Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 5 - Episode #15.5 - full transcript

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome
to "Would I Lie To You?",

the show with naked truths
and well-dressed lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a presenter

and author of
The Thursday Murder Club.

When it came out, I went straight
down to my local book shop

and used their Wi-Fi
to order it online.

It's Richard Osman. Hiya.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hiya.

And a comedian who's originally from
the town of Newcastle in Australia.

It's just like our Newcastle



in that nobody wears a coat
in January.

It's Sarah Kendall

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, on Lee Mack's team tonight,
one of Britain's favourite poets,

whose new book is called
Up In The Attic.

I didn't understand it.
It was a bit lofty for me.

It's Pam Ayres.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

And an actor whose co-star

once punched him in the face
during filming.

Rest assured, that kind of thing

almost never happens here.

From Ghosts, it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



We begin with Round One -
Home Truths -

where our panellists read out

a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

And Richard is first up tonight.

Two years ago, after losing my keys
at a fancy dress party,

I had to break into my house
while dressed as Darth Vader.

LAUGHTER
Lee's team.

Ooh, OK.

I want to know about the costume.
Was it a good one?

It wasn't bad, actually.

It was from a shop.
It wasn't home-made. Right.

There's not many things
I can do as fancy dress.

I can do Frankenstein

and I can do Darth Vader,

or I can do two children standing

on each other's shoulders
and wearing a raincoat.

PAM: How did you get in?

Do you know the bathroom window
on the ground floor?

I don't know the house personally.

LAUGHTER

Well, there, essentially.

What, you squeezed in - YOU -
through a bathroom window?

You know what, Rob?
I used the Force.

LAUGHTER

ROB: You used a hell of a force.

So not the little window - you mean
the whole big bathroom window?

It's a sash window, yeah,
and I've done it before.

I went under it with a little piece
of metal that's by the bins.

It's an old school ruler,
which I've always kept there.

A school ruler of

Herculean strength, then,
I should think.

You know, the metal ones,
like technical drawing. OK.

By the way, it's no longer there now
if anyone does go round to my house.

And what about the party?

Were there any other Star Wars
characters at the party?

Yeah, and this is genuinely true -

someone else at the party was
a Darth Vader but...

You towered over him. Well...

He felt like a pathetic Vader-ette.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

How enfeebling
to be the small Vader at a party.

Was he smaller than you?
Take a wild guess, Lee.

What about the voice?

Did you do it for fun at the party?
I did. Can you give a demonstration?

OK. Of course I could.
So I would say, for example, um...

MANNERED VADER VOICE: I know what
Luke Skywalker got for Christmas.

IMITATES INTERFERENCE

He got a Subbuteo.

IMITATES INTERFERENCE

Was he doubling as a minicab driver?

LAUGHTER

He got a jigsaw puzzle...
IMITATES INTERFERENCE

...and he got a football.
IMITATES INTERFERENCE

And everyone would say, "How do
you know that?" And I'd say...

IMITATES INTERFERENCE

.1 have felt his PRESENTS. Ooh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

What do you think, Pam?

I have a sneaking feeling
that it is true, actually.

You know, being shut out of
your house isn't that unusual,

so I think it's true.

I just don't think
you've got a ruler by the bins.

A man who puts a ruler by a bin

puts a key under a brick first,
doesn't he?

Do you not think?

DAVID: Not necessarily, because the
thing about the ruler by the bins

is it's knack needed.

A key is no knack needed.

Are you speaking English? Yes. Yeah.

People underestimate
the protective power of a knack.

If you need a knack to get in
then, essentially,

the means of getting in
can be available

because the burglars
won't have the knack.

Yeah, unless they steal it,

and then it's a "nick-knack".
GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, what'll it be?
We'll say it's a lie.

A lie. OK, Richard, Darth Vader

through the bathroom window -
truth or lie?

It was -

sorry, Pam - a lie.

PAM GROANS, APPLAUSE

It's a lie.

Richard didn't break into his house
while dressed as Darth Vader.

Next up is Pam.

PAM: Oh!

I once did a parachute jump

just because I fancied
the instructor.

David's team.

Um, when was this?

Um, it was in the '70s.

So how did you meet
this instructor that you fancied?

Oh, because a family member
was, um, a skydiver

and, in the process of watching him
skydive, I met the instructor

and felt an immediate
magnetic attraction.

LAUGHTER

So this means... I think she was
going to say she fell for him.

I did, but I'm a poet, you know,
so I like to embellish.

Oh, that's true. I just like to go
for the little puns.

Oh, I FELL for him! You FELL
for him. Oh, dear! Sorry, Lee.

Sorry. I'm not used to you, you see.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Describe him to us.

What was it about this man
that was so attractive?

He wore a lot of straps.
LAUGHTER

Oh, hello! All right!

What is it about a man in straps
that you like?

I don't know - there's something

sort of dark about straps,
isn't there?

He had these straps sort of

around the groin and everything

and he did... He did look...

I wasn't expecting this, Pam,
I'll be very honest.

RICHARD: Do you recall his name, Pam?
Yeah, Doug.

Durg? Durg?

This is the Vale of the White Horse
accent,

of which I'm exceedingly proud.

So how did you take it
a step further?

Well, I volunteered to learn
how to parachute jump.

Yeah. And did you have to have straps
as well?

Oh, indeed, I did. Are you strapped
to Doug as well? No.

Cos I've done this.
You're on the front - well, I was -

like a baby in a papoose.

No, Lee, it was lovely.
I've never felt so safe.

Which way were you facing?
Oh, facing away? Oh, right.

Listen, this is for wimps.
This is for wimps.

This, I did alone. Oh!

You weren't strapped to Doug?

No, I was not strapped to Doug.

I would have thought that
would have been the whole point.

I know, but I didn't find out
until he hit me on the shoulder

and said, "Go."

The old romantic!

So what's the timescale of this?

There's the day you go with
a family member who's a skydiver.

What was your plan that day,

that you were just going
to go up in the aeroplane

that your family member was going
to jump out of? No, I wasn't...

I wasn't going to go up
in the aeroplane.

I was just going to go and watch.

And then I noticed the instructor

reclining in the hangar,
looking steamy.

Did you... did you...

...did you talk to him much?
Yeah, I did.

I said, "How do you get
into this line of business?"

Nice!

Yeah, with the classic head wobble
of seduction!

Did you have lessons with Doug?
Yeah.

Oh, tell us about those.
Was he a West Country person?

No, he wasn't. Where was he from?
I don't know where he came from.

Well, what was his voice?
Oh, it was received English.

IN RP ACCENT: Oh, it was one of
these. Now, you listen to me, Ayres.

Yeah, that's right! Yeah.

Let me just... Let me just
tighten this strap, Pa-am!

STRAINED: Hang on,
let me get this one.

That's better!
That's stopped the blood.

Now...

He didn't say anything lascivious
like that.

He was a perfect gentleman

with beautiful, received English,
and he said...

IN RP ACCENT: "I think
you're going to enjoy this."

Well, your heart was a-flutter
at that, wasn't it?

All right, so what are we thinking?
Richard, what do you think of this?

It sounds... it sounds reasonable
to me.

At first, I didn't believe it.

But you were going, "Look, this is
just a thing that happened.”

Like, you just wanted to get your
story out.

So what's it going to be, David?
It's definitely true. Yeah.

No doubt in your mind?
No doubt in my mind. I can...

I can picture it entirely.

All right.
They're saying it's true.

So, Pam, was it true
or was it a lie?

My story was

true.
APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.
Pam did a parachute jump

just because she fancied
the instructor.

Sarah, you're next.

I once survived being lost in
a forest

by eating a whole tin
of cat food.

Lee's team. Wow. Gosh.
When was this?

199... 6.

How did you open the tin
of cat food?

I, uh, I smashed it on a rock.
I smashed it on a nearby rock,

and I had to keep smashing it...

...like...I was like early man.

And what did you use to eat it?
My fingers. Oh!

KIELL: Why did you have cat food?

Well, she'd already eaten the cat.

Let's wind back a bit.
Are we in Australia?

Yes. Which part of Australia
are we in?

It was about seven hours
out of Sydney.

I was at university

and I went to a college
where there was this thing

where they would do
pranks on freshers.

And then a group of older students
dumped us in the forest.

This is quite traumatic.

It's like The Hunger Games,
isn't it?

But with cat food. They
put... they gave you the cat food?

They gave us cat food.
To survive off? To survive.

How long before you start eating
cat food, then?

How long had you been in the forest?

It was a couple of hours.
A couple of hours?!

You were eating cat food
after two hours?!

Blimey!

I was expecting this to be
in at least hours...

...days, even!

Like, a couple of days.
Day four! Day four.

That would be my estimate!

Hour two, and we give in.

How long were they intending
to keep you in this forest?

We had to find a way back.

We had to hitchhike back to the...
Hitchhike? ..to the city.

We tried walking, but it was...

Australia's much, much larger
than...

Than it is on my map at home?
That's right.

Wow. What do you think, Pam?

I think it's true. Yep, I do.

What about you, Kiell?

No, I don't believe it. No. Lee?

Yeah, I... 1...

She's got the eyes
of a traumatised woman.

I'll go with Pam and say it's true.

All right. Sarah, is it true
or is it a lie?

That story? Yes. It's...

...true. Yes!

APPLAUSE

It's true. Sarah did eat
a whole tin of cat food.

Our next round is called
This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine
connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Lee.

APPLAUSE

So, Pam, what is Lee to you?

This is Lee.
He caught me in his book shop

when I was putting my books

on top of Richard Osman's.

Right, so Pam's book shop
buddy.

Kiell, how do you know Lee?

This is Lee.

We once pretended to be 50 Cent's
support act to get into a club.

Kiell's fellow fraudster.

And finally, Lee,
what is your relationship with Lee?

This is Lee.

I singlehandedly held his
five-a-side football team to a draw

after all four of my team mates
were sent off.

So there we have it. David?

Right. So where was this book shop,
Pam?

In Blackjack Street, Cirencester.

And what's it called?
Octavia's.

Great name, Blackjack Street.
That's... Blackjack Street.

It's great, isn't it?
Do the numbers only go up to 21?

So describe what you did,

and how Lee responded.
I went in, and as you go in,

there's a round table
in front of you

on which they put
all the best sellers,

and I saw, as I walked in,
a great stack of Richard's books

and I was consumed by
a bit of jealousy and envy.

I thought, here's this man

who's selling all these thousands of
books,

and here am I trying to earn a crust
as a poet.

And I confess a black cloud
descended upon me.

Rigid with fury, I picked up...
It's like a scene from Pulp Fiction!

I will strike down upon thee!

It's like PAMUEL I Jackson.

Rigid with fury and envy

and jealousy and all of those
foul emotions,

I got a couple of my books
and I put them on top of his

because I just thought it wasn't
fair that one person

should be so massively successful

when I am scratching a living
as a... as a falsifier.

Well, that all sounds
very plausible. Good.

And Lee saw you do this?

He saw me, he came over to me
very politely and he said,

"Excuse me, madam, but I have to
bring to your attention

"the fact that you are not permitted
to shift books around

"in the way that you are doing
at present.”

And he said, "I must insist
that you replace the books

"where they were
originally exhibited."

Did he realise
that they were your books?

What? Did he...?

LAUGHTER

Did he realise
they were your books?

Not initially, not until I spoke.

And then, when I spoke, the
realisation

dawned across his face and he said,

"Ah, you are that poet of renown."

Yeah.

IMITATES PAM: You are that poet
of renown.

I wish you'd put that book down.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good, very good.

Wow. Wow!

Pam Ayres is applauding my rhyming!

You're surprised because you
were lamenting the scansion

even as you said it.
I was! I was.

So did he make you put them back?

Yeah. Oh.

And I left Octavia's
with my tail between my legs.

She went to the book shop at
Number 22, but they'd gone bust.

Are you getting used to him now?

Yeah, I'm getting...
I'm getting used to him now.

APPLAUSE

Who would you like to quiz next?

OK, Kiell.

Tell us your story again, please.

So we pretended to be 50 Cent's
opening act to get into a club.

What was the club?

It was... I don't remember
the name of the club,

but it was in the Arcadian
in Birmingham.

And that night, 50 Cent, who is...

I mean, I'm not great with music,
as you know.

He... he's a rap star?
Yeah, Fiddy. Yeah, yeah.

He's... he's what happened when

Dollar split up, essentially.

So he was playing in Birmingham
that night... Yeah.

...and people will be thinking,

there'll be a lot of
his team around,

and so it was a plausible
thing to say. Yeah.

So Lee was our manager.

We were from New York,
and he was telling them, like,

"Listen, I've got these guys. They
weren't going to come out tonight

"cos they're going to be tired
after the gig,

"but they've actually decided that
they do want to come
and shake a leg

"and we've heard that this is
the best club in Europe. So..."

"We've heard that the best club
in Europe is in Birmingham." Yeah.

Yeah.

So did they ask you anything?
So did you put on a New York accent?

Well, Lee was doing the chatting
and talking, and he was like,

"Listen, I've got these guys,
they've come from New York..."

Here we go. I will be the bouncer.

LEE MACK LAUGHS LOUDLY
Sorry.

You... you be Lee, trying to get into
my club.

We let him do his thing. And then
every now and then, we'd be like...

IN NEW YORK ACCENT: "Ay, yo,
we getting in or what?"

IN BRUMMIE ACCENT: Sir, please...

"I'm just trying to get in with my
friends, you know..." Sir, please...

Now, I appreciate you've had
a difficult night.

Put yourself in my shoes.
Like, where are you from?

I'm from Birmingham,
you cheeky devil.

Now, if it's a quiet night,
you can come in.

Noight?! What?

IMITATES ROB'S BRUMMIE ACCENT:
If it's a quiet "noight™

Why have you got your grandad with
you? What's he doing here?

Tell us about your band. I mean,
what sort of band?

I love a bit of music, me.

Well, we do like rap music or
whatever.

What part of New York are you from,
sir? Brooklyn.

I'll tell you what, it's breaking
the rules

but I'm going to let you in,
all right?

I appreciate that.
I'm with him. Can I come in?

I'm sorry, sir. We have an over-70s
night every Sunday.

Can I come in?

You can definitely come in

because tonight is bondage night.

LAUGHTER

Oh, thanks.

All right, now, Lee, remind us,
it seems a while ago.

So, this is Lee,
and I single-handedly held

his five-a-side team to a draw,

after all of my players were sent
off apart from me.

What year was this?

This was about... about a year ago.

And what was it about this match

that caused your team-mates to be
sent off?

Well... What sort of people are
you playing football with?

They were... they were all
different... different reasons.

Please, tell us.

Well, the first one was sent off for
dissent.

Who was that first person?

First person was Jeff. Jeff. What
does Jeff do for a living?

Jeff.. Jeff... How do you know him?

He's a binman. He's a binman.

Yeah. Is he your binman?

He's not my binman, no.

So, how do you know him?

He's one of the dads at the local
school. Yeah?

Then, someone was sent off a few
minutes after Jeff.

Who was that? Ron. Ron? Ron.

Oh, no. Why?

Well, Ron... Ron went in with
a two-footed tackle.

No. A two-footed tackle?

Yeah, he only has got one leg as
well, which is really weird,

but he did it twice.

How do you know Ron? Postman.

He's a postman, is he?

Is he your postman? No, my postman,
no. Not your postman.

No, no, no. So, how do you know him,
if he's not your postman?

Well, I just know him from the local
school. He's one of the dads.

Oh, OK. And the third thug?

Why don't we say the next two were
sent off together, shall we?

LAUGHTER

The next one to be sent off was Rob.

Rob.

What does he do for a living?

He's actually a butcher.

A butcher. Yeah.

Is he your butcher? No, he's not
my butcher. No, I'm a vegan.

So, how do you know him, then?

He's next door to the veg shop.
The greengrocer.

And so, you've naturally got to know
the shopkeeper of the shop

next door to where you buy
all your vegetables.

Yeah, well, I go and buy my
vegetables and I always look in

and I'll always give him a,
"That's cruel”, and off I go.

So, we get to a point, where Jeff,
Ron and Rob have gone.

It's just you and another person.

Now, who's the other person
that you're relying on?

Adrian. Adrian. Adrian.

Now, what does Adrian do?

He's actually lost his job. Oh, no.
But what did he do?

He was a butcher, a postman,
and a binman.

Must be quite hard for him, then,

to be around the other guys,
the memories.

Well, yeah, but you know...

...they wear bras.

Sorry. Oh, memories, sorry.

Um... Yes.

And what was he sent off for?

Well, he was sent off for... for

time wasting.

For time wasting!

Yes, because obviously, think about
it, you're 8-0 up at half-time,

you get a man sent off, and now
it's 8-1, and then it's 8-2.

And then it's 8-3, 8-4, 8-5, 8-6.

We're down to two players,
there's only a few minutes left.

What are you going to do?
You're going to time waste.

What was he doing to waste time?

He went for a Kit Kat.

What was the name of the team?

Fish Alive FC.

Fish Alive FC.

One, two, three, four, five,

once I caught a fish alive.

Oh!

That's really good.

APPLAUSE

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Lee
Pam's book shop buddy,

Kiell's fellow fraudster
or Lee's football friend?

Well, I don't believe Lee.

Why?

Because of all of the details.

I think it is Lee.

You think it is Lee? I agree. Yeah.

I think Lee has done a Lee thing of
making the story kind of like...

There's stuff that didn't happen...
Right.

...but I think the guts of Lee's
story... Yeah.

I do. I just... It just feels...

So, well, for example,
the professions of your team.

Yeah. Were they really a binman,
a postman, a butcher

and an unemployed former binman,
postman, butcher?

OK, OK.

Is that true?

No. No. No, it's not true, David
because that would be ridiculous.

I don't...] don't actually believe
it was Lee.

That was... You don't believe?
No, of course not!

Well, it could... No, but the point
is it could be Lee. David.

David. Yeah.

Probably not Lee.
Are you... are you telling...?

Are you giving me a clue?

I'm worried you're having
a breakdown.

Richard, what about Pam's story?

People do it a lot.

You know, people put their books in
front of other people's books.

I absolutely get it. No way is
Pam Ayres being disrespected

in any book shop in this country.
I think you're right.

And I thought that the Brooklyn
accent was absolutely terrific.

So did I. Yeah.
Let me just say now...

...I might have given the impression

that I was ruling out Lee,
and while on many levels...

What sort of mind games
are you playing with me?!

I mean... You say you want
to help me

and then you do this.

I still think it's Lee. You think
it's Lee? I still think it's Lee.

I actually... I agree with Sarah.

OK, David, you're the captain
of that team,

you're the leader of that team.

What are you going to say?

Kiell, every day of the week.
Yes, I think it's probably Kiell.

OK, Lee, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Lee

and I helped Kiell get into a club.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, Lee is Kiell's fellow fraudster.
Thank you very much, Lee.

Which brings us to our final
round - Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's... David.

Possession. Right, now,
there's a box under the desk, David.

First of all,
pop the item onto the desk.

Once you've done that, would
you please read the card?

OK.

This is my penguin.

When I used him to play a prank,
it got out of hand.

Wow.

So, what's the story, David?
What happened?

Well, this is a penguin that must

have come out of a cracker,

and I put him in the garden,
sort of hiding him,

and took a picture in order to
pretend that I had spotted a wren.

Pretend to who? To my wife.

That was my aim.

And what did she say?

She took it at face value.

How old is your wife?

Why were you pretending that
you'd seen a bird in the garden?

It was a rainy weekend day
and it was the day where people

are invited to count garden birds.

Big Garden Birdwatch.

Is that what it's called? That
sounds like a very good name for it.

Right.

You're a big fan of birds,
aren't you, Pam?

Does that look anything like a wren?

It does not remotely resemble a wren
because a wren is a little brown

bird, quite a boring little bird,
with a sticky-up tail,

whereas that is a plastic penguin

with a white bib and a key sticking

out of its back.

It was a poor photograph, it was
a grainy... Deliberately poor?

Yes, I didn't really expect
to be believed, I don't think...

Good, cos we don't believe you.

I don't think my wife looked
very carefully at the picture.

Did she just glance quickly? Yeah.

And then what was her reaction?

Her reaction was that she sent it
to the street WhatsApp group.

Are you quite a prankster
around the house?

Not usually, but I have occasionally

attempted to amuse.

Never in my presence.

What do you think, Kiell?
I'm going to say true.

You say true.

What about you, Pam?

Yeah, I think it's the sort of thing
somebody would do for a laugh.

And you think that Victoria Coren
Mitchell, one of the most erudite,

sharp brains around...

...would marry him?

APPLAUSE

But a lot of people aren't
interested in birds

and cannot distinguish one
from the other.

All right.
Your team seem to be saying true.

Well, if my team think it's true,
then who am I to disagree with them?

OK, they say it's true. David,

was that true or was it a lie?

It was, in fact,

true. Oh, hurray!

So David really did prank his wife
with the plastic penguin. Next...

...it's Kiell.

A girl once dumped me after
she heard me talking in my sleep

about how much I fancied
her best friend.

David's team.

Whoa. Right.

You were talking
about the best friend? Yes.

What exactly did you say

that was a problem?

I said her name a lot...
Which is not in itself a bad thing.

No. What's the name?

Rosemary. Am |I... Should I say that?

I think you just did.

Your then girlfriend was
called...? Anna. Anna? Yeah.

No similarity at all. No.

What did your girlfriend say
you said?

She said that I said,

"Rosemary, this is right."

Oh, wow.

You could have been doing a quiz
together.

"Rosemary, this is, I'm telling you,
this is right, the longest river

"is the Nile.

"The Amazon is the river
with the most water in it."

So, when you woke up
in the morning,

what was the first indication
that perhaps you were in trouble?

There was a lot of slamming
cupboards and... Oh... I could tell

that she had the hump
and I was like, "What's going on?"

And she said, "Well, you're talking
in your sleep about Rosemary again."

And obviously I can't apologise
because I don't...

I didn't know I was doing it.
Because you're a man.

So I was just like,

"Oh, well, it must have been
because we hung out yesterday."

And is there an attraction
for Rosemary from you?

HIGH-PITCHED: No!
Sorry?

I think that noise is something
politicians need to learn.

Let me put it like this,
are you going to resign?

What are you thinking?
I believe him. You believe him?

I think I do. I think, I think...

How old is Rosemary?

Same age as me at the time.

And now?

Rosemary I don't know is a name...
is a particularly...

What do you call Rosemary? Rosie.

Well, then, I would have thought
he would say Rosie. Hm.

I was dreaming.

Come on, mate! People are very
formal in their dreams.

I think that trips it up. Oh.

This is difficult. That's... Argh!

I'm going to go lie. I'm going
to go lie. Right, they're saying

it's a lie. Kiell, truth or lie?

It is

a lie.

It's a lie, Kiell didn't talk
in his sleep.

BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that it's a draw.

Lee has three and David has three.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING