Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 13, Episode 8 - Episode #13.7 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,

the show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a comedian who hosts the spin-off
show to The Great British Bake Off.

She's just in it for the dough.
It's Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE

And a young Welsh comedian
who likes nothing better

than dressing up in sequins.

We've got so much in common.

It's Kiri Pritchard-McLean!



APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a stand-up comedian who came here

from Germany 17 years ago.

I'm thinking his visa
must have expired by now.

It's Henning Wehn.

APPLAUSE

And Christmas Day, Pancake Day -

please welcome my favourite,
Simon Day.

APPLAUSE

We begin with round one,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out a
statement from the card

in front of them.
To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.



And it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Jo, you're first tonight.
Oh, OK.

I once ignored a fireman's order
to evacuate a building

because I assumed he was just
a bloke in fancy dress.

Lee's team.

OK. When was this?

When I was at university in 1841.

Were you the only person
who didn't leave?

Er, no, I don't think so.

It was, like, it was a student
party. It was sort of fancy dress.

Oh, YOU were all in fancy dress.
Oh, OK. OK.

Yeah.
What had you gone as?

I think I took a pretty easy option,
and I went as a Roman.

Well, what were you wearing?
Yeah.

A sheet.
That's not a Roman!

Oh, not a Roman soldier,

just someone who was around in the
Roman era.

A senator, not a centurion.
A Roman or a ghost?

So, first of all,
where was the fire?

Was it in your room?

Well, actually, it was...
It was a fire alarm.

I wasn't in the proper party bit,
I was in my room,

in, er, with the door shut.

So how did a firefighter get in
touch with you

if you were locked away
in your own room?

Well, he banged on the door
and went, "Fire Service."

With all due respect to your sheet,

you must have been quite impressed
with his costume.

LAUGHTER

I was.
How did the conversation go.

Right, I was in my room
with someone else.

We were busy. Who were...?

Oh! Oh!

Is this how the fire started?

Because I know what you're like, Jo,
you like to set fire to them.

Actually, we were...

We were revising.

Oh, right!

What was he dressed as?

You were a Roman,
what was this other person...?

He wasn't dressed as anything.

LAUGHTER

So there's a banging...
There's a banging on the door.

..and you stand up.

LAUGHTER

Now, Jo, I expect better of David,
who was the first person to titter.

Let's try and have a level tonight,
please.

Jo, there was a banging...
On the door, yes.

..banging, banging, banging.

Then you heard the door.
What happened?

What happened was this guy
shouted, "Fire!

"Please leave the building," right?
Yes.

So I just thought it was
some drunk bloke mucking about.

Yes, yes.

So I said,
"Could you please go elsewhere?"

What was your gentleman caller's
reaction?

Er...
Or was he still unconscious?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My gentleman caller was the same
as me - very entertained.

What do you think, Henning,
is she telling the truth?

There is a few inconsistencies
in that story.

Like?
Well, the thing about the fire,

I don't believe.

LAUGHTER

We can stop there, then.

It's not, to be fair,
an inconsistency, is it?

There's nothing inconsistent
about it.

It's just it either happened
or it didn't.

It's not like,
"A fire, and I was in a lake."

That would be an inconsistency.

So, what, you're picking
holes in Henning's command

of the English language?
Yes.

Perhaps we should continue the rest
in German,

to give him a fighting chance, ja?

Simon, what are you thinking?

Part of me thinks it
could possibly be a lie.

You're going to say lie because
you think that the story

has got inconsistencies? Yeah.
I'm just trying to annoy David now.

I think I'd go with Simon.

So you're going to say it's a lie?
Oh, absolutely.

With them kind of inconsistencies?

LAUGHTER

OK. Jo, were you telling us the
truth, or were you telling a lie?

It was, in fact...

..the truth.

APPLAUSE

It's true. Jo did ignore a fireman
because she thought he was

in fancy dress.
Henning, you're next.

I consider myself
a train vigilante...

LAUGHTER

..and... I don't think
you need to read any more.

..and enjoy clamping down
on passengers

who break my strict code of conduct.

David. OK.

What's the code of conduct, Henning?

I just think when you travel
on public transport,

you have to consider others.

Oh, was it you consider yourself
a TRAIN vigilante

or a TRAINED vigilante?

No, train. Oh, train. Choo-choo!

I thought he said "trained". I
thought he said "trained"! Yeah.

Would you, for the sake of some of
the dimmer panellists,

would you read it again, please?

I thought he said "trained".

I have to be honest, I thought you
said "trained" as well.

I think maybe you did
say trained vigilante.

How many people here think
he said "trained"?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Would you please read it again?

I mean, Brexit doesn't make me
leave, but you lot definitely...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I consider myself
a choo-choo vigilante...

..and enjoy clamping down on
passengers

who break my strict code of conduct.

It's interesting he says
"clamping down".

What would you clamp down on?

What I would consider
out of orderness.

So can we just run
a couple past you? Yeah.

Someone with their feet up
on the seat.

They might get a stern look. OK...

What else don't you like?
Give him another example.

So, imagine I'm sitting there,

imagine I'm sort of
a large, threatening figure...

My God, David, give us a minute.

..and I'm playing some, you know...
Rachmaninoff.

..frightening, popular music.

Yeah, absolutely, some Rachmaninoff.

And it's very loud on my phone
there in front of me.

What do you say to me?

I'll do the music, right? Yeah.

You can nod your head,

and you, Henning,
can walk over and tell him.

OK. So, first... What I do is....

I haven't started the music yet.

HE BEATBOXES

Rachmaninoff, yeah?

It's RAP-maninoff. Nice!

HE CONTINUES BEATBOXING FASTER

Train's speeding up!

Should we...? Yeah.

Rob. Rob, Rob!

That's beatboxing, that's not rap.
Sorry.

Am I right?

RAPS: # I get up in the morning
and I have some tea

# I like to drink some tea... #

That's not, that's
not rapping either.

Also rhyming is not the same - if
you just use the same word twice.

Look...

RAPS: # I want some tea
cos I like some tea! #

I was under a lot of pressure.

Have you ever thought about doing
the new Eminem film?

You could have a proper battle!

HE BEATBOXES

If I see a really imposing figure...
That's me. David.

..I'll have a look what the
numbers are

in the rest of the carriage,

how confident I am.

Nah, he's too big.

All right. Kiri, do you think that
Henning's been telling the truth?

No. No, of course not.

I think it would take a lot of
confidence to walk over to someone

on any train carriage and just say
to a stranger, "Be quiet."

I mean it in
the nicest possible way -

I don't think you've got it in you.

I agree with Kiri.
I think probably not, actually.

You think not?
I think we don't think it's true.

You're going to say it's a lie.

OK, Henning, were you telling the
truth, or were you telling a lie?

Well, to the best of my knowledge,
this story is...

..true.

Simon, you're next.

Oh, I haven't got me glasses on.

Before being allowed out to play...
True!

Very good!

Before being allowed out to play,

my mum used to write my address
on my forehead in felt-tip pen.

David's team.

What age were you?

Sort of six, seven, eight.

So, how many lines of the address,
or was it just a postcode?

She wrote the house number
and the name of the street.

Did any other mums in your street
do the same thing,

or we you the only...?

No. I had not returned home on
a number of occasions,

and not found the house.

She said, "If you do this again,
I'm going to write

"the name of the house on
your forehead."

I think the idea was that
a neighbour or a kindly person

would see it and say,
"Come here, little fella."

Yeah... "I'll take you home."

What a foolproof scheme!

Some kindly fella
with a big black hat and a net.

CREEPY VOICE: Lollipops! Lollipops!

She had a cruel side to her.

So how many times had you,
as it were, disappeared,

and for how long?

Well, there were sort
of three in a row.

And how many times in a row?

Three.

Did you did you go away
from your street

and you couldn't remember where your
street was,

or could you not remember
which house was yours?

It was the house.
The key was the house.

Cos they were like Spam houses -
they all looked the same.

Right. They all had pampas grass
outside.

And you're wandering around on your
own... It's a swingers' joke.

And...

I've still got your keys,
by the way.

And you're wandering...

I've still got your wife.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was wandering lonely
as a cloud. At six years old?

Yeah. Six, seven, eight.

And so how many times was
the address felt-tipped onto you?

I've told you that - three.

No, you told me that there were
three occasions that you'd got lost,

which led to
the felt-tipping policy.

Now this, Henning, is what
I call an inconsistency!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you do with your kids, Lee?
Cos you've got a young family.

How do you keep track of them?

Well, I write on their head,
but I put the wrong address on.

Kiri, do you think
he's telling the truth?

I do, cos his demeanour's changed

and he's like a little boy
who's been told off.

He's adorable, isn't he?
He is.

He's an actor as well...

DAVID: We think it's true, do we?

I think there was one thing
that Simon said that made me think

it was true, and that was you said,
like,

your mum was a bit spiteful,
or something like that.

You thought that's... Yeah. ..one
of the reasons why she did it.

She's going to enjoy this
when watches it.

Yeah, it's a shaming thing,
isn't it? Yeah, it is.

"This idiot doesn't know
where he lives."

Now that Jeremy Kyle's gone,
we've got a new show to replace it!

So you're going to say it's...?

We're going to say it's true.
OK, you're saying it's true.

Simon, was it true, or...?

That my mother used to write
my address on my forehead

when I was six or seven...

..was a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Simon's mother didn't write
his address on this forehead

before letting him out to play.

Our next round is called
This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim

it's them that has
the genuine connection to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who is telling the truth.

So please welcome this
week's special guest, Christina.

So, Jo, what is Christina to you?

Well, this is Christina.

I once borrowed her car, then later
watched in horror

as a Frenchman crushed it
with his lorry.

Right, Jo's car-less companion.

Kiri, how do you know Christina?

This is Christina, and my dog
ate the tip of her finger.

Kiri's dog's dinner.

And finally, David, what is
your relationship with Christina?

This is Christina.

When my list of implausible things
that have happened to me

that I could talk about on
Would I Lie To You? blew away,

she returned it to me.

So there we have it. Lee's team,
where will you begin?

Jo, could you just remind me
again what you said? Sorry.

I borrowed Christina's car.

Then later on, a Frenchman crushed
the car with his lorry.

So you borrowed her car?
Yeah.

Why?

Because I had to go to a gig
in Nottingham.

And you've borrowed the car,

you've gone to the gig,
and then you've...?

What happened was, we got down the
M1 and everyone said,

"Let's stop and have breakfast,"
like you do...

Breakfast? Well, three o'clock
in the morning, you know.

Have you got other comedians
in the car with you? Yeah.

And then, I didn't realise,
but we were actually in

the lorry park and not the car park.

Did the truck reverse into
your car...? It did.

And you're in the car?
We're in it, yeah.

So why didn't you blow the horn
or get attention?

Because it wasn't my car...
But a horn is a horn!

"I'd better not touch that -
it's not mine."

"I've got very dirty fingers..."
Excuse me!

It didn't have the horn in
the middle of the steering wheel.

Of course that's the first thing
I tried.

I went, "Uh!", like that.

Where was the horn?

It was on the end of a stalk.
You know?

How did you fit the stork in there
if you had all these comedians?

You said it was
a Frenchman driving this.

How would you know?

Did he go, "Ooh, le crush!"
Well, no, what...

What happened was, I tried,

I was trying to find the horn,

windscreen wipers... As ever!

And eventually, I did find it.

But his lorry had already hit
the car... Right.

..and started to make
a crunching noise,

cos we were we were against
the wall.

But it properly crushed?

No, not concertinaed it in, but...

Well, were you hit,
or were you crushed?

You're the one that said crushed.
Crushed the front bit.

The crumple zone, I imagine.

He stopped, I got out the car, went
round to him

and he opens his cab and
went...

"C'est la vie!"

What, "That's life"?

"That's life!"

So, go on, talk us through the
conversation when you saw Christina.

Well, I phoned her.
I said, "Look, I'm really sorry.

"I've had an accident
with your car."

And she said, "Not again.

"Have you not thought about putting
plastic sheets down?"

So the upshot of it was I actually
did manage to drive it home.

It had... The grill had
sort of half fallen off.

And you drove home like that?

Sorry, were you comedians or clowns?

HE HONKS
Oh, no!

HE HONKS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, what about, what about Kiri?

OK, so, Kiri, you're claiming that
this lady's fingertip is missing?

Yeah.

It's an interesting one this
cos she is covering her hand.

But she would've been told to do
that to give her lie a chance,

if she's lying. Cunning! Yeah.

Is she a friend of yours?
She's my auntie.

Were you there when it happened?
Yeah.

Where was it?
It was in her kitchen.

In her kitchen? Your dog?
Yeah.

What sort of dog have you got?
I've got a Jack Russell.

A little Jack Russell!

Why are you saying it like
he's a little cutie?!

He's taken someone's finger off!
But it wasn't his fault!

He didn't think it was
a finger when he ate it.

What did he think it was?

"Ate it"?! Did he gulp it down?
Yeah.

Sorry, how much of the finger
are we talking here?

So, she was peeling potatoes...
Right.

..but she was doing it too fast

and she had her finger out
like that.

And she was doing it really quickly.

And I was talking to her,
so she's distracted,

and she just went like that

and then a big curl of her finger...

That can happen, though!
Whoa, hang on!

So now you're saying it wasn't
the end of the finger -

it was the sort of fleshy bit?

Yes. So that the tip came off...

And your Jack Russell,
like a shark...

..smelt the blood in the air,
leapt up.

And I'm presuming there
was blood spurting everywhere?

Yeah, there was a lot of blood.

And what happens next?
What did you do?

I didn't do anything -
I was just panicking.

Cos you thought, "There's going
to be no chips now."

So my dad got loads and loads of
kitchen roll

and just, like, held it down
and then took her to A&E,

and she got some stitches.

And the dog's still doing all right?
The dog's...

The dog's dead.

Really?
That was a hell of a punishment.

I'm not happy about the peeling
technique, this away from you.

Surely people peel towards them,
like that, don't they?

What?! Yeah. No. I peel towards.
You peel towards.

I do my carrots the other way.

Enough of the filth!

Right, now then, what about
David's...? Remind us again, David.

Well, this is Christina...

Hi, Christina. Give us a wave.

..and when my list of implausible
things I could talk

about on this show blew away,
she returned it to me.

So, hang on,
where were you at the time?

I was in the garden.
How many things were on the list?

Oh, I mean, hundreds of things
were on the list.

Hundreds of amazing things

that, unfortunately, I can't tell
you about, for obvious reasons.

So, just to clarify, you've got
hundreds of things on the list,

and the last few series have been

the best of those things
that have happened in your life?

No, cos I asked them to save
the best stuff for after series 30.

In the hope that one of
the pair of you will be dead.

You're in the garden at that moment?

Yeah, I'd been copying the list out
onto a fresh piece of paper.

From what? From an older piece of
paper that had become...

You're far more meticulous about
this show than I am! Yes.

I keep a piece of paper with me
at all times... Yes, I know.

You need to, in your condition.
Yeah.

Anyway, it had been folded up in
my diary

and I'd been adding these amazing,
brilliant anecdotes,

which fans of the show
will be familiar with.

Where does it blow to?
Over the wall.

Your heart must have gone into
your mouth

when you saw
all that magic disappear.

Well, I thought, "This is
a security issue." Of course.

I don't want this blowing away
in the world.

Someone could photograph it, put it
on social media,

and there goes series 31 to 36
of this show down the toilet,

like the paper
from the other pocket.

And, so it blows over the wall.

So is this lady your neighbour? No.

Beyond the wall,
at the bottom of the house,

is some allotments. Oh!

And was she... allotting
at that time?

She was allotting.

Did you run down? Scamper down?
Well, it blew...

Initially, it rested briefly...

SIMON: On a marrow!

..on... As you rightly say,
on a quivering marrow

rested on the lawn
and then another...

And so I ambled towards it in quite
a relaxed manner, which I later came

to regret because a second gust
of wind took it right over the wall

into the allotment.

How high is the wall? 100 feet.
Wow.

Do you want to have another guess?

Thank God for that trampoline!

It's quite a tall wall. Right.

Not 100 feet - that's an
exaggeration. OK.

So, suddenly, Christina is just
happily in her allotment... Yes.

..and she's your ghostly head
rising above a high wall.

What a horrible experience.

Well, I certainly do
look disgusting.

But the upshot was...
She passed you the piece of paper?

..she consented to go
and pick up the piece of paper...

Were you not tempted...?
..and pass it to me.

..given you're so high up
on the fence,

to just jump the wall
and go and get it? No.

So what was
the chain of events that

ended up with Christina
and you becoming friends?

Did you say, "Oh, you handed that
sheet of paper over ever so lovely.

"Do you fancy ever meeting up
for a cup of tea?"

No, we've never met up for a cup
of tea.

So why is Christina here?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you never seen
this show before?

All right, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Christina

Jo's car-less companion,

Kiri's dog's dinner,
or David's helpful hero?

I think it's Kiri's dog's dinner.
Why?

I just... I can see it happening.
It seems plausible.

Jo's is plausible
up until the driving home bit.

You can't be crushed
and drive home.

Which way are you leaning, Henning?

Yeah, absolutely, I'm with Simon.
I can see Kiri and her...

Because they look very similar
as well.

They look very similar? Yeah.

So we think it's Kiri, do we?
Mm. Yeah. OK.

You're going to say that it's
Kiri... Yeah.

..and the finger and the dog?

OK. Christina, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Cristina and Jo wrecked my car.

GASPS

APPLAUSE

Yes, Christina is Jo's carless
companion.

Thank you very much, Christina.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

..it's Lee.

Oh.

I've devised a simple mnemonic
to help me remember everything

I need to pack
when going on holiday.

LAUGHTER

I won't leave the house
until I've ticked off everything

on my flip-flop list.

David's team.

OK!

LAUGHTER

I hate to do this, Lee,

but could you take
us through the mnemonic?

Er... What is a mnemonic?

It's a... I can best describe it as
new information that I received

about ten seconds ago.
LAUGHTER

No! A mnemonic is basically
flip-flop -

so the first letter of the list
of all the things

I've got to remember.

So, for example, you'll probably
want to know the first one - is F.
Yes.

Can't think of anything
beginning with F now!

LAUGHTER
Flip-flop.

So, a flip-flop. F, F for flip-flop.
So, sorry, F for flip-flop,

you use, even though the system
is the flip-flop system.

So, you're remembering the word
flip-flop anyway.

You then waste that first F.

LAUGHTER

Remind me again to take fl...

Is there not a risk you might take
two pairs of flip-flops?

No, no, no.

Have you noticed
he's doing singular,

so only packs one flip-flop.
My flip-flop.

So that's your first F.

But there's another F coming
up in a while.

Now you'll know why
I said only one flip-flop!

LAUGHTER

L. L stands for lipstick.

LAUGHTER

Why are you taking lipstick?

Because I once, er... my wife, who
always forgets her lipstick,

always says, "Ah, darn, I've
forgotten my lipstick.

"My whole two-week holiday
is ruined.

"They never have the product
I've got in this country."

So, I got so annoyed
by this over the years.

I thought, from now on,
I'm going to take the lipstick

so that when she gets there,
she won't start kicking off

and ruining the whole trip
because her lips aren't red enough.

LAUGHTER

I. Is for the passport.

I for passport?

Yeah, because it's got me in it
and I remember myself as I.

I must remember...

Now, this makes...
It's I! Who's that? That is I!

LAUGHTER

It's I for ID.
No, I never went with that system.

No?
LAUGHTER

Now I think about it... All right,
I won't help you. It's crazy!

LAUGHTER

Lee, you know that in just one
letter's time we go to P,

which would seem very well suited
for passport. It would, it would.

LAUGHTER

So what's... Right. ..what's P?

Me wife's passport.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right. F. F. Now, this is
an interesting one.

F... is for francs - the currency.

Now, I know what...
Francs don't exist.

I know what you're going to say.

But when I first developed
this system, it was because we were

going to the South of France
and I wanted to remember my francs.

And now that the flip-flop system
is invented, I can't change

it for the E of euro
because it will be flip-elop.

So, I always remember flip-flop,
francs. Francs are now euros.

To get your euros. Not necessarily
euros. It could be dollars.

Foreign currency. Foreign currency.

F - foreign currency. Foreign...!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Why didn't I think of that?!

Why didn't I?

David, there are times
when I wish I was married to you.

LAUGHTER

Erm, L. L. Erm, I don't know if I
told you about

my wife's habit of wearing a
different-coloured lipstick

on the top lip to the bottom.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes. It's an odd look.

I'm not going to lie.

It's an odd look.

So, it's another lipstick.
LAUGHTER

Oh. Oh. Oh. Now, as everybody knows,
when you go on holiday, there's one

thing you've got to remember.

And that is...

..the suntan lotion.

I go a weird shade of orange
in the sun,

and if I think of an orange,
I always think of the suntan lotion.

Yeah. Because orange body -
suntan lotion.

I mean, what are you going
to use the P for?

Because you've covered everything
you'd need.

I take a spare passport for my wife,
because we have the old passp...

You know you keep the old passport
when you renew.

I always take it. Why?
They cut through it.

Because they...

But, we once... You know when you
just flash them occasionally?

We once lost the passport
and used the spare one

and went like that and it worked.

Flip-flop. It's F-L-I-P...

It's eight letters and you use
three of them for passports... Yes.

LAUGHTER

Two of them for lipstick. Yeah.

Over half of it is passports
and lipstick.

LAUGHTER

What do you think, Jo?

Not much.

LAUGHTER

Kiri, which way are you leaning?

I think it's a lie. David,
what's it going to be?

I think we'll go lie.

Right, well, feel the tension.

LAUGHTER

Lee, were you telling the truth?

Or was that a lie?

It's a lie!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Lee doesn't use the word flip-flop
to help him pack.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team
have won, by three points to two.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well played.

Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE