Yonderland (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Wizard Bradley - full transcript

Oh, my God. I've definitely got flu.
Feel my glands. No.

Pete, if there was a ?50 note in the
garden, would you go and get it?

Yes. Then you haven't got flu.
What? That's the test for flu.

But it's 50 quid.

Don't you remember
what I went through

to get that ?2 coin
I dropped down the loo?

OK, fine. I'll go to work.

But you're going to feel pretty bad
when they send me home dead.

What have I told you about coming
round here when my family are around?

I don't know, some words?
Look, you must come now.

It's to do with your fate.
No time to lose.



Well, can I drop
the kids off at school first?

Yeah. No rush. Oh. What?

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote
upon the scrolls that dark forces

would sweep our realm until
only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,
come from a distant world,

to save us from the
shadows...and stuff.

Please. Negatus.
Please, show mercy.

Negatus knows no mercy.

Oh, no!

Oh, dear!

Oh. Right, already that doesn't look
like it did in the brochure.

He's supposed to get incinerated,
not a light tan.

Mains pressure, most likely. There
should be a tap here somewhere.

I thought it was going
to have, grr, gnashy teeth?



Can I...? Yes, thank you,
whatever-your-name is.

It's Raymond. Don't care, mate. Oh.

I can do you gnashy teeth, but it's
not included in the offer. Typical.

Oh, Stormiest Of Clouds,
she's here again.

Sorry, who's here?
The one they call "the Chosen One".

Perfect landing. So she's back?
What is she doing here?

BOTH: Er...

See, we get this a lot, don't we?
GO FOLLOW HER!

And try and get a
bead more information this time.

Or you'll end up like him...

who I'm going to kill
in a horrible way

once I get that working.
BOTH: Oh, right. OK.

Well, go on then. OK.

So, how much for these teeth?

Ball park figure...

Whoa. You really are
making a killing.

Price of gas. Blimey.

As you know, Debbie,
the second scroll,

which foretells the fate of our
lands, was "misplaced".

Oh, how many times? I was drunk.

However, it is believed that the
ancient ones made a duplicate

and that this copy was
placed in the Temple of Tombs.

Now... The doors to the temple open
once every quillenia.

B-bu...! I was coming to that.

Yes, I know that, but I don't feel
the need to pipe up. Exactly.

I also know that the doors
to the temple close

once the sun sets o'er the mountain.

It won't open for another
quillion years,

so it is vital we get
the second scroll today.

I thought we said I would say the
stuff. What is wrong with you?

You used to be a smashing lad.
I wanted to say some stuff.

No-one lets me say anything.
I have a question.

If you lot know where it is,
why don't you go and get it?

Tummy ache.
Not really my vibe.

Because you alone must
discover the second scroll

and your destiny which lies therein.

The other lands
have fallen to darkness

and Negatus is determined
that ours shall follow.

Only you can stop him.

OK, fine. (Yes!)
So who's going to come and help me?

Again, it's not really my vibe.
The old tennis elbow.

Perhaps, if we were to
cast off these cumbersome robes...

Looks like it's me and you again.

It's for the best.
They only slow you down. Come on.

So scratchy.
Anyone else find them scratchy?

There it is,
the path to the Temple of Tombs.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

When was the last time you had
a good feeling about something?

Spring '48. Her name was Flora.

Ah, sorry. Excuse me?
Queue, anyone? No?

It's just we camped overnight
so that we could be here first.

I'm a bit of a temple collector,
if you will.

Yes, John really knows his temples.
Sorry, Mary? I was talking.

Sorry, John.
No, it's interesting.

The path to the Temple of Tombs

is almost as mysterious
as the temple itself.

No-one knows why the soft yellow
stone cobbles are in such

pristine condition, which only
adds to its unique allure.

Shall we, team? Yes.
Sorry, sorry. Who got us here?

Was it John or Mary?
You did so... John did. John did.

John did. Correct. Thank you.

HE GROWLS

Friend.

John. Wait.

Sorry, if you could all be quiet,
I'm just trying to breathe it in.

Oh, Mary.

Kissy wissy.
SMOOCHING

THEY GASP

Oh. Gone deady.

Ouch.

At last!

Jenny, I'm coming.

Yeah, I think we're all quite
relieved he's dead.

That's it. We're popplewhacked.

No we're...not.

We just have to find a way across.

And we've got until the sun sets,
so we'll just find someone

who can teleport us or, or...

Or make us invisible. Yeah, you're
right, we're popplewhacked.

Hang on, did you say "invisible"?

Gottle of geer. Gottle of geer.

Here, Arn. You coming for an ale?
Yeah, all right.

I tell you, this guy is amazing.

Yeah, I used to go and see him
all the time.

The Wizard Bradley - last of the
Great Wizards. You'll love him.

OK. Next up, we've got Wild Orchid.
ALL: Ooh.

Yeah, I'm not asking for three
pieces of silver,

I'm not asking
for two pieces of silver,

I'm asking for five pieces
of silver.

Who wants a bit of that, then?
Oh, I love it. I'll take the lot.

All right, Carol.

But you work for me, don't you.
Yeah. You're the stooge.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Go on.
Yes, lady?

We're looking
for the Great Wizard Bradley.

THEY LAUGH
He's over there, love.

Anyone else interested?

No, but you... OK.
Does anyone here not work for me?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Behold, the power of flight.

CRASH

The power of rubbish, more like.
Zing.

HE SPLUTTERS
Behold, the power of invisabolity.

Ooh. Hee-hee.

Ah. Can you see me?

The power of stupidity, more like.
THEY LAUGH

You're owned.
You're bad at this, aren't you?

Do you want some?
Cos I'll give it you. Bring it.

And don't miss my next performance,

when I will be showcasing
my rain spell.

Weather permitting.
Give up and go home, mate.

He's gone a bit downhill.

But he really could do those things,
back in the day.

Well, you'd better hope
we can jog his memory.

Ah, the flames are still too low.
They should be...

HE HISSES
"ARGH. My face is burning."

Yeah, it's just the health and safety
issues around flame height.

Can't we just...
Your Darkededness, we have news.

Thingy is helping What's-her-face.

Debbie of the Maddox has enlisted
the help of the Wizard Bradley.

Yeah, what he said.
Bradley is powerless.

I dealt with him years ago.

To what end is
she enlisting his help?

THEY HESITATE
Oh, for heaven's sake.

Right, new rule, K?

Next time you
get some new information,

one of you report back to me
and the others stay and follow her.

Why do you always have to hang
around together

like a bunch of sissies?
Oi. Thank you.

Now go. Out of my face.

Well, I can do you a
safety fence but, erm...

Do I look like a safety
fence kind of guy?

Hello?

Why, hello to you and you.

A lady? One minute.

No swearing. Oh.

So, how can
I help you this fine day?

I have pills and potions
for every ill and malady.

Even beauty ointments -
not that you'd be needing those.

What about invisibility?
No problem.

I can do that for you right
now for a small fee,

though I must insist that you
remain within these walls

and close your eyes.

We need you to help us get over the
Golden Path to the Temple of Tombs.

I'm so sorry. It's actually early
closing on Wednesday, so, er...

You won't help us?

It's just I said I'd pick my sister
up from the swimming pools.

But we really need you.
Look. I said no. What is this?

Did you come here to mock me?

Have you got nothing better to do
than to torment an old man?

No, Wizard.
I'm one of your biggest fans.

Fans? I don't have fans anymore.

Those days are long gone,
little girl.

Once upon a time I could help you,
but not now.

What happened?
I lost my Mojo.

Fair enough. Let's go. What?
Well, he's lost his mojo. Come on.

You're not going to find
it at the bottom of a bottle.

That's exactly where
you'll find him.

No, you wo-...

Hang on. Him?

Water into ale.

I'll turn your water into ale.
HE HICCOUGHS

I've told you before,
no dogs, no children and no Mojos.

Now, go on, get out of it.

Ah, nuts.

Yeah, I was Wizard Bradley's Mojo.
But he took me for granted.

Just because I'm small
doesn't mean he can treat me

like a second class citizen.

I admit, he supplied the
personality.

Apparently I lack slightly
in the charisma department.

I know!

But I supplied the magic.

Could you make someone invisible?
No. Not on my own.

There's certain magic that won't
work without that chemistry.

Listen, I need your help. I want you
to work with the wizard and...

Never. I'll never go back.
I can survive on my own.

I was like a slave to him
until someone opened my eyes.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

It was back in the day,
we were riding high

when this big shadowy fella
came to see me.

Said he was a theatre producer,
made me see the light.

Why should Bradley get the dressing
room, the nice biscuits,

all the...attention?

It actually looks like a wand.
THEY LAUGH

I never saw that producer again,
funnily enough.

But I got the point.

It was MY name that should be
up in lights.

Well, you got your name up
in...erm...chalk.

Are you skitting me? No.

Oi. I've warned you. Marty.
Fetch the snakes.

Go on. No. Get out of it. Go on.
No. Now look what you've done.

Oh, just leave me alone.

Make a hole. Move your cankles.

Nice one.
Now what are we going to do?

Votes for giving up?
Never say never.

She just said it twice.
Yeah. She's losing it.

Maddox. Certainly, sir.

Your table, sir.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

This way, sir.
GRUNTING

CLATTERING
Dear me. Anyway, what was I saying?

You? You?

I'm supposed to be meeting
Debbie of Maddox.

I got a message to meet
a top theatre producer.

Still trying to make
it on your own, eh?

Still trying to get the GROUPIES?
RESTAURANT FALLS SILENT

To be honest,
I just fancied a free meal.

Things not great for you either?

Not brilliant, no. You?
Been better.

Gentlemen, the meal is on the house.

Oh. In which case
I'll have the crystal fish.

Make it two.
Very well, sir.

TWO CRYSTAL FISH.

Who's paying for all this?

Do you think the Elders
have ever heard of expenses?

THEY GASP

Another bottle of the silk wine.
Of course, sir.

BOTTLE OF BLACK NUN. And do you
remember the tour of the Hotlands?

Remember it?
It was us that made it hot.

See. Never say never.

You know you're
saying it, right? Shh.

Well, I won't have
any of that in MY dressing room.

YOUR dressing room?
What's wrong with sharing mine?

Your toenail clippings,
for starters.

And you think I enjoy your cigar
smoke? Oh. Here we go again.

I never should have doubted you,
Debbie.

What should I expect from the Chosen
One? Well, you found the wizard.

Yes, but this whole meal
thing was your idea. Genius.

Well, I suppose... Oh, no.
Come on. Feel the fury.

STOP.

It's him. He's impossible.
He's an egomaniac.

I'M an egomaniac?
I know you are, but what am I? Eugh.

Anyway, I've got to go.
I've got a show to perform.

Call that a show?
You're a laughing stock.

Get back to your
gutter tinkering, hairball.

So sorry, Debbie, my child.

Well, go after him. Why should I?

Because you're the calm, level-headed
one. Yeah, I know I'm handsome,

but he only ever hears
what he wants to hear.

But you two need each other.
And he misses you, Mojo.

He told us so.
I don't remember him saying...

Really? Yes. And maybe you
took him for granted, too.

But just take five minutes

to think about what he's done
for you over the years.

Just take five minutes.

I don't need five minutes.

I don't need five seconds.

Get out the way.
Honestly, they're like my kids.

Not to look at, I hope.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

I get signal in here?
I can't even get one in Lidl.

Oh, no.

Debbie. Where are you going? Debbie?

DEBBIE: 'Just take five minutes.'

WIZARD BRADLEY: 'And huge thanks
to my tiny assistant, Mojo.'

'So I'm thrilled to be Mojo's
best man for a third time.'

UNKNOWN CHARACTER: 'I don't think
I belong in this montage.

'There's been a mistake.'

MOJO: 'You posted bail?'

WIZARD BRADLEY: 'Of course I did.
What are friends for?

ECHO: 'Friends for...
Friends for...'

Debbie, please! What about
the scroll? Your fate?

Look, if fate meant me to be here
now, it wouldn't have made Pete ill.

Don't be silly, fate doesn't make
you ill - Ogre's Milk does.

LAUGHTER
You've got no act! Got no skills.

Behold, I shall now fly.

You're going to DIE, more like.

ALL LAUGH AND SCOFF

ALL GASP

You came back?

Yeah. I'm sorry. We're better
together. Like Lemon and McCarthy.

The famous drag act.

Hey, I'm sorry too.

Right, then, let's show these
fools what we're made of!

NECK CLICKS

Look, I want to find this scroll, as
well. You don't think I want to know

why there's another world
in my kitchen cupboard?

Believe me, I'm curious.

But Pete's not well
and I need to be there.

Open the portal. But...

Please.

All right.

Oh, thank you very much,
just nodded off.

Wait, wait, Debbie, look!

Now we can get the scroll.
Close the portal.

We've got a few more minutes.
Pete'll live.

I've got a date with a wizard!
Strange sentence.

ALL GASP

Thank you. Thank you.
You're welcome.

Right then, Debbie,
let's get your dog!

Oh, no, it was a scroll.

Oh, yes. Sorry - bit drunk.

Hup! Come on, then.

BODY BLOW
Ohhh...!

Zing that!

"Owned!"
HE CHUCKLES

They're going to get the scroll!
We should follow them.

Er, how? They went invisible.

Yeah, and they disappeared.

There they are! Come on!

No, wait - new rule, remember?
We're supposed to split up!

But who's going to go
and tell His Darkship?

I'll go! I'll go! Ooh!
"I'll go cos I love him!"

HE SNIGGERS

Don't be a child, Jeff.

Yes, don't be a child, Jeff.

Right, then, there's a scroll
in there with my name on it.

Literally.

DEMONIC LAUGHTER
Negatus's demons!

No! They can't get the scroll!

Ha-ha! Losers!

THEY SCOFF

Whoops!

Friend!

Double friend!

Oh, no!

Nice working with you.

Yeah.

No, no, no, please, no!

Aaaaggghh....!

I might just wait here.

Come on!

More friends!

Come on, the sun's going down.

Shush.

You shhhh. No, you!
THEY ARGUE

That's it! We're here.

Too late! They're closing!

Ow!

So this is how it ends.

Debbie, we need to get out.

No wait, I think I've found it!

The scroll!

Debbie, its moonpaper,
it can't be exposed to...

..sunlight.

Just leave it!

Debbie, come on, we have to go!

My haaa-aaaa-aaaat...

..can easily be replaced.

Well, so much for The Chosen One.

You're doing great - on most of my
quests there'd been a death by now.

What? Nothing. I'm just saying,
don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, look at them.

You put magic back
into the world, literally.

You don't half talk some crud.

Well, my eternal thanks...
- Hey!

OUR eternal thanks to you, Debbie.
And you, my child.

I'm 43. And if there's anything
I can do to repay you, well...

Actually. I know exactly
how you can repay me.

Let's go back to your place.

Oh, um, well, I'm very
flattered, Debbie,

but, it's been a little while,
I'm a little rusty, technique...

Not for that! Oh!

Oh. Oh...

So you failed to find
the second scroll

and the Wizard Bradley's powers
have been returned?

That is correct, oh,
darkest of lords.

You imbeciles!

Ah! Stop doing it, then!

You know by now what happens
to those who fail me.

Right, so gas is back on,
that should all be...

That's good. So...lets have a
look-see at the old bill, eh?

We have got 55 for
the furnace itself,

70 for labour,
then the dreaded VAT.

Speaking of dreaded vats...

Aaaagh!

See! Gnashy teeth!

You've got to have
your gnashy teeth.

Gnash him right up!

That stuff is amazing!

I'd be out in the garden
for a fiver now!

Where do you get it?

Oh, just this place I know.

It's not that new-age gaff, is it?
No, no, it's, um...

Look, every day for the past two
weeks an Elf has come through

the kitchen cupboard
and taken me to another world,

and a wizard there gave
me the medicine.

And I know that that
sounds really weird...

HE SNORES

Oh, my days! That wizard just
blew my mind, man!

GERMAN ACCENT: I'm not from,
er, this part,

but I saw him and then
he is not here.

And we was like, "Where?"
And he was like, "Where?"

And we were like, "WHERE?"

My brain is trying to now compute
what my eyes now know, yeah?!

I'm sorry, but if
you're not impressed by that,

I don't want to know you.

Unless you're, like, really pretty
and then I'll probably get over it.

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