Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Episode #16.2 - full transcript
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening and welcome to
"Would I Lie To You?" -
the show that separates fact from
fiction.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
he's the self-appointed
German comedy ambassador,
it's Henning Wehn.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you.
And she's a DJ, singer
and a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race,
it's Michelle Visage.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
it's Corrie legend
and "I'm A Celebrity..." star,
Simon Gregson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And she left Holby City to
go on the run in Celebrity Hunted,
it's Chizzy Akudolu.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before -
they have no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Chizzy is first tonight.
After seeing a regression therapist,
I genuinely believe
that in a past life,
I used to be a medieval Frenchman.
David's team.
Er, a regression therapist?
Yes.
So, what's a regression therapist?
Erm, so it's a therapist
who gives you regression.
I mean, that's, that's very,
that's... Thank you for putting
those words in a different order.
More than welcome.
Um, so why is it therapeutic to be
told you were someone in the past?
Well, you, they don't tell you
who you are,
they get you to a place
where you remember who you are.
Past life regression takes a
while to get to... So how many...?
Have YOU done it? Um, I have started
to talk to my therapist about it
but it's not an easy journey, it's a
very bumpy ride to get to where
you're going, so how long did it...?
Now, that may just be your therapist
saying,
"Michelle, this is gonna
take quite a few sessions.
"At $350 a time." On the nose!
On the NHS, one session,
"Pull yourself together, thank you!"
Yeah.
So go on, then, Chizzy,
they...what do they do?
You lie on the sofa, and it's kind
of like being hypnotised, where you
get to a certain state
and, um, they start asking you
questions of what you can see.
And what, what could you see?
So, what, the first thing I saw was
I landed in this field
and they said,
"What's on your feet?" And I said,
"There are like these metal shoes,
and they're sort of pointed.”
So, armour. Yes.
Essentially the booty bit of armour.
Yes. I've never heard you sound
so butch in my life.
So I realised I was in armour
cos of the way I was walking and
then I walked towards this big
castle.
It was quite...it was ruined.
The castle was ruined completely.
So you're walking forward, "clank,
clank, clank”, you go in the castle.
More likely to be "clank, clank,
clank" once you get TO the castle,
which would probably have had
some sort of floor,
whereas the field was more
"vlub-vlub, vlub—vlub, vlub—vlub".
Yes. You walk to the castle,
"clank, clank, clank,
"CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK."
You know, and then, and then there's
like the drawbridge,
a more resonant clunk.
"Cl-clunk, cl—clunk."
Yeah. And so you get there and...
why is the castle ruined?
There's been a war.
Nothing to do with us.
Just pre—empting what would be said
next, so...
No, there's been a war
and there's also bears.
What?
There's bears.
From the Happy Mondays?
No bears, argh!
Bez from the Happy Mondays!
Oh, Bez, no - bears.
She said there was also Be-z.
Don't say it again, Rob.
I said, "From the Happy Mondays?"
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
So you're in a castle? Yes.
The castle's in ruins. Yes.
And there's bears. Yes.
What, from the Happy Mondays?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And is the idea behind this that
we were all one person before,
or we've been lots of people?
We've been lots of people before.
So, if you go for the next session,
you might get one of the other
people. Absolutely possible.
And then you sort of go,
"I want to find out what
"happened to the medieval
Frenchman." "No, you can't do that,
"you're the Greek soothsayer today."
Some parts I think of the Buddhist
faith believe that
you carry on until you've
lived EVERY life. That's it.
Wow. So, I mean...
Every life. At some point, David,
I'm going to be you.
And I'm going to do it differently.
But CAN you?
Can you do it differently?
In this system where we all get a go
at being everyone,
doesn't it all just,
the ride goes the same whatever?
You sort of think, "Actually, no,
I'm actually Lee Mack being
"David Mitchell so I'm gonna do it
more northern," but it's too late,
no, you're stuck with being
David Mitchell, you can't!
That could be happening now, you
could be doing me, I could be doing
you. I'm not doing you now, David.
I think, if you were doing yourself,
you'd be being funnier
than you are now, with ME doing you.
If 1 was doing myself now, I would
be thrown off the show again.
What about you, David, do you think
you've lived other lives, David?
No, I don't think I've lived other
lives. Do you have any time
for this poppycock? Er, I... My...
Is that your nickname for him?!
Get a room, you two!
Michelle, I think you're going true.
Hundred percent.
Right. I mean, Michelle is
so convinced that it's true...
Yeah. ..that I would then go
with Michelle.
It's not hard to believe
you went to a therapist
and lay down and closed your eyes
and had a think, and...
...out of the thinking came some
notion of clanking around and...
That would make the story true,
wouldn't it? Mmm.
I think we're going to say true.
Right.
Chizzy, was it true,
or were you telling a lie?
Oh, guys, come on!
Yeah, it's true. Ah!
Knew it!
Yes, it's true, Chizzy really does
believe
she used to be a medieval Frenchman.
Right, Simon you're next.
I once opened my curtains...
I believe you.
I once opened my curtains,
in what I thought was Manchester,
only to see Denmark outside.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER
David's team.
How did this come about?
Well, me and a friend of mine
had been out
and had, um, a long lunch
in south Manchester which ended up
with us waking up in a hotel room -
separate beds - and...
Oh, I'm sorry it didn't go better.
Thank you.
And so, how did the day end?
With my friend saying,
"Where are we?"
And me saying, "I think we're in
one of the hotels in Manchester."
I open the curtains
and I saw a ferry going past
and the...
IMITATES FERRY HORN
How did you know it was Denmark?
Did the ship say,
"Welcome to Copenhagen”?
Well, this was the thing.
It would be very confusing if a ship
said, "Welcome to Copenhagen,” on it
because wherever it went...
I wouldn't put "welcome to" anywhere
on a thing that moved.
Er, we had to ring reception
and ask the lady where we were.
So what had happened, then?
Well, we slowly pieced together
that we'd got slightly inebriated
and decided to jump on a flight
somewhere, so we rang
downstairs and asked them where
we were and they said, "Room 342."
To which I said, "No, what part
of the world are we in?"
And she told us where we were.
That's a hell of an opening
question.
"Hello, reception. Where am I?"
We then went down to reception
to clarify where we were.
So, you ring her up, she says
you're in room 342 or whatever, then
you go, "No, where in the world?"
And she says, "Copenhagen,”
and then you sort of go,
"I'm going to need to speak to you
about this face—to—face."
Simon, aren't you from Manchester?
That's why I knew ferries didn't go
down Quay Street, you see.
But why would you stay in a hotel
in the city you live in?
You're a very innocent man.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Henning, what do you think
about this? Utterly believable.
You seem very willing to accept this
sort of hedonistic behaviour,
Henning. Have you indulged
in this sort of thing yourself?
Yeah, I once, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I mean...
How do you think
he ended up in this country?!
Michelle, what about you?
There are parts of it that I believe
cos I've been with friends
on those benders, but the timeline
is just not adding up.
Well, I think your opinion
in favour of truth is stronger
than your opinion against.
I think you're correct.
So, I think we'll go with true.
Makes it very easy for you, doesn't
it? You've had to do nothing. Mmm.
Whereas YOU...
I-1 am holding the whole thing
together!
OK, they think it's true, Simon.
Was it true or was that all a lie?
Well, it was all...
...true. Wow!
Yes, Henning!
Well done, Henning.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who is telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Ben.
So, Michelle, what is Ben to you?
This is Ben, and when I judged
a dogs in drag contest,
Ben's doggy took first prize.
Right. Henning, how do you know Ben?
This is Ben, and he regularly sends
me photos to remind me
of the day I went to a railway
station
and fell down the gap.
Finally, David,
what is your relationship with Ben?
This is Ben,
and he accused me of fly—tipping
when I was actually tidying up
someone else's fly—tipping.
So, there we have it.
Michelle's pet pal, Henning's
mocking mate, or David's busybody.
Er, Lee's team,
where will you begin?
PHONE ALERT JINGLES
I just had a really good idea.
Very good.
So, Michelle, how many times
have you judged a doggy
drag competition?
Ah, a few times. You know,
this is something I love to do,
and I get, I actually get hired
by companies to do that.
Oh, on a professional basis?
On a professional level,
but this one was not professional.
And where was this?
This was on the set
of RuPaul's Drag Race.
In what country? Here. Here.
Do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race?
Yes, I do. Do you remember this bit?
No. Right, it's a lie. What s...
what series were you filming?
We were filming series three,
and it was the last day of filming.
It was for the crew,
it was not filmed on camera.
Whichever crew members wanted
to bring their dogs
and dress them up, we were
gonna have a doggy drag contest.
So, what kind of dog does Ben have?
Ben's got a labradoodle.
A labradoodle. Yes.
OK, so already a bit draggy.
Cos they're a little bit, they've
got a perm. Sure, yes, yes.
Fluffy. Yeah, and what, er,
what's the dog called?
Well, their drag names
are not their real names,
so the drag name was Cindy Pawford.
Cindy Pawford!
Nice. Do you remember what
the dog was wearing?
Did it have a big mole on her face?
It has a mole stuck on, it had fake
eyebrows stuck on, it had a wig.
Um, a little tight dress.
We had one contestant
called Grace Bones.
Yeah, and that one was really cute,
had like a little hood,
you know, like Grace Jones would
wear like, those little head...
There was another one called
Doggy Part on who had...
And she had blonde hair.
She had a hard time walking.
What do you mean she had...? They
put false boobs on her? Yeah.
Little foam false boobs.
Was there 12 of them?
Or just the two?
There was not 12,
it was just the two.
What does that mean?
He was talking about the teats.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
DAVID: Yeah, dogs have
more nipples than we do!
That's why
we always have envied them. Yeah.
Did you say that this dog won?
This dog, his dog won the prize,
yes.
What was the prize? Cindy Pawford.
It was a golden bone statue that was
made by the art department.
Was it phallic?
Um, well,
I didn't pay attention to that, Lee.
Well, was it a bone upright
on a stand? Yeah. It's phallic.
All right, now,
who would you like to quiz next?
Henning. Just remind us, Henning,
of, of your claim.
This is Ben.
He regularly sends me photos
to remind me of the day I went...
...to a train station
and fell down the gap.
Ooh.
Have you never heard the announcers
say, "Mind the gap"?
They didn't,
and that's the reason
why I fell down the gap.
Where was the train station?
Somewhere out in the sticks.
What time of the day was this?
Daytime.
So, daytime in the sticks,
well, that's very specific.
And why did you fall in the gap?
It wasn't my fault,
because, as Simon pointed out,
no—one said, "Mind the gap."
Henning, Henning, Henning. Paint us
a full picture of the event.
You're at the station
to catch a train.
What happens?
They didn't make an announcement
saying, "Mind the gap,"
and then... It's not my fault at
that point, is it?
Yeah, yes, I understand that,
we're not saying it's your fault.
Er, I wasn't alone.
But I was with my bicycle.
Right.
OK, so again, what...happened?
Listen. How many more times?
There was no announcement. No.
No, no, no, Henning, Henning.
That's WHY it happened.
Now what happened?
Oh, yeah, very good.
Very good.
I tried to wheel the bicycle
on to the train.
Yeah. The bike got caught
in the gap.
Wheel spins round.
You name it.
What? You name it?
No, Henning, YOU name it!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The front wheel spins round,
I then put my foot forward
to balance myself out.
Yeah. And my whole leg disappeared.
Right. So, your leg, platform,
train, your leg is now down the gap.
Yeah. Does anything else
fall down the gap?
My self—esteem.
Where does Ben fit into this?
Who is he in relation to you?
He's my mate, Ben,
"who regularly sends me photos to
remind me of the day
"I went to a railway station
and fell down the gap."
OK. First of all,
why was Ben with you on this day?
But he wasn't. But he sends
pictures. You'd never met him
up until this point?
I've met Ben many a time,
but that's got nothing to do with
what happened on the day. Right.
So, why was he with you that day?
He wasn't, he wasn't! He wasn't!
So how does he send you...?
Where are the pictures from?!
YOU took photographs of it?!
NO! Who did?!
Who's taking pictures?
Let's not get involved in that.
No, let's.
Let's get involved in that.
Who took the photos?
That is neither here nor there,
honestly.
I just need a name.
Who took the photos?
Nigel.
So, Nigel has taken the photograph,
and Ben is also a friend of Nigel's,
and now Ben has got
hold of the photograph,
and he keeps sending them to you?
And he really, really enjoys
to regularly send me
pictures of himself on a train,
say, when the doors are open,
then Ben will send me a photo
with the door open, going, "Help."
Or "What to do now?"” And, er...
And how many times has he sent
the photo?
Well,
whenever he is in a predicament.
What do you mean?!
David, explain to them what I mean.
DAVID: No, I just want to say,
I'm going to speak on behalf of him.
HENNING: Thank you. Right.
Um, but firstly I want to
reiterate that Ben caught me
fly—tipping but I wasn't
fly—tipping,
but anyway, what Henning is
saying is that every time Ben is
on a train or getting off a train,
or in a train—themed scenario,
he sends a jokey picture
to mock Henning
for his stupidity
at falling down the gap
at a train station, merely because
on one occasion it wasn't an act.
But that's not what he read earlier.
Read it again. Read it again. Yeah.
"This is Ben."
Carry on. "He regularly..."
Yeah. Yes, yes!
"..Regularly sends me photos
"to remind me of the day
"I went to a railway station,
"choo choo, and fell down the gap."
And that is the last thing
I say on that matter,
now please deal with David.
No, no, no!
All right. Are you happy now to
move on? Yeah. Hmm. Yeah.
All right, now, so, David, remind
us, it was a while ago.
Oh, I know, yes.
How do you know Ben?
Well, cos I think
he sends pictures to Henning.
Er, no, he accused me of
fly —tipping.
Oh, yes. But I was, in fact, tidying
up someone else's fly—tipping.
Right. And where was this?
It was in the, er,
English countryside.
OK, who were you with?
Er, my parents. Was this recently?
Yes. And what were they doing,
dumping YOU at the road? No, they...
...er, my dad was helping me
put these items in the boot
of their car.
What kind of car has your dad got?
An estate car, it's an Audi.
And what were you doing? What were
you gonna do with it - take it home?
Uh, just, yes. My dad was going to
the tip, er, later that week,
he had some of his own rubbish
to get rid of responsibly,
and he said,
"Well, I can take that with me."
So when your dad plans
a trip to the tip,
if he sees rubbish that belongs
to other people,
like a Womble, he'll go and grab
that as well?
But he wouldn't take it
if it belonged to a Womble,
because famously Wombles make
use of that sort of thing, so...
And why were you on this road
with your parents?
You're a grown man -
why were you...?
I was, well, well, you know
when you turn 18
and your parents no longer have any
legal responsibility for you?
Yes. Well, my parents and I,
we decided to keep in touch.
No, but why...?
And that's, and that's lovely!
I don't know why,
what was the occasion
that you were in the car with them?
And it was just you, not your wife,
not the child, just you?
No, no, we'd been out
for a pub lunch and he said,
"Well, that's not very nice there."
I said, "That's not very nice,
you're right, it isn't very nice."
Thinking... Did your mum join in
and say, "It's not very nice"?
And the dog went...
HE BARKS: "It's not very nice"?
I expect so.
They haven't got a dog.
But the parrot, who CAN talk...
What did he say?
He's said...
HE SQUAWKS: "I think it's harmless!"
Yeah.
So your dad,
your dad screeches to a halt.
Yes. And you hop out of
the car, and you start...
Well, yeah, I get out with a groan.
You're in the back, so you're
sitting in the back? Yes. I am.
Your parents are in the front,
that's not easy for a grown man.
What am I supposed to do -
insist my mother sits in the back?
I think your mum would've sat in the
back if you'd have sat on her knee.
How else is she supposed
to breast—feed you?!
It's how I always picture you,
David.
Your dad looks in the mirror and
went, "Oh, that's not very nice."
So anyway.
You have to ruin everything,
don't you?!
How does Ben appear -
who is he, what's he doing?
As if by magic,
he drives up in a car,
another car, can you imagine?
It's, you know, turning out
to be quite a busy road.
Um, and he, er,
he winds down the window
and said, "What are you doing?!
Really? Yeah.
Initially he was quite cross.
So, he said,
"What are you doing?" and you said,
"We're moving this stuff."
"We're getting rid of it." We said,
"We didn't like it, we didn't leave
"it here, we didn't like it being
there, we're getting rid of it, cos
"my dad's going to the tip."
But I am allowing the fact...
"My dad's going to the tip."
Did you pull up your short trousers
by the belt?
I was wearing my adult clothes.
So, you loaded up the car? Yes.
In front of him.
He didn't hang around for the entire
loading - he believed us.
How full was your dad's car
at the end of the journey?
We didn't stop at other places,
we weren't on the lookout for more,
we just happened to have passed
this thing, the boot was empty,
my dad said he was going to the tip,
er, in a few days.
AS DAVID: My dad's going to the tip.
My dad's...
Hello. My dad's going to the tip.
He said, he said if I'm very good,
I can go, too.
But I will have to stay in the car.
It's done affectionately.
Yes, thank you.
Right. We need an answer.
So, Lee's team,
is Ben Michelle's pet pal,
Henning's mocking mate,
or David's busybody?
I believe Michelle has
professionally judged
competitions where dogs dress up.
Do I believe that professionally,
would someone be paid for that? Mm!
SIMON: Yeah, in this day and age,
defo. Yeah.
We get paid for doing THIS.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, you DO? Yeah, yeah.
Honestly, Rob,
you should ask about it.
Ah, it's difficult, isn't it?
Because...
David's...
You see, hang on, hang on.
Is there enough room - what was
the car again? Audi estate.
So we're not putting
the back seats down,
because David's in the back seats.
Those cars, you can put one of the
seats down in the back and you...
Was one of the seats down at
the back, David?
No. Cos obviously, I've got
my teddy on the other seat
in the back.
Was Teddy looking forward
to the trip to the tip as well?
OK, come on then.
Who are you...who is it?
Do we want to go Henning? You want
to go Henning? I don't know.
I kind of want to go Henning.
Yeah, let's go Henning, then.
I think he double—bluffed his way
through the whole thing. OK.
So, you think it's Henning?
Ben, would you please reveal
your true identity.
I'm Ben and, yes,
it is Henning I send photos to.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, Ben IS Henning's mocking mate.
And, rather excitingly, we have some
photographic evidence.
Let's... There is Henning.
Now, that's Nigel's picture. Yeah.
OK? And then here's one now,
one of the pictures that Ben
then started sending, you see.
So, that's Ben...
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
You see? Isn't that good?
And I think we have another.
LAUGHTER
Well, that is splendid,
thank you very much, Ben.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lee.
When I was trying to sell my house,
I once put on a disguise and
viewed it undercover, so I could see
if the estate agent was any good.
Mm. David's team.
Er, true.
So describe the disguise.
Have you seen, er,
RuPaul's Drag Race?
The disguise was, er, I,
first of all, I shaved my beard off.
When WAS this, then? Er,
when did I last not have a beard?
I'd say...five years ago.
Five years ago. Mm.
And you've moved house
since then, have you?
Might have been seven years ago.
OK.
Was that your disquise?
You shaved your beard?
No, there was more to it than that.
Go on, then. OK.
I put a false a beard on.
So, I...I shaved my beard off.
Yeah. I put a wig on.
Yeah. Put a pair of glasses on,
where they're really thick
and make your eyes look massive,
so, I've got massive eyes,
demi—wave, no beard. Yeah?
And when you got there,
did the estate agent say,
"Oh, hello, Mr Mack"?
No, no, he didn't, not at all,
he didn't recognise me at all.
Did you do one of your voices?
I did do one of my voices, yeah.
Which voice did you do?
I did Michael Caine. You did Mi...
So, why don't you imagine
that Simon, one of our
highest—regarded actors...
Yeah. ..he is the estate agent. OK.
And you are going now
for a viewing... Yeah.
...of the house, so Simon's opening
the door, and there you are.
Hello? Sorry, I would've rang the
bell, but I know it's not working.
AS MICHAEL CAINE: I wanna have
a look round the house.
First, I'd like to start
in the kitchen.
Come this way.
I'm sorry about all the mess -
the previous owner is a little
bit of a tramp.
Whoa—ho-ho!
But I've heard the current owner
is OK.
How did you know he owns currants?
Cos we once had a date.
Is that exactly how it went?
No, no, there was more. Oh.
It seemed like a fair way
from the station.
Er, there's NO golf course,
er, between here and the station.
APPLAUSE
That was on par with your last one.
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Right, Michelle,
what are you thinking?
I mean, I would do that.
I think that's brilliant,
if you want to see
how your house is being sold.
What do you think, Henning? True?
No. No. No, you don't think true.
Not in a million years.
I mean, I think he might,
but I actually think
what he would do is he'd get someone
else to go on his behalf. Mm.
So, you're saying it's a lie? Yeah.
Lee, was it true
or were you telling us a lie?
Lie. Mm.
Yes, it's a lie, Lee didn't view
his own house In disguise.
KLAXON
Ooh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
have won by 3 points to 1.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
That is the lowest score
I've ever had.
Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time. Goodnight.
Good evening and welcome to
"Would I Lie To You?" -
the show that separates fact from
fiction.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
he's the self-appointed
German comedy ambassador,
it's Henning Wehn.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you.
And she's a DJ, singer
and a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race,
it's Michelle Visage.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
it's Corrie legend
and "I'm A Celebrity..." star,
Simon Gregson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And she left Holby City to
go on the run in Celebrity Hunted,
it's Chizzy Akudolu.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before -
they have no idea what they'll
be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Chizzy is first tonight.
After seeing a regression therapist,
I genuinely believe
that in a past life,
I used to be a medieval Frenchman.
David's team.
Er, a regression therapist?
Yes.
So, what's a regression therapist?
Erm, so it's a therapist
who gives you regression.
I mean, that's, that's very,
that's... Thank you for putting
those words in a different order.
More than welcome.
Um, so why is it therapeutic to be
told you were someone in the past?
Well, you, they don't tell you
who you are,
they get you to a place
where you remember who you are.
Past life regression takes a
while to get to... So how many...?
Have YOU done it? Um, I have started
to talk to my therapist about it
but it's not an easy journey, it's a
very bumpy ride to get to where
you're going, so how long did it...?
Now, that may just be your therapist
saying,
"Michelle, this is gonna
take quite a few sessions.
"At $350 a time." On the nose!
On the NHS, one session,
"Pull yourself together, thank you!"
Yeah.
So go on, then, Chizzy,
they...what do they do?
You lie on the sofa, and it's kind
of like being hypnotised, where you
get to a certain state
and, um, they start asking you
questions of what you can see.
And what, what could you see?
So, what, the first thing I saw was
I landed in this field
and they said,
"What's on your feet?" And I said,
"There are like these metal shoes,
and they're sort of pointed.”
So, armour. Yes.
Essentially the booty bit of armour.
Yes. I've never heard you sound
so butch in my life.
So I realised I was in armour
cos of the way I was walking and
then I walked towards this big
castle.
It was quite...it was ruined.
The castle was ruined completely.
So you're walking forward, "clank,
clank, clank”, you go in the castle.
More likely to be "clank, clank,
clank" once you get TO the castle,
which would probably have had
some sort of floor,
whereas the field was more
"vlub-vlub, vlub—vlub, vlub—vlub".
Yes. You walk to the castle,
"clank, clank, clank,
"CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK."
You know, and then, and then there's
like the drawbridge,
a more resonant clunk.
"Cl-clunk, cl—clunk."
Yeah. And so you get there and...
why is the castle ruined?
There's been a war.
Nothing to do with us.
Just pre—empting what would be said
next, so...
No, there's been a war
and there's also bears.
What?
There's bears.
From the Happy Mondays?
No bears, argh!
Bez from the Happy Mondays!
Oh, Bez, no - bears.
She said there was also Be-z.
Don't say it again, Rob.
I said, "From the Happy Mondays?"
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
So you're in a castle? Yes.
The castle's in ruins. Yes.
And there's bears. Yes.
What, from the Happy Mondays?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And is the idea behind this that
we were all one person before,
or we've been lots of people?
We've been lots of people before.
So, if you go for the next session,
you might get one of the other
people. Absolutely possible.
And then you sort of go,
"I want to find out what
"happened to the medieval
Frenchman." "No, you can't do that,
"you're the Greek soothsayer today."
Some parts I think of the Buddhist
faith believe that
you carry on until you've
lived EVERY life. That's it.
Wow. So, I mean...
Every life. At some point, David,
I'm going to be you.
And I'm going to do it differently.
But CAN you?
Can you do it differently?
In this system where we all get a go
at being everyone,
doesn't it all just,
the ride goes the same whatever?
You sort of think, "Actually, no,
I'm actually Lee Mack being
"David Mitchell so I'm gonna do it
more northern," but it's too late,
no, you're stuck with being
David Mitchell, you can't!
That could be happening now, you
could be doing me, I could be doing
you. I'm not doing you now, David.
I think, if you were doing yourself,
you'd be being funnier
than you are now, with ME doing you.
If 1 was doing myself now, I would
be thrown off the show again.
What about you, David, do you think
you've lived other lives, David?
No, I don't think I've lived other
lives. Do you have any time
for this poppycock? Er, I... My...
Is that your nickname for him?!
Get a room, you two!
Michelle, I think you're going true.
Hundred percent.
Right. I mean, Michelle is
so convinced that it's true...
Yeah. ..that I would then go
with Michelle.
It's not hard to believe
you went to a therapist
and lay down and closed your eyes
and had a think, and...
...out of the thinking came some
notion of clanking around and...
That would make the story true,
wouldn't it? Mmm.
I think we're going to say true.
Right.
Chizzy, was it true,
or were you telling a lie?
Oh, guys, come on!
Yeah, it's true. Ah!
Knew it!
Yes, it's true, Chizzy really does
believe
she used to be a medieval Frenchman.
Right, Simon you're next.
I once opened my curtains...
I believe you.
I once opened my curtains,
in what I thought was Manchester,
only to see Denmark outside.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER
David's team.
How did this come about?
Well, me and a friend of mine
had been out
and had, um, a long lunch
in south Manchester which ended up
with us waking up in a hotel room -
separate beds - and...
Oh, I'm sorry it didn't go better.
Thank you.
And so, how did the day end?
With my friend saying,
"Where are we?"
And me saying, "I think we're in
one of the hotels in Manchester."
I open the curtains
and I saw a ferry going past
and the...
IMITATES FERRY HORN
How did you know it was Denmark?
Did the ship say,
"Welcome to Copenhagen”?
Well, this was the thing.
It would be very confusing if a ship
said, "Welcome to Copenhagen,” on it
because wherever it went...
I wouldn't put "welcome to" anywhere
on a thing that moved.
Er, we had to ring reception
and ask the lady where we were.
So what had happened, then?
Well, we slowly pieced together
that we'd got slightly inebriated
and decided to jump on a flight
somewhere, so we rang
downstairs and asked them where
we were and they said, "Room 342."
To which I said, "No, what part
of the world are we in?"
And she told us where we were.
That's a hell of an opening
question.
"Hello, reception. Where am I?"
We then went down to reception
to clarify where we were.
So, you ring her up, she says
you're in room 342 or whatever, then
you go, "No, where in the world?"
And she says, "Copenhagen,”
and then you sort of go,
"I'm going to need to speak to you
about this face—to—face."
Simon, aren't you from Manchester?
That's why I knew ferries didn't go
down Quay Street, you see.
But why would you stay in a hotel
in the city you live in?
You're a very innocent man.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Henning, what do you think
about this? Utterly believable.
You seem very willing to accept this
sort of hedonistic behaviour,
Henning. Have you indulged
in this sort of thing yourself?
Yeah, I once, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I mean...
How do you think
he ended up in this country?!
Michelle, what about you?
There are parts of it that I believe
cos I've been with friends
on those benders, but the timeline
is just not adding up.
Well, I think your opinion
in favour of truth is stronger
than your opinion against.
I think you're correct.
So, I think we'll go with true.
Makes it very easy for you, doesn't
it? You've had to do nothing. Mmm.
Whereas YOU...
I-1 am holding the whole thing
together!
OK, they think it's true, Simon.
Was it true or was that all a lie?
Well, it was all...
...true. Wow!
Yes, Henning!
Well done, Henning.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who is telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Ben.
So, Michelle, what is Ben to you?
This is Ben, and when I judged
a dogs in drag contest,
Ben's doggy took first prize.
Right. Henning, how do you know Ben?
This is Ben, and he regularly sends
me photos to remind me
of the day I went to a railway
station
and fell down the gap.
Finally, David,
what is your relationship with Ben?
This is Ben,
and he accused me of fly—tipping
when I was actually tidying up
someone else's fly—tipping.
So, there we have it.
Michelle's pet pal, Henning's
mocking mate, or David's busybody.
Er, Lee's team,
where will you begin?
PHONE ALERT JINGLES
I just had a really good idea.
Very good.
So, Michelle, how many times
have you judged a doggy
drag competition?
Ah, a few times. You know,
this is something I love to do,
and I get, I actually get hired
by companies to do that.
Oh, on a professional basis?
On a professional level,
but this one was not professional.
And where was this?
This was on the set
of RuPaul's Drag Race.
In what country? Here. Here.
Do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race?
Yes, I do. Do you remember this bit?
No. Right, it's a lie. What s...
what series were you filming?
We were filming series three,
and it was the last day of filming.
It was for the crew,
it was not filmed on camera.
Whichever crew members wanted
to bring their dogs
and dress them up, we were
gonna have a doggy drag contest.
So, what kind of dog does Ben have?
Ben's got a labradoodle.
A labradoodle. Yes.
OK, so already a bit draggy.
Cos they're a little bit, they've
got a perm. Sure, yes, yes.
Fluffy. Yeah, and what, er,
what's the dog called?
Well, their drag names
are not their real names,
so the drag name was Cindy Pawford.
Cindy Pawford!
Nice. Do you remember what
the dog was wearing?
Did it have a big mole on her face?
It has a mole stuck on, it had fake
eyebrows stuck on, it had a wig.
Um, a little tight dress.
We had one contestant
called Grace Bones.
Yeah, and that one was really cute,
had like a little hood,
you know, like Grace Jones would
wear like, those little head...
There was another one called
Doggy Part on who had...
And she had blonde hair.
She had a hard time walking.
What do you mean she had...? They
put false boobs on her? Yeah.
Little foam false boobs.
Was there 12 of them?
Or just the two?
There was not 12,
it was just the two.
What does that mean?
He was talking about the teats.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
DAVID: Yeah, dogs have
more nipples than we do!
That's why
we always have envied them. Yeah.
Did you say that this dog won?
This dog, his dog won the prize,
yes.
What was the prize? Cindy Pawford.
It was a golden bone statue that was
made by the art department.
Was it phallic?
Um, well,
I didn't pay attention to that, Lee.
Well, was it a bone upright
on a stand? Yeah. It's phallic.
All right, now,
who would you like to quiz next?
Henning. Just remind us, Henning,
of, of your claim.
This is Ben.
He regularly sends me photos
to remind me of the day I went...
...to a train station
and fell down the gap.
Ooh.
Have you never heard the announcers
say, "Mind the gap"?
They didn't,
and that's the reason
why I fell down the gap.
Where was the train station?
Somewhere out in the sticks.
What time of the day was this?
Daytime.
So, daytime in the sticks,
well, that's very specific.
And why did you fall in the gap?
It wasn't my fault,
because, as Simon pointed out,
no—one said, "Mind the gap."
Henning, Henning, Henning. Paint us
a full picture of the event.
You're at the station
to catch a train.
What happens?
They didn't make an announcement
saying, "Mind the gap,"
and then... It's not my fault at
that point, is it?
Yeah, yes, I understand that,
we're not saying it's your fault.
Er, I wasn't alone.
But I was with my bicycle.
Right.
OK, so again, what...happened?
Listen. How many more times?
There was no announcement. No.
No, no, no, Henning, Henning.
That's WHY it happened.
Now what happened?
Oh, yeah, very good.
Very good.
I tried to wheel the bicycle
on to the train.
Yeah. The bike got caught
in the gap.
Wheel spins round.
You name it.
What? You name it?
No, Henning, YOU name it!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The front wheel spins round,
I then put my foot forward
to balance myself out.
Yeah. And my whole leg disappeared.
Right. So, your leg, platform,
train, your leg is now down the gap.
Yeah. Does anything else
fall down the gap?
My self—esteem.
Where does Ben fit into this?
Who is he in relation to you?
He's my mate, Ben,
"who regularly sends me photos to
remind me of the day
"I went to a railway station
and fell down the gap."
OK. First of all,
why was Ben with you on this day?
But he wasn't. But he sends
pictures. You'd never met him
up until this point?
I've met Ben many a time,
but that's got nothing to do with
what happened on the day. Right.
So, why was he with you that day?
He wasn't, he wasn't! He wasn't!
So how does he send you...?
Where are the pictures from?!
YOU took photographs of it?!
NO! Who did?!
Who's taking pictures?
Let's not get involved in that.
No, let's.
Let's get involved in that.
Who took the photos?
That is neither here nor there,
honestly.
I just need a name.
Who took the photos?
Nigel.
So, Nigel has taken the photograph,
and Ben is also a friend of Nigel's,
and now Ben has got
hold of the photograph,
and he keeps sending them to you?
And he really, really enjoys
to regularly send me
pictures of himself on a train,
say, when the doors are open,
then Ben will send me a photo
with the door open, going, "Help."
Or "What to do now?"” And, er...
And how many times has he sent
the photo?
Well,
whenever he is in a predicament.
What do you mean?!
David, explain to them what I mean.
DAVID: No, I just want to say,
I'm going to speak on behalf of him.
HENNING: Thank you. Right.
Um, but firstly I want to
reiterate that Ben caught me
fly—tipping but I wasn't
fly—tipping,
but anyway, what Henning is
saying is that every time Ben is
on a train or getting off a train,
or in a train—themed scenario,
he sends a jokey picture
to mock Henning
for his stupidity
at falling down the gap
at a train station, merely because
on one occasion it wasn't an act.
But that's not what he read earlier.
Read it again. Read it again. Yeah.
"This is Ben."
Carry on. "He regularly..."
Yeah. Yes, yes!
"..Regularly sends me photos
"to remind me of the day
"I went to a railway station,
"choo choo, and fell down the gap."
And that is the last thing
I say on that matter,
now please deal with David.
No, no, no!
All right. Are you happy now to
move on? Yeah. Hmm. Yeah.
All right, now, so, David, remind
us, it was a while ago.
Oh, I know, yes.
How do you know Ben?
Well, cos I think
he sends pictures to Henning.
Er, no, he accused me of
fly —tipping.
Oh, yes. But I was, in fact, tidying
up someone else's fly—tipping.
Right. And where was this?
It was in the, er,
English countryside.
OK, who were you with?
Er, my parents. Was this recently?
Yes. And what were they doing,
dumping YOU at the road? No, they...
...er, my dad was helping me
put these items in the boot
of their car.
What kind of car has your dad got?
An estate car, it's an Audi.
And what were you doing? What were
you gonna do with it - take it home?
Uh, just, yes. My dad was going to
the tip, er, later that week,
he had some of his own rubbish
to get rid of responsibly,
and he said,
"Well, I can take that with me."
So when your dad plans
a trip to the tip,
if he sees rubbish that belongs
to other people,
like a Womble, he'll go and grab
that as well?
But he wouldn't take it
if it belonged to a Womble,
because famously Wombles make
use of that sort of thing, so...
And why were you on this road
with your parents?
You're a grown man -
why were you...?
I was, well, well, you know
when you turn 18
and your parents no longer have any
legal responsibility for you?
Yes. Well, my parents and I,
we decided to keep in touch.
No, but why...?
And that's, and that's lovely!
I don't know why,
what was the occasion
that you were in the car with them?
And it was just you, not your wife,
not the child, just you?
No, no, we'd been out
for a pub lunch and he said,
"Well, that's not very nice there."
I said, "That's not very nice,
you're right, it isn't very nice."
Thinking... Did your mum join in
and say, "It's not very nice"?
And the dog went...
HE BARKS: "It's not very nice"?
I expect so.
They haven't got a dog.
But the parrot, who CAN talk...
What did he say?
He's said...
HE SQUAWKS: "I think it's harmless!"
Yeah.
So your dad,
your dad screeches to a halt.
Yes. And you hop out of
the car, and you start...
Well, yeah, I get out with a groan.
You're in the back, so you're
sitting in the back? Yes. I am.
Your parents are in the front,
that's not easy for a grown man.
What am I supposed to do -
insist my mother sits in the back?
I think your mum would've sat in the
back if you'd have sat on her knee.
How else is she supposed
to breast—feed you?!
It's how I always picture you,
David.
Your dad looks in the mirror and
went, "Oh, that's not very nice."
So anyway.
You have to ruin everything,
don't you?!
How does Ben appear -
who is he, what's he doing?
As if by magic,
he drives up in a car,
another car, can you imagine?
It's, you know, turning out
to be quite a busy road.
Um, and he, er,
he winds down the window
and said, "What are you doing?!
Really? Yeah.
Initially he was quite cross.
So, he said,
"What are you doing?" and you said,
"We're moving this stuff."
"We're getting rid of it." We said,
"We didn't like it, we didn't leave
"it here, we didn't like it being
there, we're getting rid of it, cos
"my dad's going to the tip."
But I am allowing the fact...
"My dad's going to the tip."
Did you pull up your short trousers
by the belt?
I was wearing my adult clothes.
So, you loaded up the car? Yes.
In front of him.
He didn't hang around for the entire
loading - he believed us.
How full was your dad's car
at the end of the journey?
We didn't stop at other places,
we weren't on the lookout for more,
we just happened to have passed
this thing, the boot was empty,
my dad said he was going to the tip,
er, in a few days.
AS DAVID: My dad's going to the tip.
My dad's...
Hello. My dad's going to the tip.
He said, he said if I'm very good,
I can go, too.
But I will have to stay in the car.
It's done affectionately.
Yes, thank you.
Right. We need an answer.
So, Lee's team,
is Ben Michelle's pet pal,
Henning's mocking mate,
or David's busybody?
I believe Michelle has
professionally judged
competitions where dogs dress up.
Do I believe that professionally,
would someone be paid for that? Mm!
SIMON: Yeah, in this day and age,
defo. Yeah.
We get paid for doing THIS.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, you DO? Yeah, yeah.
Honestly, Rob,
you should ask about it.
Ah, it's difficult, isn't it?
Because...
David's...
You see, hang on, hang on.
Is there enough room - what was
the car again? Audi estate.
So we're not putting
the back seats down,
because David's in the back seats.
Those cars, you can put one of the
seats down in the back and you...
Was one of the seats down at
the back, David?
No. Cos obviously, I've got
my teddy on the other seat
in the back.
Was Teddy looking forward
to the trip to the tip as well?
OK, come on then.
Who are you...who is it?
Do we want to go Henning? You want
to go Henning? I don't know.
I kind of want to go Henning.
Yeah, let's go Henning, then.
I think he double—bluffed his way
through the whole thing. OK.
So, you think it's Henning?
Ben, would you please reveal
your true identity.
I'm Ben and, yes,
it is Henning I send photos to.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, Ben IS Henning's mocking mate.
And, rather excitingly, we have some
photographic evidence.
Let's... There is Henning.
Now, that's Nigel's picture. Yeah.
OK? And then here's one now,
one of the pictures that Ben
then started sending, you see.
So, that's Ben...
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
You see? Isn't that good?
And I think we have another.
LAUGHTER
Well, that is splendid,
thank you very much, Ben.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lee.
When I was trying to sell my house,
I once put on a disguise and
viewed it undercover, so I could see
if the estate agent was any good.
Mm. David's team.
Er, true.
So describe the disguise.
Have you seen, er,
RuPaul's Drag Race?
The disguise was, er, I,
first of all, I shaved my beard off.
When WAS this, then? Er,
when did I last not have a beard?
I'd say...five years ago.
Five years ago. Mm.
And you've moved house
since then, have you?
Might have been seven years ago.
OK.
Was that your disquise?
You shaved your beard?
No, there was more to it than that.
Go on, then. OK.
I put a false a beard on.
So, I...I shaved my beard off.
Yeah. I put a wig on.
Yeah. Put a pair of glasses on,
where they're really thick
and make your eyes look massive,
so, I've got massive eyes,
demi—wave, no beard. Yeah?
And when you got there,
did the estate agent say,
"Oh, hello, Mr Mack"?
No, no, he didn't, not at all,
he didn't recognise me at all.
Did you do one of your voices?
I did do one of my voices, yeah.
Which voice did you do?
I did Michael Caine. You did Mi...
So, why don't you imagine
that Simon, one of our
highest—regarded actors...
Yeah. ..he is the estate agent. OK.
And you are going now
for a viewing... Yeah.
...of the house, so Simon's opening
the door, and there you are.
Hello? Sorry, I would've rang the
bell, but I know it's not working.
AS MICHAEL CAINE: I wanna have
a look round the house.
First, I'd like to start
in the kitchen.
Come this way.
I'm sorry about all the mess -
the previous owner is a little
bit of a tramp.
Whoa—ho-ho!
But I've heard the current owner
is OK.
How did you know he owns currants?
Cos we once had a date.
Is that exactly how it went?
No, no, there was more. Oh.
It seemed like a fair way
from the station.
Er, there's NO golf course,
er, between here and the station.
APPLAUSE
That was on par with your last one.
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Right, Michelle,
what are you thinking?
I mean, I would do that.
I think that's brilliant,
if you want to see
how your house is being sold.
What do you think, Henning? True?
No. No. No, you don't think true.
Not in a million years.
I mean, I think he might,
but I actually think
what he would do is he'd get someone
else to go on his behalf. Mm.
So, you're saying it's a lie? Yeah.
Lee, was it true
or were you telling us a lie?
Lie. Mm.
Yes, it's a lie, Lee didn't view
his own house In disguise.
KLAXON
Ooh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
have won by 3 points to 1.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
That is the lowest score
I've ever had.
Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time. Goodnight.