Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 5 - Episode #16.5 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",
the show where dishonesty
is sometimes the best policy.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian making his WILTY debut -
it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And she's just blown in
from the BBC weather studio -
it's forecaster Lucy Martin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a journalist
and host of the Today programme,
Amol Raj an.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
And a comedy legend, back for an
extra slice of WILTY, it's Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll be
faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction,
and Jo Brand is first tonight.
After a misunderstanding,
I once became a chauffeur
for one of the Jackson 5.
LAUGHTER
David Mitchell.
Which one of the Jackson 5?
Jermaine.
Oh, that's a shame.
So, er, why were you
accidentally a chauffeur?
Well, I was at an event, er, there
were lots of celebrities there,
it was at a huge venue
in Leicester Square.
I was with my best friend's husband,
cos he...
Ooh, that's very broad-minded!
You're at the event.
What's the misunderstanding?
Well, this very flustered sort
of PR type came up to me and said,
"Oh, I've got a terrible dilemma.
"One of my clients' car isn't here.
And... Do YOU have a car?"
And I said, "Yes, I do."
And, um, she said, "Could you
possibly drop my client off
"on your way home?"
But when I said to her,
"Yes, I do have a car,"
she thought I meant
a chauffeur-driven car, but...
...I had my own car
round the corner.
So I said, "Well, I'U0 just go
and get it and sort it,"
and...
And what sort of car did you bring?
It was, um, it was a Saab.
That's a nice car, a Saab.
Yeah. Saabs are nice.
It's not the sort of car
you'd expect to be sort of
sent for a pop star
to be driven away in, though. No.
So it's good -
it's visually incongruous,
but still a quality piece
of Swedish engineering.
Which is exactly
what I said to Jermaine.
So you pull up outside,
and out comes Jermaine Jackson.
With his wife. Yes.
Oh, right. So now this is
quite cramped for a Saab.
What state was your car in?
I mean...
Not good.
Bird faeces on the windscreen.
And, er, just like a mess inside.
Really? And how did he react
when he got in?
Oh, he did...
He was very kind of polite.
It was a bit like taking a child
to nursery in many ways.
In what way?
Well, he just seemed,
he just seemed to be going...
So how dirty was your car?!
And, um,
there were lots of paps around,
so there were, like,
three paps on the bonnet of my car.
No! There were, like, trying to,
obviously not get my best friend's
friend Roland's picture.
So in the papers the next day,
"Who is who is the mystery man
with Jo Brand
"and Mr and Mrs Jermaine Jackson?"
Just while we're here, very quickly,
one of the dads from my daughter's
primary school,
he came out of a restaurant
at the same time as Barry Manilow
a few years ago, and they were
papped, and his picture
went all the way round the world
as Barry Manilow's new husband.
It was so brilliant.
APPLAUSE
What are you thinking, Lucy?
Does this strike you as true?
I'm going to go lie.
Why? There are a few elements.
Driving to Leicester Square -
one of them.
That's a very good point. Who
the heck drives to Leicester Square?
Yes, well,
I had a question about that.
Where were you parked? Yes.
LEE: It's always about the admin
with David.
If this is true, she's been telling
this anecdote for years,
and no-one's ever gone,
"But where did you park?"
That's because previously,
she wasn't in a context where
people were going to go,
"I think you're lying,"
they were just happy to enjoy
the anecdote, whereas the situation
I've been put in is I have to decide
whether or not it's true,
which means I have to break social
convention to a certain extent,
be more sceptical about the anecdote
than I would be at, say, a party.
So, Jo, I ASK you AGAIN...
...on the occasion when you picked up
Jermaine Jackson from a large
venue in Leicester Square, where did
you go to fetch your car from?
You must remember that walk.
You're leaving the event,
you're going with your friend's
husband...
Do you know what, David? I disagree.
I think, if you were at a party,
you WOULD talk like this.
APPLAUSE
well, I...
I've never been invited to a party,
so I don't know.
You must remember
where it was parked.
Well, I don't. Argh!
So what do you think, then, Joe,
is this true?
No, I think it's nonsense.
You think it's a lie?
Yeah. I don't, just for...
Lucy thinks it's a lie.
OK, we'll go lie. We'll go lie.
You're saying it's a lie? Yes.
OK. Jo, truth or lie?
It is...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It's true, Jo did once give a lift
to Jermaine Jackson.
Joe Wilkinson, you're next.
LEE: That's good.
"I once gave a lift
to the Guildford Four."
LAUGHTER
Well, Joe is sporting a very
sort of open-prison look tonight.
Um, I once shared a tent in Kent
with Susie Dent.
Lee's team.
Where did you first
get to know Susie?
On Countdown.
LEE: Which is true.
She's on Countdown.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's quite
a lot of TV shows around,
aren't there, where people off
the telly go and camp somewhere?
Yeah, yeah. You know,
it's not out of the question.
Not out of the que...
I know for a fact he's been very
smiley in Filey with Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE
JO: Was it just you and Susie?
In the tent, yeah.
Why did this come about?
Er, well, it was a telev... Well,
for a pilot that never made it.
Oh, a TV show?
Yeah, that never made it.
What was the show called?
Tents In Kent.
Quick qu... Is Camber Sands in Kent?
No. It's in Sussex.
Well, they got it wrong, then.
What was going to be
the interesting,
appealing television that was
going to come out of it?
I was going to get paid £7,000.
Yeah, but, crucially,
that's not enough to make someone
tune into a TV programme, amazingly.
No, I wasn't really worried
about that bit.
What was the show called?
We had to do this task.
I remember we had 24 hours in it...
Yeah.
...and then we had to complete a task
in 24 hours.
What was the task?
It was like a political campaign
that we had to run in 24 hours.
I was running
for Mayor of Whitstable.
Did you have to represent a party?
Yes. What was the party?
God, a lot of questions,
aren't there?
DAVID: That will happen, and it's...
It's quite draining, isn't it?
But also, can I just point out
that Whitstable is North Kent
and Camber Sands is about
40 miles away in Sussex?
Ah! No, it's, it's exactly
40 minutes in a car.
Going at 60mph.
The reason it...
LEE: Hang on, hang on.
We, we didn't... Just stop!
I will not stop!
I want a recap before we carry on.
So you're doing a political campaign
in 24 hours
to become Mayor of Whitstable,
but you're staying in Camber,
which is a completely different
county, and, for no reason
so far that you've explained,
you stay in a tent!
What's that got to do with running
a campaign for mayor?
Right, well, I guess they couldn't
find a yurt near Whitstable,
and I don't blame them for that!
I don't know why I'm getting cross.
Sorry.
But what does it say about
your campaigning skills
that you ended up in a tent
with Susie Dent?
Things went well.
Why did it never get made into TV?
Because they watched it back.
APPLAUSE
That was the...
What do we think?
Jo, what are you thinking?
Oh, I really want to believe it,
but I just don't.
Oh, fair enough.
I could've believed you were
in a tent with Susie in Kent,
but I think the whole political
campaign thing's just a distraction.
All right, what's it going to be?
We're going to say it's a lie,
are we? It's a lie, isn't it?
I think so, yeah.
We think it's a lie.
OK, you think it's a lie.
Joe, were you telling a lie or were
you actually telling the truth?
It was...
...a lie. Hooray!
APPLAUSE
I believed you.
Yes, it's a lie, Joe didn't share
a tent in Kent with Susie Dent.
Amol, You're next.
I used to star in an agony aunt's
photo casebook,
playing a series of inadequate men.
David's team.
An agony... Describe that, a what?
An agony aunt's...? What?
You remember newspapers?
Yeah, vaguely, yeah.
And certain newspapers would have
these sort of comic strip things...
Yeah. ..where agony aunts
play out scenarios.
Did you have your top off?
Do you know? I think...
Well, it was a series of different
issues that I was confronting.
Did you ever have your top off?
Um...
Do you want him to take his top off?
I'd love you to take your top off.
um...
SOLITARY WHOOP
Er, I'm not... No.
I'm glad I got ONE whoop.
LAUGHTER
I think that might've been a vomit.
So you were photographed
to play out the dysfunctional
scenario that the agony aunt
was addressing?
And I'm glad you said "dysfunction”
because one of the subjects
was impotence.
Can you remember
what the tableaux were?
Er, I think it would usually involve
a kind of, um, relationship,
where, um, I would be pictured,
often with someone
who is out of my league,
and I'd sort of have real questions
and self-doubt,
and there'd be a little
thought bubble that said,
"I just can't make it happen.”
Yes. I mean, I'm looking now
at the panel, and I'm thinking,
"What a lovely opportunity
to recreate,”
because Lee is a hell of an actor.
If you've ever seen him act,
put that to one side,
and take it from me -
he is a hell of an actor.
I'd be perfect for this, cos my
acting's been described as "stiff".
APPLAUSE
So what if we imagined... Yeah.
...there's a problem, he's your wife,
there's a problem in the
relationship, and you've got to
find a pose now that could be a
still that would convey this for us.
OK, um, I think you'd be trying
to sort of show me affection
and romance,
and I'd be sort of going...
Then the middle bit is this.
And I'd be like... That's help.
Yeah. And then how is it resolved?
And then it'd be resolved with,
er...
I think that's very good.
APPLAUSE
It was really to sort of bring
alive scenarios
that people could relate to.
What was the publication?
Um, it was actually
for a TV programme.
Which TV show?
It was called The Wright Stuff.
OK, what do you think, Joe?
Does it strike you as true?
Yeah. It really does.
Cos it's like,
who would make that up?
But I'm not even clear
what's BEEN made up.
Do you not read the Mirror?
Are you unfamiliar with
this kind of, er...?
Yes, I am.
You know, a photo, as it were
comic strip, telling a story,
I can imagine that.
But that's in a newspaper. Yeah.
Not a television programme. Right.
But what about the opening credits
of Grange Hill?
Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
That was a comic strip film.
It was, yes...
And unlike that one,
this one didn't have a big sausage.
I didn't believe it
until you stood up,
and then it looked like
you knew what you were doing.
Ah, it's got to be true.
OK. We're going to go true.
Saying true? Yep.
Amol, truth or lie?
Well, the trouble is...
...it's true.
Yes, it's true, Amol really did star
in an agony aunt's photo casebook,
and of course, we have the proof.
Take a look at this.
Here's the first one.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, another satisfied customer...
You didn't tell me
you were going to pull these out,
hang on a second.
She says, "In your dreams.
I love him
"but he's just not pushing
the right buttons.”
"What do you mean?
"I thought that was incredible!"
"Have you been faking it?"
That's beautiful. That's beautiful.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Lee.
APPLAUSE
So, Joe, what is Lee to you?
Er, this is Lee. We once managed
to run ourselves over.
Right. Lucy, how do you know Lee?
This is Lee.
He walked behind me
during a live weather forecast
and fell down a big hole.
OK, and finally, David,
what is your relationship with Lee?
Er, this is Lee,
and he's the hotel receptionist who
confirmed my suspicion that another
guest had indeed stolen my toast.
So there we have it.
Lee, where will you start?
We'll start with Joe.
Um, when did this happen?
Er, probably about 30 years ago.
30? Yeah. Do you mind me asking
how old you are now?
Yep.
Er, 47.
Cor, he looks good, don't he?!
Yeah. And is he the same age?
Yeah. Were you driving a car?
We were driving a truck.
Did you have a licence
to drive a truck?
No.
Why were you both
illegally driving a truck?
We were working on a golf course.
Oh, so it was a small truck?
It was...
Well, it was big enough that
you shouldn't run yourself over.
So is this, like, a summer job, Joe?
Er, I wish it was. It was winter.
So, you were the groundsman. Yeah.
Where was the golf course? In Kent.
LAUGHTER
And what specifically
was this vehicle for?
Moving dirt about the course.
Well, hang on, moving dirt -
what do you mean?
Well, it starts somewhere,
then you take it somewhere else.
I know what moving is, but
what was the dirt doing there
in the first place
and where was it going?
Well, someone else put it there.
I was just moving it.
Well, where was it going?
Wherever they told me.
So what happened? You're moving dirt
around the course. Yeah.
And what happened?
I was driving that day.
We used to take it in turns.
At 177
I was probably a bit younger,
I was probably about 15.
But what was...? I'm still trying
to identify the type of vehicle,
cos you surely need licences
for this.
Yeah.
OK.
LAUGHTER
Did you injure yourself
quite seriously?
No, I injured Lee quite badly.
I, erm...
JO: You drove over him.
Well, we drove over ourselves.
Well, talk us through that.
How did that happen?
So we had to get over this hill,
so we decided to give it
a bit of wetly, and as we went
over it, cos it was quite heavy,
it dropped quickly,
and we flew over the front.
There was no, erm, front.
LAUGHTER
Is it electric, this vehicle? Yeah.
Ah, OK, so quite small.
What, electric 30 years ago?
Sinclair C5, 40 years ago,
and they took off.
DAVID: Milk floats.
No, it doesn't.
APPLAUSE
So you go up a hill, you said,
then you drop, and what happens?
Yeah, and we flew over the front.
Both of you? Yeah.
And the vehicle has, what,
run over you?
Yeah. Actually gone right over
your bodies?
Well, the weird thing was
it was a three-wheeler,
so the wheel went in between us,
and we both rolled out the way
of the back wheels.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, hang on...
Joe, that, in this game,
is called pushing your luck.
How come,
if the wheels went over both of you,
he got much more badly injured
than you did?
Um, because of my training.
All right, what about Lucy?
So, Lucy, er, remind us again.
This is Lee. He walked behind me
during a live weather forecast,
and he fell down a big hole
behind me.
Right, so where was
the live weather forecast from?
Er, it was from Bournemouth.
From Bournemouth. For the BBC?
Yeah.
Why is there a big hole behind you?
Because it's on the beach, and,
like, a kid had just dug a big hole.
Oh, wait a minute. Oh, come on!
A KID had dug a hole?! Come on!
How deep was the hole?
I assume... I don't know.
Was it Lee height?
Yeah, it was a big hole.
Did he completely vanish?
Yes, just...
Oh, just perfectly comedically,
he landed like that.
But also,
if he was walking behind you,
why didn't you fall in it first?
Cos I was doing the weather,
so I was looking at the camera,
and I was presenting.
Lee's behind as she's presenting.
Lee's walking behind me.
And was he gawping at you?
No, he had his phone out.
What, he didn't even glance up
at the weather forecast,
live from the beach?
No. I mean, I'm often
looking at my phone at home
when you're doing the weather,
and sometimes I'll go...
Did this create a kind of viral
moment that made you and Lee...?
Was it in the back of the shot?
Yeah. Oh, I see.
Yeah, so I didn't realise
until afterwards. Right.
And then everyone was laughing.
Right.
Presumably you then,
after you'd signed off,
you realised there was a kerfuffle,
and what sort of state was he in?
He was fine.
Even when you screamed, "Leave him
there, the tide's coming in"?
All right, now, what about David?
Remind us of your claim.
Well, this is Lee, and he's
the hotel receptionist who confirmed
that I was right that another guest
had stolen my toast.
Right. Where's the hotel?
Er, it was near Stroud.
What were you doing in Stroud?
I was filming the sitcom
called Back.
So what happened?
Well, I'm going down for breakfast.
I'm not...
I'm not needed on set
as much as I'd hoped.
LAUGHTER
I'm there towards the end of
the breakfast slot,
and on the buffet bit,
there were only two bits of bread
left in the sort of basket of
sliced bread,
and so I put them in the toaster,
and put the toast down.
It was quiet in the breakfast room.
And I go and get, I think,
an orange juice,
and, you know, and maybe a tea.
Did they have any Magnums?
That's what I like for breakfast.
Did they have any Magnums?
Er, no, they didn't, strangely.
No? Oh, OK.
I know how you feel, Jo.
When I listen to David talking,
I want to shoot me self as well.
LAUGHTER
So tell us some more about the bits
and bobs you had for breakfast.
LAUGHTER
So I then turn round,
and the toast is not in the toaster,
and another guest is
at another table eating toast.
LEE GASPS
Cut to...
That's a TV term.
...the next day I'm going down
to breakfast about the same time.
Another day
when you're not needed on set?
LAUGHTER
Not needed first thing.
They were getting to my scene.
And, well, basically the same
thing happened again.
Oh, what, really?
The two slices I put in,
I put the toast down,
I turned my back
for what felt like seconds,
and there was this same guest.
Same guest!
Yeah. Different table he was at,
so he's playing with me.
Why would you want to go
to a different table?
I say to the man, "Excuse me,
but you're eating my toast.
"I put that bread in there
and you're eating it."
Can I just ask one question?
Can you promise us faithfully
that there isn't a third day
in this story?
So you've confronted a man.
Quite out of character, I might say.
Well, I... But this was
the second day in a row.
Yes.
And he was quite aggressive.
He said, "What are you talking
about? This is my toast.
"Don't be ridiculous”.
So what did you say?
I became, if you can imagine
such a thing,
more pathetic.
And... Now, when does...?
Are we going to get to the point
where this man enters your story?
It's the last day of my stay,
so I'm checking out,
I go back to my room, I get my bag,
I come down to reception,
and there is Lee. Ah.
The star of the story,
but quite a late entrant.
He says to me,
as I'm checking out,
"Excuse me, I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation
"in the breakfast room,
and I have to say
"that you are absolutely right,"
and he shows me the CCTV.
No, he doesn't, David!
He shows me...
He shows you the C...
...the CCTV from the breakfast room,
and you see me,
slightly grainy, put toast
in the toaster, put it down,
move away, and then this other guy,
when the toast pops up, he takes it.
OK, so...
Is there anything else
in this story? No! There isn't.
Just let me recap.
All right, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team,
is Lee Joe's flattened friend,
Lucy's plunging pedestrian,
or David's hotel hero?
What do we think?
Well, I'm trying to visualise him
in all these situations,
and to me, the most realistic one
seems like falling down a hole.
He doesn't look like he works in a
hotel. I mean, I don't know why.
What do you...? Why doesn't he look
like he works in a hotel? Erm...
LAUGHTER
Well, because I've been
to lots of hotels,
and I've never seen anyone
that looks like him.
I think it's Lucy.
You think it's Lucy?
What do you think, Lee?
I think it might be the golf.
The golf?! Admitting to large-scale
criminality on prime-time TV, 15?
I don't know if it is criminality.
A 15-year-old driving a truck
round a golf course?!
A 12-year-old can drive
a motorised quad bike.
CAN they? Well, I hope so.
APPLAUSE
You both think it's Lucy. I think
it's Joe, but I will go with Lucy.
OK, Lee, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Lee, and...
...Joe and I ran each other over.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Lee is Joe's flattened friend.
Thank you very much, Lee.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lucy.
OK.
I don't know why she does it,
but every time Lee Mack
appears on the telly,
my cat hides under the sofa.
Well...
I'm afraid I know why she does it.
I'm so sorry.
OK, what's your cat called?
Hattie. Hattie.
And is it only Lee that elicits
this very strong reaction?
Yes. On any show, or on this show?
Mostly this show.
He must be darting in and out a lot.
He must be knackered
by the end of the show.
It's a girl. She, sorry. Thank you.
I should know that.
Have you ever tried
to sort of cajole Hattie
to be less alarmed
at the presence of Lee? Yes.
And how've you done that?
What do you do?
Treats, strokes, try to warn her
when you're coming.
What do you mean? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you're telling me that,
during this show,
the cat is looking at David
like that, and you're whispering,
"Don't get comfy,
he's coming, he's coming.
"He's coming. No, he's coming,
he's coming! He's there! Run!"
Yeah. Wow.
I think YOU might be
the problem here.
What are you thinking, Jo?
It sounds a bit too
kind of Esther Rantzen to me,
do you know what I mean?
It's like... Esther Rantzen?!
Ooh, my dog said "Sausages,"
and sort of... I don't know.
That's one for the over-60s.
Wahey! Welcome to the over...
Are there any?
Yes, yeah, well done, madam.
Do you want to come to the toilet
in a minute? I'm off.
I don't know, I sort of think
there's a...
I think it's possibly true. Mm.
If it's true,
I might really annoy him now.
All right?
It's me again!
Woof! It's all right, Hattie.
Time to decide.
Boo!
I don't know, I think
it's got to be a lie, hasn't it?
I think so.
You think it might be true, though.
Go with a lie. Go with a lie.
I like the way Amol took control
of that team there,
he sat there and he went
"Go with a lie, go with a lie."
I know. And your little face looked
at him and went, "Can 17" I know.
It's because he's got the Today
programme authority about him.
I know. He's got authority,
hasn't he? Yes.
I prefer incompetent people
who don't know what they're doing.
What do you think, Jo?
Let's go with Amol,
just for a laugh.
Go with true, go with true.
Go on, let's do it. It is true.
You're going to say it's true.
Lucy, is it true or is it a lie?
It's...
...a lie.
Sorry. Sorry.
It's a lie. Lucy's cat doesn't hide
when Lee's on the telly.
KLAXON
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",
the show where dishonesty
is sometimes the best policy.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian making his WILTY debut -
it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And she's just blown in
from the BBC weather studio -
it's forecaster Lucy Martin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a journalist
and host of the Today programme,
Amol Raj an.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
And a comedy legend, back for an
extra slice of WILTY, it's Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll be
faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction,
and Jo Brand is first tonight.
After a misunderstanding,
I once became a chauffeur
for one of the Jackson 5.
LAUGHTER
David Mitchell.
Which one of the Jackson 5?
Jermaine.
Oh, that's a shame.
So, er, why were you
accidentally a chauffeur?
Well, I was at an event, er, there
were lots of celebrities there,
it was at a huge venue
in Leicester Square.
I was with my best friend's husband,
cos he...
Ooh, that's very broad-minded!
You're at the event.
What's the misunderstanding?
Well, this very flustered sort
of PR type came up to me and said,
"Oh, I've got a terrible dilemma.
"One of my clients' car isn't here.
And... Do YOU have a car?"
And I said, "Yes, I do."
And, um, she said, "Could you
possibly drop my client off
"on your way home?"
But when I said to her,
"Yes, I do have a car,"
she thought I meant
a chauffeur-driven car, but...
...I had my own car
round the corner.
So I said, "Well, I'U0 just go
and get it and sort it,"
and...
And what sort of car did you bring?
It was, um, it was a Saab.
That's a nice car, a Saab.
Yeah. Saabs are nice.
It's not the sort of car
you'd expect to be sort of
sent for a pop star
to be driven away in, though. No.
So it's good -
it's visually incongruous,
but still a quality piece
of Swedish engineering.
Which is exactly
what I said to Jermaine.
So you pull up outside,
and out comes Jermaine Jackson.
With his wife. Yes.
Oh, right. So now this is
quite cramped for a Saab.
What state was your car in?
I mean...
Not good.
Bird faeces on the windscreen.
And, er, just like a mess inside.
Really? And how did he react
when he got in?
Oh, he did...
He was very kind of polite.
It was a bit like taking a child
to nursery in many ways.
In what way?
Well, he just seemed,
he just seemed to be going...
So how dirty was your car?!
And, um,
there were lots of paps around,
so there were, like,
three paps on the bonnet of my car.
No! There were, like, trying to,
obviously not get my best friend's
friend Roland's picture.
So in the papers the next day,
"Who is who is the mystery man
with Jo Brand
"and Mr and Mrs Jermaine Jackson?"
Just while we're here, very quickly,
one of the dads from my daughter's
primary school,
he came out of a restaurant
at the same time as Barry Manilow
a few years ago, and they were
papped, and his picture
went all the way round the world
as Barry Manilow's new husband.
It was so brilliant.
APPLAUSE
What are you thinking, Lucy?
Does this strike you as true?
I'm going to go lie.
Why? There are a few elements.
Driving to Leicester Square -
one of them.
That's a very good point. Who
the heck drives to Leicester Square?
Yes, well,
I had a question about that.
Where were you parked? Yes.
LEE: It's always about the admin
with David.
If this is true, she's been telling
this anecdote for years,
and no-one's ever gone,
"But where did you park?"
That's because previously,
she wasn't in a context where
people were going to go,
"I think you're lying,"
they were just happy to enjoy
the anecdote, whereas the situation
I've been put in is I have to decide
whether or not it's true,
which means I have to break social
convention to a certain extent,
be more sceptical about the anecdote
than I would be at, say, a party.
So, Jo, I ASK you AGAIN...
...on the occasion when you picked up
Jermaine Jackson from a large
venue in Leicester Square, where did
you go to fetch your car from?
You must remember that walk.
You're leaving the event,
you're going with your friend's
husband...
Do you know what, David? I disagree.
I think, if you were at a party,
you WOULD talk like this.
APPLAUSE
well, I...
I've never been invited to a party,
so I don't know.
You must remember
where it was parked.
Well, I don't. Argh!
So what do you think, then, Joe,
is this true?
No, I think it's nonsense.
You think it's a lie?
Yeah. I don't, just for...
Lucy thinks it's a lie.
OK, we'll go lie. We'll go lie.
You're saying it's a lie? Yes.
OK. Jo, truth or lie?
It is...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It's true, Jo did once give a lift
to Jermaine Jackson.
Joe Wilkinson, you're next.
LEE: That's good.
"I once gave a lift
to the Guildford Four."
LAUGHTER
Well, Joe is sporting a very
sort of open-prison look tonight.
Um, I once shared a tent in Kent
with Susie Dent.
Lee's team.
Where did you first
get to know Susie?
On Countdown.
LEE: Which is true.
She's on Countdown.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's quite
a lot of TV shows around,
aren't there, where people off
the telly go and camp somewhere?
Yeah, yeah. You know,
it's not out of the question.
Not out of the que...
I know for a fact he's been very
smiley in Filey with Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE
JO: Was it just you and Susie?
In the tent, yeah.
Why did this come about?
Er, well, it was a telev... Well,
for a pilot that never made it.
Oh, a TV show?
Yeah, that never made it.
What was the show called?
Tents In Kent.
Quick qu... Is Camber Sands in Kent?
No. It's in Sussex.
Well, they got it wrong, then.
What was going to be
the interesting,
appealing television that was
going to come out of it?
I was going to get paid £7,000.
Yeah, but, crucially,
that's not enough to make someone
tune into a TV programme, amazingly.
No, I wasn't really worried
about that bit.
What was the show called?
We had to do this task.
I remember we had 24 hours in it...
Yeah.
...and then we had to complete a task
in 24 hours.
What was the task?
It was like a political campaign
that we had to run in 24 hours.
I was running
for Mayor of Whitstable.
Did you have to represent a party?
Yes. What was the party?
God, a lot of questions,
aren't there?
DAVID: That will happen, and it's...
It's quite draining, isn't it?
But also, can I just point out
that Whitstable is North Kent
and Camber Sands is about
40 miles away in Sussex?
Ah! No, it's, it's exactly
40 minutes in a car.
Going at 60mph.
The reason it...
LEE: Hang on, hang on.
We, we didn't... Just stop!
I will not stop!
I want a recap before we carry on.
So you're doing a political campaign
in 24 hours
to become Mayor of Whitstable,
but you're staying in Camber,
which is a completely different
county, and, for no reason
so far that you've explained,
you stay in a tent!
What's that got to do with running
a campaign for mayor?
Right, well, I guess they couldn't
find a yurt near Whitstable,
and I don't blame them for that!
I don't know why I'm getting cross.
Sorry.
But what does it say about
your campaigning skills
that you ended up in a tent
with Susie Dent?
Things went well.
Why did it never get made into TV?
Because they watched it back.
APPLAUSE
That was the...
What do we think?
Jo, what are you thinking?
Oh, I really want to believe it,
but I just don't.
Oh, fair enough.
I could've believed you were
in a tent with Susie in Kent,
but I think the whole political
campaign thing's just a distraction.
All right, what's it going to be?
We're going to say it's a lie,
are we? It's a lie, isn't it?
I think so, yeah.
We think it's a lie.
OK, you think it's a lie.
Joe, were you telling a lie or were
you actually telling the truth?
It was...
...a lie. Hooray!
APPLAUSE
I believed you.
Yes, it's a lie, Joe didn't share
a tent in Kent with Susie Dent.
Amol, You're next.
I used to star in an agony aunt's
photo casebook,
playing a series of inadequate men.
David's team.
An agony... Describe that, a what?
An agony aunt's...? What?
You remember newspapers?
Yeah, vaguely, yeah.
And certain newspapers would have
these sort of comic strip things...
Yeah. ..where agony aunts
play out scenarios.
Did you have your top off?
Do you know? I think...
Well, it was a series of different
issues that I was confronting.
Did you ever have your top off?
Um...
Do you want him to take his top off?
I'd love you to take your top off.
um...
SOLITARY WHOOP
Er, I'm not... No.
I'm glad I got ONE whoop.
LAUGHTER
I think that might've been a vomit.
So you were photographed
to play out the dysfunctional
scenario that the agony aunt
was addressing?
And I'm glad you said "dysfunction”
because one of the subjects
was impotence.
Can you remember
what the tableaux were?
Er, I think it would usually involve
a kind of, um, relationship,
where, um, I would be pictured,
often with someone
who is out of my league,
and I'd sort of have real questions
and self-doubt,
and there'd be a little
thought bubble that said,
"I just can't make it happen.”
Yes. I mean, I'm looking now
at the panel, and I'm thinking,
"What a lovely opportunity
to recreate,”
because Lee is a hell of an actor.
If you've ever seen him act,
put that to one side,
and take it from me -
he is a hell of an actor.
I'd be perfect for this, cos my
acting's been described as "stiff".
APPLAUSE
So what if we imagined... Yeah.
...there's a problem, he's your wife,
there's a problem in the
relationship, and you've got to
find a pose now that could be a
still that would convey this for us.
OK, um, I think you'd be trying
to sort of show me affection
and romance,
and I'd be sort of going...
Then the middle bit is this.
And I'd be like... That's help.
Yeah. And then how is it resolved?
And then it'd be resolved with,
er...
I think that's very good.
APPLAUSE
It was really to sort of bring
alive scenarios
that people could relate to.
What was the publication?
Um, it was actually
for a TV programme.
Which TV show?
It was called The Wright Stuff.
OK, what do you think, Joe?
Does it strike you as true?
Yeah. It really does.
Cos it's like,
who would make that up?
But I'm not even clear
what's BEEN made up.
Do you not read the Mirror?
Are you unfamiliar with
this kind of, er...?
Yes, I am.
You know, a photo, as it were
comic strip, telling a story,
I can imagine that.
But that's in a newspaper. Yeah.
Not a television programme. Right.
But what about the opening credits
of Grange Hill?
Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
That was a comic strip film.
It was, yes...
And unlike that one,
this one didn't have a big sausage.
I didn't believe it
until you stood up,
and then it looked like
you knew what you were doing.
Ah, it's got to be true.
OK. We're going to go true.
Saying true? Yep.
Amol, truth or lie?
Well, the trouble is...
...it's true.
Yes, it's true, Amol really did star
in an agony aunt's photo casebook,
and of course, we have the proof.
Take a look at this.
Here's the first one.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, another satisfied customer...
You didn't tell me
you were going to pull these out,
hang on a second.
She says, "In your dreams.
I love him
"but he's just not pushing
the right buttons.”
"What do you mean?
"I thought that was incredible!"
"Have you been faking it?"
That's beautiful. That's beautiful.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Lee.
APPLAUSE
So, Joe, what is Lee to you?
Er, this is Lee. We once managed
to run ourselves over.
Right. Lucy, how do you know Lee?
This is Lee.
He walked behind me
during a live weather forecast
and fell down a big hole.
OK, and finally, David,
what is your relationship with Lee?
Er, this is Lee,
and he's the hotel receptionist who
confirmed my suspicion that another
guest had indeed stolen my toast.
So there we have it.
Lee, where will you start?
We'll start with Joe.
Um, when did this happen?
Er, probably about 30 years ago.
30? Yeah. Do you mind me asking
how old you are now?
Yep.
Er, 47.
Cor, he looks good, don't he?!
Yeah. And is he the same age?
Yeah. Were you driving a car?
We were driving a truck.
Did you have a licence
to drive a truck?
No.
Why were you both
illegally driving a truck?
We were working on a golf course.
Oh, so it was a small truck?
It was...
Well, it was big enough that
you shouldn't run yourself over.
So is this, like, a summer job, Joe?
Er, I wish it was. It was winter.
So, you were the groundsman. Yeah.
Where was the golf course? In Kent.
LAUGHTER
And what specifically
was this vehicle for?
Moving dirt about the course.
Well, hang on, moving dirt -
what do you mean?
Well, it starts somewhere,
then you take it somewhere else.
I know what moving is, but
what was the dirt doing there
in the first place
and where was it going?
Well, someone else put it there.
I was just moving it.
Well, where was it going?
Wherever they told me.
So what happened? You're moving dirt
around the course. Yeah.
And what happened?
I was driving that day.
We used to take it in turns.
At 177
I was probably a bit younger,
I was probably about 15.
But what was...? I'm still trying
to identify the type of vehicle,
cos you surely need licences
for this.
Yeah.
OK.
LAUGHTER
Did you injure yourself
quite seriously?
No, I injured Lee quite badly.
I, erm...
JO: You drove over him.
Well, we drove over ourselves.
Well, talk us through that.
How did that happen?
So we had to get over this hill,
so we decided to give it
a bit of wetly, and as we went
over it, cos it was quite heavy,
it dropped quickly,
and we flew over the front.
There was no, erm, front.
LAUGHTER
Is it electric, this vehicle? Yeah.
Ah, OK, so quite small.
What, electric 30 years ago?
Sinclair C5, 40 years ago,
and they took off.
DAVID: Milk floats.
No, it doesn't.
APPLAUSE
So you go up a hill, you said,
then you drop, and what happens?
Yeah, and we flew over the front.
Both of you? Yeah.
And the vehicle has, what,
run over you?
Yeah. Actually gone right over
your bodies?
Well, the weird thing was
it was a three-wheeler,
so the wheel went in between us,
and we both rolled out the way
of the back wheels.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, hang on...
Joe, that, in this game,
is called pushing your luck.
How come,
if the wheels went over both of you,
he got much more badly injured
than you did?
Um, because of my training.
All right, what about Lucy?
So, Lucy, er, remind us again.
This is Lee. He walked behind me
during a live weather forecast,
and he fell down a big hole
behind me.
Right, so where was
the live weather forecast from?
Er, it was from Bournemouth.
From Bournemouth. For the BBC?
Yeah.
Why is there a big hole behind you?
Because it's on the beach, and,
like, a kid had just dug a big hole.
Oh, wait a minute. Oh, come on!
A KID had dug a hole?! Come on!
How deep was the hole?
I assume... I don't know.
Was it Lee height?
Yeah, it was a big hole.
Did he completely vanish?
Yes, just...
Oh, just perfectly comedically,
he landed like that.
But also,
if he was walking behind you,
why didn't you fall in it first?
Cos I was doing the weather,
so I was looking at the camera,
and I was presenting.
Lee's behind as she's presenting.
Lee's walking behind me.
And was he gawping at you?
No, he had his phone out.
What, he didn't even glance up
at the weather forecast,
live from the beach?
No. I mean, I'm often
looking at my phone at home
when you're doing the weather,
and sometimes I'll go...
Did this create a kind of viral
moment that made you and Lee...?
Was it in the back of the shot?
Yeah. Oh, I see.
Yeah, so I didn't realise
until afterwards. Right.
And then everyone was laughing.
Right.
Presumably you then,
after you'd signed off,
you realised there was a kerfuffle,
and what sort of state was he in?
He was fine.
Even when you screamed, "Leave him
there, the tide's coming in"?
All right, now, what about David?
Remind us of your claim.
Well, this is Lee, and he's
the hotel receptionist who confirmed
that I was right that another guest
had stolen my toast.
Right. Where's the hotel?
Er, it was near Stroud.
What were you doing in Stroud?
I was filming the sitcom
called Back.
So what happened?
Well, I'm going down for breakfast.
I'm not...
I'm not needed on set
as much as I'd hoped.
LAUGHTER
I'm there towards the end of
the breakfast slot,
and on the buffet bit,
there were only two bits of bread
left in the sort of basket of
sliced bread,
and so I put them in the toaster,
and put the toast down.
It was quiet in the breakfast room.
And I go and get, I think,
an orange juice,
and, you know, and maybe a tea.
Did they have any Magnums?
That's what I like for breakfast.
Did they have any Magnums?
Er, no, they didn't, strangely.
No? Oh, OK.
I know how you feel, Jo.
When I listen to David talking,
I want to shoot me self as well.
LAUGHTER
So tell us some more about the bits
and bobs you had for breakfast.
LAUGHTER
So I then turn round,
and the toast is not in the toaster,
and another guest is
at another table eating toast.
LEE GASPS
Cut to...
That's a TV term.
...the next day I'm going down
to breakfast about the same time.
Another day
when you're not needed on set?
LAUGHTER
Not needed first thing.
They were getting to my scene.
And, well, basically the same
thing happened again.
Oh, what, really?
The two slices I put in,
I put the toast down,
I turned my back
for what felt like seconds,
and there was this same guest.
Same guest!
Yeah. Different table he was at,
so he's playing with me.
Why would you want to go
to a different table?
I say to the man, "Excuse me,
but you're eating my toast.
"I put that bread in there
and you're eating it."
Can I just ask one question?
Can you promise us faithfully
that there isn't a third day
in this story?
So you've confronted a man.
Quite out of character, I might say.
Well, I... But this was
the second day in a row.
Yes.
And he was quite aggressive.
He said, "What are you talking
about? This is my toast.
"Don't be ridiculous”.
So what did you say?
I became, if you can imagine
such a thing,
more pathetic.
And... Now, when does...?
Are we going to get to the point
where this man enters your story?
It's the last day of my stay,
so I'm checking out,
I go back to my room, I get my bag,
I come down to reception,
and there is Lee. Ah.
The star of the story,
but quite a late entrant.
He says to me,
as I'm checking out,
"Excuse me, I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation
"in the breakfast room,
and I have to say
"that you are absolutely right,"
and he shows me the CCTV.
No, he doesn't, David!
He shows me...
He shows you the C...
...the CCTV from the breakfast room,
and you see me,
slightly grainy, put toast
in the toaster, put it down,
move away, and then this other guy,
when the toast pops up, he takes it.
OK, so...
Is there anything else
in this story? No! There isn't.
Just let me recap.
All right, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team,
is Lee Joe's flattened friend,
Lucy's plunging pedestrian,
or David's hotel hero?
What do we think?
Well, I'm trying to visualise him
in all these situations,
and to me, the most realistic one
seems like falling down a hole.
He doesn't look like he works in a
hotel. I mean, I don't know why.
What do you...? Why doesn't he look
like he works in a hotel? Erm...
LAUGHTER
Well, because I've been
to lots of hotels,
and I've never seen anyone
that looks like him.
I think it's Lucy.
You think it's Lucy?
What do you think, Lee?
I think it might be the golf.
The golf?! Admitting to large-scale
criminality on prime-time TV, 15?
I don't know if it is criminality.
A 15-year-old driving a truck
round a golf course?!
A 12-year-old can drive
a motorised quad bike.
CAN they? Well, I hope so.
APPLAUSE
You both think it's Lucy. I think
it's Joe, but I will go with Lucy.
OK, Lee, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Lee, and...
...Joe and I ran each other over.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Lee is Joe's flattened friend.
Thank you very much, Lee.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lucy.
OK.
I don't know why she does it,
but every time Lee Mack
appears on the telly,
my cat hides under the sofa.
Well...
I'm afraid I know why she does it.
I'm so sorry.
OK, what's your cat called?
Hattie. Hattie.
And is it only Lee that elicits
this very strong reaction?
Yes. On any show, or on this show?
Mostly this show.
He must be darting in and out a lot.
He must be knackered
by the end of the show.
It's a girl. She, sorry. Thank you.
I should know that.
Have you ever tried
to sort of cajole Hattie
to be less alarmed
at the presence of Lee? Yes.
And how've you done that?
What do you do?
Treats, strokes, try to warn her
when you're coming.
What do you mean? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you're telling me that,
during this show,
the cat is looking at David
like that, and you're whispering,
"Don't get comfy,
he's coming, he's coming.
"He's coming. No, he's coming,
he's coming! He's there! Run!"
Yeah. Wow.
I think YOU might be
the problem here.
What are you thinking, Jo?
It sounds a bit too
kind of Esther Rantzen to me,
do you know what I mean?
It's like... Esther Rantzen?!
Ooh, my dog said "Sausages,"
and sort of... I don't know.
That's one for the over-60s.
Wahey! Welcome to the over...
Are there any?
Yes, yeah, well done, madam.
Do you want to come to the toilet
in a minute? I'm off.
I don't know, I sort of think
there's a...
I think it's possibly true. Mm.
If it's true,
I might really annoy him now.
All right?
It's me again!
Woof! It's all right, Hattie.
Time to decide.
Boo!
I don't know, I think
it's got to be a lie, hasn't it?
I think so.
You think it might be true, though.
Go with a lie. Go with a lie.
I like the way Amol took control
of that team there,
he sat there and he went
"Go with a lie, go with a lie."
I know. And your little face looked
at him and went, "Can 17" I know.
It's because he's got the Today
programme authority about him.
I know. He's got authority,
hasn't he? Yes.
I prefer incompetent people
who don't know what they're doing.
What do you think, Jo?
Let's go with Amol,
just for a laugh.
Go with true, go with true.
Go on, let's do it. It is true.
You're going to say it's true.
Lucy, is it true or is it a lie?
It's...
...a lie.
Sorry. Sorry.
It's a lie. Lucy's cat doesn't hide
when Lee's on the telly.
KLAXON
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE