Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 4 - Episode #16.4 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?, the show with
barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
interior designer
and all-round dandy,
it's Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
APPLAUSE
And a swimmer who's a five-time
Paralympic champion, Ellie Simmonds.
CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's a rapper
and host of BBC Three's Gassed Up,
it's Mist!
APPLAUSE
And comedian and co-star
of Alma's Not Normal, Jayde Adams.
Uh, we begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Laurence is first up tonight.
Right. Hmph.
I once turned down an invitation
to meet Prince,
because I wanted to stay at home
and watch Only Connect.
Lee's team.
What's Only Connect?
Are you serious?
What is, I don't know what it is.
This is awkward.
David's wife hosts it.
Sorry.
Yeah, I, I, I'm with you there.
Thanks, Ellie.
You don't know it either? No.
Oh, well, I mean, thank you for
taking the opportunity to...
LAUGHTER
Listen, let's not leave any stone
unturned in terms of not having
heard of the programme.
Well, let's just check then, Mist,
have you heard of Only Connect?
No. I ain't, no. Oh.
LAUGHTER
Only Connect is one of the most
intelligent, uh, quiz...
is, is a fair...
A quiz, it, it is a quiz.
You haven't seen it either, have
you? Yes, I have, 'course I've seen
it.
I, I have seen it.
Only Connect hosted
by Victoria Coren Mitchell,
who inexplicably married David.
Anyway...
What was the situation where you got
invited to meet Prince?
He uh, rather fell in love
with my furniture.
It's funny, actually,
cos my dog was called Prince,
and he fell in love with
the furniture. Did he?
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
Er, but no, my office had a,
a call from Prince's people,
saying that he was coming to the UK,
doing a series of smallish tours,
er, and he wanted Laurence
Llewelyn-Bowen furniture to, to be
part of his green room experience.
Are you a big Prince fan?
I, uh, yes, actually,
back in my, my youth,
I was a really very passionate
Prince fan.
So, wouldn't that have been a big
thing for Prince to actually
purchase some of your furniture?
Huge! Absolutely enormous thing.
That quiz must've been good, innit?
Er...
He knows.
It, it is a very good quiz.
He knows.
What, what happens on Only Connect,
Laurence, no-one else answer.
That's a very good question,
actually, let's test him. So, it is,
it's sort of general knowledge.
Uh, there are hieroglyphics
involved. Name them.
Er, there is, er,
the horned viper...
Is there?
Her name is Victoria.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Ooh.
That one just slipped out.
I am so sorry. Too easy. No that,
look... Yeah.
I couldn't res..., I saw the open
goal, I had to get in before him.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, just so you know, don't ever
kneel behind the desk
in David's crotch again.
Yeah.
Er, OK, so that's true, yeah,
and where were you going to meet
him?
After one of his gigs.
And of course, that was his last
thing before, you know,
he then no longer existed, er...
So, er, you know,
we did rather miss the opportunity.
It's actually...
Please tell me you didn't do
the speech at the funeral. No.
Did he do a tour of, of Britain,
or just one venue?
He, I think this was part of a tour,
because we had to move
the furniture around to follow him.
Oh, so, the, the, the furniture went
with him,
every single green room was decked,
with this stuff. It was.
So, it was a bit
of a contract for you.
Can you not sneer when you
say this stuff? OK? Sorry.
So, basically, he's gone to you,
DFS is closed, he's...
What are we going to say?
What do you think, truth or lie?
I want to say it's a lie,
but I think it's true.
Do you? Mm. What do we think?
I'm going to say it's a lie. OK.
You say lie, you say true. True.
And I... So it's all down to you.
So, I'm going to go with Jayde.
OK.
You're saying it's true. Yes. Er,
Laurence.
Prince, truth or lie?
It is true.
Ah!
Yes, it's true,
Laurence really did snub Prince
so he could watch Only Connect.
Er, Jayde, you're next.
Whenever someone sits down next
to me in public,
I always say "boing"” out loud
just as their bottom hits the seat,
then see what happens next.
David's team. Ooh.
So, so as they sit down, does it,
does they have to be right
next to you, or...?
Or does... It, I have, they have to
be able to hear me say it.
ELLIE: Do you, do you say it
quietly, do you say it loud?
I don't think I've ever done
anything quietly in my life.
Do you want to demonstrate?
Yeah, let's have a go.
I'll, demonstrate, go on.
Lee can you stand?
Just about.
Watch this for acting.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-o0i-ng.
Oh.
And is it, is it...?
Boi-oi-oi-oi-o0i-ng.
Now that was unusual. Wow. Yeah.
Do you vary the boings according to
who's sitting down? Yes.
What would you do for David? Would
you stand up? Absolutely, go on,
David. Let's, let's try it. Yeah.
Let's let David sit and just,
just go with the flow here, Jayde.
All right, OK. Yeah. OK.
Boing!
You see, much, much perter.
I'm trying to work
out which is best.
I, I know which is best, I think
it's very clear which is best.
Oh, yeah, yeh. Jayde, Jayde, would
you, would you indulge me?
OK. Oh. Yeah.
LEE: Well, stand up, then.
I am standing up.
Boy-ing.
Was that a Welsh boing? Yes.
It's, it's quite a, quite Welsh,
it was also quite seductive.
Ellie, what do you think?
Erm, I can see it, you doing it.
D'you have to be on it,
d'you have to be focused,
so when someone
sits down they go buuung.
I just, uh,
I don't think about it that hard.
It's just... It's just if someone...
You can spot the Olympian,
can't you, though? Yeah.
You have to be on it.
You have to be focused!
"I don't really think about it,
really."
OK, David, it's time to be
a captain, to be a leader.
OK, what do you think? Erm.
Ha. Real leadership quality, there.
Yes.
I th..., I like to, I,
I would love it to be true,
but I think it might be false.
1, I, think...
Having got to know you, I
think this is absolutely
credible, I think
it's very much the truth. David?
Well, I was going to say it's
probably not the truth, cos what she
said is that every time someone sits
down next to her she goes boing.
Mm. And I don't think anyone
would do that.
OK, we're going to say it's not
true, it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK, Jayde,
was it true or was it a lie?
It's...
...a lie. Ah!
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery
guest who has a close connection to
one of our panellists. This week,
each of David's team will claim it's
them that has the genuine connection
to the guest, it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest - Duncan.
So, Laurence, what is Duncan to you?
So, this is Duncan. When I wanted to
get myself sacked from
Changing Rooms, he helped me design
a deliberately disgusting room.
Ellie, how do you know Duncan?
So, this is Duncan,
he fixed my washing machine after
I accidentally put my gold medal
through a hot wash.
And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Duncan?
This is Duncan, and he insisted that
I borrow his trainers
so that I could take part
in the school sports day dads' race.
So, there we have it, Lee.
Laurence. Yes.
Why did you want to get
sacked from Changing Rooms? Oh.
I felt that it was all
getting a bit cosy,
so I wanted to do this
sort of enormous kind of Viking
funeral room which was,
erm, spitefully ostentatious.
And you, you were deliberately,
wanting to get sacked from what
was a very big hit?
[, I'd grown bored of it, Rob,
you know. Yes.
It was the sort of like relentless
kind of sausage factory.
You can get bored doing the same
show for a long time. Yeah.
People who you initially got on with
very well, can become very grating.
LAUGHTER
What was there response, then?
So, so I remember Changing Rooms
and there, there would be the big
reveal, so how did they react?
Well, that was what was
so unbelievably irritating,
because they absolutely loved it.
I remember sitting on the floor
because there was no furniture, um,
and just a lot of rose petals,
and in fact Duncan had helped
with some incredibly erotic
murals done in what looked
like tomato ketchup and charcoal.
So he's not an interior designer,
he's more of the...?
He's more of an artist.
And did Duncan also want
to get the sack?
I don't think Duncan did
want to get the sack...
But you were going to take him
down with you? Basically, yes.
Duncan's idea was for the
rose petals as well?
Er, no, Duncan doesn't do rose
petals,
as you can plainly see. Look at
Duncan, he doesn't do rose petals!
Which of these two does rose petals?
So you're saying Duncan's an artist?
Yes, I am. Am I allowed to see
Duncan's shoes? Yes.
Just, like, if he's an artist,
he's going to have some nice
shoes on, in't he? Really?
Or at least some, like, you know,
like, you know, if he's got...
He ain't an artist.
I want to have a look...
He's got hiking boots on. No, babes.
Has he? Yeah. Mate, I love your
shoes,
but they're not artist's shoes.
Were you looking for specks
of paint on his shoes?
I was just looking for, like,
you know, I know what sort of shoe
I'm looking for in an artist
and it ain't the one he's wearing.
What is that sort of shoe?
I don't want to offend the bloke
that's there, but he ain't
your mate, and it's not an ar...
Someone who is...
who understands visual things
does not wear shoes like that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And just to be absolutely clear,
you don't want to offend him?
No!
Now, then, what about Ellie?
Just remind us, Ellie,
of how you know Duncan.
So, Duncan helped
fix my washing machine
when I put my gold medal
accidently in the wash.
So it was you that
accidentally washed it? Yeah.
I'd just come back from a
competition, so I put all my kit -
cos we go for away for months -
put all my kit in a washing machine
cos we need the clothes for,
like, meeting the Queen.
Yeah, show off.
Your medal was in the mix of dirty
clothes?
Yeah, it was, with everything.
You haven't loaned it to
Mist tonight, have you?
Cos I know I ain't putting my medal
in dirty clothes, do you know what
I'm saying?
JAYDE: So you chucked all your
kit in then, did you?
Yeah. So what colour is your kit
that you wear when you do...?
It's like red, white, blue...
Surely you know what the British...!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lee, I don't know if
you can tell, but I, er,
I'm not your average
sporty kind of gal.
How did you break the washing...
Because the inside of a washing
machine's... It's quite compact.
Yeah, it's metal, innit? What broke?
So the medal is metal
and they're very heavy. Yeah.
I heard a massive bang. Right.
I tried to open it and tried to
turn off the washing machine
and I real...
You can't stop them mid-cycle.
No, but I, like, opened the door
really forcefully.
Did all the water come out?
Luckily enough, the water
just drained and then...
Are you telling us that you opened a
washing machine mid-cycle
with your force?
Yeah, and I closed the door and
do you know, like, with the power
that you have...
Has anyone not tried...?
LAUGHTER
Jayde, Jayde, she's an Olympian.
That is true. Yeah, and I put it on
stop, panicked, used all my force,
and then realised it
dented the drum.
Oh, you put your drums in there as
well?
You know the washing drum?
So, Ellie, you called Duncan 'round?
Yeah.
I lived in a rented flat at the
time, so I found him on...
Do you know that website,
Check a trade?
Yeah, yeah. I called him up and
said...
And they said, "Has your gold medal
ruined your washing machine?
"Phone this number now."
Yeah, and he came straight away
and sorted out my drum for me.
Right, and... And, erm...
What I want to know is, the damage
to the washing machine could only
be... It's only the drum that is
dented? Yeah, so he just...
I wouldn't have thought that would
have broke a washing machine.
It'd just not look good.
Well, it made it...
Ask him.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what?
