Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Episode #9.2 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?
the show in which it pays to be
economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight a man who
recently received a prestigious
award for slapstick comedy.
It was a real pat on the back,
followed by a kick up the bum
and a pie in the face.
It's Bob Mortimer.
And a comedy actress,
a comedy actress who collects
vintage clothes for a hobby.
Have a look in David's wardrobe,
you'll be in for a treat.
It's Katherine Parkinson.
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight a sports fanatic
and one of those finest BBC
presenters.
Football, cricket, boxing -
just three of the things she could
beat me at.
It's Gabby Logan.
And wildlife expert,
who is always on the lookout
for strange and unusual species.
So, if halfway through the show
he throws a net over Lee,
we'll know why.
It's Steve Backshall.
And we begin of course
with Round 1 - Home Truths -
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Gabby is first up tonight.
Gabby, please reveal all.
I once had to give Alan Hansen
a piggyback across a muddy car park
because he didn't want
to ruin his new suede shoes.
Lee's team.
Who is Alan Hansen?
LAUGHTER
- He is, he WAS one of the...
- Are you serious, by the way?
- No. - Oh, OK.
No, I, I think he's the handsome
Thunderbird-y one.
Yes, that's right, yes.
- Where was this? - Old Trafford.
- That was the muddy field? - No, the
car park outside of Old Trafford.
Oh, it was the car park
of Old Trafford.
Yeah, it was a very wet typical
kind of north west day...
Let's not be northernist.
The car park was actually flooded
in some areas and quite wet
and we'd had an evening match,
it was an FA cup replay
and he was joking about his shoes
and I for a laugh said,
"Just jump on."
And how far?
LAUGHTER
How do you, how do you think
I got to host Match of the Day?
How far did you take it, him?
It wasn't far, we'd just come
out where the studio is
and it was probably from here
to that camera over there.
Mark Lawrenson said, "Oh, don't
worry, Gabby'll give you a lift."
and I said, "I will. I'm strong."
So, Mark Lawrenson suggested it to
Alan Hansen to jump on her back?
- No, because...
- Who is Mark Lawrenson?
- Al said, - IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Shall..." Oh, hang on a second.
Al said, "Um..."
Please don't start impressions
because he will start.
It's all I ask of you tonight.
- Tell me Ronnie Corbett wasn't there.
- AS ALAN HANSEN: "Is it all right if I
jump on your back, Gabby?"
- Is that Mark Lawrenson or Alan
Hansen? That's Alan Hansen.
Right, OK. - Alan Hansen.
- And Mark Lawrenson went,
- IN SCOUSE ACCENT: "Eh, go on.
Jump on her back!" and...
You, you feel like you were there,
don't you? You feel like
you were with us.
AS ALAN HANSEN: If you're going
to come here doing Alan Hansen,
you've go to be absolutely sure
you do Alan Hansen voice.
HE SLURS HIS WORDS
..can't understand what
he's saying anyway.
Sorry. Rob, Rob - two words
for you -
Duncan Bannatyne,
that's what you're doing.
- Alan Hansen is, - AS ALAN HANSEN:
"That is awful defending."
- What? - "Awful defending."
Who are you doing now?
That's Harry Secombe.
- So, I still want to focus
on the details. - OK.
Has Hansen in any way given you
any warning or has he just lunged
at your...
To be fair, he did. He went, "Oh,
she wouldn't be able to carry me."
and that was a red rag to a bull.
- I just went, "Yes, I will."
- It all just sounds awful.
I know. Maybe, I don't know,
I get used to that kind,
those kinds of requests
at work, you know.
So, what do you think?
Could she have done this?
Well, I mean I'm still not entirely
sure who Alan Hansen is.
I've got very confused with all these
different impressions
because they're all quite different.
It's just the, Duncan Bannatyne,
who always goes like that...
- SLURRED SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"I do, I don't do this, doing it
- anyway after the, I'm out."
- So, what are you going to say?
- I wish Alan Hansen had a catchphrase
that would have helped me.
- He did. - AS ALAN HANSEN: You'll never
win anything with kids.
- You'll never wear anything with kids?
You'll never WIN anything with kids.
That's a phrase you don't want
to be taken out of context.
- He was referring to Manchester
United... - Oh, right. - ..who had
very young...
Who had children playing for them.
All right, what's it going to be?
- I'm, I'm sure it's true.
- You think it's true?
I don't think it's true. I, sorry.
I just have this feeling deep inside
that Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson
don't speak to Gabby.
LAUGHTER
I just...
I, er... That's...
I know what you mean.
I've been swayed now.
Since I don't know who any
of these people are,
maybe you should go with Bob.
- OK, Bob will take leadership...
- OK.
..and responsibility,
as we say it is a lie.
- So, Gabby, truth or lie?
- It is tr...
a lie.
Oh. Clever.
Yes, it's a lie.
Gabby didn't give Alan Hansen
a piggyback across a muddy car park.
Bob, you're up next.
As a teenager I used to terrorise
my neighbourhood with a game
I invented called
Theft and Shrubbery.
What were the rules
of Theft and Shrubbery?
Can I first of all say my memories
of this are a bit sketchy.
Always handy for this game. Yeah.
No, but I mean, I'm an older
gentleman, they're more like,
you know,
just fingerprints
on an abandoned handrail.
So, just barely existent.
Even while you poetically describe
the aging process,
another part of your brain
is inventing the rules
of a fictional game.
- It's theft and shrubbery. - Yeah.
It's a game that I played
in my youth, in my teens,
on the Lakes estate
in Middlesbrough.
I would probably be 14 or 15.
I hope that's all the information
you need.
So, the question is -
is it true, or is it a lie?
Do you have any recollection...
Don't push it, that will do.
- ..as to what this game involved?
- Yes, of course. - Of course.
In which case, I'm satisfied
and there's no need to tell.
What, what were the rules?
There would have to be
a gang of you,
I would usually be with,
Staver and Bagger.
I didn't realise you knew
Hobbits as a child.
Neil Overall, Gerry Dungaree's son,
because he was...
He didn't take his father's name?
Hated him, hated him. So, and Gary
Cheeseman would be there.
The reason he was called Cheesy
is because his mum used to give him
a cheese...
- Do you know the cheese slice? - Yeah.
- ..to take out with him when we're
hanging round the shops and that.
Cos she thought it was good
for his spots.
And she'd want him to put
a cheese slice on.
Surely, it's because of his surname
Cheeseman?
No, no. That's, the thing!
I mean, that was part of it?
No, Gary Cheeseman was a big lad,
yeah, had a very big head.
A sniper's dream they used
to call him.
Well, he's such a nice...
The thing is, he's such a nice lad
and he was a, he was a...
I love these points
in the show where we say,
"Bob, let's all gather round
the fireside,
"you can tell us tales
of your youth!"
- So, the rules of the game.
- Theft and shrubbery.
- The rules of the game, Theft and...
- Shrubbery. - ..Shrubbery...
..were relatively simple.
You had to creep into the back
of someone's house and observe
the family watching the telly or
whatever they're doing, yeah.
- It's getting a bit sinister
now, Bob. - Yeah, I know. I'm sorry,
it's what we...
- Is this, is this at night? - This is on
the evening time, yeah. We...
So, so the family is, as it were,
back lit by the domestic lighting.
- Yes, it's beautiful. - Yeah.
..and then you'd find one where
the curtains were open... Yeah?
..go to the rear of the garden
and then you'd slowly walk towards
the window... Right.
..try not to disturb 'em and you'd
chant increasingly,
increasing the volume as you went,
"We do beg your pardon...
"..but we are in your garden."
LAUGHTER
And then you gradually get closer
and closer to the window
and as soon as you were seen,
that's when shrubbery comes in.
Which was what?
You were not allowed to escape
via the front of the property,
you had to go across all the fences.
Cos you're a teenager, what you're
really waiting for is someone to
make a noise or give yourself away,
- so that you all have to go run,
run through all the gardens to...
- That's the shrubbery part?
- That's the shrubbery part.
- What's the theft part? - The theft is,
is, we just always felt that we were
- stealing something from them.
I don't know. - Their privacy.
Their privacy, their dignity.
So, you're going up the garden,
saying louder and louder,
"We do beg your pardon,
we are in your garden.
- "We do beg your pardon, we are in
your garden." till you're shouting
it. - How, loud did you get?
Elderly people who are hard
of hearing, you probably go,
SHOUTING "We do beg your pardon,
"we are in your garden."
before they notice it.
Yeah.
This game can't have lasted
I'm imagining very long before
people kind or rumbled you and...
No, it was just one of the games,
you know, that we did.
It could be, Theft and Shrubbery
night. There was another night
where we used to take fruit
from a fruit vendor's wagon
and throw that up in the air
and just let it drop on our heads.
LAUGHTER
Something tells me you played
that quite a lot, Bob.
Next time, don't use melons.
Cheeseman was very good at it.
- So, what do you think, David?
- Steve, what do you think?
My concern is the details
are so utterly believable
and sound like they're real,
but if it wasn't actually a game
he spent an awful lot of time
looking through people's windows.
I'm, I'm coming down
on the side of true.
Yeah, I know it sounds odd,
but I just believe it.
- You're going to say true. - Yep.
OK. So, Theft and Shrubbery,
Bob, truth or lie.
I was telling...
the truth.
APPLAUSE
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Miller.
So, Steve, what is Miller to you?
This is Miller, he presented me
with a trophy after I rowed two miles
down a river on an inflatable rhino.
Gabby, how do you know Miller?
This is Miller and I know Miller
because we often take
one of my dogs flying.
And finally, David, what's
your relationship with Miller?
This is Miller, I accidentally
outbid him for a cuckoo clock
when I sneezed at an auction.
- Lee's team where do you want to
start? - Shall we start with, who do
- you want to start with, Steve? - Yeah.
So, just remind us again, because
I'm confused with the words...
So, he gave me a trophy after
I rowed two miles down a river
on an inflatable rhinoceros.
What a man. Ah.
LAUGHTER
Katherine, did I ever tell you about
the time I rowed down the river
on a real rhinoceros?
On its horn. Just saying.
Why have you kept in touch, Steve?
Ah, well we haven't.
Did you not like him?
It takes place in Fort William in
Scotland and I very rarely go there.
And is this an annual event?
Yes, it's the river that runs down
the side of Ben Nevis,
which is a white water river
and it's run on lilos usually.
I've been on that river. Amazingly,
I honeymooned very near there.
- You weren't there at the time that
this event was taking place?
- No, but I know that that is true.
That Fort William is near Ben Nevis,
so that bit...
This is the bit I'm worried about
now because I need your help
and so far you've gone, "Oh, this
is true, there is a mountain."
What's the such a big deal
about Miller that he got
to present the trophy?
God, that's very aggressively put.
Yeah, what does Miller do? The race
the race is run to raise money for
the Lochaber mountain rescue.
Not run, it's sailed.
It's PADDLED to raise money for
the mountain rescue and...
Ah, what a man.
Was everyone else on an
inflatable animal?
Everyone else was on lilos.
As in the traditional - what I'm
thinking of as a lilo is -
just like a bed that's inflatable.
Traditional what you sleep on
when you go camping, yeah.
So, it's a fun event where it's like
the water equivalent of a fun run.
You've got to try and stay on
in a hostile environment
- on a lilo that's not designed
for it. - Exactly.
So, why have you, why did you choose
to do it a rhino?
I was going off script.
I went down to Toys R Us to try
and get what I thought would be a -
I wanted to get an inflatable
T Rex but they didn't have one
they just had a rhino.
So, you're saying there's a great
big Toys R Us next to Ben Nevis?
That's not true. That's not true.
All right, who are you
going to move onto?
OK, Gabby. Tell me again,
something about dogs flying.
So... Miller has his pilot's licence
- and we take my dog flying
occasionally. - We?
- Me and Miller.
- You two take the dog?
- Yes, Miller flies the plane.
- And what do you do?
- You're a passenger or are you
learning to fly? - No, I... Not yet,
I'm not learning to fly yet.
- But, um... - That's instantly much
more credible because I thought you
meant that your dog flew on it's own.
I'd already excluded you from this,
but now I understand.
It's not you who wants to go, it's
the dog that wants to go, Gabby?
No, initially I wanted to go.
It was an accident the first time.
We... he kept his light aircraft
at an airfield and I had taken...
I was taking the dog for a walk
in a park nearby
and basically I was supposed to meet
my husband to hand the dog over.
He'd got delayed and I turned up
and I was about to say,
I'm really sorry, it's not going to
happen today, I've got the dog,
and Miller's up for it and he said,
- Just bring the dog with you. - Right,
and... - And that was the first time.
- So, what happened the second time?
- Well, the dog just loved it.
The dog, like, you know...
- Did it tell you?
When this man approached you with
a plane nearby you just, you...
..you were happy to assume
he was a pilot that would take
your dog up, did you?
No, we, we pre-arranged
the whole thing.
I don't think you've told us
the breed.
- Boxer. - Boxer. - Boxer.
- Boxer's a big dog.
- Milo's a boxer. Yeah. - Big dog,
a boxer. Does he wear a seatbelt?
- Yes, but he doesn't, honestly he's
so laid back... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- He just kind of like sinks into the
seat and... - He wears a seat belt?
- Well, you strap him in...
I know how to put a seat belt on.
Are you are you sure he's not
terrified?
He's never peed himself on these
little hops.
Yeah, but what about the boxer?
OK. So, this is the bit now, it's
the detail. It's the seat belt.
- A dog in a seat belt. - A seat belt
on, because the first time, because
I didn't know if he'd react OK,
so I being his, you know,
his mummy. His...
- No, you're not his mummy, Gabby.
Either that or your husband is very
ugly. - No, but in his...
Final question. If there's a bit
of turbulence, do you ever
turn round to him and say,
"Is it windy, Miller?"
LAUGHTER
Now, what about, what about David
and the cuckoo clock?
Oh, wow. There you go.
Well, I'd be interested to know
what your accidental out bid was,
for what amount?
I think it was about ?250.
And had you been bidding up to that
point then stopped? I had not, no.
- You'd not bid at all? - No. - What were
you there for?
I was there because my wife
wanted to buy a dining room table.
MFI was shut, was it?
No, because, as you've had
occasion to mention, Lee,
I'm terribly, terribly posh.
Right. And so you could feel it
coming on as the bit, were you
worried that this was going to...
No, I wasn't. I didn't think this
would happen. I think this
is a ridiculous thing.
If you'd told me beforehand would
this happen, I'd say, no. I would
never believe anything
like that could happen.
You'll have to convince us,
we're struggling.
I get hay fever at some times of the
year and this was one of those times.
You're not going end this story
with, weirdly every time I sneeze,
I hold up a number?
I didn't hold up the number,
I sort of had the number there,
but I didn't hold it up.
What did you do then?
I, I sneezed. Surely, if the system
is you hold up a number,
at some point your hand must have
come up, as well. You're echoing
my very words.
That's what I said. Of course,
it's a ridiculous situation.
Someone sneezed, they just happen
to have the number slightly visible
and the auctioneer takes that as a
bid. What sort of a system's that?
Let's have a quick
re-enactment of the moment.
I mean, you were at 230, 240, ?240
going to the gentleman in the nice
soft crushed velvet...
HE SNEEZES
- ?250... - What? No! What kind
of system is this?
How lovely that David Mitchell
has bid for this
and the money will go to a good
home. Thank you, David.
Oh, no. Please, auctioneer...
Oh, all right, I'll be quiet.
This is so embarrassing.
So, how did you make the connection
with the Miller?
Because I was aware that he'd made
the penultimate bid, but I tiptoed
up to him afterwards and asked
if he wanted to buy it for the...
For his last bid.
..for his last bid.
So, I would only have been...
I think it'd been about a tenner
less than I bid.
But if you exploded like that,
I don't believe you would have
tiptoed.
And I probably didn't actually
tiptoe. I wasn't actually...
I was probably resting on the heels
of my feet. But I, I walked,
what I thought was quite discreetly.
Although, I accidentally bought
a couple of vases on the way.
All right, we need an answer. So...
Is Miller Steve's prize presenter,
Gabby's pet pilot or David's
clock collector?
Well, I believe that he gets hay
fever, David,
but none of the rest of it.
- So, you believe the cool thing? - Yeah.
- So, Katherine you're saying it's
not David? - I don't think it's David.
I believe Steve's won trophies
but none of the rest of it.
So, I believe Gabby. I think
that all sounds very true.
- You believe she likes to take her
boxer dog flying? - Yep. - With Miller.
- Yep. - I don't think you can take
a dog on a plane, you know.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
- You can take dogs on planes if you
go through the correct channels.
- Really? - You can.
They sent a dog into space.
They never got it back!
They sent a dog into space!
I don't believe Gabby's story,
but I do think he looks like a pilot.
Now, you see, if we were
to add looks, I would say,
it's the only time
I am going towards David.
He looks like a man who's
desperate for a cuckoo clock.
- He looks like a man whose budgie
recently died... - Mm. Aw. - ..and he's
looking for some company.
Once an hour, but just
for a split second.
- I'm with Gabby. - You think
it's Gabby, you're saying...
- I say Steve. All three of us
are agreed it's not David. Yes. - Yep.
We're going with Gabby
and the flying.
You're saying it's Gabby,
it's the dog in the plane.
- Miller, would you please reveal
your true identity. - OK, I'm Miller,
I presented Steve with a trophy
for riding down
a river on an inflatable rhino!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Miller gave Steve a trophy.
Thank you, Miller.
Which brings us to our final round
Quick Fire Lies and we start with...
It's Lee.
Last month, I was honoured to be
made captain of my netball team.
David.
How many players are there
in a netball team? What?
How many players are there
in a netball team?
You didn't let me finish
the sentence.
Last month, I was honoured to be
made captain of my netball team.
Shortly afterwards I was
sacked after I picked
the wrong amount of players.
- That was my problem,
as captain I never knew.
- I'm fairly sure it's a lie. - FIVE!
- Five. - Five. Five, is that
correct? - Five. - No, no.
Go through the positions for me
then, will you? Remind me again
what they are.
This is afterwards.
Afterwards having a drink now.
So, you play with two less
than most other teams.
That's why we were so good.
I'll tell you what it was,
there was quite a lot of players.
I was, as captain,
I was getting people on and off
all the time, and, er... So, you
lost track of how many were on.
You had rolling subs, did you?
Rolling subs, yeah. That was her
name, that was her nickname anyway.
She waddled on like that. Come on,
let her have a go, old rolling subs.
She got the nickname cos she'd
eaten too many subways, sandwiches.
What's the name of the team? Er...
Well, I go by their, their initials.
One was called GK, one was, er...
What's the name of the overall team?
Yeah, that's, that's what
was on their overalls.
No, it was, um, er... the...
So, the team they were all women
apart from myself because I'm a man.
A man's man. So, it wasn't a men's
netball team? It was a women's
netball team with one man?
- No, a women's netball team, but I
was asked to be... - What position do
- you play? I played the goal keeper.
- Ah. - Not the net keeper,
that's the mistake I made.
- Is it not goal defence? - No, you have
a goal keeper and a goal defence.
- Do you? - Hm, yes. - Thank God for that!
I don't think we established
the name of the team.
They must have had a name.
OK. So, basically I will, I will
now come up with six names of girls.
- If you make me... - No, no, we don't
want... - The team name.
- Team name. - I thought you meant
names of the members of team. - No!
Otherwise, we would have said what
were the girls called.
What is the team name?
Like, there's the Surrey Storm.
So, were these the Lee's ladies?
I got it, it was the Surrey Storm.
The Surrey. It wasn't, it was the...
It wasn't, that would be too much
of a coincidence.
It was Esher Ladies. Esher Ladies?
I was very strict about having to
change the name to Esher.
This is a curious turn of events,
how did it come about?
My wife is in the team and...
So are you, remember.
Well, I was only in it for a short
period of time, I think you'll find.
Because this was only last month, so
I've only just joined it, this is...
You've been immediately made captain.
Listen, the first day I turned up
here I was made captain
what's the difference?
Some of us just have a presence.
I genuinely am not allowed
on boats anymore
because people keep pushing
me at the front and say steer.
You're allowed to have one, two,
three... could you have seven men
playing in the ladies league?
No, you're thinking
of the men's league.
In this ladies league, how many
men are permissible per team.
Usually, under normal circumstances,
zero. Right.
- But they made an exception.
- Did they not notice you were a man?
The team loses every single week
and they've become a bit of a joke
in the Surrey's ladies league,
so I turned up, they were a player
short, and they said,
look you know you're going to lose,
you always lose, is there any chance
at all we can just have my husband
playing, as well? I went on and -
I wouldn't have got on but rolling
subs was feeling a bit sick.
She'd had five that day,
she was shovelling them in.
"Oh, you go on, Lee.
I'm having another one."
And so I went on and they said -
I think it was a little bit
of a token thing -
they said, let's make him captain
cos of his large hands. Captain
Large Hands they called me.
So, what are you thinking, David?
Is this true?
What do you think?
It sounds remarkably untrue.
- Do you think it happened? - No I,
I don't think it happened at all.
- I don't think it happened.
You're going to say it's a lie,
all right.
Goal keeper, truth or lie?
It is in fact a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Lee is not
the captain of a netball team.
Next.
It's Katherine.
No matter how hard I try, I can
never properly pronounce the name
Mick Huckernall.
David's team.
Well, um, you seemed to pronounce it
perfectly there.
I mean, it's similar to Mick
Hucknall, but I'm...
With an E and an R in it. Yeah.
Well, I would I would pronounce
Mick Huckernall as Mick Hucknall
and Mick Hucknall I pronounce
as Mick Huckernall.
And that's the problem.
The Simply Red singer. So, who's
the singer with Simply Red?
Mick Huckernall.
You can say Mick Hucknall but not
when you mean Mick Hucknall.
That's right, yeah. When I say...
What do you have to mean in order
to say Mick Hucknall?
- Mick Huckernall. - Right. OK.
So, who is Mick Huckernall?
I've never met...
It's not a name one needs to say,
unlike Mick Hucknall.
Well, to... When I say Mick
Huckernall I mean Mick Hucknall.
- But, I've never met a Mick
Huckernall... - There you said,
when you say Mick Huckernall
- you mean Mick Hucknall. - That's right,
it's a bit... - When you say Mick
Hucknall, you mean Mick Huckernall.
What you were saying is, when you say
Mick Huckernall you mean Mick
Huckernall, which means
you can say Mick Huckernall
to mean Mick Huckernall.
So, you're fine. It's a lie.
- But when I say Mick Hucknall
to you... - Yeah.
..pronouncing it correctly,
I'm imagining it as spelt
like Mick Huckernall.
SHE GIGGLES
Don't look at me,
you're on your own!
Are there other words you get
completely wrong.
There's things like, spontan-AYOUS.
- I know I'm not pronouncing that in
the correct way. - What are you
actually trying to pronounce there?
If something's a spontan-AYOUS
event. Or, or... spontan-AYOUS
combustion.
Why don't you try and say
spontan-AYOUS and then you can
explain to Gabby
what you mean by spontan-AYOUS.
No, I'm Spontan-AYOUS.
Spartacus.
Were you relieved when Simply Red
disbanded and stopped
releasing albums?
I was relieved and, you know, but
it's a problem as an actress when
you have to sort of read scripts
- and, and, you can't, so I have to
have them re-written.
- Regularly have Mick Huckernall.
You could concentrate on working
in sort of classic theatre before...
- because I don't think Shakespeare
mentions Mick Hucknall... - No, no.
- ..more than a couple of times.
A script without his name in it
though is SIMPLY read.
- So, what do you think, David?
- What do you think?
I think it has a ring of truth.
I just can't imagine you having to
say Mick Hucknall that often.
- What do you think, Gabby? - She says
Mick Hucknall so beautifully.
I think you're through it -
and it's great that you could share
it tonight -
but I think, if only in honour
of Katherine's full recovery
we have to say that it's a lie.
Oh, OK. Katherine, truth or lie?
That was in fact, er...
a lie.
BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team
have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE
But of course it's not just a team
game and my individual Liar
of the Week this week
is Gabby Logan.
Yes, Gabby Logan, a woman
who could lie for England.
Which is quite an achievement
considering she's Welsh.
