Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 10 - The Unseen Bits - full transcript

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome
to a very special edition

of previously unseen clips from
Series 15 of Would I Lie To You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight -

Bob Mortimer, Lady Leshurr,

Alan Titchmarsh, Angellica Bell,

John Cooper Clarke, Ardal O'Hanlon,

Sarah Millican and Yung Filly.

And joining David Mitchell tonight -

Holly Willoughby, Suggs,

Philippa Perry, Chris McCausland,



Judi Love, Jim Broadbent,

Rose Matafeo, Gyles Brandreth

and Lou Saunders.

So, to Round One - Home Truths -
where our panellists read out

a statement from the card in front
of them, and to make things harder,

they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea
what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

And we start with... Angelica.

OK.

Believe it or not, my dog
is called Suggs.

Oh, drop me out! Right.

David's team, including Suggs.

Why have you called your dog Suggs?



Nothing to do with Suggs,
but we liked the name.

So it's nothing to do with Suggs,

the only person we're aware of
called Suggs? Nobody else in the

world... I've never encountered
another Suggs in my lifetime.

Because you're Graham, really,
aren't you? My name's

Graham McPherson, but that was going
to use up far too much

spray paint, you know?

They might have an idea who wrote
it an' all.

I just picked a name out of
an encyclopaedia of jazz musicians

that my mum had, and I just
thought, "That sounds unusual."

But it kind of worked out
because you think, like, you know,

having a one-name word beginning
with S, you've got Sting, you've got

Seal, you've got Sade...

..Shostakovich...
LAUGHTER

Can't think of any others.

Whose idea in the family
was it to call the dog Suggs?

We didn't initially call
the dog Suggs.

It was Sugar, and
things just evolved.

Actually, when I was a kid, we had
a dog called Sugar, genuinely,

and it jumped in the lake
and we never saw him again.

You shouldn't have stirred the lake.

It was a very hot day as well!

And just to be clear, the choosing
of the name, then,

had nothing to do... The choosing of
name had nothing to do...

It's a coincidence that you happen
to be on the same show... Exactly.

They changed my date, actually...
Oh! ..so it could... Right.

What sort of dog is it? Alsatian.

But the reason why we got that breed
was because when I was little,

my mum had one, and so I was born
and the dog was jealous,

and so then my mum got rid
of the dog.

Aren't you lucky? It was the other
way around in my family.

And is Suggs a nice dog? Suggs is
lovely. Would Suggs eat a child?

No... Not a whole one!
Not a whole one!

You know how they show clips
of the show as trailers?

It'd be great if they just showed
that bit of David

next to Suggs, going, "Do you think
Suggs would eat a child?

"Tune in this Friday night!"
"What?! Wow!"

What's the most adorable
thing that Suggs does?

Licks his own bottom.

There's your trailer!

David, what are you thinking?
Oh, goodness. Um...

It's a mad coincidence. You think
it's true? It is a mad coincidence.

The Sugar thing... Sugar... Suggs...

Do you believe it? I've...
I'm in with truth, yeah. Yeah.

I think... I think I think
we believe it. OK.

Angelica, is it true or is it a lie?

It is...

..a lie. Argh! Wahey!

APPLAUSE

It's a lie - Angelica doesn't
have a dog called Suggs.

What was particularly fiendish
was when you said that they'd moved

the date, cos I thought, "Oh
yes, of course they might have,"

and that got into my brain!

I was worried at one point, thinking
it was the only reason they'd

booked you.
LAUGHTER

Lee.

I once accidentally swallowed
a party hooter,

and for five alarming minutes

honked every time I breathed.

David's team.

Um, when did this happen?

Er, about... Honk! ..minutes ago.

What kind of party was it?

It was...it was a child's
party, and... No! Oh! Yeah, yeah.

It was a child's party. Were you
a child or were you the entertainer?

Yeah, I used to be a child. I'm not
like David. I used to be a child.

And how old were you? I was...

I was about eight or nine.

And can you describe the hooter...

Well, um...
..and how you swallowed it?

You know the...and it rolls,
rolls out? Yeah.

Well, that, I'd pulled that off,
the paper, and I realised

it still made the noise without the
thing, you know? Oh, really?!

Still make the noise. You don't need
that bit of paper. Ruined! I know.

And so you've got
a little squeaky stub.

Let's call it a hooter. Yeah.

When did the swallowing happen and
how? Well, the swallowing happened

probably about ten minutes
into the party when I was...

I'd made the fatal error with the
party blower and instead of blowing,

I sucked. I went... And it's
gone to the back of the throat.

Yeah. I panic... Yeah.

..and swallow. Ah.
How was it removed?

I had...
Did you have to poo it out?

Well, I did, actually, and the noise
was incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

No, it got wedged to the back
of my throat, and obviously now

I can't breathe and I'm panicking.
But wait, I CAN breathe.

I simply have to breathe through it!

HE HONKS

And that's when the donkey fell
in love with me...

..and we've been married ever since,
thank you.

Well, how was it removed, then?
How did you get it out?

Well, have you seen the
board game Operation?

It was similar to that.

My mum put a red nose on me
and stuck a light bulb on my head.

And when they tried to remove it,
I went...

HE HONKS

..the red light went off
and they were out.

No, they tried different things.
I was still breathing,

obviously, every breath
was a small trumpet.

Yeah. Every breath in could
have been my last.

HE INHALES
Silence.

HE HONKS
"Oh, thank God!"

HE HONKS

And it was like...
It was very tense.

And at this point, I slightly
regretted not having the paper

still on, because I thought that
would have looked great, especially

if a fly had gone past
at the same time.

Catch it. Got it in. Yeah.

People would've gone, "Did you see
that? That was amazing!"

So, what are you thinking, Lou?

No, I'd be very surprised if that's
true. What about you, Gyles?

It's a farrago of fantasy. OK.

We think it's a lie, I think. You do
think it's a lie, don't you? Yeah.

Lee, was it true, or was it,
as they think, a lie?

It was, in fact...

..a lie.
APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Lee didn't swallow
a party hooter.

Philippa, you're next.

To get to the very core of someone's
personality,

I always ask myself one
simple question -

are they a Tom or a Jerry?

Lee's team.

So, are we talking cat or mouse?

Well, what I'm really talking
about is, are they a persecutor type

or a victim type?

So can you go around with us lot
and tell us what we are?

You're a Tom.

You're a Jerry. And just to be...
Aww!

Just to be clear - persecutor?

Persecutor. Yes, yes.

Victim. Victim, right.

Rob? Persecutor.

What?! So that would make you a Tom.

Yeah. Oh, yes, you see, Rob likes to
think of himself as a Jerry,

a nice Jerry,
enjoying the cruise.

Look, Jerry's having a nice holiday.

Everyone sympathise for Jerry.

But, no, it's Tom taking
the advertising money.

Horrible Tom! Pushing
people over the side. Absolutely.

I mean, it's unfortunate, because
neither your categories come

out very well, do they?
Neither of them are nice.

Well, you see...
Jerry's nicer than a Tom.

No, he's not!
You're identifying with the victim!

What about you, Philippa?

Tom. What about Grayson?

Oh, he's Jerry. Is he?

Are you saying that within a typical
partnership, two people...

HE CHUCKLES
Sometimes three, it can be fun.

..in a typical partnership,

is there always going to be a Tom
and a Jerry, or can you have two

Toms together? You can have two Toms
together, you can have two Jerrys

together, and sometimes
you're...you're Tom,

but from the Jerry position.
What?! Oh, yeah.

I've got the Kamasutra as well.

What is Tom...? That's what...

So that's a Jerry being
passive-aggressive?

It's a Jerry persecuting
from the victim position.

Well, that's what Jerry
does, isn't it?

Cos Jerry is quite... You know,
I mean, I'm not talking

the Jerrys up, but... He fights
back, doesn't he? Absolutely.

He taunts Tom in some ways.

Look at you, very proud of Jerry,
all of a sudden.

Yeah, no, I think Jerry
is actually full of ideas...

Very resourceful. Absolutely.

Whereas Tom has just got one idea
and he keeps bashing at it.

Yeah, Tom feels good by making
other people feel bad. Yeah.

Oh, shut your face!
LAUGHTER

Leshurr, what are you thinking?
Did she make all that up?

I think that she's telling
the truth.

Do you? It makes a lot of sense.
What do you think, Alan?

It's a very interesting theory,
but I don't think it's one

that Philippa would espouse.
I think it's false. A lie, please.

Get the format right. A lie, sorry!

Like when people come up to you and
say, "Oh, it's a hydrangea," and you

go, "No, it's not!
Use the Latin word!" you know?

Hydrangea. Hydrangea. Latin.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to say lie.
Philippa, was it true,

or was it a lie?
It is, of course...

..a lie!

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Philippa does not divide
people into Toms and Jerrys.

It's Filly.

I once rode a moped straight
off a cliff.

Why is that funny?! Wow!

I can imagine it. True! What were
the circumstances? In Thailand...

Yeah. ..they don't have... Like, if
we was to have a mountain in London,

which we don't, I don't think,
we'd have, like, a silver railing

to say that this is the drop. Yeah.
Thailand don't have that.

I'm doing, like, a stupid speed.

My fault as well, a little bit.
But it's dark, and they don't

have, like, streetlights
on the roads. Yeah.

So, yeah, I was just going fast and
then... And how far did you fall?

I think I was falling for, like,
five seconds until I landed.

Five seconds?! That's a long way!

And...and, to make the story even
worse, when I was going down the

road, yeah... Yeah. ..I remember
pressing the brakes.

I don't know if you've ever
rode bikes, but naturally,

when I was younger and used to ride
a bike, you jump off the back

like that. Just to say, it's weird
that you've got up

cos that looks like a bike.

So you tried to jump off in mid-air?
No, actually, I've got to explain

it better. I scraped along the floor
first... Yeah. ..on the concrete,

and then fell down. Are you trying
to slow down at that point?

I'm trying... I was trying to stop
with my knees. Whoa!

But I'm just trying
to use my instinct!

Yeah. It's funny now, you can laugh,
but at the time it weren't!

I found it funnier before I knew
that your knees were being abraded

to bits! No, I'm all right now,
look, I can bend them.

Did you have to go to hospital?
Yeah, of course! Oh, my God!

Yeah? I forgot!
Have you left the gas on? No!

What happened?! So, but listen to
this, so someone's

called the ambulance. Yeah. No joke!

The doctor come in an Arsenal top
and flip-flops, don't look like

a doctor, so I'm in the car
and I'm panicking already.

I'm like, "Oh, my gosh!"

But your problem wasn't with
Arsenal, per se?

No. It was merely that it's not
professional attire.

It's not professional. Yeah.

And I'm thinking I'm about to die,
do you know what I mean? Yeah.

So what are you going to say?

Well, I question the length
of falling and that sort of thing,

but that might have been
how it felt.

Yeah. But the flip-flops
and the Arsenal top is a hell

of a vivid detail to have invented.

So will we go true? Yeah. We'll go
true. You're saying true?

Yeah. OK, Filly,
was it true, or was it a lie?

It is...

..true!
CHEERING

It's true - Filly once rode
a moped off a cliff.

Next, Ardal. Right.

Sometimes when life gets a little
too much, I like to lie

on the floor and imagine how much
simpler things would be if only

I was a worm.

Right.

David's team.

So how does that help?

Well, I honestly can't think of
anything better than wriggling

around on the floor. Right.
It's very relaxing.

Yeah. Whatever...whatever's
eating away at you, um...

Say, a blackbird?
LAUGHTER

Worms generally have an important
role in biodiversity.

That's not the reason I sometimes
role-play, if you want to

use that description. What is the
reason you sometimes role-play?

When I'm stressed. I will be doing
it straight after this show.

So that's the next time
you'll be doing it.

What was the last time you did it?
The last time...

Just before the show!
LAUGHTER

|No, I would have done it
about three weeks ago,

shortly after I was arrested.

What were you arrested for?

It was a case of mistaken identity. Right.

I was arrested for shoplifting,
but I hadn't shoplifted. Oh, right.

I quickly explained the
misunderstanding and I went home...

Yeah. ..and I... Emptied my pocket!

..closed the curtains,

and I went into my... I had...

Like, this...this probably sounds
a little farfetched.

I have a... I have a room
that I do this in...

Yeah. ..with very soft, soft
furnishings. A wormery? A worm...!

You could call it that.
I put on...the...

It's kind of like a windsock.

Right.

Don't push it, son!
LAUGHTER

Yes, you put on a windsock.

It's kind of... It's...

It's ribbed.
LAUGHTER

If anything, it's just got worse.

Look, you know, each to their own.

It's...it's...it's something

I don't... I wouldn't... I wouldn't
tell very many people this.

No! I kind of feel it won't go
any further, so...

Is anyone else
allowed in the worm room?

Um...

My wife is allowed in, but only to,
like, put me in...

..in the... Do you need help to get
into the into the worm suit? Yeah.

You get the worm suit, you put it
on. Yes. What happens then?

Well, what happens then is she turns
out the lights,

I just roll around for a little
while, and until my wife decides

that's enough of that, and then...

Would you be willing to recreate
the moment for us?

To be honest with you, if you hadn't
asked me to do that,

there was a good chance
I was going to do it anyway. Oh!

It's when I'm feeling like this,
when...when...when my face

starts to flush and when I get
sweaty, that's my first instinct.

We'd love to see it. All right.
Yeah. In you come.

So you look quite happy
at the moment,

I must say, you're grinning.
Oh, I feel better already.

I feel so much, so much better now.

So... So you're already
in the costume? No, no.

I would sit like this. My wife would
come in and she'd just

help me on with the kind of body
stocking, if you like.

The windsock. Yeah, the windsock.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We have different names for it.
LAUGHTER

So, and then once I'm in position,

I would just... I mean,

you could probably imagine
this for yourselves, I probably

don't really have to do this.

It's almost foetal.

So there'll be a little bit
of sort of wriggling around.

Yes, yes. Yes.

What is your wife doing now?
Is she sobbing quietly?

LAUGHTER

She's getting into her
bird costume.

APPLAUSE

It'll be that type of thing,
and then... That's very special.

Thank you, Ardal. No, you're very
welcome. Thank you for...

APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Wow!

What do you think, Jim?
Sounds good, doesn't it? It does.

It does. Rose? True!

I mean, true! True?

I'd go more, "True?" than "True!"

What do you think? I think lie.

DAVID: It's been quite a moving
segment for me, and I might try

and be a worm, but I think
it's a lie.

Ardal, was it the truth,
or was it a lie?

Of course it's a lie!

Yes, it's a lie.
Ardal doesn't lie on the floor

and imagine he's a worm.

Next, it's John.

I hate the sea so much, if ever
I'm forced to go to the beach, I sit

with my back to it.

David's team? Why do you hate
the sea so much, John?

It's...it's never been a friend, somehow.

It makes people sick.

Not just to look at it.

And I can't swim.

So you're afraid that if you
look at it, you'll drown?

All I'm saying is, it'll kill
you when it's ready.

And... I mean... How do you feel
about looking at the sky, John?

Does the sky terrify you every
time you gaze at it?

Well, I'm susceptible to the laws

of gravity, so it's not something

I'm going to fall into.

I see.

Where do you like to go on holiday?

I like everything about the seaside,
other than the sea.

It's a shame you don't get all that
nice Art Deco seafront architecture

so much in the hinterland.

So you happily go to the seaside
on holiday...

I like all the things around it.
..but you avert your eyes?

What would you be wearing
during this?

You wouldn't be dressed...
Smart-casual.

With a nautical sort of flavour.

Oh, so you adopt
a nautical form of dress,

even though you fear...? I've got
the strip for most events in life

and, you know, the stuff I wear
at the yacht club near

where I live, actually...

Chris, what do you think about this?
It doesn't stack up for me. OK.

What do you think? I think he
doesn't like it, but I don't think

he sits with the back...
I think he might love it.

Yeah. I think this is a total lie.

It's impossible not to look at
the sea. You look at the seaside,

they've built mad buildings,
so the maximum number of people

have a view of it.
We're obsessed with looking at it.

So you're saying it's a lie?
I'm saying it's a lie.

OK. John, was it true,
or was it a lie?

It was, in fact...

..a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. John doesn't sit
with his back to the sea.

Lou. Ha!

I once broke up with a boyfriend
because he insisted on sleeping

in a cupboard.

Oh! Wow! Lee's team.

And when did you break up?
When he came out of the closet?

Why did he sleep in a cupboard?
Well, that's what I said to him.

And what did he say?

I think he felt it was comforting.

How long had you been with him?

About a week...
Moved in after a week.

You moved in after a week?!
What a terrible idea!

Why did you move in after only
knowing him for a week?

I think the end of my tenancy
was a factor.

Like...

Was he a little man? No. No?
He was over six foot. No!

How big was this cupboard?

Er, cupboard was quite small,
but he'd sort of get in a ball.

It's just a normal cupboard,
and he'd curl up all foetal?

I'd say, "Goodnight, darling,"
and then he'd just get into a ball,

roll himself into the cupboard.

What would he say to you when
you said,

"What the hell are you doing?"

Er... Did he say,
"It's Narnia business"?

He's on a roll!

He's on fire! Yeah.

All right, well, what do you think?
My gut tells me she's lying.

Why? Don't seem convincing to me.
I think it might be true.

We'll say it's true. You're going
to say it's true? OK, Lou,

truth or lie? Unfortunately...

..it's true!
APPLAUSE

It's Bob.

Oh, God...

I've put a toaster on my bedside
table, and the last thing I do

at night is pop two slices of bread
in it, ready for the morning.

David's team.

Right, so you put the bread in the
toaster, but you don't put

the toast down? No. No. That would
be crazy. So, in the morning...

Unless you were using it as an alarm
clock for a three-minute nap.

So in the morning, do you wake
naturally or do you have an alarm?

I have an alarm, but I tend to wake
up before the alarm goes off. Right.

It's one of the reasons I do it,
cos at the heart

of it is to not wake other people up
in the house. Oh, right. OK.

What would you put on your toast
in the morning? Have you got,

like, a little...some butter?
In the little cupboard there,

I've got honey, I've got Marmite
pots, I've got...

I've got a good selection. So in the
morning, you wake up

before the alarm. Yeah.
What do you do then?

I turn on my Teasmade...
Right. There we go!

I don't think everyone knows what
a Teasmade is. It's like...

It's where alarm clock meets kettle.

It's a combination. You set them the
night before, and you wake up and

the kettle's boiling.
Is the Teasmade and the toaster

on the same bedside table...
No, it's... as the alarm clock?

The Teasmade is just tucked
round the other side.

So you wake up, you reach round the
bedside table, on to the Teasmade

that's on the floor, is it? Yes.

And it's just there.

Why are you not just going
downstairs to do this?

Because all my children, and there
are a lot of them,

sleep downstairs.

Around coal bucket.

Why do they sleep downstairs?

Because that's where their bedrooms
are. I'm not being facetious.

So there's only space
for you to sleep upstairs,

but downstairs there's
a great breadth?

Breadth for all these children. Yeah.

Now, what about eating the toast?

We haven't put the toast down yet!

He's turned the switch
on the Teasmade

by reaching round,
rather uncomfortably,

so he doesn't need to
get out of bed. That's acting!

That's acting! You... OK. It's
there! OK, you've done that.

Yeah. What do you do then?
I sit on the bed...

Yeah. ..like this... Yeah.

And cry. ..thinking, "Here
we go," cos it's five o'clock,

whatever. Five o'clock? In the
morning? He doesn't want to wake the

kids up, they're up in half an hour
to clean the chimneys. For someone

who doesn't want to make noise,
you've chose the noisiest breakfast

to eat as well, munching on
a bit of toast. Yeah.

My wife's OK. It's just all these
children that I worry about.

You just can't...? As soon as you...

If you were to go downstairs,
as soon as you set foot on the

lower floor, hundreds of children
would wake up and you'd never get...

You'd never get to the kitchen
through that cos they'll be

thronging, all of them hungry.
David raises an interesting point.

How many? You've said a lot of
children, how many are down there?

I'm not willing to say.

Could you give us a ballpark?

Nope.

When do your children wake?

One o'clock, two o'clock.
The older ones.

So you've woken up at 5am,

so you've got to kill, sort of...

..between eight hours and...?
LAUGHTER

So you sit, looking at that
toast for eight hours!

You've got to make it last!

Just nibbling it!

Sometimes I don't even eat it,
Suggs. I don't even bother.

Just sucks it so he doesn't wake
his wife up.

LEE SLURPS

There's no hurry, is there?

I mean, you've got till...1pm?!
No hurry!

Sitting on the edge of the bed,
like that. Curtains drawn.

What time does the missus get up?

Is she sitting there with you,
going, "Pfft!"

It's a frickin' prison, isn't it,
really, to be honest?

It's awful!

If it's true, I don't want to play
any more!

I'm thinking, if your kids don't
wake up till one,

what are you having for lunch?

Where's all the lunch stuff?

In the wardrobe!
LAUGHTER

A little gas stove
and a tin of beans.

I take the panel off the side
of the bath...

..there's a little Calor gas stove.
Some Spam.

Make a corn beef hash
in the frying pan.

Right, what are you going to say?

I'm leaning towards that
this is the truth.

You see...

..this is how the madness takes you.
I can see it happening.

It does, it plays with your mind.

And even if we're wrong, all we know
is tomorrow we can wake up and go

down to our kitchens,
whereas he's going to wake up...

LAUGHTER
We win at life!

You see, no, that's not true,
because if we say it's true

and we're wrong, yes, tomorrow
we can go down to our kitchen

to have a normal breakfast, but so,
it turns out, can he!

He'll be skipping down the stairs,
laughing, while his children, who

have to get up two hours earlier
than him, serve him breakfast!

And he'll go, "You'll never believe
what they believed,

"those fools on the television,
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

"More bacon, child!"

So, Holly thinks it's true...

We have two things to choose
between. Yeah.

Let's assume we'll be wrong...
Yeah. ..whatever we say.

So which would we prefer? To say
it's true and we're wrong,

or to say it's a lie
and we're wrong?

That's the choice.

I think saying it's a lie and we're
wrong is easier to live with than

saying it's true and we're wrong.
I think it's true.

But you think it's true? Yeah, I do.
So shall we go with true?

Oh, go on, then, David. OK. Oh, God!

We're going to go with true, and
this is... The future is...

Please be telling the truth! OK.
OK, we'll say true.

They're saying it's true.

Bob, was it true, or was it a lie?

Oh, God! I was telling...

..a lie.
CHEERING

No! No!

Sorry!

Yes, it's a lie.

Bob doesn't keep a toaster by his
bed. Oh, my God!

BUZZER BLARES
That noise signals time is up.

So soon?!

Well, that's all we've time
for on this special edition

of Would I Lie To You? Thanks very
much for watching. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE