Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 16, Episode 1 - Episode #16.1 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening!
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
an actor and TV presenter
who once went to dance school,
where she graduated with a tutu.
It's Caroline Quentin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And one of the country's finest
performance poets.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Welcome to the show
How do you do?
John Cooper Clarke.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's not bad, is it?
That's fabulous.
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,
a comedian who used to work in IT
and once appeared on EastEnders.
In fact, he built their website —
www DOT Cotton —
it's Chris McCausland.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedian who was a finalist
on Celebrity MasterChef,
so she should know a thing
or two about porky pies
and half—baked truths,
it's Judi Love.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panel lists read out
a statement from the card in front
of them. To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Chris is first up tonight.
Well, as people know,
I'm...I'm blind,
so please be my eyes, Davey boy. OK.
"I once had to call 999 for a woman
who couldn't speak English.
"Unfortunately, I couldn't see
what the emergency was,
"and she couldn't describe it."
Lee's team.
How long ago was this?
This is going back quite
some time, Caroline.
Yeah. Let's say 20 years.
Were you with her or was
this a stranger?
No, this was a stranger.
I mean, she literally didn't speak
any English.
What noises was she making
that led you to believe she...
...she needed help?
I was...
LEE IMITATES CHOKING
I was walking along,
minding my own business,
when, from out of a house,
a woman came screaming
and grabbed me, and she dragged me
through the house into the back room
of the house,
and in the room
there was a massive hole.
To be honest with you, Chris,
this just sounds like
a Tinder date, to be real.
I could see a little bit back
then, just to give you some context,
so my eyesight has deteriorated.
So, there was a massive hole
and there was a stepladder
on its side, and I deduced
that someone fell off the ladder
and went through the hole.
Had the fall created the hole,
or was the hole already there?
Well, then it'd be in the shape
of the guy.
That's true.
Very good point. That is right.
I forgot about the rules
of Tom & Jerry.
So I phoned 999
and I explained to the person
on the end that my eyesight was
very, very poor and I wasn't able
to tell what was at the bottom
of the hole.
And so the person asked on the phone
whether I was with anybody
that could see who was at the bottom
of the hole.
And I said, "Yeah, but you're not
going to believe this."
So what happened?
I said, "I'd imagine what you need
is a fire engine and an ambulance."”
And also, I guess you didn't know
the address.
I told her, "I don't know the
address, but I can tell you to get
"here from the Wait rose."
She suggested that I take
the foreign lady
outside to the road sign
and see if I could get
her to spell it for me.
And so, through a series
of enthusiastic mimes,
I managed to gesture to her that
I needed her to read me
the letters on the road sign.
Could you recreate the mime with
David as the distressed woman?
Hang on.
I'm doing a distressed face.
Oh, well, that helps!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So I gestured down
that, "I can't see the road sign.
"You have to...
"..read the road sign to me."
So she said, "B," and I'd say
to the lady on the phone, "B."
IIEh!ll
And I'd say,
"I think that was an E."
IIAh!ll
You'd accidentally stood on her toe!
We got through the road name
and she was able to send the fire
brigade and the ambulance
to the right road, and through some
miracle of human biology,
he was still alive
after all the time it took me to
get to the bottom of this problem.
Caroline, what are you thinking?
It's not adding up for me.
Someone comes shouting at you,
you just run past.
Someone else will sort it out.
And how long have you been working
with the Samaritans?
JOHN: I think It's a fake story,
this, on account of this —
I can't think why the fire brigade
would have any kind of kit
that dealt with the, you know,
descending into an abyss.
They usually go from the ground up,
you know, they've got ladders.
I do think, John, it's possible
to take a ladder...
...and I don't know if you can get
your head around this,
but put it down...
No, I can't see it.
How would that...?
I can't see that.
John, if you think that
the fire brigade
isn't equipped or indeed willing
to deal with crises that happen
below ground level,
what emergency service is?
Yeah. Is there a fourth one?
LEE: Mountain Rescue.
Mountain Rescue. Mountain Rescue.
Thank you.
On the contrary, they're even
more obsessed with upwards—ness.
"We're the Mountain Rescue —
we never go down."
No, no, no, there's no point
going up there and going,
"We've saved you, but you can make
your own way back down."
So you're saying lie... Lie.
They both say lie.
'Ll go with my team—mates, then.
ROB: You're going to go with the
team, and you're saying it's a lie.
Chris, truth or lie?
I honestly had to get her to spell
the road sign out to me, guys.
True. Wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's true. Chris did call 999
for an emergency he couldn't see.
Judi, you're next. Right.
"An ex—boyfriend once dumped me
after he found the list of pros
"and cons I'd made about him."
LEE: Oh, my gosh.
Lee's team.
How long had you been seeing this
guy for?
I'd been seeing him
for about six months.
And how did you meet him?
I met him at Carnival.
All right. Anything in Carnival just
seems really excitable and nice.
Yeah. And then when the sun's not
shining and the calypso stops
playing, you realise, OK, this is
not as nice as I thought it was.
So, a six—month relationship
that was good for one day.
Yeah.
Let's start with the positives.
What was the pros about this guy?
The pros was he was always on time.
Wow!
I'll tell you what, there's a guy to
your right you're going to like.
He was a good dancer, and he drove.
Is he still single?
Cos he sounds great.
What about the cons?
Commitment seemed to be an issue.
When I was going through
conversations of, you know,
exes, it was
always very short—term. Right.
So he was good at getting there
on time, but he didn't want to stay?
This is what I'm saying.
Did you say in your statement
that he found this list? Yeah.
So talk us through that.
Well, I mean, you could act it out.
Just imagine, David, use
your lovely acting skills.
Yes. And you had bad credit as well.
Bad credit, but I can drive.
Yeah, but... I can't imagine this!
What is this list?
Firstly, your credit is bad.
OK, I've had some money troubles,
but at least I can dance and drive.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Being able to dance and drive is not
going to help for a longer
relationship, because you can't
commit to anything,
so you're going to wind up at me
for two weeks and then wind
up on somebody else.
LEE: This is great.
This is like a mashup of EastEnders
and Antiques Road Show.
Sometime, the truth is what
you need,
and I tried to make subtle
hints to you.
THIS is a subtle hint?! This list?!
Of pros and cons?!
It was a subtle hint.
"See attached sheet"?!
It was a subtle...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I tell you what, I have to say now,
I'm on David's side in this
argument.
Come on, David, get your bags.
You're coming with me.
Caroline, what are you thinking?
No, I don't think it's true.
You don't think it's true? John?
Yeah, I think it is.
You think it is?
Who do I trust most
of these two people?
Sell it to me, John.
I'm a terrible
judge of character, though.
I won't lie, I was expecting a bit
more positivity in that argument.
I'm going to go with Caroline.
Al right, Judi,
was it the truth or was it a lie?
It was the...lie.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
It's a lie. Judi didn't make
a pros and cons list for her ex.
John, it's your turn.
"For three months, I shared
a flat with a monkey."
David's team.
Um, when was this? Ugh...
Early '70s.
And was it just you and the monkey?
Or were there other flatmates?
Just me and the monkey.
It was in Amsterdam.
The monkey's apartment
was in Amsterdam, and I was...
So it was the monkey's apartment?
When he says "apartment”,
he means in the zoo.
What was the monkey's name, John?
Charlie. Charlie, and why only three
months? Did the monkey kick you out?
The thing was, I was kind
of monkey-sitting this animal.
What did he look like?
Oh, he was exquisite.
Look, most of you are probably
thinking, "Wow, what fun!"
You know, and I don't blame you.
Sometimes there are things in life
that are a disappointment,
but living with a monkey
isn't one of them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What did he eat? He wanted
what you were eating.
Oh, really? Which, at the time,
was a lot of chips.
Did he do any tricks at all?
Could he do any tricks?
Tricks, he was full of them.
What was...?
"What do you want?!"
He'd have the guillotine, he'd have
the sawing the lady in half,
he had the lot.
I used to take him to the park
with one of those
extendable dog leashes.
You know, where you know pull the
trigger...
DAVID: I didn't know they had
them in the early '70s.
Oh, they had 'em. But the point is,
when I extended the leash,
it would run up into the nearest
tree,
so I would be stood for ages, you
know, with my arm extended upward.
Wow. And it then looks like you're
taking your tree for a walk.
So when you had to go, like, and
meet this monkey,
how long was the owner there
with you?
Yes, of course, I did have to go
for a kind of audition.
He didn't want to leave his precious
pal with any old schmuck.
What are you looking at me for?
Well...
How did you ace the audition?
Mm. Well, we seemed to hit it off.
You and the...?
Although we did get
off to a bad start, actually.
Yeah? I went round to his apartment
to audition.
There was one empty chair,
but it was occupied by the monkey,
which was curled up asleep
in this chair.
So I picked it up, thinking
it was a cat.
And then it went rigid.
I could feel its ribs suddenly, and
all of its muscles tightened up,
and it shrieked once, and once only,
but for about ten minutes.
It was like it was
plugged into the mains.
Anyway, I threw it... What?!
...as if 'twere a cat.
Oh, yeah. You know, they land on
their feet. But it's a monkey.
It didn't land on its feet.
It landed in an ungainly heap.
And then it kind of scuttled away,
looking back over its shoulder
in my direction... Oh, dear!
...in a real accusatory manner.
So, John, given you were so close
after three months,
it must've been
very hard to say goodbye.
It was a hell of a wrench.
Hell of a...
Monkey wrench! Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Chris, what are you thinking
about this?
He could make anything up
and it would sound true,
but this sounds so plausible.
What about you, Judi?
If we're being honest, out of all
of us sitting on here,
if there was one person
that we could think of that lived
with a monkey for three months...
Yeah.
...who do you think that would be?
Oh, yeah, yes.
But once you've discounted David,
who would it then be?
I think it's true.
True? 100%. True. OK, 100% true.
So, John, living with a monkey
in Amsterdam, truth or lie?
They got me rumbled. It's true.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's true, John really did share
a flat with a monkey.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one
of our panel lists.
Now, this week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Emma.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Judi, what is Emma to you?
This is Emma, and when I freaked out
in a broken—down lift,
she kept me calm
by playing a game of Guess Who?
Right. Chris, perhaps you'd like to
explain how you know Emma.
This is Emma, and I have brought her
here tonight to apologise
for making her cry
whilst filming a TV show.
Right. Finally, David,
what's your relationship with Emma?
This is Emma.
She dived into a swimming pool
to save me when she mistook
my backstroke for drowning.
So, there we have it.
Lee, where will you start?
LEE: Hmm.
I think we'll start with Judi.
When was this?
And do not say 20 years ago.
No.
A year and a half. A year
and a half ago? Yeah.
Where was this Lift?
Lewisham Shopping Centre. Right.
And I came out of the car park...
Yeah. ..went into the lift...
In your car?
No, no. With my two feet.
Yeah. And her parents and her was
walking,
her parents wanted to just go
up the stairs
and she was wanting to go in
the lift.
So they were like, "All right, we'll
meet you."
"We'll meet you up there."
So it broke down and you were just
alone, the two of you together?
Yeah.
And how long were you stuck
in the lift for?
It felt like ages, but it
was something like 16 minutes or so.
Oh, quite a long time.
So, is Emma calm?
Yes. How long do YOU stay calm for?
About maybe 45 seconds. That...
You only lasted 45 seconds?
I'm embarrassed, man! I'm so sorry.
So it just went, "Unk!"
And I was, like,
pressing the alarm, and then someone
speaks and I said,
"We're stuck in the lift,
something's wrong with the lift."
And they said, "Oh..." You've
pressed the alarm after 45 seconds?
I just thought, "I can't be stuck
in here. I can't be stuck in here.
"I need to get out.
How long are they going to take?”
And what was Emma saying?
She was saying, "It should be all
right, just calm down.”
She was fantastic, and that's
why she's amazing.
But, with respect, why did
that comfort you in any way?
After all, Emma was far too young
to be any kind of hydraulics expert.
So, how does she calm you down?
You mentioned something about
a game.
Yeah, she was just like,
"Why don't we play this game
"to, like, just keep ourselves
occupied?”
What did you play? Guess Who?
But you mean Guess Who?
on the phone.
No, you know the little card game,
with the thing that you pull up?
She'd brought with her a portable
board game?!
At this point, did you think,
"I think she deliberately
did this to the lift"?
So how did this all come
to a conclusion?
Well, you know, after playing,
like, a few games, we just heard
someone saying, "Oh, look,
"we're here, we're here, we're here.
It's going to be all right.”
Here's the big question -
when help arrived,
fire brigade or Mountain Rescue?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now, what about Chris and his story?
Chris...
OK, so you have brought her on the
show tonight to apologise
to her because you made her cry
on television?
Yeah. Is that correct? It is.
CAROLINE:
Yeah, so how did you make Emma cry?
Hmm. I was mean. OK.
In my defence, I was hired to be
mean to children, and it turns
out I'm just really,
really good at it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean
you were hired to be mean to her?
There was a TV show that I was
approached to be on,
and they wanted me to be a bit of
a nuisance and a bit
of a pain and try and make life
difficult for the kids.
And David wasn't available?
So what show was this, Chris?
It was a cooking show
where young kids
had to run a restaurant.
What was the show called? It was
called Step Up To The Plate.
Right, before we go anywhere,
Step Up To The Plate,
have you seen it? Never heard of it.
John? I might have heard of that.
Yeah, just then, I mean before now.
Yeah, before, yeah.
CHRIS: It's a kids' show.
Were you a customer? Yes, they hired
me specifically to be difficult.
I see. So, specifically, what sort
of things did you say, Chris?
I get brought food and I...
...and I was told, "Oh, this
is surprisingly sweet."
And I'd say, "Well, it's not. It's
not surprisingly sweet any more,
"is it? Because you've told me
it's sweet.
"You've ruined the surprise.
That's what you've done."
Oh, that's brilliant.
Was she your waitress?
Yeah, she was one
of my waitresses,
and the kids took turns, and Emma
was about number three,
by which point I'd really kind
of got into the groove, Lee.
I think the only mistake
that Emma really made
is that she told me
that the meat in the meal
was Venice instead of venison.
Oh... She's a child, you barbarian!
What did you reply with?
"What, I'm going to be eating
the Italian city of Venice, am I?"
Oh, you horrible man!
"No wonder it smells of sewage
and canals.
"I mean, can you please pass my
compliments to the chef
"for being able to represent
the stagnant filth
"of the city of love in meat form?"
Oh, I'll tell you what, I didn't see
it but I'm going to find it.
Well, Chris, you said you wanted
to apologise.
Why don't you take the opportunity?
So, Emma, I'm sorry for being mean
on the show and for making...
...really rude... Sorry, Chris.
One moment. Sorry.
Emma, could you put
the middle finger away, please?
So sorry. I'm sorry, Chris.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right. Only young David is left.
Remind us, David.
DAVID: This is Emma,
and she dived into a swimming pool
to save me after mistaking
my backstroke for drowning.
Where was it? Where did it happen?
It happened in a swimming pool
in Italy.
Oh, Italy? Oh, was it in Venison?
It was in the city...the Italian
city...
...of...
...Sorrento. OK.
ROB: It's more of a town than
a city, isn't it?
Do you know, I'm not entirely sure.
Have you ever been there?
No, never.
No more questions.
No, I have been to Sorrento.
Is Emma Italian?
No, no.
But she was on holiday? Yes.
Right. And I'm not Italian either.
Right. So, you're on holiday
on your own, I'm assuming?
No, I'm with my wife and child.
That's still going strong?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
But they weren't in the swimming
pool.
So you're doing the backstroke?
Yes. Not classic backstroke.
I will admit that.
Not this.
I'm not doing that cos
I find my shoulders don't like it.
What were you doing?
Were you doing doggy paddle?
Dogs don't swim on their backs.
You'd see everything. No, no, no.
Is that why they don't do it?
Absolutely.
They're notoriously shy creatures.
So tell us about
your unconventional backstroke.
Well, I'm just on my back,
sort of...
Oh, you're doing that, aren't you?
A bit of that.
And I think I'm probably doing
breaststroke legs, actually,
if you can imagine anything
so mad and fusion.
But I've got a sort of iPod
that's been waterproofed.
You can listen to things
while swimming back and forth
and you get the vague exercise
of the swimming
without the unremitting tedium.
Going on your mime... Yeah.
...you don't look to me
like you're drowning,
so why did Emma feel
she had to come and help you?
Well, one of the disadvantages
of this listening device
is that it is slightly difficult
to rewind or change tracks.
Ah, so you've changed the track
to the Beatles' Help,
you've sang along...
No, I'm not singing, I'm just trying
to go back five minutes
in the episode
that I'm listening to. OK.
But in doing so, you know,
I've become slightly unsettled
in the water, a little bit
of water's gone up my nose.
I might have gone a bit spluttery,
and I'm trying to re—clip the thing.
You looked to some, particularly
to Emma, as if you were in distress.
What happened? Yeah. First thing I
knew, though, she jumped in the pool
and was lifting my chin up.
And what are you saying? I probably
kicked off with an apology.
That's how I usually start
most social interactions.
And she said, "Oh,
I thought you were in trouble,”
and I went, "Oh, no, I'm OK,
but thank you very much."
ROB: So where were Emma's parents?
They weren't in evidence. This poor
child's either left alone in a pool,
left alone in a lift,
or been left alone to be
shouted at by Chris!
They were somewhere vaguely...
Where are her parents tonight?!
Nobody knows!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right.
We need an answer, so, Lee's team,
is Emma Judi's calming companion,
Chris's forlorn friend,
or David's swimming saviour?
John? I think Chris seems the most
plausible to me.
Judi gave a brilliant performance
of someone who had been trapped,
and it was very...
ROB: It was like the
beginning of an episode of Casualty.
Yeah, it was, and very grateful
to Emma.
I have to say, it was good,
but it was hard to follow her
break—up with David.
So what are we going to say, then?
Chris. Chris.
Chris.
We'll go Chris.
OK, they're saying that it's Chris
and the TV show.
Emma, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Emma, and Chris made me
cry on TV.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Emma, you're a superstar,
because I genuinely thought
that you saved me in a lift.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Emma is Chris's forlorn friend.
Thank you very much, Emma.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our
final round — Quickfire Lies.
We start with...
BUZZER
It's Caroline.
"I once went home halfway
through a gig I wasn't enjoying,
"then came back at the end
and pretended to my friend
"I'd been there all along.”
All right. David's team. A gig is
like a concert or something.
Thank you. What kind of gig was it?
It was a Genesis gig.
Oh! When was this, Caroline?
Probably '82 or something like that.
So you were at a Genesis
gig in the '80s?
Which would have been at a stadium,
maybe. Yeah.
Which stadium was it? Wembley.
Where did you live? Finsbury Park.
You got out of a stadium
and all the way to Finsbury Park,
and then back to a stadium
and in through security?
I didn't get back in.
I made my way to the sort of bar—y
bit and waited and met my friend.
It's not easy to get from
Wembley Stadium to Finsbury Park
on the tube. You have to
go down the Jubilee Line,
and then... There wasn't a Jubilee
Line...was there?
Yes, there was. That was 1977.
The Silver Jubilee. Oh, yeah.
So, yeah.
Wow!
AUDIENCE OOH AND APPLAUD
Thank you.
I'm just glad that the railway
enthusiasts are in.
Tell me, John, if you were
to be at a Genesis concert,
do you think you'd have
the strength of character to leave
while they were knocking them out?
I wouldn't be there
in the first place.
Why didn't you go to a nearby cafe
or pub to wait for your friend?
Erm...
She could still hear them there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I have no idea what being in
Wembley Stadium is like... What?!
...whether for a gig or for a
football match.
You've never been to Wembley?! No.
Oh, man, you ain't living.
LEE: What about for the
International Railway Convention,
didn't you go?
OK. What's it going to be?
I feel like it's true.
You think true? Yeah.
Do you know what?
The logistics of getting home
and getting back before the end
doesn't sit right.
My instinct is it's a lie.
OK. You say it's a lie.
So we're going to say lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie.
Caroline, was it true
or was it a lie?
It's true. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Next.
BUZZER
It's Lee.
"I always read the last line
of a book first."
David.
DAVID: Why do you do that, Lee?
I'm Chinese.
It's something I did when I was
very young
and it became just a thing
that I started doing.
Call it superstition.
Call it one of my little things
that I do that
just makes me adorable.
Yeah, yeah. What kind of books is it
you're reading, Lee?
What kind of genre?
I bought a dictionary recently,
and I went straight to the final
word of the dictionary.
Which is? Zyzzyva.
Nice. What does it mean?
It's a type of American weevil.
But the last book that I actually
properly read
is a book called
I Wanna Be Yours, by him.
And what was the last line?
The last line of that book is...
IMITATING JOHN:
.."If you have got any complaints,
"mail them to last Tuesday
when I cared."
"When I MIGHT have cared."
"Might have cared."
Yeah. Why the Australian accent,
just out of interest?
APPLAUSE
Well, answer him, John.
Why the Australian accent?
Thanks for getting it, Lee.
Well, it might not be true.
JUDI: What's the worst last line
that you've read?
I think it was,
"So that is my story, and I hope
you enjoyed it.
"My name's Rob Brydon. Goodnight."
I'm shocked that you read books.
So what are you thinking?
I think you're telling the truth,
Lee.
Lee does seem a little bit
off like that, doesn't he?
What? Whoa!
We think Lee might be telling
the truth.
We think maybe he reads
the last line of a book
before the rest of it.
ROB: Lee, truth or lie?
It is, in fact...true.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true,
Lee does always read the last
line of a book first.
SIREN WAILS
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that it's a draw.
Lee has three and David has three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see
you next time. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening!
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
an actor and TV presenter
who once went to dance school,
where she graduated with a tutu.
It's Caroline Quentin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And one of the country's finest
performance poets.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Welcome to the show
How do you do?
John Cooper Clarke.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's not bad, is it?
That's fabulous.
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,
a comedian who used to work in IT
and once appeared on EastEnders.
In fact, he built their website —
www DOT Cotton —
it's Chris McCausland.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedian who was a finalist
on Celebrity MasterChef,
so she should know a thing
or two about porky pies
and half—baked truths,
it's Judi Love.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panel lists read out
a statement from the card in front
of them. To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Chris is first up tonight.
Well, as people know,
I'm...I'm blind,
so please be my eyes, Davey boy. OK.
"I once had to call 999 for a woman
who couldn't speak English.
"Unfortunately, I couldn't see
what the emergency was,
"and she couldn't describe it."
Lee's team.
How long ago was this?
This is going back quite
some time, Caroline.
Yeah. Let's say 20 years.
Were you with her or was
this a stranger?
No, this was a stranger.
I mean, she literally didn't speak
any English.
What noises was she making
that led you to believe she...
...she needed help?
I was...
LEE IMITATES CHOKING
I was walking along,
minding my own business,
when, from out of a house,
a woman came screaming
and grabbed me, and she dragged me
through the house into the back room
of the house,
and in the room
there was a massive hole.
To be honest with you, Chris,
this just sounds like
a Tinder date, to be real.
I could see a little bit back
then, just to give you some context,
so my eyesight has deteriorated.
So, there was a massive hole
and there was a stepladder
on its side, and I deduced
that someone fell off the ladder
and went through the hole.
Had the fall created the hole,
or was the hole already there?
Well, then it'd be in the shape
of the guy.
That's true.
Very good point. That is right.
I forgot about the rules
of Tom & Jerry.
So I phoned 999
and I explained to the person
on the end that my eyesight was
very, very poor and I wasn't able
to tell what was at the bottom
of the hole.
And so the person asked on the phone
whether I was with anybody
that could see who was at the bottom
of the hole.
And I said, "Yeah, but you're not
going to believe this."
So what happened?
I said, "I'd imagine what you need
is a fire engine and an ambulance."”
And also, I guess you didn't know
the address.
I told her, "I don't know the
address, but I can tell you to get
"here from the Wait rose."
She suggested that I take
the foreign lady
outside to the road sign
and see if I could get
her to spell it for me.
And so, through a series
of enthusiastic mimes,
I managed to gesture to her that
I needed her to read me
the letters on the road sign.
Could you recreate the mime with
David as the distressed woman?
Hang on.
I'm doing a distressed face.
Oh, well, that helps!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So I gestured down
that, "I can't see the road sign.
"You have to...
"..read the road sign to me."
So she said, "B," and I'd say
to the lady on the phone, "B."
IIEh!ll
And I'd say,
"I think that was an E."
IIAh!ll
You'd accidentally stood on her toe!
We got through the road name
and she was able to send the fire
brigade and the ambulance
to the right road, and through some
miracle of human biology,
he was still alive
after all the time it took me to
get to the bottom of this problem.
Caroline, what are you thinking?
It's not adding up for me.
Someone comes shouting at you,
you just run past.
Someone else will sort it out.
And how long have you been working
with the Samaritans?
JOHN: I think It's a fake story,
this, on account of this —
I can't think why the fire brigade
would have any kind of kit
that dealt with the, you know,
descending into an abyss.
They usually go from the ground up,
you know, they've got ladders.
I do think, John, it's possible
to take a ladder...
...and I don't know if you can get
your head around this,
but put it down...
No, I can't see it.
How would that...?
I can't see that.
John, if you think that
the fire brigade
isn't equipped or indeed willing
to deal with crises that happen
below ground level,
what emergency service is?
Yeah. Is there a fourth one?
LEE: Mountain Rescue.
Mountain Rescue. Mountain Rescue.
Thank you.
On the contrary, they're even
more obsessed with upwards—ness.
"We're the Mountain Rescue —
we never go down."
No, no, no, there's no point
going up there and going,
"We've saved you, but you can make
your own way back down."
So you're saying lie... Lie.
They both say lie.
'Ll go with my team—mates, then.
ROB: You're going to go with the
team, and you're saying it's a lie.
Chris, truth or lie?
I honestly had to get her to spell
the road sign out to me, guys.
True. Wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's true. Chris did call 999
for an emergency he couldn't see.
Judi, you're next. Right.
"An ex—boyfriend once dumped me
after he found the list of pros
"and cons I'd made about him."
LEE: Oh, my gosh.
Lee's team.
How long had you been seeing this
guy for?
I'd been seeing him
for about six months.
And how did you meet him?
I met him at Carnival.
All right. Anything in Carnival just
seems really excitable and nice.
Yeah. And then when the sun's not
shining and the calypso stops
playing, you realise, OK, this is
not as nice as I thought it was.
So, a six—month relationship
that was good for one day.
Yeah.
Let's start with the positives.
What was the pros about this guy?
The pros was he was always on time.
Wow!
I'll tell you what, there's a guy to
your right you're going to like.
He was a good dancer, and he drove.
Is he still single?
Cos he sounds great.
What about the cons?
Commitment seemed to be an issue.
When I was going through
conversations of, you know,
exes, it was
always very short—term. Right.
So he was good at getting there
on time, but he didn't want to stay?
This is what I'm saying.
Did you say in your statement
that he found this list? Yeah.
So talk us through that.
Well, I mean, you could act it out.
Just imagine, David, use
your lovely acting skills.
Yes. And you had bad credit as well.
Bad credit, but I can drive.
Yeah, but... I can't imagine this!
What is this list?
Firstly, your credit is bad.
OK, I've had some money troubles,
but at least I can dance and drive.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Being able to dance and drive is not
going to help for a longer
relationship, because you can't
commit to anything,
so you're going to wind up at me
for two weeks and then wind
up on somebody else.
LEE: This is great.
This is like a mashup of EastEnders
and Antiques Road Show.
Sometime, the truth is what
you need,
and I tried to make subtle
hints to you.
THIS is a subtle hint?! This list?!
Of pros and cons?!
It was a subtle hint.
"See attached sheet"?!
It was a subtle...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I tell you what, I have to say now,
I'm on David's side in this
argument.
Come on, David, get your bags.
You're coming with me.
Caroline, what are you thinking?
No, I don't think it's true.
You don't think it's true? John?
Yeah, I think it is.
You think it is?
Who do I trust most
of these two people?
Sell it to me, John.
I'm a terrible
judge of character, though.
I won't lie, I was expecting a bit
more positivity in that argument.
I'm going to go with Caroline.
Al right, Judi,
was it the truth or was it a lie?
It was the...lie.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
It's a lie. Judi didn't make
a pros and cons list for her ex.
John, it's your turn.
"For three months, I shared
a flat with a monkey."
David's team.
Um, when was this? Ugh...
Early '70s.
And was it just you and the monkey?
Or were there other flatmates?
Just me and the monkey.
It was in Amsterdam.
The monkey's apartment
was in Amsterdam, and I was...
So it was the monkey's apartment?
When he says "apartment”,
he means in the zoo.
What was the monkey's name, John?
Charlie. Charlie, and why only three
months? Did the monkey kick you out?
The thing was, I was kind
of monkey-sitting this animal.
What did he look like?
Oh, he was exquisite.
Look, most of you are probably
thinking, "Wow, what fun!"
You know, and I don't blame you.
Sometimes there are things in life
that are a disappointment,
but living with a monkey
isn't one of them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What did he eat? He wanted
what you were eating.
Oh, really? Which, at the time,
was a lot of chips.
Did he do any tricks at all?
Could he do any tricks?
Tricks, he was full of them.
What was...?
"What do you want?!"
He'd have the guillotine, he'd have
the sawing the lady in half,
he had the lot.
I used to take him to the park
with one of those
extendable dog leashes.
You know, where you know pull the
trigger...
DAVID: I didn't know they had
them in the early '70s.
Oh, they had 'em. But the point is,
when I extended the leash,
it would run up into the nearest
tree,
so I would be stood for ages, you
know, with my arm extended upward.
Wow. And it then looks like you're
taking your tree for a walk.
So when you had to go, like, and
meet this monkey,
how long was the owner there
with you?
Yes, of course, I did have to go
for a kind of audition.
He didn't want to leave his precious
pal with any old schmuck.
What are you looking at me for?
Well...
How did you ace the audition?
Mm. Well, we seemed to hit it off.
You and the...?
Although we did get
off to a bad start, actually.
Yeah? I went round to his apartment
to audition.
There was one empty chair,
but it was occupied by the monkey,
which was curled up asleep
in this chair.
So I picked it up, thinking
it was a cat.
And then it went rigid.
I could feel its ribs suddenly, and
all of its muscles tightened up,
and it shrieked once, and once only,
but for about ten minutes.
It was like it was
plugged into the mains.
Anyway, I threw it... What?!
...as if 'twere a cat.
Oh, yeah. You know, they land on
their feet. But it's a monkey.
It didn't land on its feet.
It landed in an ungainly heap.
And then it kind of scuttled away,
looking back over its shoulder
in my direction... Oh, dear!
...in a real accusatory manner.
So, John, given you were so close
after three months,
it must've been
very hard to say goodbye.
It was a hell of a wrench.
Hell of a...
Monkey wrench! Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Chris, what are you thinking
about this?
He could make anything up
and it would sound true,
but this sounds so plausible.
What about you, Judi?
If we're being honest, out of all
of us sitting on here,
if there was one person
that we could think of that lived
with a monkey for three months...
Yeah.
...who do you think that would be?
Oh, yeah, yes.
But once you've discounted David,
who would it then be?
I think it's true.
True? 100%. True. OK, 100% true.
So, John, living with a monkey
in Amsterdam, truth or lie?
They got me rumbled. It's true.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's true, John really did share
a flat with a monkey.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one
of our panel lists.
Now, this week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Emma.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Judi, what is Emma to you?
This is Emma, and when I freaked out
in a broken—down lift,
she kept me calm
by playing a game of Guess Who?
Right. Chris, perhaps you'd like to
explain how you know Emma.
This is Emma, and I have brought her
here tonight to apologise
for making her cry
whilst filming a TV show.
Right. Finally, David,
what's your relationship with Emma?
This is Emma.
She dived into a swimming pool
to save me when she mistook
my backstroke for drowning.
So, there we have it.
Lee, where will you start?
LEE: Hmm.
I think we'll start with Judi.
When was this?
And do not say 20 years ago.
No.
A year and a half. A year
and a half ago? Yeah.
Where was this Lift?
Lewisham Shopping Centre. Right.
And I came out of the car park...
Yeah. ..went into the lift...
In your car?
No, no. With my two feet.
Yeah. And her parents and her was
walking,
her parents wanted to just go
up the stairs
and she was wanting to go in
the lift.
So they were like, "All right, we'll
meet you."
"We'll meet you up there."
So it broke down and you were just
alone, the two of you together?
Yeah.
And how long were you stuck
in the lift for?
It felt like ages, but it
was something like 16 minutes or so.
Oh, quite a long time.
So, is Emma calm?
Yes. How long do YOU stay calm for?
About maybe 45 seconds. That...
You only lasted 45 seconds?
I'm embarrassed, man! I'm so sorry.
So it just went, "Unk!"
And I was, like,
pressing the alarm, and then someone
speaks and I said,
"We're stuck in the lift,
something's wrong with the lift."
And they said, "Oh..." You've
pressed the alarm after 45 seconds?
I just thought, "I can't be stuck
in here. I can't be stuck in here.
"I need to get out.
How long are they going to take?”
And what was Emma saying?
She was saying, "It should be all
right, just calm down.”
She was fantastic, and that's
why she's amazing.
But, with respect, why did
that comfort you in any way?
After all, Emma was far too young
to be any kind of hydraulics expert.
So, how does she calm you down?
You mentioned something about
a game.
Yeah, she was just like,
"Why don't we play this game
"to, like, just keep ourselves
occupied?”
What did you play? Guess Who?
But you mean Guess Who?
on the phone.
No, you know the little card game,
with the thing that you pull up?
She'd brought with her a portable
board game?!
At this point, did you think,
"I think she deliberately
did this to the lift"?
So how did this all come
to a conclusion?
Well, you know, after playing,
like, a few games, we just heard
someone saying, "Oh, look,
"we're here, we're here, we're here.
It's going to be all right.”
Here's the big question -
when help arrived,
fire brigade or Mountain Rescue?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now, what about Chris and his story?
Chris...
OK, so you have brought her on the
show tonight to apologise
to her because you made her cry
on television?
Yeah. Is that correct? It is.
CAROLINE:
Yeah, so how did you make Emma cry?
Hmm. I was mean. OK.
In my defence, I was hired to be
mean to children, and it turns
out I'm just really,
really good at it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean
you were hired to be mean to her?
There was a TV show that I was
approached to be on,
and they wanted me to be a bit of
a nuisance and a bit
of a pain and try and make life
difficult for the kids.
And David wasn't available?
So what show was this, Chris?
It was a cooking show
where young kids
had to run a restaurant.
What was the show called? It was
called Step Up To The Plate.
Right, before we go anywhere,
Step Up To The Plate,
have you seen it? Never heard of it.
John? I might have heard of that.
Yeah, just then, I mean before now.
Yeah, before, yeah.
CHRIS: It's a kids' show.
Were you a customer? Yes, they hired
me specifically to be difficult.
I see. So, specifically, what sort
of things did you say, Chris?
I get brought food and I...
...and I was told, "Oh, this
is surprisingly sweet."
And I'd say, "Well, it's not. It's
not surprisingly sweet any more,
"is it? Because you've told me
it's sweet.
"You've ruined the surprise.
That's what you've done."
Oh, that's brilliant.
Was she your waitress?
Yeah, she was one
of my waitresses,
and the kids took turns, and Emma
was about number three,
by which point I'd really kind
of got into the groove, Lee.
I think the only mistake
that Emma really made
is that she told me
that the meat in the meal
was Venice instead of venison.
Oh... She's a child, you barbarian!
What did you reply with?
"What, I'm going to be eating
the Italian city of Venice, am I?"
Oh, you horrible man!
"No wonder it smells of sewage
and canals.
"I mean, can you please pass my
compliments to the chef
"for being able to represent
the stagnant filth
"of the city of love in meat form?"
Oh, I'll tell you what, I didn't see
it but I'm going to find it.
Well, Chris, you said you wanted
to apologise.
Why don't you take the opportunity?
So, Emma, I'm sorry for being mean
on the show and for making...
...really rude... Sorry, Chris.
One moment. Sorry.
Emma, could you put
the middle finger away, please?
So sorry. I'm sorry, Chris.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right. Only young David is left.
Remind us, David.
DAVID: This is Emma,
and she dived into a swimming pool
to save me after mistaking
my backstroke for drowning.
Where was it? Where did it happen?
It happened in a swimming pool
in Italy.
Oh, Italy? Oh, was it in Venison?
It was in the city...the Italian
city...
...of...
...Sorrento. OK.
ROB: It's more of a town than
a city, isn't it?
Do you know, I'm not entirely sure.
Have you ever been there?
No, never.
No more questions.
No, I have been to Sorrento.
Is Emma Italian?
No, no.
But she was on holiday? Yes.
Right. And I'm not Italian either.
Right. So, you're on holiday
on your own, I'm assuming?
No, I'm with my wife and child.
That's still going strong?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
But they weren't in the swimming
pool.
So you're doing the backstroke?
Yes. Not classic backstroke.
I will admit that.
Not this.
I'm not doing that cos
I find my shoulders don't like it.
What were you doing?
Were you doing doggy paddle?
Dogs don't swim on their backs.
You'd see everything. No, no, no.
Is that why they don't do it?
Absolutely.
They're notoriously shy creatures.
So tell us about
your unconventional backstroke.
Well, I'm just on my back,
sort of...
Oh, you're doing that, aren't you?
A bit of that.
And I think I'm probably doing
breaststroke legs, actually,
if you can imagine anything
so mad and fusion.
But I've got a sort of iPod
that's been waterproofed.
You can listen to things
while swimming back and forth
and you get the vague exercise
of the swimming
without the unremitting tedium.
Going on your mime... Yeah.
...you don't look to me
like you're drowning,
so why did Emma feel
she had to come and help you?
Well, one of the disadvantages
of this listening device
is that it is slightly difficult
to rewind or change tracks.
Ah, so you've changed the track
to the Beatles' Help,
you've sang along...
No, I'm not singing, I'm just trying
to go back five minutes
in the episode
that I'm listening to. OK.
But in doing so, you know,
I've become slightly unsettled
in the water, a little bit
of water's gone up my nose.
I might have gone a bit spluttery,
and I'm trying to re—clip the thing.
You looked to some, particularly
to Emma, as if you were in distress.
What happened? Yeah. First thing I
knew, though, she jumped in the pool
and was lifting my chin up.
And what are you saying? I probably
kicked off with an apology.
That's how I usually start
most social interactions.
And she said, "Oh,
I thought you were in trouble,”
and I went, "Oh, no, I'm OK,
but thank you very much."
ROB: So where were Emma's parents?
They weren't in evidence. This poor
child's either left alone in a pool,
left alone in a lift,
or been left alone to be
shouted at by Chris!
They were somewhere vaguely...
Where are her parents tonight?!
Nobody knows!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right.
We need an answer, so, Lee's team,
is Emma Judi's calming companion,
Chris's forlorn friend,
or David's swimming saviour?
John? I think Chris seems the most
plausible to me.
Judi gave a brilliant performance
of someone who had been trapped,
and it was very...
ROB: It was like the
beginning of an episode of Casualty.
Yeah, it was, and very grateful
to Emma.
I have to say, it was good,
but it was hard to follow her
break—up with David.
So what are we going to say, then?
Chris. Chris.
Chris.
We'll go Chris.
OK, they're saying that it's Chris
and the TV show.
Emma, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Emma, and Chris made me
cry on TV.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Emma, you're a superstar,
because I genuinely thought
that you saved me in a lift.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Emma is Chris's forlorn friend.
Thank you very much, Emma.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which brings us to our
final round — Quickfire Lies.
We start with...
BUZZER
It's Caroline.
"I once went home halfway
through a gig I wasn't enjoying,
"then came back at the end
and pretended to my friend
"I'd been there all along.”
All right. David's team. A gig is
like a concert or something.
Thank you. What kind of gig was it?
It was a Genesis gig.
Oh! When was this, Caroline?
Probably '82 or something like that.
So you were at a Genesis
gig in the '80s?
Which would have been at a stadium,
maybe. Yeah.
Which stadium was it? Wembley.
Where did you live? Finsbury Park.
You got out of a stadium
and all the way to Finsbury Park,
and then back to a stadium
and in through security?
I didn't get back in.
I made my way to the sort of bar—y
bit and waited and met my friend.
It's not easy to get from
Wembley Stadium to Finsbury Park
on the tube. You have to
go down the Jubilee Line,
and then... There wasn't a Jubilee
Line...was there?
Yes, there was. That was 1977.
The Silver Jubilee. Oh, yeah.
So, yeah.
Wow!
AUDIENCE OOH AND APPLAUD
Thank you.
I'm just glad that the railway
enthusiasts are in.
Tell me, John, if you were
to be at a Genesis concert,
do you think you'd have
the strength of character to leave
while they were knocking them out?
I wouldn't be there
in the first place.
Why didn't you go to a nearby cafe
or pub to wait for your friend?
Erm...
She could still hear them there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I have no idea what being in
Wembley Stadium is like... What?!
...whether for a gig or for a
football match.
You've never been to Wembley?! No.
Oh, man, you ain't living.
LEE: What about for the
International Railway Convention,
didn't you go?
OK. What's it going to be?
I feel like it's true.
You think true? Yeah.
Do you know what?
The logistics of getting home
and getting back before the end
doesn't sit right.
My instinct is it's a lie.
OK. You say it's a lie.
So we're going to say lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie.
Caroline, was it true
or was it a lie?
It's true. Oh!
APPLAUSE
Next.
BUZZER
It's Lee.
"I always read the last line
of a book first."
David.
DAVID: Why do you do that, Lee?
I'm Chinese.
It's something I did when I was
very young
and it became just a thing
that I started doing.
Call it superstition.
Call it one of my little things
that I do that
just makes me adorable.
Yeah, yeah. What kind of books is it
you're reading, Lee?
What kind of genre?
I bought a dictionary recently,
and I went straight to the final
word of the dictionary.
Which is? Zyzzyva.
Nice. What does it mean?
It's a type of American weevil.
But the last book that I actually
properly read
is a book called
I Wanna Be Yours, by him.
And what was the last line?
The last line of that book is...
IMITATING JOHN:
.."If you have got any complaints,
"mail them to last Tuesday
when I cared."
"When I MIGHT have cared."
"Might have cared."
Yeah. Why the Australian accent,
just out of interest?
APPLAUSE
Well, answer him, John.
Why the Australian accent?
Thanks for getting it, Lee.
Well, it might not be true.
JUDI: What's the worst last line
that you've read?
I think it was,
"So that is my story, and I hope
you enjoyed it.
"My name's Rob Brydon. Goodnight."
I'm shocked that you read books.
So what are you thinking?
I think you're telling the truth,
Lee.
Lee does seem a little bit
off like that, doesn't he?
What? Whoa!
We think Lee might be telling
the truth.
We think maybe he reads
the last line of a book
before the rest of it.
ROB: Lee, truth or lie?
It is, in fact...true.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true,
Lee does always read the last
line of a book first.
SIREN WAILS
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that it's a draw.
Lee has three and David has three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see
you next time. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE