Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Episode #8.1 - full transcript
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You,
the show with tall tales and
tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian who used to sell
furniture.
A shabby dresser, a knackered
tallboy, a leathery old pouf,
it didn't matter what people
shouted at him,
he carried on selling that
furniture. It's Micky Flanagan.
APPLAUSE
And a TV star who's most
famous for presenting the BBC News.
Reading autocue can be tricky,
you've got to make sure
you don't accidently wrong
the words say. It's Fiona Bruce.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team
tonight, a presenter
who last year came top of a poll for
TV's most irritating hair cut,
a decision still being contested by
Micky Flanagan's lawyers.
It's Claudia Winkleman.
APPLAUSE
And lock up your daughters, sisters,
mothers, aunts and grannies.
It's Steve Jones.
APPLAUSE
So we begin with Round One,
Home Truths
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card in
front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.
And it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Tonight, we start with Micky.
I once livened up
a lacklustre hen do
by taking my clothes off
for the ladies.
I don't know much about
religious cultures,
what is a lacklustre Hindu?
Hen do. Oh! There was a
misunderstanding.
Where were you?
I was in Minorca.
Yeah, there was a group of girls
sort of wandering round
a little bit, forlorn
like, you know...
Was it a restaurant, Micky?
A town square, a restaurant,
what was it?
It was in a sort of
restaurant-bar type thing.
I know what you mean.
You know with an outside area.
Who were you with?
I was with my now wife
and someone else's wife and you know.
LAUGHTER
I just went around asking
various wives if they cared
to spend time in Spain with me.
So what did you do again?
I could see the girl sort of walking
around tables, talking to men,
and then suddenly she came up to me
and said, "Oh, would you do a,
um, strip for us?"
And your now wife and your then wife
were like, go ahead?
My wife's a very open-minded person.
Hey, you don't have
to tell me about it.
LAUGHTER
So she said, would you do a strip?
To be honest with you,
I initially said no
and it was my wife who went,
you should do it.
Why?
Because I'm a great dancer.
Micky, is there any chance you could
give us some visual proof
because you just said
you're a great dancer.
If I could see a bit then
I may believe the story a bit more.
To be honest, I can't remember
what I did.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on!
Oh. I see your wife's in.
LAUGHTER
Peer group pressure.
Yeah, it's not a group really.
It's just one person
who shouted "come on" in
a TV recording.
It could spread though, David.
I've seen it spread.
So go on, Micky, so there
you were, in the restaurant,
your wife said, go on, Micky,
have a strip.
What happened next?
I, sort of, then had
to set the scene.
Set the scene?
Did you have props?
Not props but I knew I'd need
a stage and a pole.
What?
I don't think male strippers
have poles, do they?
Why not? A man can swing round
a pole, can't he?
I think you're thinking
of Morris dancers.
I told them to play
Keep Your Hat On, classic.
And I sort of just improvised
from there, really.
So just by complete coincidence,
they had the song you asked for?
Yeah, well, I went
and checked with the DJ.
What kind of restaurant was it?
I would say dubious.
I think the sort of restaurant where
there's a DJ and a pole,
you start to doubt
the quality of the paella.
And how much did you take off?
I sort of got to my pants and then
I could see across the restaurant
bar, diner, alfresco area,
my wife went to me...
HE MOUTHS
Even though ten minutes
earlier she'd said,
you should strip for them. They're
sad, they're having a rubbish time.
I said she was open-minded,
she's got standards.
No, she hasn't.
LAUGHTER
OK, I want to try and set this
scene. You're there,
the hen is there,
your two wives are there.
We're wondering, is he going
to do it, is he going to do it?
You scamper up to the DJ, you
have a word, and you say, hit it.
MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On
I think we've seen enough. We've
seen enough, we've seen enough.
Fiona, on behalf of the BBC, I offer
a full and profound apology.
Please don't press charges.
OK. What are you thinking, Lee?
Here's my problem, is I think that a
gang of girls who were on a hen
aren't lacklustre. If you've
already got on a plane,
you've committed, you're in,
you're on board.
But Claudia I would say,
that once I'd got over the slight
kind of..."Oh, my God,
"what's going on?" thing,
there was a moment,
when Micky put his knee
on my shoulder
and I thought,
this has gone from lacklustre...
to stellar.
Yeah.
Yeah, I fancy a pint of Stella
after that.
So, what are you thinking?
Ah, I don't know.
This is a tough one, because
there's something about Micky that
says he would do it.
CLAUDIA: Course he would.
This is not real. It's horribly
vague, it's all over the shop.
So you think it's a lie.
You think it's...?
I think it's totally true.
I'll go with true.
OK. Micky, truth or lie?
It is...
true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Micky did liven up a hen do
by taking his clothes off.
Steve, you're next.
I once saved P Diddy's life.
Erm, David. How?
Well, hang on, before we get there.
David. P Diddy.
LAUGHTER
Where does one begin?
A rapper, a singer, very popular
sells a lot of records.
Right.
We can have a look at a photo.
Here he is, take a look,
for viewers at home perhaps.
That's the man whose life I saved.
DAVID: Right.
FIONA: So, how did you do it?
Er, he was drowning and I saved him.
I jumped in and I saved him.
You were lucky he was drowning,
because you couldn't have saved him
from drowning if he'd been choking.
What was he drowning in?
Water.
OK, where was this? Where was this?
St Tropez.
Get you. You and P Diddy
in the sea in St Tropez.
Yes, indeed. So were you...you were
socialising with P Diddy beforehand,
you didn't just happen
to come across him.
Yeah, we were socialising.
We were on the same boat together.
Hang on a minute. Are you Welsh?
Yes, I'm a Welsh person.
Then I find this very hard
to believe.
OK. So why were you on this boat?
We have a mutual friend
who owns a boat.
What, you and P Diddy? Yes.
Derek Evans from Pontypridd.
LAUGHTER
Derek has been very close to
Diddy for some years now.
When was this? Five years ago.
Four or five years ago.
Four or five years, all right.
Why were you both in St Tropez
at the same time?
It was Cannes at the time.
And we just went there to party
and she said, one day, "Oh, P Diddy
"is joining us tomorrow."
And I was like, oh, cool.
And why did you get invited? Uh...
LAUGHTER
Harsh, bit harsh.
I'm friends with the lady who
owns the boat,
and her friend's with P Diddy, so.
Did he come on his own or did he
have some of his entourage with him?
He came with one giant body guard.
And so they get on the boat, him
and the body guard. Yep.
And then he goes for a swim or
does he fall off? They....
Or was he pushed?
We got pretty steaming that night
when he got on the boat,
it was a bit of a raucous party.
The next morning
he was a bit hung-over, I remember
him saying, "Yo, I'm hung-over."
And I was like, "Yeah. We all are."
Did he think your name was Yo?
Yeah, possibly.
He was hungry and I remember him
eating a big bowl of
pasta for lunch.
Then he was like, I'm going
to go for a dip.
And he jumped into the ocean.
I thought you said he couldn't swim.
Well, this is... OK, let me finish!
I'm sorry, as he dived, he went,
"Oh, I can't!"
"ARGH, I can't swim! I forgot!"
I've done that. Haven't you
done that?
Know what I mean? We've all done it.
Who's team are you on?
So was this wasn't a very
high boat then?
Well, it was like a speed boat that
was part of the bigger boat.
We took the smaller boat to go out
into the open ocean to swim.
So you took him further from
somewhere where he might be saved.
I'm not his father. I'm not like,
"P Diddy, can you swim?"
He just jumped in.
I think, if I was socialising
with a rap star,
I might not ask them whether
or not they can swim
before they go swimming. I think.
Oh, I would. You would.
Yeah, because if they jump in then
suddenly they're drowning
they'll start...
HE MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES
Start shooting it up, you know.
So you've got into a smaller boat.
He jumps off the smaller boat.
I didn't think much of it,
I turn around to look
how he's doing. I just glance.
It's P Diddy, you're going to look.
And he's got his hands
balled into fists
and he's kind of doing this.
That is a fatal error.
Hitting the water with clenched
fists and I thought he was
messing around.
Like he's trying to destroy the sea.
I couldn't work it out.
My nemesis!
LAUGHTER
So I jumped in,
I swam across to him,
and I'm like, "You're OK,
calm down." He's like, "Argh, help!"
and I grabbed him around his chest
like this and, kind of,
swam back to the boat and you know
got him on the ladder
and he said thanks.
And I was like, you're welcome,
P Diddy.
All right, so what are
you thinking, David?
This is the most ridiculous
story I've ever heard.
I think that is P Diddy, if he'd
have done anything that stupid
and you would have saved him
he'd have said to you,
"Nobody ever hears about this,
do you understand?"
The various rap stars whose lives
I've saved,
they've all sworn me to secrecy.
So David, truth or lie?
Well, I think we think it's a lie.
You're saying a lie. Steve Jones,
P Diddy, truth or lie?
It is...
true. No!
APPLAUSE
Good call. Not bad.
Our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Laura.
APPLAUSE
So, Fiona, what is Laura to you?
This is Laura, she fell asleep when
she came on the Antiques Roadshow
while an expert was
valuing her egg cups.
Micky, how do you know Laura?
This is Laura,
she owns my local chippy,
and she said if I got her
close to Steve,
she would give me free chips
for the rest of the year.
Finally, David, what's
your relationship with Laura?
This is Laura, she's the first woman
I ever bought flowers for.
I gave them to her to say sorry
for being sick on her floor.
So there we are.
Fiona's conked out collector,
Micky's chip shop chum,
or David's bouquet buddy.
Lee's team.
So, Micky. When was this incident?
It's not an incident.
It's built up over time because
I've been going in there
and Laura says to me, oh,
I've seen you on the TV
and we got chatting and
she's always going on about Steve.
"Do you ever work with Steve?"
And I was like, yes.
Oh, and this is coincidence?
He's young, good looking.
I'm like, thanks.
What's the name of the chip shop,
Micky? The Zappian. The what?
The Zappian. The Zappian. What does
that mean? The Zappian.
I don't know. Not everything
makes sense in the world.
All I know is, I used to live
very near you, as you know,
and I don't remember the....
Hence the court case.
Yes. I don't remember the
Zappian chip shop.
I sort of stumbled on it,
if anything.
It was sort of en route
because I would normally go
to the Cod Father,
as you know, in East Dulwich.
I prefer the new one,
the Cod Father II.
Set the scene and talk us
through the moment
when you knew you were going
to be on with Steve
and you had this thing to tell.
How did it go?
I come in with my little boy,
Friday night tradition,
we go and get fish and chips,
right, OK.
I know you see your boy
on a Friday night.
Yeah, but he, he finishes playing...
He finishes...
I get the tag removed for the
evening and go and pick him up.
I walk in, and I say to her,
I'm only on with that Steve Jones
that you always go on about, blah.
You know, roughly. We have a chat.
This is what... And she says...
She said, "Could you get me
on the show? I'd love to meet him."
And I said, "Yeah, I think
I can." Yeah.
I didn't run round there
and knock her up in the morning...
Well, that...
LAUGHTER
Micky. No-one doubts what you'll do
for a free bag of chips.
Laura, Laura, can you look,
look at me, Laura?
Laura's not allowed to speak, Steve.
No, she's not speaking, just
looking. She's not allowed.
She's not drowning, Steve.
You can't touch her.
She's not allowed to look at me?
No. She can look at you.
That's all I want. I'm not going
to speak to her.
That's how it always
starts, isn't it?
Now is this close enough?
FIONA: He wants to see if she looks
adoringly, doesn't he?
That's the thing.
She couldn't look any less
interested.
LAUGHTER
This lady does not care for me.
Not at all.
Not in the slightest. Nothing.
And yet...
You watch what happens now.
LAUGHTER
OK. Fiona, were you the person
interviewing her
when she fell asleep?
No, it was it was one of our experts,
Will Farmer, who's a
ceramics specialist,
and so he was the one
who was talking to her.
So you didn't witness this event.
This is something you
found out later.
No, no, I did witness it, because
I saw it on the monitor.
I waited to see what would happen,
because I thought it was
pretty funny.
Thought it was funny?
"I think this woman just died.
"She's going to be an antique soon."
You'd be surprised how often people
do fall asleep on the Roadshow,
because it's a very long day.
I wouldn't. Oh.
How many egg cups was it?
Well, I don't know how many
were in the entire collection,
but on the table were about a dozen.
Are... How... Sorry. Are you
sure...? How... Sorry.
You ask. No, no, please.
Did you...? How?
LAUGHTER
I promise you, right,
I won't do it again.
Claudia, have you got a question?
Yeah, I do. Um...
Nyah!
LAUGHTER
Did Laura immediately say, yes
I've fallen asleep?
Like, did she... Was she open
about it or did she wake up
and do that thing where, I think
I got away with this.
She kind of went like that...
How much?!
Tell me the period of time
from when you noticed her falling
asleep to when she woke up.
It was only it was only about 30
seconds probably, it's not that...
30 seconds?! That's a long time on
television, to have someone
falling asleep.
This didn't end up in the finished
show? It didn't.
And Laura was embarrassed? Because
I'm sorry, Laura. The egg cups
weren't interesting enough. Oh, dear.
OK, David, tell us your fact again
if you can remember it.
Well, she's the first woman
I ever bought flowers for
and it was to say sorry for being
sick on her floor. Right.
When was this?
I was a student, so it would have
been in the...the mid '90s.
Was it a party?
It was, sort of... There were
a group of people
had gone back to her room
after being at a bar...
David, just so you know,
that's called a party.
Well, no, no, well...
What I'm saying is,
invitations hadn't been issued.
Right. Right. You don't have to...
LAUGHTER
There's a gang of you,
you've gone back... Yeah.
You're drunk, at what
point do you throw up?
Are you on all fours?
Claudia, wait a minute,
we don't know if he was drunk or not,
he might have just... Were you drunk?
I was drunk. OK. Right.
So you get back to the room, you put
on some music, what do you do?
I, well... There was
definitely drinking. Yes.
I think there might have
been crisps. Right.
I'll tell you what,
all the clues are saying party.
It is looking that way, isn't it?
There was a brief...
a brief round of musical statues
but it didn't really...
No, I remember sitting on a sofa
and drinking,
and then...then it goes a bit...
And my memory fades slightly.
I think I might have fallen asleep.
Before that.
Dozed off, passed out.
And then suddenly,
you wake up and you think,
I'm not going to make it.
Do you ask for a bucket?
No, I didn't think
I was going to die.
I don't remember much.
I remember, I wake up,
I'm definitely going to be
sick in a minute
and I essentially have enough
time to lean forward.
Oh.
And, and then someone
produces a bin. Yes.
Sort of, I would say, 60% of the
way through the process.
And what about the flowers,
when did they come into it?
The next day.
I woke up the next day and felt
very hung-over, and quite guilty.
Did she clean it up, did she say?
Didn't ask. I think she cleaned
it up.
But I certainly... What
I didn't say is, here's some flowers
and if it's still festering there,
I'll go and clean it up now.
All right. We need an answer,
so, Lee's team. Is Laura...
I'm so confused.
..Fiona's conked out collector,
Micky's chip shop chum,
or David's bouquet buddy?
Who do you want to rule out? Micky!
You want to rule Micky out.
The Zappian that make...
What, who, what?
So you want to rule out
Micky for no other reason
than the name of the chip shop.
The other thing is,
I don't want to get pernickety,
but unless Micky has some magical
line to the producer who goes,
"Who's on?" three weeks in
advance...
I found out who I was with,
I think, today,
like, I don't think you know
that far.
To be honest with you, Claudia,
some people get booked
well in advance.
LAUGHTER
Was it just me?
I think I think she went to
university with David
and he threw up on her carpet.
STEVE: Mitchell's not vomiting on
people's carpets.
He's a class act, he doesn't
vomit on floors.
The one thing you can say about
vomit is that everyone's done it
including the Queen.
That is treason!
You conjuring up the image
in people's minds
of Her Majesty hunched over
the toilet bowl
heaving and heaving and heaving?
You disgust me.
Would it not...?
Her crown falling in.
Picking it out, giving it a rinse.
Right, so, Claudia, you're saying
David. You're saying? Micky.
Micky. We'll go with Micky.
OK, you're saying Micky.
Right, Micky. OK.
Right. Laura, would you please
reveal your true identity.
My name is Laura,
and David gave me flowers after
he was sick on the carpet.
Yes.
Laura is David's bouquet buddy.
Thank you, Laura.
Thank you very much.
Which brings us to our quick
fire round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Fiona.
I have a recurring dream in which
a monkey in silver hot pants
feeds me soup from a bowler hat. Oh.
Lee's team. Do you find
primates attractive?
It's that primates find me
attractive.
Well, we've seen that
with Micky earlier.
LAUGHTER
When was the first time you
had this dream?
I've been having this dream
since adolescence.
OK, what kind of monkey is it?
I don't know exactly what type.
It's a bit like a capuchin monkey,
it's quite small.
Are they the ones with the frothy
bit and the chocolate on the head?
How does the dream affect you?
When you wake from a night having
had this dream,
do you awake fulfilled, are you...
Are you a better... That's not what
I meant and you know that.
Do you wake in a good frame of mind
or are you troubled?
