Wrecked (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Tubthumping - full transcript

Previously on "Wrecked"...

It's the community pile. I saved it,

and now everyone thinks it's gone.

- What are they fighting over?
- Airline pretzels.

- The only food we have left.
- Will you marry me?

- No.
- Why not?

Because you lied to me, Todd.

And you stole the camp's stuff.

- Whatever, dude.
- Where's our stuff?!

It's all gone! I hid it.

From now on,
I'm the friggin' king of the island!



Come on, Steve. Be strong. Yeah.

"See the world," they said.

I should never have left Papakura.

Oh, dear! Aah!

Okay, Todd, can I get
that toothbrush now?

You look a little short there, Legs.

You said three nuts!

Oh, yeah, that was before tax.

Now it's four.

Come on, Todd!

My mouth tastes like a... homeless foot!

You don't like it, go find a Rite-Aid!

I think there's one, like,
a thousand miles that way.

All right, I'll get you another nut!



Of course, now there's also
my handling fee and gratuity.

So why don't you throw in that hat.

But my head is so small.
It will never fit you.

Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it.

It's getting a little chaffed.

There you go.

This is criminal.

Nah, it's within the law.

The Todd law.

Go get it!

So that's included in the extra nuts?

No.

Just look at him,
hoarding all of our stuff like that.

Todd's unleashed a lot of bad juju.

People are getting desperate.

Yeah, if we're gonna be living here,

we need some basic
rules and regulations.

I just wish there was a way to
get the stuff back from Todd.

I mean... We could bum-rush him,

take back our stuff with good,
old American force.

We can't. He's got all of
our stuff hidden somewhere

like some kind of rat.

- Danny!
- Hey, guys.

How can I be of service?

You're a cop. Can't you make Todd

give us all our stuff back with your...

Emma, are you suggesting I use
my weapon for intimidation?

Because I would never...

What the hell do you want?

For you to give up the goods, Todd.

Are you threatening me, dude?

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

Hey! Hey, police brutality!

- Danny's gonna shoot me!
- Shh!

No, no, no, no, no!

I can't believe you
would even consider that.

Civilians.

Daniel, why don't you do a stakeout?

Tail him till he leads you to the stash.

A stakeout, brilliant.
Why didn't I think of that?

I could kiss you right now.

- Do it.
- What?

- Do it. Kiss me on the mouth.
- Oh, no, thank you.

Come on. Come right on in.

That's not what I was implying.

You're not coming to
me, I'm coming to you.

- Oh, oh.
- How about this?

Is this close enough to get you enticed?

- Uh, I'm... I'm not... Ohh.
- What about this?

If you want to use your tongue,
I'm not gonna complain.

Okay, I think I'm gonna
go do the stakeout,

if you guys don't mind.

But rest assured,
Todd's gonna lead me right to the stash.

My, my, my.

Sure it hot out here, isn't it...

Daniel?

Reveal yourself!

Hello, Todd.

I applaud the effort,
but I smelled your beard sweat

from a hundred yards out.

So, what did you think?
I was just gonna slip up

and let you follow me to the stuff?

No.

Hilarious.

But I'm not showing you Jimmy Jack Corn.

Yeah. Well, we'll see about that.

We'll see, all right.

Yeah, we totally will.

Or will we not?

Maybe we won't.

So you're saying we won't?

Yeah.

God damn it, get out of my head, man!

- Whoo!
- Damn it!

You're weak in here.

Okay, Yolonzo, where is your inhaler?

Hmm?

Yolonzo, donde esta Tu inhaler?

The Todd.

He made me pay to use.

I give him two sunscreens.

It's not enough.

We are his prisoners!

No, you guys, hear me out.

What if we dug a giant pit?

And make it deep enough so
that nobody can crawl out.

We can throw Todd in there until
he gives us all of our stuff back.

- Pit justice, I like it.
- Yes, finally.

I've been trying to do
that to Todd for years.

No, no, no, no.
What you're talking about is a prison.

Yeah, Flo, face the facts.

Todd took all of our stuff,

and a giant pit is how we get it back.

I mean, come on, you guys.
People are dying here.

Que?!

Pit justice. I'm with Emma.

Mm.

You're talking about
putting a man in a hole.

That is a basic human-rights violation.

Ha! Can you guys tell she almost
minored in political science?

Oh!

Okay, for this pit,
what are we thinking?

Beach, jungle?

Who made you leader?

Well, no one is really stepping up here.

Yeah, I think we need an election.

It would be nice for someone
to set some ground rules here.

I just wish there was some
sort of natural leader,

like a lawyer or a doctor.

Turd, I am a doctor!

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah. You know what?

I nominate myself, okay?

I, Emma, nominate myself for leader.

Good, so we can turn
this majestic island

into a North Korean prison state.

I nominate myself.

Florence, come on.
Do you really want to go there?

Oh, I already went there,
and it's friggin' paradise.

That's a good platform.

Oh, electi-o-o-on!!

So, what are we thinking for this pit?

Eight feet, nine feet?

Hell, why don't we just round up to 10?

I like your style, Emma.
You don't pull punches.

The world needs more
dragon bitches like us.

I wouldn't call myself a dragon bitch.
Maybe...

And I'd love to be a
part of your campaign.

Put that black-market
bastard in this hole!

Okay. Uh, well, I can use
all the help I could get.

So welcome aboard.

Now let's cut the shit and get to work.

The election's tonight,
and your hippy-dippy friend

over there is already glad-handing.

It's campaigning time.

Hi. Emma. Can I count
on your vote tonight?

I'm gonna hold you to it.
Gonna hold you to it.

We're family. And family's got to hug.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Flo is the way to go.

Finally! Someone who understands
the value of the pit.

Oh, yeah.
I can't wait to get Todd in that pit.

- Yeah.
- Start torturing him.

Uh, no.

We're not torturing anyone here.

Oh, right.

We're not torturing anyone here.

We're gonna Guantanamo it. That's smart.

No, still not what I'm saying.

No, no, no, I get what you're saying.

I read you five-by-five.
No torture here whatsoever!

- Yes.
- Wink.

Emma wants to throw Todd in a
prison for taking our stuff.

But isn't having the
stuff the real prison?

If you don't vote for Emma,
you can go yourself.

All right, Margaret, see you tonight.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...

Ahh. You're not gonna wait me out, pal.

I'm not going back to the stuff.

At some point, you're gonna need
food or water or toilet paper.

Oh, will I?

'Cause you happen to
be talking to the guy

that used to shit his pants for laughs.

That's right.

In my fraternity, my
nickname was Streaks.

Pbht!

Right. Jess told me you
guys met at some frat party.

Did she now?

You guys were together since college.

That's a pretty long time.

I see what you're doing.

Get me talking about Jess
and her perfect ta-tas

so I break down and cry and shit.

Well, good luck, pal,
'cause I'm a Goddamn rock.

And it wasn't some frat party.

Oh, yeah?

It was the fraternity party of the year.

Me and the other boys of Beta Gamma Phi

were having our annual
Cowboys and Indians party,

the most legendary party on campus.

I was in the keg corner,
crushing a stand.

Oh, yeah!

I am a god!

54 seconds... new fraternity record.

Whoo!

That's when I saw her.

Hey. Hey.

You heard of me?

No.

Yeah, right.

And she was the only girl

that wouldn't take any of my guff.

I like your costume.

Hey, thanks.

I'm the wrong Indian.

Cute.

- You a freshman?
- Yeah, just turned 18.

You a senior?

Fifth year.

Cool.

Later that night, we banged.

Tale as old as time.

Yeah. We hooked up for,
like, two years after that.

Been officially together for seven.

Well, we were.

Hey, it's not too late to get Jess back.

You just got to show
us where the stuff is.

No! I know what you're doing,
playing your mind games.

Well, you can eat a butt and go to hell.

You know what? This ends right now.

We're gonna settle this
the fraternity way...

Like gentlemen.

Classic drink-off.

You win, I give you back all the stuff.

I win...

you leave me alone and I get your gun.

That's right, your baby.

Come on, Danny boy.
You want to be a hero, don't you?

What do you say?

Let's have a little drinky, drinky.

I did a little informal polling.

Okay.

There's about a dozen
people who are pro-pit.

You'll definitely get those votes.

Okay, great.

But Florence has about double that.

Wait, how?

Well, she doesn't offer any solutions,

but people like her,
and the voters find you,

well, smug and condescending.

Condescending? Really?
They find me condescending?

Idiots.

This is why Hillary struggles.

You know, people are afraid

of a smart, strong, independent woman.

Yeah, I hear you, sister.

You, me, Hillary, we're all the same.

It's like looking in a friggin' mirror.

Okay, you know what?
Florence isn't even saying anything.

You know, she's all just like...

"One world, one love."

I can't lose.

Okay, I don't lose,
especially not to Florence.

Well, I hate to tell you,

you're probably gonna have to pander.

Dumb it down a little.

No, I'm not gonna dumb it down.

What if we got a Nader?

You know, like some
wild-card third party

that could split up the old idiot vote.

Yes! A likable dummy.

- Mm-hmm.
- But who?

You know,
I've always been a hit with the birds.

Oh! Oh, I guess Polly wants a ginger!

Hi, Emma!

What if it was Steve?

Yep, that's what that look was for.

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hey. I don't know about you,

but this food's getting a bit "boaring."

I acknowledge your pun.

Look, Steve, there's something

I'd like to talk to you about.

Okay.

I think you should
run for island leader.

Oh! That's rich, Karen.

Thanks for the chortle.

Steve, do I look like I'm joking?

No.

But me?

Run against Florence and Emma?

People don't listen to me.

These people would.
Everyone here likes you.

You have a very nonthreatening face.

Well, thank you. It's almost kind.

I don't know.

I've never been in a position of power.

The way I see it, people think of me

as some kind of a joke, you know?

Steve, here, we could be different.

What do you want to be?

The rules are simple.

First one to pass out,
shit their pants, or puke loses.

We got shot for shot.

Shot for shot?

Shot for shot!

All right, then shut
up, and let's drink!

So it begins.

Before we begin tonight,

I would like to announce
that we have a new candidate.

Steve!

Yeah!

- Steve!
- Thank you.

Yeah!

Hello, Wembley! Two, two... is this on?

It's not really a microphone,
just a bit of mime there.

Nice.

Oh! That's good!

That was great.

- The first one is hard.
- I'm cool, man.

I'm cool as a fan right now.

I grew up on this stuff.

My housekeeper was Mexican.
Her name was Carlita.

She used to make it in a mop bucket.

Yeah, well, my dad worked in finance,
80 hours a week.

And he had a smoking-hot secretary,

so, yeah, my mom had a full bar.

Missy, you don't want to
throw someone in the pit,

then how do you want to deal with crime?

Through rehabilitation,
not incarceration.

So, what are you saying?

I'm not saying anything.
I'm just trying to listen.

I guess I never thought
of it like that before.

What is that, eight?

I'm not even feeling it!

- Did you shit yourself?
- I haven't shit myself yet.

- Right out of the bottle.
- All right.

Shot for shot.

Welcome to the wonderful
world of herpes.

I already have 'em.

Oh, what's that? You want another shot?

Yes, please.

Ooh!

Are you into Phish?

Yeah. Me too.

Emma, is there a limit to how long Todd

will have to stay in the pit and,
if so, will you reconsider?

If I could call upon my medical
training for an analogy...

uh, Todd's gonorrhea,
and we got to stop the burning.

Whoa!

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

I thought you were down,
and you're back up, man!

You know what?

You're cool, man. You're a cool guy.

You're a cool guy, man.

I got a nickname for you.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Chumbawamba.

I love it, man.

But... but also, like... why?

Because you get knocked down, then...

you always get back up again.

That's like the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me, man.

You don't have a lot of friends,
do you, Chumba?

I do, but I just don't know if,
like, they're friends

with me because of me
or because of my money.

What, are you a billionaire?

Yeah.

I'm a billionaire.

I'm a billionaire, man.

I'm trying to make a
billionaire shit his pants!

I'm voting for Emma mainly because she's

the only one that wants
to throw Todd into a hole.

Well, my vote's for Steve.
The guy's voice cracks me up.

He's all like...

"Oh, cup of tea."

And I like the idea of the pit,
but a lady as a leader?

Not in my America.

My vote is for Florence

because she's the only one
who actually calls me Kurt.

Oh, just hand me the ballot, Turdhole!

I don't know why you people
keep saying shit out loud.

Sorry. Sorry.

♪ 'Cause you're my
little baby bird ♪

That's all I have.

You lose, lightweight.

Streaks!

Ah.

Ahh.

Worth the wait.

As a notary public from
the great state of Ohio,

I have counted all the votes.

And the new leader of the island is...

Steve!

What?

- Oh, wow!
- Who's a winner?!

Yeah, okay, so, no, sorry.

I demand a recount.

Oh, no, honey, he won.

You don't think we saw
you two running around,

throwing shade?

You crazy bitches did not help yourself.

Are you people kidding me?

I mean, I am a doctor!

I'm the only doctor on the island.

This is just some likeable dummy!

I mean, he wouldn't even be
running if it wasn't for me.

Hold on. You asked him to run?

- What?
- Oh, no, no.

Actually, it was Karen.

- Oh. Why?
- Thank you.

Uh...

Because...

Ah, screw this!

Because Emma and me wanted
to split the idiot vote.

There, I said it!

And if you didn't vote for Emma,
then you're a moron!

That's the truth.

You'd rather cheat than lose to me?

No, Florence. You're right.

I am a moron... for being
friends with you for this long.

Florence...

You're gonna love San Francisco...

if you ever make it there.

Yeah, well...

I'm sure you will like it,
'cause you're a snooty bitch!

- What?
- I hope you choke on sourdough.

- Yep.
- She's a celiac!

Feed her bread whenever you want!

Okay. It's a digestive issue.

What's up, losers? What's all this?

I think you mean what's all this?

- God damn.
- Whoa.

Todd's stash, I found it.

Chalk that up to classic police work.

Captain Danny solves the crime...

every time.

What the hell, Chumba?!

You were down for the count.

Yeah, well, here's a funny story.

You lose, lightweight.

The only people that drink
more than frat guys...

Worth the wait.

Are the super lonely...

which I am.

Well...

You forgot I still have the gun!

What?! Yeah!

Good luck firing that gun...

without any of these.

Oh, the bullets. No.

Yep.

Damn it, damn it!

You think I was gonna keep a loaded gun

next to my dick and balls?

Yeah, balls!

Whatever. You guys had
crappy stuff anyway.

What's up, Jess?

What are we gonna do about you?

Oh, look who's Mr. Tough Guy now.

You guys elected him?

He's the biggest joke on the island!

Let's dig that pit!

Uh, we got the stuff.
We don't need a pit.

I think we do.

We can't have a society without
"lawr" and order.

"Lawr."

And this guy's got to do his time.

So I say...

Throw him in the pit!

You can't do that.

Sure I can.

It's within the law.

The Steve law.

Grab him!

Grab who? Hey, no, come on!

- Let's go.
- Get off of me! Let me go!

Okay, okay, you got me.
You got me. You got me.

- Squeeze him.
- [Bleep] you.

Nigel, you weren't tight enough.

This is effed up!
I'm talking about this and this!

I swear, your sex swing, Danny?

Why did you pack this, man?

Oh, God, I bet it's got
your butt juice all over it!

Doesn't it, you freak?!

I hope you're all rock hard.

I shit myself.