Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Christmas Special - full transcript
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You? At Christmas,
a very special edition
filled with festive fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an actor who recently starred
in the epic biblical movie Noah.
It was a fantastic film
to see at the cinema,
although they did make you go in
two by two, it's Ray Winstone.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
And one of the rising stars
of British comedy
told me he likes this guy,
it's Josh Widdicombe.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
the star of The Royle Family
who played a lazy, good-for-nothing,
work-shy layabout,
you're in good company tonight,
it's Ricky Tomlinson.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
And a woman who is brilliant
when it comes to numbers,
except perhaps the musical ones
on Strictly, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what
they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction
and, Josh, you're first up.
I qualified as a football referee
but quit after six matches
because the abuse became too much.
Lee's team.
When was this?
Uh, it was when I was a teenager.
OK, so this...this year.
LAUGHTER
What division were you in?
What division?
I was 14 and so I...I could
only referee children
- that were younger than me.
- Why did you want to be a referee?
I don't know any kids
when I was growing up
and I would be ashamed
if any of my children...
Only those who couldn't
play football.
Well, that was the problem,
that I wasn't very good at football
but I wanted to hang out with the
kids in the football team at school.
Was there one particular incident
that springs to mind?
- There was. - What happened?
Um...
I bet you wished you'd
now said there wasn't.
ALL LAUGH
No, I was refereeing a match...
Cos when you referee
at a kids' level,
you don't have your own linesman
but a parent from each team
has to line through.
Yeah, that's true.
So you've got the parents...
- running the line, I believe the
phrase is. - There's was a parent
running the line
and he gave an offside decision
but the ball had been played through
by the defender,
so I overruled and he threw his
flag down to the floor in anger...
- Wow, that's quite angry. - Wow.
- Amazing, isn't it? - Yeah.
..and said, "If you were my son,
I'd be ashamed."
Well, you can't do him for that.
Oh, that's fair enough.
In that case...in that case,
it's true.
LAUGHTER
Apart from that incident,
everything was all right?
No, no, no. There was a time
when I gave a child a yellow card
and then his manager took
me aside afterwards and...
Sorry, his manager?
Who was... Was his name Ronaldo?
- He had a manager?
- Well, not like his own,
like the manager of his team,
the...the...the...
Can I just say that you have picked
him up on the only bit of the story
that is true. You can say manager.
- Can you? - You have to say 'manager'.
- Oh, a manager,
- like a football manager? - Yeah,
it doesn't mean like his agent.
You're so showbiz, aren't you?
"His manager, love, at 14? I didn't
get a manager until I was 27.
"Oh, no, I'm not having that."
- Exactly. - No, he wasn't...
So there are managers
in football as well?
Yeah, it wasn't like that.
You know when you phone to complain
about your gas bill and they say,
"I'll put you through
to my manager,"
do you go,
"Manager, oh, you're a bit special.
"You're a big manager."
Anyway, this little child
had a manager. Go on.
Uh, I booked this kid for
quite a late tackle and...
He's good. He's doing well,
this manager,
cos he's getting him bookings.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Well, he did the opposite,
Lee, actually. - Oh, did he?
He took me aside, and if you book...
If you book a player when you're
a referee, you have to then
report it to the local FA
so that they can be fined.
What did the manager say?
It was Christmas, actually,
and he said,
"You don't want to fine a
12-year-old at Christmas."
So I reported him and then...
the guy was livid.
What did he do?
He gave me a very low mark
cos we got marked out of ten
at the end of the match.
Oh, no, that's awful.
Imagine Ray doing that.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Oi, come over 'ere,
I'm going to have a word with you.
"I'm giving you 3 out of 10."
To me, I'm listening to the story,
it's a very good story
but he's like a grass,
isn't he, really?
He is like a grass, isn't he, yeah.
What's this?
- I'm very disappointed...
- This is my team!
No, hold on a minute,
I'm very disappointed. I'm out...
I'm on your side...
which makes me a grass as well.
LAUGHTER
Well, I think, looking at that,
it looks like Ray is on trial
for something and David
is his flustered barrister.
And Josh is the child that
they're fighting custody over.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, so,
what are you going to say?
- He's got a lot of detail. - Rachel.
I think it sounds quite plausible,
and I can imagine him
being rubbish at football and
having to turn to refereeing.
- Ricky, what do you think? - I don't...
I think it's a load of old tosh.
- Oh, no. Do you? - I do, yep.
- I think he's telling the truth.
Rachel says it's true,
Ricky says it's a lie.
Go on. I'm going to go with true.
OK. Josh Widdicombe, refereeing
children, truth or lie?
It is...
true.
Yes! Hey, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Josh did quit his job
as a football referee
because the abuse became too much.
Ray, you're next.
- Right.
- HE CLEARS THROAT
At the bottom of my garden,
I built a replica Stonehenge.
ALL LAUGH
Lee's team.
How big is this Stonehenge?
In relation to the real Stonehenge.
Big enough.
What's it made...
What's it made out of?
Stone.
What type of stone?
Can I just check,
how big is this Stonehenge?
Um, I would say probably
half the size of the original.
- That's still massive. - So, why?
Well my...my garden faces south
and I think if you've got
a nice-sized garden,
you've got to have a reason
to walk to the end of it.
Here's a question,
the great mystery of Stonehenge
is how they did it.
How did they get the stones
on top has never been solved.
How did you get yours on top?
Yeah, the... Well, a crane.
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
How did the crane... How did
the crane get in the garden?
I've got a little road that runs up
the side of the garden.
- Oh, that's handy, isn't it? - Yeah.
Who did you get to do it for you?
Eh?
Who did you... Don't give
yourself time to think.
ALL LAUGH
The old classic
Would I Lie To You 'eh'.
Sorry, I'm a bit mutton.
"Eh, could you say it again, Lee,
"but really slowly
and give me a minute?"
Sorry, what, Lee? Say that again.
Yeah, who made it for you?
Who did the building work?
Um, if I remember rightly,
his name was Peter.
LAUGHTER
Do you use it for anything?
Well, I always thought,
if one of my girls got married,
you know, one day...
That is one confident boyfriend
that's going to come round and say,
HIGHER PITCHED: "Mr Winstone,
I'd like to marry your daughter."
DEEP VOICE: "What?" Well, he wouldn't
talk like that, would he?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So what do you think, Lee?
Is this true?
- I... It can't be true. - I think
it's so weird it might be true.
- No, not for me, no. - It's so... - I
think it's a load of old codswallop.
- We'll definitely say lie to that.
- You say it's a lie.
Ray Winstone, truth or lie?
It's true.
Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Ray has built a replica Stonehenge
at the bottom of his garden,
and we have a picture.
There. There it is.
LAUGHTER
All right. Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, John.
APPLAUSE
So, Rachel, what is John to you?
This is John, he comes to Countdown
every single day
and presents me
with a freshly baked cake.
Ricky, what is John to you?
This is John. If he hadn't
have decided to join my band,
he could have been in The Beatles.
And finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with John?
This is John.
After my mate John
was involved in an accident,
I went to visit him in hospital
but I mistakenly sat
next to this John's bed and
spoke to him for two hours.
ALL LAUGH
- David's team. - OK.
Rachel, he brings a cake every day?
- Yeah. - What sorts of cakes?
Well, last week it was carrot cake
cos that's my favourite, and...
So sometimes he deliberately
doesn't make your favourite cake
to show displeasure at your maths.
One he did was like... It looked
like red velvet but with beetroot,
that was really good and...
..I think it was a
Victoria sponge...
John looks gutted
that you've forgotten.
How many cakes would you say?
Of course he's gutted,
he was almost in The Beatles!
How many cakes would you say
he's given you?
237.
237 cakes?
Do you get someone to have
a little peck before
in case he's poisoned them?
- Well, no, cos... - Carol Vorderman.
LAUGHTER
So, John comes and sits in the
studio audience with the cake,
and who collects the cake from him?
We always have a chat at the top of
the show.
We've got a warm-up guy and
you go and say hi and he's there
every time, so it's just...
I'm interested to hear that
Countdown has a warm-up guy
cos I mean that audience
really is buzzing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We have a very loyal audience.
What does John... Do you know
anything about his life?
Well, he likes Countdown.
- Yeah. - So even though he's
brought you 237 cakes,
you've never asked him
anything about his life?
That's showbiz.
Can I see John's baking hands,
or is he not allowed to move?
- You can have a look
if you want, Josh. - Yeah.
Wow, right.
I can check if they're musicians
hands as well while I'm up here.
- Exactly. - What is it you're
looking for there, Josh?
Just like flour under the nails.
Those aren't the fingers
of a guitar player.
- Right. - Cos they haven't got
any hard ends on them.
It's the exact phrase Paul McCartney
used when he sacked him.
Exactly.
LAUGHTER
What is the worst cake
John has ever cooked you?
He doesn't do bad cakes.
No, but there still...
Even among 237 excellent cakes,
there still has to be a worst.
You didn't get that voiceover
for Greggs, did you?
All right, David.
OK, we'll move on to Ricky.
Um, I'm not an expert on music,
so I've...
- You've heard of The Beatles, though.
- I have heard of The Beatles.
So how did you manage
to spoil John's chances
of being in The Beatles?
Well I...I had a little band
in Liverpool.
I used to go round, and one of
my mates in my band spotted him
and said, "I've seen this fella,
he's great." And we poached him.
- What did he play? What instrument?
- Piano.
- Piano. - Piano? - Piano. - Piano. Piano.
ALL LAUGH
So who's the pianist in
The Beatles instead of him?
So, did you poach him directly
from The Beatles?
- No. - He was never in The Beatles?
- No. - Well, how do you know
he would have been in The Beatles?
Because the band that he was in
went on to become The Beatles.
What were they called?
Um, first of all it was The
Quarrymen, then The Silver Beatles
and then...then The Beatles.
So, I read the book about
The Beatles. What's his surname?
John D'Flo.
- John D'Flo? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER
You know a lot about it this, OK.
Ask the forensic questions.
OK, when John was in the whatever
incarnation of The Beatles,
who else was in it at the time?
I...I think...I think...
I think it was Pete Best.
- Yep. - Paul, John and, um...
- John Lennon. - Matthew, Mark. - Luke.
- John joined your band, Ricky.
- Yeah. - What was your band called?
- The City Slickers. - And did it
go well for The City Slickers?
I think...I think
John was a little bit...
Compared to The Beatles,
which would you say was the best?
- LAUGHTER
- I think John was a bit too good
for us and he didn't drink as much
as us, so he got off.
Did he resent that you'd
taken him out of The Beatles?
No, I think the hate mail
is just part of the game.
David, what about Lee?
Remind us of yours, Lee.
OK, so this is...this is John.
After my mate John had been
involved in an accident,
I went to visit my mate John
but mistakenly sat next to
this John's bed and spoke
to him for two hours.
Why didn't you realise
it was a different John?
Because this John had had,
uh, some bad injuries
and, as a result,
his jaw was all wired up,
he had a bandage over his eye
and the bit that was left
was a very, very black eye,
lots of grazes and scabs,
bandage round the face.
And you thought,
"My God, that must have been a tough
appendicitis operation."
LAUGHTER
Well, I never said...
I never said my mate John had
had appendicitis.
No. What had happened
to your mate John?
So, my mate John, he'd been involved
in a sledging accident.
He's my neighbour and
someone had phoned me
and said, "Ooh, John's in hospital,
he's had a bad sledging accident."
How did it happen?
It was a weird one.
You know sometimes people go
to hospital and they're all right
but then go downhill very quickly,
complete reverse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, yeah. So you arrive
at the hospital... Yeah.
..and do you know
what ward John is in?
No, I don't know
cos I've just raced straight there.
Asked his name, they sent me up
to the...whatever, the third floor.
I went into the...
There's like a mini reception then,
and I said, "I'm looking for John,
"the guy involved
in a sledging accident."
You didn't think to use
the surname of John
once you'd got to
the mini reception?
By this time I was panicked.
So you're very emotionally close
to your next door neighbour.
I'm very fond of my neighbour John.
So the process of going to
hospital you're panicking,
"Oh, my God, is he all right?
Is he all right?
"I can't remember his surname."
No, because John...John...
John...John... My mate John lives
on his own and, uh... I don't...
I'm not going for the sympathy vote.
He lives on his own,
occasionally he goes sledging
on his own.
He's a loner.
A very active, Christmassy loner.
He was out with his grandchildren.
So you got to the mini reception.
- Yeah. - What did you say to the nurse?
"I'm looking for John,
the sledging accident."
And this woman sort of...she...it...
English wasn't her first language.
She sort of said something quickly,
like point to the end at the right,
so I rush up.
And I'm sat in this sort of,
you know, private room just...
just with his bed and I'm saying
to him, you know, uh,
"I'm so sorry. First of all,
where are the grandkids?
"Do you want me to sort anything
out?" And he...and he went,
"Ohhh, ohhh."
Which I now know to be, "I think
you've got the wrong person."
When did you discover that
this John wasn't your John?
When I started to realise
something wasn't right was...
When, in his state, he still
managed to mime and go...
HE MUMBLES
HE MUMBLES
..grandchildren.
That was the bit I thought,
something's not right here.
And so... Then, as I was thinking,
a nurse came in
and I said, "Can I just check
that this is John
who's been involved in
the sledging accident?"
And she said, "No." And I said,
"Well, when I asked you,
"you said to...you know..."
It was the same one as the one
on the...the reception desk?
This is the bit that you're
not going to believe. Yeah.
It turns out, this woman
whose language wasn't...
first language English,
turns out his surname is Ledging...
..and thought that I'd said
John Ledging, accident.
Is your next door neighbours surname
'Ladder' by any chance?
Don't be facetious,
you know it's not.
That's my stepson's name.
ALL LAUGH
APPLAUSE
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is John, Rachel's baking buddy,
Ricky's musical mate
or Lee's poorly patient?
It's not Lee, is it?
We don't think it's Lee.
I think Ray thinks
it might be Ricky.
- Yeah. - You think it might be.
Yeah, I got a feeling
it could be Ricky.
- John, show us your fingers again.
- Hold your hands up. Thank you.
Oh, it's... Yeah, they look
like pianist fingers to me.
- Good for baking. - That's exactly
as he was lying when I...
LAUGHTER
There was metal rods
underneath like that.
I think, if Rachel was telling
the truth, she'd have known more
- about his life, cos she knew very
litt... - Yeah, she's a nice girl...
Yeah, she'd know at least like
about his life at all, would...
Yeah, you are quite bright,
actually.
I think it might be Rachel.
I don't think it's Rachel,
but you...
OK, and you don't... You both
think it's Ricky, don't you?
- Yeah. - Well, I'll go to Ricky,
I think, yeah.
OK, well, I think we're going to say
it's Ricky, is telling the truth.
OK, right. John, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is John.
I could have been in The Beatles,
but I left to join Ricky's band.
Yes, John is Ricky's musical mate.
Thank you, John.
- Nice to see you, kid. - Oh, my God.
- How are you, my friend?
- Great to see you.
Lovely. And it is 50 years,
isn't it?
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
- BUZZER
- It's David.
Possession.
Ah, there's a box under the desk,
David.
Would you take the card out...
- Yes. - ..and read the card and then
show us the possession, please?
OK.
CLEARS THROAT
"This is my frog lamp.
"I...
LAUGHTER
"I pop it on when I go down
to the bottom of the garden
"to check on the frogs."
OK, if you could take
the frog lamp out and...
LAUGHTER
Fantastic.
And I think it... Well, as you know,
you can switch it on.
You know how to do it, there we are.
That is, without doubt, the most
working class you've ever looked.
- Lee. - I'm going to save the battery
if it's all right.
So... OK, the frogs at
the bottom of your...
Are they at the bottom
of your garden? Yes.
Are they your frogs
in a sort of pet sense,
or are they frogs that live wild,
like, at a stream that's at
the bottom of your garden?
There's a bucket of them
and I...I initially... That I got
from frogspawn in my parents' pond.
A whole bucketful of frogspawn?
A whole bucketful of frogspawn.
No, you didn't. Yes, I did.
Or did I?
Why do you check on
your frogs at night?
Because I'm embarrassed
to do it by day.
It's a...it's a good time, I've been
told, to check on them as well.
- But what are you checking for?
- Oh, just... - Still there?
Observing them,
see if they're still there.
- OK. - I like to look at them.
So, question for you -
why do you not just carry a torch?
What is it you're leaving
your hands free for that you...
LAUGHTER
..when you're looking at the frogs?
- Exactly. - What are you doing...
- Exactly. - ..where you can't
just hold the torch?
What do you need these for
when you're looking at the frogs?
No, I... I mean, I think it would
be possible to check on them
without this but,
as I have this tremendous hat...
That's a good question.
So, that is just...
You just happen to have that hat.
Yeah. So what did you have
that hat for before the frogs?
Where did I get this hat?
Where did you get the hat?
Where did I get this hat? Isn't it
funny, I've never seen one like
that.
Yeah. I got this hat...
This hat belonged to my grandfather.
Was it...
LAUGHTER
Your grandfather was
very advanced, wasn't he?
I mean, the halogen light.
He must have been
the talk of the village.
They must have thought of him
as the devil's own, witchcraft.
Why did your grandfather
own that hat?
I don't know why he owned this hat.
So your grandad gave you that hat?
No. So it was passed on
after he died?
It was discovered in the garage.
And no-one ever knows
what he used to do with it?
No. They're all...
Did your grandmother just go,
"That's curious." She didn't even...
I couldn't...I couldn't
ask my grandmother
because she predeceased my
grandfather by several decades.
Ooh. Oh, Lee, you're a horrible man.
SHOUTS: There's a clip for
the Christmas trailer.
ALL LAUGH
BOTH: # Christmas time,
mistletoe and wine... #
Do you touch the frogs?
I do occasionally
but they don't like it.
- What do they do when you touch them?
- They hop off.
- Do they... - Not that they're on my...
I mean they hop away.
- So, what do you think? - Rachel.
- I like it. I'm buying it.
- You're buying it? - I'm buying...
SHE LAUGHS
You're buying the hat?
- Ricky. - I don't believe him.
- You don't believe him?
- No, I don't believe him.
So, what are you going to say, Lee?
- We'll say it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, OK.
David, truth or lie?
Yes, you've got lucky, it is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
David doesn't wear a frog lamp to
check on the frogs in his garden.
Next.
BUZZER
- It's Ray. - Oh! OK.
Yeah. Whenever I eat a boiled egg,
I say, "Sorry, Mr Egg,"
as I bash its head in with a spoon.
OK, so, um, how long have
you been doing this for?
Since I was a little boy.
Right, and why do you feel you
need to apologise to an egg?
We used to draw faces on eggs...
- Yeah. - ..you know, and, it was just
a nice thing to do, you know,
"I'm sorry, Mr Egg." You'd kind
of make a little cut on it
cos your mum would show you how
to do that and you'd apologise
when you'd done the bashing.
And now you're a grown-up, are you
still drawing faces on the egg?
Well, I do for my little girl, yeah.
And there's nothing
like a boiled egg.
In fact, now, using your phone,
you get the perfect timer
for an egg now.
I've just got it off to a T and I'm
very good at making boiled eggs.
Has this just become a cookery show?
THEY LAUGH
When did you last do this, Ray?
When was the last time you did it?
Um, I was away last week,
so it would have been the week
before last.
- Where were you last week? - Berlin.
What were you doing there?
Just keeping my eye on the Germans.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
HE LAUGHS
Oh, that's great.
- Now, what are you thinking?
- What do we think?
Oh, I...I don't know.
I don't think it's true.
- What do you think, Rachel?
- I think it's false.
- OK, my team say it's a lie, I have
to go with a lie. - OK, so a lie.
Uh, Ray, truth or lie?
It's a lie.
PANEL CHEERS
Next.
It's Lee.
I can write so well
with my right foot that,
to save time writing
Christmas cards, I...
LAUGHTER
..I simultaneously write
one card with my hand
and one card with my foot.
David's team.
I think we just want to have
a demonstration.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- So, can you write one card
to Rob and one to me? - All right.
I can think of another
time-saver actually
cos you can actually get cards
where they've already printed
"Happy Christmas" on them for you.
And that's the kind of
emotionless man you are.
You get them printed when it says,
"Sorry to hear that someone's died,"
and then you just put "David."
The person you are.
- Now, um... - A couple of cards.
- Yes, so... - Couple of pens.
Yeah, now, obviously it's
going to be difficult
because my sofa's not
as high as this,
so how do you expect me to sit
on there and reach the floor?
Yeah, why don't you
just use Rob's chair?
Yeah, then you sit on the floor.
Can I use your chair, Rob?
- Yeah, course you can. - A nice treat
sitting on the big high stool.
ALL LAUGH
So, there you go.
Hang on, I'll help you up. Just...
So, you get here.
This is me at home,
obviously sat on my own.
- I feel like a song now. - Are you
doing both at the same time for us?
Can I just say, at school...
LAUGHTER
What?
♪ Have you ever had
one of those days? ♪
See you at the same time next week.
I'm Val Doonican, goodbye.
- Set the scene for us, Lee.
- I'll set the scene.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- You're at home.
- We've left it a bit late. - Yeah.
My wife's says, "We haven't done
the Christmas cards again,
"sweetheart," and I say, "Fear not,
love, cos remember my party trick?
"I cannot... If I help you,
we'll do it three times as quick."
There's the three of us -
me, her, and the foot.
So, the pen, the red pen for now,
will go into the foot.
Thus, OK.
So that card will go on the floor
there, like that.
- Do you... - Wait Josh, look. Then the
other one goes in the hand there.
I think you'll agree,
ladies and gentlemen,
I have demonstrated it perfectly.
- I mean, what else is there to do?
- Ah, well, it would be lovely...
- Why don't you try and write...
- Running out of time, Rob,
- we should wrap it up now. - Why don't
you... - We're running out of time.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Zzzz! That's the
buzzer. That's the end of the game.
I moved to Scotland?
- Why don't you write me...
- Yeah. - ..with that one
- a lovely Christmas message and a
lovely one for David? - Here we go.
But still, I can see why this
is a tremendous time-saver.
Off you go, start corresponding.
Now.
Ooh, aye, well done. Well done.
Hey! Well done.
He's doing it. He is doing it.
LAUGHTER
And this one, come on.
Oh, the kisses. The kisses, good.
- Ooh. - Here you go, Rob.
Happy Christmas.
All right, all righty.
So, yeah, um...
Can I have a look?
This is yours, David.
It's a little... If you
received that in the post,
you'd think someone wanted
to kill you, wouldn't you?
- I think we're going to go true.
- You're going to...
ALL LAUGH
So, are you saying it is the truth
or are you saying it is a lie?
- That's a lie. - It's a lie.
- Yeah, it is...it is a lie.
So, Lee, was it the truth
or might it have been a lie?
It was, in fact...
..a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't use his hands and feet
to write two Christmas cards
at the same time.
BUZZER SOUNDS
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal the scores
are tied. It's a draw.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game,
my individual liar of the week
is Ray Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Ray Winstone,
he's been responsible for more
hot air than a plateful of sprouts.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Would I Lie To You? At Christmas,
a very special edition
filled with festive fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an actor who recently starred
in the epic biblical movie Noah.
It was a fantastic film
to see at the cinema,
although they did make you go in
two by two, it's Ray Winstone.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
And one of the rising stars
of British comedy
told me he likes this guy,
it's Josh Widdicombe.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
the star of The Royle Family
who played a lazy, good-for-nothing,
work-shy layabout,
you're in good company tonight,
it's Ricky Tomlinson.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
And a woman who is brilliant
when it comes to numbers,
except perhaps the musical ones
on Strictly, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what
they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction
and, Josh, you're first up.
I qualified as a football referee
but quit after six matches
because the abuse became too much.
Lee's team.
When was this?
Uh, it was when I was a teenager.
OK, so this...this year.
LAUGHTER
What division were you in?
What division?
I was 14 and so I...I could
only referee children
- that were younger than me.
- Why did you want to be a referee?
I don't know any kids
when I was growing up
and I would be ashamed
if any of my children...
Only those who couldn't
play football.
Well, that was the problem,
that I wasn't very good at football
but I wanted to hang out with the
kids in the football team at school.
Was there one particular incident
that springs to mind?
- There was. - What happened?
Um...
I bet you wished you'd
now said there wasn't.
ALL LAUGH
No, I was refereeing a match...
Cos when you referee
at a kids' level,
you don't have your own linesman
but a parent from each team
has to line through.
Yeah, that's true.
So you've got the parents...
- running the line, I believe the
phrase is. - There's was a parent
running the line
and he gave an offside decision
but the ball had been played through
by the defender,
so I overruled and he threw his
flag down to the floor in anger...
- Wow, that's quite angry. - Wow.
- Amazing, isn't it? - Yeah.
..and said, "If you were my son,
I'd be ashamed."
Well, you can't do him for that.
Oh, that's fair enough.
In that case...in that case,
it's true.
LAUGHTER
Apart from that incident,
everything was all right?
No, no, no. There was a time
when I gave a child a yellow card
and then his manager took
me aside afterwards and...
Sorry, his manager?
Who was... Was his name Ronaldo?
- He had a manager?
- Well, not like his own,
like the manager of his team,
the...the...the...
Can I just say that you have picked
him up on the only bit of the story
that is true. You can say manager.
- Can you? - You have to say 'manager'.
- Oh, a manager,
- like a football manager? - Yeah,
it doesn't mean like his agent.
You're so showbiz, aren't you?
"His manager, love, at 14? I didn't
get a manager until I was 27.
"Oh, no, I'm not having that."
- Exactly. - No, he wasn't...
So there are managers
in football as well?
Yeah, it wasn't like that.
You know when you phone to complain
about your gas bill and they say,
"I'll put you through
to my manager,"
do you go,
"Manager, oh, you're a bit special.
"You're a big manager."
Anyway, this little child
had a manager. Go on.
Uh, I booked this kid for
quite a late tackle and...
He's good. He's doing well,
this manager,
cos he's getting him bookings.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Well, he did the opposite,
Lee, actually. - Oh, did he?
He took me aside, and if you book...
If you book a player when you're
a referee, you have to then
report it to the local FA
so that they can be fined.
What did the manager say?
It was Christmas, actually,
and he said,
"You don't want to fine a
12-year-old at Christmas."
So I reported him and then...
the guy was livid.
What did he do?
He gave me a very low mark
cos we got marked out of ten
at the end of the match.
Oh, no, that's awful.
Imagine Ray doing that.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Oi, come over 'ere,
I'm going to have a word with you.
"I'm giving you 3 out of 10."
To me, I'm listening to the story,
it's a very good story
but he's like a grass,
isn't he, really?
He is like a grass, isn't he, yeah.
What's this?
- I'm very disappointed...
- This is my team!
No, hold on a minute,
I'm very disappointed. I'm out...
I'm on your side...
which makes me a grass as well.
LAUGHTER
Well, I think, looking at that,
it looks like Ray is on trial
for something and David
is his flustered barrister.
And Josh is the child that
they're fighting custody over.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, so,
what are you going to say?
- He's got a lot of detail. - Rachel.
I think it sounds quite plausible,
and I can imagine him
being rubbish at football and
having to turn to refereeing.
- Ricky, what do you think? - I don't...
I think it's a load of old tosh.
- Oh, no. Do you? - I do, yep.
- I think he's telling the truth.
Rachel says it's true,
Ricky says it's a lie.
Go on. I'm going to go with true.
OK. Josh Widdicombe, refereeing
children, truth or lie?
It is...
true.
Yes! Hey, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Josh did quit his job
as a football referee
because the abuse became too much.
Ray, you're next.
- Right.
- HE CLEARS THROAT
At the bottom of my garden,
I built a replica Stonehenge.
ALL LAUGH
Lee's team.
How big is this Stonehenge?
In relation to the real Stonehenge.
Big enough.
What's it made...
What's it made out of?
Stone.
What type of stone?
Can I just check,
how big is this Stonehenge?
Um, I would say probably
half the size of the original.
- That's still massive. - So, why?
Well my...my garden faces south
and I think if you've got
a nice-sized garden,
you've got to have a reason
to walk to the end of it.
Here's a question,
the great mystery of Stonehenge
is how they did it.
How did they get the stones
on top has never been solved.
How did you get yours on top?
Yeah, the... Well, a crane.
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
How did the crane... How did
the crane get in the garden?
I've got a little road that runs up
the side of the garden.
- Oh, that's handy, isn't it? - Yeah.
Who did you get to do it for you?
Eh?
Who did you... Don't give
yourself time to think.
ALL LAUGH
The old classic
Would I Lie To You 'eh'.
Sorry, I'm a bit mutton.
"Eh, could you say it again, Lee,
"but really slowly
and give me a minute?"
Sorry, what, Lee? Say that again.
Yeah, who made it for you?
Who did the building work?
Um, if I remember rightly,
his name was Peter.
LAUGHTER
Do you use it for anything?
Well, I always thought,
if one of my girls got married,
you know, one day...
That is one confident boyfriend
that's going to come round and say,
HIGHER PITCHED: "Mr Winstone,
I'd like to marry your daughter."
DEEP VOICE: "What?" Well, he wouldn't
talk like that, would he?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So what do you think, Lee?
Is this true?
- I... It can't be true. - I think
it's so weird it might be true.
- No, not for me, no. - It's so... - I
think it's a load of old codswallop.
- We'll definitely say lie to that.
- You say it's a lie.
Ray Winstone, truth or lie?
It's true.
Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Ray has built a replica Stonehenge
at the bottom of his garden,
and we have a picture.
There. There it is.
LAUGHTER
All right. Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, John.
APPLAUSE
So, Rachel, what is John to you?
This is John, he comes to Countdown
every single day
and presents me
with a freshly baked cake.
Ricky, what is John to you?
This is John. If he hadn't
have decided to join my band,
he could have been in The Beatles.
And finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with John?
This is John.
After my mate John
was involved in an accident,
I went to visit him in hospital
but I mistakenly sat
next to this John's bed and
spoke to him for two hours.
ALL LAUGH
- David's team. - OK.
Rachel, he brings a cake every day?
- Yeah. - What sorts of cakes?
Well, last week it was carrot cake
cos that's my favourite, and...
So sometimes he deliberately
doesn't make your favourite cake
to show displeasure at your maths.
One he did was like... It looked
like red velvet but with beetroot,
that was really good and...
..I think it was a
Victoria sponge...
John looks gutted
that you've forgotten.
How many cakes would you say?
Of course he's gutted,
he was almost in The Beatles!
How many cakes would you say
he's given you?
237.
237 cakes?
Do you get someone to have
a little peck before
in case he's poisoned them?
- Well, no, cos... - Carol Vorderman.
LAUGHTER
So, John comes and sits in the
studio audience with the cake,
and who collects the cake from him?
We always have a chat at the top of
the show.
We've got a warm-up guy and
you go and say hi and he's there
every time, so it's just...
I'm interested to hear that
Countdown has a warm-up guy
cos I mean that audience
really is buzzing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We have a very loyal audience.
What does John... Do you know
anything about his life?
Well, he likes Countdown.
- Yeah. - So even though he's
brought you 237 cakes,
you've never asked him
anything about his life?
That's showbiz.
Can I see John's baking hands,
or is he not allowed to move?
- You can have a look
if you want, Josh. - Yeah.
Wow, right.
I can check if they're musicians
hands as well while I'm up here.
- Exactly. - What is it you're
looking for there, Josh?
Just like flour under the nails.
Those aren't the fingers
of a guitar player.
- Right. - Cos they haven't got
any hard ends on them.
It's the exact phrase Paul McCartney
used when he sacked him.
Exactly.
LAUGHTER
What is the worst cake
John has ever cooked you?
He doesn't do bad cakes.
No, but there still...
Even among 237 excellent cakes,
there still has to be a worst.
You didn't get that voiceover
for Greggs, did you?
All right, David.
OK, we'll move on to Ricky.
Um, I'm not an expert on music,
so I've...
- You've heard of The Beatles, though.
- I have heard of The Beatles.
So how did you manage
to spoil John's chances
of being in The Beatles?
Well I...I had a little band
in Liverpool.
I used to go round, and one of
my mates in my band spotted him
and said, "I've seen this fella,
he's great." And we poached him.
- What did he play? What instrument?
- Piano.
- Piano. - Piano? - Piano. - Piano. Piano.
ALL LAUGH
So who's the pianist in
The Beatles instead of him?
So, did you poach him directly
from The Beatles?
- No. - He was never in The Beatles?
- No. - Well, how do you know
he would have been in The Beatles?
Because the band that he was in
went on to become The Beatles.
What were they called?
Um, first of all it was The
Quarrymen, then The Silver Beatles
and then...then The Beatles.
So, I read the book about
The Beatles. What's his surname?
John D'Flo.
- John D'Flo? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER
You know a lot about it this, OK.
Ask the forensic questions.
OK, when John was in the whatever
incarnation of The Beatles,
who else was in it at the time?
I...I think...I think...
I think it was Pete Best.
- Yep. - Paul, John and, um...
- John Lennon. - Matthew, Mark. - Luke.
- John joined your band, Ricky.
- Yeah. - What was your band called?
- The City Slickers. - And did it
go well for The City Slickers?
I think...I think
John was a little bit...
Compared to The Beatles,
which would you say was the best?
- LAUGHTER
- I think John was a bit too good
for us and he didn't drink as much
as us, so he got off.
Did he resent that you'd
taken him out of The Beatles?
No, I think the hate mail
is just part of the game.
David, what about Lee?
Remind us of yours, Lee.
OK, so this is...this is John.
After my mate John had been
involved in an accident,
I went to visit my mate John
but mistakenly sat next to
this John's bed and spoke
to him for two hours.
Why didn't you realise
it was a different John?
Because this John had had,
uh, some bad injuries
and, as a result,
his jaw was all wired up,
he had a bandage over his eye
and the bit that was left
was a very, very black eye,
lots of grazes and scabs,
bandage round the face.
And you thought,
"My God, that must have been a tough
appendicitis operation."
LAUGHTER
Well, I never said...
I never said my mate John had
had appendicitis.
No. What had happened
to your mate John?
So, my mate John, he'd been involved
in a sledging accident.
He's my neighbour and
someone had phoned me
and said, "Ooh, John's in hospital,
he's had a bad sledging accident."
How did it happen?
It was a weird one.
You know sometimes people go
to hospital and they're all right
but then go downhill very quickly,
complete reverse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, yeah. So you arrive
at the hospital... Yeah.
..and do you know
what ward John is in?
No, I don't know
cos I've just raced straight there.
Asked his name, they sent me up
to the...whatever, the third floor.
I went into the...
There's like a mini reception then,
and I said, "I'm looking for John,
"the guy involved
in a sledging accident."
You didn't think to use
the surname of John
once you'd got to
the mini reception?
By this time I was panicked.
So you're very emotionally close
to your next door neighbour.
I'm very fond of my neighbour John.
So the process of going to
hospital you're panicking,
"Oh, my God, is he all right?
Is he all right?
"I can't remember his surname."
No, because John...John...
John...John... My mate John lives
on his own and, uh... I don't...
I'm not going for the sympathy vote.
He lives on his own,
occasionally he goes sledging
on his own.
He's a loner.
A very active, Christmassy loner.
He was out with his grandchildren.
So you got to the mini reception.
- Yeah. - What did you say to the nurse?
"I'm looking for John,
the sledging accident."
And this woman sort of...she...it...
English wasn't her first language.
She sort of said something quickly,
like point to the end at the right,
so I rush up.
And I'm sat in this sort of,
you know, private room just...
just with his bed and I'm saying
to him, you know, uh,
"I'm so sorry. First of all,
where are the grandkids?
"Do you want me to sort anything
out?" And he...and he went,
"Ohhh, ohhh."
Which I now know to be, "I think
you've got the wrong person."
When did you discover that
this John wasn't your John?
When I started to realise
something wasn't right was...
When, in his state, he still
managed to mime and go...
HE MUMBLES
HE MUMBLES
..grandchildren.
That was the bit I thought,
something's not right here.
And so... Then, as I was thinking,
a nurse came in
and I said, "Can I just check
that this is John
who's been involved in
the sledging accident?"
And she said, "No." And I said,
"Well, when I asked you,
"you said to...you know..."
It was the same one as the one
on the...the reception desk?
This is the bit that you're
not going to believe. Yeah.
It turns out, this woman
whose language wasn't...
first language English,
turns out his surname is Ledging...
..and thought that I'd said
John Ledging, accident.
Is your next door neighbours surname
'Ladder' by any chance?
Don't be facetious,
you know it's not.
That's my stepson's name.
ALL LAUGH
APPLAUSE
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is John, Rachel's baking buddy,
Ricky's musical mate
or Lee's poorly patient?
It's not Lee, is it?
We don't think it's Lee.
I think Ray thinks
it might be Ricky.
- Yeah. - You think it might be.
Yeah, I got a feeling
it could be Ricky.
- John, show us your fingers again.
- Hold your hands up. Thank you.
Oh, it's... Yeah, they look
like pianist fingers to me.
- Good for baking. - That's exactly
as he was lying when I...
LAUGHTER
There was metal rods
underneath like that.
I think, if Rachel was telling
the truth, she'd have known more
- about his life, cos she knew very
litt... - Yeah, she's a nice girl...
Yeah, she'd know at least like
about his life at all, would...
Yeah, you are quite bright,
actually.
I think it might be Rachel.
I don't think it's Rachel,
but you...
OK, and you don't... You both
think it's Ricky, don't you?
- Yeah. - Well, I'll go to Ricky,
I think, yeah.
OK, well, I think we're going to say
it's Ricky, is telling the truth.
OK, right. John, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is John.
I could have been in The Beatles,
but I left to join Ricky's band.
Yes, John is Ricky's musical mate.
Thank you, John.
- Nice to see you, kid. - Oh, my God.
- How are you, my friend?
- Great to see you.
Lovely. And it is 50 years,
isn't it?
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
- BUZZER
- It's David.
Possession.
Ah, there's a box under the desk,
David.
Would you take the card out...
- Yes. - ..and read the card and then
show us the possession, please?
OK.
CLEARS THROAT
"This is my frog lamp.
"I...
LAUGHTER
"I pop it on when I go down
to the bottom of the garden
"to check on the frogs."
OK, if you could take
the frog lamp out and...
LAUGHTER
Fantastic.
And I think it... Well, as you know,
you can switch it on.
You know how to do it, there we are.
That is, without doubt, the most
working class you've ever looked.
- Lee. - I'm going to save the battery
if it's all right.
So... OK, the frogs at
the bottom of your...
Are they at the bottom
of your garden? Yes.
Are they your frogs
in a sort of pet sense,
or are they frogs that live wild,
like, at a stream that's at
the bottom of your garden?
There's a bucket of them
and I...I initially... That I got
from frogspawn in my parents' pond.
A whole bucketful of frogspawn?
A whole bucketful of frogspawn.
No, you didn't. Yes, I did.
Or did I?
Why do you check on
your frogs at night?
Because I'm embarrassed
to do it by day.
It's a...it's a good time, I've been
told, to check on them as well.
- But what are you checking for?
- Oh, just... - Still there?
Observing them,
see if they're still there.
- OK. - I like to look at them.
So, question for you -
why do you not just carry a torch?
What is it you're leaving
your hands free for that you...
LAUGHTER
..when you're looking at the frogs?
- Exactly. - What are you doing...
- Exactly. - ..where you can't
just hold the torch?
What do you need these for
when you're looking at the frogs?
No, I... I mean, I think it would
be possible to check on them
without this but,
as I have this tremendous hat...
That's a good question.
So, that is just...
You just happen to have that hat.
Yeah. So what did you have
that hat for before the frogs?
Where did I get this hat?
Where did you get the hat?
Where did I get this hat? Isn't it
funny, I've never seen one like
that.
Yeah. I got this hat...
This hat belonged to my grandfather.
Was it...
LAUGHTER
Your grandfather was
very advanced, wasn't he?
I mean, the halogen light.
He must have been
the talk of the village.
They must have thought of him
as the devil's own, witchcraft.
Why did your grandfather
own that hat?
I don't know why he owned this hat.
So your grandad gave you that hat?
No. So it was passed on
after he died?
It was discovered in the garage.
And no-one ever knows
what he used to do with it?
No. They're all...
Did your grandmother just go,
"That's curious." She didn't even...
I couldn't...I couldn't
ask my grandmother
because she predeceased my
grandfather by several decades.
Ooh. Oh, Lee, you're a horrible man.
SHOUTS: There's a clip for
the Christmas trailer.
ALL LAUGH
BOTH: # Christmas time,
mistletoe and wine... #
Do you touch the frogs?
I do occasionally
but they don't like it.
- What do they do when you touch them?
- They hop off.
- Do they... - Not that they're on my...
I mean they hop away.
- So, what do you think? - Rachel.
- I like it. I'm buying it.
- You're buying it? - I'm buying...
SHE LAUGHS
You're buying the hat?
- Ricky. - I don't believe him.
- You don't believe him?
- No, I don't believe him.
So, what are you going to say, Lee?
- We'll say it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, OK.
David, truth or lie?
Yes, you've got lucky, it is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
David doesn't wear a frog lamp to
check on the frogs in his garden.
Next.
BUZZER
- It's Ray. - Oh! OK.
Yeah. Whenever I eat a boiled egg,
I say, "Sorry, Mr Egg,"
as I bash its head in with a spoon.
OK, so, um, how long have
you been doing this for?
Since I was a little boy.
Right, and why do you feel you
need to apologise to an egg?
We used to draw faces on eggs...
- Yeah. - ..you know, and, it was just
a nice thing to do, you know,
"I'm sorry, Mr Egg." You'd kind
of make a little cut on it
cos your mum would show you how
to do that and you'd apologise
when you'd done the bashing.
And now you're a grown-up, are you
still drawing faces on the egg?
Well, I do for my little girl, yeah.
And there's nothing
like a boiled egg.
In fact, now, using your phone,
you get the perfect timer
for an egg now.
I've just got it off to a T and I'm
very good at making boiled eggs.
Has this just become a cookery show?
THEY LAUGH
When did you last do this, Ray?
When was the last time you did it?
Um, I was away last week,
so it would have been the week
before last.
- Where were you last week? - Berlin.
What were you doing there?
Just keeping my eye on the Germans.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
HE LAUGHS
Oh, that's great.
- Now, what are you thinking?
- What do we think?
Oh, I...I don't know.
I don't think it's true.
- What do you think, Rachel?
- I think it's false.
- OK, my team say it's a lie, I have
to go with a lie. - OK, so a lie.
Uh, Ray, truth or lie?
It's a lie.
PANEL CHEERS
Next.
It's Lee.
I can write so well
with my right foot that,
to save time writing
Christmas cards, I...
LAUGHTER
..I simultaneously write
one card with my hand
and one card with my foot.
David's team.
I think we just want to have
a demonstration.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- So, can you write one card
to Rob and one to me? - All right.
I can think of another
time-saver actually
cos you can actually get cards
where they've already printed
"Happy Christmas" on them for you.
And that's the kind of
emotionless man you are.
You get them printed when it says,
"Sorry to hear that someone's died,"
and then you just put "David."
The person you are.
- Now, um... - A couple of cards.
- Yes, so... - Couple of pens.
Yeah, now, obviously it's
going to be difficult
because my sofa's not
as high as this,
so how do you expect me to sit
on there and reach the floor?
Yeah, why don't you
just use Rob's chair?
Yeah, then you sit on the floor.
Can I use your chair, Rob?
- Yeah, course you can. - A nice treat
sitting on the big high stool.
ALL LAUGH
So, there you go.
Hang on, I'll help you up. Just...
So, you get here.
This is me at home,
obviously sat on my own.
- I feel like a song now. - Are you
doing both at the same time for us?
Can I just say, at school...
LAUGHTER
What?
♪ Have you ever had
one of those days? ♪
See you at the same time next week.
I'm Val Doonican, goodbye.
- Set the scene for us, Lee.
- I'll set the scene.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- You're at home.
- We've left it a bit late. - Yeah.
My wife's says, "We haven't done
the Christmas cards again,
"sweetheart," and I say, "Fear not,
love, cos remember my party trick?
"I cannot... If I help you,
we'll do it three times as quick."
There's the three of us -
me, her, and the foot.
So, the pen, the red pen for now,
will go into the foot.
Thus, OK.
So that card will go on the floor
there, like that.
- Do you... - Wait Josh, look. Then the
other one goes in the hand there.
I think you'll agree,
ladies and gentlemen,
I have demonstrated it perfectly.
- I mean, what else is there to do?
- Ah, well, it would be lovely...
- Why don't you try and write...
- Running out of time, Rob,
- we should wrap it up now. - Why don't
you... - We're running out of time.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Zzzz! That's the
buzzer. That's the end of the game.
I moved to Scotland?
- Why don't you write me...
- Yeah. - ..with that one
- a lovely Christmas message and a
lovely one for David? - Here we go.
But still, I can see why this
is a tremendous time-saver.
Off you go, start corresponding.
Now.
Ooh, aye, well done. Well done.
Hey! Well done.
He's doing it. He is doing it.
LAUGHTER
And this one, come on.
Oh, the kisses. The kisses, good.
- Ooh. - Here you go, Rob.
Happy Christmas.
All right, all righty.
So, yeah, um...
Can I have a look?
This is yours, David.
It's a little... If you
received that in the post,
you'd think someone wanted
to kill you, wouldn't you?
- I think we're going to go true.
- You're going to...
ALL LAUGH
So, are you saying it is the truth
or are you saying it is a lie?
- That's a lie. - It's a lie.
- Yeah, it is...it is a lie.
So, Lee, was it the truth
or might it have been a lie?
It was, in fact...
..a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't use his hands and feet
to write two Christmas cards
at the same time.
BUZZER SOUNDS
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal the scores
are tied. It's a draw.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game,
my individual liar of the week
is Ray Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Ray Winstone,
he's been responsible for more
hot air than a plateful of sprouts.
Good night.
APPLAUSE