Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Episode #6.4 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie To You,
the show teeming with tall tales,
and tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight -
a comedian who once starred
in a programme to find the world's
most dangerous road.
Turns out it's the one
between Snappy Snaps
and George Michael's house,
it's Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedy actress currently
on our screens in Miranda
who also co-created Smack The Pony,
a sketch show that received
critical acclaim,
Emmy awards and a stern letter
from the RSPCA.
It's Sally Phillips.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a showbiz legend whose TV show
once drew an audience
of 15 million people.
Admittedly, there were only two
channels and no remote control -
Des O'Connor!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a lady who co-stars with Bruce
Forsyth on Strictly Come Dancing,
but she's here
tonight in her own right,
so there'll be no more
mention of Brucie.
It's nice to see her,
to see her nice, Tess Daly!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out
a statement. To make things
harder, they've never seen
the card before, so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Des, you're first up tonight.
LAUGHTER
For three days running,
I accidentally ate cat food
for dinner.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Right, um.
LAUGHTER
So how did this happen?
It was an accident.
But it happened for three days,
so we're looking at nine meals.
No, I didn't eat every meal,
but I ate on one of the meals
one a lunch time,
one a snack and one a dinner.
But not necessarily in that order.
And I'm assuming you thought
the cat food was something else?
Why would you assume that?
Because otherwise, Des,
it's not an accident.
LAUGHTER
Was it wet or dry cat food?
I'm not a cat, I don't know.
But as a, you know,
a highly evolved mammal, you do know
the difference between wet and dry.
It depends what
we're talking about.
Des, have you, have you got a cat?
No.
I would point...
There's a chink in this,
isn't there, there's a little
chink in this.
I would point out that this didn't
happen at home, obviously.
- Where did it happen? - Abroad.
I was abroad in a foreign country.
- Which foreign country?
- Which foreign country?
I don't know,
I didn't see their flag.
How did you eventually find out
that it was cat food?
I had rented a place.
It was in Spain.
I had rented a villa, and I had
to go and do my own shopping.
And I was walking around
and I saw these tins
with a little fish on the side.
I thought, that'll do.
I don't speak Spanish that well.
I bought it back and I was opening
it, and the lady who was
doing the house went, "No, no, no,
miaow, miaow, miaow."
LAUGHTER
- What did you think it was, Des?
- I thought it was a kind of fish.
- Like a tuna, perhaps? - Yes.
I'm surprised
there wasn't a picture of a cat.
LEE: Why would there be
a picture of a cat?
You don't get a picture of a human
on a Pot Noodle, do you?
- You always have a picture of a cat
on cat food. Even in Spain.
- Not always.
- I could give you an example
when there wasn't. - When?
Des, tell him again.
Right, David, what are you going
to say? What's your guess?
Is he telling the truth?
I'm beginning to think it's true,
I must say. I'm sorry, Des.
I'm coming round to it.
- David? - I think it's true.
So, Des, are you telling
the truth or telling a lie?
They all think it's the truth,
but...
it's the truth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Des did accidentally eat cat food
for dinner for three days running.
It was his cleaner who first noticed
something was wrong.
Namely that Des was licking himself
clean in front of the fire
and going to the toilet in a tray.
Rhod Gilbert, you're next.
I cannot go on airport travelators.
The one and only time I did,
I got so freaked out by
how superhumanly fast I was walking
that I had to be taken
to the sick bay to calm down.
Lee, what do you think?
Right, just how fast
would you say you were going?
Superhuman was the word I used.
OK. How fast would you define
"superhuman"?
- Because I've got my own definition.
- What's yours? - Ah! I asked you first.
Let's just say it went very fast,
and I didn't like it.
You say you had to be escorted off
and taken to the sick bay?
I wasn't escorted off - I got
off the end and sought assistance.
- You felt nauseous?
- Yes, that's right, I felt NAUS-eous.
What's the difference
between NAUS-eous and nauseous?
David, what's the difference?
Excuse me! You could have asked me!
Excuse me! I'm a human being!
I'm imagining you'll refer me
to David.
David, what's the difference
between nauseous...
is it simply pronunciation?
- I think it's simply pronunciation,
Rob. - Thank you, David. As you were.
I'll tell you another thing
I don't like - it freaks me out
when escalators don't work.
You know when you go up an escalator,
and you're exhausted,
and your legs are burning
and they don't work.
It's more tiring than the stairs,
and when you get to the top,
you fly off the end like that?
That freaks me out.
That, I don't like that feeling
of lack of control.
The escalator doesn't work, yet you
still fly off the top. Why's that?
- I don't think you do fly off the
top. - No, you do fly off the top.
That is your brain
telling you a lie.
No, my brain doesn't tell me
anything. Honestly.
Rhod's brain does not tell him
anything.
It's not my brain telling me that
I'm flying off the escalator.
You're saying at the top
of a stationary escalator,
you're in some way thrown off
the end of it as if it were moving.
That's nothing to do with the
electrical motor in the escalator
- that isn't turned on.
- I'm not saying it is!
That's because you're using
a certain amount of extra energy
in order to go up some stairs,
and then suddenly it seems,
well, you'll find that at the top
of a normal flight of stairs.
- No, you won't. - Yes, you will!
Nobody flies off the top
of normal stairs!
Hang on, let's give it a little go.
Whoa! You're right, David!
You're quite right.
What are you on about?
What I'm going to tell you now,
Rhod, you may not be ready to hear,
but the feeling of getting
to the top of a normal
flight of stairs and
the feeling of getting to the top
of an escalator that is not
turned on IS the same.
- Rubbish, it's not. It's not. - It is
the same. - It's not. - This is madness.
It's not.
- You started off saying... - I'm not
going to discuss it any more.
I've told you the information, and,
at some point, you will accept it.
Rhod, you're on this travelator.
I was.
And you didn't like the fact
you were going so fast.
Would that be a fair assessment?
That's exactly what I said, so yes.
Why didn't you stop walking,
so you weren't going as fast?
I just don't like the way they...
shift along. I just don't like it.
Oh, it's the up-and-down motion!
There's that little cushioned
padding in it.
You could have walked backwards
and then you'd have been
standing still,
if you'd judged the speed right.
Well, I had a plane to catch, David.
- What do you think, Lee? - Tess, what
do you think? - I'm trying to read
his body language,
because I'm a woman,
and we do intuition very well.
He's very laid back
and he seems very committed.
- He might be telling the truth.
- What about you, Des?
- I think he's telling the truth.
Thank you, Des. - I think he might be
telling the truth.
You're saying true?
- True. - True. Rhod, truth or lie?
- It is...
a lie!
Yes, it's a lie. Of course,
Rhod can use airport travelators.
Our next round is called
This Is My...where I bring on
a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them that
has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome
this week's special guest, Tony!
APPLAUSE
Welcome, Tony.
Rhod, what is Tony to you?
This is Tony.
And for five years,
he was my badminton doubles partner.
Right, Sally,
what is your relationship with Tony?
This is my Uncle Tony,
and last year, I had a go
on his mobility scooter
and I drove it into
a pond and wrote it off.
Finally, David,
how do you know Tony?
This is Tony, and when I was little,
he used to help me
get to sleep by telling me
bedtime stories about the war.
Isn't that lovely? There we are.
So, Rhod's badminton buddy,
Sally's scooterless uncle
or David's bedtime storyteller?
Before you start asking, I'm going
to bring a chair on for you,
and you can have a lovely sit down
there. There we are.
You relax there.
- Lee? - Sally, does
he use the mobility scooter a lot?
He's had two hip replacements.
So he can get by without it?
The fact he walked on fine,
he can get by.
I don't think they're just for old
people. I've got a bath with a door.
I think it's nice.
That was more a DIY mishap, though,
wasn't it?
I think it's nice
to open the door, step in,
wait for 19 or 20 minutes
while it slowly fills up
in the freezing cold.
I think it's lovely.
Why did you take the mobility
scooter in the first place?
Because I was going to play
a psychopath in a film,
a psychopath on mobility scooter,
and I said, "Can I have a go?"
because I can't drive a car.
Sally, how far did you drive
before you went into the pond?
A good distance.
I didn't know I had it in reverse.
So you were very close to the pond?
It wasn't far from the pond,
but it was facing that way,
and I took it out of park,
the wrong way, and went backwards.
Was your uncle with you at the time?
Yes.
How much instruction did
Tony give you before you got on?
Well, he thought,
as he said afterwards over tea,
many, many times, that it was quite
self-evident
how one drove this thing.
He said all it had was
a little gear tiller,
- and he thought even a nincompoop...
TESS: - Backwards and forwards...
Did he say gear tiller?
That's a nautical expression.
You obviously felt
on some subconscious level
more comfortable at sea.
- Did you buy your Uncle Tony another
mobility scooter? - I did.
How much was that mobility scooter?
Yes, how much that mobility scooter?
- It was ?1,500.
- For a brand-new mobility scooter?
Hang on, is that right, Des?
- How long ago were they, that you
were playing badminton doubles?
- That we were doubles partners? - Yes.
10-15 years.
LEE: And when did this end?
When did this end?
We had to stop
because...I was getting on a bit.
- How did your partnership begin?
- Well, we played for the same club.
What was the club called?
Um...it was in West London.
West London. You can't remember
the name of the club?
- It was called Old Actonians.
- Old Actonians Badminton Club? - Yes.
Did you wear the full gear,
short shorts, you know?
No, I wore a miner's helmet,
and he wore a frogman's outfit!
Of course we did, Des!
- Did you ever win anything,
yourself and Tony?
- We won a lot, yeah.
And why did you come about
playing together?
No disrespect, but why didn't you
go for someone more of your age?
Because we complemented
each other's game.
When you say, "complemented
each other's game", you went,
"You're good", "So are you, come on."
Out of you two badminton players,
who would you say was the better?
Tony was a much, much better player
than me. Tony played for England.
ROB LAUGHS
This started out,
"We were just knocking around
"in a West London club." Now
he is the Rafael Nadal of badminton.
If he played for England
and he was so good,
why is he choosing you
to partner him?
I think it would be fair,
and Tony wouldn't mind me saying...
when I played with him,
he would have been probably
in his early 70s.
Whoa, whoa!
When you were playing with him?
When I was playing with him, yeah.
OK. The prime age for badminton.
Particularly at international level.
OK, David.
What's your connection with Tony?
He lived next door when I was
little. And he read bedtime stories?
- He would occasionally babysit for me
and my brother.
TESS: - It's feasible.
Made up, or these were his stories
from the war?
Not out of a book,
but ostensibly true.
Did he ever just shout them
through the wall?
"We were surrounded by Germans.
And so, basically..." "I'm trying
to get to sleep." "I don't care."
- How old were you?
- I think I would have been...
23!
I think it was around the time
I was five, six, seven.
It could happen. I had a neighbour
who would sing me nursery rhymes
and bounce me on his knee.
Am I the only one who had parents?
What's going on here?
I think perhaps what it was, Lee,
with you is your parents found
it hard to find
any other adult who was willing
to take sole responsibility for you.
Now, let me ask you this,
would Tony ever come round,
not for babysitting,
but just to tell you
some of the stories,
or would it only happen
when he was babysitting?
I think it started
when he was babysitting,
but he'd come round
quite a bit anyway.
Oh!
You just did an upwards inflection!
I've never heard you do that before.
That's so not like you.
"Sometimes he would
come round, ANYWAY!"
What's happened to you?
Look, I'm on national television
and I'm getting a bit defensive
about talking about
my abuse-ridden childhood.
That's all!
Of all the war stories he told you
to help you go to sleep,
what would you say
was your favourite?
The thing I found most interesting
was the story Tony told about
his mother,
who, during the war,
worked in the library in Oxford.
This is the interesting one?
And what she had to do
was compile and analyse
and place photographs
of the Japanese coastline.
I tell you what,
it's getting better. Carry on.
This was in preparation
for an invasion of Japan.
And you said, "Thank you..." -
as a five-year-old -
"..that's very interesting."
Because by the end of the story,
I was asleep.
It's time for an answer, Lee.
So, is Tony...?
Sorry, I'm trying to get the idea
out of my head
of passing David's door
and hearing a man inside going,
"Obviously, with the coastal
line of Tokyo, it's very hard
"to determine whether we should have
a land invasion or by...
Oh, you're asleep.
"OK. Nighty night!
"Sleep tight!
Don't let the Japanese invade!"
I think, Rhod we can discount.
There were too many flaws.
I agree with you,
I think it's one of the other two.
I've got a horrible feeling that
it's David in the middle there.
I know which one David is.
All right, what about the mobility
scooter with Sally?
- Have you ever taken your driving
test? - No, I've never even taken it.
I've never learned to drive.
You can't emphasise the word
"even" if it's the same thing.
"Have you taking your driving test?"
"I've not EVEN taken it."
So, Lee's team,
is Tony Rhod's badminton buddy,
Sally's scooterless uncle
or David's bedtime storyteller?
- What are you going to say? - It's not
Rhod. - Tess, what you going for?
- Sally.
I think David. And in a weird way,
I've now gone back to Rhod.
I have. Thank you. I can see
it in his little Welsh eyes.
In his little devious Welsh eyes.
Trust me, if there's one thing
I know about working on this show,
it's little devious Welsh eyes.
- Rhod or Sally? - It's Sally.
- Sally? Yeah, Sally. - Sally.
Right, Tony, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Tony,
and Rhod was my badminton
partner for five years.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Tony was Rob's badminton
doubles partner.
- Tony, thank you very much.
- Well, thank you.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies,
in which our panellists lie not
only through their teeth
but also against the clock,
and we start with...
BUZZER
It's Lee.
Possession.
Right, well, in that case,
step this way and take the card,
read the card to us,
and when you've done that,
you can reveal your possession.
In Thailand, I paid ?200 to have
my portrait painted by a monkey.
This is that portrait.
- David, what do you think?
- What colour shirt were you wearing?
You probably want to ask less
what colour shirt I was wearing
and what colours were available
to the monkey at the time.
You don't particularly remember
it being green?
No, and I don't remember
having four green ears either.
What colours were available
to the monkey?
Blue, red, green
and its own excrement?
That's my face!
Can I just say, I was recently
at a zoo
where I was painting with chimps,
in the Colwyn Bay mountains
in North Wales, and I tried to get
them to paint stuff,
and there's no way
they'd have done that well.
I'm not being racist,
but that's your Welsh chimp.
- That's all I'm saying.
- How big was the chimp?
Well, let me remember now.
He was sort of like this.
I'd say he was about...
that big sat down,
so that plus
a couple of chimp's legs.
I honestly don't think that a
monkey... There is a sort of mouth
on that and there's two blue blobs
for eyes - monkeys can't do that.
You think it's too good
is what you're saying.
Yes. I think the resemblance
is too strong.
It's even got your little
squinty eyes.
Don't push your luck.
The things I have to put up
with on this show.
You're wondering why it's like this,
OK? No, a chimp did it...
It could have been better,
but he was a surrealist.
David, what are you going to say?
Is this story true?
I think it's a lie.
I think it's an absolutely pointless
act to get a monkey to paint
a picture of you, and I think Lee
would also have thought that.
I think Rhod thinks it's a lie,
we know that. Sally?
He looks like a hard man.
He wouldn't be easily fooled.
- David, you're saying a lie? - I think
we all think it's a lie, yeah.
- Lee? - It feels weird being up here
- and not being able to press
something. Do you mind? - Not at all.
It is, in fact...
a lie.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Yes, what a surprise.
It was a lie. - Of course it's a lie!
How am I supposed
to sell that as the truth?!
Do you know what?
I'm glad it's not mine.
How am I supposed to have a chance?
If my four-year-old son
is watching, erm...
..thanks for doing it, and I'll
fix it and I'll bring it home.
Tell him I want my 200 quid back
and the monkey suit.
Yes, it was, of course, a lie.
Lee didn't pay ?200
to have his portrait painted
by a monkey in Thailand.
Why would a dumb, hairy beast
who spends all day throwing
his faeces at the wall
and scratching his bottom want
a portrait from a monkey?
And next...
..it's Sally.
Out loud, Sally.
Because he swims in our local pool,
my husband and I play a game
over text called I've Just Been
In The Water With Trevor McDonald.
I'm currently beating him 3-2.
Well, it sounds plausible.
Did I have a couple of blackouts
in that sentence?
I suppose there might be some people
watching who aren't aware
of who Sir Trevor McDonald is.
He's the esteemed newsreader
and journalist. Just in case.
There could be some young people
who don't know who he is.
So if you go swimming,
and Trevor McDonald's in there,
- you get a point?
That's the rules, right? - Yeah.
- Do you live near him?
- I do live near him.
- Do you ever talk to Trevor McDonald?
- Not really.
I made eye contact with him when
we were both buying fireworks once.
You didn't bother playing the game,
I've Made Eye Contact With
Trevor McDonald Over Fireworks?
- That didn't catch on? - No, because
it's important he's in the water.
Sally, who saw him first?
My husband saw him first, cos I'm
quite short-sighted, as you can see.
- Was he swimming? - Yes, he was
swimming and... - And what?
He wears nose clips.
Does he? Are you concerned that
he's going to watch this programme,
- and this is now going to be awkward?
- I am a bit concerned.
The person who'll be
really gutted is my dad.
He says hello to him
in the supermarket.
He's got his own game going
with your mum, has he?
It all started cos my dad was
name-dropping Trevor McDonald...
"Trevor McDonald said hello..."
so we started going one better...
You live in a very small village,
don't you?
You know this is true, don't you?
Of course, because we live near
each other in show-business land.
There's a swimming pool,
a fireworks shop and a supermarket.
It's a lovely place!
Is he a serious swimmer doing laps?
- He goes up and down.
- You mean on the spot?
Up and down would signify sinking
and desperately trying...
- You mean back and forth.
- He does lengths.
- What's his stroke? - He alternates.
- He alternates between what?
- Between breaststroke and front
crawl. - Which do you prefer?
I'm afraid I have
to do breaststroke.
You've got to keep your head
above the water to keep
a lookout for newsreaders.
So what do you think, Lee?
What do you think -
is Sally telling the truth?
You're making it up, it's a fib.
- What do you think? - I think
it's true. - You think it's true?
- Yeah, I think it's true. - I'll go
for...true. - You're saying true. OK.
Sally Phillips, truth or lie?
It is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Sally and her husband don't play
a game over the text called
I've Just Been In The Water
With Trevor McDonald. Next...
it's David.
On a wall in my flat,
there is a mysterious red switch.
I have no idea what it does,
because I have never pressed it
and refuse to do so.
Right, mysterious red switches. Lee?
Where's the switch?
It's on the wall.
Sort of, not directly,
but slightly behind the television.
Haven't you just...been tempted
to touch it? See what it does?
It's not that distracting.
It's bright red, I'd say it's about
maybe three quarters of an inch
or an inch wide.
It sounds like one of
those cooker switches, doesn't it?
It's a bit like that. It's cocked
up in a sort of inviting way that
you might want to give a tweak to.
You'd have to flick it down. Exactly.
That's always more scary, isn't it?
If it were down, I'd assume that
whatever it does was happening.
Right. I'd be afraid to turn it off,
because I might need it.
It might turn the oxygen off. You've
never gone near it, never touched it?
I've gone near it.
I've gone very near it!
I don't live in a very large flat.
I can't cordon off a
whole area of the living room
just because of the
proximity of a mysterious switch.
I need that space.
How long have you been in your flat
and ignored this switch?
I moved into the flat
about 11 years ago.
That's a long time
to ignore a switch.
But sometimes I do other things.
It's not just been solidly ignoring
the switch 24 hours a day.
How is your granddad's dialysis
machine going at the moment?
Lee, what are you going to say?
This mysterious switch, is it true?
I started believing it,
because I thought, yeah, you have
those switches in your house
and don't know what they are for.
- I've got them. - But you'd have
to flick the switch?
- I'd have to flick it.
- I would be flicking that switch.
You can't not fiddle, can you? It's
there, you've got to play with it.
LAUGHTER
I remember seeing
an episode of the show
when David talked about
his bedroom door,
which didn't have a door handle.
He had to claw his door open
every time
he opened his bedroom door, so he's
not going to bother about a switch.
- He lives in a slum.
- Basically, yes, he does.
- He lives in a slum.
- So I say it's true.
If they paid proper repeat fees
on Dave, it would be different.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lee, what are you going to say -
truth or lie?
Des? He's telling a lie. You think
he's telling a lie. Yes. Why?
I don't think he could ignore it.
Look at that intelligent face,
look at that beard.
He does look like a professor.
- He doesn't have a bedroom door
handle, Des. - How do you know?
LAUGHTER
- So truth or lie? - I think I will go
with...Tess and say it's true.
- You're saying it's true. David,
truth or lie? - It is...
true.
Yes! Finally!
Success!
Yes, it's true.
David does have a mysterious red
switch on the wall of his flat
which he's never pressed.
BUZZER
And that sound signals time is up
and it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by 5 points to 1.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Sally Phillips.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Sally Phillips who's given us
more barefaced cheek than a leapfrog
competition at a nudist colony.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie To You,
the show teeming with tall tales,
and tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight -
a comedian who once starred
in a programme to find the world's
most dangerous road.
Turns out it's the one
between Snappy Snaps
and George Michael's house,
it's Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedy actress currently
on our screens in Miranda
who also co-created Smack The Pony,
a sketch show that received
critical acclaim,
Emmy awards and a stern letter
from the RSPCA.
It's Sally Phillips.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a showbiz legend whose TV show
once drew an audience
of 15 million people.
Admittedly, there were only two
channels and no remote control -
Des O'Connor!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a lady who co-stars with Bruce
Forsyth on Strictly Come Dancing,
but she's here
tonight in her own right,
so there'll be no more
mention of Brucie.
It's nice to see her,
to see her nice, Tess Daly!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out
a statement. To make things
harder, they've never seen
the card before, so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Des, you're first up tonight.
LAUGHTER
For three days running,
I accidentally ate cat food
for dinner.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Right, um.
LAUGHTER
So how did this happen?
It was an accident.
But it happened for three days,
so we're looking at nine meals.
No, I didn't eat every meal,
but I ate on one of the meals
one a lunch time,
one a snack and one a dinner.
But not necessarily in that order.
And I'm assuming you thought
the cat food was something else?
Why would you assume that?
Because otherwise, Des,
it's not an accident.
LAUGHTER
Was it wet or dry cat food?
I'm not a cat, I don't know.
But as a, you know,
a highly evolved mammal, you do know
the difference between wet and dry.
It depends what
we're talking about.
Des, have you, have you got a cat?
No.
I would point...
There's a chink in this,
isn't there, there's a little
chink in this.
I would point out that this didn't
happen at home, obviously.
- Where did it happen? - Abroad.
I was abroad in a foreign country.
- Which foreign country?
- Which foreign country?
I don't know,
I didn't see their flag.
How did you eventually find out
that it was cat food?
I had rented a place.
It was in Spain.
I had rented a villa, and I had
to go and do my own shopping.
And I was walking around
and I saw these tins
with a little fish on the side.
I thought, that'll do.
I don't speak Spanish that well.
I bought it back and I was opening
it, and the lady who was
doing the house went, "No, no, no,
miaow, miaow, miaow."
LAUGHTER
- What did you think it was, Des?
- I thought it was a kind of fish.
- Like a tuna, perhaps? - Yes.
I'm surprised
there wasn't a picture of a cat.
LEE: Why would there be
a picture of a cat?
You don't get a picture of a human
on a Pot Noodle, do you?
- You always have a picture of a cat
on cat food. Even in Spain.
- Not always.
- I could give you an example
when there wasn't. - When?
Des, tell him again.
Right, David, what are you going
to say? What's your guess?
Is he telling the truth?
I'm beginning to think it's true,
I must say. I'm sorry, Des.
I'm coming round to it.
- David? - I think it's true.
So, Des, are you telling
the truth or telling a lie?
They all think it's the truth,
but...
it's the truth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Des did accidentally eat cat food
for dinner for three days running.
It was his cleaner who first noticed
something was wrong.
Namely that Des was licking himself
clean in front of the fire
and going to the toilet in a tray.
Rhod Gilbert, you're next.
I cannot go on airport travelators.
The one and only time I did,
I got so freaked out by
how superhumanly fast I was walking
that I had to be taken
to the sick bay to calm down.
Lee, what do you think?
Right, just how fast
would you say you were going?
Superhuman was the word I used.
OK. How fast would you define
"superhuman"?
- Because I've got my own definition.
- What's yours? - Ah! I asked you first.
Let's just say it went very fast,
and I didn't like it.
You say you had to be escorted off
and taken to the sick bay?
I wasn't escorted off - I got
off the end and sought assistance.
- You felt nauseous?
- Yes, that's right, I felt NAUS-eous.
What's the difference
between NAUS-eous and nauseous?
David, what's the difference?
Excuse me! You could have asked me!
Excuse me! I'm a human being!
I'm imagining you'll refer me
to David.
David, what's the difference
between nauseous...
is it simply pronunciation?
- I think it's simply pronunciation,
Rob. - Thank you, David. As you were.
I'll tell you another thing
I don't like - it freaks me out
when escalators don't work.
You know when you go up an escalator,
and you're exhausted,
and your legs are burning
and they don't work.
It's more tiring than the stairs,
and when you get to the top,
you fly off the end like that?
That freaks me out.
That, I don't like that feeling
of lack of control.
The escalator doesn't work, yet you
still fly off the top. Why's that?
- I don't think you do fly off the
top. - No, you do fly off the top.
That is your brain
telling you a lie.
No, my brain doesn't tell me
anything. Honestly.
Rhod's brain does not tell him
anything.
It's not my brain telling me that
I'm flying off the escalator.
You're saying at the top
of a stationary escalator,
you're in some way thrown off
the end of it as if it were moving.
That's nothing to do with the
electrical motor in the escalator
- that isn't turned on.
- I'm not saying it is!
That's because you're using
a certain amount of extra energy
in order to go up some stairs,
and then suddenly it seems,
well, you'll find that at the top
of a normal flight of stairs.
- No, you won't. - Yes, you will!
Nobody flies off the top
of normal stairs!
Hang on, let's give it a little go.
Whoa! You're right, David!
You're quite right.
What are you on about?
What I'm going to tell you now,
Rhod, you may not be ready to hear,
but the feeling of getting
to the top of a normal
flight of stairs and
the feeling of getting to the top
of an escalator that is not
turned on IS the same.
- Rubbish, it's not. It's not. - It is
the same. - It's not. - This is madness.
It's not.
- You started off saying... - I'm not
going to discuss it any more.
I've told you the information, and,
at some point, you will accept it.
Rhod, you're on this travelator.
I was.
And you didn't like the fact
you were going so fast.
Would that be a fair assessment?
That's exactly what I said, so yes.
Why didn't you stop walking,
so you weren't going as fast?
I just don't like the way they...
shift along. I just don't like it.
Oh, it's the up-and-down motion!
There's that little cushioned
padding in it.
You could have walked backwards
and then you'd have been
standing still,
if you'd judged the speed right.
Well, I had a plane to catch, David.
- What do you think, Lee? - Tess, what
do you think? - I'm trying to read
his body language,
because I'm a woman,
and we do intuition very well.
He's very laid back
and he seems very committed.
- He might be telling the truth.
- What about you, Des?
- I think he's telling the truth.
Thank you, Des. - I think he might be
telling the truth.
You're saying true?
- True. - True. Rhod, truth or lie?
- It is...
a lie!
Yes, it's a lie. Of course,
Rhod can use airport travelators.
Our next round is called
This Is My...where I bring on
a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them that
has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome
this week's special guest, Tony!
APPLAUSE
Welcome, Tony.
Rhod, what is Tony to you?
This is Tony.
And for five years,
he was my badminton doubles partner.
Right, Sally,
what is your relationship with Tony?
This is my Uncle Tony,
and last year, I had a go
on his mobility scooter
and I drove it into
a pond and wrote it off.
Finally, David,
how do you know Tony?
This is Tony, and when I was little,
he used to help me
get to sleep by telling me
bedtime stories about the war.
Isn't that lovely? There we are.
So, Rhod's badminton buddy,
Sally's scooterless uncle
or David's bedtime storyteller?
Before you start asking, I'm going
to bring a chair on for you,
and you can have a lovely sit down
there. There we are.
You relax there.
- Lee? - Sally, does
he use the mobility scooter a lot?
He's had two hip replacements.
So he can get by without it?
The fact he walked on fine,
he can get by.
I don't think they're just for old
people. I've got a bath with a door.
I think it's nice.
That was more a DIY mishap, though,
wasn't it?
I think it's nice
to open the door, step in,
wait for 19 or 20 minutes
while it slowly fills up
in the freezing cold.
I think it's lovely.
Why did you take the mobility
scooter in the first place?
Because I was going to play
a psychopath in a film,
a psychopath on mobility scooter,
and I said, "Can I have a go?"
because I can't drive a car.
Sally, how far did you drive
before you went into the pond?
A good distance.
I didn't know I had it in reverse.
So you were very close to the pond?
It wasn't far from the pond,
but it was facing that way,
and I took it out of park,
the wrong way, and went backwards.
Was your uncle with you at the time?
Yes.
How much instruction did
Tony give you before you got on?
Well, he thought,
as he said afterwards over tea,
many, many times, that it was quite
self-evident
how one drove this thing.
He said all it had was
a little gear tiller,
- and he thought even a nincompoop...
TESS: - Backwards and forwards...
Did he say gear tiller?
That's a nautical expression.
You obviously felt
on some subconscious level
more comfortable at sea.
- Did you buy your Uncle Tony another
mobility scooter? - I did.
How much was that mobility scooter?
Yes, how much that mobility scooter?
- It was ?1,500.
- For a brand-new mobility scooter?
Hang on, is that right, Des?
- How long ago were they, that you
were playing badminton doubles?
- That we were doubles partners? - Yes.
10-15 years.
LEE: And when did this end?
When did this end?
We had to stop
because...I was getting on a bit.
- How did your partnership begin?
- Well, we played for the same club.
What was the club called?
Um...it was in West London.
West London. You can't remember
the name of the club?
- It was called Old Actonians.
- Old Actonians Badminton Club? - Yes.
Did you wear the full gear,
short shorts, you know?
No, I wore a miner's helmet,
and he wore a frogman's outfit!
Of course we did, Des!
- Did you ever win anything,
yourself and Tony?
- We won a lot, yeah.
And why did you come about
playing together?
No disrespect, but why didn't you
go for someone more of your age?
Because we complemented
each other's game.
When you say, "complemented
each other's game", you went,
"You're good", "So are you, come on."
Out of you two badminton players,
who would you say was the better?
Tony was a much, much better player
than me. Tony played for England.
ROB LAUGHS
This started out,
"We were just knocking around
"in a West London club." Now
he is the Rafael Nadal of badminton.
If he played for England
and he was so good,
why is he choosing you
to partner him?
I think it would be fair,
and Tony wouldn't mind me saying...
when I played with him,
he would have been probably
in his early 70s.
Whoa, whoa!
When you were playing with him?
When I was playing with him, yeah.
OK. The prime age for badminton.
Particularly at international level.
OK, David.
What's your connection with Tony?
He lived next door when I was
little. And he read bedtime stories?
- He would occasionally babysit for me
and my brother.
TESS: - It's feasible.
Made up, or these were his stories
from the war?
Not out of a book,
but ostensibly true.
Did he ever just shout them
through the wall?
"We were surrounded by Germans.
And so, basically..." "I'm trying
to get to sleep." "I don't care."
- How old were you?
- I think I would have been...
23!
I think it was around the time
I was five, six, seven.
It could happen. I had a neighbour
who would sing me nursery rhymes
and bounce me on his knee.
Am I the only one who had parents?
What's going on here?
I think perhaps what it was, Lee,
with you is your parents found
it hard to find
any other adult who was willing
to take sole responsibility for you.
Now, let me ask you this,
would Tony ever come round,
not for babysitting,
but just to tell you
some of the stories,
or would it only happen
when he was babysitting?
I think it started
when he was babysitting,
but he'd come round
quite a bit anyway.
Oh!
You just did an upwards inflection!
I've never heard you do that before.
That's so not like you.
"Sometimes he would
come round, ANYWAY!"
What's happened to you?
Look, I'm on national television
and I'm getting a bit defensive
about talking about
my abuse-ridden childhood.
That's all!
Of all the war stories he told you
to help you go to sleep,
what would you say
was your favourite?
The thing I found most interesting
was the story Tony told about
his mother,
who, during the war,
worked in the library in Oxford.
This is the interesting one?
And what she had to do
was compile and analyse
and place photographs
of the Japanese coastline.
I tell you what,
it's getting better. Carry on.
This was in preparation
for an invasion of Japan.
And you said, "Thank you..." -
as a five-year-old -
"..that's very interesting."
Because by the end of the story,
I was asleep.
It's time for an answer, Lee.
So, is Tony...?
Sorry, I'm trying to get the idea
out of my head
of passing David's door
and hearing a man inside going,
"Obviously, with the coastal
line of Tokyo, it's very hard
"to determine whether we should have
a land invasion or by...
Oh, you're asleep.
"OK. Nighty night!
"Sleep tight!
Don't let the Japanese invade!"
I think, Rhod we can discount.
There were too many flaws.
I agree with you,
I think it's one of the other two.
I've got a horrible feeling that
it's David in the middle there.
I know which one David is.
All right, what about the mobility
scooter with Sally?
- Have you ever taken your driving
test? - No, I've never even taken it.
I've never learned to drive.
You can't emphasise the word
"even" if it's the same thing.
"Have you taking your driving test?"
"I've not EVEN taken it."
So, Lee's team,
is Tony Rhod's badminton buddy,
Sally's scooterless uncle
or David's bedtime storyteller?
- What are you going to say? - It's not
Rhod. - Tess, what you going for?
- Sally.
I think David. And in a weird way,
I've now gone back to Rhod.
I have. Thank you. I can see
it in his little Welsh eyes.
In his little devious Welsh eyes.
Trust me, if there's one thing
I know about working on this show,
it's little devious Welsh eyes.
- Rhod or Sally? - It's Sally.
- Sally? Yeah, Sally. - Sally.
Right, Tony, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Tony,
and Rhod was my badminton
partner for five years.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Tony was Rob's badminton
doubles partner.
- Tony, thank you very much.
- Well, thank you.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies,
in which our panellists lie not
only through their teeth
but also against the clock,
and we start with...
BUZZER
It's Lee.
Possession.
Right, well, in that case,
step this way and take the card,
read the card to us,
and when you've done that,
you can reveal your possession.
In Thailand, I paid ?200 to have
my portrait painted by a monkey.
This is that portrait.
- David, what do you think?
- What colour shirt were you wearing?
You probably want to ask less
what colour shirt I was wearing
and what colours were available
to the monkey at the time.
You don't particularly remember
it being green?
No, and I don't remember
having four green ears either.
What colours were available
to the monkey?
Blue, red, green
and its own excrement?
That's my face!
Can I just say, I was recently
at a zoo
where I was painting with chimps,
in the Colwyn Bay mountains
in North Wales, and I tried to get
them to paint stuff,
and there's no way
they'd have done that well.
I'm not being racist,
but that's your Welsh chimp.
- That's all I'm saying.
- How big was the chimp?
Well, let me remember now.
He was sort of like this.
I'd say he was about...
that big sat down,
so that plus
a couple of chimp's legs.
I honestly don't think that a
monkey... There is a sort of mouth
on that and there's two blue blobs
for eyes - monkeys can't do that.
You think it's too good
is what you're saying.
Yes. I think the resemblance
is too strong.
It's even got your little
squinty eyes.
Don't push your luck.
The things I have to put up
with on this show.
You're wondering why it's like this,
OK? No, a chimp did it...
It could have been better,
but he was a surrealist.
David, what are you going to say?
Is this story true?
I think it's a lie.
I think it's an absolutely pointless
act to get a monkey to paint
a picture of you, and I think Lee
would also have thought that.
I think Rhod thinks it's a lie,
we know that. Sally?
He looks like a hard man.
He wouldn't be easily fooled.
- David, you're saying a lie? - I think
we all think it's a lie, yeah.
- Lee? - It feels weird being up here
- and not being able to press
something. Do you mind? - Not at all.
It is, in fact...
a lie.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Yes, what a surprise.
It was a lie. - Of course it's a lie!
How am I supposed
to sell that as the truth?!
Do you know what?
I'm glad it's not mine.
How am I supposed to have a chance?
If my four-year-old son
is watching, erm...
..thanks for doing it, and I'll
fix it and I'll bring it home.
Tell him I want my 200 quid back
and the monkey suit.
Yes, it was, of course, a lie.
Lee didn't pay ?200
to have his portrait painted
by a monkey in Thailand.
Why would a dumb, hairy beast
who spends all day throwing
his faeces at the wall
and scratching his bottom want
a portrait from a monkey?
And next...
..it's Sally.
Out loud, Sally.
Because he swims in our local pool,
my husband and I play a game
over text called I've Just Been
In The Water With Trevor McDonald.
I'm currently beating him 3-2.
Well, it sounds plausible.
Did I have a couple of blackouts
in that sentence?
I suppose there might be some people
watching who aren't aware
of who Sir Trevor McDonald is.
He's the esteemed newsreader
and journalist. Just in case.
There could be some young people
who don't know who he is.
So if you go swimming,
and Trevor McDonald's in there,
- you get a point?
That's the rules, right? - Yeah.
- Do you live near him?
- I do live near him.
- Do you ever talk to Trevor McDonald?
- Not really.
I made eye contact with him when
we were both buying fireworks once.
You didn't bother playing the game,
I've Made Eye Contact With
Trevor McDonald Over Fireworks?
- That didn't catch on? - No, because
it's important he's in the water.
Sally, who saw him first?
My husband saw him first, cos I'm
quite short-sighted, as you can see.
- Was he swimming? - Yes, he was
swimming and... - And what?
He wears nose clips.
Does he? Are you concerned that
he's going to watch this programme,
- and this is now going to be awkward?
- I am a bit concerned.
The person who'll be
really gutted is my dad.
He says hello to him
in the supermarket.
He's got his own game going
with your mum, has he?
It all started cos my dad was
name-dropping Trevor McDonald...
"Trevor McDonald said hello..."
so we started going one better...
You live in a very small village,
don't you?
You know this is true, don't you?
Of course, because we live near
each other in show-business land.
There's a swimming pool,
a fireworks shop and a supermarket.
It's a lovely place!
Is he a serious swimmer doing laps?
- He goes up and down.
- You mean on the spot?
Up and down would signify sinking
and desperately trying...
- You mean back and forth.
- He does lengths.
- What's his stroke? - He alternates.
- He alternates between what?
- Between breaststroke and front
crawl. - Which do you prefer?
I'm afraid I have
to do breaststroke.
You've got to keep your head
above the water to keep
a lookout for newsreaders.
So what do you think, Lee?
What do you think -
is Sally telling the truth?
You're making it up, it's a fib.
- What do you think? - I think
it's true. - You think it's true?
- Yeah, I think it's true. - I'll go
for...true. - You're saying true. OK.
Sally Phillips, truth or lie?
It is a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Sally and her husband don't play
a game over the text called
I've Just Been In The Water
With Trevor McDonald. Next...
it's David.
On a wall in my flat,
there is a mysterious red switch.
I have no idea what it does,
because I have never pressed it
and refuse to do so.
Right, mysterious red switches. Lee?
Where's the switch?
It's on the wall.
Sort of, not directly,
but slightly behind the television.
Haven't you just...been tempted
to touch it? See what it does?
It's not that distracting.
It's bright red, I'd say it's about
maybe three quarters of an inch
or an inch wide.
It sounds like one of
those cooker switches, doesn't it?
It's a bit like that. It's cocked
up in a sort of inviting way that
you might want to give a tweak to.
You'd have to flick it down. Exactly.
That's always more scary, isn't it?
If it were down, I'd assume that
whatever it does was happening.
Right. I'd be afraid to turn it off,
because I might need it.
It might turn the oxygen off. You've
never gone near it, never touched it?
I've gone near it.
I've gone very near it!
I don't live in a very large flat.
I can't cordon off a
whole area of the living room
just because of the
proximity of a mysterious switch.
I need that space.
How long have you been in your flat
and ignored this switch?
I moved into the flat
about 11 years ago.
That's a long time
to ignore a switch.
But sometimes I do other things.
It's not just been solidly ignoring
the switch 24 hours a day.
How is your granddad's dialysis
machine going at the moment?
Lee, what are you going to say?
This mysterious switch, is it true?
I started believing it,
because I thought, yeah, you have
those switches in your house
and don't know what they are for.
- I've got them. - But you'd have
to flick the switch?
- I'd have to flick it.
- I would be flicking that switch.
You can't not fiddle, can you? It's
there, you've got to play with it.
LAUGHTER
I remember seeing
an episode of the show
when David talked about
his bedroom door,
which didn't have a door handle.
He had to claw his door open
every time
he opened his bedroom door, so he's
not going to bother about a switch.
- He lives in a slum.
- Basically, yes, he does.
- He lives in a slum.
- So I say it's true.
If they paid proper repeat fees
on Dave, it would be different.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lee, what are you going to say -
truth or lie?
Des? He's telling a lie. You think
he's telling a lie. Yes. Why?
I don't think he could ignore it.
Look at that intelligent face,
look at that beard.
He does look like a professor.
- He doesn't have a bedroom door
handle, Des. - How do you know?
LAUGHTER
- So truth or lie? - I think I will go
with...Tess and say it's true.
- You're saying it's true. David,
truth or lie? - It is...
true.
Yes! Finally!
Success!
Yes, it's true.
David does have a mysterious red
switch on the wall of his flat
which he's never pressed.
BUZZER
And that sound signals time is up
and it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by 5 points to 1.
APPLAUSE
But it's not just a team game,
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Sally Phillips.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Sally Phillips who's given us
more barefaced cheek than a leapfrog
competition at a nudist colony.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd