Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - Episode #6.6 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Good evening,
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where being
a fraud gets a reward.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a man named Richard, who's an
adjudicator on a BBC One quiz show,
so when I call him Clever Dick,
I'm being factual, not rude.
From Pointless, Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And a comedian and actor
whose distinctive looks
can only be described
as when Goliath ate Rik Mayall.
It's Greg Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian who once told me
he was as sane and normal
as the next man,
although at the time,
he was standing next to Vic Reeves.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And in Holby City, she murdered
people, had affairs with doctors,
got pregnant,
and was attacked by patients.
It really was quite an episode.
It's Patsy Kensit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And we start with Round One,
it's Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Greg is first up,
Greg, would you reveal all?
At school, I invented a game called
Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
LAUGHTER
There we are.
Lee's team, what do you think?
- What was the game called again?
- Umm...
LAUGHTER
It was called
Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
Right,
and can you describe the game to us?
Myself and several friends
we all had snorkel parkas.
- What is a snorkel parka? - Yeah.
- For some of the younger viewers?
It's a, it, it's a large hooded coat
with a fur-lined collar.
- Oh, the one that comes out
at the front? - Yeah. - And it's fur.
And you can, you can zip it up
so that it comes right up,
and, so that
only your eyes are visible.
- Right. - Can you describe the rules,
imagine we've never met.
I've got my snorkel parka,
what would happen next?
Well, then you and I, Lee, will go
to the music practice room when...
I'm not falling for this again.
LAUGHTER
And you zip up your snorkel parka,
and then you,
- when someone's practising their
violin with the violin teacher
in the music practice room... - Yeah.
You duck down below the window,
and then you just come up
with your snorkel parka on.
LAUGHTER
So just imagine you're
a historical re-enactment society.
- All right.
- You've got your members there.
- I suppose, I suppose...
- How would you...
I'd have to fully demonstrate it
with, by using my, um,
making an ad hoc snorkel parka.
- Feel free to ask Richard and David
to help you out on this. - Will you
help me out with this? - Um...
Well, I...I... you see this is one
of the moments where...
LAUGHTER
I don't like having to...
LAUGHTER
- All right. - Want to do it?
- Yeah, all right, yeah.
ROB LAUGHS
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We'll probably have to go...
Below our desks. Like this.
Below our desks. Right.
So if, so if you imagine this was
the music practice room and...
And there was some,
someone in there having a lunchtime,
a lunchtime violin lesson.
- Yeah. - You, you would wait until they
were in mid-tutorial and then...
- Right, I'm picturing it, yeah.
- And then together... - Yeah?
- After three. - OK.
One, two, three...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
- Ah... - That's it, really.
LAUGHTER
Was the secret to the game that they
never knew who you were,
cos you were...
They wouldn't know cos
it's only your eyes showing,
- and they'd tell you to go away, so
you'd duck down, and then leave it
a minute... - And come back up. - Yeah.
- What age were you? - Maybe...
Please tell me you weren't
one of the teachers.
LAUGHTER
- Maybe 13, 14. - Right the way
through till when you left?
- Right through till sixth form, yeah.
You never got told to stop this,
or you got a...?
Yeah, well, they'd bang
on the window and be really furious
with us. Then we'd...
For five years,
they were banging on the window.
They never once thought to come out,
and say, "Lads,
it's getting really boring."
- LAUGHTER
- But you see...
I know who you are, Greg,
because you're eight foot six.
LAUGHTER
But just out of interest, by show of
hands, who would like to play
Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room?
I will.
Yeah.
I'm quite keen on the game.
I've, I've already played it,
I didn't really enjoy it.
PATSY LAUGHS
- It sounds ridiculous,
I mean the last time I... - It does
sound utterly ridiculous, Greg.
It's almost as if you're lying.
LAUGHTER
- Do you think he is lying, Lee? What
are you going to say on this one?
- Well, I actually believe him.
I could just see you doing that for,
for kicks and giggles.
Bob, which way are you
leaning with this?
Well, it's got the anticipation,
it's got the jeopardy,
it's got the lot. Yeah. What a game!
Something tells me you're going to
get a phone call from Waddington's.
LAUGHTER
If this gets picked up,
just cos I've talked about it,
it's mine, right?
Only if you really played it.
If it's a lie,
if you haven't copyrighted it...
- If it's a lie and I've just read it
off this thing, whose idea is it?
- I'm... The person who wrote the lie.
I'd like to,
I'd like to maintain the rights
to Balaclava Sports Hall.
LAUGHTER
If... Yeah.
- If anyone's interested.
- Right, Lee, it's time to take
- a guess, what are you going to say?
- We're going for true.
- You're saying it's true, OK.
- Greg, were you telling the truth?
- Well... - Or were you telling a lie?
Well, right, because that would make
me utterly pathetic, wouldn't it?
Yes, I was telling the truth.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, it's true,
Greg did invent a game
called Snorkel Parka
Music Practice Room.
At school, Greg was very popular
with the other pupils,
not surprising really,
considering they'd created him
in a science lesson.
LAUGHTER
Richard, you're next.
I once buried a badger with
The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.
Lee's team.
I know the programme,
but who is that, who is the...
We never hear The Banker, do we?
No, I'm not allowed to tell you,
if I told you, I'd have to bury you
alongside the badger, I'm afraid.
Oh, so the badger found out,
is that what happened to him?
LAUGHTER
What's burying the badger
a euphemism for?
LAUGHTER
- This banker. - Mm-hmm.
- Can you describe him to me, please?
Yes, I could do.
LAUGHTER
He's just a guy like you and I,
somewhere in between you and I.
Well, which one is it?
- Somewhere in the middle.
- Why do you know the guy from...?
I've known him, I, way back when I,
- I used to be the producer
of Deal Or No Deal.
- Right, and what's his name?
- Er... He is called The Banker.
- No, what's his real name? - I can't
tell you what his real name is.
It's on the credits of the show.
LAUGHTER
- Tell us! What does it
say on the credits of the show?
- It says, "The Banker as himself."
- Why was the badger dead? - Yeah.
- Er... We hit it with a car,
unfortunately. - What were you doing
in a car with him?
Er... About 70?
LAUGHTER
Ha!
BOB LAUGHS
We were on holiday together.
- Where were you on holiday? - Er...
Badger country, Cornwall.
GREG: Was Edmonds there? Sorry,
I'm not part of this am I? Sorry.
It's a good question, though, Greg,
was Noel there?
- No, it was a holiday. - Can I...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
ROB LAUGHS
Before you buried the badger,
did you put him in a box,
and then there's loads
of other empty boxes,
and you had to choose
which box was...
Dead squirrel, wrong box.
- PATSY: I think it's very sad that
the badger died and everything. - Yes.
- But why so much trouble to dig
the grave? - Because
- The Banker's wife was with us.
Oh. Can you tell us her name,
or does she work for...
- I can say her name. - Does she work
for the Iranian government?
LAUGHTER
What is the name of The Banker?
PATSY LAUGHS
Was this during the day or,
or of the evening?
- It was, it was late at night.
- Late at night.
- PATSY: Were you, were you,
had you had a, you know?
- I'd had a few, yeah.
- So you got spent? PATSY: You weren't
driving, then? - No, I wasn't driving.
- Who was driving, The Banker?
If he won't name The Banker, he's
not going on national television and
go, "I was driving, I was mullered."
- LAUGHTER
- I say badger, I mean nun.
LAUGHTER
- APPLAUSE
Um... And then what? - The Banker's
- wife then says we should bury it.
The Banker's wife, it's
sounding like Cluedo this, go on.
LAUGHTRE
To which the obvious answer is,
"We're not going to bury it, it's
sort of, it's two in the morning."
- Right. - "It's really cold and it's
dark." - What, what's happened, then?
- So the badger is dead. - Right. - Yeah.
Sad occasion, I'm not
underestimating the sadness of it,
there's probably a badger wife
and badger children at home,
I accept that's sad.
Are you not allowed
to say their names either?
LAUGHTER
So you checked the gender
of the badger,
you know it was a male badger.
- LAUGHTER
- Or a female badger
- in a same-sex relationship.
LAUGHTER
Who'd adopted a small badger,
perhaps an orphaned badger
without a home in need of a rest.
I think you're wildly overestimating
the sophistication
of the badger community.
LAUGHTER
But what happens next?
- Er... We went back... - Yeah.
- Got spades... - Yeah.
Went back to where the badger
lay prone.
Buried it, said a few words.
What did you say? Yeah.
Just said,
"Lord protect this badger."
- LAUGHTER
- Or words to that effect.
If only you'd have said it
an hour earlier.
LAUGHTER
So go on,
"Lord protect this badger..."
I think I, I said a few words
about the family of the badger,
and they... some words of apology.
- Tell us the word, I want the words.
- Ah...
I apologise
to the family of this badger,
wherever they may be...
LAUGHTER
- But I'm guessing they're nearby.
- Yeah? - Put some stones on it, went
back home, started drinking again.
LAUGHTER
So Lee, what's it going to be?
Truth or lie?
- BOB: Oh, I think it's true, Lee.
Bob thinks it's true.
- Do you think it's true?
- Patsy? - I don't believe the badger
bit, I think the badger bit's...
That's quite central to the story.
LAUGHTER
- But everything else you believe. - I
believe he knows The Banker. - Right.
- I think he knows The Banker's wife.
- Well, there's your answer.
- I think... - We think it's true,
apart from the badger bit.
- LAUGHTER
OK? - Lee, Lee, it's time
- to make your mind up.
- Well, it's true, it's true.
- You're saying it's true?
- Apart from the badger bit.
- Richard, were you telling
the truth or were you telling a lie?
- I was telling...
- ..the truth.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, it's true,
Richard did bury a badger with
The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.
Patsy, you're up next.
When I was younger, I was regularly
paid to babysit Marvin,
my neighbour's pet dog,
who had died and been stuffed.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Right, so that you were...
you were babysitting the dog
only post-mortem.
Yes, after, after he'd died.
What did your duties involve?
Well, they were elderly people,
they'd leave out, like, food,
and water, and what I used to do,
because I felt so sorry for them,
was I would sort of pour a bit
of the water away,
and, like, halve the food and stick
it in, you know, the, the rubbish
under some kitchen roll.
So they'd come back and say,
"You see?!"
He's alive! "He IS alive!"
They thought the dog was alive,
did they?
Well no, they, they can't have,
but they behaved, I mean,
it was just, it was,
it was a very unusual family,
and she had pictures,
framed pictures of him when he was
alive and when he was stuffed.
- LEE: - How do you know the difference?
- Well... - In photographs?
- Cos it didn't look,
it wasn't a good stuffing.
- LAUGHTER
The stuffed one, he always looked
exactly the same wherever he was.
Yeah.
- Yeah, his expression didn't change
much. - What sort of dog had Marvin
- been before? A Yorkshire terrier.
- Right, and then what... - And we had
a Yorkshire terrier called Pepper,
who was alive, I'm glad to say.
That was rubbing their nose in it,
wasn't it?
LAUGHTER
- Stuffed Peppers! - But our dog...
LAUGHTER
Very good, very good.
APPLAUSE
But our dog was, like, totally
untrained, I mean adorable, but...
Whereas Marvin was so well behaved.
- LAUGHTER
What position was Marvin
stuffed in, what was...? - Standing.
Did he have a facial expression,
was there any kind of emotion
coming from...?
- Like this, he was like that.
- LEE LAUGHS
So like he was angry.
Like he'd died in a, in a battle.
BOB: During the...
Maybe he was stuffed to death. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What a way to go!
If I had a stuffed dog
that was stood up,
I'd put one of its legs
in the bucket, in a bucket,
then I'd always
know where that bucket was.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, David,
which way are you leaning on this?
What do you think, Richard?
It sounds quite convincing.
You're convinced?
Well, I think it's impressively told
if it's a lie. I think impressively
told, a lot of the detail...
You're not an actress,
are you, Patsy?
LAUGHTER
A lot of people would say I'm not,
actually, so...
SHE LAUGHS
GREG: Well, I think it's a lie.
My instinct is that it's the truth.
- We're going to say it's true. - You're
saying it's true, OK. - Oh, no...
Patsy Kensit,
were you telling us the truth,
or were you telling us a lie?
That story...
was a lie.
Oh...
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
Patsy wasn't regularly paid
to babysit her neighbours'
stuffed pet dog.
So at the end of that round,
Lee's team are in the lead
by three points to nil.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Well done, team. Well done.
Our next round
is called This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them that has
the genuine connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
- So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Pauline.
- APPLAUSE
So Richard, what is Pauline to you?
This is Pauline, last year we met
at a Snoop Dogg gig,
- and we bonded cos we were
the two oldest fans in the room.
- LAUGHTER
David, how do you know Pauline?
This is Pauline, when I was a cub,
she was the Akela,
and she had to take me out
of the scout hut once
for asking too many questions
when we were being given a talk
by the police.
LAUGHTER
And finally, Greg,
your relationship with Pauline.
This is Pauline, she's my mum.
She once drove past me
when I was having my first fight,
and got out of her car
to cheer me on.
LAUGHTER
- Lee's team, where do you start?
- Greg, how old were you
on this first fight?
12?
Right, and so, where was this,
at school?
Er, no.
Where was it?
Um, outside the...
Outside the music room?
LAUGHTER
It was in the street.
- In the street? - Yeah.
- Who were you fighting?
I, I honestly can't remember
his name,
he was a lad, er,
and he was in the year above me,
and I remember he had
fairly distinctive, um... red hair.
Is that why you fought him?
LAUGHTER
I fought him because
he'd fought one of my friends.
- Oh, OK, so this was like, er...
- PATSY: Revenge.
- You were doing a heroic gesture.
- Yeah. - And he was older than you.
- Yes. - What was your friend called?
Well, I'm from Shropshire, so he,
he was called, er... Chinese Dave.
LAUGHTER
Is everyone called
Chinese Dave in Shropshire?
No, I'm just thinking,
he was called Chinese Dave,
and I don't know the reason,
- he certainly wasn't Chinese, I think
it's cos he used to wear a hat.
- LAUGHTER
That would be it. That would be it.
That'll be it, probably.
What was your fighting technique,
do you recall?
It was a sort of, sort of,
windmill of bones,
just like this.
A windmill of bones!
I give you the Windmill of Bones!
LAUGHTER
What was your mum shouting at you
by way of encouragement?
- Um... I mean as I recall,
it was just, "Get in there."
- LAUGHTER
- "Do him!" - PATSY: Do him, yeah.
"Get in there, son," is what I...
And was she there the first
time you had sex?
LAUGHTER
- PATSY: This was in the street,
your mum was driving. - Yeah.
- Past you, saw you... - Yeah.
- She knew about the attack on
Chinese... - Dave. - Dave.
Dave, yeah, that wears a hat.
So I presume she saw
what was going on,
and thought, "Oh it's good that my
son is avenging Chinese Dave's..."
- So does she get out of the car
or do it from the window?
Was it a drive-by? - No, she got out.
When you, you didn't win the fight,
did your mum then,
- surely she stepped in and stopped it
or did she say, "Keep fighting!"?
- Well, let me tell you, Patsy...
- Yeah. - The fight came
to a fairly abrupt end. - Why?
- And I'm going to give you some
very specific detail now. - Thank you.
- Um... Because I was chewing
Polos during the fight. - Mmm.
- Er... - Please don't, you're not going
to try and convince us
that they came out,
and your mum thought it was teeth.
- Teeth. - Hear me out.
- LAUGHTER
He is, he is.
I, I got, I got caught in the mouth,
and literally,
I spat Polos everywhere,
- and my mum went,
"Oh! Oh no! His teeth, his teeth!"
- LAUGHTER
- What's your mum called? - Pauline.
Has she got a nickname,
like Heckling Pauline
or anything like that?
LAUGHTER
No, although I would tell you she,
she has an impressive history,
cos she was in a play-fight
with my dad once,
and he locked himself in a toilet.
Yeah?
And to get to him in the play-fight,
my mum punched a hole
through a door.
LAUGHTER
So, there's obviously,
there's obviously
a violent streak in this woman.
PATSY LAUGHS
- It is true, though, it's definitely
true, and that is my mum. - Who's
next, who are you going to do next?
OK, so we'll go with David,
shall we? Yeah.
David, just let me recap,
am I right in saying that there was
a talk by the police?
Yeah, they... At the cubs. Yeah.
And you, you asked one too many
questions to the policeman?
Yes, I was ask...
I was full of questions.
What kind of questions
were you asking?
Well, I was asking about various,
you know,
issues involved in fighting crime.
How old were you?
I think I was about eight.
Right. What kind of crime fighting
questions were you asking?
Well, you know there was, there was
a lot of, there was a problem,
I felt...
LAUGHTER
There was a problem with vandalism
and graffiti... Yeah.
..in the area, um...
You know at that age
you're supposed to be taking part
rather than complaining about it.
Yeah. That's OK,
different upbringings, that's fine.
What other questions?
I asked a lot about the...
The locks in Cagney and Lacey.
I was at the time very aware
of the security measures
in all of those flats in New York,
and the big locks on the doors,
and I said,
"Why don't we have locks like that,
and how can..." You know,
"How can we keep burglars out
"if we don't have locks
like that?" Right.
And the policeman was saying how you
can't keep out a determined burglar.
Right. And I was saying, "Well, why
do we lock the doors at all, then?"
LAUGHTER
But I wasn't aware he was supposed
to, trying to get on with the talk,
and maybe questions would
happen at the end,
and maybe they wouldn't all
be asked by me.
LAUGHTER
Where was this, where was this cubs?
It was in, er, in Headington.
Headington?
In, yeah, where I grew up.
Well, I know that,
I don't think you travelled. Yeah.
- I assumed it was where you lived.
- Yeah. - Otherwise that would be
bonkers.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Newcastle."
No, my parents thought about...
My parents had heard about
a very good cub scout group
about 400 miles away, and they,
they thought about driving me there
to get the very best training in...
LAUGHTER
..tying, you know, absolutely.
What badges did you get, David?
Don't talk about badgers
in front of Richard.
LAUGHTER
Richard.
- Lee. - Remind us once again
of your, of your truth.
Pauline and I met
at the Snoop Dogg gig.
PATSY: Where? Where was he playing?
Er... It was at the Forum
in Kentish Town.
- When was this, what year?
- Last year. - Last year.
- So he was called Snoop Dogg, cos
he's been called a lot of things,
hasn't he? - He certainly has.
- In the olden days, he was Snoop
Doggy Dogg, but now just Snoop Dogg.
- LAUGHTER
But whereabouts were you
in the Forum, where were you
watching the show from?
Well, we met when there was a delay,
as there often is at rap concerts,
there's sort of an hour delay,
so I'm...
For why, why was there a delay?
- Well because of Snoop, you don't
know, you don't rush Snoop.
- LAUGHTER
Who supported him,
did he have a support act?
- Uh yeah, Korrupt.
- LAUGHTER
What was...
- With a K.
- With a K, wow. - With a K.
BOB: I'd have left after them.
LAUGHTER
- PATSY: What was the, what was his
hair like, Snoops? - Snoops?
What, how was he wearing his hair?
He was wearing his hair, he had
sort of corn rows, essentially.
He knows all the words, doesn't he?
Yeah. He's definitely read up
on this. Yeah.
And, OK, and so, and then you guys,
your eyes met across the...
- No, in, in this delay
I went up to... - Yeah.
There's a little quieter bar
upstairs,
and I went up there to play a bit
of, er, Scrabble on my phone...
Oh, come on!
Because I was with younger people,
they were enjoying the support act,
enjoying the fact there was a delay,
there was loud music playing,
I was enjoying it less.
- Yeah. - Pauline was reading a book.
Right, right...
So I thought, OK, she's quite bored
as well, of this thing,
- so, anyway I'm playing my thing, she
says, "Well, what are you doing?"
- Yeah.
I said, "Playing Scrabble on my
phone." She said, "I didn't know you
could play Scrabble on a phone."
- So I showed her, we started playing
Scrabble, have done ever since.
- Ever since?
What, you're going out with
each other now?
LAUGHTER
You know what, Lee?
Early days, early days.
LAUGHTER
BOB: Have you actually met up
with Maureen since?
OTHERS: Pauline.
LAUGHTER
Ah-ha-ha! GREG: You're not going
to be able to dissect us
with those blunt little words.
So Lee, where is, where is this,
where is this leading you,
what are you thinking, Lee?
Patsy, do we believe any of these
people, cos they're all sounding
chronically untrue.
The Chronic, of course, was one of
the first albums Snoop was on,
Dr Dre...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
PATSY: Um...
I could see David in his cub shorts
and being, being worried
about the graffiti,
he sort of strikes me as the sort of
person, it would have upset him,
and he...
- BOB: - I'm intrigued by the slight
physical resemblance
- between Greg and the lady. - Yeah.
I know what you mean, yeah. Um...
Do you mind standing up,
Greg, again,
would you stand next to this lady
you claim to be your mother?
GREG: Next to my mum?
Well, let's call her
"a woman" for now.
LAUGHTER
Right.
Now...
LAUGHTER
PATSY: It's so weird.
I'm guessing
for this mean average to work out,
your dad is the Jolly Green Giant.
LAUGHTER
- BOB: - No, but you see, Lee,
it's a fact that a son has
to be taller than their mum.
It's either Richard or Greg,
I think, so that's my answer.
- So you think...? - I think it's
Richard. - You think it's Richard, you
think it's Richard or Greg. - Yeah.
- My team say Richard. DAVID: Don't
forget the... - What are you going to
- say? The scout hut one, the...
Oh, sorry, oh sorry, are you
still here? The scout hut.
LAUGHTER
- OK, I need an answer,
and I really do need it now.
- We're going for David.
He's trying to double bluff me
at the end.
- So I'm going to go with David. - So
you're saying it's David. - And if it
is David, I'll be so happy now.
- You're saying it's David.
I think David. - Pauline, would you
- please reveal your true identity?
My name is Pauline.
I am Greg's mother, and...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, Pauline is Greg's mum,
and she did cheer him on
when he had his first ever fight.
It must have been awful
to see him fighting.
- Wonderful. - Wonderful?
LAUGHTER
- Thank you very much, Pauline.
- You're welcome.
APPLAUSE
So at the end of that round,
Lee's team are in the lead
by three points to one.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.
- We start with...
- BUZZER
Bob.
I can break an apple in half
with my bare hands.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
What is your technique?
- I take it in the hands. - Yes.
LAUGHTER
Are your hands bare at this point?
- Of course they're bare. - Yes.
Friction's very much part of this,
um, this equation.
You must pull it, um...
I'm going to say east to west.
A lot of people think you need to
twist, you don't need to twist.
- You don't need to twist?
- You don't need to.
- You just pull apart. Pull apart.
How do you get the whole apple
apart? How do you get the grip?
Won't your hands just slide away
from it?
I'd have thought you'd need
to twist.
If you twist, you fail.
Twisting equals tears.
LAUGHTER
So you just grip the apple
in your hand,
and then fling them apart,
and you have two half apples.
- No, I rip it apart. - Yeah.
The way you were miming it then,
there's like downward pressure
from the thumbs,
almost as if you're trying
to open it like a book.
Yeah.
Is that, is that what it's like,
cos I, I can believe that more
than the, just, grip, bang!
Yes...
No, David, that's fair enough, yes.
So you're almost like,
you circle....
Oh, but I so wish it was bang,
and it's not.
No, you're inserting the thumbs
to try and pull it apart that way.
- No insertion. - All right.
- No but, but... - Downward pressure.
That's the grip,
downward pressure...
And there it is.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
So where are the thumbs, are the
thumbs either side of the stalk?
They're here, you know
where the thumbs are, David!
- Where are the thumbs, are the thumbs
either side of the stalk? - Yes.
No insertion or penetration, just...
- Absolutely none, no, the thumbs are
used for gripping, not for ripping.
- Yes. - That's what I was told.
LAUGHTER
And if you remember that...
He's just come up with
a catchphrase!
If you can remember that,
you too will be parting apples.
PATSY LAUGHS
- How long have you done this for?
- I have done it for a long time.
What I used to do, to entertain,
was I used to take hard boiled eggs,
peel them, I can still do it,
and I could take the shell off
in one,
and you actually peel the membrane
rather than trying to,
don't go rough handed, and don't,
you know, take your time, obviously.
LAUGHTER
- And when did you...? - You do...
That's the correct way to present.
PATSY: Yeah!
With an apple, it's this.
LAUGHTER
When did you first discover
that you could do the apple?
How did it come about,
how did it come to be?
- I can't remember the first time
I did it. - Can't remember?
- I can remember the feeling.
LAUGHTER
- But I can't remember the first.
- LAUGHTER
GREG: What was the feeling?
The feeling was magnificent.
PATSY LAUGHS
Right, er, David.
Um, is that, is that the truth?
I don't think so, but it could be.
Can we leave it at that?
Yes, that's fine. OK, on to the next
round. Um... No, we can't.
I agree, I'd love to see him,
I hope it's true,
then they'll make him do it.
- Yeah. - I'd love to see it. - Yeah.
If it's not true...
LEE: Make him do it anyway!
Will they make him try?
LAUGHTER
So what's it going to be?
GREG: I really want it to be true,
but it isn't true, I don't think.
You can't pull an apple apart,
can you?
You can't just rip it in half,
I, I so want you to be able to.
- If you and I can't, surely...
- And I can't.
LAUGHTER
I've never tried.
- BOB: - Have you ever tried?
- If I had an apple here,
and I can have a few goes.
Well, I think if those two
can't do it, David,
with the greatest respect...
- LAUGHTER
- It's highly unlikely
- you're going to pull it off.
I have tremendously,
frighteningly strong hands,
as I've found out to my own cost.
LAUGHTER
APLAUSE
- RICHARD: - Stop right there.
- So you think it's a lie, then?
I'm afraid I do, yeah.
- OK, well I'll go with the giants.
- You're going to say it's a lie.
- It's a lie.
All right, you're saying it's a lie.
Bob, were you telling the truth,
or were you telling a lie?
I was telling the truth.
Ah! Ah!
APPLAUSE
- Yes!
- GREG CHANTS: Prove it, prove it!
Well, well...
Guess what I've got...
..under the desk...
My trusty box of apples.
LAUGHTER
- It's a proper apple, ready, Bob?
- Yes.
- It's a big one. - Thank you.
LAUGHTER
- LAUGHTER
- Not you, not you, him.
Does your husband play cricket?
LAUGHTER
I love that sort of thing.
LKAUHGTER
Where shall I do it?
LAUGHTER
I really hope he can't do it!
LAUGHTER
- Yay! - Whoa!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Oh, yes!
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE
Finally!
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Richard Osman,
he's nothing but a liar,
which means that the thousands
of people who lost on Pointless
thanks to his adjudication skills
can now seek compensation.
- LAUGHTER
- Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
CHEERING
Good evening,
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show where being
a fraud gets a reward.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a man named Richard, who's an
adjudicator on a BBC One quiz show,
so when I call him Clever Dick,
I'm being factual, not rude.
From Pointless, Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And a comedian and actor
whose distinctive looks
can only be described
as when Goliath ate Rik Mayall.
It's Greg Davies.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian who once told me
he was as sane and normal
as the next man,
although at the time,
he was standing next to Vic Reeves.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And in Holby City, she murdered
people, had affairs with doctors,
got pregnant,
and was attacked by patients.
It really was quite an episode.
It's Patsy Kensit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And we start with Round One,
it's Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Greg is first up,
Greg, would you reveal all?
At school, I invented a game called
Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
LAUGHTER
There we are.
Lee's team, what do you think?
- What was the game called again?
- Umm...
LAUGHTER
It was called
Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
Right,
and can you describe the game to us?
Myself and several friends
we all had snorkel parkas.
- What is a snorkel parka? - Yeah.
- For some of the younger viewers?
It's a, it, it's a large hooded coat
with a fur-lined collar.
- Oh, the one that comes out
at the front? - Yeah. - And it's fur.
And you can, you can zip it up
so that it comes right up,
and, so that
only your eyes are visible.
- Right. - Can you describe the rules,
imagine we've never met.
I've got my snorkel parka,
what would happen next?
Well, then you and I, Lee, will go
to the music practice room when...
I'm not falling for this again.
LAUGHTER
And you zip up your snorkel parka,
and then you,
- when someone's practising their
violin with the violin teacher
in the music practice room... - Yeah.
You duck down below the window,
and then you just come up
with your snorkel parka on.
LAUGHTER
So just imagine you're
a historical re-enactment society.
- All right.
- You've got your members there.
- I suppose, I suppose...
- How would you...
I'd have to fully demonstrate it
with, by using my, um,
making an ad hoc snorkel parka.
- Feel free to ask Richard and David
to help you out on this. - Will you
help me out with this? - Um...
Well, I...I... you see this is one
of the moments where...
LAUGHTER
I don't like having to...
LAUGHTER
- All right. - Want to do it?
- Yeah, all right, yeah.
ROB LAUGHS
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We'll probably have to go...
Below our desks. Like this.
Below our desks. Right.
So if, so if you imagine this was
the music practice room and...
And there was some,
someone in there having a lunchtime,
a lunchtime violin lesson.
- Yeah. - You, you would wait until they
were in mid-tutorial and then...
- Right, I'm picturing it, yeah.
- And then together... - Yeah?
- After three. - OK.
One, two, three...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
- Ah... - That's it, really.
LAUGHTER
Was the secret to the game that they
never knew who you were,
cos you were...
They wouldn't know cos
it's only your eyes showing,
- and they'd tell you to go away, so
you'd duck down, and then leave it
a minute... - And come back up. - Yeah.
- What age were you? - Maybe...
Please tell me you weren't
one of the teachers.
LAUGHTER
- Maybe 13, 14. - Right the way
through till when you left?
- Right through till sixth form, yeah.
You never got told to stop this,
or you got a...?
Yeah, well, they'd bang
on the window and be really furious
with us. Then we'd...
For five years,
they were banging on the window.
They never once thought to come out,
and say, "Lads,
it's getting really boring."
- LAUGHTER
- But you see...
I know who you are, Greg,
because you're eight foot six.
LAUGHTER
But just out of interest, by show of
hands, who would like to play
Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room?
I will.
Yeah.
I'm quite keen on the game.
I've, I've already played it,
I didn't really enjoy it.
PATSY LAUGHS
- It sounds ridiculous,
I mean the last time I... - It does
sound utterly ridiculous, Greg.
It's almost as if you're lying.
LAUGHTER
- Do you think he is lying, Lee? What
are you going to say on this one?
- Well, I actually believe him.
I could just see you doing that for,
for kicks and giggles.
Bob, which way are you
leaning with this?
Well, it's got the anticipation,
it's got the jeopardy,
it's got the lot. Yeah. What a game!
Something tells me you're going to
get a phone call from Waddington's.
LAUGHTER
If this gets picked up,
just cos I've talked about it,
it's mine, right?
Only if you really played it.
If it's a lie,
if you haven't copyrighted it...
- If it's a lie and I've just read it
off this thing, whose idea is it?
- I'm... The person who wrote the lie.
I'd like to,
I'd like to maintain the rights
to Balaclava Sports Hall.
LAUGHTER
If... Yeah.
- If anyone's interested.
- Right, Lee, it's time to take
- a guess, what are you going to say?
- We're going for true.
- You're saying it's true, OK.
- Greg, were you telling the truth?
- Well... - Or were you telling a lie?
Well, right, because that would make
me utterly pathetic, wouldn't it?
Yes, I was telling the truth.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, it's true,
Greg did invent a game
called Snorkel Parka
Music Practice Room.
At school, Greg was very popular
with the other pupils,
not surprising really,
considering they'd created him
in a science lesson.
LAUGHTER
Richard, you're next.
I once buried a badger with
The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.
Lee's team.
I know the programme,
but who is that, who is the...
We never hear The Banker, do we?
No, I'm not allowed to tell you,
if I told you, I'd have to bury you
alongside the badger, I'm afraid.
Oh, so the badger found out,
is that what happened to him?
LAUGHTER
What's burying the badger
a euphemism for?
LAUGHTER
- This banker. - Mm-hmm.
- Can you describe him to me, please?
Yes, I could do.
LAUGHTER
He's just a guy like you and I,
somewhere in between you and I.
Well, which one is it?
- Somewhere in the middle.
- Why do you know the guy from...?
I've known him, I, way back when I,
- I used to be the producer
of Deal Or No Deal.
- Right, and what's his name?
- Er... He is called The Banker.
- No, what's his real name? - I can't
tell you what his real name is.
It's on the credits of the show.
LAUGHTER
- Tell us! What does it
say on the credits of the show?
- It says, "The Banker as himself."
- Why was the badger dead? - Yeah.
- Er... We hit it with a car,
unfortunately. - What were you doing
in a car with him?
Er... About 70?
LAUGHTER
Ha!
BOB LAUGHS
We were on holiday together.
- Where were you on holiday? - Er...
Badger country, Cornwall.
GREG: Was Edmonds there? Sorry,
I'm not part of this am I? Sorry.
It's a good question, though, Greg,
was Noel there?
- No, it was a holiday. - Can I...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
ROB LAUGHS
Before you buried the badger,
did you put him in a box,
and then there's loads
of other empty boxes,
and you had to choose
which box was...
Dead squirrel, wrong box.
- PATSY: I think it's very sad that
the badger died and everything. - Yes.
- But why so much trouble to dig
the grave? - Because
- The Banker's wife was with us.
Oh. Can you tell us her name,
or does she work for...
