Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Unseen Bits - full transcript
Good evening and welcome to a very special edition
of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You.
Joining David Mitchell tonight -
Dermot O'Leary, Kirsty Young, Stephen Mangan, Sarah Millican,
Richard Osman, Isy Suttie, Greg Rutherford,
Joan Bakewell, Jason Manford,
Susan Calman, Mel Giedroyc and Jon Richardson,
and joining Lee Mack tonight -
Warwick Davis, Josh Widdicombe, David Harewood,
Matt Dawson, Carol Kirkwood, Bob Mortimer, Paul Hollywood,
Joanna Scanlan, David O'Doherty, Charles Dance and Gok Wan.
And so to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Charles is first up.
Whenever I answer the house phone
and it's someone I don't wish to speak to,
I take a message, and pretend I am my fictional handyman Sean.
David.
So, do you answer in Sean's voice all the time,
so that in case it's someone you don't want to speak to?
I leave a pause and wait for the person on the other end
to say, "Hello?".
You answer the phone with silence?
And I can usually tell by the "hello"
whether it's somebody I wish to speak to
and if I'm not in the mood to speak to anybody, you know, I say,
- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
- "No, I'm sorry Charles isn't home, now,
"try calling back later, you know?"
What part of Scotland is Sean from?
- He's from the West side of Belfast.
- Ah.
Charles, if you don't want to speak to anyone at all, why pick up the phone?
Well, it's a kind of obsessive thing, you know,
with the insecurity that actors have, you know, you think,
"Oh, my God, might be a job," you know, I just...
- Well, let's give it a try,
I'll ring you, OK? - Yeah. - OK.
Brr-brr, brr-brr.
Has he not bought a telephone since 1983?
Hello...hello?
Charles? Hello?
- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
- Hey, no, this is not Charles. Charles isn't home at the moment,
but if you'd like to leave your number, er, I'll get him
to call you back when, when he's back, yeah?
Charles, are you ill?
Charles! Charles, I'm calling for an ambulance now.
It's all right, get in the recovery position.
Oh, God, I'm on my way!
So, what are you thinking, Stephen Mangan?
I can't see that, who picks up the phone and doesn't say "hello"?
It's an innate human instinct, isn't it?
You can't pick up the phone and go...
.."Hello, I'm Sean," I just...
Isy, what do you think?
I don't think you just pick up the phone and not say anything he might,
the person might be able to hear you breathing, it all gets a bit creepy.
Which way are you going to go with this, David?
- Well, I think, we don't think it's true.
- You think it's a lie.
OK, Charles, truth or lie?
Erm, I'm afraid it's a lie.
Joan Bakewell, it's your turn.
Once, when I spotted an ex-boyfriend in a department store,
I pretended to be a shop mannequin to avoid having to speak to him.
Lee.
Well, I know what I want to see.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry, no, it's probably different.
Sorry, sorry, you want to see the mannequin thing.
Oh, right, oh, yeah, whatever.
Do that, do that, but then we do mine, yeah?
I would like to see the mannequin impression.
Well, I-I... It was in the department
where they used to, erm, sell a lot of fabrics
and they used to have mannequins draped in, in just swathes of cloth.
So, I grabbed a swathe of fabric
and just draped it across my shoulder, and it, it was full-length.
Where was this? We haven't said where it was.
It was in Dickins & Jones on Regent Street.
- Oh, lovely.
- And when, when was this?
Oh, ah, it's a long time ago, early in the '60s.
Surely you weren't old enough
to shop on your own in the early '60s, Joan.
So gallant.
No, I'm kidding, I believe you. Erm...
I've said sorry to mannequins before now,
- in the department stores, I've gone...
- Yeah, but what were you doing to them?
What do you think, Lee, is it the truth?
Warwick, what do you think, do you think there's any...?
- I think she's telling the truth.
- Really, do you think? - Yeah, I do.
The thing for me is, if you're within six to eight foot of an ex,
and you don't recognise her cos she's static, it just seems a bit...
I wouldn't, I've never been allowed within eight feet of my exes.
Go on then, I'll say it's a lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie. Joan, was it the truth or was it a lie?
- It's a lie.
- Lie!
How could you, Warwick?
Dermot, you're next.
I sometimes move bowls and plates from the bottom
- to the top of the pile, so they don't feel left out.
- Lee.
How much time have you got on your hands?
Is this system only for the plates and the bowls, nothing else?
It's for the side plates, big plates,
yeah, and your regular bowls.
So, for example, if there are four that have gone in the dishwasher,
and there's, say, two left, I like those two guys to be first up next time.
Which, I do understand, attributes some kind of personality to an inanimate object.
That's why they put you on David's side.
How many bowls are there?
It works with all crockery.
It wouldn't work with eggcups, though, would it,
- cos they're you couldn't really stack them in the same way.
- No.
That's a good question, would the eggcups at the back be brought to the front?
- We have two so they get used regularly, they're pretty happy.
- How about if you only had two plates?
- Dermot can't have two plates!
- Thank you, Rob.
Imagine the sort of dinner parties he has!
Imagine who's coming to those dinner parties -
Cowell, Walliams, McPartlin, Donnelly.
Ant and Dec, they're using the egg cups as bowls!
When was the last time, if you can remember,
that you actually thought, "It's time for a change, let's move these fellas out of the way,
- "let's bring these guys up." How recently would
that have been? - Oh, last week. - Really?
Last week, yeah. There was one single plate there
- and I thought, "When did that guy last get used?"
- Yeah.
I'm thinking at least a fortnight, he's got to go to the top.
Dermot, how do you keep track of how many pills and tablets
you're meant to take in any... in any one day?
Do you have a system or does your carer really oversee all of that?
What does your wife think?
Weirdly, I only told her about it a couple of weeks ago.
Are you worried that your wife's doing the same thing? And so...
Yeah...that's a good point.
Dermot, you call them guys, are there no lady plates, lady bowls?
No, I mean, that's a catch-all term,
some bowls have a femininity about them, yeah, but, no, I...
- They're sort of, they're sort of omnisex.
- Oh, OK.
- I don't mind being called guys.
- Well, you don't, you're only one.
- I know.
- You're a guy, yeah.
It's a very middle-class thing, I think, calling, parents who
call their children "guys", that always makes you want to vomit.
Yeah. Yeah, it's true, innit.
- "You guys want to help with the washing up?"
- Oh, yes!
The worst one is, "Come on, guys, let's do the washing up,"
and they go, "You're not my real dad."
Well, there we are. Lee, what do you think?
Do Dermot's words have the ring of truth about them?
Josh?
I...think...so.
Matt Dawson, which way are you leaning?
- Lie.
- So, Lee, you have to have the casting vote.
- We're going to say that it is in fact true.
- You're saying true.
Dermot O'Leary, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling you...
- the truth.
- Oh, well done, give it that.
Good show, good show!
It's David O'Doherty.
I looked after a neighbour's pet for five days
before I realised it was dead.
David Mitchell and team, what do you think?
OK, what, what was the species of pet?
His name was Charlie.
So, initially I thought he was going to be a spaniel, at the very least,
- and then it turned out that he was a stick insect.
- Thanks.
Stick insects, I mean, I'm not an expert, David,
don't require a huge amount of high-maintenance upkeep.
What was your role meant to be?
Step one, greenhouse, eucalyptus...
- into the cage...
- Eucalyptus?!
- Eucalyptus.
- It wasn't a koala bear?
Step two, water, squishy gun, "Squish, squish," five.
- One, two, three, four, five.
- So, you drowned it?
And because I felt that he might be a bit unhappy,
I would take him out into the garden for this,
and when the wind blew, he had little aerials and they'd...
Do you know what I mean? Just like a stick insect.
So, I thought he was alive.
Oh, so the wind gave you the impression that it was moving.
"I'm alive, I'm dead...
"I'm alive..." That's how you'd know.
- What's the spraying for?
- To simulate the monsoon environment that...
They come from a part of the world where there's a regular,
daily, 25-second monsoon?
I think if I'd taken him out, then I, obviously, would have seen...
- Out of what?
- The cage. - Right.
- The cage?! - Cage? - Cage?!
He was in a tight metal... You're supposed to be my team!
I know, but I know that's what they're thinking
so I'm trying to help you on by going,
- "What, you mean that thing that little sticks could get through, the cage?"
- Good question.
- It was a very tight mesh. - Let's
call it a glass cage, or a tank. - No!
- No, they couldn't breathe then. It's a...
- No, you don't have a lid on it,
- you have a, actually, no, good point, you have a...
- Lee!
Will you stop designing hutches for stick insects?
So, how did you eventually know that he was dead?
I was just, I was putting in the eucalyptus
and removing yesterday's eucalyptus and he was...
Who'd be eating yesterday's eucalyptus?!
No, it was, I'd just take it out and he was like this, OK?
And then when I took it out it brushed past him
and he just reacted like this.
- And, you know...
- Yeah.
- That's a fair description.
- So, what are you thinking, David?
Is that truthful or has he made it all up?
I don't think it's truthful because I think stick insects,
- sort of, live in gangs and aren't as he described...
- "Gangs"?!
- What's the collective noun for lots of stick insects?
- Trees. Trees.
Do you two think it's true? Because I'm very happy to defer.
- I would go for, I'd say false.
- Susan says "lie", Richard?
- I say "true".
- You say "true", David?
Well, I think it's a lie so, you know,
why not sometimes just say what you think?
David, they think you're telling a lie.
Were you telling a lie or were you telling the truth?
This is a 100% trustworthy face
and it was telling the absolute...truth.
Sorry!
It's David Mitchell.
I once got stuck in a cave for an hour after getting the hood
of my cagoule caught on a stalactite
in a way I couldn't untwizzle.
Right. Caves and stalactites, Lee Mack's team.
- Well, the bit that we DEFINITELY believe about that story is "cagoule".
- "Cagoule".
- We're not doubting "cagoule".
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
And when, in the last three weeks, did this happen?
This happened when I was a boy, a child, a human child.
- A boy child?
- Boy child! What cave was it?
Er, it was somewhere in France.
- Ah, holiday?
- Yes.
Deliberate ploy by parents to get rid of you?
"Give him the baggy cagoule, find a stalactite, then run."
And you in... You were in there for an hour?
Yeah, I was I was caught on the...on the stalactite.
- For an hour?
- For an hour, yeah.
Just remember, remind me again, stalactites go down, right?
- Stalactites hang down.
- Hang down.
Stalagmites go up and the easy way to remember it...
- Yeah?
- ..is that stalactites have a C in them -
stala-c-tite, C for ceiling.
Stalagmites, have a G - G for ground.
- No, it's the stalactites come down isn't it?
- Tights come down.
But, tights... Tights go up as well.
No, they don't. Not when I'm around, love.
Hey, hey!
But how did you eventually escape?
My dad came and released me.
- So, you're with your family on this trip?
- Well, they were sort of...
It took them AN HOUR to find you...
I would have thought, if I'd have lost you
and you'd have been my child, it would have been six or seven days.
- Right, so what are you thinking, Lee, could this be true?
- What do you think?
- I'm going to go for a lie.
- You think it's a lie. - Hm. - Bob?
Lie for me, Lee.
- Lie.
- Lie. David?
- It's a lie.
- Yes.
Joanna, you're next.
I used to vet potential boyfriends by getting them to play me at darts.
I could tell more about them in one game, than I could on ten dates.
David?
So, what was it about their darts-playing,
that told you things about their personality?
Stance. It's, sort of, liquidity of the way they stand in that position.
- The "liquidity"?
- Was this linked to, you thought their character
or their physical prowess, if I can put it that way.
It's character. It was all about the character.
Well, here's the thing,
because one of our panellists is quite accomplished at darts.
It's Lee. So, Lee, would, would you demonstrate
and then we could ask Joanna to analyse
and come to her own conclusions.
Are you good at darts?
I've been known to do double tops, I think you know what I'm saying.
So, what I tend to do is I tend to go like this... That's the line.
- And now, I'll take my dart.
- Where's the board, sorry?
Good question, that's what I was thinking.
That's the first thing I do is I'd go, "Hang on, there's no board."
Because I know what I'm doing! And then I would take the dart,
I will lean forward with all the weight on the right leg -
keeping it straight, of course, I'm not an idiot.
I'll then raise the hand and little finger,
note the little finger is in the air, it's weight,
if I put it down, I'll fall to the left.
I have to ballast myself with the finger out.
And then I'd go like that,
might give it a cheeky wiggle of the bottom to the lady watching...
and then, "Oh, he's only gone and hit 180 again!"
I'm going to collect the things,
I'm so proud, I'll probably moonwalk to the board.
Oh, Christ!
I didn't know about that, usually oches are straight.
And then I would grab the darts, like that,
and go, "They're for you, princess."
That's how I roll.
Now then, you've seen a...
A fulsome display.
So, what would you...? What judgments...?
What conclusions would you have come to about Lee, from that?
You all saw it, there was evidence there of the, kind of,
it's about a certain sort of flow.
Yes.
And I think Lee pretends...
Gives quite a good impression of being a bit of a moron.
It is true he does, he does.
But, but what I think that belies
is the fact that underneath it, he is a bit of a kind, old softie.
- Yay. Yay.
- And that's, kind of, what I'm looking for.
- So, David, what do you think?
- Kirsty, what do you think?
I would tend to think it's true.
Greg?
Yeah, I, sort of, think the same.
Can I say, I'm, sort of, 70%, I'm not 100%.
- How, what percent are you? - 50.
- You're 50. 50?!
Well, the thing is it could be either, that's the thing.
- Well, that's...
- I know!
- True.
- True. OK, so, Joanna, truth or lie?
In fact, it is a lie.
Sorry.
It's Gok.
Right.
I always use two toothbrushes to brush my teeth.
- One for the top set, one for the bottom.
- David's team.
I believe it.
Can I just check, when you say, "One for the bottom..."?
- How would you tell the two apart?
- Different colours.
One pink and one blue -
always pink up top, always blue, blue down below.
- Just talk us through it. - Right.
- You're in the bathroom... - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- OK, so, I'm in the bathroom.
I have my shower, I fully body-moisturise...
I can vouch for all of this.
And then, I go to brush my... And it's quite a big ritual for me
because when I was younger I was bullied by the way that I look, you see, so...
I think it's fair to say, Gok, you weren't bullied BY the way you look, were you?
- Because of the way I looked.
- Yeah. - Absolutely.
- It's an important distinction.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Otherwise you're being bullied by a concept, aren't you?
This is true, thanks for pointing that out.
I'm feeling bullied again, thank you very much indeed.
Well, you can see how it started, can't you?
So, as I was saying, I was bullied and one of the big reasons
was because of my big teeth and my big smile,
- and so, I was always very aware of how big my mouth is...
- Why are you looking at Stephen, Rob?
- Erm...
- Well, I thought they might have met at a support group, I...
- Teeth Anonymous! -
MUFFLED: - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Erm, what do you think? - Isy?
- I think this is definitely true.
He's very plausible in his chat, but I just can't,
- I can't see someone doing that.
- I'm going to say lie.
- OK, so, Gok, truth or lie?
- It was a lie.
That was unlucky.
Richard Osman, you're next.
When I was a child I created a superhero called Snooker Table Man.
He had three key skills and one mortal enemy.
Lee.
Let's start with the obvious,
who's the mortal enemy of Snooker Table Man?
- Vampire Ray.
- Not...
- Who was based loosely around Ray Reardon.
- Ray Reardon?
What were his three skills, Richard?
A lot of his skills didn't have an awful lot to do with snooker, I'll be honest.
He took, he took on the form of a snooker table
- because then he could get...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What...? Just one question to clarify,
what the hell are you talking about?
Right, Snooker Table Man, he would take on the form of a snooker table
in the same way that the TARDIS would take on the form of a phone box, it's not crazy,
and he would be able to go into the houses of very rich and successful and famous people and spy on them.
Well, it's not like the TARDIS, is it?
- The TARDIS is the vehicle that the superhero, for want of a better word,
travels round in. - Yeah.
If you're Snooker Table Man,
and there's a child trapped in a building, you know,
"What are we going to do?" "Don't worry, it's Snooker Table Man."
and then you turn into a snooker table, and you go,
"Now what, I don't know, that's all I can do."
So, what was his purpose, what did he do?
His purpose was to go into the houses of very rich people
who were trying to, for various reasons, take over the world,
and he would, firstly, he would report back on them
because he had wireless transistors in the pockets.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, so, he was...
So, he would go into the houses of very, very rich people.
Admit, ADMIT, admit that is a good disguise if you want to get into...
No, it's a terrible disguise, it's a terrible disguise,
unless the person in question has ordered a snooker table.
Otherwise, they'll go... It's the worst disguise in the world!
They'll go, "Where the hell did that come from?"
You think any rich person, if they were given a delivery of a snooker table,
wouldn't go, "Oh, lovely, a snooker table."
They would, but you didn't say you were given delivery,
you said you suddenly appeared in an empty room.
No, I didn't, what do you mean, transport myself...
So, you knock on the door and you go, "Hello, I'm here to give you a snooker table."
No, you are, you are...
That was it, that was your...
Now, you're making it sound ridiculous.
How did he move around?
He didn't move around, that's the beauty of him.
People moved around him, that's snooker tables.
You know what, I won't tell the rest of this story,
if you're going to mock me.
- What are the other powers you haven't told us about?
- Yeah.
Well, I've given you the two and the third one was...
- What was the second one?
- Transistors... - The transistors, yeah.
- The ability to transmit information.
- Who to? - And it...
To... (Oh, goodness me!)
Who do you think, if we're trying to save the world, who do you think he's transmitting to?
- Steve Davis.
- Firstly, me.
- What was your third power then?
- The third power was exploding balls.
And how would he use his exploding balls?
In what situation would he want his balls to explode?
Finally, a sensible question.
If I received enough information...
that the person whose home this snooker table is in
is up to no good, is up to nefarious activities, OK?
The next time they're playing a game of snooker,
I can then make those balls explode at will.
If you were playing this game in Wales you wouldn't call it snooker.
- "Snuker"? - "Snuker".
- Yeah, "snuker".
Cos we don't, we don't like the O sound,
it's the same with tooth, we'd say "tuth".
Yeah, and, likewise, we don't like the...the Welsh.
- Lee, what are you thinking?
- I think it's a big fat lie.
You think it's a lie.
I mean, I think he's a large man. He's like a snooker table.
I'm not twelve foot by six foot, you know that, David.
I think I'm going to say that that was a lie.
You think it's a lie. OK, Richard, was it the truth or was it a lie?
It was...
a lie.
It's Jon Richardson.
When I was a child, I was told to stop stalking a clown.
I think it's true.
Why were you stalking a clown?
Because I liked him.
How old were you, Jon?
- Nine?
- What was the name of the clown?
Dozy David.
- Dozy David?
- He was opening a shopping centre where I grew up
and I saw what I believed was genuine magic.
- What did he do?
- He did card tricks and he juggled, and he did jokes,
made animals from balloons.
What was the nature of your stalking?
Physically following him or phoning him or...?
- It was on the phone.
- How did you get his number?
Because I asked for his autograph and he gave me his card.
- What, "Dozy Dave..."
- I thought, for a minute, you were going to say,
"Gave me the autograph and included his number as well!" OK.
So, talk us through, then, what happened. You leave it a day or two do you or...?
I left it a day or two cos I didn't want to look...
Give him chance to get home in his car that keeps falling apart.
So, what did you do, talk us through the first conversation.
Well, no, that's the thing, he never answered his phone.
So I used to leave messages.
"Hiya, David, it's Jon here, from Lancaster,
"just wondering if you're coming back and doing any shows or...?
"Give us a ring, we'll see what happens."
He never rang back so I had to ring him again, didn't I?
- Right, and how long did this go on for?
- A few weeks.
How many times in those few weeks did you ring him?
I would imagine it was something like every other day.
And was it the same messages or was it getting steadily more menacing?
Were you going, "Now, listen here, Dozy Dave..."
"If you don't call me back..."
"Yeah, I know where you live, I've got your address on the card..."
- "Yes, I've got your number..."
- "I'll come round your house..."
"I know where you keep your balloons!"
"If you don't call me, I'll get a bucket of confetti
"and I'll throw it right in your face, and you'll think it's water."
"Just watch it, you!"
"Yeah, what's worse, I'm going to come...
- "come round and mend your car!"
- Did this carry...
Did this carry on long enough for the messages,
your voice was getting deeper and deeper.
"Now, listen here...
"this has been 23 years...
"..how do you make a poodle out of a BALLOON?!"
How did it end then, Jon?
It ended very upsettingly
when his wife or girlfriend answered the phone.
And said, "David says, will you stop calling the house."
Oh.
- Oh, this is a heart-breaking story.
- Blimey.
Lee, what do you think, could that tale of woe be true?
I think it fits his character profile, sweet. I think it's probably true.
- Yeah, do we, David?
- I think it's true. - True. - For me.
- OK, we'll say...
- You all think it's true.
Jon, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling a...
truth.
Lee, how do you know Ian?
This is Ian, he is my supermarket delivery driver
who accidently got... I can't remember!
I just want you to know this is absolutely true, right,
but they do insist that we say it exactly the way it happened.
- So, here we go.
- Right. - Erm...
This is David... No, what's your name?
- Lee.
- Yeah.
Perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Ian?
Never met him.
This is Ian, right.
- Lee. - This is Ian.
- This is Ian.
Listen, I think it's fair to say the opposition have got it down to 50/50.
So, Lee, how do you know Ian?
This is Ian.
Ian, do me a favour, could you Sellotape that to your face?
Right.
This is Ian, he is the supermarket delivery driver
who accidentally trapped me in the back of his van
and drove me to his next drop-off point.
Right, and finally, David, what is Lee to you?
Not Lee, sorry.
of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You.
Joining David Mitchell tonight -
Dermot O'Leary, Kirsty Young, Stephen Mangan, Sarah Millican,
Richard Osman, Isy Suttie, Greg Rutherford,
Joan Bakewell, Jason Manford,
Susan Calman, Mel Giedroyc and Jon Richardson,
and joining Lee Mack tonight -
Warwick Davis, Josh Widdicombe, David Harewood,
Matt Dawson, Carol Kirkwood, Bob Mortimer, Paul Hollywood,
Joanna Scanlan, David O'Doherty, Charles Dance and Gok Wan.
And so to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Charles is first up.
Whenever I answer the house phone
and it's someone I don't wish to speak to,
I take a message, and pretend I am my fictional handyman Sean.
David.
So, do you answer in Sean's voice all the time,
so that in case it's someone you don't want to speak to?
I leave a pause and wait for the person on the other end
to say, "Hello?".
You answer the phone with silence?
And I can usually tell by the "hello"
whether it's somebody I wish to speak to
and if I'm not in the mood to speak to anybody, you know, I say,
- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
- "No, I'm sorry Charles isn't home, now,
"try calling back later, you know?"
What part of Scotland is Sean from?
- He's from the West side of Belfast.
- Ah.
Charles, if you don't want to speak to anyone at all, why pick up the phone?
Well, it's a kind of obsessive thing, you know,
with the insecurity that actors have, you know, you think,
"Oh, my God, might be a job," you know, I just...
- Well, let's give it a try,
I'll ring you, OK? - Yeah. - OK.
Brr-brr, brr-brr.
Has he not bought a telephone since 1983?
Hello...hello?
Charles? Hello?
- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
- Hey, no, this is not Charles. Charles isn't home at the moment,
but if you'd like to leave your number, er, I'll get him
to call you back when, when he's back, yeah?
Charles, are you ill?
Charles! Charles, I'm calling for an ambulance now.
It's all right, get in the recovery position.
Oh, God, I'm on my way!
So, what are you thinking, Stephen Mangan?
I can't see that, who picks up the phone and doesn't say "hello"?
It's an innate human instinct, isn't it?
You can't pick up the phone and go...
.."Hello, I'm Sean," I just...
Isy, what do you think?
I don't think you just pick up the phone and not say anything he might,
the person might be able to hear you breathing, it all gets a bit creepy.
Which way are you going to go with this, David?
- Well, I think, we don't think it's true.
- You think it's a lie.
OK, Charles, truth or lie?
Erm, I'm afraid it's a lie.
Joan Bakewell, it's your turn.
Once, when I spotted an ex-boyfriend in a department store,
I pretended to be a shop mannequin to avoid having to speak to him.
Lee.
Well, I know what I want to see.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry, no, it's probably different.
Sorry, sorry, you want to see the mannequin thing.
Oh, right, oh, yeah, whatever.
Do that, do that, but then we do mine, yeah?
I would like to see the mannequin impression.
Well, I-I... It was in the department
where they used to, erm, sell a lot of fabrics
and they used to have mannequins draped in, in just swathes of cloth.
So, I grabbed a swathe of fabric
and just draped it across my shoulder, and it, it was full-length.
Where was this? We haven't said where it was.
It was in Dickins & Jones on Regent Street.
- Oh, lovely.
- And when, when was this?
Oh, ah, it's a long time ago, early in the '60s.
Surely you weren't old enough
to shop on your own in the early '60s, Joan.
So gallant.
No, I'm kidding, I believe you. Erm...
I've said sorry to mannequins before now,
- in the department stores, I've gone...
- Yeah, but what were you doing to them?
What do you think, Lee, is it the truth?
Warwick, what do you think, do you think there's any...?
- I think she's telling the truth.
- Really, do you think? - Yeah, I do.
The thing for me is, if you're within six to eight foot of an ex,
and you don't recognise her cos she's static, it just seems a bit...
I wouldn't, I've never been allowed within eight feet of my exes.
Go on then, I'll say it's a lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie. Joan, was it the truth or was it a lie?
- It's a lie.
- Lie!
How could you, Warwick?
Dermot, you're next.
I sometimes move bowls and plates from the bottom
- to the top of the pile, so they don't feel left out.
- Lee.
How much time have you got on your hands?
Is this system only for the plates and the bowls, nothing else?
It's for the side plates, big plates,
yeah, and your regular bowls.
So, for example, if there are four that have gone in the dishwasher,
and there's, say, two left, I like those two guys to be first up next time.
Which, I do understand, attributes some kind of personality to an inanimate object.
That's why they put you on David's side.
How many bowls are there?
It works with all crockery.
It wouldn't work with eggcups, though, would it,
- cos they're you couldn't really stack them in the same way.
- No.
That's a good question, would the eggcups at the back be brought to the front?
- We have two so they get used regularly, they're pretty happy.
- How about if you only had two plates?
- Dermot can't have two plates!
- Thank you, Rob.
Imagine the sort of dinner parties he has!
Imagine who's coming to those dinner parties -
Cowell, Walliams, McPartlin, Donnelly.
Ant and Dec, they're using the egg cups as bowls!
When was the last time, if you can remember,
that you actually thought, "It's time for a change, let's move these fellas out of the way,
- "let's bring these guys up." How recently would
that have been? - Oh, last week. - Really?
Last week, yeah. There was one single plate there
- and I thought, "When did that guy last get used?"
- Yeah.
I'm thinking at least a fortnight, he's got to go to the top.
Dermot, how do you keep track of how many pills and tablets
you're meant to take in any... in any one day?
Do you have a system or does your carer really oversee all of that?
What does your wife think?
Weirdly, I only told her about it a couple of weeks ago.
Are you worried that your wife's doing the same thing? And so...
Yeah...that's a good point.
Dermot, you call them guys, are there no lady plates, lady bowls?
No, I mean, that's a catch-all term,
some bowls have a femininity about them, yeah, but, no, I...
- They're sort of, they're sort of omnisex.
- Oh, OK.
- I don't mind being called guys.
- Well, you don't, you're only one.
- I know.
- You're a guy, yeah.
It's a very middle-class thing, I think, calling, parents who
call their children "guys", that always makes you want to vomit.
Yeah. Yeah, it's true, innit.
- "You guys want to help with the washing up?"
- Oh, yes!
The worst one is, "Come on, guys, let's do the washing up,"
and they go, "You're not my real dad."
Well, there we are. Lee, what do you think?
Do Dermot's words have the ring of truth about them?
Josh?
I...think...so.
Matt Dawson, which way are you leaning?
- Lie.
- So, Lee, you have to have the casting vote.
- We're going to say that it is in fact true.
- You're saying true.
Dermot O'Leary, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling you...
- the truth.
- Oh, well done, give it that.
Good show, good show!
It's David O'Doherty.
I looked after a neighbour's pet for five days
before I realised it was dead.
David Mitchell and team, what do you think?
OK, what, what was the species of pet?
His name was Charlie.
So, initially I thought he was going to be a spaniel, at the very least,
- and then it turned out that he was a stick insect.
- Thanks.
Stick insects, I mean, I'm not an expert, David,
don't require a huge amount of high-maintenance upkeep.
What was your role meant to be?
Step one, greenhouse, eucalyptus...
- into the cage...
- Eucalyptus?!
- Eucalyptus.
- It wasn't a koala bear?
Step two, water, squishy gun, "Squish, squish," five.
- One, two, three, four, five.
- So, you drowned it?
And because I felt that he might be a bit unhappy,
I would take him out into the garden for this,
and when the wind blew, he had little aerials and they'd...
Do you know what I mean? Just like a stick insect.
So, I thought he was alive.
Oh, so the wind gave you the impression that it was moving.
"I'm alive, I'm dead...
"I'm alive..." That's how you'd know.
- What's the spraying for?
- To simulate the monsoon environment that...
They come from a part of the world where there's a regular,
daily, 25-second monsoon?
I think if I'd taken him out, then I, obviously, would have seen...
- Out of what?
- The cage. - Right.
- The cage?! - Cage? - Cage?!
He was in a tight metal... You're supposed to be my team!
I know, but I know that's what they're thinking
so I'm trying to help you on by going,
- "What, you mean that thing that little sticks could get through, the cage?"
- Good question.
- It was a very tight mesh. - Let's
call it a glass cage, or a tank. - No!
- No, they couldn't breathe then. It's a...
- No, you don't have a lid on it,
- you have a, actually, no, good point, you have a...
- Lee!
Will you stop designing hutches for stick insects?
So, how did you eventually know that he was dead?
I was just, I was putting in the eucalyptus
and removing yesterday's eucalyptus and he was...
Who'd be eating yesterday's eucalyptus?!
No, it was, I'd just take it out and he was like this, OK?
And then when I took it out it brushed past him
and he just reacted like this.
- And, you know...
- Yeah.
- That's a fair description.
- So, what are you thinking, David?
Is that truthful or has he made it all up?
I don't think it's truthful because I think stick insects,
- sort of, live in gangs and aren't as he described...
- "Gangs"?!
- What's the collective noun for lots of stick insects?
- Trees. Trees.
Do you two think it's true? Because I'm very happy to defer.
- I would go for, I'd say false.
- Susan says "lie", Richard?
- I say "true".
- You say "true", David?
Well, I think it's a lie so, you know,
why not sometimes just say what you think?
David, they think you're telling a lie.
Were you telling a lie or were you telling the truth?
This is a 100% trustworthy face
and it was telling the absolute...truth.
Sorry!
It's David Mitchell.
I once got stuck in a cave for an hour after getting the hood
of my cagoule caught on a stalactite
in a way I couldn't untwizzle.
Right. Caves and stalactites, Lee Mack's team.
- Well, the bit that we DEFINITELY believe about that story is "cagoule".
- "Cagoule".
- We're not doubting "cagoule".
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
And when, in the last three weeks, did this happen?
This happened when I was a boy, a child, a human child.
- A boy child?
- Boy child! What cave was it?
Er, it was somewhere in France.
- Ah, holiday?
- Yes.
Deliberate ploy by parents to get rid of you?
"Give him the baggy cagoule, find a stalactite, then run."
And you in... You were in there for an hour?
Yeah, I was I was caught on the...on the stalactite.
- For an hour?
- For an hour, yeah.
Just remember, remind me again, stalactites go down, right?
- Stalactites hang down.
- Hang down.
Stalagmites go up and the easy way to remember it...
- Yeah?
- ..is that stalactites have a C in them -
stala-c-tite, C for ceiling.
Stalagmites, have a G - G for ground.
- No, it's the stalactites come down isn't it?
- Tights come down.
But, tights... Tights go up as well.
No, they don't. Not when I'm around, love.
Hey, hey!
But how did you eventually escape?
My dad came and released me.
- So, you're with your family on this trip?
- Well, they were sort of...
It took them AN HOUR to find you...
I would have thought, if I'd have lost you
and you'd have been my child, it would have been six or seven days.
- Right, so what are you thinking, Lee, could this be true?
- What do you think?
- I'm going to go for a lie.
- You think it's a lie. - Hm. - Bob?
Lie for me, Lee.
- Lie.
- Lie. David?
- It's a lie.
- Yes.
Joanna, you're next.
I used to vet potential boyfriends by getting them to play me at darts.
I could tell more about them in one game, than I could on ten dates.
David?
So, what was it about their darts-playing,
that told you things about their personality?
Stance. It's, sort of, liquidity of the way they stand in that position.
- The "liquidity"?
- Was this linked to, you thought their character
or their physical prowess, if I can put it that way.
It's character. It was all about the character.
Well, here's the thing,
because one of our panellists is quite accomplished at darts.
It's Lee. So, Lee, would, would you demonstrate
and then we could ask Joanna to analyse
and come to her own conclusions.
Are you good at darts?
I've been known to do double tops, I think you know what I'm saying.
So, what I tend to do is I tend to go like this... That's the line.
- And now, I'll take my dart.
- Where's the board, sorry?
Good question, that's what I was thinking.
That's the first thing I do is I'd go, "Hang on, there's no board."
Because I know what I'm doing! And then I would take the dart,
I will lean forward with all the weight on the right leg -
keeping it straight, of course, I'm not an idiot.
I'll then raise the hand and little finger,
note the little finger is in the air, it's weight,
if I put it down, I'll fall to the left.
I have to ballast myself with the finger out.
And then I'd go like that,
might give it a cheeky wiggle of the bottom to the lady watching...
and then, "Oh, he's only gone and hit 180 again!"
I'm going to collect the things,
I'm so proud, I'll probably moonwalk to the board.
Oh, Christ!
I didn't know about that, usually oches are straight.
And then I would grab the darts, like that,
and go, "They're for you, princess."
That's how I roll.
Now then, you've seen a...
A fulsome display.
So, what would you...? What judgments...?
What conclusions would you have come to about Lee, from that?
You all saw it, there was evidence there of the, kind of,
it's about a certain sort of flow.
Yes.
And I think Lee pretends...
Gives quite a good impression of being a bit of a moron.
It is true he does, he does.
But, but what I think that belies
is the fact that underneath it, he is a bit of a kind, old softie.
- Yay. Yay.
- And that's, kind of, what I'm looking for.
- So, David, what do you think?
- Kirsty, what do you think?
I would tend to think it's true.
Greg?
Yeah, I, sort of, think the same.
Can I say, I'm, sort of, 70%, I'm not 100%.
- How, what percent are you? - 50.
- You're 50. 50?!
Well, the thing is it could be either, that's the thing.
- Well, that's...
- I know!
- True.
- True. OK, so, Joanna, truth or lie?
In fact, it is a lie.
Sorry.
It's Gok.
Right.
I always use two toothbrushes to brush my teeth.
- One for the top set, one for the bottom.
- David's team.
I believe it.
Can I just check, when you say, "One for the bottom..."?
- How would you tell the two apart?
- Different colours.
One pink and one blue -
always pink up top, always blue, blue down below.
- Just talk us through it. - Right.
- You're in the bathroom... - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- OK, so, I'm in the bathroom.
I have my shower, I fully body-moisturise...
I can vouch for all of this.
And then, I go to brush my... And it's quite a big ritual for me
because when I was younger I was bullied by the way that I look, you see, so...
I think it's fair to say, Gok, you weren't bullied BY the way you look, were you?
- Because of the way I looked.
- Yeah. - Absolutely.
- It's an important distinction.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Otherwise you're being bullied by a concept, aren't you?
This is true, thanks for pointing that out.
I'm feeling bullied again, thank you very much indeed.
Well, you can see how it started, can't you?
So, as I was saying, I was bullied and one of the big reasons
was because of my big teeth and my big smile,
- and so, I was always very aware of how big my mouth is...
- Why are you looking at Stephen, Rob?
- Erm...
- Well, I thought they might have met at a support group, I...
- Teeth Anonymous! -
MUFFLED: - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Erm, what do you think? - Isy?
- I think this is definitely true.
He's very plausible in his chat, but I just can't,
- I can't see someone doing that.
- I'm going to say lie.
- OK, so, Gok, truth or lie?
- It was a lie.
That was unlucky.
Richard Osman, you're next.
When I was a child I created a superhero called Snooker Table Man.
He had three key skills and one mortal enemy.
Lee.
Let's start with the obvious,
who's the mortal enemy of Snooker Table Man?
- Vampire Ray.
- Not...
- Who was based loosely around Ray Reardon.
- Ray Reardon?
What were his three skills, Richard?
A lot of his skills didn't have an awful lot to do with snooker, I'll be honest.
He took, he took on the form of a snooker table
- because then he could get...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What...? Just one question to clarify,
what the hell are you talking about?
Right, Snooker Table Man, he would take on the form of a snooker table
in the same way that the TARDIS would take on the form of a phone box, it's not crazy,
and he would be able to go into the houses of very rich and successful and famous people and spy on them.
Well, it's not like the TARDIS, is it?
- The TARDIS is the vehicle that the superhero, for want of a better word,
travels round in. - Yeah.
If you're Snooker Table Man,
and there's a child trapped in a building, you know,
"What are we going to do?" "Don't worry, it's Snooker Table Man."
and then you turn into a snooker table, and you go,
"Now what, I don't know, that's all I can do."
So, what was his purpose, what did he do?
His purpose was to go into the houses of very rich people
who were trying to, for various reasons, take over the world,
and he would, firstly, he would report back on them
because he had wireless transistors in the pockets.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, so, he was...
So, he would go into the houses of very, very rich people.
Admit, ADMIT, admit that is a good disguise if you want to get into...
No, it's a terrible disguise, it's a terrible disguise,
unless the person in question has ordered a snooker table.
Otherwise, they'll go... It's the worst disguise in the world!
They'll go, "Where the hell did that come from?"
You think any rich person, if they were given a delivery of a snooker table,
wouldn't go, "Oh, lovely, a snooker table."
They would, but you didn't say you were given delivery,
you said you suddenly appeared in an empty room.
No, I didn't, what do you mean, transport myself...
So, you knock on the door and you go, "Hello, I'm here to give you a snooker table."
No, you are, you are...
That was it, that was your...
Now, you're making it sound ridiculous.
How did he move around?
He didn't move around, that's the beauty of him.
People moved around him, that's snooker tables.
You know what, I won't tell the rest of this story,
if you're going to mock me.
- What are the other powers you haven't told us about?
- Yeah.
Well, I've given you the two and the third one was...
- What was the second one?
- Transistors... - The transistors, yeah.
- The ability to transmit information.
- Who to? - And it...
To... (Oh, goodness me!)
Who do you think, if we're trying to save the world, who do you think he's transmitting to?
- Steve Davis.
- Firstly, me.
- What was your third power then?
- The third power was exploding balls.
And how would he use his exploding balls?
In what situation would he want his balls to explode?
Finally, a sensible question.
If I received enough information...
that the person whose home this snooker table is in
is up to no good, is up to nefarious activities, OK?
The next time they're playing a game of snooker,
I can then make those balls explode at will.
If you were playing this game in Wales you wouldn't call it snooker.
- "Snuker"? - "Snuker".
- Yeah, "snuker".
Cos we don't, we don't like the O sound,
it's the same with tooth, we'd say "tuth".
Yeah, and, likewise, we don't like the...the Welsh.
- Lee, what are you thinking?
- I think it's a big fat lie.
You think it's a lie.
I mean, I think he's a large man. He's like a snooker table.
I'm not twelve foot by six foot, you know that, David.
I think I'm going to say that that was a lie.
You think it's a lie. OK, Richard, was it the truth or was it a lie?
It was...
a lie.
It's Jon Richardson.
When I was a child, I was told to stop stalking a clown.
I think it's true.
Why were you stalking a clown?
Because I liked him.
How old were you, Jon?
- Nine?
- What was the name of the clown?
Dozy David.
- Dozy David?
- He was opening a shopping centre where I grew up
and I saw what I believed was genuine magic.
- What did he do?
- He did card tricks and he juggled, and he did jokes,
made animals from balloons.
What was the nature of your stalking?
Physically following him or phoning him or...?
- It was on the phone.
- How did you get his number?
Because I asked for his autograph and he gave me his card.
- What, "Dozy Dave..."
- I thought, for a minute, you were going to say,
"Gave me the autograph and included his number as well!" OK.
So, talk us through, then, what happened. You leave it a day or two do you or...?
I left it a day or two cos I didn't want to look...
Give him chance to get home in his car that keeps falling apart.
So, what did you do, talk us through the first conversation.
Well, no, that's the thing, he never answered his phone.
So I used to leave messages.
"Hiya, David, it's Jon here, from Lancaster,
"just wondering if you're coming back and doing any shows or...?
"Give us a ring, we'll see what happens."
He never rang back so I had to ring him again, didn't I?
- Right, and how long did this go on for?
- A few weeks.
How many times in those few weeks did you ring him?
I would imagine it was something like every other day.
And was it the same messages or was it getting steadily more menacing?
Were you going, "Now, listen here, Dozy Dave..."
"If you don't call me back..."
"Yeah, I know where you live, I've got your address on the card..."
- "Yes, I've got your number..."
- "I'll come round your house..."
"I know where you keep your balloons!"
"If you don't call me, I'll get a bucket of confetti
"and I'll throw it right in your face, and you'll think it's water."
"Just watch it, you!"
"Yeah, what's worse, I'm going to come...
- "come round and mend your car!"
- Did this carry...
Did this carry on long enough for the messages,
your voice was getting deeper and deeper.
"Now, listen here...
"this has been 23 years...
"..how do you make a poodle out of a BALLOON?!"
How did it end then, Jon?
It ended very upsettingly
when his wife or girlfriend answered the phone.
And said, "David says, will you stop calling the house."
Oh.
- Oh, this is a heart-breaking story.
- Blimey.
Lee, what do you think, could that tale of woe be true?
I think it fits his character profile, sweet. I think it's probably true.
- Yeah, do we, David?
- I think it's true. - True. - For me.
- OK, we'll say...
- You all think it's true.
Jon, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling a...
truth.
Lee, how do you know Ian?
This is Ian, he is my supermarket delivery driver
who accidently got... I can't remember!
I just want you to know this is absolutely true, right,
but they do insist that we say it exactly the way it happened.
- So, here we go.
- Right. - Erm...
This is David... No, what's your name?
- Lee.
- Yeah.
Perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Ian?
Never met him.
This is Ian, right.
- Lee. - This is Ian.
- This is Ian.
Listen, I think it's fair to say the opposition have got it down to 50/50.
So, Lee, how do you know Ian?
This is Ian.
Ian, do me a favour, could you Sellotape that to your face?
Right.
This is Ian, he is the supermarket delivery driver
who accidentally trapped me in the back of his van
and drove me to his next drop-off point.
Right, and finally, David, what is Lee to you?
Not Lee, sorry.