Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 4 - Episode #15.4 - full transcript

Good evening
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with barefaced lies
and well masked truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a writer

and broadcaster who is as
linguistically gifted as what I is.

It's Gyles Brandreth.

And a comedian who once appeared
in an advert for Kwik Fit.

That must have been both tyring
and exhausting, it's Lou Sanders.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

a comedian whose first show was
called Sarah Millican's Not Nice,

so we already know
she's very good at lying,

it's the lovely Sarah Millican.
Thank you!



And a YouTuber who is known for his
unboxing videos, and for any older

viewers who've never seen unboxing
videos, it's like a sequel to QVC.

It's Yung Filly.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panel lists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea what they'll
be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Gyles is first up tonight.

I once did something truly dreadful
in Canterbury Cathedral. Oh, dear!

Good Lord! What was it that you did?

...I dropped something very
precious... A baby! Oh, was it...?

I dropped a very precious violin.
How precious?

It was a Stradivarius violin.



It was the oldest Stradivarius
violin then being

used in the world
and it belonged to Yehudi Menuhin.

Right, first question,

why were you holding
Yehudi Menuhin's Stradivarius?

Because it was the 800th anniversary
of the murder of Thomas a Becket.

Right.

The Archbishop of Canterbury
was there, I was there,

Yehudi Menuhin was there,
to play his Stradivarius violin.

Can I just...? There might be some
people, Gyles, who are unaware...

Lee. ..of who Yehudi Menuhin is, or
was. Could you explain who he was?

Actually, don't worry, Gyles.
Why don't you explain it, Rob?

Don't worry. OK, I will.

Yehudi Menuhin...

Yehudi Menuhin was probably the most
highly regarded violinist

and of course, one of his most popular albums
was with Stephane Grappelli, am I right?

You are right!
When the two of them got together.

Is there anything else
you'd like to know? Ooh!

I still am not sure why you're
holding Yehudi Menuhin's Stradivarius.

Because, um...he was going
to play unaccompanied Bach

in Canterbury Cathedral.
He was going to play what?

Unaccompanied Bach, Bach being the
composer. Oh, that's you, was it?

I thought when you said "bark"
twice, I thought it was your jumper.

He's on fire!

He's on fire.

The point is, I'm there as a young
television reporter with

the Archbishop of Canterbury, Yehudi
Menuhin arrives and he gets out of

his car and he's got attached to his
wrist by a padlock a violin case.

He undoes the violin case and he
produces this Stradivarius violin.

Ooh! I said to him, "Mr Menuhin, may
I hold your violin?" You asked him?

I asked him.
And he handed me the violin.

He wouldn't do that. Did you know at
this point the value of that violin?

It would have been... Hundreds
of thousands, if not millions. Wow!

Then what happened is I said, "Would
you like to hold it, Archbishop?”

And I turned and in my excitement,
I turned somewhat swiftly

and the violin slipped my grasp. At which
point, I went forward to try and catch it

and instead of catching it,
I managed to tip it at the edge

and it began to spin,
like Wayne Rooney in his prime.

Strange analogy, but I'll let it go.

It span, spun, and we were
standing at the top of the steps,

leading down to the crypt of
Canterbury Cathedral... Oh, come on!

...and the violin bounced down and went
boing, boing... Oh, come on! ..boing, boing

and it landed on the very spot where
800 years before, Thomas a Becket...

Come on! ..had been murdered.

No... No, it didn't!
I agree. That's quite a coincidence.

How do you know that's where he was murdered?
Were the chalk lines still there? No.

The chalk lines!

That's a good one!
That was good!

I love it when we've got one
of the kids on, they appreciate me!

What condition exactly was it in
when it landed?

Well, all the strings were broken,
the bridge had come off... Yeah.

...it looked a sorry state. It was clearly
a broken violin. So, what happened, then?

So, Yehudi was a vegetarian
and a Buddhist and this is when a

lifetime of macrobiotic dieting
kicked in because he stood there...

And pooed himself.

He stayed very calm and he said,
"Well, I always carry a spare

"one in the boot,”
and I volunteered to go and get it.

Oh, no! And he said...

"No, you can't.” Are you sure he
said those words? Well, exactly.

All right, well, look, Filly,
could that be true? I don't know.

I mean, the fact that it
was like the world's rarest violin

and no-one's like giving you a big
reaction, do you know what I mean?

I'm going to have to say he's lying.
You think he's lying. Yeah. Sarah?

I'm sort of in agreement with Filly.

I wouldn't let my husband borrow
one of my pens cos he's careless

with them,
so that's just one of my pens.

That's not even a rare pen.

That's just like a Bic that I like.
So I think it's a lie.

The bit that I'm just struggling
with, I believe almost

all of it, but it fell in the exact
spot that he was murdered. Mm.

So I have to say it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.

Gyles, it's a fantastic tale.
Was it a lie, or was it the truth?

It was...

...true.

Ooh! Wow!

So it's true. Gyles did something
dreadful in Canterbury Cathedral.

Sarah, you're next.

I recently went to extreme lengths
to deliver a sample to the vet's.

David's team. A sample of what?
A sample of poo.

Your own, or an animal's?
I am not an animal.

I would have gone to the doctor.
Though in many ways,

these days, it's easier to see the
vet than it is to see the doctor.

So in an emergency,
I would go to the vet.

And also, in my experience,
vets tend to like their patients,

which doctors don't always.

Good tip. I know for next time!

So, what animal? My dog.
Why do you have to send...?

The dog wasn't very well. Why didn't
you take the dog to the vet?

Did you phone the vet?
Why did the vet ask for a sample?

Well, first of all, pick a question,
cos you've asked three there.

Ooh!

Why did you take a sample
and not the dog?

Because they needed to send
the poo away for testing

and that's easier
if it's outside of the dog.

What were the extreme measures
that you had to take?

Um, so because it was
during lock down,

we couldn't go in
for an appointment.

Yeah. So we had to sort of drop
off the sample... Right.

They suggested
I use a Tupperware from home.

Oh, that's quite
a large item to fill

It was three days,
I needed to collect. Oh! Oh, right.

So where are you storing
it in the meantime?

In the fridge. Oh!

You know how hard it is to find one
that has a lid that matches

perfectly... Yeah.
..so the only one that we had

had writing on from a
previous...occupant

of the tub, and it said
"chicken casserole for Sarah." Oh!

Because it was lock down
and we didn't want to go

when there were people around,
instead we took it through the night

and we didn't realise that there
would be a big fence

and a locked gate,
so we had to throw it over a fence.

Unfortunately,
it landed in the next—door's garden

and her name was Sarah.

Oh!
This led to an unfortunate mix up.

What are you thinking?
You think it's preposterous.

Totally preposterous,
from start to finish!

And I love this person,
I'm sorry to think that she's...

Sorry to think she could behave like this? So I
know she didn't. OK. So I know she didn't. Lou?

I don't like to look at lovely Sarah
Millican in the face and say "liar".

But I'm going to. I think when
somebody claims to store poo in the fridge,

you can say anything to them.
Yeah, that's fair.

OK, I think we think it's a lie. You
think it's a lie. A bit too far fetched.

You're unanimous on that,
so Sarah, was it true,

or was it a lie? It is...

...true. Oh!

Wow!

It's true.

Sarah did go to extreme lengths
to deliver a sample to the vet's.

Lou, you're next.

Aha!

Um, I failed my first driving test

when I took a phone call
during the three—point turn.

Oh, dear! When was this?
About four years ago.

Have you subsequently passed? Yeah.

Second time, you passed? Was
that your first one, the...? Mm...

Third time? Mm... Fourth? How many
phone calls did you take?!

Fifth time.
You passed on your fifth time? Yeah.

So you're doing your three—point
turn... Mm—hm.

...and where is the phone?
Er, top pock.

Did you stop the three—point turn,
or did you carry on?

I carried on for a second
and then I realised what I was doing

and then, I looked at him and then I
put the phone back in the top pock.

Who was it that called?
Well, a gquy I was seeing.

To be honest, there were a plethora
of mistakes before that. What like?

Er, just not really looking where
I was going,

asking if I could have
the music on... Whoa, whoa!

Was it your driving instructor
that rang you to try

and get your attention?
Like your driving examiner.

Did they ring you to just make
you look at the road?

So you carried on with
the rest of the test?

Yeah, but sort of half—heartedly.

And then when you got back to the
test centre, what were his words?

Well, I think you know
why you failed.

You said you put music on as well.
No, I asked if I could put music on.

Oh, you asked him? Yeah. And he said
no, because he was a square.

Wow! You just did an oblong there.

Actually, I did also once get
told off for shaking a cake tin

out of the window on the motorway.

So I'm not very good at... Why did you shake
a cake tin out? Have you not got a wet finger?

Filly, does she strike
you as the sort of person who could

behave in this way? Yes.

I can picture you answering
the phone, I can, I really can.

I think it's true.
I'm going to say true too.

I've got my doubts, but I'll go
with my team and say it's true. OK.

Lou, truth or lie?

It is...

.lie.

It's a lie. Lou didn't take a phone
call during her driving test.

Filly, you're next.

OK, I was once substituted midway
through a school football match

because I'd fallen asleep in goal.

How did this come about? Do
you like football? I love football.

I played Soccer Aid with Filly last
year... And I scored. He scored.

I scored! I was going to get on to
that. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Obviously, I'm familiar with that.

That's very much the aim of the
football. Yeah, yeah. To score.

Was that why you fell asleep,
cos you thought, "I don't

"care about this, I'm never going
to score, I have to stand here"?

No, when I was younger, I used
to love playing PlayStation a lot

and at the time it was like Modern
Warfare 2 that come out and I was

on it 24/7, so I remember the night
before, I went to bed at like 3am.

I've never felt so old,
someone saying,

"When I was young, I played
Modern Warfare on PlayStation.”

You see, I just don't understand
what those words put together mean.

So, you know.

I'm just wondering if I'm
showing any other signs of a stroke.

What age were you at this time?
14, 157

And was goal your normal position?

No, I was actually a winger,
but the keeper was sick,

so I was like the fastest in the
team, so... Doesn't that mean good?

No, sick as in sick—sick.

Proper sick.

I have told you before,
it's too late to try

and get down with the kids.

If you were very fast on the wing,
normally... Yeah.

...why were they putting you in goal?

Cos I was the captain. You chose
yourself to put yourself in goal?

Yeah, as the captain, you've got
to lead by example, innit?

So, you get into the goal and what
happens then? I actually fell...

It wasn't like a deep sleep, but I
fell asleep standing up, like that.

Oh! So you were
standing against the goalposts?

Were you supporting yourself?
No, I was just in the middle.

In the middle? In the middle.

My teacher/coach, Mr Langham, just shouted
from the sideline, "Filly!" And then...

And then, you... And then, throughout
the game, he told the two centre halves...

Big up Craig and to Sean.
Big up Craig? Yeah, Craig is my boy.

Big up's just like "hi, Craig",
slang for saying "hi, Craig".

Oh, forget it. Who were you
playing against? Our biggest rivals.

And did they score any goals against
you? Did you let anything through?

They did.
I can't remember how many...

You wouldn't, you were asleep.
You were asleep at the time, yeah.

Take us back to the substitution, so
the guy goes off... Is that right?

And you take over?
No, from the start, I'm in goal.

Ain't no—one listening to what I'm
saying?! The regular goalie is ill

Yeah. So you... Yeah. I thought
you meant he got sick.

No, no... Sorry. Big up...
Big up, big up. Al right.

So...

See? That's how you do it!

What do you think? Truth or lie?

I think let's go true.
I tell you why it's definitely true,

if ever I've seen a natural captain,
it's Filly. Yes, it's Filly.

That's a very... He's got leadership
written all over him.

Such a nice thing to say.

It's me sat in the middle,
though, isn't it?

Lee... Lee, for now!

For now.

OK, David Mitchell.

I think the captain putting
himself in goal, I believe that.

You're saying it's true. OK, Filly,
was it true, or was it a lie?

It is...

...a lie.

Oh!

Wow!

He convinced you. It's a lie.
Filly didn't fall asleep in goal.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panel lists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special celebrity guest... Woo!

...Cheryl Baker.

# But soon you will
find that there comes a time

# For making your mind up. #

Wow! So... If it turns out David
Mitchell is seeing Cheryl Baker,

this is going to be brilliant!

So, Gyles,

what is Cheryl to you?

This is Cheryl, and together,
we broke the world record

for the longest ever on—screen kiss.

Right. Gyles's kissing companion.
Lou, how do you know Cheryl?

This is Cheryl and when she got her
zip stuck in the changing room,

I had to rip her skirt off.

I see. Lou's changing room chum.

And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Cheryl?

This is Cheryl
and she brought me a bucket

when I felt sick
on Saturday Superstore.

So there we have it.
LEE: Wow! I mean...

Is Cheryl Gyles's kissing companion,
Lou's changing room chum,

or David's bucket bringer? Lee,
where do you want to start? Gyles.

What was the context?
Why were you kissing Cheryl?

The idea was, it's Valentine's Day,

why not break the world record
for the longest ever on—screen kiss?

What year? Early 1980s.

OK. And it was for four minutes.

I had attempted it before. With who?

With Anne Diamond. I was...
LAUGHTER

I was at TV—am, a breakfast
television station of the time,

and I thought it'd be fun
to break this record

and I was kissing Anne Diamond, but
we were about two minutes into the

kiss and we had to go live
to Moscow for coverage

of President Brezhnev's funeral.

Was Brezhnev so shocked
he had a heart attack?

A year or two later, I was still
hoping to break the record

and Cheryl turned up at the studio
because she was a huge star,

this wonderful super group
called Bucks Fizz...

I should point out to Filly,
who's only 14 now... 15?

You were probably aware
that in the Eurovision Song Contest,

the UK always do terribly. Yeah.
They won! Oh, no way! Yes. Congrats!

Well done!

I didn't know. Well done,
that's massive. That's massive.

Good, isn't it? Mm. They were young,
they were beautiful, they were brilliant.

Don't say "were",
she's stood right next to you.

So, was it a permanent peck,
rather than a snog?

Can I say, it felt like magic. Aw!

Can't wait till she's
allowed to speak

to give her version of events!

All he did was whisper anagrams.
It was very erotic.

All right, all right. Who would
you like to quiz next? Lou.

Yes. Can you remind us again?

Er, well, Cheryl got her zip
stuck in a changing room that

I was working in and I had to rip
her skirt off of her.

Right, now, Bucks Fizz

when they won the Eurovision Song
Contest back in the early '80s, there was

a famous dance routine where towards
the end of the song, the guys

ripped the skirts off the ladies
and it became a famous thing, so...

How did you...? I've been trapped in
a dress in a fitting room... Yeah.

...and they had to use scissors.
Did you have to use scissors?

No, I yanked it cos
I sort of panicked.

I was only about 19 at the time.

And did Cheryl ask for your help,
or did you just like hear crying,

or...? No, so she was quite...
Can I say the word "bubbly"?

It's Bucks Fizz, why not? Yeah!

This guy's on form!

He's on fire! So she was in the
changing room, we were sort of talking,

and then she was like, "Oh, my God,”

like, just laughing
and she was stuck,

so then I had to go in and help her,
but I panicked and then I just ended

up like sort of ripping the skirt, but I also
made a hole in her top. I didn't tell her.

So she didn't buy it? She didn't buy
anything. Nothing? No.

Maybe she'd have bought it

if you'd given her a little bit
longer to spend, making her mind up.

GROANS

She's shaking her head!

I think the people at home will
realise that's a terrible joke

and the camera never lies,

which was another one of their hits,
thank you.

Now you're in the land of make
believe. Just leave it there!

And let's be honest, Rob,
now we're struggling.

So...
I didn't say that. He said that.

All right, now, what about David?

Yes, remind us again, David,
of this truth.

Um, well, Cheryl brought me a bucket

when I felt sick
on Saturday Superstore.

Now, you're going
to have to tell Filly what that is.

Right, er,
when you're eating food... Yeah.

...if you want to bring it back up
again...

Lee, not that bit.
Saturday Superstore.

Plastic container that carries
water... No, not the bucket.

The TV show.

Oh, the TV show. TV is like
YouTube... No! Saturday Superstore!

Oh, yeah. Like YouTube...
Saturday Superstore.

It was a TV show in the '80s
and Cheryl was the host, was it?

Well, let's find out. She had come
on with Bucks Fizz to do a song.

What were you on for?

I wasn't really featured. I was
on as part of my Cubs troupe...

But what was the feature about?

The feature was Peter Duncan was on,
talking about litter.

Aw! And what was it...? What
happened that made you feel sick?

I ate my packed lunch quickly
on the coach on the way there. Oh!

What did you have?

Sandwiches, crisps, I think
probably a Penguin.

And then, also, a Penguin biscuit.
Oh, that was...

Anyway, I overate
and I was feeling a bit, um,

full and then we were in this
environment that felt alien... Yeah.

How did Cheryl see you...?

Did you say that you felt sick, or
did she spot that you looked sick?

I think I was saying that
I was feeling sick.

Wasn't Cheryl busy, Bucks Fizzing?

Um, well, no, it wasn't
during their number.

No, obviously. It was afterwards.

I think it was probably during
a cartoon or something. Right.

And I was saying I'm feeling a bit
sick and very kindly,

she was nearby and she produced
a bucket from somewhere...

Where, though? I mean, that's
quite... I imagine in this studio...

I imagine there will be buckets
around here. I'm not sure there would be.

I think there are buckets in this
room. I don't think there is.

There we are. There we go.

Thank you very much! Wow!
A classic.

OK, so there is a bucket in a studio. Yeah. I'll
give you that. Why would Cheryl out of everyone...?

Why is she going to get you
a bucket?

Why is it not like a runner or even
the producer, someone else?

I don't think Cheryl would do that.

Or the fella with the blonde hair that
no—one can remember the name of.

That guy. I've just been given
the eye by Cheryl Baker.

You mess with the band,
you mess with me!

She was just nearby
and she was nice.

She spotted a bucket
and brought it over to me.

Did you put the bucket to use?
No, I was feeling all, you know...

Bilious? Full and worried.

Yes. This is David's
pre—lovemaking talk again.

AS DAVID:
I'm feeling full AND worried.

Surely, worry is the most erotic
of all the emotions.

Well, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team,

is Cheryl Gyles's kissing companion,

Lou's changing room chum,
or David's bucket bringer?

Just going by look alone, right,

does David look like
a bilious child?

Does Lou look like a shop worker?
Does Gyles look like a pervert?

I... I think we know where we're
heading! They're all true!

Right,
this is what we're going to do.

I'm going to narrow it down
to three, you're going

to narrow it down to two,
and you're going to say who it is.

I think it's one of them three.

And I think it's either
David or Gyles, so it's down to you.

I'm going to go David. OK,
you're saying it's David. Cheryl,

would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Cheryl,

and Gyles and I
broke a world record...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

...for the longest screen kiss.
Yes, they did.

And we have a photograph to show.
Look, there it is!

Aw! Wow! And look at the way Gyles
is having to hold on with two hands.

You can't go! Come back!

Cheryl, tell us about this traumatic
event from your perspective.

How was it?
I tell you what I really remember,

you had a cup of coffee
just before we had the snog.

Oh, that's awful! Thank you very
much, Cheryl. Thank you, Cheryl!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Gyles.

Every morning, to aid my diction,

I stand in front of the bathroom
mirror and say my special phrase.

Ah... Lee's team.
Well, I can't think of what to ask.

What was the special phrase? Good
one! What was the special phrase?

Hip, bath, hip, bath, lavatory,
lavatory, bidet, bidet,

douche!

No!

No!

The reason for it is this,
clarity is key... What is?

When it comes to clarity...

If you want to be clear,
get the consonants right,

you want volume, you need
to get the vowels right. OK.

And this lovely phrase gives you
an opportunity to use your vowels

and your consonants. I used to do a
slight inclination of the cranium

is as adequate a spasmodic movement
of one optic to an equine quadruped,

utterly devoid of any
visionary capacity.

And then I realised that... I think
I'm having another stroke!

You could say, a nod's as good
as a wink to a blind horse.

So, it's to aid my diction.
I want to do it with you.

Can you walk me through it? Yeah.
Hip, bath, hip, bath...

Hip, bah, hip, bah...

No, "th" at the end.
Oh, bath. Hip, BATH!

Beautiful! Hip, bath!

This is like...
This is as if Lin—Manuel Miranda

had reworked My Fair Lady. Yeah.

We could do this together
on YouTube.

For real, if we done a YouTube
video, me teaching you some slang

and you teaching me some of these
nice posh words, it would be amazing.

Carry on with it, Gyles. Hip, bath,
hip, bath, lavatory, lavatory...

Hip, bath, hip, bath,
lavatory, lavatory...

Bidet, bidet... Bidet, bidet...

Douche! Douche!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I wouldn't mind learning some
of his lingo. What do I teach you?

Filly,
if I were to meet a young woman

and I wanted to say something
rather flattering to her,

what's the kind of lingo
you'd advise me to use?

Like, the street language, you'd say
leng, or peng. Leg or peg? Leng.

Leng. L=E=N-G. So I can go,
"She's leng!" She's leng!

She's leng!

You done the hand
on the face as well

What do you think, Sarah?
About what?

I think it's probably true, cos he has got very
good diction and... He's got lovely diction!

I think we all feel the same, I'm
going to say he's telling the truth.

I think it's the truth. It's got to be
the truth. They all think it's the truth.

Gyles, were you telling the truth,
or was it in fact a lie?

It was...

...true.

It's true! Gyles does say a special
phrase every morning. KLAXON

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that it's a draw.
Lee has three and David has three.

Well done! Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Good night.