Would I Lie to You? (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Hello and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,

the show where our teams
try to work out who's fair dinkum

and who's furnishing furphies.

I'm Chrissie Swan
and joining me are two teams

who will take turns reading stories.

It's up to the opposing team
to determine

whether the story is true or a lie.

The team with the most correct
guesses wins. Onward.

Captaining our first team tonight,



from the satirical comedy group
The Chaser, it's Chris Taylor.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Alongside Chris is a comedian

who used to be
a successful radio presenter

and created 'The Other Guy', a sitcom
about a successful radio presenter.

I wonder where
he gets his ideas from.

It's Matt Okine.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

And an Australian comedy legend
who has just become a grandmother.

Yes, she's absolutely delighted
to finally have someone

who hasn't heard
any of her old material.

It's Denise Scott.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

And captaining
our second team tonight,



it's comedian Frank Woodley.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Joining Frank is an actor
who made a name for himself

by digging a hole on 'The Castle'.

Let's see if tonight
he can dig himself out of one.

Please welcome Stephen Curry.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

And an award-winning
singer-songwriter

who last year was a big baby
on 'The Masked Singer'.

Just to be clear,
that was her character,

not how she behaved on the show.

It's Ella Hooper.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

A little bit. Little bit.

Alright, let's play.

First up is Home Truths

where our panellists
each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

The card will contain either a truth
from the panellist's actual life

or a lie that we made up,

but they won't know
until they read it aloud.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the facts from the fabrications.

Frank, you're up first.

Come on, mate. Here we go.

I can communicate with magpies.

(LAUGHTER)
Whoa. Wow.

Right. Do you mean, like,
the footballers?

(LAUGHTER)
No, no, I can't get through to them.

Can't get through to them.
No-one... no-one speaks that language.

No, no, the birds.
MATT: And where?

In what sort of instances
are you even seeing magpies?

In my backyard.
There's lots of mag...

There's magpies basically
all over Australia, aren't there?

Yes.

And in my place at Northcote,
there certainly are some.

When did you first realise
you had the gift

to be able to communicate
with magpies?

Well, I can remember
we were sitting in the backyard

and we were listening
to the magpies

and it was my son and my wife and I

and we all tried to do
magpie impressions,

like... like, you know,
just sort of doing the... (WARBLES)

I was trying to do it
like a little, um...

What? Can you do that again?

(WARBLES)

I'm not an ornithologist.
Is that a magpie?

No, a... a... a magpie's
more a... (WARBLES)

ELLA: Everyone's gonna have...
Isn't it?

Frank?

The magpies in Northcote have
a different dialect, obviously.

No, no...
No, I... We're neighbours.

Oh, well, maybe you're just
communicating to each other

over the fence
and you think it's magpies.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

ELLA: That's what it is.

No, go on,
have a quick conversation.

Let's go.
Alright.

(WARBLES)

(WARBLES)
So... so, we're doing...

Can I just say, that was so much more
entertaining than 'Studio 10'.

You should just do...
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

You're so up with the news.

I left 'Studio 10' two years ago,
but anyway...

And hasn't it gone off?
But, anyway, back to Frank.

So, we were doing these impressions

and then what happened was
a little baby magpie,

little baby one,
comes into the backyard

and I was having, like,

a little bit of a kind of
a ham thing with my breakfast

and I chucked it over
into the backyard

and the baby went and got it

and then the mother,
instead of going to the baby,

came to me for a little bit more,

and so I gave her a little bit more

and then those two kept coming
every day from then on,

and when I say 'communicate',
basically...

You mean 'feed'. (LAUGHS)
No, no.

No, he's getting there.
He's getting there.

I swear, I've got the most beautiful
photograph that you can imagine

of this baby magpie on my arm,

taking a little bit of meat
from my mouth.

It's absolutely beautiful.
From your mouth?

STEPHEN: Did you spew
into its mouth?

Sorry, taking...

I was just thinking about the photo,
so I got distracted.

From my hand. So, I've got
this beautiful photo...

We'll do an impression right now.
Watch this.

ELLA: Aww.
(LAUGHTER)

It's one of the most beautiful...
Sorry, I misspoke.

(APPLAUSE)
Sounds pretty good.

It sounds like you give a lot,
but if they speak to you,

do you understand
what they're saying back?

Basically, whatever I do
as a magpie... (WARBLES)

..that means, "I've got meat."

And I will hear them say...
(WARBLES)

..which means, "Good."

(LAUGHTER)

So, the word for 'good' in magpie

is as long as the word for,
"I have got meat."

I didn't say that I can speak
the language of magpies.

I said I can communicate
with magpies.

I'm not buying this for a second.

Oh, see,
I was really starting to buy it

and, you know, what got me
across the line is the photo

with the baby magpie on Frank's hand.

I mean, I saw...
I saw love in Frank's eyes.

What are you thinking?
I think it's true.

You think Frank can...
No, I don't... I...

As Frank said, it's not literally
talking to a magpie.

It's just the announcement of,
"I've got..."

So, we're almost
being asked to believe

do we believe Frank believes
he can communicate with magpies?

CHRISSIE: Yeah.
I... I'm starting to backflip.

I'm starting to freak out, yeah.

I'm very happy to, you know,
be democratic about this.

I'm not buying a single word of it.
OK, you go.

Let's go with a lie.
But you are.

Yeah, but, you know, take it away.

(LAUGHTER)

And you're just in the middle?

Yeah, I think... I think I'm going
to go with lie now as well.

Well, we'll say lie.

Frank Woodley,
was that a lie or the truth?

Well, that was actually the...
(WARBLES)

..lie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Well done.

ELLA: Well played.
Chris went with his gut.

Bravo. Very good.
Yes, yes, indeed, it was a lie.

Frank can't really communicate
with magpies,

despite being very good at
the impression.

Alright, Chris, it is your turn.
Alright.

Every day, I issue my wife
with a menu of dinner options

for that evening's meal.

Oh, my God.
Wow.

Be still, my beating heart.

OK, I think the first thing I want
to know is how does your wife...

Does your wife feel supported
or does she feel pushed around?

I think she quite likes it.
I think she... (STAMMERS)

"I've never asked her."
(LAUGHS)

"She will speak
when she is spoken to!"

(LAUGHTER)

"Now, fetch my slippers
and my pipe."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Is that the way it's done?

Look, it's been going on long enough

that I think it's a fair assumption
that she likes it.

Right, OK.
Do you have any favourites?

Like, are there any repeat features?
'Cause I know when I...

I think I have a similar situation
going on at home.

I'm, like, "Yep." I just...

It's basically
the same four things on rotation.

Or do you have an endless stream
of options?

It's funny because you...
I'm gonna be in trouble now.

(LAUGHS)

Your partner is working so hard

and you've just
let the cat out of the bag.

Look, I actually pride myself,
there's no repeat dishes.

Oh!

It's a new set of
four... four entirely new dishes

every... every menu.

You must have
very regular sexual intercourse.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I have a menu of things she'd
like to do in the bed. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Wow.
Is it printed? A printed menu, yeah?

Or is it just a sort of...

I get my calligraphy pen...
(LAUGHTER)

No, it's normally... It'd be
an email or a text, probably.

A blackboard that you do, like,

little flowers on the side
and everything.

ELLA: I love it, I love it.

What are some of the options
that you... that you...

Say one of the menus
right now for us.

The most recent one, for example,
if I can recall,

the four options were Syrian chicken
with a rice pilaf...

Oh, I'm feeling aroused!
(LAUGHTER)

Um, the next option would have been

veal saltimbocca
with seasonal greens.

Yum!

Hang on, what time
are you offering her these?

The menu normally gets sent out
at about 3:00pm or 4:00pm.

What were the other two things
on the specials?

The other two, pasta alla vodka.
Yum!

And the fourth option on the menu
was duck flautas.

Wow.

Right, that's a lot of food

that's being made from scratch
from 4:00pm onwards

that's in your fridge, obviously
had to be defrosted, ready to go.

That's a lot of food waste in
your house, I've got to imagine.

I will only make the one she chooses
and then I...

Yeah, but what about the other stuff
that she doesn't...

I haven't done any shopping
at this point.

Whatever she chooses will determine
what I buy from the shops.

So, you, on a daily basis,

you toddle off to the shops
to buy what your wife would...

It's an extraordinary thing,
isn't it? Like... (LAUGHS)

I almost feel like I need that
not to be true for my own...

..for my own relationship.
I know.

But is it? What is your gut
telling you? Is it true or a lie?

Every day.
Every day.

Not days that we're eating out.

It would happen four or five times
a week on the days we're eating in.

Yeah, that's incredible,

but you've had
a very similar experience,

except what do you think
about the...

I mean, your... your fella,

just, like the same
fuckin' four meals round and round.

"Oh, God, here it comes!"
Whereas he's saying...

And they're all beautiful. (LAUGHS)

Whereas he's saying different ones
every single time.

Does that stretch the plausibility
to breaking point?

That stretches the plausibility,
but, look,

I... I... I might not be
the perfect person for this show

because I'm very gullible.

I'm inclined to think it's true.

What about... What do you think?

Well, Chris is very verbose and he's
a very confident public speaker,

but I would have thought if
I were Chris and it was the truth,

I would have tried to put
a couple of ums and ahs in there.

A few red herrings.
But maybe that's against his, um...

I don't know. It sounds very...

I did put lots of ums and ahs in,

but the editor of this show
took them all out.

(LAUGHTER)

We've got true here.

Yeah, but now I'm second-guessing
because... I don't know!

Don't do that. Don't do that.
We've got nothing to lose.

I'm gonna go with true 'cause I
think Chris is an absolute gentleman

and, to me, it strikes me as
the sort of thing that he would do.

OK, well, I'm going with my team.
We're saying true.

I cannot wait to find out
what this is.

Chris Taylor,
is that the truth or a lie?

You're all invited
to my place for dinner.

That is true.
(CHIMING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I thought it would be!
Phew! Phew!

A lucky wife. You have a lucky wife
and I'm in the doghouse. Thanks.

It's true,
Chris really does issue his wife

with a menu of dinner options.

That is so impressive.

Alright, it's time for a break,

but first, what if I told you
that it's absolutely true

that one of
our six panellists tonight

was pulled off a plane in Germany
for having a gun in their luggage.

Who do you think that is?

I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?

(THEME MUSIC)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

Before the break, I told you that

one of our panellists
was pulled off a plane in Germany

for having a gun in their luggage.

The answer is...

..Ella Hooper.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
A replica gun, not a real gun.

Sweet little Ella Hooper.

The so-called gun
was actually a perfume bottle...

Mm-hm.
..in the shape of a gun.

The authorities
considered charging her

with being in possession of
a weapon of mass seduction,

but, in the end, let her go.

I love that story.
Alright, Denise, your turn.

Whatever! Um, so, um...
Pop your glasses on.

I'm not in... I'm not in
the nursing home, Chrissie.

I'm helping you!
I'm helping you, Scotty.

I got my biology teacher sacked

when I exposed him as a fraud.

Oof!
Mm!

Alright, Frank's team,
where are you starting?

I think the first thing
I want to know is,

how did you discover he was a fraud?

Well, I, um...
(LAUGHTER)

Because I was studying biology
at school

and I loved it.

In fact,
I was pretty darn good at biology

and, uh, so I would

ask questions of him.

What was his name?
Um...

(LAUGHTER)

You can't even remember his name,

even though it was
such an important incident?

Well, you see, I think it...

I think it was Mr Ryan.

But in fairness,
it's a long time ago.

Oh, alright, Chrissie!

Alright!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I'm gonna stop helping you.

It's almost fair to say you knew
more about biology than Mr Ryan.

Well, this is spot-on,
because I did.

OK, so, we've established
that you knew more than him.

Yeah.
But how did he get sacked?

Yeah.

Well...
(LAUGHTER)

..I was sitting in class

and the head nun, Sister Eileen,

was just chatting to us,

and I don't know why
I decided to stand up and say,

"I don't think Mr..." - possibly -
"..Ryan,"

um, "knows anything about biology."

And he happened to be walking past
the classroom when I said that,

and even though the door was closed,

he heard me say that.

Yeah.

And then did you go head-to-head

when you were confronted together
in the room?

Yes, he said...

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"You're a liar!"

Was he American?
Wow! (LAUGHS)

Yeah.
That's a new detail. He's American.

I forgot that bit.
Right.

He's American.
You went to school in Massachusetts.

So, he yelled at you,
"You're a liar,"

and then I assume that
the fact that he was the liar,

he was the fraud, must have come out.

Did it come out at that meeting?
Well... (STAMMERS)

Sister Eileen
escorted him out of the room

and we never saw him again.

Did he protest at all?
Did he say, "Come on, Eileen"?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

MATT: So... But, I mean,
it sounds like...

It sounds like he wasn't really, um,

fired for being a fraud,
though, was it?

It was more that he had
the interaction with you, right?

No.
CHRIS: Insubordination.

He was fired because he didn't know
anything about biology.

Denise, what was he?

What was he really
if he wasn't a biology teacher?

Tremendous... tremendous question.

(LAUGHTER)
Thank you. Thank you.

He was a truck driver.

(LAUGHTER)
Yes! OK.

Denise, did you ever find out

how a truck driver came to get
a job as a science teacher?

It was an all-girl Catholic school
at a time

when there was so much turmoil
in the Catholic Church.

Unlike today.
(LAUGHTER)

The biology teacher we had
had to leave suddenly.

She... she got pregnant.

CHRISSIE: Yes.
Who? Eileen?

Hang on, how does...
No!

No, no, the previous teacher.
Oh, right.

So, he did come on Eileen.

Oh!
Sorry.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

What's... I'm not following...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Come on Eil... Oh!

Do you know, was he...

Was he charged with a crime
or, like, did he end up being...

Did he go to prison or anything?

What, for the crime
of not knowing biology?

Well, pretending...
For being a fraud. No, I don't know.

It seems to me that
he's the innocent victim in this.

Like, the school was short.

They just had a biology teacher
who got pregnant.

She suddenly had to leave.

I assume he came to the school
and said,

"Look, I'm a truckie,
but I'll give it a go."

He never pretended to be
a biology teacher, did he?

Well, no, and here's
an interesting... Oh, no.

(LAUGHTER)

You've gotta...
You've gotta tell us now!

We have all been there!
We've all been there.

"Here's an interesting...
No, it's not."

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, Frank's team,
I reckon it's time for a guess.

I know Scotty quite well.
She is full of it, so...

(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that's true.

I mean,
I'm certainly leaning towards...

Well, what about...
Wh-what are you thinking?

There's details
that make me think it's true

and then there's bits that
I have no idea what to make of.

Then there's the other 99%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(LAUGHS)
It's feeling like a lie.

It feels like a lie.
You feeling it's that?

Let's go.
That's what we're thinking.

But an interesting...

No, it isn't interesting, actually.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I think we're gonna say lie.

Denise Scott,
was that a truth or a lie?

Well...

..it's true.
(CHIMING)

Oh, my God!
ELLA: I knew it!

MATT: Whoa! She is!

Evil genius!
Yes, evil genius. She is.

It is true, Denise did get
her biology teacher sacked

after she exposed him as a fraud.

He was indeed a truck driver.

Stephen, you are up next.

Alright, I am next, aren't I?
(LAUGHS) Here we go.

My wife and I invented a game
called 'You've Been Honked'.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry, what's it called again?

'You've Been Honked'.

Tell us the rules
of 'You've Been Honked'.

My wife and I will wa...

..will walk
down the road together often

and a stranger will come past us

and we will say...

One of us will turn to the other
and say, "Shall we?"

And the other one will say,
"We shall,"

and we...

Whoever says "Shall we?"
has to make eye contact

with a perfect stranger
walking past

and kind of nod at the same time
as saying, "Honk!"

(LAUGHTER)

Wow.

And if the person walking past

says anything like "Hello"
or "Hi" back, we get a point.

(LAUGHS) I like it.

And if they give you no reaction,
no points?

They get a point,
but they don't know.

They don't know
they're playing the game.

No.
OK, wait, wait, wait. Let's do it.

OK, alright.
I'm minding my own business...

OK. OK, ready?
Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Honk.

(ELLA LAUGHS) Yeah.

See, you got a point right there.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, it's... it's not
a classic game, is it?

It's... Milton Bradley have not
picked it up yet, but...

But I'm gonna be playing it
'cause it sounds like fun.

I was gonna say I'm gonna do that.
That's fun for me.

The name of the game
'You've Been Honked'

suggests to me that that's
some sort of catchphrase,

like, at some point in the game,
you'd say, "You've been honked,"

but no-one ever says that.

You never say to your wife,
"They got honked."

No.
MATT: Yeah, see? Exactly.

I think whoever has been honked
needs to be notified

otherwise you wouldn't be calling it
'You've Been Honked'.

You'd honk them and then call out
to them, "You've been honked."

It's like, "You got Punk'd."

No, it's... it's for
our own enjoyment. Um...

But why honked?
Why, of all the words, 'honk'?

'Cause it sounds a bit like 'hello'.

It sounds nothing like 'hello'.
(LAUGHTER)

It literally sounds
nothing like 'hello'.

But a little bit like 'hello'
or 'OK'. "Did they just say OK?"

No.
Or could it sound a bit like 'yo'?

Do people honk back?

No, no, I tell you,
I would love that to happen.

It hasn't happened,
but when people do say hello,

there is a special kind of magic
that happens inside yourself.

Absolutely.

I often do a thing
when I'm riding my bike

and if there's a car
going the other way, I'll just...

I'll go, um...

(LAUGHS)

Like that, just so they
feel like I've recognised them

and I know them, so they go...

(LAUGHTER)

So, we all have our little games.
Yeah, everyone's got a game.

It's a honking movement. Chris's
team, is it true or is it a lie?

I don't buy a word of this.
I don't buy a word of it.

I reckon it's true.
Oh!

ELLA: Oh!
Do you? Why do you think it's true?

Because, well,
I don't know Stephen well,

but I think he's the sort of guy
that would go, "Honk," you know?

And... and... and it being...
(LAUGHS)

None of us...
None of us are disputing that.

I agree Stephen is the sort of guy
who'd probably go, "Honk."

I just don't believe he does do it.

No, I do,
but I will go with the majority.

I don't know. Should we go
with Denise or with majority?

I... I believe that
he is not telling the truth,

only because I would expect
a pay-off to happen

and someone to say at some stage,
"You've been honked."

I agree.

Otherwise the name of the game

just doesn't make any sense
whatsoever at all.

I agree.

If it is true, it's a deeply
depressing state of affairs

that that's
the most entertaining thing

him and his wife can think of to do.

So...
(LAUGHTER)

So, on that basis -
and I really hope it's not true -

we're going to say lie.

It's a lie? Is that a lie or a truth,
Stephen Curry?

It is...

..the truth.
(CHIMING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

No!
You owe Mrs Curry an apology.

I'm sorry.
No!

It's true!

Stephen and his wife did invent
a game called 'You've Been Honked'.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be back with more
Would I Lie To You? after the break.

(THEME MUSIC)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

And our next round is called
This Is My...,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Frank's team

will claim it is them that has the
genuine connection to the guest.

It's up to Chris's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome
this week's guest, Lizzy.

(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Stephen, what is Lizzy to you?

Well, this is Lizzy, and between us,
we devised an ingenious crime

involving a 4-litre
tub of ice-cream.

Ella, who is Lizzy to you?

This is Lizzy, she cold-called me
to sell me pet insurance

but we ended up having
such a great conversation

that I took the plunge
and asked her to be my friend.

I love that.

And, Frank, who is Lizzy to you?

This is Lizzy, and... or, as
she's also known, Lady McDeath

because she absolutely flattened me

the one and definitely only time
I ever played roller derby.

So, there we have it.

Is Lizzy
Stephen's ice-cream accomplice,

Ella's pet insurance pal,

or Frank's rambunctious
rollerskater?

Chris's team, why don't you ask
Stephen some questions first?

Yes, let's start with
the ice-cream heist.

What were the circumstances?
Where were you?

Ah, OK, so we're... we're besties.

Um, and, ah, we've been friends
since we were very little kids.

And we were 10 years old

when we bought this
4-litre tub of ice-cream,

and went down to the beach
and had a lovely time eating it.

But when you're 10, you can't
eat two litres of ice-cream.

It'll... it'll kill you.

S-s-so we got about halfway through,

and it was either,
um, ah, Lizzy or me

who came up with
the, ah, ingenious idea

of filling the ice-cream
back up with sand,

ah, putting the lid on,
cleaning it off

and just, you know, sneaking it
back into the freezer at Woolies.

ELLA: Whoa.
CHRIS: No!

So not for you to get a refund,

saying, "We don't
want this anymore."

It was more, "We've had enough.
Now we wanna play a prank."

Now we wanna, basically,
ruin some family's day,

um, by, you know, buying the thing,
taking it home

and... and making
all the children cry.

I wonder how far
they pushed on, like...

"This is the worst ice-cream."
Yeah, yeah.

It was... Do you know what...
What flavour?

I was... it was, um,
spearmint, ah, pepperm...

It was green with choc chips in it,
and we did spew,

and it... that's... that's
really pretty

when you see that on the sand.

We did not put that back
into the ice-cream.

Oh, so... so you're not
a complete monster.

No, no, no. No. No.

Did you ever stay around
for the pay-off of the stunt?

Like, did you sort of hide out
in the freezer section,

waiting for someone to purchase
this tub of ice-cream?

That's actually a good point -
um, we should...

There's almost no point
doing it unless you get the pay-off.

That's right, um...

So Lucy and I should've actually
thought about that, shouldn't we?

But anyway, it's alright.
Did you just say "Lucy and I"?

MATT: Didn't you just say 'Lucy'?
Lizzy and I...

(LAUGHTER)
MATT: OK.

I did not say 'Lucy'.
Alright.

Did you hear him call her Lucy?

I heard 'Lucy'.
AUDIENCE: Yes.

What are you guys doing?
You guys are meant to be...

I'm gonna get you out of this.
OK.

So, Ella, you say that Lizzy called
you trying to sell you pet insurance?

The cold call,
I was not expecting it.

Pet insurance,
I'd never heard of it.

Ah, I was caught a bit off-guard.

I have had one pet in my life. RIP.

Beautiful little dog called Bronte
who got bitten by a snake

when... when I was growing up
in the country.

I told Lizzy that, and she said,
"I'm also from the country."

We had a lot of things in common
and we just hit it off.

And, ah, at the end...

I mean, I wasn't gonna take
the pet insurance.

I was like, "Don't want that,
don't need that,

"but I don't really want
this conversation to end.

"This has been, like,
a real good one.

"Here's my number."

I've... I've never done telemarketing
or any sort of cold call...

Oh, I have, I have.
OK.

Because my assumption is when you do
that, you're kind of on the clock,

and that a sale is a commission

and that you're not there
to make chitchat.

If the minute you heard the person
on the other end of the line

is not interested
in what you've got to sell,

you'd hang up to move on
to the chance of another sale.

Is that correct?
Look, that's not entirely correct.

'Cause you do get very bored,

getting, you know,
hung up on and abused

and so you do think,
"Alright, I'm gonna..."

If you have a nice conversation,
you have a nice conversation.

It's all about
customer relationships,

so you can justify a lengthy,
kind of, conversation.

So it's possible that poor old Ella
just thinks she's her friend.

And she's... Yeah.
She's playing the long game.

Going, "I didn't get her now..."
I'm having a lightbulb moment.

"..but in four years time,
I'm gonna sell her that insurance."

I'm having a lightbulb...
But I thought we were friends!

You bitch!

How many dogs does Lizzy have?

Um, just... I believe just one
but they do seem to come and go

because she does that fostering
thing where you can...

I'm sorry about
the bitch comment earlier.

You're lovely.
You know, just a good Sam...

Lizzy's just a beautiful person,
like that's my kind of person.

I think I'm gonna ask Lizzy
to be my friend.

Exactly! That's what happened!

I love it, it's very believable.
Shall we move on?

Alright, Frank, who is Lizzy to you?

Well, Lizzy, or also known
as Lady McDeath,

she completely flattened me
the one time I played roller derby.

CHRIS: Where did you
play roller derby?

At the roller...
the roller derby rink.

And how did you come to be
on the team? Like...

Yeah, no, I went to, um, to-to watch
my niece Cami play.

Yeah.

And, ah, on that day,
there was, ah...

Only six of her-her-her
players turned up.

It was gonna have to be called off.

And then Cami said, "Is there
anybody who wants to play?"

And just stupidly, I just...
Sometimes I do that.

I just go, "I'll play. I'll play.

"How hard could it be
to play roller derby?"

So you had your roller skates
with you,

just assuming that
someone might not turn up,

and these women would ask you?

Well, what-what happened
at that point was... was we said,

um, "Oh, I didn't bring my...
I didn't bring any skates."

Um, unfortunately we'd be able
to find some other skates

if we were somewhere like
a roller skating rink.

Remind me of the rules
of roller derby, please.

Well, it's a great game, um...

There's six balls.
No, there's no... Um...

The basic thing is there's one
of the players from each side -

it's a very weird game -
has a star on their helmet.

I don't know, I think you call it
a jammer or racer or a pusher...

Jammer.
Jammer, is it?

I just said that 'cause you said it.
Let's go with jammer.

And whoever's the first jammer out
the front, with the star on the...

..if they make a lap all the way
back, they... you get a point.

That's how you score, basically.

So I... All I had to do
was be a... a blocker.

But then their jammer, which is,
um, Lizzy, she got through.

And I found myself in this position
where I was the person

who was gonna be able
to stop her making a lap.

And all I remember is her...

You know that weird thing skaters do

where they just get
really into the thighs?

Yeah, yeah.
It's all about the thighs, you know.

And she comes around the... And
she's going really, really fast.

And I'm thinking,

"I've just gotta put my body
between her and the finish line."

And as she came around, like,
she actually started to slow down,

and I thought, oh, this is, I think
she's being nice to the old guy.

But then I realised, no, it's all
just going into slow motion

because she was actually
speeding up.

Right.

And the next thing -
because I'm quite tall,

she's getting down low
with those thighs -

right in, under my centre
of gravity, I swear,

like feet over... som...
like a somersaul...

..a three-quarter back somersault
onto my face.

Landed in the only place where
there isn't a helmet on my head.

You know, it was...
Ooh, she's good.

She flattened me.

Alright. Gosh, three great stories
but we do need an answer.

So, Chris's team, is Lizzy
Stephen's ice-cream accomplice,

Ella's pet insurance pal,

or Frank's rambunctious
rollerskater?

It's very rare that I say this

but I have a feeling there might be
some truth to Frank's.

I... I was thinking the same,
but I kind of believe all of them -

I think they've done
a very good job.

I don't believe Ella at all.
I'm writing Ella off.

I don't believe Stephen,
to be honest.

I don't believe anyone would do

a reverse robbery
on 4 litres of ice-cream.

And not hang around for the pay-off.
Yeah.

So, Stephen's out, I think.
Stephen... OK.

I think we can eliminate Stephen.
OK, Stephen's out.

Are you happy to eliminate Ella?
I do not believe that for a second.

So I think that means
we're gonna say Frank.

You're going with Frank.

Alright, Lizzy, this is
your time to shine.

Please reveal who you are.

My name is Lizzy, and Stephen
and I carried out an ingenious...

(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

..crime involving
a 4-litre tub of ice-cream.

Ohhh!
This is our least favourite.

He called her Lucy.

She's me bestie, yeah.
Hey, very well done.

He called her Lucy!

See ya, Lizzy.

Was that a real misdirect
to call her Lucy?

It was.
Oh, you're kidding?

Oh, the actor!
Hey!

You're conniving, mate.

Yes, it's true,
Stephen and Lizzy did carry out

an ice-cream-based crime.

Time for a break. We'll see you soon
on Would I Lie To You?

(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You are watching Would I Lie To You,

the show that plays fast and loose
with the truth.

It's time for our next round,
Possession,

in which a mystery object may or may
not belong to one of our panellists.

It's up to the opposing team
to work out

whether the story
is a truth or a lie.

Denise, take a look under your desk.
There should be a box.

Yes.

Open up the box,
pop whatever's in it on the desk

and then read the card.

Ooh-la-la, Denise!
(WHOOPING)

Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Um... Oh.

This is a negligee given to me
by my partner, John.

It is the worst negligee ever.

Oh, no!
Ohh, no!

So that's...
Frank's team, questions, please.

So, certainly from looking at it,

when we first saw it,
we all went... (WHOOPS)

So it didn't feel like
the worst negligee.

It looked like a...
It looked quite lovely.

Is it the fit, the cut? What
makes it the worst negligee ever?

Well, because we were on a holiday
in... at the beach,

and we weren't staying...we were
staying in a shed in the backyard.

Um... And...
(LAUGHTER)

Who says romance is dead, guys?

Because there wasn't room
in the hou... Anyway.

And... So, this would've been, um...

Our kids were little,
they were in the shed as well.

And John had given me this, and...

And he-he'd given me this,
and, ah...

We waited till...
'Cause this was when y...

(LAUGHS) Just remem...

I just want everybody to remember,
she did this to us last time.

STEPHEN: Yeah, I know.
No, but these...

She tells the truth.
She did.

This is how she tells the truth.
Alright, well, um...

So we waited for the kids
to go to sleep.

And then, ah, John said,
"Do you want a massage?"

And then he started
massaging my back... and...

While you're wearing the...
While I'm wearing this.

And then he started...
he really started panicking

and going, "Scotty,
oh... oh, my God!"

And-and-and then I'm going,
"What? What?"

He's going, "Oh, my God!"

And then it started, um, ignit...
like sparks.

What?!
Oh?

Sparks were coming off th...
like, full-on sparks.

And then the kids woke
'cause I'm screaming,

"John, get it off me!
Get it off me!"

And the kids woke up
and started crying

because Dad's on top
of their mother.

But there's, like, sparks.
Sparks.

There's, like, flames, and
I'm screaming, "Get off. Get off."

J-just to test the veracity
of this claim,

would you mind if I wore it
and Frank massaged me

and we saw if it'd happen again?

Yeah, you can.
That is good.

You can.
Let's experiment. Absolutely.

OK, I've wanted to
get rid of it for years.

Wow. It's quite pretty.
Your nipples popped.

(CHEERING)
Stop it. Come on, come on, come on.

Stop it! (MOUTHS WORDS)

That's a good fit.

So, right, so you're saying that
it was at normal pace of a massage.

ELLA: This is like a weird dream.
That's correct?

And you said he was on you?
That's-that's correct.

Was he on top of you, or...
He would've been straddling me.

ELLA: I'll be the sleeping children.
Just pretty much... Yeah, that.

And then, Stephen, you're yelling,
"Get off me!"

Get off me!

Get off me!
Now see if you give me a zap.

Is that what it is?

Ella's got a good idea to see if
we've got any electrostatic shock.

How bad does it look from
the back here, what Frank's doing?

What are we doing?
That hand's moving very fast.

OK, that should be enough,
I wanna see if it...

Oh, OK.

Oh!
No, nothing.

No, nothing.
OK, get off.

Nothing.

That doesn't mean...
CHRIS: Doesn't mean anything.

That doesn't mean anything.
It's so old, this thing...

33 years it's been sitting in a
little box just hoping that one day

I'll lose 50 kilograms
and put it on again and off we go.

The fact we saw no sparks tonight
doesn't prove anything.

Because it's so old...
No, of course it doesn't.

..it's almost like all the sparks
have already come out of it.

Are you questioning the scientific
basis of our experiment we just did?

I'm... Oh, yeah.
How very dare you?

I am, Dr Curry.

It's feeling like you think that
Denise is telling the truth here.

What do you think, Frank?
I think it's a lie.

I think she's done
a very, very smart thing

of telling the lie
just like she's told her truth.

Yeah.
Exactly.

I'm gonna say it's...
Yeah, no, I think we're unanimous.

That's-that's a lie.
It's a lie?

Denise Scott, is that
the truth or a lie?

It is...

..true.
(CHIMING)

She's good.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)
Got ya!

Oh, my God!
She's done it again!

Now I feel bad. Can you take it
off me? Pull it that way.

What a great story.
Careful!

Careful!
I'm so sorry.

There-there you go. I'm sorry.
It's a beautiful piece of polyester.

CHRIS: And did it only do that once?
Oh!

Ooh, it's got the smell of curry.
(LAUGHTER)

Wow.
Alright, yes, it is all true.

And I reckon Denise has plenty
more stories about that negligee

that'd make your hair stand on end.

Oh-ho-ho!

Alright, it's time
for another break.

But before we do,
this is absolutely true.

One of our panellists was once
chased by a warthog in Botswana.

Who do you think it is?

I'll have the answer next
on Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(THEME MUSIC)

Catch up on all the comedy

on 10 play on demand.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

And before the break, we pondered
which of our panellists

was once chased by a warthog
in Botswana

and the answer is Matt.

Yeah. Terrifying.
So 'The Lion King' has lied to us.

They're not funny and
just kind of farty and...

No, they're killers.

Were you, like, going,
"Hakuna ma-fucking-tata"?

(LAUGHTER)

OK, now it's time to ramp up the pace
and play Quick Fire Lies.

Just a reminder,
the story on the card

could be completely familiar
to our panellists

or something they've never,
ever seen before.

Stephen, you are up first.

Oh, good. OK. Here we go.

Read us whatever is written
on your card.

Alright, whenever I go out to dinner
to an Indian restaurant,

I try to get a discount

by showing the manager the surname
on my driver's licence.

Which of course is 'Curry'.
(LAUGHTER)

Um...

Chris's team, where do we start?

How long have you been doing this?

Ah, far too long, clearly.

Um, I, um...

I'm not Indian.

Um...
No.

I think... I think we agree
that's true?

Just so you know.
We all agree that's true?

But I do quite like
an Indian restaurant and...

Yeah, I-I...

It's never worked, I'm gonna say.

I've never actually got
the discount.

It's never worked and yet
you still continue to do it

every single time you go
to an Indian restaurant?

I wouldn't say it doesn't work.

My friend Bobby Tortellini
reckons it works all the time.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, it's... it's...

Look, look, my wife hates it. Um...

I embarrass her
in many, many different ways

and this is just one of them
and it's just...

I mainly do it kind of just
to annoy my wife.

Stephen, can I ask about
your morals in general?

Oh, they don't exist.

Because, you know,
are Indian restaurants the places

where you wanna... really
wanna get a cheaper meal?

Aren't they already quite cheap?

Uh, well, they are, but,
um, you haven't met my father,

Neville Curry.

Um, he is the world's
biggest tight-arse

and he's taught me that you...

..wherever you can try and get
a discount, you get a discount.

So, um, yeah. Like I say...

If that was true, wouldn't
he have named all the kids

Vindaloo, um, Shahi Paneer?

Yeah.

My sister, Butter Chicken,
is in the audience.

Um...

Ah, but anyway, so it became this
thing where I started to think,

"How can I actually make money
out of my name?"

And I figured
the best place to start

was to try and get cheap
or free pappadums.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Well, hold on. You...
I thought you just...

Particularly when they usually give
free pappadums.

Just need more.
Not always.

You haven't been to
my Indian restaurant, mate.

Um, no. Yeah.

It's... it's a sickness,

but it's one that
I-I-I'm-I'm willing to wear.

What doesn't add up is that you...
How long have you been doing it for?

Oh, it's only been
the last few years.

Few years? It's never worked
and yet you keep persisting?

It's only been a few years, mate.
You know what I mean? Like... I...

But, I mean, surely you're going to
the same restaurant most of the time?

Nah. I don't.

We-we like to frequent many
different Indian restaurants.

Because...
(LAUGHTER)

Because once you've tried it once
in one, you wanna mix it up.

And also the audacity,
the audacity, Chris,

of you taking that position

'cause I recently went to buy some
customised formal menswear with you

and you said,
"Check out my surname."

Didn't you? You tried
the same thing. So...

(LAUGHTER)

Stephen, can I ask you?
Yes.

How do you broach the topic
of the discount?

Because I don't know about you,

but I would rather die
than ask for even 1% off.

I'll pay more than is necessary
to avoid that awkward conversation.

It's almost like you don't wanna
show too many people you're doing it

and it's just... you just slide
the card over and they'll say,

"That will be, you know, $48"

and I say, "Or... or will it?"

(LAUGHTER)

And they say, "Yes, it will."
They say, "Yes, it will."

They say, "Actually, it's $65."

And I say, "Absolutely. No worries."

There's a lot of information
on an ID card.

I don't know if just
sliding it across...

Like I...

Do you actually sort of underline
'Curry' on the card?

No. I-I push it forward.
I say, "Or is it?"

And look at them
and they look at me.

And I go...

CHRIS: Do you know...

ELLA: That's good.

No wonder it's never worked.
They just think you're a weirdo.

They're like, "Why is he showing
his ID to pick up curry?"

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Alright, we need an answer.

Chris's team.
Well, what do we think?

I can believe Stephen's marriage
is sufficiently stale that...

(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, you've met...

It may need spicing up.
You've met my wife. She's...

I'm batting above.
You've met my wife.

She's gorgeous.
She knows she's been sold a furph.

Yeah. All that said, I...

I don't know if I think it's true.

I'm finding it
a little bit hard to believe.

Although I do buy the fact

that he was, um, doing it to,
you know, frustrate his wife.

Yeah.
I'm-I'm heading towards lie.

Because...
Well, it's just so appalling.

If it's true,
he's an awful human being.

To want the whole meal?

I think that's a bit unfair
that it's appalling.

It's just a cheeky little bit of
a running joke with his wife to...

No, in an Indian restaurant,
isn't it?

Yeah, it'd be fine to go
to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant

and pull some shit like this,
but he's gone to the...

Yeah. My wife is going to leave me.
I mean, let's be honest about that.

Answer. What's your answer?

Alright, lie.
You're thinking lie.

You're thinking lie?

I'm going to go team lie.
Let's go lie.

We'll say... We're gonna say lie.
We're going with lie?

Stephen Curry, is that the truth
or is it a lie?

It is a lie.
(CHIMING)

Ohh! Phew!
(APPLAUSE)

Well done, team.

You'd be an appalling
human being if...

I'm still a bad guy. I'm still a...

I just want to clarify,
I'm still a bad guy.

You're a bad guy but you're not
an irritating tight-arse,

which is good to know.

Alright, time for a break. We'll see
you soon on Would I Lie To You?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC)

Welcome back to Would I Lie To You?

And we are in the middle of the round
we call Quick Fire Lies.

Alright, Ella. Your turn.

OK. Here we go.

Every time I stay in a hotel,
I check the kettle for human poo.

(LAUGHTER)

CHRIS: Um...
I love this.

Alright, Chris's team, go for it.

I don't think we need any questions.

I mean, that's a... a very sensible
course of action.

It's a statement of fact.
Ella, what's the origin of this?

What was the incident that
has compelled you to do this

every time you go to a...

It was a very bad coffee,
that's what it was.

Well, I have basically been
a touring musician since age 15.

Stayed in some really unsavoury
places along the way.

And often you stay
in places repeatedly.

Like the same hotel in the same town
all around Australia, for example.

I know certain hotels
like the back of my hand

and so do other touring bands.

This is the thing.

Like, there's a bit of a circuit
that bands do

and bands do weird things.

It's a rock poo you're checking for?
So I think it's a rock'n'roll...

Is it like a greeting card?
Yes.

A turd in the kettle.

Denise, exactly.
Oop! Oop!

Tim Rogers has been here.

(LAUGHTER)
Exactly!

I think, you know, I heard stories
about this sort of thing

when I first came into
the rock'n'roll sort of fraternity.

Um, and I thought,
"Surely that cannot be true."

Then I heard it from another person.
Then I heard it from another person.

And I started just checking
the kettle just in case.

So it's entirely all hearsay.

You've never personally
stumbled on a poo in a kettle?

I have not seen a human poo
in a kettle,

but I've met people
who make me think it's true.

(LAUGHS)
FRANK: Isn't there a story...

And it's one of...

That's one of those things

where I will now forever search
in kettles for turds.

Exactly.
And not just in hotel rooms.

Next time I go to Harvey Norman,
I'm gonna look at every kettle.

All of the kettles.

But I do feel like it's almost
like the Golden Ticket, the Wonkas.

Like, "Is it? Is it? It is!"
You get a prize!

I'm just... Ah...

Is it only me trying to visualise...

MATT: Yes. Yes.
I'm trying not to visualise.

..someone trying to poo
into a kettle?

I find it hard enough
to fill kettles with water.

You know in these hotel... You
don't even know where the lid is.

To get an actual turd
in one of those things

would be near impossible.

Time for a guess.

Is this a truth or a lie, guys?

What are you thinking?

(GROANS) I'm gonna go...

It sounded like you were gonna do
a poo then.

If you think...

Someone get a kettle.
Wait. Here we go.

No, that's...
I get a lot louder than that.

(LAUGHTER)

Ah... I reckon it's true.

What are you thinking?
I...

I'm leaning towards true.

I mean, this is someone
who is very experienced

of that hotel life and I think...

There's a very f...

I just wanna add in,
there is a very famous photo

of Dame Nellie Melba
doing a shit on a stove.

(LAUGHTER)

A painting, I think it is.
An etching.

Where?

I think we can all have
a sufficiently low estimation

of the Australian music industry
that they might do this.

Yeah.

Where it sort of falls down for me
is that they don't know

who the next guest
in the hotel room's gonna be.

Like, it would be
an appalling thing to do

if Ella Hooper wasn't the next guest

and it was just Denise Scott,
for instance.

Why?
Why?

It'd be a marvellous surprise!

Why is it good for Ella
to find a poo?

Do you mean you're pranking
your friend as opposed to...

You'd only do that if you knew
the audience for your prank.

That's why I'm leaning lie.

But you're both thinking truth?
I think it's... I think it's true.

Yeah. I think it's true.

True.

You don't have to go with your team.

I wouldn't dare go against Denise.

(LAUGHTER)

Ella Hooper,
is that the truth or is it a lie?

It is...

..the truth.

(CHIMING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yeah! We are doing well.

See, now we're all gonna be
checking our kettles.

Scarred.
It is true.

Ella always checks hotel kettles

to see if someone's done
their business in them.

So if you ever enter a hotel room
and see steam coming out of a kettle,

it hasn't necessarily just boiled.

I've got a confession.

Oh, no!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

There was a time I couldn't get
the toilet door open.

(BUZZING)
Oh!

That noise means time is up.

It's the end of the show
and I can reveal

that tonight's winner is...
Chris's team.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well done, guys.

But it's not just a team game.

My individual player of the night
is Denise Scott.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

DENISE: Thank you.

That's it for Would I Lie To You?

Thank you so much for watching.
Goodnight.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC)

Captions by Red Bee Media