Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Episode #9.3 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?
the show where deception is
the dish of the day.
And on Lee Mack's team tonight -
charismatic, charming, gorgeous,
and a beautiful Welsh accent,
but enough about me,
it's Alex Jones.
And a man who in the 1970s' punk era
was an angry young poet.
Of course, he's completely
different now,
he's an angry old poet,
it's John Cooper Clarke.
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, a comedian
who used to be a drama teacher.
Shakespeare, Chekhov, Pinter,
were just some of the books he threw
at the pupils, it's Greg Davies.
And a TV presenter who regularly
hosts episodes of Made In Chelsea.
Now, if you've not seen the show,
just imagine a really good drama
and watch that instead,
it's Rick Edwards.
And so to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction,
- and Alex is first up tonight. - OK.
The first time I used eBay,
I accidently bought a canoe
instead of a handbag.
David's team.
Well, how did that error occur?
Well, back in the day,
when eBay was pretty new,
I thought I'd have a little go
and I quite like vintage-y stuff
and old clothes - although when
they're delivered
it's not quite as good
cos they always smell a bit musty
and have an air of dead people -
- but I like the idea. - Yeah. - Um,
and... - Did you get that from eBay?
HE SNIFFS
Oh, is that you?
Sorry, carry on.
So, I was scrolling through, as you
do, and saw a lovely clutch bag.
I know I've lost you all already,
haven't I?
- What's a clutch bag? - A clutch bag
is a, is a little bag...
- For keeping the pedal from a car in.
- ..that you clutch.
And you have an accelerator bag
and a brake bag.
So, what are we saying, Alex? You,
you saw a clutch bag, you were
miming putting the clutch bag
under your arm to get into it and
then you pressed canoe by accident?
In fact, in the modern computer,
they've taken the canoe button
off the keyboard because this
kept happening.
- OK, you're looking at eBay, what
happens next? - I'm scrolling through.
- Right.
It started off at 99p.
99 pence, John. Are you in?
- For a, for a vintage bag?
- Yeah.
You're in. Anyway...
- Next thing you know - ?14! - Ah!
- I'm thinking about pulling out. - Yep.
- Cos that's quite a lot for
a vintage bag.
- But anyway, on it went. - Yeah. - ?32.
- And you're still bidding?
Are you still in, John?
Ah, no, I wasn't even in when
it was 99p.
You were wrong about that.
You read me wrong there, Alex.
I don't know what my body language
was saying, but...
- OK, so the price is going up,
you're tracking, that's what they
call it... - ?32.
- We're 32. - You're tracking the bag.
- And I think it's a good time to go
to bed, leave it.
- Next morning... - Yeah. - ..email on the
laptop...
"Congratulations, your bid was
successful.
"You have bought a second hand
red canoe."
It's quite a jump, isn't it? Yeah.
You think that's a terrible story,
there's some fella
who's boat was going down, he says,
"Don't worry, I've got this
covered."
Tried to squeeze a family of five
into a vintage handbag.
So, you emailed the canoe man saying,
- "Instead of the canoe, could I have
the..." - The clutch bag. - "..clutch
handbag that looks like a..."
- And he said, "I haven't got
a clutch handbag to offer." - Yeah.
And I said, "Well, you've lied
because I bid on a clutch handbag."
Oh. So, do you think he was luring
people in by putting photographs
of vintage handbags, which people
then bid on and bid on, bid on.
Whatever they pay, whatever the
handbag looks like,
they only get a canoe. Canoe.
Maybe seven times out of ten,
people make do with the canoe.
He must have looked into it.
Have you ever seen at the opening
night of a film
a glamorous starlet turning up
with...
The commentators are saying, "It's
an incredibly large clutch bag."
OK, what are you thinking, David?
I think, I don't know.
What do you think?
I...there's too much of a gap.
Do you think it's true?
- No, I think it's a lie. - I think it's
a lie, as well. We think it's a lie.
- You all think it's a lie?
- We think it's a lie. - Conclusively
a lie. - Conclusively a lie.
- OK, Alex, truth or lie?
Silly boys, it was in fact...
true.
Well done, you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Alex did accidentally buy a canoe
instead of a handbag on eBay.
Greg, your turn.
I once caused an injury to one man
whilst trying to get
a different man to say
the word vegetables.
Lee's team.
- Right. Just the word vegetables?
- Yeah. - Do you really like the word
vegetables?
No, not as a general rule, no. But
I liked it when this man said it.
Why? What was it about this man,
the way he said vegetables,
that was funny?
- Did he have a speech impediment,
or... - No, he didn't.
He was a very intense man, though.
And he was also Austrian.
I was with a friend once - and he
was a colleague of ours, sorry -
and I overheard him say vegetables
and we both found it incredibly
funny...
Sorry, can you just roughly give
us an impression of how he used to
say vegetables? Even just roughly.
- He said it exactly like this...
- IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT: Vegeteballs.
And then we happened to be on a
coach trip with him and so we spent
the whole coach trip trying
- to get him to say vegetables again.
- So, where were you? Where were you
going and how do you know him?
- Ah, I was on a school trip. I used
to be a teacher. - And he was a
- teacher? Yeah, he was a teacher.
- What did he teach? - He was the head
of languages and he was...
- Head of languages?! - Yeah.
The head of languages used to go...
IN FUNNY ACCENT: ..vegetable.
IN FUNNY ACCENT: Vegetables!
Imagine, imagine I'm the man.
OK, I'm on the coach.
I'm sat. We're driving.
Off you go.
So, I said, so...
Ja?
IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: You're very
big, aren't you?
This isn't like him, at all.
IN CAMP AUSTRIAN ACCENT: You're very
big, aren't you?
That's him.
So, I would saying things like,
"Oh, I've, I've been trying to keep
fit lately and I know that
"you're into keep fit, what would
you recommend for a healthy diet?"
And he was going...
IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: "Well, you know,
I would...
"you must eat a balanced diet.
You must eat greens.
"And, you, you must enjoy some
protein in, in limited..."
I was going, "Yeah, yeah. But, I
mean, if you were to group some of
"those foods together..."
And he was going, "Well, yeah. You
must have carbohydrates, of course.
"And you must have..." And it was,
it was horrific.
It went on for about an hour and
every time I tried to find
a new angle for vegetables, his
ludicrous Austrian interpretation
of things led us down a dark alley.
It took...it was literally an hour
in the making.
And how did you finally get him
to say it?
I honestly can't remember,
it came out of nowhere
and he suddenly said it and he
said it with such passion.
It was, he went, "Oh, well, of
course, you must have vegetables!"
I started biting my hand to stop
myself from laughing.
And my friend who was next to me,
there was a jagged piece of metal
at the front of the coach
and because it was so funny -
just to remind you...
IN FUNNY ACCENT: "Vegetables, of
course!" -
I went like this and my friend saw
the piece of metal and pushed his
knee into it on purpose
to stop himself from laughing
- and blood started like spraying
out of his... - Snout?
Started spraying out of
his knee, yeah.
Oh, that was...this is a bit
elaborate, this story.
I'll tell you another detail.
We went and did the trip, which was
in Paris, and then after we came all
the way back, all the way back to...
to, Calais, and I said to him,
"You know we put all the kids'
passports in that hotel in Paris
last night?
"Did you, did you remember to..."
Cos he was in charge of the trip,
"..did you remember to bring those?"
And he was standing up in front
of the children on the coach
and he went, "Oh, scheisse!"
And he had to speak to the port
authorities and get permission to
take the kids on without passports
while he went back on his own.
Can I tell you one more detail,
as well? We were also standing in
the middle of Paris
under the Eiffel Tower, we'd been
there for an hour, and the kids were
all running around,
and he came over and went,
"We must, we must go. We are late
for our next appointment."
And I said, "Well, we should just
make sure that all the kids are
here."
And he goes, "Yes, of course
we should. Yes." And he turned
round and went,
"Is everybody here?!"
And all the kids went,
"Yeah, yeah." And he went,
"Well, then, we will move on."
IN FUNNY ACCENT: Vegetables!
- What are you thinking, Lee?
- Oh. - I think it's true.
True from John.
Yeah, defo. Yeah.
I think a lie. You are a fantastic
actor, Mr Greg Davies.
Well... So, what are you
going to say?
- OK. What do we think, Alex? - I think
you'll find I'm BAFTA nominated.
We're all BAFTA nominated.
False.
OK, we'll go lie.
- You're going to say it's a lie.
Greg? - Ah. - Truth, or lie?
It is the...
- truth. - Oh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Well, I'm sorry.
- Yes, that was all true.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to David's team to
spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Mary.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, then, Mary is the dog, not
the handler. OK? It's Mary and...
Obviously, cos if Mary had been
the handler, she wouldn't have had
a dog,
she would have had a little lamb.
Wouldn't she?
OK. Alex, what is Mary to you?
This is Mary, a dog, and I
had to spend an entire episode
of The One Show covering up the fact
that she'd been sick on me.
OK. So, John, how do you know Mary?
This is Mary, I recited
a poem at her wedding.
There we are, John's married mutt.
And finally, Lee,
what is your relationship with Mary?
This is Mary and when she was
pining for her owners,
I sat up with her all night and
tried to comfort her with a song.
All right, David's team,
where do you want to start?
Alex, why was Mary on The One Show?
- She was abandoned. - So, if...
- I know you can't believe it.
If a dog is ever abandoned in
Britain, should it happen,
they immediately get a slot on
national television, just to sort
it out, just to check that there
are no dogs without homes ever.
It was a very light day.
Was it a day with...
AS MATT BAKER: "Me, Matt Baker."
Or was it Chris Evans?
It was...
AS MATT BAKER: "Me, Matt Baker,"
and Mary came on...
AS MATT BAKER: "It's me, Matt Baker,
from the One Show."
I think what we've learnt from that,
ladies and gentlemen, is that Rob
can't do Chris Evans.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well... So, little Mary, comes on
the show and we want to re-home her,
we gave her lots of treats because
she was on television,
she came to sit on me and then
the treats all became a bit much,
under the lights, mess.
OK, so you didn't have a story
for The One Show,
you scooped up a stray dog,
pumped it full of sugar
and got your just desserts.
Why wasn't it immediately noticeable
that Mary was being sick?
Because as we were linking into
whatever came next,
it wasn't relevant,
we'd moved away from Mary.
Oh, yeah. Matt Baker was pushing
Bounty bars into a pony's face
by then.
In the meantime,
Mary is being violently sick.
- So, you're talking about something
else... - Yeah.
- We, we go onto something else.
- ..you're stroking Mary on
- your knee... Stroking Mary.
Then, Matt Baker's saying...
Matt Baker's spooning Angel Delight
into a fox.
What I want to clarify is, what's on
television at that moment?
- My face. - Your face? So,
it's a close-up of your face?
- See, it's only to here, so you
can't... - Can't see that you're
stroking Mary
- or that it's come to some sort of
fruition... - ..and you can't see
- the mess.
And they just said, "Just carry on."
OK. Did Mary stay there or did Mary
sort of think,
"Well there's sick here"?
She didn't have time to react
anyway, Matt Baker was on top of her
with a Curly Wurly, just...
Well, you've got room for more now,
haven't you? Yeah.
OK. John, when you came up
with your story,
did you realise that Mary was a dog?
Yes, of course.
You do have dog weddings.
Some owners channel their loneliness
through events
- like that, don't they? - Well, I'm
trying to... I've been to a lot of
weddings in my...
I'm just going through them -
human, human, hu...
Do you know what? I think
they might all be human.
- Now, listen, listen, dogs do...
- It is a fact that dogs get married.
- Dogs get married. - But also it is a
fact that dogs don't get married.
All right, OK.
So, John, you wrote a poem and
performed it at the wedding of Mary.
- Tell us about the experience. - Well,
it was a poem I'd already written
that had proved to be very popular
at modern weddings.
It's called I Wanna Be Yours
and the first verse goes,
"Let me be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust,
"Let me be your Morris Marina,
I will never rust.
"If you like your coffee hot,
let me be your coffee pot.
"You call the shots,
I wanna be yours."
It goes on for another three verses.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you.
Who is Mary's owner and
do you know the owner?
Yes, Mary's owners live
next door but one
on the right hand side of our house.
- Going out... - Right. - If you're going
out, she's on the right-hand side.
- No, it's a good point.
- So, if you go in the back door,
they're on the left, aren't they?
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm happy with that.
And, John, describe the...
What was the ceremony like?
It was conducted by the vet...
..who had neutered her husband.
It's kind of sick.
If the arrangements had have been
explained to me beforehand,
- I don't think I would
have got involved. - Yeah.
What was the husband's name,
the dog that was fulfilling
- the role of the husband here,
do you remember the name? - Tyson.
Tyson?
Did you know Tyson, the owners of
Tyson, or did you only know
the owners of Mary?
I knew the owners of Mary better,
but I did know the owners of
Tyson, as well.
- So, Tyson and Mary weren't owned by
the same people? - No. No. - So, how were
they going to cohabit?
- Cos usually dogs tend to live with
their... - Well, good question. - ..tend
to live with their owners
- rather than setting up home on
their own. - Good question, David.
Tyson lived next door but one
on the left going out.
So, they saw a lot of each other
without actually cohabitating.
John, where did the wedding
itself take place?
Um...
At a place called...Old Hall.
They breed their own sheep.
So, as it happens,
Mary did have a little lamb.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lee. OK, remind us.
So, this is Mary and when she
was pining for her owners,
- I stayed up with her all night
and comforted her with a song. - Aww.
Where were you? And why were you
with Mary? And why was Mary not with
her owners?
My next door neighbours,
they went away to a wedding -
a human wedding, I don't know
if you've heard of them -
and they asked me and my wife to
look after little Mary.
So, the dog came round
to your house...
Well, no, we picked him up cos
he doesn't know the way.
- And so is Mary male?
- You just called him a he.
Do you always call Mary "he"?
Well, yeah, no. Sorry - she.
Sorry, I always get mixed up.
My husband Tara sorts it all out,
I don't.
So, what happened then?
My wife went to bed and the kids
were asleep, so it's just me and
Mary.
You know, I was watching the TV and
she was fine, she was happy
just sort of lying in front of the
fire and then suddenly it started.
What? The programme,
it was brilliant!
The pining.
HE PINES PITIFULLY
Awww...
So, this pining it got worse,
the pining got worse and worse
and it was breaking my heart,
it really was,
and ruining the show I
was watching. So, I...
It wasn't, it was The One Show,
I didn't care. I phoned up...
Your wife goes to bed before
The One Show?
- No, David. I'd recorded it.
- Good boy! - I always record it.
- You record The One Show? - Watch it
when there's literally nothing else
to watch.
And I phoned up my neighbour who
was at the wedding
and I said, "Look, Mary's pining."
She said, "Have you tried
everything?"
I said, "I've done everything. I've
taken my foot off her tail. I've..."
So, they said - well you're not
going to believe this - they said,
"But there is a way that you can
keep her calm and she calms down."
Right. "Do you by any chance
have the song
"Money For Nothing by Dire Straits?"
And she said, the owner said,
"If you play that song on
your CD player,
"Mary will calm down."
So, I get the CD, I put it on and it
was like magic.
It was unbelievable, the second
it went...
HE SINGS THE GUITAR INTRO
Look!
The dog! Can I just say, you won't
be needing any more biscuits,
I'll take it from here.
HE CONTINUES GUITAR RIFF
And she... Look, she's calm,
she's calming down.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team - is Mary,
Alex's poorly pup,
John's married mutt or
Lee's homesick hound?
Well, I must say, I'm not finding
Lee's story as
quite as convincing as usual.
You can imagine John reading that
poem out at a dog's wedding.
Very easily.
Hold on a second, guys. I think
Mary's getting a little bit bored,
so we'll let her pop off.
APPLAUSE
- Look, we thought that might happen.
So... - So, we're going to get down on
all fours and put this wig on.
Ah, no way.
You know what's going to happen,
David, just to warn you, if this
works tonight,
they'll start replacing
other people with cut-outs and we're
out of a job.
I'm sorry. I'm just, like, if
someone just tunes in now and goes
"What the hell?"
And, "I don't know what they're
doing, but that dog is very well
behaved."
Playing with the remote,
"Is this on pause?"
That's it, nobody move, just really
shock the audience.
APPLAUSE
Can I just say, that's not going
to work if you clap.
OK. Greg, what do you think?
The dog throwing up on The One Show?
I believe Matt Baker's capable
of that cruelty,
but I...on this occasion I
don't think he did, no.
I mean, I'm erring on
the side of John. OK.
- It's got to be John, I want it to be
so badly. - Yeah, I do as well.
- I think we're going to go with
John, then, are we? - OK.
You're saying it's John? Right.
Now, Mary is resting,
so I will give Mary's
answer for her.
Get behind the cardboard cut-out.
IN GRUFF VOICE: My name is Mary.
And I do Tommy Cooper impressions!
- I'm doing a dog! - I'm sorry.
That's not a good image.
You are genuine...
I'm not just saying it.
You look at that, you are
genuinely to scale
as if you were a jockey on a horse.
LAUGHTER
My name is Mary and I
can reveal that
I was sick on Alex during
The One Show. Thank you very much.
No!
Cooper Clarke's a genius.
Well, which brings us to our
final round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lee.
I once took my trunks off in
the communal area of
a ladies' changing room,
after getting out of a pool and
misreading the signs through
my foggy goggles.
David's team?
So, where was the swimming pool?
It was at the leisure centre. Oh,
right. Where was the leisure centre?
Just next to the swimming pool.
- It was my local leisure centre. OK.
- Did anyone see your genitalia?
Four people looked,
but no one saw it.
I'm keen to know, at which point
where you planning to
take off your goggles?
When I get out of the pool,
I shake off like that,
I turn back to let them have
a nice look and then I...
I put the goggles up. There's no way
you'd keep your goggles on for
the walk.
Well, I am short-sighted and they
are prescription goggles
and I wouldn't have been able to.
- So, you were going to wear them
home? - Not wear them home, no.
I was going to put my glasses
on that were in the dressing room.
So, the reason you kept the goggles
on that stopped you being able to
see... I know, the irony!
..was so that you could see.
The irony.
So, you get into the changing rooms.
Yes. Now, it's goggles off
like that. Yeah.
- And... - So, now you can't see
anything now.
I can't see, I can't see a thing
now.
There was actually no one in the
room, it's trunks down like that.
- Yeah? - Yep. - And that's,
that's when I heard the voice.
And what was the voice?
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Hello,
I live in your trunks."
No. No, that's another story
for next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the children's book you're
working on.
I still feel publishers will
be nervous.
So, I go in, I do that, I bend over.
Speedos down and...
Is that your technique,
goggles off, pants down?
I mean, do you not go to
your locker?
I would take the goggles off,
put them in the locker. I wouldn't
go goggles off, pants down.
- Right, where's my locker?
- I was at the locker.
- What did the voice say?
- The voice said, "Excuse me."
And I said, "Excuse me. I'm not
sure you should be in here."
Did you not question
yourself at this point?
Question myself? I questioned her?
"What are you doing in the men's
changing room?" I said.
- Alex, could you say excuse me
at the relevant point? - OK. Ready?
Come out here, this is
exactly how it went.
- Where are we going? - I'll
walk you from the... - Oh. - So, I've
left my child in the pool...
"Daddy'll be back in a minute.
If they go down - blow, blow."
Am I drying over here, or something?
You're in the shower, actually.
Right, I get out the pool. At this
point the goggles aren't yet steamed
up?
The goggles are on, they're a bit
wet and I walked in.
I'm now, I'm in there and then
I think, "Right."
- And then I look up with my goggles,
it's goggles off... - Off, pants down.
- ..trunks down.
Excuse me.
You're that woman from The One Show.
This is the ladies. Get out,
you pervert.
- I think you'll find this is
the men's changing room. - Hang on a
minute. No, that's not right,
because if you said that to her,
"I think you'll find this is the
men's changing room."
and you believed it, then your
system would kick back in again -
bam - the pants would be down.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no. I wasn't going
make a point and go,
"Right. Come on, then. Beat that."
So, no. So, then the woman said to
me, she said, "Excuse me." I
panicked and I said, you know,
I said, "Excuse me. This is the
men's." She said, "No, this is the
women's."
For a minute I thought she was
wrong, but then I thought,
"Oh, my god. She might be right."
And then another woman came in and
then a third woman. But I'm so
argumentative,
it wasn't till the fourth woman came
in that I considered that I'd made a
mistake.
So, what do you think?
Was he telling the truth there,
David's team?
- I think it's without a question
a lie. - And you think?
In fact, if it is the truth,
I'm prepared to pull my trousers and
pants down right now on this show.
AUDIENCE: Whoooo!
Hoh-hoh-hoh!
I'm not comfortable with that sort
of forfeit
becoming part of the format of
this game.
- So, you are willing to say, that you
are willing to drop your trousers,
if this is true? - Yeah.
Can we get you some goggles, as well?
I don't need them, my eyes will
be closed.
Well, I think we're saying
it's a lie.
I'd like to say that I'm not willing
to do anything at all
if we happen to be wrong.
- So, you're all saying...
- It's only a game, for god's sake.
So, you say it's a lie. OK.
Lee, was it the truth or
was it a lie?
It is in fact, Greg,
true.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can I just say that I just
whispered, "Can you change it?"
cos it was in fact a lie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Lee didn't
take his trunks off in
the ladies' changing room
because of his foggy goggles.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show
and I can reveal that the scores are
tied with two points each.
APPLAUSE
But of course it's not
just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is John Cooper Clarke.
Yes, John Cooper Clarke.
And, of course, John will be given
a hero's welcome when he gets
back home to the distant planet
where he was hatched. Goodnight.
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?
the show where deception is
the dish of the day.
And on Lee Mack's team tonight -
charismatic, charming, gorgeous,
and a beautiful Welsh accent,
but enough about me,
it's Alex Jones.
And a man who in the 1970s' punk era
was an angry young poet.
Of course, he's completely
different now,
he's an angry old poet,
it's John Cooper Clarke.
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, a comedian
who used to be a drama teacher.
Shakespeare, Chekhov, Pinter,
were just some of the books he threw
at the pupils, it's Greg Davies.
And a TV presenter who regularly
hosts episodes of Made In Chelsea.
Now, if you've not seen the show,
just imagine a really good drama
and watch that instead,
it's Rick Edwards.
And so to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction,
- and Alex is first up tonight. - OK.
The first time I used eBay,
I accidently bought a canoe
instead of a handbag.
David's team.
Well, how did that error occur?
Well, back in the day,
when eBay was pretty new,
I thought I'd have a little go
and I quite like vintage-y stuff
and old clothes - although when
they're delivered
it's not quite as good
cos they always smell a bit musty
and have an air of dead people -
- but I like the idea. - Yeah. - Um,
and... - Did you get that from eBay?
HE SNIFFS
Oh, is that you?
Sorry, carry on.
So, I was scrolling through, as you
do, and saw a lovely clutch bag.
I know I've lost you all already,
haven't I?
- What's a clutch bag? - A clutch bag
is a, is a little bag...
- For keeping the pedal from a car in.
- ..that you clutch.
And you have an accelerator bag
and a brake bag.
So, what are we saying, Alex? You,
you saw a clutch bag, you were
miming putting the clutch bag
under your arm to get into it and
then you pressed canoe by accident?
In fact, in the modern computer,
they've taken the canoe button
off the keyboard because this
kept happening.
- OK, you're looking at eBay, what
happens next? - I'm scrolling through.
- Right.
It started off at 99p.
99 pence, John. Are you in?
- For a, for a vintage bag?
- Yeah.
You're in. Anyway...
- Next thing you know - ?14! - Ah!
- I'm thinking about pulling out. - Yep.
- Cos that's quite a lot for
a vintage bag.
- But anyway, on it went. - Yeah. - ?32.
- And you're still bidding?
Are you still in, John?
Ah, no, I wasn't even in when
it was 99p.
You were wrong about that.
You read me wrong there, Alex.
I don't know what my body language
was saying, but...
- OK, so the price is going up,
you're tracking, that's what they
call it... - ?32.
- We're 32. - You're tracking the bag.
- And I think it's a good time to go
to bed, leave it.
- Next morning... - Yeah. - ..email on the
laptop...
"Congratulations, your bid was
successful.
"You have bought a second hand
red canoe."
It's quite a jump, isn't it? Yeah.
You think that's a terrible story,
there's some fella
who's boat was going down, he says,
"Don't worry, I've got this
covered."
Tried to squeeze a family of five
into a vintage handbag.
So, you emailed the canoe man saying,
- "Instead of the canoe, could I have
the..." - The clutch bag. - "..clutch
handbag that looks like a..."
- And he said, "I haven't got
a clutch handbag to offer." - Yeah.
And I said, "Well, you've lied
because I bid on a clutch handbag."
Oh. So, do you think he was luring
people in by putting photographs
of vintage handbags, which people
then bid on and bid on, bid on.
Whatever they pay, whatever the
handbag looks like,
they only get a canoe. Canoe.
Maybe seven times out of ten,
people make do with the canoe.
He must have looked into it.
Have you ever seen at the opening
night of a film
a glamorous starlet turning up
with...
The commentators are saying, "It's
an incredibly large clutch bag."
OK, what are you thinking, David?
I think, I don't know.
What do you think?
I...there's too much of a gap.
Do you think it's true?
- No, I think it's a lie. - I think it's
a lie, as well. We think it's a lie.
- You all think it's a lie?
- We think it's a lie. - Conclusively
a lie. - Conclusively a lie.
- OK, Alex, truth or lie?
Silly boys, it was in fact...
true.
Well done, you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Alex did accidentally buy a canoe
instead of a handbag on eBay.
Greg, your turn.
I once caused an injury to one man
whilst trying to get
a different man to say
the word vegetables.
Lee's team.
- Right. Just the word vegetables?
- Yeah. - Do you really like the word
vegetables?
No, not as a general rule, no. But
I liked it when this man said it.
Why? What was it about this man,
the way he said vegetables,
that was funny?
- Did he have a speech impediment,
or... - No, he didn't.
He was a very intense man, though.
And he was also Austrian.
I was with a friend once - and he
was a colleague of ours, sorry -
and I overheard him say vegetables
and we both found it incredibly
funny...
Sorry, can you just roughly give
us an impression of how he used to
say vegetables? Even just roughly.
- He said it exactly like this...
- IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT: Vegeteballs.
And then we happened to be on a
coach trip with him and so we spent
the whole coach trip trying
- to get him to say vegetables again.
- So, where were you? Where were you
going and how do you know him?
- Ah, I was on a school trip. I used
to be a teacher. - And he was a
- teacher? Yeah, he was a teacher.
- What did he teach? - He was the head
of languages and he was...
- Head of languages?! - Yeah.
The head of languages used to go...
IN FUNNY ACCENT: ..vegetable.
IN FUNNY ACCENT: Vegetables!
Imagine, imagine I'm the man.
OK, I'm on the coach.
I'm sat. We're driving.
Off you go.
So, I said, so...
Ja?
IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: You're very
big, aren't you?