I am satisfied, I am sated,
I am replete.
Where are you in the dream when the
monkey's...feeding you, did you say?
What are you wearing?
I don't notice.
Yeah, what are you wearing?
I... No, that doesn't.
I never notice that, it doesn't
form part of the dream.
Do you think there's any amorous
connotations to this dream?
You've got the little
Kylie Minogue hot pants on,
probably why you can't get it
out of your head.
APPLAUSE
So what do you think?
Could this be true?
I think it's so brilliant,
but I think Fiona might just be
a fantastic liar.
She was very quick on her answers.
I think it was. True.
I think it's true. CLAUDIA: Let's go
true. We'll go with true.
OK, Fiona Bruce, truth or lie?
It is...
a lie.
Oh. You did it so well.
APPLAUSE
Yes, lie. Fiona doesn't have a
recurring dream
where a monkey in silver hot pants
feeds her soup from a bowler hat.
Next...
it's Lee.
Oh, possession.
Right. There should be a box
under your desk.
Would you first of all
read the card out
and then take the possession out
and pop it on the desk.
This is the set of keys
I carry around with me every day.
I know what every single one is for,
apart from one.
LAUGHTER
OK, pop the box back on the floor.
Just take us through the set
of keys, Lee.
In your own time, please don't feel
you have to rush.
It's not in his own time,
it's all of our time, really,
isn't it, but OK, carry on.
So, now, I've got three keys that
look very similar,
so I have to put those
little things on
to give you the different
colours. Yeah.
And these colours help me a lot
because that's for the blue
door, that's for the green door
and that's for the yellow door.
Now.
I'll never forget because the blue
door is blue,
the yellow door is yellow
and the green one is my next door
neighbour's, Shakin' Stevens, and...
What lies behind those doors?
That's my front door key.
And that's blue?
Which genuinely is a blue door,
my front door. OK.
The green one genuinely
is my next door neighbour's key
but it isn't Shakin' Stevens.
FIONA: Yep.
I'm not an idiot. It's Howard Jones.
And the yellow one...
the yellow one is, um,
the key for the door
at the back of the house.
Now this, this one that's... the
key for the front door
that the...bottom lock,
where, what do you call that?
Bolt. Bolt.
Yes, I wish I could.
LAUGHTER
This... This unusual looking key,
that's for the money chest.
The money chest.
That for a small tin,
that we keep some money in.
And some things that we don't
want the kids to see.
Why don't you want
the kids to see money
and what else don't you want the kids
to see? There's other things in it.
I don't mind the money, it's the
other things... Like what?
The remains.
OK, that's where you keep your money
and the remains of those
who you've killed.
Yes.
Then you've got PBU,
that's that one there.
What does PBU stand for?
PBU on the key ring? Yes.
It's the place...for bins,
you.
LAUGHTER
And, er, and it, it's
a little, um...
Just like that!
My... I... What happened...
He couldn't have made that up!
It's true.
We've got one of those outside
little shed things
you're supposed to put the bins in
to make it look tidy
and my wife constantly comes out and
says, "There's a place for
the bins, you!"
And to help me remember that's
the key, I put PBU on the thing.
So you give yourself
the job of remembering
the night before the bin men are
coming, to go out, unlock these
bins,
every time you go to put some
rubbish away, you unlock the bin.
No. This is, none of this...
Because the shed that the bins
are kept in doesn't have the lock.
The gate leading to the shed to put
the bins in has the lock.
What is going in these bins?
My wife basically thinks
more of the bins than me.
Then we've got this
little baby here.
Whoa ho, this tells a story.
This one is for the safe.
Ah. But the safe... Aha.
..bizarrely, it was already
in the house
and it's behind a picture,
how exciting.
The key has never fitted.
We never know what's in the safe.
Now, what is the picture
in front of the safe?
The picture in front of the safe?
Yeah. Oh, that picture.
The you know the safe that
doesn't exist?
There's a picture that doesn't
exist in front of it.
This is the thing...
What's it of?
It's a painting of your bins
that you had done.
This is the bit...
The bins that must never
be taken from the house.
This is the bit you're going
to find crazy.
It's a picture of the safe.
I know, I know, it's crazy.
It's absolutely crazy.
And this, David, is the
key to your heart.
It's not, that is to the
side passage.
And it's quite annoying to get
through the side passage
because I have to open
the gated community for the bins
and that takes me through to the
side passage which I open
and that's all the keys apart
from this one,
do you know what that
one's for, Fiona?
Nobody knows.
And how did you get that key?
That key was given to...
Right, this is the bit that's not
funny and I don't want any jokes.
My great grandfather
fought in the First World War
and he had a key round his neck,
and we don't know what the
key was for.
But it was passed on, he gave it to
his father, his father gave it to
his father....
He gave it to his father? So he
passed it on backwards in time?
No, sorry, no.
All I will say is, just in summary,
I'm not pitching it to you
because it is true, but if you don't
believe it, quite simply,
the story is simple,
what is there not to believe?
I come home, I make sure the side
gated community to the bins
are unlocked
so I can get the bins out,
leave them on a Tuesday,
and let them open the side passage,
get in, lock the side passage,
come through to the house, open the
safe by moving the picture,
I can't open the safe, I always
forget, I close the safe, I get
the tin, open it up,
move the eyeballs, get the money
out, close the tin, open the thing,
back inside, straight to the front
door, which is blue, go out,
feed Howard Jones' cat next door,
who I accidently said was
Shakin' Stevens.
What part of that are you telling me
is not true?
APPLAUSE
So what are you going to say, David?
What does your team think?
I think we're going
to say it's a lie.
Saying it's a lie. Lee.
Was it the truth or was it a lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Steve Jones.
Thank you.
Yes, who'd have thought it?
Wales' best-looking man
telling Steve Jones that he's the
liar of the week, good night.
Would I Lie To You,
the show with tall tales and
tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian who used to sell
furniture.
A shabby dresser, a knackered
tallboy, a leathery old pouf,
it didn't matter what people
shouted at him,
he carried on selling that
furniture. It's Micky Flanagan.
APPLAUSE
And a TV star who's most
famous for presenting the BBC News.
Reading autocue can be tricky,
you've got to make sure
you don't accidently wrong
the words say. It's Fiona Bruce.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team
tonight, a presenter
who last year came top of a poll for
TV's most irritating hair cut,
a decision still being contested by
Micky Flanagan's lawyers.
It's Claudia Winkleman.
APPLAUSE
And lock up your daughters, sisters,
mothers, aunts and grannies.
It's Steve Jones.
APPLAUSE
So we begin with Round One,
Home Truths
where our panellists each read out
a statement from the card in
front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.
And it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Tonight, we start with Micky.
I once livened up
a lacklustre hen do
by taking my clothes off
for the ladies.
I don't know much about
religious cultures,
what is a lacklustre Hindu?
Hen do. Oh! There was a
misunderstanding.
Where were you?
I was in Minorca.
Yeah, there was a group of girls
sort of wandering round
a little bit, forlorn
like, you know...
Was it a restaurant, Micky?
A town square, a restaurant,
what was it?
It was in a sort of
restaurant-bar type thing.
I know what you mean.
You know with an outside area.
Who were you with?
I was with my now wife
and someone else's wife and you know.
LAUGHTER
I just went around asking
various wives if they cared
to spend time in Spain with me.
So what did you do again?
I could see the girl sort of walking
around tables, talking to men,
and then suddenly she came up to me
and said, "Oh, would you do a,
um, strip for us?"
And your now wife and your then wife
were like, go ahead?
My wife's a very open-minded person.
Hey, you don't have
to tell me about it.
LAUGHTER
So she said, would you do a strip?
To be honest with you,
I initially said no
and it was my wife who went,
you should do it.
Why?
Because I'm a great dancer.
Micky, is there any chance you could
give us some visual proof
because you just said
you're a great dancer.
If I could see a bit then
I may believe the story a bit more.
To be honest, I can't remember
what I did.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on!
Oh. I see your wife's in.
LAUGHTER
Peer group pressure.
Yeah, it's not a group really.
It's just one person
who shouted "come on" in
a TV recording.
It could spread though, David.
I've seen it spread.
So go on, Micky, so there
you were, in the restaurant,
your wife said, go on, Micky,
have a strip.
What happened next?
I, sort of, then had
to set the scene.
Set the scene?
Did you have props?
Not props but I knew I'd need
a stage and a pole.
What?
I don't think male strippers
have poles, do they?
Why not? A man can swing round
a pole, can't he?
I think you're thinking
of Morris dancers.
I told them to play
Keep Your Hat On, classic.
And I sort of just improvised
from there, really.
So just by complete coincidence,
they had the song you asked for?
Yeah, well, I went
and checked with the DJ.
What kind of restaurant was it?
I would say dubious.
I think the sort of restaurant where
there's a DJ and a pole,
you start to doubt
the quality of the paella.
And how much did you take off?
I sort of got to my pants and then
I could see across the restaurant
bar, diner, alfresco area,
my wife went to me...
HE MOUTHS
Even though ten minutes
earlier she'd said,
you should strip for them. They're
sad, they're having a rubbish time.
I said she was open-minded,
she's got standards.
No, she hasn't.
LAUGHTER
OK, I want to try and set this
scene. You're there,
the hen is there,
your two wives are there.
We're wondering, is he going
to do it, is he going to do it?
You scamper up to the DJ, you
have a word, and you say, hit it.
MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On
I think we've seen enough. We've
seen enough, we've seen enough.
Fiona, on behalf of the BBC, I offer
a full and profound apology.
Please don't press charges.
OK. What are you thinking, Lee?
Here's my problem, is I think that a
gang of girls who were on a hen
aren't lacklustre. If you've
already got on a plane,
you've committed, you're in,
you're on board.
But Claudia I would say,
that once I'd got over the slight
kind of..."Oh, my God,
"what's going on?" thing,
there was a moment,
when Micky put his knee
on my shoulder
and I thought,
this has gone from lacklustre...
to stellar.
Yeah.
Yeah, I fancy a pint of Stella
after that.
So, what are you thinking?
Ah, I don't know.
This is a tough one, because
there's something about Micky that
says he would do it.
CLAUDIA: Course he would.
This is not real. It's horribly
vague, it's all over the shop.
So you think it's a lie.
You think it's...?
I think it's totally true.
I'll go with true.
OK. Micky, truth or lie?
It is...
true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Micky did liven up a hen do
by taking his clothes off.
Steve, you're next.
I once saved P Diddy's life.
Erm, David. How?
Well, hang on, before we get there.
David. P Diddy.
LAUGHTER
Where does one begin?
A rapper, a singer, very popular
sells a lot of records.
Right.
We can have a look at a photo.
Here he is, take a look,
for viewers at home perhaps.
That's the man whose life I saved.
DAVID: Right.
FIONA: So, how did you do it?
Er, he was drowning and I saved him.
I jumped in and I saved him.
You were lucky he was drowning,
because you couldn't have saved him
from drowning if he'd been choking.
What was he drowning in?
Water.
OK, where was this? Where was this?
St Tropez.
Get you. You and P Diddy
in the sea in St Tropez.
Yes, indeed. So were you...you were
socialising with P Diddy beforehand,
you didn't just happen
to come across him.
Yeah, we were socialising.
We were on the same boat together.
Hang on a minute. Are you Welsh?
Yes, I'm a Welsh person.
Then I find this very hard
to believe.
OK. So why were you on this boat?
We have a mutual friend
who owns a boat.
What, you and P Diddy? Yes.
Derek Evans from Pontypridd.
LAUGHTER
Derek has been very close to
Diddy for some years now.
When was this? Five years ago.
Four or five years ago.
Four or five years, all right.
Why were you both in St Tropez
at the same time?
It was Cannes at the time.
And we just went there to party
and she said, one day, "Oh, P Diddy
"is joining us tomorrow."
And I was like, oh, cool.
And why did you get invited? Uh...
LAUGHTER
Harsh, bit harsh.
I'm friends with the lady who
owns the boat,
and her friend's with P Diddy, so.
Did he come on his own or did he
have some of his entourage with him?
He came with one giant body guard.
And so they get on the boat, him
and the body guard. Yep.
And then he goes for a swim or
does he fall off? They....
Or was he pushed?
We got pretty steaming that night
when he got on the boat,
it was a bit of a raucous party.
The next morning
he was a bit hung-over, I remember
him saying, "Yo, I'm hung-over."
And I was like, "Yeah. We all are."
Did he think your name was Yo?
Yeah, possibly.
He was hungry and I remember him
eating a big bowl of
pasta for lunch.
Then he was like, I'm going
to go for a dip.
And he jumped into the ocean.
I thought you said he couldn't swim.
Well, this is... OK, let me finish!
I'm sorry, as he dived, he went,
"Oh, I can't!"
"ARGH, I can't swim! I forgot!"
I've done that. Haven't you
done that?
Know what I mean? We've all done it.
Who's team are you on?
So was this wasn't a very
high boat then?
Well, it was like a speed boat that
was part of the bigger boat.
We took the smaller boat to go out
into the open ocean to swim.
So you took him further from
somewhere where he might be saved.
I'm not his father. I'm not like,
"P Diddy, can you swim?"
He just jumped in.
I think, if I was socialising
with a rap star,
I might not ask them whether
or not they can swim
before they go swimming. I think.
Oh, I would. You would.
Yeah, because if they jump in then
suddenly they're drowning
they'll start...
HE MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES
Start shooting it up, you know.
So you've got into a smaller boat.
He jumps off the smaller boat.
I didn't think much of it,
I turn around to look
how he's doing. I just glance.
It's P Diddy, you're going to look.
And he's got his hands
balled into fists
and he's kind of doing this.
That is a fatal error.
Hitting the water with clenched
fists and I thought he was
messing around.
Like he's trying to destroy the sea.
I couldn't work it out.
My nemesis!
LAUGHTER
So I jumped in,
I swam across to him,
and I'm like, "You're OK,
calm down." He's like, "Argh, help!"
and I grabbed him around his chest
like this and, kind of,
swam back to the boat and you know
got him on the ladder
and he said thanks.
And I was like, you're welcome,
P Diddy.
All right, so what are
you thinking, David?
This is the most ridiculous
story I've ever heard.
I think that is P Diddy, if he'd
have done anything that stupid
and you would have saved him
he'd have said to you,
"Nobody ever hears about this,
do you understand?"
The various rap stars whose lives
I've saved,
they've all sworn me to secrecy.
So David, truth or lie?
Well, I think we think it's a lie.
You're saying a lie. Steve Jones,
P Diddy, truth or lie?
It is...
true. No!
APPLAUSE
Good call. Not bad.
Our next round is called
This Is My...
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Laura.
APPLAUSE
So, Fiona, what is Laura to you?
This is Laura, she fell asleep when
she came on the Antiques Roadshow
while an expert was
valuing her egg cups.
Micky, how do you know Laura?
This is Laura,
she owns my local chippy,
and she said if I got her
close to Steve,
she would give me free chips
for the rest of the year.
Finally, David, what's
your relationship with Laura?
This is Laura, she's the first woman
I ever bought flowers for.
I gave them to her to say sorry
for being sick on her floor.
So there we are.
Fiona's conked out collector,
Micky's chip shop chum,
or David's bouquet buddy.
Lee's team.
So, Micky. When was this incident?
It's not an incident.
It's built up over time because
I've been going in there
and Laura says to me, oh,
I've seen you on the TV
and we got chatting and
she's always going on about Steve.
"Do you ever work with Steve?"
And I was like, yes.
Oh, and this is coincidence?
He's young, good looking.
I'm like, thanks.
What's the name of the chip shop,
Micky? The Zappian. The what?
The Zappian. The Zappian. What does
that mean? The Zappian.
I don't know. Not everything
makes sense in the world.
All I know is, I used to live
very near you, as you know,
and I don't remember the....
Hence the court case.
Yes. I don't remember the
Zappian chip shop.
I sort of stumbled on it,
if anything.
It was sort of en route
because I would normally go
to the Cod Father,
as you know, in East Dulwich.
I prefer the new one,
the Cod Father II.
Set the scene and talk us
through the moment
when you knew you were going
to be on with Steve
and you had this thing to tell.
How did it go?
I come in with my little boy,
Friday night tradition,
we go and get fish and chips,
right, OK.
I know you see your boy
on a Friday night.
Yeah, but he, he finishes playing...
He finishes...
I get the tag removed for the
evening and go and pick him up.
I walk in, and I say to her,
I'm only on with that Steve Jones
that you always go on about, blah.
You know, roughly. We have a chat.
This is what... And she says...
She said, "Could you get me
on the show? I'd love to meet him."
And I said, "Yeah, I think
I can." Yeah.
I didn't run round there
and knock her up in the morning...
Well, that...
LAUGHTER
Micky. No-one doubts what you'll do
for a free bag of chips.
Laura, Laura, can you look,
look at me, Laura?
Laura's not allowed to speak, Steve.
No, she's not speaking, just
looking. She's not allowed.
She's not drowning, Steve.
You can't touch her.
She's not allowed to look at me?
No. She can look at you.
That's all I want. I'm not going
to speak to her.
That's how it always
starts, isn't it?
Now is this close enough?
FIONA: He wants to see if she looks
adoringly, doesn't he?
That's the thing.
She couldn't look any less
interested.
LAUGHTER
This lady does not care for me.
Not at all.
Not in the slightest. Nothing.
And yet...
You watch what happens now.
LAUGHTER
OK. Fiona, were you the person
interviewing her
when she fell asleep?
No, it was it was one of our experts,
Will Farmer, who's a
ceramics specialist,
and so he was the one
who was talking to her.
So you didn't witness this event.
This is something you
found out later.
No, no, I did witness it, because
I saw it on the monitor.
I waited to see what would happen,
because I thought it was
pretty funny.
Thought it was funny?
"I think this woman just died.
"She's going to be an antique soon."
You'd be surprised how often people
do fall asleep on the Roadshow,
because it's a very long day.
I wouldn't. Oh.
How many egg cups was it?
Well, I don't know how many
were in the entire collection,
but on the table were about a dozen.
Are... How... Sorry. Are you
sure...? How... Sorry.
You ask. No, no, please.
Did you...? How?
LAUGHTER
I promise you, right,
I won't do it again.
Claudia, have you got a question?
Yeah, I do. Um...
Nyah!
LAUGHTER
Did Laura immediately say, yes
I've fallen asleep?
Like, did she... Was she open
about it or did she wake up
and do that thing where, I think
I got away with this.
She kind of went like that...
How much?!
Tell me the period of time
from when you noticed her falling
asleep to when she woke up.
It was only it was only about 30
seconds probably, it's not that...
30 seconds?! That's a long time on
television, to have someone
falling asleep.
This didn't end up in the finished
show? It didn't.
And Laura was embarrassed? Because
I'm sorry, Laura. The egg cups
weren't interesting enough. Oh, dear.
OK, David, tell us your fact again
if you can remember it.
Well, she's the first woman
I ever bought flowers for
and it was to say sorry for being
sick on her floor. Right.
When was this?
I was a student, so it would have
been in the...the mid '90s.
Was it a party?
It was, sort of... There were
a group of people
had gone back to her room
after being at a bar...
David, just so you know,
that's called a party.
Well, no, no, well...
What I'm saying is,
invitations hadn't been issued.
Right. Right. You don't have to...
LAUGHTER
There's a gang of you,
you've gone back... Yeah.
You're drunk, at what
point do you throw up?
Are you on all fours?
Claudia, wait a minute,
we don't know if he was drunk or not,
he might have just... Were you drunk?
I was drunk. OK. Right.
So you get back to the room, you put
on some music, what do you do?
I, well... There was
definitely drinking. Yes.
I think there might have
been crisps. Right.
I'll tell you what,
all the clues are saying party.
It is looking that way, isn't it?
There was a brief...
a brief round of musical statues
but it didn't really...
No, I remember sitting on a sofa
and drinking,
and then...then it goes a bit...
And my memory fades slightly.
I think I might have fallen asleep.
Before that.
Dozed off, passed out.
And then suddenly,
you wake up and you think,
I'm not going to make it.
Do you ask for a bucket?
No, I didn't think
I was going to die.
I don't remember much.
I remember, I wake up,
I'm definitely going to be
sick in a minute
and I essentially have enough
time to lean forward.
Oh.
And, and then someone
produces a bin. Yes.
Sort of, I would say, 60% of the
way through the process.
And what about the flowers,
when did they come into it?
The next day.
I woke up the next day and felt
very hung-over, and quite guilty.
Did she clean it up, did she say?
Didn't ask. I think she cleaned
it up.
But I certainly... What
I didn't say is, here's some flowers
and if it's still festering there,
I'll go and clean it up now.
All right. We need an answer,
so, Lee's team. Is Laura...
I'm so confused.
..Fiona's conked out collector,
Micky's chip shop chum,
or David's bouquet buddy?
Who do you want to rule out? Micky!
You want to rule Micky out.
The Zappian that make...
What, who, what?
So you want to rule out
Micky for no other reason
than the name of the chip shop.
The other thing is,
I don't want to get pernickety,
but unless Micky has some magical
line to the producer who goes,
"Who's on?" three weeks in
advance...
I found out who I was with,
I think, today,
like, I don't think you know
that far.
To be honest with you, Claudia,
some people get booked
well in advance.
LAUGHTER
Was it just me?
I think I think she went to
university with David
and he threw up on her carpet.
STEVE: Mitchell's not vomiting on
people's carpets.
He's a class act, he doesn't
vomit on floors.
The one thing you can say about
vomit is that everyone's done it
including the Queen.
That is treason!
You conjuring up the image
in people's minds
of Her Majesty hunched over
the toilet bowl
heaving and heaving and heaving?
You disgust me.
Would it not...?
Her crown falling in.
Picking it out, giving it a rinse.
Right, so, Claudia, you're saying
David. You're saying? Micky.
Micky. We'll go with Micky.
OK, you're saying Micky.
Right, Micky. OK.
Right. Laura, would you please
reveal your true identity.
My name is Laura,
and David gave me flowers after
he was sick on the carpet.
Yes.
Laura is David's bouquet buddy.
Thank you, Laura.
Thank you very much.
Which brings us to our quick
fire round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Fiona.
I have a recurring dream in which
a monkey in silver hot pants
feeds me soup from a bowler hat. Oh.
Lee's team. Do you find
primates attractive?
It's that primates find me
attractive.
Well, we've seen that
with Micky earlier.
LAUGHTER
When was the first time you
had this dream?
I've been having this dream
since adolescence.
OK, what kind of monkey is it?
I don't know exactly what type.
It's a bit like a capuchin monkey,
it's quite small.
Are they the ones with the frothy
bit and the chocolate on the head?
How does the dream affect you?
When you wake from a night having
had this dream,
do you awake fulfilled, are you...
Are you a better... That's not what
I meant and you know that.
Do you wake in a good frame of mind
or are you troubled?
I am satisfied, I am sated,
I am replete.
Where are you in the dream when the
monkey's...feeding you, did you say?
What are you wearing?
I don't notice.
Yeah, what are you wearing?
I... No, that doesn't.
I never notice that, it doesn't
form part of the dream.
Do you think there's any amorous
connotations to this dream?
You've got the little
Kylie Minogue hot pants on,
probably why you can't get it
out of your head.
APPLAUSE
So what do you think?
Could this be true?
I think it's so brilliant,
but I think Fiona might just be
a fantastic liar.
She was very quick on her answers.
I think it was. True.
I think it's true. CLAUDIA: Let's go
true. We'll go with true.
OK, Fiona Bruce, truth or lie?
It is...
a lie.
Oh. You did it so well.
APPLAUSE
Yes, lie. Fiona doesn't have a
recurring dream
where a monkey in silver hot pants
feeds her soup from a bowler hat.
Next...
it's Lee.
Oh, possession.
Right. There should be a box
under your desk.
Would you first of all
read the card out
and then take the possession out
and pop it on the desk.
This is the set of keys
I carry around with me every day.
I know what every single one is for,
apart from one.
LAUGHTER
OK, pop the box back on the floor.
Just take us through the set
of keys, Lee.
In your own time, please don't feel
you have to rush.
It's not in his own time,
it's all of our time, really,
isn't it, but OK, carry on.
So, now, I've got three keys that
look very similar,
so I have to put those
little things on
to give you the different
colours. Yeah.
And these colours help me a lot
because that's for the blue
door, that's for the green door
and that's for the yellow door.
Now.
I'll never forget because the blue
door is blue,
the yellow door is yellow
and the green one is my next door
neighbour's, Shakin' Stevens, and...
What lies behind those doors?
That's my front door key.
And that's blue?
Which genuinely is a blue door,
my front door. OK.
The green one genuinely
is my next door neighbour's key
but it isn't Shakin' Stevens.
FIONA: Yep.
I'm not an idiot. It's Howard Jones.
And the yellow one...
the yellow one is, um,
the key for the door
at the back of the house.
Now this, this one that's... the
key for the front door
that the...bottom lock,
where, what do you call that?
Bolt. Bolt.
Yes, I wish I could.
LAUGHTER
This... This unusual looking key,
that's for the money chest.
The money chest.
That for a small tin,
that we keep some money in.
And some things that we don't
want the kids to see.
Why don't you want
the kids to see money
and what else don't you want the kids
to see? There's other things in it.
I don't mind the money, it's the
other things... Like what?
The remains.
OK, that's where you keep your money
and the remains of those
who you've killed.
Yes.
Then you've got PBU,
that's that one there.
What does PBU stand for?
PBU on the key ring? Yes.
It's the place...for bins,
you.
LAUGHTER
And, er, and it, it's
a little, um...
Just like that!
My... I... What happened...
He couldn't have made that up!
It's true.
We've got one of those outside
little shed things
you're supposed to put the bins in
to make it look tidy
and my wife constantly comes out and
says, "There's a place for
the bins, you!"
And to help me remember that's
the key, I put PBU on the thing.
So you give yourself
the job of remembering
the night before the bin men are
coming, to go out, unlock these
bins,
every time you go to put some
rubbish away, you unlock the bin.
No. This is, none of this...
Because the shed that the bins
are kept in doesn't have the lock.
The gate leading to the shed to put
the bins in has the lock.
What is going in these bins?
My wife basically thinks
more of the bins than me.
Then we've got this
little baby here.
Whoa ho, this tells a story.
This one is for the safe.
Ah. But the safe... Aha.
..bizarrely, it was already
in the house
and it's behind a picture,
how exciting.
The key has never fitted.
We never know what's in the safe.
Now, what is the picture
in front of the safe?
The picture in front of the safe?
Yeah. Oh, that picture.
The you know the safe that
doesn't exist?
There's a picture that doesn't
exist in front of it.
This is the thing...
What's it of?
It's a painting of your bins
that you had done.
This is the bit...
The bins that must never
be taken from the house.
This is the bit you're going
to find crazy.
It's a picture of the safe.
I know, I know, it's crazy.
It's absolutely crazy.
And this, David, is the
key to your heart.
It's not, that is to the
side passage.
And it's quite annoying to get
through the side passage
because I have to open
the gated community for the bins
and that takes me through to the
side passage which I open
and that's all the keys apart
from this one,
do you know what that
one's for, Fiona?
Nobody knows.
And how did you get that key?
That key was given to...
Right, this is the bit that's not
funny and I don't want any jokes.
My great grandfather
fought in the First World War
and he had a key round his neck,
and we don't know what the
key was for.
But it was passed on, he gave it to
his father, his father gave it to
his father....
He gave it to his father? So he
passed it on backwards in time?
No, sorry, no.
All I will say is, just in summary,
I'm not pitching it to you
because it is true, but if you don't
believe it, quite simply,
the story is simple,
what is there not to believe?
I come home, I make sure the side
gated community to the bins
are unlocked
so I can get the bins out,
leave them on a Tuesday,
and let them open the side passage,
get in, lock the side passage,
come through to the house, open the
safe by moving the picture,
I can't open the safe, I always
forget, I close the safe, I get
the tin, open it up,
move the eyeballs, get the money
out, close the tin, open the thing,
back inside, straight to the front
door, which is blue, go out,
feed Howard Jones' cat next door,
who I accidently said was
Shakin' Stevens.
What part of that are you telling me
is not true?
APPLAUSE
So what are you going to say, David?
What does your team think?
I think we're going
to say it's a lie.
Saying it's a lie. Lee.
Was it the truth or was it a lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Steve Jones.
Thank you.
Yes, who'd have thought it?
Wales' best-looking man
telling Steve Jones that he's the
liar of the week, good night.