Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - Episode #13.6 - full transcript

Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You? - the show that

sorts the facts from the fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedy legend who,

let's face it, is probably a bit
too good for all this nonsense.

But she's here now and we've locked
the doors! It's Jennifer Saunders.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a man who once hosted a show

about the country's
favourite biscuit.

He's going to love tonight,
hobnobbing with the stars.

It's Richard Osman!

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a
BBC breakfast host who often gets



up at 3:30am, so if she has a
little nap tonight,

we'll understand!
It's Steph McGovern.

APPLAUSE

And a YouTuber and vlogger.

I haven't a clue what either of
those are,

but I have seen him on Strictly
so he's OK with me.

It's Joe Sugg!

We begin, as always, with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.

Richard, you're first up.

Last year, during a detox
weekend at a health spa...



Ha!
LAUGHTER

We'll stop you there, Richard. Lie!

..during a detox
weekend at a health spa,

I slipped three emergency chocolate
bars into a plastic bag and hid them

in the cistern of my loo.

Lee's team.
Why did you hide them in the toilet?

Because you weren't supposed to...

You weren't supposed
to have anything like booze

or anything in there at all,

and all the food was sort
of kale and juices. Hang on.

Are you telling me this was so
strict that they would check your

room like some sort of prison cell?

You had to hide it in the cistern,
did you say? Yeah.

They clean the rooms and,
you know, and you're not allowed

to have anything there.
Is it like that in prison?

You go in with a suitcase.
"Yeah, take that, it's fine.

"We'll check your cell later."

I don't know. Is it?

LAUGHTER

So what were the chocolates
that you'd hidden?

Some Maltesers, a Twirl

and a Double Decker.

And what did you put them in before
you put them in the cistern?

I had them in, like, a little
Ziploc. You know like when you go

through customs at the airport?
One of those little bags.

What, those things that aren't...
With a zip on?

Hm?

You heard the question, Richard.

A Ziploc bag. You know, those are
plastic, aren't they?

Yeah, but it has to be completely
water tight at the end. The bit
where the zip joins...

Also Ziploc bags are water...

I think you'll find wet suits
don't have zips on them.

I rest my case. Yes, they do!

Yes, they do! They do!

LAUGHTER

And did you eat them all over
the weekend or did you... No,

I ate them all on the first evening.

What treatments did you go for?

Oh, God, all sorts of awful,
like, peels... Peels?!

What did you have peeled, Richard?
..hot rocks. Sorry?

You had your hot rocks peeled?

You know what? I would
genuinely recommend it!

Who did you go with?

My partner. See, this is the bit
that I don't believe -

that he's got a partner. Yeah, yeah!

Did you share the toilet?

Excuse me? Did you share the toilet?

I mean, in what... In what sense?

Were you sharing a bathroom?

We've got to the stage of the
relationship where we are able

to use the same toilet, yes.

Not at the same time. It's not as
romantic as you'd think, is it,

using it at the same time?
It's not the same as a bath!

It's just not very practical!

You hark back to those first months
where you're always sitting

on the toilet together...

With a candle on the cistern!

Shall we go and have a wee, darling?

What do you think would've happened

if you'd have got caught with
chocolate? Oh, do you know what?

I'll tell you exactly what
would've happened. Nothing.

But it felt like I was alive
for the first time in many years!

LAUGHTER

So what do you think? Is he telling
the truth, Joe? What do you think?

I... I mean, that's definitely a
lie. For me, I think it's a lie.

Why? I just can't believe it.

LAUGHTER

And that's a good definition
of a lie.

I don't think there's anywhere
that would be that strict

about you bringing things in.
Apart from prison, obviously.

So we think it's a lie, do we?
Yeah. Yeah.

You say lie? Strong lie.

OK. OK. They say it's a lie.

Richard, truth or lie?
It is in fact...

..a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Richard didn't hide emergency
chocolate bars in his loo.

Jennifer, you're next.

CLEARS THROAT

I once broke into a convent
and stole food from some nuns.

Lee's team. When did this happen?

Erm, when I was hungry.

Quite hungry. Erm...

..which was when I was young
and didn't have any money.

How young? 18? 19?

Was it just you? Or was there
anyone else involved?

A friend helped me.
And what did you steal?

I stole vegetables.

You stole vegetables?!

Was it the 19th century?

Well, because it's nuns!

Nuns grow things in gardens.

Well, they do on TV
but in real life they go to Asda.

LAUGHTER

All nuns grow vegetables.

Hang on! No, they don't.
No, they don't.

Yes, they do.

I can't imagine a nun not
growing vegetables!

If you can name a nun who doesn't
grow vegetables, then go ahead.

Trevor Nunn.

LAUGHTER

What I did was I... While she
distracted them at the door,

I snuck round into their garden...
Which they do have! It's not

just on TV.
..and stole vegetables.

Dug them up?

No, you don't dig up all vegetables.
There are some hanging.

Like what? Beans, beans.

You're milking a cow now!

Was there a cow there as well?

Don't worry, we'll get some milk
while we're at it!

So you lived near this nunnery?
No, we had to drive there.

LAUGHTER

Why, if you were "poo-er",
did you have a car?

She had a car. Right, so...

How did you get two syllables
out of "poor"?

LAUGHTER

You almost got more syllables than
there are letters!

How far was the car journey,
Jennifer?

Erm, about 40 minutes, I suppose.
You drove for 40 minutes?!

That's doing a heist!
It was a heist!

It would have cost you more
in petrol

than to go buy potatoes
and tomatoes.

Not in 1980, no.
Petrol was quite cheap then.

What do you think?

Does this sound as though it
could be true?

No way!

LAUGHTER

If you think it's a lie,
Joe, which way...? Yeah.

Yeah, I think... I think it's a lie.

I think it's true. No!

Just the one syllable?

I was waiting for the rest of it!

What's it going to be?

I have to go with the majority,
even though I feel it's true.

OK. They say it's a lie. Jennifer,

were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?

I was telling the truth.

STEPH GASPS

And you!

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panellists. This week,

each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team to spot

who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Matt.

APPLAUSE

So, Joe, what is Matt to you?

This is Matt.

After I made his life hell on the
Strictly tour, he took revenge

by gelling my hair with Marmite.

Steph, how do you know Matt?
This is Matt.

Together we once threw some
knickers at Jennifer Saunders.

Lee, what is your relationship
with Matt?

This is Matt, and when he broke both
his arms, I used to pop round his

house and scratch his itches with
a knitting needle.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it.

David's team, where do you start?

OK. Joe, what was Matt's role
on the Strictly tour?

The Strictly tour is where the
people who've been on the show...

Yep. ..go around the country
and have competitions?

Yes, it's like a little mini
competition within itself

and he was one of the hair
and make-up guys.

So they arrived before we did and

set everything up on the make-up
table.

So I would get there before he did,
hide underneath and wait for ages.

He'd come along, set stuff up,
and I'd grab him by the ankles.

And film it, obviously.

Oh, and film it.

There we go. Yeah, yeah.

I do it quite a lot -
behind curtains,

behind, like, stages, everything.

I try and get a montage of
making Matt jump.

Oh, so it started off with ankles
under the table and then it

escalated into full assault.

LAUGHTER

So, yeah. So he had enough towards
the end, and we did this one number

where I had to have a Mohawk for
our dance. Then, on the last show,

he got an empty wax pot and put a
whole tub of Marmite in there

and used that on my Mohawk.
You could smell it? No?

I couldn't at the time because there
was so many other different products

and stuff around. And did half
the audience absolutely love it?

LAUGHTER

Did it work?

It held it, yeah.

I didn't notice until we
got out there

and then we could both smell it
because we left the backstage bit.

It's horrible - imagine picking
up your partner

and getting that yeasty smell.

After you've done the dance,
so you then realised it was him.

What happened then? Did you
confront him? Did you see him?

We just had a moment of, like,
"Well done. You got me."

But then obviously he doesn't
want to lose his job

so he had to rinse it out
afterwards.

What, you can get sacked for japes,
can you?

What's japes? Japes.

LAUGHTER

Japes.

Japes. You know, practical jokes.

Oh, yeah. Well, I think so, yeah.

Well, you're grabbing his ankles -
how come you didn't get sacked?

Cos I was... They... A star!

All right.
Who would you like to go to next?

So, Steph, this knicker-throwing?

Yeah. Matt and I threw knickers at
Jennifer Saunders.

Where?

LAUGHTER

They were nuns and they were trying
to get you out of the garden!

Liverpool. Empire?

Er, yeah.

Never give them options!

What was the show?
What was the show called?

Er, French & Saunders.

Oh, that sounds good.
I've love that.

I have to ask - why were you
throwing pants?

Because Matt and I are big fans
of French and Saunders,

and we thought that would be a
creative way to get your attention

and tell you that we think
you're brilliant.

Did it get your attention? No,
I don't remember that at all.

But the windmill got your attention.
Pardon?

The windmill. Windmill. That?

So we decided, as a backup,

we'd also make windmills
with your face on.

So we made one of Dawn French
and one of you.

Can I just check, is this going to
end in a restraining order?

What sort of windmills?

You know, those things you put in
your garden or you get on the
beach or whatever?

So not a windmill.

No, not...

You're not going to throw a whole
windmill at somebody!

I think we understood that it
wouldn't grind grain.

I'm relatively sure we threw
the knickers

and then when we realised
that hadn't worked,

then we went backstage
and waited for you

at the stage door.

When you say worked, what
were you expecting to happen?

Just to... I don't know, just to...
Be invited backstage?

"Who threw those knickers?

"Would you like to go out
for a drink?"

Yes, but I was a teenager.

You know, there wasn't social
media and things back then

so we couldn't tweet you
and say anything or...

That's what it was like before
the internet.

Before vlogging or Twitter,

you had to write a message on a
windmill and throw it at someone.

Life was so simple!

That's what Grindr used to be!

We weren't trying to chat them
up, we were just trying to

show our, you know, appreciation.

So the windmills had their faces on

and the idea with the windmill
is that you'd hand them over.

Yeah, and just go, "We love you!"

"Here's a windmill with your face
on it." Yeah, I don't know why!

RICHARD: The international language
of love!

JENNIFER: I think that's charming.

It is charming. "Here's a windmill,"
not, "Here's a windmill.
Now can I have a selfie?"

I think that's better than
the pants.

It is quite nice, Jennifer, but
if it's true, the sad ending

to this is that all this effort

she made and you have no
recollection of it!

LAUGHTER

How do you know Matt?

Yeah, we grew up together.

How would he say the word "poor"?

Poo-er. Actually he's turned
a bit posh now.

OK. So he wouldn't say it at all!

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

So, Lee... Can you remind us, Lee?

Yeah. This is Matt and I used to pop
round to his house when he broke

both his arms so I could itch him
with knitting needles.

Now, on what basis should
we believe that?

Because if it's not true, there's a
chance she's been throwing
windmills at people.

How do you know Matt?

Who's Matt?

Oh, this fella? Yeah. Oh.

Erm, well, I do a show called
"Would I Lie To You?"

and a few seconds ago
he just walked on stage.

Since then we've become
really good friends.

No, I know Matt, because, erm...

I was going to say we went to school
together. I've changed my mind.

LAUGHTER

We...

I used to take him to school and
drop him off because he's my son.

That will do. He's my son and...

I know Matt. I don't actually
know Matt very well.

I play five-a-side football
with the local dads and he plays

sometimes. He's one of the sons
of one of the fathers.

And so I know him a little bit
just to say hello to.

I say, "Hello, Matt." He never
waves, but we know why now.

And I felt a bit responsible,
if I'm going to be honest,

about the breaking of the arms,

and so I felt the least I could do
is pop round, see how he is.

Why did you feel responsible?

Well, I broke his arms.

And I think that was it.
How did you break them?

I was reversing in my car.

LAUGHTER

Er, and he was up a ladder.

And he was putting me off
so I thought, "I'll have him."

Just nudged the ladder gently.

And so I didn't really break
his arms. Gravity did.

Where was this ladder, Lee?

It was from the ground up
to where he was...

Where he was painting a
window ledge.

So what chain of events led
to you going into his home...

Yeah. ..and scratching his itch?

A few days later, after the
incident, I was playing football

with his dad and I felt bad.

I even said, "Does he want to play?
He doesn't have to go in goal."

LAUGHTER

He said, "No, he can't play.
He's in agony."

And so I went.... I said, "I'll pop
round and see how he's getting on."

And so I knocked on the door

and he answered the door,
and that was awkward.

How did he answer the door? Exactly.

It's not dignified seeing a man
opening the door with his teeth.

Especially with the glass window,
he was all squashed - his nose...

So I said to him, "Is there
anything I can do?"

He says, "I've got a terrible itch."

And I said, "It must be horrible
under that plaster."

He went, "Oh, no. Bad news.
That's not where the itch is."

So you got the knitting needles.
Got the knitting needles.

One up the arm and I did his...
I did everywhere.

I gave him the full
scratching treatment. Did you?!

And how many times did you return
to the house to scratch him?

How many times?
I would say, in total, 12.

It wasn't just to, obviously...
12 occasions.

Yeah, I took him to the toilet
a few times because he couldn't
go to the toilet either.

So you were essentially
a full-time carer!

His dad would help out sometimes...
OK.

..but I felt responsible.

You WERE responsible.

I felt responsible.

How is Matt now?
Is he fully recovered?

Well, he hasn't moved his arms,
I've noticed!

All right. We need an answer.

So, David's team, is Matt
Joe's pranking pal,

Steph's lingerie launcher,

or Lee's plastered patient?

I think, er... I think it's Lee.

Do you?!

I was there and even I don't
believe it!

Let's put Lee aside for now.

Oh, that would be lovely.

I don't think Marmite would hold.
I think it's sloppier than that.

You would smell it straight away
as well.

It is a risky thing for someone
to do to a star, isn't it?

I think it's Steph. You think Steph?

It'd be great to go for Steph
because if it's true, it's lovely.

It would be great, wouldn't it?

It's brilliant that you think
it's her. Yes.

So are you going to go for Steph?
We think it's Steph, yeah.

Yeah. All right. OK.

Matt, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Matt and, together, Steph and I
threw knickers at Jennifer Saunders.

APPLAUSE

Yes! Matt is Steph's
lingerie launcher.

Thank you very much, Matt.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Richard. Oh.

To avoid being disturbed
backstage on Pointless,

I have a fake name
on my dressing room door.

LAUGHTER

Who do you get disturbed by?

Oh, you know... People with
windmills with his face on.

LAUGHTER

They call them freaks, Steph.

Just contestants, essentially -

you don't want contestants
to be knocking on the door

and coming in and... Why not?

Because sometimes
you've got question papers,

and so, you know, I don't want
them seeing what their questions are

for their show. Oh, all right.

So what name do you put on the door
to stop people knocking?

Is it Rob Brydon?

LAUGHTER

Erm, I use the name, er,
The Reverend Wendy Benson.

the Reverend Wendy Benson? Mm.

Is there a Reverend Wendy Benson?

Well, I... There must be.

But the key thing is
I am not the Reverend Wendy Benson.

LAUGHTER

What does Xander have on his, er...

He is Sir Peter Moorhouse.

Sir Peter Moorhouse?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He invented the hovercraft,
didn't he?

No, that was Sir Christopher
Cockerell.

Oh, you're quite right. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Which is the name Lee has
on HIS door.

Well, it's something Cock something,
I can't remember exactly...

LAUGHTER

You'll have to change
the names now, won't you,

because you've admitted them
in public,

and... I suppose so.
..future contestants...

Well, it depends
if it's true or not, I suppose.

LAUGHTER

So is it the truth?
I think it could be, yeah.

I can imagine...

You think that he changes his name
to Reverend Wendy Benson...

LAUGHTER

..and Alexander Armstrong
changes his name to...

Sir Peter "Moo-erhouse". Thank you.
Sir Peter... That's exactly right.

I'm getting extra syllables,
I think, than when he said it.

LAUGHTER

Er, I don't know,
what do you think, Richard?

I think, well, you know...
Do you think it's truth or a lie?

LAUGHTER

I'll say this... Yeah. ..if it's NOT
true, I'm going to start doing it.

What's your instinct telling you?
You've been on the show a while.

My instinct tells me it's a lie,

because I don't believe
he's high a status enough

to have a dressing room.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I guess we'll go lie. It's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie -
so, Richard, truth or lie?

It is...

..true. Oh!

APPLAUSE

STEPH: Sorry!

Gosh, it's true!

Next...

..it's Joe.

To prove I could handle
owning my dream pet,

I first had to look after
a series of other creatures,

each one bigger than the last.

LAUGHTER

OK! So let's start with the dream
pet that we're working towards.

OK, what's the dream pet?

The dream pet was a lizard.

Whoa, I would've picked
a bigger dream pet than that.

LAUGHTER

Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you?

And what was sequence of animals
you had to work up to?

So I started off with woodlice.

Woodlice?! Yeah. Woodlice, OK.

They make a...
They make a lovely pet.

Basically, what happened was my mum
said, "You can't have a lizard.

"You need to prove..."

How big was your lizard
that you were hoping for?

One that could, like,
fit on my forearm like that.

That big?! An iguana?
A big lizard.

You're not thinking of a crocodile?

No.
LAUGHTER

So my parents were like,
"If you want to get a lizard,

"you've obviously got to prove that
you can look after animals."

And how did you prove,
with the woodlouse,

that you were a responsible owner?

I had to just look them for a week
and keep them alive for a week.

How did you do that
with the woodlouse?

Just let 'em get on with it.

Turns out they're pretty good,
they can look after themselves.

So you took a woodlouse
from under a stone...

A log. Under a log, great.

Are you sure it wasn't a vlog? No...

What... What are you doing?

Writing that joke down.
Oh, right, yeah.

So you took the woodlouse,
and what did you put it in?

In a little plastic container.

With food or with...

Bits of the log, a bit of grass,
that kind of thing.

Sounds like LOUSEY accommodation.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

Don't write that one down, Rob!

LAUGHTER

At the end of the week,
it was still alive... Yep.

..and your parents said, "Great,
it's time to upgrade to a..."

Stick insects.

Oh! Where did you find that?

So my cousin had some,
and I was really jealous of them,

I really liked them,
so he gave me some of his.

Uh, and then I looked after them
for a bit.

How did you look after them?

I had, like, a empty, like,
lollipop jar.

What had happened to the woodlouse,
though? I forgot about them.

They're actually quite boring pets,
they don't do a lot.

They're not very affectionate,
are they, woodlouse? No!

But it wouldn't be better
if they were.

The thing is...
LAUGHTER

You go into the garden, and all the
woodlice are bounding up to you,

start licking your face...

Well, that's the thing!

And how long did you have to
keep the stick insects alive?

Uh, just for another week.
And then at end of that week?

This is where it all changed.
Oh, OK.

It was my first trip to...
properly to the pet shop.

A horse.

I then got two giant
African land snails... Oh, right.

..to look after, and that was
a whole different ball game.

You've got to keep them, uh...
moist at all times.

So you got to make sure
it's warm and wet

cos they like that, that's
when they're most active.

So what did you keep them in?
A big container, like a big, uh...

Like what you put, like,
stuff in and put it under bed.

What's it called? A drawer?

That's it, like one of those
plastic drawers.

A hot, wet drawer. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Great! Did you give
these land snails names?

I did, yeah - Stanley and Shelley.

Named after... Oh, Shelley,
I like that, Shelley.

Shelley cos of the...

Write that one down, Rob.

APPLAUSE

You may be good at dancing,

but I'll decide
which jokes...make my book.

Um, OK...
LAUGHTER

What did you...? What was
the next step after the snail?

The next step would have been
the lizard. Yes.

But it was the fact that
I had these snails for so long,

I just got bored of wanting any pet.

It made me realise that maybe
I'm not ready for...

Very good parenting,
I would say, isn't it? Yeah!

Literally waiting
for the snails to die...

LAUGHTER
..put you off the lizard.

All right, what do you think?
It sounds believable.

It sounds believable. It does.
I think it's true.

You think it's true.

So, Joe,
were you telling the truth then,

or were you telling a lie?
It is in fact...

..true.

Yes, it's true.

Next...

..it's Jennifer.

I deliberately bump into people

who are walking around
staring at their phones,

because I think they need
to be taught a lesson.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Please do! Thank you.

How severe? I will walk right into
them. Can you do a demonstration?

Could you demonstrate to the extent
of how much you would push into me?

Have you got a phone?

Well, I can mime it - I'm an actor.

LAUGHTER

Well, you say that....

LAUGHTER

So Lee is walking down Bond Street,
looking at boutiques, thinking...

I've got to be on the phone,
haven't I?

No, you're looking at the phone,
you idiot, looking at it!

Not speaking, looking?
No, cos then you'd see her!

You're doing this, you're texting,
you're texting or...

Right, I'll get into the character.
Yeah. OK.

I wonder if that Jennifer Saunders
is still alive?

LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry!

LAUGHTER

Blimey! That's right.

That was strong! That was strong.

Well, she's still alive.

He's such... He's such a subtle
and truthful performer, isn't he?

I'm presuming you've got a phone
and you look at it sometimes.

I stand still and to the side.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Oh...

I'll tell you what -
that's very self-righteous

from someone
who steals from nunneries.

What do you think?
Is she telling the truth?

I think that's true.
Yeah, I think it could be true.

I wasn't sure, but now I've had
the feeling of it from her...

I think we should all
start doing it.

I think you could probably do it
while looking at your phone...

Yeah. ..if you sort of glanced up.

"Oh, there's someone looking
at their phone, look at my phone..."

I mean, it's great,
because you could do it

while getting on
with stuff on the go.

We should invent an app

that shows you people in your area
who are looking at their phone.

So you can see exactly there
in front of you...

"Yeah, where is this
inattentive moron?!"

LAUGHTER

So what are you going to say?

I'd say that it's true.

OK, Jennifer,
were you telling the truth,

or were you telling a lie?

I was telling a lie.

Oh! Wow...
APPLAUSE

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team
have won by five points to one.

APPLAUSE
Well done!

Thanks for watching, goodnight!