Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 10 - At Christmas - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to
Would I Lie To You At Christmas?,
a very special festive edition
that sorts the facts from the fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
an award—winning actor
of stage and screen.
Treading the boards for us tonight
is Christopher Eccleston.
APPLAUSE
And writer and star of
Alma's Not Normal,
the BAFTA—winning comedian
Sophie Will an.
APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, from Man Like Mobeen,
it's the king of Coventry himself,
Guz Khan.
APPLAUSE
And our very own fairy godmother.
It's broadcasting legend
Gloria Hunniford.
Hey! Hey!
APPLAUSE
So to round one, Home Truths,
where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And, Gloria, you're first up.
OK. Every year, my family run
a sweepstake on what time
I will fall asleep in my chair
on Christmas Day.
Ah, Lee's team. OK.
And what was the winning time
last Christmas?
9:15, maybe.
In the morning?
No. I'm up at 4:00 in the morning.
You're up at 4:00 in the morning?!
Yes. Why?
Cos Santa Claus comes really early.
So why do YOU have to get up, then?
I have to enjoy it all, don't I?
Is it at your house? My house.
How many?
I would say altogether, maybe 16.
16? Ooh, do you have to cook?
Well, the thing is, we have
a very big extended family now,
and I wouldn't say I'm a great cook,
but I just feed them lots of alcohol
on Christmas Day.
Nice. Very wise.
And that takes over
from the cooking, really?
And whose idea was it
to start doing a sweepstake?
I don't actually remember whose idea
it was, because I was a bit tired
by then and had had a few
bevvies myself.
Gloria, can I ask you a question?
Yeah. How much do you drink?
How much do I...?
Well, my mum always had
a little sherry, and, in a way,
I was brought up on that. A drop of
whisky now and again and hot water.
Are you here to do the show
or is this an intervention?
So how much is it to have a go
on the sweepstake?
Oh, well, our family's a bit mean.
It's only five quid at a time, max.
Well, five quid's quite a lot
for a sweepstake.
Are they spiking your drinks to...?
"Get the chloroform.
I've got her at 9:40!"
"I didn't touch her. Give me
the money. I did not touch her.
"Who's turned the gas on
and not lit it?"
16 people sweepstake,
five quid a go.
What's the latest anyone's
ever guessed?
9:15 you said, didn't you?
Yeah.
I said I've been known to...
That was last Christmas, was 9:15.
But I'm quite a predictable person,
and...
I knew you were going to say that.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE
So what about you, David?
When do you get off at Christmas?
Are we talking about an afternoon
snooze in front of Shrek 2?
Hey, that's your wife
you're talking about!
So sorry. I'm so sorry, Victoria.
Chris, what are you thinking?
I was thinking a lie, because of
the 9:15. It was too quick for me.
You mean she answered you
too quickly? Yeah.
Sophie? I think true.
And it seems like a fun
community spirit kind of game.
Slightly mean... Yeah.
..but also a bit of fun, in't it?
Before you make your decision, yeah?
Yeah.
You just got to bear in mind
that this is G Hunniford,
she is a national treasure, and I
don't think the people of Britain
are going to take to it kindly that
you're out here calling her a liar.
LAUGHTER
So bear that in mind!
APPLAUSE
How sure are you?
He seems very confident.
I will go with you.
Yeah, but I trust your
instinct here.
Right, OK. Thank you.
So it's all on you, mate.
LAUGHTER
We're going to say lie.
OK, they say it's a lie.
Gloria, was it true or was it a lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
Good man. That 9:15 detail.
Yes, it's a lie.
Guz, you're next.
When I was a teacher, I had one
class that was so difficult,
I played walk—on music
to make my entrance more dramatic.
Lee's team.
You were a teacher?
Yes, I was.
Wow. What kind of teacher were you?
A humanities teacher.
What music did you play?
So basically, the speaker system
there in the classroom
was connected to my phone,
so you could play anything on it,
and I decided that the theme from
Rocky would be the one to go for.
LEE HUMS "ROCKY" THEME
That one?
The only...
That's the only theme from Rocky
that you really want to play,
that one. All right,
so the kids are all sat in class.
Yeah. You're not in the class yet?
No, so I greet them at the door.
Good teachers greet the kids at the
door. What do you say at the door?
"Yes, Leon, well done for your mum."
All them kind of things.
What? Leon's mum was
a very attractive woman.
So everyone, every teacher was like,
"Oh, is your mum coming to, er,
parents' evening, Leon?"
LAUGHTER
So after I greeted everybody,
and they're sat down,
pens and pencils out,
they get a bit chatty, and it was
a notorious class, like I told you,
so I played the Rocky theme tune.
HE HUMS "ROCKY" THEME
That's a bit of a Bollywood version,
but you know what I'm saying.
Like, it. You play it...
You play it in there,
and then I walk in the room.
It's got everyone's attention.
Why don't you imagine you've got
a really difficult, unruly class,
particularly one child?
LAUGHTER
You could recreate for us coming in
and imposing yourself
upon this dreadful child.
But it wouldn't just be Lee
on his own.
It's going to be Chris and Soph,
they're all mucking about.
Yeah, but I think he's the worst.
OK, yeah.
APPLAUSE
Good idea.
I can feel the energy of the class
is a nightmare. Yeah.
I'm stressed out,
losing control of the class,
and I decide, "You know what?
"I need to hit them with the vibes,
with the energy. Cue the music."
MUSIC: THEME FROM "ROCKY"
Stop that clapping, Soph!
Get your book out.
Listen to me, Lee.
Listen to me, and you listen
to me good. I'm listening. Yeah?
Unless you get your homework to me
every single week on time,
you'd best believe some terrible
things are going to happen
in the car park. You understand?
Yep.
Can I just double check
that everyone heard
what he said to me there?
He said if I didn't do my homework,
something terrible was
going to happen in the car park.
I mean, Guz, that's a bit much.
That was something else -
but was it based on fact?
Did it happen, Chris?
I think it's true.
You think so? I think true.
OK. Cos I think the confidence and
it's a well rehearsed routine.
I have to say, when he was behind
me, he touched me on the shoulders.
He had authority about him. Yeah.
He's a man that could
whisper threats.
I also happen to think now
I know why he got sacked.
So you're saying it's true?
Yeah. OK, they think it's true.
Guz, was it true
or was it in fact a lie?
It was...
...a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Guz didn't walk into class
to the theme from Rocky.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Frank.
APPLAUSE
So, Sophie, what is Frank to you?
This is Frank.
He kicked me out of school
for arriving in a bikini.
Chris, how do you know Frank?
This is my mate Frank,
and I brought him here tonight
because he's desperate
to meet Gloria Hunniford.
Then finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Frank?
This is Frank. I ruined his
rendition of Silent Night
when I blocked his tuba
with my satsuma.
So there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?
Sophie, describe the occasion
when Frank kicked you out of school.
So he was my headmaster.
Yeah. And basically, I decided
I wasn't going to go to school
that day because I fancied
something a bit different,
and I didn't go in often.
Yeah. I used to do sort of
guest appearances, really,
but on this occasion I decided
to go down right by school.
There's a big field.
Where in the country are we, Sophie?
Bolton. Lovely.
Yeah. I like Bolton.
Thank you. Yeah.
I'm not sure, but...
Basically, we thought we'll just do
something a bit nice and civilised.
Who's we?
My sort of friends that were
not connected to the school...
OK. ..or how it was described
in the expulsion letter.
So we'd got ourselves some lovely
beers, and we'd gone to the field,
and we had our stereo,
and everything was going lovely.
And I was wearing a bikini
because I will say it was
a very hot day in Bolton.
They only come once a decade.
We all wanted to
make the most of it.
But the batteries died
on the stereo. So I was like,
I'll just nip In
and I'll go into the tech block
and I'll get some batteries
and I'll bob 'em in me stereo,
and it'll all be fine.
So theft is
what we're talking about.
And what happened to you
in terms of Frank, then?
So Frank was my headmaster,
so he...
Well, Mr Riley was the one
who caught me.
He blew his whistle and screamed
at me across the hallway.
Was Mr Riley a PE teacher?
No, he wasn't,
but he had the personality of one.
Yeah, so anyway, then I got the
letter in the post that said,
"Sophie's arrived in school
in non—uniform,"
then it put in buckets
"a bikini on one occasion,"
and I was excluded,
and that was Frank.
Frank was a lovely headmaster,
though.
I don't want to dob him in
completely. He was quite nice.
No, I don't feel that you've
dobbed him in
by the fact that he took
some disciplinary action
over a pupil who'd arrived at school
drunk in a bikini
hoping to steal some batteries.
Yeah!
I think, in many ways,
he'd be in more trouble
educationally if you'd said,
"And he said that was fine."
Yeah, that's a good point, yeah.
What did your family say
when they got the letter?
Well, they didn't get the letter.
Why not? I got it.
Ah!
I'm not daft.
I've had these letters before.
I know that school logo.
Oh, I see. I go straight in.
There's a couple of plot points,
yeah, that aren't adding up.
Number one is
how comfortable you are
calling your former headteacher
Frank.
There is no way I could
call them by their first name.
I'd feel dirty,
like a filthy, filthy person.
What is Frank's surname?
Mr Vigon.
Big 'Un? Vigon!
That's how my cousin from Bradford
says Wigan - Vigon.
Mr Vigon!
I don't believe it.
OK, Chris. Just remind us
how you know Frank.
I met Frank in 199...2... Right.
...two years into my career
on Inspector Morse.
He was the sound recordist.
And he was desperate to meet Gloria?
And Neil Diamond.
LAUGHTER
And how did the subject of meeting
Gloria and Neil Diamond
come up between you?
John Thaw...
...had an allergy to fish.
Did I just have
one of my blackouts again?
Yes.
So my start date on Inspector Morse
was...in the future,
and I was knocking around
West Hampstead, where 1 lived,
and I got a message saying I had to
go in to film two weeks early
because John Thaw was off and they
wanted to shoot my sequences,
and I was terrified.
It was my second only...
I'd done Casualty,
and I was doing Inspector Morse.
I was terrified.
And you were brought in early
because John Thaw was ill
from having had fish.
He had fish, and his face had...
Ah, it'll be a pufferfish.
His face had...
It happens.
...had blown up. Yeah, yeah.
An allergic reaction.
So I went in two weeks early.
I was terrified.
And the first thing that happened
was Frank mic'd me up.
Right. And I was trembling,
and he was lovely about it,
and, erm...
...at lunchtime...
I thought I'd gone again.
At lunchtime, I sat with him...
Yeah.
...and we fell into what has become
a surreal conversation
about people who Frank
would like to meet.
And among them were Neil Diamond
and Gloria Hunniford.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The difference is that Neil Diamond
is in LA and I'm here.
Frank has no access to Neil Diamond
at the minute,
but he could have access to me,
couldn't he?
Because I'm here.
Yes, that's actually true.
Well, you've heard it from her.
He could have access to her.
He could. She said it.
So what is it about Gloria,
that Frank is particularly drawn to?
Her voice. She's got a lovely voice,
hasn't she? Yeah.
And he's a sound recordist,
so that would make sense that he
appreciated... Yes, of course.
I was asking about
the quality of sound,
asking all the boring questions
that actors ask,
and he talked about vocal quality,
and he talked about Gloria
and he talked about Neil Diamond.
Well, Frank, that was very nice.
Thank you very much indeed.
How come he's here tonight?
Sorry? How...?
How...?
HE KNOCKS ON PARTITION
How...? Not you, sorry.
Ooh!
Oh, my God!
Oh! He got...
Is serial killer one of the options?
I think there was...
There was something headmasterly
about that. That was chilling.
Like visiting Hannibal Lecter
behind the screen.
How come he's here tonight?
How has that come about?
Gloria did a show called
The Masked Singer a while ago,
with a white head on or something.
I was Snow Leopard,
just for the record. Thank you.
And he texted me the instant,
and said, "tit's Gloria Hunniford."
Wow. There you go, see?
And within a week of that,
I was asked to come on this show
because David Tennant
turned it down.
APPLAUSE
Right, David, Lee Mack,
now, what about him?
So a tuba and a satsuma.
Talk us through it, Lee.
This is Frank. I ruined his
rendition of Silent Night
when I blocked his tuba
with my satsuma.
I'm not sure there's any other
information you need.
Well, first question -
do you mean a literal satsuma,
or is that sort of some kind
of disgusting innuendo?
Just to be clear, do you believe
the satsuma is an innuendo
or the tuba is innuendo?
At that point, I was imagining
that the satsuma was a body part
of yours, that the tuba
was literally true.
I'm now imagining that the tuba
is a body part of Frank's
and the satsuma is literally true.
Obviously, it could be a
straightforward physical interaction
between the two of you,
in which case I give you joy of it.
When...? When was this?
About a week before last Christmas.
Right, OK.
And was Frank playing
with the Salvation Army?
He was, actually. Was he?
Yes. Thanks. I'll use that.
Where was he playing?
Where was he playing, Gloria?
No, he was playing down the
high street where I live,
and rumour got out.
Rumour got out.
Is that their marketing strategy?
And it's a nice, festive thing.
You stand around, and it's nice,
isn't it? Salvation Army.
Why don't you like about
the Salvation Army, David?
If it wasn't for them, you wouldn't
be wearing those clothes.
Just remember, as...
APPLAUSE
You decide to go. I went to watch.
On your own?
No, with my wife and children.
OK. And... You believe I've got
a wife and children, don't you?
Yeah, I've met people
you claim are them, so...
Yes. Well, they were people
I hired in
because I didn't want you
around my real family.
And you all went
down the high street.
Yes. And what happened then?
Well, then we were
enjoying the music,
and we were swaying along gently.
And that's when one of my kids
shouted the now well-known phrase
in our area,
"Dad, have you got a satsuma?"
One of your children asks for
a satsuma. Yes. What happens?
Well, he's over yonder there.
But aren't there lots of people
standing listening to the music?
Oh, God, yeah. I mean, it...
So you could still hear one
of your children ask for a satsuma
from quite a long way away... No.
..during a concert...
No! ..lots of people standing
in between?
Through the music, I could tell
what he meant, because he went...
HE MOUTHS
I see.
And what was the effect on the music
of the satsuma going in the tuba?
It just got a little bit
more citrusy.
That's the way I'd describe it.
I want to know what your wife said
about this disqusting, childish
behaviour. She said...
She said, "I'm sick of your attitude
and I'm thinking of leaving you."
And that was before
I'd even thrown it.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Frank Sophie's tough teacher,
Chris' fanatical friend,
or Lee's muted musician?
I'm very confused, because when some
of you were cussing out Frank
for no good reason,
Sophie bit her bottom lip
like it would have been
her headteacher, yeah?
She was like,
"Oh, don't be horrible to him."
And then when I think about
Brother Eccleston, he said something
which is a really specific memory,
which is, "I was very nervous
on my first day acting,”
and Frank calmed me down,
and I would remember that.
Also, Frank's got that satsuma
somewhere he shouldn't have.
That's why he can't smile.
OK, so you think it could be
any of them.
Oddly, my starting point
is it can't be any of them.
At the beginning, I did not think
it could be Sophie at all.
And then you heard
the other stories.
And then I heard the other stories.
Exactly.
I'm going to rule out Lee.
There, I've done my bit,
and you two decide.
Yeah. Maybe we'll go with Chris,
then.
Oh...!
I think Soph.
You think Soph, you think Chris?
Let's go with Chris, yeah.
You think...
I think we'll go with Chris.
You're going to say it's Chris?
Yeah.
OK, so, Frank, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Frank,
and I kicked Sophie out of school
for turning up in a bikini.
APPLAUSE
Yes, frank is Sophie's
tough teacher.
Thank you very much, Frank.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies.
We start with...
...Chris.
Thank you.
I have finally given up cheering,
because every time I did it,
people always said
I sounded sarcastic.
David's team.
So in what context would you cheer
previously? At football games.
Who do you support, Chris?
I support Manchester United.
Well, you probably were
cheering sarcastically.
Must sound really sarcastic to punch
through as sarcastic
in the context of lots of other
people cheering,
particularly in a stadium.
There's sort of 40,000 people
cheering,
and then everyone turns around
and says, "He's being sarcastic."
To me, it isn't sarcastic.
I've been told,
not by 40,000 people,
I've been told by one particular
individual.
Oh, it was at QPR, was it?
So let's imagine you're watching
Manchester United,
and Georgie Best is...
Sorry. Let's bring it
right up to date.
Paul Scholes is streaking,
and he scores a goal, and you go...
Hooray!
That cheer definitely might not
be 100% sincere sounding.
What would a sincere cheer
sound like?
Well, I don't know. I mean, I...
Yay! Yay! Yes! Come on, boys!
Come on!
"Yes, yes. Come on, boys. Come on."
Well, it's better than his.
Now, David, you're at Millwall.
You're with your mates.
It's 1-1 till the 89th minute,
and then your boys score a goal.
Yeah. It means everything,
and you go...
HE ROARS WITH DELIGHT
Good one!
APPLAUSE
What... Now that was good.
Thank you.
What I tried to infuse that with
is a little bit of rage.
Yeah, well, that...
Because I think -
I think that's the thing
that, underlying a lot
of football supporting,
is the rage that this thing
that they're into
doesn't matter at all.
The rage... The rage is the issue.
I was with my children... Yeah.
...and I was surrounded by that
primal scream kind of reaction,
and I muted it,
and a guy turned round and said,
"You're not really a Red.
What are you doing in this end?
"Call that a cheer?"
and my kids heard it,
and I said, I'm doing it because
I don't want them to see me going,
"Yes! Come on!"
Now that's a lot better.
Power. The power!
Wow. You see, Rob?
You were wrong when you rang me.
He IS a good actor.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What did you say to the guy
who said you were sarcastic?
I tried to reason with him,
and then he said,
"Oh, Doctor Who off the telly.
"Who do you think you are?"
You've been on both shows? Yeah.
APPLAUSE
All right, guys,
what do you make of this?
I do believe that that was
a very sarcastic cheer,
and somebody might have thought
it was a bit weird.
But you're a big lad, and I wouldn't
mess with you like that
if 1 didn't know you, so I think...
I think lie.
Yeah. What do you think?
I think it's a lie.
OK, well, my team thinks it's a lie.
OK, you're saying it's a lie.
Chris, was it true or was it a lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Chris hasn't given up cheering
because he sounds sarcastic.
Next.
Sophie.
Oh, right.
I once had a fight
whilst dressed as a Christmas elf.
David's team.
Oh, right.
Where were you playing this elf?
I worked in the grottos...
Oh, regularly?
...in Manchester, Wigan, and Bolton.
I did it for several years.
But the problem is,
every Santa that you have,
they've all got their own issues.
They're very narcissistic
individuals.
And if you're stuck on a shift with
a Santa who's a bit of a plonker,
it's a long day.
And on this particular day,
he kept saying things like,
"I'm not just a Santa Claus.
I'm a family therapist."
You know, stuff like that.
LAUGHTER
So it was a stressful shift,
and he was really irritating me.
So I'd gone out for a cigarette,
and I got in trouble
for having a cigarette
in my uniform.
Well, paint a picture for us
of this elf uniform.
Well, it's an elf hat and...
you know, an elf suit, really.
Right. That's not really painting
a picture.
I could have said
"elf hat and elf suit."
All right, well, half of it was red
and half of it was green.
All right, have it your way.
LAUGHTER
How many fags did you smoke?
I don't know.
To be honest, you smoke in the day,
but you never get enough breaks.
And even when I'd quit smoking
for a bit, I'd always go,
"I'm going out for a ciggie,”
because you're only allowed
a "fag break".
You're not allowed a "break". Yeah.
What if you just want to stand
outside and live a bit longer?
That's not allowed.
LAUGHTER
So I kept the uniform on,
went for a cigarette,
got in loads of trouble,
and then another elf was like,
"Oh, we've got to get out of here.
Let's get to the pub.”
We needed this, me and this girl.
I was a small elf, you know,
I'm 5'3".
I looked like an easy target.
I got quite a bit of abuse.
"Wahey, Christmas elf!"
And after a bit,
it got quite irritating.
Anyway, I ended up getting into
a rough and tumble
with this one woman,
and it got very...
We were on the floor
rolling around. No!
What was she dressed as?
She was just herself.
She was being...
Well, you can't know that.
She could have been a real elf
disguised as a normal person,
in which case,
she'd be furious with you.
"Look! Look how you destroy
our reputation.
"I've been working all year
on children's presents.
"I have one night off,
and there you are,
"smoking and drinking,
and besmirching the name of elf."
OK, so you're on the floor.
You're fighting, fighting, fighting.
Yeah. What happens?
Well, I'm hair sensitive.
You're what, sorry?
Sorry, that's HAIR sensitive.
You're hair sensitive?
What does that mean?
It's a very soft German person.
Oh, that's good. That's very good.
Little cracker joke for you there
for Christmas.
So I'm quite sensitive
on the head,
so she got a good grip on the hair.
That was it. I was done.
That was it.
Gloria, what do you make of this?
I think it's a big fat lie.
I don't think she's
that kind of girl, really.
She's a different kind of girl.
I don't think she's
that kind of girl.
I, on the other hand, I think
she's that kind of girl.
Are you thinking true?
Cos I'm feeling true.
I must say I'm feeling true
because of all of the facts.
There's a lot of detail
Will you join in?
I'll join in, OK. We'll go true.
Right, you're going true.
We're going to go true, yeah.
So, Sophie, was it true
or was it a lie?
It was true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true. Sophie once had a
fight dressed as a Christmas elf.
BUZZER
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal
that Lee's team have two points
and David's team have three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
See you next time. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You upended
Good evening.
Welcome to
Would I Lie To You At Christmas?,
a very special festive edition
that sorts the facts from the fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
an award—winning actor
of stage and screen.
Treading the boards for us tonight
is Christopher Eccleston.
APPLAUSE
And writer and star of
Alma's Not Normal,
the BAFTA—winning comedian
Sophie Will an.
APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, from Man Like Mobeen,
it's the king of Coventry himself,
Guz Khan.
APPLAUSE
And our very own fairy godmother.
It's broadcasting legend
Gloria Hunniford.
Hey! Hey!
APPLAUSE
So to round one, Home Truths,
where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And, Gloria, you're first up.
OK. Every year, my family run
a sweepstake on what time
I will fall asleep in my chair
on Christmas Day.
Ah, Lee's team. OK.
And what was the winning time
last Christmas?
9:15, maybe.
In the morning?
No. I'm up at 4:00 in the morning.
You're up at 4:00 in the morning?!
Yes. Why?
Cos Santa Claus comes really early.
So why do YOU have to get up, then?
I have to enjoy it all, don't I?
Is it at your house? My house.
How many?
I would say altogether, maybe 16.
16? Ooh, do you have to cook?
Well, the thing is, we have
a very big extended family now,
and I wouldn't say I'm a great cook,
but I just feed them lots of alcohol
on Christmas Day.
Nice. Very wise.
And that takes over
from the cooking, really?
And whose idea was it
to start doing a sweepstake?
I don't actually remember whose idea
it was, because I was a bit tired
by then and had had a few
bevvies myself.
Gloria, can I ask you a question?
Yeah. How much do you drink?
How much do I...?
Well, my mum always had
a little sherry, and, in a way,
I was brought up on that. A drop of
whisky now and again and hot water.
Are you here to do the show
or is this an intervention?
So how much is it to have a go
on the sweepstake?
Oh, well, our family's a bit mean.
It's only five quid at a time, max.
Well, five quid's quite a lot
for a sweepstake.
Are they spiking your drinks to...?
"Get the chloroform.
I've got her at 9:40!"
"I didn't touch her. Give me
the money. I did not touch her.
"Who's turned the gas on
and not lit it?"
16 people sweepstake,
five quid a go.
What's the latest anyone's
ever guessed?
9:15 you said, didn't you?
Yeah.
I said I've been known to...
That was last Christmas, was 9:15.
But I'm quite a predictable person,
and...
I knew you were going to say that.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE
So what about you, David?
When do you get off at Christmas?
Are we talking about an afternoon
snooze in front of Shrek 2?
Hey, that's your wife
you're talking about!
So sorry. I'm so sorry, Victoria.
Chris, what are you thinking?
I was thinking a lie, because of
the 9:15. It was too quick for me.
You mean she answered you
too quickly? Yeah.
Sophie? I think true.
And it seems like a fun
community spirit kind of game.
Slightly mean... Yeah.
..but also a bit of fun, in't it?
Before you make your decision, yeah?
Yeah.
You just got to bear in mind
that this is G Hunniford,
she is a national treasure, and I
don't think the people of Britain
are going to take to it kindly that
you're out here calling her a liar.
LAUGHTER
So bear that in mind!
APPLAUSE
How sure are you?
He seems very confident.
I will go with you.
Yeah, but I trust your
instinct here.
Right, OK. Thank you.
So it's all on you, mate.
LAUGHTER
We're going to say lie.
OK, they say it's a lie.
Gloria, was it true or was it a lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
Good man. That 9:15 detail.
Yes, it's a lie.
Guz, you're next.
When I was a teacher, I had one
class that was so difficult,
I played walk—on music
to make my entrance more dramatic.
Lee's team.
You were a teacher?
Yes, I was.
Wow. What kind of teacher were you?
A humanities teacher.
What music did you play?
So basically, the speaker system
there in the classroom
was connected to my phone,
so you could play anything on it,
and I decided that the theme from
Rocky would be the one to go for.
LEE HUMS "ROCKY" THEME
That one?
The only...
That's the only theme from Rocky
that you really want to play,
that one. All right,
so the kids are all sat in class.
Yeah. You're not in the class yet?
No, so I greet them at the door.
Good teachers greet the kids at the
door. What do you say at the door?
"Yes, Leon, well done for your mum."
All them kind of things.
What? Leon's mum was
a very attractive woman.
So everyone, every teacher was like,
"Oh, is your mum coming to, er,
parents' evening, Leon?"
LAUGHTER
So after I greeted everybody,
and they're sat down,
pens and pencils out,
they get a bit chatty, and it was
a notorious class, like I told you,
so I played the Rocky theme tune.
HE HUMS "ROCKY" THEME
That's a bit of a Bollywood version,
but you know what I'm saying.
Like, it. You play it...
You play it in there,
and then I walk in the room.
It's got everyone's attention.
Why don't you imagine you've got
a really difficult, unruly class,
particularly one child?
LAUGHTER
You could recreate for us coming in
and imposing yourself
upon this dreadful child.
But it wouldn't just be Lee
on his own.
It's going to be Chris and Soph,
they're all mucking about.
Yeah, but I think he's the worst.
OK, yeah.
APPLAUSE
Good idea.
I can feel the energy of the class
is a nightmare. Yeah.
I'm stressed out,
losing control of the class,
and I decide, "You know what?
"I need to hit them with the vibes,
with the energy. Cue the music."
MUSIC: THEME FROM "ROCKY"
Stop that clapping, Soph!
Get your book out.
Listen to me, Lee.
Listen to me, and you listen
to me good. I'm listening. Yeah?
Unless you get your homework to me
every single week on time,
you'd best believe some terrible
things are going to happen
in the car park. You understand?
Yep.
Can I just double check
that everyone heard
what he said to me there?
He said if I didn't do my homework,
something terrible was
going to happen in the car park.
I mean, Guz, that's a bit much.
That was something else -
but was it based on fact?
Did it happen, Chris?
I think it's true.
You think so? I think true.
OK. Cos I think the confidence and
it's a well rehearsed routine.
I have to say, when he was behind
me, he touched me on the shoulders.
He had authority about him. Yeah.
He's a man that could
whisper threats.
I also happen to think now
I know why he got sacked.
So you're saying it's true?
Yeah. OK, they think it's true.
Guz, was it true
or was it in fact a lie?
It was...
...a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Guz didn't walk into class
to the theme from Rocky.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Frank.
APPLAUSE
So, Sophie, what is Frank to you?
This is Frank.
He kicked me out of school
for arriving in a bikini.
Chris, how do you know Frank?
This is my mate Frank,
and I brought him here tonight
because he's desperate
to meet Gloria Hunniford.
Then finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Frank?
This is Frank. I ruined his
rendition of Silent Night
when I blocked his tuba
with my satsuma.
So there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?
Sophie, describe the occasion
when Frank kicked you out of school.
So he was my headmaster.
Yeah. And basically, I decided
I wasn't going to go to school
that day because I fancied
something a bit different,
and I didn't go in often.
Yeah. I used to do sort of
guest appearances, really,
but on this occasion I decided
to go down right by school.
There's a big field.
Where in the country are we, Sophie?
Bolton. Lovely.
Yeah. I like Bolton.
Thank you. Yeah.
I'm not sure, but...
Basically, we thought we'll just do
something a bit nice and civilised.
Who's we?
My sort of friends that were
not connected to the school...
OK. ..or how it was described
in the expulsion letter.
So we'd got ourselves some lovely
beers, and we'd gone to the field,
and we had our stereo,
and everything was going lovely.
And I was wearing a bikini
because I will say it was
a very hot day in Bolton.
They only come once a decade.
We all wanted to
make the most of it.
But the batteries died
on the stereo. So I was like,
I'll just nip In
and I'll go into the tech block
and I'll get some batteries
and I'll bob 'em in me stereo,
and it'll all be fine.
So theft is
what we're talking about.
And what happened to you
in terms of Frank, then?
So Frank was my headmaster,
so he...
Well, Mr Riley was the one
who caught me.
He blew his whistle and screamed
at me across the hallway.
Was Mr Riley a PE teacher?
No, he wasn't,
but he had the personality of one.
Yeah, so anyway, then I got the
letter in the post that said,
"Sophie's arrived in school
in non—uniform,"
then it put in buckets
"a bikini on one occasion,"
and I was excluded,
and that was Frank.
Frank was a lovely headmaster,
though.
I don't want to dob him in
completely. He was quite nice.
No, I don't feel that you've
dobbed him in
by the fact that he took
some disciplinary action
over a pupil who'd arrived at school
drunk in a bikini
hoping to steal some batteries.
Yeah!
I think, in many ways,
he'd be in more trouble
educationally if you'd said,
"And he said that was fine."
Yeah, that's a good point, yeah.
What did your family say
when they got the letter?
Well, they didn't get the letter.
Why not? I got it.
Ah!
I'm not daft.
I've had these letters before.
I know that school logo.
Oh, I see. I go straight in.
There's a couple of plot points,
yeah, that aren't adding up.
Number one is
how comfortable you are
calling your former headteacher
Frank.
There is no way I could
call them by their first name.
I'd feel dirty,
like a filthy, filthy person.
What is Frank's surname?
Mr Vigon.
Big 'Un? Vigon!
That's how my cousin from Bradford
says Wigan - Vigon.
Mr Vigon!
I don't believe it.
OK, Chris. Just remind us
how you know Frank.
I met Frank in 199...2... Right.
...two years into my career
on Inspector Morse.
He was the sound recordist.
And he was desperate to meet Gloria?
And Neil Diamond.
LAUGHTER
And how did the subject of meeting
Gloria and Neil Diamond
come up between you?
John Thaw...
...had an allergy to fish.
Did I just have
one of my blackouts again?
Yes.
So my start date on Inspector Morse
was...in the future,
and I was knocking around
West Hampstead, where 1 lived,
and I got a message saying I had to
go in to film two weeks early
because John Thaw was off and they
wanted to shoot my sequences,
and I was terrified.
It was my second only...
I'd done Casualty,
and I was doing Inspector Morse.
I was terrified.
And you were brought in early
because John Thaw was ill
from having had fish.
He had fish, and his face had...
Ah, it'll be a pufferfish.
His face had...
It happens.
...had blown up. Yeah, yeah.
An allergic reaction.
So I went in two weeks early.
I was terrified.
And the first thing that happened
was Frank mic'd me up.
Right. And I was trembling,
and he was lovely about it,
and, erm...
...at lunchtime...
I thought I'd gone again.
At lunchtime, I sat with him...
Yeah.
...and we fell into what has become
a surreal conversation
about people who Frank
would like to meet.
And among them were Neil Diamond
and Gloria Hunniford.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The difference is that Neil Diamond
is in LA and I'm here.
Frank has no access to Neil Diamond
at the minute,
but he could have access to me,
couldn't he?
Because I'm here.
Yes, that's actually true.
Well, you've heard it from her.
He could have access to her.
He could. She said it.
So what is it about Gloria,
that Frank is particularly drawn to?
Her voice. She's got a lovely voice,
hasn't she? Yeah.
And he's a sound recordist,
so that would make sense that he
appreciated... Yes, of course.
I was asking about
the quality of sound,
asking all the boring questions
that actors ask,
and he talked about vocal quality,
and he talked about Gloria
and he talked about Neil Diamond.
Well, Frank, that was very nice.
Thank you very much indeed.
How come he's here tonight?
Sorry? How...?
How...?
HE KNOCKS ON PARTITION
How...? Not you, sorry.
Ooh!
Oh, my God!
Oh! He got...
Is serial killer one of the options?
I think there was...
There was something headmasterly
about that. That was chilling.
Like visiting Hannibal Lecter
behind the screen.
How come he's here tonight?
How has that come about?
Gloria did a show called
The Masked Singer a while ago,
with a white head on or something.
I was Snow Leopard,
just for the record. Thank you.
And he texted me the instant,
and said, "tit's Gloria Hunniford."
Wow. There you go, see?
And within a week of that,
I was asked to come on this show
because David Tennant
turned it down.
APPLAUSE
Right, David, Lee Mack,
now, what about him?
So a tuba and a satsuma.
Talk us through it, Lee.
This is Frank. I ruined his
rendition of Silent Night
when I blocked his tuba
with my satsuma.
I'm not sure there's any other
information you need.
Well, first question -
do you mean a literal satsuma,
or is that sort of some kind
of disgusting innuendo?
Just to be clear, do you believe
the satsuma is an innuendo
or the tuba is innuendo?
At that point, I was imagining
that the satsuma was a body part
of yours, that the tuba
was literally true.
I'm now imagining that the tuba
is a body part of Frank's
and the satsuma is literally true.
Obviously, it could be a
straightforward physical interaction
between the two of you,
in which case I give you joy of it.
When...? When was this?
About a week before last Christmas.
Right, OK.
And was Frank playing
with the Salvation Army?
He was, actually. Was he?
Yes. Thanks. I'll use that.
Where was he playing?
Where was he playing, Gloria?
No, he was playing down the
high street where I live,
and rumour got out.
Rumour got out.
Is that their marketing strategy?
And it's a nice, festive thing.
You stand around, and it's nice,
isn't it? Salvation Army.
Why don't you like about
the Salvation Army, David?
If it wasn't for them, you wouldn't
be wearing those clothes.
Just remember, as...
APPLAUSE
You decide to go. I went to watch.
On your own?
No, with my wife and children.
OK. And... You believe I've got
a wife and children, don't you?
Yeah, I've met people
you claim are them, so...
Yes. Well, they were people
I hired in
because I didn't want you
around my real family.
And you all went
down the high street.
Yes. And what happened then?
Well, then we were
enjoying the music,
and we were swaying along gently.
And that's when one of my kids
shouted the now well-known phrase
in our area,
"Dad, have you got a satsuma?"
One of your children asks for
a satsuma. Yes. What happens?
Well, he's over yonder there.
But aren't there lots of people
standing listening to the music?
Oh, God, yeah. I mean, it...
So you could still hear one
of your children ask for a satsuma
from quite a long way away... No.
..during a concert...
No! ..lots of people standing
in between?
Through the music, I could tell
what he meant, because he went...
HE MOUTHS
I see.
And what was the effect on the music
of the satsuma going in the tuba?
It just got a little bit
more citrusy.
That's the way I'd describe it.
I want to know what your wife said
about this disqusting, childish
behaviour. She said...
She said, "I'm sick of your attitude
and I'm thinking of leaving you."
And that was before
I'd even thrown it.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Frank Sophie's tough teacher,
Chris' fanatical friend,
or Lee's muted musician?
I'm very confused, because when some
of you were cussing out Frank
for no good reason,
Sophie bit her bottom lip
like it would have been
her headteacher, yeah?
She was like,
"Oh, don't be horrible to him."
And then when I think about
Brother Eccleston, he said something
which is a really specific memory,
which is, "I was very nervous
on my first day acting,”
and Frank calmed me down,
and I would remember that.
Also, Frank's got that satsuma
somewhere he shouldn't have.
That's why he can't smile.
OK, so you think it could be
any of them.
Oddly, my starting point
is it can't be any of them.
At the beginning, I did not think
it could be Sophie at all.
And then you heard
the other stories.
And then I heard the other stories.
Exactly.
I'm going to rule out Lee.
There, I've done my bit,
and you two decide.
Yeah. Maybe we'll go with Chris,
then.
Oh...!
I think Soph.
You think Soph, you think Chris?
Let's go with Chris, yeah.
You think...
I think we'll go with Chris.
You're going to say it's Chris?
Yeah.
OK, so, Frank, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Frank,
and I kicked Sophie out of school
for turning up in a bikini.
APPLAUSE
Yes, frank is Sophie's
tough teacher.
Thank you very much, Frank.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies.
We start with...
...Chris.
Thank you.
I have finally given up cheering,
because every time I did it,
people always said
I sounded sarcastic.
David's team.
So in what context would you cheer
previously? At football games.
Who do you support, Chris?
I support Manchester United.
Well, you probably were
cheering sarcastically.
Must sound really sarcastic to punch
through as sarcastic
in the context of lots of other
people cheering,
particularly in a stadium.
There's sort of 40,000 people
cheering,
and then everyone turns around
and says, "He's being sarcastic."
To me, it isn't sarcastic.
I've been told,
not by 40,000 people,
I've been told by one particular
individual.
Oh, it was at QPR, was it?
So let's imagine you're watching
Manchester United,
and Georgie Best is...
Sorry. Let's bring it
right up to date.
Paul Scholes is streaking,
and he scores a goal, and you go...
Hooray!
That cheer definitely might not
be 100% sincere sounding.
What would a sincere cheer
sound like?
Well, I don't know. I mean, I...
Yay! Yay! Yes! Come on, boys!
Come on!
"Yes, yes. Come on, boys. Come on."
Well, it's better than his.
Now, David, you're at Millwall.
You're with your mates.
It's 1-1 till the 89th minute,
and then your boys score a goal.
Yeah. It means everything,
and you go...
HE ROARS WITH DELIGHT
Good one!
APPLAUSE
What... Now that was good.
Thank you.
What I tried to infuse that with
is a little bit of rage.
Yeah, well, that...
Because I think -
I think that's the thing
that, underlying a lot
of football supporting,
is the rage that this thing
that they're into
doesn't matter at all.
The rage... The rage is the issue.
I was with my children... Yeah.
...and I was surrounded by that
primal scream kind of reaction,
and I muted it,
and a guy turned round and said,
"You're not really a Red.
What are you doing in this end?
"Call that a cheer?"
and my kids heard it,
and I said, I'm doing it because
I don't want them to see me going,
"Yes! Come on!"
Now that's a lot better.
Power. The power!
Wow. You see, Rob?
You were wrong when you rang me.
He IS a good actor.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What did you say to the guy
who said you were sarcastic?
I tried to reason with him,
and then he said,
"Oh, Doctor Who off the telly.
"Who do you think you are?"
You've been on both shows? Yeah.
APPLAUSE
All right, guys,
what do you make of this?
I do believe that that was
a very sarcastic cheer,
and somebody might have thought
it was a bit weird.
But you're a big lad, and I wouldn't
mess with you like that
if 1 didn't know you, so I think...
I think lie.
Yeah. What do you think?
I think it's a lie.
OK, well, my team thinks it's a lie.
OK, you're saying it's a lie.
Chris, was it true or was it a lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Chris hasn't given up cheering
because he sounds sarcastic.
Next.
Sophie.
Oh, right.
I once had a fight
whilst dressed as a Christmas elf.
David's team.
Oh, right.
Where were you playing this elf?
I worked in the grottos...
Oh, regularly?
...in Manchester, Wigan, and Bolton.
I did it for several years.
But the problem is,
every Santa that you have,
they've all got their own issues.
They're very narcissistic
individuals.
And if you're stuck on a shift with
a Santa who's a bit of a plonker,
it's a long day.
And on this particular day,
he kept saying things like,
"I'm not just a Santa Claus.
I'm a family therapist."
You know, stuff like that.
LAUGHTER
So it was a stressful shift,
and he was really irritating me.
So I'd gone out for a cigarette,
and I got in trouble
for having a cigarette
in my uniform.
Well, paint a picture for us
of this elf uniform.
Well, it's an elf hat and...
you know, an elf suit, really.
Right. That's not really painting
a picture.
I could have said
"elf hat and elf suit."
All right, well, half of it was red
and half of it was green.
All right, have it your way.
LAUGHTER
How many fags did you smoke?
I don't know.
To be honest, you smoke in the day,
but you never get enough breaks.
And even when I'd quit smoking
for a bit, I'd always go,
"I'm going out for a ciggie,”
because you're only allowed
a "fag break".
You're not allowed a "break". Yeah.
What if you just want to stand
outside and live a bit longer?
That's not allowed.
LAUGHTER
So I kept the uniform on,
went for a cigarette,
got in loads of trouble,
and then another elf was like,
"Oh, we've got to get out of here.
Let's get to the pub.”
We needed this, me and this girl.
I was a small elf, you know,
I'm 5'3".
I looked like an easy target.
I got quite a bit of abuse.
"Wahey, Christmas elf!"
And after a bit,
it got quite irritating.
Anyway, I ended up getting into
a rough and tumble
with this one woman,
and it got very...
We were on the floor
rolling around. No!
What was she dressed as?
She was just herself.
She was being...
Well, you can't know that.
She could have been a real elf
disguised as a normal person,
in which case,
she'd be furious with you.
"Look! Look how you destroy
our reputation.
"I've been working all year
on children's presents.
"I have one night off,
and there you are,
"smoking and drinking,
and besmirching the name of elf."
OK, so you're on the floor.
You're fighting, fighting, fighting.
Yeah. What happens?
Well, I'm hair sensitive.
You're what, sorry?
Sorry, that's HAIR sensitive.
You're hair sensitive?
What does that mean?
It's a very soft German person.
Oh, that's good. That's very good.
Little cracker joke for you there
for Christmas.
So I'm quite sensitive
on the head,
so she got a good grip on the hair.
That was it. I was done.
That was it.
Gloria, what do you make of this?
I think it's a big fat lie.
I don't think she's
that kind of girl, really.
She's a different kind of girl.
I don't think she's
that kind of girl.
I, on the other hand, I think
she's that kind of girl.
Are you thinking true?
Cos I'm feeling true.
I must say I'm feeling true
because of all of the facts.
There's a lot of detail
Will you join in?
I'll join in, OK. We'll go true.
Right, you're going true.
We're going to go true, yeah.
So, Sophie, was it true
or was it a lie?
It was true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true. Sophie once had a
fight dressed as a Christmas elf.
BUZZER
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal
that Lee's team have two points
and David's team have three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
See you next time. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You upended