Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - A Slump, a Cross and Roadside Gravel - full transcript

Sheldon and Georgie mine for platinum in roadside gravel. Also, Mary is concerned when Missy misuses religion to help with a batting slump.

ADULT SHELDON: The Clean Air Act
required all new cars

to be equipped with
catalytic converters

to combat air pollution.

The first state to do this
was California,

which led Texans
to say things like...

I hate California.

When will that place fall
in the ocean? (HACKS)

everyone was happy about it,

six years later,
one particular Texan

saw an opportunity
to get rich quick.

Oh, man,
I'm gonna get rich quick.

I just got my ticket
out of here.


I'm serious.
This thing is full of tips

on how to make a fortune.
Only cost me a dollar.

Is one of the tips
"make a crappy newsletter

and charge idiots
a dollar for it"?

No, but not a bad idea.

Listen to this: "Raise bees
and sell the honey for profit."

Do it, and I'm living
with Meemaw.

"Sell blood
or non-vital organs."

Mm, give 'em your brain.
You're not using it.


I think that's the only time
I've ever heard you laugh.

That's the only time
you've ever been funny.

Oh, platinum can be extracted
from ordinary roadside gravel.

No, it can't.

Actually, it can.

Catalytic converters
contain platinum.

Microparticles of that platinum

are expelled in the exhaust

and are mixed in
with the gravel.

See? This thing's a gold mine.

It would be more apt
to call it a platinum mine.

I laughed at your joke.

♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain

♪ I bet I could be your hero

♪ I am a mighty little man

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

UMPIRE: Strike! Keep your eye on the ball.

Strike two.

You got this!

Strike three.

You're out.
MEEMAW: Hey, ump,

you're blind.

She swung and missed.Fine.

Hey ump, you're bald.


Come on.
You can do this, girl.

♪ If I pitch, can you catch...

Strike one.

You can do it, sweetheart.

Strike two.

UMPIRE: Strike three.

I still think you can do it,

UMPIRE: Strike one.

Strike two.

Strike three.
You're out.

Strike one.

Strike two.

Strike three.
You're out.

♪ I'm a big-league pitcher

♪ Get your bat ready, baby,
hit that ball... ♪

It's okay, Cooper.
You'll get 'em next time.

Want to go to Dairy Queen?

I don't deserve Dairy Queen.

It's not your fault, honey.

That other pitcher
was almost a grown man.

I think I saw him
at the bar last night.

Y-You're just going
through a little slump.

Happens to everyone.

Well, how do I get out of it?

When I've been
at the craps table...

George, you give advice.

Oh, smart. Man's been in
a slump his whole life.

You just got to get out
of your head.

You... you're thinking too much.

I promise thinking too much
has never been my problem.

When I'm feeling down,
do you know what I do?


It works.

In fact, I'm gonna pray
for you tonight.

Everybody prays to God at night.

Do it now while
he's got some free time.

Hey what you doing?

Playing a historically accurate
game called The Oregon Trail.

That sounds boring.

Hardly. My wagon broke an axle,
and my wife died of dysentery.

Well, can you pause it
for a sec?

It does seems rude
to push on to Oregon

while my daughter Mabel is
mourning the loss of her mother.

What can I do for you?

Remember when we were talking
about platinum in gravel?

Do you know how to get it out?

It's not a complicated

I could probably do it with my
Professor Proton chemistry set.

Great. And an oven that reaches
2,000 degrees.

Does our oven do that?

No, but I read you can build one

out of a garbage can
and a leaf blower.

Cool. Let's mine some platinum.

No, thank you.
I don't care about money.


But you care
about science, right?


So I offer you the chance
to do an experiment

and you'd rather play
a video game?

What would
Professor Proton think?

He'd be disappointed.

So what do you say?

I say we collect gravel.

There you go.

In case you're worried,

Mabel and I did finally
make it to Oregon,

where I remarried and lived
to the ripe old age of 41.


DALE: All right, Cooper,
remember what I told you, okay?

Knees bent, elbows out,

eye on the ball.

(SIGHS) Hang on.

Hi, God. It's Missy Cooper.

I know my mom talked to you
about me the other day,

and she's, like,
your biggest fan.

Hey, what's going on?

What, did you fall asleep?

Sorry, I was praying.

Oh, my apologies.

MISSY: Anyway, I could really
use your help getting a hit.


Okay. Are we good?

I don't know.
We'll find out.

Okay, remember,

elbows up,

knees bent.

I'm coming at you, Cooper.

Way to go. Perfect.

Thank you, God.

How about, "Thank you, Coach"?

Thank you, Coach. Too late.

This should be a good spot.

It's a high-traffic area,
which means plenty of exhaust,

and therefore
plenty of platinum.

Great. Let's get shoveling.

You ain't gonna help?


How was practice?

Great. I hit the ball
further than anyone.

Sounds like a little prayer
helped after all.

I guess it did.
You seem surprised.

Well, God knows everything,

and I have some
pretty evil thoughts.

Oh, Missy.

Ooh, what if I start
wearing a cross

so God knows I mean business?

You could also
clean up your thinking.



What's taking so long?

It'd be faster if you helped.

Well, we know
that's not happening.

MISSY: I know you got your hands
full with all that sad stuff,

like disease and war
and hunger and poverty,

so thanks again for helping me
get some hits at practice.


Don't forget to ask him to keep
our family safe and healthy.

I just hung up.
Don't make me call him back.

Should I be wearing all that?

I recommend it.
Those rocks are filthy.

I'm good.

God made dirt. Dirt don't hurt.

Where do we start?

The first step is to put
the gravel in these colanders,

and then sift it over the tray
to collect the dust.

It's like finding money
in the street.

Why do you care so much
about money?

You saw Back to the Futurewhen
their dad's rich at the end,

his wife is all skinny
and loves him way more.

So you want a wife who loves you
because you have money?

A skinny wife.

I have something for you.

You said you wanted a cross,

and this is the one I used to
wear when I was your age.

It's so pretty.

I'm glad you like it.

It's a nice reminder
that wherever you are,

God is always with you.

And it means a lot to me
that you want to wear it.

Thanks, Mom.
I'm gonna pray right now.

God, it's Missy again.

If you can hear me better, it's
'cause I'm wearing a cross now.

Please let me get
a lot of hits on Saturday.

And if their star pitcher
breaks his arm or gets run over

by a truck, I'd totally
be okay with that.



Now we have to sift
the powder again

because the platinum particles
are extremely small,

sometimes no more than
just a few atoms.

If I was as smart as you,
I'd play the stock market.

Or go on Price Is Right.

I'd rather spend my time
focusing on important things,

like figuring out how
the universe works.

So, say you figure out how
the universe works. Then what?

I'm not sure,
but in the meantime,

I agree with Richard Feynman.

I simply enjoy the pleasure
of finding things out.

I agree with the Beastie Boys.

You got to fight
for your right to party.

Well, it's good to have
a personal philosophy.

What's next? We create a chemical flux

by combining borax,
sodium carbonate,

lead oxide and flour.

Did you know Sheldon and Georgie

are working
on something together?

That's nice. And guess what...

Missy asked me
if she could wear a cross.

She's in her bedroom
saying prayers right now.

Hmm. I don't like it.

What are you talking about?
Our kids are behaving.

Something bad's gonna happen.

Why can't you just be thankful?

Because that's when life kicks
you right in the plums, Mary.

Dad, where's your power drill?

Why? Our oven doesn't reach
2,000 degrees,

so we're going to make
a homemade kiln

out of a garbage can.

And there go the plums.

Are you two trying
to burn down the house?

No, we're trying to make
platinum out of gravel.

You're not building
a 2,000-degree oven.

Fine. Just so you know,
I was gonna cut you in.

Really? You'll fight
for your right to party

but not for your right
to make a device

that'll exceed
the melting point of lead?

GEORGE JR.: Shut up.

Ooh, "Why can't you
be thankful?"

What's your problem?

Mom and Dad won't
let me build a kiln,

so Georgie and I can't
finish our experiment.

Before you tell me,
I don't care what a kiln is.

Okay, but you'll never know
it's a high-temperature oven.

If you're unhappy,
just ask God for help.

I don't believe in God.

(SHUSHES) He can hear you.

He knows if you've
been bad or good.

Like Santa,
but he can send you to hell.

I'm not going to ask
some magical being

to solve my problems.

I asked him to help me
with my batting, and he did.

There's a pottery kiln
in art class. We can use that.


Georgie, I figured it out!

Good job, but that does not
count as one of my wishes.

Why are we being sneaky?

I thought you said
we have permission.

We do. I just don't want anybody
knowing about our platinum.

Smart. Last week, I bragged
about having a Nutter Butter,

and some rat stole it
right out of my lunch bag.

Well, it sure wasn't me.

And then I hit it over
the right fielder's head.

Sounds like you had
a good practice.

I did. Coach said
he's gonna have me hit cleanup.

BILLY: Missy,

will you rub your cross
on my bat?


Have you been doing that?

On mine. It's working great.


I'll give you a dollar.


What do you think you're doing?

Sharing God's love
and making some cash.

Absolutely not.

How about I give you the dollar?

God's love has nothing
to do with money.

What about the collection plate
at church?

That is different.

That's where I found
this dollar.

Okay. (SIGHS)


So now we just wait
for the concrete dust

to dissolve
and the lead to melt?

That's exactly right.

I know. I listen.

And you understand it? I work in sales.

I don't need to know
what I'm talking about

to make it sound good.

Don't you think it would
make you better at your job

if you understood the products
you were selling?

No. People don't
want to hear facts. I do.

Normal people don't
want to hear facts.

I'm normal.

Are you?

No, I'm special.

Is it supposed to be doing that?
Something's wrong.

Maybe we didn't sift out
all the rubber.

I think it's burning.Okay.

Okay, calm down. I'll handle it.

I'm having difficulty
remaining calm.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.


I'm feeling more calm now.

What were you thinking? Well...

I don't want to hear excuses.

You could've burned
the school down.

What do you have
to say for yourselves?

I thought you didn't want
to hear my excuses.

Oh, no, we didn't break
into the classroom.

Georgie had permission
from the teacher.

That is not important right now.

So you think a teacher
said it was okay

for a ten-year-old and an idiot

to use a 2,000-degree oven

You fibber.

You also stole my Nutter Butter.

Are you mad at me?

No. You sure?

'Cause that's how you look when
Dad had that breakfast beer.

To be honest, I'm a little
concerned that I have given you

the wrong impression
about how prayer works.

I get it. I ask God for stuff,
he gives it to me.

It's not rocket science.

Missy, God does not
grant wishes.

So he gave me good luck?

(SIGHS) It's not luck.

Luck is chance,
and God has a plan.

Right, and his plan is to give
me what I want when I pray.

That's why he's so cool.

No. I... I mean, he is cool,

but sometimes
that might not be his plan.

Then what's the point of praying

if he's just gonna do
what he wants?

You don't pray to God
to get things.

You pray to build
a relationship with him.

This is too complicated.
I'm just gonna keep

rubbing this thing on my bat
and kicking butt.

Okay, that is it. Take it off.

No, I need it.
The game's Saturday.

There are more important things
than baseball.

Now, hand it over.

God, cover your ears.

Damn it.

Missy Cooper!

You are not ready for that.
You give that back.

Oh, you... Get!

MARY: Lord,
I really need you right now.

I have tried so hard to lead
my family to your light,

but so far, Sheldon doesn't believe in you,

Missy thinks
you're a magic trick,

and you're not a teenage girl,

so Georgie doesn't think
about you at all.

I never thought I'd take a
cross away from my own child,

but what choice did I have?

She was rubbing it
on sporting equipment.

I didn't think there was
a wrong way to pray,

but leave it
to that girl to find one.

Please give me the strength to
keep guiding my family to you.

I can't do it on my own. Amen.

So, how was everybody's day?


That good, huh?

How about we just say grace?

You're gonna ask him to
bless the food? Interesting.

That is enough.

Oh, come on.

How can I appreciate
all this tension

if I don't know what it's about?

Mom took my cross away, and
I have a game on Saturday.

Why would you do that?
She's out of the slump.

She was being sacrilegious.

Mary, this is sports.

When something's working,
you do not mess with it.

I am not changing my mind.
God is not a good-luck charm.

Well, how about all the players
that kiss their crosses

before they go
in the batter's box?

They can take it up
with their mommies.

So she's finally hitting good,

and you're gonna let her go
to that game all up in her head?

Her relationship with God
is more important

than getting some hits
in a baseball game.

This is perfect.
They're mad at each other.

Takes the heat off us.

Thank you. I had no idea
what was going on.

Mary, give her the cross back.

When she is ready
for it, I will.

I have a bunch of crosses
in my jewelry box.

You can take any one you want.

I don't want another cross.
I want my lucky cross.

And that is exactly why
she is not ready.

Let's say grace.


Bless us, Lord, for the food
we are about to receive,

and bless the hands
that prepared it. Amen.

ALL: Amen.

I'm glad we're no
longer in trouble

for almost burning
the school down.


Let's talk about that.



Are you still interested
in getting rich quick?

No, I want to do it slow
like a chump.

Oh. Never mind.

Tell me, Sheldon.

It occurred to me that
a good way to generate

a positive cash flow
would be to curate

popular songs and make them
available in a digital form.

Possibly on a small device
that could also be used

as a phone or even a camera.

Right. A phone, camera,
music machine.

Get out of here.

Psst. Hey, Missy.

Come here.

What? I'm up next.

I know. Here.

Don't tell your mother.

I think I want
to do this on my own. You sure?

Just in case Mom's right,
I don't want to make God mad.

Strike three. You're out.

All right. Go get 'em.

Strike one! Dad!

GEORGE SR.: Coming!

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