Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Episode #9.4 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie to You?
The show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight -
a comedian who's been all over
the world, from Australia to
the United States. In fact,
the only place he hasn't been is a
hair dresser's. It's Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
And a woman who, when she was
at university, earned a first-class
degree in Romantic poetry.
I must tell her the one I wrote -
'There once was a man
'from Nantucket who's...'
Another time. It's Germaine Greer.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's the host of Pointless,
one of BBC's most popular tea-time
shows, or as students call it,
breakfast television.
It's Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
And a footballer who played for
Nottingham Forest, Newcastle United,
Spurs, Aston Villa and QPR.
Meaning he was either
hugely in demand or couldn't get
on with anybody.
It's Jermaine Jenas.
APPLAUSE
And so we begin with round one -
Home Truths - where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Richard, you're up first tonight.
Last year, at a party...
I shared a Jacuzzi with
three of the Eggheads.
LAUGHTER
David Mitchell's team.
Which...which three Eggheads?
Ah, it was Barry...
LAUGHTER
I know, right? Kevin...
..and Chris.
Are The Eggheads only allowed in
a Jacuzzi for three minutes?
LAUGHTER
What was the party?
Well it was...all of the sort of
quiz shows together.
We were doing a big photo shoot,
and it was us,
and by us I mean Pointless.
It was Eggheads, The Chase
and, like, Fifteen to One.
How did you get all them in?!
Just out of interest, who
initiated the Jacuzzi-ing?
There had been photographs
earlier, and then
later in the evening people
were jumping in of their own accord.
- Right, OK. - What was the
photo shoot for?
Radio Times, TV Times, one of those.
So the concept for the photo was
three Eggheads and you in a Jacuzzi.
What were the...what were
the Fifteen to One-ers
and the Chasers doing?
We were doing all sorts
of photographs,
drinking champagne, Jacuzzi.
It was supposed to be, you know...
decadence and all
this kind of stuff.
The concept was decadence
in the quizzing community.
I think it was...champagne,
chocolates, just being
decadent, I think, yes.
- Chocolates in a Jacuzzi? - Not IN a
Jacuzzi, we hadn't gone mad! - Sort of
a box of Black Magic bobbing by?
I think photographing a lot of people
from different quiz shows
in a ridiculously kind of
opulent setting
is the sort of idea that a
listings magazine might have.
For example, for the last
series of this they had us sitting
round a table pretending to play
poker and pulling loads of faces.
- Yes. - It's the kind of stunt that
they do, rather than just
having a normal photograph and then
a note of when the programme is on,
which is all you need.
I rather enjoyed the poker photo.
It was a lovely opportunity to spend
time with you and Lee
out of this environment. But never
mind, if you weren't happy...
To be honest with you, Rob,
I also had a terrible time.
LAUGHTER
Right, it's time to
make your mind up.
What way are you leaning, Alan?
I don't think it's true.
I can see the photo shoot, but I
just can't see him in a Jacuzzi.
Continuing to party at the end
of a photo shoot is certainly not...
It's not something we considered,
was it, Lee, at the end of the...
the aforementioned poker?
Literally, as he put
the cap on the end of the camera
like that, we were in the taxi,
weren't we? Yeah.
I remember as we drove off,
winding the window down and hearing,
IN WELSH ACCENT:
"It's my round, lads."
LAUGHTER
"It's my round!"
"Get your head down, he's looking."
Rob... Yeah. Rob sent me the end
of his anecdote in five long texts.
So, Germaine, what do you think?
IN A SING-SONG TONE:
I'm going to say...
- Is this a musical?
- False. False.
You're saying a lie.
You think it's a lie?
- A lie. A lie. - So you both think it's
a lie? - Yeah. - We'll say lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK, so, Richard - Jacuzzis,
photo shoot, truth or lie?
It is...
- lie. - GERMAINE: Wahey.
Yes, it's a lie.
Richard didn't share a Jacuzzi
with three of the Eggheads.
Germaine Greer, your turn.
Whenever I travel by tube, I look
around the carriage to decide who
I'd eat first if we were a group of
people stranded on a desert island.
LAUGHTER
- Lee. - Wow.
I hope this isn't true, Germaine.
Although we are now all doing it.
And I think we all know what
we're thinking.
Yeah. Yeah, it's not going to
end well for me.
Thing about you is you could eat you
and make a raft out of the bones.
LAUGHTER
So, Germaine, is this a thing you
only do on the tube?
Well, you know how...
I mean, you can sit on the tube,
stupefied with boredom
and ask yourself what everyone would
look like undressed, and that is
just so, so depressing a thought
that I've started to work variations
on this theme, and thinking,
you know, who looks...toothsome.
Toothsome?
Yes. Who would you like to
sink your teeth into?
I thought looking toothsome meant
you had a lot of teeth.
- Well, you thought wrong.
- Really? Did I, really?
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
How do you make the judgment call,
then? Is it just the fattest or...?
No, it's not just the fattest,
- cos they're probably the least
interesting. You might decide...
- "Interesting"? Interesting?
- Don't know about interesting....
- Well, because it's just lard.
Unfortunately, it's positively
correlated with youth.
- So you like the idea of
eating youth? - Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER
Imagine, Germaine,
we're all on the tube together.
Hang on, she's eyeing me up.
She's fully eyeing me up.
In which order do you eat us?
Well, Jermaine is quite right,
he has to go first.
He's the fittest.
- That's an assumption.
- RICHARD: Whoa.
Thank you very much.
So you're starting with,
with Jermaine. All right,
we'll allow you that.
Who do you turn to next?
I think it would probably
be Alan next.
It's hard to know if it's a
compliment or not, isn't it? I know.
Do you remember that feeling
at school when you were lined up
and they were picking
the football team?
And the only thing you can think
was, "I better not be last."
It's happening again!
So you've had Jermaine and Alan.
Who do you go to next?
- Ah, David, I think. - Thank you.
It does feel like
an honour, doesn't it?
It does. I'm very proud to
finish in the top half of the table.
Why would you go to... Why, for
Lord's sake, would you go to
David before me?
To a lesser extent Lee,
and Richard? Why?
I think Richard would be a bit
difficult to handle, to manage.
LAUGHTER
So you've go the three of us
left - who's next?
It would be a matter of
how one cooked you.
LAUGHTER
Crackling is what comes to mind.
I don't know if she's insulting me
or praising me.
Everybody loves crackling,
if it's made properly.
Yes, I like that.
So it's me next, is it?
Well, yes, maybe. Look,
this is getting out of hand,
I'm afraid I'm full already.
I'm not even hungry any more.
Take it a little more
seriously, please.
So you're left now...you're left
with the two stragglers,
you've been pushing them
round your plate, you really don't
want to know. It's Lee and
Richard, who do you go to next?
I can't help thinking at this point
I'd have probably got off the tube.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
ALAN: Once she started
eating people!
So who is last, just to be sure?
For when I get the t-shirts printed.
I thought I'd...
I thought I'd spared Richard.
You spared Richard cos you think
he's too big, so Lee.
- Let him go. - Lee is technically last,
excellent. So...
Lee is last, but you
refuse to eat Richard at all.
So what do you think?
Very detailed about what...
She knew.
When she looked into your eyes and
said, "I'd like to eat you first."
I saw. Yeah, I told you, the eyes
told me. Yeah. "You're going."
You felt true.
To be honest with you,
in the make-up room
before, I was like...
Things are coming back
to me now, actually, yeah.
Yeah, cos she was,
she was basting you, wasn't she?
LAUGHTER
- So what's it going to be?
- What do we think, Richard?
Well, I think... Well,
just look in her eyes, it's so true.
- So you both think it's true?
- Yeah. - I think it's a lie.
- Oh, do you? - Yeah. I'll go with
the majority cos I'm weak.
OK, you're going to say true.
Germaine, truth or lie?
- Lie. - No!
Yes, it was a lie all along.
Our next round is
called This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who is telling the truth.
So please welcome this
week's special guest, Wally.
APPLAUSE
So, Germaine Greer,
what is Wally to you?
Oh, this is Wally.
He's the crane driver
who once let me
sit in his cabin,
50 feet above my house.
Alan, how do you know Wally?
This is Wally,
and during one of his driving
lessons, I crashed into the Co-op.
And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Wally?
This is Wally, and he intervened
when I got into a whispered row
with a woman in a library.
LAUGHTER
So, there it is. Lee's team,
where do you want to start?
Wally's got the top half of Alan's
face and the bottom half of David's.
LAUGHTER
I think you'll find Germaine's got
those in her fridge.
APPLAUSE
OK, well, let's start with Alan.
When was this?
I was 17.
Sorry, this was a lesson or a test?
It was the day before my test.
I'm in a Mini,
and Wally's with me,
helping me learn.
- Oh, he wasn't the instructor?
- He's not a driving instructor.
Oh, OK, so he's your mate.
Right, and what caused
you to go into the Co-op?
Um I just...
I didn't stop.
It pulled out in front of me, Lee.
Talk us through the incident, then.
It's where I grew up.
I grew up in Essex
and it was the biggest
supermarket in Europe.
- The Co-op? - The Co-op.
- Which town was that in? - In Loughton,
where I... That's where I grew up.
Oh, the Loughton Co-op,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the only supermarket
seen from space.
LAUGHTER
But it's hard to spot
if you're driving.
- Did you scrape it or did you go
bang into it? - No, straight into it.
Into a window or a wall?
The wall. Instead of braking,
I accelerated.
How much damage
did you do to the car?
Well, it wouldn't go.
- Really, it was that bad? - Yeah.
I can't get over the hair,
they've gotta be mates.
They come from that town
where that is the hair.
How did the manager of the Co-op,
who came out with presumably
the same hairstyle...
How did he react?
Maybe Alan tried to
blame Wally, pointed,
but there was like 20, 30 blokes
and you had to work out
where Wally was.
LAUGHTER
So the manager came out,
and what was the response?
I don't remember anyone coming out.
The car has gone into the wall
of the Co-op
and everything just carries on?!
Did you have to put
a pound into the back to release it?
LAUGHTER
All right, so who would
you like to speak to next?
Germaine, what was the crane doing?
I presume there was building
work going on?
It was to do with
an electricity substation.
So he was doing some work...
The crane was there for a few days
before I actually approached him
and asked him
if I could go up in the cabin.
And when I first asked him,
he was distinctly un-keen.
When you say you asked him,
where was he? Or did you shout,
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"Can I come up to your cabin?"
LAUGHTER
"I wanna sit on your crane
in your cabin.
"Come on, don't be a dingo,
let me in your cabin."
- Was that the thrust
of the conversation?
- He'd come down off the crane.
Oh, he was already down, ready to go
home and you grabbed him and went,
"Get up there, mate."
And so I asked him again if I could
nip up and have a look at a...
And did he go up with you?
No, well, the thing is,
he didn't really wanna do it,
so I did my best to persuade him.
How did you persuade him?
What, you put a white hanky
over his mouth and suffocated him?
You said, "Smell that,"
and he woke up in the cabin.
"Ahhh, let me out,
I'm going to tell the police."
He would have had to be dragged
up unconscious. I couldn't have done
that. Let me just say that...
It was only the practicalities that
stopped her from doing it.
Let me simply say that
money changed hands.
And how much did he have to pay you?
LAUGHTER
So did you both go up to the cabin?
He said I had to go first,
just in case I missed my footing.
Oh, and he went up right behind you?
- Not right behind.
- Wally, you pervert!
LAUGHTER
OK, so you're up in the crane,
is there room for two people
in those things?
- Barely. It was...
- So it was intimate?
- Not really, but it was
uncomfortable.
- You can't have it both ways.
You certainly can't have it both
ways in that, it's too small.
Have some respect for
Germaine Greer.
So sorry about my friend.
It was pretty cramped, but he showed
me how you use the controls.
You're telling me now that
you actually had a go of it?
No, I didn't have a go of it,
but I... Well, I can use
a digger and an excavator
so I know how to balance
the two hands.
Well why, why do you know
how to use a digger?
Because I dig holes.
LAUGHTER
What about David?
David, can you remind me
of your statement?
This is Wally and he intervened
when I had a whispered row
with a woman in a library.
What was the row about?
It was about noise.
- Who started the row?
- Yeah, who started the row?
I... Well, I would say she started it
but the noise that it was about
was my responsibility.
I was in the loo.
- Was what? - What?
I was in the loo
when the noise happened
but the noise didn't
emanate from the loo.
It was my phone
made the noise
while I was in the loo.
Because it was on silent, but
it vibrated and sort of...you know.
- Where was it? You left it in the
library? - I'd left it on
the table by my...
Oh, you'd left the thing,
gone to the toilet. ..by my laptop.
So you'd come back from the toilet,
could you hear the... It's that
"nuhh" noise, yes? "Nuhhhh."
Yeah, well, that's...
Yes, I was in the toilet and...
And you heard the nuhhhhh?
No, no, I couldn't hear
that noise...
Oh, great, he's now doing
impressions of inanimate objects.
I thought he was doing me on
the toilet, sorry! Do your blender,
do your blender!
No, that's not you on the toilet,
no that's more of a...
IMITATING DAVID: "I wonder
how long I'll be here for?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So what happens next?
Well, I come out
of the toilet and she's immediately
incensed and comes up to me and has
a massive whispered go at me
about...What did she say?
She said, "I've been trying
to work in here and you've
"been making noise all the time
and now that phone has
"gone off two or three times!"
And I'm sort of going, "I'm sorry,
"I didn't realise that, I just left
it there in error, I'm very
"sorry, there's no need to take that
tone with me, though, madam.
"There's no need to be so rude,
I'll turn my phone off now.
"I'm sorry, but..."
"Nuhhhhh, nuhhhhh."
So this carries on for a few minutes
and then Wally, who works there,
comes up and has a word with us both
and says, you know,
"Be quiet and get on with your work."
OK, we do need an answer,
so Lee's team, is Wally Germaine's
crane companion, Alan's car crasher
or David's bookish buddy?
He's got a bit of library
about him, hasn't he?
He has got a whiff
of book about him.
He looks... That's my new
fragrance for Christmas.
LAUGHTER
If I had to choose,
I would say Alan.
What are you thinking, Jermaine?
The whispering argument, I can
actually...I can see it happening.
And I bizarrely think it
might be Germaine. Ah, brilliant.
OK, so Jermaine thinks it's David.
- Yes, I do. - I think it's Alan.
- You think it's Alan
and I think it's Germaine.
Let's say it's Germaine, then.
Jermaine has to pick?
Yeah, I think Jermaine
should say Germaine.
I'm handing the leadership
qualities over to Jermaine
- and letting him decide who it is,
providing he says Germaine.
- What are you saying, Jermaine?
We collectively think it's David.
No! No, we don't.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, you're saying David? OK.
So, Lee's team, after
a thorough democratic process
are settling on David.
Wally, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Wally and I was
teaching Alan how to drive
when he crashed into the Co-op
car park.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, Wally.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
..it's Lee.
After an incident last year,
I have a fear that
some of my neighbours think
I hunt ducklings.
LAUGHTER
- David's team.
- What was the incident?
Hang on.
Ah, got it.
So...I live by a river.
Yeah. That much is true.
- Mm-hm. - We know it's true because
we've both enjoyed an evening,
- one of his evenings at his house.
- We have, indeed.
You remember it, David, don't you?
Cos you and Rob both left
and then 10 minutes later
you snuck back, didn't you, David?
"He's gone. He's gone."
And I remember as
David drove off, going,
"I'll give you a lift, David.
"David! David!"
So, I live by the river. Yeah.
And there was a duckling
in the front of our house.
Let's call it the driveway.
Oh, right, right, yeah.
I didn't want to say driveway
cos I'll start making me
all showbiz that I've got a car.
Anyway, so there is the duckling,
right?
Which part of the driveway -
was it down by the gates
or where it sweeps up
around the lawn?
I don't know how it had got over
the moat, to be honest with you.
Actually a duckling would
be quite good at that.
I reckon I know how,
I've been thinking about it!
So this duckling on its own.
Yeah, so there's a duckling.
It's on the drive.
He's on the driveway,
this was the yellow fluffy variety.
Right. And so I decided
I must catch the duckling
and try and put it
back in the water. Yeah.
In the river. Why?
You mean, why have
I got a heart, David?
AS DAVID: "Why did you bother
about this non-human thing?" Yes.
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Why
didn't you eat it?"
So, yeah... No, duck is...
"Why don't you baste it,
fry it and shove it in your mouth?"
Are you saying that it...?
"Why didn't you?"
Sorry. Sorry, David.
Yeah, I mean, you could, you've had
enough time to invent anything now.
- Right. - So you see the
duckling on the drive. - Yes.
You pick up, what is this thing
that you're picking up? This?
Well, this is...
I have a big net in my house.
Right.
And so I see this duck
and I catch it
and I scoop it up so I've now
got a duck in the net. Oh, right.
And my plan was to look round
for lots of baby ducklings
and a sort of adult sized
duck going...
- And that was my plan. - Right.
- You did say the duckling was yellow.
Did I?
Yeah, what colour are
the ducks on the river?
RICHARD: Uh-oh. What?
Can we go into conference
for a moment?
Because the ducks on the river
are almost certainly mallards.
- Yes. - And their ducklings
are NOT yellow.
Yeah, but this wasn't complete,
this wasn't a pure mallard.
I don't care. Wrong.
Now, one of the most important
things not to do with ducklings
when you find them in the spring is
to touch them or handle them at all.
Oh, Lee. Lee...
- Because the mother
will reject them. - Yes.
I didn't handle him, I netted him.
Do you know why I didn't handle him?
Because the mother
would have rejected it.
APPLAUSE
So how far have you
walked at this point?
A long way because I couldn't find
any ducks and any ducklings.
So I'm now walking up and I have
noticed that people have passed me
and I've given them the,
"All right?" And they've gone...
"All right?" Like that.
It dawns on me after half a mile
they're going,
"I think..." This stretch of the
river which is famous for fishing.
"I think that weirdo has
been catching ducklings."
They think I've scooped one out,
cos it's a proper big fishing net
I've got. Right.
So I decided to go home,
ring up the RSPCB and...
- RSPCD. - B, I said. - D. P.
- It's the RSPB... - Oh, sorry, sorry.
- RSPB, you idiot. - Or the RSPCA.
You thought it was D, you weirdo!
Preventing cruelty to ducklings,
that's a very niche market.
"Oh, no, no, we're only goslings."
So what do you think, David?
Is he telling the truth?
I should point out that we did
find out that it was a goose.
So it was a bright yellow gosling.
It was bright yellow
and I thought it was a duckling
and it was actually a gosling.
- Goslings are bright yellow. - Are
they? - Mm. - OK, what are you thinking?
- The thing is, it's so heavily
embroidered, this story... - Yeah.
- But I think it's substantially true.
- Alan?
Well, throughout the story,
I thought it was complete nonsense.
Yes, I did throughout but then there
was something about him saying
they came back and they said
actually it was a baby goose
and it having been yellow,
that's tipped me into
thinking it might be true.
- I'm going to say true. - True? - Yeah.
OK. Lee, truth or lie?
It is in fact...
true.
APPLAUSE
Next...
It's Jermaine.
The night before the
biggest game of my career,
a team-mate woke me up by
practising his trumpet.
David's team.
I'm assuming that's not a euphemism.
What time was this?
12, 12.30, something like that.
So why were you cohabiting
with a trumpeter?
Now, just please, please
just use that as the trailer
and nothing else.
That's it, that's all we need.
It's not something that you ask,
is it?
I mean, "Are you a trumpeter?"
And, "Let's room together."
- I don't know, it was just...
- But he was from your team.
- He was, yeah, he was in my team.
- ALAN: What team was it?
When I was at Newcastle United.
So where were you?
- I was in a hotel. - A hotel. - Yeah.
- Where? - Erm, it was...
- ..in Newcas... - Think about
the other team you were playing
and it'll probably
be the same answer.
- Were you just about to say in
Newcastle? - It was in Newcastle, yeah.
Why would you be in a hotel
in your own home town?
Because we were playing
against Sunderland.
Oh, fair enough.
Sometimes the manager likes to
just keep the players together.
- Yes, I have heard of that.
- ALAN: Under lock and key.
- Who was the trumpeter?
- It was Nobby Solano.
Oh, Nobby Solano. He's from Peru.
What was he playing?
I can't help thinking if someone
wakes you up playing a trumpet
in your ear, you don't go,
"Oh, what is that? Is that...?
"No, no, no, don't tell me,
carry on playing. Erm...
"I'll get this."
It was something like those Mexican
kind of food adverts, like...
HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
More, more, more!
And you say this was Nobby Solero.
- Nobby Solano. - Nobby Solero
is a very adult ice cream.
APPLAUSE
So where is he trumpeting?
He was, like, kind of like
sat at the edge of his bed,
like this with a stand and...
A stand?!
He'd set up his...
Can I just say, if this is
a lie, don't push it, son.
Stand and a baton!
- He'd set up his music stand.
- Tunic, got a tunic and a hat on.
Strap under his chin.
Two, three, four...
HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
- And what was his excuse?
- That he's practising, that was it.
And did the conversation go further?
Did you say...?
Well I just said, you know,
"Put it away."
I dread to think...
And also stop playing the trumpet.
What do you think? I mean, I know
the world of football is not one
that you're overly familiar with.
Yes, but I am an expert
in nocturnal trumpeting so...
..you know, it balances out.
What do you think, Germaine?
It's certainly true that people
tolerate a lot of noise
- in South America, generally.
- OK, you think...?
ALAN: I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm going true. We'll go true.
OK, Jermaine, truth or lie?
It's...
- true. - Oh, wow. - Wow.
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal David's team
have five points
and Lee's team have nil.
APPLAUSE
But, of course,
it's not just a team game.
My individual liar
of the week this week
is Germaine Greer.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Germaine Greer, a feminist
who not only burnt her bra
but now her pants
are on fire as well!
- Goodnight.
- APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie to You?
The show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight -
a comedian who's been all over
the world, from Australia to
the United States. In fact,
the only place he hasn't been is a
hair dresser's. It's Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
And a woman who, when she was
at university, earned a first-class
degree in Romantic poetry.
I must tell her the one I wrote -
'There once was a man
'from Nantucket who's...'
Another time. It's Germaine Greer.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's the host of Pointless,
one of BBC's most popular tea-time
shows, or as students call it,
breakfast television.
It's Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
And a footballer who played for
Nottingham Forest, Newcastle United,
Spurs, Aston Villa and QPR.
Meaning he was either
hugely in demand or couldn't get
on with anybody.
It's Jermaine Jenas.
APPLAUSE
And so we begin with round one -
Home Truths - where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Richard, you're up first tonight.
Last year, at a party...
I shared a Jacuzzi with
three of the Eggheads.
LAUGHTER
David Mitchell's team.
Which...which three Eggheads?
Ah, it was Barry...
LAUGHTER
I know, right? Kevin...
..and Chris.
Are The Eggheads only allowed in
a Jacuzzi for three minutes?
LAUGHTER
What was the party?
Well it was...all of the sort of
quiz shows together.
We were doing a big photo shoot,
and it was us,
and by us I mean Pointless.
It was Eggheads, The Chase
and, like, Fifteen to One.
How did you get all them in?!
Just out of interest, who
initiated the Jacuzzi-ing?
There had been photographs
earlier, and then
later in the evening people
were jumping in of their own accord.
- Right, OK. - What was the
photo shoot for?
Radio Times, TV Times, one of those.
So the concept for the photo was
three Eggheads and you in a Jacuzzi.
What were the...what were
the Fifteen to One-ers
and the Chasers doing?
We were doing all sorts
of photographs,
drinking champagne, Jacuzzi.
It was supposed to be, you know...
decadence and all
this kind of stuff.
The concept was decadence
in the quizzing community.
I think it was...champagne,
chocolates, just being
decadent, I think, yes.
- Chocolates in a Jacuzzi? - Not IN a
Jacuzzi, we hadn't gone mad! - Sort of
a box of Black Magic bobbing by?
I think photographing a lot of people
from different quiz shows
in a ridiculously kind of
opulent setting
is the sort of idea that a
listings magazine might have.
For example, for the last
series of this they had us sitting
round a table pretending to play
poker and pulling loads of faces.
- Yes. - It's the kind of stunt that
they do, rather than just
having a normal photograph and then
a note of when the programme is on,
which is all you need.
I rather enjoyed the poker photo.
It was a lovely opportunity to spend
time with you and Lee
out of this environment. But never
mind, if you weren't happy...
To be honest with you, Rob,
I also had a terrible time.
LAUGHTER
Right, it's time to
make your mind up.
What way are you leaning, Alan?
I don't think it's true.
I can see the photo shoot, but I
just can't see him in a Jacuzzi.
Continuing to party at the end
of a photo shoot is certainly not...
It's not something we considered,
was it, Lee, at the end of the...
the aforementioned poker?
Literally, as he put
the cap on the end of the camera
like that, we were in the taxi,
weren't we? Yeah.
I remember as we drove off,
winding the window down and hearing,
IN WELSH ACCENT:
"It's my round, lads."
LAUGHTER
"It's my round!"
"Get your head down, he's looking."
Rob... Yeah. Rob sent me the end
of his anecdote in five long texts.
So, Germaine, what do you think?
IN A SING-SONG TONE:
I'm going to say...
- Is this a musical?
- False. False.
You're saying a lie.
You think it's a lie?
- A lie. A lie. - So you both think it's
a lie? - Yeah. - We'll say lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK, so, Richard - Jacuzzis,
photo shoot, truth or lie?
It is...
- lie. - GERMAINE: Wahey.
Yes, it's a lie.
Richard didn't share a Jacuzzi
with three of the Eggheads.
Germaine Greer, your turn.
Whenever I travel by tube, I look
around the carriage to decide who
I'd eat first if we were a group of
people stranded on a desert island.
LAUGHTER
- Lee. - Wow.
I hope this isn't true, Germaine.
Although we are now all doing it.
And I think we all know what
we're thinking.
Yeah. Yeah, it's not going to
end well for me.
Thing about you is you could eat you
and make a raft out of the bones.
LAUGHTER
So, Germaine, is this a thing you
only do on the tube?
Well, you know how...
I mean, you can sit on the tube,
stupefied with boredom
and ask yourself what everyone would
look like undressed, and that is
just so, so depressing a thought
that I've started to work variations
on this theme, and thinking,
you know, who looks...toothsome.
Toothsome?
Yes. Who would you like to
sink your teeth into?
I thought looking toothsome meant
you had a lot of teeth.
- Well, you thought wrong.
- Really? Did I, really?
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
How do you make the judgment call,
then? Is it just the fattest or...?
No, it's not just the fattest,
- cos they're probably the least
interesting. You might decide...
- "Interesting"? Interesting?
- Don't know about interesting....
- Well, because it's just lard.
Unfortunately, it's positively
correlated with youth.
- So you like the idea of
eating youth? - Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER
Imagine, Germaine,
we're all on the tube together.
Hang on, she's eyeing me up.
She's fully eyeing me up.
In which order do you eat us?
Well, Jermaine is quite right,
he has to go first.
He's the fittest.
- That's an assumption.
- RICHARD: Whoa.
Thank you very much.
So you're starting with,
with Jermaine. All right,
we'll allow you that.
Who do you turn to next?
I think it would probably
be Alan next.
It's hard to know if it's a
compliment or not, isn't it? I know.
Do you remember that feeling
at school when you were lined up
and they were picking
the football team?
And the only thing you can think
was, "I better not be last."
It's happening again!
So you've had Jermaine and Alan.
Who do you go to next?
- Ah, David, I think. - Thank you.
It does feel like
an honour, doesn't it?
It does. I'm very proud to
finish in the top half of the table.
Why would you go to... Why, for
Lord's sake, would you go to
David before me?
To a lesser extent Lee,
and Richard? Why?
I think Richard would be a bit
difficult to handle, to manage.
LAUGHTER
So you've go the three of us
left - who's next?
It would be a matter of
how one cooked you.
LAUGHTER
Crackling is what comes to mind.
I don't know if she's insulting me
or praising me.
Everybody loves crackling,
if it's made properly.
Yes, I like that.
So it's me next, is it?
Well, yes, maybe. Look,
this is getting out of hand,
I'm afraid I'm full already.
I'm not even hungry any more.
Take it a little more
seriously, please.
So you're left now...you're left
with the two stragglers,
you've been pushing them
round your plate, you really don't
want to know. It's Lee and
Richard, who do you go to next?
I can't help thinking at this point
I'd have probably got off the tube.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
ALAN: Once she started
eating people!
So who is last, just to be sure?
For when I get the t-shirts printed.
I thought I'd...
I thought I'd spared Richard.
You spared Richard cos you think
he's too big, so Lee.
- Let him go. - Lee is technically last,
excellent. So...
Lee is last, but you
refuse to eat Richard at all.
So what do you think?
Very detailed about what...
She knew.
When she looked into your eyes and
said, "I'd like to eat you first."
I saw. Yeah, I told you, the eyes
told me. Yeah. "You're going."
You felt true.
To be honest with you,
in the make-up room
before, I was like...
Things are coming back
to me now, actually, yeah.
Yeah, cos she was,
she was basting you, wasn't she?
LAUGHTER
- So what's it going to be?
- What do we think, Richard?
Well, I think... Well,
just look in her eyes, it's so true.
- So you both think it's true?
- Yeah. - I think it's a lie.
- Oh, do you? - Yeah. I'll go with
the majority cos I'm weak.
OK, you're going to say true.
Germaine, truth or lie?
- Lie. - No!
Yes, it was a lie all along.
Our next round is
called This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who is telling the truth.
So please welcome this
week's special guest, Wally.
APPLAUSE
So, Germaine Greer,
what is Wally to you?
Oh, this is Wally.
He's the crane driver
who once let me
sit in his cabin,
50 feet above my house.
Alan, how do you know Wally?
This is Wally,
and during one of his driving
lessons, I crashed into the Co-op.
And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Wally?
This is Wally, and he intervened
when I got into a whispered row
with a woman in a library.
LAUGHTER
So, there it is. Lee's team,
where do you want to start?
Wally's got the top half of Alan's
face and the bottom half of David's.
LAUGHTER
I think you'll find Germaine's got
those in her fridge.
APPLAUSE
OK, well, let's start with Alan.
When was this?
I was 17.
Sorry, this was a lesson or a test?
It was the day before my test.
I'm in a Mini,
and Wally's with me,
helping me learn.
- Oh, he wasn't the instructor?
- He's not a driving instructor.
Oh, OK, so he's your mate.
Right, and what caused
you to go into the Co-op?
Um I just...
I didn't stop.
It pulled out in front of me, Lee.
Talk us through the incident, then.
It's where I grew up.
I grew up in Essex
and it was the biggest
supermarket in Europe.
- The Co-op? - The Co-op.
- Which town was that in? - In Loughton,
where I... That's where I grew up.
Oh, the Loughton Co-op,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the only supermarket
seen from space.
LAUGHTER
But it's hard to spot
if you're driving.
- Did you scrape it or did you go
bang into it? - No, straight into it.
Into a window or a wall?
The wall. Instead of braking,
I accelerated.
How much damage
did you do to the car?
Well, it wouldn't go.
- Really, it was that bad? - Yeah.
I can't get over the hair,
they've gotta be mates.
They come from that town
where that is the hair.
How did the manager of the Co-op,
who came out with presumably
the same hairstyle...
How did he react?
Maybe Alan tried to
blame Wally, pointed,
but there was like 20, 30 blokes
and you had to work out
where Wally was.
LAUGHTER
So the manager came out,
and what was the response?
I don't remember anyone coming out.
The car has gone into the wall
of the Co-op
and everything just carries on?!
Did you have to put
a pound into the back to release it?
LAUGHTER
All right, so who would
you like to speak to next?
Germaine, what was the crane doing?
I presume there was building
work going on?
It was to do with
an electricity substation.
So he was doing some work...
The crane was there for a few days
before I actually approached him
and asked him
if I could go up in the cabin.
And when I first asked him,
he was distinctly un-keen.
When you say you asked him,
where was he? Or did you shout,
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"Can I come up to your cabin?"
LAUGHTER
"I wanna sit on your crane
in your cabin.
"Come on, don't be a dingo,
let me in your cabin."
- Was that the thrust
of the conversation?
- He'd come down off the crane.
Oh, he was already down, ready to go
home and you grabbed him and went,
"Get up there, mate."
And so I asked him again if I could
nip up and have a look at a...
And did he go up with you?
No, well, the thing is,
he didn't really wanna do it,
so I did my best to persuade him.
How did you persuade him?
What, you put a white hanky
over his mouth and suffocated him?
You said, "Smell that,"
and he woke up in the cabin.
"Ahhh, let me out,
I'm going to tell the police."
He would have had to be dragged
up unconscious. I couldn't have done
that. Let me just say that...
It was only the practicalities that
stopped her from doing it.
Let me simply say that
money changed hands.
And how much did he have to pay you?
LAUGHTER
So did you both go up to the cabin?
He said I had to go first,
just in case I missed my footing.
Oh, and he went up right behind you?
- Not right behind.
- Wally, you pervert!
LAUGHTER
OK, so you're up in the crane,
is there room for two people
in those things?
- Barely. It was...
- So it was intimate?
- Not really, but it was
uncomfortable.
- You can't have it both ways.
You certainly can't have it both
ways in that, it's too small.
Have some respect for
Germaine Greer.
So sorry about my friend.
It was pretty cramped, but he showed
me how you use the controls.
You're telling me now that
you actually had a go of it?
No, I didn't have a go of it,
but I... Well, I can use
a digger and an excavator
so I know how to balance
the two hands.
Well why, why do you know
how to use a digger?
Because I dig holes.
LAUGHTER
What about David?
David, can you remind me
of your statement?
This is Wally and he intervened
when I had a whispered row
with a woman in a library.
What was the row about?
It was about noise.
- Who started the row?
- Yeah, who started the row?
I... Well, I would say she started it
but the noise that it was about
was my responsibility.
I was in the loo.
- Was what? - What?
I was in the loo
when the noise happened
but the noise didn't
emanate from the loo.
It was my phone
made the noise
while I was in the loo.
Because it was on silent, but
it vibrated and sort of...you know.
- Where was it? You left it in the
library? - I'd left it on
the table by my...
Oh, you'd left the thing,
gone to the toilet. ..by my laptop.
So you'd come back from the toilet,
could you hear the... It's that
"nuhh" noise, yes? "Nuhhhh."
Yeah, well, that's...
Yes, I was in the toilet and...
And you heard the nuhhhhh?
No, no, I couldn't hear
that noise...
Oh, great, he's now doing
impressions of inanimate objects.
I thought he was doing me on
the toilet, sorry! Do your blender,
do your blender!
No, that's not you on the toilet,
no that's more of a...
IMITATING DAVID: "I wonder
how long I'll be here for?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So what happens next?
Well, I come out
of the toilet and she's immediately
incensed and comes up to me and has
a massive whispered go at me
about...What did she say?
She said, "I've been trying
to work in here and you've
"been making noise all the time
and now that phone has
"gone off two or three times!"
And I'm sort of going, "I'm sorry,
"I didn't realise that, I just left
it there in error, I'm very
"sorry, there's no need to take that
tone with me, though, madam.
"There's no need to be so rude,
I'll turn my phone off now.
"I'm sorry, but..."
"Nuhhhhh, nuhhhhh."
So this carries on for a few minutes
and then Wally, who works there,
comes up and has a word with us both
and says, you know,
"Be quiet and get on with your work."
OK, we do need an answer,
so Lee's team, is Wally Germaine's
crane companion, Alan's car crasher
or David's bookish buddy?
He's got a bit of library
about him, hasn't he?
He has got a whiff
of book about him.
He looks... That's my new
fragrance for Christmas.
LAUGHTER
If I had to choose,
I would say Alan.
What are you thinking, Jermaine?
The whispering argument, I can
actually...I can see it happening.
And I bizarrely think it
might be Germaine. Ah, brilliant.
OK, so Jermaine thinks it's David.
- Yes, I do. - I think it's Alan.
- You think it's Alan
and I think it's Germaine.
Let's say it's Germaine, then.
Jermaine has to pick?
Yeah, I think Jermaine
should say Germaine.
I'm handing the leadership
qualities over to Jermaine
- and letting him decide who it is,
providing he says Germaine.
- What are you saying, Jermaine?
We collectively think it's David.
No! No, we don't.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, you're saying David? OK.
So, Lee's team, after
a thorough democratic process
are settling on David.
Wally, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Wally and I was
teaching Alan how to drive
when he crashed into the Co-op
car park.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, Wally.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
..it's Lee.
After an incident last year,
I have a fear that
some of my neighbours think
I hunt ducklings.
LAUGHTER
- David's team.
- What was the incident?
Hang on.
Ah, got it.
So...I live by a river.
Yeah. That much is true.
- Mm-hm. - We know it's true because
we've both enjoyed an evening,
- one of his evenings at his house.
- We have, indeed.
You remember it, David, don't you?
Cos you and Rob both left
and then 10 minutes later
you snuck back, didn't you, David?
"He's gone. He's gone."
And I remember as
David drove off, going,
"I'll give you a lift, David.
"David! David!"
So, I live by the river. Yeah.
And there was a duckling
in the front of our house.
Let's call it the driveway.
Oh, right, right, yeah.
I didn't want to say driveway
cos I'll start making me
all showbiz that I've got a car.
Anyway, so there is the duckling,
right?
Which part of the driveway -
was it down by the gates
or where it sweeps up
around the lawn?
I don't know how it had got over
the moat, to be honest with you.
Actually a duckling would
be quite good at that.
I reckon I know how,
I've been thinking about it!
So this duckling on its own.
Yeah, so there's a duckling.
It's on the drive.
He's on the driveway,
this was the yellow fluffy variety.
Right. And so I decided
I must catch the duckling
and try and put it
back in the water. Yeah.
In the river. Why?
You mean, why have
I got a heart, David?
AS DAVID: "Why did you bother
about this non-human thing?" Yes.
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Why
didn't you eat it?"
So, yeah... No, duck is...
"Why don't you baste it,
fry it and shove it in your mouth?"
Are you saying that it...?
"Why didn't you?"
Sorry. Sorry, David.
Yeah, I mean, you could, you've had
enough time to invent anything now.
- Right. - So you see the
duckling on the drive. - Yes.
You pick up, what is this thing
that you're picking up? This?
Well, this is...
I have a big net in my house.
Right.
And so I see this duck
and I catch it
and I scoop it up so I've now
got a duck in the net. Oh, right.
And my plan was to look round
for lots of baby ducklings
and a sort of adult sized
duck going...
- And that was my plan. - Right.
- You did say the duckling was yellow.
Did I?
Yeah, what colour are
the ducks on the river?
RICHARD: Uh-oh. What?
Can we go into conference
for a moment?
Because the ducks on the river
are almost certainly mallards.
- Yes. - And their ducklings
are NOT yellow.
Yeah, but this wasn't complete,
this wasn't a pure mallard.
I don't care. Wrong.
Now, one of the most important
things not to do with ducklings
when you find them in the spring is
to touch them or handle them at all.
Oh, Lee. Lee...
- Because the mother
will reject them. - Yes.
I didn't handle him, I netted him.
Do you know why I didn't handle him?
Because the mother
would have rejected it.
APPLAUSE
So how far have you
walked at this point?
A long way because I couldn't find
any ducks and any ducklings.
So I'm now walking up and I have
noticed that people have passed me
and I've given them the,
"All right?" And they've gone...
"All right?" Like that.
It dawns on me after half a mile
they're going,
"I think..." This stretch of the
river which is famous for fishing.
"I think that weirdo has
been catching ducklings."
They think I've scooped one out,
cos it's a proper big fishing net
I've got. Right.
So I decided to go home,
ring up the RSPCB and...
- RSPCD. - B, I said. - D. P.
- It's the RSPB... - Oh, sorry, sorry.
- RSPB, you idiot. - Or the RSPCA.
You thought it was D, you weirdo!
Preventing cruelty to ducklings,
that's a very niche market.
"Oh, no, no, we're only goslings."
So what do you think, David?
Is he telling the truth?
I should point out that we did
find out that it was a goose.
So it was a bright yellow gosling.
It was bright yellow
and I thought it was a duckling
and it was actually a gosling.
- Goslings are bright yellow. - Are
they? - Mm. - OK, what are you thinking?
- The thing is, it's so heavily
embroidered, this story... - Yeah.
- But I think it's substantially true.
- Alan?
Well, throughout the story,
I thought it was complete nonsense.
Yes, I did throughout but then there
was something about him saying
they came back and they said
actually it was a baby goose
and it having been yellow,
that's tipped me into
thinking it might be true.
- I'm going to say true. - True? - Yeah.
OK. Lee, truth or lie?
It is in fact...
true.
APPLAUSE
Next...
It's Jermaine.
The night before the
biggest game of my career,
a team-mate woke me up by
practising his trumpet.
David's team.
I'm assuming that's not a euphemism.
What time was this?
12, 12.30, something like that.
So why were you cohabiting
with a trumpeter?
Now, just please, please
just use that as the trailer
and nothing else.
That's it, that's all we need.
It's not something that you ask,
is it?
I mean, "Are you a trumpeter?"
And, "Let's room together."
- I don't know, it was just...
- But he was from your team.
- He was, yeah, he was in my team.
- ALAN: What team was it?
When I was at Newcastle United.
So where were you?
- I was in a hotel. - A hotel. - Yeah.
- Where? - Erm, it was...
- ..in Newcas... - Think about
the other team you were playing
and it'll probably
be the same answer.
- Were you just about to say in
Newcastle? - It was in Newcastle, yeah.
Why would you be in a hotel
in your own home town?
Because we were playing
against Sunderland.
Oh, fair enough.
Sometimes the manager likes to
just keep the players together.
- Yes, I have heard of that.
- ALAN: Under lock and key.
- Who was the trumpeter?
- It was Nobby Solano.
Oh, Nobby Solano. He's from Peru.
What was he playing?
I can't help thinking if someone
wakes you up playing a trumpet
in your ear, you don't go,
"Oh, what is that? Is that...?
"No, no, no, don't tell me,
carry on playing. Erm...
"I'll get this."
It was something like those Mexican
kind of food adverts, like...
HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
More, more, more!
And you say this was Nobby Solero.
- Nobby Solano. - Nobby Solero
is a very adult ice cream.
APPLAUSE
So where is he trumpeting?
He was, like, kind of like
sat at the edge of his bed,
like this with a stand and...
A stand?!
He'd set up his...
Can I just say, if this is
a lie, don't push it, son.
Stand and a baton!
- He'd set up his music stand.
- Tunic, got a tunic and a hat on.
Strap under his chin.
Two, three, four...
HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
- And what was his excuse?
- That he's practising, that was it.
And did the conversation go further?
Did you say...?
Well I just said, you know,
"Put it away."
I dread to think...
And also stop playing the trumpet.
What do you think? I mean, I know
the world of football is not one
that you're overly familiar with.
Yes, but I am an expert
in nocturnal trumpeting so...
..you know, it balances out.
What do you think, Germaine?
It's certainly true that people
tolerate a lot of noise
- in South America, generally.
- OK, you think...?
ALAN: I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm going true. We'll go true.
OK, Jermaine, truth or lie?
It's...
- true. - Oh, wow. - Wow.
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal David's team
have five points
and Lee's team have nil.
APPLAUSE
But, of course,
it's not just a team game.
My individual liar
of the week this week
is Germaine Greer.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Germaine Greer, a feminist
who not only burnt her bra
but now her pants
are on fire as well!
- Goodnight.
- APPLAUSE