Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 7 - Episode #16.7 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie To You?
The show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.
On David Mitchell's team
tonight, he's the Strictly
dancer, turned Strictly judge.
It's Anton du Beke. Ho!
APPLAUSE
And stand-up comic and Taskmaster
star Desiree Burch.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
taking a break from all
those Deaths in Paradise,
it's Ralph Little.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian and one half
of Meet the Richardsons,
it's Lucy Beaumont.
APPLAUSE
And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card in front
of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
And Anton is first up. Ah, right,
bins on.
Right.
LAUGHTER
Can I just check, are they the right
glasses, because you're pausing?
"I was once asked to host an awards
ceremony after being mistaken
"for someone else."
Was it Rob Brydon?
Was it Rob Brydon's son?
Oh. That Death in Paradise has gone
downhill since I've left it.
Well, first of all, who was
this person?
Well, our...our esteemed host.
Oh, so it was Rob? Yes. Really? Oh,
wow. Yeah. OK.
OK.
Do you know that you look alike?
Well, I don't know that. I do
know this.
He's a very good-looking man.
I mean, it's a pleasure being next
to the handsomest man on television.
That's all I can say.
Thank you very much.
So talk us through how
this mix-up came about, then.
I was at a do, and somebody asked me
if I would host
this particular awards ceremony...
What were the awards for?
It was sort of building industry
contractors awards thing.
Would I go and give out
the awards for best cement?
I said, "What's the fee, by the
way?"
Oh, that's when he thought you
were Rob Brydon. And then...
And it was quite considerable.
So I took it.
When they thought you were Rob,
did you, did you immediately say,
"No, I'm not Rob."
No, I just laughed it off.
You did the gig or you didn't?
Yeah, I did the gig. You did? Yeah.
I'L tell you what, when they saw
you walk out, there'll be a fair few
people saying, "Good God, he's
shot up."
I had that late growth spurt.
I'd like to know more about
the cement.
I don't think either of you
would be booked for cement.
I've done these gigs.
You've done this corporate stuff?
I've done chip fat. Have you? Yeah.
Chip fat awards?
You haven't done the chip fat
awards?! There's a chip fat awards?
I'm stunned you would question my
cement awards and give me chip fat.
I don't believe it. You don't?
I don't. And I'm really gullible.
Why don't you believe it?
It's the cement for me.
What about you, Ralph? What are you
thinking?
I think it's a lie.
It's got to be a lie. OK.
Right. You lovely-looking man.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
...true. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Lucy. You're next.
Thanks.
As an adult, I once accidentally
took part in an under-12s swimming
gala.
David's team.
What happened? How did you end
up in the swimming gala?
Well, I went swimming.
Right. What, at a public
swimming baths on a normal day?
It was a council-run swimming
baths, actually. OK.
And I went in and the pool
was empty.
But what I did notice was that there
were people watching
from the gallery... Right, OK. ..at
the top, but no-one in the pool.
All right.
So I got in the pool.
Do you want to know more? Yeah,
yeah.
At the moment, you're just alone
in a swimming pool being watched.
And then a gun went off.
Like a...a swimming gala gun.
So the gun went off. Yes.
And then just at that minute,
a group of under-12s jumped in.
And I was in the middle of a race.
Hang on, though, hang on.
When you arrived in the pool area,
right? Yeah.
You noticed the pool is empty. Yeah.
You noticed the gallery of
spectators. Gallery of spectators,
yes.
You didn't notice these lurking
12-year-olds?
LAUGHTER
They weren't there when I got in.
They weren't there?
Do they normally fire the gun before
anyone has entered the room or...
LAUGHTER
Well, they must have been there,
but I was distracted by the people
in the gallery.
So you, you put a foot in the water,
a gun goes off, some 12-year-olds
jump in.
Yeah. What happens then?
Then we swim.
You continued with your swim?
I'd paid my money for...
LAUGHTER
And were the kids good swimmers?
Were they overtaking you?
Well, erm,
when I reached, you know,
did a lap and reached the end,
someone said that I had come third.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So what happened, then, Lucy?
Did you get a medal?
I mean, how did it all resolve
itself?
I think I could have pushed
for a medal.
But I didn't.
I didn't. I got out and I was
very... I was annoyed.
I was, I was embarrassed. Mm.
So what do you think? Anton,
what do you think?
I think it could be a lie.
In actual fact, I think it is a lie.
What about you, Desiree?
I mean, I feel very deeply in
my bones that it's a lie.
To be honest, I was...
I was feeling more credulous.
It can be disorientating walking
out from the changing rooms
into a swimming pool.
I once, yeah...
It can be disorientating walking out
of a changing room
to a swimming pool? Yes.
I like the fact that you left that
really mysterious, that sort of,
you aborted the anecdote.
You went, "I once... Yes."
LAUGHTER
DAVID: To be honest...
Whoa! What did you do, David?
I'll tell you. But to be honest, I
was, I was worried
I'd told the researchers for this
show and it was going to crop up
later in the series.
I got changed for swimming in a
swimming baths and I didn't know
the layout of the place very well.
And I just sort of walked out
in my trunks and barefoot
into some badminton courts.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow. 16 years.
We're running out of stuff and
you just throw that away. Yes.
OK. Do you still think lie?
Yeah, but go with your gut.
Lie. We're going lie.
OK. They're saying it's a lie.
Lucy, was it a lie
or was it in fact true?
It was...
...true.
Wow!
Yes, it's true. Lucy really did take
part in a children's swimming gala.
Desiree, you're next.
When New Kids on the Block announced
they were splitting up,
I was so distraught
I was sent home from school for
the day on compassionate leave.
Lee's team. What year did New Kids
on the Block split up?
They split up when I was 13.
So this would have been 1992.
And can you name one
of their albums?
New Kids on the Block.
And was the second one called
New Kids on the Block Two?
No. It was called Hanging Tough.
That was another one of their songs.
It was.
There might be some people watching,
you know, some that... I doubt it.
Who don't know.
They're not perhaps au fait
with New Kids.
So let's have a look there.
Look at that.
Desiree, can you name them?
Danny, Donnie, Jonjo and Jordan.
No. That's Donald Duck's nephews.
Did you go to school knowing
the news?
No, I found out, like I found out,
like it went around during,
like, in between, like, second
and third period.
How? This was pre-internet.
I mean, it doesn't take
the internet.
All it takes is, like, passing
people in class.
There's somebody crying
by their lockers.
You're like, "What's wrong?”
And they're like, "New Kids broke
up.”
And then you said, "Can I go home?"
I mean...
LAUGHTER
So, Desiree,
you hear the word... Yes.
Which teacher'd you go to?
How'd you approach them?
How does it go? So, basically,
by the time I got into third
period, there were already girls
that I'd seen early in their day who
had gone home. Wow.
And like, I mean, I was upset,
but I wasn't, like, so upset
until I realised that it was a good
way to go home.
I realised if I could work up
enough emotion, if I could go, like,
"You know, like, I don't know
how I'm going to make
"it through the rest of the lesson.”
You know, like, most people don't
want to deal with a girl crying.
Yeah. Basically, I...
The teacher sent me to the nurse.
The nurse called... ALL: Nurse?!
Yeah.
For tears? Yes.
That's the first line of defence...
How stupid was your teacher
that they didn't know what the
water coming out of your eyes was?
"You need to see a nurse! Get to
the nurse!"
All right, so what've we got?
She's, she's, she's, she's...
What is she, Rob? She's...
LAUGHTER
The suspense is killing me.
She's... She, she, she, she.
Are you auditioning for Open
All Hours?
She seems... She, she, she!
She seems to have
been very honest, in my opinion.
Well, she has been very honest.
What do you think?
Lucy? Oh, I don't know. I don't
know.
I'm more, I'm... What do you think?
Erm...
That's a good, decisive decision.
You do this for a living, don't you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"What do you think?
Do you do this for a living?"
Do you mean sift through evidence
and make a deduction?
Because that's not my actual job.
The part you play?
Yeah. Oh, you mean him, I thought
you meant me!
Oh, you thought... I
genuinely thought you meant that I
do this for a living.
If you mean him that's even
more bizarre. Yeah.
He does it for a living.
What do you do?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You're the star. Death in Paradise.
And are you a detective?
It's not a documentary, Lucy.
OK. What's it going to be?
I think it's true. True? True.
I think what Ralph thinks. Right.
What are you going to say, Lee?
Well, we're going to go with DI
Ralph.
You're saying it's true?
OK. So, Desiree, they all think
it's true.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It was in fact a lie.
Very well done.
Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Helen.
MUSICAL INTRO
So, Lucy, what is Helen to you?
This is my old neighbour, Helen.
Although for two years,
I mistakenly called her Brenda.
Ralph, how do you know Helen?
This is Helen.
I once got a kid sent off
in a football match
after using her as VAR.
And finally, Lee, what
is your relationship with Helen?
This is Helen.
She is the teacher I had to
apologise to after I accidentally
sent my daughter to school
with a dead gerbil in her bag.
So there we have it.
David, where will you start?
OK, so, Lucy, you called
her Brenda for two years?
Yeah. And how did you come
up with the name Brenda?
Erm, Brenda was the name of her
chicken.
I heard Helen talk about Brenda...
As if she was talking about herself
in the third person?
"Brenda's a winner.
"Brenda's not going to take
any more of this.
"Brenda's laid an egg!"
She laid lots of eggs. Right.
And that's how we met, because Helen
brought Brenda's eggs round to me.
Right, so...
So she said,
"These are Brenda's eggs.”
And then I thought, "Oh, do you
know, Brenda's a lovely woman.”
It's an odd way of referring
to your own property.
This is David's cup of tea.
You didn't twig that she didn't
mean herself?
I think she talked about Brenda more
than she talked about herself.
Right. So just her repeated use of
the word Brenda just made you say,
"She must be called Brenda"?
Yeah, but that got me into some
difficult situations.
Oh. Go on, tell.
Tell, tell us all.
Well, when it was Helen's 60th,
I wrote a birthday card to Brenda.
Right. You knew her well enough
to get her a card for her birthday,
but not her name?
Can you repeat that?
I mean, you knew her
well enough to know
it was her birthday.
And you didn't know her name?
Had you ever heard the name Helen?
Did you?
Did you think Helen was the chicken?
Mm. Yeah. What did you think the
chicken was called?
That's a very good question.
Well, I...
I've been here a while.
I thought I'd come up with something
useful.
This birthday, when it was her 60th,
you wrote the card, addressed
it to Brenda.
Was there a party?
Did you attend? There was a party.
Oh, and did you go? Yeah.
When did you twig that she's called
Helen?
When they started eating Brenda.
Another neighbour rang and said,
"You've been at the party calling
"Helen the name of her chicken.”
That's a confident thing to phone
you up and say, isn't it?
Oh, she's a confident neighbour.
What's her name? Rover!
And then once you were illuminated
as to your error,
tell us about the next time
you saw, um, Br... Helen.
Well, I rang her. You rang her?
And I said, "I'm so sorry.
"I've been calling you the name
of your chicken.”
And how did she respond?
LEE CLUCKS
That's when she realised she had the
right person this time.
She didn't mind. And she said,
"It's a lovely card and I don't
mind that it says Brenda in it."
All right. Who would you like to
quiz next? Ralph.
Yes. You used Helen as what?
I once got a kid sent off
in a football match
after using Helen as VAR.
So, now, I actually know,
stereotypically,
I shouldn't know what that means.
But I do.
Using video technology to determine
something that happens too quickly
for the human eye. Exactly.
Video assistant referee.
All right.
Thank you, person in Rob's ear.
LAUGHTER
OK.
So, so what's, what is this match?
It's the Chertsey Town under--11s
football match, league game.
Are you under 11 at this point?
No, I... I was watching my friend's
kid play. Right. My friend Barney.
And what happened?
Well, they were playing
against Slough,
which is a relatively tense game.
It's not quite a local derby,
but they're both good teams
and they were vying for, like, top
of the league.
To be fair, all under-11 games
are derbies.
You don't travel to Aberdeen for a
game.
They're all pretty close to each
other.
There's a lot of rivalry is my
point. Yeah. Yeah.
So it was quite an important game.
And the defender for Slough handled
in the penalty area very,
very obviously, and the referee
for some reason didn't see it,
but everyone on the touchline did
and everyone went absolutely spare.
And it was one of those slightly
embarrassing things
where all the adults care a lot
more than the actual kids do
on the pitch.
So how, how did Bren, sorry,
how did Helen become...
LAUGHTER
How did Helen assist with the VAR?
Well, she was just by the side of
the pitch, pecking for corn and...
Helen was videoing it.
So I went, "Hold on."
I ran onto the pitch and said, "Ref,
ref, ref, come and look at this."
The ref saw it, saw that the kid had
hand balled it,
and sent the kid off.
Sent him off? Sent him off.
I love the idea that you started
this story by saying some
of the other parents take
it too seriously.
Running on, "Look at this, look
at this!"
DAVID: That's quite harsh for a
handball isn't it, sending off?
I don't... It was deliberate
in the penalty area.
And that is the rule? If it's
deliberate in the penalty area, you
get sent off. Yeah.
And at ten years old, that's an
important lesson to learn, David.
Yeah, I mean, I agree with you.
I would say the clue's in the name -
football.
Right. Would you like to take any
time now asking Lee about his claim?
OK.
Just recap,
because it was a while ago.
This is Helen.
She's the teacher that I had to
apologise to when I accidentally
sent my daughter to school with
a dead gerbil in her bag.
How did this come about?
Well, my daughter has a gerbil.
Mm-hm. Well, had.
Yeah.
How did the gerbil die?
I'm not sure.
All I know is that CPR didn't help.
That's my wife's name.
Erm...
And...
So I woke up, I went to wake my
daughter up. And you went to wake
the gerbil up, and you couldn't?
I don't wake the gerbil up, he
gets up whenever he wants. Right.
And in this case, it was
never again.
Well, usually the gerbil is up,
and then I thought, "Oh, he's having
a bit of a lie-in there.
"He hasn't, he doesn't usually sleep
on his back with his legs
"in the air."
So how did that gerbil then wind
up in your daughter's rucksack
on the way to school?
Because, to comfort her, I said,
"We'll give him a proper burial
"tonight in the garden.”
But I was worried about the time.
And also I thought she'd get very
upset in the garden burying him.
So I said, "We'll do it after school
when you get back."
We said the same, exactly
the same about her nan. And...
LAUGHTER
And... Funnily enough, the same
thing. I remember thinking,
"She doesn't usually sleep on her
back with her legs and arms up in
the air."
And I said, "Look, what I'll do
is I'll put him
"in this little Tupperware
container.
"And then tonight we'll bury him
when you get back from school.”
And then I took the Tupperware
container downstairs ready
to do that. And, of course,
sandwiches were made.
But we've only got one type
of Tupperware container.
We've got lots of them.
But they're those sort of blue ones
you can't see through. Right.
You can't see through at all.
You can't see the sort of vague
sense of rather than sandwiches,
the corpse of a rodent? Absolutely.
So there they are, the two
identical containers.
Two identical containers.
Like the domed dishes in that
episode of Fawlty Towers. Yeah.
And then what was really worrying
was we had the health inspector
due round.
So what was the first you heard
of it?
When did you first know
something had gone awry?
When you were burying some
sandwiches later that day.
The first I heard of it was
when the teacher phoned me up.
Helen.
Ah, yeah. Brenda. That's the link,
in't it? Yes.
That's the link. Well done.
I said, erm,
I said, "My pet died."
She said, "Oh, I hope
it's that cheetah.
"Then you can skin it and I can wear
it on your show."
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Are they told not to laugh
or is she angry?
Yes.
She, she rang me and she said,
"It's Miss," and you're not going to
believe it, but it's genuinely true.
"Miss Fowler."
Genuinely true. Is it?
Yeah.
You say, is it? It can't be true,
if you're telling the truth!
Work it out, Lucy. That means you're
telling us it's a lie!
Miss Fowler here.
Miss Fowler rang me up and said,
"Your daughter's in tears."
And I said, "Right, what's
happened?”
And she said, "Well, she,
she went for lunch.
"And the other kids, you know,
it was the usual stuff,
"Babybel, Ribena.
"And you've gone with dead gerbil."
And then she said the key word that
made me feel I was a bad father.
She said, "Again."
She knew, obviously, my daughter
knew what had happened,
but she was traumatised,
absolutely traumatised.
And she's now in care.
Did she eat it?
Did she eat it? Did she eat it?
She didn't eat it, cos she's not
a lunatic.
Did she eat it? Right.
We need an answer. So, David's team,
is Helen Lucy's misnamed mate,
Ralph's replacement referee,
or Lee's traumatised teacher?
Well... Lee. You think it's Lee?
Lee, I'm desperate for it to be
Lee.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
And she does look like she
could be a teacher.
Like when he made that joke,
she did the official teacher
that's-not-funny look. Yes. Yeah.
She didn't do the
it's-your-own-time-you're-wasting
look.
What about Lucy?
Well, well, Lucy asked
Lee if his was true. So...
...I'm pretty much ruling her out.
Brenda.
Brenda the...
Brenda the Chicken.
What about Ralph?
Well, it's a lot of detail there.
Chertsey, Slough.
I can believe the anger of the
parents. Yeah. And getting
it all out of proportion,
and this is obviously why football
needs to be banned.
I think, I think it's Ralph.
You think it's Ralph. Right.
Helen, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Helen.
And Lucy called me Brenda.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes.
Helen is Lucy's misnamed mate.
Thank you very much, Helen.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies.
And we start with...
BUZZER
...it's David.
"My local greasy spoon has named
one of their all-day 'break fasts'
"breakfasts..."
Sometimes you can sound
really posh, can't you?
"My local..."
I think we're going to go with lie.
"My local greasy spoon has named one
of their all-day breakfasts
"after my regular order.
"Now for just £7.99 anyone can
enjoy
"Hungry David's Mushroom Madness."
Lee's team.
Wow.
Can you tell us what a Mushroom
Madness is, please?
The mushroom madness is four large
fried,
you know like the large fried
mushroom. Oh, I don't like them.
Yeah, it has rotational symmetry.
That's the key thing. Right.
Four of them and two fried
eggs between the four
mushrooms of madness.
Yeah. And then,
and then diagonal bacon over the top
of the mushrooms and toast
on the side.
So, you know these mushrooms?
Yeah.
Did you ask that it has to be four?
I asked.
Do you ask for the layout or do
you start positioning it like that?
I initially started positioning it
and I got chatting to the guy
that, erm, that works there.
Sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You made
small talk with a stranger?
Yes.
Come on, David.
Remember, this could be a lie.
Oh, yes.
So you were brought a breakfast,
a normal breakfast,
and then you... Ruined it.
...built it on...
I ordered the items, you know,
they have various set item things
you can go for or you can just say,
"I'L have this, this and this."
Well, my, "this, this,
and this" has become a set item.
What's it called?
David's...
It's called... It's called Hungry
David's Mushroom Madness.
Just, just remind us of the layout
of this meal.
Remind... You want me to remember
the name? Remember the layout?
This is just something true
that happened to me.
For God's sake.
It's, there's the four mushrooms.
A bit sort of like sombrero-y.
Right.
You know, like enormous grey...
Yes. Not enormous. Very, very small,
but enormous for a mushroom.
Small for a hat.
And there something else
I was going to say.
I can't remember now.
"There was something else
I was going to say.
"I can't remember." Wonderful
stuff from David Mitchell.
Vintage stuff. That's why we didn't
get recommissioned.
I can trace it back to that one
moment.
"There was something else I was
going to say... Can't remember."
Wouldn't that be a ballsy trailer
for the show?
MUTTERING: I was going to
say something else, but anyway...
And then... "At 8:00."
OK. What do you think, Ralph?
I don't believe for a second
that David Mitchell goes
into a greasy spoon cafe.
What if he just thinks it's greasy?
It's actually a two Michelin-starred
French restaurant.
It lost a star last year, and now
he calls it the greasy spoon.
DAVID: Are you saying I don't know
whether something's greasy?
I do know. I can...
I can detect grease.
Yeah.
Right. It's time to decide.
Has he given you any feedback
on how it's going, this dish?
"How's it going?" "Yeah. We've not
sold many, David,
"we're thinking of
dropping the David."
So you think it's...?
I think it's a lie.
He checked his card twice.
What do you think, Lucy?
I think whatever Ralph thinks.
Lie. I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Well, David, was it a lie
or was it actually all true?
It was, in fact,
a lie.
Yes. It's a lie. David doesn't have
a breakfast named after him.
BUZZER
Oh! That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie To You?
The show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.
On David Mitchell's team
tonight, he's the Strictly
dancer, turned Strictly judge.
It's Anton du Beke. Ho!
APPLAUSE
And stand-up comic and Taskmaster
star Desiree Burch.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
taking a break from all
those Deaths in Paradise,
it's Ralph Little.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian and one half
of Meet the Richardsons,
it's Lucy Beaumont.
APPLAUSE
And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card in front
of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
And Anton is first up. Ah, right,
bins on.
Right.
LAUGHTER
Can I just check, are they the right
glasses, because you're pausing?
"I was once asked to host an awards
ceremony after being mistaken
"for someone else."
Was it Rob Brydon?
Was it Rob Brydon's son?
Oh. That Death in Paradise has gone
downhill since I've left it.
Well, first of all, who was
this person?
Well, our...our esteemed host.
Oh, so it was Rob? Yes. Really? Oh,
wow. Yeah. OK.
OK.
Do you know that you look alike?
Well, I don't know that. I do
know this.
He's a very good-looking man.
I mean, it's a pleasure being next
to the handsomest man on television.
That's all I can say.
Thank you very much.
So talk us through how
this mix-up came about, then.
I was at a do, and somebody asked me
if I would host
this particular awards ceremony...
What were the awards for?
It was sort of building industry
contractors awards thing.
Would I go and give out
the awards for best cement?
I said, "What's the fee, by the
way?"
Oh, that's when he thought you
were Rob Brydon. And then...
And it was quite considerable.
So I took it.
When they thought you were Rob,
did you, did you immediately say,
"No, I'm not Rob."
No, I just laughed it off.
You did the gig or you didn't?
Yeah, I did the gig. You did? Yeah.
I'L tell you what, when they saw
you walk out, there'll be a fair few
people saying, "Good God, he's
shot up."
I had that late growth spurt.
I'd like to know more about
the cement.
I don't think either of you
would be booked for cement.
I've done these gigs.
You've done this corporate stuff?
I've done chip fat. Have you? Yeah.
Chip fat awards?
You haven't done the chip fat
awards?! There's a chip fat awards?
I'm stunned you would question my
cement awards and give me chip fat.
I don't believe it. You don't?
I don't. And I'm really gullible.
Why don't you believe it?
It's the cement for me.
What about you, Ralph? What are you
thinking?
I think it's a lie.
It's got to be a lie. OK.
Right. You lovely-looking man.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
...true. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Lucy. You're next.
Thanks.
As an adult, I once accidentally
took part in an under-12s swimming
gala.
David's team.
What happened? How did you end
up in the swimming gala?
Well, I went swimming.
Right. What, at a public
swimming baths on a normal day?
It was a council-run swimming
baths, actually. OK.
And I went in and the pool
was empty.
But what I did notice was that there
were people watching
from the gallery... Right, OK. ..at
the top, but no-one in the pool.
All right.
So I got in the pool.
Do you want to know more? Yeah,
yeah.
At the moment, you're just alone
in a swimming pool being watched.
And then a gun went off.
Like a...a swimming gala gun.
So the gun went off. Yes.
And then just at that minute,
a group of under-12s jumped in.
And I was in the middle of a race.
Hang on, though, hang on.
When you arrived in the pool area,
right? Yeah.
You noticed the pool is empty. Yeah.
You noticed the gallery of
spectators. Gallery of spectators,
yes.
You didn't notice these lurking
12-year-olds?
LAUGHTER
They weren't there when I got in.
They weren't there?
Do they normally fire the gun before
anyone has entered the room or...
LAUGHTER
Well, they must have been there,
but I was distracted by the people
in the gallery.
So you, you put a foot in the water,
a gun goes off, some 12-year-olds
jump in.
Yeah. What happens then?
Then we swim.
You continued with your swim?
I'd paid my money for...
LAUGHTER
And were the kids good swimmers?
Were they overtaking you?
Well, erm,
when I reached, you know,
did a lap and reached the end,
someone said that I had come third.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So what happened, then, Lucy?
Did you get a medal?
I mean, how did it all resolve
itself?
I think I could have pushed
for a medal.
But I didn't.
I didn't. I got out and I was
very... I was annoyed.
I was, I was embarrassed. Mm.
So what do you think? Anton,
what do you think?
I think it could be a lie.
In actual fact, I think it is a lie.
What about you, Desiree?
I mean, I feel very deeply in
my bones that it's a lie.
To be honest, I was...
I was feeling more credulous.
It can be disorientating walking
out from the changing rooms
into a swimming pool.
I once, yeah...
It can be disorientating walking out
of a changing room
to a swimming pool? Yes.
I like the fact that you left that
really mysterious, that sort of,
you aborted the anecdote.
You went, "I once... Yes."
LAUGHTER
DAVID: To be honest...
Whoa! What did you do, David?
I'll tell you. But to be honest, I
was, I was worried
I'd told the researchers for this
show and it was going to crop up
later in the series.
I got changed for swimming in a
swimming baths and I didn't know
the layout of the place very well.
And I just sort of walked out
in my trunks and barefoot
into some badminton courts.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow. 16 years.
We're running out of stuff and
you just throw that away. Yes.
OK. Do you still think lie?
Yeah, but go with your gut.
Lie. We're going lie.
OK. They're saying it's a lie.
Lucy, was it a lie
or was it in fact true?
It was...
...true.
Wow!
Yes, it's true. Lucy really did take
part in a children's swimming gala.
Desiree, you're next.
When New Kids on the Block announced
they were splitting up,
I was so distraught
I was sent home from school for
the day on compassionate leave.
Lee's team. What year did New Kids
on the Block split up?
They split up when I was 13.
So this would have been 1992.
And can you name one
of their albums?
New Kids on the Block.
And was the second one called
New Kids on the Block Two?
No. It was called Hanging Tough.
That was another one of their songs.
It was.
There might be some people watching,
you know, some that... I doubt it.
Who don't know.
They're not perhaps au fait
with New Kids.
So let's have a look there.
Look at that.
Desiree, can you name them?
Danny, Donnie, Jonjo and Jordan.
No. That's Donald Duck's nephews.
Did you go to school knowing
the news?
No, I found out, like I found out,
like it went around during,
like, in between, like, second
and third period.
How? This was pre-internet.
I mean, it doesn't take
the internet.
All it takes is, like, passing
people in class.
There's somebody crying
by their lockers.
You're like, "What's wrong?”
And they're like, "New Kids broke
up.”
And then you said, "Can I go home?"
I mean...
LAUGHTER
So, Desiree,
you hear the word... Yes.
Which teacher'd you go to?
How'd you approach them?
How does it go? So, basically,
by the time I got into third
period, there were already girls
that I'd seen early in their day who
had gone home. Wow.
And like, I mean, I was upset,
but I wasn't, like, so upset
until I realised that it was a good
way to go home.
I realised if I could work up
enough emotion, if I could go, like,
"You know, like, I don't know
how I'm going to make
"it through the rest of the lesson.”
You know, like, most people don't
want to deal with a girl crying.
Yeah. Basically, I...
The teacher sent me to the nurse.
The nurse called... ALL: Nurse?!
Yeah.
For tears? Yes.
That's the first line of defence...
How stupid was your teacher
that they didn't know what the
water coming out of your eyes was?
"You need to see a nurse! Get to
the nurse!"
All right, so what've we got?
She's, she's, she's, she's...
What is she, Rob? She's...
LAUGHTER
The suspense is killing me.
She's... She, she, she, she.
Are you auditioning for Open
All Hours?
She seems... She, she, she!
She seems to have
been very honest, in my opinion.
Well, she has been very honest.
What do you think?
Lucy? Oh, I don't know. I don't
know.
I'm more, I'm... What do you think?
Erm...
That's a good, decisive decision.
You do this for a living, don't you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"What do you think?
Do you do this for a living?"
Do you mean sift through evidence
and make a deduction?
Because that's not my actual job.
The part you play?
Yeah. Oh, you mean him, I thought
you meant me!
Oh, you thought... I
genuinely thought you meant that I
do this for a living.
If you mean him that's even
more bizarre. Yeah.
He does it for a living.
What do you do?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You're the star. Death in Paradise.
And are you a detective?
It's not a documentary, Lucy.
OK. What's it going to be?
I think it's true. True? True.
I think what Ralph thinks. Right.
What are you going to say, Lee?
Well, we're going to go with DI
Ralph.
You're saying it's true?
OK. So, Desiree, they all think
it's true.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It was in fact a lie.
Very well done.
Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Helen.
MUSICAL INTRO
So, Lucy, what is Helen to you?
This is my old neighbour, Helen.
Although for two years,
I mistakenly called her Brenda.
Ralph, how do you know Helen?
This is Helen.
I once got a kid sent off
in a football match
after using her as VAR.
And finally, Lee, what
is your relationship with Helen?
This is Helen.
She is the teacher I had to
apologise to after I accidentally
sent my daughter to school
with a dead gerbil in her bag.
So there we have it.
David, where will you start?
OK, so, Lucy, you called
her Brenda for two years?
Yeah. And how did you come
up with the name Brenda?
Erm, Brenda was the name of her
chicken.
I heard Helen talk about Brenda...
As if she was talking about herself
in the third person?
"Brenda's a winner.
"Brenda's not going to take
any more of this.
"Brenda's laid an egg!"
She laid lots of eggs. Right.
And that's how we met, because Helen
brought Brenda's eggs round to me.
Right, so...
So she said,
"These are Brenda's eggs.”
And then I thought, "Oh, do you
know, Brenda's a lovely woman.”
It's an odd way of referring
to your own property.
This is David's cup of tea.
You didn't twig that she didn't
mean herself?
I think she talked about Brenda more
than she talked about herself.
Right. So just her repeated use of
the word Brenda just made you say,
"She must be called Brenda"?
Yeah, but that got me into some
difficult situations.
Oh. Go on, tell.
Tell, tell us all.
Well, when it was Helen's 60th,
I wrote a birthday card to Brenda.
Right. You knew her well enough
to get her a card for her birthday,
but not her name?
Can you repeat that?
I mean, you knew her
well enough to know
it was her birthday.
And you didn't know her name?
Had you ever heard the name Helen?
Did you?
Did you think Helen was the chicken?
Mm. Yeah. What did you think the
chicken was called?
That's a very good question.
Well, I...
I've been here a while.
I thought I'd come up with something
useful.
This birthday, when it was her 60th,
you wrote the card, addressed
it to Brenda.
Was there a party?
Did you attend? There was a party.
Oh, and did you go? Yeah.
When did you twig that she's called
Helen?
When they started eating Brenda.
Another neighbour rang and said,
"You've been at the party calling
"Helen the name of her chicken.”
That's a confident thing to phone
you up and say, isn't it?
Oh, she's a confident neighbour.
What's her name? Rover!
And then once you were illuminated
as to your error,
tell us about the next time
you saw, um, Br... Helen.
Well, I rang her. You rang her?
And I said, "I'm so sorry.
"I've been calling you the name
of your chicken.”
And how did she respond?
LEE CLUCKS
That's when she realised she had the
right person this time.
She didn't mind. And she said,
"It's a lovely card and I don't
mind that it says Brenda in it."
All right. Who would you like to
quiz next? Ralph.
Yes. You used Helen as what?
I once got a kid sent off
in a football match
after using Helen as VAR.
So, now, I actually know,
stereotypically,
I shouldn't know what that means.
But I do.
Using video technology to determine
something that happens too quickly
for the human eye. Exactly.
Video assistant referee.
All right.
Thank you, person in Rob's ear.
LAUGHTER
OK.
So, so what's, what is this match?
It's the Chertsey Town under--11s
football match, league game.
Are you under 11 at this point?
No, I... I was watching my friend's
kid play. Right. My friend Barney.
And what happened?
Well, they were playing
against Slough,
which is a relatively tense game.
It's not quite a local derby,
but they're both good teams
and they were vying for, like, top
of the league.
To be fair, all under-11 games
are derbies.
You don't travel to Aberdeen for a
game.
They're all pretty close to each
other.
There's a lot of rivalry is my
point. Yeah. Yeah.
So it was quite an important game.
And the defender for Slough handled
in the penalty area very,
very obviously, and the referee
for some reason didn't see it,
but everyone on the touchline did
and everyone went absolutely spare.
And it was one of those slightly
embarrassing things
where all the adults care a lot
more than the actual kids do
on the pitch.
So how, how did Bren, sorry,
how did Helen become...
LAUGHTER
How did Helen assist with the VAR?
Well, she was just by the side of
the pitch, pecking for corn and...
Helen was videoing it.
So I went, "Hold on."
I ran onto the pitch and said, "Ref,
ref, ref, come and look at this."
The ref saw it, saw that the kid had
hand balled it,
and sent the kid off.
Sent him off? Sent him off.
I love the idea that you started
this story by saying some
of the other parents take
it too seriously.
Running on, "Look at this, look
at this!"
DAVID: That's quite harsh for a
handball isn't it, sending off?
I don't... It was deliberate
in the penalty area.
And that is the rule? If it's
deliberate in the penalty area, you
get sent off. Yeah.
And at ten years old, that's an
important lesson to learn, David.
Yeah, I mean, I agree with you.
I would say the clue's in the name -
football.
Right. Would you like to take any
time now asking Lee about his claim?
OK.
Just recap,
because it was a while ago.
This is Helen.
She's the teacher that I had to
apologise to when I accidentally
sent my daughter to school with
a dead gerbil in her bag.
How did this come about?
Well, my daughter has a gerbil.
Mm-hm. Well, had.
Yeah.
How did the gerbil die?
I'm not sure.
All I know is that CPR didn't help.
That's my wife's name.
Erm...
And...
So I woke up, I went to wake my
daughter up. And you went to wake
the gerbil up, and you couldn't?
I don't wake the gerbil up, he
gets up whenever he wants. Right.
And in this case, it was
never again.
Well, usually the gerbil is up,
and then I thought, "Oh, he's having
a bit of a lie-in there.
"He hasn't, he doesn't usually sleep
on his back with his legs
"in the air."
So how did that gerbil then wind
up in your daughter's rucksack
on the way to school?
Because, to comfort her, I said,
"We'll give him a proper burial
"tonight in the garden.”
But I was worried about the time.
And also I thought she'd get very
upset in the garden burying him.
So I said, "We'll do it after school
when you get back."
We said the same, exactly
the same about her nan. And...
LAUGHTER
And... Funnily enough, the same
thing. I remember thinking,
"She doesn't usually sleep on her
back with her legs and arms up in
the air."
And I said, "Look, what I'll do
is I'll put him
"in this little Tupperware
container.
"And then tonight we'll bury him
when you get back from school.”
And then I took the Tupperware
container downstairs ready
to do that. And, of course,
sandwiches were made.
But we've only got one type
of Tupperware container.
We've got lots of them.
But they're those sort of blue ones
you can't see through. Right.
You can't see through at all.
You can't see the sort of vague
sense of rather than sandwiches,
the corpse of a rodent? Absolutely.
So there they are, the two
identical containers.
Two identical containers.
Like the domed dishes in that
episode of Fawlty Towers. Yeah.
And then what was really worrying
was we had the health inspector
due round.
So what was the first you heard
of it?
When did you first know
something had gone awry?
When you were burying some
sandwiches later that day.
The first I heard of it was
when the teacher phoned me up.
Helen.
Ah, yeah. Brenda. That's the link,
in't it? Yes.
That's the link. Well done.
I said, erm,
I said, "My pet died."
She said, "Oh, I hope
it's that cheetah.
"Then you can skin it and I can wear
it on your show."
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Are they told not to laugh
or is she angry?
Yes.
She, she rang me and she said,
"It's Miss," and you're not going to
believe it, but it's genuinely true.
"Miss Fowler."
Genuinely true. Is it?
Yeah.
You say, is it? It can't be true,
if you're telling the truth!
Work it out, Lucy. That means you're
telling us it's a lie!
Miss Fowler here.
Miss Fowler rang me up and said,
"Your daughter's in tears."
And I said, "Right, what's
happened?”
And she said, "Well, she,
she went for lunch.
"And the other kids, you know,
it was the usual stuff,
"Babybel, Ribena.
"And you've gone with dead gerbil."
And then she said the key word that
made me feel I was a bad father.
She said, "Again."
She knew, obviously, my daughter
knew what had happened,
but she was traumatised,
absolutely traumatised.
And she's now in care.
Did she eat it?
Did she eat it? Did she eat it?
She didn't eat it, cos she's not
a lunatic.
Did she eat it? Right.
We need an answer. So, David's team,
is Helen Lucy's misnamed mate,
Ralph's replacement referee,
or Lee's traumatised teacher?
Well... Lee. You think it's Lee?
Lee, I'm desperate for it to be
Lee.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
And she does look like she
could be a teacher.
Like when he made that joke,
she did the official teacher
that's-not-funny look. Yes. Yeah.
She didn't do the
it's-your-own-time-you're-wasting
look.
What about Lucy?
Well, well, Lucy asked
Lee if his was true. So...
...I'm pretty much ruling her out.
Brenda.
Brenda the...
Brenda the Chicken.
What about Ralph?
Well, it's a lot of detail there.
Chertsey, Slough.
I can believe the anger of the
parents. Yeah. And getting
it all out of proportion,
and this is obviously why football
needs to be banned.
I think, I think it's Ralph.
You think it's Ralph. Right.
Helen, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Helen.
And Lucy called me Brenda.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes.
Helen is Lucy's misnamed mate.
Thank you very much, Helen.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies.
And we start with...
BUZZER
...it's David.
"My local greasy spoon has named
one of their all-day 'break fasts'
"breakfasts..."
Sometimes you can sound
really posh, can't you?
"My local..."
I think we're going to go with lie.
"My local greasy spoon has named one
of their all-day breakfasts
"after my regular order.
"Now for just £7.99 anyone can
enjoy
"Hungry David's Mushroom Madness."
Lee's team.
Wow.
Can you tell us what a Mushroom
Madness is, please?
The mushroom madness is four large
fried,
you know like the large fried
mushroom. Oh, I don't like them.
Yeah, it has rotational symmetry.
That's the key thing. Right.
Four of them and two fried
eggs between the four
mushrooms of madness.
Yeah. And then,
and then diagonal bacon over the top
of the mushrooms and toast
on the side.
So, you know these mushrooms?
Yeah.
Did you ask that it has to be four?
I asked.
Do you ask for the layout or do
you start positioning it like that?
I initially started positioning it
and I got chatting to the guy
that, erm, that works there.
Sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You made
small talk with a stranger?
Yes.
Come on, David.
Remember, this could be a lie.
Oh, yes.
So you were brought a breakfast,
a normal breakfast,
and then you... Ruined it.
...built it on...
I ordered the items, you know,
they have various set item things
you can go for or you can just say,
"I'L have this, this and this."
Well, my, "this, this,
and this" has become a set item.
What's it called?
David's...
It's called... It's called Hungry
David's Mushroom Madness.
Just, just remind us of the layout
of this meal.
Remind... You want me to remember
the name? Remember the layout?
This is just something true
that happened to me.
For God's sake.
It's, there's the four mushrooms.
A bit sort of like sombrero-y.
Right.
You know, like enormous grey...
Yes. Not enormous. Very, very small,
but enormous for a mushroom.
Small for a hat.
And there something else
I was going to say.
I can't remember now.
"There was something else
I was going to say.
"I can't remember." Wonderful
stuff from David Mitchell.
Vintage stuff. That's why we didn't
get recommissioned.
I can trace it back to that one
moment.
"There was something else I was
going to say... Can't remember."
Wouldn't that be a ballsy trailer
for the show?
MUTTERING: I was going to
say something else, but anyway...
And then... "At 8:00."
OK. What do you think, Ralph?
I don't believe for a second
that David Mitchell goes
into a greasy spoon cafe.
What if he just thinks it's greasy?
It's actually a two Michelin-starred
French restaurant.
It lost a star last year, and now
he calls it the greasy spoon.
DAVID: Are you saying I don't know
whether something's greasy?
I do know. I can...
I can detect grease.
Yeah.
Right. It's time to decide.
Has he given you any feedback
on how it's going, this dish?
"How's it going?" "Yeah. We've not
sold many, David,
"we're thinking of
dropping the David."
So you think it's...?
I think it's a lie.
He checked his card twice.
What do you think, Lucy?
I think whatever Ralph thinks.
Lie. I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Well, David, was it a lie
or was it actually all true?
It was, in fact,
a lie.
Yes. It's a lie. David doesn't have
a breakfast named after him.
BUZZER
Oh! That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.