Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 7 - Episode #15.7 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",
the show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
one of Wales's most popular
entertainers
has the pleasure
of introducing this man.
It's comedian Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a newsreader who says
she would love to host
a fun, intelligent entertainment
show,
That makes two of us.
It's Victoria Derbyshire.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, an award—winning comedian
who started out as a researcher
on this show, and now she's a guest,
she's finally allowed
to make eye contact with me.
It's Rosie Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedian who once visited
the Norfolk B—roads
for a holiday prog...
Sorry, I've misread that.
It was the Norfolk Broads.
It's Jamali Maddix.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction,
and Rhod is first up tonight.
I once had to share flip—flops
with a friend
after losing one of mine on a hike.
Is that it?
No, I'm just wondering
whether I lost a flip—flop
or a friend.
LAUGHTER
David's team?
How did that work?
What was the system?
Where were you?
We were in Thailand,
going to a full moon party.
That's not hiking, then, is it?
Yeah. Like, you don't hike
to a full moon party.
I've been to a full moon party.
There was no hiking involved.
Yeah, you probably got the bus
there, did you?
I did get the bus.
That's a good point. That's right.
What's a full moon party?
Everyone else seems to know.
Well, let's start with a party
first. Do you know what that is?
Yes, it's a group
of individuals
of the same political persuasion,
and in totalitarian circumstances,
it can become dominant.
APPLAUSE
There's a certain island in Thailand
where every month they have a full
moon, the full moon is out,
and there's a big party
on the beach, ,
so we thought, "We'll go to that,
we'll have a little bit of that."
Me and my friend, we thought
we'd go round the headland.
It's only about an hour, they said
to walk around the headland,
but we set off in flip—flops.
Mm—hm.
Bad idea.
What time of day?
Well, midday, probably. Midday?
But it's a full moon party. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You've got to get there early,
David.
So you were planning to get there
at lunchtime
and then just wait for dusk. We
thought we'd have a bit of lunch
and make a day of it.
Rhod, jump to the moment now where
you have to share the flip—flops.
Right, so two of us,
two flip—flops each,
four flip—flops, two people.
That went on really well for about
an hour until I lost a flip—flop.
DAVID AND ROSIE: How?
Leapt across a rock.
Waves crashing below,
hot, jaggedy rocks,
and flip—flop fell in the water.
Gone.
Three flip—flops, two people.
Carried on like that for an hour.
My friend going on a few metres
in two flip—flops,
then throwing a flip—flop
back to me.
I put his flip—flop on with my other
flip—flop and I caught him up.
That went on for quite a while,
that system, and...
Hang on,
I'm not clear on that system.
Here it is.
This is me, this is him.
Yeah. He goes forward
in his two flip—flops. Yes.
Throws a flip—flop back to me...
Yeah.
...I put his flip—flop on
and I catch him up.
This is the exact chat they have
in the Welsh football dressing room.
LAUGHTER
So that system went on well
for a while... Yeah.
...until he throws the flip—flop,
I fumble the catch,
and lose the next flip—flop.
Now we're two flip—flops,
two people. ROSIE: Oh, no!
So he goes on a few metres
in his two flip—flops.
I wait in bare feet. He throws
both flip—flops back to me,
and then I catch him up.
That goes on quite well
for about an hour,
until you'll never guess
what happens.
He throws the flip—flop back
to me,
I fumble it, down it goes.
Now we're one flip—flop, two people.
And then you'll never guess
what happened next. What?
A Dutch bloke came round
with two shoes on.
We then tell him the system
that's been going on.
He said, "Well, we won't
continue with that.
"We'll all take one shoe each,"
and we hopped.
Did you make it to the party?
We made it to the beach
where the party was. Yes.
And then we thought,
"We don't fancy it now."
No!
How did you get back?
Bus. We took the bus
that Jamali took. The bus.
But what they did was one person
got on the bus,
the other one walked ahead,
then the bus overtook them,
and he got off the bus
and he got on.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Rosie, what do you think?
Does it strike you as true?
Well, the whole story,
Rhod comes across as an idiot,
so, yeah, true.
LAUGHTER
What do you think?
I think it's lies.
Why?! Cos this Dutch guy
just came from nowhere.
Yeah.
No, he came from Holland.
LAUGHTER
Maybe that's why it's a lie,
cos if it was a real Dutch guy,
he would be wearing clogs.
LAUGHTER
Yes, that's right.
LEE: That's a good point.
Yeah.
What's it going to be, David?
Do I think it's true?
Ask yourself that.
Yes, I do.
Rhod, was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It's true, Rhod did share flip—flops
with his friend.
Rosie, you're next.
Ooh!
Exciting! I wish everyone was as
excited about being on the show
as Rosie.
Last month,
I got a tattoo of Lee Mack...
Oh, God.
...so I could mention it
on the show.
Where is the tattoo?
It's just there, my shoulder.
Is it your first tattoo?
No, it's my second.
What's the first one?
She's got Rob and David
on each boob.
So when you went into the tattoo
parlour and said,
"Please can I have a tattoo
of Lee Mack,"
what was the reaction
from the tattooist?
She just laughed.
Did she know who Lee was?
Yeah. Sorry, Victoria,
did you just ask that?
But why Lee?
I mean, look at, look at David.
Exactly!
Can I ask how much it cost?
300 quid.
300 quid? Is that all?
Yeah.
300 quid for my face?
I'd have happily put some ink
on my face
and run into your back
for that price.
Are you going to turn it
into something else?
No, she's happy with Lee Mack,
thank you very much.
Yeah. Oh, so you are keeping
the Lee Mack tattoo?
Yeah.
You're not lasering it off?
Lee, I really like you.
Oh, listen, it's very nice of you to
say, but you did open up by saying,
"I only did it so I had
something to say on the show.”
But thank you, that's nice.
I like you, but I'm not
committing it to ink.
I haven't got any tattoos
on my body.
David, from the neck down,
is covered in it.
Absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Mainly former prime ministers,
though.
LAUGHTER
So what are you thinking, Victoria?
I don't think she'd want
a tattoo of Lee Mack.
I don't think anyone.
I mean...
LAUGHTER
I don't think anyone
would go that far. No of fence.
I, erm... I disagree.
The bit I know about Rosie,
I'm not saying she would do me,
but I can imagine her
just doing it for a laugh.
Me? Unusual choice.
I think that's the bottom line,
isn't it?
I've got one of just literally
a raw potato,
and I don't think it's as weird
as having one of you.
In fact, I was offered you
in the tattoo shop,
and I said,
"No, I'll have a potato."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What do we think? Truth or lie?
Well, obviously,
I want it to be true.
I can't believe your ego
is letting you even
think about this for a second.
LAUGHTER
Well, you know,
I'm a good—looking lad, and...
I don't know.
Lee, it's not true, mate.
I think it might be.
OK. It's obviously a lie,
but I wish it was true.
But do you know what, Rosie?
Thanks for even thinking of it.
You're going to say it's a lie?
Yeah.
OK, Rosie, was it a lie,
or was it, in fact, true?
ROSIE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY
VICTORIA: Oh, my God.
It is actually...
It's going to be true.
...a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, thank goodness it's a lie.
Rosie didn't get a tattoo of Lee
Mack. It's not a bad idea, though.
It's the worst idea in the world.
LAUGHTER
Why would I do that?
I am sat here!
But do you know what, Rosie?
Do you know what I'll do
when I leave this studio?
I'll get your face removed
from my back.
Right, Jamali, you're next.
I once broke Bob Marley's toilet.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
Wow.
When was this?
This was in the '90s, because
I must have been about eight.
When did Bob Marley pass away?
Bob Marley passed away in the '80s,
but, I mean, I just broke
his toilet. I didn't...
Oh, yeah, I'm not accusing you
of anything.
Where is Bob Marley's toilet?
In Jamaica.
So is his house, like, a museum now?
Yeah, exactly. You can go around
and look like Graceland.
Yeah, you can have
a little look around.
What, you can go around the museum
and you can use the toilet?
Well, see, no, that's the...
OK, so this is his private toilet.
So it's not for use? No, no. I
wasn't meant to be in there. Right.
I need to go toilet badly, and
the other toilet was real far away,
and I'm drinking, like,
a big bottle of water the whole way,
and I'm being really annoying
to the tour guide.
Deliberately?
No, just cos I was this
annoying kid, innit?
Thank God you grew out of that.
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
So as I'm talking and talking,
my mum is telling me to shut up,
and the tour guide's like, "No, no,
he's the future. Let him speak.”
And I kept asking questions, and
then by the end...
What kind of questions
were you asking?
Just like, "What's that?"
"Who's that?" "Where's Bob?"
You know what I mean? Are you sure
you weren't playing Guess Who?
By the end of it, he was like,
"This kid needs to shut up."
Right. And then I was like,
"I need to go toilet badly.
"I need to go toilet badly."
And I've rushed in, and it's sort
of been slippery on the floor,
and I was, like,
a real fat kid as well.
And I've just gone in,
I've hit the toilet,
and it's sort of just come off.
What, the loo seat? No, not just
the loo seat, the actual toilet.
DAVID: The pedestal. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Oh, the porcelain?!
Yeah, yeah, the porcelain.
Yeah, it's, like, shifted round.
LEE: Wow. And as I've tried
to get up, and I'm slipping,
and I'm panicking,
I've pushed it more,
and I've broke Bob Marley's toilet.
When he opened the door and you were
there in a pool on the floor
with a broken toilet, did he still
think you were the future?
No, he was... He was so mad.
Really?
Like, I've never seen a Rastaman
not be that chill.
LAUGHTER
So you're lying on the floor,
what did you do next?
Did you Get Up, Stand Up?
Hey! That was good.
I'm quoting a Bob Marley
song for comic effect.
Has anyone been to Jamaica?
What's that got to do with it?
Well, because I don't know
if there's a Bob Marley house
that you can walk around.
Oh, probably.
Oh, well, that'll do, then,
thanks for the evidence.
I think it's true, you know.
What do you think, Victoria?
True. True?
Yeah, I've gone against myself. OK.
I'll say it's true.
You're going to say it's true, OK.
Jamal, truth or Lie?
It is...
...true. Yay! Well done.
It's true, Jamali really did break
Bob Marley's toilet.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one
of our panellists. This week,
each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Pam.
APPLAUSE
So, Victoria, what is Pam to you?
This is Pam.
She once returned my missing cat,
only for my actual cat
to turn up two days later.
All right. Victoria's pet pal.
Rhod, how do you know Pam?
This is Pam. I once had to say sorry
to her for throwing my welly
at her owls.
Rhod's owl owner.
And finally, Lee,
what is your relationship with Pam?
This is Pam.
She once walked into her hotel room
to find me in her bath.
So, there you have it.
David's team, where to begin?
So, Victoria, so you had lost
your cat, is that right? Yes.
And what did the cat look like?
Black. Just black all over?
Correct.
And how long had the cat
been missing?
Maybe two or three days. Right.
And had you done anything
about the cat being missing?
Yes, we'd put flyers up
on bus stops,
lampposts, newsagent's window.
Yeah. Name of the cat?
Romeo. Romeo? And so...
Did you put underneath,
"Wherefore art thou?"
No, I should have done!
Except, of course, that means
"WHY are you?" Not "Where".
Yes. Good point, David.
I realised he didn't realise that.
No.
I love working with you, David.
Such fun.
If it's any consolation,
Lee, and I know it will be,
I welled up with self—loathing even
as I said it,
but I couldn't not say it.
Well, that's fair enough.
This is one of the many things
I'm dealing with.
OK, well, can you hurry up
and get it sorted out?
That's what my therapist
says at every session.
So, soon after the... as it
were, the flyering campaign,
Pam turned up? Yep.
And did you know Pam before?
Vaguely. How did you know her?
Because she's the landlady
of my local pub. Right.
And she says "vaguely,”
you mean very well, Victoria.
So when she brought
the fake Romeo back,
did you know it wasn't your cat?
No, I thought it was Romeo!
We were completely happy
to have him back.
You know, he looked
a bit thinner...
A bit more black—and—whitey.
A bit more doggy.
LAUGHTER
But then, when the real Romeo came
back...? So there was meowing
at the back door, two days—ish
after that, and opened the back door
and there was Romeo. Yeah.
So then I thought, oh, my God,
I've got to go back to Pam... Yeah.
...to say, "Whose is this cat?
Because he's not mine." Yeah.
So we decided that we should take
it to the Battersea Cats and Dogs
Home, which we did. Do people go to
Battersea Cats Home and go,
"We've lost our cat"? Yeah, you ring
up. It's not a good system.
You ring up, you go,
"My cat's gone missing.”
"What does it look like?"
"It's black."
"I'll go and have a look.
Yeah, yeah, we've found it."
Do you know if the original owner
was ever reunited with fake Romeo?
I do, because I rang about seven
days later to find out
what had happened, and fake Romeo
had been reunited with his owner.
Awww! Awww! Awww! What a lovely
end to the story.
Was Pam the real owner? Was that
the twist in the story? No!
Who would you like
to quiz next? Rhod.
Just remind us, Rhod
of your statement, please.
This is Pam, and I once had to say
sorry to her for throwing my welly
at her owls.
Rhod? Yeah. Were you sharing your
welly with a friend?
Well...
...yes, I was, in a way, because I
say my welly, it was my welly
for the duration
of the welly—throwing. Nice.
Why was Pam's owl attending
the welly—throwing contest?
The welly—throwing... contest...
Yes?
...was at a, like, a little fete,
a festival, a little...
It was at a wedding.
It was a wedding...
LAUGHTER
...and the wedding...
...people decided to have, like, a
fete, a festival, a little carnival
to entertain people in the day
before the wedding.
Yeah, but why is that part
of the festival,
just a woman was standing
with owls?
I mean, it's a good question.
Pam and her owls were at the
wedding.
Are you saying "Pamela Owls"
or "Pam and her owls"?
There's Pam... and her owls...
Yes... there's welly—throwing,
there's food stalls,
there's coconut shies,
there's... other things going on.
OK, so the Pam and her owl section,
what's the activity?
Just a good old look at an owl?
There's a little gazebo and then
there's owls on, like, podiums
that you can go up and read about,
and you can ask Pam about her owl.
These aren't models of owls,
these are live owls?
Oh, they're live owls. Did you say
"Are they live owls?" Yeah.
The idea of someone coming
along with owls sounds very dull,
but for Pam and her owls and they're
just little cement owls
would be... "Right, thanks, Pam.
"I'm just going to go to
the food stall.”
Pam's got a show with her dead owls.
LAUGHTER
Pam and her dead owls have arrived!
Do the owls do anything?
Or do they just sit there?
Just... They just sit there.
They sit there and observe the
people reading about them?
Pam assured me that they were alive.
But if they were in the gazebo...
Yeah... when you threw the welly,
how did it hit the owls?
Shall I show you what happened?
Yes, please do. Right.
There's two techniques
with welly—throwing.
You've got the basic swing, like
that, or - you'll know this, Rob -
you've got the hammer. Of course.
Yes. Right?
I swung like that, let go
a little bit too late...
Oh! ..on an angle.
Here's Pam and her owls,
two owls on the plinth.
Yeah. I leave go of the welly,
it goes straight into their gazebo.
This is how I knew they were alive.
It went straight through the middle
of them, and the two of them went
like that. So the owls weren't hit
or hurt? Thankfully.
But they might have cricked their
necks. Because I don't think Pam
would be standing
like that if I'd killed them.
All right, now, then,
what about Lee?
Just remind us.
This is Pam.
She once walked into a hotel room
to find me in her bath.
So why were you in her bath?
Because I was in the wrong room.
How did you end up
in the wrong room?
I ended up in the wrong room
because I locked myself out.
So you thought you'd just pick
any one?
No, I went down to reception
and told them this.
I said, "I'm in...
I've locked myself out."
And they said, "Oh, what...?"
"So just go in Pam"s room.”
They said, "Don't worry, she's
at a wedding with her owls,
"you'll be all right for an hour."
They said, "What room are you in?"
Gave them the room number.
Didn't realise I'd got the room
number wrong.
Ah! Ah! Yeah. He's gone
in the room... Correct.
Haven't you noticed that
your suitcase is not there...?
No, because I... You just went
straight in the bathroom
like a nutter? You just went...
No...
I had checked into the hotel
a few hours earlier.
I was very late for a show
I was doing.
I'd put my suitcase just next
to the bed and ran straight
to the show.
You go in the room...
Yeah... you go immediately
into the bathroom,
you haven't gone into the main bit
of the room... Correct... in a way
which would be, there's no
doubt, more normal.
Have you ever needed the toilet,
desperately? But you did...
You went to the bath,
not the toilet.
Hey, I'm from up North!
I can double up. Yeah!
So you're naked,
you're in the bath... Yeah.
...Pam walks in... Yeah.
What happened?
I'd got my headphones on,
I'm chilling out to a bit
of whatever,
and then I think I hear a click,
if I'm going to be honest,
at the time I'm thinking...
And it's Pam cocking a gun.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, I'm lying there,
and she comes in. Right.
This must have been a very upsetting
moment for both of you,
but particularly for her.
No, I think particularly for me.
No, sir, not for you. For you, the
company was a plus. No. For her.
No, no, no! How did she react?
I, as far as I'm concerned,
I'm in my own bath.
Who's going to be the most
upset at that point?
Were you exposed in the bath?
Oh, no, no.
I put bubble bath in, because even
I can't stand the sight of it.
So what happened then? She stepped
out. At this point, she's on the
phone now to reception, saying,
"There's a man in my bath."
So I went round the corner
to have it out with Pam.
I see female clothes strewn
everywhere, and I don't
like being in the wrong,
so I just went,
"Well, somebody's very untidy,"
and I left.
She wasn't happy, until I turned
at the last moment, I said,
just as the door was closing, I just
put my foot in like that and wedged
it and went, "Would you like
to come on Would I Lie To You?"
All right. We need an answer.
So, David's team, is Pam
Victoria's pet pal,
Rhod's owl owner,
or Lee's bemused bather?
I think Victoria,
because Pam looks
like a pub owner.
She looks like she could
handle the tap.
Yeah. She could that night!
LAUGHTER
What do you think?
I think it's...
I think it's Victoria.
Also, I don't believe
a single word
Lee or Rhod says.
That would be a good reason
to go for Victoria. Yeah.
You don't believe the bit
about me even having a bath?
No. Look at you!
I'm going Victoria.
You still think Victoria?
I do. I'm very worried about this.
I think it might be Rhod,
but we're going to go for Victoria.
You're going to say it's Victoria?
Yeah. OK, Pam, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Pam, and Rhod threw
a Wellington boot at my owls.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Pam is Rhod's owl owner.
Thank you very much, Pam.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
It's Victoria.
I once came to blows with someone
over the correct way to pronounce
the word "scone".
You mean scohn?
Scoan. OK. David.
I think you've got to the root of
the issue there. Yes, yes.
You came to blows,
did you say? What happened?
Um...
Jane at school asked us all how we
pronounce the word scone.
How old were you?
I was 14.147
And why were you debating scones?
Um...
Was this not an issue at your
school, Jamali?
No, I think we grew up differently.
LAUGHTER
So, define "come to blows".
I pushed Helen Webster
against the lockers.
ALL GASP
Oh! What about Jane?
What about Jane? Jane had said,
"How do you pronounce scone?"
Yeah? And I said, "Scoan". And then
bloomin' Helen Webster... And then
Helen said, "Oh, if you
pronounce it like that,
"you're a snob." Or a snoab.
Or a snoab!
LAUGHTER
So, how do you pronounce it, David?
I would pronounce it scohn.
And I think the reason I pronounce
it scohn is because I'm a snob.
I think scohn sounds less snobbish.
There's something about... Yes.
...scoan that sounds... I think scohn
is quite, like...
"I'm having a scohn.”
"I'm having a scoan, innit?”
Scohn is common as muck.
What do you say?
I say whopper.
I think eating scoans is kind of
snobby in itself.
Yeah, I'm not saying I never ate
them. Honestly, this is the first
time I've ever even heard of a
scoan. Are you joking me?!
No, I was saying it
for comical effect. I have.
I have eaten scoans.
And they're very nice with a bit
of cream and jam.
What do you think? Is she telling
the truth about this?
It is an area where, you know,
that pronunciation is linked
to people's views on class.
I find the way you pronounce
"class” quite posh.
Well, I am famously,
exceptionally posh.
I mean, I am like the poshest
person on Earth.
That's my whole schtick.
I eat nothing but pheasant.
And when he says pheasant,
he means a peasant.
Yeah, absolutely.
And yet you say scohn, like us?
Yeah, because, I hate to tell you,
that is the posher way
of saying it.
You say it's the posher way,
I'd say 99.9% of people
say scohn, like me.
No, they don't!
Oh, yes, they do! Fight, fight!
Give us a cheer if you say scohn.
CHEERING
Give us a cheer if you don't know
how to pronounce it properly.
SCATTERED CHEERS
So there you go.
CROSSTALK
I think you skewed that survey.
Slightly.
So, what do you think?
Is she telling the truth?
...Well, what do you think?
How masterful of you!
Thank you.
Mah-sterful.
Oh, he's just... I want to push him
against a locker.
And when I say locker,
I mean bed of nails.
When you say bed of nails,
you mean bed.
LAUGHTER
Do you think it's true?
So, I really like Victoria,
but I think, deep down
within her,
there is a thug.
LAUGHTER
So... I'm saying true.
Jamali. What do you think?
Do you know what? Like, in my mind,
I don't think people at private
school fight like that.
That seems like something
that happened in my school, like,
push up against the locker.
I expect more of, like,
a glove slap and a duel.
But I'm going to say it's true.
I think Victoria would be raging
over scohns.
What's it going to be, David?
I think we think it's true.
OK, Victoria,
it was a harrowing tale.
Is it true or is it a lie?
It is...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It's true, Victoria did come to
blows over how to pronounce scone.
BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
has won by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",
the show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
one of Wales's most popular
entertainers
has the pleasure
of introducing this man.
It's comedian Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a newsreader who says
she would love to host
a fun, intelligent entertainment
show,
That makes two of us.
It's Victoria Derbyshire.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, an award—winning comedian
who started out as a researcher
on this show, and now she's a guest,
she's finally allowed
to make eye contact with me.
It's Rosie Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedian who once visited
the Norfolk B—roads
for a holiday prog...
Sorry, I've misread that.
It was the Norfolk Broads.
It's Jamali Maddix.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction,
and Rhod is first up tonight.
I once had to share flip—flops
with a friend
after losing one of mine on a hike.
Is that it?
No, I'm just wondering
whether I lost a flip—flop
or a friend.
LAUGHTER
David's team?
How did that work?
What was the system?
Where were you?
We were in Thailand,
going to a full moon party.
That's not hiking, then, is it?
Yeah. Like, you don't hike
to a full moon party.
I've been to a full moon party.
There was no hiking involved.
Yeah, you probably got the bus
there, did you?
I did get the bus.
That's a good point. That's right.
What's a full moon party?
Everyone else seems to know.
Well, let's start with a party
first. Do you know what that is?
Yes, it's a group
of individuals
of the same political persuasion,
and in totalitarian circumstances,
it can become dominant.
APPLAUSE
There's a certain island in Thailand
where every month they have a full
moon, the full moon is out,
and there's a big party
on the beach, ,
so we thought, "We'll go to that,
we'll have a little bit of that."
Me and my friend, we thought
we'd go round the headland.
It's only about an hour, they said
to walk around the headland,
but we set off in flip—flops.
Mm—hm.
Bad idea.
What time of day?
Well, midday, probably. Midday?
But it's a full moon party. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You've got to get there early,
David.
So you were planning to get there
at lunchtime
and then just wait for dusk. We
thought we'd have a bit of lunch
and make a day of it.
Rhod, jump to the moment now where
you have to share the flip—flops.
Right, so two of us,
two flip—flops each,
four flip—flops, two people.
That went on really well for about
an hour until I lost a flip—flop.
DAVID AND ROSIE: How?
Leapt across a rock.
Waves crashing below,
hot, jaggedy rocks,
and flip—flop fell in the water.
Gone.
Three flip—flops, two people.
Carried on like that for an hour.
My friend going on a few metres
in two flip—flops,
then throwing a flip—flop
back to me.
I put his flip—flop on with my other
flip—flop and I caught him up.
That went on for quite a while,
that system, and...
Hang on,
I'm not clear on that system.
Here it is.
This is me, this is him.
Yeah. He goes forward
in his two flip—flops. Yes.
Throws a flip—flop back to me...
Yeah.
...I put his flip—flop on
and I catch him up.
This is the exact chat they have
in the Welsh football dressing room.
LAUGHTER
So that system went on well
for a while... Yeah.
...until he throws the flip—flop,
I fumble the catch,
and lose the next flip—flop.
Now we're two flip—flops,
two people. ROSIE: Oh, no!
So he goes on a few metres
in his two flip—flops.
I wait in bare feet. He throws
both flip—flops back to me,
and then I catch him up.
That goes on quite well
for about an hour,
until you'll never guess
what happens.
He throws the flip—flop back
to me,
I fumble it, down it goes.
Now we're one flip—flop, two people.
And then you'll never guess
what happened next. What?
A Dutch bloke came round
with two shoes on.
We then tell him the system
that's been going on.
He said, "Well, we won't
continue with that.
"We'll all take one shoe each,"
and we hopped.
Did you make it to the party?
We made it to the beach
where the party was. Yes.
And then we thought,
"We don't fancy it now."
No!
How did you get back?
Bus. We took the bus
that Jamali took. The bus.
But what they did was one person
got on the bus,
the other one walked ahead,
then the bus overtook them,
and he got off the bus
and he got on.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Rosie, what do you think?
Does it strike you as true?
Well, the whole story,
Rhod comes across as an idiot,
so, yeah, true.
LAUGHTER
What do you think?
I think it's lies.
Why?! Cos this Dutch guy
just came from nowhere.
Yeah.
No, he came from Holland.
LAUGHTER
Maybe that's why it's a lie,
cos if it was a real Dutch guy,
he would be wearing clogs.
LAUGHTER
Yes, that's right.
LEE: That's a good point.
Yeah.
What's it going to be, David?
Do I think it's true?
Ask yourself that.
Yes, I do.
Rhod, was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It's true, Rhod did share flip—flops
with his friend.
Rosie, you're next.
Ooh!
Exciting! I wish everyone was as
excited about being on the show
as Rosie.
Last month,
I got a tattoo of Lee Mack...
Oh, God.
...so I could mention it
on the show.
Where is the tattoo?
It's just there, my shoulder.
Is it your first tattoo?
No, it's my second.
What's the first one?
She's got Rob and David
on each boob.
So when you went into the tattoo
parlour and said,
"Please can I have a tattoo
of Lee Mack,"
what was the reaction
from the tattooist?
She just laughed.
Did she know who Lee was?
Yeah. Sorry, Victoria,
did you just ask that?
But why Lee?
I mean, look at, look at David.
Exactly!
Can I ask how much it cost?
300 quid.
300 quid? Is that all?
Yeah.
300 quid for my face?
I'd have happily put some ink
on my face
and run into your back
for that price.
Are you going to turn it
into something else?
No, she's happy with Lee Mack,
thank you very much.
Yeah. Oh, so you are keeping
the Lee Mack tattoo?
Yeah.
You're not lasering it off?
Lee, I really like you.
Oh, listen, it's very nice of you to
say, but you did open up by saying,
"I only did it so I had
something to say on the show.”
But thank you, that's nice.
I like you, but I'm not
committing it to ink.
I haven't got any tattoos
on my body.
David, from the neck down,
is covered in it.
Absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Mainly former prime ministers,
though.
LAUGHTER
So what are you thinking, Victoria?
I don't think she'd want
a tattoo of Lee Mack.
I don't think anyone.
I mean...
LAUGHTER
I don't think anyone
would go that far. No of fence.
I, erm... I disagree.
The bit I know about Rosie,
I'm not saying she would do me,
but I can imagine her
just doing it for a laugh.
Me? Unusual choice.
I think that's the bottom line,
isn't it?
I've got one of just literally
a raw potato,
and I don't think it's as weird
as having one of you.
In fact, I was offered you
in the tattoo shop,
and I said,
"No, I'll have a potato."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What do we think? Truth or lie?
Well, obviously,
I want it to be true.
I can't believe your ego
is letting you even
think about this for a second.
LAUGHTER
Well, you know,
I'm a good—looking lad, and...
I don't know.
Lee, it's not true, mate.
I think it might be.
OK. It's obviously a lie,
but I wish it was true.
But do you know what, Rosie?
Thanks for even thinking of it.
You're going to say it's a lie?
Yeah.
OK, Rosie, was it a lie,
or was it, in fact, true?
ROSIE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY
VICTORIA: Oh, my God.
It is actually...
It's going to be true.
...a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, thank goodness it's a lie.
Rosie didn't get a tattoo of Lee
Mack. It's not a bad idea, though.
It's the worst idea in the world.
LAUGHTER
Why would I do that?
I am sat here!
But do you know what, Rosie?
Do you know what I'll do
when I leave this studio?
I'll get your face removed
from my back.
Right, Jamali, you're next.
I once broke Bob Marley's toilet.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
Wow.
When was this?
This was in the '90s, because
I must have been about eight.
When did Bob Marley pass away?
Bob Marley passed away in the '80s,
but, I mean, I just broke
his toilet. I didn't...
Oh, yeah, I'm not accusing you
of anything.
Where is Bob Marley's toilet?
In Jamaica.
So is his house, like, a museum now?
Yeah, exactly. You can go around
and look like Graceland.
Yeah, you can have
a little look around.
What, you can go around the museum
and you can use the toilet?
Well, see, no, that's the...
OK, so this is his private toilet.
So it's not for use? No, no. I
wasn't meant to be in there. Right.
I need to go toilet badly, and
the other toilet was real far away,
and I'm drinking, like,
a big bottle of water the whole way,
and I'm being really annoying
to the tour guide.
Deliberately?
No, just cos I was this
annoying kid, innit?
Thank God you grew out of that.
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
So as I'm talking and talking,
my mum is telling me to shut up,
and the tour guide's like, "No, no,
he's the future. Let him speak.”
And I kept asking questions, and
then by the end...
What kind of questions
were you asking?
Just like, "What's that?"
"Who's that?" "Where's Bob?"
You know what I mean? Are you sure
you weren't playing Guess Who?
By the end of it, he was like,
"This kid needs to shut up."
Right. And then I was like,
"I need to go toilet badly.
"I need to go toilet badly."
And I've rushed in, and it's sort
of been slippery on the floor,
and I was, like,
a real fat kid as well.
And I've just gone in,
I've hit the toilet,
and it's sort of just come off.
What, the loo seat? No, not just
the loo seat, the actual toilet.
DAVID: The pedestal. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Oh, the porcelain?!
Yeah, yeah, the porcelain.
Yeah, it's, like, shifted round.
LEE: Wow. And as I've tried
to get up, and I'm slipping,
and I'm panicking,
I've pushed it more,
and I've broke Bob Marley's toilet.
When he opened the door and you were
there in a pool on the floor
with a broken toilet, did he still
think you were the future?
No, he was... He was so mad.
Really?
Like, I've never seen a Rastaman
not be that chill.
LAUGHTER
So you're lying on the floor,
what did you do next?
Did you Get Up, Stand Up?
Hey! That was good.
I'm quoting a Bob Marley
song for comic effect.
Has anyone been to Jamaica?
What's that got to do with it?
Well, because I don't know
if there's a Bob Marley house
that you can walk around.
Oh, probably.
Oh, well, that'll do, then,
thanks for the evidence.
I think it's true, you know.
What do you think, Victoria?
True. True?
Yeah, I've gone against myself. OK.
I'll say it's true.
You're going to say it's true, OK.
Jamal, truth or Lie?
It is...
...true. Yay! Well done.
It's true, Jamali really did break
Bob Marley's toilet.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one
of our panellists. This week,
each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Pam.
APPLAUSE
So, Victoria, what is Pam to you?
This is Pam.
She once returned my missing cat,
only for my actual cat
to turn up two days later.
All right. Victoria's pet pal.
Rhod, how do you know Pam?
This is Pam. I once had to say sorry
to her for throwing my welly
at her owls.
Rhod's owl owner.
And finally, Lee,
what is your relationship with Pam?
This is Pam.
She once walked into her hotel room
to find me in her bath.
So, there you have it.
David's team, where to begin?
So, Victoria, so you had lost
your cat, is that right? Yes.
And what did the cat look like?
Black. Just black all over?
Correct.
And how long had the cat
been missing?
Maybe two or three days. Right.
And had you done anything
about the cat being missing?
Yes, we'd put flyers up
on bus stops,
lampposts, newsagent's window.
Yeah. Name of the cat?
Romeo. Romeo? And so...
Did you put underneath,
"Wherefore art thou?"
No, I should have done!
Except, of course, that means
"WHY are you?" Not "Where".
Yes. Good point, David.
I realised he didn't realise that.
No.
I love working with you, David.
Such fun.
If it's any consolation,
Lee, and I know it will be,
I welled up with self—loathing even
as I said it,
but I couldn't not say it.
Well, that's fair enough.
This is one of the many things
I'm dealing with.
OK, well, can you hurry up
and get it sorted out?
That's what my therapist
says at every session.
So, soon after the... as it
were, the flyering campaign,
Pam turned up? Yep.
And did you know Pam before?
Vaguely. How did you know her?
Because she's the landlady
of my local pub. Right.
And she says "vaguely,”
you mean very well, Victoria.
So when she brought
the fake Romeo back,
did you know it wasn't your cat?
No, I thought it was Romeo!
We were completely happy
to have him back.
You know, he looked
a bit thinner...
A bit more black—and—whitey.
A bit more doggy.
LAUGHTER
But then, when the real Romeo came
back...? So there was meowing
at the back door, two days—ish
after that, and opened the back door
and there was Romeo. Yeah.
So then I thought, oh, my God,
I've got to go back to Pam... Yeah.
...to say, "Whose is this cat?
Because he's not mine." Yeah.
So we decided that we should take
it to the Battersea Cats and Dogs
Home, which we did. Do people go to
Battersea Cats Home and go,
"We've lost our cat"? Yeah, you ring
up. It's not a good system.
You ring up, you go,
"My cat's gone missing.”
"What does it look like?"
"It's black."
"I'll go and have a look.
Yeah, yeah, we've found it."
Do you know if the original owner
was ever reunited with fake Romeo?
I do, because I rang about seven
days later to find out
what had happened, and fake Romeo
had been reunited with his owner.
Awww! Awww! Awww! What a lovely
end to the story.
Was Pam the real owner? Was that
the twist in the story? No!
Who would you like
to quiz next? Rhod.
Just remind us, Rhod
of your statement, please.
This is Pam, and I once had to say
sorry to her for throwing my welly
at her owls.
Rhod? Yeah. Were you sharing your
welly with a friend?
Well...
...yes, I was, in a way, because I
say my welly, it was my welly
for the duration
of the welly—throwing. Nice.
Why was Pam's owl attending
the welly—throwing contest?
The welly—throwing... contest...
Yes?
...was at a, like, a little fete,
a festival, a little...
It was at a wedding.
It was a wedding...
LAUGHTER
...and the wedding...
...people decided to have, like, a
fete, a festival, a little carnival
to entertain people in the day
before the wedding.
Yeah, but why is that part
of the festival,
just a woman was standing
with owls?
I mean, it's a good question.
Pam and her owls were at the
wedding.
Are you saying "Pamela Owls"
or "Pam and her owls"?
There's Pam... and her owls...
Yes... there's welly—throwing,
there's food stalls,
there's coconut shies,
there's... other things going on.
OK, so the Pam and her owl section,
what's the activity?
Just a good old look at an owl?
There's a little gazebo and then
there's owls on, like, podiums
that you can go up and read about,
and you can ask Pam about her owl.
These aren't models of owls,
these are live owls?
Oh, they're live owls. Did you say
"Are they live owls?" Yeah.
The idea of someone coming
along with owls sounds very dull,
but for Pam and her owls and they're
just little cement owls
would be... "Right, thanks, Pam.
"I'm just going to go to
the food stall.”
Pam's got a show with her dead owls.
LAUGHTER
Pam and her dead owls have arrived!
Do the owls do anything?
Or do they just sit there?
Just... They just sit there.
They sit there and observe the
people reading about them?
Pam assured me that they were alive.
But if they were in the gazebo...
Yeah... when you threw the welly,
how did it hit the owls?
Shall I show you what happened?
Yes, please do. Right.
There's two techniques
with welly—throwing.
You've got the basic swing, like
that, or - you'll know this, Rob -
you've got the hammer. Of course.
Yes. Right?
I swung like that, let go
a little bit too late...
Oh! ..on an angle.
Here's Pam and her owls,
two owls on the plinth.
Yeah. I leave go of the welly,
it goes straight into their gazebo.
This is how I knew they were alive.
It went straight through the middle
of them, and the two of them went
like that. So the owls weren't hit
or hurt? Thankfully.
But they might have cricked their
necks. Because I don't think Pam
would be standing
like that if I'd killed them.
All right, now, then,
what about Lee?
Just remind us.
This is Pam.
She once walked into a hotel room
to find me in her bath.
So why were you in her bath?
Because I was in the wrong room.
How did you end up
in the wrong room?
I ended up in the wrong room
because I locked myself out.
So you thought you'd just pick
any one?
No, I went down to reception
and told them this.
I said, "I'm in...
I've locked myself out."
And they said, "Oh, what...?"
"So just go in Pam"s room.”
They said, "Don't worry, she's
at a wedding with her owls,
"you'll be all right for an hour."
They said, "What room are you in?"
Gave them the room number.
Didn't realise I'd got the room
number wrong.
Ah! Ah! Yeah. He's gone
in the room... Correct.
Haven't you noticed that
your suitcase is not there...?
No, because I... You just went
straight in the bathroom
like a nutter? You just went...
No...
I had checked into the hotel
a few hours earlier.
I was very late for a show
I was doing.
I'd put my suitcase just next
to the bed and ran straight
to the show.
You go in the room...
Yeah... you go immediately
into the bathroom,
you haven't gone into the main bit
of the room... Correct... in a way
which would be, there's no
doubt, more normal.
Have you ever needed the toilet,
desperately? But you did...
You went to the bath,
not the toilet.
Hey, I'm from up North!
I can double up. Yeah!
So you're naked,
you're in the bath... Yeah.
...Pam walks in... Yeah.
What happened?
I'd got my headphones on,
I'm chilling out to a bit
of whatever,
and then I think I hear a click,
if I'm going to be honest,
at the time I'm thinking...
And it's Pam cocking a gun.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, I'm lying there,
and she comes in. Right.
This must have been a very upsetting
moment for both of you,
but particularly for her.
No, I think particularly for me.
No, sir, not for you. For you, the
company was a plus. No. For her.
No, no, no! How did she react?
I, as far as I'm concerned,
I'm in my own bath.
Who's going to be the most
upset at that point?
Were you exposed in the bath?
Oh, no, no.
I put bubble bath in, because even
I can't stand the sight of it.
So what happened then? She stepped
out. At this point, she's on the
phone now to reception, saying,
"There's a man in my bath."
So I went round the corner
to have it out with Pam.
I see female clothes strewn
everywhere, and I don't
like being in the wrong,
so I just went,
"Well, somebody's very untidy,"
and I left.
She wasn't happy, until I turned
at the last moment, I said,
just as the door was closing, I just
put my foot in like that and wedged
it and went, "Would you like
to come on Would I Lie To You?"
All right. We need an answer.
So, David's team, is Pam
Victoria's pet pal,
Rhod's owl owner,
or Lee's bemused bather?
I think Victoria,
because Pam looks
like a pub owner.
She looks like she could
handle the tap.
Yeah. She could that night!
LAUGHTER
What do you think?
I think it's...
I think it's Victoria.
Also, I don't believe
a single word
Lee or Rhod says.
That would be a good reason
to go for Victoria. Yeah.
You don't believe the bit
about me even having a bath?
No. Look at you!
I'm going Victoria.
You still think Victoria?
I do. I'm very worried about this.
I think it might be Rhod,
but we're going to go for Victoria.
You're going to say it's Victoria?
Yeah. OK, Pam, would you please
reveal your true identity?
I'm Pam, and Rhod threw
a Wellington boot at my owls.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Pam is Rhod's owl owner.
Thank you very much, Pam.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
It's Victoria.
I once came to blows with someone
over the correct way to pronounce
the word "scone".
You mean scohn?
Scoan. OK. David.
I think you've got to the root of
the issue there. Yes, yes.
You came to blows,
did you say? What happened?
Um...
Jane at school asked us all how we
pronounce the word scone.
How old were you?
I was 14.147
And why were you debating scones?
Um...
Was this not an issue at your
school, Jamali?
No, I think we grew up differently.
LAUGHTER
So, define "come to blows".
I pushed Helen Webster
against the lockers.
ALL GASP
Oh! What about Jane?
What about Jane? Jane had said,
"How do you pronounce scone?"
Yeah? And I said, "Scoan". And then
bloomin' Helen Webster... And then
Helen said, "Oh, if you
pronounce it like that,
"you're a snob." Or a snoab.
Or a snoab!
LAUGHTER
So, how do you pronounce it, David?
I would pronounce it scohn.
And I think the reason I pronounce
it scohn is because I'm a snob.
I think scohn sounds less snobbish.
There's something about... Yes.
...scoan that sounds... I think scohn
is quite, like...
"I'm having a scohn.”
"I'm having a scoan, innit?”
Scohn is common as muck.
What do you say?
I say whopper.
I think eating scoans is kind of
snobby in itself.
Yeah, I'm not saying I never ate
them. Honestly, this is the first
time I've ever even heard of a
scoan. Are you joking me?!
No, I was saying it
for comical effect. I have.
I have eaten scoans.
And they're very nice with a bit
of cream and jam.
What do you think? Is she telling
the truth about this?
It is an area where, you know,
that pronunciation is linked
to people's views on class.
I find the way you pronounce
"class” quite posh.
Well, I am famously,
exceptionally posh.
I mean, I am like the poshest
person on Earth.
That's my whole schtick.
I eat nothing but pheasant.
And when he says pheasant,
he means a peasant.
Yeah, absolutely.
And yet you say scohn, like us?
Yeah, because, I hate to tell you,
that is the posher way
of saying it.
You say it's the posher way,
I'd say 99.9% of people
say scohn, like me.
No, they don't!
Oh, yes, they do! Fight, fight!
Give us a cheer if you say scohn.
CHEERING
Give us a cheer if you don't know
how to pronounce it properly.
SCATTERED CHEERS
So there you go.
CROSSTALK
I think you skewed that survey.
Slightly.
So, what do you think?
Is she telling the truth?
...Well, what do you think?
How masterful of you!
Thank you.
Mah-sterful.
Oh, he's just... I want to push him
against a locker.
And when I say locker,
I mean bed of nails.
When you say bed of nails,
you mean bed.
LAUGHTER
Do you think it's true?
So, I really like Victoria,
but I think, deep down
within her,
there is a thug.
LAUGHTER
So... I'm saying true.
Jamali. What do you think?
Do you know what? Like, in my mind,
I don't think people at private
school fight like that.
That seems like something
that happened in my school, like,
push up against the locker.
I expect more of, like,
a glove slap and a duel.
But I'm going to say it's true.
I think Victoria would be raging
over scohns.
What's it going to be, David?
I think we think it's true.
OK, Victoria,
it was a harrowing tale.
Is it true or is it a lie?
It is...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It's true, Victoria did come to
blows over how to pronounce scone.
BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
has won by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE