Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 13, Episode 5 - The Unseen Bits - full transcript

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to
a very special edition of

even more unseen clips

from this series of
Would I Lie to You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight,
Greg Davies,

Henning Wehn, Simon Day,

Dr Ranj Singh, Asim Chaudhry
and Clare Balding.

And joining David Mitchell tonight

are Victoria Coren Mitchell,

Stephen Merchant,
Claudia Winkleman

Guz Khan, Liz Bonnin,



Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Gabby Logan,

Jo Brand and Greg James.

And so we begin with Round One,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Victoria, you're first up tonight.

I was once unable to
wave at Prince Charles

because I was holding
a wounded seagull.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team?

Is that your nickname for David?



LAUGHTER

SHE LAUGHS

I think it might be.

First of all, why were you
holding a wounded seagull?

I was taking it to a vet. Right.

Can I...? Can I ask where was this

and what was the event
that Prince Charles was attending?

It was in London.

I saw him
out of the window of my car.

You were driving?

LAUGHTER

Initially, the seagull was
on the passenger seat... Right.

..but it got a bit jumpy...
I've seen you drive.

So I picked it up

cos I was worried
it would flap around the car.

So, basically
you're driving like Rod Hull?

LAUGHTER

It was wrapped in a blanket.

Why did you have
an injured seagull in your car?

I'd seen an injured seagull...

in the road... Yeah.

..and I picked it up
to take it to a vet.

Prince Charles was standing
on the steps of a town hall,

a grand building, and he waved...

I suppose... He waved at you?

Well, I think he was waving
more generally.

I felt I should wave,

but that would have required
letting go of the seagull.

Did the seagull
get treated by the vet?

Did the seagull recover?

Do you know where
the seagull is now?

Do you keep in touch?
He's here tonight!

LAUGHTER

The vet practice accepted
the seagull for treatment.

I don't know what became of it.

And then you just left him there?
Yes.

Well, let me tell you what happened
to that seagull. Don't say that!

Before you got
back into your car....

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Sorry, that was a duck.

Can I just ask you a question, Rob?

Have you hosted a light
entertainment programme before?

They were very nice about it.

I said, "I found this
little creature in the road."

I let them keep the blanket.

How sentimental was the blanket?

Not very.

So what does David hold now
when he's stressed?

LAUGHTER

Have you always had
a soft spot for wounded animals?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right. What do you think, Asim,
is she telling the truth?

I kind of want to believe it
cos it's a lovely story,

but I don't know.

If he really waved at her,

she's dropping the seagull,
she's waving back.

At least she'd have
lifted the seagull a bit.

Going, "Look, I can't wave!
Seagull!"

Don't worry. It's not a swan.

LAUGHTER

So what's it going to be, Lee?

We'll say it's a lie.
You say it's a lie.

OK, Victoria.

Were you just telling us the truth
or were you telling us a lie?

It was...

..true.

APPLAUSE

It's Greg.

I was once dragged into
the headmaster's office

after I was caught
leaning out of a window

and firing a creme egg
into my friend's mouth

with a catapult.

LAUGHTER

Was this when you were a teacher
or a pupil?

I'm ashamed to say
it was when I was a teacher.

So can you describe the set-up?

I was teaching in a drama studio
on the ground floor

and I could see my friend
who was teaching economics

on the second floor
at the end of the building.

So it's across...?

Is there like a courtyard
in between? Yeah, a playground.

Playground.

You went to different schools,
didn't you?

That's, um...

Did the moat not get in the way?
Or was it...?

LAUGHTER

Right. Goody, goody,
the bell's gone,

let's go to the courtyard.

LAUGHTER

You're firing
over the croquet lawn...?

I'd confiscated a catapult
that morning from a child.

OK.

I was in my drama studio.

There's an office.

I closed the door
and let the children do

whatever they used to do
in my lessons.

And I hung out of the window.

I saw my friend Gavin. Yeah.

And I went...
HE WHISTLES

It was the height of summer.
Right.

So Gavin is in the middle of
an economics lesson.

GREG WHISTLES
And he goes, "Oh, there's my friend.

"Gosh, he's holding
an unwrapped creme egg."

And he goes...

LAUGHTER

It wasn't quite that instinctive,
I...

I waved the catapult at him
and he was baffled at first,

and then I could see him
distracting his children

by setting them some mundane task.

Then I revealed the unpeeled egg...

Which by now, by the way,
#heightofsummer, melting.

They melt very fast.

Here's the thing, Claudia,

I genuinely had a mini fridge
in my office because...

LAUGHTER

I did because I regularly
abused the drama budget.

I'm sorry, but I was very bored.

I bought a...
I bought a mini fridge.

And just to add colour,
I'll tell you this,

I bought a top-of-the-range
DVD player

and I swapped it for one
that my grandmother had given me.

So I took the really nice one home.
Separate, separate story.

Can we just say... Can we say
that we believe that story?

I've got a technical question
about the window... Yeah. Good.

..because in schools,
windows only open

to a very small, certain point,
so the kids can't jump out.

Especially on the second floor.
How rough was your school?

You couldn't open it
in case they jumped out?

Yeah, yeah, just in case they jumped
out and drowned in the moat.

So, basically...

LAUGHTER

You've got a... That window will
only open to a certain point.

The window did only open half,
so Gav had to get on his knees

and position his head,
his head virtually filled

the amount of window that was open.

It was a slide-up window.

Where was the headmaster
at this point?

Walking through
playground/courtyard?

He was... He was in his office,

I imagine, pretending to do work.

And here is the thing
that will convince you

one way or the other straight away.

I would say it was 25 foot,

and Gavin did catch it
in his mouth.

APPLAUSE

What are they clapping?

You lot are going to feel so stupid
if that's a lie.

What do you think, David's team?

Does it ring true for you?

I do believe the lie is
being packaged with real stuff.

So confiscation of...
The mini fridge is true.

Yeah. The confiscation... Yeah.

Everything around the lie is true,
but the lie is still a lie.

OK. Let's go. Let's go.
We'll go lie.

We think it's a lie.

Greg, was it the truth
or was it a lie?

There were elements of truth,

but, yes, damn you. It was a lie.

APPLAUSE

Lee?

Because I'm so scared of cutting
my fingernails, once a month,

I'll have a large glug of
Night Nurse

and ask my wife to do it
while I'm asleep.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

Why are you so frightened
of cutting your fingernails?

Because, when I was a child,

my grandad was cutting
my fingernails

and it flew off
and it went in my eye,

the fingernail,
and I had to go to A&E

because he couldn't get it out.

Ever since then,
I've been too scared.

People get specks of dust out
of their eye.

How did a fingernail...?

My grandad fought in the war.

And, sadly, only had
a thumb and one finger,

just enough to use a pair
of scissors,

but not enough to then start getting
things out of eyes.

So he'd lost three fingers
on each hand?

He lost five fingers on this hand.

Three fingers on this hand.

And just those two fingers.

That's all he had.

And his name was Edward.

And you wouldn't believe
what his nickname was.

LAUGHTER

It's quite hard to hold scissors
with just two fingers, isn't it?

I know, the man was a genius.

In between, sorry,

in between the incident
which was when you were a child,

shall we say, eight or nine?

You can say what you want.

LAUGHTER

How old were you with the incident
as a child? 15, 16?

LEE: Eight or ten, I was.

OK. Eight or ten. Then, then...

And then the next person
to cut your nails is your wife.

Did you meet her at 11. 12?

I can't remember the time.

I'm guessing in your twenties.
Um, yeah.

So who cut your nails for
13 years, Lee?

My mum used to cut my finger nails
for me till quite, quite...

Till I was quite old.
With the Night Nurse?

No, no. Just her.

LAUGHTER

Did the Night Nurse solution
immediately present itself

or did that come later?

No, my.... My mum, um...

I don't want to get my wife jealous.

You know what they're like
with mothers and stuff.

My mother had a more gentle touch.

She was able to cut my fingers
in a way that wasn't traumatic.

Not your fingers, your fingernails.

Did I just say fingers? Yeah.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Rob.

I have to say that'd be
a remarkably gentle touch,

if she could actually
cut your fingers off...

She would have been
the surgeon of her generation.

No, she didn't need...

They didn't need anaesthetic
with her.

So silky with the scalpel work.

My fingernails, she cut
my fingernails very gently.

You know, you've met my wife.
She's got massive brutish hands.

She's...

She hasn't got that delicate touch.

Remember when she met you last time
and she sort of gripped you

by the hand and you fainted?
Yes. Yes.

GRUFF VOICE: Hiya, Rob!

What about your previous
girlfriends?

It's fair to say,
in my younger days,

that some of the girlfriends
had daintier hands than others.

The Night Nurse started on about
girlfriend number three,

I think it was.

Girlfriend number two
was using chloroform.

She was particularly brutish.

One of them took me to the vets.

LAUGHTER

What are you thinking, David?

For me, it's the things that he said
that aren't believable.

If I had to pin it down,

it would be all of the things
that he said.

After he'd read the card? Yeah.

We're going to go lie. OK.

So they think it's a lie.

Lee, were you telling the truth
or was it a lie?

It is, in fact...

..a lie.

Claudia, it's your turn.

OK.

To give myself 15 minutes' peace,

I once put my child
on one end of a seesaw

and a bag of potatoes
on the other.

Right. When was this?

A while back.

He was three.
Three?! So he was three?

Yes. I mean, I like them.

Don't get me wrong, but I'm not
good in a playground.

It was in a playground? Yeah.

Why did you take the potatoes
to the playground?

Because I... Good. Because...

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, everyone.

No, because it was in
the countryside.

There's potatoes everywhere.

There's just stuff.

It wasn't a shop-bought
bag of potatoes?

You just gathered wild potatoes?

It was a farm shop,

Bedfordshire
where my Aunt Bridget lived.

I'm not lying. Find her. And...

Claudia, you are lying, aren't you?
No!

How many times did this happen,
Claudia? It's like a sack.

It happened all weekend,
from the moment we got there

for her 70th, until
we left on a Sunday afternoon.

Isn't the fun of a seesaw
that there is continual movement?

There was continual movement.

How? Because potatoes are
famously static. No.

He would kick off with his thing.
It would go down.

Then it would slowly, "Eeeh."

And giggling.

"Mama" Clapping,
well, not clapping hands.

Hold on!

LAUGHTER

That's how he sounds.
How far would you push this?

Like, you and your other half,

were you, like, thinking,

"Well, we could go out tonight
to Wetherspoons and have a drink."

"We can't leave him on his own."

"Don't worry, we'll leave him
with the potatoes."

There were loads of us...

Why didn't you get one of them
to go on the seesaw?

Because no adult
can get on the seesaw.

It's that size...
It's getting smaller!

Whatever it is...

What I'm hearing is, there's not
one member of your family

that wants to play with your child,

and so you had to create a friend
in a sack of potatoes.

No! So what do you think, Lee?
CLAUDIA: I feel bad.

What's your team thinking?

What do we think?

I'd go for true.

Do you? Really?

I mean, did you hear the story?
I mean...

LAUGHTER

Can I chip in on this?

Don't say chip in... Oh, yeah...

LAUGHTER

I don't believe it for a second,
and I'll tell you why.

Because I don't believe that Claudia
would be sufficiently bored

by her child to stick
some potatoes on a seesaw.

I think she would be
fully engaged with that child.

It's interesting cos I think
it's truthful because she strikes me

as phenomenally sort of neglectful.

LAUGHTER

No, it was only the seesaw.

Everything else,
I used to lick him to sleep.

Lick him to sleep?!

What's it going to be?
I think Claudia's a good mum,

so I'm going to say it's a lie.
I think it's true. All right.

There's no such thing as a good mum
and a bad mum. There are mums

who have good days and there are
mums who have bad days.

Yeah, and I...
CHEERING

Come on.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Lucy, let me tell you a few things
about MY mum.

She once sat me down in a chair,
cigarette in one hand,

glass of wine in the other.
She said, "Son, there's something

"I need to tell you.

"That's not your real dad."

And she pointed to
a large sack of potatoes.

Now, tell me that's
not bad parenting.

We're going to say you are lying.

They're saying it's a lie. Claudia,

truth or lie? Please be a lie.
Please be a lie. It is...

..a lie. Oh! Oh!

I'm so pleased.

Kiri, you're next.

I always answer the front door
with a spanner in my hand,

so if it's someone I don't want
to talk to, I can tell them

that I'm busy fixing the sink.

Lee's team. Why don't you just not
answer it? That's what I do.

Oh, because it might be someone
that I want to see.

Do you have a lot of people
just popping round? Yeah.

I live in a terraced street,

so there's all sorts of
rough stuff happening.

Can you give me an example of
someone you wouldn't want to see?

Next door but two.

Well, you're saying that
on national television.

Nut, hey, it could be either way.
Yeah. Yeah.

Unless you live at the end,
you've had it.

So, what sort of thing
would they be asking for?

Sometimes they knock on

and they want to know if
their child is in my house.

What makes them think that
you might have their kids?

Because...
LAUGHTER

Because their children are
everywhere all the time

and they get into the back.
We've all got, like...

We share a ginnel
and they get into the back yards.

Do you have a technique, David,

if people ever come to your house
and you're concerned that

it might not be somebody
you want to entertain?

I wouldn't believe you
if you had a spanner,

let's put it that way.

No, I don't own any tools.
But what do you do?

I have quite an off-putting
presence.

If you had a quill...

If you came to the door with a quill
and said, "I'm busy..."

I'd go, "Fair enough, David." I'd
love to let you in, but I'm a ghost.

Jo, how do you see off
unwanted callers?

I just say, "I've just wet myself,
can you give me a hand?"

That sees them off.

Do you live with anybody?
Do you live alone?

No, I live with my partner.
So there's two of you? Yeah.

So they're always thinking,

"Why's it always her
that has to fix the sink?"

What do you mean? Why can't you
mix up for sink fixing?

Because I'm a feminist. But...
Yeah, get with it, Lee.

But feminists should be fixing
the sink 50% of the time.

APPLAUSE

Oh, look at you! Won them over.

We still get paid 25% less for it.
It's unbelievable.

APPLAUSE

So what are we thinking, Simon?

I think it's a lie. Why?

Just from what she's told us over...

LAUGHTER

I don't think it's true.
You don't think it's true? OK.

Well, I'm... I don't think it's true
either, then.

Kiri, were you telling the truth
or was it a lie?

It is a...

..lie.

Liz, you're next.

OK.

I once had to present a segment
of Blue Planet Live

with one arm hidden behind my back

because my hand was stuck
in a tube of Pringles.

Lee's team. When was this?

This was a couple of months ago.
Oh, recently, then? Yeah.

And where were you? We were on
Heron Island in Australia,

and I was sent to Heron
to present all the stories

about the coral reefs and
the sea birds and the sea turtles.

Were there any seals on the island?

No. No? No.

Before we carry on,
why is that relevant?

LAUGHTER

Because Sharon may like seals.
That's a perfectly good question.

Were there any penguins there?

LAUGHTER

No. Do you mean the biscuits
or the...? Oh!

So you're about to
go on live television

and you're eating some Pringles?
Well, look, the reason why

I was telling...
Once you pop, you can't stop.

APPLAUSE

Although, if that's the case, why
is there a resealable lid? Yeah.

Of course, as I'm sure you know,
there are lots of brands of crisps.

Sorry, Liz, go on. You're never
really told exactly when

you're going back on air.
So, "OK, coming to you, Liz."

And I had to go like this.

So your hand was in it
and you couldn't... Really?

Yeah. Have you ever tried, you know,
that if you got two

of them like that and you put it
here...? And you're like a platypus,

yes. Yeah. Yes.

So, how long did you
have to keep the hand hidden?

Um, not that long,
because I threw to a VT.

So you go, "Welcome back to Heron,
dah, dah, dah.

"And earlier we did this.
Take a look at this."

Right. Throw to VT,
lose the crisps tube.

Did it just fly off
when you went like that? Yeah.

Oh, it just came off quite easily?
Because a minute ago

it was stuck. Now it's just flying
off when you want it to come off.

And now it's bobbing around
in the Pacific.

You didn't just sort of...?
LAUGHTER

A couple of dead sea birds in it
now. Moments after...

Moments after,
we did a piece about plastic.

What are you thinking?

I think it's a lie.

Purely because you're
so professional... That's why.

..I don't think you would be eating
crisps so close to transmission.

When you make a lot of TV, you know,
you can get to the point where

you sort of lose respect
for the whole...

Pretty much... you know...
What he said.

You know, you get to the point
where you don't really... Ugh...

LAUGHTER

Sharon, does this
strike you as true?

I haven't got any trousers on.
LAUGHTER

And guess what, it's stuck
in a tube of Pringles.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said.

LAUGHTER

What do you think, Sharon?
Is it true? No.

Well, I'll go with my team
and say it's a lie, then.

You say it's a lie. OK, Liz,

was it a lie or were you telling
the truth?

It actually was a...

..lie.

It's Lee.

11 years ago,

I did a very bad thing
in the kitchen.

The time has finally come
to confess all to my wife.

David's team. Um...

What... what did you do?

I broke a pot, a cooking pot
that you bake chickens in.

You roast chickens in.

What? OK. Chicken pot!

What was so special about
the chicken pot?

Good question, Greg. Thank you.
Any ideas?

LAUGHTER

Was it a wedding present?
It wasn't a wedding present, no.

It was terracotta,

and it's got a lid on it. Heavy.

Yes, it's pretty deep, man.
LAUGHTER

Genuinely is, it's about that deep.

And you put the thing,
you put the lid on,

and the thing about
these terracotta pots

is you're not supposed to wash them.

The pot absorbs the flavour
over the years.

I had about an hour
before she was coming home

and I knew she would not be
happy about this,

so I raced to the local kitchen shop

and fortunately got the exact same
pot. How many years...?

I had about half an hour to age it.

How many years
had the previous one been ageing?

Oh, seven years.

So you had to do seven years'
worth of casseroling... Yeah.

..in... In half an hour.
..in half an hour? No, I, um...

I had to make it look like
it was weathered.

How did you do that?

First of all,
I put a bit of soil on it.

Then I put Marmite on, and then
baked it very quickly on a high heat

and then scraped the Marmite off.

Then I got sandpaper,
bit of sandpaper on it. Yeah.

All this in the half an hour...

Unbelievable speed.
..before she got home?

When she arrived home,
did she suspect anything?

Well, I was with another woman
in bed, but apart from that, no.

LAUGHTER

How did you break it?

Well, I was fixing something
with a screwdriver and I got

in a bad mood and I threw
the screwdriver down.

You threw a screwdriver so hard

that it shattered an ancient cooking
pot? Didn't shatter it. Cracked.

And it's not ancient, but the word
pot was correct in that sentence.

Did you say you...?

I threw it down, it bounced
and it just chipped it a bit,

but it was enough to make my wife...
She would have noticed that chip.

So... you said... Just let me have a
drink and have a think about this.

I'm not even married.

LAUGHTER

Why did you feel that
a seven-year-old cooking pot had so

much sentimental value for your wife
that it was worth all this trouble?

Oh, did I not mention
her grandmother's ashes inside?

LAUGHTER
Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, that's quite relevant.
Sorry, I forgot that.

Did you also burn another old lady?

LAUGHTER

All right. It's time to decide.

Victoria? I have met Lee's wife.

She's an extremely sophisticated

and nuanced woman
with many interests.

I don't think she'd be so...

Whoa, whoa, what do you mean,
"many interests"?

What do you know that I don't?

I... What are you saying?
..can't believe that

a seven-year-old pot would loom
so large that you would feel unable

to tell her. That's because
when you come round to my house

and you're with my wife
and we're having dinner,

she's pleasant and she's nice.
LAUGHTER

She's lovely, she's calm. The
second we wave you off, like that,

"Bye. See you. It's been lovely.
Close that door."

She goes, "You embarrassed me again,

"with your TV friends!

"That posh one with the beard
kept staring at me!

"And I didn't like her husband
neither!"

OK, I've got a couple of
extra questions. Oh, Lord.

Did you say it wasn't cracked,
it was just chipped?

It was, it was.. Was it usable?

Um, yes, it was definitely usable.

You'd have been able to say,
"I'm really sorry, I've chipped it,

"but the thing that
you so love about it,

"all this accumulated flavour,
is still there.

"It's not affected by a tiny chip."

Not all there.
There's a tiny bit missing.

And actually, apparently, all the
flavour comes from the sweet spot.

And that's what had gone. Where
was...? I remember as it

chipped off, I went, smelt the pot,
nothing. I took this little piece...

Ooh! Wow!

Even though the functionality
of the pot is unaffected,

you thought she'd be so furious
at superficial damage to it...

Not superficial. It is superficial.
No, it isn't superficial.

I haven't told you the size
of the chip, have I?

No. You just... You simulated it.
Yes. You went like that.

Yeah, but you don't know
how I'm holding it.

I'm holding it by the edge of...
LAUGHTER

..by the edge of it.

It goes round here...

APPLAUSE

All right, um... David, it's time
to get a grip and make a decision.

Sorry, so you...
The flight of the screwdriver...

Could I just, just, just...?
The pot was ruined, David!

That's all you need to know. Yeah,
but when you said the pot...

There you go, David!
Do you know what?

I wish I'd have taken my chances
with my wife at the time!
LAUGHTER

This is unbearable!

It is time to decide.

Second question... No, no, no!

..what did you do
with the damaged pot?

I hid it to begin with,

and then over the next couple
of days, when she wasn't looking,

I slowly...
Dragged it towards the door!

I moved it very slowly...
Cos she only notices things

when they move?
LAUGHTER

Is she a Tyrannosaurus rex?

She would be sat there with a glass
of water, watching the television,

I would come down with a step

and she'd see
the water shimmer like that.

LAUGHTER

"What are you doing?!"
"Nothing, darling!"

So, David, it's time to decide.

Yeah. Was Lee telling the truth?

Well, what do you think?

I think it's a lie.
What do you think?

It can't be true.

I think it might be true, but
I'm not going to overrule my team.

We'll go lie.

Lee, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?

I'm sorry, my dear,

it's true!
GASPS AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's all we've got time for

on this special edition
of Would I Lie To You?

Thanks very much for watching.
Goodnight.