- I can say her name. - Does she work
for the Iranian government?
LAUGHTER
What is the name of The Banker?
PATSY LAUGHS
Was this during the day or,
or of the evening?
- It was, it was late at night.
- Late at night.
- PATSY: Were you, were you,
had you had a, you know?
- I'd had a few, yeah.
- So you got spent? PATSY: You weren't
driving, then? - No, I wasn't driving.
- Who was driving, The Banker?
If he won't name The Banker, he's
not going on national television and
go, "I was driving, I was mullered."
- LAUGHTER
- I say badger, I mean nun.
LAUGHTER
- APPLAUSE
Um... And then what? - The Banker's
- wife then says we should bury it.
The Banker's wife, it's
sounding like Cluedo this, go on.
LAUGHTRE
To which the obvious answer is,
"We're not going to bury it, it's
sort of, it's two in the morning."
- Right. - "It's really cold and it's
dark." - What, what's happened, then?
- So the badger is dead. - Right. - Yeah.
Sad occasion, I'm not
underestimating the sadness of it,
there's probably a badger wife
and badger children at home,
I accept that's sad.
Are you not allowed
to say their names either?
LAUGHTER
So you checked the gender
of the badger,
you know it was a male badger.
- LAUGHTER
- Or a female badger
- in a same-sex relationship.
LAUGHTER
Who'd adopted a small badger,
perhaps an orphaned badger
without a home in need of a rest.
I think you're wildly overestimating
the sophistication
of the badger community.
LAUGHTER
But what happens next?
- Er... We went back... - Yeah.
- Got spades... - Yeah.
Went back to where the badger
lay prone.
Buried it, said a few words.
What did you say? Yeah.
Just said,
"Lord protect this badger."
- LAUGHTER
- Or words to that effect.
If only you'd have said it
an hour earlier.
LAUGHTER
So go on,
"Lord protect this badger..."
I think I, I said a few words
about the family of the badger,
and they... some words of apology.
- Tell us the word, I want the words.
- Ah...
I apologise
to the family of this badger,
wherever they may be...
LAUGHTER
- But I'm guessing they're nearby.
- Yeah? - Put some stones on it, went
back home, started drinking again.
LAUGHTER
So Lee, what's it going to be?
Truth or lie?
- BOB: Oh, I think it's true, Lee.
Bob thinks it's true.
- Do you think it's true?
- Patsy? - I don't believe the badger
bit, I think the badger bit's...
That's quite central to the story.
LAUGHTER
- But everything else you believe. - I
believe he knows The Banker. - Right.
- I think he knows The Banker's wife.
- Well, there's your answer.
- I think... - We think it's true,
apart from the badger bit.
- LAUGHTER
OK? - Lee, Lee, it's time
- to make your mind up.
- Well, it's true, it's true.
- You're saying it's true?
- Apart from the badger bit.
- Richard, were you telling
the truth or were you telling a lie?
- I was telling...
- ..the truth.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, it's true,
Richard did bury a badger with
The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.
Patsy, you're up next.
When I was younger, I was regularly
paid to babysit Marvin,
my neighbour's pet dog,
who had died and been stuffed.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Right, so that you were...
you were babysitting the dog
only post-mortem.
Yes, after, after he'd died.
What did your duties involve?
Well, they were elderly people,
they'd leave out, like, food,
and water, and what I used to do,
because I felt so sorry for them,
was I would sort of pour a bit
of the water away,
and, like, halve the food and stick
it in, you know, the, the rubbish
under some kitchen roll.
So they'd come back and say,
"You see?!"
He's alive! "He IS alive!"
They thought the dog was alive,
did they?
Well no, they, they can't have,
but they behaved, I mean,
it was just, it was,
it was a very unusual family,
and she had pictures,
framed pictures of him when he was
alive and when he was stuffed.
- LEE: - How do you know the difference?
- Well... - In photographs?
- Cos it didn't look,
it wasn't a good stuffing.
- LAUGHTER
The stuffed one, he always looked
exactly the same wherever he was.
Yeah.
- Yeah, his expression didn't change
much. - What sort of dog had Marvin
- been before? A Yorkshire terrier.
- Right, and then what... - And we had
a Yorkshire terrier called Pepper,
who was alive, I'm glad to say.
That was rubbing their nose in it,
wasn't it?
LAUGHTER
- Stuffed Peppers! - But our dog...
LAUGHTER
Very good, very good.
APPLAUSE
But our dog was, like, totally
untrained, I mean adorable, but...
Whereas Marvin was so well behaved.
- LAUGHTER
What position was Marvin
stuffed in, what was...? - Standing.
Did he have a facial expression,
was there any kind of emotion
coming from...?
- Like this, he was like that.
- LEE LAUGHS
So like he was angry.
Like he'd died in a, in a battle.
BOB: During the...
Maybe he was stuffed to death. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What a way to go!
If I had a stuffed dog
that was stood up,
I'd put one of its legs
in the bucket, in a bucket,
then I'd always
know where that bucket was.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, David,
which way are you leaning on this?
What do you think, Richard?
It sounds quite convincing.
You're convinced?
Well, I think it's impressively told
if it's a lie. I think impressively
told, a lot of the detail...
You're not an actress,
are you, Patsy?
LAUGHTER
A lot of people would say I'm not,
actually, so...
SHE LAUGHS
GREG: Well, I think it's a lie.
My instinct is that it's the truth.
- We're going to say it's true. - You're
saying it's true, OK. - Oh, no...
Patsy Kensit,
were you telling us the truth,
or were you telling us a lie?
That story...
was a lie.
Oh...
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
Patsy wasn't regularly paid
to babysit her neighbours'
stuffed pet dog.
So at the end of that round,
Lee's team are in the lead
by three points to nil.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Well done, team. Well done.
Our next round
is called This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them that has
the genuine connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
- So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Pauline.
- APPLAUSE
So Richard, what is Pauline to you?
This is Pauline, last year we met
at a Snoop Dogg gig,
- and we bonded cos we were
the two oldest fans in the room.
- LAUGHTER
David, how do you know Pauline?
This is Pauline, when I was a cub,
she was the Akela,
and she had to take me out
of the scout hut once
for asking too many questions
when we were being given a talk
by the police.
LAUGHTER
And finally, Greg,
your relationship with Pauline.
This is Pauline, she's my mum.
She once drove past me
when I was having my first fight,
and got out of her car
to cheer me on.
LAUGHTER
- Lee's team, where do you start?
- Greg, how old were you
on this first fight?
12?
Right, and so, where was this,
at school?
Er, no.
Where was it?
Um, outside the...
Outside the music room?
LAUGHTER
It was in the street.
- In the street? - Yeah.
- Who were you fighting?
I, I honestly can't remember
his name,
he was a lad, er,
and he was in the year above me,
and I remember he had
fairly distinctive, um... red hair.
Is that why you fought him?
LAUGHTER
I fought him because
he'd fought one of my friends.
- Oh, OK, so this was like, er...
- PATSY: Revenge.
- You were doing a heroic gesture.
- Yeah. - And he was older than you.
- Yes. - What was your friend called?
Well, I'm from Shropshire, so he,
he was called, er... Chinese Dave.
LAUGHTER
Is everyone called
Chinese Dave in Shropshire?
No, I'm just thinking,
he was called Chinese Dave,
and I don't know the reason,
- he certainly wasn't Chinese, I think
it's cos he used to wear a hat.
- LAUGHTER
That would be it. That would be it.
That'll be it, probably.
What was your fighting technique,
do you recall?
It was a sort of, sort of,
windmill of bones,
just like this.
A windmill of bones!
I give you the Windmill of Bones!
LAUGHTER
What was your mum shouting at you
by way of encouragement?
- Um... I mean as I recall,
it was just, "Get in there."
- LAUGHTER
- "Do him!" - PATSY: Do him, yeah.
"Get in there, son," is what I...
And was she there the first
time you had sex?
LAUGHTER
- PATSY: This was in the street,
your mum was driving. - Yeah.
- Past you, saw you... - Yeah.
- She knew about the attack on
Chinese... - Dave. - Dave.
Dave, yeah, that wears a hat.
So I presume she saw
what was going on,
and thought, "Oh it's good that my
son is avenging Chinese Dave's..."
- So does she get out of the car
or do it from the window?
Was it a drive-by? - No, she got out.
When you, you didn't win the fight,
did your mum then,
- surely she stepped in and stopped it
or did she say, "Keep fighting!"?
- Well, let me tell you, Patsy...
- Yeah. - The fight came
to a fairly abrupt end. - Why?
- And I'm going to give you some
very specific detail now. - Thank you.
- Um... Because I was chewing
Polos during the fight. - Mmm.
- Er... - Please don't, you're not going
to try and convince us
that they came out,
and your mum thought it was teeth.
- Teeth. - Hear me out.
- LAUGHTER
He is, he is.
I, I got, I got caught in the mouth,
and literally,
I spat Polos everywhere,
- and my mum went,
"Oh! Oh no! His teeth, his teeth!"
- LAUGHTER
- What's your mum called? - Pauline.
Has she got a nickname,
like Heckling Pauline
or anything like that?
LAUGHTER
No, although I would tell you she,
she has an impressive history,
cos she was in a play-fight
with my dad once,
and he locked himself in a toilet.
Yeah?
And to get to him in the play-fight,
my mum punched a hole
through a door.
LAUGHTER
So, there's obviously,
there's obviously
a violent streak in this woman.
PATSY LAUGHS
- It is true, though, it's definitely
true, and that is my mum. - Who's
next, who are you going to do next?
OK, so we'll go with David,
shall we? Yeah.
David, just let me recap,
am I right in saying that there was
a talk by the police?
Yeah, they... At the cubs. Yeah.
And you, you asked one too many
questions to the policeman?
Yes, I was ask...
I was full of questions.
What kind of questions
were you asking?
Well, I was asking about various,
you know,
issues involved in fighting crime.
How old were you?
I think I was about eight.
Right. What kind of crime fighting
questions were you asking?
Well, you know there was, there was
a lot of, there was a problem,
I felt...
LAUGHTER
There was a problem with vandalism
and graffiti... Yeah.
..in the area, um...
You know at that age
you're supposed to be taking part
rather than complaining about it.
Yeah. That's OK,
different upbringings, that's fine.
What other questions?
I asked a lot about the...
The locks in Cagney and Lacey.
I was at the time very aware
of the security measures
in all of those flats in New York,
and the big locks on the doors,
and I said,
"Why don't we have locks like that,
and how can..." You know,
"How can we keep burglars out
"if we don't have locks
like that?" Right.
And the policeman was saying how you
can't keep out a determined burglar.
Right. And I was saying, "Well, why
do we lock the doors at all, then?"
LAUGHTER
But I wasn't aware he was supposed
to, trying to get on with the talk,
and maybe questions would
happen at the end,
and maybe they wouldn't all
be asked by me.
LAUGHTER
Where was this, where was this cubs?
It was in, er, in Headington.
Headington?
In, yeah, where I grew up.
Well, I know that,
I don't think you travelled. Yeah.
- I assumed it was where you lived.
- Yeah. - Otherwise that would be
bonkers.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Newcastle."
No, my parents thought about...
My parents had heard about
a very good cub scout group
about 400 miles away, and they,
they thought about driving me there
to get the very best training in...
LAUGHTER
..tying, you know, absolutely.
What badges did you get, David?
Don't talk about badgers
in front of Richard.
LAUGHTER
Richard.
- Lee. - Remind us once again
of your, of your truth.
Pauline and I met
at the Snoop Dogg gig.
PATSY: Where? Where was he playing?
Er... It was at the Forum
in Kentish Town.
- When was this, what year?
- Last year. - Last year.
- So he was called Snoop Dogg, cos
he's been called a lot of things,
hasn't he? - He certainly has.
- In the olden days, he was Snoop
Doggy Dogg, but now just Snoop Dogg.
- LAUGHTER
But whereabouts were you
in the Forum, where were you
watching the show from?
Well, we met when there was a delay,
as there often is at rap concerts,
there's sort of an hour delay,
so I'm...
For why, why was there a delay?
- Well because of Snoop, you don't
know, you don't rush Snoop.
- LAUGHTER
Who supported him,
did he have a support act?
- Uh yeah, Korrupt.
- LAUGHTER
What was...
- With a K.
- With a K, wow. - With a K.
BOB: I'd have left after them.
LAUGHTER
- PATSY: What was the, what was his
hair like, Snoops? - Snoops?
What, how was he wearing his hair?
He was wearing his hair, he had
sort of corn rows, essentially.
He knows all the words, doesn't he?
Yeah. He's definitely read up
on this. Yeah.
And, OK, and so, and then you guys,
your eyes met across the...
- No, in, in this delay
I went up to... - Yeah.
There's a little quieter bar
upstairs,
and I went up there to play a bit
of, er, Scrabble on my phone...
Oh, come on!
Because I was with younger people,
they were enjoying the support act,
enjoying the fact there was a delay,
there was loud music playing,
I was enjoying it less.
- Yeah. - Pauline was reading a book.
Right, right...
So I thought, OK, she's quite bored
as well, of this thing,
- so, anyway I'm playing my thing, she
says, "Well, what are you doing?"
- Yeah.
I said, "Playing Scrabble on my
phone." She said, "I didn't know you
could play Scrabble on a phone."
- So I showed her, we started playing
Scrabble, have done ever since.
- Ever since?
What, you're going out with
each other now?
LAUGHTER
You know what, Lee?
Early days, early days.
LAUGHTER
BOB: Have you actually met up
with Maureen since?
OTHERS: Pauline.
LAUGHTER
Ah-ha-ha! GREG: You're not going
to be able to dissect us
with those blunt little words.
So Lee, where is, where is this,
where is this leading you,
what are you thinking, Lee?
Patsy, do we believe any of these
people, cos they're all sounding
chronically untrue.
The Chronic, of course, was one of
the first albums Snoop was on,
Dr Dre...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
PATSY: Um...
I could see David in his cub shorts
and being, being worried
about the graffiti,
he sort of strikes me as the sort of
person, it would have upset him,
and he...
- BOB: - I'm intrigued by the slight
physical resemblance
- between Greg and the lady. - Yeah.
I know what you mean, yeah. Um...
Do you mind standing up,
Greg, again,
would you stand next to this lady
you claim to be your mother?
GREG: Next to my mum?
Well, let's call her
"a woman" for now.
LAUGHTER
Right.
Now...
LAUGHTER
PATSY: It's so weird.
I'm guessing
for this mean average to work out,
your dad is the Jolly Green Giant.
LAUGHTER
- BOB: - No, but you see, Lee,
it's a fact that a son has
to be taller than their mum.
It's either Richard or Greg,
I think, so that's my answer.
- So you think...? - I think it's
Richard. - You think it's Richard, you
think it's Richard or Greg. - Yeah.
- My team say Richard. DAVID: Don't
forget the... - What are you going to
- say? The scout hut one, the...
Oh, sorry, oh sorry, are you
still here? The scout hut.
LAUGHTER
- OK, I need an answer,
and I really do need it now.
- We're going for David.
He's trying to double bluff me
at the end.
- So I'm going to go with David. - So
you're saying it's David. - And if it
is David, I'll be so happy now.
- You're saying it's David.
I think David. - Pauline, would you
- please reveal your true identity?
My name is Pauline.
I am Greg's mother, and...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, Pauline is Greg's mum,
and she did cheer him on
when he had his first ever fight.
It must have been awful
to see him fighting.
- Wonderful. - Wonderful?
LAUGHTER
- Thank you very much, Pauline.
- You're welcome.
APPLAUSE
So at the end of that round,
Lee's team are in the lead
by three points to one.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.
- We start with...
- BUZZER
Bob.
I can break an apple in half
with my bare hands.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
What is your technique?
- I take it in the hands. - Yes.
LAUGHTER
Are your hands bare at this point?
- Of course they're bare. - Yes.
Friction's very much part of this,
um, this equation.
You must pull it, um...
I'm going to say east to west.
A lot of people think you need to
twist, you don't need to twist.
- You don't need to twist?
- You don't need to.
- You just pull apart. Pull apart.
How do you get the whole apple
apart? How do you get the grip?
Won't your hands just slide away
from it?
I'd have thought you'd need
to twist.
If you twist, you fail.
Twisting equals tears.
LAUGHTER
So you just grip the apple
in your hand,
and then fling them apart,
and you have two half apples.
- No, I rip it apart. - Yeah.
The way you were miming it then,
there's like downward pressure
from the thumbs,
almost as if you're trying
to open it like a book.
Yeah.
Is that, is that what it's like,
cos I, I can believe that more
than the, just, grip, bang!
Yes...
No, David, that's fair enough, yes.
So you're almost like,
you circle....
Oh, but I so wish it was bang,
and it's not.
No, you're inserting the thumbs
to try and pull it apart that way.
- No insertion. - All right.
- No but, but... - Downward pressure.
That's the grip,
downward pressure...
And there it is.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
So where are the thumbs, are the
thumbs either side of the stalk?
They're here, you know
where the thumbs are, David!
- Where are the thumbs, are the thumbs
either side of the stalk? - Yes.
No insertion or penetration, just...
- Absolutely none, no, the thumbs are
used for gripping, not for ripping.
- Yes. - That's what I was told.
LAUGHTER
And if you remember that...
He's just come up with
a catchphrase!
If you can remember that,
you too will be parting apples.
PATSY LAUGHS
- How long have you done this for?
- I have done it for a long time.
What I used to do, to entertain,
was I used to take hard boiled eggs,
peel them, I can still do it,
and I could take the shell off
in one,
and you actually peel the membrane
rather than trying to,
don't go rough handed, and don't,
you know, take your time, obviously.
LAUGHTER
- And when did you...? - You do...
That's the correct way to present.
PATSY: Yeah!
With an apple, it's this.
LAUGHTER
When did you first discover
that you could do the apple?
How did it come about,
how did it come to be?
- I can't remember the first time
I did it. - Can't remember?
- I can remember the feeling.
LAUGHTER
- But I can't remember the first.
- LAUGHTER
GREG: What was the feeling?
The feeling was magnificent.
PATSY LAUGHS
Right, er, David.
Um, is that, is that the truth?
I don't think so, but it could be.
Can we leave it at that?
Yes, that's fine. OK, on to the next
round. Um... No, we can't.
I agree, I'd love to see him,
I hope it's true,
then they'll make him do it.
- Yeah. - I'd love to see it. - Yeah.
If it's not true...
LEE: Make him do it anyway!
Will they make him try?
LAUGHTER
So what's it going to be?
GREG: I really want it to be true,
but it isn't true, I don't think.
You can't pull an apple apart,
can you?
You can't just rip it in half,
I, I so want you to be able to.
- If you and I can't, surely...
- And I can't.
LAUGHTER
I've never tried.
- BOB: - Have you ever tried?
- If I had an apple here,
and I can have a few goes.
Well, I think if those two
can't do it, David,
with the greatest respect...
- LAUGHTER
- It's highly unlikely
- you're going to pull it off.
I have tremendously,
frighteningly strong hands,
as I've found out to my own cost.
LAUGHTER
APLAUSE
- RICHARD: - Stop right there.
- So you think it's a lie, then?
I'm afraid I do, yeah.
- OK, well I'll go with the giants.
- You're going to say it's a lie.
- It's a lie.
All right, you're saying it's a lie.
Bob, were you telling the truth,
or were you telling a lie?
I was telling the truth.
Ah! Ah!
APPLAUSE
- Yes!
- GREG CHANTS: Prove it, prove it!
Well, well...
Guess what I've got...
..under the desk...
My trusty box of apples.
LAUGHTER
- It's a proper apple, ready, Bob?
- Yes.
- It's a big one. - Thank you.
LAUGHTER
- LAUGHTER
- Not you, not you, him.
Does your husband play cricket?
LAUGHTER
I love that sort of thing.
LKAUHGTER
Where shall I do it?
LAUGHTER
I really hope he can't do it!
LAUGHTER
- Yay! - Whoa!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Oh, yes!
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE
Finally!
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Richard Osman,
he's nothing but a liar,
which means that the thousands
of people who lost on Pointless
thanks to his adjudication skills
can now seek compensation.
- LAUGHTER
- Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd