Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - Episode #8.5 - full transcript
Good evening, welcome to
Would I Lie To You,
the show that sorts the facts
from the fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a TV presenter who effortlessly
mixes brains and beauty,
like a sort of female Rob Brydon.
It's Carol Vorderman.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian from Wales,
so like all Welshmen,
he's just happy to be indoors and
out of the rain. It's Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
an interior designer who was
recently hired by the Beckhams.
It was an easy job.
Victoria has a tiny interior
and David hasn't got much upstairs.
- It's Kelly Hoppen.
- APPLAUSE
And the thinking woman's comedian,
if that woman is thinking,
"God, what was I thinking?"
- It's Hal Cruttenden.
- APPLAUSE
We begin of course with Round One.
It's Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
- Kelly, you're first. - OK.
Rather than use a flannel
or a sponge,
I wash with an orange.
LAUGHTER
David's team, what do you think?
How do you, how do you...?
CAROL LAUGHS
How do you use the orange?
Well, I mean, you know,
citrus fruits are...
LAUGHTER
Instinctively, I think Carol
doesn't believe you.
Either that or she's completely...
Look, I mean, citrus fruits are
known to be very good for your skin.
So if you cut an orange in half
and you use it on your face,
the citrus goes into your pores.
RHOD: Ah. Do you use
both halves, like that?
Absolutely.
- Saves time that, doesn't it? - Yeah.
Then you wash it off with water,
just with your hands
and then the best bit is to then
take the other side of the orange
and buff your skin.
Oh. I tell you what, this is
a northern man's nightmare.
Washing AND fruit.
- I mean I'm 73...
- LAUGHTER
..and honestly, it's fantastic
and you smell so fabulous.
RHOD: Can I, er... Can I come
over and have a smell?
Oh, the old Welsh chat-up line.
LAUGHTER
I should be able to smell it, yeah?
I should be able to smell.
LAUGHTER
The best evidence is before
she started doing this,
she used to have black hair.
I didn't smell any orange.
Did you not? No.
You told me earlier today that
you had a stinking cold.
I have got a stinking cold.
- Well, there you go.
- So have you now.
I didn't realise you had
a blocked nose, allow me.
HE SNIFFS
Orange.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There are so many exfoliating creams
that have orange or citrus in.
None of them are an
actual orange, though.
You know, I've seen shampoos
with coconut in
but I've never actually washed
my hair just with a coconut.
DAVID: That would be exfoliating
though, wouldn't it?
The outside of a coconut.
Absolutely. You could
draw blood with that.
My question here,
what you're going to get then
is orange juice on your face.
But I would say, if I dirtied
my face with orange juice,
I would need something like soap
in order to wash the orange juice
properly off, otherwise I'd be
going out into the world,
essentially, with
a soft drink on my face.
OK. Does this ring any bells
with you, Carol?
No, I know obviously there
are things where... You know,
that things are scented with citrus
oils and all of that kind of thing.
Never heard of oranges.
RHOD: Carol, cut to the chase,
a wet orange peel is no exfoliator.
No. It's not.
RHOD: I will live and die by
that statement.
You know, what it does,
is it gets all the...
- No, it doesn't. - It does.
So we think it's a lie?
Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
OK, going to say lie. Kelly Hoppen,
were you telling the truth then or
were you telling a lie?
It is a...
lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Kelly doesn't wash with an orange
rather than a flannel or a sponge.
Rhod Gilbert, your turn.
I once had a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage.
LAUGHTER
Can I check if this is a euphemism?
But seriously, how old were you,
roughly? I don't mean go,
GROWLING: "Oh, 17."
- 38. - 38, oh, so it's quite recent.
- Only 38 when it happened? - Yeah.
You're 38, right, you're in France.
Where was the garage?
- France! - Whereabouts in France?
- Northern France.
- Whereabouts in Northern France?
- Brittany.
In Brittany. So you
ended up in Brittany?
- Southern Brittany.
- Southern Brittany and you...
The northern end of
southern Brittany.
Oh, that's just south
of mid Brittany, isn't it?
- I know it well. - Mid Brittany.
HAL: What was the name of the
town that you were in?
The town where I stayed in
the Frenchman's garage...
Was?
- Vannes. - You were in the van
in the garage, right.
The town...
Is this how this mix-up happened?
"I want a holiday in a van."
Rhod, Rhod. Let me speak to you as
another Welshman.
- Maybe he'll understand me.
- LAUGHTER
Ask me a nice specific question.
Did you book a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage?
No. I once HAD a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage.
When you arrived in the village
or town called Vannes...
Yeah, Vannes, yeah.
- Did you already know you would be
staying in a garage? - No.
Were all the hotels booked?
- No. We thought it looked
nice in the brochure. - Who did?
- Me and my partner.
- Partner? - Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend. - Now wife.
Blimey, that was a quick ten
seconds, wasn't it?
OK, so you were going to Vannes.
- We went to Vannes. - Right.
- Went to a tourist information place.
- Because you hadn't booked anywhere.
- We hadn't booked. - I'm with you.
What happened at the
tourist information?
They said, "What about this place?"
And we said, "That looks nice."
A house with a nice pool,
looked nice in the picture,
so we went there.
And when you got there...?
It was a garage.
The house was nice
but we were in the garage.
Was the garage decked out
to look like a room
or was it just spanners and...?
It looked like a room with
a canoe on the side and a fuse box.
- Am I old before my time but... - Yes.
- ..at 38, you don't go on a crazy...
"Not going to book where we're
going." At 38 you want to
know where you're going.
- I'm with you, Hal.
- Get a nice comfy room.
You know, if this is true,
you totally deserve what
happened to you.
I didn't say I didn't enjoy it.
So it was a deliberate
rough and tumble.
No, it was a disaster.
- How long did you stay for
in the garage? - Two weeks.
You stayed for two weeks?!
How much did you pay?
It was very reasonable.
I'm not surprised. Did it have any
windows in the garage?
- No. - And you said there was
a swimming pool?
Yeah, they had a swimming pool.
- You were allowed to use it? - No.
I can't help thinking that
what you're describing
is more of a hostage scenario.
And what about Mrs Gilbert,
she wasn't Mrs Gilbert then,
but how did she react? Because
she's looking at you, Rhod,
a tall, strapping,
handsome Welshman.
What everyone dreams of.
And you've whisked her there.
Was there not a little part
of her that died that day
when she saw what you expected
her to put up with?
She wasn't very well,
if I remember rightly.
Was it carbon monoxide
or exhaust fumes?
All right, Lee. It's a complex tale.
What do your team think?
Absolute lie. You say lie.
Absolutely. Really? Mm hmm.
Based on just the floundering?
Absolutely everything.
Like what?
All right, it did have windows.
What are you thinking, Hal?
It's like he's throwing in things
that seem so ridiculous.
No, but nobody would go
and stay in a garage without windows.
They wouldn't.
You're Kelly Hoppen though, Kelly.
He's Rhod Gilbert.
OK, what's it going to be, Lee?
Truth or lie?
Lie. Lie? Lie. Lie.
I think it's true but I'll go
with my team and say it's a lie.
You're going to say lie.
OK, Rhod, garage holiday in France.
- Truth or lie? - Holiday in the
Frenchman's garage in Vannes,
- true.
- APPLAUSE
Yes. It was all true.
Rhod did once have a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage.
Our next round is called This Is My
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Gary.
APPLAUSE
So, Kelly, what is Gary to you?
This is Gary
and he's a feng shui expert,
and in order to improve the flow,
the energy flow in my home,
he advised me to get
rid of my cat litter tray.
Hal, how do you know Gary?
Well, this is Gary.
Last year, I kicked a football
through my kitchen window
and Gary agreed to take the blame.
And Lee, your relationship
with Gary.
This is Gary.
Together we were involved
in a low-speed pedalo chase...
DAVID LAUGHS
..when a Spaniard had nicked
Gary's towel.
OK, there we have it.
Kelly's feng shui friend,
Hal's football fall guy
or Lee's pedalo pal.
David, where do you want to start?
OK. Kelly what was it about the
cat being able to crap anywhere
that would improve the
feng shui of your house?
Well, no, the whole thing
about feng shui
is that it's all about
energy lines in your home.
So, for example,
if you have a drain...
Like where the sockets go?
- Well, no, like drains will,
will mean...
- LAUGHTER
So if you've a drain in a home,
you're losing energy.
And where my litter tray was,
was really my...
- RHOD: It was your litter tray?
- No, my cat's litter tray.
You have all these areas in a home.
I'm not a feng shui specialist,
which is why I got Gary in,
so he explained it to me
and he said,
"You really need to move
your litter tray
"because where it's placed
is in your wealth corner."
When he first turned up
was his opening line,
"Are you a feng shui expert?"
And you said no.
Did he go, "Good."
LAUGHTER
- So it was in your wealth corner.
- Yes.
- So your cat was crapping
on your money. - Yeah.
So yeah, what do you put there?
If it's inappropriate for
a cat litter tray?
You need to put a crystal or
something that enhances the area,
rather than a cat litter tray where
a cat is going to pee in the corner.
Well, exactly. The difference between
a crystal and a cat litter tray
is that one thing has a purpose
and the other thing is some tat
that you should throw out.
APPLAUSE
What bits of the room...
There's a wealth corner,
what other corners are there
that you're not allowed
to put anything actually useful?
Well, there's wealth
and there's clarity...
- Clarity is for the red wine.
- Yes.
What... Was anything else wrong
with how you had your house?
No, actually everything else
was really good. I mean.
RHOD: What, that was it?
How much did you pay him for that?
Well, no, no.
He just moved the litter tray
and went, "There you go.
- "There, job done."
- No, no, no.
- "Eight grand, please." - No.
Did he move the
cat litter tray and go,
"That should help the wealth corner.
Well, certainly mine, anyway."
What problems were occurring
then for you
to get the feng shui expert, Gary.
No there wasn't any problems,
I just believe in it
- and I work a lot in Asia.
- What was his name again?
- Gary. - Oh, yeah.
I work a lot in Asia and we use
a lot of feng shui consultants
when we build houses in Asia
and this is an ancient philosophy,
so I can understand that you don't
understand it, if you haven't read,
if you haven't read about it and it
is all about balancing out a home.
It's like your body,
if you have reflexology...
Sorry, can I just confirm to Rhod,
in case he's not sure.
- She's patronising you. - I'm not.
- LAUGHTER
I'm perfectly happy with that.
Did it have seem to have any effect?
Absolutely, that particular space,
it was a wealth corner,
and it shouldn't have had a litter
tray, it needed crystals there.
So where did you put
the litter tray?
- I got rid of the cat. - Oh, my God.
AUDIENCE GASP
I didn't really, I'm only joking.
I love the way the whole
audience went, "Oh, my God!"
This is so Britain, isn't it?
Except the one French person going,
"Zat is perfectly logical."
- No, I didn't.
- APPLAUSE
So, Hal, just say what
you said again.
Last year I kicked a football
through my kitchen window
and Gary agreed to take
the blame for it.
- CAROL: - Hang on,
you kicked a football?
Yes.
It is a very, very rare event.
Hal, can I ask you how you
know Gary? What the connection is?
- We're, both our kids
that are at the same school. - Right.
- Well, that's certainly plausible.
- It is plausible.
Many schools have more than
one child at them.
So there you were, in the garden,
playing football.
They'd come over anyway
cos we're friends. So we were
playing football in the garden
and my wife had already made a
comment about, "Oh, messing about.
"Don't break the window." And then,
we ended up messing about, and yeah.
And you kicked the ball
and it went through the window.
Yes.
And what did you do then?
So it's smash, tinkle...
Beat.
I just went a bit, "Oh, no!
Did it again."
"Oh, no! My wife is
going to kill me.
"She wasn't joking on any level.
"This could be it for my marriage."
So you said,
"This is terrible.
"She's going to be really angry."
He... What did he say?
He offered to take the blame. He
said, "I'll take the blame for it."
Because he's a bit more of a
sort of, what's the word?
Scallywag type character.
I don't understand
this modern street talk.
Did you say to her,
"Gary's got something to say to you"?
"Dear, oh dear, Gary."
Did you say... No. "Darling,
"I said to Gary, I'd take the
blame but you know."
- Right, what about Lee? - Yeah, Lee.
Can you just remind us first of all,
what was it you said?
This is Gary and we were involved
together in a low-speed pedalo chase
after a Spaniard
nicked Gary's towel.
Describe the scenario of the theft.
Where were you and Gary and where
did the Spaniard come from?
Spain.
- We were on a beach.
- In Spain? - Not in Spain.
So he'd come a long way,
this assailant.
He'd obviously heard
about a valuable towel.
He was an international towel thief.
Well, any of those options or
possibly he was on holiday.
And so, Lee...
- Yes, that's my Chinese name.
- So what happened?
I was... I was... I was on the beach
and we decided to go,
as two young, strapping men do,
for a pedalo ride.
Had you known each other
long by that point?
No, I was strolling lonely
on the beach...
..and I saw a young gentleman
in some tight shorts
and I thought,
"Hello, fancy a pedalo ride?"
And luckily he was available.
He's one of your old buddies then.
We were on holiday together, yeah.
So how long ago was this?
I was about 20.
And so you decided to hire a pedalo.
Yes. We decided to rent out
a pedalo and go into the sea.
So that's what we do.
We go out on to the pedalo
and we start to pedal
and oh. It's great.
And it's at this point that
you saw the Spaniard?
So then we're sort of coming back
to shore, right.
DAVID: You've done a bit of a loop.
I'm literally doing the action now
with my feet, I'm there.
Looks like the three of you are on
jet skis from here to be honest.
LAUGHTER
So we're pedaloing and as we're
pedalling, we see a gentleman
who's renting out... He's in the
process of renting out the pedalo
and we sort of see him walk back,
suddenly grab Gary's towel,
and he puts it on the pedalo, on his
girlfriend's seat and off he goes.
So what do we do?
You give chase. We give chase.
So you pulled up alongside
him in your pedalo
and you said, "Excuse me."
Yeah, I wound the window down
and I said...
No, I just said, "Excuse me..."
Why didn't Gary? I realise he's mute
tonight for a reason but...
Cos he was keeping his eye
on the road and I was....
So you say excuse me and he said...?
Que?
So I had to do the thing...
I had to mime it.
I sort of went...
I said, "You...Erm.
"Er...and then you..."
HE WHISTLES
So he sort of mimed, "I'm sorry."
And handed the girl to us and
we went, "No, no, no.
"You've got it all wrong."
Anyway, that's how I met
my wife and that's...
And that's the truth.
All right, so we need an answer.
David's team.
Is Gary Kelly's feng shui friend,
Hal's football fall guy
or Lee's pedalo pal?
Where do you want to start?
I'm very confused.
Is feng shui...?
I thought it was about,
"Don't have the sofa there,
move it out a bit more diagonally
"and that's a bit more
Chinese and cool."
But I didn't think
it involved crystals.
I thought that was a totally
different form of charlatanism,
I mean...
Eastern science.
We don't think it's...
We don't think it is.
You don't think it's Kelly.
I can't see Lee going on a holiday
just with one other guy as well.
- No, I can't. - A group of guys
in their 20s, fair enough,
but two 20-year-old boys. No.
And what about Hal?
Hal. Well, I think that
sounds very plausible.
Except the children bit.
LAUGHTER
Are you saying
I don't have children?
I think Hal does have children.
You don't have children,
do you, Rhod?
I don't have children.
No. 2-0.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, what are you going
to say, David?
- Hal. - You think it's Hal.
Kelly. You think it's Kelly now.
We're going to say...
We're going to say Hal.
- You're going to say Hal. - Yeah.
OK, Gary, would you please
reveal your true identity.
My name is Gary
and I advised Kelly.
Yes.
APPLAUSE
LEE: Can I just... Rob, sorry,
can I ask a question?
Just before we move on,
too quickly, Gary,
David would like to explain to you
why the whole thing's a
crock of rubbish.
LAUGHTER
Yes, Gary is Kelly's
feng shui friend
and has had to endure
a dreadful five minutes.
- Thank you very much, Gary.
- Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies and we start with...
- Carol. - OK.
I used to have a job in a
safari park gift shop
and regularly shared my bed
with a lion cub.
Ah. Lee Mack's team.
What year was this?
Or what rough year,
I don't need the exact year.
Is that your opening question, Lee?
What year was this?
I don't need the exact year.
Well, I didn't want to embarrass
Carol in case she said,
you know, "It was when I was 18
"in 1642."
LAUGHTER
I'll just say give me the decade.
It was, it was in the mid-70s.
So mid-70s and you worked
in a safari park.
I worked in a safari park gift shop.
Which safari park?
Windsor.
I lived in the safari park at
the time. I lived in the safari park
at the time... You didn't.
..with my sister.
- But how could you live there?
- Whoa, whoa, sorry? And she's human?
LAUGHTER
She had a house in the safari park.
Is it because she was connected
with the safari park at the time?
Did they build round her?
Did she buy it when it was just
in a field and then one morning...
One morning, she's lying there
and she heard this...
HE GROWLS
She lived in the safari park
with her husband
who worked with the animals.
Has he got a name, the husband?
Francis. Right.
He would bring home
the little babies
- who'd been rejected by their mothers.
- Don't, you're going to make me go.
So I went there one summer
and there was a penguin in the bath
and a lion cub in my bed.
So I slept with the lion cub
for the summer.
Carol, nothing happened, did it?
LAUGHTER
It did. No, it did.
Oh, God.
No, it only happened
when my mum came down from Wales.
And she walked into
the bedroom and screamed.
- I bet she did.
- As she saw me in bed with a lion cub.
How big is the cub?
Are we talking like very young?
Well, when I go there,
it was that big. Oh, yeah.
It was that big by the
time she'd finished.
LAUGHTER
Did you sleep with any other animals
while you were there?
- No, it's a genuine question.
- No, I had a bath with a penguin.
- You didn't? - Obviously.
Was he in the bath
and you got in unsolicited or?
- No, he was in the bath... - He was
already in there. - ..in cold water.
- Right. - So I had to get the penguin
out of the cold water and...
Did you p-p-p-p-pick up
that penguin?
LAUGHTER
So what are you thinking, Lee?
I don't know. What do we think?
I think it could be true.
HAL: Yeah, it's so ridiculous
but she's so convincing.
When you say...?
I wish she was on our team. Sorry!
No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
So, Lee, what's it going to be?
Truth or a lie?
- You're saying? - I think it's true.
- True. You're saying?
Oh, I'll go true,
I'm...I'm malleable. Yeah, true.
- You're saying true?
- Yeah, true.
OK. Carol Vorderman,
lion cub in the bed, truth or lie?
True.
- APPLAUSE
Wow. - See. - Wow.
Yes, it's true.
Carol did used to share her
bed with a lion cub.
Next up,
it's David.
Whenever I see my postman, Roy,
he shouts, "Oggy, oggy, oggy"...
LAUGHTER
..and won't move on
until I have replied,
"Roy, Roy, Roy."
LAUGHTER
Does he only do this
when he's at your door
or if you pass him in the street?
It's whenever I see him.
Whenever you see him.
Yeah. So obviously I try
and avoid him.
Is he a very friendly postman?
He is friendly but...
What's his name?
He's, his name is, erm...
Oggy. No, Roy!
LAUGHTER
Talk us through the very
first time this happened.
Well, I... er, he rang the doorbell
because it was a recorded
delivery thing.
What was it? What was it?
I don't know, I wasn't there.
LAUGHTER
Do you remember? I only sleep over
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
I can't... I can't
remember what it was.
Right. OK, so he's rang the doorbell
and then what happens?
I'm not in. So...
LAUGHTER
A very handy answer.
On another occasion,
on a different delivery, I am.
I open the door.
Why has he not knocked?
Before I'd rung the...
He'd rung the bell.
Yeah. No, or did I ring the bell?
No, it must have been him.
Before he'd rung the bell,
I hadn't met him.
So he rang the bell. Yes.
Right, I answered the door.
Right, and...?
You know, I signed for the thing,
he says, "Oh, are you...?
"You're off the telly, aren't you?"
I say, "Yes."
So he says, "You're on the telly."
Yeah, and I say,
"I must be hallucinating.
"It seems like I'm on the doorstep."
I say, "Yes," and he goes,
"Oh, nice to meet you."
Nice to meet...me.
Great moment, great moment.
Anyway, the next time I see him,
it's out on the street.
Oh, I see, so this is a different
time now completely. Right.
Now you just bump into him.
And now he goes, "Oh..."
He goes initially, "Oh, hello."
Then he goes...
"Oggy, oggy, oggy." Wow. And then
goes, you know, like...
and I've remembered his name
is Roy and I go, "Ha..."
And he says, "So, Roy, Roy..."
He makes me. He goes,
"Roy, Roy, Roy?"
Like in a questioning way.
And I go, "Ha-ha, yeah.
Roy, Roy, Roy!"
Does he do it to everyone?
I don't think he does it to everyone.
Actually, much as I... I'm
a funny person. I mean peculiar.
I don't, you know, ha-ha,
I'm not saying.
It's not up to me to say.
But I'm a peculiar person
in that I hate this
but I would be hurt if I thought
he did it with everyone.
Tell us about the second time
it happened.
Erm...I can't really remember
the second...
You would definitely have remembered
the second time, David.
It's awkward.
So that won't, that won't wash.
Talk us through the second
incident now!
OK. I remember it as
if it were yesterday.
I am walking out of my...
Out of the front gate. Right.
Quite early in the morning.
He's right up the top of the road
- on the corner, coming round... - With
his trolley. - ..with his trolley.
- Tell you what, I'll be the postman.
- OK. - OK?
- I'm walking. - OK. - All right.
Is that a Zimmer frame?
It's my trolley.
I think you know it is.
Rob, you'd be whistling I think.
I was about to whistle.
Now I'm coming out
of the front door,
slamming the front door,
walking along.
ROB WHISTLES
- Oggy, oggy, oggy! - Hi.
LAUGHTER
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
Roy.
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
PAINED: Roy, Roy, Roy.
APPLAUSE
- So, what are you thinking?
- I really haven't got a clue
- but I... - I think it's a lie.
- ..suspect it's an absolute lie.
- It's got to be, hasn't it?
- Definitely.
Yeah, I think it's a lie. A lie.
OK. David, truth or lie?
It is...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
David's postman doesn't shout "Oggy,
oggy, oggy," when he sees him.
- BUZZER
- Oh, that noise signals time is up.
- It's the end of the show
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Kelly Hoppen.
Yes, Kelly Hoppen, the last time a
woman deceived me that well
she had big hands and
an Adam's apple. Good night.
Would I Lie To You,
the show that sorts the facts
from the fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a TV presenter who effortlessly
mixes brains and beauty,
like a sort of female Rob Brydon.
It's Carol Vorderman.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian from Wales,
so like all Welshmen,
he's just happy to be indoors and
out of the rain. It's Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
an interior designer who was
recently hired by the Beckhams.
It was an easy job.
Victoria has a tiny interior
and David hasn't got much upstairs.
- It's Kelly Hoppen.
- APPLAUSE
And the thinking woman's comedian,
if that woman is thinking,
"God, what was I thinking?"
- It's Hal Cruttenden.
- APPLAUSE
We begin of course with Round One.
It's Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
- Kelly, you're first. - OK.
Rather than use a flannel
or a sponge,
I wash with an orange.
LAUGHTER
David's team, what do you think?
How do you, how do you...?
CAROL LAUGHS
How do you use the orange?
Well, I mean, you know,
citrus fruits are...
LAUGHTER
Instinctively, I think Carol
doesn't believe you.
Either that or she's completely...
Look, I mean, citrus fruits are
known to be very good for your skin.
So if you cut an orange in half
and you use it on your face,
the citrus goes into your pores.
RHOD: Ah. Do you use
both halves, like that?
Absolutely.
- Saves time that, doesn't it? - Yeah.
Then you wash it off with water,
just with your hands
and then the best bit is to then
take the other side of the orange
and buff your skin.
Oh. I tell you what, this is
a northern man's nightmare.
Washing AND fruit.
- I mean I'm 73...
- LAUGHTER
..and honestly, it's fantastic
and you smell so fabulous.
RHOD: Can I, er... Can I come
over and have a smell?
Oh, the old Welsh chat-up line.
LAUGHTER
I should be able to smell it, yeah?
I should be able to smell.
LAUGHTER
The best evidence is before
she started doing this,
she used to have black hair.
I didn't smell any orange.
Did you not? No.
You told me earlier today that
you had a stinking cold.
I have got a stinking cold.
- Well, there you go.
- So have you now.
I didn't realise you had
a blocked nose, allow me.
HE SNIFFS
Orange.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There are so many exfoliating creams
that have orange or citrus in.
None of them are an
actual orange, though.
You know, I've seen shampoos
with coconut in
but I've never actually washed
my hair just with a coconut.
DAVID: That would be exfoliating
though, wouldn't it?
The outside of a coconut.
Absolutely. You could
draw blood with that.
My question here,
what you're going to get then
is orange juice on your face.
But I would say, if I dirtied
my face with orange juice,
I would need something like soap
in order to wash the orange juice
properly off, otherwise I'd be
going out into the world,
essentially, with
a soft drink on my face.
OK. Does this ring any bells
with you, Carol?
No, I know obviously there
are things where... You know,
that things are scented with citrus
oils and all of that kind of thing.
Never heard of oranges.
RHOD: Carol, cut to the chase,
a wet orange peel is no exfoliator.
No. It's not.
RHOD: I will live and die by
that statement.
You know, what it does,
is it gets all the...
- No, it doesn't. - It does.
So we think it's a lie?
Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
OK, going to say lie. Kelly Hoppen,
were you telling the truth then or
were you telling a lie?
It is a...
lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Kelly doesn't wash with an orange
rather than a flannel or a sponge.
Rhod Gilbert, your turn.
I once had a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage.
LAUGHTER
Can I check if this is a euphemism?
But seriously, how old were you,
roughly? I don't mean go,
GROWLING: "Oh, 17."
- 38. - 38, oh, so it's quite recent.
- Only 38 when it happened? - Yeah.
You're 38, right, you're in France.
Where was the garage?
- France! - Whereabouts in France?
- Northern France.
- Whereabouts in Northern France?
- Brittany.
In Brittany. So you
ended up in Brittany?
- Southern Brittany.
- Southern Brittany and you...
The northern end of
southern Brittany.
Oh, that's just south
of mid Brittany, isn't it?
- I know it well. - Mid Brittany.
HAL: What was the name of the
town that you were in?
The town where I stayed in
the Frenchman's garage...
Was?
- Vannes. - You were in the van
in the garage, right.
The town...
Is this how this mix-up happened?
"I want a holiday in a van."
Rhod, Rhod. Let me speak to you as
another Welshman.
- Maybe he'll understand me.
- LAUGHTER
Ask me a nice specific question.
Did you book a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage?
No. I once HAD a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage.
When you arrived in the village
or town called Vannes...
Yeah, Vannes, yeah.
- Did you already know you would be
staying in a garage? - No.
Were all the hotels booked?
- No. We thought it looked
nice in the brochure. - Who did?
- Me and my partner.
- Partner? - Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend. - Now wife.
Blimey, that was a quick ten
seconds, wasn't it?
OK, so you were going to Vannes.
- We went to Vannes. - Right.
- Went to a tourist information place.
- Because you hadn't booked anywhere.
- We hadn't booked. - I'm with you.
What happened at the
tourist information?
They said, "What about this place?"
And we said, "That looks nice."
A house with a nice pool,
looked nice in the picture,
so we went there.
And when you got there...?
It was a garage.
The house was nice
but we were in the garage.
Was the garage decked out
to look like a room
or was it just spanners and...?
It looked like a room with
a canoe on the side and a fuse box.
- Am I old before my time but... - Yes.
- ..at 38, you don't go on a crazy...
"Not going to book where we're
going." At 38 you want to
know where you're going.
- I'm with you, Hal.
- Get a nice comfy room.
You know, if this is true,
you totally deserve what
happened to you.
I didn't say I didn't enjoy it.
So it was a deliberate
rough and tumble.
No, it was a disaster.
- How long did you stay for
in the garage? - Two weeks.
You stayed for two weeks?!
How much did you pay?
It was very reasonable.
I'm not surprised. Did it have any
windows in the garage?
- No. - And you said there was
a swimming pool?
Yeah, they had a swimming pool.
- You were allowed to use it? - No.
I can't help thinking that
what you're describing
is more of a hostage scenario.
And what about Mrs Gilbert,
she wasn't Mrs Gilbert then,
but how did she react? Because
she's looking at you, Rhod,
a tall, strapping,
handsome Welshman.
What everyone dreams of.
And you've whisked her there.
Was there not a little part
of her that died that day
when she saw what you expected
her to put up with?
She wasn't very well,
if I remember rightly.
Was it carbon monoxide
or exhaust fumes?
All right, Lee. It's a complex tale.
What do your team think?
Absolute lie. You say lie.
Absolutely. Really? Mm hmm.
Based on just the floundering?
Absolutely everything.
Like what?
All right, it did have windows.
What are you thinking, Hal?
It's like he's throwing in things
that seem so ridiculous.
No, but nobody would go
and stay in a garage without windows.
They wouldn't.
You're Kelly Hoppen though, Kelly.
He's Rhod Gilbert.
OK, what's it going to be, Lee?
Truth or lie?
Lie. Lie? Lie. Lie.
I think it's true but I'll go
with my team and say it's a lie.
You're going to say lie.
OK, Rhod, garage holiday in France.
- Truth or lie? - Holiday in the
Frenchman's garage in Vannes,
- true.
- APPLAUSE
Yes. It was all true.
Rhod did once have a holiday
in a Frenchman's garage.
Our next round is called This Is My
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Gary.
APPLAUSE
So, Kelly, what is Gary to you?
This is Gary
and he's a feng shui expert,
and in order to improve the flow,
the energy flow in my home,
he advised me to get
rid of my cat litter tray.
Hal, how do you know Gary?
Well, this is Gary.
Last year, I kicked a football
through my kitchen window
and Gary agreed to take the blame.
And Lee, your relationship
with Gary.
This is Gary.
Together we were involved
in a low-speed pedalo chase...
DAVID LAUGHS
..when a Spaniard had nicked
Gary's towel.
OK, there we have it.
Kelly's feng shui friend,
Hal's football fall guy
or Lee's pedalo pal.
David, where do you want to start?
OK. Kelly what was it about the
cat being able to crap anywhere
that would improve the
feng shui of your house?
Well, no, the whole thing
about feng shui
is that it's all about
energy lines in your home.
So, for example,
if you have a drain...
Like where the sockets go?
- Well, no, like drains will,
will mean...
- LAUGHTER
So if you've a drain in a home,
you're losing energy.
And where my litter tray was,
was really my...
- RHOD: It was your litter tray?
- No, my cat's litter tray.
You have all these areas in a home.
I'm not a feng shui specialist,
which is why I got Gary in,
so he explained it to me
and he said,
"You really need to move
your litter tray
"because where it's placed
is in your wealth corner."
When he first turned up
was his opening line,
"Are you a feng shui expert?"
And you said no.
Did he go, "Good."
LAUGHTER
- So it was in your wealth corner.
- Yes.
- So your cat was crapping
on your money. - Yeah.
So yeah, what do you put there?
If it's inappropriate for
a cat litter tray?
You need to put a crystal or
something that enhances the area,
rather than a cat litter tray where
a cat is going to pee in the corner.
Well, exactly. The difference between
a crystal and a cat litter tray
is that one thing has a purpose
and the other thing is some tat
that you should throw out.
APPLAUSE
What bits of the room...
There's a wealth corner,
what other corners are there
that you're not allowed
to put anything actually useful?
Well, there's wealth
and there's clarity...
- Clarity is for the red wine.
- Yes.
What... Was anything else wrong
with how you had your house?
No, actually everything else
was really good. I mean.
RHOD: What, that was it?
How much did you pay him for that?
Well, no, no.
He just moved the litter tray
and went, "There you go.
- "There, job done."
- No, no, no.
- "Eight grand, please." - No.
Did he move the
cat litter tray and go,
"That should help the wealth corner.
Well, certainly mine, anyway."
What problems were occurring
then for you
to get the feng shui expert, Gary.
No there wasn't any problems,
I just believe in it
- and I work a lot in Asia.
- What was his name again?
- Gary. - Oh, yeah.
I work a lot in Asia and we use
a lot of feng shui consultants
when we build houses in Asia
and this is an ancient philosophy,
so I can understand that you don't
understand it, if you haven't read,
if you haven't read about it and it
is all about balancing out a home.
It's like your body,
if you have reflexology...
Sorry, can I just confirm to Rhod,
in case he's not sure.
- She's patronising you. - I'm not.
- LAUGHTER
I'm perfectly happy with that.
Did it have seem to have any effect?
Absolutely, that particular space,
it was a wealth corner,
and it shouldn't have had a litter
tray, it needed crystals there.
So where did you put
the litter tray?
- I got rid of the cat. - Oh, my God.
AUDIENCE GASP
I didn't really, I'm only joking.
I love the way the whole
audience went, "Oh, my God!"
This is so Britain, isn't it?
Except the one French person going,
"Zat is perfectly logical."
- No, I didn't.
- APPLAUSE
So, Hal, just say what
you said again.
Last year I kicked a football
through my kitchen window
and Gary agreed to take
the blame for it.
- CAROL: - Hang on,
you kicked a football?
Yes.
It is a very, very rare event.
Hal, can I ask you how you
know Gary? What the connection is?
- We're, both our kids
that are at the same school. - Right.
- Well, that's certainly plausible.
- It is plausible.
Many schools have more than
one child at them.
So there you were, in the garden,
playing football.
They'd come over anyway
cos we're friends. So we were
playing football in the garden
and my wife had already made a
comment about, "Oh, messing about.
"Don't break the window." And then,
we ended up messing about, and yeah.
And you kicked the ball
and it went through the window.
Yes.
And what did you do then?
So it's smash, tinkle...
Beat.
I just went a bit, "Oh, no!
Did it again."
"Oh, no! My wife is
going to kill me.
"She wasn't joking on any level.
"This could be it for my marriage."
So you said,
"This is terrible.
"She's going to be really angry."
He... What did he say?
He offered to take the blame. He
said, "I'll take the blame for it."
Because he's a bit more of a
sort of, what's the word?
Scallywag type character.
I don't understand
this modern street talk.
Did you say to her,
"Gary's got something to say to you"?
"Dear, oh dear, Gary."
Did you say... No. "Darling,
"I said to Gary, I'd take the
blame but you know."
- Right, what about Lee? - Yeah, Lee.
Can you just remind us first of all,
what was it you said?
This is Gary and we were involved
together in a low-speed pedalo chase
after a Spaniard
nicked Gary's towel.
Describe the scenario of the theft.
Where were you and Gary and where
did the Spaniard come from?
Spain.
- We were on a beach.
- In Spain? - Not in Spain.
So he'd come a long way,
this assailant.
He'd obviously heard
about a valuable towel.
He was an international towel thief.
Well, any of those options or
possibly he was on holiday.
And so, Lee...
- Yes, that's my Chinese name.
- So what happened?
I was... I was... I was on the beach
and we decided to go,
as two young, strapping men do,
for a pedalo ride.
Had you known each other
long by that point?
No, I was strolling lonely
on the beach...
..and I saw a young gentleman
in some tight shorts
and I thought,
"Hello, fancy a pedalo ride?"
And luckily he was available.
He's one of your old buddies then.
We were on holiday together, yeah.
So how long ago was this?
I was about 20.
And so you decided to hire a pedalo.
Yes. We decided to rent out
a pedalo and go into the sea.
So that's what we do.
We go out on to the pedalo
and we start to pedal
and oh. It's great.
And it's at this point that
you saw the Spaniard?
So then we're sort of coming back
to shore, right.
DAVID: You've done a bit of a loop.
I'm literally doing the action now
with my feet, I'm there.
Looks like the three of you are on
jet skis from here to be honest.
LAUGHTER
So we're pedaloing and as we're
pedalling, we see a gentleman
who's renting out... He's in the
process of renting out the pedalo
and we sort of see him walk back,
suddenly grab Gary's towel,
and he puts it on the pedalo, on his
girlfriend's seat and off he goes.
So what do we do?
You give chase. We give chase.
So you pulled up alongside
him in your pedalo
and you said, "Excuse me."
Yeah, I wound the window down
and I said...
No, I just said, "Excuse me..."
Why didn't Gary? I realise he's mute
tonight for a reason but...
Cos he was keeping his eye
on the road and I was....
So you say excuse me and he said...?
Que?
So I had to do the thing...
I had to mime it.
I sort of went...
I said, "You...Erm.
"Er...and then you..."
HE WHISTLES
So he sort of mimed, "I'm sorry."
And handed the girl to us and
we went, "No, no, no.
"You've got it all wrong."
Anyway, that's how I met
my wife and that's...
And that's the truth.
All right, so we need an answer.
David's team.
Is Gary Kelly's feng shui friend,
Hal's football fall guy
or Lee's pedalo pal?
Where do you want to start?
I'm very confused.
Is feng shui...?
I thought it was about,
"Don't have the sofa there,
move it out a bit more diagonally
"and that's a bit more
Chinese and cool."
But I didn't think
it involved crystals.
I thought that was a totally
different form of charlatanism,
I mean...
Eastern science.
We don't think it's...
We don't think it is.
You don't think it's Kelly.
I can't see Lee going on a holiday
just with one other guy as well.
- No, I can't. - A group of guys
in their 20s, fair enough,
but two 20-year-old boys. No.
And what about Hal?
Hal. Well, I think that
sounds very plausible.
Except the children bit.
LAUGHTER
Are you saying
I don't have children?
I think Hal does have children.
You don't have children,
do you, Rhod?
I don't have children.
No. 2-0.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, what are you going
to say, David?
- Hal. - You think it's Hal.
Kelly. You think it's Kelly now.
We're going to say...
We're going to say Hal.
- You're going to say Hal. - Yeah.
OK, Gary, would you please
reveal your true identity.
My name is Gary
and I advised Kelly.
Yes.
APPLAUSE
LEE: Can I just... Rob, sorry,
can I ask a question?
Just before we move on,
too quickly, Gary,
David would like to explain to you
why the whole thing's a
crock of rubbish.
LAUGHTER
Yes, Gary is Kelly's
feng shui friend
and has had to endure
a dreadful five minutes.
- Thank you very much, Gary.
- Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies and we start with...
- Carol. - OK.
I used to have a job in a
safari park gift shop
and regularly shared my bed
with a lion cub.
Ah. Lee Mack's team.
What year was this?
Or what rough year,
I don't need the exact year.
Is that your opening question, Lee?
What year was this?
I don't need the exact year.
Well, I didn't want to embarrass
Carol in case she said,
you know, "It was when I was 18
"in 1642."
LAUGHTER
I'll just say give me the decade.
It was, it was in the mid-70s.
So mid-70s and you worked
in a safari park.
I worked in a safari park gift shop.
Which safari park?
Windsor.
I lived in the safari park at
the time. I lived in the safari park
at the time... You didn't.
..with my sister.
- But how could you live there?
- Whoa, whoa, sorry? And she's human?
LAUGHTER
She had a house in the safari park.
Is it because she was connected
with the safari park at the time?
Did they build round her?
Did she buy it when it was just
in a field and then one morning...
One morning, she's lying there
and she heard this...
HE GROWLS
She lived in the safari park
with her husband
who worked with the animals.
Has he got a name, the husband?
Francis. Right.
He would bring home
the little babies
- who'd been rejected by their mothers.
- Don't, you're going to make me go.
So I went there one summer
and there was a penguin in the bath
and a lion cub in my bed.
So I slept with the lion cub
for the summer.
Carol, nothing happened, did it?
LAUGHTER
It did. No, it did.
Oh, God.
No, it only happened
when my mum came down from Wales.
And she walked into
the bedroom and screamed.
- I bet she did.
- As she saw me in bed with a lion cub.
How big is the cub?
Are we talking like very young?
Well, when I go there,
it was that big. Oh, yeah.
It was that big by the
time she'd finished.
LAUGHTER
Did you sleep with any other animals
while you were there?
- No, it's a genuine question.
- No, I had a bath with a penguin.
- You didn't? - Obviously.
Was he in the bath
and you got in unsolicited or?
- No, he was in the bath... - He was
already in there. - ..in cold water.
- Right. - So I had to get the penguin
out of the cold water and...
Did you p-p-p-p-pick up
that penguin?
LAUGHTER
So what are you thinking, Lee?
I don't know. What do we think?
I think it could be true.
HAL: Yeah, it's so ridiculous
but she's so convincing.
When you say...?
I wish she was on our team. Sorry!
No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
So, Lee, what's it going to be?
Truth or a lie?
- You're saying? - I think it's true.
- True. You're saying?
Oh, I'll go true,
I'm...I'm malleable. Yeah, true.
- You're saying true?
- Yeah, true.
OK. Carol Vorderman,
lion cub in the bed, truth or lie?
True.
- APPLAUSE
Wow. - See. - Wow.
Yes, it's true.
Carol did used to share her
bed with a lion cub.
Next up,
it's David.
Whenever I see my postman, Roy,
he shouts, "Oggy, oggy, oggy"...
LAUGHTER
..and won't move on
until I have replied,
"Roy, Roy, Roy."
LAUGHTER
Does he only do this
when he's at your door
or if you pass him in the street?
It's whenever I see him.
Whenever you see him.
Yeah. So obviously I try
and avoid him.
Is he a very friendly postman?
He is friendly but...
What's his name?
He's, his name is, erm...
Oggy. No, Roy!
LAUGHTER
Talk us through the very
first time this happened.
Well, I... er, he rang the doorbell
because it was a recorded
delivery thing.
What was it? What was it?
I don't know, I wasn't there.
LAUGHTER
Do you remember? I only sleep over
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
I can't... I can't
remember what it was.
Right. OK, so he's rang the doorbell
and then what happens?
I'm not in. So...
LAUGHTER
A very handy answer.
On another occasion,
on a different delivery, I am.
I open the door.
Why has he not knocked?
Before I'd rung the...
He'd rung the bell.
Yeah. No, or did I ring the bell?
No, it must have been him.
Before he'd rung the bell,
I hadn't met him.
So he rang the bell. Yes.
Right, I answered the door.
Right, and...?
You know, I signed for the thing,
he says, "Oh, are you...?
"You're off the telly, aren't you?"
I say, "Yes."
So he says, "You're on the telly."
Yeah, and I say,
"I must be hallucinating.
"It seems like I'm on the doorstep."
I say, "Yes," and he goes,
"Oh, nice to meet you."
Nice to meet...me.
Great moment, great moment.
Anyway, the next time I see him,
it's out on the street.
Oh, I see, so this is a different
time now completely. Right.
Now you just bump into him.
And now he goes, "Oh..."
He goes initially, "Oh, hello."
Then he goes...
"Oggy, oggy, oggy." Wow. And then
goes, you know, like...
and I've remembered his name
is Roy and I go, "Ha..."
And he says, "So, Roy, Roy..."
He makes me. He goes,
"Roy, Roy, Roy?"
Like in a questioning way.
And I go, "Ha-ha, yeah.
Roy, Roy, Roy!"
Does he do it to everyone?
I don't think he does it to everyone.
Actually, much as I... I'm
a funny person. I mean peculiar.
I don't, you know, ha-ha,
I'm not saying.
It's not up to me to say.
But I'm a peculiar person
in that I hate this
but I would be hurt if I thought
he did it with everyone.
Tell us about the second time
it happened.
Erm...I can't really remember
the second...
You would definitely have remembered
the second time, David.
It's awkward.
So that won't, that won't wash.
Talk us through the second
incident now!
OK. I remember it as
if it were yesterday.
I am walking out of my...
Out of the front gate. Right.
Quite early in the morning.
He's right up the top of the road
- on the corner, coming round... - With
his trolley. - ..with his trolley.
- Tell you what, I'll be the postman.
- OK. - OK?
- I'm walking. - OK. - All right.
Is that a Zimmer frame?
It's my trolley.
I think you know it is.
Rob, you'd be whistling I think.
I was about to whistle.
Now I'm coming out
of the front door,
slamming the front door,
walking along.
ROB WHISTLES
- Oggy, oggy, oggy! - Hi.
LAUGHTER
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
Roy.
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
PAINED: Roy, Roy, Roy.
APPLAUSE
- So, what are you thinking?
- I really haven't got a clue
- but I... - I think it's a lie.
- ..suspect it's an absolute lie.
- It's got to be, hasn't it?
- Definitely.
Yeah, I think it's a lie. A lie.
OK. David, truth or lie?
It is...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
David's postman doesn't shout "Oggy,
oggy, oggy," when he sees him.
- BUZZER
- Oh, that noise signals time is up.
- It's the end of the show
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Kelly Hoppen.
Yes, Kelly Hoppen, the last time a
woman deceived me that well
she had big hands and
an Adam's apple. Good night.