Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Episode #9.5 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You,
the show with a fondness for fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
the host of the
Radio 1 Breakfast Show,
yes, the Noel Edmonds
of our time, it's Nick Grimshaw.
APPLAUSE
And the star of Ask Rhod Gilbert,
Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience
and the Rhod Gilbert Radio Show.
Anyone?
It's Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter who's hosted
Crufts on three occasions, which
in dog years is almost a lifetime.
It's Clare Balding.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who left a New York
performing arts school with a degree
in musical theatre.
A fantastic achievement,
but he doesn't want
to make a song and dance of it.
It's the star of Catastrophe,
Rob Delaney.
APPLAUSE
And so we'll begin with Round One
Home Truths, where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll be
faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction
and Rhod is first up tonight.
One Friday after school,
I swapped our family cat
for a Scotch egg and a Smurf.
When my mum found out on Monday
morning, she made me swap them back.
Right, well, when was this,
first of all? How old were you?
13.
But more important than how old was
he or anything to do with him...
The cat, what...? I mean, we're very
concerned about the cat. I am.
I'm a bit more concerned about the
Smurf, if I'm going to be honest.
I'm most concerned...
The Scotch egg, you just...
What was your logic?
Would you hide it under your bed
for a whole weekend?
You three have a chat
and when you've worked out
collectively what you're most
concerned about, come back to me.
- Can I start with mine?
- Please do. - OK.
What was the cat called? What kind
of cat? What colour, please?
The cat was called Snowdrop
and as the name implies,
it was tortoiseshell.
Who did you swap with?
Ah, should I name him?
I don't know.
Unless he's in prison at the moment.
I don't know, I haven't seen him
for a long time.
He was a kid who lived
on an estate nearby.
- Just give us his first name.
- Lee.
Ah.
Just with the Scotch egg -
you wanted a Scotch egg...
You wanted a Scotch egg
so badly that you traded a living
mammal for it and then you just put
it under your bed, for 48 hours?
To be fair trading a Scotch egg
for a living mammal is exactly
what's necessary in the manufacture
process of a Scotch egg.
You start off...
People have decided...
They have live pigs but they don't
like the live pigs enough -
what they want is no pigs
but Scotch eggs.
Why did you want the Scotch egg?
I presume for the obvious that you
like them and wanted to eat it.
- Yes. - Why didn't you just eat it
there and then?
Why didn't I just eat...?
You said you swapped them back
again on the Monday, which...
That suggests you
still had the Scotch egg.
Well, hang on. I mean, was it
the same one or had you
consumed it and then you just had
to give a Scotch egg back?
That's right, Rob.
LAUGHTER
It's like the blooming Welsh mafia,
this.
You can't help him out!
CLARE: Could I get back to the cat?
Cats obviously are very territorial,
so would the cat not try
and come home, cos they normally do
if they've gone out away?
He didn't, not that weekend.
Talk us through
the actual exchange process.
I tell you what, Rob. You stand up,
we'll go through it, come on.
I am standing up.
I'll role-play it with you.
So, I'm... Right.
- OK, so, imagine I've got my family
cat in my hand. - All right.
With this hand you have a Scotch egg.
Where are we now, Rhod,
where are we?
We're in Wales. Are we in Wales?
- We're in Wales. - Aww.
Isn't that nice?
Let's just take a minute,
let's just take a minute. Lovely.
Go on.
- Right, so, we're in Wales. - Yeah.
- I've got a cat in my hand.
- All right. - Right. You've got in this
hand a Smurf and a Scotch egg.
- Yes. - Right, now we swap them over.
All right, here we go.
This is how it happened.
This is going to be difficult.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And that, my lord,
was the mechanics of the exchange.
Wow.
Rob, you can put the cat down now.
CLARE: But gently, gently.
Rob, gently, yes.
So, what do you think, Lee?
Does this sound truthful to you?
I don't think he's shown any
affection for Snowdrop
and on that basis alone I think
it can't be true.
Well, weirdly, I... The exact same
reason I think it is true,
because I know him to be heartless.
I can show you some affection
but what do you
want to know about Snowdrop?
I can show affection for Snowdrop.
- How would you stroke him? - Her.
No! Got you.
You have changed the sex
of that cat at least three times.
- I promise you, even if I was...
- You have!
I don't think vets should
agree to do that.
LAUGHTER
It's always been a female cat,
Snowdrop.
What are you thinking, Rob?
Are you thinking it's the truth?
It really started to
crumble at the end here,
so I'm smelling a lie.
Both saying a lie. My team say lie,
we will go with lie.
OK. You're saying lie.
Rhod, truth or lie?
It is a...
APPLAUSE
Yes, it was a lie. Rhod didn't
swap his family cat for a Scotch egg
and a Smurf.
Nick, you're up next.
OK, here we go.
I once called a friend in New York
and asked her to call the police
in London because I thought there
was a burglar at my house in London.
Where were you
when you made the call?
In the house.
- Why didn't you phone...?
- The police. - Yes.
Because I'd been
messaging my friend.
I felt like she'd gone, so I called
her, and as I was on the phone
to her I thought there was someone
breaking into the house.
So I was like...
("You should phone the police.")
What did you hear, exactly?
I just heard, like,
irregular noises from downstairs.
Irregular noises.
Footsteps, doors closing.
So I was like, who's that?
Were you living on your own
at the time?
I did have a housemate but...
- Did you not think it might
be that person? - No. - Why?
Because at the time I was doing
a night-time radio show
so I would get home late
and she'd always, like, "Be quiet
"when you get in at one o'clock
in the morning, cos I'm asleep."
- Ah, so you assumed her to be asleep.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you put the phone down
and phone the police?
Because I didn't want to
speak in case the burglar...
But you ARE speaking, you're telling
her to phone the police.
Well, I was like, "I need to go,
I think there's someone here.
"Call the police." That's why
I had to get off the phone
and not use the phone.
Well, look, look, Nick,
let's re-enact it.
- OK. - I'm going to be your friend
in New York. - Yeah.
- She's an American? - She is.
Thank God. I thought you
were going to say,
- "By coincidence, she sounds like
Ronnie Corbett." - Yeah, no.
She's a very sassy Jewish lady.
All right.
DEEP, MEASURED VOICE: Now, Nick,
how are things going over there?
Did you say she DIDN'T
sound like Ronnie Corbett?
- No, it's... - She's the opposite
to Ronnie Corbett?
HIGH-PITCHED AMERICAN ACCENT:
She's like New York Jewish
kind of person like that?
Pretty spot-on.
O-M-G!
LAUGHTER
So, listen. You've finished
your radio show. How did it go?
I love your impressions,
you know that,
but you're texting -
we don't need the voice.
Oh, he wants me to call him?
Sure I will.
Hi, Amy, how's America?
Oh, I love it, there's so many
Americans here.
Hey, what's that noise in
the background?
- What IS that noise?
- I heard something!
I can...
I can hear something downstairs.
Oh, are you having trouble
with your stomach again?
No, like, downstairs.
There's someone downstairs,
in the HOUSE downstairs.
I'll pretend to be asleep,
you call the police.
What, the NYPD?
No, my police.
- All right, I'll call. - OK.
Love you.
So, I put the phone down and then
I just go like this...
and then fear for my life.
Well, hold on, because it's all
happening stateside.
APPLAUSE
NORMAL VOICE: Well, I mean,
we can go on like this all night.
So then what happened? Go on, talk
us through the rest of the story.
She makes the call,
there's, like...call the police.
Cos there's not the 999 number,
there's, like,
the police round the corner.
You know, the local police.
She went and logged on and looked
for your local police station?
Yeah. You don't have to log on -
there's internet on phones.
Listen, sunbeam,
you do want my Atari.
LAUGHTER
So, she called the police
and then it turned out that it
wasn't an intruder at all, it was...
How did you find that out?
I found that out
when my flatmate burst in.
What's she bursting
into your room for at night?
Because she had been on the wine.
So the bang, bang, bang noises
were her looking for wine
or something, I don't know.
And you said what?
- I said, "Oh, my God."
- You said, "Hypocrite!"
I said, "I thought I was going to be
killed by the intruder
"and the police are coming,"
so then we were like,
"We need to call the police now
to stop them."
- So, you phone me back in New York.
Go on. - No, I don't phone you.
AMERICAN ACCENT:
You want me to cancel them?
But they're on their way, honey.
I just went direct to tell them.
Oh, yo, so when you want me,
I'm right here waiting,
but when you don't want me,
you just drop me.
Well, screw you, Grimshaw.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm not surprised Amy doesn't have
any friends where she lives.
What are you thinking, Lee?
- What do we think, Rob?
- I believe it, I believe it.
- You believe it? - I believe this man.
I've been taken for a ride.
I like it.
You're starting to sound
more and more like Amy every day.
So, what are you thinking, Clare?
I believe it.
Well, I think it must be true, then.
True. OK, Nick, truth or lie?
It is...
Well done, team.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Nick did ring his friend in New York
and ask her
to call the police for him.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Greg.
APPLAUSE
So, Clare, what is Greg to you?
This is Greg, and he is the RSPCA
officer who came to my aid
when a squirrel climbed into
my handbag and wouldn't get out.
Rob Delaney, how do you know Greg?
Well, this is Greg and we once
stayed up all night together holding
onto a fence when a game of who can
hold on to the fence the longest
got out of hand.
Finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Greg?
This is Greg. I was so nervous about
appearing on TV for the first time
that I made him come with me
and pretend we were a double act.
David's team,
where do you want to start?
So, Clare, where were you when the
squirrel jumped into your handbag?
I was filming in Devon
for Countryfile
and I was doing one of those links,
you know,
when you walk along the cliff top,
essentially. I'd left my bag
under a tree and sometimes there are
little sweeties left in it
and I assume
that is why the squirrel got in it.
You know when you get
those selection chocolates
and there's some...the Topics
that nobody likes?
I think I'd left...except
unless you're a squirrel,
in which case, huh-huh.
Well, it's the one thing
they say about squirrels -
they're not fussy when it comes
to Quality Street.
- So, as you approached the bag...
- Yes. - ..what did you see?
- How were you alerted to this?
- It was moving.
And what did you do then?
Did you continue to approach?
Yeah, I thought,
"There's something in my bag,"
and then when I got close,
I thought, "It'll jump out because
I'm near to it," but it wouldn't.
You're approaching the bag, Clare,
it's moving about,
- you know there's a squirrel,
you continue to approach. - Yes.
What happens then?
The squirrel's doing its thing...
- Continues to rummage. - Yeah,
going through my diary, my phone...
- Helping itself to
a strawberry cream. - Yeah, yeah.
You know, "I don't know why
people are so fussy."
The cameraman said, "Don't touch it
because you might get bitten,"
and he said, "We'll call the RSPCA,
they'll know what to do."
Had you tried tipping it upside down?
I've seen women do that
to get things out.
Not if you've got earrings in the bag
in the middle of a field in Devon.
You're not going to do that.
There's a great image
of the squirrel wearing the earrings
and reading the diary.
LAUGHTER
"She's got a busy December,
no wonder she can afford these."
So, they rang the RSPCA, Greg came up
to a cliff top in Devon...
CLARE: It did take a while.
RHOD: And the squirrel was still
in your bag?
Yeah.
How did he get it out?
How did he get the squirrel out?
The squirrel had probably
had enough by then
so he didn't even have to do much.
The squirrel came out
of his own accord?
Indeed, as he approached the bag.
All right.
David, what about the others?
- OK, Rob, a fence-holding-on contest
that got out of hand. - Yes.
You said all night, Rob, was that it?
You went on all night,
the fence-holding. Correct.
Are you standing on the fence...?
No, we're standing next to a fence,
we're standing next to
a wooden picket fence.
Touching it. Touching it.
And where were you?
We were in Pittsfield,
Massachusetts.
One of you said, "I'm not saying
it's boring here in Massachusetts,
"but who fancies holding on
to that fence all night?"
Fair. We had...
There'd just been a documentary
that was sweeping the nation
called Hands On A Hard Body,
and it was about these people
who could win
a Toyota pick-up truck if...
whoever held on to or whoever
touched it for the longest.
So we had just seen this documentary
and we were very drunk
so we thought...we were like,
"Ha, wouldn't it be funny
if we did this?"
And then we did it for...
nine hours.
And who is Greg?
I mean, how was he there?
Greg is the older brother - you can
see he's quite a bit older than me.
He was the older brother of my
friend that I went to college with.
Did you learn a lot about Greg?
More than I'd care to know.
Could we have five Greg facts?
- Uh... - LEE: Opened his own bakery.
- Let's see.
LAUGHTER
That was the big one.
Who won?
We agreed at five o'clock in the
morning that we were both winners
and that as 5am approached...
So you started this at what time?
About 8pm. You started that at 8pm?
That's very early to start
a fence-holding game.
Yeah, it's quite early to be...
to go that strange.
Yeah.
When had you started drinking?
Meh, four or so in the afternoon.
All right, maybe.
OK, now what about Lee?
DAVID: OK, Lee. Um.... Just remind us
of what it was that you said.
This is Greg and I was so nervous
about my first TV appearance
that I made him come along with me
and pretend we were a double act.
What was your first TV appearance?
It was on a programme called
Pump Television.
What's that?
It was a sort of magazine type show.
It was a bit funky and happening.
it was like The One Show
but for people that are
allowed out in the day.
- And what were you doing on the show?
- Just being interviewed.
It was Reading television
and I'd just won a competition
for new comedians up in Edinburgh.
What year was this?
1995.
But you didn't win in Edinburgh
till 1997.
That's right, sorry.
I've completely messed up the story.
I went on the show,
Pump TV, to tell them
that I could predict the future.
LAUGHTER
You know, you said to us
that you were a double act.
What sort of a double act?
I rang up and said,
"Sorry, I'm actually a...
"I do a bit of double act work.
Can I bring my double act partner
"on as well?" They said, "Fine, what
does your double act partner do?"
and without thinking,
I said, "He's a juggler."
What happened when you got there?
Did he have to get there and juggle?
There's another twist
to this story...
Is the other twist to this story
that it's a complete lie?
No, Rhod, I don't think
that would be a twist.
So, he comes...he comes on the show
and I tell him
fairly last minute, I think
maybe an hour or two's notice,
"Oh, by the way, I may have told
them that you were a juggler."
So now he's panicking, isn't he?
So what does he do?
Cos he thinks he's going to be asked
to juggle on the show
and he can't juggle. So he bandaged
his arm up and so thus he wasn't...
If they said, "Can you juggle?"
He can say, "I can't,
I've hurt my arm."
All the way there in the car
you're not talking about
- why you're driving all this way...
- We didn't drive together.
He couldn't -
he'd injured his arm juggling.
That's not right.
That's not right, is it?
Now I'M starting to think...
No, I met him at the studio
because he actually is from Reading.
That's handy, isn't it?
That was good, wasn't it?
Were there any other guests
on the TV show?
I can't remember now. I think
there was a person who had a dog
- and the dog did something. - Yeah.
Uh, there was a bit of...it's
a magazine.
DAVID: Maybe he actually
didn't have a dog
but he just persuaded the dog
to come on because he was nervous.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Greg
Clare's squirrel saviour,
Rob's fence-feeler
or Lee's pretend partner?
It's a pretty unappetising menu,
isn't it?
I don't believe Clare Balding.
I don't believe
that she would be scared,
somebody who hosts Countryfile.
If there was a sound man there
with a boom,
you could have used
that furry boom to entice...
Like, maybe he could have pretended
it was a badger.
Also, if you were a lady
and you saw your handbag moving,
you wouldn't immediately think
squirrel in there, you'd think,
"Oh, God, it's gone off again."
LAUGHTER
What about Rob's story?
There was a lot of detail
with Rob's fence-holding story.
I like Rob's.
It could very well be true, but...
I think so. Greg's hands were made
for holding on to fences.
So, you think Rob.
Rhod, who do you think?
I think because Lee so rarely
sounds plausible,
I think it'd be nice
to give him a little go.
You think that when Lee
went on Pump TV in 1995
with an average viewing figure
of 14...
he was too nervous to go on his own?
I do, I do.
Yeah, I think Rob, I think Rob.
You're going to say Rob Delaney.
That's what we're going for.
OK, so, Greg, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Greg and I pretended
to be in a double act with Lee.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Greg is Lee's pretend partner.
Now, we have a picture of
Lee and Greg on TV together.
There they are.
NICK: That's brilliant!
I can see Greg in the picture.
LEE: Who's the really skinny fella?
Who's the 70-year-old man
who's dying?
I'll tell you what, David,
coming from you, that is rich.
It is true, I was very thin.
I was 9st there, I was a skinny lad.
Good lord. But we've made
great advances in medicine
and he's here with us today.
Thanks very much, Greg.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's David.
The night before the bin men come,
I go to bed wearing earmuffs.
That way I'm spared their irritating
early morning clank of trash.
What day do the bin men come?
Thursday morning.
CLARE: I think it's instantly
believable
because we know him to be grumpy
and, you know,
intolerant and easily disturbed.
Oh, hang on,
can I have a go with the list?
Why earmuffs and not just
little in-the-ear thingies, you know?
I don't like things in there.
I don't like to be, you know,
penetrated.
What do your earmuffs
look like, David?
They're grey.
Do they have, like, a nice
plastic strap along the top?
No, they're two single,
separate muffs.
Oh, I see, you put them on your ears
then put a Hoover on your mouth.
- Is that how they work?
- Precisely, yes.
Then you have to block
all the holes quickly.
No, no, they have got
a linking plasticity.
Are your muffs fluffy?
They're...yeah,
they have a, I would say...
You know, there's... Yeah, yeah.
I mean, yes. Yes, they're fluffy.
What do you sleep in
apart from the earmuffs?
Nothing at all.
LEE: So you're naked?
No, I...pyjamas.
So sometimes your relatively
new wife wakes up
on a Thursday morning with
your matching pyjamas and earmuffs.
No, no, the earmuffs don't
match the pyjamas.
- I know that, but...
- Does she secretly quite like you
in the earmuffs? I mean,
does she say you look very sweet?
It's not become
a problem in our relationship.
LEE: I would have ended
the sentence as
"Does she secretly quite like you?"
Because I get phone calls
often from her going,
"I don't know how
this can carry on -
"the earmuffs,
the matching pyjamas..."
Now, when do the muffs go on?
Because we get into bed
at night, don't we,
but we have several things
to accomplish before we go to sleep.
- Yeah. - Be it a quick look
at an iPad or tablet,
be it browsing a book
or be it celebrating
a very special aspect
of the marriage.
That's broadcastable! Would...?
Your proudest boast.
So, would you wait
for the muffs to go on
until all other business
has been attended to?
All other business
has been attended to,
be it a crossword or something
even less broadcastable.
It has all happened
before the muffs go on.
The only thing I have not done -
and I'm very particular about this -
before I put the earmuffs on,
is go to sleep...
..because I find it very difficult
to put them on whilst unconscious.
But what if you've had a
particularly exerting crossword, OK?
The two of you
have been going at this crossword
for half an hour, 40 minutes,
relentlessly.
You finally finish the crossword,
let's say 14 down has been
particularly tricky,
and you fall back with,
"Oh, my God, that was fantastic.
"Where are me muffs?"
Well, I don't know if it's just
a thing in our relationship,
but crosswords don't take us
that long.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What are we thinking, Lee,
and Lee's team?
What do we think?
- I think that it is not true. - OK.
You know when you have to
wake up to pee sometimes?
That's when I'd throw them on.
You know, all night, I don't know.
- I don't always wake up to pee.
- I wish I...
CLARE: Oh, no!
So, erm...
LAUGHTER
So, you're saying it's...
What do we think?
Essentially, I think
it's a well-told lie.
You think it's a lie.
OK, we'll say it's a lie.
You're saying lie.
OK, David, truth or lie?
It is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie -
David doesn't wear earmuffs
the night before the bin men come.
Next.
It's Lee.
Because I can never remember
the phonetic alphabet,
I have invented one of my own
based on things
I can see from my bedroom window.
Now I never forget it.
Now, in case there are
people watching perhaps
who don't know what
the phonetic alphabet is...
Can I just say, I'm one of them.
It's... You know, it's kind of
Alpha, Bravo, Charlie...
DAVID: Why is that called
the phonetic alphabet?
There's nothing phonetic about it.
Just do us a favour, lads -
keep discussing,
it gives me more thinking time.
- So, Lee... - Yes.
- ..take us through it.
Well, where would you
like me to start?
- Z. - A.
A for apple tree. And to the point
where I will do this on the phone
when they say, "What's your
postcode?" I will use these.
- Carry on. - B. This is the one
that can get confusing -
B for bird, because obviously
the bird is not always there.
But you can always hear
or sense a bird, so B for bird.
C for cat. There's always a cat -
I think I know why there's no birds.
D, think you know
where I'm going with this.
LAUGHTER
I'm surprised the cat's still there,
I really am.
Do you sometimes find
there's no C when there's a D?
Often, I can say D, there'll
definitely be no C and B ever.
We don't need it all. What's H?
H will be for hospital.
What's V?
V is for a word I'm not allowed
to say on national television,
but all I will say is
the next-door neighbour,
she likes to sunbathe naked.
LAUGHTER
Unless... This is a weird one,
can't do C and V at the same time
because she's got
an allergy to cats.
DAVID: R.
I know, it's a shame, isn't it?
- R.
- Oh, I see.
LAUGHTER
What's the name of the hospital?
- What? - What?!
H, you said H for hospital.
All I can see is the A&E sign,
or as I call it,
apple tree and Edna.
Take me to apple tree and Edna!
So you don't know
the name of your nearest hospital?
Not interested.
I don't need to know the name of it.
I'm afraid at that point -
and only at that point -
I ceased to believe you,
what otherwise seemed like
an excellent system.
I don't know the name of it
but I can certainly spell
hospital for you.
H for Harry.
No, for hospital, for hospital!
You said it's for hospital.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, that's...
Even though I say so myself,
that was a bad mistake.
LAUGHTER
So, what are your team thinking?
I don't believe it at all. At all.
- What about you, Nick?
- I think that he does do this
and he's made it a nice lovely story
to throw us,
but I think that Lee actually does,
when he can't think of the real life
ones, will say Edna or whatever.
Just to be clear,
perhaps the most fascinating moment
of the whole evening...
Nick, you think that's true?
I think it's true!
OK, it's time to decide.
- A lie. - Lie, OK, you say it's a lie.
Well, here we go.
Lee, is it true or is it a lie?
You have to actually ask?
Yes, it's all a lie - Lee hasn't
invented his own phonetic alphabet.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game -
my individual liar of the week
this week is Rob Delaney.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's Rob Delaney. All night
long, the American has been lying
through his perfectly-aligned
pearly white teeth.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You,
the show with a fondness for fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
the host of the
Radio 1 Breakfast Show,
yes, the Noel Edmonds
of our time, it's Nick Grimshaw.
APPLAUSE
And the star of Ask Rhod Gilbert,
Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience
and the Rhod Gilbert Radio Show.
Anyone?
It's Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter who's hosted
Crufts on three occasions, which
in dog years is almost a lifetime.
It's Clare Balding.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who left a New York
performing arts school with a degree
in musical theatre.
A fantastic achievement,
but he doesn't want
to make a song and dance of it.
It's the star of Catastrophe,
Rob Delaney.
APPLAUSE
And so we'll begin with Round One
Home Truths, where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll be
faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction
and Rhod is first up tonight.
One Friday after school,
I swapped our family cat
for a Scotch egg and a Smurf.
When my mum found out on Monday
morning, she made me swap them back.
Right, well, when was this,
first of all? How old were you?
13.
But more important than how old was
he or anything to do with him...
The cat, what...? I mean, we're very
concerned about the cat. I am.
I'm a bit more concerned about the
Smurf, if I'm going to be honest.
I'm most concerned...
The Scotch egg, you just...
What was your logic?
Would you hide it under your bed
for a whole weekend?
You three have a chat
and when you've worked out
collectively what you're most
concerned about, come back to me.
- Can I start with mine?
- Please do. - OK.
What was the cat called? What kind
of cat? What colour, please?
The cat was called Snowdrop
and as the name implies,
it was tortoiseshell.
Who did you swap with?
Ah, should I name him?
I don't know.
Unless he's in prison at the moment.
I don't know, I haven't seen him
for a long time.
He was a kid who lived
on an estate nearby.
- Just give us his first name.
- Lee.
Ah.
Just with the Scotch egg -
you wanted a Scotch egg...
You wanted a Scotch egg
so badly that you traded a living
mammal for it and then you just put
it under your bed, for 48 hours?
To be fair trading a Scotch egg
for a living mammal is exactly
what's necessary in the manufacture
process of a Scotch egg.
You start off...
People have decided...
They have live pigs but they don't
like the live pigs enough -
what they want is no pigs
but Scotch eggs.
Why did you want the Scotch egg?
I presume for the obvious that you
like them and wanted to eat it.
- Yes. - Why didn't you just eat it
there and then?
Why didn't I just eat...?
You said you swapped them back
again on the Monday, which...
That suggests you
still had the Scotch egg.
Well, hang on. I mean, was it
the same one or had you
consumed it and then you just had
to give a Scotch egg back?
That's right, Rob.
LAUGHTER
It's like the blooming Welsh mafia,
this.
You can't help him out!
CLARE: Could I get back to the cat?
Cats obviously are very territorial,
so would the cat not try
and come home, cos they normally do
if they've gone out away?
He didn't, not that weekend.
Talk us through
the actual exchange process.
I tell you what, Rob. You stand up,
we'll go through it, come on.
I am standing up.
I'll role-play it with you.
So, I'm... Right.
- OK, so, imagine I've got my family
cat in my hand. - All right.
With this hand you have a Scotch egg.
Where are we now, Rhod,
where are we?
We're in Wales. Are we in Wales?
- We're in Wales. - Aww.
Isn't that nice?
Let's just take a minute,
let's just take a minute. Lovely.
Go on.
- Right, so, we're in Wales. - Yeah.
- I've got a cat in my hand.
- All right. - Right. You've got in this
hand a Smurf and a Scotch egg.
- Yes. - Right, now we swap them over.
All right, here we go.
This is how it happened.
This is going to be difficult.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And that, my lord,
was the mechanics of the exchange.
Wow.
Rob, you can put the cat down now.
CLARE: But gently, gently.
Rob, gently, yes.
So, what do you think, Lee?
Does this sound truthful to you?
I don't think he's shown any
affection for Snowdrop
and on that basis alone I think
it can't be true.
Well, weirdly, I... The exact same
reason I think it is true,
because I know him to be heartless.
I can show you some affection
but what do you
want to know about Snowdrop?
I can show affection for Snowdrop.
- How would you stroke him? - Her.
No! Got you.
You have changed the sex
of that cat at least three times.
- I promise you, even if I was...
- You have!
I don't think vets should
agree to do that.
LAUGHTER
It's always been a female cat,
Snowdrop.
What are you thinking, Rob?
Are you thinking it's the truth?
It really started to
crumble at the end here,
so I'm smelling a lie.
Both saying a lie. My team say lie,
we will go with lie.
OK. You're saying lie.
Rhod, truth or lie?
It is a...
APPLAUSE
Yes, it was a lie. Rhod didn't
swap his family cat for a Scotch egg
and a Smurf.
Nick, you're up next.
OK, here we go.
I once called a friend in New York
and asked her to call the police
in London because I thought there
was a burglar at my house in London.
Where were you
when you made the call?
In the house.
- Why didn't you phone...?
- The police. - Yes.
Because I'd been
messaging my friend.
I felt like she'd gone, so I called
her, and as I was on the phone
to her I thought there was someone
breaking into the house.
So I was like...
("You should phone the police.")
What did you hear, exactly?
I just heard, like,
irregular noises from downstairs.
Irregular noises.
Footsteps, doors closing.
So I was like, who's that?
Were you living on your own
at the time?
I did have a housemate but...
- Did you not think it might
be that person? - No. - Why?
Because at the time I was doing
a night-time radio show
so I would get home late
and she'd always, like, "Be quiet
"when you get in at one o'clock
in the morning, cos I'm asleep."
- Ah, so you assumed her to be asleep.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you put the phone down
and phone the police?
Because I didn't want to
speak in case the burglar...
But you ARE speaking, you're telling
her to phone the police.
Well, I was like, "I need to go,
I think there's someone here.
"Call the police." That's why
I had to get off the phone
and not use the phone.
Well, look, look, Nick,
let's re-enact it.
- OK. - I'm going to be your friend
in New York. - Yeah.
- She's an American? - She is.
Thank God. I thought you
were going to say,
- "By coincidence, she sounds like
Ronnie Corbett." - Yeah, no.
She's a very sassy Jewish lady.
All right.
DEEP, MEASURED VOICE: Now, Nick,
how are things going over there?
Did you say she DIDN'T
sound like Ronnie Corbett?
- No, it's... - She's the opposite
to Ronnie Corbett?
HIGH-PITCHED AMERICAN ACCENT:
She's like New York Jewish
kind of person like that?
Pretty spot-on.
O-M-G!
LAUGHTER
So, listen. You've finished
your radio show. How did it go?
I love your impressions,
you know that,
but you're texting -
we don't need the voice.
Oh, he wants me to call him?
Sure I will.
Hi, Amy, how's America?
Oh, I love it, there's so many
Americans here.
Hey, what's that noise in
the background?
- What IS that noise?
- I heard something!
I can...
I can hear something downstairs.
Oh, are you having trouble
with your stomach again?
No, like, downstairs.
There's someone downstairs,
in the HOUSE downstairs.
I'll pretend to be asleep,
you call the police.
What, the NYPD?
No, my police.
- All right, I'll call. - OK.
Love you.
So, I put the phone down and then
I just go like this...
and then fear for my life.
Well, hold on, because it's all
happening stateside.
APPLAUSE
NORMAL VOICE: Well, I mean,
we can go on like this all night.
So then what happened? Go on, talk
us through the rest of the story.
She makes the call,
there's, like...call the police.
Cos there's not the 999 number,
there's, like,
the police round the corner.
You know, the local police.
She went and logged on and looked
for your local police station?
Yeah. You don't have to log on -
there's internet on phones.
Listen, sunbeam,
you do want my Atari.
LAUGHTER
So, she called the police
and then it turned out that it
wasn't an intruder at all, it was...
How did you find that out?
I found that out
when my flatmate burst in.
What's she bursting
into your room for at night?
Because she had been on the wine.
So the bang, bang, bang noises
were her looking for wine
or something, I don't know.
And you said what?
- I said, "Oh, my God."
- You said, "Hypocrite!"
I said, "I thought I was going to be
killed by the intruder
"and the police are coming,"
so then we were like,
"We need to call the police now
to stop them."
- So, you phone me back in New York.
Go on. - No, I don't phone you.
AMERICAN ACCENT:
You want me to cancel them?
But they're on their way, honey.
I just went direct to tell them.
Oh, yo, so when you want me,
I'm right here waiting,
but when you don't want me,
you just drop me.
Well, screw you, Grimshaw.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm not surprised Amy doesn't have
any friends where she lives.
What are you thinking, Lee?
- What do we think, Rob?
- I believe it, I believe it.
- You believe it? - I believe this man.
I've been taken for a ride.
I like it.
You're starting to sound
more and more like Amy every day.
So, what are you thinking, Clare?
I believe it.
Well, I think it must be true, then.
True. OK, Nick, truth or lie?
It is...
Well done, team.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Nick did ring his friend in New York
and ask her
to call the police for him.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Greg.
APPLAUSE
So, Clare, what is Greg to you?
This is Greg, and he is the RSPCA
officer who came to my aid
when a squirrel climbed into
my handbag and wouldn't get out.
Rob Delaney, how do you know Greg?
Well, this is Greg and we once
stayed up all night together holding
onto a fence when a game of who can
hold on to the fence the longest
got out of hand.
Finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Greg?
This is Greg. I was so nervous about
appearing on TV for the first time
that I made him come with me
and pretend we were a double act.
David's team,
where do you want to start?
So, Clare, where were you when the
squirrel jumped into your handbag?
I was filming in Devon
for Countryfile
and I was doing one of those links,
you know,
when you walk along the cliff top,
essentially. I'd left my bag
under a tree and sometimes there are
little sweeties left in it
and I assume
that is why the squirrel got in it.
You know when you get
those selection chocolates
and there's some...the Topics
that nobody likes?
I think I'd left...except
unless you're a squirrel,
in which case, huh-huh.
Well, it's the one thing
they say about squirrels -
they're not fussy when it comes
to Quality Street.
- So, as you approached the bag...
- Yes. - ..what did you see?
- How were you alerted to this?
- It was moving.
And what did you do then?
Did you continue to approach?
Yeah, I thought,
"There's something in my bag,"
and then when I got close,
I thought, "It'll jump out because
I'm near to it," but it wouldn't.
You're approaching the bag, Clare,
it's moving about,
- you know there's a squirrel,
you continue to approach. - Yes.
What happens then?
The squirrel's doing its thing...
- Continues to rummage. - Yeah,
going through my diary, my phone...
- Helping itself to
a strawberry cream. - Yeah, yeah.
You know, "I don't know why
people are so fussy."
The cameraman said, "Don't touch it
because you might get bitten,"
and he said, "We'll call the RSPCA,
they'll know what to do."
Had you tried tipping it upside down?
I've seen women do that
to get things out.
Not if you've got earrings in the bag
in the middle of a field in Devon.
You're not going to do that.
There's a great image
of the squirrel wearing the earrings
and reading the diary.
LAUGHTER
"She's got a busy December,
no wonder she can afford these."
So, they rang the RSPCA, Greg came up
to a cliff top in Devon...
CLARE: It did take a while.
RHOD: And the squirrel was still
in your bag?
Yeah.
How did he get it out?
How did he get the squirrel out?
The squirrel had probably
had enough by then
so he didn't even have to do much.
The squirrel came out
of his own accord?
Indeed, as he approached the bag.
All right.
David, what about the others?
- OK, Rob, a fence-holding-on contest
that got out of hand. - Yes.
You said all night, Rob, was that it?
You went on all night,
the fence-holding. Correct.
Are you standing on the fence...?
No, we're standing next to a fence,
we're standing next to
a wooden picket fence.
Touching it. Touching it.
And where were you?
We were in Pittsfield,
Massachusetts.
One of you said, "I'm not saying
it's boring here in Massachusetts,
"but who fancies holding on
to that fence all night?"
Fair. We had...
There'd just been a documentary
that was sweeping the nation
called Hands On A Hard Body,
and it was about these people
who could win
a Toyota pick-up truck if...
whoever held on to or whoever
touched it for the longest.
So we had just seen this documentary
and we were very drunk
so we thought...we were like,
"Ha, wouldn't it be funny
if we did this?"
And then we did it for...
nine hours.
And who is Greg?
I mean, how was he there?
Greg is the older brother - you can
see he's quite a bit older than me.
He was the older brother of my
friend that I went to college with.
Did you learn a lot about Greg?
More than I'd care to know.
Could we have five Greg facts?
- Uh... - LEE: Opened his own bakery.
- Let's see.
LAUGHTER
That was the big one.
Who won?
We agreed at five o'clock in the
morning that we were both winners
and that as 5am approached...
So you started this at what time?
About 8pm. You started that at 8pm?
That's very early to start
a fence-holding game.
Yeah, it's quite early to be...
to go that strange.
Yeah.
When had you started drinking?
Meh, four or so in the afternoon.
All right, maybe.
OK, now what about Lee?
DAVID: OK, Lee. Um.... Just remind us
of what it was that you said.
This is Greg and I was so nervous
about my first TV appearance
that I made him come along with me
and pretend we were a double act.
What was your first TV appearance?
It was on a programme called
Pump Television.
What's that?
It was a sort of magazine type show.
It was a bit funky and happening.
it was like The One Show
but for people that are
allowed out in the day.
- And what were you doing on the show?
- Just being interviewed.
It was Reading television
and I'd just won a competition
for new comedians up in Edinburgh.
What year was this?
1995.
But you didn't win in Edinburgh
till 1997.
That's right, sorry.
I've completely messed up the story.
I went on the show,
Pump TV, to tell them
that I could predict the future.
LAUGHTER
You know, you said to us
that you were a double act.
What sort of a double act?
I rang up and said,
"Sorry, I'm actually a...
"I do a bit of double act work.
Can I bring my double act partner
"on as well?" They said, "Fine, what
does your double act partner do?"
and without thinking,
I said, "He's a juggler."
What happened when you got there?
Did he have to get there and juggle?
There's another twist
to this story...
Is the other twist to this story
that it's a complete lie?
No, Rhod, I don't think
that would be a twist.
So, he comes...he comes on the show
and I tell him
fairly last minute, I think
maybe an hour or two's notice,
"Oh, by the way, I may have told
them that you were a juggler."
So now he's panicking, isn't he?
So what does he do?
Cos he thinks he's going to be asked
to juggle on the show
and he can't juggle. So he bandaged
his arm up and so thus he wasn't...
If they said, "Can you juggle?"
He can say, "I can't,
I've hurt my arm."
All the way there in the car
you're not talking about
- why you're driving all this way...
- We didn't drive together.
He couldn't -
he'd injured his arm juggling.
That's not right.
That's not right, is it?
Now I'M starting to think...
No, I met him at the studio
because he actually is from Reading.
That's handy, isn't it?
That was good, wasn't it?
Were there any other guests
on the TV show?
I can't remember now. I think
there was a person who had a dog
- and the dog did something. - Yeah.
Uh, there was a bit of...it's
a magazine.
DAVID: Maybe he actually
didn't have a dog
but he just persuaded the dog
to come on because he was nervous.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Greg
Clare's squirrel saviour,
Rob's fence-feeler
or Lee's pretend partner?
It's a pretty unappetising menu,
isn't it?
I don't believe Clare Balding.
I don't believe
that she would be scared,
somebody who hosts Countryfile.
If there was a sound man there
with a boom,
you could have used
that furry boom to entice...
Like, maybe he could have pretended
it was a badger.
Also, if you were a lady
and you saw your handbag moving,
you wouldn't immediately think
squirrel in there, you'd think,
"Oh, God, it's gone off again."
LAUGHTER
What about Rob's story?
There was a lot of detail
with Rob's fence-holding story.
I like Rob's.
It could very well be true, but...
I think so. Greg's hands were made
for holding on to fences.
So, you think Rob.
Rhod, who do you think?
I think because Lee so rarely
sounds plausible,
I think it'd be nice
to give him a little go.
You think that when Lee
went on Pump TV in 1995
with an average viewing figure
of 14...
he was too nervous to go on his own?
I do, I do.
Yeah, I think Rob, I think Rob.
You're going to say Rob Delaney.
That's what we're going for.
OK, so, Greg, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Greg and I pretended
to be in a double act with Lee.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Greg is Lee's pretend partner.
Now, we have a picture of
Lee and Greg on TV together.
There they are.
NICK: That's brilliant!
I can see Greg in the picture.
LEE: Who's the really skinny fella?
Who's the 70-year-old man
who's dying?
I'll tell you what, David,
coming from you, that is rich.
It is true, I was very thin.
I was 9st there, I was a skinny lad.
Good lord. But we've made
great advances in medicine
and he's here with us today.
Thanks very much, Greg.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's David.
The night before the bin men come,
I go to bed wearing earmuffs.
That way I'm spared their irritating
early morning clank of trash.
What day do the bin men come?
Thursday morning.
CLARE: I think it's instantly
believable
because we know him to be grumpy
and, you know,
intolerant and easily disturbed.
Oh, hang on,
can I have a go with the list?
Why earmuffs and not just
little in-the-ear thingies, you know?
I don't like things in there.
I don't like to be, you know,
penetrated.
What do your earmuffs
look like, David?
They're grey.
Do they have, like, a nice
plastic strap along the top?
No, they're two single,
separate muffs.
Oh, I see, you put them on your ears
then put a Hoover on your mouth.
- Is that how they work?
- Precisely, yes.
Then you have to block
all the holes quickly.
No, no, they have got
a linking plasticity.
Are your muffs fluffy?
They're...yeah,
they have a, I would say...
You know, there's... Yeah, yeah.
I mean, yes. Yes, they're fluffy.
What do you sleep in
apart from the earmuffs?
Nothing at all.
LEE: So you're naked?
No, I...pyjamas.
So sometimes your relatively
new wife wakes up
on a Thursday morning with
your matching pyjamas and earmuffs.
No, no, the earmuffs don't
match the pyjamas.
- I know that, but...
- Does she secretly quite like you
in the earmuffs? I mean,
does she say you look very sweet?
It's not become
a problem in our relationship.
LEE: I would have ended
the sentence as
"Does she secretly quite like you?"
Because I get phone calls
often from her going,
"I don't know how
this can carry on -
"the earmuffs,
the matching pyjamas..."
Now, when do the muffs go on?
Because we get into bed
at night, don't we,
but we have several things
to accomplish before we go to sleep.
- Yeah. - Be it a quick look
at an iPad or tablet,
be it browsing a book
or be it celebrating
a very special aspect
of the marriage.
That's broadcastable! Would...?
Your proudest boast.
So, would you wait
for the muffs to go on
until all other business
has been attended to?
All other business
has been attended to,
be it a crossword or something
even less broadcastable.
It has all happened
before the muffs go on.
The only thing I have not done -
and I'm very particular about this -
before I put the earmuffs on,
is go to sleep...
..because I find it very difficult
to put them on whilst unconscious.
But what if you've had a
particularly exerting crossword, OK?
The two of you
have been going at this crossword
for half an hour, 40 minutes,
relentlessly.
You finally finish the crossword,
let's say 14 down has been
particularly tricky,
and you fall back with,
"Oh, my God, that was fantastic.
"Where are me muffs?"
Well, I don't know if it's just
a thing in our relationship,
but crosswords don't take us
that long.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What are we thinking, Lee,
and Lee's team?
What do we think?
- I think that it is not true. - OK.
You know when you have to
wake up to pee sometimes?
That's when I'd throw them on.
You know, all night, I don't know.
- I don't always wake up to pee.
- I wish I...
CLARE: Oh, no!
So, erm...
LAUGHTER
So, you're saying it's...
What do we think?
Essentially, I think
it's a well-told lie.
You think it's a lie.
OK, we'll say it's a lie.
You're saying lie.
OK, David, truth or lie?
It is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie -
David doesn't wear earmuffs
the night before the bin men come.
Next.
It's Lee.
Because I can never remember
the phonetic alphabet,
I have invented one of my own
based on things
I can see from my bedroom window.
Now I never forget it.
Now, in case there are
people watching perhaps
who don't know what
the phonetic alphabet is...
Can I just say, I'm one of them.
It's... You know, it's kind of
Alpha, Bravo, Charlie...
DAVID: Why is that called
the phonetic alphabet?
There's nothing phonetic about it.
Just do us a favour, lads -
keep discussing,
it gives me more thinking time.
- So, Lee... - Yes.
- ..take us through it.
Well, where would you
like me to start?
- Z. - A.
A for apple tree. And to the point
where I will do this on the phone
when they say, "What's your
postcode?" I will use these.
- Carry on. - B. This is the one
that can get confusing -
B for bird, because obviously
the bird is not always there.
But you can always hear
or sense a bird, so B for bird.
C for cat. There's always a cat -
I think I know why there's no birds.
D, think you know
where I'm going with this.
LAUGHTER
I'm surprised the cat's still there,
I really am.
Do you sometimes find
there's no C when there's a D?
Often, I can say D, there'll
definitely be no C and B ever.
We don't need it all. What's H?
H will be for hospital.
What's V?
V is for a word I'm not allowed
to say on national television,
but all I will say is
the next-door neighbour,
she likes to sunbathe naked.
LAUGHTER
Unless... This is a weird one,
can't do C and V at the same time
because she's got
an allergy to cats.
DAVID: R.
I know, it's a shame, isn't it?
- R.
- Oh, I see.
LAUGHTER
What's the name of the hospital?
- What? - What?!
H, you said H for hospital.
All I can see is the A&E sign,
or as I call it,
apple tree and Edna.
Take me to apple tree and Edna!
So you don't know
the name of your nearest hospital?
Not interested.
I don't need to know the name of it.
I'm afraid at that point -
and only at that point -
I ceased to believe you,
what otherwise seemed like
an excellent system.
I don't know the name of it
but I can certainly spell
hospital for you.
H for Harry.
No, for hospital, for hospital!
You said it's for hospital.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, that's...
Even though I say so myself,
that was a bad mistake.
LAUGHTER
So, what are your team thinking?
I don't believe it at all. At all.
- What about you, Nick?
- I think that he does do this
and he's made it a nice lovely story
to throw us,
but I think that Lee actually does,
when he can't think of the real life
ones, will say Edna or whatever.
Just to be clear,
perhaps the most fascinating moment
of the whole evening...
Nick, you think that's true?
I think it's true!
OK, it's time to decide.
- A lie. - Lie, OK, you say it's a lie.
Well, here we go.
Lee, is it true or is it a lie?
You have to actually ask?
Yes, it's all a lie - Lee hasn't
invented his own phonetic alphabet.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game -
my individual liar of the week
this week is Rob Delaney.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's Rob Delaney. All night
long, the American has been lying
through his perfectly-aligned
pearly white teeth.
Good night.
APPLAUSE