Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains - full transcript

Previously onYoung Sheldon...
Dr. Sturgis will be

joining us for dinner.

I thought he was
in the nuthouse.

We do not call it that.

That's what Dad calls it.

For starters,

do not bring up his time
in the hospital.

In The Shining,
Jack Nicholson goes nuts

and chases people
around with an ax.

When them elevator doors opened,
oh, man.

Strike! Yeah!

All right, Missy!

Humiliate that boy!

Shelly, why don't
you put your book down

and watch your sister play?

It's getting exciting.

It looks like everyone's
just standing there.

There's two outs,
bases are loaded,

a-and the winning run's
on second.

But if Missy throws one
more strike, they'll win.

And then we can go home?

That isexciting.

Ball three! Full count!

Hold on. Time!

What are you doing down
there? Pray for her.

Right. On it.

What the heck's going on?

I'm gonna lose the game.
Everyone's gonna hate me.

Listen to me.

Just throw the ball
over the plate.

This guy's not gonna swing.

Yes, he will.
He's their best hitter.

Oh. Now, you
trust me, all right?

He is looking to walk.

He doesn't want to strike out
against a girl.

You sure?

Absolutely.
Just throw it across the plate.

He will not swing.

Okay.
Come on.

Here. Wipe your nose.

That a girl.

Now, you got this.

Come on, Missy!
He can't hit!

You can do it!

Play ball!

Strike three!

That's my girl!

Oh, my gosh.

You said he wasn't gonna swing!

I lied. Hey, we won!

Let's get pizza!

Come on!

Oh, hey.

Thank you.
Everybody, dig in.

Fun fact: Did you
know that pizza

is only one of many
Mediterranean flatbreads?

You talking to me?

Shelly, this is Mr. Ballard's
first time eating with us.

Let's make sure
it's not his last.

Interesting.

Does a family meal
mark an escalation

in your romantic relationship?

That's a good question.
Does it?

You know what?

Why don't you go sit at
the kid table with your sister?

Where do I begin? They're loud,
they're sweaty from sports...

Get.

Hey, Sheldon,

if your pizza's too hot,
put ice on it.

That's what I did.

So, George,

how do I convince this one
to come fishing

with me next weekend?

I told you, nobody's
gonna see this face

after a night in a tent.

Mm. Smart.

You don't want that
mug scaring the fish.

Where you going?

Lake Conroe. Ooh.

Great spot for catfish.

Well, then,
why don't you come along?

You can even bring Georgie
if you want to.

That'd be fun.

That sounds fun.
Uh, Mary, you mind if I go?

A bed all to myself?

- Bye.
- Ah.

It's a plan.

You got to remember

to hoist your food up into the
trees so this one can't get it.

Very funny.
You make fun of my face,

I'm gonna have to make fun of
your enormous, bear-like body.

So, how are you enjoying
your first meal with our family?

Well, everybody's mean.
I love it.

Hello.

George? John here.

I'm calling to confirm a time

for beer and socializing
this weekend.

Oh, damn.

I forgot we had plans. Um...

I'm actually going camping.

Okay.

I'm real sorry.

Uh, the invitation
kind of came up last minute.

You may not know this,
but, um, I love camping.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

I spent a year
backpacking through Asia.

I mean, I'd invite you along,
but it's not really my trip.

I'm going with
Connie's friend Dale.

Not a problem.

I'll just hang out with
another friend this weekend.

Great.

I just need to make one first.

Ballard's.

Hey, Dale. It's George.

About this weekend, uh,
we're gonna have to bow out.

Why? Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I just forgot
I made plans with a friend,

and I feel bad canceling
last minute.

Oh, hey, can we...
Does he like camping?

Bring-bring him along.

Uh, y... That might be
a little weird.

It-it's Connie's ex.

Boy, he didn't impress me
as a camping type.

Uh, well, actually, he was
hinting around about going.

Claims to be an outdoorsman.

Really? Oh, hey,
I'd like to see that.

Bring him along.
You sure?

Yeah. Hell,

if we get caught
in a freak snowstorm,

he'll be the first one we eat.

Be like an appetizer.

Why can't I go fishing?

It's a boys' weekend.

Then why isn't Sheldon going?

Do you hear yourself?
Do you?

Well, since they get to do
something fun, why can't we?

Ooh, Chuck E. Cheese.

That place is a nightmare.

Something that could be
fun is the Museum of...

No.Let him finish.

We already heard "museum."
It's not gonna get better.

The Museum of
the American Railroad.

Oh, yeah, that's worse.

Suddenly, camping

with Dr. Sturgis
doesn't seem so bad.

Uh, excuse me...
Camping with who?

Whoa. Dale didn't mention it?

No.

I'm guessing
John didn't mention it.

No.
Hmm.

And when were you
gonna mention it?

Oh, I was never
gonna mention it.

So John, I hear you're going
camping this weekend.

I am.

With the guy I'm dating.

I know.

It was so nice of him
to let me tag along.

And don't you think that's
gonna be a little awkward?

No more awkward than
any other social situation

I find myself in.

I'm making

my, uh, homemade GORP:

Good old raisins and peanuts.

I'll have to give you
the recipe.

I think I can figure it out.

Listen, I want
to warn you about Dale.

He's kind of a... guy's guy.

Sometimes his sense of humor
can be a little mean-spirited.

Just don't let it
hurt your feelings.

Well, you don't
have to worry about me.

We physicists are no strangers
to smack talk.

I once told Dr. Linkletter he
wouldn't know a randomized trial

if it crawled up his sphincter.

Do not be a jerk to John.

Oh, why would I be a jerk?

You're gonna be camping.

You're gonna be in the woods.
You're gonna be drinking.

You're a jerk
without any of that.

Don't worry.

I know how to get along
with people.

Knowing how and doing it
are two different things.

Okay, okay. I-I'll be nice.

Thank you.

To your goofy little friend.

That's Dale.
We're gonna head out.

Here's some coffee for the road.

Thanks. Make sure your dad

doesn't drink too many beers.

You're funny.

And make sure your son
doesn't drink any beers.

Got it. I'll finish 'em all.
Let's go.

Be safe. Have fun.

Oh, I'm free.

This sure is a sweet setup.

Well, now, thank you very much.

This thing is nicer
than our house.

It's not nicer than our house.

Well, don't be too sure now.

I got microwave
and air-conditioning.

I got a stack of old Playboys
back there in the bathroom.

Okay, maybe.

Hey, there's John up here

on the right.

Are you sure that's not
a garden gnome?

Missy, how would you feel
if there were somewhere

just like Chuck E. Cheese, but
instead of pizza and ball pits,

there was locomotives
and placards

explaining their history?

That's just the museum.

I didn't think
she'd see through that.

So, Johnny, that's quite
the outfit you got on there.

Thanks.

I just got one question.
Where do the merit badges go?

Because I look like a Boy Scout?

Yeah, that's kind of
the joke there.

Well, I accept your jocular
insult as a token of bonding.

Well, if you like that one,
how about this?

Uh, I haven't seen legs
that white since...

Hey. Why don't we talk
about something else?

George, it's all right.
You don't need to protect me.

I can take it,
and I can dish it right back.

Oh, yeah?

Well, bring it on, babe.

Hmm.

It would help if I knew
a little more about you.

Were you, by chance,
a bed wetter?

I know it's been a while, but
I really have to talk to you.

I understand you might not want
to hear about my dating life,

but if you hadn't died,
I wouldn't be in this situation.

So this is on you.

How about a movie?
How about the planetarium?

That's like a movie,

where you can see real stars
instead of,

I don't know, Gene Kelly?

We're never gonna agree.

Let's just do
rock, paper, scissors.

No. Anecdotal evidence suggests
that players familiar

with each other will tie
75% of the time

due to the limited number
of outcomes.

Well, what if we added
a few more choices?

Like, rock, paper,
scissors, candy, pony.

Now you're just being silly.

But your idea
of a winner-takes-all

competition is a good one.

We just need to come up
with something

that is fair to both of us.

Ooh.

What if we list all the spices

in Mom's spice rack
alphabetically?

I'll go first. Adobo.

Black pepper. Cinnamon.

Coriander. Cumin.

We're not playing
the spice game.

Dill.

So now I have these
two guys in my life.

And I know that might sound
like bragging, but at my age,

if you are single and not
hooked to an oxygen tank,

You got to swat 'em away.

I'm still pissed at you
for dying.

I'm not gonna just sit at home
and miss you.

I mean, you wouldn't want that.

You'd want me to go out
and have fun, right?

Take your time, think about it.

Damn, John.

Three already?
What are you using for bait?

I made it myself. It's, uh,

cheese, garlic and a
little bit of pig brains.

Pig brains? Where the hell
you get pig brains?

From the butcher.

But you get some odd looks
when you ask for it.

You get odd looks?
Oh, I find that hard to believe.

Like this.

I think he's
pulling your leg, John.

Oh, I see.

Meaning I get odd looks

all the time.

That's funny.

Well, if anyone wants

to try my bait,
uh, you're welcome to.

Sure. Yeah,
I'll give her a go.

Dale?

No, I think I know
how to fish, John.

Really? 'Cause it doesn't
look like it.

Well, maybe that's because
all your talking

is scaring the fish away.

Evidence suggests
your theory is incorrect.

Well, evidence suggests
I need another beer.

Not that bad.

Oh, that's nice.

You decided to stay home
and play a game?

Nope. We're inventing
a new game,

and the winner gets
to pick what we do today.

We had to find a way
to make sure

that it's completely fair
to both of us.

So we made a list
of 20 challenges

that combine stuff
we're both good at.

Whoever wins each challenge
gets to take a block

and put it on top
of their tower.

Whoever's tower
reaches the height

of this rocket first wins.

Okay, I will leave you to it.

"And finally, both parties agree
the loser will do the activity

"selected by the winner
graciously, without complaint.

"For the purpose
of this agreement,

"a complaint is defined
as any disparaging comment,

"eye rolls or name calling,
including but not limited to:

'Dingus, ' 'fartbreath'
and 'buttwipe.'"

Can we just sign it and play?

I've signed my name.
Feel free to draw an "X."

I know how to write
my name, Sheldon.

Damn it, I wrote "Sheldon."

So, Dale is fun.

Kind of a good old boy.

Reminds me a bit of you.

He gets on my nerves.

So he kind of reminds me of you.

And John's not anything
like you.

He's not anything like anyone.

Maybe that's why I keep
thinking about him.

Fun fact:

In Finland, they make a
fire that's two long logs

sitting on top of each
other with a wedge

of wood in between
to let the air flow through.

Aw. That's your idea
of fun, is it?

Mind if I grab a beer?

I'm not your father.
Hold on.

This young man's underage.

So? So the laws

of Texas are pretty clear
on the subject.

Oh, what a surprise.
There's one more thing

you know more about
than everybody else.

I don't know
why you're surprised.

I don't know why you're here.

I'm just gonna stick
with Dr Pepper.

Why don't you get
some more firewood, Georgie?

Thank you.

I'm here because my friend
George invited me.

Uh-huh.

Well, your friend George
invited you

because he felt sorry for you.

You know, Connie warned me
you might behave like this,

and she-she was right.

I don't know why the hell
she ever went out with you.

Well, she did,
and we got along famously.

Until you broke up with her
after you got out of...

Out of what?

Say it!

Never mind.

Damn. Piddled on my shoe.

What'd I miss?

So enough about me.
How about you?

You got your wings yet,
or is that just in the movies?

It's a Wonderful Life.

That's one of my favorites.

Ah, sorry. I didn't see you.

I'll keep it down.

No, it's all right. I, uh...

talk to my wife all the time.

I'm Kenneth.

This is Vanessa.

Connie. This is Charlie.

I'd introduce them,
but they're neighbors.

They probably know each other.

Well, if he complains
about someone snoring,

I'm sure it's her.

I didn't bury him with
his hearing aid, so he's fine.

Well, you know what? I'll, um...

I'll come back in a few minutes,
and let you finish your chat.

Really nice meeting you, Connie.

You, too.

You see?

Got to swat 'em away.

Okay. Each player alternates

naming a state
while Hula-Hooping.

The first player
who can't name a state

or drops the Hula-Hoop loses.

Ready,

set,

go.

Texas.

Darn it.

So I won?

Yes.

Good. 'Cause I was just
gonna say "Texas" again.

One, two, three, four.

I declare a thumb war.

Hey, that was some good catfish.

Yeah. Real good.

Gentlemen.

I'm no longer
enjoying this outing,

so I'm going home.

See ya.
H-Hang on, Dale.

John, y... wait,
you can't just leave.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Not a problem.

I have my compass, a flashlight
and half a bag of GORP.

No, wait, wait.

Please.
Let him go, George.

You want to tell Connie you lost
her old boyfriend in the woods?

Well, he's a grown man
for crying out loud.

Let him do what he wants.

Well, that's an argument
for me having a beer.

Shut up. Come on, Dale.

Do the right thing.
Tell him to stay.

Fine.

John?

Oh, damn.

John!

Boy, for a little guy,
he's fast, ain't he?

I win.

You can't set it that way.

Does it say that in the rules?

Well, no.

And is this your signature?

Yes, but...

Mom, we're going
to Chuck E. Cheese!

We're not going anywhere.
It's almost your bedtime.

Sorry, hon.

Well, all that matters
is that I'm the winner.

Yes, you are.

Actually, I was the winner.

We spent the whole day
doing everything I love:

Drafting contracts,
arguing about rules,

and most importantly,
never leaving the house.

Come on.
I don't want to.

Just one more time.

Fine.

Rock, paper,
scissors, candy, pony!

Rock trips pony. I win.

How do you keep winning?

You keep picking pony.

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