Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 13, Episode 9 - Episode #13.8 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I
Lie To You? - the show that

separates fact from fiction.

On Lee Mack's team tonight -

it's the comedian who's as talented
and drop dead sexy as he is

adept at hacking into autocue
machines.

It's James Acaster!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, thank you, Rob.

And a professional dancer
from Strictly Come Dancing.

She's happily married.



She's recently divorced.

We'll edit that nearer the time.

It's Oti Mabuse.

APPLAUSE

And, on David Mitchell's team
tonight, star of First Dates and

one of France's finest maitre ds.

I asked him what the soup de jour
was and he replied,

"Soup of the day."
It's Fred Sirieix.

APPLAUSE

And an actress and reality star
from Love Island.

It's like Big Brother,

but, instead of a diary room,
they have a swimming pool

full of disinfectant.
It's Dani Dyer.

We'll begin with Round One, Home
Truths, where our panellists read



out a statement from the card in
front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

And Dani is first tonight.

Oh!

"I once thought a slug was trying
to send me a message."

Lee's team. Hang on.

Like a snail, slug's a snail.
Like a homeless snail?

Snail without a shell.

What do you call them in South
Africa? They're like so big.

A shell-less snail.
A shell-less snail? Yeah.

Are you winding me up? Cos if I
go to South Africa and say that.

If I go, "Hey, look, there's one of
those shell-less snails."

They go, "I think it's
called a slug."

Definitely a shell-less snail.

What was the message?

So I just thought slugs
were like a bad aura.

I come home one night and there was
just a slug in the middle

of my living room and I didn't know
how he got there.

Is it carpeted, your living room?
Yes, it's carpeted.

But I've never seen a slug before,
in my house. Right.

I've come home, after a few hours,

and he was just sitting in the
middle of the living room.

But why do you think he was
trying...? When you say "sitting"...

LAUGHTER

Honestly, he was looking at me.

What was the message he was trying
to give you? The message?

You said he was trying to give
you a message.

Because I sort of Googled it.

Right. What did it say?

It just said, well, certain things,
you know, are like a bad aura.

The slug had a Google page?

No.

There's a lot things on Google.

Oh, you don't have to tell me.

Yeah. I've had Google printed out
and I'm working my way through it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

When you say it was a bad aura, do
you mean aura or do you mean omen?

Well, bad omen. Omen III
was a bad omen, wasn't it?

I and II were pretty good.

What did you...? Cos, like, if
you just Googled slugs...

Yeah. ..it's not going to come
up they're a bad omen.

So what did you Google?

I literally typed in, "Slug in my
living room - what does it mean?"

As opposed to the other one,
"There's a rat in my kitchen,
what am I going to do?"

Listen, I was on my own. I was
scared. I didn't know what to do.

Right. Yeah. And you thought,

you didn't want to run cos
he might chase you.

Why was that your first question,
though? It is an unusual question.

Yeah. You didn't know what to do.
"There's a slug in my living room.

"I don't know what to do."

But your first thought is,
"What does this mean?"

Yeah, what does this mean? You
mentioned, Dani, earlier, you
said...

I think I'm right in saying you said
the slug was looking you in the eye.

Yeah. Yeah. As I walked through the
little hallway...

Yes. ..he was directly opposite me.

Oh! Hang on, hang on.
Do slugs have eyes?

No, they're...
They're the eyes, aren't they?

I think they are.

So those bits were looking at you?
Yeah.

How did you know? I mean, did they
literally, were they doing that and

you walked in and they went...?

Good evening.

Do you have any other superstitions,
other than the slug?

Anything, like, walking under a
ladder. Walking over three drains.

Three drains? You know, the three
drains?

I've not heard that one.
The three drains?

Apparently, like, if you walk over
three drains,

someone's meant to touch you and
you're meant to spit.
But that's... What?!

How long are you allowed...?

I mean, at some point,
if you walk over one drain

and then another drain...

Yeah. When does it reset?

Three drains in a row! It's just
got to be drain, drain, drain.

Yes, drain, drain, drain.
Drain, drain, cup of tea...

No, no. ..you're back to...
No. Oh, great. All right.

Well, I mean, it's, it's serious
stuff.

Yeah. Was it raining and you had a
window open? No.

So how did it get in? It was...

I don't know how it got in. That's
what I mean - what does it mean?

LAUGHTER

OK, let's not go round again.

Oti, is she telling the truth?

Don't know.

You think it could be true?

Yeah, but don't listen to me.

Ah! I think it's true.

You think it's true? Mm.
I'm saying true.

I genuinely don't care if it's true
or a lie.

She's won me over.
I wonder, what did it mean?

So, Lee, what are you going to say?

I'll go with my team and say
it's true. You say it's true? Mm.

OK, Dani,

the slug in the living room -
was it the truth or was it a lie?

It was the truth.

Yes! Well done.

Yes, it's true.

Dani did think a slug
was trying to send her a message.

James, you're next.

I once had to break into my own flat
halfway through a haircut.

David.

Interesting. So...

Well, tell us the scenario.

I was having a haircut.

Where were you having a haircut?

On my door, on the doorstep
of my flat.

Now, that's an unusual location.
Do you know why?

Because he didn't want to clean
the hair that was on the floor

in the flat, so he's outside,
just to push it on the step.

I can understand why you might...

The more work you can do for me,
Fred... Thank you very much.

Yes, that's why. Why weren't you in
a hairdresser's or barber shop?

Do you want to take this one, Fred?

Didn't have much money at the time

and my flatmate was pretty sure
that she could cut my hair.

She was pretty confident.

Why be outside?

Because, if you do it inside,
you've got to sweep up all the hair.

It's too messy. We thought, if we
did it outside,
we wouldn't have to...

Where was the plug?

Huh? Was there a plug outside?

Was it clippers, scissors?

Oh, it was scissors -
that's all we had.

It was an acoustic, as it were.

Yeah. It was an acoustic
haircut. Yeah. Unplugged session.

What was the haircut?

Well, it was meant to be something
close to this, but it got

interrupted halfway through.

So it ended up that it was short at
the front, short at the back and

kind of like that at the side,

like quite long.

Like someone took a mullet and went
like that. Yeah.

So she wasn't trained as a
hairdresser?

In no way, shape or form.

And you did not mind that
she was going to cut your hair?

It was an adventure.

Where you 'igh? Was I..?

High.

No, we're on the bottom of the flat.

I loved that. Thank you very much.

They don't respect this kind of
stuff, but I do.

Now, you said that you were
interrupted.

What was the interruption?

Oh, well, we realised that we'd
locked ourself out the flat

because a cat wanted to get in
the front door.

Asked each other,
"You got your keys?"

Ah!

Neither of us had brought our keys
out.

Was it your cat? No, it wasn't our
cat.

It was just a cat,
wanted to get in the door,

and we weren't going to
be like, "Who're you visiting?"

So this is not the door to your
flat, this is a door
to the block of flats?

Yeah, we were outside, like outside
outside.

So which floor did you live in?
I think we're the third floor.

So how did you get up there?

We asked some builders for a ladder.

I asked them first and they said no,

and then my friend asked
them and they said yes.

And at the time I was all
like, I was a bit stupid

and I was like, "They're just
letting you cos you're a girl."

And then she pointed out, "You've
got half a haircut and no shoes on."

Did you consider, when you've
noticed you've been locked out...

Yeah. ..did you consider finishing
the haircut before trying

to get back in? I had to be in
central London quite soon for a gig,

and my wallet
and everything was in the flat.

I wouldn't be able to travel there,
so I needed to act now.

I couldn't finish the haircut.

Luckily, I'm a comic

and I'm allowed to look silly.

All right. What are you thinking?

I don't think so. Why would
you get somebody

to cut your hair with scissors?

I mean, if it was clippers
and you had a haircut
like me, I'd understand.

But with scissors...
I mean, it's got to be a lie.

My team think it's a lie -

I can see why they think
it's a lie -

and so... You're happy to go with
lie? We're happy to go with lie.

OK. James, were you telling
the truth or was it a lie?

I was telling the truth.

Oh, no! No.

It's true. James did break into his
own flat

halfway through a haircut and we
have a picture of the haircut.

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panellists. This week,

each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest.

It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Jake.

APPLAUSE

So, Oti, what is Jake to you?

This is Jake

and, on the German version
of Strictly,

I knocked his tooth out
with a high kick.

So, Oti's damaged dancer.

James, how do you know Jake?

This is Jake. When he split up
with his girlfriend,

everyone blamed me instead of him.

Right. James's break-up
buddy. And finally, Lee,

what is your relationship with Jake?

This is Jake. I once knocked him
into a grave with a Frisbee.

So there we have it.

Oti's damaged dancer,

James's break-up buddy or Lee's
Frisbeed friend.

David's team, where to begin?

OK. So why were you on German
Strictly?

Oh, so I live in Germany and that's
where the UK version found me.

And Jake was your...?

He was the celebrity.
What does he do?

He's a weatherman.
He's a weatherman. Wetterman.

LAUGHTER

What is he? Wetterman.

He's a German weatherman.

But he's very talented because he's
a weatherman.

I mean, this is difficult to do.

LEE: Well, is it?

And also he can dance.
I have a lot of admiration for the
weathermen and weatherwomen, yeah.

That's cos all you're doing is
showing people to tables,

it probably looks really skilful!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How good a dancer was he?

Cos, on Strictly, you often have
people that aren't very good.

We made it up to week nine.
That's not bad.

No, in German that's zero,
so it means week zero. No, no, no!

LAUGHTER

Nein means no. It's close enough,
Rob, it's close enough as a joke!

Nein does not mean zero.
It means week no, OK?

Just let it go! No, because
the joke doesn't work.

Well, I think you'll find that all
us lot disagree.

CHEERING

So what happened? You said you hit
him?

Yes. So this was during a live show,
right?

And the worst part
is that was the end of the number,

so you have to go there and
stand by the judges.

No, no. The worst part is you
knocked his tooth out!

Typical dancer mentality -

"And the worst thing is we got
judged terribly."

Did you get through to the next
week?

Yes!

Germany, they vote. Germany have
got a terrible history for voting

for the wrong person, don't they?

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Why is that an "ooh"? Surely you
would agree with that?

Why's that contentious?
Is that a room-splitter?

Yeah. "Oh, no, we liked
Adolf Hitler."

LAUGHTER

Erm... Are you all right?

Yeah. I'm just contemplating the
rise of Fascism.

Wow! What about James?

James, what's the scenario?

This is Jake and, when he split with
his girlfriend, everyone blamed me

instead of him. Why?

Because I had to deliver the news.

What do you mean? I had to...
We wrote a letter together.

We were like 15

and it was Jake's first girlfriend

and he hadn't got experience of how
to break up with people

and, to be fair, I'd even less.

And we decided, he's like, "I've got
to break up with her

"and I don't know how to do it."

Why's he got to break up with her?

They weren't really clicking, they
didn't have much chemistry. Right.

Er...

Did you write it together?

Yeah, we wrote it together
in a field.

Do you remember that letter at all?

It was, I remember it started
off with, "Dear Yvonne,

"this is the hardest letter
I've ever had to write."

Why were you in a field?

We went for...
We liked to go for a lot of walks,

me and Jake.
I can see what's happening here.

Am I the only one that knows what's
happening here?

Why didn't he write it on his own?
Why you?

Cos I think he was worried
he would say the wrong thing,

and so we tried to like...
So he wanted to make sure?

Yeah. It's like,
maybe we can work on it together.

OK. And we sat down in the field
and wrote this letter.

And can you remember more
of the text?

I think, I know that it didn't
really drop the bombshell until

a little bit in cos I remember, when
I gave it to her, to begin with,

she was very excited to receive
a letter from Jake.

Oh! And then she was going
through...

Did you stand there while she was
reading the letter? Yeah.

You stood there? Well, I...
She was in my form.

Yes. So I'd to go over to her
table and go, "This is from Jake."

She was like, "Oh!
Jake's given me a letter."

And then all the girls at the table
were like, "Yes!"

Oh! Oh, no!

Why did you give it to her in front
of other people? That's awful.

I was 15 years old.
You're a grown man.

Did she look at you like, did she
blame it on you straight away?

Yeah. As soon as they all got to
that bit, they all looked at me

like, oh, and were really furious
with me and really angry.

Right. I see. Yeah. And Jake was,

I mean, Jake's a wild boy -

they kind of expected it from him.

LAUGHTER

When you say...

When you say "wild",

what exactly do you mean?

He went through a phase

when he used to jump in the school
long jump pit naked.

LAUGHTER

He played Mr Hyde in a play
and licked a girl's face.

LAUGHTER

I was in a band with him.

Really? He was a keyboard player,
but he couldn't play keyboard

so he turned it all the way down.

Then we chucked him out the band
and he smashed his keyboard up in
the woods.

He really is a wild man.

All right. Now, what about Lee?

So, Lee, what's this grave Frisbee
situation? Just remind us, Lee.

This is Jake and I once knocked him
into a grave with a Frisbee.

So how did that happen?

Well, there was a Frisbee and it hit
him and he fell in the grave.

OK. I mean, what more do you need to
know, David?

Were you in a cemetery?

Was I...? I was just on the edge
of a cemetery.

I was on the other side of a wall
of a cemetery.

Mm-hm. And so what were you playing,
with a friend, kids or...?

Yeah, I find Frisbee on me own quite
hard.

I know what you're thinking of,
you're thinking of this is Jake

and I once hit him with a boomerang
and he fell into a grave.

So who were you playing Frisbee
with?

With my son.

And how high was the wall
of this cemetery?

It was about, it's quite low,
about three foot, four foot.

It's a very, very low wall.
In French.

No, it was in the countryside,
in England.

No, three foot, four foot is what
in French? I don't know.

FRENCH ACCENT: It is there -
four foot.

No, sorry. It's four foot, huh.

What was he doing in a cemetery?
What was he doing?

Yeah. He was actually
the gravedigger.

Look at his face -
of course I'm telling the truth.

I say gravedigger,
I mean bodysnatcher.

Why were you... why were you there?

Were you on holiday?

I just was having a day out to some
church my wife wanted to see,

so my wife and my son and me...

..we went off.

We went off to the...

We went off to a field,
had a look at a church.

My wife loves a church.
She's had a look at the church.

Me and my son are not interested in
churches. Are you all right there?

I said, "Well, me and you..."

We always take a Frisbee because
everywhere she goes and looks at,

we often on Oxford Street, when
she's shopping.

So how did she find out
about that particular church?

She went on Google when she was
looking about slugs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So how did he fall in the grave?
Because he was looking at his hole,

the hole he'd just dug and
obviously just finished.

He was very proud - it's a
six-foot hole.

It takes a long time to dig
a six-foot hole.

Trust me, I know, I've buried a few.

He's looking down, thinking,
"That's... I've finally finished."

But, as luck would have it, my son
missed it, went over his head,

hit him on the back of the knee,
oh, and he's gone straight in.

OK. How did you know he fell
into the grave?

How do I know he fell in the grave?

Because there's a fella stood there
and then he wasn't!

All right. We need an answer.

So, David's team, is Jake Oti's
damaged dancer,

James's break-up buddy,
or Lee's Frisbeed friend?

I don't buy the dancing,

but I think James's story
is very plausible

and they look alike anyway.

That's not a rule!

They're not claiming to be brothers,
they're claiming to be friends.

Well, you have to have a reason.
That's my reason. Yeah.

What are you thinking, Dani? James.

I really believed his story.

David? Yeah, I think probably James.

OK. There's no doubt within your
team, David. There's no doubt.

We think we know,

which is absurd because, of course,
we don't.

Jake, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Jake and James helped me
break up with my girlfriend.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Jake is James's break-up buddy.

Thank you very much, Jake.

CHEERING

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

..it's David.

Last winter, I watched in horror
as the tube train doors trapped

the pom-pom of my bubble hat

and carried it off into the darkness
of the Underground.

Lee's team. So you were getting on
the Tube or...?

How did it...? Tell us more.

Well, the, erm, the tube...
I'll rephrase that.

Tell us anything you can think of.
OK, fine.

The London tube network opened
in the 1860s...

All right, I'll rephrase that.

LAUGHTER
Specifically about this story.

Yeah, I was trying to get
on a train,

I was late,
and I always run head forwards.

LEE LAUGHS
Of course you do.

Because it's the most aerodynamic
way. Yes.

I didn't want to miss this train
because there was, I'd have to wait

two minutes for the next one,

so I was willing to take
any sort of risk.

Which door were you going
to run through?

The double doors? I...

The living room door.

It was a double door, you know?
Right.

I enjoyed him in Harry Potter.

Double door, Dumbledore.

Oh, I see. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

I'm there for you, Rob. I'm
there for backup. Thank you.

I thought I was having a stroke.

Now talk us through what happened.
It's now trapped.

Yeah, the hat's trapped. I,
because the doors are shut,

I perhaps foolishly or perhaps
sensibly, you be the judge,

I have to say what it is first.

Erm...

I-I sort of recoil... Yeah.

..and that removes the hat.

And then I go, "Hah!" There's the
hat, hanging there.

And... And I thought, at that
point,

"There's no point
putting my head back in."

David, I've got a bobble hat down
here.

Oh, may I keep it?

Would you like to put it on... Yes.

..and try and re-enact for us...?

Let's see you run.

OK. OK.

They'll have to redo my hair after
this.

That'll be an hour of your lives
you're not getting back.

Right. OK. These are my doors.

Yeah. OK?

How fast are you going to run at me?

Slower than you think.

OK. OK.

Yeah. Ready?

You will be able to see me coming.

Did you just...?
Did you just wink at me?

Yes, I did.

Are you flirting with me?

I've never really known what
flirting is, but let's see

what happens and then we'll know.

Train's going to go now.
All the passengers are on board.

Please stand clear of the doors.

MIMICKING OF WARNING BLEEPS
Hang on! What, what?!

It's my only speaking bit.

Will you cue me when you finish
your monologue? Yes!

I'll wink at you.

Stand clear of the doors,
stand clear.

Obviously, in reality, I was
hurrying down the escalator.

I wouldn't like people to
think that... There!

There's stairs there.

That's, that's not
how the underground works!

Stand clear of the doors,
stand clear of the doors.

HE MIMICS DOORS

Yeah! You've missed it!

APPLAUSE

It's gone!

Try again. Again, again.

The next one.

Stand clear of the doors.

The doors are closing.

Stand clear of the doors.

The doors are closing!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes? Exactly.

APPLAUSE

Lee's team, is it true?

No. David seemed to really have to
make a lot of effort there to try

and get through the tube doors.

Do you think David would run for the
tube headfirst?

No, I don't think anyone would. No.

I think it's a lie.

So they think it's a lie.

Were you lying or were you telling
the truth?

Well, I was lying.

Yes, it's a lie.

David didn't trap his pom-pom
in the Tube doors. Next, it's...

It's Lee.

After asking a friend how he kept
his dog's coat

looking so lustrous,

I have now taken to washing my
own hair with dog shampoo.

David's team. So what was the breed
of dog whose hair...? Afghan Hound.

Lot of hair. Lot of hair,
the Afghan Hound.

Lovely to see a lustrous Afghan.
Yeah.

When did you start using
this new shampoo? Sorry?

When did you start to use this new
shampoo? It's great having someone

with such a strong accent -
you get thinking time.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that,
Fred.

Sorry.

HE ASKS QUESTION IN FRENCH

Five years ago.

Five years ago.

Five years ago you started. And
what's the brand of the dog shampoo?

Canine Feeling.
LAUGHTER

There's other ones.

There's... there's Canine Springtime,

Canine for curly hair -
that's for the poodles.

It's just, it's fantastic.
It's made me feel great.

I feel alive. I feel fresh. I have a
compulsion to wee on lampposts,

but that's just a side effect that
it says will happen.

Yeah. I have a very weird way
of greeting people now,

but I have to check them out.

So are you mad or really vain?

Vain, yes.

This comes at a price, Fred.

Comes at a price and that price
is £9.99 from most good pet shops.

I think it's unlikely,
he wouldn't do that.

I don't think he'd do that.

However good the Afghan hound
looked,

I don't think you'd do that.

You're saying it's a lie? Yeah.

Lee, I am fascinated to find out.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was, in fact, a lie.

APPLAUSE

Next, it's Fred. Right.

I 'ate using towels, so instead
I dry myself every day

with a hairdryer.

OK. The first question I've got to
ask you is -

why have you got a hairdryer
anyway?

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

I have a hairdryer to
specifically dry my body.

What is wrong with a towel?

I just don't like it. Do you go...?
Do you go everywhere with it?

Everywhere.
Do you want me to show you?

I'd love you to show me, yes.

I go like that... Sssshhhh.

I suppose the drips are all heading
down, like in a carwash,

when the blower comes over.

What heat do you have it on?

Then I change, I go like that.

Good question from Oti.

Then I go, I go the back... He can't
hear you, the hairdryer's on!

Fred! What temp...?

Turn it off, he's asking you a
question! Turn it off!

Which temperature do you have
the hairdryer on? What heat?

I've got it quite hot. Oh!

I like it quite hot. Oh, that can
burn. You have a feeling of dryness

that you cannot get with a towel.
Yeah.

When I'm finished, I am so dry.

LAUGHTER

And then what I do, I do oil
myself...

Oh!

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

..with coconut oil.

Oh! Wow!

You do...? You do downstairs?

Yeah. I've got to.

It would be weird if that was
the bit he missed.

You cannot dry yourself like
that with a towel.

No. Well, I get really in the
crevices with a towel.

OTI: How do you...?
Then you have to burn the towel!

So, Lee, what, what's your team
thinking?

Oti. I think it's true.

You think it's true?

Yeah. I do think that's true.

I've dried myself with a hairdryer
before.

When you said it feels nice -
it feels nice.

I can imagine it might feel,
I might give it a go.

LAUGHTER

OK. Because I think... there are
areas where you sort of feel,

"Has it ever been dry?"

David.

Really. David, as your friend,
I'm going to jump in here.

Yeah.

Go on. Shall we say it's true?

Yeah. It's true.

OK, Fred, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

What?!

Yes, it's a lie. Fred doesn't dry
himself with a hairdryer.

I admitted to that -
I said I did it.

I only said I did it cos I thought,
"Oh, well, there's another person

"who does it and I won't look
weird." And now it's just me again.

KLAXON

And that noise signals time is
up. It's the end of the show

and I can reveal that it's a draw.

Lee has three and David has three.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching, we'll see you
next time. Goodnight.