Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 6 - Episode #15.6 - full transcript

Good evening. Welcome to
Would I Lie To You?, the show

where dishonesty is sometimes
the best policy.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a legendary presenter and gardener,

who loves a dirty weekend with his
favourite hoe, it's Alan Titchmarsh.

And an award-winning rapper who once
released a song called Slow Flow.

I've seen my doctor about that.
It's very common. It's Lady Leshurr.

And, on David Mitchell's team
tonight,

a writer and broadcaster who trained
as a psychotherapist in the 1980s.

I wouldn't know about that,
I'm a little Jung, I'm a-Freud.

It's Philippa Perry.

And a comedian who hosts a podcast
set in beautiful Devon, which



explains why he's always got jam
on his top and cream on his bottom,

it's Mike Wozniak.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea what they'll
be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction

and Alan is first up tonight.
Oh, right.

My Madame Tussaud's waxwork was such
a hit with the ladies it was

kissed more than any other and had
to be cleaned of lipstick every day.

David's team.

When was your waxwork first
included in Madame Tussaud's?

I think it was about the turn
of the millennium, about 2000. OK.

Where were the lipstick marks?



Mike! Mike, please! This is...
It's a family show!

Most of my body was covered
with clothing,

so it was I suspect on the cheeks.
Right.

But actually, now that
Mike's brought it up, what...?

How much do they do
at Madame Tussaud's?

Do they do the whole body? They do.
Including downstairs?

Um... Talk us through the process.

Well, they take you in to the
studio they've got and they

photograph you from every angle
and the way they get every angle is

that they stand you on a turntable
that slowly revolves, you see?

Are you naked?

No, they said, "We can give you
a pair of Lycra shorts that

"Tim Henman wore last week."

New balls?

Where are you in Madame Tussaud's?
I was next to Brad Pitt. No!

I was! When the kissing happened,
they were choosing,

with the greatest of respect,
you over Brad Pitt?

There'd be too much of a crowd round
Brad Pitt, you see, so they'd

come to me cos it was easier to
kiss me cos there was nobody there.

Imagine, Lee, if the day were to
come where you got the call... Yeah.

...what pose would you want
to be immortalised?

I think I would go with the more
traditional...

I wouldn't have Lycra.
I'm a bit braver.

I'd go completely naked,
but then I'd go with that.

David, you are more cerebral,
if I can use that word,

a more cultured man.

Yeah. What sort of look would
you like to project?

I think, very much like on this
show, you know, riding this jet ski.

What are we thinking then
about Alan's claim? Mike? It's...

There's something bogus about it.

I don't think they'd let you
touch the exhibits.

Maybe there's a rope round
David Beckham and George Clooney,

but when it's Alan Titchmarsh...

With the greatest respect,
they didn't foresee the need.

It's more like a sort
of romper room. Have a go!

People have got in the mood,
looking at Clooney and Beckham,

and then, "OK, go in there
and have a go on Titchmarsh."

I've changed my mind, hearing
about the rope. I think it's true.

Obviously, there are other
candidates, but Alan is a very

attractive man and I also think,

and I hope you'll take
this in the right spirit...

LEE: Oh, dear! No.

Not again, David!

...amid your sheer sexual charisma,
there is

also an approachability,

which might mean that you got more
kisses than other more

stereotypically Adonis-like
figures in the public eye,

so I think it could be true.
Would it help if I changed my mind?

Yes, it would. I've decided I think
it's true. OK, we think it's true.

Great!
Mike's got another gig to get to.

A wax Alan Titchmarsh
besieged by fans, is it the truth,

or is it a lie? It is...

...true.

Yes, it's true.

Alan's waxwork really did have the
lipstick cleaned off every day.

Philippa, you're next.

For the past six months,

I've been using David Mitchell to
get me off to sleep each night.

Oh... No further questions, true!

Er... OK. What medium are you
listening to David through?

I have found a stash of podcasts
of The Unbelievable Truth.

Oh, the radio show.
For those that don't know, could you
describe The Unbelievable Truth?

There's four panellists
and they each deliver a lecture

and the other
panellists... have to put...

Oh, you see? I'm going off now!

Have to... Have to find the truth.

It's not going to get picked
up by American TV with this pitch!

What is it about David's nasal
drone that sends you...?

What's the quality in there
that appeals to you?

It's entertaining and it's soothing.

It's like a sort of father
telling me a bedtime story.

And how do you listen to him?
Have you got headphones?

No, I just have my phone very
close to my pillow.

Oh, the speaker on the phone? Yeah.
But what about your husband?

He takes his deaf aids out.
He turns them off at night.

He can't hear anything.

He has his own
way of listening to David!

There is a lovely rhythmical quality
to David's spoken word.

It's very relaxing and it's
not in the slightest bit irritating.

No, that's right!
That's right. It's...

Not in the slightest bit irritating.

I'm going to quote you on that

because it's not everyone's view.
Across the box...

He's not irritating, he's tedious.

It's not tedious!

No, cos, if it was tedious, I'd
go off on my own train of thought,

which would be stimulating
and would wake me up. I see.

But, you know, a lecture on
medieval castles... Phwoar!

How do you get off at night, Alan?

Not very frequently. Um...

How do you visit the Land of Nod?
I spray my pillow... Steady!

Sleep mist. After which, my wife
coughs for a bit and I'm asleep.

All right, so what are we thinking?
Now, Leshurr,

does this strike you as true?
Not really. I feel like there's

so many other things you can listen
to that would put you to sleep.

All right. Alan? Philippa's clearly
a fan. True, for me. Al right.

I think it might be true because

he has got a voice that can, you
know?

Comforting. That's not the word
I was looking for.

What are you going to say?
I think it's true.

You're going to say it's true. OK.
Philippa, truth or lie?

It is...

...true.

It's true! Philippa does fall asleep
to David every night.

Mike, you're next.

As a child, because I was so shy,

I named all the toes on my left foot
and formed a gang with them.

Lee's team. Oof! OK.

Well, would you like to tell us
the names of the...?

Starting with the big toe
and going down the row.

Big toe was Daddy Bruiser.
Daddy Bruiser.

Yeah,
the one next to it was Long Pete

because that toe is
unusually long on me.

Before you say any more, just
remember, there will be a recap.

Right, sure.
Keep these names short and rhyming.

And then there was Linsey. Linsey?

The one in the middle.
You've taken my advice then!

And then the... My ring toe,
I named after my Auntie Barbara.

What was that one called?
That was called Auntie Barbara.

Oh, not just Barbara?
Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara. OK.

And the one at the end was called,
er, Crushed Daisy,

because I used to have a
lot of accidents and I used to sort

of wang my foot into like skirting
boards, or whatever it would be.

Why Auntie Barbara,
rather than any other auntie?

She's my only auntie.

Oh.
That's absolutely watertight! Yeah.

LEE: Is she?

That's an unusual thing to
say about someone's auntie.

Your auntie looks very watertight!

So, would you talk to your toes?
I would talk to them at night.

It was night-time
when I'd get particularly nervous.

Let's go back to young Mike in his
bedroom, alone at night... Yeah.

...with his gang.

Just recreate for us a little
interaction with the toe gang.

It's not going to be untoward,
is it?

Your parents aren't at the door,
hearing you say,

"Come on, let me give you a little
stroke, Auntie Barbara"?

At the end of the bench
is a wardrobe where the wood carving

is quite sort of ghoulish.

Quite a sort of Munchian Scream
thing, which I think was part of

the problem, and I'd say,
I tucked the toes in,

"Don't look at that guy. He can't
hurt you. He's made of wood."

And then we'd get under the duvet
with a little torch,

and I'd light them up one by one.

I would occasionally sort of draw
little hats on them

and faces and stuff.

Did you not think to ask
your parents to just move

the cupboard that was scaring you?

I did repeatedly.
And they just didn't?

They refused.
They refused to "toe" the line.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Hear that? Round of applause.

What I want to know is whether some
people groaned and clapped.

And if so, what was going through
their minds?

All right, Leshurr, what are
you thinking?

I don't think it's the truth
because I feel like -

why would you only focus on one foot

if you've got another five
on this side?

Alan, what do you think?

It is so bizarre
it has to be true. Does it?

I mean, I feel terribly
sorry for you, really.

...Oh.

What are you going to say?

I'm going to say it's a lie.
It's a lie.

OK, Mike, truth or lie?

I was in fact telling

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Mike did not name his toes.

Lady Leshurr, you're next.

Whenever I'm in the recording
studio,

I can only rap in complete darkness.

Well, David, what are the chances
that somebody else has

the same method as you?

What do you think?

Complete darkness?
Complete, absolute, nothing on.

Why?

Because I don't like anybody
to see me when I'm performing.

It's a bit weird, actually, when
I think about it.

But you've got like 60 million views
on YouTube.

It's different, though, because it's
just me and the cameraman.

And then, when you get into
the studio, it's quite intimate.

I feel anxious about the fire
escape light.

What would you do about that?
Classic Mike.

She's talking rap,
you're talking health and safety.

So let me ask you this thing,
if it's total darkness,

you can't be looking at any lyric...
I was going to say sheet music,

but I suppose, if you're rapping,
it's not that.

I'm so sorry about my grandad.

You can't be... You can't be looking
at lyrics.

Have you memorised the lyrics,
or are you improvising the lyrics?

Sometimes I will be prepared,

so I've already written the lyrics
in my phone.

Well, for your generation, the phone
is a companion, isn't it?

It's more than it is for Lee,
which is sort of a lifeline.

It's a... It's a friend,
isn't it?

Yes, it is. Have you got the red
button in the bathroom now as well?

Yes.

And what about the other musicians
in the studio?

So there was a time when I randomly
ended up in studio with Peter Andre.

Peter Andre.
Yeah, so weird, isn't it?

And... But his orange glow
just lit up the room.

But he genuinely was saying,
you know, "What are you doing?”

I was like, "This is the only way
I can record.”

So how did it come about?

So that came about because I was
on The Celebrity Circle.

Leshurr, for the sake of older guys
like Lee,

just explain The Circle
and what it was.

Right, so The Celebrity Circle,
it was basically...

It's like a text screen
and you can only...

For Rob, can you explain what
texting is?

It's just that little thing
on your phone when you...

For Lee, can you explain
what a screen is?

It's not that thing they bring
around the bed

when they change your dressing.

It's a different sort. For Rob,
could you just speak a bit louder?

For Lee, could you not make any
sudden movements?

Could you take Rob to the toilet?

APPLAUSE

All right, what are we thinking?

Philippa, this is one for a
psychotherapist to unpick.

It's a lie. No.

You don't believe it?

No! Because I believe it.

And you're quite excited by it as
well. This is nice to see.

What do you think?

I think she's playing you
like a fiddle.

I think lie. I'm very
comfortable with this scenario

because, if you both think it's a
lie, I'm not going to overrule you.

We'll go lie, but I'll say, "Oh,
actually, I thought it was true,”

and that is win-win.

We are going to say lie.

All right, let's find out.

Lady Leshurr, was it the truth
or was it a lie?

It was...

...the truth.

Yes!

Vindication!

Yes, it's true.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will
claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest. It's up to Lee's team

to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Amanda.

APPLAUSE

So, Mike, what is Amanda to you?

This is Amanda.

I once hospitalised her with my
elaborate dance moves.

Philippa, how do you know Amanda?

This is Amanda and she caught me
smuggling my cat into her zoo.

And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Amanda?

This is Amanda.

When I kicked her child's football
back, she watched in horror

as it sailed through the air
and knocked her mother

out of her camping chair.

Lee's team.

Mike, how old were you?

Around 20, maybe 19.

OK, and where were you?

Where was 1? I suppose...

Don't suppose,
tell me where you are.

I was in quite an experimental
phase of my dance journey

is where I was.

I meant geographically, but fine.

Tell us more about the dance
journey.

I was kind of, I've got no formal
training in dance,

but at that time it was quite,
quite muscular, vigorous,

but a sort of heavy
storytelling element to it.

Amanda was a friend.

Well, and is to this day, but
she was one of the few people

who would be, you know,
was happy to take me on.

Take you on?
Take me on dance-wise,

take me on at the discotheque.

So, basically, was it in a disco?

It was a normal everyday
discotheque. Right.

And you, and you were in there
with your friend.

With a bunch of friends.

And how did you know Amanda?
How did I know Amanda?

I don't know. I wasn't there.

Students.

Students. OK.

And you said you told a story
in your dance. Telling a story.

What was the story this particular
night? Ragnarok.

I was trying to retell
the Nordic apocalypse.

The finishing move was, the problem
lay with it, I was trying out

sort of a power pirouette.
Can you show us the power pirouette?

It's been 20 years, I could try.

Go on. It's like,
the point of the power pirouette

is very much the fulcrum is the heel

rather than the... Right. The toe.

So trying to do the full 360
with this sort of

kind of cowboy swoosh at the end.

At which point you kind of, you sort
of, they're reeling

and you sort of saunter away.

Yeah. And I, I then did a sort of,
a sort of tight funk twist,

expecting to see Amanda,
but Amanda was gone

and I just assumed...

I assumed she was tired,
she was exhausted.

It turned out
that the fulcrum, my heel,

I'd done it on her, her right
big toe. Long Pete.

I don't know what she called
her toes, but the torque was such

that it ripped her toenail
clean out.

Wow, and that's just from you
talking?

That was...
But you didn't feel that?

Usually, when you stand on
something,

you know you've stood on something.
I didn't know, of course.

I mean, if I'd known...
I'm not a monster.

I have to say, that's some of the
finest dancing

we've ever seen on this show.
Thank you.

APPLAUSE

That's right up there with some
of my stuff.

Who would you like to quiz next?

OK, Philippa, can you remind me
again?

This is Amanda. Yeah.

And she caught me smuggling
my cat into her zoo.

Why did you want to smuggle
your cat into a zoo?

Because, when David Attenborough
comes on,

the cat dashes to watch the telly
and really just loves the animals,

and his favourite things are lions.

I just thought it'd be really great
if I showed him some real lions.

Is this Kevin the cat that I've seen
on your TV shows?

Yes. I've got this sort of
backpack thing

that the cat's got a porthole
with a Perspex hole,

so you sit in it... You regularly
take the cat out for days out?

Oh, yeah.

Have you made this thing
or can you buy a cat carrier?

You can buy them.

OK, so where else
have you taken the cat?

Oh, we go on long walks.

Well, you do.

Which zoo was it? London Zoo.

So what does Amanda do
at London Zoo?

She goes around wearing a lanyard,
bossing people about.

Oh. And where did she apprehend you?

Well, we were doing quite well
because I kind of knew

I wasn't supposed to bring
an animal into the zoo.

"Kind of!" Yeah, but I didn't
want to face up to that. Right.

So I put a sort of cardigan thing
over his porthole,

so it just looked like I was
wearing a backpack.

And then, to show him the lions
and things, I just sort of

turned my back there, like that.
You didn't.

I did! So now then everyone's
thinking,

"Why is this woman not looking
at the lions?"

But it was the tiger enclosure
where I came a crocker

because, to see the tigers, you have
to go up on a sort of walkway.

And so I was up on the walkway,

and when I turned my back
and removed the cardigan

so Kevin could have a look,

Amanda spotted my strange behaviour.

And then she and a keeper kind
of escorted me out of the zoo.

Why didn't you wear the backpack
at the front to make yourself

look less suspicious and sort of,
like, just cover it over

and then it's like you're flashing
to the tiger?

Can you talk us through the
conversation

with Amanda and the keeper?

She said, "What are you doing?”

And I said, "I'm showing Kevin
the tigers,”

and she said, "You're not
allowed to bring animals in here.”

Did you not say,
"But you started it"?

I wish I had!

All right.

What about David's plausible tale?

Refresh our memories.
This is Amanda.

When I kicked her child's
football back,

she stood in horror as it sailed
through the air

and knocked her mother
out of her camping chair.

So where were you? On the beach.

Whereabouts? In Cornwall.

So you're on a beach
with your family.

Yes. Ball comes trickling
towards you.

The ball came very near me
and then sort of stopped,

and then I went with the instinct
to kick it back.

How far away was the child?

I'd say probably,
maybe about where Alan is.

So Alan's the child. Yeah, Amanda is
sort of the distance you are, Lee,

and then Leshurr is the mother
sitting in a chair.

You managed to kick a football that
far? Mm-hm.

Brilliant, David.
Brilliantly convincing.

"Uh-huh."

How many years ago? It was...
This was last year.

You thought to keep in touch,
just so she'd be quite useful

to come on the programme and talk
about it.

You've no idea.
I mean, any incident at all,

notes are made,
numbers are taken.

It's getting so desperate, he
probably aimed for the mother,

thinking, "At least I'0 have
something for Series 29."

And what did you say?

I'm assuming you shouted, "Sorry,
I was aiming for your child."

I went over... Yeah... thinking,
"Oh, I'll help the mother up."

But then actually, obviously,
this was last year,

so it's sort of the time of Covid.

Not a good time for going
on holidays, but we'll let it go.

People were going to Cornwall
last summer, you know? OK.

I mean, that part's true.

Oh, God!

So I went over and sort of got
to within a couple of yards

and then sort of mimed helping her
up while Amanda helped her up.

Even though you said sorry,
when you walked away

with your daughter and wife,
did you turn to your wife and go,

"Not a bad kick, that, wasn't it?"

Did you feel a bit proud
of yourself?

No, I didn't feel proud of it

because, you know?
Well, you texted me.

Right, we need an answer.

Is Amanda Mike's damaged dancer,

Philippa's feline finder

or David's outraged onlooker?

I feel like the sand scenario,

it's not adding up.

What about Mike? I feel like that
isn't true neither.

I think Philippa's
is very plausible.

You'd have to be a bit...

Well, but she is.

So what are you going to say?

So you think it's...? I think
it might be at the zoo.

I think it might be the zoo.

OK, then, we'll go with my
team and say it's Philippa.

You're saying that it's Philippa
taking her cat, Kevin, to the zoo.

Right, Amanda, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Amanda and Mike's dance moves
put me in hospital.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Amanda.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Alan.

Possession. Ah, now, there's
a box on the floor.

Take the item out of the box and pop
it on the desk first,

and then read out the card.

Oh, a little mini instrument.

Oh, Alan. My size of furniture.

These are three items
from my doll's house.

I have meticulously furnished it
with everything

I'd put in my real house
if only I was allowed.

David's team. Are those three things
that you're not allowed

in your real house?
You're not allowed a chair?

I'm not allowed a chair
that looks like that.

So this is your wife wearing
the trousers in the house.

Not wearing the trousers, but...
Making all the decisions.

No, not making all the decisions...
Ruling the roost.

No.

We have slightly differing tastes
in furniture and, in a doll's house,

I can just do it totally
my own taste.

What's your favourite room
in the doll's house?

The kitchen, because you can get
very, very skilfully made

minute food.

Pork pies, eggs in a basket,

broken eggs on the floor.
It's an incredibly...

Broken eggs on the floor?

It's an artform. I want to hear more
about the dishes

and what foodstuffs.
You've got pork pies, what else?

I've got a lovely...
Oh, it's definitely a pork pie.

Jelly or a...? Yes, there's jelly
and trifle.

There's a lovely centrepiece on the
table with a pineapple on the top

and fruit all the way round it,

and wine glasses that have got
red wine in. Tiny weeny ones.

Where do you acquire these things?

LEE: You want it, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And would you call yourself
the king? The king of the house?

I'd dress up my thumb as the king

and play the national anthem on a CD
player, while the thumb comes in.

Do you decorate the house
for Christmas?

Well, no, it's sort of...
David is genuinely loving this.

He wants to do it.

Yeah, yeah. It is...
It is finished now, it's done,

but my grandchildren love it

and I undo the front and lift
them up and show them the rooms.

They say they love it.

I can see them in the car
on the way to the house,

"Do we have to look at the
Grandpa's special house again?"

You call yourself...
You have no artistic temperament.

This is wonderful.

This is the world in miniature.

It can be perfected without all
the horrors,

the horrors that you love.

We know what we're getting him
for Christmas now, don't we?

What sort of house is it?

It's Georgian
and it's on four floors.

Has it got attic rooms?

Like... No, no, this is brilliant.

This is so brilliant,
this is definitely true

and I want one.

I don't think I've ever
seen you this excited

and it's a little disturbing.

Now, then, what's it going
to be? Mike, is this true?

Well, at the beginning I thought
it was ludicrous,

but he's drawn me in.

I feel the love and I think it's
fantastic, and I think it's true.

All right, then, so you're going
to say...

We're going to say true... it's
true... and we're rooting for it.

All right. Alan,
there's a lot riding on this.

Was that true or was that a lie?

Oh, sorry. It's...

...true. Yay!

APPLAUSE

And we can see a picture of it.

Look at that!
LEE: Blimey.

Hang on, how do we know
that's not just his house?

Let's see another room.

Oh!
DAVID: That's the kitchen.

I love the lighting -
it's very atmospheric.

Are you all right, David?
Look at his little face.

I'm absolutely...
There's a stag's head on the wall!

You see, that's a perfect outlet for
wanting to have a stag's head

and you haven't had to kill a stag!

LEE: No, but what he's done is kill
a mouse and got some Twiglets.

What a wonderful reveal,
it was true.

Well done. Very impressive.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that it's a draw.

Lee has three and David has three.

Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE