Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Does Dave Thornton actually perform the 'Dance of the Tongs' at barbecues? Is Celia Pacquola really unable to turn right in the shower? Find out who's telling the truth and who's fabricating facts.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?
where six celebrities fudge the facts
and fabricate falsehoods.
I'm Chrissie Swan,
and captaining
our first team tonight,
from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser, it's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alongside Chris is a comedian
whose official bio claims
he's built a global reputation,
which sounds impressive
until you realise
he's on Interpol's most wanted list.
It's Dave Thornton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And, finally,
Australia's premier drag diva,
best known as the runner-up on
'RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under',
a show whose hairspray budget alone
costs more than this entire series.
Welcome Art Simone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And captaining our second team
tonight, it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
On Frank's team tonight
is a comedian and actor
who in the sitcom 'Rosehaven'
played a real estate agent,
so she should have no trouble
lying outrageously
while keeping
a completely straight face.
It's Celia Pacquola.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And a writer and TV presenter
who was the inaugural winner
of 'Celebrity Mastermind Australia',
a fact he'll just casually drop into
conversation every chance he gets.
It's Mr Mark Humphries.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
You made me laugh, already.
Well, that's what you would expect
from the winner of
Australian 'Celebrity Mastermind'.
(LAUGHS)
We should have a little count,
a little tally
at the bottom of the screen.
Alright, first up is Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card directly
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've got no idea
what they're going to be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Dave, you're up first.
Here we go.
Whenever I used to host a barbecue -
a backyard barbecue -
I'd entertain friends with
my Dance of the Tongs...
(LAUGHS)
..until one day,
it went horribly wrong.
Yeah!
Oh, I love this. I love this.
I think Dave knows
what the first question is.
Please perform
the Dance of the Tongs.
Dance of the Tongs?
You knew this was coming.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Do you need...
Do you need some tongs?
(LAUGHTER)
To be... No, to be honest...
Do you need two?
(LAUGHTER)
You know, in a strange twist...
Thank you for the tongs.
Thank you so much. This is great.
Please don't say, "The twist is,
it doesn't involve tongs."
No, well, the weird things is,
I did air tongs,
and I know this sounds very strange,
but I play air tongs.
Before we get to see
the Dance of the Amazing Tongs,
can you tell us how it started?
Uh, I'd had a few West Coast Coolers
at a barbecue, OK.
A great beverage.
Please!
The thing was a friend of mine
was playing acoustic guitar
just at the barbecue,
just smashing away
and doing whatever.
Oh, God, don't you hate...
There's always one.
Was that air guitar or was it...?
(LAUGHS)
No, this was genuine guitar.
Real guitar.
Oh, what a shame. It was a real one.
Yeah, yeah.
And, like, someone said to me,
they go, like,
"Do you play an instrument?"
And I said,
"Yeah, yeah, the air tongs."
And they were, like,
"What are you talking about?"
And then this guy started jamming
and I was, like, "Sick,"
and I was, like...
I started doing all this and then
I just started going like this.
CHRISSIE: Yes.
And then in the big crescendo,
when the guy was strumming away,
I'd just go,
"Diddle-liddle-liddle-liddle-duh..."
"Diddle-liddle-liddle-liddle-
liddle-liddle-liddle-liddle-luh."
(LAUGHTER)
And just keep doing that.
It looks a lot like something else.
(LAUGHTER)
Although, Chris,
if you can do this...
(WHISTLES)
..you've got a detachable penis.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So, why, when you're at a barbecue,
is your instinct to choose air tongs
when there's probable actual tongs
within your reach?
Hah. Cute. Um...
(LAUGHTER)
Right?
I mean, my mate was using the tongs.
Oh, right.
And so I'm not gonna...
Like, he's got work to do.
In the story,
something went horribly wrong.
Yeah, amazingly wrong.
Horribly wrong.
Amazingly wrong?
Yeah. Well, you can read it again.
Yeah, until one day,
it went horribly wrong.
How did it go horribly wrong?
(SIGHS) Good question.
Or amazingly wrong,
which is the way you almost
remembered it correctly then,
which is a different emotion,
really -
amazingly wrong to horribly wrong -
but push on.
I've got to be honest,
I cannot keep a straight face
when Frank is interrogating me.
I know!
It's like a parody of a lawyer.
He's like... (BABBLES)
(LAUGHS)
It's so hard.
I just can't take it seriously.
Well, the thing was,
'cause, of course,
you're moving around, aren't you,
when you're throwing said tongs
into the air.
But they don't exist.
No, they don't exist,
but you have to chase them down.
I have to be in character.
I can't just be, like,
"Oh, they're gone now."
I have to read the air
and be, like, "I got my tongs,"
and I got 'em back.
My aren't... My eyes,
I should say, aren't on the ground.
Mm-hm.
And your aunt isn't on the ground
either, which is good.
You haven't been
to my barbecues, mate.
We don't know
the aunt's not on the ground.
Maybe that's what
went horribly wrong.
(LAUGHS)
Did you trip over your aunt?
No, no, I didn't.
Did you stab your aunt
with the tongs?
Why is everyone
workshopping my story?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
We're just trying to help.
Guys, what happened,
so, I throw it in the air.
Of course, I'm near a barbecue,
so the person who is working
the tongs, of course, ba-bang.
What do you know,
I hip-and-shoulder the guy. Bang.
And then a hand goes
onto the barbecue.
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
So, then he backed off. I'm looking
for a high five. Nothing.
And then, what do you know?
The fun just cleared off real quick.
Did he go... Did he go...
(IMITATES SIZZLING)
"Aaargh! Aaargh!"
(IMITATES SIZZLING)
(LAUGHTER)
And there were men going, "Oh, no,
I'd give it a bit more than that.
"Give that three minutes."
MARK: I want to know,
have you ever performed
the Dance of the Tongs since?
(SHAKILY) Um, thank you
for asking, Mark. Um, no.
OK.
Well, I think we need to see
the Dance of the Tongs. I think...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You're in a safe place.
So, basically, it was like I said.
Someone's strumming away
and the whole thing...
You've gotta do the whole rigmarole
where you go,
"Uh... Oh! Got some tongs.
This is nice. This is nice."
Would it help if we all clapped?
Thank you, Mark.
(ALL CLAP RHYTHMICALLY)
So, then I start...
ART: Oh, that's...
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, yes!
(CELIA LAUGHS)
(ART CHANTS) Hey!
(CLAPPING SPEEDS UP)
Aye-yay-yay-yay! Ah-dah-dah-dah!
Yeah!
Whoa!
FRANK: There he goes! There he goes!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
CHRISSIE: Is he gonna catch it?
(ALL CHEER)
Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
The Dance of the Tongs!
Wow, the ultimate sell! I love that.
Alright, Frank's team.
Dave, that's a yes from me.
(LAUGHTER)
You're going to Sydney!
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team, I think we've seen
everything we need to see.
I think I've been won over by
the whole kind of package,
so...so I want to believe.
I want to believe.
Like, I want to believe in air
tongs, so let's say that's true.
If you pulled that air tong dance
just out of your back pocket
just then,
then that's impressive.
I think he... I think he did that.
I believe that he's got the talent.
He's got the mime talent.
I think it's probably not true.
I think he can definitely do that.
Truth or lie?
Oh, so it's split?
It's split.
Yep. It's up to you.
I'm gonna say I believe it's true.
Frank says it's true. Dave?
OK, it is...
..a lie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You...
You...!
So, you're not a heartless idiot
after all?
No.
Amazing.
Alright, Frank, you are up.
Oh, OK.
Read your card.
I once spent a day posing for photos
for a medical textbook.
(LAUGHTER)
ART: Um...
Wow.
I believe that.
When was this, Frank?
Um, it was about 15 years ago.
Um, whom was the publisher?
Oh, my God.
"Whom?"
CHRIS: "Whom?"
"Whom?"
"I believe it was Simon & Schuster."
(LAUGHTER)
I've been watching 'Downton Abbey'.
Whatever.
I think it was La Trobe University
Publishing or something like that.
Were you naked?
ART: Yeah, what...
Everybody wants to know,
were you naked?
What part of your body?
I was naked. No, I was...
I was naked because, at that time,
I had, like, quite a big cyst...
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, so, it was because of
a medical anomaly?
Yes, originally, the first diagnosis
was that I had three testicles...
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIM)
..but then it turned out
that one of them was just...
Was just pus.
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIM)
CELIA: That is a tough day.
How qualified was the doctor
who thought...
Who mistook one of your cysts
for a third testicle?
Did the doctor say,
"And whom do we have here?"
(LAUGHTER)
When did you discover your cyst?
My cyst?
Yeah, when did you discover...
When did I discover it?
..that there was one extra ball
in the bag?
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
It swelled up quite quickly
and then, after five days,
I went to the doctor and he went,
"Oh, for a moment there,
I thought you had a third testicle,"
um, which is the kind of banter
that doctors get into, as I found.
Then he got qualified and said,
"Oh, no, it's not a third testicle."
We did an MRI and they were worried
it could have been something
really serious,
but then it turned out
it was just a cyst,
and he said, "Because people
often confuse this condition
"with a more serious condition
and there's not...
"We don't have a lot of opportunity
to have photographs of it,
"how would you feel about us
photographing this
"for medical records?"
When you had three, you know like
those office executive stress toys,
could you do a bit of that and have
them go back and forward like that?
That's why I didn't go for five
days, because I was stress-free...
(LAUGHTER)
..you know, with the...
So much fun!
Was it very visual? Was it lower
than the other testicles?
To me - this is just my opinion -
like, I thought from an artistic
point of view, it looked better.
(LAUGHS)
Did they ask you to shave
the area pre...?
No, they actually didn't because
that was part of the thing.
They wanted it to look...
Natural.
..more or less like
it would present itself in...
And you've seen the photos?
Oh, they're great photos.
(LAUGHS)
What do you think's
on his Christmas card this year?
(LAUGHTER)
Jingle bells!
(LAUGHTER)
I do have a copy of the book,
but it's on the bookshelf somewhere.
It's not as if
everybody who comes through,
it's on the coffee table
and I hope they flick through to...
Oh, I've just realised, I'm so glad
it wasn't a pop-up book.
(LAUGHTER)
Aah!
(LAUGHTER)
Back to the photo shoot, like...
"The photo shoot."
We didn't think of it so much
as a photo shoot. It was...
Was it a bit, like,
"OK, work it, work it"?
Or was it...
Was it sort of medical photography?
It was so similar
to medical photography
that it was medical photography.
It was medical photography.
Virtually indistinguishable
from medical photography.
And so, when medical paparazzi
take a photo of your balls...
They just jump out of the bush.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank God you hadn't shaved.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Where...where is your cyst now?
Well...
Ladies and gentlemen...
Is it here? Is it in a jar?
I would love to know.
Um, I'll tell you what we...
Do you require, by any chance...
(LAUGHTER)
The weird thing is, I do have it.
Like, I don't know if anybody
has had procedures like that...
And, like, I've got a...
I've also got a bit of cartilage
from a knee operation.
But where do you keep
the cyst today?
Yeah, where is it?
Well, I've got, like, a little box
of body pa... (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
I've got a little box
of body parts, alright...
(LAUGHS)
..that is...
Guys, guys,
he said, "Little." Chill.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
And you're waiting
for science to catch up.
We've got his knee,
we've got a testicle.
We can rebuild him.
(LAUGHTER)
I have seesawed on this.
As he's told it,
I've gone, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
And now I don't know what to think.
What do...?
Yeah, look, I'm on the line as well.
I was, like, "No,"
then I was, like, "Well, maybe a box
of body parts is fun."
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna say I hope it is a lie.
See, I'm thinking it might be true.
It probably is, to be honest.
I thought when he sort of
got into MRI territory,
there was a little bit
of authority there.
(LAUGHS) What a journey,
let's say this first and foremost.
CHRISSIE: Absolutely.
What a journey.
But the thing
that fell apart for me is
I feel that they would ask him
to shave his testicles
because they would want to see
what it's like.
But the situation in this instance
was a photograph.
They probably want it to look
as hideous as possible,
and I'm sure Frank achieved that.
I'm a natural.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll need an answer.
I am gonna go
against my team on this.
OK.
I...I think this might be true.
Alright. Frank Woodley?
Well, Chris,
I think on this occasion,
you've discovered that
you should not trust your instincts.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
What?!
That's amazing!
(LAUGHS)
It was a lie.
That's incredible!
I just... I conjured up images
of your testicles for nought.
Is any of it true?
I don't even have any testicles!
(LAUGHTER)
On that note,
it is time for a break.
We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(THEME MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Right now, we're in the middle
of Home Truths.
Celia.
Yo.
You are next...
OK.
..my love.
Okey-dokey. (GIGGLES)
I can't turn right in the shower.
Do you...do you mean in a car or...
(CACKLES)
AND do you mean the taps?
No.
You mean if you're standing
in a shower,
you can't swivel right
or rotate right.
That is correct.
Can you rotate left?
Yes. Of course.
Can you stand still?
Yes.
What inhibits you from turning right?
S...
Is it political?
Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
That's it.
Are you, like, when the water
goes down the plughole
in the Northern
and Southern Hemisphere?
Does it swap when you go to America?
Oh, yeah. She can't turn left
in the Northern Hemisphere. Like...
I can't turn right in the shower
because it feels weird.
Like, it feels weird.
I feel like something bad
will happen
if I... (LAUGHS) ..turn right.
There's not an obstacle
preventing you from turning right?
Or a soap dispenser?
No. Like that is fine.
It's just a mental thing.
Emotionally, you don't feel
a right turn is in you.
No. I feel like something bad
will happen. It feels wrong.
And I've tested it
'cause I'm not an idiot.
What do you mean you've tested it?
I've tried. I've tried many times
where I'll go, "Maybe..."
How far do you get?
That there. Then I go, "Whoa, nah."
You only get about 45 degrees.
"Whoop, no."
Why do you...
I go, "Nah."
And then you just freak out.
If I want to pick up something
there, I have to go that way.
Is it unique to the shower
or if you're dancing?
It's generally just the shower.
It's just the shower.
For as long as I can remember.
Just your shower or all showers?
My... All showers.
When you shower, are you facing
the shower head and the wall
or are you facing away
from the shower head?
Taps. Always taps.
You face taps?
Who doesn't... Is that...
Am I the only one who does that?
Everyone faces the taps, right?
No, I face out.
Do you get a face full of water?
Yeah.
I face the taps and then
if I want to turn around,
I do like a somersault.
(LAUGHS)
But that's the normal...
Have you seen anyone about this?
Not if they're over there.
(LAUGHTER)
Can you just... I don't want to
re-create anything too personal.
But can you stand up
as though you're showering?
And let's say the soap
is on your right-hand side.
How do you go about retrieving it?
It's over there?
CHRISSIE: Yeah, it's here.
So I'll try 'cause it's nuts
and I know it is,
and I go, "Just turn over there
and get it."
I get to right there and go, "Nah."
What would you do?
It feels wrong.
I would go like this.
And then I can turn right to get
back to the original spot.
Ah!
But I can't from there...
You can do a reverse right.
What?
So I can do that.
What?
So you're almost...
You can backtrack but you...
But why wouldn't you
just continue the circle then?
Doesn't. Can't.
And then you're still...
You're sticking with...
I can't. I can't.
You could keep turning.
Nah.
Is it like you've been wound up
and you're only getting back
by being unwound?
Any other little quirks like that?
Ah, I can't...
Just little dumb things
like I can't have
the power points turned on
if there's nothing plugged
into them.
That's sort of OCD stuff, isn't it?
You know those little...
I don't know where it started.
Maybe it was one of those things.
When you drive past a graveyard
and you hold your breath or button
and put your hand or something.
Don't know where it started.
Sorry, what? What was that?
You know when you drive past a
graveyard and you hold your breath?
All the ghosts will come out
and go in your mouth?
You know that?
Is this a thing?
You... I reckon,
you know what I'm thinking.
He's got a shitload
of ghosts in him.
(LAUGHS)
You messed up, buddy.
Oh, my God!
Um...
(LAUGHS)
"Have you met that Mark?" "Oh,
packed full of ghosts, that guy."
Look, it's incredibly eccentric
but what are you thinking?
The winding back around
was the bit...
I was going along with it, but then
when she wound back around,
"Look, I did turn right.
What do you know!"
If this is a neurosis
you're thinking about
and it's dawned on you on this show
that you have just turned right
to unwind what had happened,
you would no longer put a label
on it that I can't turn right.
Her explanation was that she can
sort of reverse-swing back in
but she can't start turning right.
So if she ever wants to turn right,
she always has to do a left
before she can go right,
knowing that if she goes left,
she will naturally swing back right.
That's in Victoria. But there's
a whole different rule...
(CACKLES)
..set of rules...
What do you think, Art?
Well, I've got superstitions
and weird things like that
that don't make sense, so it's...
It seemed to be something more
clinical than a superstition though.
Yeah, look, there's
a lot of layers to it.
But we're not gonna get through that.
Um...
I'm gonna say
I think it might be true.
(SIGHS) I'll go with true as well.
I think we're gonna say true.
Celia, is it true?
I mean, I think
there's gonna be, after this,
an outpouring of people
finally understanding those of us
who cannot turn right in the shower
'cause it's true.
Wow!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Can't do it.
Don't know why. You got me.
It is true. Celia really can't
turn right in the shower.
She has to turn left, go down the
hallway, do a U-ey in the kitchen.
Art, it is your turn.
(GASPS)
(TAPS NAILS)
(GASPS) Drum roll, please.
Hoo!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Whenever I throw a party,
I always make sure I invite
at least one person called Barbara.
And I bet she's the most fabulous
person in the room.
Oh, she bloody is. (LAUGHS)
Is that the end?
Yes.
Full stop.
So it's not a specific Barbara.
It's just there needs to be
someone called Barbara.
There's a quota to fill.
What?
Well, because I have
a dinner party story
about how when I was younger,
I used to call my mum's best friend
Blabla instead of Barbara.
And I just think
it's the most funniest story
when there's nothing else
to talk about.
But so you don't make sure there's
somebody there called Blabla?
No, it's Barbara, and then I go,
"You remind me, my mum's best
friend when I was little,
"um, I actually used
to call her Blabla
"'cause I couldn't say Barbara
and it was just so funny."
So you always invite
a Barbara to a party...
Always a different one.
..just to tell that anecdote.
I mean, that's tricky.
You need to be prepared
if there's dead silence.
Is that the best material you have?
No, but there's a surefire way.
And then we can talk about
Barbra Streisand, so we're sorted.
No, I can see that
the little Blabla thing
is, like, a very intimate thing from
your childhood, relaxes everybody.
I'm relatable.
You're rela... Yeah.
But it's tricky.
You've chosen basing an anecdote
on a name that's quite unusual.
Well, the thing is,
I don't have many dinner parties.
So there's probably been five.
How many Bar...
Oh. So you know five...
How many Barbaras do you know?
I've met five Barbaras.
Five?
So the Barbaras can't double up?
You'd never...
That's not fun for Barbara.
She wants to feel special,
doesn't she?
She's already heard the Blabla story.
Exactly.
She's like,
"Well, I'm just Blabla to you."
So once they're Blabla,
they're nah-nah, we go.
I don't know a single Barbara.
Really?
I've been...
I've got five I could
introduce you to.
How soon after the anecdote is
Barbara getting the... (WHISTLE)
Oh, she sticks around.
Because she feels special.
Do they?
One thing I can do as a drag queen
is make someone feel special.
I love how you feel like
you've been put on this Earth
as like a guardian angel
for Barbaras
and your job is to roam the Earth
making Barbaras feel special
for one night.
I'm glad you're putting it that way
'cause other people could say
that I'm using Barbaras
to make me look good.
To that, I say yes.
How do you harvest...
Like, how do you harvest
these Barbaras?
Like when you're in a queue...
Do you breed Barbaras?
Do you know what I mean?
Are you in a queue for a coffee
and that person behind you,
they say, "Barbara," do you go...
(LAUGHTER)
"Your coffee's on me."
(LAUGHS)
It's more of a social circumstance,
you know.
'Cause if we're out
having a beverage
and, you know, one of my friends
goes, "Have you met Barbara?"
And I go, "I'm about to."
And I save the story.
Yeah.
I save it.
Yeah!
Oh, you wouldn't wanna burn
that story.
No.
So have any of the Barbaras ever,
shock horror,
half an hour before dinner,
"I'm sorry, I can't make it"
and you're Barbaraless?
Why would you turn down me?
You wouldn't cancel on you, OK.
Never cancel on me.
Like, they open the door and you're
just there in your trackie daks
and, you know, like a singlet
and you're just no make-up
and your pink hair's
just hanging down and you're like,
"No bloody Barbara turned up."
(CACKLES)
I've got nothing.
Look, it's undeniably
very difficult to believe.
I think we can all...we can all say
that our instincts are saying...
What? No?
Nooo!
Probably not, no,
isn't, didn't happen.
But that's the very reason
why you would have chosen it
as a thing to say on this show.
MARK: Yes, I thought
the Blabla detail was interesting.
I thought that came very naturally
to you.
However, my issue is this idea
that being the Barbara is special.
I think if you were selected
for your attendance
based purely on your own name, that
is not a feeling of being special.
I believe Art has the ability
to make someone feel special,
but just the logistics is meeting
a Barbara and going, "From that,
"I'm gonna have a party
so I can tell this one story."
So truth or lie?
I don't think you need
to bring in a Barbara.
So based on that,
I think we're gonna say...
I was gonna press it.
Oh, you don't press that.
Push my button. Go on, push it!
Frank's team says it's a lie.
Oh, OK.
Um, well, I'm really sorry
to announce to the room
that, um, I was telling...
(INHALES POINTEDLY) ..a lie.
(EXCLAIMING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank God! Thank God.
Amazing, though.
You did very well.
(WHIMPERS)
I don't have parties.
I don't like people.
Don't go anywhere, we'll be back
with more Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And our next round
is called This Is My...
It's where we bring on
a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Chris's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Joy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's good to see you, Joy.
Alright, Art, who is Joy to you?
Well, this is Joy
and Joy came to my rescue when I
accidentally glued my eyelid shut.
OK. Dave, who is Joy to you?
This is Joy and she was responsible
for my first ever visit
to a brothel.
(LAUGHTER)
(CACKLING)
Alright, Chris, who is Joy to you?
Ah, this is Joy.
She yelled at me
in front of my neighbours
when I took a book
from her street library
and didn't replace it
with another one.
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHS)
All feasible. So there we have it.
Is Joy Art's gluey good Samaritan,
Dave's red-light recruiter or
Chris's screaming street librarian?
Shall we start with Arty?
Let's start with Art.
So...
If you could paint the picture
of the initial incident for us.
I was getting ready at
a venue I work at.
And I don't know if you know
this, but drag queens,
we're held together with lots
of different types of adhesives.
Um, so, you've got your eyelash glue
but then you got your wig glue and
then you've also got your superglue.
Um, so I was out of lash glue.
I was like, "Do you know what,
I'm going to use Spirit Gum,"
which is wig glue, so I used it
to glue my eyelashes on
and, ah, well, it seeped
into my eye folds
and, um, my eyes were sealed shut.
So I had to screech out and Joy
works at the venue that I work at.
She works in the kitchen.
Um, so she came and helped me.
Helped peel them open.
With a potato peeler?
Yes.
No, she has a gentle touch.
So Joy figured that she,
with her kitchen skills,
would be the right person
to do this?
Not to take you to a hospital or...
Look at Joy.
CELIA: I know. I trust...
This is the type of person
you want to help you
when your eyelids are glued shut.
So, you know,
and we have a connection
because she makes the best
homemade sausage rolls.
Did you like...
Because you've got your eyes shut,
so you go, "Joy!"
And then someone comes towards you
but you can't know that it's Joy.
No, but I could smell
the sausage rolls on her hands.
So she'd just been massaging
a meat log for a while.
You know what, I think...
Yes, Frank?
Can I... Do you mind if I do,
like, a smell test of Joy?
Well, I think...
Does Joy mind?
Blink twice for 'yes'.
(CHEERING)
Yes.
She says it's OK for you
to smell her.
(LAUGHTER)
Is there any sausage roll?
(CACKLES)
I'm picking up Cornish pasty.
Um, thank you, Joy.
Oh, fantastic.
Good on you, Joy.
Your feedback on Joy now.
Yeah, notes of...
Yeah, no lingering, um...
No meat log?
..sausage roll aroma present.
I guess it's possible
she hasn't come straight
from a shift at the bar.
She was coming on Would I Lie
To You?, she might think,
"I might wash my hands
'cause there's a chance
Frank Woodley's gonna smell them."
(LAUGHS)
Let's go over to Dave now.
Thorno, David, Dave?
So what was it?
Joy's responsible for you
going to a brothel
for the first time, was it, or...
I don't wanna repeat the line 'cause
Frank might smell her again, but...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
When Joy can talk, we're gonna
break this apart, OK, Joy.
A lot has happened.
So, yeah, she was responsible
for my first visit to a brothel.
Could you please elaborate? Why?
Um, I was working at a,
uh, medical supplies company.
Uh-huh.
And... Yeah.
And it was a box of lubrication.
And I had to deliver it there.
She is my boss,
or was my boss at the time.
So, I mean, there's so many things
about this that I'm like,
"What? You worked
at a medical supply place?"
Why are you deliver...
And part of your job
was delivery boy, man?
What was your title at the... Yes.
Yeah.
What was your title?
Oh, delivery man.
Like, I had my licence.
I had pubes, thanks very much.
So that was your job? Lube delivery!
Lube Mobile! Oh, I misread this.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So you arrived with a box of lube.
Yes.
The receptionist signs for it.
Yes.
And then what happens?
It was fairly underwhelming.
It's just a woman on the front desk.
And of course... (SNIGGERS)
As I said, I was a young man. She's
like, "How can we pay for this?"
And of course... (SNIGGERS) "No,
money, money. Money, of course."
It would have been great
if you'd said,
"How can we pay for this?"
(SNIGGERS) Like that.
And then a series of women
just came out,
one after the other,
and just went... (SNIGGERS)
They went, "We gave you,
like, 15..." (SNIGGERS)
"Now get out!"
"What did...
"What...what did you do
at the brothel?"
"I saw the Muppets. It was amazing."
I don't like where this is going.
Let's go to Chris's.
Who is Joy to you?
Ah, this is Joy and she yelled at me
in front of my neighbours
when I took a book
from her street library
and didn't replace it
with another one.
What book did you take?
It was...it was Kochie's joke book.
Get out.
Volume 3 no less.
What?
Kochie?
Yes, David Koch.
I think Volume 2 is the classic.
(LAUGHS)
Now, why would you take that book?
Well...
Did you burn it?
(LAUGHTER)
I've always been interested
in joke craft.
So when I saw it
in Joy's street library,
I didn't hesitate to take it.
When you say
"Joy's street library"...
Now, my understanding was it's sort
of like... It's a community thing.
Joy has her own street library.
She's sort of...
It's Joy's, in front of her house.
And the fact that you know so...
And you seem to be talking about
street libraries
with a sense of respect
for the institution,
yet you...
Which I think...
When you said,
"I didn't replace her book,"
there was a ripple of disgust
that went through this room
that was so palpable.
I didn't... I didn't know
the protocols.
What?
Normally when you go to a library,
if it's a school library
or a university library,
you borrow a book,
that's the end of the process.
You don't go, "Shit, do I have
another book on me
"to put back in the shelf?"
That's not technically the truth.
The traditional system is that you
borrow the book and you return it.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Joy's about to start yelling again.
You don't want to start her.
How outraged was she?
How angry did she get?
For a librarian, she was
pretty noisy. Um...
Can we get a quote?
What is one thing she said?
I don't think it's airable
on Channel Ten, Celia.
Come on.
It's... She was absolutely furious.
There was a lot of, "Don't you know
how street libraries work?"
And so did she take the book back?
Um, I think I said,
"Oh, I'm so sorry,
"I didn't understand the protocol.
"I'll bring back
something tomorrow."
And what... Did you and what was it?
It was a Colleen McCullough book
that I actually took from
someone else's street library
and put to Joy's.
Fantastic. Alright.
Three very compelling stories.
Is Joy Art's gluey good Samaritan?
Dave's red-light recruiter?
Or Chris's screaming
street librarian?
I think the word 'impossible'
comes to mind.
I know!
'Cause they're all good.
Joy's doing an incredible job
of just being so neutral.
Not giving anything away.
Something only a librarian could do.
I'm...I'm...I'm...my instincts
take me towards Art.
I can see her with the eyelids
being stuck together
and...and Joy coming to help.
And I can pick... You've got
lovely hands and nails, Joy.
And I can see you making
sausage rolls.
Is that gonna be very offensive
if that's...if that's...
I disagree. I actually
don't think it's Art.
I love the details of Chris's story.
I just... If nothing else,
it was a terrific tale well told.
Dave Thornton's box of lube
doesn't get a mention at all?
No. But I do want to see Joy...
If it is Joy.
If it is Chris's Joy,
then I want to see Joy re-enact
her going off at Chris.
For that reason,
I'm gonna go with Chris as well.
For that reason,
we're gonna say it's Chris.
Alright, Joy. Please reveal
your true identity.
My name is Joy
and I'm responsible
for Dave's first visit...
(EXCLAIMING AND APPLAUSE)
..to a brothel.
Happy birthday, love.
Thanks, mate.
Um...
Can...
Can I also say
at this point in time,
there was something
I left out of this.
This is my godmother.
(LAUGHTER)
This is what...
So she got me the job.
Joy, I love you. Everybody,
put your hands together for Joy!
Thanks for coming.
Thank you. I had fun.
What a great story. I love that.
We'll be back with more Would I Lie
To You? right after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
You are watching Would I Lie To You?,
the show that plays fast and loose
with the truth.
It's time for our next round,
Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story is the truth
or a lie.
Art, can you please read the card
and then reveal your possession?
If I ever invite someone back
to my place,
there's one thing
I always have to hide.
(LAUGHTER)
OTHERS: Oh!
Ho ho ho!
CHRISSIE: It's terrifying.
Who's this?
My goodness.
Oh, this is Chucky.
He's your friend till the end.
(LAUGHTER)
Where in your house
does Chucky live?
My bedroom.
Why, Art? Why?
I'm single. (LAUGHS)
And, as you can see, he's already in
the position of being a big spoon,
so when nights get lonely...
..just...
Aww.
OTHERS: Aww.
See, that's quite heartwarming,
isn't it?
FRANK: That would...
that would have to be the...
..one of the most adorable
psychotic babies I've ever...
(LAUGHTER)
CELIA: Um...
I could have believed
that you were...
..like, you had a kind of a morbid
cinema fascination.
Like, a lot of people decorate
their house with paraphernalia.
But the cuddling of
the psychotic baby,
you actually cuddle it in bed.
Well, wouldn't you?
I think the word
that comes to mind is no.
(LAUGHTER)
Why do you hide Chucky
when people come over
if you're not ashamed?
You... I just saw the way
you reacted, so...
Is it just me, but if you put
a little piano in front of Chucky,
look a little bit like Tim Minchin.
(LAUGHTER)
What?!
Wow.
(SINGS) # Canvas bags. #
When she cuddled it,
she did...seemed...
Ahh! She...she seemed
genuinely terrified.
Don't make it a Nazi as well. Jesus!
(LAUGHTER)
That was a wave.
That was just a wave.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team, is Chucky Art's...
..partner?
FRANK: So, my feeling is...
(LAUGHS)
Well, no.
I wasn't convinced about the way
that she, you know, nestled with it.
Mark, what's the correct way to
nestle something hideous like this?
I just feel...I don't think
you'd want that in the bed.
I think she's bluffing us
and it actually is true.
But I don't know.
OK.
I don't think she cuddles it
at night.
So based on that, we're gonna say
that we believe it's a lie.
It's a lie? Art?
Um, I'm here to tell you
that I was telling
the truth.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Should've trusted you.
I should've trusted her.
I might be the Mentalist.
Am I the Mentalist?
I think you might be.
You are the Mentalist.
I am the Mentalist.
Alright. Celia.
Hi.
It is your turn.
OK.
Please put your possession
on the bench
and then read the card.
OK.
CHRIS: Ah.
It's a dummy.
This is the dummy I give to my dog
when he has trouble falling asleep.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
How long have you been
doing this for?
Uh, about a year.
Does your dog have no teeth?
No, but it's quite stressed.
Quite stressed?
Why did you know that it...
Yeah.
FRANK: Did you initiate...
MARK: 'Cause it lives with humans!
You figure it out. Yep.
Am I the only one who thinks that,
like, did you initially
breastfeed the dog?
And then you transitioned
to the dummy?
(LAUGHS)
I went breastfeeding,
then dog formula and then dog dummy.
Yeah.
Um...
What gave you the idea for the dummy?
Uh, well, because some people...
Like, dogs get anxiety. (LAUGHS)
So I was in the chemist
and thought...I just wondered
if they'd make anything to comfort
him, to chew on a dummy.
I want to inspect the dummy.
Sure.
Mark, can you come right round?
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: Oh!
I'll have you know he is no dummy.
(CELIA LAUGHS)
He won 'Celebrity Mastermind'.
I just want to see
if it's got teeth marks.
I agree.
It's a little dog.
You can ask me what type.
What sort of dog is it, Celia?
He's...he's a terrier something.
He's about this big.
He's black and white.
It's got teeth marks all over it.
And he's maybe got some chihuahua
in there, don't know.
(CHUCKLING)
'Cause he's a rescue.
How much trial and error
was there before...
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Ohh.
Wow!
That feels like
a dog's eaten it. Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
What...
(LAUGHTER)
What parts do your dog...
does it usually lick? Um...
I mean, hold on, we've got one
for his mouth and one for his arse.
So you might wanna just check.
(LAUGHTER)
She forgets which one
she brought in today.
I forget which one. (LAUGHS)
I better get my affairs in order.
(LAUGHS)
Can we just rewind a bit here...
Yeah.
..Ceels?
Like, how long had your dog
had a sleeping problem for?
It's not even sleeping,
he can sleep. So... (LAUGHS)
We got... It's lockdown stuff.
We got another dog.
Jimmy, very, very stressed,
and then we got a puppy - we got a
puppy in lockdown, a lockdown dog -
and that seemed to stress him out
even more.
So it wasn't that he was just...
He just seemed freaked out
all the time.
And Jimmy's the name of the dog?
Jimmy.
Jimmy Chocolate Chip's
his full name.
Does Jimmy...
Jimmy Chocolate Chip.
Does Jimmy keep the dummy
in its mouth
for the duration of its slumber?
Uh, we kind of just don't...
Or do you need to sort of keep
every 10 minutes going back to him,
"Sorry," just shove the dummy
back in its mouth?
It's so fucked up.
What's worse is when it drops out
when I put him in his BabyBjorn.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm kidding.
What do we think?
I think you're telling the truth
'cause that thing has seen
some little nips.
There's definitely chew marks in it.
Yeah, there's chew marks.
Unless that was you.
There's chew marks on there, like...
I guess it's not impossible that
whoever puts the props together
for the segment
might think ahead enough to put
some marks - teeth marks - in there.
Dave, what do you think?
It's not out of the realm of
possibility that she's like,
"Well, I want my dog
to be comforted."
And I'm hoping it's not.
(LAUGHTER)
Why?
Because I've got about three weeks
left on the face of this planet.
But I do think it's real.
Yeah.
I think we are leaning
that it could be truthful.
So we'll say true.
True. Celia?
I don't think it's a crime.
When has it been a crime
to love your dog like a child,
even though I know
they're not a child?
But, unfortunately, it is the lie!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Thank you.
Oh, thank God.
(LAUGHS)
You're gonna survive it, Dave.
You're gonna survive it.
But it has been up my arse, Dave,
so...
(LAUGHTER)
Anyone who's had a dog knows
that there's no way
a dog would leave it like that.
What were we thinking?
Am I right?
That was never gonna be true.
Oh, my God, that was so much fun!
Don't go anywhere, we'll be back
with more Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Catch up on all the comedy
with full episodes of
Would I Lie To You?
on 10 play on demand.
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder, the story on the
card could be completely familiar
or something
they've never seen before.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Chris Taylor, your turn.
During lockdown,
I had so many parcels delivered
that one delivery driver asked me
to be the godfather to his baby.
(LAUGHTER)
So it happened to you too, did it?
(LAUGHS)
Well, did you say yes?
Oh.
I did.
(LAUGHS)
Man? Was it a...man?
It was a man.
How many times
have you met this man?
I'd say it was at least over 10.
During lockdown.
I was buying a lot of wine.
Um...
Who wasn't?
Some appliances.
Are you enjoying the air fryer?
Still...
I didn't get an air fryer.
Oh!
I just assumed.
Yeah.
How are you gonna make
the pasta chips then?
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
There would have been
a range of delivery people
during the entire lockdown.
This guy... What's his name?
I never got his name.
You don't know his name?
So you're the godfather of...
Did you get the child's name?
I got the child's name.
OK. And what's the child's name?
Rupert.
OK, lovely.
Um...
What?!
So, you don't know...
DAVE: You call him little Rupie?
I think that might...
That's a pretty massive chink.
I don't know how big a chink
it needs to be
before it becomes a chunk.
But the fact that you don't know
the name...
In 10 meetings...
I don't know about you.
But when when I do the transaction
where you receive a parcel,
you don't go,
"Oh, and what's your name?"
Yeah, you know what
you also don't do?
"Would you be my child's godfather?"
Yeah.
He didn't ask me that at the door.
Did he ask you to cut
the umbilical cord? Jeez.
(LAUGHS)
When did he ask you?
I got an email from the company.
(LAUGHS)
What company, Australia Post?
DHL.
So...
And keeping up with deliveries
during lockdown,
did you give the answer
three to four weeks later?
(LAUGHTER)
You become the godparent, don't you,
at the christening, is that right?
If you have a christening.
Now I think it's just a notional
sort of symbolic thing.
So all you do
is tick the box and there you are.
You tap your phone on the baby
and then...
Look, I might be wrong,
but my understanding of...
..an interpretation of
the godfather role
is that you would actually take on
the child...role of the parent
if the child...if the parents died.
You're going to raise the child
of a man whose name you don't know?
Well, he's dead, we don't care
about him. It's Rupert.
Historically, as I said, I think
that is what godfathers do.
I think now it's a bit more relaxed.
With the bestowing of your role
as...of godfather,
was it all done via email
via the receptionist at DHL?
I don't...
Because, otherwise, why haven't you
got the father's phone number
in your phone under his name?
Because we never had
that relationship.
He would just be
dropping off parcels.
We just have the relationship that
I'll raise his child if he dies.
(LAUGHS)
That's just the way.
Let me... I don't think
I've painted the pic...
We talked a lot.
Like, "How are you?"
I love my Australia Post guy.
"How are you getting on in lockdown?
"How are you getting on?"
Yeah.
"Oh, more wine, I see, Mr Taylor,
you might want to slow down."
We had a lot of banter.
Even though you seem to be
an alcoholic,
if something happens to me,
I want my child to be in your care.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah.
Email said they wanted to ask you
a favour and you replied 'sure',
and then they wrote in an email
asking you to be godfather.
I got an email from head office.
(LAUGHS)
It said, "We understand the delivery
man and you have been discussing
"the impending birth
of his child..."
Which we had been.
CHRISSIE: Yes.
We had actually... He did tell me
that his wife was expecting.
Further to your discussions
about the child, he's had the child
and, sort of for kicks,
he wants to know,
would you be interested
in being the godfather?
And I thought
it was sort of a joke, I must admit.
And I wrote back,
"Yes, I'm keen to hear more."
Were you nervous
signing for packages after that?
Just in case like, "It's Rupert!"
Oh, no.
(LAUGHTER)
It's happened.
Have you met the baby?
No.
(LAUGHS)
FRANK: Do you...
I'm not a good godfather.
He also said
I'm not the sole godfather.
Like, there's, like,
a couple of godfathers.
He delivers to a lot of people.
So, how did you break it
to your lovely wife
that you may some day be raising
some postman's child?
I'm not raising the child.
I'm insisting that
you raise the child.
I have great faith in the delivery
man's ability to stay alive.
And I think we need to get over
the idea
that I'm raising Rupert.
I've never met Rupert.
I think we all understand I'm
never gonna meet this fucking kid.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, Rupert, if you're watch...
But it was sort of understood.
I was a notional
comedy grandfather...
Uh, godfather.
I don't want anything bad to happen
to this delivery man
or his immediate family
but also part of me really wants you
to have to raise this kid.
What a sitcom premise that is.
Yeah.
Alright, what do you think?
I don't...I don't know.
Look, I'm feeling fairly confident
that it's a lie.
It's insane.
I can believe that somebody
would ask that as a joke.
Like the delivery person...
Which is exactly my story.
But coming through the emails
and everything,
it's just not ringing true for me.
Even if it were true, he asked,
you shouldn't have said yes.
So, no.
That's three lies.
I mean, I'm no Celebrity Mastermind
but that's unanimous.
CELIA: It'll be so embarrassing.
Mmm.
Yeah, so I think, unanimous,
we believe it's a lie.
I genuinely hope
Rupert's not watching
'cause it is in fact a lie.
CHRISSIE: Ah!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank God.
I was feeling so sad for Rupert.
It was in fact a lie.
Chris isn't the godfather
to a delivery driver's baby.
But I love mine so much,
I would have his baby. No worries.
It is time for a break. We'll see
you soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And we are in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
You are up next, Dave Thornton.
Here we go.
I used to drink coffee
without a cup.
(SNORTS)
(LAUGHS)
That is the most hipster
Melbourne thing I've ever heard.
What? Just like...
Cups are so passe.
..under a cafe bar,
clunk clunk clunk.
Get out of the way, barkeep.
(LAUGHS)
No, um, I, uh...I used to be
a graphic designer.
And then so I'd finished a long day
and I would have to drive back to...
This was when I lived in Geelong.
And it was a long drive.
And so I would just get
the coffee...
Phwt! In my mouth.
What?
Dry?
Where from?
Where's the phwt coming from?
Oh. From... Um, I'm talking,
like, your Blend 43.
You know, just...
(WHISTLES)
Do you have it instant?
Yes.
International Roast.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
So I'd go scoop, and I'd throw
a few in, then get some water...
..and just... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Mmm. (POPS LIPS)
So why...why not...why not go for
the more traditional method
of putting it into a cup
and then putting the water into it
and turning it into what most people
would consider a drink?
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Why?
Who knows the creative process
sometimes?
No, honestly, I wanted to get home
and it was a long drive home.
Did you ever get coffee lungs?
You know, where you went...
(GASPS AND CHOKES)
(LAUGHS)
I've had Milo lungs so many times.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's why I go, "Maybe it's true,"
'cause I've done it with Milo.
Yeah.
This is before...in a strange time
before energy drinks.
Oh.
Right.
I wanted to get the caffeine
into my face hole
and I want to get home.
Yeah.
Because I was driving to Geelong.
It's about an hour... More.
And if you do that... (CHUCKLES)
If you're getting tired and hit
the side of the road, you get the...
(MAKES WHINING SOUND)
Yes.
I thought a horse was chasing me
for miles on one occasion.
(CELIA LAUGHS)
He thought a horse was chasing him.
'Cause every now and then
I'd hear... (DRUMS DESKTOP)
Did you ever just go, you know what?
I don't even need the water or milk.
I'm just going just... (GOBBLES)
DAVE: Munch it?
(LAUGHS)
No. That's crazy.
That's just madness.
How many times
would you have done this?
Like, honestly...
Never.
..I sort of...
(LAUGHTER)
I knew he was gonna slip up.
I... 'Cause I'm thinking
I had that job for two years.
And so, you know, you break it down,
five days a week,
I would have done it maybe getting
over...ticked over to 100.
Wow.
I think it's true.
I think it makes sense you do it,
there was no other option.
Not 100 times. That's insane.
Right.
That's the ravings of a madman.
Please, just quickly tell me,
do you think that straight like that
has a particular zing
that made it worthwhile for you?
There was a kind of rush
because I want to get home now,
I want to go right, right, right,
foom, mmm, bang, let's go.
And it was just the whole theatre,
I guess, of it all.
The whole theatre of it?
So you were like...
(SINGS) # I've gotta go now. #
(LAUGHTER)
What are you talking about?
You know what it's like?
That made me think it's a lie.
No, you know what it's like?
In my mind, that's how I picture it,
it's Rocky, eggs in a glass, bang.
Yes.
(HUMS 'ROCKY' THEME)
Truth or lie?
(HUMS ALONG)
We think that it's true.
Do ya?
They think it's true, Dave.
OK. Well, well...
What is it?
This is interesting, isn't it?
Hmm.
Hmm, it is.
The fact is it is true.
Yes!
(APPLAUSE)
(CELIA HUMS 'ROCKY' THEME)
Now that I know it's true,
can I ask -
were your teeth, like, brown,
like an extra from 'Les Mis'?
(LAUGHTER)
That was the theatre of it.
That's the theatre of it.
That's it.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Ah!
That noise signals time is up.
It is the end of the show.
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner
is Frank's team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
But as we all know,
it is not just a team game.
My individual player of the night
is Celia Pacquola.
Oh! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Thank you very much.
That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thanks so much for watching
and goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Captions by Red Bee Media
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?
where six celebrities fudge the facts
and fabricate falsehoods.
I'm Chrissie Swan,
and captaining
our first team tonight,
from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser, it's Chris Taylor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alongside Chris is a comedian
whose official bio claims
he's built a global reputation,
which sounds impressive
until you realise
he's on Interpol's most wanted list.
It's Dave Thornton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And, finally,
Australia's premier drag diva,
best known as the runner-up on
'RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under',
a show whose hairspray budget alone
costs more than this entire series.
Welcome Art Simone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And captaining our second team
tonight, it's comedian Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
On Frank's team tonight
is a comedian and actor
who in the sitcom 'Rosehaven'
played a real estate agent,
so she should have no trouble
lying outrageously
while keeping
a completely straight face.
It's Celia Pacquola.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And a writer and TV presenter
who was the inaugural winner
of 'Celebrity Mastermind Australia',
a fact he'll just casually drop into
conversation every chance he gets.
It's Mr Mark Humphries.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
You made me laugh, already.
Well, that's what you would expect
from the winner of
Australian 'Celebrity Mastermind'.
(LAUGHS)
We should have a little count,
a little tally
at the bottom of the screen.
Alright, first up is Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card directly
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've got no idea
what they're going to be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.
Dave, you're up first.
Here we go.
Whenever I used to host a barbecue -
a backyard barbecue -
I'd entertain friends with
my Dance of the Tongs...
(LAUGHS)
..until one day,
it went horribly wrong.
Yeah!
Oh, I love this. I love this.
I think Dave knows
what the first question is.
Please perform
the Dance of the Tongs.
Dance of the Tongs?
You knew this was coming.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Do you need...
Do you need some tongs?
(LAUGHTER)
To be... No, to be honest...
Do you need two?
(LAUGHTER)
You know, in a strange twist...
Thank you for the tongs.
Thank you so much. This is great.
Please don't say, "The twist is,
it doesn't involve tongs."
No, well, the weird things is,
I did air tongs,
and I know this sounds very strange,
but I play air tongs.
Before we get to see
the Dance of the Amazing Tongs,
can you tell us how it started?
Uh, I'd had a few West Coast Coolers
at a barbecue, OK.
A great beverage.
Please!
The thing was a friend of mine
was playing acoustic guitar
just at the barbecue,
just smashing away
and doing whatever.
Oh, God, don't you hate...
There's always one.
Was that air guitar or was it...?
(LAUGHS)
No, this was genuine guitar.
Real guitar.
Oh, what a shame. It was a real one.
Yeah, yeah.
And, like, someone said to me,
they go, like,
"Do you play an instrument?"
And I said,
"Yeah, yeah, the air tongs."
And they were, like,
"What are you talking about?"
And then this guy started jamming
and I was, like, "Sick,"
and I was, like...
I started doing all this and then
I just started going like this.
CHRISSIE: Yes.
And then in the big crescendo,
when the guy was strumming away,
I'd just go,
"Diddle-liddle-liddle-liddle-duh..."
"Diddle-liddle-liddle-liddle-
liddle-liddle-liddle-liddle-luh."
(LAUGHTER)
And just keep doing that.
It looks a lot like something else.
(LAUGHTER)
Although, Chris,
if you can do this...
(WHISTLES)
..you've got a detachable penis.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So, why, when you're at a barbecue,
is your instinct to choose air tongs
when there's probable actual tongs
within your reach?
Hah. Cute. Um...
(LAUGHTER)
Right?
I mean, my mate was using the tongs.
Oh, right.
And so I'm not gonna...
Like, he's got work to do.
In the story,
something went horribly wrong.
Yeah, amazingly wrong.
Horribly wrong.
Amazingly wrong?
Yeah. Well, you can read it again.
Yeah, until one day,
it went horribly wrong.
How did it go horribly wrong?
(SIGHS) Good question.
Or amazingly wrong,
which is the way you almost
remembered it correctly then,
which is a different emotion,
really -
amazingly wrong to horribly wrong -
but push on.
I've got to be honest,
I cannot keep a straight face
when Frank is interrogating me.
I know!
It's like a parody of a lawyer.
He's like... (BABBLES)
(LAUGHS)
It's so hard.
I just can't take it seriously.
Well, the thing was,
'cause, of course,
you're moving around, aren't you,
when you're throwing said tongs
into the air.
But they don't exist.
No, they don't exist,
but you have to chase them down.
I have to be in character.
I can't just be, like,
"Oh, they're gone now."
I have to read the air
and be, like, "I got my tongs,"
and I got 'em back.
My aren't... My eyes,
I should say, aren't on the ground.
Mm-hm.
And your aunt isn't on the ground
either, which is good.
You haven't been
to my barbecues, mate.
We don't know
the aunt's not on the ground.
Maybe that's what
went horribly wrong.
(LAUGHS)
Did you trip over your aunt?
No, no, I didn't.
Did you stab your aunt
with the tongs?
Why is everyone
workshopping my story?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
We're just trying to help.
Guys, what happened,
so, I throw it in the air.
Of course, I'm near a barbecue,
so the person who is working
the tongs, of course, ba-bang.
What do you know,
I hip-and-shoulder the guy. Bang.
And then a hand goes
onto the barbecue.
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
So, then he backed off. I'm looking
for a high five. Nothing.
And then, what do you know?
The fun just cleared off real quick.
Did he go... Did he go...
(IMITATES SIZZLING)
"Aaargh! Aaargh!"
(IMITATES SIZZLING)
(LAUGHTER)
And there were men going, "Oh, no,
I'd give it a bit more than that.
"Give that three minutes."
MARK: I want to know,
have you ever performed
the Dance of the Tongs since?
(SHAKILY) Um, thank you
for asking, Mark. Um, no.
OK.
Well, I think we need to see
the Dance of the Tongs. I think...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You're in a safe place.
So, basically, it was like I said.
Someone's strumming away
and the whole thing...
You've gotta do the whole rigmarole
where you go,
"Uh... Oh! Got some tongs.
This is nice. This is nice."
Would it help if we all clapped?
Thank you, Mark.
(ALL CLAP RHYTHMICALLY)
So, then I start...
ART: Oh, that's...
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, yes!
(CELIA LAUGHS)
(ART CHANTS) Hey!
(CLAPPING SPEEDS UP)
Aye-yay-yay-yay! Ah-dah-dah-dah!
Yeah!
Whoa!
FRANK: There he goes! There he goes!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
CHRISSIE: Is he gonna catch it?
(ALL CHEER)
Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
The Dance of the Tongs!
Wow, the ultimate sell! I love that.
Alright, Frank's team.
Dave, that's a yes from me.
(LAUGHTER)
You're going to Sydney!
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team, I think we've seen
everything we need to see.
I think I've been won over by
the whole kind of package,
so...so I want to believe.
I want to believe.
Like, I want to believe in air
tongs, so let's say that's true.
If you pulled that air tong dance
just out of your back pocket
just then,
then that's impressive.
I think he... I think he did that.
I believe that he's got the talent.
He's got the mime talent.
I think it's probably not true.
I think he can definitely do that.
Truth or lie?
Oh, so it's split?
It's split.
Yep. It's up to you.
I'm gonna say I believe it's true.
Frank says it's true. Dave?
OK, it is...
..a lie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You...
You...!
So, you're not a heartless idiot
after all?
No.
Amazing.
Alright, Frank, you are up.
Oh, OK.
Read your card.
I once spent a day posing for photos
for a medical textbook.
(LAUGHTER)
ART: Um...
Wow.
I believe that.
When was this, Frank?
Um, it was about 15 years ago.
Um, whom was the publisher?
Oh, my God.
"Whom?"
CHRIS: "Whom?"
"Whom?"
"I believe it was Simon & Schuster."
(LAUGHTER)
I've been watching 'Downton Abbey'.
Whatever.
I think it was La Trobe University
Publishing or something like that.
Were you naked?
ART: Yeah, what...
Everybody wants to know,
were you naked?
What part of your body?
I was naked. No, I was...
I was naked because, at that time,
I had, like, quite a big cyst...
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, so, it was because of
a medical anomaly?
Yes, originally, the first diagnosis
was that I had three testicles...
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIM)
..but then it turned out
that one of them was just...
Was just pus.
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIM)
CELIA: That is a tough day.
How qualified was the doctor
who thought...
Who mistook one of your cysts
for a third testicle?
Did the doctor say,
"And whom do we have here?"
(LAUGHTER)
When did you discover your cyst?
My cyst?
Yeah, when did you discover...
When did I discover it?
..that there was one extra ball
in the bag?
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
It swelled up quite quickly
and then, after five days,
I went to the doctor and he went,
"Oh, for a moment there,
I thought you had a third testicle,"
um, which is the kind of banter
that doctors get into, as I found.
Then he got qualified and said,
"Oh, no, it's not a third testicle."
We did an MRI and they were worried
it could have been something
really serious,
but then it turned out
it was just a cyst,
and he said, "Because people
often confuse this condition
"with a more serious condition
and there's not...
"We don't have a lot of opportunity
to have photographs of it,
"how would you feel about us
photographing this
"for medical records?"
When you had three, you know like
those office executive stress toys,
could you do a bit of that and have
them go back and forward like that?
That's why I didn't go for five
days, because I was stress-free...
(LAUGHTER)
..you know, with the...
So much fun!
Was it very visual? Was it lower
than the other testicles?
To me - this is just my opinion -
like, I thought from an artistic
point of view, it looked better.
(LAUGHS)
Did they ask you to shave
the area pre...?
No, they actually didn't because
that was part of the thing.
They wanted it to look...
Natural.
..more or less like
it would present itself in...
And you've seen the photos?
Oh, they're great photos.
(LAUGHS)
What do you think's
on his Christmas card this year?
(LAUGHTER)
Jingle bells!
(LAUGHTER)
I do have a copy of the book,
but it's on the bookshelf somewhere.
It's not as if
everybody who comes through,
it's on the coffee table
and I hope they flick through to...
Oh, I've just realised, I'm so glad
it wasn't a pop-up book.
(LAUGHTER)
Aah!
(LAUGHTER)
Back to the photo shoot, like...
"The photo shoot."
We didn't think of it so much
as a photo shoot. It was...
Was it a bit, like,
"OK, work it, work it"?
Or was it...
Was it sort of medical photography?
It was so similar
to medical photography
that it was medical photography.
It was medical photography.
Virtually indistinguishable
from medical photography.
And so, when medical paparazzi
take a photo of your balls...
They just jump out of the bush.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank God you hadn't shaved.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Where...where is your cyst now?
Well...
Ladies and gentlemen...
Is it here? Is it in a jar?
I would love to know.
Um, I'll tell you what we...
Do you require, by any chance...
(LAUGHTER)
The weird thing is, I do have it.
Like, I don't know if anybody
has had procedures like that...
And, like, I've got a...
I've also got a bit of cartilage
from a knee operation.
But where do you keep
the cyst today?
Yeah, where is it?
Well, I've got, like, a little box
of body pa... (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
I've got a little box
of body parts, alright...
(LAUGHS)
..that is...
Guys, guys,
he said, "Little." Chill.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
And you're waiting
for science to catch up.
We've got his knee,
we've got a testicle.
We can rebuild him.
(LAUGHTER)
I have seesawed on this.
As he's told it,
I've gone, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
And now I don't know what to think.
What do...?
Yeah, look, I'm on the line as well.
I was, like, "No,"
then I was, like, "Well, maybe a box
of body parts is fun."
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna say I hope it is a lie.
See, I'm thinking it might be true.
It probably is, to be honest.
I thought when he sort of
got into MRI territory,
there was a little bit
of authority there.
(LAUGHS) What a journey,
let's say this first and foremost.
CHRISSIE: Absolutely.
What a journey.
But the thing
that fell apart for me is
I feel that they would ask him
to shave his testicles
because they would want to see
what it's like.
But the situation in this instance
was a photograph.
They probably want it to look
as hideous as possible,
and I'm sure Frank achieved that.
I'm a natural.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll need an answer.
I am gonna go
against my team on this.
OK.
I...I think this might be true.
Alright. Frank Woodley?
Well, Chris,
I think on this occasion,
you've discovered that
you should not trust your instincts.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
What?!
That's amazing!
(LAUGHS)
It was a lie.
That's incredible!
I just... I conjured up images
of your testicles for nought.
Is any of it true?
I don't even have any testicles!
(LAUGHTER)
On that note,
it is time for a break.
We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?
(THEME MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
Right now, we're in the middle
of Home Truths.
Celia.
Yo.
You are next...
OK.
..my love.
Okey-dokey. (GIGGLES)
I can't turn right in the shower.
Do you...do you mean in a car or...
(CACKLES)
AND do you mean the taps?
No.
You mean if you're standing
in a shower,
you can't swivel right
or rotate right.
That is correct.
Can you rotate left?
Yes. Of course.
Can you stand still?
Yes.
What inhibits you from turning right?
S...
Is it political?
Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
That's it.
Are you, like, when the water
goes down the plughole
in the Northern
and Southern Hemisphere?
Does it swap when you go to America?
Oh, yeah. She can't turn left
in the Northern Hemisphere. Like...
I can't turn right in the shower
because it feels weird.
Like, it feels weird.
I feel like something bad
will happen
if I... (LAUGHS) ..turn right.
There's not an obstacle
preventing you from turning right?
Or a soap dispenser?
No. Like that is fine.
It's just a mental thing.
Emotionally, you don't feel
a right turn is in you.
No. I feel like something bad
will happen. It feels wrong.
And I've tested it
'cause I'm not an idiot.
What do you mean you've tested it?
I've tried. I've tried many times
where I'll go, "Maybe..."
How far do you get?
That there. Then I go, "Whoa, nah."
You only get about 45 degrees.
"Whoop, no."
Why do you...
I go, "Nah."
And then you just freak out.
If I want to pick up something
there, I have to go that way.
Is it unique to the shower
or if you're dancing?
It's generally just the shower.
It's just the shower.
For as long as I can remember.
Just your shower or all showers?
My... All showers.
When you shower, are you facing
the shower head and the wall
or are you facing away
from the shower head?
Taps. Always taps.
You face taps?
Who doesn't... Is that...
Am I the only one who does that?
Everyone faces the taps, right?
No, I face out.
Do you get a face full of water?
Yeah.
I face the taps and then
if I want to turn around,
I do like a somersault.
(LAUGHS)
But that's the normal...
Have you seen anyone about this?
Not if they're over there.
(LAUGHTER)
Can you just... I don't want to
re-create anything too personal.
But can you stand up
as though you're showering?
And let's say the soap
is on your right-hand side.
How do you go about retrieving it?
It's over there?
CHRISSIE: Yeah, it's here.
So I'll try 'cause it's nuts
and I know it is,
and I go, "Just turn over there
and get it."
I get to right there and go, "Nah."
What would you do?
It feels wrong.
I would go like this.
And then I can turn right to get
back to the original spot.
Ah!
But I can't from there...
You can do a reverse right.
What?
So I can do that.
What?
So you're almost...
You can backtrack but you...
But why wouldn't you
just continue the circle then?
Doesn't. Can't.
And then you're still...
You're sticking with...
I can't. I can't.
You could keep turning.
Nah.
Is it like you've been wound up
and you're only getting back
by being unwound?
Any other little quirks like that?
Ah, I can't...
Just little dumb things
like I can't have
the power points turned on
if there's nothing plugged
into them.
That's sort of OCD stuff, isn't it?
You know those little...
I don't know where it started.
Maybe it was one of those things.
When you drive past a graveyard
and you hold your breath or button
and put your hand or something.
Don't know where it started.
Sorry, what? What was that?
You know when you drive past a
graveyard and you hold your breath?
All the ghosts will come out
and go in your mouth?
You know that?
Is this a thing?
You... I reckon,
you know what I'm thinking.
He's got a shitload
of ghosts in him.
(LAUGHS)
You messed up, buddy.
Oh, my God!
Um...
(LAUGHS)
"Have you met that Mark?" "Oh,
packed full of ghosts, that guy."
Look, it's incredibly eccentric
but what are you thinking?
The winding back around
was the bit...
I was going along with it, but then
when she wound back around,
"Look, I did turn right.
What do you know!"
If this is a neurosis
you're thinking about
and it's dawned on you on this show
that you have just turned right
to unwind what had happened,
you would no longer put a label
on it that I can't turn right.
Her explanation was that she can
sort of reverse-swing back in
but she can't start turning right.
So if she ever wants to turn right,
she always has to do a left
before she can go right,
knowing that if she goes left,
she will naturally swing back right.
That's in Victoria. But there's
a whole different rule...
(CACKLES)
..set of rules...
What do you think, Art?
Well, I've got superstitions
and weird things like that
that don't make sense, so it's...
It seemed to be something more
clinical than a superstition though.
Yeah, look, there's
a lot of layers to it.
But we're not gonna get through that.
Um...
I'm gonna say
I think it might be true.
(SIGHS) I'll go with true as well.
I think we're gonna say true.
Celia, is it true?
I mean, I think
there's gonna be, after this,
an outpouring of people
finally understanding those of us
who cannot turn right in the shower
'cause it's true.
Wow!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Can't do it.
Don't know why. You got me.
It is true. Celia really can't
turn right in the shower.
She has to turn left, go down the
hallway, do a U-ey in the kitchen.
Art, it is your turn.
(GASPS)
(TAPS NAILS)
(GASPS) Drum roll, please.
Hoo!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Whenever I throw a party,
I always make sure I invite
at least one person called Barbara.
And I bet she's the most fabulous
person in the room.
Oh, she bloody is. (LAUGHS)
Is that the end?
Yes.
Full stop.
So it's not a specific Barbara.
It's just there needs to be
someone called Barbara.
There's a quota to fill.
What?
Well, because I have
a dinner party story
about how when I was younger,
I used to call my mum's best friend
Blabla instead of Barbara.
And I just think
it's the most funniest story
when there's nothing else
to talk about.
But so you don't make sure there's
somebody there called Blabla?
No, it's Barbara, and then I go,
"You remind me, my mum's best
friend when I was little,
"um, I actually used
to call her Blabla
"'cause I couldn't say Barbara
and it was just so funny."
So you always invite
a Barbara to a party...
Always a different one.
..just to tell that anecdote.
I mean, that's tricky.
You need to be prepared
if there's dead silence.
Is that the best material you have?
No, but there's a surefire way.
And then we can talk about
Barbra Streisand, so we're sorted.
No, I can see that
the little Blabla thing
is, like, a very intimate thing from
your childhood, relaxes everybody.
I'm relatable.
You're rela... Yeah.
But it's tricky.
You've chosen basing an anecdote
on a name that's quite unusual.
Well, the thing is,
I don't have many dinner parties.
So there's probably been five.
How many Bar...
Oh. So you know five...
How many Barbaras do you know?
I've met five Barbaras.
Five?
So the Barbaras can't double up?
You'd never...
That's not fun for Barbara.
She wants to feel special,
doesn't she?
She's already heard the Blabla story.
Exactly.
She's like,
"Well, I'm just Blabla to you."
So once they're Blabla,
they're nah-nah, we go.
I don't know a single Barbara.
Really?
I've been...
I've got five I could
introduce you to.
How soon after the anecdote is
Barbara getting the... (WHISTLE)
Oh, she sticks around.
Because she feels special.
Do they?
One thing I can do as a drag queen
is make someone feel special.
I love how you feel like
you've been put on this Earth
as like a guardian angel
for Barbaras
and your job is to roam the Earth
making Barbaras feel special
for one night.
I'm glad you're putting it that way
'cause other people could say
that I'm using Barbaras
to make me look good.
To that, I say yes.
How do you harvest...
Like, how do you harvest
these Barbaras?
Like when you're in a queue...
Do you breed Barbaras?
Do you know what I mean?
Are you in a queue for a coffee
and that person behind you,
they say, "Barbara," do you go...
(LAUGHTER)
"Your coffee's on me."
(LAUGHS)
It's more of a social circumstance,
you know.
'Cause if we're out
having a beverage
and, you know, one of my friends
goes, "Have you met Barbara?"
And I go, "I'm about to."
And I save the story.
Yeah.
I save it.
Yeah!
Oh, you wouldn't wanna burn
that story.
No.
So have any of the Barbaras ever,
shock horror,
half an hour before dinner,
"I'm sorry, I can't make it"
and you're Barbaraless?
Why would you turn down me?
You wouldn't cancel on you, OK.
Never cancel on me.
Like, they open the door and you're
just there in your trackie daks
and, you know, like a singlet
and you're just no make-up
and your pink hair's
just hanging down and you're like,
"No bloody Barbara turned up."
(CACKLES)
I've got nothing.
Look, it's undeniably
very difficult to believe.
I think we can all...we can all say
that our instincts are saying...
What? No?
Nooo!
Probably not, no,
isn't, didn't happen.
But that's the very reason
why you would have chosen it
as a thing to say on this show.
MARK: Yes, I thought
the Blabla detail was interesting.
I thought that came very naturally
to you.
However, my issue is this idea
that being the Barbara is special.
I think if you were selected
for your attendance
based purely on your own name, that
is not a feeling of being special.
I believe Art has the ability
to make someone feel special,
but just the logistics is meeting
a Barbara and going, "From that,
"I'm gonna have a party
so I can tell this one story."
So truth or lie?
I don't think you need
to bring in a Barbara.
So based on that,
I think we're gonna say...
I was gonna press it.
Oh, you don't press that.
Push my button. Go on, push it!
Frank's team says it's a lie.
Oh, OK.
Um, well, I'm really sorry
to announce to the room
that, um, I was telling...
(INHALES POINTEDLY) ..a lie.
(EXCLAIMING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank God! Thank God.
Amazing, though.
You did very well.
(WHIMPERS)
I don't have parties.
I don't like people.
Don't go anywhere, we'll be back
with more Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And our next round
is called This Is My...
It's where we bring on
a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Chris's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Frank's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Joy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's good to see you, Joy.
Alright, Art, who is Joy to you?
Well, this is Joy
and Joy came to my rescue when I
accidentally glued my eyelid shut.
OK. Dave, who is Joy to you?
This is Joy and she was responsible
for my first ever visit
to a brothel.
(LAUGHTER)
(CACKLING)
Alright, Chris, who is Joy to you?
Ah, this is Joy.
She yelled at me
in front of my neighbours
when I took a book
from her street library
and didn't replace it
with another one.
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHS)
All feasible. So there we have it.
Is Joy Art's gluey good Samaritan,
Dave's red-light recruiter or
Chris's screaming street librarian?
Shall we start with Arty?
Let's start with Art.
So...
If you could paint the picture
of the initial incident for us.
I was getting ready at
a venue I work at.
And I don't know if you know
this, but drag queens,
we're held together with lots
of different types of adhesives.
Um, so, you've got your eyelash glue
but then you got your wig glue and
then you've also got your superglue.
Um, so I was out of lash glue.
I was like, "Do you know what,
I'm going to use Spirit Gum,"
which is wig glue, so I used it
to glue my eyelashes on
and, ah, well, it seeped
into my eye folds
and, um, my eyes were sealed shut.
So I had to screech out and Joy
works at the venue that I work at.
She works in the kitchen.
Um, so she came and helped me.
Helped peel them open.
With a potato peeler?
Yes.
No, she has a gentle touch.
So Joy figured that she,
with her kitchen skills,
would be the right person
to do this?
Not to take you to a hospital or...
Look at Joy.
CELIA: I know. I trust...
This is the type of person
you want to help you
when your eyelids are glued shut.
So, you know,
and we have a connection
because she makes the best
homemade sausage rolls.
Did you like...
Because you've got your eyes shut,
so you go, "Joy!"
And then someone comes towards you
but you can't know that it's Joy.
No, but I could smell
the sausage rolls on her hands.
So she'd just been massaging
a meat log for a while.
You know what, I think...
Yes, Frank?
Can I... Do you mind if I do,
like, a smell test of Joy?
Well, I think...
Does Joy mind?
Blink twice for 'yes'.
(CHEERING)
Yes.
She says it's OK for you
to smell her.
(LAUGHTER)
Is there any sausage roll?
(CACKLES)
I'm picking up Cornish pasty.
Um, thank you, Joy.
Oh, fantastic.
Good on you, Joy.
Your feedback on Joy now.
Yeah, notes of...
Yeah, no lingering, um...
No meat log?
..sausage roll aroma present.
I guess it's possible
she hasn't come straight
from a shift at the bar.
She was coming on Would I Lie
To You?, she might think,
"I might wash my hands
'cause there's a chance
Frank Woodley's gonna smell them."
(LAUGHS)
Let's go over to Dave now.
Thorno, David, Dave?
So what was it?
Joy's responsible for you
going to a brothel
for the first time, was it, or...
I don't wanna repeat the line 'cause
Frank might smell her again, but...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
When Joy can talk, we're gonna
break this apart, OK, Joy.
A lot has happened.
So, yeah, she was responsible
for my first visit to a brothel.
Could you please elaborate? Why?
Um, I was working at a,
uh, medical supplies company.
Uh-huh.
And... Yeah.
And it was a box of lubrication.
And I had to deliver it there.
She is my boss,
or was my boss at the time.
So, I mean, there's so many things
about this that I'm like,
"What? You worked
at a medical supply place?"
Why are you deliver...
And part of your job
was delivery boy, man?
What was your title at the... Yes.
Yeah.
What was your title?
Oh, delivery man.
Like, I had my licence.
I had pubes, thanks very much.
So that was your job? Lube delivery!
Lube Mobile! Oh, I misread this.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So you arrived with a box of lube.
Yes.
The receptionist signs for it.
Yes.
And then what happens?
It was fairly underwhelming.
It's just a woman on the front desk.
And of course... (SNIGGERS)
As I said, I was a young man. She's
like, "How can we pay for this?"
And of course... (SNIGGERS) "No,
money, money. Money, of course."
It would have been great
if you'd said,
"How can we pay for this?"
(SNIGGERS) Like that.
And then a series of women
just came out,
one after the other,
and just went... (SNIGGERS)
They went, "We gave you,
like, 15..." (SNIGGERS)
"Now get out!"
"What did...
"What...what did you do
at the brothel?"
"I saw the Muppets. It was amazing."
I don't like where this is going.
Let's go to Chris's.
Who is Joy to you?
Ah, this is Joy and she yelled at me
in front of my neighbours
when I took a book
from her street library
and didn't replace it
with another one.
What book did you take?
It was...it was Kochie's joke book.
Get out.
Volume 3 no less.
What?
Kochie?
Yes, David Koch.
I think Volume 2 is the classic.
(LAUGHS)
Now, why would you take that book?
Well...
Did you burn it?
(LAUGHTER)
I've always been interested
in joke craft.
So when I saw it
in Joy's street library,
I didn't hesitate to take it.
When you say
"Joy's street library"...
Now, my understanding was it's sort
of like... It's a community thing.
Joy has her own street library.
She's sort of...
It's Joy's, in front of her house.
And the fact that you know so...
And you seem to be talking about
street libraries
with a sense of respect
for the institution,
yet you...
Which I think...
When you said,
"I didn't replace her book,"
there was a ripple of disgust
that went through this room
that was so palpable.
I didn't... I didn't know
the protocols.
What?
Normally when you go to a library,
if it's a school library
or a university library,
you borrow a book,
that's the end of the process.
You don't go, "Shit, do I have
another book on me
"to put back in the shelf?"
That's not technically the truth.
The traditional system is that you
borrow the book and you return it.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Joy's about to start yelling again.
You don't want to start her.
How outraged was she?
How angry did she get?
For a librarian, she was
pretty noisy. Um...
Can we get a quote?
What is one thing she said?
I don't think it's airable
on Channel Ten, Celia.
Come on.
It's... She was absolutely furious.
There was a lot of, "Don't you know
how street libraries work?"
And so did she take the book back?
Um, I think I said,
"Oh, I'm so sorry,
"I didn't understand the protocol.
"I'll bring back
something tomorrow."
And what... Did you and what was it?
It was a Colleen McCullough book
that I actually took from
someone else's street library
and put to Joy's.
Fantastic. Alright.
Three very compelling stories.
Is Joy Art's gluey good Samaritan?
Dave's red-light recruiter?
Or Chris's screaming
street librarian?
I think the word 'impossible'
comes to mind.
I know!
'Cause they're all good.
Joy's doing an incredible job
of just being so neutral.
Not giving anything away.
Something only a librarian could do.
I'm...I'm...I'm...my instincts
take me towards Art.
I can see her with the eyelids
being stuck together
and...and Joy coming to help.
And I can pick... You've got
lovely hands and nails, Joy.
And I can see you making
sausage rolls.
Is that gonna be very offensive
if that's...if that's...
I disagree. I actually
don't think it's Art.
I love the details of Chris's story.
I just... If nothing else,
it was a terrific tale well told.
Dave Thornton's box of lube
doesn't get a mention at all?
No. But I do want to see Joy...
If it is Joy.
If it is Chris's Joy,
then I want to see Joy re-enact
her going off at Chris.
For that reason,
I'm gonna go with Chris as well.
For that reason,
we're gonna say it's Chris.
Alright, Joy. Please reveal
your true identity.
My name is Joy
and I'm responsible
for Dave's first visit...
(EXCLAIMING AND APPLAUSE)
..to a brothel.
Happy birthday, love.
Thanks, mate.
Um...
Can...
Can I also say
at this point in time,
there was something
I left out of this.
This is my godmother.
(LAUGHTER)
This is what...
So she got me the job.
Joy, I love you. Everybody,
put your hands together for Joy!
Thanks for coming.
Thank you. I had fun.
What a great story. I love that.
We'll be back with more Would I Lie
To You? right after the break.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)
You are watching Would I Lie To You?,
the show that plays fast and loose
with the truth.
It's time for our next round,
Possession,
in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.
It's up to the opposing team
to work out
whether the story is the truth
or a lie.
Art, can you please read the card
and then reveal your possession?
If I ever invite someone back
to my place,
there's one thing
I always have to hide.
(LAUGHTER)
OTHERS: Oh!
Ho ho ho!
CHRISSIE: It's terrifying.
Who's this?
My goodness.
Oh, this is Chucky.
He's your friend till the end.
(LAUGHTER)
Where in your house
does Chucky live?
My bedroom.
Why, Art? Why?
I'm single. (LAUGHS)
And, as you can see, he's already in
the position of being a big spoon,
so when nights get lonely...
..just...
Aww.
OTHERS: Aww.
See, that's quite heartwarming,
isn't it?
FRANK: That would...
that would have to be the...
..one of the most adorable
psychotic babies I've ever...
(LAUGHTER)
CELIA: Um...
I could have believed
that you were...
..like, you had a kind of a morbid
cinema fascination.
Like, a lot of people decorate
their house with paraphernalia.
But the cuddling of
the psychotic baby,
you actually cuddle it in bed.
Well, wouldn't you?
I think the word
that comes to mind is no.
(LAUGHTER)
Why do you hide Chucky
when people come over
if you're not ashamed?
You... I just saw the way
you reacted, so...
Is it just me, but if you put
a little piano in front of Chucky,
look a little bit like Tim Minchin.
(LAUGHTER)
What?!
Wow.
(SINGS) # Canvas bags. #
When she cuddled it,
she did...seemed...
Ahh! She...she seemed
genuinely terrified.
Don't make it a Nazi as well. Jesus!
(LAUGHTER)
That was a wave.
That was just a wave.
(LAUGHTER)
Frank's team, is Chucky Art's...
..partner?
FRANK: So, my feeling is...
(LAUGHS)
Well, no.
I wasn't convinced about the way
that she, you know, nestled with it.
Mark, what's the correct way to
nestle something hideous like this?
I just feel...I don't think
you'd want that in the bed.
I think she's bluffing us
and it actually is true.
But I don't know.
OK.
I don't think she cuddles it
at night.
So based on that, we're gonna say
that we believe it's a lie.
It's a lie? Art?
Um, I'm here to tell you
that I was telling
the truth.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Should've trusted you.
I should've trusted her.
I might be the Mentalist.
Am I the Mentalist?
I think you might be.
You are the Mentalist.
I am the Mentalist.
Alright. Celia.
Hi.
It is your turn.
OK.
Please put your possession
on the bench
and then read the card.
OK.
CHRIS: Ah.
It's a dummy.
This is the dummy I give to my dog
when he has trouble falling asleep.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
How long have you been
doing this for?
Uh, about a year.
Does your dog have no teeth?
No, but it's quite stressed.
Quite stressed?
Why did you know that it...
Yeah.
FRANK: Did you initiate...
MARK: 'Cause it lives with humans!
You figure it out. Yep.
Am I the only one who thinks that,
like, did you initially
breastfeed the dog?
And then you transitioned
to the dummy?
(LAUGHS)
I went breastfeeding,
then dog formula and then dog dummy.
Yeah.
Um...
What gave you the idea for the dummy?
Uh, well, because some people...
Like, dogs get anxiety. (LAUGHS)
So I was in the chemist
and thought...I just wondered
if they'd make anything to comfort
him, to chew on a dummy.
I want to inspect the dummy.
Sure.
Mark, can you come right round?
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: Oh!
I'll have you know he is no dummy.
(CELIA LAUGHS)
He won 'Celebrity Mastermind'.
I just want to see
if it's got teeth marks.
I agree.
It's a little dog.
You can ask me what type.
What sort of dog is it, Celia?
He's...he's a terrier something.
He's about this big.
He's black and white.
It's got teeth marks all over it.
And he's maybe got some chihuahua
in there, don't know.
(CHUCKLING)
'Cause he's a rescue.
How much trial and error
was there before...
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Ohh.
Wow!
That feels like
a dog's eaten it. Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
What...
(LAUGHTER)
What parts do your dog...
does it usually lick? Um...
I mean, hold on, we've got one
for his mouth and one for his arse.
So you might wanna just check.
(LAUGHTER)
She forgets which one
she brought in today.
I forget which one. (LAUGHS)
I better get my affairs in order.
(LAUGHS)
Can we just rewind a bit here...
Yeah.
..Ceels?
Like, how long had your dog
had a sleeping problem for?
It's not even sleeping,
he can sleep. So... (LAUGHS)
We got... It's lockdown stuff.
We got another dog.
Jimmy, very, very stressed,
and then we got a puppy - we got a
puppy in lockdown, a lockdown dog -
and that seemed to stress him out
even more.
So it wasn't that he was just...
He just seemed freaked out
all the time.
And Jimmy's the name of the dog?
Jimmy.
Jimmy Chocolate Chip's
his full name.
Does Jimmy...
Jimmy Chocolate Chip.
Does Jimmy keep the dummy
in its mouth
for the duration of its slumber?
Uh, we kind of just don't...
Or do you need to sort of keep
every 10 minutes going back to him,
"Sorry," just shove the dummy
back in its mouth?
It's so fucked up.
What's worse is when it drops out
when I put him in his BabyBjorn.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm kidding.
What do we think?
I think you're telling the truth
'cause that thing has seen
some little nips.
There's definitely chew marks in it.
Yeah, there's chew marks.
Unless that was you.
There's chew marks on there, like...
I guess it's not impossible that
whoever puts the props together
for the segment
might think ahead enough to put
some marks - teeth marks - in there.
Dave, what do you think?
It's not out of the realm of
possibility that she's like,
"Well, I want my dog
to be comforted."
And I'm hoping it's not.
(LAUGHTER)
Why?
Because I've got about three weeks
left on the face of this planet.
But I do think it's real.
Yeah.
I think we are leaning
that it could be truthful.
So we'll say true.
True. Celia?
I don't think it's a crime.
When has it been a crime
to love your dog like a child,
even though I know
they're not a child?
But, unfortunately, it is the lie!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Thank you.
Oh, thank God.
(LAUGHS)
You're gonna survive it, Dave.
You're gonna survive it.
But it has been up my arse, Dave,
so...
(LAUGHTER)
Anyone who's had a dog knows
that there's no way
a dog would leave it like that.
What were we thinking?
Am I right?
That was never gonna be true.
Oh, my God, that was so much fun!
Don't go anywhere, we'll be back
with more Would I Lie To You?
right after the break.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Catch up on all the comedy
with full episodes of
Would I Lie To You?
on 10 play on demand.
(THEME MUSIC)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And it's time for Quick Fire Lies.
Just a reminder, the story on the
card could be completely familiar
or something
they've never seen before.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Chris Taylor, your turn.
During lockdown,
I had so many parcels delivered
that one delivery driver asked me
to be the godfather to his baby.
(LAUGHTER)
So it happened to you too, did it?
(LAUGHS)
Well, did you say yes?
Oh.
I did.
(LAUGHS)
Man? Was it a...man?
It was a man.
How many times
have you met this man?
I'd say it was at least over 10.
During lockdown.
I was buying a lot of wine.
Um...
Who wasn't?
Some appliances.
Are you enjoying the air fryer?
Still...
I didn't get an air fryer.
Oh!
I just assumed.
Yeah.
How are you gonna make
the pasta chips then?
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
There would have been
a range of delivery people
during the entire lockdown.
This guy... What's his name?
I never got his name.
You don't know his name?
So you're the godfather of...
Did you get the child's name?
I got the child's name.
OK. And what's the child's name?
Rupert.
OK, lovely.
Um...
What?!
So, you don't know...
DAVE: You call him little Rupie?
I think that might...
That's a pretty massive chink.
I don't know how big a chink
it needs to be
before it becomes a chunk.
But the fact that you don't know
the name...
In 10 meetings...
I don't know about you.
But when when I do the transaction
where you receive a parcel,
you don't go,
"Oh, and what's your name?"
Yeah, you know what
you also don't do?
"Would you be my child's godfather?"
Yeah.
He didn't ask me that at the door.
Did he ask you to cut
the umbilical cord? Jeez.
(LAUGHS)
When did he ask you?
I got an email from the company.
(LAUGHS)
What company, Australia Post?
DHL.
So...
And keeping up with deliveries
during lockdown,
did you give the answer
three to four weeks later?
(LAUGHTER)
You become the godparent, don't you,
at the christening, is that right?
If you have a christening.
Now I think it's just a notional
sort of symbolic thing.
So all you do
is tick the box and there you are.
You tap your phone on the baby
and then...
Look, I might be wrong,
but my understanding of...
..an interpretation of
the godfather role
is that you would actually take on
the child...role of the parent
if the child...if the parents died.
You're going to raise the child
of a man whose name you don't know?
Well, he's dead, we don't care
about him. It's Rupert.
Historically, as I said, I think
that is what godfathers do.
I think now it's a bit more relaxed.
With the bestowing of your role
as...of godfather,
was it all done via email
via the receptionist at DHL?
I don't...
Because, otherwise, why haven't you
got the father's phone number
in your phone under his name?
Because we never had
that relationship.
He would just be
dropping off parcels.
We just have the relationship that
I'll raise his child if he dies.
(LAUGHS)
That's just the way.
Let me... I don't think
I've painted the pic...
We talked a lot.
Like, "How are you?"
I love my Australia Post guy.
"How are you getting on in lockdown?
"How are you getting on?"
Yeah.
"Oh, more wine, I see, Mr Taylor,
you might want to slow down."
We had a lot of banter.
Even though you seem to be
an alcoholic,
if something happens to me,
I want my child to be in your care.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah.
Email said they wanted to ask you
a favour and you replied 'sure',
and then they wrote in an email
asking you to be godfather.
I got an email from head office.
(LAUGHS)
It said, "We understand the delivery
man and you have been discussing
"the impending birth
of his child..."
Which we had been.
CHRISSIE: Yes.
We had actually... He did tell me
that his wife was expecting.
Further to your discussions
about the child, he's had the child
and, sort of for kicks,
he wants to know,
would you be interested
in being the godfather?
And I thought
it was sort of a joke, I must admit.
And I wrote back,
"Yes, I'm keen to hear more."
Were you nervous
signing for packages after that?
Just in case like, "It's Rupert!"
Oh, no.
(LAUGHTER)
It's happened.
Have you met the baby?
No.
(LAUGHS)
FRANK: Do you...
I'm not a good godfather.
He also said
I'm not the sole godfather.
Like, there's, like,
a couple of godfathers.
He delivers to a lot of people.
So, how did you break it
to your lovely wife
that you may some day be raising
some postman's child?
I'm not raising the child.
I'm insisting that
you raise the child.
I have great faith in the delivery
man's ability to stay alive.
And I think we need to get over
the idea
that I'm raising Rupert.
I've never met Rupert.
I think we all understand I'm
never gonna meet this fucking kid.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, Rupert, if you're watch...
But it was sort of understood.
I was a notional
comedy grandfather...
Uh, godfather.
I don't want anything bad to happen
to this delivery man
or his immediate family
but also part of me really wants you
to have to raise this kid.
What a sitcom premise that is.
Yeah.
Alright, what do you think?
I don't...I don't know.
Look, I'm feeling fairly confident
that it's a lie.
It's insane.
I can believe that somebody
would ask that as a joke.
Like the delivery person...
Which is exactly my story.
But coming through the emails
and everything,
it's just not ringing true for me.
Even if it were true, he asked,
you shouldn't have said yes.
So, no.
That's three lies.
I mean, I'm no Celebrity Mastermind
but that's unanimous.
CELIA: It'll be so embarrassing.
Mmm.
Yeah, so I think, unanimous,
we believe it's a lie.
I genuinely hope
Rupert's not watching
'cause it is in fact a lie.
CHRISSIE: Ah!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank God.
I was feeling so sad for Rupert.
It was in fact a lie.
Chris isn't the godfather
to a delivery driver's baby.
But I love mine so much,
I would have his baby. No worries.
It is time for a break. We'll see
you soon on Would I Lie To You?
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?
And we are in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
You are up next, Dave Thornton.
Here we go.
I used to drink coffee
without a cup.
(SNORTS)
(LAUGHS)
That is the most hipster
Melbourne thing I've ever heard.
What? Just like...
Cups are so passe.
..under a cafe bar,
clunk clunk clunk.
Get out of the way, barkeep.
(LAUGHS)
No, um, I, uh...I used to be
a graphic designer.
And then so I'd finished a long day
and I would have to drive back to...
This was when I lived in Geelong.
And it was a long drive.
And so I would just get
the coffee...
Phwt! In my mouth.
What?
Dry?
Where from?
Where's the phwt coming from?
Oh. From... Um, I'm talking,
like, your Blend 43.
You know, just...
(WHISTLES)
Do you have it instant?
Yes.
International Roast.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
So I'd go scoop, and I'd throw
a few in, then get some water...
..and just... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Mmm. (POPS LIPS)
So why...why not...why not go for
the more traditional method
of putting it into a cup
and then putting the water into it
and turning it into what most people
would consider a drink?
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Why?
Who knows the creative process
sometimes?
No, honestly, I wanted to get home
and it was a long drive home.
Did you ever get coffee lungs?
You know, where you went...
(GASPS AND CHOKES)
(LAUGHS)
I've had Milo lungs so many times.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's why I go, "Maybe it's true,"
'cause I've done it with Milo.
Yeah.
This is before...in a strange time
before energy drinks.
Oh.
Right.
I wanted to get the caffeine
into my face hole
and I want to get home.
Yeah.
Because I was driving to Geelong.
It's about an hour... More.
And if you do that... (CHUCKLES)
If you're getting tired and hit
the side of the road, you get the...
(MAKES WHINING SOUND)
Yes.
I thought a horse was chasing me
for miles on one occasion.
(CELIA LAUGHS)
He thought a horse was chasing him.
'Cause every now and then
I'd hear... (DRUMS DESKTOP)
Did you ever just go, you know what?
I don't even need the water or milk.
I'm just going just... (GOBBLES)
DAVE: Munch it?
(LAUGHS)
No. That's crazy.
That's just madness.
How many times
would you have done this?
Like, honestly...
Never.
..I sort of...
(LAUGHTER)
I knew he was gonna slip up.
I... 'Cause I'm thinking
I had that job for two years.
And so, you know, you break it down,
five days a week,
I would have done it maybe getting
over...ticked over to 100.
Wow.
I think it's true.
I think it makes sense you do it,
there was no other option.
Not 100 times. That's insane.
Right.
That's the ravings of a madman.
Please, just quickly tell me,
do you think that straight like that
has a particular zing
that made it worthwhile for you?
There was a kind of rush
because I want to get home now,
I want to go right, right, right,
foom, mmm, bang, let's go.
And it was just the whole theatre,
I guess, of it all.
The whole theatre of it?
So you were like...
(SINGS) # I've gotta go now. #
(LAUGHTER)
What are you talking about?
You know what it's like?
That made me think it's a lie.
No, you know what it's like?
In my mind, that's how I picture it,
it's Rocky, eggs in a glass, bang.
Yes.
(HUMS 'ROCKY' THEME)
Truth or lie?
(HUMS ALONG)
We think that it's true.
Do ya?
They think it's true, Dave.
OK. Well, well...
What is it?
This is interesting, isn't it?
Hmm.
Hmm, it is.
The fact is it is true.
Yes!
(APPLAUSE)
(CELIA HUMS 'ROCKY' THEME)
Now that I know it's true,
can I ask -
were your teeth, like, brown,
like an extra from 'Les Mis'?
(LAUGHTER)
That was the theatre of it.
That's the theatre of it.
That's it.
(BUZZER BEEPS)
Ah!
That noise signals time is up.
It is the end of the show.
And I can reveal that
tonight's winner
is Frank's team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
But as we all know,
it is not just a team game.
My individual player of the night
is Celia Pacquola.
Oh! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Thank you very much.
That's it for Would I Lie To You?
Thanks so much for watching
and goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Captions by Red Bee Media