Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - Episode #6.8 - full transcript
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where it's fine to fib.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
she says she'd rather be known
for her journalism
than her glamorous dress sense.
Well, I'd rather be known
for my comedy
than for being a world class lover,
but we play the hand we're dealt.
It's Emily Maitlis.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And I'm not saying
he went to a posh school,
but the kids who had a packed lunch
brought it in a hamper.
From Fresh Meat and
Hit The Road Jack, Jack Whitehall.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's Carson the butler
in Downton Abbey,
a show that's meticulous in its
attention to historical accuracy,
even down to the colour
of Lord Grantham's iPad.
It's Jim Carter.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And he's won so many BAFTAs,
he's the first man in Britain
ever to finish a tin of Brasso.
It's the satirist and broadcaster
Armando Iannucci.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Jim, you're first up,
so would you please reveal all?
Right.
As a method actor,
on the set of Downton Abbey
I like to remain
in character all day
and even help serve lunch
to the cast and the crew as Carson.
LAUGHTER
There we are, David.
What do you think?
Right. My immediate question is,
I think on a big set
like Downton Abbey
with a lot of high profile stars
like Maggie Smith,
there'd be an insurance issue with
unqualified caterers serving lunch.
LAUGHTER
Nobody's ever told me
there's an insurance issue.
I don't do Maggie,
I have to say. Maggie...
LAUGHTER
Do you bring her her food, then?
LAUGHTER
I don't serve Maggie her food.
What I do is, I bring the food
to the people on the dining bus,
rather than go round to individual
caravans or changing rooms.
Why do you think that
helps your performance?
It just helps me
stay in character somehow.
I don't like to switch off.
I lose concentration
if I switch off,
so I just try to stay with it.
It's tricky when you're serving
things out of polystyrene,
on polystyrene plates,
but it just helps me.
I was going to say, if you want
to inhabit the mind of the Edwardian
or First World War butler
and you say,
"I am that person,
I am that person,"
then suddenly there's a camera,
an HD camera and a boom
in front of you,
aren't you going to scream,
"Witchcraft, witchcraft"?
"What is this madness?
The aliens are here."
LAUGHTER
No, I wouldn't dream of doing that
cos I'm in the bubble, you know,
so I don't notice those things.
Do you do it with every role
that you play?
If you were doing a film about, say,
a man that liked wearing
women's underwear,
you would be committed
to wearing women's underwear
for the whole shoot?
You're the only person
who's seen that film, Jack.
LAUGHTER
But you're a dresser,
obviously, so you would,
you would dress all the male members
of the cast that you tend to.
I'm a butler, madam. A dresser?!
I mean, there are scenes
in which you help Lord Grantham
on with his pants.
Yeah, that's when the other valets
have disappeared or are in jail
or being accused of murder
and things like that.
Yeah, which is most weeks!
It's only in extremis
that I do the cufflinks.
A butler will sometimes do that,
I can vouch for that.
LAUGHTER
I think the problem with you, Jim,
is you've got such a lovely voice,
everybody's happy just sat there,
just sat there like this.
Yeah, you flounder in
such an authoritative way.
Viewers will be pleased to know
that Jim's answer
is now available as an audio book.
LAUGHTER
That method acting thing,
though, is true. I met someone
recently that was in Hollyoaks,
and they were really stupid
in real life as well.
LAUGHTER
They do, they do it all the time.
I knew someone in Hollyoaks,
and his granny used to watch
every episode and he said,
"Granny, you really...
please don't."
So what he did was,
if it was his last scene
of the episode, he'd go like that,
and that was,
Granny could switch off then,
cos she knew he wasn't
in it any more.
So what do you think, David?
I don't think it's true.
I think it's the sort of thing
people make up about actors,
and I think in this instance
it'd be very impractical
on a long, busy filming day...
You'd spill things, wouldn't you?
You'd spill things on your suit.
The last thing Jim would want to do
is serve other people food.
Well, I think it's very feasible
that an actor would do
that method thing, but I think Jim,
having heard him and met him,
he's such a cool cat,
I imagine he's the kind of guy,
rocks up on set,
gets handed the script,
quick skim-read
and then in the words of Snoop Dogg,
just drops it like it's hot.
LAUGHTER
I think he means it's a lie.
Do you know, thanks to you,
we're reaching a whole
different demographic.
LAUGHTER
So, they think it's a lie.
Jim, truth or lie?
I do drop it like it's hot,
because it is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it was a big, fat lie.
Jim doesn't remain in character
all day at Downton Abbey.
Jack, you're next.
I once hid a girl in my bed
whilst my entire family
came into the bedroom
to have a conversation with me.
Right. Lee.
Now, how old were you?
I was...er, 18.
And, bit of a nervy question -
how old was she?
15! No she was...
she was of age.
- Of age? - Yeah.
That could be...
- 44! - ..65...
No, she was just of a normal age.
What do you mean, a normal age?
That's a bit ageist, isn't it?
- For an 18-year-old boy.
- Are you saying that Rob's abnormal?
Well, yeah, if Rob was in my bed
it would be a bit weird, but...
I tell you what,
a lot easier to hide him.
Just pop him in a pillow case, throw
him over your shoulder, off you go.
LAUGHTER
So, you'd had a lovely tender time
with this young lady,
the next morning arrived,
the start of a whole new dawn.
And she was secreted, hidden,
under the duvet.
My dad comes in...
Knock, knock, knock.
- ..and I say, get under there.
- Under there.
And what did your dad say?
"No chance"?
LAUGHTER
I thought, I don't want to have to
have an awkward moment with my dad
introducing him to this girl,
so I said,
"Why don't you just
hide under there?"
Was she a very thin girl?
Because I would have thought
you would have seen
a body under a duvet.
You see, you don't understand
the kind of toggage
that I'm rocking back at home.
It was a very thick duvet,
like, yeah, plenty of...
- Was it winter?
- Yeah, it was winter,
but I get very cold at night.
There's nothing worse than
a heavy tog in the summer.
I hate it. I have two duvets within
the thing and I take them out.
So do I, so do I, I take one
away for the summer.
- Yeah. - Stick it back on
for the winter.
- It's a lovely way of doing it, if
any of you are unsure. - It's so good.
God, is it always
this boring, this show?
LAUGHTER
I'm just going to cut
to the chase here.
You two watch him very carefully
while I ask this question.
What was her name?
Yeah, well, that's no...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I can't, I can't say on TV.
- Oh, very good. - Why?
- I want to protect her modesty.
But did the whole family
come into your bedroom often?
- As I did that morning.
- Did they say, "Morning!"?
My dad will always come into my room
and he always brings in
the Telegraph and reads to me
little extracts that he's found.
And your mum's behind him
and your brother and sister,
"Oh, can we listen?"
What happened this one morning
was that my dad had received
a round robin, so he came in
to read me this letter.
I said, hide under the duvet,
then my mum came in
with a cup of tea,
and my dad was reading this letter
so he was like,
"Oh, Molly, Barnaby,
why don't you come in as well?"
Sounds like a rough family.
LAUGHTER
So, they were all round the bed and
she was sort of hidden under there.
It was quite a long letter as well,
- so I had to keep sort of giving her
a bit of air. - And then...
You were doing that, were you?
Is it a single bed or a double bed?
It's one of those ones
that's like a small double bed.
They're called single beds.
Single bed.
It was, yeah. It wasn't...
Is this the first time
that had happened?
Had you never been in that
situation before or...?
I'd brought a girl back before
but I'd been very careful
to sort of sneak her out
in the morning,
I'd like distracted my dad
and then you just go, go, go.
So that was the plan?
You were going to sneak
her out without anyone noticing.
Through the laundry chute?
I don't know what
a laundry chute is,
the butler normally just takes
it from the room.
That's true.
Sorry. No, but I was planning on
sort of sneaking out
and not having to deal with this
situation and at the end,
she was under there for too long.
I had to let her out.
Not let her out,
that sounded like...
She wanted to be there initially.
The only way you can conceal someone
lying under a duvet
is to lie on top of them
in exactly the same body shape
that they are, really.
Yeah. Well, I was sort of...
I'm like, it's sort of over her...
What the hell are you doing?
No, no, just so I could, you know,
I had a bit of my body on her.
I don't like humans touching me.
- LAUGHTER
- A bit of...
OK, so what do you think, Lee?
- I think - well, sorry,
Jim, what do you...? - True.
You think it's true.
I'm borderline true. Yeah, true.
Borderline true. Go on, then,
we'll go with true.
You're saying true.
OK, Jack Whitehall, were you telling
the truth or were you telling a lie?
- It is a true. - Scandalous.
Wow.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true. Jack did once hide
a girl in his bed
whilst his family
came into the bedroom
to have a conversation with him.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Benjie.
APPLAUSE
So, Emily, what is Benjie to you?
This is Benjie. He's helping me
to fulfil my recurring dream,
which is to do the splits.
LAUGHTER
Jack, how do you know Benjie?
This is Benjie and last year
he hypnotised me and a friend
so that we could watch
the Harry Potter films
as though we'd
never seen them before.
LAUGHTER
And finally, David.
Your relationship with Benjie?
This is my ice cream man, Benjie.
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's not, is it, David?
It really isn't.
This, as I say,
this is my ice cream man,
Benjie, and he calls me
Two Flakes, because...
LAUGHTER
Go on.
..because he always gives me
two flakes in my 99.
There we are.
Lee, where do you want to start?
Well, I'm going to start with Emily,
I want to establish exactly
what we're talking about here.
Is it a reoccurring dream you have
and want to get rid of the dream,
so he's helping you
somehow with that dream,
or it's a lifelong dream
to do the splits?
It's a recurring dream
and he's helping me
to get flexible enough. You need
to be, don't you, for the splits?
- So it's not to do with your mind,
it's to do with your body. - No, no.
He's trying to help you achieve
your goal of DOING the splits.
Yes, that's right.
What angle have you got to so far?
LAUGHTER
Erm...um, what,
right leg or left leg?
LAUGHTER
To produce an angle
you need both legs.
Trust me, that's my chat-up line.
LAUGHTER
If it was the box splits...
The box splits.
..which is where you're -
ta-da! Like, facing forwards.
- Yeah. - Not at all. - No.
If it's that way...
- Yeah. - Not bad. - All right.
That way...could do better.
So your best one is your right leg
forward and your left leg back?
Yeah, left leg, I think.
Great. Well, let's make it
easy for you. Do that one.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm not very... I can't,
but no, the point is...
What? What is the point?
The point is,
it's a recurring dream.
It's really weird.
I have a recurring dream with you
doing the splits in it as well.
LAUGHTER
I have one that I'm a piece
of cheese and a Womble's chasing me.
I don't wake up and go
to the nearest man and go,
"Could you dress as a Womble?
"I'll dress as a piece of cheese
and you chase me."
You don't then try and do it.
Maybe you should.
There are different sorts of dreams
though, aren't there?
There are dreams
you want to come true...
You're not going to break into song
again, are you, David?
LAUGHTER
So what's he teaching you to do?
Is it Pilates...?
Yeah, it's Pilates.
Don't give her multiple choice!
Have you had enough now of Emily?
Do you want to move on?
- Never have enough of Emily.
- All right.
David, can I ask you
a very mundane question?
How much does Benjie charge you
for a double flake 99?
He charges me ?1.50.
How much to the regular customer
is a double flake ice cream?
A double flake ice cream is not
available to the regular customer.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What went through your mind when...
Presumably there was
a time when he said,
"I'm not going to give you just one,
I'm going to give you two."
Basically my thoughts were a mixture
of pleasure and embarrassment.
Like in so many scenarios in my life.
How often is Benjie in your area?
I mean, how many times a week
does he service your street?
Benjie's ice cream van is often
parked at a certain place
where I am often passing. Where?
By Queen's Park in
north-west London.
Why are you regularly passing there?
Because I often walk that way
from my flat to the BBC.
Who effected the introduction,
David?
Who proffered the name Benjie,
I mean...?
Well, I...
Benjie proffered his own name.
Did he?
In what circumstances?
Benjie recognised me...
Oooh!
..in my capacity as someone
who has been on television.
Oooh!
And...
When were you on television?
LAUGHTER
Is it sad when summer's over?
Do you know when it's the last time
you and Benjie will be...
- No, I think...
- ..together for another year?
I think, thankfully,
it's never quite clear
which time will be the last time.
LAUGHTER
I think in a weird way, we're both
better off for not knowing.
Yeah.
So, just to be clear,
Benjie offered you two flakes once
because he's a big fan of your
estimable body of work, and...
That sentence wouldn't work
without "of work" at the end,
would it?
LAUGHTER
And then gave you the name.
You didn't say, "Oh, look at me,
I'm David Two Flakes".
You didn't do that.
He gave you the name.
No-one knows, Rob, better than you
how desperately keen I am to develop
some sort of catchphrase...
LAUGHTER
but in this scenario, I...
It wasn't me, no.
And I think, actually,
it wasn't the first time.
I wasn't given the name Two Flakes
by Benjie the first time.
Well, of course not.
That would be madness.
Probably the second or third.
Fourth or fifth, surely. You'd need
a pattern to have developed.
Some sort of pattern had developed.
Has he ever offered to put
anything else on your cone?
LAUGHTER
No, no.
OK, let's move on to Jack.
Jack, remind us again
of your connection.
Benjie hypnotised me and a friend
so that we could watch
the Harry Potter films like
we'd never seen them before.
So you've obviously seen...
what, you've seen them all?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a massive Pothead.
LAUGHTER
And, and you were so desperate
to watch them again that you got...
what, I mean...
he's obviously a professional
hypnotist or a friend who can do it.
Well, basically, last year when
Deathly Hallows Part 2 came out
and it was the end,
it was really sad,
and I was going through
quite a bad time
and I was also trying
to give up smoking,
and Benjie was actually
helping me with doing that
and we were talking about that and,
and I said, what else have you done?
You know, hypnotised other people
to do other things?
He said, yeah, well, he'd done it
to someone that had watched
Star Wars and enjoy that experience.
I was like, "That sounds amazing.
Could you do that for me
"and some friends
to watch Harry Potter?"
I think, after this show, people
will want to use his services.
LAUGHTER
When he's hypnotising you,
what happens?
He puts you into a transient state.
How? Is he dressed as a wizard?
LAUGHTER
How does he get you into
a transient state? What does he do?
- He talks to you, he relaxes you.
- What does he say?
- Well, I can't remember.
I was in a transient state.
- He's good, isn't he?
What's it going to be, Lee?
Who do you think it is?
I don't know. It's either...
It's either Two Flakes
or two legs, definitely.
Not Harry Potter, then?
I don't...
"Draco dormiens
nunquam titillandus."
LAUGHTER
Yeah... Oh!
Couple of Potheads in.
- That is, of course,
the Hogwarts school motto. - Right.
"Never tickle a sleeping dragon."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I tell you what, that's
a good memory, considering you've
technically only seen it once.
LAUGHTER
Right, we need an answer.
Lee's team.
Is Benjie Emily's splits teacher,
Jack's mind-wiping hypnotist,
or David's flaky friend?
What are you going to say?
Oh, this is tough,
because they're all so not true.
We'll go for the most ridiculous
answer. We'll go for Jack.
You're going for Jack.
You're saying it's Jack.
It's the hypnotist,
it's the Harry Pot... OK.
- So, Benjie...
- Emily, change it to Emily.
- Changing to Emily. - It's Emily.
- What are you saying?
You're saying it's Emily,
it's the splits.
Jack, we'll go for Jack.
Will we go for Jack?
LAUGHTER
I tell you what,
we'll just tell you!
It doesn't matter!
APPLAUSE
What are you saying?
- We'll go for Jack.
- Jack. Saying Jack. OK.
Right. Benjie, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Benjie and I've been helping
Emily achieve her dream
- of doing the splits. - Ohhh!
Wow, wow.
And the obvious next question is,
- would you be willing to give us
a quick splits? - Of course.
Whoa!
APPLAUSE
- Thank you very much, Benjie.
- Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.
We start with...
..David.
Last year I was forced to abandon
the purchase of a new armchair
mid-transaction,
because the shop assistant
used the terms
"well jel" and "amazeballs".
LAUGHTER
Right. I...
What does "well jel" and
"amazeballs" actually mean?
I don't know.
I wasn't asking you. Jack?
LAUGHTER
- Amazeballs. - I've never heard...
Have you heard...?
- Does "amazeballs" mean good? - Yeah.
- "Amazeballs" means good and
"well jel" is from TOWIE. - From what?
- From what? - Oh, shut up! You must
know what I'm talking about.
- You mean The Only Way Is Essex.
What does "well jel" mean? - Jealous!
So he's selling you an armchair.
What shop are you in, first of all?
It's a place on
the Kilburn High Road.
I don't know the name of it.
- That's fine, that's vague enough.
- Good. - OK.
It's like a sort of second-hand
furniture, junk, kind of place.
Course. Things aren't going well,
David, of course you're going
down Kilburn High Street
to buy a second-hand chair.
So he's trying
to sell you the chair...
No, I'm trying to buy the chair.
You're trying to buy it? Yeah.
In what context does he say
you're "well jel"?
He was talking on his mobile.
- But how did...? - To who?
- I don't know. - But are you saying
that you abandoned the transaction
because you were put off by his...?
I was put off...I mean,
by the poor customer service,
by not really understanding
a lot of what he was saying...
Was "amazeballs" part of
the transaction with you?
It sounds so wrong
coming out of your mouth!
What sort of chair was it?
A Chesterfield? A low-back chair?
Is there a Chesterfield chair?
I thought that was a sofa.
No! Well done. I was testing you.
Oh, good. The armchair round
I've been hoping for!
LAUGHTER
So what are you going to say, Lee?
Is he telling the truth?
What do we think?
I think... I think this has got
the ring of truth about it.
He wouldn't be able to cope
with a conversation with "OMG"
and "amazeballs" and
"well jel" in it.
- I think it would physically upset
him. - Physically upset him.
But did you leave specifically
cos he said "amazeballs"?
Was that the problem and you just
thought, "I've had enough"?
It was the fact he was
talking on the phone,
saying things I didn't understand.
The fact that I was just
in general stressed
at talking to someone I hadn't
been formally introduced to.
LAUGHTER
So what's it going to be?
- You're saying a lie,
you're saying true. - True.
I'm going to say...
LAUGHTER
..lie.
You're saying it's a lie. David,
is it the truth or is it a lie?
It is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Last year, David didn't abandon
the purchase of a new armchair
because the shop assistant
used the terms
"well jel" and "amazeballs".
Next.
- It's Armando. - Oh.
I once had to abandon
my car in a safari park
after a baboon climbed
through the sunroof,
lay down on the back seat
and fell asleep.
LAUGHTER
OK, so where in
the safari park is the car?
In the lion enclosure(!)
LAUGHTER
Where...where in
the safari park is the car?
- It's... - Where do you think it is?!
In the baboon area!
Are you answering for that team?
It could have been in the car park...
Well, it's such a stupid question!
In the car park?!
What would the baboon
be doing in the car park?
- The baboon... - Yes?
..may have escaped!
But you can assume
it wasn't the car park.
I'm not saying the answer "the baboon
enclosure" would have amazed me...
But do you wonder, perhaps...
I didn't expect
to have to defend myself
to this extent with that question!
Well, it was a stupid question!
Where do you think he was,
the gift shop?!
Well if it...
if it's a stupid question,
cut it out in the edit!
No, it'll be left in to show you...
Where?!
..what a charlatan you are!
Where in the safari park
was your car?
The baboon area!
Thank you. As I suspected.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, so anyway,
back to where we were now. You...
Where were we?
In the baboon area!
LAUGHTER
So, why was the sunroof open?
- It wasn't, it wasn't.
- Let me mime it for you.
Why was the sunroof open?
Is that how you think
sunroofs work nowadays?
< EMILY: When was the last time
you had a car?
Why don't we all open our sunroof?
Let's get the audience opening
their sunroof as well.
Come on, let's all open
our sunroof together.
Emily, open your sunroof, girl.
Sorry. I'm sorry, it's still
a bit hot in here.
Shall we open the windows?
LAUGHTER
I...
Baboon!
You know, quite genuinely,
I can't drive a car.
In my childhood we had a sunroof,
you opened it like that.
Now you open them like this.
LAUGHTER
Rob puts his hand up and
says to the chauffeur,
"Can you open the sunroof?"
Anyway, why was the sunroof open?
Well, we didn't realise it was open.
- Right. - That's what
we did in our car.
You're as bad as each other,
you two, aren't you?
Sunroof isn't there, is it?
You've just opened the boot
and let the baboon in.
So you're in there, you didn't
know that the sunroof was open.
- No. - What happened next?
- It was a hot day...
Hot day, of course.
..and the air conditioning
wasn't very good,
and we had young kids
in the back, and...
And an extra one suddenly!
LAUGHTER
We had had the sunroof open,
we thought we'd shut it,
and it turned out later it was
still open by about that much.
So the sunroof's open that amount.
- You're driving slowly... - Slowly.
- ..slowly through
the baboon enclosure. - Yes.
The kids are in the back.
Yes.
And you didn't SEE the baboon?
So this is a stealth baboon?
LAUGHTER
- What alerted you to its presence?
- As we were leaving
- the baboon area...
Where were you going?
We were going to the giraffe area,
and you can actually get out
and feed the giraffes.
- Right. - But my wife,
who was driving,
just suddenly looked in the mirror
and said, "Arm..."
I'm known as Arm at home.
- Arm? - Arm. - Oh, of course, yeah.
I thought you meant
cos she had no arms.
Sorry, go on. She wouldn't have
been driving, would she?
"It's a baboon!
"Can't you see I'm driving?"
She wouldn't be able
to open the sunroof either.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"You deal with it, Arm! Bloody Arm."
"Arm, what's that!" And I turned
round and saw a sleeping baboon.
And your kids are in the back
as well. How many children?
How did they not notice?
It was a six...seven-seater.
- They always want to go right
at the back. - Ah, so there was
- a whole middle tier for baboons.
- For baboons.
Your kids didn't notice
a baboon crawling in?
- Of course they noticed!
- But they didn't say anything.
- They were loving it!
They're saying, "Don't tell them!
They'll hate the baboon.
"For some reason, they're against
wild animals in the car!"
If you're four and two
and an animal gets in your car and
sits and sleeps in front of you...
They're getting
the big purple backside.
This, for them...
They're at the back. They're going,
"This 3D film's brilliant!"
LAUGHTER
And, how did this
all resolve itself?
Well, fortunately, the next
enclosure was the giraffe enclosure
and you can get out
and there were people there.
- And the giraffe ate the baboon.
- Giraffes and zebras.
LAUGHTER
- One of the warders... - Yes.
Jim's giving us a lovely giraffe.
So one of the warders came and what,
did they shoo it out?
Both doors opened, they slid open,
and it just scarpered out.
What are you thinking?
We need a decision,
truth or lie. What do you say?
What do you think, Emily?
I think it's true.
Do you have a clue, Jack?
- I think it might be true.
It's pretty detailed.
- I think we're going to say true.
- You're going to say true, yeah?
- Yeah.
You're going to say true.
Armando, truth or lie?
It was all a big lie.
APPLAUSE
Of course it's a lie.
Putting a baboon
through a sunroof...
is the brand new gameshow
next on ITV2.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
Wow. >
APPLAUSE
And my individual liar of the week
this week is Jim Carter.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, Jim Carter.
Honestly, he's so dishonest,
he'd steal the shirt off your back.
Then iron it and
lay it out on the bed
with the rest of your morning suit.
Good night.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where it's fine to fib.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
she says she'd rather be known
for her journalism
than her glamorous dress sense.
Well, I'd rather be known
for my comedy
than for being a world class lover,
but we play the hand we're dealt.
It's Emily Maitlis.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And I'm not saying
he went to a posh school,
but the kids who had a packed lunch
brought it in a hamper.
From Fresh Meat and
Hit The Road Jack, Jack Whitehall.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's Carson the butler
in Downton Abbey,
a show that's meticulous in its
attention to historical accuracy,
even down to the colour
of Lord Grantham's iPad.
It's Jim Carter.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And he's won so many BAFTAs,
he's the first man in Britain
ever to finish a tin of Brasso.
It's the satirist and broadcaster
Armando Iannucci.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Jim, you're first up,
so would you please reveal all?
Right.
As a method actor,
on the set of Downton Abbey
I like to remain
in character all day
and even help serve lunch
to the cast and the crew as Carson.
LAUGHTER
There we are, David.
What do you think?
Right. My immediate question is,
I think on a big set
like Downton Abbey
with a lot of high profile stars
like Maggie Smith,
there'd be an insurance issue with
unqualified caterers serving lunch.
LAUGHTER
Nobody's ever told me
there's an insurance issue.
I don't do Maggie,
I have to say. Maggie...
LAUGHTER
Do you bring her her food, then?
LAUGHTER
I don't serve Maggie her food.
What I do is, I bring the food
to the people on the dining bus,
rather than go round to individual
caravans or changing rooms.
Why do you think that
helps your performance?
It just helps me
stay in character somehow.
I don't like to switch off.
I lose concentration
if I switch off,
so I just try to stay with it.
It's tricky when you're serving
things out of polystyrene,
on polystyrene plates,
but it just helps me.
I was going to say, if you want
to inhabit the mind of the Edwardian
or First World War butler
and you say,
"I am that person,
I am that person,"
then suddenly there's a camera,
an HD camera and a boom
in front of you,
aren't you going to scream,
"Witchcraft, witchcraft"?
"What is this madness?
The aliens are here."
LAUGHTER
No, I wouldn't dream of doing that
cos I'm in the bubble, you know,
so I don't notice those things.
Do you do it with every role
that you play?
If you were doing a film about, say,
a man that liked wearing
women's underwear,
you would be committed
to wearing women's underwear
for the whole shoot?
You're the only person
who's seen that film, Jack.
LAUGHTER
But you're a dresser,
obviously, so you would,
you would dress all the male members
of the cast that you tend to.
I'm a butler, madam. A dresser?!
I mean, there are scenes
in which you help Lord Grantham
on with his pants.
Yeah, that's when the other valets
have disappeared or are in jail
or being accused of murder
and things like that.
Yeah, which is most weeks!
It's only in extremis
that I do the cufflinks.
A butler will sometimes do that,
I can vouch for that.
LAUGHTER
I think the problem with you, Jim,
is you've got such a lovely voice,
everybody's happy just sat there,
just sat there like this.
Yeah, you flounder in
such an authoritative way.
Viewers will be pleased to know
that Jim's answer
is now available as an audio book.
LAUGHTER
That method acting thing,
though, is true. I met someone
recently that was in Hollyoaks,
and they were really stupid
in real life as well.
LAUGHTER
They do, they do it all the time.
I knew someone in Hollyoaks,
and his granny used to watch
every episode and he said,
"Granny, you really...
please don't."
So what he did was,
if it was his last scene
of the episode, he'd go like that,
and that was,
Granny could switch off then,
cos she knew he wasn't
in it any more.
So what do you think, David?
I don't think it's true.
I think it's the sort of thing
people make up about actors,
and I think in this instance
it'd be very impractical
on a long, busy filming day...
You'd spill things, wouldn't you?
You'd spill things on your suit.
The last thing Jim would want to do
is serve other people food.
Well, I think it's very feasible
that an actor would do
that method thing, but I think Jim,
having heard him and met him,
he's such a cool cat,
I imagine he's the kind of guy,
rocks up on set,
gets handed the script,
quick skim-read
and then in the words of Snoop Dogg,
just drops it like it's hot.
LAUGHTER
I think he means it's a lie.
Do you know, thanks to you,
we're reaching a whole
different demographic.
LAUGHTER
So, they think it's a lie.
Jim, truth or lie?
I do drop it like it's hot,
because it is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it was a big, fat lie.
Jim doesn't remain in character
all day at Downton Abbey.
Jack, you're next.
I once hid a girl in my bed
whilst my entire family
came into the bedroom
to have a conversation with me.
Right. Lee.
Now, how old were you?
I was...er, 18.
And, bit of a nervy question -
how old was she?
15! No she was...
she was of age.
- Of age? - Yeah.
That could be...
- 44! - ..65...
No, she was just of a normal age.
What do you mean, a normal age?
That's a bit ageist, isn't it?
- For an 18-year-old boy.
- Are you saying that Rob's abnormal?
Well, yeah, if Rob was in my bed
it would be a bit weird, but...
I tell you what,
a lot easier to hide him.
Just pop him in a pillow case, throw
him over your shoulder, off you go.
LAUGHTER
So, you'd had a lovely tender time
with this young lady,
the next morning arrived,
the start of a whole new dawn.
And she was secreted, hidden,
under the duvet.
My dad comes in...
Knock, knock, knock.
- ..and I say, get under there.
- Under there.
And what did your dad say?
"No chance"?
LAUGHTER
I thought, I don't want to have to
have an awkward moment with my dad
introducing him to this girl,
so I said,
"Why don't you just
hide under there?"
Was she a very thin girl?
Because I would have thought
you would have seen
a body under a duvet.
You see, you don't understand
the kind of toggage
that I'm rocking back at home.
It was a very thick duvet,
like, yeah, plenty of...
- Was it winter?
- Yeah, it was winter,
but I get very cold at night.
There's nothing worse than
a heavy tog in the summer.
I hate it. I have two duvets within
the thing and I take them out.
So do I, so do I, I take one
away for the summer.
- Yeah. - Stick it back on
for the winter.
- It's a lovely way of doing it, if
any of you are unsure. - It's so good.
God, is it always
this boring, this show?
LAUGHTER
I'm just going to cut
to the chase here.
You two watch him very carefully
while I ask this question.
What was her name?
Yeah, well, that's no...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I can't, I can't say on TV.
- Oh, very good. - Why?
- I want to protect her modesty.
But did the whole family
come into your bedroom often?
- As I did that morning.
- Did they say, "Morning!"?
My dad will always come into my room
and he always brings in
the Telegraph and reads to me
little extracts that he's found.
And your mum's behind him
and your brother and sister,
"Oh, can we listen?"
What happened this one morning
was that my dad had received
a round robin, so he came in
to read me this letter.
I said, hide under the duvet,
then my mum came in
with a cup of tea,
and my dad was reading this letter
so he was like,
"Oh, Molly, Barnaby,
why don't you come in as well?"
Sounds like a rough family.
LAUGHTER
So, they were all round the bed and
she was sort of hidden under there.
It was quite a long letter as well,
- so I had to keep sort of giving her
a bit of air. - And then...
You were doing that, were you?
Is it a single bed or a double bed?
It's one of those ones
that's like a small double bed.
They're called single beds.
Single bed.
It was, yeah. It wasn't...
Is this the first time
that had happened?
Had you never been in that
situation before or...?
I'd brought a girl back before
but I'd been very careful
to sort of sneak her out
in the morning,
I'd like distracted my dad
and then you just go, go, go.
So that was the plan?
You were going to sneak
her out without anyone noticing.
Through the laundry chute?
I don't know what
a laundry chute is,
the butler normally just takes
it from the room.
That's true.
Sorry. No, but I was planning on
sort of sneaking out
and not having to deal with this
situation and at the end,
she was under there for too long.
I had to let her out.
Not let her out,
that sounded like...
She wanted to be there initially.
The only way you can conceal someone
lying under a duvet
is to lie on top of them
in exactly the same body shape
that they are, really.
Yeah. Well, I was sort of...
I'm like, it's sort of over her...
What the hell are you doing?
No, no, just so I could, you know,
I had a bit of my body on her.
I don't like humans touching me.
- LAUGHTER
- A bit of...
OK, so what do you think, Lee?
- I think - well, sorry,
Jim, what do you...? - True.
You think it's true.
I'm borderline true. Yeah, true.
Borderline true. Go on, then,
we'll go with true.
You're saying true.
OK, Jack Whitehall, were you telling
the truth or were you telling a lie?
- It is a true. - Scandalous.
Wow.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true. Jack did once hide
a girl in his bed
whilst his family
came into the bedroom
to have a conversation with him.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Benjie.
APPLAUSE
So, Emily, what is Benjie to you?
This is Benjie. He's helping me
to fulfil my recurring dream,
which is to do the splits.
LAUGHTER
Jack, how do you know Benjie?
This is Benjie and last year
he hypnotised me and a friend
so that we could watch
the Harry Potter films
as though we'd
never seen them before.
LAUGHTER
And finally, David.
Your relationship with Benjie?
This is my ice cream man, Benjie.
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's not, is it, David?
It really isn't.
This, as I say,
this is my ice cream man,
Benjie, and he calls me
Two Flakes, because...
LAUGHTER
Go on.
..because he always gives me
two flakes in my 99.
There we are.
Lee, where do you want to start?
Well, I'm going to start with Emily,
I want to establish exactly
what we're talking about here.
Is it a reoccurring dream you have
and want to get rid of the dream,
so he's helping you
somehow with that dream,
or it's a lifelong dream
to do the splits?
It's a recurring dream
and he's helping me
to get flexible enough. You need
to be, don't you, for the splits?
- So it's not to do with your mind,
it's to do with your body. - No, no.
He's trying to help you achieve
your goal of DOING the splits.
Yes, that's right.
What angle have you got to so far?
LAUGHTER
Erm...um, what,
right leg or left leg?
LAUGHTER
To produce an angle
you need both legs.
Trust me, that's my chat-up line.
LAUGHTER
If it was the box splits...
The box splits.
..which is where you're -
ta-da! Like, facing forwards.
- Yeah. - Not at all. - No.
If it's that way...
- Yeah. - Not bad. - All right.
That way...could do better.
So your best one is your right leg
forward and your left leg back?
Yeah, left leg, I think.
Great. Well, let's make it
easy for you. Do that one.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm not very... I can't,
but no, the point is...
What? What is the point?
The point is,
it's a recurring dream.
It's really weird.
I have a recurring dream with you
doing the splits in it as well.
LAUGHTER
I have one that I'm a piece
of cheese and a Womble's chasing me.
I don't wake up and go
to the nearest man and go,
"Could you dress as a Womble?
"I'll dress as a piece of cheese
and you chase me."
You don't then try and do it.
Maybe you should.
There are different sorts of dreams
though, aren't there?
There are dreams
you want to come true...
You're not going to break into song
again, are you, David?
LAUGHTER
So what's he teaching you to do?
Is it Pilates...?
Yeah, it's Pilates.
Don't give her multiple choice!
Have you had enough now of Emily?
Do you want to move on?
- Never have enough of Emily.
- All right.
David, can I ask you
a very mundane question?
How much does Benjie charge you
for a double flake 99?
He charges me ?1.50.
How much to the regular customer
is a double flake ice cream?
A double flake ice cream is not
available to the regular customer.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What went through your mind when...
Presumably there was
a time when he said,
"I'm not going to give you just one,
I'm going to give you two."
Basically my thoughts were a mixture
of pleasure and embarrassment.
Like in so many scenarios in my life.
How often is Benjie in your area?
I mean, how many times a week
does he service your street?
Benjie's ice cream van is often
parked at a certain place
where I am often passing. Where?
By Queen's Park in
north-west London.
Why are you regularly passing there?
Because I often walk that way
from my flat to the BBC.
Who effected the introduction,
David?
Who proffered the name Benjie,
I mean...?
Well, I...
Benjie proffered his own name.
Did he?
In what circumstances?
Benjie recognised me...
Oooh!
..in my capacity as someone
who has been on television.
Oooh!
And...
When were you on television?
LAUGHTER
Is it sad when summer's over?
Do you know when it's the last time
you and Benjie will be...
- No, I think...
- ..together for another year?
I think, thankfully,
it's never quite clear
which time will be the last time.
LAUGHTER
I think in a weird way, we're both
better off for not knowing.
Yeah.
So, just to be clear,
Benjie offered you two flakes once
because he's a big fan of your
estimable body of work, and...
That sentence wouldn't work
without "of work" at the end,
would it?
LAUGHTER
And then gave you the name.
You didn't say, "Oh, look at me,
I'm David Two Flakes".
You didn't do that.
He gave you the name.
No-one knows, Rob, better than you
how desperately keen I am to develop
some sort of catchphrase...
LAUGHTER
but in this scenario, I...
It wasn't me, no.
And I think, actually,
it wasn't the first time.
I wasn't given the name Two Flakes
by Benjie the first time.
Well, of course not.
That would be madness.
Probably the second or third.
Fourth or fifth, surely. You'd need
a pattern to have developed.
Some sort of pattern had developed.
Has he ever offered to put
anything else on your cone?
LAUGHTER
No, no.
OK, let's move on to Jack.
Jack, remind us again
of your connection.
Benjie hypnotised me and a friend
so that we could watch
the Harry Potter films like
we'd never seen them before.
So you've obviously seen...
what, you've seen them all?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a massive Pothead.
LAUGHTER
And, and you were so desperate
to watch them again that you got...
what, I mean...
he's obviously a professional
hypnotist or a friend who can do it.
Well, basically, last year when
Deathly Hallows Part 2 came out
and it was the end,
it was really sad,
and I was going through
quite a bad time
and I was also trying
to give up smoking,
and Benjie was actually
helping me with doing that
and we were talking about that and,
and I said, what else have you done?
You know, hypnotised other people
to do other things?
He said, yeah, well, he'd done it
to someone that had watched
Star Wars and enjoy that experience.
I was like, "That sounds amazing.
Could you do that for me
"and some friends
to watch Harry Potter?"
I think, after this show, people
will want to use his services.
LAUGHTER
When he's hypnotising you,
what happens?
He puts you into a transient state.
How? Is he dressed as a wizard?
LAUGHTER
How does he get you into
a transient state? What does he do?
- He talks to you, he relaxes you.
- What does he say?
- Well, I can't remember.
I was in a transient state.
- He's good, isn't he?
What's it going to be, Lee?
Who do you think it is?
I don't know. It's either...
It's either Two Flakes
or two legs, definitely.
Not Harry Potter, then?
I don't...
"Draco dormiens
nunquam titillandus."
LAUGHTER
Yeah... Oh!
Couple of Potheads in.
- That is, of course,
the Hogwarts school motto. - Right.
"Never tickle a sleeping dragon."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I tell you what, that's
a good memory, considering you've
technically only seen it once.
LAUGHTER
Right, we need an answer.
Lee's team.
Is Benjie Emily's splits teacher,
Jack's mind-wiping hypnotist,
or David's flaky friend?
What are you going to say?
Oh, this is tough,
because they're all so not true.
We'll go for the most ridiculous
answer. We'll go for Jack.
You're going for Jack.
You're saying it's Jack.
It's the hypnotist,
it's the Harry Pot... OK.
- So, Benjie...
- Emily, change it to Emily.
- Changing to Emily. - It's Emily.
- What are you saying?
You're saying it's Emily,
it's the splits.
Jack, we'll go for Jack.
Will we go for Jack?
LAUGHTER
I tell you what,
we'll just tell you!
It doesn't matter!
APPLAUSE
What are you saying?
- We'll go for Jack.
- Jack. Saying Jack. OK.
Right. Benjie, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Benjie and I've been helping
Emily achieve her dream
- of doing the splits. - Ohhh!
Wow, wow.
And the obvious next question is,
- would you be willing to give us
a quick splits? - Of course.
Whoa!
APPLAUSE
- Thank you very much, Benjie.
- Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.
We start with...
..David.
Last year I was forced to abandon
the purchase of a new armchair
mid-transaction,
because the shop assistant
used the terms
"well jel" and "amazeballs".
LAUGHTER
Right. I...
What does "well jel" and
"amazeballs" actually mean?
I don't know.
I wasn't asking you. Jack?
LAUGHTER
- Amazeballs. - I've never heard...
Have you heard...?
- Does "amazeballs" mean good? - Yeah.
- "Amazeballs" means good and
"well jel" is from TOWIE. - From what?
- From what? - Oh, shut up! You must
know what I'm talking about.
- You mean The Only Way Is Essex.
What does "well jel" mean? - Jealous!
So he's selling you an armchair.
What shop are you in, first of all?
It's a place on
the Kilburn High Road.
I don't know the name of it.
- That's fine, that's vague enough.
- Good. - OK.
It's like a sort of second-hand
furniture, junk, kind of place.
Course. Things aren't going well,
David, of course you're going
down Kilburn High Street
to buy a second-hand chair.
So he's trying
to sell you the chair...
No, I'm trying to buy the chair.
You're trying to buy it? Yeah.
In what context does he say
you're "well jel"?
He was talking on his mobile.
- But how did...? - To who?
- I don't know. - But are you saying
that you abandoned the transaction
because you were put off by his...?
I was put off...I mean,
by the poor customer service,
by not really understanding
a lot of what he was saying...
Was "amazeballs" part of
the transaction with you?
It sounds so wrong
coming out of your mouth!
What sort of chair was it?
A Chesterfield? A low-back chair?
Is there a Chesterfield chair?
I thought that was a sofa.
No! Well done. I was testing you.
Oh, good. The armchair round
I've been hoping for!
LAUGHTER
So what are you going to say, Lee?
Is he telling the truth?
What do we think?
I think... I think this has got
the ring of truth about it.
He wouldn't be able to cope
with a conversation with "OMG"
and "amazeballs" and
"well jel" in it.
- I think it would physically upset
him. - Physically upset him.
But did you leave specifically
cos he said "amazeballs"?
Was that the problem and you just
thought, "I've had enough"?
It was the fact he was
talking on the phone,
saying things I didn't understand.
The fact that I was just
in general stressed
at talking to someone I hadn't
been formally introduced to.
LAUGHTER
So what's it going to be?
- You're saying a lie,
you're saying true. - True.
I'm going to say...
LAUGHTER
..lie.
You're saying it's a lie. David,
is it the truth or is it a lie?
It is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Last year, David didn't abandon
the purchase of a new armchair
because the shop assistant
used the terms
"well jel" and "amazeballs".
Next.
- It's Armando. - Oh.
I once had to abandon
my car in a safari park
after a baboon climbed
through the sunroof,
lay down on the back seat
and fell asleep.
LAUGHTER
OK, so where in
the safari park is the car?
In the lion enclosure(!)
LAUGHTER
Where...where in
the safari park is the car?
- It's... - Where do you think it is?!
In the baboon area!
Are you answering for that team?
It could have been in the car park...
Well, it's such a stupid question!
In the car park?!
What would the baboon
be doing in the car park?
- The baboon... - Yes?
..may have escaped!
But you can assume
it wasn't the car park.
I'm not saying the answer "the baboon
enclosure" would have amazed me...
But do you wonder, perhaps...
I didn't expect
to have to defend myself
to this extent with that question!
Well, it was a stupid question!
Where do you think he was,
the gift shop?!
Well if it...
if it's a stupid question,
cut it out in the edit!
No, it'll be left in to show you...
Where?!
..what a charlatan you are!
Where in the safari park
was your car?
The baboon area!
Thank you. As I suspected.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, so anyway,
back to where we were now. You...
Where were we?
In the baboon area!
LAUGHTER
So, why was the sunroof open?
- It wasn't, it wasn't.
- Let me mime it for you.
Why was the sunroof open?
Is that how you think
sunroofs work nowadays?
< EMILY: When was the last time
you had a car?
Why don't we all open our sunroof?
Let's get the audience opening
their sunroof as well.
Come on, let's all open
our sunroof together.
Emily, open your sunroof, girl.
Sorry. I'm sorry, it's still
a bit hot in here.
Shall we open the windows?
LAUGHTER
I...
Baboon!
You know, quite genuinely,
I can't drive a car.
In my childhood we had a sunroof,
you opened it like that.
Now you open them like this.
LAUGHTER
Rob puts his hand up and
says to the chauffeur,
"Can you open the sunroof?"
Anyway, why was the sunroof open?
Well, we didn't realise it was open.
- Right. - That's what
we did in our car.
You're as bad as each other,
you two, aren't you?
Sunroof isn't there, is it?
You've just opened the boot
and let the baboon in.
So you're in there, you didn't
know that the sunroof was open.
- No. - What happened next?
- It was a hot day...
Hot day, of course.
..and the air conditioning
wasn't very good,
and we had young kids
in the back, and...
And an extra one suddenly!
LAUGHTER
We had had the sunroof open,
we thought we'd shut it,
and it turned out later it was
still open by about that much.
So the sunroof's open that amount.
- You're driving slowly... - Slowly.
- ..slowly through
the baboon enclosure. - Yes.
The kids are in the back.
Yes.
And you didn't SEE the baboon?
So this is a stealth baboon?
LAUGHTER
- What alerted you to its presence?
- As we were leaving
- the baboon area...
Where were you going?
We were going to the giraffe area,
and you can actually get out
and feed the giraffes.
- Right. - But my wife,
who was driving,
just suddenly looked in the mirror
and said, "Arm..."
I'm known as Arm at home.
- Arm? - Arm. - Oh, of course, yeah.
I thought you meant
cos she had no arms.
Sorry, go on. She wouldn't have
been driving, would she?
"It's a baboon!
"Can't you see I'm driving?"
She wouldn't be able
to open the sunroof either.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"You deal with it, Arm! Bloody Arm."
"Arm, what's that!" And I turned
round and saw a sleeping baboon.
And your kids are in the back
as well. How many children?
How did they not notice?
It was a six...seven-seater.
- They always want to go right
at the back. - Ah, so there was
- a whole middle tier for baboons.
- For baboons.
Your kids didn't notice
a baboon crawling in?
- Of course they noticed!
- But they didn't say anything.
- They were loving it!
They're saying, "Don't tell them!
They'll hate the baboon.
"For some reason, they're against
wild animals in the car!"
If you're four and two
and an animal gets in your car and
sits and sleeps in front of you...
They're getting
the big purple backside.
This, for them...
They're at the back. They're going,
"This 3D film's brilliant!"
LAUGHTER
And, how did this
all resolve itself?
Well, fortunately, the next
enclosure was the giraffe enclosure
and you can get out
and there were people there.
- And the giraffe ate the baboon.
- Giraffes and zebras.
LAUGHTER
- One of the warders... - Yes.
Jim's giving us a lovely giraffe.
So one of the warders came and what,
did they shoo it out?
Both doors opened, they slid open,
and it just scarpered out.
What are you thinking?
We need a decision,
truth or lie. What do you say?
What do you think, Emily?
I think it's true.
Do you have a clue, Jack?
- I think it might be true.
It's pretty detailed.
- I think we're going to say true.
- You're going to say true, yeah?
- Yeah.
You're going to say true.
Armando, truth or lie?
It was all a big lie.
APPLAUSE
Of course it's a lie.
Putting a baboon
through a sunroof...
is the brand new gameshow
next on ITV2.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by 3 points to 2.
Wow. >
APPLAUSE
And my individual liar of the week
this week is Jim Carter.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, Jim Carter.
Honestly, he's so dishonest,
he'd steal the shirt off your back.
Then iron it and
lay it out on the bed
with the rest of your morning suit.
Good night.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd