Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - Episode #15.3 - full transcript

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening!

Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?" —

the show that separates
fact from fiction.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian who once

appeared in a stage version of
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

A musical about a flying car?

I'm surprised THAT took off.

It's Jason Manford.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a former Bake Off star,
but don't worry, I'm not going to do



any cheap baking puns,
not for all the DOUGH in the world.

It's Briony May Williams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a pop star who, as a child, often

appeared with her mum on
Blue Peter, presumably introduced

with the words,
"Here's one I made earlier."

It's Sophie Ellis—Bextor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who supports Arsenal,

so tonight we've put him on a team
full of promise

that will nevertheless lose.
It's Loyiso Gola.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Round One,
Home Truths,

where our panel lists read out



a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

And, Jason, you're first tonight.
Oh!

I taught my kids the alphabet
by singing it

to the EastEnders theme tune.

Well, we've got to hear it.

HE SIGHS

Jason's panicking now cos
he knows the EastEnders theme tune

but he doesn't know the alphabet.

We're not going to ask you to do it
just yet because... Good.

...we can't win. If he does it badly,
he might be bluffing.

If he does it well...
We could all try and do it together.

Well, I mean, I've taught
my children. I can teach you.

Yeah. Let's do it.
It's just one note, one letter.

# A-B-C-D-E-F-G

# H-1-)-K

# L-M-N-0-P-Q

# R-S-T-U-V-W

# X-Y-2. #

Lovely. No, no, no! Lovely!

APPLAUSE
Not lovely.

You're clapping
but that's not got a definite end.

It does cos then it goes...
You stopped mid...

# And that's how you learn
the alphabet. #

But he didn't do that, did he?

You're a better parent than I am.
I might incorporate that.

I've got three—year—old who's going
through it at the moment. OK.

Although we're doing it with Corrie,
trying to mix it up a little bit.

Do you do Corrie for counting?
I could do!

# One, two, three, four,
five, six... #

Are there any other things
you've put to theme tunes?

Yeah, we do the periodic table
of elements

to Dr Who!
LAUGHTER

Is EastEnders on in South Africa?

No. Just get the box set
and catch up.

LAUGHTER

It was a letter to a note. Yeah.
Cos you could have gone,

# A—A-A-A-AB

# C-D-E-E

# F-G... #

Yeah, but I wanted to make it...
I haven't finished.

# H-1-J-K

# I.

# M-N-0-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V... #

Oh, so you just stick another song
on the end!

# .L#

That is another way.

Sophie, I don't want to put you
in this invidious position,

but as a pop star,
if you had to choose between one

or the other,
which would you go for?

I did really enjoy yours, yeah.
Thanks very much.

Fair enough. Fair enough.
All right. Is it true?

I don't know. I was just thinking
about you saying,

"Who would you choose, me or Jason?"

I can't help thinking
she'd be swiping left for both.

I can't help thinking
she'd be swiping right for both.

I don't know which way round it is,
but you can use that in the edit.

I think it's not true. Sophie?

I'm going to say it's a lie.

Yeah. I think it's a lie.

Jason, truth or lie?

# It is a

# Lie. #

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Jason didn't
teach his kids the alphabet

using the EastEnders theme.

Briony, you're next.

Oh.

When Paul Hollywood fell asleep
in the tent at the Bake Off wrap

party, Prue and I piped icing
on his face and sprinkled him

with hundreds and thousands.

It's a lovely thought. Lee's team.

Did he wake up
when you were doing this?

No. Whose idea was it?
It was Prue's idea.

Was it? Did she have to persuade
you or were you well up for it?

Oh, no, I was well up for it.

We should check, Loyiso, do
you know who we're talking about?

Is this on in South Africa?

I have no idea what you guys
are talking about.

LAUGHTER

It's a televised baking competition.

OK, cool. I get that.
You don't have Bake Off over there?

We would describe it to you,
but we know your reaction

would be,
"And THAT'S a television program me?"

I'm surprised
THIS is a television program me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't encourage him!

LAUGHTER

Now, what happened when he woke up,
then? Give us his reaction.

OK, hold on. Hold on.

Is he one of the contestants?
He's the judge.

Paul Hollywood is quite...
A lot of people fancy him.

And there's a moment
where, if he shakes your hand,

you've done exceptionally well.
It's called the Hollywood handshake.

Yeah. When I was on,
I got the Hollywood handshake.

I never got one. Yeah.
Never got one.

Annoying, though. Took my hand away,

my watch was gone.
LAUGHTER

So tell us, Briony,
when he was roused, how did...?

LAUGHTER
Roused! Sorry!

When he was...

LAUGHTER

When he was roused from his sleep,
what?...

AS KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ooh, no!
..what...

I'm doing Kenneth Williams!

LAUGHTER

AS KENNETH WILLIAMS: What was
his reaction when he woke up?

LAUGHS LIKE KENNETH WILLIAMS

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Like that? Yeah. Good.

Well, he was very angry.

He just got really cross,
shouted at us, and stormed off.

Fair enough.
Well, what do you think?

I mean, she was definitely
on Bake Off — we know that.

Yeah. Well, I like to think
that Paul Hollywood would just find

it a bit funny and just sort of go,
"Oh, cheeky..."

— "You guys!”
— Yeah, "You guys!”

Yeah.

LOYISO VIBRATES LIPS

I'm going to...

I'm going to say it's a lie too.

You say lie? Yeah.
You say lie? Mm—hm.

I've got to go with my team and say
lie. You're going to say it's a lie.

OK, Briony, was it true,
or was it a lie?

It was a

lie. Aw, there we go.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Briony didn't cover Paul Hollywood's
face in sprinkles.

Loyiso, you're next.

HE EXHALES

Once, while staying in a hotel,
I was accused of keeping a baby

in my suitcase.

Wow. David's team.
This programme's taken a turn.

There's a lot to unpack there.
DAVID: Yeah, keeping a baby...

Hey, good one!

That was good. Very good. Very good.

It's nice to have proper jokes.

LAUGHTER

Keeping a baby in a suitcase? Yeah.

So how did this accusation
come about?

I was in the hotel foyer
and someone said,

"Sir, there's a baby
in your suitcase."

This is a bit crazy,
but I have an alarm...

Yeah.

...and it wakes me up in the morning
so I won't miss my flight. What?!

And so this particular time
I'd woken up early.

OK. Yeah. And so the alarm didn't go
off and I didn't switch it off.

Oh, I see.

And what is the sound of the alarm?
It's a crying baby.

So you've chosen...

Do you have children?
Do you have children of your own?

Erm, no, I don't have any children.

You had to think about that, then!

LAUGHTER

No, I don't. So no children.

But what you've decided to do is get
the worst part of having children

and make it your alarm clock.

Yeah, well, that's because my
friends who have kids have told me

that that sound will
definitely wake you up.

Oh, I see.

So it was still in your suitcase
and then it went off, and the crying

appeared to come from the suitcase.

Did you have to open the suitcase
to prove that it wasn't a baby?

At some point, yes. Wow!
Of course he did!

Can you imagine security
going, "Is that a baby in there?"

IINO."
"All right, then, we'll leave it."

Jason, what do you think?

I sort of think it's true.

It's so crazy.

What do you think?

Yeah, I'm kind of at that same
point, that it's so crazy

that it might be true.
Yeah, might be true.

I mean, I don't understand
why the noise of a baby crying

rather than a normal alarm.

Well, think about it this way.

Yeah. The same app gives you, like,
tonnes of sort of sounds to go

to sleep to as well.

Why is he trying to convince us?
Yes, he's trying to convince us.

We were already going towards true.

That's the obvious sign of a lie,
when people want you to believe it.

Come on, what's it going to be?

Oh, I am baffled.
You're a little thrown, aren't you?

Yeah.

This is — I think of it
as a little THRONE, thank you.

LAUGHTER

Very nice. Very nice.

I think true. You still think true,
despite the last—minute

attempt to convince?
Yeah, I think he's double bluffing.

You still true? I think lie.

Now you've gone over... Sorry. Oh!
Sorry.

It's a very...
I'm going to go true.

Oh. How upsetting will that be
for Briony?

You're essentially calling HER
a liar.

No, I'm not calling her a liar —

I'm calling her an idiot.

LAUGHTER

All right.

Loyiso, was it the truth
or was it a lie?

It is...

...absolute truth.

APPLAUSE

It's true.

Loyiso was accused of having a baby
in his suitcase.

Sophie, you're next.

During lock down, I cut my son's hair
so badly, I gave him £20

to tell his dad
he'd done it himself.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

So what went wrong with the styling?

I am really bad
with cutting my son's hair.

I've tried a few times
with different kids and...

All your own, though? Yeah.

Sorry, yeah.

What was the look
you were going for?

Just to make it shorter.
Just a trim.

And if you had to pick between,
say, mine and Rob's and Lee's,

what would have been
the dream style? Careful.

LEE: You looking like a woman
who needs more options.

Well, yeah, I was thinking none of
you really have the same hair as Ray.

It's almost like quite surfer dude
at the moment, and I just tried to

give it so that he could
just see again.

Surfer dude. So, David?

LAUGHTER

How did your husband,
their dad, react?

So he guessed pretty quickly,

but I think Richard mainly found it
funny, luckily.

Oh, OK.
That's lucky cos it's pretty awful.

What, the bribery bit?
Well, all of it, actually.

I mean, imagine that, taking money

for lying.

Who among us would do that?

So what's it going to be?

I think true cos, as someone
who uses bribery regularly

in parenting, I would say
that's completely plausible.

I can completely believe the story.

I just think you've priced
yourself wrong. It's too much.

You've got to be thinking
chocolate.

That's the thing, cos the thing
about chocolate is that children

really like it,
but it's incredibly inexpensive.

My parents brought me up to
believe that a chocolate digestive

cost about £75.

LAUGHTER

All right, so what's it going to be?

I think it's a lie.
I don't think she would do that.

Lie? You think it's true.
I think we're going to go lie.

Sophie, truth or lie? Luckily,

I was lying.
APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Sophie didn't give
her son a terrible haircut.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panel lists.

This week, each of David's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team to spot

who is telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Kath.

APPLAUSE

So, Jason, what is Kath to you?

This is Kath.

She got angry with me
because I couldn't stop

eating her dog's sausages.

Right. Jason's sausage saviour.

Briony, how do you know Kath?

This is Kath.

I had to strip her of first prize
in a baking contest when I found out

that somebody else had made
her cake.

GASPING
Right, Briony's bogus baker.

And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Kath?

This is Kath.

Together we recently enjoyed
a five—mile ride on a tandem.

So there we have it. Is Kath
Jason's sausage saviour,

Briony's bogus baker,
or David's cycling sidekick?

Lee, where would you like to begin?

Let's start with Jason. Mm—hm.

When was this?

Gosh, when was this?

LAUGHTER

I mean, give us a decade.

Oh, it was recent. It was
in the last year. In the last year.

It was about four months ago.
How long did it happen for?

Just over a year, I think.

So for just over a year, you've been
eating her dog's sausages.

That's right. Right.

Just one more question. All right.

What the hell are you talking about?

Kath has got a cafe... Yeah.

...and that sells sausages.

Right.
What's the texture of the sausages?

LAUGHTER

I wasn't expecting that question.

They were pork sausages,
sliced up,

and, er, for dogs.

So she's your local cafe owner?
That's right, yeah. Right.

You go into this cafe
fairly regularly.

I go into the cafe. Yeah.
How often do you go?

Like, at one point, every day.
Why?

Because.. because
it's in the square.

What does that mean?
In the square where I live.

It's in the square where you live.
Yeah. Where do you live —

Trump ton? I've got a lot...

I've got an office
and it's near Kath's caff.

OK, this is during the lock down?

It WAS during lock down. Mm—hm.

Was Kath's caff open?

Only for outside use.

These sausages,

are they already outside on
the table as a treat for the dogs?

Yes. Ah!
How many tables had sausages on?

One, of course! Just one?
Just the one.

You weren't allowed to sit
at the tables,

because it was lock down.

Oh, so I see! So humans
weren't allowed to sit down,

but loads of dogs were going,
"How've you been? You all right?"

LAUGHTER
"Yeah." "Yeah."

What sort of dog do you have?
No, I don't have a dog.

Oh.

What makes them different,
like, types of sausage?

Why would they not be for humans,
as well?

Well, I thought they were.

I thought they were sausage samples.

OK. You thought they were
to make you go,

"Mmm, I'll have number three,
please." Yeah!

Wait, wait. Yeah.

Did she reprimand you
multiple times or once?

Actually,
she's never reprimanded me.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

If you say you didn't stop, that
means it happened multiple times.

It can't happen once.

Hmm?
SOPHIE: Can I say...?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're getting me mixed up here.

Sophie, what...?
LAUGHTER

Sophie's got a question.

No—one's ever done that
on this show before, gone,

"Erm, erm, no, I'll take
another question, please."

It's not Question Time!

"Er, yes, the lady there in the...

"..in the sparkly dress,

"what would you like to say?"

Just answer the question!

LAUGHTER

So, what happened was,
she put a sign up to say,

"Can you stop eating
the dog sausages?"

Just, "Dear Jason..."

Not for everybody!

No, it was a general, like,
someone's eaten the sausages.

Yeah. "I'I turn around and
if they're back on the table,

"we'll say no more about it."

How many times did you do it
and how did you...? OK.

How did you find out
that you were in the wrong?

OK. When he was on all-fours
licking the water.

LAUGHTER

He said, "Enough is enough."”

Because one day I got to the cafe
and there was a sign saying,

"These sausages are for dogs.
Can you stop?”

Did you go in and tell her,
"By the way, that is me.

"I think it might be mainly me
eating the sausages"?

I never went face—to—face.
"By the way..."

So you didn't
mention it to her at all? No.

Must have got hell of a shock when
she got the call to come down today.

"What the hell's this about?
0K, I'L come, then.

"But what the hell
I am going to hear?

"Has he been stealing from my shop?
What's he been doing?"

No, she just came down.
"Yeah, I'll come."

"Don't you want to know why?"

"Nah!
There's nothing left at home,

"I'm bankrupt. Someone keeps eating
all my dog sausages."

Who would you like to quiz next?

I mean, wow, I mean,
give the poor fellow a break.

Jason, have a drink.
We'll come back to you in a minute.

There's a bowl on the floor, there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just remind us, Briony,
what's your claim?

I had to strip Kath
of her first—place title,

because her cake,
she'd not baked it. OK.

And when was this?

This was August 2019.

That's post—Bake Off for you?
Post—Bake Off, yeah.

Is it a village fete or something?

Yeah, a little village just outside
of Bristol.

So people just bring
the cakes to the competition?

I know. It's incredible, innit?

That means you don't see
the process.

They bring the cake. Yes.

It's an absolute lie,

because you don't run
a competition that way.

What do you mean? What?

You can't...
People just can't bring the cake.

SOPHIE: They can. Yeah,
they do it all the time. They can.

In the same way a village...
That is so flawed in so many ways.

LAUGHTER
That's the craziest thing to me.

APPLAUSE
It is so... I agree.

What you're doing is deconstructing
300 years of British culture.

I was going to say!

Let's let Briony now paint
a picture of the whole day. Yeah.

So, it's a, you know,
classic village fete

and they had a little marquee,
trying to recreate the tent,

and people brought
their cakes for me to judge. Yeah.

What was Kath's cake? Kath's cake
was a chocolate fudge cake. Nice.

And who had made Kath's cake?

Well, before you tell us,

how did you find out
that someone else had made it?

Well, I mean,
this is very village fetey,

but it was actually one of
her neighbours came over to tell me

that she knew that Kath
had bought it.

GASPS
She'd bought it!

It's like Midsomer Murders.

Yeah.

Didn't the box, and the cellophane,
and the price sticker give it away?

Yeah, it said,
"Taste the difference” on it.

I didn't pick up on it.

She's always making
caterpillar cakes.

So what did you do?
You were given this information.

It puts you in a very difficult
position. Yeah. What did you do?

I pulled Kath aside and had a little
chat. Ooh, you didn't hesitate.

Yeah. I had a little chat with her.
And what happened then?

She was remorseful, but we had
to take first prize off her,

cos I can't give her first prize for
a cake that she didn't even make.

I'll tell you what we have learned.

Despite what Bake Off tell you,
shop—bought

clearly nicer than home—made.

What about David?

David.
It was so long ago. What did he say?

I said, "This is Kath,

"and together we recently enjoyed
a five—mile ride on a tandem."

Right. Front or back for you? Yeah.

Front.

LAUGHTER
Wow.

And how do you know, Kath?
From the tandem ride.

The first time you met was...?

Oh, you met her on the bike?
I met her...

Wow.
That's a place to meet, innit?

No, I... No, no.
"Oi, stop riding so close.”

LAUGHTER
"What do you mean?!"

I hired this with Kath at
a bike—hire shop in the New Forest.

Sorry, you hired it with her?

Yes. But you don't know her?

We were in the queue. Right.

The only bike that remained
was a tandem. Oh!

What were you doing in
the New Forest in the first place?

Why were you down there?

I was down there
shooting a big new drama for Sky.

What sort of character
were you playing?

Posh and repressed
or repressed and posh?

That's the journey, actually.

He goes from one to the other,

and it's over just 12 episodes.

I don't understand
the motivation to do it.

Why was it important that you ride
on that particular day,

if you're there shooting something
and you can come back the next day?

Well, I had a surprise day off,

because lan McKellen's knee
was playing up and...

I thought you were going to say,

"lan McKellen's knee
was playing my part.”

No, no, he was...

We...we...

We were supposed...

He'd do a good job,
wouldn't he, his knee?

"It's not working. Can we give David
the day off and let my knee do it?"

I have to say, McKellen's knee does
a wonderful, sarcastic expression

that puts me to shame.

But anyway, I was determined
to have a bit of recreational fun

in the New Forest and I wasn't
going to give up on a bike ride

just because I was last
in the queue.

When you got off the bike, did you
spend

a little bit longer together? Did
you say, "Coffee?"

Or anything like that?
Or did you just end it there?

Pedalo?
LAUGHTER

No, it was... You know, we...

You know, we had, I think,
a two— or three—minute chat,

but we didn't...
We didn't go for coffee.

I'IL tell you what, David. Yeah?

It strikes me that Kath does look
as though

she could be on the back
of a tandem.

If you were to position yourself
in front of her,

that might sway the team.

That, in your view,
would achieve something?

I think it would, yes.
All right. I will do it. Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry about this, Kath.

I haven't done my warm—up,
but, you know... Get on!

Leg goes over there. Oh!

That's a very low crossbar,
if you don't mind me saying.

No, absolutely,
I do have trouble with it.

Fortunately,
they had a little set of steps,

so I was able to...

Imagine
I'm climbing the steps, over I go,

oh, onto the seat, very comfy.

There we go.

Now, you'd want to check
that Kath was happy.

Are you happy, Kath?

SHOUTS: Are you happy, Kath?

I'll take that as a yes.

And off we go.

Oh. There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's some
New Forest ponies, there.

That one looks like
it's got mange.

Over a cattle grid. Drr—rrum!

David, I have to tell you,
she's making very little effort.

LAUGHTER

Do you know,
there are times in your life

where you question
some of your career choices.

Back to the hire shop.
There we go.

Bung it in. Both brakes.
There we go.

There, we pull it and
then prop the thing up,

down the little staircase.

Very nice to meet you, Kath.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you go. Lovely.

We need an answer.

Is Kath Jason's sausage saviour,

Briony's bogus baker,

or David's cycling sidekick?

It's a hard one, this.

I'm going to let you two decide.

I'm going to go with Jason.

You're saying Jason
ate dog sausages? Yeah.

Erm, I'm going to say
the cake one, actually.

OK, I'm slightly
more towards Jason. OK, I'm...

Oh, have you changed?
Oh, uhh, argh!

Stop growling. It sounds
like you've had dog sausages.

What are you going to go for?

Sausages? We can go sausages.

OK, we are going to go sausages.
Yeah.

Are you happy with sausage?
I'm happy with sausage.

Here we go.
I'm not happy with sausage.

I think it's cake,
but we'll go sausage.

Well, go with what you think it is.
Cake!

You can always compromise
and go tandem.

I think you're going cake.

Kath, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Kath

and I had to stop Jason
eating the dog sausage.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, Kath is Jason's sausage saviour

and we can see a picture of
the sign that she wrote now.

There it is, look.

That's it. "Please don't take
the doggies' sausage,

"it makes them really sad..."
Aww! Aw!

“If you're really hungry, we have
human treats,

"you idiot, Jason."

Thank you very much indeed, Kath.
Thanks, Kath. Thank you!

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final
round — Quickfire Lies

and we start with...

It's...

Lee.

Possession.

Ah, now, behind you
there is a possession.

Could you bring it to the desk,
please?

Ooh. Oh!

OK, now pop it on the desk.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, yes.

There we go. Ooh.

Right. This should be easy.
Right. Just get rid of that.

This is the black cloth that I...

...used to have...

...to stop the sunlight waking me up
in the morning.

Now, I think you're being
deliberately obtuse

for comic effect.

Here we go.

These are my uncle's bagpipes.

Years ago, I used to go busking
and would pretend to play them

while miming along to a speaker
hidden under my kilt.

David's team.

How long ago was this?

Oh, this was years ago. Years ago.

I'm just thinking the size of
speakers years ago.

Give us a taste of the size
of the speaker.

No, it was about...it was about
so big.

Can you pick them up and show us
how you'd hold them?

Show us how you would style
this out with the bagpipes.

Well, how you hold the bagpipes?
Indeed.

OK, well...

Confident. So, you get the...

This bit.

You get this bit like that,

and then you swing that like that.

And then you stand like that
and then...

Is that one meant to hang there
like that?

Yeah, that's to hide the wire.

Must have been a strange sensation,

having something hanging
that far down.

Well, it's not so much
the how far down it was hanging -

it was the noise it was making
that was different.

Are they supposed to do that?

I'm sorry. We've done all we can
for your octopus.

I'm afraid we had to put it down.

When you're ready,

just press your crotch.

Go. And here's the music.

BAGPIPES PLAY

Are you blowing the wrong one?
I had it upside down.

I will say, so far,
it's very convincing. Yeah.

Now, a group of small children
have come and sat,

and they're transfixed
by what they see.

Oh, this is lovely. This is...

APPLAUSE

Oh!

All right, all right,
we've suffered enough.

You wonder why they want
independence.

LAUGHTER

LEE SIGHS

Did anybody ever rumble you?

Erm, yeah, I was rumbled, yeah.
I was rumbled on a few occasions.

Well, there's quite a lot of
Scottish people visiting London,

as well. There is, yeah.

Were they insulted or did they
find you out? They'd say, like,

MIMICS SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Oh, where are you from?"

And I'd...
Right. Where are THEY from?

LAUGHTER

So, what do you think, Briony?
Truth or lie?

I'm thinking lie. OK. Jason?

I mean, I want it to be true
so bad, but it just can't be.

David, you're clearly going to go
with your team.

On this occasion, I am.

They're saying it's a lie.
Lee, truth or lie?

It was, in fact,

a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Lee didn't pretend
to play the bagpipes.

BUZZER
Well, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show
and I can reveal

that David's team have four points

and Lee's team have two.

Nailed it.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see next time. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING