Wrecked (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Phantom - full transcript

Previously on "Wrecked"...

I can't stay in the same
place with the same people...

I'm gonna chart the island.

Great idea. I'll come with.

I think I'm gonna go
by myself on this one.

I think we need an election.

The new leader of the island is...

Steve!

Really?!

Todd stole the camp's stuff.

What if we dug a giant pit?



We can throw Todd in there

until he gives us all of our stuff back.

Throw him in the pit!

Oh, God!

All the hard work you've been doing

for all these years is gone.

Pack, the beach is that way!

Hello!

Anybody!

I gave you your stupid stuff back!

Now get me out of here,
you goddamn animals!

What happens if it rains?!

I'll drown!

Or maybe I can swim my way out.



Oh, yeah. Come on, rain.

Come on, rain!

Hey, Todd. I got your food.

Come on. Hey, Chumba!

Chumba, man, hey, listen,
you got to get me out of here.

There's, uh

There's something down here.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

I don't know, Chumba, but it's weird.

It's so weird.

Here, come down here so
you can see for yourself.

Is your plan to get me down there

so you can hold me hostage?

- No.
- I'm not going down there, Todd.

you, Chumba! You rat!

I'll rip your heart out. Oh, God!

Here's your food.

No.

- Goodbye, Todd.
- No! No, Chumba!

Hey, hey! Chumba, wait!

I thought we were bros, dude!

Oh, Chumba, let me out of here!

Oh, Chumba!

Dad?

Hey, there he is! Big O!

Oh, shit!

Was that today?

- I'm sorry, dude, I had this...
- Where are you going?

Well, uh...

I got to jet off for a while.

Why?

Well, your mom and me,
we're having some issues.

Let me see if I can explain it
in terms you can understand.

Sometimes in the, uh, pageant of love,

there can be more than one winner,

like your mom and her friend Linda

and sometimes Linda's sister, Stacey.

The point is, your mom doesn't
want to share the crown.

So I got to move out.

Are you coming back?

Owen, can I give you a
little bit of advice?

Don't ever stay in one
place for too long.

You just end up getting hurt.

It's best to just...
fsht! Keep on moving.

Moving is living.

That and crank one out once a day.

Keeps you loose, sharp.

You got that, buddy?

Moving is living.

And don't forget to crank one out!

Oh.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to the third
island meeting under me,

your new prime mini-Steve.

All right, well, lots to discuss today.

But first up, some exciting news.

Nigel, quite a good rummager,

going through the wreckage,
found a flare gun.

- Yeah!
- Kudos to you, Nigel.

It'll come in handy.

Now, today,
I'd like to discuss new shelters.

I think it's about time
we started building

- more permanent structures.
- Look!

Owen's back! And I think
he's got something!

Oh, wait, guys! Hang on.

I haven't finished talking
about the structures and...

footpaths.

Hey. I found this on the
other side of the island.

- Nice!
- Yeah.

What were you doing over there?

What do you mean? I was
just walking around.

I was just... It washed up on the beach.

And I was just walking around.
Why, what, huh?

"Cowboy Pants Truck Time."

Yeah.

That's nice, Owen.

Don't you guys see what this is?

A super-confusing Chinese jeans ad?

Guys, it's a sail.

Yeah?

This is our way home.

So hungry.

I'm so hungry.

Ugh!

Oh!

What the hell?

What happened?

Ooh!

Food!

Food!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm gonna die here.

With two gross dudes.

Owen, how's the tarp going?

Good. Good. I think, you know,
we just got to build a boat.

I was thinking instead of a boat,

we could use the tarp for shelter.

What?

Shelter, it's... It's just basically...

It means like a covering to keep you...

Yeah, I understand
what shelter is, Steve.

I just... I don't understand why.

Oh, just 'cause it's
always raining here.

You know, it would be nice to
have somewhere dry to hide,

get some sort of livable space.

Well, how about when you find a tarp,
you can make it livable.

But I found this tarp,
so I'm gonna sail home.

Yeah?

Well, the thing is,
I-I'm kind of in charge now.

So...

Wait, was that not a joke?

When Diane said that they
elected you to be the boss,

I thought that was a big joke.

- Is that real?
- That's real.

It was a landslide victory.

Holy moly!

Whoa! That is hilarious!

Steve!

I had a good laugh, too.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I was, "Me?!"

- You know?
- I know, you?!

- Yeah.
- Not you.

- Yes, turns out, I'm the guy.
- Come on.

So what I'm gonna do is now
just confiscate this from you.

Okay, Steve, how about this, man?

How about we go ahead
and we ask your island

what they want to do with the tarp?

Seriously, nobody else wants
to use the tarp as a sail?

Just us three? Really?

Guys, we have to at
least make an attempt.

Moving is living, right?

Florence, don't you
want to get out of here?

Of course I do,
but sailing into that ocean is suicide.

Besides, now we've got a flare gun.

I mean, we could get rescued here.

That's the ultimate plan, surely!

In the meantime,
we can use the tarp for shelter.

It would be nice to have someplace dry.

You know, more livable.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well, who votes we use the
"Truck Time" tarp for shelter

until we come up with a
better solution for rescuing?

Seriously?

Well, there it is, then.

I might even add quite a landslide.

I hope you all feel real
good about yourselves,

making a grown man go crazy!

Who's there?!

Jess, you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just stupid Todd and stuff.

Maybe I should just go check on him,
make sure he's okay.

Uh, no. You do not go see
your ex after a breakup, okay?

Trust me.

Besides, you are way too good for him!

What? I don't know.

Oh, my God!

You are the hottest ever,
and he's like a two, max.

Oh, my God.

You're like Kate Winslet in "Titanic."

You don't want to be chained
to some douchebag fianc?.

You want to be getting it on,

dancing a jig to some fiddle
music with some immigrants,

steaming up the windows.

You want to do all that.

You don't want to be locked
up to some ball and chain.

Todd's like that actor
who played the fianc?.

What's that guy's name?

I-I don't know.

Oh, my God! What is
his name? I don't know.

He's got those eyebrows.

Ow.

- Danny?
- Yeah?!

What is the name of the guy

who played Kate Winslet's fianc? in
"Titanic"?

Uh...

With the eyebrows.

It's not Josh Brolin,
but it's like Josh Brolin.

- Nothing like Josh Brolin.
- No, what's his name?

- Idiot.
- Josh Hartnett.

He's got brows!

- No, it's not.
- No.

- Very wrong.
- Eric Stoltz?

Absolutely not!

Matthew Modine. Matthew Fox!

Oh, my God, you're so worthless!

It doesn't matter. Never mind.

It does matter, because
I know I know it.

Don't know his name. Idiot.

It's fine.

Not Stoltz?

Anyways, you have got to
release your inner Winslet.

Mmm.

Okay, and I'm talking about rebound sex.

Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no.

- I do not think I can do that.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

No. No, no, no.

Some guys are like

Uh... Oh! Oh!

Pa-pow!

No, no, no, no.

Somebody!

A wild animal fell in here.
I'm not kidding this time!

Somebody come get it! Oh, my God!

All right, fine! I'll deal with it.

Okay. Okay, Todd.

Okay, Todd, you're a badass, Todd.

Do it! Do it!

Get ready to die!

This is killing me.

Yeah, I know. I found that tarp.

What?!

I should be able to do with
my tarp whatever I want.

He finds a tarp,
he can do whatever he wants.

He can build a shelter
with his own tarp.

I respect tarps.
That's not a problem for me.

I'm just trying to get
people off the island.

I'm trying to figure out

who played Kate Winslet's fianc? in
"Titanic."

- Who cares?
- Like half the island.

None of us can remember his name.

I mean, back home, we would know in,
like, two seconds.

I'm sorry.

I can't work until I figure this out.

I'm going to ask somebody else.

All right. Team, let's get together!

Let's figure this out right now!

The ship is going
down. He's a real dick.

Oh, who was that actor, right, guys?!

Oh, I can't even think
about building this shelter

till we figure this out.

If only we were back home!

Eric Roberts?

James Marsden.

Oh, one of the Dillons.

No, no, and no!

Oh, wait. Is he the
guy from "The Mummy"?

You know, the guy that plays the mummy.

You mean Arnold Vosloo?

Yeah.

Are we serious, Pablo?!

Why don't you get the
out of here, okay?!

Why don't you go take a walk

and start using your brain on that walk

and come back when you have some ideas!

Is this really happening?

I just wish I had my phone, you know?

- God damn it!
- Right?

Shit!

I feel like the only way we're
gonna get this guy's name

is if we stop waiting around
for something to happen

and actually do something ourselves,
you know?

Right? Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna go start working on my boat

because something tells me
these people are gonna want

to get off this island
sooner rather than later.

And that tarp is as good as mine.

Yeah, sure. Whatever, man.

Billy Crudup. Huh? No?

- Damn it!
- What's all this?

Why have you stopped working?

We're trying to figure out who
played the fianc? in "Titanic."

It's extremely important.

Is it? Come on, Owen.

Sounds a bit silly.

Silly? Sounds a bit silly?

Okay, if we as an island cannot remember

the name of one of the
world's finest actors,

what are we gonna forget next, huh?

Music? What beauty is?

Huh? Harry Potter?!

- No!
- No!

- Great series.
- Yeah.

Guys, back home,

we were living in the
golden age of information.

Here, we are one step away
from living like apes!

Like apes!

Soon, we're probably gonna be
hucking our poop at each other,

jerking off out in the open.

This guy already did once, I think.

Do you want to Huck your
own poop at people, Diane?

- No!
- You want to Huck poop!

- No!
- Is that what you want, Diane?!

- No!
- I didn't think so!

This is not about just
the name of an actor.

This is about our humanity.

Right, guys? Who's with me?!

Come on!

- That's right!
- Yeah!

- Yes! I'm with you!
- Yeah!

Yeah!

Anthony Edwards?

Buddy?

You ain't looking too good.

You're alive?

Who, me?

Oh. Oh, hell no.

I'm deader than a doorknob.

- So is my old buddy Jerry here.
- How you doing?

How the shit are you talking right now?

Well, my guess,
and I am speaking from some experience,

is that you are in the
final hallucinating stage

of starvation.

Oh, yeah. Your little
body's shutting down.

Is that how you guys died?

Oh, no, no, unh-unh. I took him out.

Oh, bullshit! I got you first.

I got you with a choke hold.

- Oh! Eat stick!
- Yeah, find out who's getting...

Hey! Hey!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop fighting! Stop fighting!

Agree to disagree!

How did this happen?

Well, after the crash,
we landed out here.

Food ran out about five days ago,

and things went bad fast.

I'm never gonna let this country
jackass make a meal out of me.

- Jackass?!
- Oh, gross!

How could you guys even
think about eating a person?!

I hate to break it to you, pal,

but you're thinking about it right now.

No, no. No, no, I'm not!

- No, I'm not.
- Whoa.

Man, just think of us
for what we really are...

Two piles of meat!

- Mmm!
- No.

Finger-licking.

No.

No.

- All you can eat.
- No.

The buffet is open.

What?

You hungry?

Well, sucks for you.

Should have brought something to eat,
shouldn't you have?

All right.

These are Cheez-Its. They're precious.

It's my last bag.

Good shit, right?

I'm gonna name you Meat.

All right, Owen. The
was quite the prank.

Well done.

I think this should end now, though.

I want everyone to get
back to the shelter.

What's the matter, Steve, huh?

You worried that if people
don't find this place livable,

they might want to give me the tarp?

Owen, do you know the
name of that actor?

Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't.

Well, if you won't end it, I will.

Okay, well, unless you know the name,
I'd like to see you try.

I know the name.

How does Stanley Tucci sound?

Yeah, that's not even close.

Oh! God damn it!

Sure it was Tucci.

He's been in so many goddamn things.

All the faces look the same.

I got it!

I got it.

I know the name!

Rupert Everett!

We already said Rupert Everett, Pablo!

Oh!

What's wrong with you?!

I can't remember!

None of us can remember, Diane!

No, I mean I can't remember
what my dog smells like!

Oh, God.

Dear God, it's begun.

What is beauty?

Oh, look at us.

It's a real shame, isn't it?

You know, I just wish

Owen would tell us what
the name is already.

Owen knows the name?

Yeah.

Yep.

Let's get him!

Owen!

Tell us the name of the actor

who played the fianc? from "Titanic"

or we'll rip your head off!

Owen, I told them you didn't know.

- Oh, God!
- He knows!

He's just keeping it from us

to get back at Steve for
taking his stupid tarp.

Hey, hey, I don't know
the name, I swear.

If he won't tell us the name,
we'll tear his boat apart.

Let's go!

Hey, wait, wait! Wait!

Okay, this is exactly
why we shouldn't be here.

Guys, we cannot live like this!

This is the reason that
we should take this boat

and we should leave the island.

- Tear his boat apart!
- Yeah!

No, no, no! Hey, no!

No!

Oh, everyone!

Look at what Owen has done to us.

Shame on him for causing this.

But shame on us.

We've stooped just as low.

But he won't tell us the name!

We have to know the name!

Well, there's another way.

- What way?
- We try and stop remembering.

We busy our minds with
building the shelter.

We just let the answer come to us.

What if it doesn't work?

Then we're coming for Owen.

You see, the thing about monogamy

is nature doesn't wire us that way.

Exactly!

You know what I mean?

Guy like this, a lot of options.

What the hell?

Meat, stay back.

All right, listen,

we're gonna keep you out of sight,
all right?

'Cause if they knew
you were down here...

they'd eat you.

And you don't want to be eaten, do you?

No, you don't.

You don't want to be eaten.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Who's it gonna be, man?
- Shut up.

I kind of cut Gary open a little bit.

Probably dig in there,
get some good rib meat.

- Shut up!
- You don't want me, man.

I'm all dry inside.

But look at this thick...
Oh... juicy rump on Jerry.

I'm gonna tell you what,
if I had my choice,

that's exactly where
I'd sink my chompers.

- This?
- That.

Yeah, you do not want any of this.

I haven't worked out in years.

This is like a can of uncooked biscuits.

That is some grade-A, 100% flank steak.

Put a little bitty
pat of butter on that.

Shut up!

I don't care if I'm
starving or going insane.

I am not eating a person.

That's a bridge you can't uncross.

Okay, so just... Aah!

- Yo, Gary.
- Uh-oh.

I don't even think this
dude wants to live.

He doesn't.

Of course I want to live.

Then give yourself a chance, man.

Here.

This is the jungle, Pack.

It is kill or be killed.

Eat or be eaten.

No, no, no!

Don't you want to survive?

- I want to survive.
- Cross that bridge.

You hear that sound?

That's your mama's dinner bell ringing.

Ding, ding. Ding, ding.

My mama doesn't have a dinner bell.

Well, would you look at this shelter?!

And the tarp fits perfectly!

See, we could make a life here.

That's what's important.

He's right.

I mean, look at what we've built.

Who cares about what's his name?

Steve, Steve!

That's the spirit.

Oh!

Come on, everyone. Get inside!

You okay, man?