Good night.
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?
the show in which it pays to be
economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight a man who
recently received a prestigious
award for slapstick comedy.
It was a real pat on the back,
followed by a kick up the bum
and a pie in the face.
It's Bob Mortimer.
And a comedy actress,
a comedy actress who collects
vintage clothes for a hobby.
Have a look in David's wardrobe,
you'll be in for a treat.
It's Katherine Parkinson.
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight a sports fanatic
and one of those finest BBC
presenters.
Football, cricket, boxing -
just three of the things she could
beat me at.
It's Gabby Logan.
And wildlife expert,
who is always on the lookout
for strange and unusual species.
So, if halfway through the show
he throws a net over Lee,
we'll know why.
It's Steve Backshall.
And we begin of course
with Round 1 - Home Truths -
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Gabby is first up tonight.
Gabby, please reveal all.
I once had to give Alan Hansen
a piggyback across a muddy car park
because he didn't want
to ruin his new suede shoes.
Lee's team.
Who is Alan Hansen?
LAUGHTER
- He is, he WAS one of the...
- Are you serious, by the way?
- No. - Oh, OK.
No, I, I think he's the handsome
Thunderbird-y one.
Yes, that's right, yes.
- Where was this? - Old Trafford.
- That was the muddy field? - No, the
car park outside of Old Trafford.
Oh, it was the car park
of Old Trafford.
Yeah, it was a very wet typical
kind of north west day...
Let's not be northernist.
The car park was actually flooded
in some areas and quite wet
and we'd had an evening match,
it was an FA cup replay
and he was joking about his shoes
and I for a laugh said,
"Just jump on."
And how far?
LAUGHTER
How do you, how do you think
I got to host Match of the Day?
How far did you take it, him?
It wasn't far, we'd just come
out where the studio is
and it was probably from here
to that camera over there.
Mark Lawrenson said, "Oh, don't
worry, Gabby'll give you a lift."
and I said, "I will. I'm strong."
So, Mark Lawrenson suggested it to
Alan Hansen to jump on her back?
- No, because...
- Who is Mark Lawrenson?
- Al said, - IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Shall..." Oh, hang on a second.
Al said, "Um..."
Please don't start impressions
because he will start.
It's all I ask of you tonight.
- Tell me Ronnie Corbett wasn't there.
- AS ALAN HANSEN: "Is it all right if I
jump on your back, Gabby?"
- Is that Mark Lawrenson or Alan
Hansen? That's Alan Hansen.
Right, OK. - Alan Hansen.
- And Mark Lawrenson went,
- IN SCOUSE ACCENT: "Eh, go on.
Jump on her back!" and...
You, you feel like you were there,
don't you? You feel like
you were with us.
AS ALAN HANSEN: If you're going
to come here doing Alan Hansen,
you've go to be absolutely sure
you do Alan Hansen voice.
HE SLURS HIS WORDS
..can't understand what
he's saying anyway.
Sorry. Rob, Rob - two words
for you -
Duncan Bannatyne,
that's what you're doing.
- Alan Hansen is, - AS ALAN HANSEN:
"That is awful defending."
- What? - "Awful defending."
Who are you doing now?
That's Harry Secombe.
- So, I still want to focus
on the details. - OK.
Has Hansen in any way given you
any warning or has he just lunged
at your...
To be fair, he did. He went, "Oh,
she wouldn't be able to carry me."
and that was a red rag to a bull.
- I just went, "Yes, I will."
- It all just sounds awful.
I know. Maybe, I don't know,
I get used to that kind,
those kinds of requests
at work, you know.
So, what do you think?
Could she have done this?
Well, I mean I'm still not entirely
sure who Alan Hansen is.
I've got very confused with all these
different impressions
because they're all quite different.
It's just the, Duncan Bannatyne,
who always goes like that...
- SLURRED SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"I do, I don't do this, doing it
- anyway after the, I'm out."
- So, what are you going to say?
- I wish Alan Hansen had a catchphrase
that would have helped me.
- He did. - AS ALAN HANSEN: You'll never
win anything with kids.
- You'll never wear anything with kids?
You'll never WIN anything with kids.
That's a phrase you don't want
to be taken out of context.
- He was referring to Manchester
United... - Oh, right. - ..who had
very young...
Who had children playing for them.
All right, what's it going to be?
- I'm, I'm sure it's true.
- You think it's true?
I don't think it's true. I, sorry.
I just have this feeling deep inside
that Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson
don't speak to Gabby.
LAUGHTER
I just...
I, er... That's...
I know what you mean.
I've been swayed now.
Since I don't know who any
of these people are,
maybe you should go with Bob.
- OK, Bob will take leadership...
- OK.
..and responsibility,
as we say it is a lie.
- So, Gabby, truth or lie?
- It is tr...
a lie.
Oh. Clever.
Yes, it's a lie.
Gabby didn't give Alan Hansen
a piggyback across a muddy car park.
Bob, you're up next.
As a teenager I used to terrorise
my neighbourhood with a game
I invented called
Theft and Shrubbery.
What were the rules
of Theft and Shrubbery?
Can I first of all say my memories
of this are a bit sketchy.
Always handy for this game. Yeah.
No, but I mean, I'm an older
gentleman, they're more like,
you know,
just fingerprints
on an abandoned handrail.
So, just barely existent.
Even while you poetically describe
the aging process,
another part of your brain
is inventing the rules
of a fictional game.
- It's theft and shrubbery. - Yeah.
It's a game that I played
in my youth, in my teens,
on the Lakes estate
in Middlesbrough.
I would probably be 14 or 15.
I hope that's all the information
you need.
So, the question is -
is it true, or is it a lie?
Do you have any recollection...
Don't push it, that will do.
- ..as to what this game involved?
- Yes, of course. - Of course.
In which case, I'm satisfied
and there's no need to tell.
What, what were the rules?
There would have to be
a gang of you,
I would usually be with,
Staver and Bagger.
I didn't realise you knew
Hobbits as a child.
Neil Overall, Gerry Dungaree's son,
because he was...
He didn't take his father's name?
Hated him, hated him. So, and Gary
Cheeseman would be there.
The reason he was called Cheesy
is because his mum used to give him
a cheese...
- Do you know the cheese slice? - Yeah.
- ..to take out with him when we're
hanging round the shops and that.
Cos she thought it was good
for his spots.
And she'd want him to put
a cheese slice on.
Surely, it's because of his surname
Cheeseman?
No, no. That's, the thing!
I mean, that was part of it?
No, Gary Cheeseman was a big lad,
yeah, had a very big head.
A sniper's dream they used
to call him.
Well, he's such a nice...
The thing is, he's such a nice lad
and he was a, he was a...
I love these points
in the show where we say,
"Bob, let's all gather round
the fireside,
"you can tell us tales
of your youth!"
- So, the rules of the game.
- Theft and shrubbery.
- The rules of the game, Theft and...
- Shrubbery. - ..Shrubbery...
..were relatively simple.
You had to creep into the back
of someone's house and observe
the family watching the telly or
whatever they're doing, yeah.
- It's getting a bit sinister
now, Bob. - Yeah, I know. I'm sorry,
it's what we...
- Is this, is this at night? - This is on
the evening time, yeah. We...
So, so the family is, as it were,
back lit by the domestic lighting.
- Yes, it's beautiful. - Yeah.
..and then you'd find one where
the curtains were open... Yeah?
..go to the rear of the garden
and then you'd slowly walk towards
the window... Right.
..try not to disturb 'em and you'd
chant increasingly,
increasing the volume as you went,
"We do beg your pardon...
"..but we are in your garden."
LAUGHTER
And then you gradually get closer
and closer to the window
and as soon as you were seen,
that's when shrubbery comes in.
Which was what?
You were not allowed to escape
via the front of the property,
you had to go across all the fences.
Cos you're a teenager, what you're
really waiting for is someone to
make a noise or give yourself away,
- so that you all have to go run,
run through all the gardens to...
- That's the shrubbery part?
- That's the shrubbery part.
- What's the theft part? - The theft is,
is, we just always felt that we were
- stealing something from them.
I don't know. - Their privacy.
Their privacy, their dignity.
So, you're going up the garden,
saying louder and louder,
"We do beg your pardon,
we are in your garden.
- "We do beg your pardon, we are in
your garden." till you're shouting
it. - How, loud did you get?
Elderly people who are hard
of hearing, you probably go,
SHOUTING "We do beg your pardon,
"we are in your garden."
before they notice it.
Yeah.
This game can't have lasted
I'm imagining very long before
people kind or rumbled you and...
No, it was just one of the games,
you know, that we did.
It could be, Theft and Shrubbery
night. There was another night
where we used to take fruit
from a fruit vendor's wagon
and throw that up in the air
and just let it drop on our heads.
LAUGHTER
Something tells me you played
that quite a lot, Bob.
Next time, don't use melons.
Cheeseman was very good at it.
- So, what do you think, David?
- Steve, what do you think?
My concern is the details
are so utterly believable
and sound like they're real,
but if it wasn't actually a game
he spent an awful lot of time
looking through people's windows.
I'm, I'm coming down
on the side of true.
Yeah, I know it sounds odd,
but I just believe it.
- You're going to say true. - Yep.
OK. So, Theft and Shrubbery,
Bob, truth or lie.
I was telling...
the truth.
APPLAUSE
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Miller.
So, Steve, what is Miller to you?
This is Miller, he presented me
with a trophy after I rowed two miles
down a river on an inflatable rhino.
Gabby, how do you know Miller?
This is Miller and I know Miller
because we often take
one of my dogs flying.
And finally, David, what's
your relationship with Miller?
This is Miller, I accidentally
outbid him for a cuckoo clock
when I sneezed at an auction.
- Lee's team where do you want to
start? - Shall we start with, who do
- you want to start with, Steve? - Yeah.
So, just remind us again, because
I'm confused with the words...
So, he gave me a trophy after
I rowed two miles down a river
on an inflatable rhinoceros.
What a man. Ah.
LAUGHTER
Katherine, did I ever tell you about
the time I rowed down the river
on a real rhinoceros?
On its horn. Just saying.
Why have you kept in touch, Steve?
Ah, well we haven't.
Did you not like him?
It takes place in Fort William in
Scotland and I very rarely go there.
And is this an annual event?
Yes, it's the river that runs down
the side of Ben Nevis,
which is a white water river
and it's run on lilos usually.
I've been on that river. Amazingly,
I honeymooned very near there.
- You weren't there at the time that
this event was taking place?
- No, but I know that that is true.
That Fort William is near Ben Nevis,
so that bit...
This is the bit I'm worried about
now because I need your help
and so far you've gone, "Oh, this
is true, there is a mountain."
What's the such a big deal
about Miller that he got
to present the trophy?
God, that's very aggressively put.
Yeah, what does Miller do? The race
the race is run to raise money for
the Lochaber mountain rescue.
Not run, it's sailed.
It's PADDLED to raise money for
the mountain rescue and...
Ah, what a man.
Was everyone else on an
inflatable animal?
Everyone else was on lilos.
As in the traditional - what I'm
thinking of as a lilo is -
just like a bed that's inflatable.
Traditional what you sleep on
when you go camping, yeah.
So, it's a fun event where it's like
the water equivalent of a fun run.
You've got to try and stay on
in a hostile environment
- on a lilo that's not designed
for it. - Exactly.
So, why have you, why did you choose
to do it a rhino?
I was going off script.
I went down to Toys R Us to try
and get what I thought would be a -
I wanted to get an inflatable
T Rex but they didn't have one
they just had a rhino.
So, you're saying there's a great
big Toys R Us next to Ben Nevis?
That's not true. That's not true.
All right, who are you
going to move onto?
OK, Gabby. Tell me again,
something about dogs flying.
So... Miller has his pilot's licence
- and we take my dog flying
occasionally. - We?
- Me and Miller.
- You two take the dog?
- Yes, Miller flies the plane.
- And what do you do?
- You're a passenger or are you
learning to fly? - No, I... Not yet,
I'm not learning to fly yet.
- But, um... - That's instantly much
more credible because I thought you
meant that your dog flew on it's own.
I'd already excluded you from this,
but now I understand.
It's not you who wants to go, it's
the dog that wants to go, Gabby?
No, initially I wanted to go.
It was an accident the first time.
We... he kept his light aircraft
at an airfield and I had taken...
I was taking the dog for a walk
in a park nearby
and basically I was supposed to meet
my husband to hand the dog over.
He'd got delayed and I turned up
and I was about to say,
I'm really sorry, it's not going to
happen today, I've got the dog,
and Miller's up for it and he said,
- Just bring the dog with you. - Right,
and... - And that was the first time.
- So, what happened the second time?
- Well, the dog just loved it.
The dog, like, you know...
- Did it tell you?
When this man approached you with
a plane nearby you just, you...
..you were happy to assume
he was a pilot that would take
your dog up, did you?
No, we, we pre-arranged
the whole thing.
I don't think you've told us
the breed.
- Boxer. - Boxer. - Boxer.
- Boxer's a big dog.
- Milo's a boxer. Yeah. - Big dog,
a boxer. Does he wear a seatbelt?
- Yes, but he doesn't, honestly he's
so laid back... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- He just kind of like sinks into the
seat and... - He wears a seat belt?
- Well, you strap him in...
I know how to put a seat belt on.
Are you are you sure he's not
terrified?
He's never peed himself on these
little hops.
Yeah, but what about the boxer?
OK. So, this is the bit now, it's
the detail. It's the seat belt.
- A dog in a seat belt. - A seat belt
on, because the first time, because
I didn't know if he'd react OK,
so I being his, you know,
his mummy. His...
- No, you're not his mummy, Gabby.
Either that or your husband is very
ugly. - No, but in his...
Final question. If there's a bit
of turbulence, do you ever
turn round to him and say,
"Is it windy, Miller?"
LAUGHTER
Now, what about, what about David
and the cuckoo clock?
Oh, wow. There you go.
Well, I'd be interested to know
what your accidental out bid was,
for what amount?
I think it was about ?250.
And had you been bidding up to that
point then stopped? I had not, no.
- You'd not bid at all? - No. - What were
you there for?
I was there because my wife
wanted to buy a dining room table.
MFI was shut, was it?
No, because, as you've had
occasion to mention, Lee,
I'm terribly, terribly posh.
Right. And so you could feel it
coming on as the bit, were you
worried that this was going to...
No, I wasn't. I didn't think this
would happen. I think this
is a ridiculous thing.
If you'd told me beforehand would
this happen, I'd say, no. I would
never believe anything
like that could happen.
You'll have to convince us,
we're struggling.
I get hay fever at some times of the
year and this was one of those times.
You're not going end this story
with, weirdly every time I sneeze,
I hold up a number?
I didn't hold up the number,
I sort of had the number there,
but I didn't hold it up.
What did you do then?
I, I sneezed. Surely, if the system
is you hold up a number,
at some point your hand must have
come up, as well. You're echoing
my very words.
That's what I said. Of course,
it's a ridiculous situation.
Someone sneezed, they just happen
to have the number slightly visible
and the auctioneer takes that as a
bid. What sort of a system's that?
Let's have a quick
re-enactment of the moment.
I mean, you were at 230, 240, ?240
going to the gentleman in the nice
soft crushed velvet...
HE SNEEZES
- ?250... - What? No! What kind
of system is this?
How lovely that David Mitchell
has bid for this
and the money will go to a good
home. Thank you, David.
Oh, no. Please, auctioneer...
Oh, all right, I'll be quiet.
This is so embarrassing.
So, how did you make the connection
with the Miller?
Because I was aware that he'd made
the penultimate bid, but I tiptoed
up to him afterwards and asked
if he wanted to buy it for the...
For his last bid.
..for his last bid.
So, I would only have been...
I think it'd been about a tenner
less than I bid.
But if you exploded like that,
I don't believe you would have
tiptoed.
And I probably didn't actually
tiptoe. I wasn't actually...
I was probably resting on the heels
of my feet. But I, I walked,
what I thought was quite discreetly.
Although, I accidentally bought
a couple of vases on the way.
All right, we need an answer. So...
Is Miller Steve's prize presenter,
Gabby's pet pilot or David's
clock collector?
Well, I believe that he gets hay
fever, David,
but none of the rest of it.
- So, you believe the cool thing? - Yeah.
- So, Katherine you're saying it's
not David? - I don't think it's David.
I believe Steve's won trophies
but none of the rest of it.
So, I believe Gabby. I think
that all sounds very true.
- You believe she likes to take her
boxer dog flying? - Yep. - With Miller.
- Yep. - I don't think you can take
a dog on a plane, you know.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
- You can take dogs on planes if you
go through the correct channels.
- Really? - You can.
They sent a dog into space.
They never got it back!
They sent a dog into space!
I don't believe Gabby's story,
but I do think he looks like a pilot.
Now, you see, if we were
to add looks, I would say,
it's the only time
I am going towards David.
He looks like a man who's
desperate for a cuckoo clock.
- He looks like a man whose budgie
recently died... - Mm. Aw. - ..and he's
looking for some company.
Once an hour, but just
for a split second.
- I'm with Gabby. - You think
it's Gabby, you're saying...
- I say Steve. All three of us
are agreed it's not David. Yes. - Yep.
We're going with Gabby
and the flying.
You're saying it's Gabby,
it's the dog in the plane.
- Miller, would you please reveal
your true identity. - OK, I'm Miller,
I presented Steve with a trophy
for riding down
a river on an inflatable rhino!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Miller gave Steve a trophy.
Thank you, Miller.
Which brings us to our final round
Quick Fire Lies and we start with...
It's Lee.
Last month, I was honoured to be
made captain of my netball team.
David.
How many players are there
in a netball team? What?
How many players are there
in a netball team?
You didn't let me finish
the sentence.
Last month, I was honoured to be
made captain of my netball team.
Shortly afterwards I was
sacked after I picked
the wrong amount of players.
- That was my problem,
as captain I never knew.
- I'm fairly sure it's a lie. - FIVE!
- Five. - Five. Five, is that
correct? - Five. - No, no.
Go through the positions for me
then, will you? Remind me again
what they are.
This is afterwards.
Afterwards having a drink now.
So, you play with two less
than most other teams.
That's why we were so good.
I'll tell you what it was,
there was quite a lot of players.
I was, as captain,
I was getting people on and off
all the time, and, er... So, you
lost track of how many were on.
You had rolling subs, did you?
Rolling subs, yeah. That was her
name, that was her nickname anyway.
She waddled on like that. Come on,
let her have a go, old rolling subs.
She got the nickname cos she'd
eaten too many subways, sandwiches.
What's the name of the team? Er...
Well, I go by their, their initials.
One was called GK, one was, er...
What's the name of the overall team?
Yeah, that's, that's what
was on their overalls.
No, it was, um, er... the...
So, the team they were all women
apart from myself because I'm a man.
A man's man. So, it wasn't a men's
netball team? It was a women's
netball team with one man?
- No, a women's netball team, but I
was asked to be... - What position do
- you play? I played the goal keeper.
- Ah. - Not the net keeper,
that's the mistake I made.
- Is it not goal defence? - No, you have
a goal keeper and a goal defence.
- Do you? - Hm, yes. - Thank God for that!
I don't think we established
the name of the team.
They must have had a name.
OK. So, basically I will, I will
now come up with six names of girls.
- If you make me... - No, no, we don't
want... - The team name.
- Team name. - I thought you meant
names of the members of team. - No!
Otherwise, we would have said what
were the girls called.
What is the team name?
Like, there's the Surrey Storm.
So, were these the Lee's ladies?
I got it, it was the Surrey Storm.
The Surrey. It wasn't, it was the...
It wasn't, that would be too much
of a coincidence.
It was Esher Ladies. Esher Ladies?
I was very strict about having to
change the name to Esher.
This is a curious turn of events,
how did it come about?
My wife is in the team and...
So are you, remember.
Well, I was only in it for a short
period of time, I think you'll find.
Because this was only last month, so
I've only just joined it, this is...
You've been immediately made captain.
Listen, the first day I turned up
here I was made captain
what's the difference?
Some of us just have a presence.
I genuinely am not allowed
on boats anymore
because people keep pushing
me at the front and say steer.
You're allowed to have one, two,
three... could you have seven men
playing in the ladies league?
No, you're thinking
of the men's league.
In this ladies league, how many
men are permissible per team.
Usually, under normal circumstances,
zero. Right.
- But they made an exception.
- Did they not notice you were a man?
The team loses every single week
and they've become a bit of a joke
in the Surrey's ladies league,
so I turned up, they were a player
short, and they said,
look you know you're going to lose,
you always lose, is there any chance
at all we can just have my husband
playing, as well? I went on and -
I wouldn't have got on but rolling
subs was feeling a bit sick.
She'd had five that day,
she was shovelling them in.
"Oh, you go on, Lee.
I'm having another one."
And so I went on and they said -
I think it was a little bit
of a token thing -
they said, let's make him captain
cos of his large hands. Captain
Large Hands they called me.
So, what are you thinking, David?
Is this true?
What do you think?
It sounds remarkably untrue.
- Do you think it happened? - No I,
I don't think it happened at all.
- I don't think it happened.
You're going to say it's a lie,
all right.
Goal keeper, truth or lie?
It is in fact a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Lee is not
the captain of a netball team.
Next.
It's Katherine.
No matter how hard I try, I can
never properly pronounce the name
Mick Huckernall.
David's team.
Well, um, you seemed to pronounce it
perfectly there.
I mean, it's similar to Mick
Hucknall, but I'm...
With an E and an R in it. Yeah.
Well, I would I would pronounce
Mick Huckernall as Mick Hucknall
and Mick Hucknall I pronounce
as Mick Huckernall.
And that's the problem.
The Simply Red singer. So, who's
the singer with Simply Red?
Mick Huckernall.
You can say Mick Hucknall but not
when you mean Mick Hucknall.
That's right, yeah. When I say...
What do you have to mean in order
to say Mick Hucknall?
- Mick Huckernall. - Right. OK.
So, who is Mick Huckernall?
I've never met...
It's not a name one needs to say,
unlike Mick Hucknall.
Well, to... When I say Mick
Huckernall I mean Mick Hucknall.
- But, I've never met a Mick
Huckernall... - There you said,
when you say Mick Huckernall
- you mean Mick Hucknall. - That's right,
it's a bit... - When you say Mick
Hucknall, you mean Mick Huckernall.
What you were saying is, when you say
Mick Huckernall you mean Mick
Huckernall, which means
you can say Mick Huckernall
to mean Mick Huckernall.
So, you're fine. It's a lie.
- But when I say Mick Hucknall
to you... - Yeah.
..pronouncing it correctly,
I'm imagining it as spelt
like Mick Huckernall.
SHE GIGGLES
Don't look at me,
you're on your own!
Are there other words you get
completely wrong.
There's things like, spontan-AYOUS.
- I know I'm not pronouncing that in
the correct way. - What are you
actually trying to pronounce there?
If something's a spontan-AYOUS
event. Or, or... spontan-AYOUS
combustion.
Why don't you try and say
spontan-AYOUS and then you can
explain to Gabby
what you mean by spontan-AYOUS.
No, I'm Spontan-AYOUS.
Spartacus.
Were you relieved when Simply Red
disbanded and stopped
releasing albums?
I was relieved and, you know, but
it's a problem as an actress when
you have to sort of read scripts
- and, and, you can't, so I have to
have them re-written.
- Regularly have Mick Huckernall.
You could concentrate on working
in sort of classic theatre before...
- because I don't think Shakespeare
mentions Mick Hucknall... - No, no.
- ..more than a couple of times.
A script without his name in it
though is SIMPLY read.
- So, what do you think, David?
- What do you think?
I think it has a ring of truth.
I just can't imagine you having to
say Mick Hucknall that often.
- What do you think, Gabby? - She says
Mick Hucknall so beautifully.
I think you're through it -
and it's great that you could share
it tonight -
but I think, if only in honour
of Katherine's full recovery
we have to say that it's a lie.
Oh, OK. Katherine, truth or lie?
That was in fact, er...
a lie.
BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team
have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE
But of course it's not just a team
game and my individual Liar
of the Week this week
is Gabby Logan.
Yes, Gabby Logan, a woman
who could lie for England.
Which is quite an achievement
considering she's Welsh.
Good night.