Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yes!

Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show where we attempt
to separate the factual

from the phoney.

I'm Chrissie Swan
and joining me are two teams

who will take turns telling stories.

It's up to the opposing team

to determine whether the story
is true or a lie.

The team
with the most correct guesses wins.



Captaining our first team tonight,

from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser, it's Chris Taylor.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Chris's first teammate is best known

as one of the Real Housewives
of Melbourne,

but she's also a barrister.

So tonight,
to make her feel more comfortable,

I've allowed her to address me
as Your Honour.

It's Gina Liano.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

And a comedian whose Wikipedia page
is often vandalised with false facts.

He has just celebrated
his 116th birthday.

Please welcome Lloyd Langford.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

And captaining our second team
tonight, it's comedian Frank Woodley.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)



Joining Frank is an actor

who has competed
in the gruelling Hawaiian Ironman,

which, as I understand it,

involves swimming, cycling

and watching all eight seasons
of 'Magnum P.I.'

It's Dan MacPherson.
It's the shirt, right?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Also on Frank's team is a comedian

and co-host of
'The Great Australian Bake Off'.

She's the icing on our cake.

It is Claire Hooper.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Thanks, Chrissie.

Alright, let's play.

First up is Home Truths,

where our panellists
will each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

The card will contain either a truth
from the panellist's real life

or something we just made up.

But they won't know
until they read it aloud.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the facts from the fabrications.

Lloyd, you're up first.

I've stolen the street sign from
every street that I've lived on.

(LAUGHTER)

That story is going to be
less interesting

if we discover you've only
ever lived on one street,

but we're going to assume it's...

How many street signs
have you stolen?

Um, I think I've got,
like, seven or eight.

Next question.
Name of those streets? Quick.

Yeah.
OK.

You want me to name them?

(LAUGHTER)

GINA: Yes.
Um...

The, uh, street that I grew up on,

um, the, um, council estates
are all named after, um, composers,

famous composers.

So, uh, that's, uh, Elgar Avenue.

Then I went to university.

First year of university, I lived,
um, in, uh, halls of residence.

Uh, so on campus.
Hang on. If I can just stop you.

I don't want you to...
Don't tell me the whole...

Don't tell me the whole backstory

and give you time
to think of the street name.

I want all of the 7 or 8 street
names, one after the other, now.

OK, so that was Cryfield,
the halls of residence.

Next!
I stole the sign.

Without any other information,
just the names of the streets,

I want them...just the names of
the streets in order quickly now.

Elgar Avenue, Cryfield,
Brunswick Road, Llewellyn Road,

Little Ealing Lane,
Cumberland Road, Passfield Street.

CLAIRE: OK.
OK.

CHRIS: That's very good,
Alright.

(APPLAUSE)
CLAIRE: Lloyd...

Have you, uh, have you found
that different tools are needed

to take a sign off in Australia
compared to the UK?

I mean, I love this country,

but, um, the street signs
are, um, far inferior.

(LAUGHS)
CHRIS: Gee!

Uh, you can actually,
um, get like a can opener

and just cut the metal and just...
and...and just take it off.

A can opener like...
like that sort of thing?

Or just one
that just goes like this?

You seemed to go like that then.

You...

What you do is,
you get...you get a file

and you make a little notch
near the end of the sign

and then you can put
the can opener in and just...

The turning one?
Yeah.

So you've shimmied up the pole.

You were able to hold on
just with your...the power...

He has got magnificent thighs.
He does, yes.

I mean,
if I'm completely honest with you,

I'm...I'm holding on to the pole
just with my bum cheeks.

So you go...

And then over my shoulder...
Splinters?

They cut up...

Right. Now I believe it.
I mean, until then...

Sold.
Yeah.

You...you...you...you can't...you
can't really shimmy up the pole.

You needed something,
a ladder or something, to stand on

to get to the requisite height.

Is it a lot of planning
that goes into this?

I mean, it's a crime.

I think we all understand
that it's not...

It's not. It's a...it's a hobby.

(APPLAUSE)
Well, I'm thinking...

That's a good defence.
I'll remember that one.

I think it might be vandalism.

People...people...
people collect stuff.

GINA: And theft.

Do you stand on your back verandah
and you go, "Tonight's the night"?

I get urges.
Yeah.

FRANK: Wow.
CHRISSIE: What do you think, guys?

Truth or a lie?
What do you think, Dan?

I've stolen lot of street signs
in my life, actually.

You have?
Does the can opener check out?

The London ones are bolted hard
into the black poles on the road.

You know? That's hard to get off.
Yeah. Yeah.

You were very vague
about the instruments.

Name one instrument
to get off a London sign.

To get off a London sign
you need, um...

Well, you need a chisel, you need a
set of different, um, screwdrivers.

Flathead screwdrivers, usually.
Nah. Nah.

DAN: Lie.
Spanner, right? Obviously a spanner.

Yeah. OK, based on that, it's a lie.
CHRISSIE: Oh.

There you go.
They think it's a lie, Lloyd.

FRANK: We felt it, didn't we?
We all felt it.

You got the wrong tools.
I wanted it to be true!

You just had to say spanner!
Yeah.

Lloyd Langford,
was that a truth or a lie?

It was obviously a lie.
(CHIMING)

(APPLAUSE)
I believed it.

I believed it but it was a lie.

Alright, Frank, you are up.
Oh, I'm up. OK. Um...

I once...ended up in the wrong room
and spent two hours

learning about the symptoms
of early menopause.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, Chris's team.

Which room were you meant to be in?

(LAUGHS)

I was meant to be in the room, um,
that was like a birthing class.

Obviously, there was...
there was two rooms

and I...I...when I was expecting
my wife to arrive soon

and, um, I went in first and
there were a few other women there,

I thought, "Gee, um, they..."

I assumed - this might sound rude -
I assumed they're the nannas.

They weren't young
and they weren't pregnant.

They weren't pregnant.

And you spent two hours in this room

before you twigged
you might be in the wrong place?

No, I twigged very early on.
(LLOYD LAUGHS)

But I...I was...I was basically
stuck in this situation

and one of the women
quite early on started crying

and telling stories about the fact
that her husband

had really not listened to her
for 20 years

and that now she was going through
all these difficult experiences

and she had no-one to turn to

and there were all these
beautiful women there

and she started,
like, crying and sobbing

and I would have had to go on...

"Yeah, I know what you're on about
there, but I've gotta...

"Excuse me. I'm just gonna...
Do you mind if I..."

And I just couldn't...

So out of a sense of tact
or a sense of courtesy,

you thought, rather than go
to the room I'm meant to be in,

I'll stay here, even though this
woman's got a huge support group

all ready to look after her,
she also needs me as well,

a man who knows nothing
about her situation?

I know you're going to find
this quite difficult to believe,

but my wife,
she thinks about other people...

Like, it's almost a sickness.

She's so generous
and so kind-hearted.

And I sent her a text,

and I said, "I'm going to be
about 10 minutes late.

"Um, I'm in...
I went to the menopause class

"and I can't come out now
'cause there's a woman crying."

CHRISSIE: Yeah.

And she sent a text back
to me saying,

"Do not upset those women.

"Do not come out until it feels
like you're not going to be rude."

And I just went, "OK. OK."
I didn't want to upset...

I can't believe
that these women never said,

"What are you doing in here?"

Because, you know,
for a pregnancy class,

there are men and women.

In a menopause class,
with you and your face...

(LAUGHTER)

How long did the stories go on for?

It went for two hours.
I was in there for two hours.

I got so into it,
I told a story at one point.

(LAUGHS)

There was...there was one woman
who talked about getting super horny

and I didn't want
to move at that point

because they might all jump at me.

Um, there was a woman
who talked about being vague,

a bit like, you know, the pregnancy,
um, what do they call that?

Just baby brain.
Similar thing to baby brain.

A lot of stuff
about having trouble sleeping

and quite a bit about just having
like a really dry muff. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Not sure if they used that word.

Um...

(LAUGHS)

So what I want to know is, were you
engaged in what was going on,

or did you kind of
mentally disassociate?

I think I can sum it up
in one word - riveting.

I...I really did learn
a great...a great deal,

and mainly that no two women's
experience is the same.

How did you get out eventually?

The class ended.
(LAUGHTER)

Did you ever learn anything
about birthing?

I wouldn't have a clue.

Alright. What do you think, guys?
Alright.

Truth or lie?

I think it's a load
of complete rubbish.

I think it's true.
You think it's true?

I think the two hours might be
a bit of an exaggeration,

but I think he went
into a perimenopausal class

and couldn't exit
for the reasons he said.

Am I the only doubter?
Well, I don't think it's true.

But I want it to be.
CHRISSIE: Yeah.

You're not alone there.
So I'm gonna say I'm gonna say true.

I think I've never heard a
bigger load of bullshit in my life.

I'll go with my team reluctantly
and we're going to say true.

Alright. Frank Woodley,
is that a truth or a lie?

Well, it is, in fact, a lie.
(CHIMING)

(APPLAUSE)

But to be fair,
I did start to believe it.

Very well done.
CHRISSIE: So brilliant.

It is a lie. Frank didn't spend two
hours learning about early menopause.

Of course, early menopause
is no laughing matter,

and if anyone says differently,

come and say it to my face, why don't
you, because I will...fight you.

Don't go away.

We'll be back after the break
with more Would I Lie To You?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

We are in the middle of Home Truths.

Next up is you, Chris.
Ah.

I regularly participate
in a medieval re-enactment society.

Oh! Perfection.
It's true. I can feel it.

No more questions. Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)

Alright, describe
the garments you wear.

DAN: In detail.
(LAUGHS)

There's a lot of armour,
as you might imagine.

Uh, we re-create battles, um, so...

Yeah, it's sort of
real...chain mail.

Um, the classic...
Helmet.

..helmet steel. Thank you.

(LAUGHS)

Uh...you might wear...

..chain mail, breastplate,
and then your sort of coat of arms.

So you have chain mail
and a breastplate,

which is more like what I think
of like what Romans wore.

No, that checks out.
It checks out? OK. That's good.

You're...you're dressed as a knight.

What kind of battle
would then take place?

A medieval battle, generally.
Uh... (CHUCKLES)

But what...what sort of choreography
would happen?

We vary it. So... We sometimes
have horses. So there'd be, um...

You know, like, um...
DAN: We know what horses are.

Jousting.
Jousting?

Jousting! Thank you.

Um...

Where two of us
would be astride a horse

and we'd charge each other
with a big lance.

That sounds terribly dangerous,
charging at each other...

CHRISSIE: Yes! It does!
..with a big lance on a horse.

We don't use the actual...
the same jousting sort of poles

that they would have
in medieval time.

They're sort of slightly blunted.
It's a...it's a pool noodle.

Yeah. (LAUGHS) It's...

Does that check out?
No.

DAN: No.
No. No, I'm not that nerd.

I... Sorry, I know the clothes,
but, um...

Um, I'm interested just to know
with the horses.

Do you have your own horse? Do you...
How do you come across a horse?

No, we hire horses.
You hire horses in?

We do it like four times a year and
they bring...they bring horses in.

Right.
I happen to know...

A friend of mine does
similar things to these

and he's got a little move
that he does with his visor

that he's told me
that everybody who does it...

Like, it's a very common visor move
that people do.

What I do to lift is just...pfft!

OK.

And then if you want it to go down,
you don't actually bring it down.

This is maybe
what you're referring to.

It's just a...

And then it naturally falls.

Oh, it's... It's so close.
(LAUGHTER)

Because he said like similar to, you
know, when people wear glasses...

Yeah?

..if you just get the right tilt,
that thing where you can go...

Oh, you just do... Yeah.
..like that.

Well, he said they just sit it there
and when they're about to head out,

they go...they go,
"Watch me win this tournament."

CHRISSIE: Yes!
And they head out.

It's a very common...
It doesn't need...manipulation.

Yeah. I mean,
you probably would do it...

I give it a little touch at the back
of my head. But, yeah, absolutely.

We all do that.
It's sounding very convincing.

Or is it?
Is it a truth or a lie, Team Frank?

It's a delightful story.
It is.

DAN: As old as time...
If it is true...

..I shall surely be hunting down
your next tournament, sir,

and I will wave my handkerchief
as you gallop into battle...

..sorry, trot into battle.

Um, but I think it's a lie.
Yeah.

DAN: Uh...
He's passionate.

I own horses. I'm interested
in the thoroughbred world.

I don't know anyone that's
gonna give these guys a horse.

Yeah, I think the horse...

The whole horse thing is just
a little bit too dubious for me.

Did I mention
it's a pantomime horse?

(LAUGHTER)

Two other members of the society
dress up inside the suit.

No, you didn't mention that.

Based on our, like,
you know, our horse doubts,

I think we're gonna say
that it's a lie.

It's a lie? Alright, Chris,
is it a truth or a lie?

People have always doubted the story
of King Arthur

and probably with good reason

'cause my story too
is an absolute lie.

(CHIMING)
CHRISSIE: Oh, but...

What a gallant effort.

DAN: Very well done.
Well done.

It is a lie.

Chris doesn't regularly attend
a medieval re-enactment society.

Claire Hooper, it is your turn.
(CLAIRE GASPS)

(DAN GIGGLES)

I chose my obstetrician solely on
the fact he delivers baby gorillas.

(AUDIENCE TITTERS)

(LAUGHS)

CHRISSIE: Alright, Chris's team.

Does he only deliver baby gorillas?

Yeah, I had to promise
to have a very hairy baby.

No. He... No. No. No.

He does that on the side?

Um, yes.
I don't think it's through the side.

(LAUGHTER)

We haven't seen how he does it.

Uh...yeah...
No, no, absolutely not...

No. Obstetrician...for...

A people obstetrician.

But, um, somebody's gotta
deliver the gorilla babies.

So...
What about a vet?

Gorilla's anatomy...

I mean, I don't know what yours
looks like, but, um...

A gorilla's anatomy is more similar
to a human's than, you know,

the, you know, the cows and sheep
you train on as a vet.

Were you concerned
that he might get a diary clash...

(DAN LAUGHS)

Your...your waters break and he
says, "Look, I should be with you,

"but, um, Coco's breaching."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

CHRISSIE: Good point.

I mean, he did, um...

When I had my second child,
he did, um, tell me

that he had tickets
to the caravan and camping show

on my daughter's due date and if I
could wait a day, that'd be great.

And I did. So...

Was there anything
about the delivery

that you thought,
"Gee, he's been around gorillas"?

Well, he brought a lot of bananas.
No, he...

Did he shake all four of your hands?
(LAUGHS)

(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)

He didn't shake any of them, Frank.
He was shaking something else.

He was very good, actually.

When it was all over, he was
still down the business end,

looked up, made eye contact,
then he went,

"Some women are tempted to get a
mirror and have a look down there."

And then he just went...

..and walked out.

(LAUGHTER)

And I think the thing
that backs that up

is that the gorillas are
one of the only primate

that actually recognise
themselves in a mirror.

CHRISSIE: Mmm.

I don't think I would have
recognised myself in a mirror.

Well, it's... I mean,
what are you thinking, Gina?

I think it might be plausible.
I know... This was Melbourne.

Yeah.
Melbourne Zoo does have gorillas.

My question really is,

is that the only reason
why you chose that obstetrician?

Yeah, I was... It's like...

Basically, it's like getting David
Attenborough as your obstetrician.

Who wouldn't?

Even for the story,
it's just sort of he's fun,

he's obviously very careful
'cause he's never killed a gorilla,

therefore there's a reasonable
chance he won't kill my children.

I just had a baby and, um...
Well, my partner did.

And I can tell you 100%

our obstetrician has also
never killed a gorilla.

(LAUGHTER)
Right.

That's actually why we chose him.
Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

I think true. You're sceptical?
Mmm. We'll say true.

LLOYD: I think it's true.
So, yeah, we're gonna say true.

Claire Hooper,
is that a truth or a lie?

It is true.

(CHIMING)

(APPLAUSE)

CHRISSIE: I love it!

It's true!

Claire chose her obstetrician
because he delivers baby gorillas.

It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

Our next round is called
This Is My...,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Frank's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's then up to Chris's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please, put your hands together
for this week's special guest, Liam.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you for coming, Liam.

Dan, who is Liam to you?

This is Liam.

And we actually play
'Call of Duty' together

and we hate each other's guts.

(LAUGHTER)

CHRISSIE: Alright, Claire,
who is Liam to you?

This is Liam.

He is the only member
of my book group

that is not a woman in their 40s.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

(CHRIS LAUGHS)

OK, Frank, who is Liam to you?

This is Liam and I once, uh, slapped
him across the back of his head

in front of his mum.

(LAUGHTER)
CHRISSIE: So there we have it.

Is Liam Dan's online enemy,
Claire's baby book grouper

or Frank's whacked whippersnapper?

Chris's team?
We'll start with Dan.

Um, 'Call of Duty', now for
those of us who aren't gamers,

that's a video game?

It is a video game, yeah.

It's, uh...uh...uh, World War II
shooting 'em up warfare.

Lots of bloodshed and warfare.

And do you play it in the same room

or could Liam be
in a completely different city

and you still play the game?

You play virtually.

And this is, in fact, the first time
I've ever laid eyes on Liam.

You said that you hate
each other's guts.

Yeah.

So how do you feel now to be
in such close physical...

If you weren't here,
I would stand up and choke him out.

(LAUGHTER)

CHRIS: What, uh...
CHRISSIE: Poor Liam.

Relax, bro.

What name does Liam go by
in the game?

Does he have an avatar or...
Yeah. It is...

CHRISSIE: Call name.
..Big L Dawg...

D-A-W-G.

..two thousand...
Big L Dawg?

Yep. 2007.
And what's your name?

Bastard Executioner 1980.

And what...
(CHRISSIE SPLUTTERS)

When...when did you...
A grown man!

Bastard Executioner?

It's how I relax.
Love it.

2007. So does that mean
Liam is 14 years old?

Yeah.

So I'm really not happy
with this relationship.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

CHRISSIE: Why? What's wrong?

You're basically talking dirty to
and then threatening a child?

(LAUGHS)

It's a game. It's just a game.

Presumably you play lots of people
in this game.

Yeah.
But is he your main nemesis?

(LAUGHS) I mean, I've got a couple.

But, yeah, we ended up playing
sort of the same time

and then we sort of would chat

and then we would use each other
to get through to certain levels,

but then he would often turn on me.

Classic L Dawg move. Yeah.
L Dawg.

Exactly.
Yeah.

And you trash-talk each other?
Yeah.

Then I realised he's 14, I was,
"Ooh." So I pulled it back a bit.

And did you...
When did you find out he was 14?

When the police were involved.
Just now.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Are we ready to move on to Claire?
I think so.

And Claire's connection with Liam?
I think so.

Liam is the only member
of my book group

that isn't a woman in their 40s.

Are you sure?

I mean, his username
was Woman in 40s 19...76.

And how often do you get together
in your book club?

Well, it hasn't been a good
few years for book clubs,

but, yeah, as often as we can.

Like, the idea was every two months,

but, you know, like, it's...it's...

..it's as regular
as book clubs can be.

And did he come alone to these book
clubs or was he... How did he...

No, no. No. Sorry, he comes with...
His mum is a member of the club.

PANELLISTS: Ahhh!

So, she... I mean,
she was kinda starting it.

I know her through a friend.
So her friend invited me.

So it was at Alexis's house
the first time

and this is Alexis's stepson Liam

and she just made her son
come down and join the group

and it was a joke at first, but now
he comes whenever we have it...

..like, at whoever's house.

And he's a big Liane Moriarty fan
now, so...winning.

Massive. Massive.

When he talks about the books, what
kind of contributions does he make?

Yeah, well,
he basically eats the biscuits

and then he plays on the iPad,
but he's in the club

and the important thing is we have
gender and age diversity, OK?

Is it reaching the point - I'm not
sure how old your children are -

where you're thinking, "Well,
maybe Liam might want a friend?

"Maybe we should all be bringing
our children to this book club."

That sounds awful.

But...sure. I guess...
I guess we'll consider it.

Alright. Do you want
to move on to Frank?

I would like to move on to Frank.

Just remind us what Liam is to you.

Well, Liam is, um...

..is...is a person who I slapped
in the back of the head

in front of his mother.

And I'm...I'm just terribly sorry.
Like, I do regret it.

In many ways, this is my opportunity
to apologise to Liam

for a very inappropriate moment.

Paint the picture.
How did you come to slap Liam?

I didn't hit him...
I didn't hit him with my hand.

I actually hit him with a glove.

Um...with like a...
Challenging him to a duel?

I was doing a re-enactment.
Re-enactment, yes.

Um, well, I was in a...um,
Shakespearean play at the time.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry, Frank!

CHRIS: Well, and, um, I think
this story falls down immediately.

No-one believes anyone would cast
Frank in a Shakespeare play.

What was the play?
Who were you playing?

The play was 'Twelfth Night'.

Is that how you say it?
Twelfth-th? Twe-lf-th.

I'm not sure if it was 'Twelfth
Night' or 'Twe-lf-th Night'.

Right.
It was twelfth for the night.

How'd you go with the rest
of the lines in the play?

Even the title tripped you up.
(LAUGHTER)

I played the part of, um...

The...the, um, glove salesman.

(LAUGHTER)

No, my...my, uh, character's name
was Andrew.

(LAUGHTER)

I think we don't need to ask him
any more questions.

No further questioning?
Oh, no, I've got more questions.

So, what...what...what play... What
part was Liam playing in the play?

Well, actually, Liam wasn't...wasn't
in the play. He was in the audience.

You've abused an audience member?
I have.

What happened was, he was...

It was the start of the second half

and, um, he came in late

with his, uh, I think it was his
brother and his mother came in.

They were doing the classic...

Like, it must have been
very embarrassing for them

because they were in the front row
and they were late

and they were doing the kind of,
"If I do this, nobody will notice."

But, by far, the most compelling
thing in the room at that point

was these three creeping people,
you know?

And he came in and it just
so happened that, um, the guy...

..the character
I was playing against,

he's called Uncle Toblerone
or something, and...

(LAUGHS)

..my line in the play was,

"I saw her as well
as I see you now!"

Like that. And...

(LAUGHS)

And I would always go,
"As well as I see you now!"

And I'd hit him across the chest
with a glove.

But Liam was creeping in
at that point.

I see.

And I just,
in the spontaneous moment,

I went, "Oh, yes, I saw her
as well as I see you now!"

And I just slapped him
across the back of the head.

(APPLAUSE)

It gets worse, though.
Oh, no.

It gets worse
because the whole audience went,

"Oh, wasn't that lovely?"

And then but I realised, as I hit
him, I knocked his glasses off.

(CHRISSIE GASPS)
So I hit him with the...

I thought, "This will be funny.
Nobody will mind if I, you know..."

And a whack!
And it was, "I see you now!"

And his glasses went off.

And then I saw Liam starting
to, like, look for his glasses.

Which it would've helped
if you wore them today, Liam.

(LAUGHTER)

(DAN LAUGHS)

Can you...

Oh, Liam, now I recognise you!

(LAUGHTER)

CHRISSIE: Well done, mate.
(APPLAUSE)

Well, that was excellent.

I want them all to be true.
We do need an answer.

We're basically
being asked to choose

between someone
who's verbally abused him online,

someone who's abused him
by making him read adult books

and someone who's literally
physically abused the poor guy.

Um...what are you thinking?
What are you feeling, Gina?

I think Dan.

I thought Dan too.
Mmm.

I thought Dan feels like a gamer.

I mean, I can't even believe
I'm entertaining Frank's,

but it's...there are details...

Yeah, I'm not familiar
with all the works of Shakespeare,

but I don't think
there's a character called Andrew

who's famous
for his big floppy gloves.

(LAUGHTER)
Right.

He feels like a very minor character
to open the second half with.

CHRISSIE: Yes.

So you think Dan?
I think Dan.

I think I'm leaning Dan too.
Are you happy with Dan?

It's Dan or Claire.

Or Frank.
(LAUGHTER)

Final answer, Chris?

We're gonna say Dan.
Going with Dan?

Alright, Liam,
please reveal your true identity.

My name is Liam and Frank slapped me
on the back of my head...

(APPLAUSE)
..in front of my mother.

MAN: Whoo!

I can't believe that.

DAN: Well done. (LAUGHS)

CLAIRE: Oh!

CHRISSIE: Fantastic.
Nobody saw that coming.

Liam is Frank's
whacked whippersnapper.

Everybody, keep your hands together
for Liam.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Wow!
CLAIRE: Wow.

Thankfully, after Liam's evening
began with 'Twelfth Night',

it finished with
'All's Well That Ends Well'.

Thank you so much, Liam.
That was amazing.

We'll be back with more Would I Lie
To You? right after the break.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

You are watching Would I Lie To You?

And it's time for our next round,
Possession,

in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.

It's up to the opposing team

to work out whether the story
is a truth or a lie.

OK, Frank,
could you look under your bench?

There's not a box tonight.
There is an item there.

Oh, gosh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

It's a floating plank.

DAN: Liam?

Place the object on the desk.
Take the sheet off it.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, now you can...
GINA: A leaf blower.

You can see that it's a leaf blower.

And what does your card say,
Frank Woodley?

Um...this is the leaf blower

that I borrowed from my neighbour
two years ago

and I'm yet to return it.

(LAUGHTER)
Sorry about that.

I also think, judging by the
looks of it, you've yet to use it.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, I use it...

I don't know how you use
a leaf blower,

but I don't rub it...
I don't rub it in the dirt.

I just hold it in my hands and turn
it on... Where do you turn it on?

GINA: See... There...
That would help if I knew where...

You turn it on somehow and use it.

Um, why haven't...

(LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES)
Oh, hang on! I found it! I found it!

I found the way.
(LAUGHTER)

Sorry.
(APPLAUSE)

I've got to be careful, don't I?
Do you know how to wear it?

Do I know how to wear...
Yeah. Show us...

What kind of question is...
Of course I know how to wear it.

Do I know how to wear it? Get out!

(LAUGHS)
Guys...

Yeah, you wear it...

You just put this onto your, um...

Um...do you put...

Oh, you just...

I just hold it, actually.

Do you?
Not sure what that strap's for.

I just hold it and just...
I just blow the...

(WHOOSHES)
It's good.

(WHOOSHES)
Why did that blow your head?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Didn't even know
that came out of there.

That's why my hair
is always looking so good.

(WHOOSHING)

Why, uh...

You look like a dog
on the way to the beach.

You know when they're out the window.
(WHOOSHING)

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

The happiest puppy.
Why haven't you...

Why haven't you got around
to returning it to the neighbour?

Oh, a shitload of leaves. Just a...
(LAUGHS)

There's not a good reason.

Like, it's just that thing
of where I borrowed it

because, um, there were a whole lot
of leaves kinda clogging up

around our, um, gate
and our front...front, um -

what do you call it? -
footpath and all around there?

I just popped around.
His name's Jonathan.

I popped around, I said, "You know,
Jonathan, any...any chance..."

'Cause I'd heard him... Oh, I'd
heard him using his leaf blower!

So I knew he had one and I said,
"You know, can I...can I borrow it?"

And he said, "Pop it back tomorrow."

I mean...
And I put it in my shed.

And I forgot all about it.

And then when this show came up,

I was looking around for things that
I could possibly use as an object

and I looked around
and I went to the shed

and I went,
"Oh, my good...goodness.

"I have never given Jonathan back
his leaf blower."

Is Jonathan...
Is Jonathan the next-door neighbour?

Um, well, the next...
Behind us, though.

But he lives close enough that he
could probably walk around and say,

"Hey, Frank,
where's my leaf blower?"

Yeah.
And he's never done that in 2 years?

Oh, no, he comes daily and I say...
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, no, he hasn't.

Is it possible he's been knocking
on the door every day

but you've always got
the leaf blower running,

can never hear a thing?

Yeah, that is... No, that's unlikely
'cause I haven't been using it.

In effect,

Jonathan is sort of afraid to come
back and ask for the leaf blower.

So you...you are basically,
between you and Jonathan,

you are the alpha male?

(LAUGHS)
I'd very much like to see Jonathan.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you blow the leaves into a pile

that you then bag and dispose of?

Or do you just blow them away
from your property

so they're far enough away and
you go, "Not my problem anymore"?

CHRISSIE: Yeah.

I don't know if you've ever used
a leaf blower,

but bags and disposal...

No, yeah, you just push it down the
street to the next person, for sure.

Leaves sometimes
don't even come into it.

It's just the idea of making
as much noise as possible

to piss off your neighbours,
isn't it?

And integrity doesn't come into it
either, does it, really?

Because you've kept the blower

and you're blowing leaves
down the street.

Well, all I can say to you
is you're...

(WHOOSHING)

(APPLAUSE)

And do you plan to return it...now?

Well, I think
this is my way of saying,

you know, Jonathan,
I've just realised I've...

..I have, in fact, got your
leaf blower and I'm terribly sorry.

I just...
I honestly forgot to bring it back

and in the morning,
I'll...I'll pop over

and I'll bring it back tomorrow.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, let's put him out of his
misery. Is it a truth or a lie?

I just don't think Frank's the kind
of person that would be that rude

to a neighbour, so...

Fuck off!

(LAUGHTER)

I am!
I think lie.

What do you think, Gina?
Yeah, probably a lie.

Probably a lie?
Mm-hm.

I think it stinks to high heaven.

(LAUGHTER)

That's three.
I think we're gonna say lie.

Frank Woodley,
is that a truth or a lie?

That was a...
(CHIMING)

It's a lie!
(APPLAUSE)

Alright, then it's time
for another break.

But before we do,
this is absolutely true.

One of our panellists was once the
ringleader of a group of BMX bandits

called the Tiger Troop.

This is gonna be interesting.
Who was it?

I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Watch more hilarious unseen stories

on 10 play on demand.

(APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

Now before the break, I told you
that one of our panellists

was the ringleader of a group of
BMX bandits called the Tiger Troop.

Who was it? It was Dan MacPherson!

Yeah!
(APPLAUSE)

Yeah! Little bad-arse.
Tiger Troop.

Yeah!

Alright, now it's time for
our final round, Quick Fire Lies.

Just a reminder, the story
on the card in front of our guests

could be completely familiar or
something they've never seen before.

We could've just made it up
to trick them.

Dan, you're first.
DAN: Oh, wow.

(LAUGHS)

I once ruined a blind date
by playing with my shellfish.

(AUDIENCE TITTERS)

CHRISSIE: OK, um...

It's been described as many things.
(LAUGHTER)

Paint the picture. Where are we?

Uh, we are at a restaurant.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh! He's not giving too much away.
No, but it's dinner.

It's...it's dinner for two people
who haven't met before.

How did you arrange the blind date?
Uh, it was a competition.

Of course.
A competition?

Yeah, it was a competition,
uh, where you could win...

..a shellfishy, seafoody dinner
with Joel from 'Neighbours'.

CHRISSIE: Ohhh!
You were the prize?

It wasn't a great competition,
let's be honest,

but, yeah, it was...you could...
you could win a date.

Did you, uh, like,
vet the applicants?

Or was it...or was it
genuinely blind?

Yeah, 'cause it does feel like
if they knew that it was you,

in order for it to be
genuinely blind,

you would have had to
gouge their eyes out.

(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
Well, I guess it was 50% blind.

Oh, yeah, blind for you. Alright.
Yeah, blind for me.

That's referred to
as a partially sighted date.

CHRISSIE: Mmm. Yeah.

Can I ask, how do you play
with the shellfish?

Well...I don't know if...
What does that actually look like?

..you've ever been on a blind date
that is going horrifically bad

and you want to lighten the mood?

So, you've got, uh...
(CHRIS LAUGHS)

..a langoustine, perhaps.

And so I picked up the shellfish
and I kinda went, "Weeeee!"

CHRISSIE: Oh, gosh.
Um...

Right, so rather than
tell amusing stories

about life on the set
of 'Neighbours'

you thought, "I know how
I'll break the ice here.

"I'll pick up the meal and wave it
in front of their face."

And say, "Weeeee!"
Weeeeee!

Weeeee!
And...and that went well?

So it turns out that the blind date
was vegan

and she...she stood up
and ran to the bathroom in tears.

And I, uh, was there
with my shellfish alone,

uh, until she returned.

And, of course,
because it's for a magazine

there was a photographer there
as well

watching the whole thing,
capturing the whole thing.

Date comes back, says,
"You know what?

"I don't want to be here.
And you know what?

"Screw it. I've got a boyfriend,
anyway," and disappears.

It seems like a slight overreaction,

especially on a sort of
artificial date where you...

It was a big shellfish.
No, I can understand that.

But to actually walk out when
it's clear there's media there,

it's, you know, she knows that it'll
be drawing attention to herself.

I didn't pick them.

Why wouldn't she just laugh
and say privately,

"Hey, don't do that again.
I'm not crazy about the shellfish"?

Why would you leave the restaurant
entirely?

And that's what has been bugging me
for 20 years.

Moreton Bay bugs!

(LAUGHS)
FRANK: Moreton Bay bugging you.

Yeah.
Exactly. So I don't know.

I don't know the answer to that,
but, um, there was no second date.

She didn't have a lisp,
by any chance?

Have a lisp?
Yeah. No, OK, that's alright.

'Cause I thought there might
have just been a misunderstanding

where she was just saying
that you were very 'shellfish'.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

That's my captain.
That's my team captain!

Don't clap that!
When we get that out of the way...

That's good.
No.

Well, I think our question time
for Dan is over.

What do you think?
Is that a truth or a lie?

Look, it...it seems far-fetched.

I'm leaning towards
that it might be true.

The fact he was in England

where they do tend to eat
langoustine more than prawn,

that...that is a good detail for me
to suggest it might be true.

What do you reckon?

Well, I wasn't focusing
on the specifics of the crustacean.

(LAUGHTER)

What were you focusing on, Lloyd?

How you could get a date
through a competition.

(LAUGHTER)

It's quite a pathetic way
to meet women, isn't it?

(CHRISSIE LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)

I'm thinking it might be true.
What do you think, Gina?

If I was cross-examining you,
I'd be saying, "Liar!

Um...you're saying lie.
I'm saying true.

I think it's true.
We're gonna say true.

Dan MacPherson,
is that story true or a lie?

That story is...

..true.
(CHIMING)

(APPLAUSE)

CHRISSIE: Well done!

Yeah, it was excruciating.

It is true.

Dan really did ruin a blind date
by playing with his shellfish.

Although his date was impressed
by the size of his muscles.

FRANK: Hey!

Lloyd Langford, you are up next.

To try and win over
the girl of my dreams,

I spontaneously broke
into a French accent.

I have just...

A preliminary question is,

had you spoken to her
before she heard the French accent?

Yes. Um...

I...I'd been speaking to her
with this accent,

um, which you might discover
is the only one I can do.

We... What happened was...

Um...I was on holiday
with...with my family

and we were in Spain and we were
staying in, like, a...a hotel.

(LAUGHS)

And, um, there were two
Swedish girls around my age

who were also staying
in the same hotel, on holiday,

and I took a shine to one of them.

Um, I don't...I don't know whether
I should say her name or not.

I guess you could bleep it out,
right?

Is that her name?
Is her first name a swear word?

Her name is Fuck and...
(LAUGHTER)

I still have a place in my heart...

(LAUGHS)

..for Kunter. And, um...

(LAUGHTER)
No. Um, her...

She was called...
She was called Therese.

And we went, me and her went up
on the roof of the hotel together.

(GASPING AND MURMURING)
Yeah.

Right.

And for some reason,

I thought I would appear
to be more sophisticated

and romantic

with a French accent.

Did you think that she would think
you were French?

No, Frank.
I was intoxicated by desire.

OK.
And Spanish lager.

I guess I thought...like, um,

French is like the...the, um,
language of love.

The French language
is the language of love,

not English spoken
in a French accent.

(LAUGHTER)

Which is I think what you did.

Or even worse,
Welsh spoken in a French accent.

Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)

I'm not... I'm...
You have to understand.

I'm not putting this forward
as a good idea.

CHRIS: No. No, you're not.
(LAUGHS)

I'm not recommending this.
I'm not showing off.

Before we even hear it in
a French accent, what did you say?

I...I... So, I said...
I mean, I was like, um...

This is so embarrassing.

I would be like...
(BAD FRENCH ACCENT) "Oh, the stars,

"they are very beautiful tonight."

(LAUGHTER)

Another question. Another question.
(LAUGHS)

Was that the French accent?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHRIS MUTTERS)
GINA: It sounded like Dracula.

Oh, my God!

To me, that sounded like
a little bit like

you'd spent a few months in India

and picked up just a little bit
of that...

That didn't sound terribly French.

I didn't want to go full French,
you know,

'cause it's, um,
cultural appropriation.

And I've got a question for you -
this Swedish girl,

where do you reckon
she was really from?

(LAUGHTER)

She had a sombrero that she...
(LAUGHTER)

..never removed
and a curly moustache.

(CHRISSIE GUFFAWS)

Alright, truth or lie?

Well, it seems
completely plausible to me.

Yeah, it feels plausible.

But the fact that
there's not even a trace

of a French accent makes me...

He never said he was good at it.
No, he never...

He also didn't say
he couldn't do it at all.

Oh, look, I mean, I believe in love
and I'm happy to go for true.

Yeah.

Look, I've done something similar,
to be fair, in my younger years.

Shall we believe in love
and say true?

We believe in love.
(GASPS)

We believe in love,
so we're gonna say it's true.

Alright, Lloyd Langford,
is that a truth or a lie?

It is true.

(CHIMING)
(APPLAUSE)

Thank you for believing in love,
Team Frank.

It's time for a break. We'll see you
soon on Would I Lie To You?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

And we are in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.

Frank, it is your turn.

Uh, when I worked
as a bicycle courier...

Ha ha! OK.

When I worked as a bicycle courier,

I once got so lost,
I had to spend the night in a cave.

(CLAIRE LAUGHS)
CHRISSIE: In a cave?

In a cave?
In a cave.

When did you work
as a bicycle courier?

Uh, when I was 18.

Did it for about, um, 18 months
from 18 and a bit of 19.

What sort of courier work
did you do?

Delivering, uh, food.

Like...like takeaway. For takeaways.

No-one delivered foods on bikes
that long ago.

It was all... Yeah, occasionally
Domino's might have had cars.

I don't recall anyone on bikes
delivering food.

Well, I do.

(LAUGHTER)

LLOYD: We... You know, we haven't
had GPS for that long

and those kind of sat navigations,

but how did you not go to an address
but a cave?

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

It's because there were...

There's basically
two Wilson Streets.

Um, one is if you go west
and one if you go east.

I initially went to the wrong one,
whereas I should have gone...

It was a completely
different street.

So the town planners
at this incredibly small town

thought it wouldn't be
confusing at all

to have two streets
called Wilson Street?

Can anybody back me up that
they've lived in a place where...

Absolutely.
..there's been two street names...

I honestly, I shit you not,
it happened to me last night.

I was going to a mate's place
in Wilson Street...

CHRIS: What?
..and I went to Brunswick East.

And he was Wilson Street
in Princes Hill.

I rest my case!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Alright, so you've gone to the wrong
Wilson Street. What happens then?

So then I realised that I've got
to take the pizza all the way,

now another 10 k ride
in the other direction.

So I rode all the way
to the other Wilson place.

And just as I was coming out
of there, my bike light died.

And I don't know
if you've ever ridden

on the Great Ocean Road at all?

Like any of those roads
along the beach...

CHRISSIE: It's very dark.

..it's just suicide to ride at night
if you haven't got a light.

I'm not gonna risk my life
for a pepperoni.

That's, you know, basically...

I thought I'll walk
down to the beach

and then I'll just walk
all the way home along the beach.

How did you get from the beach
to a cave?

So, going over one of those rocks,
slipped, broke my ankle.

If only you'd cycled home.

It was a horrible experience

and I don't know why
I'm telling people about it.

So then I had to find
somewhere to sleep.

And often like where the rocks are,
there was a little cave that...

It probably went back about,
um, I don't know, about 15 feet.

Um, so how did you, uh...
how did you get out of this pickle?

So, I slept the night there.
Was it cold, Frank?

And feeling really miserable, cold.
Very miserable.

As soon as the sun came out,
I went out onto the beach

and there were people on the beach
walking their dogs

and I just said, "Excuse me. I think
I might have broken my ankle.

"Is there any chance you could
give me a lift back into town?"

You said, "Take me
to the nearest hospital,"

and he said, "Wilson Street East
or Wilson Street West?"

(APPLAUSE)

Alright, Chris's team,
what do you think? Truth or lie?

What are you thinking, Gina?

I think it could be true.
I think it might be true too.

At first I just couldn't picture
Frank on a bicycle.

(LAUGHTER)
But... But then I...

Does this help?

(LAUGHTER)

It has a ring of truth about it.

I believe him 100%.

I think we're gonna say
it might be true.

Frank Woodley,
is that a truth or a lie?

It's 100% a lie.
(CHIMING)

(APPLAUSE)
CHRISSIE: Gotcha!

Very well played.

It's a lie.

Frank didn't spend the night
in a cave.

Frank's only ever got lost once

and that was when he was told to
by a girl at a party.

I tried a French accent.

(LAUGHTER)
(BUZZER)

Oh, and that noise means
that the time is up tonight!

It's the end of the show and I can
reveal that tonight's winner is...

..Frank's team.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

But of course
it's not just a team game.

My individual player of the night
is the wonderful Lloyd Langford.

(APPLAUSE)

And that's it for Would I Lie To You?

Thank you so much for watching,
and goodnight.

(THEME MUSIC)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Captions by Red Bee Media