This isn't like him, at all.
IN CAMP AUSTRIAN ACCENT: You're very
big, aren't you?
That's him.
So, I would saying things like,
"Oh, I've, I've been trying to keep
fit lately and I know that
"you're into keep fit, what would
you recommend for a healthy diet?"
And he was going...
IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: "Well, you know,
I would...
"you must eat a balanced diet.
You must eat greens.
"And, you, you must enjoy some
protein in, in limited..."
I was going, "Yeah, yeah. But, I
mean, if you were to group some of
"those foods together..."
And he was going, "Well, yeah. You
must have carbohydrates, of course.
"And you must have..." And it was,
it was horrific.
It went on for about an hour and
every time I tried to find
a new angle for vegetables, his
ludicrous Austrian interpretation
of things led us down a dark alley.
It took...it was literally an hour
in the making.
And how did you finally get him
to say it?
I honestly can't remember,
it came out of nowhere
and he suddenly said it and he
said it with such passion.
It was, he went, "Oh, well, of
course, you must have vegetables!"
I started biting my hand to stop
myself from laughing.
And my friend who was next to me,
there was a jagged piece of metal
at the front of the coach
and because it was so funny -
just to remind you...
IN FUNNY ACCENT: "Vegetables, of
course!" -
I went like this and my friend saw
the piece of metal and pushed his
knee into it on purpose
to stop himself from laughing
- and blood started like spraying
out of his... - Snout?
Started spraying out of
his knee, yeah.
Oh, that was...this is a bit
elaborate, this story.
I'll tell you another detail.
We went and did the trip, which was
in Paris, and then after we came all
the way back, all the way back to...
to, Calais, and I said to him,
"You know we put all the kids'
passports in that hotel in Paris
last night?
"Did you, did you remember to..."
Cos he was in charge of the trip,
"..did you remember to bring those?"
And he was standing up in front
of the children on the coach
and he went, "Oh, scheisse!"
And he had to speak to the port
authorities and get permission to
take the kids on without passports
while he went back on his own.
Can I tell you one more detail,
as well? We were also standing in
the middle of Paris
under the Eiffel Tower, we'd been
there for an hour, and the kids were
all running around,
and he came over and went,
"We must, we must go. We are late
for our next appointment."
And I said, "Well, we should just
make sure that all the kids are
here."
And he goes, "Yes, of course
we should. Yes." And he turned
round and went,
"Is everybody here?!"
And all the kids went,
"Yeah, yeah." And he went,
"Well, then, we will move on."
IN FUNNY ACCENT: Vegetables!
- What are you thinking, Lee?
- Oh. - I think it's true.
True from John.
Yeah, defo. Yeah.
I think a lie. You are a fantastic
actor, Mr Greg Davies.
Well... So, what are you
going to say?
- OK. What do we think, Alex? - I think
you'll find I'm BAFTA nominated.
We're all BAFTA nominated.
False.
OK, we'll go lie.
- You're going to say it's a lie.
Greg? - Ah. - Truth, or lie?
It is the...
- truth. - Oh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Well, I'm sorry.
- Yes, that was all true.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to David's team to
spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Mary.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, then, Mary is the dog, not
the handler. OK? It's Mary and...
Obviously, cos if Mary had been
the handler, she wouldn't have had
a dog,
she would have had a little lamb.
Wouldn't she?
OK. Alex, what is Mary to you?
This is Mary, a dog, and I
had to spend an entire episode
of The One Show covering up the fact
that she'd been sick on me.
OK. So, John, how do you know Mary?
This is Mary, I recited
a poem at her wedding.
There we are, John's married mutt.
And finally, Lee,
what is your relationship with Mary?
This is Mary and when she was
pining for her owners,
I sat up with her all night and
tried to comfort her with a song.
All right, David's team,
where do you want to start?
Alex, why was Mary on The One Show?
- She was abandoned. - So, if...
- I know you can't believe it.
If a dog is ever abandoned in
Britain, should it happen,
they immediately get a slot on
national television, just to sort
it out, just to check that there
are no dogs without homes ever.
It was a very light day.
Was it a day with...
AS MATT BAKER: "Me, Matt Baker."
Or was it Chris Evans?
It was...
AS MATT BAKER: "Me, Matt Baker,"
and Mary came on...
AS MATT BAKER: "It's me, Matt Baker,
from the One Show."
I think what we've learnt from that,
ladies and gentlemen, is that Rob
can't do Chris Evans.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well... So, little Mary, comes on
the show and we want to re-home her,
we gave her lots of treats because
she was on television,
she came to sit on me and then
the treats all became a bit much,
under the lights, mess.
OK, so you didn't have a story
for The One Show,
you scooped up a stray dog,
pumped it full of sugar
and got your just desserts.
Why wasn't it immediately noticeable
that Mary was being sick?
Because as we were linking into
whatever came next,
it wasn't relevant,
we'd moved away from Mary.
Oh, yeah. Matt Baker was pushing
Bounty bars into a pony's face
by then.
In the meantime,
Mary is being violently sick.
- So, you're talking about something
else... - Yeah.
- We, we go onto something else.
- ..you're stroking Mary on
- your knee... Stroking Mary.
Then, Matt Baker's saying...
Matt Baker's spooning Angel Delight
into a fox.
What I want to clarify is, what's on
television at that moment?
- My face. - Your face? So,
it's a close-up of your face?
- See, it's only to here, so you
can't... - Can't see that you're
stroking Mary
- or that it's come to some sort of
fruition... - ..and you can't see
- the mess.
And they just said, "Just carry on."
OK. Did Mary stay there or did Mary
sort of think,
"Well there's sick here"?
She didn't have time to react
anyway, Matt Baker was on top of her
with a Curly Wurly, just...
Well, you've got room for more now,
haven't you? Yeah.
OK. John, when you came up
with your story,
did you realise that Mary was a dog?
Yes, of course.
You do have dog weddings.
Some owners channel their loneliness
through events
- like that, don't they? - Well, I'm
trying to... I've been to a lot of
weddings in my...
I'm just going through them -
human, human, hu...
Do you know what? I think
they might all be human.
- Now, listen, listen, dogs do...
- It is a fact that dogs get married.
- Dogs get married. - But also it is a
fact that dogs don't get married.
All right, OK.
So, John, you wrote a poem and
performed it at the wedding of Mary.
- Tell us about the experience. - Well,
it was a poem I'd already written
that had proved to be very popular
at modern weddings.
It's called I Wanna Be Yours
and the first verse goes,
"Let me be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust,
"Let me be your Morris Marina,
I will never rust.
"If you like your coffee hot,
let me be your coffee pot.
"You call the shots,
I wanna be yours."
It goes on for another three verses.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you.
Who is Mary's owner and
do you know the owner?
Yes, Mary's owners live
next door but one
on the right hand side of our house.
- Going out... - Right. - If you're going
out, she's on the right-hand side.
- No, it's a good point.
- So, if you go in the back door,
they're on the left, aren't they?
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm happy with that.
And, John, describe the...
What was the ceremony like?
It was conducted by the vet...
..who had neutered her husband.
It's kind of sick.
If the arrangements had have been
explained to me beforehand,
- I don't think I would
have got involved. - Yeah.
What was the husband's name,
the dog that was fulfilling
- the role of the husband here,
do you remember the name? - Tyson.
Tyson?
Did you know Tyson, the owners of
Tyson, or did you only know
the owners of Mary?
I knew the owners of Mary better,
but I did know the owners of
Tyson, as well.
- So, Tyson and Mary weren't owned by
the same people? - No. No. - So, how were
they going to cohabit?
- Cos usually dogs tend to live with
their... - Well, good question. - ..tend
to live with their owners
- rather than setting up home on
their own. - Good question, David.
Tyson lived next door but one
on the left going out.
So, they saw a lot of each other
without actually cohabitating.
John, where did the wedding
itself take place?
Um...
At a place called...Old Hall.
They breed their own sheep.
So, as it happens,
Mary did have a little lamb.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lee. OK, remind us.
So, this is Mary and when she
was pining for her owners,
- I stayed up with her all night
and comforted her with a song. - Aww.
Where were you? And why were you
with Mary? And why was Mary not with
her owners?
My next door neighbours,
they went away to a wedding -
a human wedding, I don't know
if you've heard of them -
and they asked me and my wife to
look after little Mary.
So, the dog came round
to your house...
Well, no, we picked him up cos
he doesn't know the way.
- And so is Mary male?
- You just called him a he.
Do you always call Mary "he"?
Well, yeah, no. Sorry - she.
Sorry, I always get mixed up.
My husband Tara sorts it all out,
I don't.
So, what happened then?
My wife went to bed and the kids
were asleep, so it's just me and
Mary.
You know, I was watching the TV and
she was fine, she was happy
just sort of lying in front of the
fire and then suddenly it started.
What? The programme,
it was brilliant!
The pining.
HE PINES PITIFULLY
Awww...
So, this pining it got worse,
the pining got worse and worse
and it was breaking my heart,
it really was,
and ruining the show I
was watching. So, I...
It wasn't, it was The One Show,
I didn't care. I phoned up...
Your wife goes to bed before
The One Show?
- No, David. I'd recorded it.
- Good boy! - I always record it.
- You record The One Show? - Watch it
when there's literally nothing else
to watch.
And I phoned up my neighbour who
was at the wedding
and I said, "Look, Mary's pining."
She said, "Have you tried
everything?"
I said, "I've done everything. I've
taken my foot off her tail. I've..."
So, they said - well you're not
going to believe this - they said,
"But there is a way that you can
keep her calm and she calms down."
Right. "Do you by any chance
have the song
"Money For Nothing by Dire Straits?"
And she said, the owner said,
"If you play that song on
your CD player,
"Mary will calm down."
So, I get the CD, I put it on and it
was like magic.
It was unbelievable, the second
it went...
HE SINGS THE GUITAR INTRO
Look!
The dog! Can I just say, you won't
be needing any more biscuits,
I'll take it from here.
HE CONTINUES GUITAR RIFF
And she... Look, she's calm,
she's calming down.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team - is Mary,
Alex's poorly pup,
John's married mutt or
Lee's homesick hound?
Well, I must say, I'm not finding
Lee's story as
quite as convincing as usual.
You can imagine John reading that
poem out at a dog's wedding.
Very easily.
Hold on a second, guys. I think
Mary's getting a little bit bored,
so we'll let her pop off.
APPLAUSE
- Look, we thought that might happen.
So... - So, we're going to get down on
all fours and put this wig on.
Ah, no way.
You know what's going to happen,
David, just to warn you, if this
works tonight,
they'll start replacing
other people with cut-outs and we're
out of a job.
I'm sorry. I'm just, like, if
someone just tunes in now and goes
"What the hell?"
And, "I don't know what they're
doing, but that dog is very well
behaved."
Playing with the remote,
"Is this on pause?"
That's it, nobody move, just really
shock the audience.
APPLAUSE
Can I just say, that's not going
to work if you clap.
OK. Greg, what do you think?
The dog throwing up on The One Show?
I believe Matt Baker's capable
of that cruelty,
but I...on this occasion I
don't think he did, no.
I mean, I'm erring on
the side of John. OK.
- It's got to be John, I want it to be
so badly. - Yeah, I do as well.
- I think we're going to go with
John, then, are we? - OK.
You're saying it's John? Right.
Now, Mary is resting,
so I will give Mary's
answer for her.
Get behind the cardboard cut-out.
IN GRUFF VOICE: My name is Mary.
And I do Tommy Cooper impressions!
- I'm doing a dog! - I'm sorry.
That's not a good image.
You are genuine...
I'm not just saying it.
You look at that, you are
genuinely to scale
as if you were a jockey on a horse.
LAUGHTER
My name is Mary and I
can reveal that
I was sick on Alex during
The One Show. Thank you very much.
No!
Cooper Clarke's a genius.
Well, which brings us to our
final round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lee.
I once took my trunks off in
the communal area of
a ladies' changing room,
after getting out of a pool and
misreading the signs through
my foggy goggles.
David's team?
So, where was the swimming pool?
It was at the leisure centre. Oh,
right. Where was the leisure centre?
Just next to the swimming pool.
- It was my local leisure centre. OK.
- Did anyone see your genitalia?
Four people looked,
but no one saw it.
I'm keen to know, at which point
where you planning to
take off your goggles?
When I get out of the pool,
I shake off like that,
I turn back to let them have
a nice look and then I...
I put the goggles up. There's no way
you'd keep your goggles on for
the walk.
Well, I am short-sighted and they
are prescription goggles
and I wouldn't have been able to.
- So, you were going to wear them
home? - Not wear them home, no.
I was going to put my glasses
on that were in the dressing room.
So, the reason you kept the goggles
on that stopped you being able to
see... I know, the irony!
..was so that you could see.
The irony.
So, you get into the changing rooms.
Yes. Now, it's goggles off
like that. Yeah.
- And... - So, now you can't see
anything now.
I can't see, I can't see a thing
now.
There was actually no one in the
room, it's trunks down like that.
- Yeah? - Yep. - And that's,
that's when I heard the voice.
And what was the voice?
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Hello,
I live in your trunks."
No. No, that's another story
for next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the children's book you're
working on.
I still feel publishers will
be nervous.
So, I go in, I do that, I bend over.
Speedos down and...
Is that your technique,
goggles off, pants down?
I mean, do you not go to
your locker?
I would take the goggles off,
put them in the locker. I wouldn't
go goggles off, pants down.
- Right, where's my locker?
- I was at the locker.
- What did the voice say?
- The voice said, "Excuse me."
And I said, "Excuse me. I'm not
sure you should be in here."
Did you not question
yourself at this point?
Question myself? I questioned her?
"What are you doing in the men's
changing room?" I said.
- Alex, could you say excuse me
at the relevant point? - OK. Ready?
Come out here, this is
exactly how it went.
- Where are we going? - I'll
walk you from the... - Oh. - So, I've
left my child in the pool...
"Daddy'll be back in a minute.
If they go down - blow, blow."
Am I drying over here, or something?
You're in the shower, actually.
Right, I get out the pool. At this
point the goggles aren't yet steamed
up?
The goggles are on, they're a bit
wet and I walked in.
I'm now, I'm in there and then
I think, "Right."
- And then I look up with my goggles,
it's goggles off... - Off, pants down.
- ..trunks down.
Excuse me.
You're that woman from The One Show.
This is the ladies. Get out,
you pervert.
- I think you'll find this is
the men's changing room. - Hang on a
minute. No, that's not right,
because if you said that to her,
"I think you'll find this is the
men's changing room."
and you believed it, then your
system would kick back in again -
bam - the pants would be down.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no. I wasn't going
make a point and go,
"Right. Come on, then. Beat that."
So, no. So, then the woman said to
me, she said, "Excuse me." I
panicked and I said, you know,
I said, "Excuse me. This is the
men's." She said, "No, this is the
women's."
For a minute I thought she was
wrong, but then I thought,
"Oh, my god. She might be right."
And then another woman came in and
then a third woman. But I'm so
argumentative,
it wasn't till the fourth woman came
in that I considered that I'd made a
mistake.
So, what do you think?
Was he telling the truth there,
David's team?
- I think it's without a question
a lie. - And you think?
In fact, if it is the truth,
I'm prepared to pull my trousers and
pants down right now on this show.
AUDIENCE: Whoooo!
Hoh-hoh-hoh!
I'm not comfortable with that sort
of forfeit
becoming part of the format of
this game.
- So, you are willing to say, that you
are willing to drop your trousers,
if this is true? - Yeah.
Can we get you some goggles, as well?
I don't need them, my eyes will
be closed.
Well, I think we're saying
it's a lie.
I'd like to say that I'm not willing
to do anything at all
if we happen to be wrong.
- So, you're all saying...
- It's only a game, for god's sake.
So, you say it's a lie. OK.
Lee, was it the truth or
was it a lie?
It is in fact, Greg,
true.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can I just say that I just
whispered, "Can you change it?"
cos it was in fact a lie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Lee didn't
take his trunks off in
the ladies' changing room
because of his foggy goggles.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show
and I can reveal that the scores are
tied with two points each.
APPLAUSE
But of course it's not
just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is John Cooper Clarke.
Yes, John Cooper Clarke.
And, of course, John will be given
a hero's welcome when he gets
back home to the distant planet
where he was hatched. Goodnight.