Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 8 - Episode #15.8 - full transcript
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,
the show that separates the facts
from the fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter who hosts
the iconic game show Catchphrase.
Say what you see?
Well, it looks
to me like Stephen Mulhern.
APPLAUSE
And a Chaser and professional
quizzer who's so clever
she makes David Mitchell look like
a Love Island contestant.
It's Jenny Ryan.
APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight, an antiques dealer
with a passion for anything old,
whether it's a Victorian
chaise tongue, some war medals
or one of Lee's jokes,
it's Raj Bisram.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian and podcaster
who loves to do yoga.
She says it's made her
very flexible,
though she admits she can't do a
week on Tuesday.
It's Deborah Frances—White.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
First up, it's Stephen. Right.
Very few people know this,
but for five months in 1998,
I appeared every week on
Noel's House Party
as the man inside Mr Blobby.
David's team.
How old were you, Stephen?
Well, I was born in '77,
so let's work it out. '77...
So, you're 447
44, yeah.
Wow. Doesn't he look good?
That's incredible.
Have you done any physical
work in your life?
That's incredible!
Always outside working
on markets, market stalls.
Did you? Yeah.
I thought you were inside Mr Blobby.
No!
I only got into TV when I worked
in kids' television,
and that's how I met Noel Edmonds.
So, you were working on kids' TV?
In what capacity?
I was, first of all, a runner,
then I moved to a TV presenter
after lots of auditions.
But how did you get the Blobby gig?
Because one of the...
Are you interested?
The prize Blobby gig,
they're always talking about it.
Who will be the next Blobby?
Isn't it about time we had
a female Blobby?
Is Blobby still going?
No. Blobby gone? Blobby gone.
I'm sure Blobby's bookable,
but God knows, God knows what
creature is in it.
How did you get that gig?
There was one other Blobby called
Barry, and he was the main man,
and if he couldn't do the show,
then I was employed.
What was he doing that made him
too busy to be Blobby?
He was Stig.
And how long did you do it for?
I would say about 15 shows,
but I also worked at Crinkley Bottom
when they did the theme park.
So you actually performed
there as well, did you?
I did, yeah. Wow. I would like to
ask, did you have to do the voice
when you did the suit?
Yeah, I would speak into like,
there was,
I don't know what you call it,
but it's the reverse of like
one of those tannoys, and it would
just change the voice.
So what would you say?
"Blobby, blobby, blobby."
There may be some people watching
this show...
Oh, who knows? Yes.
There may be some people
watching this show who wonder
what we're talking about, because
they were born in that glorious age
after Blobby, so we've got
a photograph.
Could that be you?
Well, I can tell you it's definitely
not me, but I've done that pose
because that's one of the poses.
So, how do you know that's not you?
Because I didn't do
the photo shoot for it.
Stephen, when you said
that's one of the poses,
what are the other poses?
Good question.
Give us the... The full Blobby.
Well, if I got excited...
Do you mind if I stand up to do it?
Not at all.
Let's really make this work.
OK, fine.
So, if I was getting excited,
kids walked up and it's be,
"Blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby.
"Blobby, blobby."
And that would be it.
And yet, when I do that when kids
come up to me,
the police get involved.
So, if there was a kid there,
it would be that.
Oh, yeah, but what if he was
on the other side?
This was another one, which was just
if I was annoyed.
That's quite disturbing.
That's what Blobby does
to show anger?
Yeah.
What was the pay like, Stephen?
On the TV show,
I can tell you I got £350,
which was a rehearsal on a Friday
and then live on Saturday.
And then for the theme parks,
it was £500 a week.
See, that sounds credible because he
knows the exact... He does.
And that's the only thing you know
when you're young
and in show business,
what does it pay?
At that stage, I mean,
Noel Edmonds was the king
of Saturday—night television.
What was it like being that close
to such a talented performer?
I mean, it must be unimaginable.
I would say, Rob, as you get older,
there's more and more acid
in your work.
See the thing, to this day,
I don't think Noel Edmonds realised
that I was the guy that was
in Blobby. Oh, I see.
When you say that Noel didn't know
you were in there,
he did know that there was
SOMEBODY in there.
Well, what do you think, Deborah?
Either he's telling the truth
or he is a master liar.
Well, don't forget,
this is Stephen Mulhern.
I mean, he has spent years
at the Royal Shakespeare Company.
He's been on...
Sorry, that's lan McKellen.
What are you, what are you going
to... Raj, what about you?
I think it could be true.
I sense that you could
feel Blobby's weight around you
as you moved Blobby-like and said,
"Blobby, blobby, blobby."
Yeah, obviously true.
Saying it's true.
So, let's find out, Stephen.
Mr Blobby, truth or lie?
Well, obviously it's a...
.lie.
That's impressive.
Yes, it's a lie. Stephen wasn't
the man inside Mr Blobby.
Jenny, you're next.
When an earthquake
struck the restaurant I was in,
I mistook the shaking people
for excitable diners.
OK. OK, so where
was this restaurant?
It was in Los Angeles.
And when was this?
2019. So you were a diner
in the restaurant?
Yes, I had just flown in that day
and so was feeling a little bit
out of sorts
and the first thing I did
was to go and get some food.
Yeah. And the people who were
sitting behind me,
like, on a banquette,
back to back...
Yeah. ..their food was being brought
over and the food got onto
their table and their
seats started going like this,
and I thought,
"Oh, they must be hungry like me.”
I love the idea that you're going,
"Is that an earthquake or
is that just Americans moving?"
You thought the banquette
was moving because the people
behind you were wiggling with
excitement at the sight of food?
That's, yeah, because basically
I'd done the same when my food...
And you were a bit jet lagged,
hungry, sitting there.
"I'm eating this,"
wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
"Oh, they're excited,
their food's arrived.”
She said it with
a bit more pizzazz, though.
Yeah. When did...
Trying to encapsulate the jet lag!
"Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle,
there's an earthquake, yeah, yeah.
"I know what happened. I'm only
doing it for the money nowadays.
"Just get on with it. It's 50/50,
we'll say lie. I don't care.
"] wanted to be an actor.”
I was trying to encapsulate the
jet lagged feeling and, obviously,
some of my own personal
and professional disappointment
leaked out, as it does
in all of my work.
So, you feel the wiggling, "Oh,
they're excited for their food,"
you carry on eating.
When do you discover that something
else has happened?
When I got back to my hotel and
looked at social media.
Oh, really? So, hang on,
even in the restaurant,
you're in the restaurant, there's
lots of people wobbling
around everywhere. And there weren't
any gasps of surprise or fear?
I just assumed they
were gasps from the loud Americans
who were getting
some fried chicken behind me.
STEPHEN: You see, I'm with Jenny.
See, I get excited.
When food's coming out at a
restaurant, I go, "Wahey."
Do you?
Blobby, blobby, blobby!
Do you really go, "Wahey!"
I do. I do.
When I see it coming...
Just have visions of Ant and Dec
going,
"Can you keep it down, Stephen?"
So, what are you going to say,
David? What does your team think?
I think this is definitely true,
because if it were not true,
she would have made it bigger
and she would have said
she'd lost a heel or something
like that.
Is that your version of making
things bigger?
"We're doing a movie about an
earthquake. We need it to be big."
"What about losing a heel?"
"Perfect! Write it down."”
Are you convinced?
I'm convinced by Deborah.
I think it's probably true.
Let's find out, Jenny, was it true
or were you telling us a lie?
That was a total...
...true fact.
Yes, it's true.
Jenny really did
sit through an earthquake.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Melissa.
APPLAUSE
So, Raj, what is Melissa to you?
Well, this is Melissa
and last year,
she caught me cuddling her car.
Deborah, how do you know Melissa?
Well, this is Melissa,
and I recently discovered
that we shared the same
naked cleaner.
And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Melissa?
This is Melissa, and she once
assaulted me with a Super Soaker
when she mistook me for a fox.
Lee's team,
where do you want to begin?
Well, it's got to be Raj, hasn't it?
Yeah. So why were you cuddling
her car?
I had a car which was my pride
and joy.
It wasn't the value,
it was just a Spitfire.
It was a really nice, blue Spitfire.
Which stage of your life
was this, Raj?
To be honest, I sold the car
only about six years ago
and I hadn't seen the car
for all that time.
And as lockdown was easing, we were
told that you could actually drive
to beauty spots and go for a walk.
We got in the car, we drove to the
parking spot at Hemsted Forest.
Oh, Hampstead Forest. No, Hemsted.
Hemsted!
I just thought you were very posh!
"Park the car at Hempstead Forest."
It's about two miles from where
I live. OK.
And we parked up and, lo
and behold, there was my old car.
So you went and embraced the car?
Well, the only... I would never
have sold that car,
but it was about the time
when I really had a bad back.
So it was just too much getting
in and out of the Spitfire,
it was really low.
So my wife said...
Rob's the same getting in
and out of his bath.
You've got a little door now,
haven't you, Rob?
So you... I sold the car...
And it's obviously same reg,
so you know it's yours.
You know, we're in a good mood,
the sun was shining,
we were able to go for
a walk and I said to Sue, you know,
"It's my old car.” And I...
Said to Sue?
Yes, Sue's my wife.
So I said to Sue, "Oh, my old car,”
and I just said,
"Oh, I've got to give it a hug.”
And so I went over and literally
I was giving it a hug,
and this lovely lady came up
to me and said,
"Excuse me, but what are you doing
with my car?”
Raj, Raj, can I just ask you
a question?
Have you come on national
television to invent an alibi
about you and your wife
going dogging?
How did Melissa react
upon her arrival?
Well, to be honest, I mean,
she didn't know who I was from Adam,
so she, you know, said,
"What are you doing?”
And I had to explain
that this actually was my car,
because she hadn't bought it off me.
OK. What year was this car?
It was, I think, 1963.
And it's a Triumph so it'll have had
the sort of TR4A suspension.
To be honest, I have no idea.
Oh, good, because I haven't either.
Was it a soft top?
Yeah, it was only a two seater.
Raj, you also said that Melissa
was there with her family.
It's a two seater.
No, I never said she was there
with her family.
There's more to you
than a lobster costume.
Definitely wasn't there
with her family.
She was there with a friend.
There was just two of them.
Just the two of them?
In the same bubble?
Keep it light.
All right.
Who would you like to quiz next?
Well, Deborah, she said
they shared a naked cleaner.
Now, I've heard of naked cleaners.
Are you serious? Yes.
Is it a thing?
It is a thing, and
I know two people that have them.
Wait, wait, stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Because I can't say who it is.
Well, we know who they are.
Does one always stand on the left,
so we know who it is?
No, no, no. No, no, don't go there.
I didn't say anybody,
who are you thinking of?
Oh, why did I come on this show?
Do you know what? Can I just say to
our lovely audience here
and everybody watching at home,
Rob, I've told a million times
how much I love this show.
I told you how much I loved
the show.
Before the show, I told
everybody that I loved the show.
The reality is, I never
want to come on this show again.
I should say, you can hire
naked cleaners.
I had not hired a naked cleaner,
I had hired a cleaner
who was wonderful and I adored,
and one day I came home
and discovered her cleaning naked.
Naked—naked? Completely naked. Yes.
Now please tell us
about that conversation.
I came in and I shouted out,
"Hello, Anna, I'm home."
And she popped her head
out of the bedroom and said,
"Oh, I'm cleaning naked
because it's so hot."
And I went, "Oh!" And I said
to my best friend,
"Thank God my husband
didn't come home."
And she went, "Don't be ridiculous,
Deborah, he was under the bed."
Not a very good cleaner, is she?
Yeah, and anyway, it then turned
out, it was just something
that she liked to do if it got very
hot and there was no—one home.
She enjoyed cleaning naked.
Right, so and did you say
this was fine?
Well, yeah, I mean, you know, I feel
very grateful anyone
will come and hoover and clean
my bathroom as it is.
I'm not going to start making
stipulations like,
you have to have clothes on.
I don't think that's a strict rule.
I think you're allowed to say,
you know, "Tea's in the kitchen,
"milk's in the fridge,
keep your clothes on."
I think that's completely fine.
No, because I feel uncomfortable.
Then I feel like I'm one of the
lords and ladies in Downton Abbey.
So, you think by saying
keep your clothes on,
it makes you
sound a bit uppity?
It's a good point, actually,
because I'm worried,
I've got a cleaner and I'm worried
I'm not as down to earth
as I used to be. So when I get back,
I'm going to say,
"Can you take all your clothes off?"
Because I'm a little bit worried
that people are getting
the wrong impression of me.
So, Melissa, Melissa isn't
the cleaner that... No, no, no.
What's the connection?
OK, so I was at a party
and I overheard, behind me,
someone telling my anecdote,
which was I came home, the cleaner
put her head out the bedroom saying,
"I'm cleaning naked
because it's so hot!"
And I thought,
she's stolen my anecdote.
So I just went,
"Excuse me, that's my story.
"That happened to me."
And she went, "It happened to me."
I said,
"What is your cleaner's name?"
And she said, "Anna," and I went,
"Oh, my God,
we've got the same cleaner.”
Yeah, but hang on, hang on, hang on.
She doesn't advertise herself
as a naked cleaner,
she's a cleaner who
likes to take her clothes off.
You're saying they exist as a,
"Would you like to book
a naked cleaner?" Yes, they do.
But clearly what Anna does,
you know, you would prefer that.
The potential here...
I just want to go home.
The point is that what you're
saying, I think,
is that this Anna maybe has
missed her vocation
working as the kind of cleaner
you're talking about
your perverted show business friends
liking,
where they not only are allowed
to take their clothes off,
but must do.
You're very calm about this.
You're like, "OK, that's fine."
That's your attitude.
I'm shocked.
You know, you're married,
do you want your husband to see
a naked woman cleaning the house?
Oh, he would just be...
He's like David, he would be...
He's very like David. He would
just be really embarrassed about it.
He'd just be a bit embarrassed.
He'd just be a bit embarrassed.
All right, now, what about David?
Oh, he's never been naked
in his life.
Every bit of me has been naked,
but never all at the same time.
I like to think of the idea that you
came out in a little jacket.
Remind us of your connection
to Melissa.
Well, this is Melissa, and she once
assaulted me with a Super Soaker
when she mistook me for a fox.
Are we all aware
of the Super Soakers?
It's basically a large, powerful
water pistol.
It takes the fun of the water pistol
and then goes too far.
You'll be familiar
with the principle, Lee.
What were you doing for her
to think you were a fox?
Were you, by any chance, making
love with a high—pitched squeal?
By the bins. Again!
No, I wasn't.
I think, as we've established...
LEE SQUEALS
I've heard you, David,
we've all heard you.
No, you can't have it both ways.
I'm either some pathetic,
asexual lump,
as correctly expressed by Deborah,
or...
To be strictly fair,
I did not describe my husband
or you as a pathetic, asexual lump.
Yeah, but we knew
what you were thinking.
I'm either an embarrassed
embarrassment
or I'm a fox squealing by the bins,
not both.
What were you doing?
Good question.
I was replacing and removing a bin.
Melissa lives next door.
We both have, at our house
and at her house,
green recycling wheelie bins.
A green bin is for green waste.
No, no, no. That's the brown one.
Where I live, which I'm not prepared
to specify on television,
for obvious reasons...
In case they try every door?
Just, just...
They could narrow it down!
Anyway, a green wheelie bin is
what you have for recycling,
where I live. But why did she think
you were a fox?
It was dark and she heard noises
and assumed it was a fox.
Where are you at this point?
You're just putting the bin back?
I am putting the bin down the side
of her house. Right.
And extracting our bin,
because the bins,
after being emptied,
sometimes get wrongly reattributed.
Now, that's true.
So, she's immediately gone,
come round, got you. How many times?
I think it was one big sploosh.
She got you, though? She got me.
How wet were you?
Is there a unit of wetness?
I don't remember it hurting,
but it was shocking and wet.
I wouldn't...
I wouldn't describe it as pain...
And that's the second listing.
It was shocking and...
Shocking, not too wet, but painful.
Seeks similar for fun and games.
Right, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team,
is Melissa Raj's motoring mate,
Deborah's cleaner companion
or David's sharpshooter?
I'm Team Deborah. Having the same
anecdote and being furious
about someone stealing your anecdote
and finding out you independently
had experienced the same thing
would bond you.
I'm believing Raj. Are you?
I am, yeah, because I could imagine
he would get excited about it.
It's something that he would do.
What do you think, Lee?
Well, everything about David's
story makes sense.
He would swap the bins in a way that
no other human being would.
Not just, "Sorry, I got your bin."
"Oh, no, that's fine."
"Oh, no. Oh, no. I'd better put it
back secretly,
"she'll hate me otherwise."
So, I'm now going to make
a decision.
We'll go with the cleaner story.
All right. They're saying
that it is the cleaner.
Melissa, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Melissa, and I shared
a naked cleaner with Deborah.
Whoa!
Yes, Melissa is Deborah's
cleaner companion.
Thank you very much, Melissa.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick—Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lee.
Last year, after getting lost
on a ramble,
I got so thirsty I was forced
to drink puddle water,
which I purified by filtering
through my hiking sock.
David's team.
Oh, right. Where were you hiking?
I was hiking in Scotland.
And what time of year?
This will have been
just when it was allowed.
OK.
Whereabouts in Scotland?
It was in the Highlands.
How long had you been walking?
Since I was about two.
That day, on this particular
recreational walk.
I'd been walking for about
two hours.
Were you on your own or was anyone
with you?
No, I was definitely on my own.
You were walking on your
own in the highlands of Scotland?
I wasn't walking on my own
when I started the walk.
Oh, they'd given you the slip.
Correct.
No, we'd gone our separate ways.
They had the water and I had
got lost. Who are they?
They were my wife and another
couple we were hiking with.
Why would they leave you water—free?
They didn't leave me...
Oh, many, many reasons.
Because his wife
spotted an opportunity
that may never come her way again,
and I admire her for seizing it.
I needed the toilet, so I went off
and I went around the corner
and just lost my bearings.
Describe the terrain. Yeah.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT:
T'rain were, like, really heavy.
Well, there's no reason to drink
puddle water, then.
No, the terrain was, I would
describe as rugged and arid.
You want to go to the loo...
I'm all right, thanks.
You know what it's like when you're
walking, I'm a bit older
than my wife, I'm tired, she's a
little bit further ahead, talking
to her friend's husband, actually,
and she...
Anyway.
And I thought, I'm a bit tired
and I said,
"I'm just going to... One sec."
And I just literally just stepped
behind for a second.
You stepped behind a tree and
then became so disorientated...
No, no, no.
So, I have a wee, right?
And then that's when I heard
what I thought was a kookaburra.
In Scotland? What?
In Scotland? The emphasis on
the word, "Thought.”
I thought I heard a kookaburra,
so I walked just a few steps,
not many. Picture the scene.
I'm walking, I'm looking around
like this.
There's no bird. I turn back.
"Wait a minute. Which tree
did I wee behind?
"Was it that one
or was it that one?"
Well, it's easy to tell,
it was that one.
So, I've got a bit confused
for a second, and then I went
and then before you know it,
game over. Completely lost?
I'm now walking and I'm panicking,
and I should point out
that I'm already very dehydrated.
I wish I hadn't had that wee.
It could have helped somehow,
but I've had it.
I was now running on empty.
And you want a drink?
Yes. There's no drink to be had.
There's nothing, and I learnt
the number—one rule
when I watched a film once,
which is don't wait until
you're thirsty.
So, what do you do,
you find a puddle?
I come across a puddle.
But you don't tend to find puddles
in arid settings.
What I didn't realise,
I was back at the tree.
No, I've come across,
it was in a bit of shade,
maybe it was some condensation
that had started to come down,
but there was definitely a puddle.
I was there, Rob, you weren't.
So, how would you... You said you
did it through your sock?
Hiking sock. Hiking sock.
Yes. Sweaty, woollen, gnarled.
Yeah, but she's good with the kids.
That doesn't make sense.
She wasn't even with me.
So it doesn't make sense.
So, you... Sock off. Took your boots
off first, of course.
Of course, it's the only way
to do it, isn't it?
So, the boot comes off,
the sock comes off,
because I remembered the film.
I remembered the film,
"If in doubt, drink early
"and make sure it's purified."
And what was the film?
That was the title of the film.
How dirty?
Well, I mean, it was 18 certificate
and there was a bit of...
All right, what are we thinking?
Raj.
Rubbish.
The whole lot.
This is all made up.
I think you might be dehydrated now.
Oh yeah, I am.
So, David, I think your team
is saying...
We're going to go lie.
You say it's a lie. Well, OK, was
this true or was it a lie?
It's a lie.
It was a lie.
Next.
It's Stephen.
I once turned down £1,000 to eat
a spoonful of Spam.
When were you offered £1,000
to do that?
About two and a half years ago.
But who would offer you that?
Two of my friends...
Oh, here we go. Yes, I see.
Did they want you to do it naked?
Was it those two?
It was those two, yes.
Oh, it was Ant and Dec.
It actually was Ant and Dec. Again.
Not again!
Not again! Not again!
It was Britain's Got Talent,
and at the time,
I was doing the spin—off show,
Britain's Got More Talent.
I thought you were going to go,
"Britain's Got Talent.
"I was doing the spin—off show,
"Oh, No, They Haven't."
Why didn't you do it?
I can't understand why.
£1,000 to eat a spoonful of Spam.
It's because I'm a very plain eater.
And you think Spam is just a bit
too exotic? No...
When you say you're plain
in your eating,
give us some parameters here.
Have you ever had any bread
and butter?
I'm very good with bread and butter.
Cheese?
Cheese, now there's a problem.
If friends are cooking
or they're having a dinner party
or having you around,
you must be a nightmare.
You know, I remember once I had to
hide food in my pocket.
Right. What, hide food
you didn't want to eat?
Yeah, meatballs.
So, do you dress for a dinner party,
you'll dress in sort of waterproof,
pocket—filled clothing.
"I can deal with anything.
Oh, this is delicious..."
"Oh, lovely, a salmon."
And then you just go, "Oh, I've put
on so much weight over dinner."
Squelch, squelch, squelch.
Like a trawlerman.
And why are you like this?
I mean, what is wrong with you?
It strikes me as very juvenile, it
strikes me as undeveloped, immature.
Rob... And it strikes me you want
to get a grip of yourself.
That's it!
I think he's telling the truth.
I think he could be telling
the truth.
I think we're going to go with true.
All right. They're saying it's true.
Stephen, you fussy eater,
was it true or was it a lie?
It was true.
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
has won by three points to two.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Would I Lie To You?,
the show that separates the facts
from the fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter who hosts
the iconic game show Catchphrase.
Say what you see?
Well, it looks
to me like Stephen Mulhern.
APPLAUSE
And a Chaser and professional
quizzer who's so clever
she makes David Mitchell look like
a Love Island contestant.
It's Jenny Ryan.
APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight, an antiques dealer
with a passion for anything old,
whether it's a Victorian
chaise tongue, some war medals
or one of Lee's jokes,
it's Raj Bisram.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian and podcaster
who loves to do yoga.
She says it's made her
very flexible,
though she admits she can't do a
week on Tuesday.
It's Deborah Frances—White.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
First up, it's Stephen. Right.
Very few people know this,
but for five months in 1998,
I appeared every week on
Noel's House Party
as the man inside Mr Blobby.
David's team.
How old were you, Stephen?
Well, I was born in '77,
so let's work it out. '77...
So, you're 447
44, yeah.
Wow. Doesn't he look good?
That's incredible.
Have you done any physical
work in your life?
That's incredible!
Always outside working
on markets, market stalls.
Did you? Yeah.
I thought you were inside Mr Blobby.
No!
I only got into TV when I worked
in kids' television,
and that's how I met Noel Edmonds.
So, you were working on kids' TV?
In what capacity?
I was, first of all, a runner,
then I moved to a TV presenter
after lots of auditions.
But how did you get the Blobby gig?
Because one of the...
Are you interested?
The prize Blobby gig,
they're always talking about it.
Who will be the next Blobby?
Isn't it about time we had
a female Blobby?
Is Blobby still going?
No. Blobby gone? Blobby gone.
I'm sure Blobby's bookable,
but God knows, God knows what
creature is in it.
How did you get that gig?
There was one other Blobby called
Barry, and he was the main man,
and if he couldn't do the show,
then I was employed.
What was he doing that made him
too busy to be Blobby?
He was Stig.
And how long did you do it for?
I would say about 15 shows,
but I also worked at Crinkley Bottom
when they did the theme park.
So you actually performed
there as well, did you?
I did, yeah. Wow. I would like to
ask, did you have to do the voice
when you did the suit?
Yeah, I would speak into like,
there was,
I don't know what you call it,
but it's the reverse of like
one of those tannoys, and it would
just change the voice.
So what would you say?
"Blobby, blobby, blobby."
There may be some people watching
this show...
Oh, who knows? Yes.
There may be some people
watching this show who wonder
what we're talking about, because
they were born in that glorious age
after Blobby, so we've got
a photograph.
Could that be you?
Well, I can tell you it's definitely
not me, but I've done that pose
because that's one of the poses.
So, how do you know that's not you?
Because I didn't do
the photo shoot for it.
Stephen, when you said
that's one of the poses,
what are the other poses?
Good question.
Give us the... The full Blobby.
Well, if I got excited...
Do you mind if I stand up to do it?
Not at all.
Let's really make this work.
OK, fine.
So, if I was getting excited,
kids walked up and it's be,
"Blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby.
"Blobby, blobby."
And that would be it.
And yet, when I do that when kids
come up to me,
the police get involved.
So, if there was a kid there,
it would be that.
Oh, yeah, but what if he was
on the other side?
This was another one, which was just
if I was annoyed.
That's quite disturbing.
That's what Blobby does
to show anger?
Yeah.
What was the pay like, Stephen?
On the TV show,
I can tell you I got £350,
which was a rehearsal on a Friday
and then live on Saturday.
And then for the theme parks,
it was £500 a week.
See, that sounds credible because he
knows the exact... He does.
And that's the only thing you know
when you're young
and in show business,
what does it pay?
At that stage, I mean,
Noel Edmonds was the king
of Saturday—night television.
What was it like being that close
to such a talented performer?
I mean, it must be unimaginable.
I would say, Rob, as you get older,
there's more and more acid
in your work.
See the thing, to this day,
I don't think Noel Edmonds realised
that I was the guy that was
in Blobby. Oh, I see.
When you say that Noel didn't know
you were in there,
he did know that there was
SOMEBODY in there.
Well, what do you think, Deborah?
Either he's telling the truth
or he is a master liar.
Well, don't forget,
this is Stephen Mulhern.
I mean, he has spent years
at the Royal Shakespeare Company.
He's been on...
Sorry, that's lan McKellen.
What are you, what are you going
to... Raj, what about you?
I think it could be true.
I sense that you could
feel Blobby's weight around you
as you moved Blobby-like and said,
"Blobby, blobby, blobby."
Yeah, obviously true.
Saying it's true.
So, let's find out, Stephen.
Mr Blobby, truth or lie?
Well, obviously it's a...
.lie.
That's impressive.
Yes, it's a lie. Stephen wasn't
the man inside Mr Blobby.
Jenny, you're next.
When an earthquake
struck the restaurant I was in,
I mistook the shaking people
for excitable diners.
OK. OK, so where
was this restaurant?
It was in Los Angeles.
And when was this?
2019. So you were a diner
in the restaurant?
Yes, I had just flown in that day
and so was feeling a little bit
out of sorts
and the first thing I did
was to go and get some food.
Yeah. And the people who were
sitting behind me,
like, on a banquette,
back to back...
Yeah. ..their food was being brought
over and the food got onto
their table and their
seats started going like this,
and I thought,
"Oh, they must be hungry like me.”
I love the idea that you're going,
"Is that an earthquake or
is that just Americans moving?"
You thought the banquette
was moving because the people
behind you were wiggling with
excitement at the sight of food?
That's, yeah, because basically
I'd done the same when my food...
And you were a bit jet lagged,
hungry, sitting there.
"I'm eating this,"
wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
"Oh, they're excited,
their food's arrived.”
She said it with
a bit more pizzazz, though.
Yeah. When did...
Trying to encapsulate the jet lag!
"Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle,
there's an earthquake, yeah, yeah.
"I know what happened. I'm only
doing it for the money nowadays.
"Just get on with it. It's 50/50,
we'll say lie. I don't care.
"] wanted to be an actor.”
I was trying to encapsulate the
jet lagged feeling and, obviously,
some of my own personal
and professional disappointment
leaked out, as it does
in all of my work.
So, you feel the wiggling, "Oh,
they're excited for their food,"
you carry on eating.
When do you discover that something
else has happened?
When I got back to my hotel and
looked at social media.
Oh, really? So, hang on,
even in the restaurant,
you're in the restaurant, there's
lots of people wobbling
around everywhere. And there weren't
any gasps of surprise or fear?
I just assumed they
were gasps from the loud Americans
who were getting
some fried chicken behind me.
STEPHEN: You see, I'm with Jenny.
See, I get excited.
When food's coming out at a
restaurant, I go, "Wahey."
Do you?
Blobby, blobby, blobby!
Do you really go, "Wahey!"
I do. I do.
When I see it coming...
Just have visions of Ant and Dec
going,
"Can you keep it down, Stephen?"
So, what are you going to say,
David? What does your team think?
I think this is definitely true,
because if it were not true,
she would have made it bigger
and she would have said
she'd lost a heel or something
like that.
Is that your version of making
things bigger?
"We're doing a movie about an
earthquake. We need it to be big."
"What about losing a heel?"
"Perfect! Write it down."”
Are you convinced?
I'm convinced by Deborah.
I think it's probably true.
Let's find out, Jenny, was it true
or were you telling us a lie?
That was a total...
...true fact.
Yes, it's true.
Jenny really did
sit through an earthquake.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Melissa.
APPLAUSE
So, Raj, what is Melissa to you?
Well, this is Melissa
and last year,
she caught me cuddling her car.
Deborah, how do you know Melissa?
Well, this is Melissa,
and I recently discovered
that we shared the same
naked cleaner.
And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Melissa?
This is Melissa, and she once
assaulted me with a Super Soaker
when she mistook me for a fox.
Lee's team,
where do you want to begin?
Well, it's got to be Raj, hasn't it?
Yeah. So why were you cuddling
her car?
I had a car which was my pride
and joy.
It wasn't the value,
it was just a Spitfire.
It was a really nice, blue Spitfire.
Which stage of your life
was this, Raj?
To be honest, I sold the car
only about six years ago
and I hadn't seen the car
for all that time.
And as lockdown was easing, we were
told that you could actually drive
to beauty spots and go for a walk.
We got in the car, we drove to the
parking spot at Hemsted Forest.
Oh, Hampstead Forest. No, Hemsted.
Hemsted!
I just thought you were very posh!
"Park the car at Hempstead Forest."
It's about two miles from where
I live. OK.
And we parked up and, lo
and behold, there was my old car.
So you went and embraced the car?
Well, the only... I would never
have sold that car,
but it was about the time
when I really had a bad back.
So it was just too much getting
in and out of the Spitfire,
it was really low.
So my wife said...
Rob's the same getting in
and out of his bath.
You've got a little door now,
haven't you, Rob?
So you... I sold the car...
And it's obviously same reg,
so you know it's yours.
You know, we're in a good mood,
the sun was shining,
we were able to go for
a walk and I said to Sue, you know,
"It's my old car.” And I...
Said to Sue?
Yes, Sue's my wife.
So I said to Sue, "Oh, my old car,”
and I just said,
"Oh, I've got to give it a hug.”
And so I went over and literally
I was giving it a hug,
and this lovely lady came up
to me and said,
"Excuse me, but what are you doing
with my car?”
Raj, Raj, can I just ask you
a question?
Have you come on national
television to invent an alibi
about you and your wife
going dogging?
How did Melissa react
upon her arrival?
Well, to be honest, I mean,
she didn't know who I was from Adam,
so she, you know, said,
"What are you doing?”
And I had to explain
that this actually was my car,
because she hadn't bought it off me.
OK. What year was this car?
It was, I think, 1963.
And it's a Triumph so it'll have had
the sort of TR4A suspension.
To be honest, I have no idea.
Oh, good, because I haven't either.
Was it a soft top?
Yeah, it was only a two seater.
Raj, you also said that Melissa
was there with her family.
It's a two seater.
No, I never said she was there
with her family.
There's more to you
than a lobster costume.
Definitely wasn't there
with her family.
She was there with a friend.
There was just two of them.
Just the two of them?
In the same bubble?
Keep it light.
All right.
Who would you like to quiz next?
Well, Deborah, she said
they shared a naked cleaner.
Now, I've heard of naked cleaners.
Are you serious? Yes.
Is it a thing?
It is a thing, and
I know two people that have them.
Wait, wait, stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Because I can't say who it is.
Well, we know who they are.
Does one always stand on the left,
so we know who it is?
No, no, no. No, no, don't go there.
I didn't say anybody,
who are you thinking of?
Oh, why did I come on this show?
Do you know what? Can I just say to
our lovely audience here
and everybody watching at home,
Rob, I've told a million times
how much I love this show.
I told you how much I loved
the show.
Before the show, I told
everybody that I loved the show.
The reality is, I never
want to come on this show again.
I should say, you can hire
naked cleaners.
I had not hired a naked cleaner,
I had hired a cleaner
who was wonderful and I adored,
and one day I came home
and discovered her cleaning naked.
Naked—naked? Completely naked. Yes.
Now please tell us
about that conversation.
I came in and I shouted out,
"Hello, Anna, I'm home."
And she popped her head
out of the bedroom and said,
"Oh, I'm cleaning naked
because it's so hot."
And I went, "Oh!" And I said
to my best friend,
"Thank God my husband
didn't come home."
And she went, "Don't be ridiculous,
Deborah, he was under the bed."
Not a very good cleaner, is she?
Yeah, and anyway, it then turned
out, it was just something
that she liked to do if it got very
hot and there was no—one home.
She enjoyed cleaning naked.
Right, so and did you say
this was fine?
Well, yeah, I mean, you know, I feel
very grateful anyone
will come and hoover and clean
my bathroom as it is.
I'm not going to start making
stipulations like,
you have to have clothes on.
I don't think that's a strict rule.
I think you're allowed to say,
you know, "Tea's in the kitchen,
"milk's in the fridge,
keep your clothes on."
I think that's completely fine.
No, because I feel uncomfortable.
Then I feel like I'm one of the
lords and ladies in Downton Abbey.
So, you think by saying
keep your clothes on,
it makes you
sound a bit uppity?
It's a good point, actually,
because I'm worried,
I've got a cleaner and I'm worried
I'm not as down to earth
as I used to be. So when I get back,
I'm going to say,
"Can you take all your clothes off?"
Because I'm a little bit worried
that people are getting
the wrong impression of me.
So, Melissa, Melissa isn't
the cleaner that... No, no, no.
What's the connection?
OK, so I was at a party
and I overheard, behind me,
someone telling my anecdote,
which was I came home, the cleaner
put her head out the bedroom saying,
"I'm cleaning naked
because it's so hot!"
And I thought,
she's stolen my anecdote.
So I just went,
"Excuse me, that's my story.
"That happened to me."
And she went, "It happened to me."
I said,
"What is your cleaner's name?"
And she said, "Anna," and I went,
"Oh, my God,
we've got the same cleaner.”
Yeah, but hang on, hang on, hang on.
She doesn't advertise herself
as a naked cleaner,
she's a cleaner who
likes to take her clothes off.
You're saying they exist as a,
"Would you like to book
a naked cleaner?" Yes, they do.
But clearly what Anna does,
you know, you would prefer that.
The potential here...
I just want to go home.
The point is that what you're
saying, I think,
is that this Anna maybe has
missed her vocation
working as the kind of cleaner
you're talking about
your perverted show business friends
liking,
where they not only are allowed
to take their clothes off,
but must do.
You're very calm about this.
You're like, "OK, that's fine."
That's your attitude.
I'm shocked.
You know, you're married,
do you want your husband to see
a naked woman cleaning the house?
Oh, he would just be...
He's like David, he would be...
He's very like David. He would
just be really embarrassed about it.
He'd just be a bit embarrassed.
He'd just be a bit embarrassed.
All right, now, what about David?
Oh, he's never been naked
in his life.
Every bit of me has been naked,
but never all at the same time.
I like to think of the idea that you
came out in a little jacket.
Remind us of your connection
to Melissa.
Well, this is Melissa, and she once
assaulted me with a Super Soaker
when she mistook me for a fox.
Are we all aware
of the Super Soakers?
It's basically a large, powerful
water pistol.
It takes the fun of the water pistol
and then goes too far.
You'll be familiar
with the principle, Lee.
What were you doing for her
to think you were a fox?
Were you, by any chance, making
love with a high—pitched squeal?
By the bins. Again!
No, I wasn't.
I think, as we've established...
LEE SQUEALS
I've heard you, David,
we've all heard you.
No, you can't have it both ways.
I'm either some pathetic,
asexual lump,
as correctly expressed by Deborah,
or...
To be strictly fair,
I did not describe my husband
or you as a pathetic, asexual lump.
Yeah, but we knew
what you were thinking.
I'm either an embarrassed
embarrassment
or I'm a fox squealing by the bins,
not both.
What were you doing?
Good question.
I was replacing and removing a bin.
Melissa lives next door.
We both have, at our house
and at her house,
green recycling wheelie bins.
A green bin is for green waste.
No, no, no. That's the brown one.
Where I live, which I'm not prepared
to specify on television,
for obvious reasons...
In case they try every door?
Just, just...
They could narrow it down!
Anyway, a green wheelie bin is
what you have for recycling,
where I live. But why did she think
you were a fox?
It was dark and she heard noises
and assumed it was a fox.
Where are you at this point?
You're just putting the bin back?
I am putting the bin down the side
of her house. Right.
And extracting our bin,
because the bins,
after being emptied,
sometimes get wrongly reattributed.
Now, that's true.
So, she's immediately gone,
come round, got you. How many times?
I think it was one big sploosh.
She got you, though? She got me.
How wet were you?
Is there a unit of wetness?
I don't remember it hurting,
but it was shocking and wet.
I wouldn't...
I wouldn't describe it as pain...
And that's the second listing.
It was shocking and...
Shocking, not too wet, but painful.
Seeks similar for fun and games.
Right, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team,
is Melissa Raj's motoring mate,
Deborah's cleaner companion
or David's sharpshooter?
I'm Team Deborah. Having the same
anecdote and being furious
about someone stealing your anecdote
and finding out you independently
had experienced the same thing
would bond you.
I'm believing Raj. Are you?
I am, yeah, because I could imagine
he would get excited about it.
It's something that he would do.
What do you think, Lee?
Well, everything about David's
story makes sense.
He would swap the bins in a way that
no other human being would.
Not just, "Sorry, I got your bin."
"Oh, no, that's fine."
"Oh, no. Oh, no. I'd better put it
back secretly,
"she'll hate me otherwise."
So, I'm now going to make
a decision.
We'll go with the cleaner story.
All right. They're saying
that it is the cleaner.
Melissa, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Melissa, and I shared
a naked cleaner with Deborah.
Whoa!
Yes, Melissa is Deborah's
cleaner companion.
Thank you very much, Melissa.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick—Fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lee.
Last year, after getting lost
on a ramble,
I got so thirsty I was forced
to drink puddle water,
which I purified by filtering
through my hiking sock.
David's team.
Oh, right. Where were you hiking?
I was hiking in Scotland.
And what time of year?
This will have been
just when it was allowed.
OK.
Whereabouts in Scotland?
It was in the Highlands.
How long had you been walking?
Since I was about two.
That day, on this particular
recreational walk.
I'd been walking for about
two hours.
Were you on your own or was anyone
with you?
No, I was definitely on my own.
You were walking on your
own in the highlands of Scotland?
I wasn't walking on my own
when I started the walk.
Oh, they'd given you the slip.
Correct.
No, we'd gone our separate ways.
They had the water and I had
got lost. Who are they?
They were my wife and another
couple we were hiking with.
Why would they leave you water—free?
They didn't leave me...
Oh, many, many reasons.
Because his wife
spotted an opportunity
that may never come her way again,
and I admire her for seizing it.
I needed the toilet, so I went off
and I went around the corner
and just lost my bearings.
Describe the terrain. Yeah.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT:
T'rain were, like, really heavy.
Well, there's no reason to drink
puddle water, then.
No, the terrain was, I would
describe as rugged and arid.
You want to go to the loo...
I'm all right, thanks.
You know what it's like when you're
walking, I'm a bit older
than my wife, I'm tired, she's a
little bit further ahead, talking
to her friend's husband, actually,
and she...
Anyway.
And I thought, I'm a bit tired
and I said,
"I'm just going to... One sec."
And I just literally just stepped
behind for a second.
You stepped behind a tree and
then became so disorientated...
No, no, no.
So, I have a wee, right?
And then that's when I heard
what I thought was a kookaburra.
In Scotland? What?
In Scotland? The emphasis on
the word, "Thought.”
I thought I heard a kookaburra,
so I walked just a few steps,
not many. Picture the scene.
I'm walking, I'm looking around
like this.
There's no bird. I turn back.
"Wait a minute. Which tree
did I wee behind?
"Was it that one
or was it that one?"
Well, it's easy to tell,
it was that one.
So, I've got a bit confused
for a second, and then I went
and then before you know it,
game over. Completely lost?
I'm now walking and I'm panicking,
and I should point out
that I'm already very dehydrated.
I wish I hadn't had that wee.
It could have helped somehow,
but I've had it.
I was now running on empty.
And you want a drink?
Yes. There's no drink to be had.
There's nothing, and I learnt
the number—one rule
when I watched a film once,
which is don't wait until
you're thirsty.
So, what do you do,
you find a puddle?
I come across a puddle.
But you don't tend to find puddles
in arid settings.
What I didn't realise,
I was back at the tree.
No, I've come across,
it was in a bit of shade,
maybe it was some condensation
that had started to come down,
but there was definitely a puddle.
I was there, Rob, you weren't.
So, how would you... You said you
did it through your sock?
Hiking sock. Hiking sock.
Yes. Sweaty, woollen, gnarled.
Yeah, but she's good with the kids.
That doesn't make sense.
She wasn't even with me.
So it doesn't make sense.
So, you... Sock off. Took your boots
off first, of course.
Of course, it's the only way
to do it, isn't it?
So, the boot comes off,
the sock comes off,
because I remembered the film.
I remembered the film,
"If in doubt, drink early
"and make sure it's purified."
And what was the film?
That was the title of the film.
How dirty?
Well, I mean, it was 18 certificate
and there was a bit of...
All right, what are we thinking?
Raj.
Rubbish.
The whole lot.
This is all made up.
I think you might be dehydrated now.
Oh yeah, I am.
So, David, I think your team
is saying...
We're going to go lie.
You say it's a lie. Well, OK, was
this true or was it a lie?
It's a lie.
It was a lie.
Next.
It's Stephen.
I once turned down £1,000 to eat
a spoonful of Spam.
When were you offered £1,000
to do that?
About two and a half years ago.
But who would offer you that?
Two of my friends...
Oh, here we go. Yes, I see.
Did they want you to do it naked?
Was it those two?
It was those two, yes.
Oh, it was Ant and Dec.
It actually was Ant and Dec. Again.
Not again!
Not again! Not again!
It was Britain's Got Talent,
and at the time,
I was doing the spin—off show,
Britain's Got More Talent.
I thought you were going to go,
"Britain's Got Talent.
"I was doing the spin—off show,
"Oh, No, They Haven't."
Why didn't you do it?
I can't understand why.
£1,000 to eat a spoonful of Spam.
It's because I'm a very plain eater.
And you think Spam is just a bit
too exotic? No...
When you say you're plain
in your eating,
give us some parameters here.
Have you ever had any bread
and butter?
I'm very good with bread and butter.
Cheese?
Cheese, now there's a problem.
If friends are cooking
or they're having a dinner party
or having you around,
you must be a nightmare.
You know, I remember once I had to
hide food in my pocket.
Right. What, hide food
you didn't want to eat?
Yeah, meatballs.
So, do you dress for a dinner party,
you'll dress in sort of waterproof,
pocket—filled clothing.
"I can deal with anything.
Oh, this is delicious..."
"Oh, lovely, a salmon."
And then you just go, "Oh, I've put
on so much weight over dinner."
Squelch, squelch, squelch.
Like a trawlerman.
And why are you like this?
I mean, what is wrong with you?
It strikes me as very juvenile, it
strikes me as undeveloped, immature.
Rob... And it strikes me you want
to get a grip of yourself.
That's it!
I think he's telling the truth.
I think he could be telling
the truth.
I think we're going to go with true.
All right. They're saying it's true.
Stephen, you fussy eater,
was it true or was it a lie?
It was true.
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
has won by three points to two.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE