Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 7 - Episode #8.7 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You? -
the show that says,
"If it looks like a lie
"and sounds like a lie,
then it's probably true."
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
he's the comedian's comedian
and the hairdresser's nightmare,
it's Paul Foot.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And the star of Getting On,
where she plays a nurse
whose jobs include bathing old
people and emptying their bed pans.
Forgive me if I don't shake hands,
it's Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a survival expert
who can kill, skin and gut a rabbit
in seconds.
That's the last time I take him
to a petting zoo.
It's Ray Mears.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And a stand up comedian
who, until a few years ago,
used to live with her nan.
Must have been a bit awkward
for her to bring young men home
what with her granddaughter
being there all the time.
It's Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
- And Jo is first up tonight. - Right.
"Once, on Christmas Day, I was
forced to hitch hike my way home
"and was picked up
by four different drivers."
- CHUCKLING
- Lee's team.
Where were you going from and to?
I was going from London
down to Hastings.
How old were you?
Er, I was about 17 and a half.
And because nothing was running
on Christmas Day or you were skint?
No, well, what happened was
I was meant to go home
on Christmas Eve
but I missed the last train.
- So you started your journey
in London? - I did.
- And how long did it take
to get picked up? - Um...
- For the first bit. - Not long
actually. 10 minutes...ish.
And he said?
"Would...would you like to come back
"and have Christmas lunch with me?
I'm very lonely."
- Seriously, he said that? - Yeah.
What sort of a man was he?
He was a gay man in his mid 70s.
How far did you go with him?
LAUGHTER
No! Whoa, no, no, no, no.
I mean how far on your journey
did you go?
He drop... I think he drove me
about 10 miles.
- Right. - Something like that.
- So that's the first person. - Yeah.
And then do you remember
the second one?
- Er, a woman... - Yes.
..who picked me up round about
the Eltham area, I think.
Oh, I like a euphemism
early on in the show.
- ALL LAUGH
- Sh... Sh...
We've all been picked up
in the Eltham area, haven't we?
Actually you're more accurate
than you realise.
She actually did make a pass at me.
You... This is two now!
Well, um, she said,
"Where do you want to go?"
And I said, "Down to the coast,
please."
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh.
Did she go down to the coast?
Well, what she actually did was
she put her arm round my neck
and tried to kiss me.
She didn't. What had led her
to believe that this was
a possibility? What had happened?
The mistletoe on the wing mirror?
LAUGHTER
So she tried to kiss me,
I opened the door and got out
of the car,
- and ran away. - Ah, so that's...
That explains the second story.
Right, now get to the third one.
- What happened? - The third...
The third guy was deaf.
LAUGHTER
He...
I'll tell you what, if this turns
out to be a lie, you deserve a medal
for the...
For making this as least plausible
as possible en route to the story.
- But, OK, so he's deaf. - Yeah.
- Right. - And so, I...
I had to write down
where I wanted to go.
- And you said Hastings on the card?
- Yeah. - What did he say?
He didn't say anything,
he just started driving.
Oh, my God. That's a bit menacing,
isn't it?
He didn't look scary.
And who was the fourth?
The fourth was a farmer.
He said that he was fed up
with his family,
so he took me all the way
to Hastings from London.
So he's having a bad day
on Christmas Day
and decides he'd rather
drive you to Hastings.
Well, he said that he'd told his
wife he was going out for a paper.
That's the end, really,
cos he dropped me off
where I was going.
Did you invite the man in
for a mince pie or something?
- No. - You didn't even invite him in?
No.
- Do you think that's a bit weird?
- I don't.
I think it's the weirdest bit
of the story.
He's given you a lift all the way
to Hastings on Christmas Day.
He's the only one who hasn't
made a sexual pass at you.
He's been entirely honourable.
Just give him a little bit of a
mince pie and some brandy butter.
So, what do you think?
There's a lot of detail in there.
I think it's not true. Based on?
I think she's just...
It's got too many characters,
like a Tarantino film.
The bit I'm doubting is that...
Wouldn't you just write
on a piece of paper, "Hastings"
and hope someone's going there,
rather than,
"Anyone going sort of that way,
"and I'll keep getting out
and getting out?"
Have you ever hitch hiked?
You sound very idealistic
about it all.
"Well, I'm not getting in a car
until they're going to Hastings.
"I don't care what day of the year
it is."
"Hastings, no."
Paul does have a point.
That's not how it works.
You just go a little bit,
and then maybe...
And that's part of the fun
of hitch hiking.
Rob, don't try and pretend to me
you've ever hitch hiked.
I know you well enough to know.
Getting at the back of a Mercedes
once a week is not hitch hiking.
LAUGHTER
I've seen it in films though.
- So Ray think's it's true. - True.
It's got to be true.
Too wacky to be made up.
You think they're too wacky
to be made up,
you think it's too wacky to be true.
Yeah, I think she enjoyed
making them up.
So what's it going to be then, Lee?
OK, well, we'll say...
Be it on your head, Ray,
but we'll say it's the truth.
Saying it's the truth. OK.
Jo Brand, truth or lie?
It is...
..true.
APPLAUSE
Ah!
Yeah, it is true.
Jo did have to hitch hike home
on Christmas Day
and was picked up
by four different drivers.
Paul, you're next.
- Oh, dear.
- LAUGHTER
"I am absolutely repulsed
by beards."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
"When my friend grew a beard,
"I changed my phone number
so he couldn't contact me."
Right, there we are. Lee.
- What's his name? - His name is Ben.
Ben. And what did Ben do?
Well, he used to be a child.
Then, when he got older,
he was a tree surgeon.
Right.
So, what is it about beards
that you find so repulsive?
Well, it's just...
Like...like the idea
of touching a beard is horrible
and it can't be hygienic.
I mean there must be dirt in it.
Well, look to your left.
I think you'd have to go a long way
to find a better,
more respectfully kept beard
than David Mitchell's.
But David Mitchell can afford
to have a beard cleaning person.
LAUGHTER
The average beard person just...
They don't ever wash it, do they?
It's all dirty. Bits of egg
in there and all sorts.
- You would never consider a beard
then, obviously? - Oh, no. I...
But on a windy day,
surely those bits of hair around
the side of your head
are going to go over your face,
cos that's quite long hair
you've got.
- But they're all lovely and soft.
- Well.
Whereas, with a beard,
it's all scratchy and thick hair.
I imagine David's beard
isn't scratchy,
I imagine David's beard
is comforting, soft and welcoming.
And I invite you now...
..to enjoy David's beard.
I mean, strictly speaking
it's not your invitation to give.
But you would be doing
a great service to Paul,
who's obviously
a troubled young man.
- No, I would be honoured were Paul...
- Paul, please. - ..to fondle my face.
Paul, knock yourself out.
Leave it to me to invite him.
Go ahead if it would
give you pleasure.
It does not give me pleasure,
that's the whole point.
I hate it, but, you know...
Oh, he's doing it. He's doing it.
He's do...
If this is going to make you
throw up, I...
We can both do without
that footage on YouTube.
Did you tell your friend
why you changed your number?
Oh, no, well, what happened is...
He just... He used to have
a smooth face,
then he grew...
And it was a massive beard,
and it was all really long,
and really unkempt
you know, like all long.
And then I just couldn't
deal with it.
And you've never seen or heard
from him since?
Well, I can't, because he hasn't got
my number.
He can't contact me.
When was this, Paul? How long ago?
2010.
That's a long... Oh, sorry, I
thought you were going to say years.
2010 years after the birth
of Christ, is that...?
I mean, you've picked
a good example.
If you saw an image of Jesus Christ,
would you have problems
looking at his beard?
Or does it have to be a friend
in your personal space?
Well, I mean,
Jesus isn't my friend in that way.
- He is, Paul. - Yes.
And he's yours too.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But not yours, Lee.
All right, so what's it going to be,
Lee? Is it true or is it a lie?
What do we think?
True.
Absolutely every word of it.
- It's a lie. It's got to be a lie.
- You've done the opposite again.
OK, so you're saying it's a lie,
you're saying it's true.
- True. - I'm going to go for true.
- You're going to say it's true. - Yeah.
OK, Paul Foot, was that true
or was it a lie?
It is...
true.
APPLAUSE
Oh, very good.
Yes, it's true,
Paul is repulsed by beards
and did change his phone number
rather than tell a friend
he didn't like his beard.
- Ray, your turn. - Hmm.
HE MUTTERS: What have we got here?
"To hone my tracking skills,
"I used to secretly follow joggers
in the woods."
LAUGHTER
- David. - Which woods?
That was in south London back then.
South... The woods of South London?
- ALL LAUGH
- It could have been lots of places.
What you're saying is a park.
You followed joggers in the park.
A park, yes.
I've jogged through the woods
in South London.
- I never followed your tracks, Jo.
- No, well, I only jog at 0.03mph,
so I'd be following you.
What does tracking involve,
can you tell me?
Yeah, you're following
the marks and disturbances
that animals, or people, or anything
leaves as it moves along.
So what is the evidence
of a recent jogger?
It can vary. So, for example, if...
It depends what the jogger's
wearing.
Probably running shoes.
But they might have, for example,
shorts on or long trousers.
Right, here's a question,
imagine they've got shorts on,
what would they leave?
Well, then they would avoid
maybe stinging nettles and brambles
- as they're running on... - Whereas
the ones with tracksuit bottoms on
are just going right through
the bushes.
And you might even find fibres
left on brambles
as the person passes by
that enable you to determine
the colour of the garments
- that they're wearing. - All right.
- Can I ask you a question?
Have you thought of getting
a PlayStation?
- No. - Just checking.
So you could find...
If they're wearing trousers
and are therefore crashing
through the nettles and brambles,
you can find fibres.
And if it's wet,
you can see footprints.
Mm-hm, this is true.
What if they're not wearing trousers
and it isn't wet? What...
If they're not wearing trousers,
they're probably not a jogger.
Basic rule, trousers - jogger,
no trousers - dogger.
That's how I remember them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very basic system.
You've got to have a system
for these things, haven't you?
So, when you're arriving
at the woods
long after the joggers have gone,
what do you look for first
as the start of the trail?
A muddy puddle,
something like that,
where there's a clear footprint.
But then you're trying to establish
maybe the height of the person
that you're running...
Their personality even shows.
- Their personality?! - Their
personality shows and...
What like things like,
oh, they like jogging?
Whether they're... Yeah, whether...
Yeah, exactly.
- No. - Best way you can learn,
isn't it?
Whether they're listening
to music or...
How do you tell
if they're listening to music?
You can get a different...get
a different thing in the trail.
Can you tell what they're listening
to from the rhythm of their
footprints?
You go, "Oh, this jogger's
listening to samba music."
- I'm dying to know. - I can't yet
determine what music they're
listening to.
- How do you know they listen to
music? - People move differently.
- Rubbish. - Seriously. - Nonsense.
So, David, what are you going
to say, is it the truth?
What do you think, Jo?
Well, I think it's plausible.
It's certainly a very complete
story. What do you think?
I think he does do it.
Well, I think,
we think it's true, then.
- You think it's true? - Yeah. - OK.
Ray Mears, were you telling the
truth, or were you telling a lie?
It's a truth.
Well done. Well done, us.
Yes, it's true.
Ray did used to secretly follow
joggers in the woods
to hone his tracking skills.
Our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Andy.
APPLAUSE
So, Jo Brand, what is Andy to you?
Er, this is Andy,
and he once helped me
break into an ex boyfriend's house
through the dog flap
so I could steal all his pants.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Right. Paul, how do you know Andy?
This is Andy.
He is a great believer
in telekinesis,
and, together,
we conduct experiments
to try and move objects
with the power of our minds.
OK. And finally, David,
what's your relationship with Andy?
This is Andy.
I once accidentally nudged him
into a fountain..
LAUGHTER
..whilst trying to take a photo
of a tank.
Well, there we are.
Jo's fellow pants pincher,
Paul's psychic sidekick,
or David's fountain friend.
- Lee, where do you want to start? - Jo.
Mm-hm.
Just talk us through the incident
again.
Well, I was probably about 18-ish,
something like that, and, Andy...
You'd just got in from a long hitch,
had you?
Yeah.
Um, and Andy is a friend of mine.
I was going out with this bloke
who was a millionaire.
We went to a party
next door to his house.
- He ended up snogging someone else
at this party. - Oh, right.
Who did he snog?
A woman with blonde hair.
I can't remember her name.
Roisin.
So I was quite cross,
and I just wanted to...
do something to make my feelings...
And you decided to go
through the dog flap?
- Yeah. - What kind of dog did he have?
A St Bernard.
- SHE LAUGHS
- No, he didn't.
ALL LAUGH
No, he had...he had
a fat Scottie dog.
Like a Highland terrier?
- Yeah. - They're tiny.
I know, but I was thin at the time.
I was thin when I was a teenager.
No, no, no. You might have been thin
but you weren't like 1ft high.
Terriers are like...big cats.
I didn't walk straight through.
- I wriggled through it. - Wriggled?
- Yeah.
What did Andy...
What was Andy's part in this?
Andy's part in it
was that he helped push me through
from the garden side.
See, not as easy now, is it? You
needed a friend to get you through
the tiny...
- Well, a bit, yeah. And he kept watch
in case... - In case what?
The neighbours noticed.
Yeah, best way to stop
anyone noticing
someone going through a dog flap is
to have someone stood up next to it.
Yeah, a complete stranger standing
next to the door's a bit suspicious.
- Well. - When you got in the house,
what did you do?
- Went to his bedroom. - Yeah.
Got all his pants
out of the drawer...
..and all his pants
out of the washing basket.
- Ah! - Threw them out into the garden,
and then we went
and chucked them in a bin,
and then went to the pub
or something.
Why pants? If he's a millionaire,
why didn't you...
If you broke in and risked
getting arrested,
why didn't you steal something,
or break something,
or write on, like, a painting?
Because a bit of me
wanted to do something
that he would think was a bit weird,
and possibly not know it was me.
Did he ever find out?
I never saw him again.
- You don't know to this day if he...?
- ..blamed the dog.
He knows now. He knows now, yeah.
Well, hopefully he's dead,
so he doesn't.
ALL LAUGH
Joke, everyone.
The good thing is, Jo...
..as long as you've moved on.
LAUGHTER
- Blimey. - Right.
Who else would you like to quiz?
OK, Paul. So you believe
it is possible to move an object
with the power of thought?
Yeah. It's not just possible,
we've done it.
- What things have you moved?
- We moved a vase.
- You moved a vase? - A vase.
How far did the vase move?
- About half an inch. - Right. About?
How many times have you done this,
Paul?
We've moved things
about three or four times.
What other things have you moved?
We moved um,
er, a crisp...crisp packet.
Well, they do...
LAUGHTER
Was the window open
by any chance at all?
No, it was full. It was full
and there was no wind.
There's no way
that could have moved,
- It turned. - It turned. No.
How do you know it just didn't move
on its own, without telekinesis?
Because if you put a crisp packet
in conditions
with no wind, it won't just turn.
It could go on its own
if it was Walkers.
It's got air in it.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Or Skips.
Oh, Skips, yeah.
Can you move fruit?
Oh, hello.
But, you know, I couldn't...
It would take some time...
It takes... And it doesn't work
in this kind of environment
with sceptical people watching,
and everyone all just sort of
judging. It involves...
Is it better with gullible people?
No. No.
- You've moved a vase, a crisp packet.
- Yeah.
- You said there were two others.
What are they? - A remote control.
A remote control. Remote control.
And what was the last one?
A cushion.
Have you ever visually seen
anything move?
Or have you have closed your eyes,
opened them and it's moved?
- Yeah, we've always closed our eyes.
- Yeah. - And...
Do you know what? I think I know
what's going on.
No, but...neither of us moved, we're
both at opposite ends of the...
Yeah, no, I know.
I'm not doubting you Paul.
I'm just saying your friend Andy
might be a bit of a charlatan.
What about David?
Where did this happen then? Come on.
Tell us all.
It happened, er, in, er,
at a military museum in France.
Military museum in France, you're
taking a photograph of a tank.
- Hmm. - Which military museum
in France?
It was... It was called
the Musee De Blande.
AUDIENCE CHUCKLES
Do you... What does that mean
in English?
I think it means
it's a museum of armour.
Right.
He knows I can't argue with him.
He could say anything.
Whereabouts in France?
I th... It's sort of...
I think it's quite near...
It's sort of in the middle-ish
on the left.
Now you're talking my language.
Yeah.
And what were you doing there?
Er, I was looking round the museum.
- Museums... Tank museums? Yeah.
- Do you do this often?
Well, we were, um... We?
Me and I... I've got a wife now.
- Wow. - I'm surprised...
- It's definitely a lie.
To be honest I'm...I'm surprised
that's never come up on the card,
you'd never have believed it.
So... So this is quite recently?
It's, er... Yeah, last summer.
Last summer you said,
"Darling, it's time for you
to know the truth about me."
- Well, I'm... - "Now it's time
to know the real me.
"Museums, France. Come on."
I knew you had a microphone
in our bedroom.
So, talk us through
the incident with Andy
and how that actually happened.
Well, um, outside
the sort of front bit,
there's like a piece of artillery
and a tank.
And, er, I wanted to take a picture
of the tank, as well I might.
- You know. - What sort of tank was it,
David?
It was, um... It was a German tank.
Was it? A tiger tank.
- Yeah. - A tiger tank? - Yeah.
So, you've taken a photograph
of your grandad's tank,
and um...
LAUGHTER
And then...
LAUGHTER INTERRUPTION
And have...
How did it crop up?
I want to know the actual mechanics
of how he ends up in the...
I've not taken the picture
at this point.
I'm trying to get the tank in frame
and I was backing away,
you know, just slowly,
and I, er... There's a...
There was a sort of...
pondy, fountainy bit which people...
A what? A pondy, fountainy bit.
Oh, right. I genuinely thought
you were speaking French again.
- De ponde fountaine bit.
Fountainy bit. - Ah.
And I...I just, um...
You backed into it. I backed...
I just sort of...with my elbow,
and I don't know, he was obviously...
He was obviously what?
He was obviously... He was obv...
I don't know, I was about to say.
I was about to see how that sentence
finished myself, Lee.
Now I need another run up.
Here we go. This is what I want to
know. You've backed into him. Yeah.
There can only be two things.
He's either looking at you
and, for some reason
beyond anything, he just thought,
I'd better just stand here and
be pushed into the fountain,
or he's facing the fountain,
in which case,
why is a man facing a fountain
so far...
Was he weeing into the fountain?
LAUGHTER
He was standing on the rim
eating a baguette.
Ho-ho! Was he?
OK. Was he? Was he wearing a beret?
Did he have onions round his neck?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
How deep was the water
into which he fell?
Um, about 8ft.
8ft?!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Not 8ft, not 8ft.
It was about a foot.
All right. We need an answer, so,
Lee's team, is Andy
Jo's fellow pants pincher,
Paul's psychic sidekick,
or David's fountain friend?
- David's fountain friend.
- Do you think so?
Without a doubt.
Well, please tell me
at least there's a doubt.
SHE LAUGHS
I've never felt more confident.
Wow. Ray, are you of sound mind?
- I agree. I agree, I think.
- You agree as well?
Absolutely, without
a shadow of a doubt, it was David.
Lee, you're not as sure.
I'm not... I'm not sure it's David.
Usually I would have dismissed
someone pretending
that they've moved a vase half inch.
There's something about Paul
that makes me think,
yeah, he looks like the kind of man
who, in his own deluded mind,
thinks he has done it, and which,
in itself, is a truth, isn't it?
- If you think it's true,
then it's true. - Yeah.
- But I think Jo's... - Pants.
- ..story is the most likely
because I've known Jo
for some years,
and I can confirm
she is bitter and twisted.
LAUGHTER
So your two team mates
say one thing, you say another,
- what are you going to do? - We'll go
with David's...ludicrous story
and say that it was David.
You're saying it's David, OK.
Andy, would you please reveal
your true identity?
Hi, my name's Andy
and I helped Jo steal...
- ALL: Oh! - ..her ex boyfriend's pants.
APPLAUSE
Whoopie.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy.
Thank you very much.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies,
and we start with...
- BEEP
- It's Lee.
"A man from Brazil once taught me
a very simple noise you can make
"that will always stop a fox
in its tracks."
LAUGHTER
- David's team. - Can we hear the noise?
I'll be honest with you,
it's a very instinctive thing,
and without a fox, I, er...
- I'll be a fox. Ready? - Yeah.
- Ready? - Yeah.
ALL LAUGH
Can you do fox not reading a book?
No, no, no, no. They know.
- They know. - What's that?
They know.
You, you dumb...don't know.
- What's that? - Ready?
Ready? OK.
"Come on, Mr Lee, come on."
- Oh. - Oh.
"Stop me. Stop me, Mr Lee. Stop me."
I didn't think this would give Rob
an impression opportunity.
- "Come on, Mr Lee." - You can see
him in the producers' room.
"Could we change, um, bear to fox?
"I can... I can do Basil Brush,
I can't do a bear."
They can't...
Lee, they can't change
what a Brazilian man once told you.
ROB LAUGHS
That's true.
That is very true.
Oh, that was like something
out of Poirot, wasn't it?
LAUGHTER
Did this happen in Brazil?
It was in... It was in Brazil, yes.
And what was... What was the noise?
The noise was...
I might have to take a little drink
to do it properly.
I can only stop a fox
if I've got water.
Not many people know this but...
..the fox fears very few things.
It's true, you know.
But there is one animal...
That's my bushy tail.
There is one animal...
- Come on. - ..that, if a fox hears...
- Yes!
..the tone is so weird to the fox
it will scare the fox.
And that beast,
if I may call it a beast,
is the dolphin.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And the noise that you make
is simply the noise of the dolphin,
which I will now demonstrate.
The fox comes towards you...
and a simple...
IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
..will stop the fox in its tracks.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can I just ask you
why would you want to stop a fox
in its tracks anyway?
Foxes aren't aggressive.
They don't run towards you...
- Foxes are aggressive.
- Foxes are aggressive.
- They gnaw at our recycling box.
- Well, can I just say?
They don't gnaw at my recycling
because I have a letter box
and this.
IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
They're off.
Was it a recycling gnawing scenario
that the Brazilian man
was giving you this technique...
No, no. ..in order to avert?
This was just one of those crazy,
drunken nights in Rio
that, er, I... I'll never forget.
I'll never forget sitting there...
I wasn't even talking really
to this gentleman, and...
PFF, he was smoking a big fat cigar,
and he turned round to me
and goes...
IMITATES ACCENT: "If there's one
thing that life has taught me...
"..this...
IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
"..will always stop a fox
in its tracks."
And he did that.
He blew the smoke into my eyes
and we slept together.
ALL LAUGH
- Truth or lie? - Lie.
It's a lie. OK, Lee...
..the suspense is killing us.
Is it true?
It is, in fact,
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee wasn't taught a noise
that can always make a fox
stop in its tracks.
BUZZER
Ah, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Jo Brand.
- APPLAUSE
- Crikey.
Yes, Jo Brand,
devious, calculating
and shamelessly misleading.
If she wasn't a comedian, she'd
have made a hell of an accountant.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You? -
the show that says,
"If it looks like a lie
"and sounds like a lie,
then it's probably true."
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
he's the comedian's comedian
and the hairdresser's nightmare,
it's Paul Foot.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And the star of Getting On,
where she plays a nurse
whose jobs include bathing old
people and emptying their bed pans.
Forgive me if I don't shake hands,
it's Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a survival expert
who can kill, skin and gut a rabbit
in seconds.
That's the last time I take him
to a petting zoo.
It's Ray Mears.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And a stand up comedian
who, until a few years ago,
used to live with her nan.
Must have been a bit awkward
for her to bring young men home
what with her granddaughter
being there all the time.
It's Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
- And Jo is first up tonight. - Right.
"Once, on Christmas Day, I was
forced to hitch hike my way home
"and was picked up
by four different drivers."
- CHUCKLING
- Lee's team.
Where were you going from and to?
I was going from London
down to Hastings.
How old were you?
Er, I was about 17 and a half.
And because nothing was running
on Christmas Day or you were skint?
No, well, what happened was
I was meant to go home
on Christmas Eve
but I missed the last train.
- So you started your journey
in London? - I did.
- And how long did it take
to get picked up? - Um...
- For the first bit. - Not long
actually. 10 minutes...ish.
And he said?
"Would...would you like to come back
"and have Christmas lunch with me?
I'm very lonely."
- Seriously, he said that? - Yeah.
What sort of a man was he?
He was a gay man in his mid 70s.
How far did you go with him?
LAUGHTER
No! Whoa, no, no, no, no.
I mean how far on your journey
did you go?
He drop... I think he drove me
about 10 miles.
- Right. - Something like that.
- So that's the first person. - Yeah.
And then do you remember
the second one?
- Er, a woman... - Yes.
..who picked me up round about
the Eltham area, I think.
Oh, I like a euphemism
early on in the show.
- ALL LAUGH
- Sh... Sh...
We've all been picked up
in the Eltham area, haven't we?
Actually you're more accurate
than you realise.
She actually did make a pass at me.
You... This is two now!
Well, um, she said,
"Where do you want to go?"
And I said, "Down to the coast,
please."
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh.
Did she go down to the coast?
Well, what she actually did was
she put her arm round my neck
and tried to kiss me.
She didn't. What had led her
to believe that this was
a possibility? What had happened?
The mistletoe on the wing mirror?
LAUGHTER
So she tried to kiss me,
I opened the door and got out
of the car,
- and ran away. - Ah, so that's...
That explains the second story.
Right, now get to the third one.
- What happened? - The third...
The third guy was deaf.
LAUGHTER
He...
I'll tell you what, if this turns
out to be a lie, you deserve a medal
for the...
For making this as least plausible
as possible en route to the story.
- But, OK, so he's deaf. - Yeah.
- Right. - And so, I...
I had to write down
where I wanted to go.
- And you said Hastings on the card?
- Yeah. - What did he say?
He didn't say anything,
he just started driving.
Oh, my God. That's a bit menacing,
isn't it?
He didn't look scary.
And who was the fourth?
The fourth was a farmer.
He said that he was fed up
with his family,
so he took me all the way
to Hastings from London.
So he's having a bad day
on Christmas Day
and decides he'd rather
drive you to Hastings.
Well, he said that he'd told his
wife he was going out for a paper.
That's the end, really,
cos he dropped me off
where I was going.
Did you invite the man in
for a mince pie or something?
- No. - You didn't even invite him in?
No.
- Do you think that's a bit weird?
- I don't.
I think it's the weirdest bit
of the story.
He's given you a lift all the way
to Hastings on Christmas Day.
He's the only one who hasn't
made a sexual pass at you.
He's been entirely honourable.
Just give him a little bit of a
mince pie and some brandy butter.
So, what do you think?
There's a lot of detail in there.
I think it's not true. Based on?
I think she's just...
It's got too many characters,
like a Tarantino film.
The bit I'm doubting is that...
Wouldn't you just write
on a piece of paper, "Hastings"
and hope someone's going there,
rather than,
"Anyone going sort of that way,
"and I'll keep getting out
and getting out?"
Have you ever hitch hiked?
You sound very idealistic
about it all.
"Well, I'm not getting in a car
until they're going to Hastings.
"I don't care what day of the year
it is."
"Hastings, no."
Paul does have a point.
That's not how it works.
You just go a little bit,
and then maybe...
And that's part of the fun
of hitch hiking.
Rob, don't try and pretend to me
you've ever hitch hiked.
I know you well enough to know.
Getting at the back of a Mercedes
once a week is not hitch hiking.
LAUGHTER
I've seen it in films though.
- So Ray think's it's true. - True.
It's got to be true.
Too wacky to be made up.
You think they're too wacky
to be made up,
you think it's too wacky to be true.
Yeah, I think she enjoyed
making them up.
So what's it going to be then, Lee?
OK, well, we'll say...
Be it on your head, Ray,
but we'll say it's the truth.
Saying it's the truth. OK.
Jo Brand, truth or lie?
It is...
..true.
APPLAUSE
Ah!
Yeah, it is true.
Jo did have to hitch hike home
on Christmas Day
and was picked up
by four different drivers.
Paul, you're next.
- Oh, dear.
- LAUGHTER
"I am absolutely repulsed
by beards."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
"When my friend grew a beard,
"I changed my phone number
so he couldn't contact me."
Right, there we are. Lee.
- What's his name? - His name is Ben.
Ben. And what did Ben do?
Well, he used to be a child.
Then, when he got older,
he was a tree surgeon.
Right.
So, what is it about beards
that you find so repulsive?
Well, it's just...
Like...like the idea
of touching a beard is horrible
and it can't be hygienic.
I mean there must be dirt in it.
Well, look to your left.
I think you'd have to go a long way
to find a better,
more respectfully kept beard
than David Mitchell's.
But David Mitchell can afford
to have a beard cleaning person.
LAUGHTER
The average beard person just...
They don't ever wash it, do they?
It's all dirty. Bits of egg
in there and all sorts.
- You would never consider a beard
then, obviously? - Oh, no. I...
But on a windy day,
surely those bits of hair around
the side of your head
are going to go over your face,
cos that's quite long hair
you've got.
- But they're all lovely and soft.
- Well.
Whereas, with a beard,
it's all scratchy and thick hair.
I imagine David's beard
isn't scratchy,
I imagine David's beard
is comforting, soft and welcoming.
And I invite you now...
..to enjoy David's beard.
I mean, strictly speaking
it's not your invitation to give.
But you would be doing
a great service to Paul,
who's obviously
a troubled young man.
- No, I would be honoured were Paul...
- Paul, please. - ..to fondle my face.
Paul, knock yourself out.
Leave it to me to invite him.
Go ahead if it would
give you pleasure.
It does not give me pleasure,
that's the whole point.
I hate it, but, you know...
Oh, he's doing it. He's doing it.
He's do...
If this is going to make you
throw up, I...
We can both do without
that footage on YouTube.
Did you tell your friend
why you changed your number?
Oh, no, well, what happened is...
He just... He used to have
a smooth face,
then he grew...
And it was a massive beard,
and it was all really long,
and really unkempt
you know, like all long.
And then I just couldn't
deal with it.
And you've never seen or heard
from him since?
Well, I can't, because he hasn't got
my number.
He can't contact me.
When was this, Paul? How long ago?
2010.
That's a long... Oh, sorry, I
thought you were going to say years.
2010 years after the birth
of Christ, is that...?
I mean, you've picked
a good example.
If you saw an image of Jesus Christ,
would you have problems
looking at his beard?
Or does it have to be a friend
in your personal space?
Well, I mean,
Jesus isn't my friend in that way.
- He is, Paul. - Yes.
And he's yours too.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But not yours, Lee.
All right, so what's it going to be,
Lee? Is it true or is it a lie?
What do we think?
True.
Absolutely every word of it.
- It's a lie. It's got to be a lie.
- You've done the opposite again.
OK, so you're saying it's a lie,
you're saying it's true.
- True. - I'm going to go for true.
- You're going to say it's true. - Yeah.
OK, Paul Foot, was that true
or was it a lie?
It is...
true.
APPLAUSE
Oh, very good.
Yes, it's true,
Paul is repulsed by beards
and did change his phone number
rather than tell a friend
he didn't like his beard.
- Ray, your turn. - Hmm.
HE MUTTERS: What have we got here?
"To hone my tracking skills,
"I used to secretly follow joggers
in the woods."
LAUGHTER
- David. - Which woods?
That was in south London back then.
South... The woods of South London?
- ALL LAUGH
- It could have been lots of places.
What you're saying is a park.
You followed joggers in the park.
A park, yes.
I've jogged through the woods
in South London.
- I never followed your tracks, Jo.
- No, well, I only jog at 0.03mph,
so I'd be following you.
What does tracking involve,
can you tell me?
Yeah, you're following
the marks and disturbances
that animals, or people, or anything
leaves as it moves along.
So what is the evidence
of a recent jogger?
It can vary. So, for example, if...
It depends what the jogger's
wearing.
Probably running shoes.
But they might have, for example,
shorts on or long trousers.
Right, here's a question,
imagine they've got shorts on,
what would they leave?
Well, then they would avoid
maybe stinging nettles and brambles
- as they're running on... - Whereas
the ones with tracksuit bottoms on
are just going right through
the bushes.
And you might even find fibres
left on brambles
as the person passes by
that enable you to determine
the colour of the garments
- that they're wearing. - All right.
- Can I ask you a question?
Have you thought of getting
a PlayStation?
- No. - Just checking.
So you could find...
If they're wearing trousers
and are therefore crashing
through the nettles and brambles,
you can find fibres.
And if it's wet,
you can see footprints.
Mm-hm, this is true.
What if they're not wearing trousers
and it isn't wet? What...
If they're not wearing trousers,
they're probably not a jogger.
Basic rule, trousers - jogger,
no trousers - dogger.
That's how I remember them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very basic system.
You've got to have a system
for these things, haven't you?
So, when you're arriving
at the woods
long after the joggers have gone,
what do you look for first
as the start of the trail?
A muddy puddle,
something like that,
where there's a clear footprint.
But then you're trying to establish
maybe the height of the person
that you're running...
Their personality even shows.
- Their personality?! - Their
personality shows and...
What like things like,
oh, they like jogging?
Whether they're... Yeah, whether...
Yeah, exactly.
- No. - Best way you can learn,
isn't it?
Whether they're listening
to music or...
How do you tell
if they're listening to music?
You can get a different...get
a different thing in the trail.
Can you tell what they're listening
to from the rhythm of their
footprints?
You go, "Oh, this jogger's
listening to samba music."
- I'm dying to know. - I can't yet
determine what music they're
listening to.
- How do you know they listen to
music? - People move differently.
- Rubbish. - Seriously. - Nonsense.
So, David, what are you going
to say, is it the truth?
What do you think, Jo?
Well, I think it's plausible.
It's certainly a very complete
story. What do you think?
I think he does do it.
Well, I think,
we think it's true, then.
- You think it's true? - Yeah. - OK.
Ray Mears, were you telling the
truth, or were you telling a lie?
It's a truth.
Well done. Well done, us.
Yes, it's true.
Ray did used to secretly follow
joggers in the woods
to hone his tracking skills.
Our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Andy.
APPLAUSE
So, Jo Brand, what is Andy to you?
Er, this is Andy,
and he once helped me
break into an ex boyfriend's house
through the dog flap
so I could steal all his pants.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Right. Paul, how do you know Andy?
This is Andy.
He is a great believer
in telekinesis,
and, together,
we conduct experiments
to try and move objects
with the power of our minds.
OK. And finally, David,
what's your relationship with Andy?
This is Andy.
I once accidentally nudged him
into a fountain..
LAUGHTER
..whilst trying to take a photo
of a tank.
Well, there we are.
Jo's fellow pants pincher,
Paul's psychic sidekick,
or David's fountain friend.
- Lee, where do you want to start? - Jo.
Mm-hm.
Just talk us through the incident
again.
Well, I was probably about 18-ish,
something like that, and, Andy...
You'd just got in from a long hitch,
had you?
Yeah.
Um, and Andy is a friend of mine.
I was going out with this bloke
who was a millionaire.
We went to a party
next door to his house.
- He ended up snogging someone else
at this party. - Oh, right.
Who did he snog?
A woman with blonde hair.
I can't remember her name.
Roisin.
So I was quite cross,
and I just wanted to...
do something to make my feelings...
And you decided to go
through the dog flap?
- Yeah. - What kind of dog did he have?
A St Bernard.
- SHE LAUGHS
- No, he didn't.
ALL LAUGH
No, he had...he had
a fat Scottie dog.
Like a Highland terrier?
- Yeah. - They're tiny.
I know, but I was thin at the time.
I was thin when I was a teenager.
No, no, no. You might have been thin
but you weren't like 1ft high.
Terriers are like...big cats.
I didn't walk straight through.
- I wriggled through it. - Wriggled?
- Yeah.
What did Andy...
What was Andy's part in this?
Andy's part in it
was that he helped push me through
from the garden side.
See, not as easy now, is it? You
needed a friend to get you through
the tiny...
- Well, a bit, yeah. And he kept watch
in case... - In case what?
The neighbours noticed.
Yeah, best way to stop
anyone noticing
someone going through a dog flap is
to have someone stood up next to it.
Yeah, a complete stranger standing
next to the door's a bit suspicious.
- Well. - When you got in the house,
what did you do?
- Went to his bedroom. - Yeah.
Got all his pants
out of the drawer...
..and all his pants
out of the washing basket.
- Ah! - Threw them out into the garden,
and then we went
and chucked them in a bin,
and then went to the pub
or something.
Why pants? If he's a millionaire,
why didn't you...
If you broke in and risked
getting arrested,
why didn't you steal something,
or break something,
or write on, like, a painting?
Because a bit of me
wanted to do something
that he would think was a bit weird,
and possibly not know it was me.
Did he ever find out?
I never saw him again.
- You don't know to this day if he...?
- ..blamed the dog.
He knows now. He knows now, yeah.
Well, hopefully he's dead,
so he doesn't.
ALL LAUGH
Joke, everyone.
The good thing is, Jo...
..as long as you've moved on.
LAUGHTER
- Blimey. - Right.
Who else would you like to quiz?
OK, Paul. So you believe
it is possible to move an object
with the power of thought?
Yeah. It's not just possible,
we've done it.
- What things have you moved?
- We moved a vase.
- You moved a vase? - A vase.
How far did the vase move?
- About half an inch. - Right. About?
How many times have you done this,
Paul?
We've moved things
about three or four times.
What other things have you moved?
We moved um,
er, a crisp...crisp packet.
Well, they do...
LAUGHTER
Was the window open
by any chance at all?
No, it was full. It was full
and there was no wind.
There's no way
that could have moved,
- It turned. - It turned. No.
How do you know it just didn't move
on its own, without telekinesis?
Because if you put a crisp packet
in conditions
with no wind, it won't just turn.
It could go on its own
if it was Walkers.
It's got air in it.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Or Skips.
Oh, Skips, yeah.
Can you move fruit?
Oh, hello.
But, you know, I couldn't...
It would take some time...
It takes... And it doesn't work
in this kind of environment
with sceptical people watching,
and everyone all just sort of
judging. It involves...
Is it better with gullible people?
No. No.
- You've moved a vase, a crisp packet.
- Yeah.
- You said there were two others.
What are they? - A remote control.
A remote control. Remote control.
And what was the last one?
A cushion.
Have you ever visually seen
anything move?
Or have you have closed your eyes,
opened them and it's moved?
- Yeah, we've always closed our eyes.
- Yeah. - And...
Do you know what? I think I know
what's going on.
No, but...neither of us moved, we're
both at opposite ends of the...
Yeah, no, I know.
I'm not doubting you Paul.
I'm just saying your friend Andy
might be a bit of a charlatan.
What about David?
Where did this happen then? Come on.
Tell us all.
It happened, er, in, er,
at a military museum in France.
Military museum in France, you're
taking a photograph of a tank.
- Hmm. - Which military museum
in France?
It was... It was called
the Musee De Blande.
AUDIENCE CHUCKLES
Do you... What does that mean
in English?
I think it means
it's a museum of armour.
Right.
He knows I can't argue with him.
He could say anything.
Whereabouts in France?
I th... It's sort of...
I think it's quite near...
It's sort of in the middle-ish
on the left.
Now you're talking my language.
Yeah.
And what were you doing there?
Er, I was looking round the museum.
- Museums... Tank museums? Yeah.
- Do you do this often?
Well, we were, um... We?
Me and I... I've got a wife now.
- Wow. - I'm surprised...
- It's definitely a lie.
To be honest I'm...I'm surprised
that's never come up on the card,
you'd never have believed it.
So... So this is quite recently?
It's, er... Yeah, last summer.
Last summer you said,
"Darling, it's time for you
to know the truth about me."
- Well, I'm... - "Now it's time
to know the real me.
"Museums, France. Come on."
I knew you had a microphone
in our bedroom.
So, talk us through
the incident with Andy
and how that actually happened.
Well, um, outside
the sort of front bit,
there's like a piece of artillery
and a tank.
And, er, I wanted to take a picture
of the tank, as well I might.
- You know. - What sort of tank was it,
David?
It was, um... It was a German tank.
Was it? A tiger tank.
- Yeah. - A tiger tank? - Yeah.
So, you've taken a photograph
of your grandad's tank,
and um...
LAUGHTER
And then...
LAUGHTER INTERRUPTION
And have...
How did it crop up?
I want to know the actual mechanics
of how he ends up in the...
I've not taken the picture
at this point.
I'm trying to get the tank in frame
and I was backing away,
you know, just slowly,
and I, er... There's a...
There was a sort of...
pondy, fountainy bit which people...
A what? A pondy, fountainy bit.
Oh, right. I genuinely thought
you were speaking French again.
- De ponde fountaine bit.
Fountainy bit. - Ah.
And I...I just, um...
You backed into it. I backed...
I just sort of...with my elbow,
and I don't know, he was obviously...
He was obviously what?
He was obviously... He was obv...
I don't know, I was about to say.
I was about to see how that sentence
finished myself, Lee.
Now I need another run up.
Here we go. This is what I want to
know. You've backed into him. Yeah.
There can only be two things.
He's either looking at you
and, for some reason
beyond anything, he just thought,
I'd better just stand here and
be pushed into the fountain,
or he's facing the fountain,
in which case,
why is a man facing a fountain
so far...
Was he weeing into the fountain?
LAUGHTER
He was standing on the rim
eating a baguette.
Ho-ho! Was he?
OK. Was he? Was he wearing a beret?
Did he have onions round his neck?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
How deep was the water
into which he fell?
Um, about 8ft.
8ft?!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Not 8ft, not 8ft.
It was about a foot.
All right. We need an answer, so,
Lee's team, is Andy
Jo's fellow pants pincher,
Paul's psychic sidekick,
or David's fountain friend?
- David's fountain friend.
- Do you think so?
Without a doubt.
Well, please tell me
at least there's a doubt.
SHE LAUGHS
I've never felt more confident.
Wow. Ray, are you of sound mind?
- I agree. I agree, I think.
- You agree as well?
Absolutely, without
a shadow of a doubt, it was David.
Lee, you're not as sure.
I'm not... I'm not sure it's David.
Usually I would have dismissed
someone pretending
that they've moved a vase half inch.
There's something about Paul
that makes me think,
yeah, he looks like the kind of man
who, in his own deluded mind,
thinks he has done it, and which,
in itself, is a truth, isn't it?
- If you think it's true,
then it's true. - Yeah.
- But I think Jo's... - Pants.
- ..story is the most likely
because I've known Jo
for some years,
and I can confirm
she is bitter and twisted.
LAUGHTER
So your two team mates
say one thing, you say another,
- what are you going to do? - We'll go
with David's...ludicrous story
and say that it was David.
You're saying it's David, OK.
Andy, would you please reveal
your true identity?
Hi, my name's Andy
and I helped Jo steal...
- ALL: Oh! - ..her ex boyfriend's pants.
APPLAUSE
Whoopie.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy.
Thank you very much.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies,
and we start with...
- BEEP
- It's Lee.
"A man from Brazil once taught me
a very simple noise you can make
"that will always stop a fox
in its tracks."
LAUGHTER
- David's team. - Can we hear the noise?
I'll be honest with you,
it's a very instinctive thing,
and without a fox, I, er...
- I'll be a fox. Ready? - Yeah.
- Ready? - Yeah.
ALL LAUGH
Can you do fox not reading a book?
No, no, no, no. They know.
- They know. - What's that?
They know.
You, you dumb...don't know.
- What's that? - Ready?
Ready? OK.
"Come on, Mr Lee, come on."
- Oh. - Oh.
"Stop me. Stop me, Mr Lee. Stop me."
I didn't think this would give Rob
an impression opportunity.
- "Come on, Mr Lee." - You can see
him in the producers' room.
"Could we change, um, bear to fox?
"I can... I can do Basil Brush,
I can't do a bear."
They can't...
Lee, they can't change
what a Brazilian man once told you.
ROB LAUGHS
That's true.
That is very true.
Oh, that was like something
out of Poirot, wasn't it?
LAUGHTER
Did this happen in Brazil?
It was in... It was in Brazil, yes.
And what was... What was the noise?
The noise was...
I might have to take a little drink
to do it properly.
I can only stop a fox
if I've got water.
Not many people know this but...
..the fox fears very few things.
It's true, you know.
But there is one animal...
That's my bushy tail.
There is one animal...
- Come on. - ..that, if a fox hears...
- Yes!
..the tone is so weird to the fox
it will scare the fox.
And that beast,
if I may call it a beast,
is the dolphin.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And the noise that you make
is simply the noise of the dolphin,
which I will now demonstrate.
The fox comes towards you...
and a simple...
IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
..will stop the fox in its tracks.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can I just ask you
why would you want to stop a fox
in its tracks anyway?
Foxes aren't aggressive.
They don't run towards you...
- Foxes are aggressive.
- Foxes are aggressive.
- They gnaw at our recycling box.
- Well, can I just say?
They don't gnaw at my recycling
because I have a letter box
and this.
IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
They're off.
Was it a recycling gnawing scenario
that the Brazilian man
was giving you this technique...
No, no. ..in order to avert?
This was just one of those crazy,
drunken nights in Rio
that, er, I... I'll never forget.
I'll never forget sitting there...
I wasn't even talking really
to this gentleman, and...
PFF, he was smoking a big fat cigar,
and he turned round to me
and goes...
IMITATES ACCENT: "If there's one
thing that life has taught me...
"..this...
IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
"..will always stop a fox
in its tracks."
And he did that.
He blew the smoke into my eyes
and we slept together.
ALL LAUGH
- Truth or lie? - Lie.
It's a lie. OK, Lee...
..the suspense is killing us.
Is it true?
It is, in fact,
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee wasn't taught a noise
that can always make a fox
stop in its tracks.
BUZZER
Ah, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Jo Brand.
- APPLAUSE
- Crikey.
Yes, Jo Brand,
devious, calculating
and shamelessly misleading.
If she wasn't a comedian, she'd
have made a hell of an accountant.
Good night.
APPLAUSE