Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 13, Episode 7 - At Christmas - full transcript
Guests Liz Bonnin, Stephen Merchant, Sharon Osbourne and Ranj Singh join team captains Lee Mack and David Mitchell for the deceptive panel show hosted by Rob Brydon.
Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You At Christmas?
A very special edition filled
with festive fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV
star who'll be spending Christmas
with her husband, Ozzy.
She'll be stuffing the turkey
and he'll be biting its head off.
It's Sharon Osbourne!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And a doctor turned TV presenter...
so if you've had a long wait
at A&E today, apologies
but we booked him first!
It's Dr Ranj Singh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,
a writer and comedian who created
a little known show called
The Office
and I, for one, wish him all the
luck in the world with it.
It's Stephen Merchant.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a wild animal biologist,
although I don't know if she's
a biologist of wild animals
or just an animal biologist
who's a bit feisty...
It's Liz Bonnin!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the
card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to
sort the facts from the fiction.
Stephen is first up.
LEE: "I am in a Madness
tribute act."
Sorry. What I meant to say was,
Merry Christmas, Stephen.
Thank you. I once concealed a
serious injury
because I didn't want a builder
to think I wasn't one of the boys.
Lee's team. You pretended
you had a serious injury?
No, he concealed it, he hid it.
Oh, he concealed. I'm sorry.
Concealed means hidden.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much.
You can't dance to save your life.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, and what was this injury?
Thank you. No, thanks for asking.
It was quite a severe hand injury.
What happened to your hand?
I was at a, er, like a place
where they sell glass
and I cut my hand there.
Why did you care what the
builder thought of you?
Well, I had gone to buy some glass,
and my father, who used to be
in the building business,
said, "Orr, careful, son!"
Dunno where he's from!
Was he a pirate?
He said, "Be careful, mate,
when you go in there,
"cos if they think that you're,
like, some speccy student type,
"they'll hike the price."
So, I went into the shop and I tried
to seem quite sort of geezery.
Whoa! How did you do that? Show us!
I was like, "All right, you geezer!"
I said, "Where's your glass, mate?"
He's like, "We've got a tonne
of it!" and I went, "Cheers!"
And I sort of went over,
and in the shop
it's sort of stacked up, a bit like,
you know, if you go in...
But not like this story?
And I went to look at a piece
like that,
and I slid it out...
Ooh! Ooh!
And, yes, you're right
because the chap behind there,
the geezer said,
"Oh, don't do that, mate!"
Hang on, what are you...
He said, "You might cut yourself."
And obviously, I didn't...
And I went, "I think I know what
I'm doing, Chief."
I threw in a "chief!"
And looked at my hand. Gash.
Huge gash and I went, "Oh!"
But I didn't want him to see
that I'd cut my hand,
cos then he'd know
I wasn't one of the lads.
But what were you...
I put my hand in my pocket.
Did it not seep through?
Yes, it did.
Ooh! So, you now had a patch of
blood on your pocket.
It's sort of dribbling down
the leg for quite a while. Was it?
I want to know about when
you went to pay for it,
because that's tricky, cos
you've got one hand out of action.
Firstly, I tried to bandage it.
What with? Well, there you are.
That was... That was... Yes.
Where?! Well, so I...
In the pocket?
Well, no, what I did was I said...
Oh, I pretended to take a
phone call... Right.
And I said, and I went, you know...
"Hello, you muppet!"
And then I said,
"I've just got to take this."
Yeah, it's Kermit the Frog! Yeah!
LAUGHTER
I went outside and I was looking to
see if there was any shops nearby
and there was a sort of,
you know, a corner shop
and so I popped in there.
What did you get? Tissues?
I'm not sure I want to say.
Well, you have to.
Oh, I know what you used...
Oh, no, you didn't!
You used a diaper... You used
a panty liner, didn't you?
Yes, I did, yes.
Great idea! Really good idea!
Good! Thank you, doctor!
Very good. A trained doctor said
it was a good idea.
You used a panty liner
on your bleeding hand? Yes.
Well, I... And then took that out
of your pocket?
Well, no, I kept that in the pocket
when I went back in the shop...
Ugh... I was worried that he might
think I wasn't one of the lads
if I had a panty liner on my hand.
So, I kept that hidden,
I kept that from him.
Do you remember the cost, Steve?
I didn't get the discount.
Did they charge you the top whack?
The charged you the top idiots rate.
Yes.
Stephen, darling, how many stitches
did you have in your hand?
I didn't... I didn't actually get
stitches in the end.
What did you do?
I think I just let it
sort of...heal. Naturally?
Yes. More organic, yes.
Thank you, yes.
You know what's also organic?
Tetanus.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, Sharon, what are you thinking?
Is this true, Do you think?
I think it is.
LEE: Why? Why do you know it's true?
Because I think he's trying to throw
us off by...
Being vague about it. Yes.
Yeah. Very vague.
I think you're lying, because
I would've thought you'd have gone
and got medical attention
and got it seen to.
Hmm... I don't know who to trust
the most.
I mean, it's Hobson's choice,
isn't it?
I'm 51-49. It's very close.
It's true, I think. Sharon...?
I think that's how much it cost!
51.49!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, you're saying it's true?
We're saying it's true.
Steve, was it true
or were you telling a lie?
It was a...
..truth.
SHARON CHEERS
Sharon, you're next. OK.
I once sacked a member of my staff
because he showed
absolutely no sense of humour
during a house fire.
David's team.
What was burning? The house.
No, but...
..where in the house did the fire
start?
In our living room.
And this member of staff,
what was his job?
He was my husband's assistant
at the time.
OK.
You fired him cos
he DIDN'T find it amusing? Yes.
Why did you find it amusing?
RANJ: Did you start it?
No...
No! Well, yes, but no.
How did it begin, Sharon?
How did this happen?
Christmas... Yes.
..beautiful, kind of, you know,
chilly, Christmas night,
and my hubby and I thought,
"Oh, well, let's light
this beautiful gift,"
that somebody had just given us.
And it was this big candle
in this copper kind of vessel that
it's in.
And we turned the lights out
and we watched a Christmas movie,
and then we went up to bed.
We'll draw a veil there.
What happened then?
This alarm was ringing
and ringing. An alarm went off?
Yes, a fire alarm.
Was Ozzy keen to go down
and have a look?
Yes, I sent him down. Ah, OK.
He's going, "I can't go down -
I'm flammable!"
And so he went down and suddenly
I hear my name being called.
SOFTLY: "Sharon! Sharon!"
"Help me! Help me!"
It's the Ghost of Christmas Past!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I went downstairs and,
there he was in the living room,
and his arm was on fire.
His what?! Arm. His arm?
Was he in pyjamas, or...?
What's he got on?
No, he had a sling on like this...
His sling was on fire?
And half his hair.
Would I Lie To You At Christmas?
A very special edition filled
with festive fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV
star who'll be spending Christmas
with her husband, Ozzy.
She'll be stuffing the turkey
and he'll be biting its head off.
It's Sharon Osbourne!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And a doctor turned TV presenter...
so if you've had a long wait
at A&E today, apologies
but we booked him first!
It's Dr Ranj Singh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,
a writer and comedian who created
a little known show called
The Office
and I, for one, wish him all the
luck in the world with it.
It's Stephen Merchant.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a wild animal biologist,
although I don't know if she's
a biologist of wild animals
or just an animal biologist
who's a bit feisty...
It's Liz Bonnin!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the
card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to
sort the facts from the fiction.
Stephen is first up.
LEE: "I am in a Madness
tribute act."
Sorry. What I meant to say was,
Merry Christmas, Stephen.
Thank you. I once concealed a
serious injury
because I didn't want a builder
to think I wasn't one of the boys.
Lee's team. You pretended
you had a serious injury?
No, he concealed it, he hid it.
Oh, he concealed. I'm sorry.
Concealed means hidden.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much.
You can't dance to save your life.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, and what was this injury?
Thank you. No, thanks for asking.
It was quite a severe hand injury.
What happened to your hand?
I was at a, er, like a place
where they sell glass
and I cut my hand there.
Why did you care what the
builder thought of you?
Well, I had gone to buy some glass,
and my father, who used to be
in the building business,
said, "Orr, careful, son!"
Dunno where he's from!
Was he a pirate?
He said, "Be careful, mate,
when you go in there,
"cos if they think that you're,
like, some speccy student type,
"they'll hike the price."
So, I went into the shop and I tried
to seem quite sort of geezery.
Whoa! How did you do that? Show us!
I was like, "All right, you geezer!"
I said, "Where's your glass, mate?"
He's like, "We've got a tonne
of it!" and I went, "Cheers!"
And I sort of went over,
and in the shop
it's sort of stacked up, a bit like,
you know, if you go in...
But not like this story?
And I went to look at a piece
like that,
and I slid it out...
Ooh! Ooh!
And, yes, you're right
because the chap behind there,
the geezer said,
"Oh, don't do that, mate!"
Hang on, what are you...
He said, "You might cut yourself."
And obviously, I didn't...
And I went, "I think I know what
I'm doing, Chief."
I threw in a "chief!"
And looked at my hand. Gash.
Huge gash and I went, "Oh!"
But I didn't want him to see
that I'd cut my hand,
cos then he'd know
I wasn't one of the lads.
But what were you...
I put my hand in my pocket.
Did it not seep through?
Yes, it did.
Ooh! So, you now had a patch of
blood on your pocket.
It's sort of dribbling down
the leg for quite a while. Was it?
I want to know about when
you went to pay for it,
because that's tricky, cos
you've got one hand out of action.
Firstly, I tried to bandage it.
What with? Well, there you are.
That was... That was... Yes.
Where?! Well, so I...
In the pocket?
Well, no, what I did was I said...
Oh, I pretended to take a
phone call... Right.
And I said, and I went, you know...
"Hello, you muppet!"
And then I said,
"I've just got to take this."
Yeah, it's Kermit the Frog! Yeah!
LAUGHTER
I went outside and I was looking to
see if there was any shops nearby
and there was a sort of,
you know, a corner shop
and so I popped in there.
What did you get? Tissues?
I'm not sure I want to say.
Well, you have to.
Oh, I know what you used...
Oh, no, you didn't!
You used a diaper... You used
a panty liner, didn't you?
Yes, I did, yes.
Great idea! Really good idea!
Good! Thank you, doctor!
Very good. A trained doctor said
it was a good idea.
You used a panty liner
on your bleeding hand? Yes.
Well, I... And then took that out
of your pocket?
Well, no, I kept that in the pocket
when I went back in the shop...
Ugh... I was worried that he might
think I wasn't one of the lads
if I had a panty liner on my hand.
So, I kept that hidden,
I kept that from him.
Do you remember the cost, Steve?
I didn't get the discount.
Did they charge you the top whack?
The charged you the top idiots rate.
Yes.
Stephen, darling, how many stitches
did you have in your hand?
I didn't... I didn't actually get
stitches in the end.
What did you do?
I think I just let it
sort of...heal. Naturally?
Yes. More organic, yes.
Thank you, yes.
You know what's also organic?
Tetanus.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, Sharon, what are you thinking?
Is this true, Do you think?
I think it is.
LEE: Why? Why do you know it's true?
Because I think he's trying to throw
us off by...
Being vague about it. Yes.
Yeah. Very vague.
I think you're lying, because
I would've thought you'd have gone
and got medical attention
and got it seen to.
Hmm... I don't know who to trust
the most.
I mean, it's Hobson's choice,
isn't it?
I'm 51-49. It's very close.
It's true, I think. Sharon...?
I think that's how much it cost!
51.49!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, you're saying it's true?
We're saying it's true.
Steve, was it true
or were you telling a lie?
It was a...
..truth.
SHARON CHEERS
Sharon, you're next. OK.
I once sacked a member of my staff
because he showed
absolutely no sense of humour
during a house fire.
David's team.
What was burning? The house.
No, but...
..where in the house did the fire
start?
In our living room.
And this member of staff,
what was his job?
He was my husband's assistant
at the time.
OK.
You fired him cos
he DIDN'T find it amusing? Yes.
Why did you find it amusing?
RANJ: Did you start it?
No...
No! Well, yes, but no.
How did it begin, Sharon?
How did this happen?
Christmas... Yes.
..beautiful, kind of, you know,
chilly, Christmas night,
and my hubby and I thought,
"Oh, well, let's light
this beautiful gift,"
that somebody had just given us.
And it was this big candle
in this copper kind of vessel that
it's in.
And we turned the lights out
and we watched a Christmas movie,
and then we went up to bed.
We'll draw a veil there.
What happened then?
This alarm was ringing
and ringing. An alarm went off?
Yes, a fire alarm.
Was Ozzy keen to go down
and have a look?
Yes, I sent him down. Ah, OK.
He's going, "I can't go down -
I'm flammable!"
And so he went down and suddenly
I hear my name being called.
SOFTLY: "Sharon! Sharon!"
"Help me! Help me!"
It's the Ghost of Christmas Past!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I went downstairs and,
there he was in the living room,
and his arm was on fire.
His what?! Arm. His arm?
Was he in pyjamas, or...?
What's he got on?
No, he had a sling on like this...
His sling was on fire?
And half his hair.