Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Episode #6.3 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Ha-ha!
Good evening
and welcome to Would I Lie to You?,
the show with tremendous truths
and humungous lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a man whose TV show is called
Richard Bacon's Beer And Pizza Club.
Not only is it good fun,
but if it comes on TV
more than five minutes late,
you get free garlic bread.
It's Richard Bacon.
APPLAUSE
And, erm, the man who gave us
Touch The Truck, Pets Win Prizes
and Hole In The Wall, yet still no
BAFTA, it's Dale Winton.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter who's
so immersed in the culture
of horse racing,
when she buys a new pair of shoes,
it's all she can do
to stop herself nailing them on.
- It's Clare Balding.
- APPLAUSE
And a comedian
and star of the very realistic
Call The Midwife.
I didn't watch it myself,
I just stayed the other side of the
screen and offered encouragement.
- It's Miranda Hart.
- APPLAUSE
And so we begin with
Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them
and to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
So they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
- Dale is first up tonight.
- OK.
As a child, rather than sleeping
with a comfort blanket
or teddy bear,
I slept with a potato.
LAUGHTER
Lee Mack, what do you think?
Was it the same potato or did you
have different potatoes
over the years?
That was the problem
because you get attached to a potato
so when you get attached to
a potato, it's rotting a bit
but it's your comfort,
it's like you...
Your teddy bear smells of your old
teddy bear or whatever
it happens to be.
The potato was my favourite potato
and I used to draw on it.
So it was one potato the whole time?
The actual truth is,
it was taken away from me
and I cried and I cried and I cried
but they threw it out
so it took me another three or four
weeks to get used to the new potato.
Dale,
did they have names, your potatoes?
No.
You slept with a potato that you
didn't even know its name.
- Well... - You slag!
Did you hug them, did you have them
close to your face?
I used to put it on the pillow,
like that, and I used to bash it.
- What? - What?
Why did you bash it?
Is that how you show love, Dale?
What's the bashing?
Well, I used to, I used to
like the dent it made in the pillow.
Oh, you'd bash it onto
the pillow and then you'd sleep?
So, then I'd take it out. "That's
where you're going to bed later."
Be honest, Dale, is the truth
of this story that your parents
would shout through the door,
"What are you doing in there?"
You'd say, "Nothing,
just bashing the potato."
You haven't asked me
why I stopped,
and this is why you'll realise...
Oh, Dale, why did you stop?
Because Mrs Marks, who
was our next door neighbour,
I heard her talking to my mother
in the driveway and I heard
Mrs Marks say to my mother, "Is he
still sleeping with a potato?"
I think that they'd been talking
about it and she probably said to
Mrs Marks, "Did any of your children
ever want to sleep with a potato?"
- So what are you thinking, Lee?
- Miranda.
I sort of want it to be true.
Because he's so sweet.
I do think the two winning things
are "That's where you're
going to sleep," and Mrs Marks.
D'you know what?
I think Mrs Marks exists
and I like Mrs Marks, I like what
she represents, she represents
the sanity of the street.
Whereas the Wintons,
they're all over the shop.
So what are you gonna say, Lee?
What's it gonna be?
- You think it's true? I do think
it's true. - I think it's true.
I'll go with my team
and say that it's true.
You're saying it's true, OK.
Dale Winton, the potato, in the bed,
was it the truth or was it a lie?
I have slept with many things over
the years cos I'm a very old man,
but I have never slept
with a potato - it's a lie.
That's very good.
Yes, it was a very convincing lie.
As a child, Dale didn't
sleep with a potato.
Richard, you're next.
OK, when I worked in McDonalds,
my long-term girlfriend joined
the queue to my till and when she
got to the counter, she dumped me.
Lee, Lee, Lee.
How old were you?
- I was 18, I think I was 18.
- OK, so you're 18 years old.
How long did you consider
a long-term girlfriend to be
- when you were 18. - Well, she
was actually my first girlfriend.
Her name was,
presumably is, Kate.
She could have died.
I mean, I don't know.
Yeah, look on the bright side!
Kay dumped you,
was she special?
She was, she was.
- It's a "Special K" joke, I'm not
explaining them all. - Very good.
Can I mention Special K,
or do I have to mention
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes?
Well, I think
when it comes to breakfast cereals,
there is one that stands head
and shoulders above all the rest.
So how long was long term?
Two years. But when you're 18,
that's a long-term relationship.
Can you remember what
she said to you?
I can't, Miranda, no, but...
what made it doubly heartbreaking
was I, I loved that job and...
- What? - You didn't get
the sack, did you?
Well, no, but I was very...
I loved the job and then she came in
and broke my heart at this place
that meant so much to me
and that added to the emotional
impact of what she said.
What was it about the
job that you loved so much?
Let me tell you
a fact about this place.
This is amazing, right?
The regular meat which
is the meat that
goes in their signature burger...
it goes from frozen to fully
cooked in 44 seconds.
I found this amazing.
Fascinating.
I wonder why she dumped you?
I think we should get back
to the girl.
She got to the front of the queue,
she dumped me there and then.
I left my station, didn't serve
the other customers and then I went
to the store room and I sat on a box
of gherkins and I cried my eyes out.
Oh, that's gherkins for you, though.
Kay put in her order.
- She puts in her order and
says I would like... - Kate.
- Oh, Kate.
- Oh, that changes everything..
What's her name? Kate.
The Special K joke doesn't work.
I didn't want to say anything.
- Kate. - Kate. - I thought
it deserved a bigger laugh.
I wondered why
the hell you said it!
You're always trying to work it
round to Crunchy Nut.
Leave him alone.
Why don't...? Richard, you be
young Richard, OK,
at the counter of this
fast-food outlet.
David. You are a normal customer.
Dale is Kate.
Could I please have a, a,
a Filet-O-Fish but with no cheese?
Hold the cheese, and put the cheese
on the chips, please.
Excuse me, sorry, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me...
Where are the toilets?
They're just, they're actually just
next to my till, actually,
the door's just about there.
I'll...see you later, Kate.
Oh, gosh, it's my girlfriend, Kate.
Hello, Kate.
Well, I thought I'd come in
and see you tonight.
I haven't heard...
LAUGHTER
What's funny about that?
Oh, it's Meryl Streep
in The Iron Lady.
I'm afraid, Richard, it's over.
You're just not my kind of guy.
SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS THEME
Aw, beautiful.
So, what are you thinking, Lee?
Does this sound credible to you?
I'm suddenly going truth, I think
he was dumped in a queue at said
burger joint.
I find it staggering that he
remembers all the facts that he
remembers about how long it takes
meat to defrost and yet he cannot
remember what she actually said when
she got to the front of the queue.
- But is he...?
- The answer to that is, he's a man.
So, Lee, what's it going to be,
truth or lie?
- You're saying lie, Clare?
- I am. - Miranda says true.
- Yeah. - Go on, we'll go with Miranda
and say it's true.
You're saying it's true.
OK. Richard Bacon,
was that the truth or was it a lie?
That story...is...
true.
AUDIENCE GASPS
- Well done, well done, well done.
- DAVID: Thank you for sharing.
Yes, it's true. When Richard
worked in a fast-food restaurant,
his long-term girlfriend
joined the queue to his till
and dumped him when she got
to the counter, and then,
to rub salt in the wound,
she ordered a Happy Meal.
LAUGHTER
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guests, Robert and Will.
APPLAUSE
So, Clare, what are Robert
and Will to you?
This is Robert and Will.
They do my garden
and to avoid the embarrassment of me
ever getting them mixed up,
I call them both Barry.
OK. Lee, how do you know
Robert and Will?
This is Robert and Will.
I once used them
to convince an audience
I could teleport people.
And finally, Miranda, your
relationship with Robert and Will?
This is Robert and Will.
I was a judge at the
Identical Twins Of The Year award
and they came third,
but we had to disqualify them
because it turns out
they were two of triplets.
Wow, there we have it.
So, Clare's green-fingered
Barrys, Lee's teleporting twosome,
or Miranda's cheating triplets.
David, where, where do you begin?
Explain the rationale behind the
Identical Twins Of The Year awards.
Well, I have to say, when I was
asked to come along and judge,
I was a little confused but I think
there's a sort of magazine or
trade magazine or it's part...
or there was some...
A trade magazine? What's the trade?
- Twins!
- The...the marketing of twins?
- Twins.
- Yeah, I've heard of that.
I've actually heard
of the competition.
There is a competition to
do with twins.
What do they
do in the competition?
There's the physical lookalike
thing, how much they look alike.
Right.
And then they also do kind of games,
like Mr & Mrs type games
so it's a personality thing,
as well.
Did they win, or...?
No, they came third.
But they were disqualified.
- Why? Oh, cos of the triplets thing?
- Yeah.
And we did see a third.
I didn't see it,
but apparently there is a third one.
So the third triplet
turned up to this event?
- Yes! - That's not exactly
Moscow rules, is it?
The third one was picking them
up to take them home.
- And was seen. - Clare.
Robert and Will are your gardeners,
and you call them both Barry.
Mm-hmm.
Isn't that a bit of a sort of an
affront to their individuality?
No, because the first time
I did it, I said,
"Would you like a cup of tea,
Barry, love?"
As soon as you say "love",
they're fine with it,
they just smiled, had a cup of tea
and they were fine, and do you know,
when sound engineers work
a lot on outside broadcasts, they
all call each other Percy, they all
call each other Perce, and so they
call me Perce as well and I call
them Perce, and I called them Barry.
- Yeah. - Why?
Because they can't remember
everyone's name.
Are you sure they're not trying to
mug you? Purse!
RICHARD: Those nails are very clean
for gardeners.
Well, I hope they've had a bath
before they've come.
But they are pristine, beautiful,
soft hands.
I'm not coming on to you!
- Richard, if you want to go and have
a look, you can. - Thank you.
- I'd love to. - You can't touch,
but you can look.
- Would you like a look, Dale?
- Not particularly.
- Really? - Oh, go on, then!
I'm now not as attracted
to these hands as I was!
- There's dirt under the nails.
- Don't touch, Dale.
Could you turn them over?
DAVID: I feel I should have a look,
as well.
It'd look unconscientious.
This here...
That could be the remnants of soil.
They're not very big, so...
You know what your gardener's hands
look like?
I'm like everyone else here,
apparently, I don't have a gardener.
You'd probably expect I'd have about
nine.
What did you think of what you saw,
Richard?
How did the hands rate for you?
That's actually thrown me a little.
I regret going over there,
to be honest.
- Did they look like...?
- Well, from this distance,
they were beautiful, pristine,
manicured hands.
Close up,
there's dirt under the nails.
LEE: I hope these poor fellas are
gardeners!
They're not, by the way!
Erm, Lee?
Yes?
You're going to bother going through
this one, are you?!
What was this particular show?
You were trying to pretend
- that you were able to teleport
people? - Correct.
- Was it a stage show or TV show?
- Was it a stage show or TV show?
That's funny,
are you an interpreter of Dale?!
I thought you'd said it. I'd missed
it so asked my captain.
Sorry, what's your friend saying,
David?
Was it a stage show or a TV show?
OK, it was a stage show.
And where was it on?
It was on at the Hackney Empire.
And when was it on?
It was on in the mid-'90s.
And what was it called?
It was a new act competition
for new people and I thought
I'll do a magic trick
cos it'll impress everyone.
Yeah, to make up for the comedy.
What did you say at the end?
"I'm sorry, everyone,
but I CAN teleport."
Talk me through the act.
What did you do?
- Magic Circle, love, Magic Circle.
- Right. - Can't tell you anything.
He's going to tell us...
So, what's the illusion
we're supposed to be seeing?
I'm not going to tell you
how I did it. It's the Magic Circle!
You're not going to say you made it
look as if you teleported!
Oh, I see. Yeah, very wise!
I'm not giving away my secrets
on television!
So, go on, Lee, what did you do?
You're there on the stage,
the audience are enrapt.
I come on and I bring someone
out the audience,
and then I put them in a box
at one side of the stage,
or in a cupboard actually,
I put them in a cupboard,
and then I do a bit of
the showbiz magic... Yeah.
Said a few words... Can't remember
now, might have been "Alakazam".
And then I opened up a box
and out comes the first person
who's gone in out the other...
Well, it looks like that,
but he was already in the box.
And he sits down and the audience
give me a big round of applause,
so that's actually quite good.
He goes and sits down in the seat.
So you've done the teleport thing,
then what?
Straight into the levitation,
I'm not an idiot.
Actually, as a technique
for a magic trick
to try and make it look as though
someone's magicked across the room,
- it's clever to use identical twins.
- DALE: Do you still do it in the act?
- Hey, don't tell me, tell the judges
that night. - How did you do?
Awful, came third,
turns out I was a triplet.
Right, we need an answer,
so David's team,
are Robert and Will
Clare's green-fingered Barrys,
Lee's teleporting twosome,
or Miranda's cheating triplets?
What do you think, Dale?
I think it's Lee, I think
he's telling the truth.
- OK. Richard, what about you?
- I don't believe Lee.
They had a bit of soil on their
hands. I think they're gardeners.
David, what about you?
I don't think Lee
did a random magic trick
at the beginning of his try-out spot
at the Hackney Empire in 1995.
Maybe he did,
but I just don't believe it.
So I think I agree with Richard.
- I think it's Clare. I think it's...
- You think it's Clare? - Yeah.
OK, here we go.
Robert and Will, would you
please reveal your true identity?
- I'm Robert. - I'm Will, and Lee
tried to convince an audience
that he could teleport.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes. Lee used Robert and Will
to convince an audience
he could teleport someone. Thank you
very much, Robert and Will.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.
We start with...
Lee.
- Possession. - Right,
there's a box under the desk, Lee.
Now, I'd like you to take
the item out of the box
and hold the object,
then read the card out, please.
This is my dibber. I donated it
to the British Lawnmower Museum
where it is now a permanent exhibit.
- Right, David. - What is a dibber?
What's a dibber? A dibber...
That's a good question, David.
And would you believe me
if I was to say I don't know?
But it's a... It's a...
- Yes, I would. - I'll mime it for you!
Could be any of these. OK, yeah.
It's to do with gardening.
So what does your dibber do?
- Pardon? - What does your dibber do?
Are you... Are you Fred Flintstone?
Answer the question!
What does your dibber do?
I'm not 100% sure, but at a guess,
I would say the dibber is for
pushing holes in the ground,
and then maybe popping something
in there like a seed. I see.
How did your dibber come to be
in the British Lawnmower Museum?
I'll tell you, Inspector Morse.
Have you ever been to Southport,
my home town?
- Er, I have, yes. - Oh, great!
Can I start again?
- Yes. - Right, I have never been
to the British Lawnmower...
I was online, I was online!
But it is in Southport?
It is in Southport, that's true,
and I did see it online.
What did you put into Google
that that came up?
Well, you don't want to know that!
But I noticed on the website
there was a bit that said,
"The tools of the rich and famous."
"Famous tools" is what I typed in.
There is actually...
I do know for a fact that there is
a British Lawnmower Museum,
because I have donated a trowel.
- You haven't! I - have, honestly, Rob.
I donated a trowel.
What IS this museum?!
But surely they want a lawnmower?
- So you saw the Lawnmower Museum
online. - Online.
- With a list of celebrity artefacts.
- There was quite a few.
Brian May from Queen
had given a lawnmower.
Joe Pasquale had given a strimmer.
So what happened then?
I thought it'd be nice to do
cos it's my home town.
Sorry, you saw that and you thought,
"I want a piece of that."
I want a piece of the action.
Prince Charles, he gave something.
- This is where the story falls apart.
- No, that's not where
it's falling apart!
But what is asked to donate to...?
I wanted to donate something
and thought it'd be nice
to have something of mine,
cos it's my home town.
So you picked up the phone...
I picked up... You're still doubting
my abilities, aren't you David?
HE SCREAMS
It is not your ability
to make a phone call...
"There's a man in the phone!"
Are you seriously saying
that the fact that you could
have physically made this phone call
means I should believe that you did?
I picked up the phone.
You say, "I could have made the
call. I'm physically capable.
Therefore, it happened, David,
end of story."
I phoned them up, I said,
"I'd like to donate something,"
they said, "What have you got?"
I said, "Dibber."
- You knew its name?
- Well, actually, I...yes.
- You knew its name
but didn't know what it was for?
- That's actually not true.
So what did you say? I took advice
before the phone call. From whom?
- From who? - From whom? - I'm not doing
it if you put an M at the end.
- All right, from who? - Thank you.
Who's putting the M at the end,
know what I mean?
No-one any more, no-one!
Who did you take advice from?!
I shall tell you.
You found a thing in the shed,
didn't know you owned it,
you didn't know what it was,
who did you ask about it?
You want to know from who?
I want to... I want to know
who you asked about that object
- in order to find out what
it was called. - I shall tell you.
Well, please!
David Tennant, or as I call him,
Dr Whom. You asked...?
- You asked Dr Whom? - Dr Whom.
- Who did you ask? - Tom Baker.
There are seven billion humans
on Earth.
Please, let's not eliminate them
one by one.
Er, I asked my wife.
So David, what do you think? Is Lee
telling the truth or is he lying?
- Dale? - I don't believe a word of it.
If it is true, it's one of the best
acting performances I've ever seen.
Thank you, if it's true.
- You think it's true?
- No, I do not. No, it's a lie.
- OK, what are going to say? - We think
it's a lie. - You think it's a lie?
OK. Lee, truth or lie?
It is in fact...
true.
Not only is it true,
but how exciting is this?
We've got a picture.
There it is, in situ,
at the British Lawnmower Museum.
Yes, incredible, isn't it, eh?
Just a simple tool...
who donated his dibber to the
British Lawnmower museum. Next.
It's Miranda.
I once embarrassed myself in front
of the local vicar at Christmas.
- Is that it?! - Vague, isn't it?
Is that all we're getting?
Well, no, we can get more.
- What happened?
- Well, er, it was Christmas,
and the vicar had to come round
to my aunt and uncle's
where I was having Christmas.
Sort of drinks, I think.
I went to sit next to him
and sat sort of...
- and sat on the edge of a sofa. - Mm.
And as I sort of sat back like that,
I broke enormous wind.
And did he say anything?
- He sort of...
- AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS LOUDLY
LAUGHTER
He's here!
No, I don't think he did, which
is what made it so funny for me.
Why did you go over to sit next
to the vicar to start with?
Because I think my sister
was there, and I thought,
"Oh, no, she's been lumbered
with the vicar,"
and I thought, "Oh, she might
need some conversational help."
- Brilliant! - Yeah.
- Which I sort of provided!
What direction was the vicar
at this point?
I don't know if he was down
or upwind, but he was involved.
You saw his hair move?
I think, actually, what I did was...
That is a great image, isn't it?
I think I burst out laughing
and did one of those laugh-spits.
Laugh-spits?! So having farted
at the man, you then spat on him?
- You know when you go...
- SHE MIMICS FART NOISE
- So, it was like...
- REPEATS NOISE TWICE
- So, what do you think, David?
What are you going to say? - Hmm.
Miranda, the way you told the story,
I couldn't work out...
You had lots of pauses.
Was that for effect
or were you thinking it up?
And I think, probably, you were
making it up as you went along,
so I think it's probably a lie.
Hmm, Dale, what do you think?
Miranda is one of those
fabulous people in the world
who's uninhibited with...
- Am I right? You're kind of like,
"Oh, what the heck, I don't care!"
- My face is a mask.
So, you think it's true,
you think it's a lie.
- Yeah. - I'll say I think it's true.
- You think it's true?
OK, Miranda, true or lie?
It is actually...
true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Miranda did embarrass herself
in front of the local vicar. Next.
Oh, it's me.
When I'm in a play, as part
of my nightly vocal warm-up,
I perform sets of scales
in the voice of a chimpanzee.
- Will you give us a quick rendition?
- Of course.
- HE MIMICS A CHIMPANZEE
- Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
- HIGH-PITCHED
- Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
You just go through the scales
as a chimpanzee.
Is it just for plays,
cos I've been next to you
in a dressing room for a gig
and I didn't hear chimpanzees?
I used to do a singing tape of...
- IN STYLE OF A VOCAL WARM-UP
- # Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #
- And then... That was lovely.
- It was lovely!
# La-la-la-la-la-la-la
♪ La-la-la-la. ♪
That really is lovely.
Don't blow your nose!
Rob, where did you get this from?
Was it another celebrity
that gave you the idea?
No, no, it was one night I was
doing it and the other actor said,
when I started going,
"Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,"
he says, "Just relax."
"Ooh-ooh-ooh." He said,
"You sound like a chimpanzee."
So then I went, "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh."
I found it really opened up
the diaphragm and actually worked.
Can you go the other way?
Can you go from high notes down?
That's what Dale
was asking me earlier!
Is he angry, Lee, is he angry?
Well, it's hard to tell what colour
his face is, but can you go...?
Can you go from the high note down?
- INCREASINGLY LOW-PITCHED
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Oh, excellent! - That is good.
Who was the actor who said
you look like a chimpanzee?
- Miranda, you know very well
he didn't say I LOOKED like
a chimpanzee. - Sorry!
You won't trip me up like that.
It was Kenneth Branagh.
- Kenneth Branagh gave you this idea?
- He did, he did!
Yeah, laugh it up, Balding.
I know your reaction was to laugh!
The reaction was,
"How preposterous."
The man with the breakfast cereal
would be in a play
with Kenneth Branagh,
yet it was true.
So what are you thinking?
- IN A DEEP VOICE
- Mitchell, Winton, Bacon.
- I think it's true.
- You think it's true?
- Do you think it's true?
- Oh, absolutely, he does it so well.
- I think it would sort of help.
- What about you?
- IN A DEEP VOICE
- Balding, Mack, Hart.
Sounds like a series
of illnesses, that!
"I'm afraid you've got
Balding-Mack-Hart."
- What are you going to say?
- I think he's probably lying.
You're saying true...
I imagine you and Branagh having a
right old hoot doing that together.
- I'm going to go with Clare.
- You're going to say lie? - Yeah.
- You're saying true?
- ALL: True. - It is in fact...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
It's a lie. When I'm in a play,
I don't perform sets of scales
in the voice of a chimpanzee.
- BUZZER SOUNDS
- That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by 4-2.
APPLAUSE
But of course it's not
just a team game
and my individual Liar Of The Week
this week is Dale Winton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Dale Winton,
a man who lies so much,
I don't know how his wife and three
children put up with it! Good night.
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Ha-ha!
Good evening
and welcome to Would I Lie to You?,
the show with tremendous truths
and humungous lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a man whose TV show is called
Richard Bacon's Beer And Pizza Club.
Not only is it good fun,
but if it comes on TV
more than five minutes late,
you get free garlic bread.
It's Richard Bacon.
APPLAUSE
And, erm, the man who gave us
Touch The Truck, Pets Win Prizes
and Hole In The Wall, yet still no
BAFTA, it's Dale Winton.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter who's
so immersed in the culture
of horse racing,
when she buys a new pair of shoes,
it's all she can do
to stop herself nailing them on.
- It's Clare Balding.
- APPLAUSE
And a comedian
and star of the very realistic
Call The Midwife.
I didn't watch it myself,
I just stayed the other side of the
screen and offered encouragement.
- It's Miranda Hart.
- APPLAUSE
And so we begin with
Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them
and to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
So they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
- Dale is first up tonight.
- OK.
As a child, rather than sleeping
with a comfort blanket
or teddy bear,
I slept with a potato.
LAUGHTER
Lee Mack, what do you think?
Was it the same potato or did you
have different potatoes
over the years?
That was the problem
because you get attached to a potato
so when you get attached to
a potato, it's rotting a bit
but it's your comfort,
it's like you...
Your teddy bear smells of your old
teddy bear or whatever
it happens to be.
The potato was my favourite potato
and I used to draw on it.
So it was one potato the whole time?
The actual truth is,
it was taken away from me
and I cried and I cried and I cried
but they threw it out
so it took me another three or four
weeks to get used to the new potato.
Dale,
did they have names, your potatoes?
No.
You slept with a potato that you
didn't even know its name.
- Well... - You slag!
Did you hug them, did you have them
close to your face?
I used to put it on the pillow,
like that, and I used to bash it.
- What? - What?
Why did you bash it?
Is that how you show love, Dale?
What's the bashing?
Well, I used to, I used to
like the dent it made in the pillow.
Oh, you'd bash it onto
the pillow and then you'd sleep?
So, then I'd take it out. "That's
where you're going to bed later."
Be honest, Dale, is the truth
of this story that your parents
would shout through the door,
"What are you doing in there?"
You'd say, "Nothing,
just bashing the potato."
You haven't asked me
why I stopped,
and this is why you'll realise...
Oh, Dale, why did you stop?
Because Mrs Marks, who
was our next door neighbour,
I heard her talking to my mother
in the driveway and I heard
Mrs Marks say to my mother, "Is he
still sleeping with a potato?"
I think that they'd been talking
about it and she probably said to
Mrs Marks, "Did any of your children
ever want to sleep with a potato?"
- So what are you thinking, Lee?
- Miranda.
I sort of want it to be true.
Because he's so sweet.
I do think the two winning things
are "That's where you're
going to sleep," and Mrs Marks.
D'you know what?
I think Mrs Marks exists
and I like Mrs Marks, I like what
she represents, she represents
the sanity of the street.
Whereas the Wintons,
they're all over the shop.
So what are you gonna say, Lee?
What's it gonna be?
- You think it's true? I do think
it's true. - I think it's true.
I'll go with my team
and say that it's true.
You're saying it's true, OK.
Dale Winton, the potato, in the bed,
was it the truth or was it a lie?
I have slept with many things over
the years cos I'm a very old man,
but I have never slept
with a potato - it's a lie.
That's very good.
Yes, it was a very convincing lie.
As a child, Dale didn't
sleep with a potato.
Richard, you're next.
OK, when I worked in McDonalds,
my long-term girlfriend joined
the queue to my till and when she
got to the counter, she dumped me.
Lee, Lee, Lee.
How old were you?
- I was 18, I think I was 18.
- OK, so you're 18 years old.
How long did you consider
a long-term girlfriend to be
- when you were 18. - Well, she
was actually my first girlfriend.
Her name was,
presumably is, Kate.
She could have died.
I mean, I don't know.
Yeah, look on the bright side!
Kay dumped you,
was she special?
She was, she was.
- It's a "Special K" joke, I'm not
explaining them all. - Very good.
Can I mention Special K,
or do I have to mention
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes?
Well, I think
when it comes to breakfast cereals,
there is one that stands head
and shoulders above all the rest.
So how long was long term?
Two years. But when you're 18,
that's a long-term relationship.
Can you remember what
she said to you?
I can't, Miranda, no, but...
what made it doubly heartbreaking
was I, I loved that job and...
- What? - You didn't get
the sack, did you?
Well, no, but I was very...
I loved the job and then she came in
and broke my heart at this place
that meant so much to me
and that added to the emotional
impact of what she said.
What was it about the
job that you loved so much?
Let me tell you
a fact about this place.
This is amazing, right?
The regular meat which
is the meat that
goes in their signature burger...
it goes from frozen to fully
cooked in 44 seconds.
I found this amazing.
Fascinating.
I wonder why she dumped you?
I think we should get back
to the girl.
She got to the front of the queue,
she dumped me there and then.
I left my station, didn't serve
the other customers and then I went
to the store room and I sat on a box
of gherkins and I cried my eyes out.
Oh, that's gherkins for you, though.
Kay put in her order.
- She puts in her order and
says I would like... - Kate.
- Oh, Kate.
- Oh, that changes everything..
What's her name? Kate.
The Special K joke doesn't work.
I didn't want to say anything.
- Kate. - Kate. - I thought
it deserved a bigger laugh.
I wondered why
the hell you said it!
You're always trying to work it
round to Crunchy Nut.
Leave him alone.
Why don't...? Richard, you be
young Richard, OK,
at the counter of this
fast-food outlet.
David. You are a normal customer.
Dale is Kate.
Could I please have a, a,
a Filet-O-Fish but with no cheese?
Hold the cheese, and put the cheese
on the chips, please.
Excuse me, sorry, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me...
Where are the toilets?
They're just, they're actually just
next to my till, actually,
the door's just about there.
I'll...see you later, Kate.
Oh, gosh, it's my girlfriend, Kate.
Hello, Kate.
Well, I thought I'd come in
and see you tonight.
I haven't heard...
LAUGHTER
What's funny about that?
Oh, it's Meryl Streep
in The Iron Lady.
I'm afraid, Richard, it's over.
You're just not my kind of guy.
SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS THEME
Aw, beautiful.
So, what are you thinking, Lee?
Does this sound credible to you?
I'm suddenly going truth, I think
he was dumped in a queue at said
burger joint.
I find it staggering that he
remembers all the facts that he
remembers about how long it takes
meat to defrost and yet he cannot
remember what she actually said when
she got to the front of the queue.
- But is he...?
- The answer to that is, he's a man.
So, Lee, what's it going to be,
truth or lie?
- You're saying lie, Clare?
- I am. - Miranda says true.
- Yeah. - Go on, we'll go with Miranda
and say it's true.
You're saying it's true.
OK. Richard Bacon,
was that the truth or was it a lie?
That story...is...
true.
AUDIENCE GASPS
- Well done, well done, well done.
- DAVID: Thank you for sharing.
Yes, it's true. When Richard
worked in a fast-food restaurant,
his long-term girlfriend
joined the queue to his till
and dumped him when she got
to the counter, and then,
to rub salt in the wound,
she ordered a Happy Meal.
LAUGHTER
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guests, Robert and Will.
APPLAUSE
So, Clare, what are Robert
and Will to you?
This is Robert and Will.
They do my garden
and to avoid the embarrassment of me
ever getting them mixed up,
I call them both Barry.
OK. Lee, how do you know
Robert and Will?
This is Robert and Will.
I once used them
to convince an audience
I could teleport people.
And finally, Miranda, your
relationship with Robert and Will?
This is Robert and Will.
I was a judge at the
Identical Twins Of The Year award
and they came third,
but we had to disqualify them
because it turns out
they were two of triplets.
Wow, there we have it.
So, Clare's green-fingered
Barrys, Lee's teleporting twosome,
or Miranda's cheating triplets.
David, where, where do you begin?
Explain the rationale behind the
Identical Twins Of The Year awards.
Well, I have to say, when I was
asked to come along and judge,
I was a little confused but I think
there's a sort of magazine or
trade magazine or it's part...
or there was some...
A trade magazine? What's the trade?
- Twins!
- The...the marketing of twins?
- Twins.
- Yeah, I've heard of that.
I've actually heard
of the competition.
There is a competition to
do with twins.
What do they
do in the competition?
There's the physical lookalike
thing, how much they look alike.
Right.
And then they also do kind of games,
like Mr & Mrs type games
so it's a personality thing,
as well.
Did they win, or...?
No, they came third.
But they were disqualified.
- Why? Oh, cos of the triplets thing?
- Yeah.
And we did see a third.
I didn't see it,
but apparently there is a third one.
So the third triplet
turned up to this event?
- Yes! - That's not exactly
Moscow rules, is it?
The third one was picking them
up to take them home.
- And was seen. - Clare.
Robert and Will are your gardeners,
and you call them both Barry.
Mm-hmm.
Isn't that a bit of a sort of an
affront to their individuality?
No, because the first time
I did it, I said,
"Would you like a cup of tea,
Barry, love?"
As soon as you say "love",
they're fine with it,
they just smiled, had a cup of tea
and they were fine, and do you know,
when sound engineers work
a lot on outside broadcasts, they
all call each other Percy, they all
call each other Perce, and so they
call me Perce as well and I call
them Perce, and I called them Barry.
- Yeah. - Why?
Because they can't remember
everyone's name.
Are you sure they're not trying to
mug you? Purse!
RICHARD: Those nails are very clean
for gardeners.
Well, I hope they've had a bath
before they've come.
But they are pristine, beautiful,
soft hands.
I'm not coming on to you!
- Richard, if you want to go and have
a look, you can. - Thank you.
- I'd love to. - You can't touch,
but you can look.
- Would you like a look, Dale?
- Not particularly.
- Really? - Oh, go on, then!
I'm now not as attracted
to these hands as I was!
- There's dirt under the nails.
- Don't touch, Dale.
Could you turn them over?
DAVID: I feel I should have a look,
as well.
It'd look unconscientious.
This here...
That could be the remnants of soil.
They're not very big, so...
You know what your gardener's hands
look like?
I'm like everyone else here,
apparently, I don't have a gardener.
You'd probably expect I'd have about
nine.
What did you think of what you saw,
Richard?
How did the hands rate for you?
That's actually thrown me a little.
I regret going over there,
to be honest.
- Did they look like...?
- Well, from this distance,
they were beautiful, pristine,
manicured hands.
Close up,
there's dirt under the nails.
LEE: I hope these poor fellas are
gardeners!
They're not, by the way!
Erm, Lee?
Yes?
You're going to bother going through
this one, are you?!
What was this particular show?
You were trying to pretend
- that you were able to teleport
people? - Correct.
- Was it a stage show or TV show?
- Was it a stage show or TV show?
That's funny,
are you an interpreter of Dale?!
I thought you'd said it. I'd missed
it so asked my captain.
Sorry, what's your friend saying,
David?
Was it a stage show or a TV show?
OK, it was a stage show.
And where was it on?
It was on at the Hackney Empire.
And when was it on?
It was on in the mid-'90s.
And what was it called?
It was a new act competition
for new people and I thought
I'll do a magic trick
cos it'll impress everyone.
Yeah, to make up for the comedy.
What did you say at the end?
"I'm sorry, everyone,
but I CAN teleport."
Talk me through the act.
What did you do?
- Magic Circle, love, Magic Circle.
- Right. - Can't tell you anything.
He's going to tell us...
So, what's the illusion
we're supposed to be seeing?
I'm not going to tell you
how I did it. It's the Magic Circle!
You're not going to say you made it
look as if you teleported!
Oh, I see. Yeah, very wise!
I'm not giving away my secrets
on television!
So, go on, Lee, what did you do?
You're there on the stage,
the audience are enrapt.
I come on and I bring someone
out the audience,
and then I put them in a box
at one side of the stage,
or in a cupboard actually,
I put them in a cupboard,
and then I do a bit of
the showbiz magic... Yeah.
Said a few words... Can't remember
now, might have been "Alakazam".
And then I opened up a box
and out comes the first person
who's gone in out the other...
Well, it looks like that,
but he was already in the box.
And he sits down and the audience
give me a big round of applause,
so that's actually quite good.
He goes and sits down in the seat.
So you've done the teleport thing,
then what?
Straight into the levitation,
I'm not an idiot.
Actually, as a technique
for a magic trick
to try and make it look as though
someone's magicked across the room,
- it's clever to use identical twins.
- DALE: Do you still do it in the act?
- Hey, don't tell me, tell the judges
that night. - How did you do?
Awful, came third,
turns out I was a triplet.
Right, we need an answer,
so David's team,
are Robert and Will
Clare's green-fingered Barrys,
Lee's teleporting twosome,
or Miranda's cheating triplets?
What do you think, Dale?
I think it's Lee, I think
he's telling the truth.
- OK. Richard, what about you?
- I don't believe Lee.
They had a bit of soil on their
hands. I think they're gardeners.
David, what about you?
I don't think Lee
did a random magic trick
at the beginning of his try-out spot
at the Hackney Empire in 1995.
Maybe he did,
but I just don't believe it.
So I think I agree with Richard.
- I think it's Clare. I think it's...
- You think it's Clare? - Yeah.
OK, here we go.
Robert and Will, would you
please reveal your true identity?
- I'm Robert. - I'm Will, and Lee
tried to convince an audience
that he could teleport.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes. Lee used Robert and Will
to convince an audience
he could teleport someone. Thank you
very much, Robert and Will.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.
We start with...
Lee.
- Possession. - Right,
there's a box under the desk, Lee.
Now, I'd like you to take
the item out of the box
and hold the object,
then read the card out, please.
This is my dibber. I donated it
to the British Lawnmower Museum
where it is now a permanent exhibit.
- Right, David. - What is a dibber?
What's a dibber? A dibber...
That's a good question, David.
And would you believe me
if I was to say I don't know?
But it's a... It's a...
- Yes, I would. - I'll mime it for you!
Could be any of these. OK, yeah.
It's to do with gardening.
So what does your dibber do?
- Pardon? - What does your dibber do?
Are you... Are you Fred Flintstone?
Answer the question!
What does your dibber do?
I'm not 100% sure, but at a guess,
I would say the dibber is for
pushing holes in the ground,
and then maybe popping something
in there like a seed. I see.
How did your dibber come to be
in the British Lawnmower Museum?
I'll tell you, Inspector Morse.
Have you ever been to Southport,
my home town?
- Er, I have, yes. - Oh, great!
Can I start again?
- Yes. - Right, I have never been
to the British Lawnmower...
I was online, I was online!
But it is in Southport?
It is in Southport, that's true,
and I did see it online.
What did you put into Google
that that came up?
Well, you don't want to know that!
But I noticed on the website
there was a bit that said,
"The tools of the rich and famous."
"Famous tools" is what I typed in.
There is actually...
I do know for a fact that there is
a British Lawnmower Museum,
because I have donated a trowel.
- You haven't! I - have, honestly, Rob.
I donated a trowel.
What IS this museum?!
But surely they want a lawnmower?
- So you saw the Lawnmower Museum
online. - Online.
- With a list of celebrity artefacts.
- There was quite a few.
Brian May from Queen
had given a lawnmower.
Joe Pasquale had given a strimmer.
So what happened then?
I thought it'd be nice to do
cos it's my home town.
Sorry, you saw that and you thought,
"I want a piece of that."
I want a piece of the action.
Prince Charles, he gave something.
- This is where the story falls apart.
- No, that's not where
it's falling apart!
But what is asked to donate to...?
I wanted to donate something
and thought it'd be nice
to have something of mine,
cos it's my home town.
So you picked up the phone...
I picked up... You're still doubting
my abilities, aren't you David?
HE SCREAMS
It is not your ability
to make a phone call...
"There's a man in the phone!"
Are you seriously saying
that the fact that you could
have physically made this phone call
means I should believe that you did?
I picked up the phone.
You say, "I could have made the
call. I'm physically capable.
Therefore, it happened, David,
end of story."
I phoned them up, I said,
"I'd like to donate something,"
they said, "What have you got?"
I said, "Dibber."
- You knew its name?
- Well, actually, I...yes.
- You knew its name
but didn't know what it was for?
- That's actually not true.
So what did you say? I took advice
before the phone call. From whom?
- From who? - From whom? - I'm not doing
it if you put an M at the end.
- All right, from who? - Thank you.
Who's putting the M at the end,
know what I mean?
No-one any more, no-one!
Who did you take advice from?!
I shall tell you.
You found a thing in the shed,
didn't know you owned it,
you didn't know what it was,
who did you ask about it?
You want to know from who?
I want to... I want to know
who you asked about that object
- in order to find out what
it was called. - I shall tell you.
Well, please!
David Tennant, or as I call him,
Dr Whom. You asked...?
- You asked Dr Whom? - Dr Whom.
- Who did you ask? - Tom Baker.
There are seven billion humans
on Earth.
Please, let's not eliminate them
one by one.
Er, I asked my wife.
So David, what do you think? Is Lee
telling the truth or is he lying?
- Dale? - I don't believe a word of it.
If it is true, it's one of the best
acting performances I've ever seen.
Thank you, if it's true.
- You think it's true?
- No, I do not. No, it's a lie.
- OK, what are going to say? - We think
it's a lie. - You think it's a lie?
OK. Lee, truth or lie?
It is in fact...
true.
Not only is it true,
but how exciting is this?
We've got a picture.
There it is, in situ,
at the British Lawnmower Museum.
Yes, incredible, isn't it, eh?
Just a simple tool...
who donated his dibber to the
British Lawnmower museum. Next.
It's Miranda.
I once embarrassed myself in front
of the local vicar at Christmas.
- Is that it?! - Vague, isn't it?
Is that all we're getting?
Well, no, we can get more.
- What happened?
- Well, er, it was Christmas,
and the vicar had to come round
to my aunt and uncle's
where I was having Christmas.
Sort of drinks, I think.
I went to sit next to him
and sat sort of...
- and sat on the edge of a sofa. - Mm.
And as I sort of sat back like that,
I broke enormous wind.
And did he say anything?
- He sort of...
- AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS LOUDLY
LAUGHTER
He's here!
No, I don't think he did, which
is what made it so funny for me.
Why did you go over to sit next
to the vicar to start with?
Because I think my sister
was there, and I thought,
"Oh, no, she's been lumbered
with the vicar,"
and I thought, "Oh, she might
need some conversational help."
- Brilliant! - Yeah.
- Which I sort of provided!
What direction was the vicar
at this point?
I don't know if he was down
or upwind, but he was involved.
You saw his hair move?
I think, actually, what I did was...
That is a great image, isn't it?
I think I burst out laughing
and did one of those laugh-spits.
Laugh-spits?! So having farted
at the man, you then spat on him?
- You know when you go...
- SHE MIMICS FART NOISE
- So, it was like...
- REPEATS NOISE TWICE
- So, what do you think, David?
What are you going to say? - Hmm.
Miranda, the way you told the story,
I couldn't work out...
You had lots of pauses.
Was that for effect
or were you thinking it up?
And I think, probably, you were
making it up as you went along,
so I think it's probably a lie.
Hmm, Dale, what do you think?
Miranda is one of those
fabulous people in the world
who's uninhibited with...
- Am I right? You're kind of like,
"Oh, what the heck, I don't care!"
- My face is a mask.
So, you think it's true,
you think it's a lie.
- Yeah. - I'll say I think it's true.
- You think it's true?
OK, Miranda, true or lie?
It is actually...
true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Miranda did embarrass herself
in front of the local vicar. Next.
Oh, it's me.
When I'm in a play, as part
of my nightly vocal warm-up,
I perform sets of scales
in the voice of a chimpanzee.
- Will you give us a quick rendition?
- Of course.
- HE MIMICS A CHIMPANZEE
- Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
- HIGH-PITCHED
- Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
You just go through the scales
as a chimpanzee.
Is it just for plays,
cos I've been next to you
in a dressing room for a gig
and I didn't hear chimpanzees?
I used to do a singing tape of...
- IN STYLE OF A VOCAL WARM-UP
- # Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #
- And then... That was lovely.
- It was lovely!
# La-la-la-la-la-la-la
♪ La-la-la-la. ♪
That really is lovely.
Don't blow your nose!
Rob, where did you get this from?
Was it another celebrity
that gave you the idea?
No, no, it was one night I was
doing it and the other actor said,
when I started going,
"Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,"
he says, "Just relax."
"Ooh-ooh-ooh." He said,
"You sound like a chimpanzee."
So then I went, "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh."
I found it really opened up
the diaphragm and actually worked.
Can you go the other way?
Can you go from high notes down?
That's what Dale
was asking me earlier!
Is he angry, Lee, is he angry?
Well, it's hard to tell what colour
his face is, but can you go...?
Can you go from the high note down?
- INCREASINGLY LOW-PITCHED
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Oh, excellent! - That is good.
Who was the actor who said
you look like a chimpanzee?
- Miranda, you know very well
he didn't say I LOOKED like
a chimpanzee. - Sorry!
You won't trip me up like that.
It was Kenneth Branagh.
- Kenneth Branagh gave you this idea?
- He did, he did!
Yeah, laugh it up, Balding.
I know your reaction was to laugh!
The reaction was,
"How preposterous."
The man with the breakfast cereal
would be in a play
with Kenneth Branagh,
yet it was true.
So what are you thinking?
- IN A DEEP VOICE
- Mitchell, Winton, Bacon.
- I think it's true.
- You think it's true?
- Do you think it's true?
- Oh, absolutely, he does it so well.
- I think it would sort of help.
- What about you?
- IN A DEEP VOICE
- Balding, Mack, Hart.
Sounds like a series
of illnesses, that!
"I'm afraid you've got
Balding-Mack-Hart."
- What are you going to say?
- I think he's probably lying.
You're saying true...
I imagine you and Branagh having a
right old hoot doing that together.
- I'm going to go with Clare.
- You're going to say lie? - Yeah.
- You're saying true?
- ALL: True. - It is in fact...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
It's a lie. When I'm in a play,
I don't perform sets of scales
in the voice of a chimpanzee.
- BUZZER SOUNDS
- That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by 4-2.
APPLAUSE
But of course it's not
just a team game
and my individual Liar Of The Week
this week is Dale Winton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Dale Winton,
a man who lies so much,
I don't know how his wife and three
children put up with it! Good night.
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd