Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 14, Episode 2 - Episode #14.2 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?
The show in which it pays to be
economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a
seven-times World Snooker Champion.
I'd play a bit more myself,
but, at my local club,
there's always a massive "cue".
It's Stephen Hendry.
APPLAUSE
Get used to that.
And a comedian who originally
trained in acting,
but I guess, unlike her fellow
graduates, she just couldn't find
any work as a barista.
It's Maisie Adam.
APPLAUSE
And, on David Mitchell's team
tonight, a TV presenter
who was discovered
during a modelling talent search.
Well, weren't we all?
It's Laura Whitmore.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who used to work in a
call centre. So if he doesn't make
you laugh, at least he can help with
your PPI. It's Chris McCausland.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Chris, you are first up.
OK, well, I'm still blind,
neither of my PPIs work...
LAUGHTER
..so, David, would you save us
all a lot of time
and read my card out for me, please?
Yes, gladly.
"During lockdown,
I bought a pogo stick
"to use as a home-school
teaching aid."
Right, Lee's team.
OK. So, Chris,
have you got children? Just the one.
And this was for, what,
your home-schooling PE or summat?
Yes. When we did home schooling,
we split up the tasks.
I was in charge of PE and maths
and my wife was in charge
of reading and art,
for obvious reasons.
LAUGHTER
What age is your child?
During lockdown, she was six.
And do you do anything else for PE
or just pogo stick?
I'm quite a lazy guy, Lee,
so I realised that when you're on a
pogo stick and you're bouncing away,
what you're trying to do
is see how many you can do.
How many repetitions without
touching the ground? Yeah.
You have to touch the ground,
Lee, to be fair,
otherwise it's levitating,
which we still haven't mastered.
I appreciate you said it
for comic effect, Rob,
but you know exactly what I meant.
Well, what I tried to do is
I realised that "how many" is
also what you do often in maths
and I could consolidate all of my
teaching efforts into one tidy
little package of minimal effort.
So I invented pogo maths. OK.
And you just shout out some sums
and they have to bounce out
the answers.
But are they experienced in pogo
sticking? Cos it's quite hard.
Well, I mean, it does help
if you can use a pogo stick first,
so you have to get over that hurdle.
You have to get over
a hurdle as well?
I appreciate you said
that for comic effect...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We have a pogo stick. Yeah. Well,
it's Chris's card, make him do it.
LAUGHTER
I don't think the BBC's got
enough money to cover
the insurance on this! Don't worry,
I've got this covered, Chris.
Like the card,
let David do it for you.
LAUGHTER
There is a pogo stick behind you,
I believe. Oh, my gosh. There it is.
Don't do it there. And make sure
you're two metres away from me.
Right. Down you go. Now, Chris...
Hang on, let me have
a practice go first.
He's not doing it, Chris.
This is going really well, Chris.
LAUGHTER
Dead easy.
Are you ready? Yes.
What is... 8 minus 5? OK.
The problem I've got now is, if I
bounce and fall off after, say, two,
you don't know if I'm bad at pogo
or bad at maths.
LAUGHTER
All right, here we go.
One, two, three.
CHEERING
This is good because you've gotta
get them all right
- if you want any dinner tonight.
LAUGHTER
Shall we just see how many I can do?
Yeah, let's see how many you can do.
I'll try and jump up onto there,
how about that?
"Don't do it, Lee, don't do it!"
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven - oh!
APPLAUSE
I've got no idea what's going on.
So, having experienced it... Yes.
..do you think he's telling
the truth? What do we think?
I didn't know
they still did pogo sticks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes.
Imagine how hard you could hit
the ball with a spring-mounted
snooker cue. That's a good point.
So what are you thinking
about this story?
The more I think about it,
the more I think it WOULDN'T work
because the white ball's going
to spin back...
LAUGHTER
No, no, we're talking now about the
maths and the pogo. Right, gotcha.
You reckon it's true? I think
it's true that Chris is lazy.
I'm not really blind,
it just gets me out of doing things.
Listen, tell me about it, mate,
I do it all the time meself.
How do you think I park
so close to Sainsbury's?
LAUGHTER
I think he's lying. You think he's
lying. I think he's lying as well.
You think he's lying. Well, we'll go
with my team and say he's lying. OK.
Saying it's a lie. So, Chris,
maths on the pogo stick -
was it true or was it a lie?
Pogo maths, copyright
Chris McCausland 2020.
True.
Oh! Sorry.
Yes, it's true, Chris did use a pogo
stick to teach his daughter maths.
Stephen, you're next.
"Before every
World Championship final,
"I used to give a motivational team
talk to my snooker cue,
"or as I called him, Sir Potsalot."
LAUGHTER
David's team. I hope that's true,
I just hope it's true!
Could you give us a flavour
of the motivational talk you'd give
Sir Potsalot?
I used to put him in sort of
the corner of the dressing room...
Stephen, I don't want to interrupt
your flow, but if you are
going to... Oh, God, he's not
looking for drugs again, is he?
LAUGHTER
This - and it's not just any cue -
this is a cue signed by one of
the greatest snooker players
of all time.
Ronnie O'Sullivan.
LAUGHTER
Why don't you recreate
the motivational talk?
You're in the dressing room, ready
to go out, you've done your practice
and it's just, come on,
it's me and you today.
You and I get to the table,
we're just going to pot every ball,
we're going to clear up and win
the frame. Come on, Sir Potsalot.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I feel motivated.
Stephen, I'm buying into this,
but, if you were playing
and it wasn't going that well
and you came up in for the break,
would you give it
a stern talking to?
I would sometimes come in and say,
"What are you doing?"
You know, cos obviously
it's nothing to do with me.
Be great if the cue went, "What am
I doing? What are YOU doing?"
When did you first acquire
Sir Potsalot?
14.
You were 14 years old? Yeah.
And it got actually broken
later on in my career. I was coming
back from Thailand. Yes.
We couldn't take
the cues on board after 9/11
so we had to put them
in the luggage.
That's the problem with 9/11, the
cues got a lot worse, didn't they?
LAUGHTER
- Very good.
Chris, are you a snooker fan?
You seem to know the lingo.
I haven't always been blind,
so I used to watch it
and then I played it as well
until my eyesight got worse,
so I had to reduce
meself down to a pool table
and, then, you know,
and then draughts.
LAUGHTER
I do believe it's true, because
I think it's the kind of thing
that successful sportsmen do.
They have these little quirks
and it's what makes them amazing
and Stephen was amazing. Thank you.
Laura. Yes. What do you think?
I think it's true, because,
when you speak about Sir Potsalot,
your eyes light up and you're
so enthusiastic and excited.
So, for that alone, I just feel like
no-one else could get that excited
about a stick. So I think it's true
because of that.
I must admit,
I'm pretty lost without my stick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'll give it a talking to.
"We need to get to the bank today.
"Are you feeling up to your game?"
Have you given your stick a name,
though? Sir Findsalot.
LAUGHTER
David, what about you? When did you
name your cue Sir Potsalot?
It was a name, actually,
my granny gave it, so...
I have to say, if this is a lie,
I'm going to totally re-evaluate you
- as a human being.
LAUGHTER
I can believe that, firstly, in
high-pressure sporting situations,
there's going to be a certain
amount of superstition.
You want to do the same thing again
and again and again.
That's why I never wear trousers
for this show.
There's a clash between
the triviality of Sir Potsalot
and the seriousness of the pep talk,
and, yet, the story about
the grandmother giving the name.
Oh, yes, that makes sense of it,
doesn't it?
Of course, there'll be something
lovable in that very triviality,
because of the family link.
So it's either true
or it is a diabolical lie.
LAUGHTER
David's been under
a lot of pressure recently.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to take a risk on true.
If only, one more time,
I'm going to believe.
You're going to dare to dream.
Yeah. All right, Stephen Hendry,
were you telling us
the truth about Sir Potsalot
or were you telling us a lie?
It was a diabolical lie.
Oh, no!
Ah, there it goes.
There it goes, the last glimmer
of faith in humanity.
Flushed down the toilet.
Yes, it's a lie, Stephen didn't
give motivational team talks
to his snooker cue.
Maisie, you're next.
"Once,
while trying to impress a date,
"I landed flat on my back
in a flower bed."
David's team. What were you doing
to try and be impressive?
It was actually leaving the date.
I accidentally
left from a great height.
When you said that, I thought,
like, being on your back was what
you were doing to impress them.
No, I'm not that kind of girl,
Laura. OK!
Laura, everything isn't Love Island.
I'm confused as to where I am.
Laura, you say you're confused
about where you are.
Just look to your left, you know
you're not on Love Island.
LAUGHTER
Oh, harsh.
Now, tell me,
Maisie, where did this happen?
This was in New Zealand.
New Zealand? Yeah.
I got to know a guy out there
and he asked if I wanted to go back
and see his record collection.
Behave! Behave!
LAUGHTER
We got talking about music
and we went back to his house
to listen to records, but he tried
to play guitar along to the records.
He sounds like an awful human being.
So I decided,
"I'm going to head off now."
Was that the difference
between fancying him and not,
the fact that he got the guitar out?
When he played guitar along
to the record. You would not like
to go round to his house.
So I called a taxi and sat...
I was perched on the window
with the window open
and I thought, it's arrived,
it's outside,
and I went,
"Thanks very much, see you later,"
and, because I thought we were on
the ground floor, I thought I'd just
swing my legs over the window
and run across the lawn.
Which floor were you on, Maisie?
The 18th floor!
You forgot the 19 minutes
going up in a lift.
One floor up?
One floor but I just forgot that,
we'd been chatting a while...
You'd climbed the steps
in a state of high arousal
and therefore forgotten about them.
Is that right?
You should write erotica.
Who's to say I don't?
I have many names online.
LAUGHTER
50 Shirts Of Grey.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So I got a text saying,
"Your Uber's outside."
I said, "See you later, then,"
and sort of twirled round
and, at that moment, I clocked
it was not on the ground floor.
You fell an entire storey?
Or she made up a whole story.
What happens once you leave the
window ledge and you're in the air?
I just remember landing on the small
of my back because I was so winded,
I couldn't speak, and he appeared
out of the window and was like,
BAD NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "Oh, blimey,
why'd you jump out the window?"
- Now again in a New Zealand accent.
LAUGHTER
And, so, then I had to commando
crawl across the garden with him
watching from above.
Was he still playing the guitar?
LAUGHTER
What was the taxi driver doing?
He must have seen this.
He didn't do anything. He just
wound down the window and was like,
BAD NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "Just
so you know, the meter's running."
All right, David's team,
what are you thinking?
The mechanics of the situation
doesn't add up for me so - lie.
Laura? I just don't know why
you didn't land in your face.
I don't get why you landed
on your back. And that is the reason
why I think it's a lie.
You see, I think it's true. Do you?
Interesting. But if my team-mates
say it's a lie, we'll go lie.
Maisie, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?
That was...
..true.
LAURA: Well done.
It's true. Maisie did land in a
flower bed trying to impress a date.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Neil.
APPLAUSE
So, Laura, what is Neil to you?
This is Neil and he's
the health and safety officer
who I mistakenly pushed in the pool
at the Love Island wrap party.
Right, Laura's wet workmate.
Chris, how do you know Neil?
This is Neil and I was once forced
to stay at his house
because I'd handed my own keys
in to a lost property office.
Chris's sleepover saviour.
And, finally, David, tell us
about your relationship with Neil.
David? Look at him.
You have never met that man
in your life.
LAUGHTER
On the contrary,
this is Neil
and I once sat on his shoulders
to get a better look
at a fat chaffinch.
LAUGHTER
So there we have it.
Lee, where do you want to start?
Laura. Yes. When was this?
Back in February. Cape Town.
Why is there a health and safety guy
particularly on Love Island?
Was he giving out condoms?
Believe me, we need health and
safety on Love Island,
but I actually had never met
Neil before.
I thought he was someone else.
Who did you think he was?
I thought he was Cliff.
Who's Cliff? Cliff was my driver.
Oh, you deliberately pushed Cliff...
Yeah. ..but it's not Cliff, it's
Neil. Yeah, well, Cliff is a big guy
and he's got tattoos
and he was wearing all black
cos everyone was wearing,
like, black T-shirts and stuff
if they were crew. Yes.
And, over the course of six weeks,
we were pranking each other.
As you do. So, like,
one day he gave me...
Chlamydia?
LAUGHTER
DAVID: That's a hell of a prank.
Silly things, like put
chilli in your coffee and stuff.
This is your driver Cliff? Yeah,
but, like, he became your pal,
cos, when you're over there,
you don't know many people.
So you see who you think is Cliff...
Well, Cliff is a tall guy
with tattoos.
Yeah. And you think,
"I want to see Cliff..."
He was at the very edge and
he was talking to one of the girls.
So I thought it would be quite funny
to... So how does Neil react?
Well, he was quite wet,
so I didn't really see him.
I just saw when I turned
around...and the other
side of the pool, I saw Cliff.
Oh. Oh, no.
Did he take it well or was he...?
Um... I mean, he looks like
he's still in a bit of a mood
with you.
I don't remember there being
laughing. So it was a bit tense?
It was a bit tense, yeah.
And this is the first time
you've seen him since?
I wrote him an email.
I can't even remember what it said,
but it was very brief.
And it's actually quite awkward now.
LAUGHTER
How much of Love Island have you
watched, David? I mean, is it...
HE STUMBLES
LAUGHTER
I'm so sorry, what?
I haven't seen that much of it. No.
How much of it have you seen? It's
an embarrassing question to answer
in the context of one
of the programme makers, isn't it?
I think, on some level,
you know that.
LAUGHTER
All right, well, that's Laura.
Who would you like to quiz next?
OK, Chris. Sorry,
could you remind us again, Chris?
This is Neil and I was once forced
to stay at his house,
because I'd handed my own keys
into a lost property office.
Whereabouts is the house?
I live in the leafy royal borough
of Kingston upon Thames. OK.
So, which lost property office
did you hand the keys to?
The Roundhouse music venue
in London.
So where did you find these keys?
Well, they were my keys.
So they were in your pocket? Yes.
We'd been to the concert. Who were
you seeing? Who were you watching?
The late, great Chris Cornell, who's
sadly no longer with us. Ah, yes.
Are you familiar with his work,
David? No.
LAUGHTER
Do you know his work
with Savage Garden?
Now you've said some other words
in an order. Savage Garden?
What are they called? Soundgarden.
Soundgarden. What? Soundgarden.
Soundgarden. Yeah...
Yeah, Soundgarden!
LAUGHTER
LEE: That is just brilliant.
It's like watching two people
on Last Of The Summer Wine
debating grime.
LAUGHTER
Who had you gone to the gig with?
I went to the gig with Neil.
Neil's a friend of mine. How
do you know Neil? From childhood.
Oh, so is he from Liverpool as well?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does he live in Kingston? Yes.
So, coincidentally, two friends
from Liverpool grew up together,
now live near each other,
miles away in Kingston.
Well, I wouldn't say coincidentally,
I mean, we kind of...
We moved to the same place
as each other.
OK. So talk us through
the key mix up incident.
So I pulled out a tissue
out my pocket
and I heard a set of keys land
on the floor. And I thought,
"Ooh, hello, hello, hello -
someone's dropped some keys there."
I picked the keys up and I didn't
recognise them as my own keys.
Why, what do your keys have on 'em?
A fob or something?
What had happened is I'd put a new
key ring on them earlier that day.
And I just didn't recognise them...
That's the new key.
What was the new key ring? It was
a heavy-duty Harley-Davidson...
A whole-sized bike?
LAUGHTER
So I held them up in the air
and shouted, "Has anybody lost
any keys?"
And nobody answered. How come you
didn't check yourself first?
Because I didn't recognise them
as my keys! But did you not think
to check your pockets to see
if you had your keys on you?
Would you check your pockets
for your keys if you found keys
that you didn't think were yours?
I would have thought the first thing
to do is have a feel to see
if your keys are in your pocket.
If you owned a red phone and you
found a blue phone on the floor,
would you check your pocket to see
if you still had your red phone?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's a fair point,
that's a fair point.
So nobody claimed ownership of them
and so I asked Neil,
"Can you go and hand
these in at the lost property?
"Cos somebody's dropped them."
Yeah. Right.
And then I went home. Right.
So I get dropped off and then
I'm having a rummage and I'm, like,
"I don't know where me keys are.
I've lost me keys. That's a bit
"funny, isn't it, on the same day
that I found somebody else's..."
"I see what's happened here."
And then I had to phone Neil
and ask him to come back and get me.
What colour was the phone?
LAUGHTER
It's a lovely image, isn't it, those
two up north in Liverpool going,
"One day, I'm going to move away
to London."
And the other one going,
"Can I come?"
LAUGHTER
"Course you can, Neil.
You can look after the keys
"and I'll buy us
a lovely big house."
All right. What about David?
You sat on his shoulders?
Yeah, remind us of this claim.
Yes, I once sat on his shoulders
to get a better view of
a fat chaffinch.
Is there a breed called
the fat chaffinch?
No, this was a rotund example
of the common or garden chaffinch.
What did you have to...look over?
It was sort of up in a tree.
And Neil was keen for me
to get a good look at it. Why?
Because I'd expressed
an interest in birds.
He said, "There's a lovely,
interesting, quite fat chaffinch
"in this tree," and I sort of went,
"Oh, yes, I can..."
But Neil felt I could get a better
look at it and he was right.
I didn't get a perfect view, I had a
sort of sense of a bit of wing tip
coming over the side of the, um...
I can see it now.
LAUGHTER
..nest, and...
Neil is literally stood there going,
"Thank God I don't really
know this man."
I sort of climbed up... There was
a bit of a gate there. Right.
And I climbed up a bit... Can I just
interrupt you a second, David?
Let's just get to the
nub of the issue. Please.
How the hell do you know him?
Because...I was staying
with my family in a holiday cottage
in Cornwall, let's say...
Yes, Cornwall.
And he lived in a nearby cottage
and one morning...
One morning, he said, "Hello, young
David, who I've never met before.
"Have you ever seen a chaffinch?"
How old were you?
It was last year, so I was...
Last year,
you got on his shoulders?!
LAUGHTER
I just assumed it
was from your childhood.
No, no, no, no. This is current me
and what I am asking you to believe
is that Neil is strong enough
to bear the weight of me
for a few brief moments
while I enjoy the miracle of nature.
LAUGHTER
But why's he there? He lives near
there and he happened to be there.
Just happened to be in the garden? I
don't know. He happened to be there.
For all I know,
he'd been waiting there all night.
But I assumed
we'd just encountered each other.
Is this in the back garden?
No, a little gravelly area
outside both cottages.
Casual chat.
"Lovely to be here." And he says,
"There's an interesting
fat chaffinch."
Let's not forget you said you were
on gravel, so if this went wrong
it would have... As somebody
who has fallen from a height...
LAUGHTER
..gravel's not what you want.
You want a flower bed.
I wasn't in a position to
ask for the ground to be re-laid.
How did you get on?
I don't mean, "Oh, we went out
for tea and crumpets."
How did you get on his shoulders?
Up the gate.
Oh, you said you got on the gate,
stepped on his shoul...
How long were you up there for?
No more than an hour.
LAUGHTER
- An hour?
For the bird-watchers,
paint a picture of the chaffinch.
It's sort of pinky front.
Pinky front.
A browny back. Browny back.
And, you know, a beak and eyes.
LAUGHTER
So evocative. "Back to you
in the Spingwatch studio."
All right, we need an answer.
So is Neil Laura's wet workmate,
Chris's sleepover saviour,
or David's bird-watching buddy?
I have to say, first impressions
are that Neil and Chris look about
the same age. The bit that I'm
doubting is he heard the keys drop
and he's just taken something
out of his pocket.
I mean, if you drop keys, you know
you've dropped keys, surely.
There were literally thousands of
people coming out of this building,
creating noise and mayhem. There's
a lot of Savage Garden fans...
LAUGHTER
What do you think?
I think Laura's telling the truth.
You think Laura's telling the truth?
Why? The tension was there.
You think there's a tension?
Yeah, there was an awkwardness.
OK, I'll go with my team
and say Laura.
You think it's Laura.
Neil, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Neil and Chris had to stay at
mine after handing in his own keys
into lost property.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Neil is Chris's
sleepover saviour.
Thank you very much, Neil.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
It's Lee.
"For the last six months,
I've been secretly liaising
"with David's wife behind his back."
GASPING
Oh. I mean, I'm interested to know
WHAT THAT MEANS!
LAUGHTER
CHRIS: What was the reason?
To make communication with her,
we've been emailing backwards
and forwards. Look at David's face.
He looks genuinely concerned.
Why did you email?
Email is very, like, formal.
- She wouldn't answer my calls.
LAUGHTER
Fair enough, yeah.
I remember that period you
were parked outside for a few days.
This is Victoria Coren Mitchell.
Just in case people don't know.
Is it?!
I've been emailing the wrong person,
I've got to go!
So why have you been communicating
with her? I asked her a question.
And... What was the question
that you asked?
And what was, interestingly,
her answer?
OK, her actual answer was,
"Oh, come on, give me a chance."
OK.
LAUGHTER
The question was, erm,
er...it was a series of numbers
with a question mark.
Is this a quiz question?
Yes. Right, so you've sent her
a quiz question? Let's say that.
All this is, all this is, everyone,
and there's no need to think
about anything else,
it's just a question for the
sequences round of Only Connect.
Let's go with that.
Did she ask you for a question?
I slightly forced myself
into the situation by texting her,
but we... Text her or emailed her?
There was a bit of everything.
We even met up face-to-face.
That was a very awkward laugh,
David.
LAUGHTER
We had a little secret
conversation at your house.
Where was David at the time?
He was upstairs playing
Trivial Pursuit with my wife.
Well, that's what she called it.
LAUGHTER
And I said, "Can you do me a
favour, can you NOT tell David
"what's going on?"
And she said, "OK, absolutely,
no problems at all."
And I said, "And also,
don't tell him about this
question thing either..."
LAUGHTER
"..because I could use it
for Would I Lie To You?"
Right. Yes. So what do you think?
I feel like, David,
you should probably answer this more
than either of us, cos you know
Victoria quite well, I hope.
Well, I thought I did!
People do pitch questions
for Only Connect quite a bit.
I think we're going to say true.
You're saying true.
Well, Lee, truth or lie?
It is true. CHRIS: Yes!
It's true. Lee really has been
secretly liaising with Victoria.
BUZZER
Well, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that
Lee's team have two points
and David's team have three points.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Good night.
Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?
The show in which it pays to be
economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a
seven-times World Snooker Champion.
I'd play a bit more myself,
but, at my local club,
there's always a massive "cue".
It's Stephen Hendry.
APPLAUSE
Get used to that.
And a comedian who originally
trained in acting,
but I guess, unlike her fellow
graduates, she just couldn't find
any work as a barista.
It's Maisie Adam.
APPLAUSE
And, on David Mitchell's team
tonight, a TV presenter
who was discovered
during a modelling talent search.
Well, weren't we all?
It's Laura Whitmore.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who used to work in a
call centre. So if he doesn't make
you laugh, at least he can help with
your PPI. It's Chris McCausland.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
Chris, you are first up.
OK, well, I'm still blind,
neither of my PPIs work...
LAUGHTER
..so, David, would you save us
all a lot of time
and read my card out for me, please?
Yes, gladly.
"During lockdown,
I bought a pogo stick
"to use as a home-school
teaching aid."
Right, Lee's team.
OK. So, Chris,
have you got children? Just the one.
And this was for, what,
your home-schooling PE or summat?
Yes. When we did home schooling,
we split up the tasks.
I was in charge of PE and maths
and my wife was in charge
of reading and art,
for obvious reasons.
LAUGHTER
What age is your child?
During lockdown, she was six.
And do you do anything else for PE
or just pogo stick?
I'm quite a lazy guy, Lee,
so I realised that when you're on a
pogo stick and you're bouncing away,
what you're trying to do
is see how many you can do.
How many repetitions without
touching the ground? Yeah.
You have to touch the ground,
Lee, to be fair,
otherwise it's levitating,
which we still haven't mastered.
I appreciate you said it
for comic effect, Rob,
but you know exactly what I meant.
Well, what I tried to do is
I realised that "how many" is
also what you do often in maths
and I could consolidate all of my
teaching efforts into one tidy
little package of minimal effort.
So I invented pogo maths. OK.
And you just shout out some sums
and they have to bounce out
the answers.
But are they experienced in pogo
sticking? Cos it's quite hard.
Well, I mean, it does help
if you can use a pogo stick first,
so you have to get over that hurdle.
You have to get over
a hurdle as well?
I appreciate you said
that for comic effect...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We have a pogo stick. Yeah. Well,
it's Chris's card, make him do it.
LAUGHTER
I don't think the BBC's got
enough money to cover
the insurance on this! Don't worry,
I've got this covered, Chris.
Like the card,
let David do it for you.
LAUGHTER
There is a pogo stick behind you,
I believe. Oh, my gosh. There it is.
Don't do it there. And make sure
you're two metres away from me.
Right. Down you go. Now, Chris...
Hang on, let me have
a practice go first.
He's not doing it, Chris.
This is going really well, Chris.
LAUGHTER
Dead easy.
Are you ready? Yes.
What is... 8 minus 5? OK.
The problem I've got now is, if I
bounce and fall off after, say, two,
you don't know if I'm bad at pogo
or bad at maths.
LAUGHTER
All right, here we go.
One, two, three.
CHEERING
This is good because you've gotta
get them all right
- if you want any dinner tonight.
LAUGHTER
Shall we just see how many I can do?
Yeah, let's see how many you can do.
I'll try and jump up onto there,
how about that?
"Don't do it, Lee, don't do it!"
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven - oh!
APPLAUSE
I've got no idea what's going on.
So, having experienced it... Yes.
..do you think he's telling
the truth? What do we think?
I didn't know
they still did pogo sticks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes.
Imagine how hard you could hit
the ball with a spring-mounted
snooker cue. That's a good point.
So what are you thinking
about this story?
The more I think about it,
the more I think it WOULDN'T work
because the white ball's going
to spin back...
LAUGHTER
No, no, we're talking now about the
maths and the pogo. Right, gotcha.
You reckon it's true? I think
it's true that Chris is lazy.
I'm not really blind,
it just gets me out of doing things.
Listen, tell me about it, mate,
I do it all the time meself.
How do you think I park
so close to Sainsbury's?
LAUGHTER
I think he's lying. You think he's
lying. I think he's lying as well.
You think he's lying. Well, we'll go
with my team and say he's lying. OK.
Saying it's a lie. So, Chris,
maths on the pogo stick -
was it true or was it a lie?
Pogo maths, copyright
Chris McCausland 2020.
True.
Oh! Sorry.
Yes, it's true, Chris did use a pogo
stick to teach his daughter maths.
Stephen, you're next.
"Before every
World Championship final,
"I used to give a motivational team
talk to my snooker cue,
"or as I called him, Sir Potsalot."
LAUGHTER
David's team. I hope that's true,
I just hope it's true!
Could you give us a flavour
of the motivational talk you'd give
Sir Potsalot?
I used to put him in sort of
the corner of the dressing room...
Stephen, I don't want to interrupt
your flow, but if you are
going to... Oh, God, he's not
looking for drugs again, is he?
LAUGHTER
This - and it's not just any cue -
this is a cue signed by one of
the greatest snooker players
of all time.
Ronnie O'Sullivan.
LAUGHTER
Why don't you recreate
the motivational talk?
You're in the dressing room, ready
to go out, you've done your practice
and it's just, come on,
it's me and you today.
You and I get to the table,
we're just going to pot every ball,
we're going to clear up and win
the frame. Come on, Sir Potsalot.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I feel motivated.
Stephen, I'm buying into this,
but, if you were playing
and it wasn't going that well
and you came up in for the break,
would you give it
a stern talking to?
I would sometimes come in and say,
"What are you doing?"
You know, cos obviously
it's nothing to do with me.
Be great if the cue went, "What am
I doing? What are YOU doing?"
When did you first acquire
Sir Potsalot?
14.
You were 14 years old? Yeah.
And it got actually broken
later on in my career. I was coming
back from Thailand. Yes.
We couldn't take
the cues on board after 9/11
so we had to put them
in the luggage.
That's the problem with 9/11, the
cues got a lot worse, didn't they?
LAUGHTER
- Very good.
Chris, are you a snooker fan?
You seem to know the lingo.
I haven't always been blind,
so I used to watch it
and then I played it as well
until my eyesight got worse,
so I had to reduce
meself down to a pool table
and, then, you know,
and then draughts.
LAUGHTER
I do believe it's true, because
I think it's the kind of thing
that successful sportsmen do.
They have these little quirks
and it's what makes them amazing
and Stephen was amazing. Thank you.
Laura. Yes. What do you think?
I think it's true, because,
when you speak about Sir Potsalot,
your eyes light up and you're
so enthusiastic and excited.
So, for that alone, I just feel like
no-one else could get that excited
about a stick. So I think it's true
because of that.
I must admit,
I'm pretty lost without my stick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'll give it a talking to.
"We need to get to the bank today.
"Are you feeling up to your game?"
Have you given your stick a name,
though? Sir Findsalot.
LAUGHTER
David, what about you? When did you
name your cue Sir Potsalot?
It was a name, actually,
my granny gave it, so...
I have to say, if this is a lie,
I'm going to totally re-evaluate you
- as a human being.
LAUGHTER
I can believe that, firstly, in
high-pressure sporting situations,
there's going to be a certain
amount of superstition.
You want to do the same thing again
and again and again.
That's why I never wear trousers
for this show.
There's a clash between
the triviality of Sir Potsalot
and the seriousness of the pep talk,
and, yet, the story about
the grandmother giving the name.
Oh, yes, that makes sense of it,
doesn't it?
Of course, there'll be something
lovable in that very triviality,
because of the family link.
So it's either true
or it is a diabolical lie.
LAUGHTER
David's been under
a lot of pressure recently.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to take a risk on true.
If only, one more time,
I'm going to believe.
You're going to dare to dream.
Yeah. All right, Stephen Hendry,
were you telling us
the truth about Sir Potsalot
or were you telling us a lie?
It was a diabolical lie.
Oh, no!
Ah, there it goes.
There it goes, the last glimmer
of faith in humanity.
Flushed down the toilet.
Yes, it's a lie, Stephen didn't
give motivational team talks
to his snooker cue.
Maisie, you're next.
"Once,
while trying to impress a date,
"I landed flat on my back
in a flower bed."
David's team. What were you doing
to try and be impressive?
It was actually leaving the date.
I accidentally
left from a great height.
When you said that, I thought,
like, being on your back was what
you were doing to impress them.
No, I'm not that kind of girl,
Laura. OK!
Laura, everything isn't Love Island.
I'm confused as to where I am.
Laura, you say you're confused
about where you are.
Just look to your left, you know
you're not on Love Island.
LAUGHTER
Oh, harsh.
Now, tell me,
Maisie, where did this happen?
This was in New Zealand.
New Zealand? Yeah.
I got to know a guy out there
and he asked if I wanted to go back
and see his record collection.
Behave! Behave!
LAUGHTER
We got talking about music
and we went back to his house
to listen to records, but he tried
to play guitar along to the records.
He sounds like an awful human being.
So I decided,
"I'm going to head off now."
Was that the difference
between fancying him and not,
the fact that he got the guitar out?
When he played guitar along
to the record. You would not like
to go round to his house.
So I called a taxi and sat...
I was perched on the window
with the window open
and I thought, it's arrived,
it's outside,
and I went,
"Thanks very much, see you later,"
and, because I thought we were on
the ground floor, I thought I'd just
swing my legs over the window
and run across the lawn.
Which floor were you on, Maisie?
The 18th floor!
You forgot the 19 minutes
going up in a lift.
One floor up?
One floor but I just forgot that,
we'd been chatting a while...
You'd climbed the steps
in a state of high arousal
and therefore forgotten about them.
Is that right?
You should write erotica.
Who's to say I don't?
I have many names online.
LAUGHTER
50 Shirts Of Grey.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So I got a text saying,
"Your Uber's outside."
I said, "See you later, then,"
and sort of twirled round
and, at that moment, I clocked
it was not on the ground floor.
You fell an entire storey?
Or she made up a whole story.
What happens once you leave the
window ledge and you're in the air?
I just remember landing on the small
of my back because I was so winded,
I couldn't speak, and he appeared
out of the window and was like,
BAD NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "Oh, blimey,
why'd you jump out the window?"
- Now again in a New Zealand accent.
LAUGHTER
And, so, then I had to commando
crawl across the garden with him
watching from above.
Was he still playing the guitar?
LAUGHTER
What was the taxi driver doing?
He must have seen this.
He didn't do anything. He just
wound down the window and was like,
BAD NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "Just
so you know, the meter's running."
All right, David's team,
what are you thinking?
The mechanics of the situation
doesn't add up for me so - lie.
Laura? I just don't know why
you didn't land in your face.
I don't get why you landed
on your back. And that is the reason
why I think it's a lie.
You see, I think it's true. Do you?
Interesting. But if my team-mates
say it's a lie, we'll go lie.
Maisie, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?
That was...
..true.
LAURA: Well done.
It's true. Maisie did land in a
flower bed trying to impress a date.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Neil.
APPLAUSE
So, Laura, what is Neil to you?
This is Neil and he's
the health and safety officer
who I mistakenly pushed in the pool
at the Love Island wrap party.
Right, Laura's wet workmate.
Chris, how do you know Neil?
This is Neil and I was once forced
to stay at his house
because I'd handed my own keys
in to a lost property office.
Chris's sleepover saviour.
And, finally, David, tell us
about your relationship with Neil.
David? Look at him.
You have never met that man
in your life.
LAUGHTER
On the contrary,
this is Neil
and I once sat on his shoulders
to get a better look
at a fat chaffinch.
LAUGHTER
So there we have it.
Lee, where do you want to start?
Laura. Yes. When was this?
Back in February. Cape Town.
Why is there a health and safety guy
particularly on Love Island?
Was he giving out condoms?
Believe me, we need health and
safety on Love Island,
but I actually had never met
Neil before.
I thought he was someone else.
Who did you think he was?
I thought he was Cliff.
Who's Cliff? Cliff was my driver.
Oh, you deliberately pushed Cliff...
Yeah. ..but it's not Cliff, it's
Neil. Yeah, well, Cliff is a big guy
and he's got tattoos
and he was wearing all black
cos everyone was wearing,
like, black T-shirts and stuff
if they were crew. Yes.
And, over the course of six weeks,
we were pranking each other.
As you do. So, like,
one day he gave me...
Chlamydia?
LAUGHTER
DAVID: That's a hell of a prank.
Silly things, like put
chilli in your coffee and stuff.
This is your driver Cliff? Yeah,
but, like, he became your pal,
cos, when you're over there,
you don't know many people.
So you see who you think is Cliff...
Well, Cliff is a tall guy
with tattoos.
Yeah. And you think,
"I want to see Cliff..."
He was at the very edge and
he was talking to one of the girls.
So I thought it would be quite funny
to... So how does Neil react?
Well, he was quite wet,
so I didn't really see him.
I just saw when I turned
around...and the other
side of the pool, I saw Cliff.
Oh. Oh, no.
Did he take it well or was he...?
Um... I mean, he looks like
he's still in a bit of a mood
with you.
I don't remember there being
laughing. So it was a bit tense?
It was a bit tense, yeah.
And this is the first time
you've seen him since?
I wrote him an email.
I can't even remember what it said,
but it was very brief.
And it's actually quite awkward now.
LAUGHTER
How much of Love Island have you
watched, David? I mean, is it...
HE STUMBLES
LAUGHTER
I'm so sorry, what?
I haven't seen that much of it. No.
How much of it have you seen? It's
an embarrassing question to answer
in the context of one
of the programme makers, isn't it?
I think, on some level,
you know that.
LAUGHTER
All right, well, that's Laura.
Who would you like to quiz next?
OK, Chris. Sorry,
could you remind us again, Chris?
This is Neil and I was once forced
to stay at his house,
because I'd handed my own keys
into a lost property office.
Whereabouts is the house?
I live in the leafy royal borough
of Kingston upon Thames. OK.
So, which lost property office
did you hand the keys to?
The Roundhouse music venue
in London.
So where did you find these keys?
Well, they were my keys.
So they were in your pocket? Yes.
We'd been to the concert. Who were
you seeing? Who were you watching?
The late, great Chris Cornell, who's
sadly no longer with us. Ah, yes.
Are you familiar with his work,
David? No.
LAUGHTER
Do you know his work
with Savage Garden?
Now you've said some other words
in an order. Savage Garden?
What are they called? Soundgarden.
Soundgarden. What? Soundgarden.
Soundgarden. Yeah...
Yeah, Soundgarden!
LAUGHTER
LEE: That is just brilliant.
It's like watching two people
on Last Of The Summer Wine
debating grime.
LAUGHTER
Who had you gone to the gig with?
I went to the gig with Neil.
Neil's a friend of mine. How
do you know Neil? From childhood.
Oh, so is he from Liverpool as well?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does he live in Kingston? Yes.
So, coincidentally, two friends
from Liverpool grew up together,
now live near each other,
miles away in Kingston.
Well, I wouldn't say coincidentally,
I mean, we kind of...
We moved to the same place
as each other.
OK. So talk us through
the key mix up incident.
So I pulled out a tissue
out my pocket
and I heard a set of keys land
on the floor. And I thought,
"Ooh, hello, hello, hello -
someone's dropped some keys there."
I picked the keys up and I didn't
recognise them as my own keys.
Why, what do your keys have on 'em?
A fob or something?
What had happened is I'd put a new
key ring on them earlier that day.
And I just didn't recognise them...
That's the new key.
What was the new key ring? It was
a heavy-duty Harley-Davidson...
A whole-sized bike?
LAUGHTER
So I held them up in the air
and shouted, "Has anybody lost
any keys?"
And nobody answered. How come you
didn't check yourself first?
Because I didn't recognise them
as my keys! But did you not think
to check your pockets to see
if you had your keys on you?
Would you check your pockets
for your keys if you found keys
that you didn't think were yours?
I would have thought the first thing
to do is have a feel to see
if your keys are in your pocket.
If you owned a red phone and you
found a blue phone on the floor,
would you check your pocket to see
if you still had your red phone?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's a fair point,
that's a fair point.
So nobody claimed ownership of them
and so I asked Neil,
"Can you go and hand
these in at the lost property?
"Cos somebody's dropped them."
Yeah. Right.
And then I went home. Right.
So I get dropped off and then
I'm having a rummage and I'm, like,
"I don't know where me keys are.
I've lost me keys. That's a bit
"funny, isn't it, on the same day
that I found somebody else's..."
"I see what's happened here."
And then I had to phone Neil
and ask him to come back and get me.
What colour was the phone?
LAUGHTER
It's a lovely image, isn't it, those
two up north in Liverpool going,
"One day, I'm going to move away
to London."
And the other one going,
"Can I come?"
LAUGHTER
"Course you can, Neil.
You can look after the keys
"and I'll buy us
a lovely big house."
All right. What about David?
You sat on his shoulders?
Yeah, remind us of this claim.
Yes, I once sat on his shoulders
to get a better view of
a fat chaffinch.
Is there a breed called
the fat chaffinch?
No, this was a rotund example
of the common or garden chaffinch.
What did you have to...look over?
It was sort of up in a tree.
And Neil was keen for me
to get a good look at it. Why?
Because I'd expressed
an interest in birds.
He said, "There's a lovely,
interesting, quite fat chaffinch
"in this tree," and I sort of went,
"Oh, yes, I can..."
But Neil felt I could get a better
look at it and he was right.
I didn't get a perfect view, I had a
sort of sense of a bit of wing tip
coming over the side of the, um...
I can see it now.
LAUGHTER
..nest, and...
Neil is literally stood there going,
"Thank God I don't really
know this man."
I sort of climbed up... There was
a bit of a gate there. Right.
And I climbed up a bit... Can I just
interrupt you a second, David?
Let's just get to the
nub of the issue. Please.
How the hell do you know him?
Because...I was staying
with my family in a holiday cottage
in Cornwall, let's say...
Yes, Cornwall.
And he lived in a nearby cottage
and one morning...
One morning, he said, "Hello, young
David, who I've never met before.
"Have you ever seen a chaffinch?"
How old were you?
It was last year, so I was...
Last year,
you got on his shoulders?!
LAUGHTER
I just assumed it
was from your childhood.
No, no, no, no. This is current me
and what I am asking you to believe
is that Neil is strong enough
to bear the weight of me
for a few brief moments
while I enjoy the miracle of nature.
LAUGHTER
But why's he there? He lives near
there and he happened to be there.
Just happened to be in the garden? I
don't know. He happened to be there.
For all I know,
he'd been waiting there all night.
But I assumed
we'd just encountered each other.
Is this in the back garden?
No, a little gravelly area
outside both cottages.
Casual chat.
"Lovely to be here." And he says,
"There's an interesting
fat chaffinch."
Let's not forget you said you were
on gravel, so if this went wrong
it would have... As somebody
who has fallen from a height...
LAUGHTER
..gravel's not what you want.
You want a flower bed.
I wasn't in a position to
ask for the ground to be re-laid.
How did you get on?
I don't mean, "Oh, we went out
for tea and crumpets."
How did you get on his shoulders?
Up the gate.
Oh, you said you got on the gate,
stepped on his shoul...
How long were you up there for?
No more than an hour.
LAUGHTER
- An hour?
For the bird-watchers,
paint a picture of the chaffinch.
It's sort of pinky front.
Pinky front.
A browny back. Browny back.
And, you know, a beak and eyes.
LAUGHTER
So evocative. "Back to you
in the Spingwatch studio."
All right, we need an answer.
So is Neil Laura's wet workmate,
Chris's sleepover saviour,
or David's bird-watching buddy?
I have to say, first impressions
are that Neil and Chris look about
the same age. The bit that I'm
doubting is he heard the keys drop
and he's just taken something
out of his pocket.
I mean, if you drop keys, you know
you've dropped keys, surely.
There were literally thousands of
people coming out of this building,
creating noise and mayhem. There's
a lot of Savage Garden fans...
LAUGHTER
What do you think?
I think Laura's telling the truth.
You think Laura's telling the truth?
Why? The tension was there.
You think there's a tension?
Yeah, there was an awkwardness.
OK, I'll go with my team
and say Laura.
You think it's Laura.
Neil, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Neil and Chris had to stay at
mine after handing in his own keys
into lost property.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Neil is Chris's
sleepover saviour.
Thank you very much, Neil.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
It's Lee.
"For the last six months,
I've been secretly liaising
"with David's wife behind his back."
GASPING
Oh. I mean, I'm interested to know
WHAT THAT MEANS!
LAUGHTER
CHRIS: What was the reason?
To make communication with her,
we've been emailing backwards
and forwards. Look at David's face.
He looks genuinely concerned.
Why did you email?
Email is very, like, formal.
- She wouldn't answer my calls.
LAUGHTER
Fair enough, yeah.
I remember that period you
were parked outside for a few days.
This is Victoria Coren Mitchell.
Just in case people don't know.
Is it?!
I've been emailing the wrong person,
I've got to go!
So why have you been communicating
with her? I asked her a question.
And... What was the question
that you asked?
And what was, interestingly,
her answer?
OK, her actual answer was,
"Oh, come on, give me a chance."
OK.
LAUGHTER
The question was, erm,
er...it was a series of numbers
with a question mark.
Is this a quiz question?
Yes. Right, so you've sent her
a quiz question? Let's say that.
All this is, all this is, everyone,
and there's no need to think
about anything else,
it's just a question for the
sequences round of Only Connect.
Let's go with that.
Did she ask you for a question?
I slightly forced myself
into the situation by texting her,
but we... Text her or emailed her?
There was a bit of everything.
We even met up face-to-face.
That was a very awkward laugh,
David.
LAUGHTER
We had a little secret
conversation at your house.
Where was David at the time?
He was upstairs playing
Trivial Pursuit with my wife.
Well, that's what she called it.
LAUGHTER
And I said, "Can you do me a
favour, can you NOT tell David
"what's going on?"
And she said, "OK, absolutely,
no problems at all."
And I said, "And also,
don't tell him about this
question thing either..."
LAUGHTER
"..because I could use it
for Would I Lie To You?"
Right. Yes. So what do you think?
I feel like, David,
you should probably answer this more
than either of us, cos you know
Victoria quite well, I hope.
Well, I thought I did!
People do pitch questions
for Only Connect quite a bit.
I think we're going to say true.
You're saying true.
Well, Lee, truth or lie?
It is true. CHRIS: Yes!
It's true. Lee really has been
secretly liaising with Victoria.
BUZZER
Well, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that
Lee's team have two points
and David's team have three points.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Good night.