Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Reformation - full transcript

OUT OF TUNE:
# He remains an Englishman,

♪ He remains an

♪ E-e-e-e-englishman. ♪

Wow!

That was er... You hate it.

I never said "hate."
But it needs something.

Yeah, it does. It needs, er...

Are there any non-singing roles?

Aw, thank you, Deborah.
Thank you very much.

Oh, no come on, don't be like that.

I'm just being honest.



I know. And I said thank you,
so, you know, thank you.

Look, I've got to go work.

So I'll see you later on then,
Simon.

Cos of Simon Cowell.

Cos you were just like...
I know, I get it.

I love you. Thank you.

Far, far ago, the ancients
wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces
would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world to save us
from the shadows and stuff.

"Thank you for purchasing..."

a yada, yada, yada, yada...

"Ensure it is in the
upright position



"and stood on a
solid, level surface."

Hmm, you! Fix this!

Well, er, it's the ground
underneath that's the problem.

I'd have to take all that up,
level it off,

screed it, re-set the stonewor...

Or you could do that, it's cheaper.

"In a weird voice chant 'font of...'"

Font of Oris!

Grant me the power of
the all-seeing eye!

Excellent! One ruined monastery.

Left a bit.

I'll do it! No, I'll do it!
Get your claws off.

Oooh, messy.

BOTH: Thank you!

I baited the whole place with
ogre musk. They tore it apart!

Yeah, but who got the ogre musk, eh?

I mean have you tried
swabbing an ogre's...

HE GROANS
What about the...occupants?

No sign of them, your darkness.

I guess they were ogre food.

Unless they heard the ogres
coming and fledded, er, fled?

Fledded? Flud? Is it flud?

Shut up! I shall dispatch
some bounty hunters

to tidy up any loose ends.

We don't need that scum,
your darkness!

We can track down any survivors!

We're better than any
bounty hunters.

We're not a complete bunch of...

Berks.

Ooh, yeah.

HE BREAKS WIND

I've got a degree.

Oh, termites!

'Ere, what you got?

This is a scarf.

Debbie gave it me,
keeps your neck warm.

Why didn't I get a scarf?

Cos you don't have a neck.

Oh, yeah, bring that up!

Right, so, come on then, what's
the big secret? Where we going?

It's a surprise!

I know that, but tell me anyway.

Oh, all right.

Well, once every thousand years...

Yeah? ..all the trees in
the Forest of Garvin...

Yeah? ..in perfect unison...

Yes?

..yawn.

When this place gets an Imax,
it's going to blow...your...minds!

Right.

What's that?

Oh, well,
that's what we call smoke.

A sort of a grey, cloudy, billowy...

I know that but
where's it coming from?

Oh, that's what we call fire.
A hot orangey...

Debbie! Where are you going?
What about the yawning?

Great - head towards the fire.

Can't see that ending badly -
for a stick.

HE GROANS

Is it OK?

Erm, well, put it this way,
if anyone asks...

he was on camera!

I was not on camera,
you was on camera!

No, you was on camera!

No, I'm not listening.

Ah, this is Auntie Betty's
birthday all over again!

Hardly, I mean eight
people died, Neil.

What happened here?

Looks like ogres.

Smells like ogres

Ogres.

Sh!

Is it me, or does it feel like...

BOTH: We're being watched.

THEY SCREAM

I did not mean to startle you.

I am aware my face looks like matted
drain hair on a bed of blue cheese.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, but you must,
tired-looking woman.

Excuse me?

For it is the truth.
You see, I cannot lie.

Our holy order
believes that truth

is the great light in the universe,

apart from all the suns, obviously.

That's rubbish, everyone can lie -

"I'm washing my hair."

Erm, "It was good for me, too."

I'd know not how.

You see we follow
the example of John of Atherley...

He brought forth
truth into a world of lies.

As do we to this day.

Though, as you can see,
not all are ready for it.

What do you mean?

We had a visitor.

He came in the dark hours,

looking for the soothing
oils of the Lappy-Lappy plant.

Hello and it is evening.

Shut up,
I need some more of that stuff.

Another rash on your
gentleman's excuse-me?

Give me the damned vial!

I fear you may have developed
a tolerance for Lappy-Lappy.

Perhaps I could recommend
Punto juice,

which would also help clear up
your rotting-carcass breath.

What?

It is a common condition,
often passed down the maternal line.

Tell me, did your mother
smell of dead sea birds?

What?! Did she stink?

Have weight issues? Body hair?

Was she fat and ugly,
your mother...who I presume is dead?

'And then, for some reason,
he became angered.'

Had his minions bait the walls
with ogre musk -

we didn't stand a chance.

They destroyed everything.

Chapel, chambers, most of that shoe.

Ogre hit squad. Classic Negatus.

Oh, not him again!

I know not how he sleeps at night.

SNORING

I mean clearly he's
wrong in the head.

But this whole honesty
thing won't have helped.

You just come across as rude.

How so, woman-clearly-nearing-40?

What do you mean 40?! I'm 33!

Do you smoke?

I don't have to listen to this!

Oh, great! We can still make
the yawning if we're quick.

I would say "Nice to meet you,"
but, since we're all being honest...

COUGHING

This is all that
remains of our holy order.

Hardly the picture of health,
but we are surviving.

Apart from brothers
Kevin, Carl, Robert and Colin.

And Jamaal.

This isn't surviving. You're dying.

Mm. All very sad.
Anyway, about this yawning...

No, no, we can't just leave them.
They need help.

Word will have reached the Elders.

They'll be planning
a rescue as we speak.

Well, am I a vegetable then?!

OTHERS: No.

Then I must be a mineral!

No.

Oh, for the love of the Gods,
it's been three hours!

OK, OK, let's just play
a different game.

I know a way to spice up Twister.

No!

No, no, we can't take the chance.
They need help now.

I mean this feels chosen-y to me.

Doesn't it feel quite
chosen-y to you?

But what about the...?

TREES YAWN

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's fine. I'll catch it next time.

Oh, no. That's right.

I'll be dead!

Ow! Oh, there she goes...

Our order has lived
here for centuri.

We have everything we need -

shelter...

a well, a toilet.

I thought that was the well.

And what about food?
You're starving.

The truth sustains us.

And crisps.

Oh, yes.

But we ate them all.

It was Brother Anthony's
half-birthday.

I'm old and forgetful. But at least
I'm not old and forgetful.

And what about Negatus?

What if he comes back or
sends more giants?

Ogres.

Cor! There's no such thing as
giants.

Silly woman. Silly woman.

All right, well you know what I mean.
The big things that eat monks.

What if they come back?
You can't stay here.

But where will we go?

ANTHONY: Wait! I've just remembered
something! No, it's gone again.

No - it's back!

It was once foretold that,
in a time of great crisis,

a chosen one would come
and lead us to a new life

where the moon
lives under the water.

You mean...Atherley?

MONKS: Atherley.

Yes, the birthplace of our founder.

Hang on, we can't just saunter
down to Atherley with this lot...

They're wanted men.
What if we're stopped, questioned?

They can't lie!

That's rubbish, everyone can lie.

That's a chicken.

THEY EXCLAIM

No, it's not.

OK, yeah. I see what you mean,
they need work.

And you need some sort
of disguise.

Do you have a less monkish look?

Yeah - not that.

You are NOT monks.
You are NOT monks.

You are NOT monks.

So...are you monks?

MONKS: Yes!

Do you know what? Just don't talk.

Going to be easier.

Here we go again.

No, it's a flutterbug.

No, it's a swivel chair.

MONKS: No, it's a flutterbug.

I've got a name, you know!

It's Kieran.

Well, they look better on Pete
but it's an improvement.

The ties are a bit big,
too much gel.

It's all a bit estate agent.

THEY MUTTER

Who is this Esther Taygent?

Estate agents - bunch of...

Sort of the opposite of you.

This way!

VOICES TALK IN BACKGROUND

Quick - this way!
Stay close and keep your eyes open.

SHE GASPS

Prayer beads.

The monks, they're alive. This way.

What monks are these then?
Seriously? Hmm.

Well, don't just stand there.

Or do you want some bounty hunter
to become Minion of the Month?!

Come on.

Tree!

Correct. Yes!

So the opposite of what we want.

Oh, no.

Stitch.

We are trying, Debbie.

It's just you're much better
at being conniving and deceitful.

You see,
that right there is the problem.

It's the way in which you're honest.

You offend people and you don't even
know you're doing it. Come on.

HE HUMS

Acorn-face. What is this chanting?

It's called singing. Like it?

It could do with a little, erm,
how do you say?

Shut up, yeah?

Thank you.

GUN COCKS

So uh...Slight problem.

BOTH: Well, well, well, well.

Bounty hunters.

BOTH: What do we have...?

I thought we said we'd do the
"Wells" together

then I'd do the
"What do we have...?"

Yeah, I know we did, babe,

but I just thought it would add
more malevolence, you know?

Just be a bit more threatening.
I know what malevolence means!

Can we talk about this later please?
I think we should! And the rest.

Right. Have any of you seen the
following people-slash-creatures?

The Lizard Man of Corn Coppice? Hmm?

That's a no.

The Little Chefs?

Friends of yours, little man?

Er, yeah, cos we're all the same...

Careful!

What about...the Monks of Truth?

We are...

Estate agents! Aren't you?

Um...

Fair enough!
All right, be on your way.

ANTHONY: Though we used to be monks.
That's them!

Dead or alive, I believe it said.

Well, you know my preference.

Eat stick!

Quick! Push 'em in!

Oh, my God! Did you see that? We...

Please tell me
they're not in my house.

Are they in my house?!
Tell me they're not in my house!

Debbie, do you really think

I would let a pair of vicious
bounty hunters into your home?

No. No, of course not. I'm sorry.

That's all right.
Who's your Elf, eh?

You are! Who's your Elf?
You!

Yeah, I am! Go on.

HE LAUGHS

So where did they go?

No idea. You?

Axed if I know.

MAN ON TANNOY:
Customers are reminded to report

any suspicious behaviour
to station staff.

Thank you.

There you are - Atherley.

MONKS: Atherley.

Where the moon lives
under the water!

Last one to the temple
is physically the slowest!

Have they gone?

I think so, yeah.

So, sorry, you were saying...

Oh, right, yeah - basically,
it's a chain of roadside diners.

OK. Go on...

I'm thinking breakfasts.

Yeah? All day! What?

Kevin, you're drunk.

I love you, mate.
You're drunk.

I love you.
You're drunk.

And I'm drunk.

But this cannot be.

The Moon under the Water
is supposed to be a great temple -

ancestral home of the
great non-fibber,

not some common hostelry.

Well, someone's been
telling porky pies.

And question 30 - the answer is...

Vitamin D, that's Vitamin D,

though I will accept cantilever.

And I'll be back later
with the rest.

Ales all round - the elf's paying.

What? Got no pockets.

Even the prices are dishonest.

This cannot be the home
of John of Atherley?

MUFFLED SPEECH

Yes. Know you of him?

Well, such truth and wisdom must
have left an indelible...

MONKS: What?

HE GASPS

No, no - John of Atherley.

But he brought forth
truth into a world of lies.

Thank you. Take care.

Karen! Table.

So, it was all just...

MONKS: Lies.

I never thought I'd say this,
but the truth hurts.

Yes! Exactly. Sometimes it does.

But now you see that,
you've got a choice.

If the truth is going to
hurt someone, why not...?

Quick! Hide!

Ah, get out the way, ah, move...

Mind it, lanky.

You don't look...local.

Quite the opposite.
In fact, you look...distant.

Hang on...

Who are you?

Ay! She asked you a question.

Yeah.

We are...

Yes...

We are...

BOTH: Yes?

Estate Agents!

MONKS: Yes, Estate Agents!

We have an important meeting
in the neighbouring village actually

and we are here to discuss strategy.

So, Ian - what was that idea you
had about Estate Agency?

Well, Craig, my thoughts
about the Estate Agent business...

Let's try the next village -
they can't have got far.

Excuse me.

Four large drinks please, barman!

No, I find the atmosphere
quite intoxicating.

A welcome change from
papa's starchy functions.

Then let us drink to change,
Miss Fanshawe...

Rachel - for I fancy
a change in circumstance may be

just around the...

Move it, you!

SHE CHOKES

Rachel? Rachel?

Guys! Talk about a fib-fest!
You were amazing!

It's all down to you, Debbie,
you big fibber.

Your lies have set us free.

And I think we'd just all
really like to say...

Nope, no idea where
I was going with that.

MONKS: We love you, Debbie!
That was it!

And I properly love you.

In fact,
why not come back to mine tonight?

I'd definitely call you tomorrow.

Yeah, I think you've
got the hang of it.

Come on. No, I...I meant it.

Oh...and, Debbie? Yeah?

You don't look a day over 21.

Liar.

Yes.

Rachel, Rachel.

Live, damn you!

Live!

But they can't even lie -
how can they just disappear?

Unless someone helped them.

That woman!
Honestly, what is going on here?

How can such a meaningless
nobody keep getting

the better of an
evil genius like me?

Unless she is...

HE SPLUTTERS

Wish I hadn't done that.

Unless she is what they say she is.

The Chosen One?

Don't say it!
If you say it, then it's true!

And if it's true, then...

I shall have to tell the boss.

And now this is cold.

Honestly, sometimes I think I've
got the worst job in the world.

I beg to differ.

You think you've got it bad?!

Shut up and do the other one.

OK!

♪ He remains an

♪ E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-englishman. ♪

That is so much better!

Can you see that down
at the civic hall?

I could see that at the
Albert Hall, Pete!

♪ He might have been a Russian. ♪

Yeah - all that's great.
And do you know what?

It's so nice to see you
doing something you love.

Aw! Thanks chuchiface!

Oh careful,
don't get tea on your suit.

Don't worry, I've got lots of suits.

So, what do we do with our lives,
now the truth no longer binds us?

It's a Bijou property.

With great potential for expansion.

Benefitting from a roof.

And walls!

So, do we have a deal?

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