Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 3 - Episode #16.3 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show in which it pays to be
economical with the truth.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a stand—up comic,
back for his fourth helping
of Witty, it's Chris McCausland.
APPLAUSE
And Strictly's head judge and queen
of the ballroom, Shirley Ballas.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
an entrepreneur
and the youngest ever Dragon
in the Den, it's Steven Bartlett.
APPLAUSE
And Big Brother champion turned
This Morning host, Josie Gibson.
Ah, thanks.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panel lists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
And Shirley is first up. OK.
Tom Cruise owes me 600 quid.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team. Tom Cruise owes you 600
quid? Yes.
Right. What did you used to do for
a living?
Well, first of all,
how do you know Tom Cruise?
Or how DID you know Tom Cruise?
DAVID: Or how DOES you know Tom
Cruise?
Well, it was many moons ago.
Right.
And he heard about me as a dancer.
Right. And he wanted to learn to
dance.
Ah, so you taught him how to dance?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
For a film, or just for fun?
For fun.
At the time, he was, er,
married to the tall lady.
Well, they're all tall,
he's a tiny fella.
He's a perfectly average height.
Well, actually, he was rather small,
I remember that.
Oi! I get enough of this from him.
He was smaller than you.
Was he?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what, Rob? That's such
great news,
you should have stood up
then and celebrated.
Why does he owe you 600 quid?
Is that how much you charge and he
didn't pay you?
He didn't pay me, yeah.
But how... how... what...? I mean,
I'm trying to word this correctly.
How long would I get with you for
£6007?
Well, it should have been two hours,
but he...
You're 300 quid an hour?!
Wow. That's more than you're getting
tonight.
It should have been two hours,
but it ran over because, you know,
he, he started to move those hips
and I... I got really quite into it,
you know?
Was there any sexual
chemistry there?
Oh, there's always sexual chemistry
when you dance, darling,
with anybody and everybody.
Oh, come on! We saw Ann Widdecombe
on Strictly.
APPLAUSE
All right, what are we thinking?
Josie, what do you think?
Because you still sound a tiny
little bit angry, I think it's true.
All right. Steven, what about you?
100% true. Oh. Do you think so?
Are you good in your job —
sussing out liars?
A little bit.
I actually did body language
training at one point.
Did you? No, that was a lie. See!
APPLAUSE
I was really annoyed there,
because I have done body language
training. Really?
No, I haven't, really.
APPLAUSE
1-1.
I do feel a bit better now.
OK, my team say true.
I'll go with that.
You're going to say true.
I'm not convinced.
All right, OK. So, Shirley,
was it true or was it a lie?
Beeeee!!
It's true.
APPLAUSE
It's true.
And we've got a photograph
of the two of you together.
Let's... Look at that!
APPLAUSE
Aw!
Chris, you're next.
OK, David, you're going
to read my card again, mate.
Yes. OK, here we go.
When I used to go out drinking,
I would often hide a sausage roll in
a tree near the pub...
...50 I could have
a tasty snack for the walk home.
Lee's team.
Why couldn't the sausage roll
come in the pub with you?
If I did that, then the chances are,
I would have ate it during the
night, and the idea is
that it
was a tasty treat for the walk home.
Oh, so it was to avoid
temptation? Exactly.
Did it start off hot?
No, it was always a cold
sausage roll.
OK. Because they come
completely sealed.
It's not a nice one, then,
from a freshly baked...?
It's a
horrible one in sealed plastic?
If it's spent all evening in a tree,
it's not a nice one, whatever...
That was my point, because I
pictured it in a brown paper bag,
and I thought, "Well, the squirrels,
the pigeons, the other birds."
The squirrels, the pigeons
and the other birds?!
What's wrong with that?
You mean the squirrels,
and the pigeons and other birds.
It sounds like you think
a squirrel is a bird.
No, no, no, not at all, not at all.
Squirrels... I'm very clear on what
squirrels are. I always have been.
I'm saying the squirrels,
the pigeons.
Then I thought, "I'll
list some other birds."
I thought, "We haven't got time
for that."
It's a shame you didn't feel you
didn't have time after the squirrels
and just ended it there.
But it's not just squirrels.
There's other birds as well.
There are other birds.
Was it always the same place?
Yeah. So, on the way home,
there was a corner with a nice,
thick kind of bush on a low wall,
and I'd kind of shove it in
there.
Did you ever get a situation where
you were walking a nice lady home,
it was all going very well, and then
you got to the bush,
reached in for your sausage roll
and that sort of ended that romance?
Um... If that would have ever been
the situation,
I think I would have let the sausage
roll go, mate.
Were you not concerned about insects
in a bush at night—time?
And not just insects — other birds.
I was, to be honest, which is why
I used one of the ones in the
pre—sealed plastic.
So, Chris, would you ever,
late at night, reach into the bush
and find it to be a bit manky?
Oh, keep it light.
No, I mean...
Oh, Lee. No, no, no,
I'm not... I'm not having that.
These people haven't travelled all
this way
for you to twist things around.
Did you ever reach into the bush
and think,
"Oh, this doesn't feel right"?
Did you ever reach into the bush and
think,
"Someone's been here before me"?
APPLAUSE
How far is the walk
from the pub to the sausage roll?
Oh, well, the walk home
was about, er, 15, 20 minutes.
And where did the sausage roll
come in? Halfway?
No, it was about five minutes.
Five minutes in or five
minutes from home?
Five minutes from the pub.
So you could do the five,
but you couldn't do
the full 20 without a sausage roll?
Five minutes from home, you could
have put a pudding, couldn't you?
Just something
simple like a Penguin. Yeah.
Hey, and other birds!
So, what are you thinking? Now,
Josie, how does this strike you?
I don't know how anybody would
leave a bit of food behind.
That's the...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Steven, is this something you would
ever consider doing?
I wouldn't do it. And I think
if you had a 15—minute walk home,
you probably could have
gone past a shop.
All right, so what are we thinking,
Lee?
Lie. You think it's a lie?
I think it's a lie.
He's lying. So, they think it's a
lie.
Chris, was it a lie or were you
actually telling the truth?
It was...
...a lie. JOSIE: Yes!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Chris didn't hide a
sausage roll
in a tree for his walk home.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one of
our panel lists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Vil.
APPLAUSE
So, Steven, what is Vil to you?
Um, this is Vil. He is the teacher
that un—expelled me
because I was making
the school lots of money.
Right.
Josie, how do you know Vil?
Um, this is Vil,
and I know Vil because when
I knocked on the wrong front door,
live on This Morning, he opened
the door in his wife's nightie.
Right. And finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Vil?
This is Vil.
Of all the guys in my synchronised
swimming team...
...he's the one I like the best.
So, there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?
Um. OK.
Hang on, I'm just making
a detailed note of Lee's.
So, Steven, he was your teacher?
He was my teacher, yeah.
And why were you initially expelled?
Er, very low attendance.
My attendance was like.
I don't know, 30% in school.
30%?! Yeah. Oh, right, so that's...
Now you're a millionaire.
What a message that is sending
out... to children. Yeah.
How old was you, Steven,
when you was expelled?
Er, ssss... 16.
16. Who expelled you? Was it Vil?
Er, no, it was another teacher,
um, who I probably shouldn't name.
I'll call him Mr T.
Mr T expelled me,
and then, um,
I went to Vil,
and he un—expelled me and said,
"You're not expelled, because you're
making the school money."
How were you making
the school money?
Doing kind of deals,
various deals that I'd done.
LAUGHTER
What... What sort of deal?
So, I'd negotiated the deal for
the vending machine in the school.
Yeah. The school got the vending
machine for free,
and got revenue from it.
The school had basically given me,
um,
a big, like, notice board wall,
and I used it to organise events
and parties,
and trips and stuff like that.
All right.
And why can Vil overrule Mr T?
Mr T was head of
key stage four,
and Vil was head of key stage five.
He was more senior in the school.
Vil is this chap's Christian name,
but you wouldn't have...
It wasn't one of those trendy
schools
where you call your teachers
by their Christian names?
Yeah, actually, I never
really knew his first name.
I called him, um, Mr Sprinkle.
Mr Sprinkle?
Happens to all men with age.
I mean, it's nothing to, er...
It's nothing to highlight
on national television.
There's loads of people
called Mr Sprinkle.
In fact, hundreds and thousands.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. I'm very pleased with
that.
Why did you call him Mr Sprinkle?
Er, that was... That's his name.
His name is Vil Sprinkle?
I assume there are people called
Sprinkle,
but it's not a very common surname,
so that's our starting point
before we even get into the vending
machine, expelled, un—expelled.
We just have to look into the
plausibility
of the name Vil Sprinkle.
Why are we...? Have you ever met
anybody called Vil before?
Well, I think Vil might be
the shortening
of the German form of William. That
was my guess.
So you think he might be German?
He might be German,
or he might have had a German...
Sprinkle isn't a German name.
But it could be Sprinkel, E—L,
couldn't it?
IN GERMAN ACCENT: Sprinkel?
APPLAUSE
Maybe...
Maybe Herr Sprinkel teaches German.
I've got one more question.
Oh, go on, then.
But I think being expelled from a
school is quite a big deal.
I don't think a head of a key stage
alone
would be able to make that decision.
Surely an expulsion is a decision
that the head of the school, the
head teacher,
would have to be involved in,
and so the idea that one non—head
teacher can make the call
and one other non—head teacher can
overrule it
appears to be an odd way of
structuring a school administration.
Would you not agree with that,
Steven?
No.
What about...? What about Josie?
Josie, why were you
knocking on doors on television?
Well, on This Morning,
we do a segment called Dosh On Your
Doorstep,
where I go into hiding all
morning,
and then, when it's time to pounce,
I run to the front door, knock
on the front door
and let them play
a game that they could win money.
OK. So the people in the house,
they don't know you're there?
No, they don't know that we're
going to turn up, no.
But what we should do, and maybe
I might put it to our producers,
is we should have a chat, really,
and for them to tell me
what door it is,
because we just, um... I don't know
why we don't do that,
but when we're live on air, they
just go,
"That one! That one!"
And I thought they were
pointing at one door,
and really, it was another.
Why would it have been
OK at the other door?
Because I got the wrong door.
No, you've just said the same
thing a different way.
Why was...? Were the people at the
door you were supposed to ring on
prepared for the fact that you were
going to ring on it?
They had entered.
Oh, they'd entered the competition.
Yes. I see. Everybody enters.
So anyone who's entered, they've
got to be ready in the morning,
wearing something that you would be
happy
to be televised, er, dressed in?
I think that this possibly could be
true with Mr Sprinkel,
because he was probably...
Well, hang on. In this story,
do we know he's called Mr Sprinkle
as well?
We know he's Vil. But
Sprinkle's only come from Steven.
I think he was upstairs
with his wife,
she was maybe taking a shower,
the door rings downstairs...
Wow! How'd you know all this?
Because my boyfriend did this.
And the wife says, "Go and answer
that, darling”, and he goes,
"Well, I've got no clothes on,"
so he just grabs the closest thing,
like a nightie, puts it on and goes
downstairs and opens the door.
So I think it's quite possible.
So, Josie, what happened? He...
You knock on the door...
Yeah, um, Vil opened in his wife's
nightie,
and apparently he was playing,
like, a prank on his wife,
because his wife was meant to
be coming back.
So you ring on the doorbell? Yeah.
Vil is expecting his wife,
who he's playing a prank on.
Yeah. He's surprised that it's
not his wife,
it's you with a camera crew, on live
TV.
Who speaks, and what do they say?
And I go, "Are you ready to play
Dosh On Your Doorstep?”
And he just went, "Vhat?" Just like
that.
Oh, like that? Sorry, how do you say
it? He just went, "Vhat?"
Right. So, is he German or is it
just a Ws thing?
He's... He's, um... He's a bit
German, yeah.
He's a bit German?
Now, what about...? What about Lee?
OK.
LAUGHTER
How many people are in your
synchronised swimming team, Lee?
There are ten.
Five—a—side.
Tell us about them. Well, there's
Vil,
who, I should point, isn't German.
He's in fact Dutch.
Oh, right. And he's not called Mr
Sprinkle, either.
I don't know his surname.
You don't know his surname?
I don't even know he's
Dutch — I made that up as well.
But he does like to
go in the pool with his clogs.
Um...
I had no idea that you were
synchronised swimming.
How long have you been doing this?
I don't know, 30, 40 seconds.
Yeah, no, um...
I've only just started,
only in the last couple of months.
Where do you do it? I do it in the
pool.
Where's the pool? It's the local
swimming pool,
and they started to do synchronised
swimming, and, er...
What was it about that that caught
your eye?
How did you come across it?
I think it was the idea of just
doing something,
something a bit different, and also,
I'd watched that film that you
were in about synchronised swimming.
And I thought, "Wow!
Any idiot can do it."
Because Rob was in a film
about synchronised swimming.
Yeah, I was in a film called
Swimming With Men.
Very, very good.
It's worth watching. Very nice.
Lee, tell us the name of three
synchronised swimming moves
and what they involve.
OK, you've got the, er...
You've got the, er, egg beater.
He's absolutely right!
Am I?
APPLAUSE
That is a move. That is a move.
No, it's a very,
very difficult move. In the film,
I do it in the film... Yeah, Rob,
this isn't about you, it's about me.
I'm giving you time to think.
But why is Vil your favourite, Lee?
What makes him stand out
amongst the others? Vil is like me.
He likes to take it seriously.
The others, I think,
are just there to have a laugh,
I've always been ambitious.
I've got one eye on...who knows?
Not the Olympics, obviously,
but Commonwealth Games...
You know. What does Vil do for a
living?
Vil is a, um...
He's actually a teacher.
Teacher. Really? Yeah.
Does he have the authority to
un—expel people?
Well, I did something in the pool
that I wasn't supposed to do,
and they told me I had to leave,
but he called me back and said,
"Don't worry, ignore them.
Come on, get back in."
So, talk us through, then,
a typical session.
What night of the week
do you practise? Always Tuesdays.
And what day is it? Today?
Tuesday.
It's Tuesday, OK.
So, the both of you are missing
it tonight?
APPLAUSE
It's a Tuesday, but we obviously had
the night off tonight.
All right. To promote the team.
OK.
There is eight guys out there
that are with us... Yeah.
...that are watching the show
tonight.
They've come along to watch.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP
All right.
I would ask them to all stand up,
and I guarantee they'd do it
at exactly the same time.
So, you whip your clothes off.
What happens then?
Well, then they, er... Then we get
the costume on, which... Costume?!
Synchronised swimming — you not seen
it on TV?
You don't just go in in a pair of
trunks.
We wear trunks to train,
but in the competitions,
you have to wear a costume. What's
your costume?
It's like a trunk,
but it's got a bit of vajazzle.
You've got a bit of glitter down
there. Bit of glitter down there.
A bit of sparkle. A bit of sparkle.
So you wear normal trunks to train,
but for a competition, you wear a
vajazzled...
We wear trunks with a bit of
decoration on. Of course you do!
And I've been known to wear a couple
of tassels on me nipples.
All right. We need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Vil Steven's tolerant tutor,
Josie's startled stranger or
Lee's pool pal?
Shirley?
Well, I would think I'm going to
lend towards Josie's nightgown.
Because his is just bonkers,
the synchronised swimming.
But, Shirley, he couldn't have just
invented that on the spot, could he?
No. I watch him. He's very good,
he's really quick with his mouth
and he's very good at thinking
outside the box.
That reminds me.
You owe me 600 quid!
And, um, the story about the tutor
and being expelled and un—expelled
and...
It just seems a bit far—fetched.
What about you, Chris?
Have you ruled out Lee's
synchronised swimming?
I think it's more plausible than the
vending machine, un—expelled story.
Erm... That is where I disagree with
you.
Um... I think it's probably Josie.
What do you think? I think it's
probably Josie, but I'm s...
I'm scarred by, while I sit here
and think in this moment,
is how terrified and stupid and
ashamed
and afraid and small and...
...and mortal I would feel
if it turned out to be Lee.
I am going to go for Josie, but,
you know, I'm just sharing my... OK.
...you know, fear and pain.
All right. Vil...
...would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Vil, and I un—expelled
Steven from school.
APPLAUSE
Yes. And, Vil, I have to ask you,
what is your surname?
It's Sprankel.
Are you German?
No, I'm Dutch. Dutch!
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, Vil.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
It's David.
I am not and will never be
a member of any WhatsApp group.
Lee's team.
So, still no friends.
But what... What...
Have you got a phone?
Yes, I've got a phone, yeah, yeah.
Why won't you have it?
Because it's horrible.
On my wife's phone
I hear these messages coming,
making that horrible noise
that to me sounds sort of
mildly carcinogenic.
And, you know, people sort of asking
a question
and everyone going, "I don't know,"
"Oh, yes," "Oh, good,"
"Oh, yeah," "Hi," "Yeah."
People have got to stop
communicating, it's not good for us.
And the phone's endlessly going,
just making another noise
and another noise and another noise.
It's someone going, "Yeah, great,"
or "Well done" or...
Nothing! Nothing! No need!
No need for anyone to share this.
This could be...
This is just like every...
A nod from one person to another in
the street is, as it were,
shared with 50 other people,
who all have to go, "Oh, right.
"Well, that doesn't matter.”
You know?
It's... It's destroying us.
Steven, um,
presumably you're never off it.
This is true, I'm on it all
the time.
In fact, when I started
my first business,
that was our primary communication
platform, so...
But do you see any negatives to it?
Definitesly. Definitesly?
Definitely.
Has it affected your speech?
I've forgotten how to talk.
No, definitely, yeah.
Somebody told me that they
were staying in a hotel
and if you wanted
anything from reception...
Yes, that's right,
I've been in one of those.
...you had to WhatsApp them.
Yeah, yeah.
I would just die
in that hotel room.
I would die of malnutrition.
They'd have to prise my skeletal
remains off the mattress.
You can't ring down to reception.
You've got to WhatsApp them.
All right.
Josie, I would imagine
you're at it all the time.
I wish. You're not, are you?
No, no.
No, on WhatsApp I am,
because it is free.
That's what I meant.
So, you're using this platform
yourself?
Only because it's free.
Yeah, well, that's what
they say, don't they?
If it's free then you're not
the customer, you're the product.
I never thought about it like that.
I don't think that's
the slogan for them.
So what are we going to say?
I mean, he's passionate about this.
He's passionate and I can...
I can... Um...
After listening to him,
I'm going to delete mine and all.
I think he's telling the truth
and I'm going to delete it.
Thank you. Do you know what?
After listening to David,
I don't want to speak
to anyone ever again either.
But, yeah, I think...
I think it's true.
So, you're going to say it's true.
OK, David, truth or lie?
It is of course...
...true.
Yeah! We've scored everything.
Next...
...it's Josie.
I only found out last year
that you're not supposed to eat
the red bit on the Babybels.
David's team.
Were you previously
a fan of Babybels?
I've always thought they were
all right, erm, but I've... Yeah.
I've just always thought the red
bit was the bit of cheese,
even though it didn't hardly
taste of anything.
Did you bother taking the lid off
the Philadelphia
or just go straight in?
It's got a little sticker on the
top, so I'd take the sticker off
and then I'd chomp it down. Does it
have a little sticker on the top?
I think they're wrapped in plastic
around the waxing.
No, there's a sticker on that says,
"Do not eat the red stuff on the
outside."”
What was it about the sticker
that didn't look edible?
It's a sticker, David.
OK, so you take the sticker off.
Yeah.
And then you've got the wax—covered
Babybel,
and then you just bite straight
into it? Yeah.
And when you did that,
what was your reaction?
Because it'd be quite tough,
I would have thought, that wax.
No, it's not actually that tough.
Erm, I was quite hungry,
so my reaction was like,
"Mmm, I'm not feeling that hungry
after eating this.”
So what stopped this for you?
How did you discover your mistake?
Erm, my little boy... showed me
that you had to peel it off.
He's... he's three.
Can I ask, as someone who's never
had one, how big is a Babybel?
It's about the size of an areola.
It's about the size...
SHIRLEY: What's an areola?
It's the... You don't know?
No.
Spanish goalkeeper.
Tell, explain to Shirley
what an areola is.
An areola is the bit
that your nipples sit on.
So your son said,
"Oh, hang on, Mum," and...
He went to eat one
and he opened it up
and I thought, "What are you
doing there, son?" Yeah.
And then I realised you're probably
not meant to eat that.
Shirley, what are you thinking?
Specifically, about what she said.
I can't get over the areola.
I'm still on that bit.
I don't think she's telling
the truth.
Chris, what are you thinking?
I think she's telling the truth.
Yeah, I reckon so. OK,
Yeah.
I wish I had a Babybel with me
and I could try eating the wrapper
and see if it's even plausible.
Mm. I don't know.
Well, there's four areolas here.
Yeah.
This isn't a Channel 4 show.
Right, time to decide, David.
OK. Er, true.
So, Josie, was it true
or was it a lie?
It's a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Josie didn't eat
the red bit on Babybels.
KLAXON
That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
I can reveal that Lee's team have
won by 5-0.
APPLAUSE
Thank you for watching.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show in which it pays to be
economical with the truth.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a stand—up comic,
back for his fourth helping
of Witty, it's Chris McCausland.
APPLAUSE
And Strictly's head judge and queen
of the ballroom, Shirley Ballas.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
an entrepreneur
and the youngest ever Dragon
in the Den, it's Steven Bartlett.
APPLAUSE
And Big Brother champion turned
This Morning host, Josie Gibson.
Ah, thanks.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panel lists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
And Shirley is first up. OK.
Tom Cruise owes me 600 quid.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team. Tom Cruise owes you 600
quid? Yes.
Right. What did you used to do for
a living?
Well, first of all,
how do you know Tom Cruise?
Or how DID you know Tom Cruise?
DAVID: Or how DOES you know Tom
Cruise?
Well, it was many moons ago.
Right.
And he heard about me as a dancer.
Right. And he wanted to learn to
dance.
Ah, so you taught him how to dance?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
For a film, or just for fun?
For fun.
At the time, he was, er,
married to the tall lady.
Well, they're all tall,
he's a tiny fella.
He's a perfectly average height.
Well, actually, he was rather small,
I remember that.
Oi! I get enough of this from him.
He was smaller than you.
Was he?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what, Rob? That's such
great news,
you should have stood up
then and celebrated.
Why does he owe you 600 quid?
Is that how much you charge and he
didn't pay you?
He didn't pay me, yeah.
But how... how... what...? I mean,
I'm trying to word this correctly.
How long would I get with you for
£6007?
Well, it should have been two hours,
but he...
You're 300 quid an hour?!
Wow. That's more than you're getting
tonight.
It should have been two hours,
but it ran over because, you know,
he, he started to move those hips
and I... I got really quite into it,
you know?
Was there any sexual
chemistry there?
Oh, there's always sexual chemistry
when you dance, darling,
with anybody and everybody.
Oh, come on! We saw Ann Widdecombe
on Strictly.
APPLAUSE
All right, what are we thinking?
Josie, what do you think?
Because you still sound a tiny
little bit angry, I think it's true.
All right. Steven, what about you?
100% true. Oh. Do you think so?
Are you good in your job —
sussing out liars?
A little bit.
I actually did body language
training at one point.
Did you? No, that was a lie. See!
APPLAUSE
I was really annoyed there,
because I have done body language
training. Really?
No, I haven't, really.
APPLAUSE
1-1.
I do feel a bit better now.
OK, my team say true.
I'll go with that.
You're going to say true.
I'm not convinced.
All right, OK. So, Shirley,
was it true or was it a lie?
Beeeee!!
It's true.
APPLAUSE
It's true.
And we've got a photograph
of the two of you together.
Let's... Look at that!
APPLAUSE
Aw!
Chris, you're next.
OK, David, you're going
to read my card again, mate.
Yes. OK, here we go.
When I used to go out drinking,
I would often hide a sausage roll in
a tree near the pub...
...50 I could have
a tasty snack for the walk home.
Lee's team.
Why couldn't the sausage roll
come in the pub with you?
If I did that, then the chances are,
I would have ate it during the
night, and the idea is
that it
was a tasty treat for the walk home.
Oh, so it was to avoid
temptation? Exactly.
Did it start off hot?
No, it was always a cold
sausage roll.
OK. Because they come
completely sealed.
It's not a nice one, then,
from a freshly baked...?
It's a
horrible one in sealed plastic?
If it's spent all evening in a tree,
it's not a nice one, whatever...
That was my point, because I
pictured it in a brown paper bag,
and I thought, "Well, the squirrels,
the pigeons, the other birds."
The squirrels, the pigeons
and the other birds?!
What's wrong with that?
You mean the squirrels,
and the pigeons and other birds.
It sounds like you think
a squirrel is a bird.
No, no, no, not at all, not at all.
Squirrels... I'm very clear on what
squirrels are. I always have been.
I'm saying the squirrels,
the pigeons.
Then I thought, "I'll
list some other birds."
I thought, "We haven't got time
for that."
It's a shame you didn't feel you
didn't have time after the squirrels
and just ended it there.
But it's not just squirrels.
There's other birds as well.
There are other birds.
Was it always the same place?
Yeah. So, on the way home,
there was a corner with a nice,
thick kind of bush on a low wall,
and I'd kind of shove it in
there.
Did you ever get a situation where
you were walking a nice lady home,
it was all going very well, and then
you got to the bush,
reached in for your sausage roll
and that sort of ended that romance?
Um... If that would have ever been
the situation,
I think I would have let the sausage
roll go, mate.
Were you not concerned about insects
in a bush at night—time?
And not just insects — other birds.
I was, to be honest, which is why
I used one of the ones in the
pre—sealed plastic.
So, Chris, would you ever,
late at night, reach into the bush
and find it to be a bit manky?
Oh, keep it light.
No, I mean...
Oh, Lee. No, no, no,
I'm not... I'm not having that.
These people haven't travelled all
this way
for you to twist things around.
Did you ever reach into the bush
and think,
"Oh, this doesn't feel right"?
Did you ever reach into the bush and
think,
"Someone's been here before me"?
APPLAUSE
How far is the walk
from the pub to the sausage roll?
Oh, well, the walk home
was about, er, 15, 20 minutes.
And where did the sausage roll
come in? Halfway?
No, it was about five minutes.
Five minutes in or five
minutes from home?
Five minutes from the pub.
So you could do the five,
but you couldn't do
the full 20 without a sausage roll?
Five minutes from home, you could
have put a pudding, couldn't you?
Just something
simple like a Penguin. Yeah.
Hey, and other birds!
So, what are you thinking? Now,
Josie, how does this strike you?
I don't know how anybody would
leave a bit of food behind.
That's the...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Steven, is this something you would
ever consider doing?
I wouldn't do it. And I think
if you had a 15—minute walk home,
you probably could have
gone past a shop.
All right, so what are we thinking,
Lee?
Lie. You think it's a lie?
I think it's a lie.
He's lying. So, they think it's a
lie.
Chris, was it a lie or were you
actually telling the truth?
It was...
...a lie. JOSIE: Yes!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Chris didn't hide a
sausage roll
in a tree for his walk home.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one of
our panel lists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Vil.
APPLAUSE
So, Steven, what is Vil to you?
Um, this is Vil. He is the teacher
that un—expelled me
because I was making
the school lots of money.
Right.
Josie, how do you know Vil?
Um, this is Vil,
and I know Vil because when
I knocked on the wrong front door,
live on This Morning, he opened
the door in his wife's nightie.
Right. And finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Vil?
This is Vil.
Of all the guys in my synchronised
swimming team...
...he's the one I like the best.
So, there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?
Um. OK.
Hang on, I'm just making
a detailed note of Lee's.
So, Steven, he was your teacher?
He was my teacher, yeah.
And why were you initially expelled?
Er, very low attendance.
My attendance was like.
I don't know, 30% in school.
30%?! Yeah. Oh, right, so that's...
Now you're a millionaire.
What a message that is sending
out... to children. Yeah.
How old was you, Steven,
when you was expelled?
Er, ssss... 16.
16. Who expelled you? Was it Vil?
Er, no, it was another teacher,
um, who I probably shouldn't name.
I'll call him Mr T.
Mr T expelled me,
and then, um,
I went to Vil,
and he un—expelled me and said,
"You're not expelled, because you're
making the school money."
How were you making
the school money?
Doing kind of deals,
various deals that I'd done.
LAUGHTER
What... What sort of deal?
So, I'd negotiated the deal for
the vending machine in the school.
Yeah. The school got the vending
machine for free,
and got revenue from it.
The school had basically given me,
um,
a big, like, notice board wall,
and I used it to organise events
and parties,
and trips and stuff like that.
All right.
And why can Vil overrule Mr T?
Mr T was head of
key stage four,
and Vil was head of key stage five.
He was more senior in the school.
Vil is this chap's Christian name,
but you wouldn't have...
It wasn't one of those trendy
schools
where you call your teachers
by their Christian names?
Yeah, actually, I never
really knew his first name.
I called him, um, Mr Sprinkle.
Mr Sprinkle?
Happens to all men with age.
I mean, it's nothing to, er...
It's nothing to highlight
on national television.
There's loads of people
called Mr Sprinkle.
In fact, hundreds and thousands.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. I'm very pleased with
that.
Why did you call him Mr Sprinkle?
Er, that was... That's his name.
His name is Vil Sprinkle?
I assume there are people called
Sprinkle,
but it's not a very common surname,
so that's our starting point
before we even get into the vending
machine, expelled, un—expelled.
We just have to look into the
plausibility
of the name Vil Sprinkle.
Why are we...? Have you ever met
anybody called Vil before?
Well, I think Vil might be
the shortening
of the German form of William. That
was my guess.
So you think he might be German?
He might be German,
or he might have had a German...
Sprinkle isn't a German name.
But it could be Sprinkel, E—L,
couldn't it?
IN GERMAN ACCENT: Sprinkel?
APPLAUSE
Maybe...
Maybe Herr Sprinkel teaches German.
I've got one more question.
Oh, go on, then.
But I think being expelled from a
school is quite a big deal.
I don't think a head of a key stage
alone
would be able to make that decision.
Surely an expulsion is a decision
that the head of the school, the
head teacher,
would have to be involved in,
and so the idea that one non—head
teacher can make the call
and one other non—head teacher can
overrule it
appears to be an odd way of
structuring a school administration.
Would you not agree with that,
Steven?
No.
What about...? What about Josie?
Josie, why were you
knocking on doors on television?
Well, on This Morning,
we do a segment called Dosh On Your
Doorstep,
where I go into hiding all
morning,
and then, when it's time to pounce,
I run to the front door, knock
on the front door
and let them play
a game that they could win money.
OK. So the people in the house,
they don't know you're there?
No, they don't know that we're
going to turn up, no.
But what we should do, and maybe
I might put it to our producers,
is we should have a chat, really,
and for them to tell me
what door it is,
because we just, um... I don't know
why we don't do that,
but when we're live on air, they
just go,
"That one! That one!"
And I thought they were
pointing at one door,
and really, it was another.
Why would it have been
OK at the other door?
Because I got the wrong door.
No, you've just said the same
thing a different way.
Why was...? Were the people at the
door you were supposed to ring on
prepared for the fact that you were
going to ring on it?
They had entered.
Oh, they'd entered the competition.
Yes. I see. Everybody enters.
So anyone who's entered, they've
got to be ready in the morning,
wearing something that you would be
happy
to be televised, er, dressed in?
I think that this possibly could be
true with Mr Sprinkel,
because he was probably...
Well, hang on. In this story,
do we know he's called Mr Sprinkle
as well?
We know he's Vil. But
Sprinkle's only come from Steven.
I think he was upstairs
with his wife,
she was maybe taking a shower,
the door rings downstairs...
Wow! How'd you know all this?
Because my boyfriend did this.
And the wife says, "Go and answer
that, darling”, and he goes,
"Well, I've got no clothes on,"
so he just grabs the closest thing,
like a nightie, puts it on and goes
downstairs and opens the door.
So I think it's quite possible.
So, Josie, what happened? He...
You knock on the door...
Yeah, um, Vil opened in his wife's
nightie,
and apparently he was playing,
like, a prank on his wife,
because his wife was meant to
be coming back.
So you ring on the doorbell? Yeah.
Vil is expecting his wife,
who he's playing a prank on.
Yeah. He's surprised that it's
not his wife,
it's you with a camera crew, on live
TV.
Who speaks, and what do they say?
And I go, "Are you ready to play
Dosh On Your Doorstep?”
And he just went, "Vhat?" Just like
that.
Oh, like that? Sorry, how do you say
it? He just went, "Vhat?"
Right. So, is he German or is it
just a Ws thing?
He's... He's, um... He's a bit
German, yeah.
He's a bit German?
Now, what about...? What about Lee?
OK.
LAUGHTER
How many people are in your
synchronised swimming team, Lee?
There are ten.
Five—a—side.
Tell us about them. Well, there's
Vil,
who, I should point, isn't German.
He's in fact Dutch.
Oh, right. And he's not called Mr
Sprinkle, either.
I don't know his surname.
You don't know his surname?
I don't even know he's
Dutch — I made that up as well.
But he does like to
go in the pool with his clogs.
Um...
I had no idea that you were
synchronised swimming.
How long have you been doing this?
I don't know, 30, 40 seconds.
Yeah, no, um...
I've only just started,
only in the last couple of months.
Where do you do it? I do it in the
pool.
Where's the pool? It's the local
swimming pool,
and they started to do synchronised
swimming, and, er...
What was it about that that caught
your eye?
How did you come across it?
I think it was the idea of just
doing something,
something a bit different, and also,
I'd watched that film that you
were in about synchronised swimming.
And I thought, "Wow!
Any idiot can do it."
Because Rob was in a film
about synchronised swimming.
Yeah, I was in a film called
Swimming With Men.
Very, very good.
It's worth watching. Very nice.
Lee, tell us the name of three
synchronised swimming moves
and what they involve.
OK, you've got the, er...
You've got the, er, egg beater.
He's absolutely right!
Am I?
APPLAUSE
That is a move. That is a move.
No, it's a very,
very difficult move. In the film,
I do it in the film... Yeah, Rob,
this isn't about you, it's about me.
I'm giving you time to think.
But why is Vil your favourite, Lee?
What makes him stand out
amongst the others? Vil is like me.
He likes to take it seriously.
The others, I think,
are just there to have a laugh,
I've always been ambitious.
I've got one eye on...who knows?
Not the Olympics, obviously,
but Commonwealth Games...
You know. What does Vil do for a
living?
Vil is a, um...
He's actually a teacher.
Teacher. Really? Yeah.
Does he have the authority to
un—expel people?
Well, I did something in the pool
that I wasn't supposed to do,
and they told me I had to leave,
but he called me back and said,
"Don't worry, ignore them.
Come on, get back in."
So, talk us through, then,
a typical session.
What night of the week
do you practise? Always Tuesdays.
And what day is it? Today?
Tuesday.
It's Tuesday, OK.
So, the both of you are missing
it tonight?
APPLAUSE
It's a Tuesday, but we obviously had
the night off tonight.
All right. To promote the team.
OK.
There is eight guys out there
that are with us... Yeah.
...that are watching the show
tonight.
They've come along to watch.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP
All right.
I would ask them to all stand up,
and I guarantee they'd do it
at exactly the same time.
So, you whip your clothes off.
What happens then?
Well, then they, er... Then we get
the costume on, which... Costume?!
Synchronised swimming — you not seen
it on TV?
You don't just go in in a pair of
trunks.
We wear trunks to train,
but in the competitions,
you have to wear a costume. What's
your costume?
It's like a trunk,
but it's got a bit of vajazzle.
You've got a bit of glitter down
there. Bit of glitter down there.
A bit of sparkle. A bit of sparkle.
So you wear normal trunks to train,
but for a competition, you wear a
vajazzled...
We wear trunks with a bit of
decoration on. Of course you do!
And I've been known to wear a couple
of tassels on me nipples.
All right. We need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Vil Steven's tolerant tutor,
Josie's startled stranger or
Lee's pool pal?
Shirley?
Well, I would think I'm going to
lend towards Josie's nightgown.
Because his is just bonkers,
the synchronised swimming.
But, Shirley, he couldn't have just
invented that on the spot, could he?
No. I watch him. He's very good,
he's really quick with his mouth
and he's very good at thinking
outside the box.
That reminds me.
You owe me 600 quid!
And, um, the story about the tutor
and being expelled and un—expelled
and...
It just seems a bit far—fetched.
What about you, Chris?
Have you ruled out Lee's
synchronised swimming?
I think it's more plausible than the
vending machine, un—expelled story.
Erm... That is where I disagree with
you.
Um... I think it's probably Josie.
What do you think? I think it's
probably Josie, but I'm s...
I'm scarred by, while I sit here
and think in this moment,
is how terrified and stupid and
ashamed
and afraid and small and...
...and mortal I would feel
if it turned out to be Lee.
I am going to go for Josie, but,
you know, I'm just sharing my... OK.
...you know, fear and pain.
All right. Vil...
...would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Vil, and I un—expelled
Steven from school.
APPLAUSE
Yes. And, Vil, I have to ask you,
what is your surname?
It's Sprankel.
Are you German?
No, I'm Dutch. Dutch!
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, Vil.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
It's David.
I am not and will never be
a member of any WhatsApp group.
Lee's team.
So, still no friends.
But what... What...
Have you got a phone?
Yes, I've got a phone, yeah, yeah.
Why won't you have it?
Because it's horrible.
On my wife's phone
I hear these messages coming,
making that horrible noise
that to me sounds sort of
mildly carcinogenic.
And, you know, people sort of asking
a question
and everyone going, "I don't know,"
"Oh, yes," "Oh, good,"
"Oh, yeah," "Hi," "Yeah."
People have got to stop
communicating, it's not good for us.
And the phone's endlessly going,
just making another noise
and another noise and another noise.
It's someone going, "Yeah, great,"
or "Well done" or...
Nothing! Nothing! No need!
No need for anyone to share this.
This could be...
This is just like every...
A nod from one person to another in
the street is, as it were,
shared with 50 other people,
who all have to go, "Oh, right.
"Well, that doesn't matter.”
You know?
It's... It's destroying us.
Steven, um,
presumably you're never off it.
This is true, I'm on it all
the time.
In fact, when I started
my first business,
that was our primary communication
platform, so...
But do you see any negatives to it?
Definitesly. Definitesly?
Definitely.
Has it affected your speech?
I've forgotten how to talk.
No, definitely, yeah.
Somebody told me that they
were staying in a hotel
and if you wanted
anything from reception...
Yes, that's right,
I've been in one of those.
...you had to WhatsApp them.
Yeah, yeah.
I would just die
in that hotel room.
I would die of malnutrition.
They'd have to prise my skeletal
remains off the mattress.
You can't ring down to reception.
You've got to WhatsApp them.
All right.
Josie, I would imagine
you're at it all the time.
I wish. You're not, are you?
No, no.
No, on WhatsApp I am,
because it is free.
That's what I meant.
So, you're using this platform
yourself?
Only because it's free.
Yeah, well, that's what
they say, don't they?
If it's free then you're not
the customer, you're the product.
I never thought about it like that.
I don't think that's
the slogan for them.
So what are we going to say?
I mean, he's passionate about this.
He's passionate and I can...
I can... Um...
After listening to him,
I'm going to delete mine and all.
I think he's telling the truth
and I'm going to delete it.
Thank you. Do you know what?
After listening to David,
I don't want to speak
to anyone ever again either.
But, yeah, I think...
I think it's true.
So, you're going to say it's true.
OK, David, truth or lie?
It is of course...
...true.
Yeah! We've scored everything.
Next...
...it's Josie.
I only found out last year
that you're not supposed to eat
the red bit on the Babybels.
David's team.
Were you previously
a fan of Babybels?
I've always thought they were
all right, erm, but I've... Yeah.
I've just always thought the red
bit was the bit of cheese,
even though it didn't hardly
taste of anything.
Did you bother taking the lid off
the Philadelphia
or just go straight in?
It's got a little sticker on the
top, so I'd take the sticker off
and then I'd chomp it down. Does it
have a little sticker on the top?
I think they're wrapped in plastic
around the waxing.
No, there's a sticker on that says,
"Do not eat the red stuff on the
outside."”
What was it about the sticker
that didn't look edible?
It's a sticker, David.
OK, so you take the sticker off.
Yeah.
And then you've got the wax—covered
Babybel,
and then you just bite straight
into it? Yeah.
And when you did that,
what was your reaction?
Because it'd be quite tough,
I would have thought, that wax.
No, it's not actually that tough.
Erm, I was quite hungry,
so my reaction was like,
"Mmm, I'm not feeling that hungry
after eating this.”
So what stopped this for you?
How did you discover your mistake?
Erm, my little boy... showed me
that you had to peel it off.
He's... he's three.
Can I ask, as someone who's never
had one, how big is a Babybel?
It's about the size of an areola.
It's about the size...
SHIRLEY: What's an areola?
It's the... You don't know?
No.
Spanish goalkeeper.
Tell, explain to Shirley
what an areola is.
An areola is the bit
that your nipples sit on.
So your son said,
"Oh, hang on, Mum," and...
He went to eat one
and he opened it up
and I thought, "What are you
doing there, son?" Yeah.
And then I realised you're probably
not meant to eat that.
Shirley, what are you thinking?
Specifically, about what she said.
I can't get over the areola.
I'm still on that bit.
I don't think she's telling
the truth.
Chris, what are you thinking?
I think she's telling the truth.
Yeah, I reckon so. OK,
Yeah.
I wish I had a Babybel with me
and I could try eating the wrapper
and see if it's even plausible.
Mm. I don't know.
Well, there's four areolas here.
Yeah.
This isn't a Channel 4 show.
Right, time to decide, David.
OK. Er, true.
So, Josie, was it true
or was it a lie?
It's a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Josie didn't eat
the red bit on Babybels.
KLAXON
That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
I can reveal that Lee's team have
won by 5-0.
APPLAUSE
Thank you for watching.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE