Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 6 - Episode #16.6 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You,
the show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an award winning comic famed
for his viral videos,
it's Munya Chawawa.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Radio 1Xtra DJ and I'm A
Celebrity star, Snoochie Shy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
academic and presenter
of Digging For Britain,
Professor Alice Roberts.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And he's back
to torment David again,
it's the legendary Bob Mortimer.
ECSTATIC CHEERING
We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Snoochie, you're up first.
OK, cool.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Because I assumed it was my
mate making a prank call,
I put the phone down
twice on Stevie Wonder.
Oh, Lee's team.
Wow. When was this?
It was two years ago,
actually, March the 15th.
Same day as Julius Caesar
was assassinated.
LAUGHTER
Do let me know if this man's
annoying you.
LAUGHTER
I mean, had he dialled
the wrong number?
And let's be honest,
it could happen.
No, he hadn't, actually. He hadn't.
LAUGHTER
He actually got my number
from my mum.
OK. Because they met each other.
So my mum used to work
at this rooftop company
called Dalston Roof park.
Right. What's this roof park?
It's a roof park
and it's in Dalston.
No, that's the same...
LAUGHTER
That's definitely just the same
words in a different order, that.
What I want is an explanation
of what a roof park is.
Basically, it's like you go
into the building, then you go
to the roof and there's a park.
You said it again!
No, no!
LAUGHTER
OK, wait. There's only
a park in the back bit.
When you go up over there,
the rave is popping,
you've got the bar area.
You've got the DJ decks
over there as well,
performances are happening.
And my mum's, like,
the event organiser.
OK, so he's gone to the roof part
and he's met your mum.
How's that worked out? They
was having a conversation, yeah.
So they swapped number. They both
had now each other's numbers. Yeah.
They've got each other's numbers,
but I didn't know this at the time.
No, of course. I wasn't talking
to my mum, because at that point
I moved out of the house. Right.
She was upset about that because
I took the cat with me. Yeah.
It was technically my cat
because I did choose the cat.
She then stopped speaking to me. Do
you know what? I actually don't want
to hear anything about Stevie
Wonder. Tell me about your cat.
So my best friend
Jamal is a singer
and he likes to do
impressions as well.
So, Stevie, who I thought was Jamal,
called me up.
It starts off with a piano.
I was just hearing... But obviously
better... Was it not plugged in?
What was the song? I can't remember
the song. Wow, Stevie Wonder's
rung you up and you can't remember
the song. No, but you know what?
I've got to be honest, like, I just
like rap music, so I didn't...
Do you know what I mean? So did you
say, "Stop singing but talk it?"
No, I like the singer, I like,
I like the song.
The song was great. And you've just
gone, "Yeah, whatevs, Jamal." Yeah.
And hung up the phone.
MUNYA: Snoochie,
when he first called you,
that must have been quite,
you know, quite freaky.
Or Very Superstitious!
I was going to say that, Lee!
LAUGHTER
Is that where that was leading?
I'm so sorry.
Munya, you have to remember with
Lee, he's very much Mr Know—-It—All
OK, I hate... Hey.
It's one of his songs. Oh, right.
So your mum has put him up to this?
Yeah.
Wait? Your mum put you up for this?
Isn't She Lovely?
No, not...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
SNOOCHIE HUMS "ISN'T SHE LOVELY"
Say what you like about Munya,
he doesn't give up.
Is that another one? No! Oh, right.
LAUGHTER
All of this is like that for me.
LAUGHTER
OK. Now, he phones back.
Phones back. Yeah.
IMPERSONATES STEVIE WONDER:
"Girl, it's Stevie Wonder, man.
"I met your mom in Dalston Roof park.
We had a great night.”
That's what's going on. Bit much.
"Hi, I'm Stevie Wonder and I had
a great night with your mother."
LAUGHTER
After I'd hung up twice,
Steve actually FaceTimed me.
Did you apologise, Snoochie,
to Stevie at any point?
Obviously, when I got
the Face Time, I was screaming.
I did say like, "Oh, my God,
sorry about that."
But, yeah. And then I did ask like,
"If I do eventually get married
in the future, will you perform?”
He did decline that.
LAUGHTER
All right. So, Bob,
what are you thinking?
I've got a feeling
that this did happen,
but it wasn't Stevie Wonder.
It was Stevie Nicks.
LAUGHTER
Really? Yeah.
So you think it's based on truth...
Yeah. ..but this is a lie? Yeah.
Well, so you say it's a lie.
You're saying...?
90, 80% a lie. 80% a lie.
No, I think it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK. Snoochie, was it a lie
or was it the truth?
It was...
A lie. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Snoochie didn't put the phone down
on Stevie Wonder.
Munya, you're next.
OK.
As a child, I struck up a friendship
with the nine men
who lived in my garden.
CHUCKLING
Lee's team.
Who were the nine men
that lived in your garden?
So they were gardeners.
Which sounds weird, but in Zimbabwe,
for your gardeners to live
in your garden, it's not a big deal
because there's so much
space for them.
So how big was this garden?
It was huge. I mean, in acreage.
What? 40 acres? Is that a lot?
Is it a lot?
At the time I was a child,
so I was interested in things
like Pokemon, not acreage.
I was interested in acreage.
LAUGHTER
If they lived there,
at what point did they become
not gardeners but tenants?
LAUGHTER
So they provided services, right?
So, gardening, erm...
LAUGHTER
They were singing gardeners.
They were what?
They discovered they had
a talent for harmonising.
Right. So they would sing
whilst gardening.
What were their names? Yes.
OK, listen...
If you say Dopey and Sneezy, etc,
you're going to run out.
LAUGHTER
OK. One of them was called Clever.
One of them was called Blessing.
I can't remember the others.
But what I do remember is, my dad...
I'm his only son,
so I'm his pride and joy, OK?
This man would do anything...
Well, you're his only son. OK.
I knew that he would rely on me
to give him the word on the ground
as to which gardeners should we get
rid of. It's a lot of people to pay.
Ah! So he basically only wanted
a couple, but he thought,
start with nine, get it down to two,
and they're the full-time gardeners.
How old are you at this time?
Like, erm, maybe eight, nine.
So did you whittle it down to
two gardeners for your dad?
Eventually whittled it down to one.
To one.
Because one day I had a catapult
and I...
One of the gardeners
was reading the Bible.
I took a fruit, I took a, it
was like a cherry but orange.
An orange? No, it was...
LAUGHTER
It was as small as a cherry.
Ah, right. Tangerine.
LAUGHTER
Let me land.
ALICE: A kumquat.
A kumquat! So I shot the kumquat
and it hits him
at the back of the head.
And he then went to my dad and said,
"Look, this is what your son
has done to me."
So eventually we ended up with one
and his name was Blessing.
So turned out to be the complete
right end to it.
Do anything to him? Hit him with a
rounders bat, didn't mind. Yeah.
And you said they sung,
they could harmonise.
Until eight of them got fired.
And then it was Blessing
singing on his own.
Covered in bruises.
LAUGHTER
What are you thinking, Alice?
I didn't believe it.
That seemed like a very,
very ornate tissue of lies to me.
What about you, Bob?
You wielded a lot of power as an
eight—year—old. He did, didn't he?
Weapons testing on your staff.
I mean, he doesn't come out of it
well, does he?
LAUGHTER
But I changed. I'm a changed man.
All right. What's it going to be?
I say true.
We'll say it's true.
You're going to say that it's true.
OK, Munya, was it true
or was it a lie?
Well, it was indeed...
True.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this
week's special guest, Steve.
APPLAUSE
So, Alice, what is Steve to you?
This is Steve,
and for over 17 years
we have been having an argument
about a courgette.
Bob, how do you know Steve?
This is Steve, and I won his
appendix off him in a bet.
LAUGHTER
And finally, Lee,
your relationship with Steve.
This is Steve. He landed his
helicopter to tell me off
because he saw me shushing him
whilst he was in the sky.
LAUGHTER
All right, there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?
Erm, this courgette row, Alice.
What's it about?
It's, it's about a nuance
of horticulture,
which is essentially,
is a courgette,
a small version of a marrow?
Or could they possibly be
two separate species?
And how long has this argument
been going on for? 17 years.
So when did this argument
first start popping off?
17 years ago.
LAUGHTER
OK, give me the context.
DAVID: How did you know each other?
We'd known each other for a while
because Steve was going out
with one of my friends. OK.
We were on holiday together,
and this argument
just sort of took over everything.
Was alcohol involved?
Might have been.
It's easier to have long
arguments about things
that don't really matter
if you're drunk.
We've done 16 series of this!
Yes. No. Also, it's also easier
if you're paid.
LAUGHTER
Which side of it are you on?
What is your belief?
Originally, I was pretty
sure that a marrow
was just a large courgette.
But don't you work with bones?
I work with archaeological
human remains.
So surely you'd know more
about bone marrows, no?
AUDIENCE GROANS
I'm... I'm sorry.
I don't know what they want,
if not that.
LAUGHTER
If the courgette becomes
a marrow, which I was always
led to believe, when does it become
a marrow? When is it a courgette?
There must be a perfect time
when it's half and half.
There must be
but you never see it.
You see, that is
what the billionaires eat.
There's only a millisecond
when it lies between the two.
And you have to have people watching
all night ready to freeze it
at the point, and then
they will dine for hours,
and they call it marguette!
LAUGHTER
How can a disagreement of
this nature become heated?
Yes. What is there to say?
That is very marrow minded.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But then you keep on arguing
about the colour,
the morphology,
the shape of the fruit.
Maybe I'm missing the point here.
Can you not just
look it up in a book?
LAUGHTER
It's a very fair question.
I didn't have a smartphone in 2005.
But since then, you've probably
purchased one at some point.
Why didn't you look it up?
Because it doesn't seem like
the sort of thing which is, um,
is important!
LAUGHTER
Who would you like to quiz next?
Bob... Bob, just remind us
of your statement.
This is Steve, who I won
his appendix from him
in a bet. Right.
So go on, do it to me.
LAUGHTER
I'm not willing to give
you any information
unless you ask for it.
You're making me ask.
You're making me come to you
cap in hand. Yes.
And say, "Fill this
with your nonsense.
"Fill this with whatever
corrupted balderdash
"comes out of you,
and then I will put it on my head."
LAUGHTER
And set fire to it!
APPLAUSE
No.
So how do you know him?
We were both members of what's
called the Middlesbrough Supporters
South Club, and we watch the
occasional football matches
together, as Middlesbrough
supporters in London.
So you'd go to a pub and watch...?
Yeah, usually the same pub,
the Wheatsheaf in Borough.
That sounds plausible as a pub.
I bet that exists.
Can we just stay with that?
OK, and one day you're there
watching the...
Is this when the bet is, is...?
Funnily enough, no.
LAUGHTER
The match had finished.
We stayed around for a booze and me,
Steve and a couple of the other lads
we went back to, not Steve's house,
but one of our fellow Middlesbrough
supporters who lives in Lant Street,
just beyond the Wheatsheaf.
How does the bet come about?
We played darts. Oh, right?
We played darts.
It's always nice to leave the pub,
go home and play darts.
Yeah? And then my, the duvet
was a great big bar towel.
Just...
Do they still have bar towels?
They're more like metal grids now.
They've gridded them up. They've
gridded them up and raised them.
So it's, it's all preparing
for A1 to take over. Al, sorry.
All
LAUGHTER
Did you think that film
with Will Smith was called A1?
LAUGHTER
So, Bob, I have had
my appendix removed. Me too.
And the only reason I knew I needed
it removed is because, suddenly,
in a fit of pain,
it started to proper bubble up.
So how can Steve now
bet his appendix
unless it's the day
that it starts throbbing?
He had it out as a child and it was
in a jar with a little red top.
And they come out red but over
the years it had turned yellow
and I thought that was
a very nice transition.
LAUGHTER
Red to yellow.
When it finally goes green,
you're allowed to go, aren't you?
How does the bet come about?
The bet comes about because I won,
and I think it was quite a lot
of money, 50 quid or whatever.
Steve wanted a final game.
I didn't want a game, so I demanded
if 1 win, I take your appendix.
Right. It's on the shelf
with some wisdom teeth.
But why is his appendix there?
Pfft! Ask Steve.
As you well know,
I'm not allowed to ask Steve.
But you're not in Steve's flat,
are you?
No. You've come to this flat
straight from the bar.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, I realise... Finally!
No, I realise that. Yes. Yes.
He just brought it with him
to the game.
Oh, did I say it wasn't Steve's
flat? Yes, you did say it wasn't.
No, no, it was Steve's flat
in Lant Street. I do apologise.
You definitely said
it wasn't Steve's flat.
Well, then I'm a fool
and I'm ashamed.
He's trying to weigh up
the odds here.
Did I accidentally
say the wrong name,
or did he bring all bits
of his body to the game
and put them on the mantelpiece?
And he's very wisely gone
for the wrong name.
It was Steve's flat. Yes.
Suddenly.
LAUGHTER
And so the various body parts
are on the shelf already,
and you win both his wisdom
teeth and his appendix.
Just the appendix.
Oh, you left the teeth?
Yeah, I didn't fancy them
at all. Right.
Oh, I had my wisdom teeth
out the other day.
Did you? The other day? You probably
did that yourself in the kitchen.
LAUGHTER
All right, what about Lee?
So, Lee, remind us of your...
This is Steve.
And he landed his helicopter
to tell me off after he saw me
shushing him whilst
he was in the sky.
Where were you? Yeah.
I was in a field in Surrey.
I was bird—watching.
You were bird—watching in a field
in Surrey? Were you there?
Can you describe your
immediate surroundings
as you were bird—watching?
Well, it was me.
It was my wife, my children.
They were around me. Were you sort
of hiding behind a hedge?
We were sort of crouching behind...
We, I think if I remember rightly,
I said, "Lo, is that a magpie?”
And so we ducked down. Oh, a
magpie? Because that's a rare spot.
That's worth the journey.
If you let me finish, David.
OK.
"Is that a magpie? If it is,
let's not bother. Wait..."
LAUGHTER
"Actually, I think
it's a woodpecker."
You saw a woodpecker?
Yes, I heard it first.
You heard it. Great.
KNOCKING
Can someone answer the door?
I'm looking at the cornicing.
When did you develop
this new interest?
Well, we had a birdbath
in the garden,
and I just got addicted,
that's the only word,
addicted to looking
at those little creatures.
Amazed. They're like mice with
wings, aren't they, small birds?
But with no tails.
Or ears. OK.
Or teeth.
Or legs.
Lee, it's been fascinating...
They're nothing like mice, are they?
Some birds have legs.
So far, you haven't mentioned how,
Steve, the pilot came into this.
We're ticking them off. That's what
you do when you're a twitcher,
you tick them off and then,
then I hear it.
ATTEMPTS TO MIMIC HELICOPTER
Him in his helicopter, isn't it?
He's only a policeman looking
for a criminal on the run.
Oh, really? That's why he's so low.
But then he stops.
He goes a bit lower.
Why does he go lower?
He sees a man hiding in the bush.
So I go...
Like that. Well, he's not happy.
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
Goes straight down like that.
He lands, like that.
What's in the field?
A helicopter now.
What was there before?
No helicopter. Just grass.
So how did he see you in a bush?
Because he is a policeman
and they have specialist equipment
to search for people.
Have you ever watched
a Channel 5 documentary?
Everything goes green.
LAUGHTER
But only at night. But they've got
a day setting, these machines.
So he spotted you and your family?
No, just spotted me at first.
Using a thermal camera. Your
children didn't show up on it?
No.
I said to them, I said,
"I told you to wear a coat."
So Steve gets out of the helicopter?
Yes. Approaches me.
And says what? He says...
HE MOUTHS
Said, "You'll have to turn it off
first, mate.
"I can't hear a word
you're saying."
OK. What does Steve say?
He said, "You toe rag."
LAUGHTER
Steve, honestly, this is not
how they should be treating,
may I say, national treasures.
LAUGHTER
And how does the conversation end?
I said... Oh, you want to go
straight to the end? "Bye."
I don't know, how long is it?
There was more conversation.
He said, "Listen,
we're on police duty here.
"We're looking for a major criminal,
OK? We had to swoop low."
The person in question,
David, had killed two people.
It's not funny now, is it?
LAUGHTER
All right, we need an answer.
So, is Steve Alice's
bickering buddy?
Bob's luckless loser?
Or Lee's furious flyer?
I don't think that helicopter pilots
notice people shushing.
No. Yeah. Also, Lee wouldn't
go bird—watching, as well.
But what about Bob? Bob,
he tripped over his own details.
If you're basing your decision
on my mistake over the flat,
I advise you strongly against that.
LAUGHTER
You can see what he's doing,
can't you?
Even though apparently
we've totally caught him out,
totally caught him out, and he
said it was someone else's flat
and the appendix was there.
Should be it - game, set and match.
But, oh, no.
LAUGHTER
What if he did that deliberately?
"Oh, my mistake. Yes, of course
it was Steve's flat. Oh, dear me."
Head in hands.
That's just luring me in.
Wasn't it?
Like when the Norman soldiers
pretended to run away
and the Saxons came off the hill.
And then they turned
and they cut them down.
I think, David, you should
actually sit this one out
because you are traumatised.
Thank you.
I will take a bit of a sabbatical.
Yeah.
We've ruled out, Lee. Mm—hm.
Now, you two decide
between the other two.
I like the way you did that.
It's completely up to you
two, but not Lee.
Yeah.
If you're on holiday, are you going
to be having an argument
for two hours over a courgette?
Academics.
That's the kind of thing they argue
about, you know. That's true.
That is like proper, full-on
banter to them. Yeah, that is true.
So, David, I can...
Rest assured it is Alice.
I think it's the courgette.
I can rest assured?
Yeah. Yeah.
BOB: David...
He's worrying me again.
MUNYA: Listen, listen.
Oh, I don't know...
CROSSTALK
He's affecting her now!
It's actually Bob!
It's you, Bob. It's Bob.
OK. It's time to decide.
Well.. I mean...
HE SIGHS, LAUGHTER
OK. I think this could break him.
I do think Steve looks like someone
who could have a 177—-year row
about the genetic make—up
of a vegetable.
So you're going to say it's Alice?
That's what I'm going to say.
Yeah, we're going with Alice... Ooh!
Steve, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Steve,
and Alice and I have been
arguing about courgettes...
APPLAUSE
..for 17 years.
Yes, Steve is Alice's
bickering buddy.
Thank you very much, Steve.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Bob.
Oh, mother of God, no!
LAUGHTER
I recently had to pull out of
a TV show because my teeth fell out.
LAUGHTER
David's team?
What was the TV show?
Sunday Brunch.
And why had your teeth fallen out?
Because I had bit on
a KitKat Chunky.
LAUGHTER
OK.
I may need you to take...
I'll take the reins.
...lead counsel on this.
OK, so, Bob, for many years,
a KitKat Chunky
was my favourite chocolate
because of the lack of suction.
Now, you bite into a Curly Wurly,
you ain't never getting
those teeth back, right?
But... When you say the lack
of suction... Mm—hm?
...what in God's name do you mean?
What I'm saying here, if
you bite into a Curly Wurly,
it engulfs your tooth
and it ain't letting go.
But it's not suction, is it?
It IS suction because
it creates a vacuum of ooze.
I am on Munya's side about
the word suction in this instance.
Thank you... Oh, on his side?
Yeah, he's Munya,
you're Rob. Remember?
Why are you on his side?!
Because it is a sort of suction.
It sticks, and as it pulls, it...
Well, it creates a vacuum of ooze.
That's it.
LAUGHTER
DAVID: Right. So what happened?
What befell your teeth?
I keep my KitKat Chunkys
in the fridge, so it was very hard,
so it's like biting into a rock.
And I lost...
But not the freezer, though.
Just the fridge.
It's... Do you know what?
It's a fridge drawer.
Oh, one of those drawers
that are refrigerated?
Yeah. Oh, very fancy!
Oh, what a purchase, yes!
What's the context under which
you're eating this?
Is it relaxed?
I wasn't thinking about
anything in particular.
Maybe the band ELO?
Which period of ELO's career
would you have been dwelling on?
The early period, before
they met in Birmingham.
Before they met?
Yeah, before they met.
So they weren't even a band? No.
IN ACCENT: "What are you going to do
with your life?"
"I don't know,
maybe make stock cubes."
"Maybe we should start a band!"
LAUGHTER
But you said you were on Sunday
Brunch. Or did I imagine that?
No, I had to cancel my...
Oh, you cancelled Sunday Brunch.
I lost...every one.
What?! What?!
You bit into it with abandon... Yes.
...and you lost, what,
four top teeth?
Nine. Nine?!
LAUGHTER
Nine?
All... All along the top?
You take one bite from...
One bite. And that's it -
nine teeth are toast?
No, no, no, no. Yes!
It can't be. It can't be.
The girth of a KitKat Chunky
is not nine teeth.
Yeah. I mean, I couldn't have
put it better.
It's only going to take four,
five maximum.
If it was three teeth, would
you believe it? In which case...
LEE: It's too late to change
your mind, Bob!
Yes, I would. I would.
you'd believe it was three?
Yes. You want to think around that?
Why?
Because it might help you to decide
whether it's true or false.
No, no, no, no...
LAUGHTER
The mind games!
OK, David, it's time to decide.
Truth or lie?
What do you think? OK,
I did think it was a truth,
just because of everything
that's happened... Yeah, yeah.
...but now I think the...
The amount of teeth.
Yeah, but here's the thing, right?
Imagine it's a lie.
I'm going to bring you down
to my hell,
but why would he go for nine?
Wouldn't he go for a more believable
number if he was making it up?
That's true. He would've gone for...
Why would he say nine
unless it's true?
LAUGHTER
I can see through Bob.
And I know this is a lie.
It's up to you,
but I'm telling the truth.
What do you think? It's a truth.
You think it's true?
You think it's lie? Yeah,
but it doesn't say nine teeth
on the card, it just says teeth.
It just says teeth. He could...
He could be trying to be like...
David, it's just a game.
LAUGHTER
I think it's true.
No, David... No, I don't,
I think it's a lie!
It's a lie? It's a lie!
You think it's a lie?
We're going lie. I don't know
what I think. AU right...
Bob, they think it's a lie.
Was it a lie or were you
telling the truth?
I was telling...
...the truth.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Now, Bob did have to pull out
of Sunday Brunch
when his teeth fell out - and we've
got a picture. Take a look at this.
LAUGHTER
SNOOCHIE: Oh, wow!
KLAXON
Oh, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have one point
and Lee's team have three.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You,
the show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an award winning comic famed
for his viral videos,
it's Munya Chawawa.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Radio 1Xtra DJ and I'm A
Celebrity star, Snoochie Shy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
academic and presenter
of Digging For Britain,
Professor Alice Roberts.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And he's back
to torment David again,
it's the legendary Bob Mortimer.
ECSTATIC CHEERING
We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Snoochie, you're up first.
OK, cool.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Because I assumed it was my
mate making a prank call,
I put the phone down
twice on Stevie Wonder.
Oh, Lee's team.
Wow. When was this?
It was two years ago,
actually, March the 15th.
Same day as Julius Caesar
was assassinated.
LAUGHTER
Do let me know if this man's
annoying you.
LAUGHTER
I mean, had he dialled
the wrong number?
And let's be honest,
it could happen.
No, he hadn't, actually. He hadn't.
LAUGHTER
He actually got my number
from my mum.
OK. Because they met each other.
So my mum used to work
at this rooftop company
called Dalston Roof park.
Right. What's this roof park?
It's a roof park
and it's in Dalston.
No, that's the same...
LAUGHTER
That's definitely just the same
words in a different order, that.
What I want is an explanation
of what a roof park is.
Basically, it's like you go
into the building, then you go
to the roof and there's a park.
You said it again!
No, no!
LAUGHTER
OK, wait. There's only
a park in the back bit.
When you go up over there,
the rave is popping,
you've got the bar area.
You've got the DJ decks
over there as well,
performances are happening.
And my mum's, like,
the event organiser.
OK, so he's gone to the roof part
and he's met your mum.
How's that worked out? They
was having a conversation, yeah.
So they swapped number. They both
had now each other's numbers. Yeah.
They've got each other's numbers,
but I didn't know this at the time.
No, of course. I wasn't talking
to my mum, because at that point
I moved out of the house. Right.
She was upset about that because
I took the cat with me. Yeah.
It was technically my cat
because I did choose the cat.
She then stopped speaking to me. Do
you know what? I actually don't want
to hear anything about Stevie
Wonder. Tell me about your cat.
So my best friend
Jamal is a singer
and he likes to do
impressions as well.
So, Stevie, who I thought was Jamal,
called me up.
It starts off with a piano.
I was just hearing... But obviously
better... Was it not plugged in?
What was the song? I can't remember
the song. Wow, Stevie Wonder's
rung you up and you can't remember
the song. No, but you know what?
I've got to be honest, like, I just
like rap music, so I didn't...
Do you know what I mean? So did you
say, "Stop singing but talk it?"
No, I like the singer, I like,
I like the song.
The song was great. And you've just
gone, "Yeah, whatevs, Jamal." Yeah.
And hung up the phone.
MUNYA: Snoochie,
when he first called you,
that must have been quite,
you know, quite freaky.
Or Very Superstitious!
I was going to say that, Lee!
LAUGHTER
Is that where that was leading?
I'm so sorry.
Munya, you have to remember with
Lee, he's very much Mr Know—-It—All
OK, I hate... Hey.
It's one of his songs. Oh, right.
So your mum has put him up to this?
Yeah.
Wait? Your mum put you up for this?
Isn't She Lovely?
No, not...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
SNOOCHIE HUMS "ISN'T SHE LOVELY"
Say what you like about Munya,
he doesn't give up.
Is that another one? No! Oh, right.
LAUGHTER
All of this is like that for me.
LAUGHTER
OK. Now, he phones back.
Phones back. Yeah.
IMPERSONATES STEVIE WONDER:
"Girl, it's Stevie Wonder, man.
"I met your mom in Dalston Roof park.
We had a great night.”
That's what's going on. Bit much.
"Hi, I'm Stevie Wonder and I had
a great night with your mother."
LAUGHTER
After I'd hung up twice,
Steve actually FaceTimed me.
Did you apologise, Snoochie,
to Stevie at any point?
Obviously, when I got
the Face Time, I was screaming.
I did say like, "Oh, my God,
sorry about that."
But, yeah. And then I did ask like,
"If I do eventually get married
in the future, will you perform?”
He did decline that.
LAUGHTER
All right. So, Bob,
what are you thinking?
I've got a feeling
that this did happen,
but it wasn't Stevie Wonder.
It was Stevie Nicks.
LAUGHTER
Really? Yeah.
So you think it's based on truth...
Yeah. ..but this is a lie? Yeah.
Well, so you say it's a lie.
You're saying...?
90, 80% a lie. 80% a lie.
No, I think it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK. Snoochie, was it a lie
or was it the truth?
It was...
A lie. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Snoochie didn't put the phone down
on Stevie Wonder.
Munya, you're next.
OK.
As a child, I struck up a friendship
with the nine men
who lived in my garden.
CHUCKLING
Lee's team.
Who were the nine men
that lived in your garden?
So they were gardeners.
Which sounds weird, but in Zimbabwe,
for your gardeners to live
in your garden, it's not a big deal
because there's so much
space for them.
So how big was this garden?
It was huge. I mean, in acreage.
What? 40 acres? Is that a lot?
Is it a lot?
At the time I was a child,
so I was interested in things
like Pokemon, not acreage.
I was interested in acreage.
LAUGHTER
If they lived there,
at what point did they become
not gardeners but tenants?
LAUGHTER
So they provided services, right?
So, gardening, erm...
LAUGHTER
They were singing gardeners.
They were what?
They discovered they had
a talent for harmonising.
Right. So they would sing
whilst gardening.
What were their names? Yes.
OK, listen...
If you say Dopey and Sneezy, etc,
you're going to run out.
LAUGHTER
OK. One of them was called Clever.
One of them was called Blessing.
I can't remember the others.
But what I do remember is, my dad...
I'm his only son,
so I'm his pride and joy, OK?
This man would do anything...
Well, you're his only son. OK.
I knew that he would rely on me
to give him the word on the ground
as to which gardeners should we get
rid of. It's a lot of people to pay.
Ah! So he basically only wanted
a couple, but he thought,
start with nine, get it down to two,
and they're the full-time gardeners.
How old are you at this time?
Like, erm, maybe eight, nine.
So did you whittle it down to
two gardeners for your dad?
Eventually whittled it down to one.
To one.
Because one day I had a catapult
and I...
One of the gardeners
was reading the Bible.
I took a fruit, I took a, it
was like a cherry but orange.
An orange? No, it was...
LAUGHTER
It was as small as a cherry.
Ah, right. Tangerine.
LAUGHTER
Let me land.
ALICE: A kumquat.
A kumquat! So I shot the kumquat
and it hits him
at the back of the head.
And he then went to my dad and said,
"Look, this is what your son
has done to me."
So eventually we ended up with one
and his name was Blessing.
So turned out to be the complete
right end to it.
Do anything to him? Hit him with a
rounders bat, didn't mind. Yeah.
And you said they sung,
they could harmonise.
Until eight of them got fired.
And then it was Blessing
singing on his own.
Covered in bruises.
LAUGHTER
What are you thinking, Alice?
I didn't believe it.
That seemed like a very,
very ornate tissue of lies to me.
What about you, Bob?
You wielded a lot of power as an
eight—year—old. He did, didn't he?
Weapons testing on your staff.
I mean, he doesn't come out of it
well, does he?
LAUGHTER
But I changed. I'm a changed man.
All right. What's it going to be?
I say true.
We'll say it's true.
You're going to say that it's true.
OK, Munya, was it true
or was it a lie?
Well, it was indeed...
True.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this
week's special guest, Steve.
APPLAUSE
So, Alice, what is Steve to you?
This is Steve,
and for over 17 years
we have been having an argument
about a courgette.
Bob, how do you know Steve?
This is Steve, and I won his
appendix off him in a bet.
LAUGHTER
And finally, Lee,
your relationship with Steve.
This is Steve. He landed his
helicopter to tell me off
because he saw me shushing him
whilst he was in the sky.
LAUGHTER
All right, there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?
Erm, this courgette row, Alice.
What's it about?
It's, it's about a nuance
of horticulture,
which is essentially,
is a courgette,
a small version of a marrow?
Or could they possibly be
two separate species?
And how long has this argument
been going on for? 17 years.
So when did this argument
first start popping off?
17 years ago.
LAUGHTER
OK, give me the context.
DAVID: How did you know each other?
We'd known each other for a while
because Steve was going out
with one of my friends. OK.
We were on holiday together,
and this argument
just sort of took over everything.
Was alcohol involved?
Might have been.
It's easier to have long
arguments about things
that don't really matter
if you're drunk.
We've done 16 series of this!
Yes. No. Also, it's also easier
if you're paid.
LAUGHTER
Which side of it are you on?
What is your belief?
Originally, I was pretty
sure that a marrow
was just a large courgette.
But don't you work with bones?
I work with archaeological
human remains.
So surely you'd know more
about bone marrows, no?
AUDIENCE GROANS
I'm... I'm sorry.
I don't know what they want,
if not that.
LAUGHTER
If the courgette becomes
a marrow, which I was always
led to believe, when does it become
a marrow? When is it a courgette?
There must be a perfect time
when it's half and half.
There must be
but you never see it.
You see, that is
what the billionaires eat.
There's only a millisecond
when it lies between the two.
And you have to have people watching
all night ready to freeze it
at the point, and then
they will dine for hours,
and they call it marguette!
LAUGHTER
How can a disagreement of
this nature become heated?
Yes. What is there to say?
That is very marrow minded.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But then you keep on arguing
about the colour,
the morphology,
the shape of the fruit.
Maybe I'm missing the point here.
Can you not just
look it up in a book?
LAUGHTER
It's a very fair question.
I didn't have a smartphone in 2005.
But since then, you've probably
purchased one at some point.
Why didn't you look it up?
Because it doesn't seem like
the sort of thing which is, um,
is important!
LAUGHTER
Who would you like to quiz next?
Bob... Bob, just remind us
of your statement.
This is Steve, who I won
his appendix from him
in a bet. Right.
So go on, do it to me.
LAUGHTER
I'm not willing to give
you any information
unless you ask for it.
You're making me ask.
You're making me come to you
cap in hand. Yes.
And say, "Fill this
with your nonsense.
"Fill this with whatever
corrupted balderdash
"comes out of you,
and then I will put it on my head."
LAUGHTER
And set fire to it!
APPLAUSE
No.
So how do you know him?
We were both members of what's
called the Middlesbrough Supporters
South Club, and we watch the
occasional football matches
together, as Middlesbrough
supporters in London.
So you'd go to a pub and watch...?
Yeah, usually the same pub,
the Wheatsheaf in Borough.
That sounds plausible as a pub.
I bet that exists.
Can we just stay with that?
OK, and one day you're there
watching the...
Is this when the bet is, is...?
Funnily enough, no.
LAUGHTER
The match had finished.
We stayed around for a booze and me,
Steve and a couple of the other lads
we went back to, not Steve's house,
but one of our fellow Middlesbrough
supporters who lives in Lant Street,
just beyond the Wheatsheaf.
How does the bet come about?
We played darts. Oh, right?
We played darts.
It's always nice to leave the pub,
go home and play darts.
Yeah? And then my, the duvet
was a great big bar towel.
Just...
Do they still have bar towels?
They're more like metal grids now.
They've gridded them up. They've
gridded them up and raised them.
So it's, it's all preparing
for A1 to take over. Al, sorry.
All
LAUGHTER
Did you think that film
with Will Smith was called A1?
LAUGHTER
So, Bob, I have had
my appendix removed. Me too.
And the only reason I knew I needed
it removed is because, suddenly,
in a fit of pain,
it started to proper bubble up.
So how can Steve now
bet his appendix
unless it's the day
that it starts throbbing?
He had it out as a child and it was
in a jar with a little red top.
And they come out red but over
the years it had turned yellow
and I thought that was
a very nice transition.
LAUGHTER
Red to yellow.
When it finally goes green,
you're allowed to go, aren't you?
How does the bet come about?
The bet comes about because I won,
and I think it was quite a lot
of money, 50 quid or whatever.
Steve wanted a final game.
I didn't want a game, so I demanded
if 1 win, I take your appendix.
Right. It's on the shelf
with some wisdom teeth.
But why is his appendix there?
Pfft! Ask Steve.
As you well know,
I'm not allowed to ask Steve.
But you're not in Steve's flat,
are you?
No. You've come to this flat
straight from the bar.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, I realise... Finally!
No, I realise that. Yes. Yes.
He just brought it with him
to the game.
Oh, did I say it wasn't Steve's
flat? Yes, you did say it wasn't.
No, no, it was Steve's flat
in Lant Street. I do apologise.
You definitely said
it wasn't Steve's flat.
Well, then I'm a fool
and I'm ashamed.
He's trying to weigh up
the odds here.
Did I accidentally
say the wrong name,
or did he bring all bits
of his body to the game
and put them on the mantelpiece?
And he's very wisely gone
for the wrong name.
It was Steve's flat. Yes.
Suddenly.
LAUGHTER
And so the various body parts
are on the shelf already,
and you win both his wisdom
teeth and his appendix.
Just the appendix.
Oh, you left the teeth?
Yeah, I didn't fancy them
at all. Right.
Oh, I had my wisdom teeth
out the other day.
Did you? The other day? You probably
did that yourself in the kitchen.
LAUGHTER
All right, what about Lee?
So, Lee, remind us of your...
This is Steve.
And he landed his helicopter
to tell me off after he saw me
shushing him whilst
he was in the sky.
Where were you? Yeah.
I was in a field in Surrey.
I was bird—watching.
You were bird—watching in a field
in Surrey? Were you there?
Can you describe your
immediate surroundings
as you were bird—watching?
Well, it was me.
It was my wife, my children.
They were around me. Were you sort
of hiding behind a hedge?
We were sort of crouching behind...
We, I think if I remember rightly,
I said, "Lo, is that a magpie?”
And so we ducked down. Oh, a
magpie? Because that's a rare spot.
That's worth the journey.
If you let me finish, David.
OK.
"Is that a magpie? If it is,
let's not bother. Wait..."
LAUGHTER
"Actually, I think
it's a woodpecker."
You saw a woodpecker?
Yes, I heard it first.
You heard it. Great.
KNOCKING
Can someone answer the door?
I'm looking at the cornicing.
When did you develop
this new interest?
Well, we had a birdbath
in the garden,
and I just got addicted,
that's the only word,
addicted to looking
at those little creatures.
Amazed. They're like mice with
wings, aren't they, small birds?
But with no tails.
Or ears. OK.
Or teeth.
Or legs.
Lee, it's been fascinating...
They're nothing like mice, are they?
Some birds have legs.
So far, you haven't mentioned how,
Steve, the pilot came into this.
We're ticking them off. That's what
you do when you're a twitcher,
you tick them off and then,
then I hear it.
ATTEMPTS TO MIMIC HELICOPTER
Him in his helicopter, isn't it?
He's only a policeman looking
for a criminal on the run.
Oh, really? That's why he's so low.
But then he stops.
He goes a bit lower.
Why does he go lower?
He sees a man hiding in the bush.
So I go...
Like that. Well, he's not happy.
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
Goes straight down like that.
He lands, like that.
What's in the field?
A helicopter now.
What was there before?
No helicopter. Just grass.
So how did he see you in a bush?
Because he is a policeman
and they have specialist equipment
to search for people.
Have you ever watched
a Channel 5 documentary?
Everything goes green.
LAUGHTER
But only at night. But they've got
a day setting, these machines.
So he spotted you and your family?
No, just spotted me at first.
Using a thermal camera. Your
children didn't show up on it?
No.
I said to them, I said,
"I told you to wear a coat."
So Steve gets out of the helicopter?
Yes. Approaches me.
And says what? He says...
HE MOUTHS
Said, "You'll have to turn it off
first, mate.
"I can't hear a word
you're saying."
OK. What does Steve say?
He said, "You toe rag."
LAUGHTER
Steve, honestly, this is not
how they should be treating,
may I say, national treasures.
LAUGHTER
And how does the conversation end?
I said... Oh, you want to go
straight to the end? "Bye."
I don't know, how long is it?
There was more conversation.
He said, "Listen,
we're on police duty here.
"We're looking for a major criminal,
OK? We had to swoop low."
The person in question,
David, had killed two people.
It's not funny now, is it?
LAUGHTER
All right, we need an answer.
So, is Steve Alice's
bickering buddy?
Bob's luckless loser?
Or Lee's furious flyer?
I don't think that helicopter pilots
notice people shushing.
No. Yeah. Also, Lee wouldn't
go bird—watching, as well.
But what about Bob? Bob,
he tripped over his own details.
If you're basing your decision
on my mistake over the flat,
I advise you strongly against that.
LAUGHTER
You can see what he's doing,
can't you?
Even though apparently
we've totally caught him out,
totally caught him out, and he
said it was someone else's flat
and the appendix was there.
Should be it - game, set and match.
But, oh, no.
LAUGHTER
What if he did that deliberately?
"Oh, my mistake. Yes, of course
it was Steve's flat. Oh, dear me."
Head in hands.
That's just luring me in.
Wasn't it?
Like when the Norman soldiers
pretended to run away
and the Saxons came off the hill.
And then they turned
and they cut them down.
I think, David, you should
actually sit this one out
because you are traumatised.
Thank you.
I will take a bit of a sabbatical.
Yeah.
We've ruled out, Lee. Mm—hm.
Now, you two decide
between the other two.
I like the way you did that.
It's completely up to you
two, but not Lee.
Yeah.
If you're on holiday, are you going
to be having an argument
for two hours over a courgette?
Academics.
That's the kind of thing they argue
about, you know. That's true.
That is like proper, full-on
banter to them. Yeah, that is true.
So, David, I can...
Rest assured it is Alice.
I think it's the courgette.
I can rest assured?
Yeah. Yeah.
BOB: David...
He's worrying me again.
MUNYA: Listen, listen.
Oh, I don't know...
CROSSTALK
He's affecting her now!
It's actually Bob!
It's you, Bob. It's Bob.
OK. It's time to decide.
Well.. I mean...
HE SIGHS, LAUGHTER
OK. I think this could break him.
I do think Steve looks like someone
who could have a 177—-year row
about the genetic make—up
of a vegetable.
So you're going to say it's Alice?
That's what I'm going to say.
Yeah, we're going with Alice... Ooh!
Steve, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Steve,
and Alice and I have been
arguing about courgettes...
APPLAUSE
..for 17 years.
Yes, Steve is Alice's
bickering buddy.
Thank you very much, Steve.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Bob.
Oh, mother of God, no!
LAUGHTER
I recently had to pull out of
a TV show because my teeth fell out.
LAUGHTER
David's team?
What was the TV show?
Sunday Brunch.
And why had your teeth fallen out?
Because I had bit on
a KitKat Chunky.
LAUGHTER
OK.
I may need you to take...
I'll take the reins.
...lead counsel on this.
OK, so, Bob, for many years,
a KitKat Chunky
was my favourite chocolate
because of the lack of suction.
Now, you bite into a Curly Wurly,
you ain't never getting
those teeth back, right?
But... When you say the lack
of suction... Mm—hm?
...what in God's name do you mean?
What I'm saying here, if
you bite into a Curly Wurly,
it engulfs your tooth
and it ain't letting go.
But it's not suction, is it?
It IS suction because
it creates a vacuum of ooze.
I am on Munya's side about
the word suction in this instance.
Thank you... Oh, on his side?
Yeah, he's Munya,
you're Rob. Remember?
Why are you on his side?!
Because it is a sort of suction.
It sticks, and as it pulls, it...
Well, it creates a vacuum of ooze.
That's it.
LAUGHTER
DAVID: Right. So what happened?
What befell your teeth?
I keep my KitKat Chunkys
in the fridge, so it was very hard,
so it's like biting into a rock.
And I lost...
But not the freezer, though.
Just the fridge.
It's... Do you know what?
It's a fridge drawer.
Oh, one of those drawers
that are refrigerated?
Yeah. Oh, very fancy!
Oh, what a purchase, yes!
What's the context under which
you're eating this?
Is it relaxed?
I wasn't thinking about
anything in particular.
Maybe the band ELO?
Which period of ELO's career
would you have been dwelling on?
The early period, before
they met in Birmingham.
Before they met?
Yeah, before they met.
So they weren't even a band? No.
IN ACCENT: "What are you going to do
with your life?"
"I don't know,
maybe make stock cubes."
"Maybe we should start a band!"
LAUGHTER
But you said you were on Sunday
Brunch. Or did I imagine that?
No, I had to cancel my...
Oh, you cancelled Sunday Brunch.
I lost...every one.
What?! What?!
You bit into it with abandon... Yes.
...and you lost, what,
four top teeth?
Nine. Nine?!
LAUGHTER
Nine?
All... All along the top?
You take one bite from...
One bite. And that's it -
nine teeth are toast?
No, no, no, no. Yes!
It can't be. It can't be.
The girth of a KitKat Chunky
is not nine teeth.
Yeah. I mean, I couldn't have
put it better.
It's only going to take four,
five maximum.
If it was three teeth, would
you believe it? In which case...
LEE: It's too late to change
your mind, Bob!
Yes, I would. I would.
you'd believe it was three?
Yes. You want to think around that?
Why?
Because it might help you to decide
whether it's true or false.
No, no, no, no...
LAUGHTER
The mind games!
OK, David, it's time to decide.
Truth or lie?
What do you think? OK,
I did think it was a truth,
just because of everything
that's happened... Yeah, yeah.
...but now I think the...
The amount of teeth.
Yeah, but here's the thing, right?
Imagine it's a lie.
I'm going to bring you down
to my hell,
but why would he go for nine?
Wouldn't he go for a more believable
number if he was making it up?
That's true. He would've gone for...
Why would he say nine
unless it's true?
LAUGHTER
I can see through Bob.
And I know this is a lie.
It's up to you,
but I'm telling the truth.
What do you think? It's a truth.
You think it's true?
You think it's lie? Yeah,
but it doesn't say nine teeth
on the card, it just says teeth.
It just says teeth. He could...
He could be trying to be like...
David, it's just a game.
LAUGHTER
I think it's true.
No, David... No, I don't,
I think it's a lie!
It's a lie? It's a lie!
You think it's a lie?
We're going lie. I don't know
what I think. AU right...
Bob, they think it's a lie.
Was it a lie or were you
telling the truth?
I was telling...
...the truth.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Now, Bob did have to pull out
of Sunday Brunch
when his teeth fell out - and we've
got a picture. Take a look at this.
LAUGHTER
SNOOCHIE: Oh, wow!
KLAXON
Oh, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have one point
and Lee's team have three.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.