Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 14, Episode 1 - Episode #14.1 - full transcript
Good evening and welcome to
"Would I Lie To You?",
the show that separates the truth
from the twaddle.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a
comedian, actor and TV legend,
best known for presenting
Family Fortunes.
We asked 100 people his name,
our survey said...?
..Les Dennis!
Thank you!
And the presenter who once hosted
a show about a pop-up restaurant,
I assume that's a restaurant
where they serve only toast.
It's Alice Levine.
APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, a TV presenter
who has a new novel out. I'm not
saying he's plugging it a lot,
but I've got one of the rare
unsigned copies.
It's Richard Osman.
Hi there.
And a comedian who used to work in
the complaints department for Ofcom.
Let's see if she can give
her old colleagues
a bit of work tonight, shall we?
It's Lou Sanders.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round One,
Home Truths,
where our panellists read out a
statement from the card in front
of them. To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Richard is first tonight.
At school, because of something
I once had in my lunchbox,
I was given a seven-syllable
nickname.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team. You'd strike me
as the kind of kid that
you'd have had
a one-syllable nickname.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, what was in the lunchbox?
A sandwich, a snack...
What was the snack?
Well, there, Lee,
we find six of our seven syllables.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Ah, brilliant!
What's your six-syllable snack?
You can think of a six-syllable
snack, surely.
I can, yes.
The big one, the big one.
The big one? Away you go.
The big packed-lunch,
six-syllable snack...
I've thought of a ten-syllable one.
LOU: What?!
A salt and vi-ne-gar
pack-et of crisps.
Well done.
You're so pleased, aren't you?
APPLAUSE
That's more than you need, though.
Yeah.
ALICE: I missed it -
what was the snack?
I'll give you the first syllable.
DAVID: Mine are all too long.
A pack-et
and a half of cash-ew nuts.
LAUGHTER
Another ten!
Ridiculous! I'll give you the
first syllable, if you want it.
Please, do. Dair.
Oh, it's Dairylea! Dairylea
tri-ang-les. Nearly.
Dair-y-lea... Go on, then. You can
do the next three. Lunchable.
LEE AND RICHARD: Dairylea Lunchable?
You remember Dairylea Lunchables.
I do, but I think
they're after your time, no offence.
How dare you?! I'm 27!
Yeah, we're not talking about feet,
we're talking about years.
So, just be clear, the actual
nickname was...?
Dairylea Lunchable Boy.
How long did the nickname stick?
Oh, I would say... I mean,
it was a good two weeks.
Did you have a nickname before that?
I was always called Rich. That's
really... That's so bad, isn't it?
And what about after that?
Oh, then it was
The Artist Formerly Known
As Dairylea Lunchable Boy.
Were you the tallest kid
in the year? Uh, yeah...
And they didn't think
there was a tall nickname
that would be more relevant for you?
DAVID: When it comes
to those nicknames,
the decision-making process
is very disordered. Yeah.
That's no meeting where someone gets
to go, "This is ridiculous,
"this child is extremely tall and
yet, we're focusing on a snack!"
I'm thinking... Say you're on the
playing field, playing football,
it's a long nickname to say,
"Pass the ball," isn't it?
ALICE: Oh, yes.
LEE: "Dairylea Lunchable Boy."
That was not my nickname
on the football pitch.
LOU: What was that? Sub.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, what do you reckon?
Alice, is he telling the truth?
No nicknames only last two weeks.
That's what's so devastating
about a school nickname, isn't it?
They really linger.
Did you have one, Alice?
I actually did have one -
Envelope Bum.
We don't want to know
how that came about.
What are you thinking, guys?
Well, I think Richard is so good
at wordplay... Mm-hm. ..and using
syllables, it sounds like
the kind of nickname
he has given himself.
Lee, what are you going to say?
The tallest kid in the school has
never had a nickname, cos I did say,
before and after, but nope.
People quite liked me, Lee.
It's a lie.
ALICE: Nope, that's a lie.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Richard, they're saying that it's
a lie. Were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie? It was...
..a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Richard wasn't
given a seven-syllable nickname
at school because of something
he had in his lunchbox.
Les, you're next. Right.
After an incident in a hotel room,
the crew of Celebs Go Fishing
wrongly believed
I was having a breakdown.
LAUGHTER
David's team. I mean,
it might be the truest thing
I've ever heard, Les.
Who were you on with, Les?
I... There was... Let me see...
Ian Botham, Fern Britton,
Linford Christie
and lovely Shane Lynch from Boyzone.
So you're doing this fishing
show... And what happens?
And one day, I had to go back to my
hotel room because the next job
I was doing was a TV drama.
So I had to go and do
a Zoom read-through.
It's a tribute to your versatility,
I must say... Thank you!
..that, on the one hand...
I thought you were going to say,
"A man of his age could use Zoom!
"It's a tribute that a man like you
can even turn a computer on!"
So I went back to the hotel room
and I set Zoom up...
What sort of hotel, Les? Mid-range?
Budget? No, a really lovely
individual boutique...
Lovely.
RICHARD: Oh...
We were in Scotland...
And they got it right. Yeah.
Cos some hotels, they get it wrong.
Really, really lovely.
Rob, are you doing an interview
for a website?
LAUGHTER
I'm getting some colour,
I'm getting some background.
So, um, the runner took me from
the fishing in my waders back to...
Linford Christie took you...?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's above and beyond!
It really is. Very good.
So the lovely runner took me back
to the hotel and I had said
that I would be ready to go back in
about an hour. Right.
So somebody was going to come
and pick me up
to take me back fishing.
So I'm on this video call,
and I've done very well
cos I'm on quite early
and you know that thing...
I thought you were going to say,
"I've done very well because I've
been working since the late '70s.
"It's a really the top-of-the-range
laptop, actually,
"because I've done very well."
And so, I'm on this video
conference... Right.
..and it gets about halfway in...
..and I've got my big scene... Oof.
..with an actor
who's playing a bully.
And I think it was the production
manager that knocked on the door,
ready to get me back,
but I was right in the zone,
thinking, "No, I'm just going
"to ignore and I'm going to carry
on..." Yeah. "..with this scene."
So she heard me go, "Sean, you've
been like this since we were kids,
"ever since that time with the lads
in the garage.
"And I'm not putting up for it,
you're a bully,
"you're an absolute bully
and you're nothing but a coward!"
Can I just say...?
ALICE: Oh, my God!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I tell you what, all I can say is
thank God it was a straight offer
and not an audition.
So you're shouting and screeching...
I'm shouting and she's thinking,
"Oh, my God, Les Dennis is
having a breakdown." Aww!
And so she goes downstairs to call
the producer - I find out later -
and she calls and says, "I think
Les is having a bit of trouble
"cos he's wandering around his room,
shouting to this bloke called Sean,
"and there's clearly nobody there.
It's just him ranting on his own."
And the producer's going,
"Oh, not again."
LAUGHTER
What are you thinking, Lou?
I think it's truth.
You don't just think it's true,
you think it's truth?
I think it's truth.
But then again, I'm not really sure!
SHE LAUGHS
DAVID: What do you think?
I believe anything Les says.
Well, that could be a weakness...
Yes... ..in our position,
playing this game tonight.
David, you are captain of the team,
what are you going to say?
They think it's true.
I think it's true as well.
And if it's not true, I can only
hope that you will be offered
a drama like that if you haven't
already been,
because that was a great audition
for it.
Les, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?
I would like to say
that I was telling...
..the truth.
RICHARD: Ooh!
ALICE: Well done.
Yes, it's true -
the crew of Celebs Go Fishing did
believe Les was having a breakdown.
Lou, you're next. OK.
Um... Oh!
A singing coach once refused to give
me lessons because he said my voice
was so bad, there was nothing
he could do for me.
Lee's team.
LEE: Oh, gosh.
ALICE: How old were you, Lou?
About twenty...
..five? So quite recently, then?
Yes.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
I'm kidding.
Did you sing a song
to exhibit your skills?
Yeah, he had a microphone in the
middle of the room and said,
"Just...belt out a tune," to see
where I was at, sort of, musically.
What was this for? I was in a band.
Uh... Yeah. What was the band?
Jeff Leppard. Jeff Leppard?!
LAUGHTER
Is that is that a Def Leppard
tribute band? No, just...
LEE SNIGGERS
..five girls having a nice time.
But it wasn't a tribute band?
We...did three
of our own Jeff Leppard songs
and we did one Def Leppard song
as a nod.
Do you remember the titles
of any of those songs? Um...
Yeah, um...
Rocking In The Evening
With My Friend Called Stevening...
RICHARD: I didn't know
that was one of yours! Yeah!
How did that go?
STRAINED SINGING
# Rocking in the evening...
# ..with my friend
called Stevening... #
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
I mean, the range is incredible.
RICHARD: You couldn't let
the producers know
that Lou's having a breakdown,
could you?
Was it the band's idea to send you
for singing lessons?
Yeah, so it was just me. And how did
that conversation go? Um...
Was it awkward? No, because I knew
that I was sort of limited
in certain areas.
I was a great frontman.
What do you call it? Front lady?
LEE: Uh...
That sounds rude.
LAUGHTER
"You're a great band, but I don't
like the look of your front lady."
What song did you do at the lesson?
It was the one from Mannequin...
You know, um, oh... Oh, I'll just
sing it and then you'll know it.
SHE SINGS OUT OF TUNE
# And we can build this dream
together... #
SHE SIGHS, APPLAUSE
There were certainly
some of the notes...
I think I'll stop you there, Rob -
it's true.
Yeah, but she could be a good actor.
Maybe I'm bluffing!
Perhaps she's got the voice of an
angel and she's lying.
SHE SINGS IN TUNE
# La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la. #
APPLAUSE
I don't know. Les?
I now think it's a...
BOTH: # La, la, lie. #
I think it's a lie. You think
it's a lie? I'll go with my team.
OK, saying it's a lie.
Lou, truth or lie?
True.
ALICE: Oh!
Yes, it's true.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Roger.
APPLAUSE
So, Alice, what is Roger to you?
This is Roger. He painted my living
room the wrong colour twice.
LAUGHTER
So Alice's hapless handyman.
Les, how do you know Roger?
This is Roger and he once gave me a
lift to Family Fortunes on the top
of his bouncy castle.
So, Les's bouncy buddy.
And, Lee, what is your relationship
with Roger?
This is Roger. I once made him
spend 20 minutes that he didn't have
looking for a dog that didn't exist.
LAUGHTER
David's team, where would
you like to begin?
So, Alice. Yes. He painted your
living room the wrong colour twice.
So, what was the first colour?
The first colour was, I believe,
called Railings.
It's a kind of navy blue
from a very posh paint brand.
And what was the colour
that you wanted? I wanted
a dusty kind of plaster pink.
That IS quite different.
It's quite different, yeah.
And the second go? I got a pink
that wasn't a dusty plaster pink.
LEE: You like a bit of pink, don't
you? I love a bit of pink, yeah.
DAVID: And then what happened?
You're wearing pink,
he's not being creepy!
The problem with having a
Lancastrian accent,
everything sounds a bit wrong,
doesn't it?
IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT: You love
a bit of pink, don't you, love?
To be fair to Roger,
the first time, it was...
It was your fault, but
the second time, it was my fault.
How are you painting pink over very,
very dark blue? Well, I'm glad
you asked that. I don't know, but
thank goodness you can't see it
through any more, cos I'd have been
livid. That's a great response.
"Well, I'm glad you asked that
cos I don't know."
"I'm so glad you've given me the
opportunity
"to tell you I have no idea."
It is much harder
to paint light over dark.
Well, this was the thing, and that's
why I was so... I mean,
I was pretty livid.
What colour were you?
I was...
It was sort of a kind of rose
and then I feel like I kind of
kept a lid on it,
but only cos Roger said he'd
sort it out and was very apologetic.
You should have taken the lid OFF,
you'd have seen what he was
painting!
If it turns out that he is
a painter and decorator,
I'm just glad that he's turned up!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'd also like to say
it's the longest I've ever heard
a painter and decorator not talking!
This is very interesting, Lee,
that you're speculating so much
about the profession of the person
who you KNOW...
..to have been someone
you spoke to about a dog!
Alice, you were wanting a pink.
How was there miscommunication,
where you're asking for a pink
and he gives you Railings?
Sure. When he came round to do
the quote, he came...
I've got very high ceilings, I don't
want to show off,
so he did his quote - quite
expensive -
cos, you know, period property...
And so, worked out, wrote it in his
little book and then I went away,
then, he did his stuff,
so that's how,
I think it was just next to another
customer's... Oh... ..decision.
So you first called him out on it
when you saw the Railings
up on the wall?
Yeah, so that's when he was very
apologetic and said,
"I'll sort it as soon as I can."
So what went wrong the second time?
So the second time, I sent a link
to the new colour, but I sent a link
to a colour I'd been considering...
Yes. ..when you're swatching it
and everything. Yes.
So that's when it's my fault.
DAVID: So it was your error.
That was my error.
So did you have to pay
for the second...?
Well, now I just live with
that colour. You just left it up?
Well, because we've been doing this
for about three years now,
haven't we? It's taken forever.
You've got REALLY high ceilings!
Yeah!
All right. Who would you like
to quiz next?
So, Les, the lift on the bouncy
castle? Mm-hm.
How did that come about?
Well, Roger worked
on Family Fortunes...
HE MIMICS INCORRECT BUZZER
LAUGHTER
You know, people always say to me,
"Where do you get those families?"
Well, Roger was one of the guys
that used to get the families.
You make it sound like he went
round shopping centres with a net!
He auditioned them. Right. So,
on this morning, we're staying in
the hotel that's near the studios
in Nottingham,
and I'm worried cos the cab hasn't
arrived to take us to the studio
cos I like to get there early for
the production meeting.
On Family Fortunes? On
Family Fortunes, this is, yeah. OK.
Is there are a lot of preparation?
LEE: Rob, you're saying that
like you host a show
about the Hadron Collider.
This is easier than Family Fortunes.
RICHARD: Yeah.
A lot easier. Really?
ALICE: He's outraged by that!
I mean, I would describe this as
"any idiot could do it".
I think I've proven that!
So you've got to get to work.
Yeah, I've got to get to the
studios, and the cab hasn't arrived.
So Roger said, "I'll tell you what,
we'll go in the van."
LEE: Look at his face!
He was working on the show... Yes.
..but in his spare time,
he used to provide coconut shies...
LEE SCOFFS
LAUGHTER
Coconut shies and skittle alleys
and also bouncy castles
for fetes and for kids' parties.
So you're late for Family Fortunes,
Les is the man who finds
the families,
but he also has a bouncy castle.
No, I'm Les. That's Roger. Roger...!
Roger...
As I was saying, any idiot
could host the show! Any idiot!
I'm proving
it's not as easy as it looks!
You know what? If only you'd got
here earlier and learnt the names!
And he stays at the same hotel?
He's at the hotel and so are two
of the writers and the warm-up man.
We're all there. With his van,
with his bouncy castles?
With his van,
with his bouncy castles. OK.
And we all get in the van.
The warm-up man, Bobby, and I sat
in the back and Bobby just sat
on the...skittle alley...
..and I thought,
"Well, the bouncy castle looks
"like the most comfortable place."
So I sat on the bouncy castle.
Can I just ask, did you take
your shoes and socks off?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It wasn't fully up, it was deflated,
so we get in the van and when we get
to the studio, the security man
doesn't come out at first,
so Roger gets his bugle out.
LEE SNIGGERS
LAUGHTER
Yes. And goes...
Why has he got a bugle?
Well, Roger is a musician
as well as having this...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
So he plays the bugle and the
security guy comes out and says,
"What have you got?"
And Roger says...
IN BRUMMIE ACCENT: "I've got two
comedy writers...
"..and a warm-up man
and a game-show host."
LAUGHTER
I actually said, "If it's up there,
I'll give you the money myself."
Oh, come on!
All right.
Now, what about Lee? Yes, remind us.
What is it you're claiming?
I once made Roger spend 20 minutes
that he didn't have
looking for a dog that didn't exist.
What was he late for? For work.
What does he do?
LOU: ..work as?
Bouncy castles,
we've already been through this!
He's got another job, as well as the
bugles, the bouncy castles
and the taxi service
to Family Fortunes...
And the paintings. And the musician.
He's absolutely recession-proof,
isn't he?
He also works at a lockkeeper's
cottage. A lockkeeper's cottage?!
He's a lockkeeper!
Now, what about this little dog?
LAUGHTER
DAVID: Yes...
What little dog?
Oh, the dog? Yes!
I was having a walk, as is my right.
I mean, who's going to stop me?
It's an open prison,
you can do what you want. Yeah!
So I'm having a walk in my local
park and I-I was caught short...
So I popped into...an enclosed area
of trees and bushes... Yeah.
..and I did what I needed to do.
LOU: Number two?
Uh, I can't remember
which tree it was.
I saw a little dog appear.
Now, I thought to myself, "I know
"what happens here - somebody's
going to come in after that dog."
And sure enough, a man started
coming in after the dog.
So the dog's now looking at me,
weeing against the tree,
quite, quite shocked look,
as if to say,
"How are you doing THAT
with both feet on the ground?"
I can see Roger coming in. I quickly
zip up... While you're weeing?! No.
I-I-I was able to stop my wee cos...
Oh! You're stopping mid-wee?!
There are people that can stop
mid-flow. Some people can do it -
I have that kind of control.
I CAN do it, but I don't LIKE to.
Luckily, I was coming to the
tail end, so I zipped up quickly
and he's now come in, and he sees me
as I'm sort of appearing
from around the tree.
So what do I do?
I panic and I shout, "Sheba!"
"Sheba!"
And I start pretending
I'm looking for a dog.
I see. So you then wasted 20 minutes
of Roger's time, as we know,
but listen, we can all stop
mid-flow, it's fine. For 20 minutes?
Who said I stopped for 20 minutes?
Continue. What, now?
He said, "Well, I'll help you look."
And he goes off and looks
in another area with trees and stuff
to see if the dog's over there.
I take the opportunity to finish
the wee. I'm not going to lie -
his dog stays there looking at me
as if to go, "You liar."
After 20 minutes of him seeing me
getting upset -
but I wasn't upset, I was acting -
I eventually had a plan
because I thought,
"I can't go from, 'Sheba, Sheba!'
to, " 'Actually, do you know,
I'm going to get going.' "
Very hard to make that join!
"I'm going to get another dog."
You know what I mean? So, eventually
when he was far enough away,
I went, "Sheba, Sheb...
Is that my phone? Hello?
"No way!"
"She hasn't?!
"Has she?
"Oh, that's incredible!" My...
Her body had been found
by the police.
She found her way home.
ALL: Aww!
There we are.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Roger Alice's hapless handyman,
Les' bouncy buddy
or Lee's dog detective?
I think Lee. You think Lee?!
You think Lee?!
No, I'm kidding.
Was it inflated, the bouncy castle,
Les? No, I said that before.
It had kind of deflated,
but it was still quite comfortable.
You see, that I don't believe. You'd
pack it away. I think it's either
deflated fully or it's fully...
I don't think it would be in a sort
of mid-state,
shoved in the van
next to the coconut shy.
And also, when they were talking
about painting and decorating,
Roger looked VERY cross.
He did...
And he does look like he has his
cup of tea, milk, three sugars.
It's classic builder stuff.
I think he didn't take kindly
to that stereotype.
LAUGHTER
So, we think, Alice, don't we? I
think we're going to go with Alice.
You think it's Alice?
Roger, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Roger,
and I took Les to Family Fortunes...
..where he would sit
on the bouncy castle.
Yes, Roger is Les's bouncy buddy.
Thank you very much, Roger.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,
and we start with...
..David.
Hmm.
During lockdown, I let my hair grow
so long that I would occasionally
tie it up in a man bun.
Lee's team.
How long did it grow?
It got to... I'd suppose about
sort of there and...
You could get a good handful of it
and it was annoying me around my
neck... Yeah. ..cos it got quite hot
that time of year.
And I thought, "Doesn't matter what
I look like. No-one's seeing me."
If it didn't matter
what you looked like,
why didn't your wife have a go
at cutting it?
I was nervous of that. I just...
Yeah. I mean, if I was married
to you, I think I would be worried
on your behalf if anyone was
near you with a sharp instrument.
You're suggesting that
she secretly wants to kill me?
Uh, not secretly... OK.
..cos she's told me and Rob.
Fair enough. What did she think
of the look? Did she like it?
She didn't mind it as much as me.
As much as she minds you?!
As much as she minds me, yes.
Did you do anything, like answer
the door to postmen or anything
during this period? I probably did.
Did they give you a slight look,
like, "That's not
the David Mitchell I know"?
"It says David Mitchell,
not David Beckham!"
I think that David would be
so averse to wearing a man bun...
ALICE: Agreed.
..that whatever disaster
a home-made haircut would achieve...
I mean, he would rather do it
with a pair of shears... Yes.
..than that sitting
on top of his head.
So you're saying that it's a lie?
I think I am, based on that
knowledge and that knowledge alone,
and not the fact
that I Zoomed him many times
and he didn't have that haircut,
I am saying...
..that...
..that, yeah...
So we're saying it's a lie.
David, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?
I was telling...
..a lie.
APPLAUSE
Next...
It's Les.
I like to keep
my old fingernail clippings,
so I can use them later on. Ugh!
AUDIENCE GROANS
David's team. What do you
use them for later on?
Well, if I've had a sandwich...
RICHARD: Ooh...
AUDIENCE GROANS
..and I forgot to get hold of a...
..toothpick. Oh!
LOU: No, no!
So you keep your old fingernail
clippings...? I kind of...
If I get a really good one
that's got a nice hook in it...
LOU: Oh, no...
Yeah...
..then I'll save it for later.
ALICE: Ew, "Save it for later"?!
LEE: Oh, God...
As you cut your fingernails,
you're thinking ahead...
Yeah. ..for when you might next need
to pick your teeth? Yeah.
But you don't think another way
of thinking ahead
would just be to have some
toothpicks with you all the time.
The thing about toothpicks is
they don't quite get in, do they?
Les, are you single at the moment?
No, I'm married, for the third time.
Oh...! He's already told you twice.
LAUGHTER
Does your third wife know
about this?
She does, and she does the same
reaction as you lot do.
What do you think your fourth wife's
going to think about it?
So what about floss?
How does SHE feel about it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, Richard,
what are you thinking of this?
I'm appalled, is what I'm thinking.
What about you, Lou?
I'm hoping it's a lie.
Yeah, we're all hoping it's a lie.
The thing is, if Les doesn't do it,
someone had to make it up.
Yeah. And I almost think that's sort
of equally unlikely that someone
in their job in television thought,
"I'll tell you what I'll get
Les Dennis to say on TV.
"That he cuts his fingernails
and uses it to pick his teeth,"
and I think that's almost
as perverted as actually doing it!
What are you going to say, truth or
lie? We're going to go lie.
OK, saying it's a lie.
So, Les, it was a controversial one.
Everybody's on tenterhooks.
Yeah. Truth or lie?
It is...
And I promise not to do it
any more now...
LAUGHTER
THEY ALL GROAN, APPLAUSE
I'm afraid it's true, Les does keep
his old fingernail clippings
so he can use them later.
BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal
that David's team have two points,
Lee's team have four points.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
"Would I Lie To You?",
the show that separates the truth
from the twaddle.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a
comedian, actor and TV legend,
best known for presenting
Family Fortunes.
We asked 100 people his name,
our survey said...?
..Les Dennis!
Thank you!
And the presenter who once hosted
a show about a pop-up restaurant,
I assume that's a restaurant
where they serve only toast.
It's Alice Levine.
APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, a TV presenter
who has a new novel out. I'm not
saying he's plugging it a lot,
but I've got one of the rare
unsigned copies.
It's Richard Osman.
Hi there.
And a comedian who used to work in
the complaints department for Ofcom.
Let's see if she can give
her old colleagues
a bit of work tonight, shall we?
It's Lou Sanders.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round One,
Home Truths,
where our panellists read out a
statement from the card in front
of them. To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
they have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Richard is first tonight.
At school, because of something
I once had in my lunchbox,
I was given a seven-syllable
nickname.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team. You'd strike me
as the kind of kid that
you'd have had
a one-syllable nickname.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, what was in the lunchbox?
A sandwich, a snack...
What was the snack?
Well, there, Lee,
we find six of our seven syllables.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Ah, brilliant!
What's your six-syllable snack?
You can think of a six-syllable
snack, surely.
I can, yes.
The big one, the big one.
The big one? Away you go.
The big packed-lunch,
six-syllable snack...
I've thought of a ten-syllable one.
LOU: What?!
A salt and vi-ne-gar
pack-et of crisps.
Well done.
You're so pleased, aren't you?
APPLAUSE
That's more than you need, though.
Yeah.
ALICE: I missed it -
what was the snack?
I'll give you the first syllable.
DAVID: Mine are all too long.
A pack-et
and a half of cash-ew nuts.
LAUGHTER
Another ten!
Ridiculous! I'll give you the
first syllable, if you want it.
Please, do. Dair.
Oh, it's Dairylea! Dairylea
tri-ang-les. Nearly.
Dair-y-lea... Go on, then. You can
do the next three. Lunchable.
LEE AND RICHARD: Dairylea Lunchable?
You remember Dairylea Lunchables.
I do, but I think
they're after your time, no offence.
How dare you?! I'm 27!
Yeah, we're not talking about feet,
we're talking about years.
So, just be clear, the actual
nickname was...?
Dairylea Lunchable Boy.
How long did the nickname stick?
Oh, I would say... I mean,
it was a good two weeks.
Did you have a nickname before that?
I was always called Rich. That's
really... That's so bad, isn't it?
And what about after that?
Oh, then it was
The Artist Formerly Known
As Dairylea Lunchable Boy.
Were you the tallest kid
in the year? Uh, yeah...
And they didn't think
there was a tall nickname
that would be more relevant for you?
DAVID: When it comes
to those nicknames,
the decision-making process
is very disordered. Yeah.
That's no meeting where someone gets
to go, "This is ridiculous,
"this child is extremely tall and
yet, we're focusing on a snack!"
I'm thinking... Say you're on the
playing field, playing football,
it's a long nickname to say,
"Pass the ball," isn't it?
ALICE: Oh, yes.
LEE: "Dairylea Lunchable Boy."
That was not my nickname
on the football pitch.
LOU: What was that? Sub.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, what do you reckon?
Alice, is he telling the truth?
No nicknames only last two weeks.
That's what's so devastating
about a school nickname, isn't it?
They really linger.
Did you have one, Alice?
I actually did have one -
Envelope Bum.
We don't want to know
how that came about.
What are you thinking, guys?
Well, I think Richard is so good
at wordplay... Mm-hm. ..and using
syllables, it sounds like
the kind of nickname
he has given himself.
Lee, what are you going to say?
The tallest kid in the school has
never had a nickname, cos I did say,
before and after, but nope.
People quite liked me, Lee.
It's a lie.
ALICE: Nope, that's a lie.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Richard, they're saying that it's
a lie. Were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie? It was...
..a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Richard wasn't
given a seven-syllable nickname
at school because of something
he had in his lunchbox.
Les, you're next. Right.
After an incident in a hotel room,
the crew of Celebs Go Fishing
wrongly believed
I was having a breakdown.
LAUGHTER
David's team. I mean,
it might be the truest thing
I've ever heard, Les.
Who were you on with, Les?
I... There was... Let me see...
Ian Botham, Fern Britton,
Linford Christie
and lovely Shane Lynch from Boyzone.
So you're doing this fishing
show... And what happens?
And one day, I had to go back to my
hotel room because the next job
I was doing was a TV drama.
So I had to go and do
a Zoom read-through.
It's a tribute to your versatility,
I must say... Thank you!
..that, on the one hand...
I thought you were going to say,
"A man of his age could use Zoom!
"It's a tribute that a man like you
can even turn a computer on!"
So I went back to the hotel room
and I set Zoom up...
What sort of hotel, Les? Mid-range?
Budget? No, a really lovely
individual boutique...
Lovely.
RICHARD: Oh...
We were in Scotland...
And they got it right. Yeah.
Cos some hotels, they get it wrong.
Really, really lovely.
Rob, are you doing an interview
for a website?
LAUGHTER
I'm getting some colour,
I'm getting some background.
So, um, the runner took me from
the fishing in my waders back to...
Linford Christie took you...?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's above and beyond!
It really is. Very good.
So the lovely runner took me back
to the hotel and I had said
that I would be ready to go back in
about an hour. Right.
So somebody was going to come
and pick me up
to take me back fishing.
So I'm on this video call,
and I've done very well
cos I'm on quite early
and you know that thing...
I thought you were going to say,
"I've done very well because I've
been working since the late '70s.
"It's a really the top-of-the-range
laptop, actually,
"because I've done very well."
And so, I'm on this video
conference... Right.
..and it gets about halfway in...
..and I've got my big scene... Oof.
..with an actor
who's playing a bully.
And I think it was the production
manager that knocked on the door,
ready to get me back,
but I was right in the zone,
thinking, "No, I'm just going
"to ignore and I'm going to carry
on..." Yeah. "..with this scene."
So she heard me go, "Sean, you've
been like this since we were kids,
"ever since that time with the lads
in the garage.
"And I'm not putting up for it,
you're a bully,
"you're an absolute bully
and you're nothing but a coward!"
Can I just say...?
ALICE: Oh, my God!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I tell you what, all I can say is
thank God it was a straight offer
and not an audition.
So you're shouting and screeching...
I'm shouting and she's thinking,
"Oh, my God, Les Dennis is
having a breakdown." Aww!
And so she goes downstairs to call
the producer - I find out later -
and she calls and says, "I think
Les is having a bit of trouble
"cos he's wandering around his room,
shouting to this bloke called Sean,
"and there's clearly nobody there.
It's just him ranting on his own."
And the producer's going,
"Oh, not again."
LAUGHTER
What are you thinking, Lou?
I think it's truth.
You don't just think it's true,
you think it's truth?
I think it's truth.
But then again, I'm not really sure!
SHE LAUGHS
DAVID: What do you think?
I believe anything Les says.
Well, that could be a weakness...
Yes... ..in our position,
playing this game tonight.
David, you are captain of the team,
what are you going to say?
They think it's true.
I think it's true as well.
And if it's not true, I can only
hope that you will be offered
a drama like that if you haven't
already been,
because that was a great audition
for it.
Les, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?
I would like to say
that I was telling...
..the truth.
RICHARD: Ooh!
ALICE: Well done.
Yes, it's true -
the crew of Celebs Go Fishing did
believe Les was having a breakdown.
Lou, you're next. OK.
Um... Oh!
A singing coach once refused to give
me lessons because he said my voice
was so bad, there was nothing
he could do for me.
Lee's team.
LEE: Oh, gosh.
ALICE: How old were you, Lou?
About twenty...
..five? So quite recently, then?
Yes.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
I'm kidding.
Did you sing a song
to exhibit your skills?
Yeah, he had a microphone in the
middle of the room and said,
"Just...belt out a tune," to see
where I was at, sort of, musically.
What was this for? I was in a band.
Uh... Yeah. What was the band?
Jeff Leppard. Jeff Leppard?!
LAUGHTER
Is that is that a Def Leppard
tribute band? No, just...
LEE SNIGGERS
..five girls having a nice time.
But it wasn't a tribute band?
We...did three
of our own Jeff Leppard songs
and we did one Def Leppard song
as a nod.
Do you remember the titles
of any of those songs? Um...
Yeah, um...
Rocking In The Evening
With My Friend Called Stevening...
RICHARD: I didn't know
that was one of yours! Yeah!
How did that go?
STRAINED SINGING
# Rocking in the evening...
# ..with my friend
called Stevening... #
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
I mean, the range is incredible.
RICHARD: You couldn't let
the producers know
that Lou's having a breakdown,
could you?
Was it the band's idea to send you
for singing lessons?
Yeah, so it was just me. And how did
that conversation go? Um...
Was it awkward? No, because I knew
that I was sort of limited
in certain areas.
I was a great frontman.
What do you call it? Front lady?
LEE: Uh...
That sounds rude.
LAUGHTER
"You're a great band, but I don't
like the look of your front lady."
What song did you do at the lesson?
It was the one from Mannequin...
You know, um, oh... Oh, I'll just
sing it and then you'll know it.
SHE SINGS OUT OF TUNE
# And we can build this dream
together... #
SHE SIGHS, APPLAUSE
There were certainly
some of the notes...
I think I'll stop you there, Rob -
it's true.
Yeah, but she could be a good actor.
Maybe I'm bluffing!
Perhaps she's got the voice of an
angel and she's lying.
SHE SINGS IN TUNE
# La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la. #
APPLAUSE
I don't know. Les?
I now think it's a...
BOTH: # La, la, lie. #
I think it's a lie. You think
it's a lie? I'll go with my team.
OK, saying it's a lie.
Lou, truth or lie?
True.
ALICE: Oh!
Yes, it's true.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Roger.
APPLAUSE
So, Alice, what is Roger to you?
This is Roger. He painted my living
room the wrong colour twice.
LAUGHTER
So Alice's hapless handyman.
Les, how do you know Roger?
This is Roger and he once gave me a
lift to Family Fortunes on the top
of his bouncy castle.
So, Les's bouncy buddy.
And, Lee, what is your relationship
with Roger?
This is Roger. I once made him
spend 20 minutes that he didn't have
looking for a dog that didn't exist.
LAUGHTER
David's team, where would
you like to begin?
So, Alice. Yes. He painted your
living room the wrong colour twice.
So, what was the first colour?
The first colour was, I believe,
called Railings.
It's a kind of navy blue
from a very posh paint brand.
And what was the colour
that you wanted? I wanted
a dusty kind of plaster pink.
That IS quite different.
It's quite different, yeah.
And the second go? I got a pink
that wasn't a dusty plaster pink.
LEE: You like a bit of pink, don't
you? I love a bit of pink, yeah.
DAVID: And then what happened?
You're wearing pink,
he's not being creepy!
The problem with having a
Lancastrian accent,
everything sounds a bit wrong,
doesn't it?
IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT: You love
a bit of pink, don't you, love?
To be fair to Roger,
the first time, it was...
It was your fault, but
the second time, it was my fault.
How are you painting pink over very,
very dark blue? Well, I'm glad
you asked that. I don't know, but
thank goodness you can't see it
through any more, cos I'd have been
livid. That's a great response.
"Well, I'm glad you asked that
cos I don't know."
"I'm so glad you've given me the
opportunity
"to tell you I have no idea."
It is much harder
to paint light over dark.
Well, this was the thing, and that's
why I was so... I mean,
I was pretty livid.
What colour were you?
I was...
It was sort of a kind of rose
and then I feel like I kind of
kept a lid on it,
but only cos Roger said he'd
sort it out and was very apologetic.
You should have taken the lid OFF,
you'd have seen what he was
painting!
If it turns out that he is
a painter and decorator,
I'm just glad that he's turned up!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'd also like to say
it's the longest I've ever heard
a painter and decorator not talking!
This is very interesting, Lee,
that you're speculating so much
about the profession of the person
who you KNOW...
..to have been someone
you spoke to about a dog!
Alice, you were wanting a pink.
How was there miscommunication,
where you're asking for a pink
and he gives you Railings?
Sure. When he came round to do
the quote, he came...
I've got very high ceilings, I don't
want to show off,
so he did his quote - quite
expensive -
cos, you know, period property...
And so, worked out, wrote it in his
little book and then I went away,
then, he did his stuff,
so that's how,
I think it was just next to another
customer's... Oh... ..decision.
So you first called him out on it
when you saw the Railings
up on the wall?
Yeah, so that's when he was very
apologetic and said,
"I'll sort it as soon as I can."
So what went wrong the second time?
So the second time, I sent a link
to the new colour, but I sent a link
to a colour I'd been considering...
Yes. ..when you're swatching it
and everything. Yes.
So that's when it's my fault.
DAVID: So it was your error.
That was my error.
So did you have to pay
for the second...?
Well, now I just live with
that colour. You just left it up?
Well, because we've been doing this
for about three years now,
haven't we? It's taken forever.
You've got REALLY high ceilings!
Yeah!
All right. Who would you like
to quiz next?
So, Les, the lift on the bouncy
castle? Mm-hm.
How did that come about?
Well, Roger worked
on Family Fortunes...
HE MIMICS INCORRECT BUZZER
LAUGHTER
You know, people always say to me,
"Where do you get those families?"
Well, Roger was one of the guys
that used to get the families.
You make it sound like he went
round shopping centres with a net!
He auditioned them. Right. So,
on this morning, we're staying in
the hotel that's near the studios
in Nottingham,
and I'm worried cos the cab hasn't
arrived to take us to the studio
cos I like to get there early for
the production meeting.
On Family Fortunes? On
Family Fortunes, this is, yeah. OK.
Is there are a lot of preparation?
LEE: Rob, you're saying that
like you host a show
about the Hadron Collider.
This is easier than Family Fortunes.
RICHARD: Yeah.
A lot easier. Really?
ALICE: He's outraged by that!
I mean, I would describe this as
"any idiot could do it".
I think I've proven that!
So you've got to get to work.
Yeah, I've got to get to the
studios, and the cab hasn't arrived.
So Roger said, "I'll tell you what,
we'll go in the van."
LEE: Look at his face!
He was working on the show... Yes.
..but in his spare time,
he used to provide coconut shies...
LEE SCOFFS
LAUGHTER
Coconut shies and skittle alleys
and also bouncy castles
for fetes and for kids' parties.
So you're late for Family Fortunes,
Les is the man who finds
the families,
but he also has a bouncy castle.
No, I'm Les. That's Roger. Roger...!
Roger...
As I was saying, any idiot
could host the show! Any idiot!
I'm proving
it's not as easy as it looks!
You know what? If only you'd got
here earlier and learnt the names!
And he stays at the same hotel?
He's at the hotel and so are two
of the writers and the warm-up man.
We're all there. With his van,
with his bouncy castles?
With his van,
with his bouncy castles. OK.
And we all get in the van.
The warm-up man, Bobby, and I sat
in the back and Bobby just sat
on the...skittle alley...
..and I thought,
"Well, the bouncy castle looks
"like the most comfortable place."
So I sat on the bouncy castle.
Can I just ask, did you take
your shoes and socks off?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It wasn't fully up, it was deflated,
so we get in the van and when we get
to the studio, the security man
doesn't come out at first,
so Roger gets his bugle out.
LEE SNIGGERS
LAUGHTER
Yes. And goes...
Why has he got a bugle?
Well, Roger is a musician
as well as having this...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
So he plays the bugle and the
security guy comes out and says,
"What have you got?"
And Roger says...
IN BRUMMIE ACCENT: "I've got two
comedy writers...
"..and a warm-up man
and a game-show host."
LAUGHTER
I actually said, "If it's up there,
I'll give you the money myself."
Oh, come on!
All right.
Now, what about Lee? Yes, remind us.
What is it you're claiming?
I once made Roger spend 20 minutes
that he didn't have
looking for a dog that didn't exist.
What was he late for? For work.
What does he do?
LOU: ..work as?
Bouncy castles,
we've already been through this!
He's got another job, as well as the
bugles, the bouncy castles
and the taxi service
to Family Fortunes...
And the paintings. And the musician.
He's absolutely recession-proof,
isn't he?
He also works at a lockkeeper's
cottage. A lockkeeper's cottage?!
He's a lockkeeper!
Now, what about this little dog?
LAUGHTER
DAVID: Yes...
What little dog?
Oh, the dog? Yes!
I was having a walk, as is my right.
I mean, who's going to stop me?
It's an open prison,
you can do what you want. Yeah!
So I'm having a walk in my local
park and I-I was caught short...
So I popped into...an enclosed area
of trees and bushes... Yeah.
..and I did what I needed to do.
LOU: Number two?
Uh, I can't remember
which tree it was.
I saw a little dog appear.
Now, I thought to myself, "I know
"what happens here - somebody's
going to come in after that dog."
And sure enough, a man started
coming in after the dog.
So the dog's now looking at me,
weeing against the tree,
quite, quite shocked look,
as if to say,
"How are you doing THAT
with both feet on the ground?"
I can see Roger coming in. I quickly
zip up... While you're weeing?! No.
I-I-I was able to stop my wee cos...
Oh! You're stopping mid-wee?!
There are people that can stop
mid-flow. Some people can do it -
I have that kind of control.
I CAN do it, but I don't LIKE to.
Luckily, I was coming to the
tail end, so I zipped up quickly
and he's now come in, and he sees me
as I'm sort of appearing
from around the tree.
So what do I do?
I panic and I shout, "Sheba!"
"Sheba!"
And I start pretending
I'm looking for a dog.
I see. So you then wasted 20 minutes
of Roger's time, as we know,
but listen, we can all stop
mid-flow, it's fine. For 20 minutes?
Who said I stopped for 20 minutes?
Continue. What, now?
He said, "Well, I'll help you look."
And he goes off and looks
in another area with trees and stuff
to see if the dog's over there.
I take the opportunity to finish
the wee. I'm not going to lie -
his dog stays there looking at me
as if to go, "You liar."
After 20 minutes of him seeing me
getting upset -
but I wasn't upset, I was acting -
I eventually had a plan
because I thought,
"I can't go from, 'Sheba, Sheba!'
to, " 'Actually, do you know,
I'm going to get going.' "
Very hard to make that join!
"I'm going to get another dog."
You know what I mean? So, eventually
when he was far enough away,
I went, "Sheba, Sheb...
Is that my phone? Hello?
"No way!"
"She hasn't?!
"Has she?
"Oh, that's incredible!" My...
Her body had been found
by the police.
She found her way home.
ALL: Aww!
There we are.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Roger Alice's hapless handyman,
Les' bouncy buddy
or Lee's dog detective?
I think Lee. You think Lee?!
You think Lee?!
No, I'm kidding.
Was it inflated, the bouncy castle,
Les? No, I said that before.
It had kind of deflated,
but it was still quite comfortable.
You see, that I don't believe. You'd
pack it away. I think it's either
deflated fully or it's fully...
I don't think it would be in a sort
of mid-state,
shoved in the van
next to the coconut shy.
And also, when they were talking
about painting and decorating,
Roger looked VERY cross.
He did...
And he does look like he has his
cup of tea, milk, three sugars.
It's classic builder stuff.
I think he didn't take kindly
to that stereotype.
LAUGHTER
So, we think, Alice, don't we? I
think we're going to go with Alice.
You think it's Alice?
Roger, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Roger,
and I took Les to Family Fortunes...
..where he would sit
on the bouncy castle.
Yes, Roger is Les's bouncy buddy.
Thank you very much, Roger.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,
and we start with...
..David.
Hmm.
During lockdown, I let my hair grow
so long that I would occasionally
tie it up in a man bun.
Lee's team.
How long did it grow?
It got to... I'd suppose about
sort of there and...
You could get a good handful of it
and it was annoying me around my
neck... Yeah. ..cos it got quite hot
that time of year.
And I thought, "Doesn't matter what
I look like. No-one's seeing me."
If it didn't matter
what you looked like,
why didn't your wife have a go
at cutting it?
I was nervous of that. I just...
Yeah. I mean, if I was married
to you, I think I would be worried
on your behalf if anyone was
near you with a sharp instrument.
You're suggesting that
she secretly wants to kill me?
Uh, not secretly... OK.
..cos she's told me and Rob.
Fair enough. What did she think
of the look? Did she like it?
She didn't mind it as much as me.
As much as she minds you?!
As much as she minds me, yes.
Did you do anything, like answer
the door to postmen or anything
during this period? I probably did.
Did they give you a slight look,
like, "That's not
the David Mitchell I know"?
"It says David Mitchell,
not David Beckham!"
I think that David would be
so averse to wearing a man bun...
ALICE: Agreed.
..that whatever disaster
a home-made haircut would achieve...
I mean, he would rather do it
with a pair of shears... Yes.
..than that sitting
on top of his head.
So you're saying that it's a lie?
I think I am, based on that
knowledge and that knowledge alone,
and not the fact
that I Zoomed him many times
and he didn't have that haircut,
I am saying...
..that...
..that, yeah...
So we're saying it's a lie.
David, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?
I was telling...
..a lie.
APPLAUSE
Next...
It's Les.
I like to keep
my old fingernail clippings,
so I can use them later on. Ugh!
AUDIENCE GROANS
David's team. What do you
use them for later on?
Well, if I've had a sandwich...
RICHARD: Ooh...
AUDIENCE GROANS
..and I forgot to get hold of a...
..toothpick. Oh!
LOU: No, no!
So you keep your old fingernail
clippings...? I kind of...
If I get a really good one
that's got a nice hook in it...
LOU: Oh, no...
Yeah...
..then I'll save it for later.
ALICE: Ew, "Save it for later"?!
LEE: Oh, God...
As you cut your fingernails,
you're thinking ahead...
Yeah. ..for when you might next need
to pick your teeth? Yeah.
But you don't think another way
of thinking ahead
would just be to have some
toothpicks with you all the time.
The thing about toothpicks is
they don't quite get in, do they?
Les, are you single at the moment?
No, I'm married, for the third time.
Oh...! He's already told you twice.
LAUGHTER
Does your third wife know
about this?
She does, and she does the same
reaction as you lot do.
What do you think your fourth wife's
going to think about it?
So what about floss?
How does SHE feel about it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, Richard,
what are you thinking of this?
I'm appalled, is what I'm thinking.
What about you, Lou?
I'm hoping it's a lie.
Yeah, we're all hoping it's a lie.
The thing is, if Les doesn't do it,
someone had to make it up.
Yeah. And I almost think that's sort
of equally unlikely that someone
in their job in television thought,
"I'll tell you what I'll get
Les Dennis to say on TV.
"That he cuts his fingernails
and uses it to pick his teeth,"
and I think that's almost
as perverted as actually doing it!
What are you going to say, truth or
lie? We're going to go lie.
OK, saying it's a lie.
So, Les, it was a controversial one.
Everybody's on tenterhooks.
Yeah. Truth or lie?
It is...
And I promise not to do it
any more now...
LAUGHTER
THEY ALL GROAN, APPLAUSE
I'm afraid it's true, Les does keep
his old fingernail clippings
so he can use them later.
BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal
that David's team have two points,
Lee's team have four points.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.