We've been doing this
show for 16 years
and the rules are they're
not allowed to talk,
and nobody has had the intelligence
to use that before. That's...
All right, now, David,
remind us of your claim.
Well, this is Duncan
and he insisted that
I borrow his trainers so that
I could take part in the dads' race
at the school sports day.
How did you go to sports day
without suitable footwear?
Er, well, I had...
You sound just like his wife. Yes.
I had the footwear that I considered
suitable for what I wanted to do.
Which was? Which was not
join in with any of the sports.
I was going to go,
I was going to eat sandwiches,
I was going to make awkward
conversation with other parents,
and I was going to leave as early
as I politely could.
So how did it all start to
go wrong, then?
Well, it turns out there
were two dads' races -
one for the parents in a
couple of years, the two...
...the year above the year above my
daughter and the year above that.
Right, so say two years above
or three years above.
Two years above and then three years
above. You're right.
Are you having a breakdown, David?
Can you only count in
ones at the moment?
"A year then another year
and then another year again."
I was going to ask you
how long the race was,
but I don't want you going,
"Well, it was one metre, then it was
"another metre and another metre
and then another metre."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What size feet are you?
Er, eight. Eight? Why didn't you
borrow your child's shoes?
I'm insinuating your feet
are too small, David.
What are you going to do about it?!
You're also insinuating that my
six-year-old child
has enormous feet!
You've insulted us both!
Was Duncan"s child in the
same year as your child?
No. So that's why he had
spare shoes.
So what made him force
you to wear his shoes?
Well, because I unwisely said,
when people were saying,
"Oh, join in with the race, go on,
go on," I said, "Oh, I'd like to,
"but I'm not wearing the right
shoes and I've got a bad back."
I regret that bitterly.
I wish I'd just gone with,
"I don't want to and I will not."
Were his shoes too big
or too small for you?
Er, no. Oh.
All right, we need an answer, so,
Lee's team, is Duncan
Laurence's Changing Rooms chum,
Ellie's helpful handyman
or David's shoe sharer?
So... I just don't think that she
would get a handyman round to fix
a dented washing machine. Well,
there's one big error she's made...
What? ..that no-one picked up on.
She said she was renting.
You don't...
WOMAN LAUGHS
That's not it.
LAUGHTER
If you are renting and
your washing machine goes,
you phone the landlord. Yeah.
Oh, Monsieur Poirot, very good!
You don't phone,
you don't do your own.
I'm really good friends with my
landlord, though.
Even more reason you
should phone him!
He trusts me. He's got the
same name as you actually.
Are you my...? You could be him!
I'm not your landlord.
To be fair, Lee, when I rented
I wouldn't dare call my landlord.
Yeah, she gets on well with Lee.
Sounds like a lovely man.
Oh, no, it's David! It's David?
LAUGHTER
Unbelievable. You thought
I was David and that's Lee?
Now, what about Laurence?
I'm with the kids on TikTok, right?
And loads of Changing Room problems
are on TikTok, shaming everyone
on that show, and I reckon a story
like that would have come up.
So is TikTok, as it were,
investigating historical
Changing Rooms abuses?
We're all very concerned about it.
Yeah.
I feel like Duncan could have
lent him some trainers
cos David seems like...
I really believe that he
didn't want to play...
Oh, we believe that. Yes.
..no part in sports day.
No.
I think I'm going to go with David,
me. And what about you, Jayde?
David. I am tempted with David,
and it's not often I say that. Yeah.
You're going to say David?
Yeah. OK.
Duncan, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Duncan and I helped Laurence
design a disgusting bedroom.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well done!
Yes, Duncan is Laurence's
Changing Room chum
and, interestingly, we've
got photographic evidence.
Here is the room before
the beautiful work was done.
Here's it after the magic.
LAUGHTER
Yes!
Thank you very much, Duncan.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Mist.
I once fell asleep mid-haircut
and woke up hours later to find
the barber had gone home.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Well, interesting,
because -1 think
I might have dozed off mid-haircut.
Now, look at your haircut, David,
I think
the hairdresser dozed off,
didn't he?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Er, so you fell asleep
during the haircut?
Yeah. I get a bit of a head massage,
you know how it gets. Yeah.
But I feel like, I kind of
like the sound of the shavers.
The "zzz-zzzz-2zz2."
The buzz, the constant buzz.
Yeah. It's relaxing.
It's like, yeah, it's like the ...
Zzz-2z2--777)
You know what it's like. Yeah.
You know, you know that thing.
Like relaxing white noise.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Got it.
So, where was this?
What about the other people
in the salon, how did they react?
It wasn't a salon, it was at home.
Oh. It was a personal barber
that came round.
You have a barber that comes to your
house? Comes to the house.
So I think at that time it was quite
late, as well.
You know, "I'll come after work,"
you know what I mean?
And so, the last thing you knew, you
were in the middle of the haircut,
there's the nice... Perhaps you
could do the noise, Rob.
Well, it's something like this,
isn't it? Yeah.
Zzz-2z7--2727227-227!
I'll tell you what,
your Bruce Forsyth impression's
not getting any better, is it?
Mmm! U-uu--uh!
So, what time did you wake up?
The next day.
What?! You fell asleep like that?!
Yeah. I woke up the next day
with the apron still on,
my neck was in a bad way.
Yeah. Yeah. Um...
Was there hair everywhere
or did he Hoover? Cos that could
wake you up if he got the Hoover.
Yeah, I did that when I woke up,
I thought - it's time to tidy up.
You were in a kind of
a circle of your own hair.
Circle of my own hair.
He hadn't cleaned up the hair
at all? No.
And he forgot his apron as well.
You didn't pay him, did you?
No. Like, he would want to be paid.
I didn't even lock my door.
So you would think
he would wake you up violently.
Is that what YOU'D do?
Does it have to be violently,
does it?
I think there is
a sort of, I think there's
a grain of truth in this, and
it is very easy to fall asleep in
that kind of cossetting, comfortable
environment, but I think you're
overembellishing it a little bit
too much, so I think it is a lie.
Well, I think
my team thinks it's a lie.
Mm. You're going to say lie.
I think we'll say lie.
OK, so, Mist,
was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
...the truth. Ah! Well done.
APPLAUSE
Good man.
Next...
It's Lee.
Possession. Ah.
There's a box under the desk.
First of all, take the item out,
Lee, er, pop it on the desk
and then read out the card.
LAUGHTER
I don't find it that amusing,
I've seen it loads of times.
This is my milking stool.
I recently bought a cow.
Do I need to bother?
This is my milking stool.
I recently bought a cow,
which I keep in a nearby field,
so I can get fresh milk
for my cornflakes every morning.
Right, David's team.
So you've bought a cow?
I have. Yes. One cow?
Well, no, it's NO cows.
That's the situation.
Where is it kept?
It's kept in a nearby field -
did you not hear me say that?
Yes, but, but, but describe...
Who owns the field?
How did you get in touch
with the field owner?
Where did you buy the cow?
Why are we doing this?
So, the field is, er, it's, er,
about,
I don't know,
five minutes from my house.
By walking or driving?
A cycle. You have to cycle for...
cycle for five minutes
and then you've got all the milk
you want, up to a certain limit.
So, how do you then get the milk
home?
I've got a rucksack.
Full of milk. Full of milk, AND...
...and a stool. Great.
Yes, cos that's another question -
why don't you leave the stool
where the cow is?
Somebody might steal my stool!
Someone might steal your cow!
I would say the value of a stool,
in weight,
is worth more than a cow.
It's worth more
than its weight in cow.
It's worth than its weight in cow.
Where did you get yours from?
Er, well I got mine second-hand,
it was 300 quid.
And what about your stool,
where did you get that from?
I got that, uh,
they threw it in with the cow.
The cow is actually one of those
Highland cattle.
You know the ones
that look like Mick Hucknall wearing
a Viking helmet?
Yes. I didn't know you could milk
those. Ah, yeah.
Are you sure it IS milk?
Oh. Yeah.
What's the breed? Well, I've just
said - it's a Highland cattle.
That's not an Aberdeen Angus?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That is, er, a type of restaurant.
Have you given the cow a name?
Yes. What have you called it?
It's called Milky.
LAUGHTER, JAYDE CHUCKLES
You say you do it every single day?
Every day! And, er, where do you,
like, keep your milk,
when you do it every single day?
Well, as my family of 17
will tell you...
...we get through the milk, and also
he doesn't produce a lot of milk,
or SHE doesn't, even.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Why don't you use some of your
celebrated dramatic skills now...
Yeah. ..to recreate for us, arriving
at the field and then milking. OK.
Are you cycling in?
Go on, cycle in.
Don't forget your stool.
What? The stool's on your back.
The stool. Listen, I'm very good
at imagining a rucksack,
but I can't actually put that in it.
Not going to work, is it?
Can I just point out, by the way,
I am now riding,
I'm not milking the cow.
All right, this is good.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So I get there, I get the cow.
How do...?
MILKY! MILKY!
MILKY!
Moo-oo0.
Milky!
Milky!
Right. Er, and now the cow's there.
OK. Right. Right, and now this is
going to be difficult with my knees,
but I'll do me best.
As you say every day. Every day.
APPLAUSE
So, I get down.
Here we go.
Oh, ooh. Ooh. Goodness me.
This is a hard watch.
Every single day.
Funny enough,
that's what she says
about MY watch,
when I'm milking her.
So there I am, and then, er,
and then it's time to milk.
Milking.
Oh, sorry, Milky.
Mm.
And the way you milk a cow is
you don't, people often make
the mistake of squeezing the teat.
No.
You hold, hold, firmly,
like you'd be holding a canary.
You want to hold it firmly enough
so it won't fly away,
but you don't want to crush it.
Mm--hm.
So, you just do that,
and then instead of squeezing,
you give it a gentle pull.
Pull down.
Pull down and, oh, the satisfaction
as the milk comes pouring.
Tss. Tss.
And then you go on to the second
one.
I mean, it's quite a lot of udders,
so I could be here all day.
And then, er, "You all right,
Milky?" Yeah.
Moo-oo0.
How many, how many teats
does Milky's udder have?
You are an absolute pervert,
aren't you?
AUDIENCE: Aww!
On the back... Yeah, yeah.
Kick it off, turn it round.
And I'm home.
Well, I mean, what's it going to be,
truth or lie?
I think we think it's a lie.
Oh, I think it is. Yeah.
You're saying it's a lie. I think
we're going to have to say lie,
in order to retain some grip on
reality. Yeah, yeah.
Well, Lee,
everybody's on tenterhooks,
was it true or was it a lie?
It was, in fact,
a lie. Oh.
APPLAUSE
I mean...
It's a lie. 'Course it's a lie!
Lee doesn't milk...
If it'd just said, "This is my
milking stool," I'd have struggled.
But, oh, no, that's not enough.
Oh, no, "I recently bought a cow,"
as well, that goes with the milking
stool - OK, that's going to be
difficult. Oh, good, there's more.
"Which I keep in a nearby field,
"so I can get fresh milk
for my cornflakes!"
Has it finished?
No! It's every morning.
Yes, it's a lie,
Lee doesn't milk his own cow.
KLAXON
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?, the show with
barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
interior designer
and all-round dandy,
it's Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
APPLAUSE
And a swimmer who's a five-time
Paralympic champion, Ellie Simmonds.
CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's a rapper
and host of BBC Three's Gassed Up,
it's Mist!
APPLAUSE
And comedian and co-star
of Alma's Not Normal, Jayde Adams.
Uh, we begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Laurence is first up tonight.
Right. Hmph.
I once turned down an invitation
to meet Prince,
because I wanted to stay at home
and watch Only Connect.
Lee's team.
What's Only Connect?
Are you serious?
What is, I don't know what it is.
This is awkward.
David's wife hosts it.
Sorry.
Yeah, I, I, I'm with you there.
Thanks, Ellie.
You don't know it either? No.
Oh, well, I mean, thank you for
taking the opportunity to...
LAUGHTER
Listen, let's not leave any stone
unturned in terms of not having
heard of the programme.
Well, let's just check then, Mist,
have you heard of Only Connect?
No. I ain't, no. Oh.
LAUGHTER
Only Connect is one of the most
intelligent, uh, quiz...
is, is a fair...
A quiz, it, it is a quiz.
You haven't seen it either, have
you? Yes, I have, 'course I've seen
it.
I, I have seen it.
Only Connect hosted
by Victoria Coren Mitchell,
who inexplicably married David.
Anyway...
What was the situation where you got
invited to meet Prince?
He uh, rather fell in love
with my furniture.
It's funny, actually,
cos my dog was called Prince,
and he fell in love with
the furniture. Did he?
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
Er, but no, my office had a,
a call from Prince's people,
saying that he was coming to the UK,
doing a series of smallish tours,
er, and he wanted Laurence
Llewelyn-Bowen furniture to, to be
part of his green room experience.
Are you a big Prince fan?
I, uh, yes, actually,
back in my, my youth,
I was a really very passionate
Prince fan.
So, wouldn't that have been a big
thing for Prince to actually
purchase some of your furniture?
Huge! Absolutely enormous thing.
That quiz must've been good, innit?
Er...
He knows.
It, it is a very good quiz.
He knows.
What, what happens on Only Connect,
Laurence, no-one else answer.
That's a very good question,
actually, let's test him. So, it is,
it's sort of general knowledge.
Uh, there are hieroglyphics
involved. Name them.
Er, there is, er,
the horned viper...
Is there?
Her name is Victoria.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Ooh.
That one just slipped out.
I am so sorry. Too easy. No that,
look... Yeah.
I couldn't res..., I saw the open
goal, I had to get in before him.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, just so you know, don't ever
kneel behind the desk
in David's crotch again.
Yeah.
Er, OK, so that's true, yeah,
and where were you going to meet
him?
After one of his gigs.
And of course, that was his last
thing before, you know,
he then no longer existed, er...
So, er, you know,
we did rather miss the opportunity.
It's actually...
Please tell me you didn't do
the speech at the funeral. No.
Did he do a tour of, of Britain,
or just one venue?
He, I think this was part of a tour,
because we had to move
the furniture around to follow him.
Oh, so, the, the, the furniture went
with him,
every single green room was decked,
with this stuff. It was.
So, it was a bit
of a contract for you.
Can you not sneer when you
say this stuff? OK? Sorry.
So, basically, he's gone to you,
DFS is closed, he's...
What are we going to say?
What do you think, truth or lie?
I want to say it's a lie,
but I think it's true.
Do you? Mm. What do we think?
I'm going to say it's a lie. OK.
You say lie, you say true. True.
And I... So it's all down to you.
So, I'm going to go with Jayde.
OK.
You're saying it's true. Yes. Er,
Laurence.
Prince, truth or lie?
It is true.
Ah!
Yes, it's true,
Laurence really did snub Prince
so he could watch Only Connect.
Er, Jayde, you're next.
Whenever someone sits down next
to me in public,
I always say "boing"” out loud
just as their bottom hits the seat,
then see what happens next.
David's team. Ooh.
So, so as they sit down, does it,
does they have to be right
next to you, or...?
Or does... It, I have, they have to
be able to hear me say it.
ELLIE: Do you, do you say it
quietly, do you say it loud?
I don't think I've ever done
anything quietly in my life.
Do you want to demonstrate?
Yeah, let's have a go.
I'll, demonstrate, go on.
Lee can you stand?
Just about.
Watch this for acting.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-o0i-ng.
Oh.
And is it, is it...?
Boi-oi-oi-oi-o0i-ng.
Now that was unusual. Wow. Yeah.
Do you vary the boings according to
who's sitting down? Yes.
What would you do for David? Would
you stand up? Absolutely, go on,
David. Let's, let's try it. Yeah.
Let's let David sit and just,
just go with the flow here, Jayde.
All right, OK. Yeah. OK.
Boing!
You see, much, much perter.
I'm trying to work
out which is best.
I, I know which is best, I think
it's very clear which is best.
Oh, yeah, yeh. Jayde, Jayde, would
you, would you indulge me?
OK. Oh. Yeah.
LEE: Well, stand up, then.
I am standing up.
Boy-ing.
Was that a Welsh boing? Yes.
It's, it's quite a, quite Welsh,
it was also quite seductive.
Ellie, what do you think?
Erm, I can see it, you doing it.
D'you have to be on it,
d'you have to be focused,
so when someone
sits down they go buuung.
I just, uh,
I don't think about it that hard.
It's just... It's just if someone...
You can spot the Olympian,
can't you, though? Yeah.
You have to be on it.
You have to be focused!
"I don't really think about it,
really."
OK, David, it's time to be
a captain, to be a leader.
OK, what do you think? Erm.
Ha. Real leadership quality, there.
Yes.
I th..., I like to, I,
I would love it to be true,
but I think it might be false.
1, I, think...
Having got to know you, I
think this is absolutely
credible, I think
it's very much the truth. David?
Well, I was going to say it's
probably not the truth, cos what she
said is that every time someone sits
down next to her she goes boing.
Mm. And I don't think anyone
would do that.
OK, we're going to say it's not
true, it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK, Jayde,
was it true or was it a lie?
It's...
...a lie. Ah!
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery
guest who has a close connection to
one of our panellists. This week,
each of David's team will claim it's
them that has the genuine connection
to the guest, it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest - Duncan.
So, Laurence, what is Duncan to you?
So, this is Duncan. When I wanted to
get myself sacked from
Changing Rooms, he helped me design
a deliberately disgusting room.
Ellie, how do you know Duncan?
So, this is Duncan,
he fixed my washing machine after
I accidentally put my gold medal
through a hot wash.
And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Duncan?
This is Duncan, and he insisted that
I borrow his trainers
so that I could take part
in the school sports day dads' race.
So, there we have it, Lee.
Laurence. Yes.
Why did you want to get
sacked from Changing Rooms? Oh.
I felt that it was all
getting a bit cosy,
so I wanted to do this
sort of enormous kind of Viking
funeral room which was,
erm, spitefully ostentatious.
And you, you were deliberately,
wanting to get sacked from what
was a very big hit?
[, I'd grown bored of it, Rob,
you know. Yes.
It was the sort of like relentless
kind of sausage factory.
You can get bored doing the same
show for a long time. Yeah.
People who you initially got on with
very well, can become very grating.
LAUGHTER
What was there response, then?
So, so I remember Changing Rooms
and there, there would be the big
reveal, so how did they react?
Well, that was what was
so unbelievably irritating,
because they absolutely loved it.
I remember sitting on the floor
because there was no furniture, um,
and just a lot of rose petals,
and in fact Duncan had helped
with some incredibly erotic
murals done in what looked
like tomato ketchup and charcoal.
So he's not an interior designer,
he's more of the...?
He's more of an artist.
And did Duncan also want
to get the sack?
I don't think Duncan did
want to get the sack...
But you were going to take him
down with you? Basically, yes.
Duncan's idea was for the
rose petals as well?
Er, no, Duncan doesn't do rose
petals,
as you can plainly see. Look at
Duncan, he doesn't do rose petals!
Which of these two does rose petals?
So you're saying Duncan's an artist?
Yes, I am. Am I allowed to see
Duncan's shoes? Yes.
Just, like, if he's an artist,
he's going to have some nice
shoes on, in't he? Really?
Or at least some, like, you know,
like, you know, if he's got...
He ain't an artist.
I want to have a look...
He's got hiking boots on. No, babes.
Has he? Yeah. Mate, I love your
shoes,
but they're not artist's shoes.
Were you looking for specks
of paint on his shoes?
I was just looking for, like,
you know, I know what sort of shoe
I'm looking for in an artist
and it ain't the one he's wearing.
What is that sort of shoe?
I don't want to offend the bloke
that's there, but he ain't
your mate, and it's not an ar...
Someone who is...
who understands visual things
does not wear shoes like that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And just to be absolutely clear,
you don't want to offend him?
No!
Now, then, what about Ellie?
Just remind us, Ellie,
of how you know Duncan.
So, Duncan helped
fix my washing machine
when I put my gold medal
accidently in the wash.
So it was you that
accidentally washed it? Yeah.
I'd just come back from a
competition, so I put all my kit -
cos we go for away for months -
put all my kit in a washing machine
cos we need the clothes for,
like, meeting the Queen.
Yeah, show off.
Your medal was in the mix of dirty
clothes?
Yeah, it was, with everything.
You haven't loaned it to
Mist tonight, have you?
Cos I know I ain't putting my medal
in dirty clothes, do you know what
I'm saying?
JAYDE: So you chucked all your
kit in then, did you?
Yeah. So what colour is your kit
that you wear when you do...?
It's like red, white, blue...
Surely you know what the British...!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lee, I don't know if
you can tell, but I, er,
I'm not your average
sporty kind of gal.
How did you break the washing...
Because the inside of a washing
machine's... It's quite compact.
Yeah, it's metal, innit? What broke?
So the medal is metal
and they're very heavy. Yeah.
I heard a massive bang. Right.
I tried to open it and tried to
turn off the washing machine
and I real...
You can't stop them mid-cycle.
No, but I, like, opened the door
really forcefully.
Did all the water come out?
Luckily enough, the water
just drained and then...
Are you telling us that you opened a
washing machine mid-cycle
with your force?
Yeah, and I closed the door and
do you know, like, with the power
that you have...
Has anyone not tried...?
LAUGHTER
Jayde, Jayde, she's an Olympian.
That is true. Yeah, and I put it on
stop, panicked, used all my force,
and then realised it
dented the drum.
Oh, you put your drums in there as
well?
You know the washing drum?
So, Ellie, you called Duncan 'round?
Yeah.
I lived in a rented flat at the
time, so I found him on...
Do you know that website,
Check a trade?
Yeah, yeah. I called him up and
said...
And they said, "Has your gold medal
ruined your washing machine?
"Phone this number now."
Yeah, and he came straight away
and sorted out my drum for me.
Right, and... And, erm...
What I want to know is, the damage
to the washing machine could only
be... It's only the drum that is
dented? Yeah, so he just...
I wouldn't have thought that would
have broke a washing machine.
It'd just not look good.
Well, it made it...
Ask him.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what?
We've been doing this
show for 16 years
and the rules are they're
not allowed to talk,
and nobody has had the intelligence
to use that before. That's...
All right, now, David,
remind us of your claim.
Well, this is Duncan
and he insisted that
I borrow his trainers so that
I could take part in the dads' race
at the school sports day.
How did you go to sports day
without suitable footwear?
Er, well, I had...
You sound just like his wife. Yes.
I had the footwear that I considered
suitable for what I wanted to do.
Which was? Which was not
join in with any of the sports.
I was going to go,
I was going to eat sandwiches,
I was going to make awkward
conversation with other parents,
and I was going to leave as early
as I politely could.
So how did it all start to
go wrong, then?
Well, it turns out there
were two dads' races -
one for the parents in a
couple of years, the two...
...the year above the year above my
daughter and the year above that.
Right, so say two years above
or three years above.
Two years above and then three years
above. You're right.
Are you having a breakdown, David?
Can you only count in
ones at the moment?
"A year then another year
and then another year again."
I was going to ask you
how long the race was,
but I don't want you going,
"Well, it was one metre, then it was
"another metre and another metre
and then another metre."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What size feet are you?
Er, eight. Eight? Why didn't you
borrow your child's shoes?
I'm insinuating your feet
are too small, David.
What are you going to do about it?!
You're also insinuating that my
six-year-old child
has enormous feet!
You've insulted us both!
Was Duncan"s child in the
same year as your child?
No. So that's why he had
spare shoes.
So what made him force
you to wear his shoes?
Well, because I unwisely said,
when people were saying,
"Oh, join in with the race, go on,
go on," I said, "Oh, I'd like to,
"but I'm not wearing the right
shoes and I've got a bad back."
I regret that bitterly.
I wish I'd just gone with,
"I don't want to and I will not."
Were his shoes too big
or too small for you?
Er, no. Oh.
All right, we need an answer, so,
Lee's team, is Duncan
Laurence's Changing Rooms chum,
Ellie's helpful handyman
or David's shoe sharer?
So... I just don't think that she
would get a handyman round to fix
a dented washing machine. Well,
there's one big error she's made...
What? ..that no-one picked up on.
She said she was renting.
You don't...
WOMAN LAUGHS
That's not it.
LAUGHTER
If you are renting and
your washing machine goes,
you phone the landlord. Yeah.
Oh, Monsieur Poirot, very good!
You don't phone,
you don't do your own.
I'm really good friends with my
landlord, though.
Even more reason you
should phone him!
He trusts me. He's got the
same name as you actually.
Are you my...? You could be him!
I'm not your landlord.
To be fair, Lee, when I rented
I wouldn't dare call my landlord.
Yeah, she gets on well with Lee.
Sounds like a lovely man.
Oh, no, it's David! It's David?
LAUGHTER
Unbelievable. You thought
I was David and that's Lee?
Now, what about Laurence?
I'm with the kids on TikTok, right?
And loads of Changing Room problems
are on TikTok, shaming everyone
on that show, and I reckon a story
like that would have come up.
So is TikTok, as it were,
investigating historical
Changing Rooms abuses?
We're all very concerned about it.
Yeah.
I feel like Duncan could have
lent him some trainers
cos David seems like...
I really believe that he
didn't want to play...
Oh, we believe that. Yes.
..no part in sports day.
No.
I think I'm going to go with David,
me. And what about you, Jayde?
David. I am tempted with David,
and it's not often I say that. Yeah.
You're going to say David?
Yeah. OK.
Duncan, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Duncan and I helped Laurence
design a disgusting bedroom.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well done!
Yes, Duncan is Laurence's
Changing Room chum
and, interestingly, we've
got photographic evidence.
Here is the room before
the beautiful work was done.
Here's it after the magic.
LAUGHTER
Yes!
Thank you very much, Duncan.
APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Mist.
I once fell asleep mid-haircut
and woke up hours later to find
the barber had gone home.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
Well, interesting,
because -1 think
I might have dozed off mid-haircut.
Now, look at your haircut, David,
I think
the hairdresser dozed off,
didn't he?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Er, so you fell asleep
during the haircut?
Yeah. I get a bit of a head massage,
you know how it gets. Yeah.
But I feel like, I kind of
like the sound of the shavers.
The "zzz-zzzz-2zz2."
The buzz, the constant buzz.
Yeah. It's relaxing.
It's like, yeah, it's like the ...
Zzz-2z2--777)
You know what it's like. Yeah.
You know, you know that thing.
Like relaxing white noise.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Got it.
So, where was this?
What about the other people
in the salon, how did they react?
It wasn't a salon, it was at home.
Oh. It was a personal barber
that came round.
You have a barber that comes to your
house? Comes to the house.
So I think at that time it was quite
late, as well.
You know, "I'll come after work,"
you know what I mean?
And so, the last thing you knew, you
were in the middle of the haircut,
there's the nice... Perhaps you
could do the noise, Rob.
Well, it's something like this,
isn't it? Yeah.
Zzz-2z7--2727227-227!
I'll tell you what,
your Bruce Forsyth impression's
not getting any better, is it?
Mmm! U-uu--uh!
So, what time did you wake up?
The next day.
What?! You fell asleep like that?!
Yeah. I woke up the next day
with the apron still on,
my neck was in a bad way.
Yeah. Yeah. Um...
Was there hair everywhere
or did he Hoover? Cos that could
wake you up if he got the Hoover.
Yeah, I did that when I woke up,
I thought - it's time to tidy up.
You were in a kind of
a circle of your own hair.
Circle of my own hair.
He hadn't cleaned up the hair
at all? No.
And he forgot his apron as well.
You didn't pay him, did you?
No. Like, he would want to be paid.
I didn't even lock my door.
So you would think
he would wake you up violently.
Is that what YOU'D do?
Does it have to be violently,
does it?
I think there is
a sort of, I think there's
a grain of truth in this, and
it is very easy to fall asleep in
that kind of cossetting, comfortable
environment, but I think you're
overembellishing it a little bit
too much, so I think it is a lie.
Well, I think
my team thinks it's a lie.
Mm. You're going to say lie.
I think we'll say lie.
OK, so, Mist,
was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
...the truth. Ah! Well done.
APPLAUSE
Good man.
Next...
It's Lee.
Possession. Ah.
There's a box under the desk.
First of all, take the item out,
Lee, er, pop it on the desk
and then read out the card.
LAUGHTER
I don't find it that amusing,
I've seen it loads of times.
This is my milking stool.
I recently bought a cow.
Do I need to bother?
This is my milking stool.
I recently bought a cow,
which I keep in a nearby field,
so I can get fresh milk
for my cornflakes every morning.
Right, David's team.
So you've bought a cow?
I have. Yes. One cow?
Well, no, it's NO cows.
That's the situation.
Where is it kept?
It's kept in a nearby field -
did you not hear me say that?
Yes, but, but, but describe...
Who owns the field?
How did you get in touch
with the field owner?
Where did you buy the cow?
Why are we doing this?
So, the field is, er, it's, er,
about,
I don't know,
five minutes from my house.
By walking or driving?
A cycle. You have to cycle for...
cycle for five minutes
and then you've got all the milk
you want, up to a certain limit.
So, how do you then get the milk
home?
I've got a rucksack.
Full of milk. Full of milk, AND...
...and a stool. Great.
Yes, cos that's another question -
why don't you leave the stool
where the cow is?
Somebody might steal my stool!
Someone might steal your cow!
I would say the value of a stool,
in weight,
is worth more than a cow.
It's worth more
than its weight in cow.
It's worth than its weight in cow.
Where did you get yours from?
Er, well I got mine second-hand,
it was 300 quid.
And what about your stool,
where did you get that from?
I got that, uh,
they threw it in with the cow.
The cow is actually one of those
Highland cattle.
You know the ones
that look like Mick Hucknall wearing
a Viking helmet?
Yes. I didn't know you could milk
those. Ah, yeah.
Are you sure it IS milk?
Oh. Yeah.
What's the breed? Well, I've just
said - it's a Highland cattle.
That's not an Aberdeen Angus?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That is, er, a type of restaurant.
Have you given the cow a name?
Yes. What have you called it?
It's called Milky.
LAUGHTER, JAYDE CHUCKLES
You say you do it every single day?
Every day! And, er, where do you,
like, keep your milk,
when you do it every single day?
Well, as my family of 17
will tell you...
...we get through the milk, and also
he doesn't produce a lot of milk,
or SHE doesn't, even.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Why don't you use some of your
celebrated dramatic skills now...
Yeah. ..to recreate for us, arriving
at the field and then milking. OK.
Are you cycling in?
Go on, cycle in.
Don't forget your stool.
What? The stool's on your back.
The stool. Listen, I'm very good
at imagining a rucksack,
but I can't actually put that in it.
Not going to work, is it?
Can I just point out, by the way,
I am now riding,
I'm not milking the cow.
All right, this is good.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So I get there, I get the cow.
How do...?
MILKY! MILKY!
MILKY!
Moo-oo0.
Milky!
Milky!
Right. Er, and now the cow's there.
OK. Right. Right, and now this is
going to be difficult with my knees,
but I'll do me best.
As you say every day. Every day.
APPLAUSE
So, I get down.
Here we go.
Oh, ooh. Ooh. Goodness me.
This is a hard watch.
Every single day.
Funny enough,
that's what she says
about MY watch,
when I'm milking her.
So there I am, and then, er,
and then it's time to milk.
Milking.
Oh, sorry, Milky.
Mm.
And the way you milk a cow is
you don't, people often make
the mistake of squeezing the teat.
No.
You hold, hold, firmly,
like you'd be holding a canary.
You want to hold it firmly enough
so it won't fly away,
but you don't want to crush it.
Mm--hm.
So, you just do that,
and then instead of squeezing,
you give it a gentle pull.
Pull down.
Pull down and, oh, the satisfaction
as the milk comes pouring.
Tss. Tss.
And then you go on to the second
one.
I mean, it's quite a lot of udders,
so I could be here all day.
And then, er, "You all right,
Milky?" Yeah.
Moo-oo0.
How many, how many teats
does Milky's udder have?
You are an absolute pervert,
aren't you?
AUDIENCE: Aww!
On the back... Yeah, yeah.
Kick it off, turn it round.
And I'm home.
Well, I mean, what's it going to be,
truth or lie?
I think we think it's a lie.
Oh, I think it is. Yeah.
You're saying it's a lie. I think
we're going to have to say lie,
in order to retain some grip on
reality. Yeah, yeah.
Well, Lee,
everybody's on tenterhooks,
was it true or was it a lie?
It was, in fact,
a lie. Oh.
APPLAUSE
I mean...
It's a lie. 'Course it's a lie!
Lee doesn't milk...
If it'd just said, "This is my
milking stool," I'd have struggled.
But, oh, no, that's not enough.
Oh, no, "I recently bought a cow,"
as well, that goes with the milking
stool - OK, that's going to be
difficult. Oh, good, there's more.
"Which I keep in a nearby field,
"so I can get fresh milk
for my cornflakes!"
Has it finished?
No! It's every morning.
Yes, it's a lie,
Lee doesn't milk his own cow.
KLAXON
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING