Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Episode #15.2 - full transcript
Sorting the fact from the fiction with Rob, David and Lee this week are comedian Bob Mortimer, Madness front-man Suggs and television presenters Angellica Bell and Holly Willoughby.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Would
I Lie To You? -
the show that separates the truth
from the twaddle.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a TV star who presents
Dancing On Ice - a show which takes
celebrities and teaches them
how to cope with two broken legs.
It's Holly Willoughby.
APPLAUSE
And a singer who hasn't come on the
show with his seven—piece band,
as that would be madness.
It's Suggs!
APPLAUSE
And, on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a legendary comedian who used
to be a solicitor.
He still charges by the minute,
so we'd better crack on.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
And a TV presenter who once wrote
a recipe book for children,
covering the whole range
of kids' meals.
That's right, fish fingers
AND beans on toast.
It's Angellica Bell.
APPLAUSE
So to round one - Home Truths, where
our panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them. Now,
to make things harder, they've never
seen the card before. They have no
idea what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Holly is first up tonight.
OK. Mine says "possession”.
Now, there is a box on the floor
under the desk.
Take the item out of the box and pop
it onto the desk,
and then please read the card.
OK, just going to sit you there,
little guy.
Are you talking to me?
Right, this is Jeff. Every Thursday,
our floor manager hides him
somewhere on the set of This Morning
for me and Phillip to find during
the show.
The first one to spot him
is the winner.
Wow. Lee's team. What's his name
again?
Jeff. Little Jeff.
It's hidden before the show
and you search for him during the
show? During the ad breaks,
we have to find him.
Oh, it's only during the break,
it's never...? Well, to be honest,
depending on who I'm interviewing,
sometimes, I get a bit bored,
I'llL have a little look around to
see if I can see Jeff..
You've interviewed me on
This Morning.
And I found him so fast that day.
Who finds him the most -
you or Phillip?
It's pretty even—stevens.
We've been doing it for so long.
And, actually...
I mean, I've been there 12 years
and little Jeff
is a lot older than that.
Can we have a look at little Jeff?
Yes.
Let little Rob take little Jeff
over there.
I'IL say this,
I look huge next to Jeff.
Wow, um, Jeff is a very
disturbing—looking doll. I know.
Jeff is the kind of thing
you'd see in a horror film.
Yes. Can you face Jeff towards us?
Ooh, Jeff's horrible.
Where's the most obscure
place you've found Jeff?
Um, well, that's...
That's a question
that you need context.
The longest Jeff has gone
missing was for two weeks
and we couldn't find... On set? On
set. Couldn't find Jeff anywhere.
There was a teapot on the shelves
and Jeff was squished
inside the teapot. But the thing is,
there must be times when
you've accidentally
found him whilst you're on air.
Never. Never cropped up? Jeff has
never, ever made it on air.
In fact, I had to get special sort
of dispensation to get Jeff on telly
today because he's a real
This Morning...
Oh, he's not exclusive to ITV?
No, no. Because we couldn't
get Phillip Schofield.
Not that we tried!
I'm just saying on another series,
that's all I meant. Holly,
whenever I've been in that studio,
there's hardly anything
in there apart from where
the presenters are.
Yeah. It's just a bare, barren
studio
for the cameras...
No, there is loads in there.
Well, not when I've been on it.
Maybe they think I'm going
to steal things or something.
Maybe! There's quite a lot of
places.
There's loads of shelves,
there's windows.
I don't know that there's 12
years' worth of places.
Well, there's lots of different
cushions.
There are repeat offenders,
you know... To be fair, we haven't
got 15 years of guests.
Sometimes, we have to keep
bringing people back.
OK, so what are you going
to say, then? Angellica?
I think it could be true.
I've got the killer question
and I know the answer to this.
Who is the most delighted
when they find it - you or Phillip?
Me. I thought... That is true, then,
because you look like the kind who
goes, "Yes!"
Where Phillip would
sort of go, "Whatever.
"I've got second—hand cars to sell."
Say it's true, then, shall we?
You're going to say it's true?
OK, Holly, little Jeff -
truth or lie?
Well, little Jeff, what is it?
It's a lie. ANGELLICA: No!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Holly doesn't hunt
for Jeff on the set of This Morning.
Bob, you're next.
On a dark winter's night,
I once broke into the garden
of the local witch's house and was
shocked by what I found there.
David's team.
OK. Er, how...? At what point...?
There's a lot of questions.
At what point in your life
did this happen?
I'm going to guess somewhere
between when I was 11 and 13.
00:05:36,930 --> 00:05:40,429
I'm going to say 12. And you
say the local witch's house -
what do you mean by that?
Um... I mean, this is a very distant
memory now.
OK. It was the house not very far
from me, where everyone -
all the kids - said that the witch
lived. Who did live there? Um...
I don't know their name. Right.
I'll call them Mary Candles.
It had hedges at the front -
you know, with, like, uncut hedges -
a front, er... a front gate
covered with hedging.
And it said on the front gate...
It said simply
the words, "No, thanks".
No! Really?
So that's quite creepy, innit?
Can I ask you a question? You
started that with
saying you were shocked by what you
saw there.
Yes. Yes, shocked by what I found
there.
What did you find there?
I'm not comfortable
with telling you that just yet.
I'm sorry, I'm not.
This is going so far,
it's got to be a lie, hasn't it?
Let me just say it does not
have to be a lie.
Whatever he says, however absurd,
it could still be true.
I haven't said anything! However
plausible, it could still be a lie.
Essentially, what we are doing -
for this section -
is entirely futile.
We will talk for a bit,
then we will guess,
and then it will be over.
So how did you come to go into
this house? Who were you with?
I was with, um... What's he called?
I was with Ken Numbers.
I changed... Numbers?
Yeah, yeah.
Ronnie Calculator's son.
The vibe is it's very unkempt.
It's the gardening.
Because, as we all know, Lee, yeah?
Witches hate gardening...
Yeah... and wizards hate plumbing.
So we knew it was a female
resident.
Right. So you've never seen Mary
Candles, so you're only speculating
it must be a witch rather than
a wizard, because it was an unkempt
garden with no sign of deficient
plumbing?
Exactly.
And, you know, we wanted to be the
first people who said, "No,
"we penetrated, you know,
its boundaries."
We went into the front lawn,
down a gate to the side,
past the bins,
past the back door, yeah?
And then to the window
where there was a light on -
a big picture window.
Looked inside,
and that's when we saw
this extraordinary sight -
well, extraordinary to us
12-year—olds. What was it?
You've got to say.
It was...
LAUGHTER
...a tiny,
tiny horse.
I'm not saying it was watching
television - that was all
that was in the room, was a tiny
horse and a television on.
I did get in the house.
You got in the house?
Yes, Mrs Candles came out. Right.
Yes, and she said to me, "You're one
of the Mortimer boys, aren't you?"
LEE: Were you? Yeah.
So Ken said, um...
And she said, "Would you like to
come in and see the horse?"
And she took us in and it stank
of paraffin. It was hot.
The horse? No, the house. I thought
maybe the horse stunk of paraffin.
The horse did stink, actually.
Did he? Of?
Meat. Hot meat.
As we were looking at the horse -
I always remember this - she came
in and she had a toilet seat
in her hand,
and she said, "If I give
you some money, do you think
"you could get rid of this for me?"
What did you do with it?
Just threw it - on our way home,
just threw it somewhere else,
I imagine.
Did she say what the horse's
name was?
Max. Max?
LEE: You'd have thought Minimum.
All right, now, Suggs,
what are you thinking about this?
I mean, you know,
it's so preposterous.
But David's flung me by saying
this is the way he carries on,
anyway. Oh, yeah.
HOLLY: Same. But, no, I'm saying
lie, of course.
ROB AND DAVID: You say it's a lie.
It was when you said the
horse smelt like hot meat.
Well, do you remember the detail
of the paraffin heaters?
Yes. Oh, yes.
We're talking 40, maybe 50 degrees
there, with those old, um...
40 or 50 degrees Centigrade?
So we're talking
like the temperature
of the desert in Saudi Arabia?
Did you ever see Mary Candles again?
No, never. Never saw her again?
Never saw her again.
She probably melted in that heat.
All right, what are you going to
say, then, David?
Do we think lie? I think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie.
I think it is a lie. AU right.
They're saying it's a lie.
Now we should bear in mind
that, when it comes to Bob, David
has a very poor track record.
Let's see if he can be better
tonight. Bob,
truth or lie? I was telling
the truth. ALL: No!
APPLAUSE
No way!
It's true! Bob really did break
into a creepy garden.
Suggs, you're next.
I only found out Madness
we're trying to replace me
when I saw an advert looking
for a new singer. Right.
LEE: Oh!
What, um... What era of Madness?
Quite early on. '78, this was. Oh,
so you'd had no hits at this point?
No, definitely not. Was there a good
feeling in the band,
or were you thinking there might be
something up?
Well, there was until I saw
the advert.
I thought it was going great,
yeah, I was very surprised.
You thought it must be love, yeah?
That's very good.
But it turns out to be a bit
of an embarrassment. Yes!
I'm enjoying it, even if you're not.
Is that another one of their songs?
I saw this advert... Where was it,
by the way, the advert? It was...
It was in a music paper called
Melody Maker. Yeah, I remember that.
And I was just looking through
that and I saw an advert that said,
"Semi—professional north London band
seek professionally minded singer".
Why risk letting you know by putting
the name Madness in the advert?
Well, this is it -
they didn't put the name in.
Oh. So how did you find out?
Because I'd seen the keyboard
player's phone number at the bottom,
so I went to a phone box... You
didn't? You actually phoned him?
What happened was I put
on a posh voice, as you would.
Please do it. Please do it.
WITH POSH VOICE: I said, "Hello,
Mike,
"I'm a bit of a singer.
"I'm enquiring about the job
in your band."
Bet he's thinking, "Rock and roll!"
"Just out of interest,
what's happened to the old one?"
He said, "Oh, we couldn't
keep him no more,
"he wasn't taking it seriously. He
was going to football on Saturdays
"instead of coming to rehearsals."
Was that true?
And that was true.
And so how did the conversation
then carry on?
"You absolute rotter," I said.
And then he said, "Oh, is that you,
Suggs?
"Listen, we could do with you back
in the band, actually -
"playing drums." I said,
"Well, what's happened to John?, the
drummer?"
He said, "Oh, no, he's auditioning
for singer.”
And they got a couple of gigs
with a new singer, and then he left.
And, with a few gigs imminent,
it turns out I was the only one
who knew the words,
so they had to ask me back,
even though they hated me!
How long after that incident
were you on Top Of The Pops?
Well, we were on Top Of The Pops
in 1979, so it wasn't that long.
Yes. So... And you almost left
the band?
No, they almost chucked me out.
Well, yeah, I was being nice.
Thank you.
So what do you think, Angellica,
is that the truth?
I think it could be true.
Especially when new bands
get together, they're ambitious,
they want to make it big. Hm.
It's a tricky one. You think it's
true? I'm happy to go true.
I'll go with it. Come on, we'll say
true. OK.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It was, in fact,
true.
That's a great story.
Our next round is called This Is
My... where we bring on a mystery
guest who has a close connection to
one of our panellists. This week,
each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth. So please
welcome this week's special
guest, Mario.
So, Angellica, what is Mario to you?
This is Mario.
He's the builder I accidentally
exposed myself to.
Bob, how do you know Mario?
This is Mario.
He's my pest controller.
I got to know him when he was doing
a big job for me
and, ever since, he's been sending
me photos of massive rats.
OK. Finally, Lee, what is your
relationship with Mario?
This is Mario, and we got into a row
because he thought I was honking him
when in fact I was on my way
to the garage to fix my faulty horn.
David's team, where will you begin?
Angellica, so you accidentally
exposed yourself to Mario,
is that right?
So, moved into the house
and it needed lots of work doing.
The builders were in different parts
of the house, so it's one
of those things where, if
you had to have a bath or a shower,
you had to take everything with you.
So have it,
and I came out of the bath
and I forgot my towel.
So peeped out of the bathroom,
thought the coast is clear.
Yeah. Ran into the bedroom.
And I thought, "Phew, I made it."
Yeah.
And Mario was standing in there.
HOLLY: Oh, no!
LEE: Also naked.
And this is her practising
her alibi to her husband.
And what did you say?
Nothing for about ten seconds.
What did he say?
Nothing for about ten seconds.
So there's ten seconds of silence.
You're naked - he isn't.
He's not naked.
He isn't. How naked are you?
Everything was on show.
Why didn't you just run straight
back into the bathroom?
You know
when you have that moment of shock?
I just stood there.
I didn't even cover.
It's all sounding very suspicious!
I just went like this.
Ten seconds!
That's a hell of a scene, going,
"Oh!"
It was.. You know like when you
see films...?
That's ten seconds.
It's quite a long time.
So what happened?
I think I walked slowly out.
You walked out?
You haven't got the towel!
Because what... What were you
going to do? You walk slowly out
and what? Then go down to the
builder and say,
"He's seen it, you might as well."
All right, who's next? Bob.
What was the pest control
situation that Mario initially
had to resolve for you?
It was moths. Whereabouts?
It was in my, um...
LEE: Wallet.
I love a wallet joke!
I love a wallet joke.
Proper old—school!
It's like a half—basement.
It's where I store everything.
Lots of bags of clothes that we,
you know, haven't thrown out.
Mario came around to sort
it out and it ain't easy.
Where do the rats come in?
Yeah. You said rats, didn't you?
I got talking to Mario and he showed
me a picture of a rat.
I mean, just like you do, sort of
just as you're chatting? "I tell you
what, there's a picture of a rat."
Yeah.
If you saw the picture, yeah,
you'd show it to anyone.
Why, is it a big rat? Oh, wow.
It looks like it's this big. Yeah.
I said, "No, that's just him
doing that hold it
you know, towards the camera
thing... Yeah.
...so it looks massive.
And he was a bit offended by this.
So, subsequently,
with his company - Rats Al Folks.
No, he had a very normal name.
Rats ALI Folks!
Murder She Roach.
But he didn't like me doubting him.
So, now, whenever he gets a
whopper... Yeah? Ping!
Do you have a favourite rat
picture he sent you?
Yeah, I won't let you see it,
but wait.
Have a look at this one, Lee. Wow.
That's quite something.
That is genuinely shocking
and, er, not sure that's legal, Bob.
Allrighty. Now, Lee. Lee. OK, Lee.
Remind us of your story.
So this is Mario, and we had a row
because he thought I was honking him
when in fact I was on my way
to the garage to fix my faulty horn.
So the fault was that it
wouldn't stop honking? Yeah, it was
honking randomly. So it was sort of
going off at different times?
You didn't know when it was going to
honk? Correct.
And how many times did it go
off when you were behind him?
I'd say at least a dozen.
Sometimes, it was that...
IMITATES HORN: Honk, honk, hooonk!
Sometimes it was that...
IMITATES HORN: Honk.
Honk—honk—honk—hoooonk.
So how did the fight break out?
Well, we had a row, not a fight.
I'm not an animal.
So we were driving along
and he's in front of me,
and I'm probably a little bit
too close to him,
which was my mistake.
But it went honk!
And I sort of went, "Oh!"
It's very hard to mime
"I'm sorry, there's something
wrong with my horn".
Actually, there is a way of doing
it, but...
So I could see him looking
every time it went honk
and I was going, "It's fine."
But it just...
HE IMITATES HORN
Eventually, he stops in the road
and I couldn't get past him.
And he gets out of the car,
and he approaches me. Oh.
I opened the window and I
thought, "I better keep this up."
So I went, "Look, I'm sorry,
mate, but...
HE IMITATES CAR HORN
"I've caught this off
the... Honk! ..car."
Came around, you opened the window.
I didn't do that,
because it's not 1986, David.
That was annoying,
because you won't believe the noise
it made when I opened the window.
HE IMITATES HONK
Tell us what happens then.
So he then said, "'Ere!
"'Ave you got a problem, mate?"
He appears to have a problem.
Yeah. "'Ave you got a problem,
mate?'"
And I said, "I'm beeping
you because my horn is broken.
"It does it for no
apparent reason.”
"Don't you beep me, mate!
I'll give you what for."
Yeah. At this point, he grabs me
and he says,
"You... You do that one more time,
mate,
"you do that one more time
and I'll be straight back."
Given that he was that aggressive
to you, you do seem
very relaxed being this close to
him. Yeah,
but I did insist on the screens.
Because that's how...
That's how we first met.
If 1 did that now, they'd go
down and he'd attack me.
OK, we need an answer. So, is Mario
Angellica's blushing builder,
Bob's pest controller pal,
or Lee's road—rager?
Well, I mean, I'm tempted to
eliminate Lee quite early on.
It did start falling to pieces.
I think Angellica's sounds
like a real possibility.
Like, that is something that could
easily happen, I reckon.
What's difficult is the ten
seconds, isn't it? Let's be fair.
I mean, you'd just scream
and run away, wouldn't you?
I scream when I see my own
reflection naked.
Yeah, absolutely. You wouldn't
stand there... Tell my wife,
"Cover the mirrors once more!"
I also reckon you quite
like getting rat pictures.
Yeah. Who would you stay in
contact with -
someone you flashed at or someone
who sends you pictures of rats?
I think it's more likely
to be Bob, myself.
Oh, God, I think it's Angellica.
Do you?
Oh, no. I know. Please agree!
I'm sorry.
Or I'll have to think! I know.
I'm sorry. Go with Bob.
Yeah. You want to go with Bob,
don't you?
I just... I just want to be right.
Sometimes I really don't care.
But, at this moment,
I want to be right. I thought
this show was a bit of fun.
So did |I.
OK, we're going to go for Bob.
You're saying it's Bob.
Going for Bob. You're saying it's,
um... Yeah, can we get it over with?
OK, we're going for Bob.
Mario, would you please
reveal your true identity?
Hi, I'm Mario
and Angellica accidentally
exposed
herself to me.
APPLAUSE
Mario is Angellica's blushing
builder. Thank you very much, Mario.
So confused!
He genuinely just showed me
a picture of a man holding
a huge rat. Well, that's... Why?
I've got lots of pictures of rats.
Can we just settle this once
and for all?
Angellica, have you got any
photographic evidence?
Which brings us to our final
round, Quickfire Lies, and we start
with...
It's David.
To keep things exciting at home,
every time I fill our tin
with normal teabags,
I slip in one Earl Grey,
knowing it could surprise me
at any time.
Oh, it's for your own interest?
Not for the surprise of your wife?
Well, it could... I mean, she
could be surprised by it also.
Do you put a normal teabag
in with the Earl Grey
and let it brew, or it...?
No, no.
It's in the tin of teabags.
It's in the tin. OK. I fill the
tin of teabags with normal teabags,
but with one Earl Grey teabag
in the mix.
Give it a little bit of a...
This is David's version
of an adrenaline sport.
It's not for the flavour.
Oh! It's for the surprise element.
That's it?
It's as dull as it sounds.
Yeah, that's it.
What you've got to remember is
I'm quite an uninteresting
person and I've been doing
this programme since 2006,
so, you know, this is all
we've got now.
Now the question is, when you sip
it and it's Earl Grey...
Yeah... is it a pleasant surprise
or, "Damn"?
Because you obviously don't like it,
otherwise you'd be drinking...
Absolutely. Do you know what I
think? Overall, and I'm sorry
to make this even more boring than
it is already,
but overall... That's impossible!
Yeah.
Overall, it is a neutral experience
because I don't like the Earl Grey
tea as much
and yet the surprise element brings
it up to the same level
as a normal cup of tea.
80 bags.
Box of Earl Grey.
You could probably work
it out, Lee. Is that 80 weeks
that you'll have to have that box
of Earl Grey?
How many cups of tea are you
drinking a day?
Oh, I mean, loads - five to eight.
So he's getting through
a box of teabags
every ten days. Every ten days.
It takes a long time to get through
a box of Earl Grey,
although, sometimes... Hang on, the
Earl Grey is almost three years
old by the time you've got to the
last Earl Grey.
And at no point... When you put
that in... When you...
You're interested now, aren't you?!
The sheer age of it. "Three years
old, David!" I'm interested because,
at the end, when you put your last
Earl Grey in,
and that box is empty, most normal
people would then go,
"That's probably enough,” you
go, "I think I'll go again.”
A new three—year cycle. It's a
three—year commitment each time.
The thing you have to remember -
sometimes people come round to the
house, and if you can believe
that, you'll believe anything...
But they don't ever leave.
..and ask for Earl Grey.
Yeah. Oh, now. Then I'm willing,
I'm just willing
to take one from the Earl Grey box.
But what if you've run out -
if it was your final one in
the thing?
"Oh, my God!"
HE SNIFFS
"It's a disaster!”
It's never happened.
But, obviously, what a
frantic and exciting scene.
You say, "You're welcome
to an Earl Grey,
"but you may have to have...”
You find it!
"..80 cups of tea to find it!"
"No, you're not going
till you find it."
Tied to the radiator in the cellar.
"Let us go!"
"Drink it!"
OK. Time to decide.
Lee, what are you going to say?
I believe David is capable
of doing this.
He needs that little thrill.
You know I need excitement
in my life. You need excitement.
But this is a lot of...
It's not exciting.
So you're saying it's a lie.
David?
It was, in fact,
a lie. Ah!
Next,
it's Holly. Oh.
Even though I could see the DVD on
the shelf,
I once paid £6.99 to rent a movie
because I couldn't be bothered to
get off the sofa.
LEE: Oh, dear.
Lee's team.
What was the DVD, Holly?
It was, er, Fifty Shades Of Grey.
No! Yeah, it was.
I've seen Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Isn't that the one with the plumber
and Angellica?
Yes, that is.
"Oh, no, I appear to have done
it again.
"I must run, immediately."
So you're sat on the sofa,
the DVD is on the shelf.
How far away is the shelf?
It's not that far away, really,
but I'd just literally sat down.
The kids are in bed. I've got a
glass of wine, I've got a blanket.
Dan was working and I was like,
"Right." It's funny
because, when I watched Fifty Shades
Of Grey, I had a blanket, as well.
What? I was just cold -
the heating was broke.
Tried to phone a plumber,
but he was in hospital with shock.
I couldn't be bothered to get it,
and, also, the other thing -
it was like a double whammy of not
being bothered
because, A, it was over there,
and, B, our DVD player
is kind of in like a hub thing a bit
further up,
so it's not just as simple
as getting the DVD.
Yeah, OK. I have got to go
up the stairs. Yeah, yeah.
The kids are upstairs.
I've got to put it in there.
Listen, don't worry,
it sounds brutal.
Um...
Especially for you - you're working
upwards of two hours a day.
You must be exhausted! I know!
It's true! Right, what do we think?
Is Holly telling the truth?
What do you think? I think she's
lying. You think she's lying?
I think it's the truth.
Sorry.
There's something about Holly that
makes me think it might be true.
You're going to say true? OK.
Holly, was it true?
Was it a lie? It is, in fact,
a lie.
BUZZER BLARES
It's the end of the show and I can
reveal that Lee's team
has won by four points to two.
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.
Good evening, welcome to Would
I Lie To You? -
the show that separates the truth
from the twaddle.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a TV star who presents
Dancing On Ice - a show which takes
celebrities and teaches them
how to cope with two broken legs.
It's Holly Willoughby.
APPLAUSE
And a singer who hasn't come on the
show with his seven—piece band,
as that would be madness.
It's Suggs!
APPLAUSE
And, on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a legendary comedian who used
to be a solicitor.
He still charges by the minute,
so we'd better crack on.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
And a TV presenter who once wrote
a recipe book for children,
covering the whole range
of kids' meals.
That's right, fish fingers
AND beans on toast.
It's Angellica Bell.
APPLAUSE
So to round one - Home Truths, where
our panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them. Now,
to make things harder, they've never
seen the card before. They have no
idea what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Holly is first up tonight.
OK. Mine says "possession”.
Now, there is a box on the floor
under the desk.
Take the item out of the box and pop
it onto the desk,
and then please read the card.
OK, just going to sit you there,
little guy.
Are you talking to me?
Right, this is Jeff. Every Thursday,
our floor manager hides him
somewhere on the set of This Morning
for me and Phillip to find during
the show.
The first one to spot him
is the winner.
Wow. Lee's team. What's his name
again?
Jeff. Little Jeff.
It's hidden before the show
and you search for him during the
show? During the ad breaks,
we have to find him.
Oh, it's only during the break,
it's never...? Well, to be honest,
depending on who I'm interviewing,
sometimes, I get a bit bored,
I'llL have a little look around to
see if I can see Jeff..
You've interviewed me on
This Morning.
And I found him so fast that day.
Who finds him the most -
you or Phillip?
It's pretty even—stevens.
We've been doing it for so long.
And, actually...
I mean, I've been there 12 years
and little Jeff
is a lot older than that.
Can we have a look at little Jeff?
Yes.
Let little Rob take little Jeff
over there.
I'IL say this,
I look huge next to Jeff.
Wow, um, Jeff is a very
disturbing—looking doll. I know.
Jeff is the kind of thing
you'd see in a horror film.
Yes. Can you face Jeff towards us?
Ooh, Jeff's horrible.
Where's the most obscure
place you've found Jeff?
Um, well, that's...
That's a question
that you need context.
The longest Jeff has gone
missing was for two weeks
and we couldn't find... On set? On
set. Couldn't find Jeff anywhere.
There was a teapot on the shelves
and Jeff was squished
inside the teapot. But the thing is,
there must be times when
you've accidentally
found him whilst you're on air.
Never. Never cropped up? Jeff has
never, ever made it on air.
In fact, I had to get special sort
of dispensation to get Jeff on telly
today because he's a real
This Morning...
Oh, he's not exclusive to ITV?
No, no. Because we couldn't
get Phillip Schofield.
Not that we tried!
I'm just saying on another series,
that's all I meant. Holly,
whenever I've been in that studio,
there's hardly anything
in there apart from where
the presenters are.
Yeah. It's just a bare, barren
studio
for the cameras...
No, there is loads in there.
Well, not when I've been on it.
Maybe they think I'm going
to steal things or something.
Maybe! There's quite a lot of
places.
There's loads of shelves,
there's windows.
I don't know that there's 12
years' worth of places.
Well, there's lots of different
cushions.
There are repeat offenders,
you know... To be fair, we haven't
got 15 years of guests.
Sometimes, we have to keep
bringing people back.
OK, so what are you going
to say, then? Angellica?
I think it could be true.
I've got the killer question
and I know the answer to this.
Who is the most delighted
when they find it - you or Phillip?
Me. I thought... That is true, then,
because you look like the kind who
goes, "Yes!"
Where Phillip would
sort of go, "Whatever.
"I've got second—hand cars to sell."
Say it's true, then, shall we?
You're going to say it's true?
OK, Holly, little Jeff -
truth or lie?
Well, little Jeff, what is it?
It's a lie. ANGELLICA: No!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Holly doesn't hunt
for Jeff on the set of This Morning.
Bob, you're next.
On a dark winter's night,
I once broke into the garden
of the local witch's house and was
shocked by what I found there.
David's team.
OK. Er, how...? At what point...?
There's a lot of questions.
At what point in your life
did this happen?
I'm going to guess somewhere
between when I was 11 and 13.
00:05:36,930 --> 00:05:40,429
I'm going to say 12. And you
say the local witch's house -
what do you mean by that?
Um... I mean, this is a very distant
memory now.
OK. It was the house not very far
from me, where everyone -
all the kids - said that the witch
lived. Who did live there? Um...
I don't know their name. Right.
I'll call them Mary Candles.
It had hedges at the front -
you know, with, like, uncut hedges -
a front, er... a front gate
covered with hedging.
And it said on the front gate...
It said simply
the words, "No, thanks".
No! Really?
So that's quite creepy, innit?
Can I ask you a question? You
started that with
saying you were shocked by what you
saw there.
Yes. Yes, shocked by what I found
there.
What did you find there?
I'm not comfortable
with telling you that just yet.
I'm sorry, I'm not.
This is going so far,
it's got to be a lie, hasn't it?
Let me just say it does not
have to be a lie.
Whatever he says, however absurd,
it could still be true.
I haven't said anything! However
plausible, it could still be a lie.
Essentially, what we are doing -
for this section -
is entirely futile.
We will talk for a bit,
then we will guess,
and then it will be over.
So how did you come to go into
this house? Who were you with?
I was with, um... What's he called?
I was with Ken Numbers.
I changed... Numbers?
Yeah, yeah.
Ronnie Calculator's son.
The vibe is it's very unkempt.
It's the gardening.
Because, as we all know, Lee, yeah?
Witches hate gardening...
Yeah... and wizards hate plumbing.
So we knew it was a female
resident.
Right. So you've never seen Mary
Candles, so you're only speculating
it must be a witch rather than
a wizard, because it was an unkempt
garden with no sign of deficient
plumbing?
Exactly.
And, you know, we wanted to be the
first people who said, "No,
"we penetrated, you know,
its boundaries."
We went into the front lawn,
down a gate to the side,
past the bins,
past the back door, yeah?
And then to the window
where there was a light on -
a big picture window.
Looked inside,
and that's when we saw
this extraordinary sight -
well, extraordinary to us
12-year—olds. What was it?
You've got to say.
It was...
LAUGHTER
...a tiny,
tiny horse.
I'm not saying it was watching
television - that was all
that was in the room, was a tiny
horse and a television on.
I did get in the house.
You got in the house?
Yes, Mrs Candles came out. Right.
Yes, and she said to me, "You're one
of the Mortimer boys, aren't you?"
LEE: Were you? Yeah.
So Ken said, um...
And she said, "Would you like to
come in and see the horse?"
And she took us in and it stank
of paraffin. It was hot.
The horse? No, the house. I thought
maybe the horse stunk of paraffin.
The horse did stink, actually.
Did he? Of?
Meat. Hot meat.
As we were looking at the horse -
I always remember this - she came
in and she had a toilet seat
in her hand,
and she said, "If I give
you some money, do you think
"you could get rid of this for me?"
What did you do with it?
Just threw it - on our way home,
just threw it somewhere else,
I imagine.
Did she say what the horse's
name was?
Max. Max?
LEE: You'd have thought Minimum.
All right, now, Suggs,
what are you thinking about this?
I mean, you know,
it's so preposterous.
But David's flung me by saying
this is the way he carries on,
anyway. Oh, yeah.
HOLLY: Same. But, no, I'm saying
lie, of course.
ROB AND DAVID: You say it's a lie.
It was when you said the
horse smelt like hot meat.
Well, do you remember the detail
of the paraffin heaters?
Yes. Oh, yes.
We're talking 40, maybe 50 degrees
there, with those old, um...
40 or 50 degrees Centigrade?
So we're talking
like the temperature
of the desert in Saudi Arabia?
Did you ever see Mary Candles again?
No, never. Never saw her again?
Never saw her again.
She probably melted in that heat.
All right, what are you going to
say, then, David?
Do we think lie? I think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie.
I think it is a lie. AU right.
They're saying it's a lie.
Now we should bear in mind
that, when it comes to Bob, David
has a very poor track record.
Let's see if he can be better
tonight. Bob,
truth or lie? I was telling
the truth. ALL: No!
APPLAUSE
No way!
It's true! Bob really did break
into a creepy garden.
Suggs, you're next.
I only found out Madness
we're trying to replace me
when I saw an advert looking
for a new singer. Right.
LEE: Oh!
What, um... What era of Madness?
Quite early on. '78, this was. Oh,
so you'd had no hits at this point?
No, definitely not. Was there a good
feeling in the band,
or were you thinking there might be
something up?
Well, there was until I saw
the advert.
I thought it was going great,
yeah, I was very surprised.
You thought it must be love, yeah?
That's very good.
But it turns out to be a bit
of an embarrassment. Yes!
I'm enjoying it, even if you're not.
Is that another one of their songs?
I saw this advert... Where was it,
by the way, the advert? It was...
It was in a music paper called
Melody Maker. Yeah, I remember that.
And I was just looking through
that and I saw an advert that said,
"Semi—professional north London band
seek professionally minded singer".
Why risk letting you know by putting
the name Madness in the advert?
Well, this is it -
they didn't put the name in.
Oh. So how did you find out?
Because I'd seen the keyboard
player's phone number at the bottom,
so I went to a phone box... You
didn't? You actually phoned him?
What happened was I put
on a posh voice, as you would.
Please do it. Please do it.
WITH POSH VOICE: I said, "Hello,
Mike,
"I'm a bit of a singer.
"I'm enquiring about the job
in your band."
Bet he's thinking, "Rock and roll!"
"Just out of interest,
what's happened to the old one?"
He said, "Oh, we couldn't
keep him no more,
"he wasn't taking it seriously. He
was going to football on Saturdays
"instead of coming to rehearsals."
Was that true?
And that was true.
And so how did the conversation
then carry on?
"You absolute rotter," I said.
And then he said, "Oh, is that you,
Suggs?
"Listen, we could do with you back
in the band, actually -
"playing drums." I said,
"Well, what's happened to John?, the
drummer?"
He said, "Oh, no, he's auditioning
for singer.”
And they got a couple of gigs
with a new singer, and then he left.
And, with a few gigs imminent,
it turns out I was the only one
who knew the words,
so they had to ask me back,
even though they hated me!
How long after that incident
were you on Top Of The Pops?
Well, we were on Top Of The Pops
in 1979, so it wasn't that long.
Yes. So... And you almost left
the band?
No, they almost chucked me out.
Well, yeah, I was being nice.
Thank you.
So what do you think, Angellica,
is that the truth?
I think it could be true.
Especially when new bands
get together, they're ambitious,
they want to make it big. Hm.
It's a tricky one. You think it's
true? I'm happy to go true.
I'll go with it. Come on, we'll say
true. OK.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It was, in fact,
true.
That's a great story.
Our next round is called This Is
My... where we bring on a mystery
guest who has a close connection to
one of our panellists. This week,
each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth. So please
welcome this week's special
guest, Mario.
So, Angellica, what is Mario to you?
This is Mario.
He's the builder I accidentally
exposed myself to.
Bob, how do you know Mario?
This is Mario.
He's my pest controller.
I got to know him when he was doing
a big job for me
and, ever since, he's been sending
me photos of massive rats.
OK. Finally, Lee, what is your
relationship with Mario?
This is Mario, and we got into a row
because he thought I was honking him
when in fact I was on my way
to the garage to fix my faulty horn.
David's team, where will you begin?
Angellica, so you accidentally
exposed yourself to Mario,
is that right?
So, moved into the house
and it needed lots of work doing.
The builders were in different parts
of the house, so it's one
of those things where, if
you had to have a bath or a shower,
you had to take everything with you.
So have it,
and I came out of the bath
and I forgot my towel.
So peeped out of the bathroom,
thought the coast is clear.
Yeah. Ran into the bedroom.
And I thought, "Phew, I made it."
Yeah.
And Mario was standing in there.
HOLLY: Oh, no!
LEE: Also naked.
And this is her practising
her alibi to her husband.
And what did you say?
Nothing for about ten seconds.
What did he say?
Nothing for about ten seconds.
So there's ten seconds of silence.
You're naked - he isn't.
He's not naked.
He isn't. How naked are you?
Everything was on show.
Why didn't you just run straight
back into the bathroom?
You know
when you have that moment of shock?
I just stood there.
I didn't even cover.
It's all sounding very suspicious!
I just went like this.
Ten seconds!
That's a hell of a scene, going,
"Oh!"
It was.. You know like when you
see films...?
That's ten seconds.
It's quite a long time.
So what happened?
I think I walked slowly out.
You walked out?
You haven't got the towel!
Because what... What were you
going to do? You walk slowly out
and what? Then go down to the
builder and say,
"He's seen it, you might as well."
All right, who's next? Bob.
What was the pest control
situation that Mario initially
had to resolve for you?
It was moths. Whereabouts?
It was in my, um...
LEE: Wallet.
I love a wallet joke!
I love a wallet joke.
Proper old—school!
It's like a half—basement.
It's where I store everything.
Lots of bags of clothes that we,
you know, haven't thrown out.
Mario came around to sort
it out and it ain't easy.
Where do the rats come in?
Yeah. You said rats, didn't you?
I got talking to Mario and he showed
me a picture of a rat.
I mean, just like you do, sort of
just as you're chatting? "I tell you
what, there's a picture of a rat."
Yeah.
If you saw the picture, yeah,
you'd show it to anyone.
Why, is it a big rat? Oh, wow.
It looks like it's this big. Yeah.
I said, "No, that's just him
doing that hold it
you know, towards the camera
thing... Yeah.
...so it looks massive.
And he was a bit offended by this.
So, subsequently,
with his company - Rats Al Folks.
No, he had a very normal name.
Rats ALI Folks!
Murder She Roach.
But he didn't like me doubting him.
So, now, whenever he gets a
whopper... Yeah? Ping!
Do you have a favourite rat
picture he sent you?
Yeah, I won't let you see it,
but wait.
Have a look at this one, Lee. Wow.
That's quite something.
That is genuinely shocking
and, er, not sure that's legal, Bob.
Allrighty. Now, Lee. Lee. OK, Lee.
Remind us of your story.
So this is Mario, and we had a row
because he thought I was honking him
when in fact I was on my way
to the garage to fix my faulty horn.
So the fault was that it
wouldn't stop honking? Yeah, it was
honking randomly. So it was sort of
going off at different times?
You didn't know when it was going to
honk? Correct.
And how many times did it go
off when you were behind him?
I'd say at least a dozen.
Sometimes, it was that...
IMITATES HORN: Honk, honk, hooonk!
Sometimes it was that...
IMITATES HORN: Honk.
Honk—honk—honk—hoooonk.
So how did the fight break out?
Well, we had a row, not a fight.
I'm not an animal.
So we were driving along
and he's in front of me,
and I'm probably a little bit
too close to him,
which was my mistake.
But it went honk!
And I sort of went, "Oh!"
It's very hard to mime
"I'm sorry, there's something
wrong with my horn".
Actually, there is a way of doing
it, but...
So I could see him looking
every time it went honk
and I was going, "It's fine."
But it just...
HE IMITATES HORN
Eventually, he stops in the road
and I couldn't get past him.
And he gets out of the car,
and he approaches me. Oh.
I opened the window and I
thought, "I better keep this up."
So I went, "Look, I'm sorry,
mate, but...
HE IMITATES CAR HORN
"I've caught this off
the... Honk! ..car."
Came around, you opened the window.
I didn't do that,
because it's not 1986, David.
That was annoying,
because you won't believe the noise
it made when I opened the window.
HE IMITATES HONK
Tell us what happens then.
So he then said, "'Ere!
"'Ave you got a problem, mate?"
He appears to have a problem.
Yeah. "'Ave you got a problem,
mate?'"
And I said, "I'm beeping
you because my horn is broken.
"It does it for no
apparent reason.”
"Don't you beep me, mate!
I'll give you what for."
Yeah. At this point, he grabs me
and he says,
"You... You do that one more time,
mate,
"you do that one more time
and I'll be straight back."
Given that he was that aggressive
to you, you do seem
very relaxed being this close to
him. Yeah,
but I did insist on the screens.
Because that's how...
That's how we first met.
If 1 did that now, they'd go
down and he'd attack me.
OK, we need an answer. So, is Mario
Angellica's blushing builder,
Bob's pest controller pal,
or Lee's road—rager?
Well, I mean, I'm tempted to
eliminate Lee quite early on.
It did start falling to pieces.
I think Angellica's sounds
like a real possibility.
Like, that is something that could
easily happen, I reckon.
What's difficult is the ten
seconds, isn't it? Let's be fair.
I mean, you'd just scream
and run away, wouldn't you?
I scream when I see my own
reflection naked.
Yeah, absolutely. You wouldn't
stand there... Tell my wife,
"Cover the mirrors once more!"
I also reckon you quite
like getting rat pictures.
Yeah. Who would you stay in
contact with -
someone you flashed at or someone
who sends you pictures of rats?
I think it's more likely
to be Bob, myself.
Oh, God, I think it's Angellica.
Do you?
Oh, no. I know. Please agree!
I'm sorry.
Or I'll have to think! I know.
I'm sorry. Go with Bob.
Yeah. You want to go with Bob,
don't you?
I just... I just want to be right.
Sometimes I really don't care.
But, at this moment,
I want to be right. I thought
this show was a bit of fun.
So did |I.
OK, we're going to go for Bob.
You're saying it's Bob.
Going for Bob. You're saying it's,
um... Yeah, can we get it over with?
OK, we're going for Bob.
Mario, would you please
reveal your true identity?
Hi, I'm Mario
and Angellica accidentally
exposed
herself to me.
APPLAUSE
Mario is Angellica's blushing
builder. Thank you very much, Mario.
So confused!
He genuinely just showed me
a picture of a man holding
a huge rat. Well, that's... Why?
I've got lots of pictures of rats.
Can we just settle this once
and for all?
Angellica, have you got any
photographic evidence?
Which brings us to our final
round, Quickfire Lies, and we start
with...
It's David.
To keep things exciting at home,
every time I fill our tin
with normal teabags,
I slip in one Earl Grey,
knowing it could surprise me
at any time.
Oh, it's for your own interest?
Not for the surprise of your wife?
Well, it could... I mean, she
could be surprised by it also.
Do you put a normal teabag
in with the Earl Grey
and let it brew, or it...?
No, no.
It's in the tin of teabags.
It's in the tin. OK. I fill the
tin of teabags with normal teabags,
but with one Earl Grey teabag
in the mix.
Give it a little bit of a...
This is David's version
of an adrenaline sport.
It's not for the flavour.
Oh! It's for the surprise element.
That's it?
It's as dull as it sounds.
Yeah, that's it.
What you've got to remember is
I'm quite an uninteresting
person and I've been doing
this programme since 2006,
so, you know, this is all
we've got now.
Now the question is, when you sip
it and it's Earl Grey...
Yeah... is it a pleasant surprise
or, "Damn"?
Because you obviously don't like it,
otherwise you'd be drinking...
Absolutely. Do you know what I
think? Overall, and I'm sorry
to make this even more boring than
it is already,
but overall... That's impossible!
Yeah.
Overall, it is a neutral experience
because I don't like the Earl Grey
tea as much
and yet the surprise element brings
it up to the same level
as a normal cup of tea.
80 bags.
Box of Earl Grey.
You could probably work
it out, Lee. Is that 80 weeks
that you'll have to have that box
of Earl Grey?
How many cups of tea are you
drinking a day?
Oh, I mean, loads - five to eight.
So he's getting through
a box of teabags
every ten days. Every ten days.
It takes a long time to get through
a box of Earl Grey,
although, sometimes... Hang on, the
Earl Grey is almost three years
old by the time you've got to the
last Earl Grey.
And at no point... When you put
that in... When you...
You're interested now, aren't you?!
The sheer age of it. "Three years
old, David!" I'm interested because,
at the end, when you put your last
Earl Grey in,
and that box is empty, most normal
people would then go,
"That's probably enough,” you
go, "I think I'll go again.”
A new three—year cycle. It's a
three—year commitment each time.
The thing you have to remember -
sometimes people come round to the
house, and if you can believe
that, you'll believe anything...
But they don't ever leave.
..and ask for Earl Grey.
Yeah. Oh, now. Then I'm willing,
I'm just willing
to take one from the Earl Grey box.
But what if you've run out -
if it was your final one in
the thing?
"Oh, my God!"
HE SNIFFS
"It's a disaster!”
It's never happened.
But, obviously, what a
frantic and exciting scene.
You say, "You're welcome
to an Earl Grey,
"but you may have to have...”
You find it!
"..80 cups of tea to find it!"
"No, you're not going
till you find it."
Tied to the radiator in the cellar.
"Let us go!"
"Drink it!"
OK. Time to decide.
Lee, what are you going to say?
I believe David is capable
of doing this.
He needs that little thrill.
You know I need excitement
in my life. You need excitement.
But this is a lot of...
It's not exciting.
So you're saying it's a lie.
David?
It was, in fact,
a lie. Ah!
Next,
it's Holly. Oh.
Even though I could see the DVD on
the shelf,
I once paid £6.99 to rent a movie
because I couldn't be bothered to
get off the sofa.
LEE: Oh, dear.
Lee's team.
What was the DVD, Holly?
It was, er, Fifty Shades Of Grey.
No! Yeah, it was.
I've seen Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Isn't that the one with the plumber
and Angellica?
Yes, that is.
"Oh, no, I appear to have done
it again.
"I must run, immediately."
So you're sat on the sofa,
the DVD is on the shelf.
How far away is the shelf?
It's not that far away, really,
but I'd just literally sat down.
The kids are in bed. I've got a
glass of wine, I've got a blanket.
Dan was working and I was like,
"Right." It's funny
because, when I watched Fifty Shades
Of Grey, I had a blanket, as well.
What? I was just cold -
the heating was broke.
Tried to phone a plumber,
but he was in hospital with shock.
I couldn't be bothered to get it,
and, also, the other thing -
it was like a double whammy of not
being bothered
because, A, it was over there,
and, B, our DVD player
is kind of in like a hub thing a bit
further up,
so it's not just as simple
as getting the DVD.
Yeah, OK. I have got to go
up the stairs. Yeah, yeah.
The kids are upstairs.
I've got to put it in there.
Listen, don't worry,
it sounds brutal.
Um...
Especially for you - you're working
upwards of two hours a day.
You must be exhausted! I know!
It's true! Right, what do we think?
Is Holly telling the truth?
What do you think? I think she's
lying. You think she's lying?
I think it's the truth.
Sorry.
There's something about Holly that
makes me think it might be true.
You're going to say true? OK.
Holly, was it true?
Was it a lie? It is, in fact,
a lie.
BUZZER BLARES
It's the end of the show and I can
reveal that Lee's team
has won by four points to two.
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.