Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Ultimate Prize - full transcript
Hi. Here. mate. Erm...here...
MEN: Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you!
- Thank you!
- So, literally,
a thousand thank yous?
Of course. You have finally taught
us how to fend for ourselves,
so we will come straight to you with
any other problems we might have.
Great! Well, at least that's the end
of the flesh dragon.
Yeah, cos they never come back to
life. What? Nothing! I'm sick!
I was...I was going to go swimming,
but then the man was sick all over
my hand.
Come on, Gwennit!
I love you, Debbie. Thank you.
Why do you have to overdo it every
time we have visitors?
HE CHUNDERS
Oh, great!
Far, far ago, the ancients wrote
upon the scrolls
that dark forces
would sweep our realm
until only Yonderland remained.
But they telled also of a saviour,
come from a distant world to save us
from the shadows...I reckon.
CHILDREN CHATTER
No! Shoes on feet, please.
Hi, Debs, it's me.
Erm...I'm just about to take
the twins to...
Yeah, but I can't find any of
their erm...
Hm. OK.
Oh, OK, doesn't matter.
Anyway...their race starts at
three o'clock
and then the mums' race starts at
ten to, so I assume you're going to
be going straight there from...
cro...croc-het...crochet!
I've never seen that
written down before.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
Don't be late.
Hm. Yeah, you too.
OK, look, we get this sword back
to thingy the whatsit and then I have
to go.
What's the rush? It's only a sports
day. Right, you know those kids I
had?
Ohh! Them again!
Well, they're kind of important.
If they're in a race,
I'm going to be there.
Plus they've got a mums' race.
We've got a mums' race.
A whole tribe of mums, no men.
We don't know how they do it.
I've heard rumours.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, what?! I'm ruining this jacket!
It's new! It's North Face!
The God of war? What? What?
BUGLE SOUNDS
Oh!
BUGLE
Whoa, there.
'Attention. This knight is
reversing.'
'Attention. This knight is
reversing.'
Fair maiden.
Tell me, did it hurt?
Oh, no, it's just a snag.
When you fell from the heavens.
Ha! Classic! Oh, God.
Did they catch the thief who stole
the stars and put them in your eyes?
Because I'd like to shake his hand.
Then again, he's a thief and
I'm against that, so...
How do I feel about this guy?
I'm sure you think you're very
charming...
My face leaves in five minutes...
Don't. Come on, let's go.
I like your spirit...and bottom.
Have you ever heard of "sexism"?
Mm! I'm looking right at it.
That's a "no" then.
I see you are a warrior. This sword
was forged in the fires of Banthia.
And you wear the mark of the war
god. No, it's from Millets.
- And I'm returning the sword,
so give it back.
- A quest you say?
Then you shall need a brave
companion. Er...
Then I, Philip of Woolworth,
shall return this sword
to its rightful owner,
or I shall die trying...
Whoa! It's OK, I don't think it
went all the way through.
BRANCH CRACKS
My mistake.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Yes! Get...in!
Get right in!
♪ So happy
Do the zing-a-ling! ♪
With Philip of Woolworth...
Oh, God! Haven't done that
for a while.
I'll be sick a bit.
With Philip of Woolworth dead
the tournament's wide open
for the first time in centuri!
We can finally avenge Todd.
And Martin, Carl.
Haven't forgotten you, Avril.
They let me down,
so I had to kill them all.
Does this mean you'll be
competing yourself,
oh, lithe and limber one?
Of course. I absolutely...would
if it wasn't for my wretched knee.
But, luckily, I have people to
do my bidding for me.
Helmet guy. All right?
HE WHISTLES
And I do feel bad about it, really,
but...technically, it
wasn't even my sword.
Oh, it's too complicated,
let's kill her! ALL: Yes!
It was an accident, honestly!
He was sort of flirting with me
and... ALL: Oh!
Honestly, who does he think he is?
Yeah, it worked on me....twice!
Where have you been all my life?
I'm five, mate.
Sirs and siresses,
what about grand tournament?
It's a sort of Olympics for knights.
Philip of Woolworth has been realm
champion for 7,000 centuri.
That's about 5½ years.
He was our Monpompee!
No idea. Pride of our people,
strongest of our race!
Ohh! Who will defend the title now?
Erm...
No! But you are the Chosen One!
Ohh! That changes things on
so many levels.
But hang on, I'm not a knight!
I can't literally fight
your battles for you!
ALL SIGH
Bye! Then I guess Negatus will win.
Negatus?
He always enters someone in the
tournament. He's obsessed with it.
After all, everyone loves a winner.
How are we for time? If the kid's
race is at three my time?
Three o'clock your time? Tomorrow
afternoon here. Loads of time!
OK, fine. OK, fine...I can help.
ALL: Yes! A thousand thanks yous!
Don't. But, listen, who's like the
second strongest?
FANFARE
No!
So it's like a sleepover, but
it's...
What?
Of course, to claim the
ultimate prize will require
the ultimate warrior.
And I, don't tell the boss,
have managed to lay my
hands on...quite a good one.
Finally returned from the 99 Years
War... Oh, so close!
I give you the most feared fighter
this realm has e'er known...
Emmanuel!
ALL GASP
THEY LAUGH
Ssh!
Oh, no, the boss!
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
Get him out of here!
Get him out of here!
Your Eminence, what a pleasant
surprise.
I wasn't expecting... Who relieved
Emmanuel of his command?
I did, Your Eminence. What?!
I need him to compete...
Er.. complete-ly destroy that woman
I was telling you about.
Calls herself the Chosen One,
has her eye on the
realm so I've heard.
This realm shall be mine. Well,
yeah, that's what I thought, so...
Very well, have Emmanuel
neutralise this... pretender!
As you command, Your Eminence.
And let nothing distract him from
this task. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Come on. That's it! Keep up the
energy! That's it!
WHISTLE
CHEERING
Star jump. Star jump. Star jump!
CHEERING
That's it. More from the shoulder.
More aggression. That's it.
And knee to the elbow.
Knee to the elbow.
Knee to the elbow.
Knee to the elbow.
CHEERING
There's your motivation.
Yeah, that's it. Oh!
And snaky head. And snaky head.
And snaky head.
That's it! That's it! Yes! Go on!
CHEERING
Yes!
Yes!
HE GRUNTS
Only 1.3 off Sir Phillip's record.
We might just have a chance.
We? We?! Why, you impertinent...
No, no, I meant "you". I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong with beefcake? It's my
fault, I spoke above my class.
What is this, Downton?
He's a noble, I'm a humble page,
he's better. It's written.
And you're all right with that?
You get used to it.
You, come talc my downstairs.
Well...most of it.
Right, great news!
By my calculations, we can watch
most of the tournament and still
have you home in time for this race.
No, I'm not cutting it fine.
What if it starts early, Ben
wins silver and I miss it?
Off the top of my head?
Spread a doping rumour about
the kid who came first,
demand a restart. Elf.
Oh, come on! We need to
get behind meathead.
You saw him out there, he could take
on 20 demons and not break a sweat.
ELF SIGHS
He doesn't need me any more.
ELF GASPS
Oh, no! A flesh dragon! Should have
kept the sword! Extra! Extra!
No, hang on. Get your news!
It's a news dragon.
You all right? You want some news?
We'll have some news. Left wing or
right wing? Erm...right wing.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Negatus, the much-loved
philanthropist and fundraiser...
Left wing. All right then, left wing.
Power-hungry villain Negatus
today announced suspected war
criminal Emmanuel will be his
entrant to the grand tournament,
despite...
HE SIGHS
I'll come back. Oh, no! This is bad.
This is...really bad!
Why? Is Emmanuel any good?
Is he any good?! You've
never heard of Emmanuel?
You've never heard of socks!
Ha! Owned!
Oh, come off it, ladies, he can't be
all that bad.
HE GASPS
HE WHIMPERS
HE SCREAMS
So the big purple fella has cut the
little fella's arm off.
Oh! And his other arm.
And a leg. And... Oh, look, a
flutterbug!
Waste of time, can't get 'em to
focus. Hm.
SCREAMING
BOTH GASP
Oh!
Yeah, he's pretty good!
He's a psychopath.
We don't stand a chance.
He is good, sir. But with my
training and your natural bravery...
HE WHIMPERS
He'll be back.
He just needs some time...
EXPLOSION
BEEFCAKE WHIMPERS
Well, you are really screwed now.
My career's over!
I'm going to have to sell my ass...
and I love that donkey.
No, look, it won't come to that.
We'll just find another champion.
Tournament's tomorrow!
OK, well, what about you?
HE SNIGGERS
THEY LAUGH
ALL LAUGH
Only nobles can compete.
It's written. Written, I know.
A page's place is to serve,
to train...and, occasionally,
if they get lonely, to...
Erm...no page has ever appeared
in a tournament, ever.
Maybe it's time for a change.
Like when women got the vote.
HE LAUGHS
Are you telling me that women...?
Yeah, one thing at a time, eh?
Look, we're just going to
have to face it, Negatus
will take ultimate prize
and there's nothing we can do
about it. Oh, yes, we can.
The show's not over till the
fat lady sings. Who? What
fat lady? Are you on drugs?
How long have you been training
champions? Since the moon
was in the seventh house.
A long time. Well, exactly.
So no-one knows more about
this tournament than you.
But it's written!
The Da Vinci Code was written,
doesn't mean it's any good.
You could be an inspiration! To who?
SHE SIGHS
LAUGHTER
Imagine it now,
a page on that podium.
There's so much more to you than
talcing someone's...downstairs.
And I can...
Are you certain I'd have
time? What for the
tournament? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, well, that's it then. I'll come
and help. I will be your page.
My page? Yeah. Show those
smug idiots in there that
times are changing.
But I'm going to draw the line at the
talc thing, OK? What do you say?
You...
Oh, I don't know!
SHE SIGHS
What about wood?
What? Can wood vote where you're
from? No!
Typical. Woodism!
SHE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
Got me nuts, got me grapple juice.
Mm! Afternoon of games.
'Hello there.'
Well, the big news overnight is
that Negatus has entered Emmanuel
into this grand tournament,
prompting all other
competitors to pull out.
I'm joined here by former champion,
Sir Ian of Mace.
Ian, how will this development
affect the tournament?
Well the difference with these games
is there won't be any games,
there's going to be an opening
ceremony, a closing ceremony,
and then home in time for
highlights.
Assuming there are any.
Right. Which there won't be.
Well, with nothing more to discuss,
let's go over to the stadium,
where the Chief of the Council
of Elders will now formally
open proceedings.
Council of Idiots more like!
HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
It's times like these,
you wish you had buddies.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
- Go!
- CHEERING
And with the tournament now
officially open, all that remains
is the closing ceremony.
- Ian, thoughts?
- No.
BOOING
- Not a popular winner, Ian.
- No, well, he did try and wipe
out the Elephantians,
and those guys never forget.
There's the teapot.
I taught him that.
But he's our winner and we've all
just got to accept it.
Er...no. I'm going to have to stop
you there, Ian,
because it looks like... Yes!
We have another competitor!
CHEERING
Who is this?
A new page.
- Cos I'm a page and also you turn a
page.
- I know, I get it. Go on!
A page?! But it is written...
Shouldn't be allowed! Is it a child?
- I dunno, mate, but he's really,
really skinny.
- Judge me not!
I mean, do not judge me!
I know what is written,
I've read it. We all have.
I haven't. It's OK, I've read it
twice. Oh, aye.
But just because something is
written, does that mean it's right?
No! Cos Kevin's not even allowed
in the woods...and Mahoney's
my favourite.
When you going to marry me, Linda?
Look, all I'm saying is we can't
just let Negatus take ultimate
prize without a fight.
What? And if no-one else will
face Emmanuel,
then should a few ancient words on
some dusty old parchment
stop a humble page from trying?
Well, he makes a fair point.
Could it be re-written?
What if robes were optional?
No. Oh.
What say ye?
I mean, what do ye say. You.
Erm...it is...
It is decided.
The page...
..may compete! Well, he's an
unlikely champion, Ian,
but, unless I'm very much mistaken,
we have ourselves a tournament!
Yeah, but, Gary, he's no knight.
Question is, has he the globes to
master the four heraldic
disciplines.
I'm talking about archery, swordplay
- brute strength and
my favourite...kissing.
- Yeah.
Ah, this newcomer must really be
feeling the pressure
as he steps up to the mark.
Wait a minute...this kid could
actually be good.
- Need a kebab!
- ALL GASP
HE LAUGHS
Tough luck, buddy!
So, I suppose what I'm asking,
Miss Fanshawe...
Rachel...
SHE GASPS
is...
ARROW THUDS
HE WHIMPERS
HE SCREAMS
CHEERING
So...I've signed you up for the
mums' race. Lovely.
And...the twins are
up shortly after that.
But they are running slightly
ahead of schedule, so...
Well, just don't cut it too fine.
Oh, and you have got
to see Oli's mum's hair.
OK, bye.
Well, after his crushing defeat
in the weightlifting,
it's great to see such valiant
swordplay from our plucky page there.
Yeah, but with one event to
go, it's just too little
too late for me, mate.
Ah, the kissing. My favourite round.
Although the kissing attracts the
big points, it's those extra marks
for style, persistence,
flirtation that can really make
the difference out there.
So it's not just kissing a lady.
Not this lady, Gary. She's a pro.
25 five years on the...in the game
and I tell you what,
for five of those years, well, she
certainly taught me a thing or two.
MAN HOLLERS
There he is...Emmanuel, big fella.
Let's hope he's brought his A game.
We'll, they're ready to go.
She just needs to...give him the eye.
WOLF WHISTLE
And the clock's ticking! She's
headed straight to the kissing gate.
The question is, will he follow?
He's making a move! No!
Oh! That's gotta hurt!
SHE GIGGLES
If I were Emmanuel, I'd head
straight for the wall.
And he has! That is straight out of
the training manual.
SHE GASPS
But he's spooked her!
He has spooked her! Fact is, mate,
the clock is ticking.
You know, he's gotta go for it!
Move in. Move in. Move in.
CROWD GASPS
Yes! Nice move.
And what's this?!
I don't believe it! That's a little
bit old school for me.
What are you talking about
old school, that's classic!
OK, he's moving in. It looks big.
It's a huge score!
What's our underdog got in reply.
Beat that, skinny boy!
Speaking of which,
where is our underdog?
CROWD SLOW-HAND CLAPS
Hey, what are you doing? You've got
to get out there.
I can't do it. Yes, you can.
You're doing really well.
No, I can't do...that.
I've... I've never...
- Kissed?!
- SHE SIGHS
Look, it's not difficult,
I promise you.
It just sort of happens.
Like when you love someone,
or you meet a friend,
or just for luck. For luck?
Yeah, sometimes...
God this place is weird!
For luck.
Where is he?!
CHEERING
Well, he's out Gary, but
he's got no time to use
the course. He's blown it.
He's got nothing!
CHEERING
What on realm is he doing?! I've no
idea, mate, but this is madness!
Er...!
Where did he learn to
kiss like that?!
CHEERING
Debbie!
SHE GASPS
CHEERING
No! Oh! Ripper!
Nobody saw that one coming!
Well, somebody seems happy
with the result. Yeah, the
crowd are going crazy!
Wonderful scenes. Let's go.
Emmanuel's back-room team need
to carefully consider....
HE LAUGHS
..need to carefully consider how to
come back from this one.
And now I shall have to kill him.
Ow!
'Mums are under starter's orders.'
'And they're off!'
CHEERING
'Which brings us to our final event
today...' Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
Hey. Oh, you missed the mums.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
'Are we ready there with year one?'
This is them, the twins.
Yeah. Wouldn't miss it for a
world...the world. The world.
WHISTLE
Go, Hayley! Go, Ben!
Come on, Ben! Come on, Hayley!
BOTH: Yes! Yes!
'And first place goes to Hayley
Maddox! Well done, Hayley!'
Well, I don't think anyone will
forget this tournament in a hurry.
That's right, I mean it's great
to see the little guy take
the ultimate prize,
but I think the real winner today is
equality. What do you reckon, mate?
Well, I'm not really a
people person.
Well, I agree, Ian.
And with that sentiment in mind,
perhaps it's also time we
finally gave women the vote.
ALL LAUGH
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
MEN: Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you!
- Thank you!
- So, literally,
a thousand thank yous?
Of course. You have finally taught
us how to fend for ourselves,
so we will come straight to you with
any other problems we might have.
Great! Well, at least that's the end
of the flesh dragon.
Yeah, cos they never come back to
life. What? Nothing! I'm sick!
I was...I was going to go swimming,
but then the man was sick all over
my hand.
Come on, Gwennit!
I love you, Debbie. Thank you.
Why do you have to overdo it every
time we have visitors?
HE CHUNDERS
Oh, great!
Far, far ago, the ancients wrote
upon the scrolls
that dark forces
would sweep our realm
until only Yonderland remained.
But they telled also of a saviour,
come from a distant world to save us
from the shadows...I reckon.
CHILDREN CHATTER
No! Shoes on feet, please.
Hi, Debs, it's me.
Erm...I'm just about to take
the twins to...
Yeah, but I can't find any of
their erm...
Hm. OK.
Oh, OK, doesn't matter.
Anyway...their race starts at
three o'clock
and then the mums' race starts at
ten to, so I assume you're going to
be going straight there from...
cro...croc-het...crochet!
I've never seen that
written down before.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
Don't be late.
Hm. Yeah, you too.
OK, look, we get this sword back
to thingy the whatsit and then I have
to go.
What's the rush? It's only a sports
day. Right, you know those kids I
had?
Ohh! Them again!
Well, they're kind of important.
If they're in a race,
I'm going to be there.
Plus they've got a mums' race.
We've got a mums' race.
A whole tribe of mums, no men.
We don't know how they do it.
I've heard rumours.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, what?! I'm ruining this jacket!
It's new! It's North Face!
The God of war? What? What?
BUGLE SOUNDS
Oh!
BUGLE
Whoa, there.
'Attention. This knight is
reversing.'
'Attention. This knight is
reversing.'
Fair maiden.
Tell me, did it hurt?
Oh, no, it's just a snag.
When you fell from the heavens.
Ha! Classic! Oh, God.
Did they catch the thief who stole
the stars and put them in your eyes?
Because I'd like to shake his hand.
Then again, he's a thief and
I'm against that, so...
How do I feel about this guy?
I'm sure you think you're very
charming...
My face leaves in five minutes...
Don't. Come on, let's go.
I like your spirit...and bottom.
Have you ever heard of "sexism"?
Mm! I'm looking right at it.
That's a "no" then.
I see you are a warrior. This sword
was forged in the fires of Banthia.
And you wear the mark of the war
god. No, it's from Millets.
- And I'm returning the sword,
so give it back.
- A quest you say?
Then you shall need a brave
companion. Er...
Then I, Philip of Woolworth,
shall return this sword
to its rightful owner,
or I shall die trying...
Whoa! It's OK, I don't think it
went all the way through.
BRANCH CRACKS
My mistake.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Yes! Get...in!
Get right in!
♪ So happy
Do the zing-a-ling! ♪
With Philip of Woolworth...
Oh, God! Haven't done that
for a while.
I'll be sick a bit.
With Philip of Woolworth dead
the tournament's wide open
for the first time in centuri!
We can finally avenge Todd.
And Martin, Carl.
Haven't forgotten you, Avril.
They let me down,
so I had to kill them all.
Does this mean you'll be
competing yourself,
oh, lithe and limber one?
Of course. I absolutely...would
if it wasn't for my wretched knee.
But, luckily, I have people to
do my bidding for me.
Helmet guy. All right?
HE WHISTLES
And I do feel bad about it, really,
but...technically, it
wasn't even my sword.
Oh, it's too complicated,
let's kill her! ALL: Yes!
It was an accident, honestly!
He was sort of flirting with me
and... ALL: Oh!
Honestly, who does he think he is?
Yeah, it worked on me....twice!
Where have you been all my life?
I'm five, mate.
Sirs and siresses,
what about grand tournament?
It's a sort of Olympics for knights.
Philip of Woolworth has been realm
champion for 7,000 centuri.
That's about 5½ years.
He was our Monpompee!
No idea. Pride of our people,
strongest of our race!
Ohh! Who will defend the title now?
Erm...
No! But you are the Chosen One!
Ohh! That changes things on
so many levels.
But hang on, I'm not a knight!
I can't literally fight
your battles for you!
ALL SIGH
Bye! Then I guess Negatus will win.
Negatus?
He always enters someone in the
tournament. He's obsessed with it.
After all, everyone loves a winner.
How are we for time? If the kid's
race is at three my time?
Three o'clock your time? Tomorrow
afternoon here. Loads of time!
OK, fine. OK, fine...I can help.
ALL: Yes! A thousand thanks yous!
Don't. But, listen, who's like the
second strongest?
FANFARE
No!
So it's like a sleepover, but
it's...
What?
Of course, to claim the
ultimate prize will require
the ultimate warrior.
And I, don't tell the boss,
have managed to lay my
hands on...quite a good one.
Finally returned from the 99 Years
War... Oh, so close!
I give you the most feared fighter
this realm has e'er known...
Emmanuel!
ALL GASP
THEY LAUGH
Ssh!
Oh, no, the boss!
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
Get him out of here!
Get him out of here!
Your Eminence, what a pleasant
surprise.
I wasn't expecting... Who relieved
Emmanuel of his command?
I did, Your Eminence. What?!
I need him to compete...
Er.. complete-ly destroy that woman
I was telling you about.
Calls herself the Chosen One,
has her eye on the
realm so I've heard.
This realm shall be mine. Well,
yeah, that's what I thought, so...
Very well, have Emmanuel
neutralise this... pretender!
As you command, Your Eminence.
And let nothing distract him from
this task. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Come on. That's it! Keep up the
energy! That's it!
WHISTLE
CHEERING
Star jump. Star jump. Star jump!
CHEERING
That's it. More from the shoulder.
More aggression. That's it.
And knee to the elbow.
Knee to the elbow.
Knee to the elbow.
Knee to the elbow.
CHEERING
There's your motivation.
Yeah, that's it. Oh!
And snaky head. And snaky head.
And snaky head.
That's it! That's it! Yes! Go on!
CHEERING
Yes!
Yes!
HE GRUNTS
Only 1.3 off Sir Phillip's record.
We might just have a chance.
We? We?! Why, you impertinent...
No, no, I meant "you". I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong with beefcake? It's my
fault, I spoke above my class.
What is this, Downton?
He's a noble, I'm a humble page,
he's better. It's written.
And you're all right with that?
You get used to it.
You, come talc my downstairs.
Well...most of it.
Right, great news!
By my calculations, we can watch
most of the tournament and still
have you home in time for this race.
No, I'm not cutting it fine.
What if it starts early, Ben
wins silver and I miss it?
Off the top of my head?
Spread a doping rumour about
the kid who came first,
demand a restart. Elf.
Oh, come on! We need to
get behind meathead.
You saw him out there, he could take
on 20 demons and not break a sweat.
ELF SIGHS
He doesn't need me any more.
ELF GASPS
Oh, no! A flesh dragon! Should have
kept the sword! Extra! Extra!
No, hang on. Get your news!
It's a news dragon.
You all right? You want some news?
We'll have some news. Left wing or
right wing? Erm...right wing.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Negatus, the much-loved
philanthropist and fundraiser...
Left wing. All right then, left wing.
Power-hungry villain Negatus
today announced suspected war
criminal Emmanuel will be his
entrant to the grand tournament,
despite...
HE SIGHS
I'll come back. Oh, no! This is bad.
This is...really bad!
Why? Is Emmanuel any good?
Is he any good?! You've
never heard of Emmanuel?
You've never heard of socks!
Ha! Owned!
Oh, come off it, ladies, he can't be
all that bad.
HE GASPS
HE WHIMPERS
HE SCREAMS
So the big purple fella has cut the
little fella's arm off.
Oh! And his other arm.
And a leg. And... Oh, look, a
flutterbug!
Waste of time, can't get 'em to
focus. Hm.
SCREAMING
BOTH GASP
Oh!
Yeah, he's pretty good!
He's a psychopath.
We don't stand a chance.
He is good, sir. But with my
training and your natural bravery...
HE WHIMPERS
He'll be back.
He just needs some time...
EXPLOSION
BEEFCAKE WHIMPERS
Well, you are really screwed now.
My career's over!
I'm going to have to sell my ass...
and I love that donkey.
No, look, it won't come to that.
We'll just find another champion.
Tournament's tomorrow!
OK, well, what about you?
HE SNIGGERS
THEY LAUGH
ALL LAUGH
Only nobles can compete.
It's written. Written, I know.
A page's place is to serve,
to train...and, occasionally,
if they get lonely, to...
Erm...no page has ever appeared
in a tournament, ever.
Maybe it's time for a change.
Like when women got the vote.
HE LAUGHS
Are you telling me that women...?
Yeah, one thing at a time, eh?
Look, we're just going to
have to face it, Negatus
will take ultimate prize
and there's nothing we can do
about it. Oh, yes, we can.
The show's not over till the
fat lady sings. Who? What
fat lady? Are you on drugs?
How long have you been training
champions? Since the moon
was in the seventh house.
A long time. Well, exactly.
So no-one knows more about
this tournament than you.
But it's written!
The Da Vinci Code was written,
doesn't mean it's any good.
You could be an inspiration! To who?
SHE SIGHS
LAUGHTER
Imagine it now,
a page on that podium.
There's so much more to you than
talcing someone's...downstairs.
And I can...
Are you certain I'd have
time? What for the
tournament? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, well, that's it then. I'll come
and help. I will be your page.
My page? Yeah. Show those
smug idiots in there that
times are changing.
But I'm going to draw the line at the
talc thing, OK? What do you say?
You...
Oh, I don't know!
SHE SIGHS
What about wood?
What? Can wood vote where you're
from? No!
Typical. Woodism!
SHE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
Got me nuts, got me grapple juice.
Mm! Afternoon of games.
'Hello there.'
Well, the big news overnight is
that Negatus has entered Emmanuel
into this grand tournament,
prompting all other
competitors to pull out.
I'm joined here by former champion,
Sir Ian of Mace.
Ian, how will this development
affect the tournament?
Well the difference with these games
is there won't be any games,
there's going to be an opening
ceremony, a closing ceremony,
and then home in time for
highlights.
Assuming there are any.
Right. Which there won't be.
Well, with nothing more to discuss,
let's go over to the stadium,
where the Chief of the Council
of Elders will now formally
open proceedings.
Council of Idiots more like!
HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
It's times like these,
you wish you had buddies.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
- Go!
- CHEERING
And with the tournament now
officially open, all that remains
is the closing ceremony.
- Ian, thoughts?
- No.
BOOING
- Not a popular winner, Ian.
- No, well, he did try and wipe
out the Elephantians,
and those guys never forget.
There's the teapot.
I taught him that.
But he's our winner and we've all
just got to accept it.
Er...no. I'm going to have to stop
you there, Ian,
because it looks like... Yes!
We have another competitor!
CHEERING
Who is this?
A new page.
- Cos I'm a page and also you turn a
page.
- I know, I get it. Go on!
A page?! But it is written...
Shouldn't be allowed! Is it a child?
- I dunno, mate, but he's really,
really skinny.
- Judge me not!
I mean, do not judge me!
I know what is written,
I've read it. We all have.
I haven't. It's OK, I've read it
twice. Oh, aye.
But just because something is
written, does that mean it's right?
No! Cos Kevin's not even allowed
in the woods...and Mahoney's
my favourite.
When you going to marry me, Linda?
Look, all I'm saying is we can't
just let Negatus take ultimate
prize without a fight.
What? And if no-one else will
face Emmanuel,
then should a few ancient words on
some dusty old parchment
stop a humble page from trying?
Well, he makes a fair point.
Could it be re-written?
What if robes were optional?
No. Oh.
What say ye?
I mean, what do ye say. You.
Erm...it is...
It is decided.
The page...
..may compete! Well, he's an
unlikely champion, Ian,
but, unless I'm very much mistaken,
we have ourselves a tournament!
Yeah, but, Gary, he's no knight.
Question is, has he the globes to
master the four heraldic
disciplines.
I'm talking about archery, swordplay
- brute strength and
my favourite...kissing.
- Yeah.
Ah, this newcomer must really be
feeling the pressure
as he steps up to the mark.
Wait a minute...this kid could
actually be good.
- Need a kebab!
- ALL GASP
HE LAUGHS
Tough luck, buddy!
So, I suppose what I'm asking,
Miss Fanshawe...
Rachel...
SHE GASPS
is...
ARROW THUDS
HE WHIMPERS
HE SCREAMS
CHEERING
So...I've signed you up for the
mums' race. Lovely.
And...the twins are
up shortly after that.
But they are running slightly
ahead of schedule, so...
Well, just don't cut it too fine.
Oh, and you have got
to see Oli's mum's hair.
OK, bye.
Well, after his crushing defeat
in the weightlifting,
it's great to see such valiant
swordplay from our plucky page there.
Yeah, but with one event to
go, it's just too little
too late for me, mate.
Ah, the kissing. My favourite round.
Although the kissing attracts the
big points, it's those extra marks
for style, persistence,
flirtation that can really make
the difference out there.
So it's not just kissing a lady.
Not this lady, Gary. She's a pro.
25 five years on the...in the game
and I tell you what,
for five of those years, well, she
certainly taught me a thing or two.
MAN HOLLERS
There he is...Emmanuel, big fella.
Let's hope he's brought his A game.
We'll, they're ready to go.
She just needs to...give him the eye.
WOLF WHISTLE
And the clock's ticking! She's
headed straight to the kissing gate.
The question is, will he follow?
He's making a move! No!
Oh! That's gotta hurt!
SHE GIGGLES
If I were Emmanuel, I'd head
straight for the wall.
And he has! That is straight out of
the training manual.
SHE GASPS
But he's spooked her!
He has spooked her! Fact is, mate,
the clock is ticking.
You know, he's gotta go for it!
Move in. Move in. Move in.
CROWD GASPS
Yes! Nice move.
And what's this?!
I don't believe it! That's a little
bit old school for me.
What are you talking about
old school, that's classic!
OK, he's moving in. It looks big.
It's a huge score!
What's our underdog got in reply.
Beat that, skinny boy!
Speaking of which,
where is our underdog?
CROWD SLOW-HAND CLAPS
Hey, what are you doing? You've got
to get out there.
I can't do it. Yes, you can.
You're doing really well.
No, I can't do...that.
I've... I've never...
- Kissed?!
- SHE SIGHS
Look, it's not difficult,
I promise you.
It just sort of happens.
Like when you love someone,
or you meet a friend,
or just for luck. For luck?
Yeah, sometimes...
God this place is weird!
For luck.
Where is he?!
CHEERING
Well, he's out Gary, but
he's got no time to use
the course. He's blown it.
He's got nothing!
CHEERING
What on realm is he doing?! I've no
idea, mate, but this is madness!
Er...!
Where did he learn to
kiss like that?!
CHEERING
Debbie!
SHE GASPS
CHEERING
No! Oh! Ripper!
Nobody saw that one coming!
Well, somebody seems happy
with the result. Yeah, the
crowd are going crazy!
Wonderful scenes. Let's go.
Emmanuel's back-room team need
to carefully consider....
HE LAUGHS
..need to carefully consider how to
come back from this one.
And now I shall have to kill him.
Ow!
'Mums are under starter's orders.'
'And they're off!'
CHEERING
'Which brings us to our final event
today...' Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
Hey. Oh, you missed the mums.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
'Are we ready there with year one?'
This is them, the twins.
Yeah. Wouldn't miss it for a
world...the world. The world.
WHISTLE
Go, Hayley! Go, Ben!
Come on, Ben! Come on, Hayley!
BOTH: Yes! Yes!
'And first place goes to Hayley
Maddox! Well done, Hayley!'
Well, I don't think anyone will
forget this tournament in a hurry.
That's right, I mean it's great
to see the little guy take
the ultimate prize,
but I think the real winner today is
equality. What do you reckon, mate?
Well, I'm not really a
people person.
Well, I agree, Ian.
And with that sentiment in mind,
perhaps it's also time we
finally gave women the vote.
ALL LAUGH
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