Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 9 - Episode #15.9 - full transcript

APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to
Would I Lie To You? -

the show in which it pays
to be economical with the truth.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, a
comedian who started out as a nurse

and now hosts Bake Off Extra Slice.

So, her career has covered
everything from soggy bottoms

to soggy bottoms.
It's Jo Brand!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And a teacher and broadcaster
who's campaigning

to improve maths literacy,

and I have to say
he really is giving it 110%!



It's Bobby Seagull.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a star of The Inbetweeners,

where he played
a socially awkward loser

who was terrible
at talking to women.

I assume David is suing
for copyright infringement!

It's Joe Thomas.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And... now I am going to be
super—nice to her.

She's got an Olympic gold medal
for hitting balls with a stick.

It's hockey player—turned-
TV presenter Sam Quek!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out

a statement from the card
in front of them.



To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the facts from the fiction.

Jo Brand is first up tonight.

My husband and I have agreed
that the hour between 7 and 8pm

is the only time
we're allowed to gripe

about our various aches and pains.

We call this hour The Moan Zone.

David's team.

Between 7 and 8pm?

Yes.

Is that the time you find the aches
and pains are most noticeable?

No. It's cos it's when
The One Show's on!

LAUGHTER

And what specific aches
and pains, Jo?

Because I will say you've been
rather sprightly this evening.

Don't be patronising, Rob.

You did say that like you were

playing Monopoly
with your grandmother.

So, what are the aches
and pains, Jo?

Well, um, I've got a bad knee.

I've got a bad knee, actually,
as well.

Have you? Yeah.
What's the cause of your bad knee?

I don't... Er, life,
you know? Oh, life? OK.

And the inferior design technique
of the creator, should there be one.

Anyway, this isn't about me!

Jo, what happens if you moan
outside of those hours?

Like, do you have a like a moan jar
where you have to put a £1?

The other one can say anything
they like to the other one

to shut them up. Oh.

Including the C—word.

LAUGHTER

Cocoa.

In the hour, is it you first,
7 till 7.30, your aches and pains,

and then his are 7.30 to 8?
Or do you alternate?

"I'll see your knee. I raise you
a... you know, a coccyx."

This is what David's like
when he's chatting up women.

Well, it's not that formal, really.

Is this ringing any bells
with you, Lee?

I mean, in your household?

I would like to get to that age
where you can do the chair

where you press the button
and it helps you up.

"Ah, that's nice, there, look."
You know what I mean?

I tell you what, this is going
to steal all those younger viewers

back from Netflix, isn't it?!

How old are you, Bobby?

I'm a prime number.

One more than a square number,
but it's a prime number.

Oh, in that case, you are a... 37!

Wait, wait, I've got this,
I've got this!

You are... 36.37.

Oh, you are a prime number?
I am a prime number, yeah. 37.

There we go.

APPLAUSE
Ten points to Gryffindor!

Thank you.

Jo can't believe that Lee has got
the applause when she said 37...

I just said that five minutes ago.
..Six times.

LAUGHTER, THEY TALK AT ONCE

37.

BOBBY: We get clever students.
We know they've got it correct.

In parents evening, I would say,
Jo's doing really well.

But sometimes, students like Lee,

we've got to encourage them
in the lesson.

I like you, Bobby.

All right, so what do we think? Joe,
what are you thinking about this?

Well... it sounds true to me.

I mean, I um... I think it's weird
we wouldn't believe other people.

Yeah. Right. We may be having a bit
of a problem here this evening. OK.

Sam, what about you?

I quite like it.
It's very constructive.

I think it could be true.
I think we're going to go with true.

You're saying true.
OK, Jo, was it true or was it a lie?

It is...

...a lie! Aw!

APPLAUSE

It's a lie.

Jo doesn't have a moan zone
with her husband.

Sam, you're next.

The morning after
winning Olympic gold,

I woke up with
a cheeseburger down my bra.

Oh. Well, we've all done it.

Lee?

So, you won the gold medal, 2016,
of course. Mm—hm.

Where did you wake up, first of all?

The Athletes' Village. OK.

Was it actually inside
the bra properly,

or it was, like, sort of
wedged in a little bit?

It was in the bra. Totally
in the bra? In the cup of the bra.

But where had it come from,
this burger?

How had you acquired it?

So, I got it from
the Athletes' Village.

There was a McDonald's in there.
So, I got it from McDonald's.

There's a McDonald's
in the Athletes' Village!

We're now going to have to mention
lots of other burger places.

BOBBY: Burger King, Wimpy.

There was a well—known
burger—branded outlet

in the Olympic Village.

It was McDonald's, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

So, you've gone out,
you've got drunk quite quickly.

What's the last thing
you remember about the night?

We've had a party, had a few
Champagnes, naturally, a few beers,

and then, yeah, literally went home,
two days later,

and found a cheeseburger in my bra.

Sorry, two days... Two days later?

Yeah.

You must have slept at some point.

Not for the first two days.

And I didn't shower
or I didn't change.

Same tracksuit top, medal around
the neck, leggings, same T—shirt.

You don't really care, do you?

You can't buy class, can you?

"You've still got your tracksuit on,
Sam!"

SLURRED VOICE: Absolutely!
I've got a burger in my bra!

What's your problem? I won
a gold medal, what've you done?

Nothing!

Did you did you eat the burger
at the end? Yeah.

You ate it. You would, though.
Come on, yeah, you would.

I once found a Pot Noodle in
my underpants, I didn't go near it!

LAUGHTER

Right. Is it the truth
or is it a "whopper"? You decide!

Wa—hey! Hey! Hey!

APPLAUSE

Top of my head. Incredible.

Can I just ask - is that all that
this has been leading to?

I think that women do
kind of use their bras

in lieu of pockets quite often.

It's just so much nearer
to do that, isn't it?

And it's nearer your mouth, and
it's just conveniently convenient!

If I was in bed with a woman,
she removed her bra,

I saw a cheeseburger, went,
"What's that doing there?"

And her reply was,
"Well, it's nearer my mouth."

I'm out of here. I'm going.

Why does it ever go in there?
This is what I...

I mean, even in a drunk state,
at what point do you go,

SLURRED: "I'l put that in my bra."

You don't do it.
Drunk people eat food.

I've put a baguette
in my inside pocket,

you know, when sober.
In your trouser pocket?

It can be quite convenient
if you're having to hold a tea,

a packet of crisps, maybe a cake.

Where's the baguette going?
I'L just put it in there.

It's a bit uncomfortable,
spoils the line of the jacket,

but it's serviceable
for a few hundred yards.

I mean, Sam's story's got a
certain sort of craziness about it,

which is perfect for the show,
isn't it?

"I had a cheeseburger in my bra."
And David's tried to follow it with,

MIMICS: "I once had
a baguette in my inside pocket."

LAUGHTER

Is it true?

You're saying?

I'm kind of tempted to believe it,
really. Yeah? Yeah.

I'm persuaded,
but I have to say 53% it's false.

Oh, go on, let's push the boat out.
Let's say it's true.

It's true! Saying it's true.

OK, Sam, truth or lie?

It is...

...true. Ooh.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Sam.

Yes, it's true, Sam did wake up
with a burger down her bra.

Bobby, you're next.

Whenever I go to a nightclub...

...I always take a book with me.

So, when the dancing
gets a bit much,

I can enjoy a good read.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

David's team.

Can I ask a question -
is it only on this show

you talk to people
like they're stupid?

Where do you keep the book
when you turn up at the night...?

Do you have it in a little bag?
In your hand, you know, just...

Holding it? Just walk in,
holding it, like, open?

Yeah, well, it depends
if you're reading it as you enter.

Of course, yeah.

Because sometimes there's a queue
for a nightclub, isn't there?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely inexplicably.

You could be reading in the queue.

Would you match the style
of the book to the type of music,

like, if it was hard house,

would you put that with Austen
or something?

The thing is, like, it depends.

Like, if you've planned a night out,
then you can match the book.

How often do you go to nightclubs?

Less frequently
as I've approached my prime.

Aha! The prime! I like it! Yeah.

Maths teachers can be cool, eh?

LAUGHTER

Don't laugh! You're like every
supply teacher we used to have.

And we'd always have
the eggs ready.

What do you do about
the light levels?

Well, clubs aren't pitch—black,
are they?

There are flashing lights,
so there's moments there.

Perfect for reading, eh?

As it strobes across, you can
take in an adjective, can't you?

Have you ever used it
as, like, a pick—up line

where you're like with the book,
and you're like,

"Hey, do you like Jane Austen?

It didn't really work,
you know that.

Do you ever use yours
with your chat—up lines?

LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:
"Eh, do you like cheeseburgers?

You'd be surprised how many times
that's worked, Lee.

So, what do we think, then?
Joe, what are you thinking?

Oh, I think it's true.

I've just never seen anyone
read a book in a club.

I can't see how it's true.

Also, when Bobby read it out,

it seemed as though he was
struggling to read at all.

I think it's a lie,
so, we're going to say lie.

Bobby, they think it's a lie.
Was it a lie or was it the truth?

So, when Bobby Big Time
hits the town,

he takes a book. It's true.

Ah.

APPLAUSE

It's true, Bobby does take
a book with him to nightclubs.

Joe Thomas, you're next.

It once took me five—and—a—half
hours to cook macaroni cheese.

Lee's team.

Is it home—made macaroni,
as in you've made the pasta?

No.

It was...

it was dried macaroni.

How long does it take
to boil macaroni, ten minutes?

It's not just boiling it.
There's more to it...

There's more to it than that.

There's a lot to making macaroni
cheese, it's not just boil...

You have to, you know,
make a... like a roux

which is like a white sauce.
Cheese sauce.

But you have to be careful
because it goes lumpy and...

You may be helping him out here,
Jo. Oh, sorry.

How do you make macaroni cheese,
Joe? You make a roux and...

LAUGHTER

It can go lumpy and...

How would you make a roux?

And don't say you had it off
with a kangaroo!

We could have a little Joey,
couldn't we?!

LAUGHTER

That's good. That's very good.

I don't need your pity!

LAUGHTER

I do a bit, but er—hem!

So... Well, I was
following a recipe, so, erm,

I remember it had... four
different types of cheese in it,

but it got... Do you remember
the types of cheese?

Mozzarella...

...Not really.

All right, let me rephrase the
question - can you name any cheeses?

Was it a specific occasion, was
this for someone's birthday party

or your birthday, or...?

We were on holiday.

Who's "we"?

It's my family and another family.

And is it your job
to cook for everybody?

Not after that, no.

LAUGHTER

The whole thing got held up
because somebody...

...erm, stole some of the cheese.

Who took your cheese? Well,
I can't remember who it was,

but I do remember that, actually,
at that stage, I said,

"I'm not doing the meal at all
any more," so...

Where were you, Joe?
Where did this happen?

Er, Cornwall.

So, somebody came and took
one of the cheeses

and you needed four cheeses? I had
four and I had it all laid out,

because I like to get everything
kind of meticulously ready.

Sort of, two hours in,
all I'd really done was

get all the ingredients into...

I think I've seen
too many cooking shows,

so, I like to have all the
ingredients in all the special pots.

All pre—weighed on a saucer...
Al pre—weighed, yes.

But is anything being cooked
at this point? Is the macaroni on?

No, nothing, no.
You haven't cooked anything.

All you've done is
lay out the ingredients.

Also there was another delay which
was I had to move the car, so...

Was it in the kitchen?

No, it was parked, it was blocking
one of the neighbour's erm...

Arteries... drives or something,
so I had to go and move the car

and I couldn't find
anywhere else to park

because it was these like,
really, really narrow lanes.

So I was getting further and further
away from where my family were.

Why couldn't someone else
park it for you?

Because of insurance
and, you know...

But no—one would have seen you,
you were in the middle of nowhere.

They wouldn't have seen it but,
you know, you can't muck around.

Jo, what are you thinking?

I think it could be true. Really?

Well, I read something the other
day, and this woman was complaining

about her son, she said she asked
him to empty the dishwasher,

which is the one thing
she asks him to do every day.

And she timed him,
and it took four—and—a—half hours.

Yeah.

And that was because
he was just kind of teenager—ish.

At one point, apparently, he said,

"I've just got to go
and have a rest!"

So I think it's possible.

Joe strikes me
as a man that's not in a rush.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't like to be with him
in a fire.

Bobby? Well, let's lean towards
true. OK, we'll say true.

You're going to say it's true, OK.

Joe, was that the truth
or was it a lie?

Well, it's true. Yes.

Well... It's true,

Joe did spend five—and—a—half hours
making macaroni cheese.

Our next round is called
This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to David's team
to spot who is telling the truth.

So, please welcome
this week's special guest, Graham.

APPLAUSE

So, Bobby, what is Graham to you?

So, this is Graham.

When I won his competition,

my prize was a trolley dash
through a pound shop.

Jo Brand, how do you know, Graham?

This is my old neighbour, Graham.

And when my landlady was trying
to sell my flat, I asked Graham

to bang a bongo to put off
any potential buyers. Oh!

And finally, Lee, what is
your relationship with Graham?

This is Graham.

All his bees flew away
when I was looking after them.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it, Bobby's
pound-shop pal,

Joe's noisy neighbour

or Lee's bee—less buddy.
David's team, where do you begin?

OK, well, we'll start with Bobby.

So, what was Graham's competition?

So, he was organising a competition
to open a new pound store.

Actually, 99p store.

So, sorry, he was organising
a competition to open one.

So, it's a competition where
somebody gets to open the store.

So, the prize was opening
the new pound store. Yes.

What was the competition?

Oh, so, you had to submit some sort
of like artistic creative entry

that you could display
or show off at the opening.

The winner of
the artistic competition

would win... Creative.
..would win the prize

of opening the new pound store.

And get to do a trolley dash
as well.

How long did you get to dash?

99 seconds - it would make sense,
wouldn't it? 99p store...

Sort of, I suppose.
Or 99 years, or... yeah, fine.

Bobby, tell us about
your artistic entry.

So...
Oh, the old Rob Brydon chat—up line!

LAUGHTER

Um... So, I wrote like
a little, like, poem or a jig.

A what? Sorry? A jig?
Like, a few words to open it.

That's not a jig, is it?
A jig is a dance. A poem, like...

But like... you could... If you had,
in theory, a good verse,

you could jig to it as well.

Now, do you recall any of this poem?

So, I definitely remember
one line was, erm...

"At 99p store, bargains galore.”

"At 99p store..." And then
everyone's, like, jigging.

"..Bargains galore."

And everyone's, like, jigging away
at the opening.

So, that was your artistic entry.

What was it up against?
I don't know.

Let me rephrase that,
what did that beat?

I think it's far more likely Bobby's
entry was actually the only one.

What sort of size crowd was it?
How many people had this attracted?

60, 70, 807 That's a lot.
why didn't you say about 707?

Because it's somewhere
in the region of 60 to 80.

Well, that's about 70.

LAUGHTER

It could be, but it might be
the lower end. It might be 60.

So, 60—plus people have gone...
Maximum 80.

..."Apparently, they're opening
a new pound store in the area,

"so that'll be a great thing
to do. Shall we go to that?"

"I don't want to go." "Haven't you
heard? Someone's reading a poem."

"Get my coat.”

It's not just a poem!

It's one of those poems
you're encouraged to jig around to.

"We'll never get in,
it'll be packed."

"Oh, I don't know, 60 to 80.
Probably 59-plus.

"But maybe towards the lower end."

"Let's go, darling."

All right. Who next? Jo.

Graham is your former neighbour,
is that right?

Yes, Graham is my former neighbour,

and my landlady wanted to sell
the flat I was living in,

so I enlisted the help of Graham
to just make it sound, obviously,

like there was loads of noise
all the time to put off the buyers.

So, he'd listen out for when people
were being shown round and...?

No, well, she would tell me when
people were coming to look round.

Yes. Jo, didn't she think it was
maybe a bad idea to let you be

the person who shows people around

because you're not incentivised
to try and make it look nice

because you're going to lose
your home if it's sold?

It happens more than you think.

In supermarkets,
there are people at the supermarket

showing you how to use
the automatic checkout.

Yeah. That's a turkey voting
for Christmas, isn't it? Yeah.

Did he have the bongos
or did you have to supply them?

He had decorative bongos... Did he?

GIGGLING

Which I never really heard him play
very much.

Is that like
a male version of vajazzled?

"I'd like the decorative
bongos, please.”

So, did any of
the prospective buyers be like,

"Ooh, that's a nightmare.
Does that go on often?”

Like, did they fall for it?

It worked a treat.
Not one single one said,

"Really love a bit of bongos
above my head of an evening."

And why was Graham so keen to help?

Because we knew each other.

I'd have played the bongos for him
if he'd asked me,

so, you know...
LAUGHTER

Honestly, a bottle of wine's enough!

Er, Lee... Yeah.
..remind us of your story.

Well, I... Graham is a beekeeper

and I was looking after his bees,

and they all managed to escape.

Why were you looking after his bees?

Because Graham is a beekeeper,
and you are a comedian.

Yes. But he kept wearing the wrong
shirts and they kept landing on him.

LAUGHTER

So, he has bees in his garden? Yes.

And he's, what, going on holiday?

He's going away for five days.

And, obviously, filling in
that number of pet passports

for a few tens of thousands of
bees... it's a nightmare.

How do you look after bees? Cos
you don't feed them, do you?

They actually have, like, a sugary,
watery thing that you feed them.

Do you feed them individually?

Yes, you do.
I breast—fed them individually.

I'm imagining
you've got the sugary water.

What is the receptacle?

There's a little tray at the bottom
of the hive, you pull it out,

you pour it in, you close.

Do you have to put on
a beekeeping costume to do that?

Not to do that. OK.

But there was more to it than that
and this is why the bees escaped.

Right.

It's when you try and get the honey
that is the problem,

and that's what the problem was.
Why did you try and get their honey?

Because I thought...
He's only away for five days.

Yes. But I'd... I'd actually seen
beekeepers on the television

and I saw the process of the
smoking thing and the costume.

And you thought you'd give it a go?

Well, it was there! Unauthorised?
It was there!

So, was the beekeeping costume
not locked in his house? No, no.

It was in a shed. It's just a shed
and it was just hanging there.

Everything was so neat.
I thought, that's tempting.

And then I saw the little thing...

PUFFS

The smoke thing?

No, the woman that was asthmatic.

And I helped her. She left.

And then there was
the smoking thing.

It's like a little...
It's like a watering can

but it produces smoke
if you light it.

And that kind of calms them down.

That sort of...
It makes them a bit ooh.

And you figured out how to use
that watering can that emits smoke?

Well, I thought I had.
That's the problem.

There were these little things
inside.

You know, those little things
you light

that smell nice and they're
sometimes pyramid—shaped.

Like a little cone.

A cone, yeah, a little cone. A
cone. So, you light the little cone,

it gives off a smell.

And there was a box of matches
just there as well!

Oh, no. It was
unbelievably convenient.

It was almost like a sketch.

There was a big sign saying,
"Why not give it a go?"

So, you put the outfit on. Yeah.
It's now... The thing is smoking.

What did you do?

L... tried to remember
the TV documentary I saw,

which was to take the lid
off the roof. Oh, lord.

Quite scary.

I'm a brave man, Rob.
I'm a brave man.

Or an idiot.
I mean, we'll never know.

There's a third option,
I could be a liar.

So, I decide to take the lid off.

Whoa, whoa, so, you took
the lid off before smoking them?

No, you take the lid off, then
you smoke in a downward position.

It goes down.
Smoking in a downward position?

Smoke rises! No, you don't,
because too much smoke

can actually kill them.

So if you put it in the bottom
and it goes up, it could kill them.

It's like the old phrase, "Never
smoke a beehive from the bottom."

LAUGHTER

So, you start smoking from above.

I went phwoot! And so, when you're
pushing it, it forces the smoke down

before it floats back up. But
there was... It was like a dragon.

Phwoosh! It came out like that.
Right.

And the bees sort of, like that,
looked up like that.

LAUGHTER

And then a few of them started
to come out.

But then, the big thing
happened - the queen turned up.

How did you identify the queen?

She had a crown.

And er... smoke smoke, smoke.

Bees all fly away. Right.
Including the queen.

Gone, every one of them.

Every single bee.

There was one in there that sort
of went, "Where did everyone go?"

At this point, I'm panicking.

Go to a pet shop.
"I need 45,000 bees."

And he said, "We don't sell bees,"

and you said, "But you had one
in your window yesterday."

Maybe they've gone to an
Air Bee—n—Bee! Now, all right...

LAUGHTER
We need an answer.

So, David's team -
is Graham Bobby's pound—shop pal,

Jo's noisy neighbour,
or Lee's bee—less buddy?

I don't think it's
the pound—shop thing

because that sounded like such a
peculiar little sequence of events.

I think it's probably the bongos.

You think it's probably
the bongos. What do you...?

Yeah, I like the bongo story,

although I think
he could be a beekeeper.

So, what are you going
to settle on, then?

I mean, I'm feeling
the bongo story.

It's unlikely, but it's got to
be the most likely.

You're going for the bongos.

Graham, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Graham, and I let Bobby
go on a trolley dash.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! And we have a picture
from the local newspaper

to prove this. Look, there he is!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, Graham is Bobby's pound-shop
pal. Thank you very much, Graham.

Which brings us to
our final round, Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's Jo Brand.

I once ordered myself a cake
and, in doing so,

ruined a complete stranger's party.

Ho... how?

Er, well, because
if it's my birthday,

my husband goes and buys the cake
from a French patisserie,

and I don't really like what
he buys, because...

You know those very posh cakes

that have got, like,
fruit on the top?

I don't particularly object to them

but there's a sort of layer
of what looks like phlegm.

Yes! Yes, there is.
Oh, yes, like a thin jelly.

The glaze. Who likes that?
Who likes it?

I like it. Do you? Yes. No, no.

Now, you don't like the glaze.
I don't like those.

So, I just decided for my birthday
three or four years ago

I would order my own cake.

So, I went to a supermarket

and I ordered kind of
a children's cake

that was, like, bright yellow
and green.

And they said, "Do you want
anything written on it?”

So, for a laugh - because I had
friends coming round

for my birthday - I said,
can you put,

"You are a very old woman and
you're going to die soon.”

I thought that they'd laugh at that
when I brought the cake out.

So, that's what I did.

And three weeks later,
I went to pick up my cake.

They said, "Do you want to
just check it's the right one?”

And I opened the lid.
It was the right cake

but on it was written,
"Happy retirement, Wendy."

I...

I think what that meant was that,
like, Wendy

had got my... Yeah.

Yeah. What a lovely send-off
for Wendy

for her years of service.

She'd been forgetting one or two
things in the office of late

but, you know, in general,
she was fondly remembered.

Oh, my God,
I want this to be true

more than any other
in the history of the show.

David, what are you going to say
to that? What do you think, Joe?

If you've made that up just now,
then, that's really impressive.

So I think I'm going to say true.

So, basically, you're saying

she's not impressive enough
to make that up!

That would be really creative,
so it can't be cos it's Jo,

so we'll say it's true.

Well, yeah, I suppose it... it is...

And I just totally think it's true.

I think it's true.
Yeah, I think it's true.

I think it's true. So, we think
we're going to say true.

Are you going to say it's true? And
it's, I would say, a lovely story,

and I am a nasty enough person
to wish I was a fly on the wall

at Wendy's retirement do.

Jo, they think it's true. Was it
true or were you telling us a lie?

It is...

...true!

It's true. Jo did ruin
a stranger's party.

BUZZER SOUNDS

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team
have 1 point,

Lee's team have 5 points. Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.