Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 13, Episode 2 - Episode #13.2 - full transcript

Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?

The show with naked truths
and well-dressed lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a TV presenter and host of Crufts.

Yes, she's the face
of competitive dogging.

It's Clare Balding.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an actor who once starred
alongside David Hasselhoff.

I know what you're thinking -
Pamela Anderson's let herself go.

From People Just Do Nothing,

it's Asim Chaudhry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

a Radio 1 DJ who used to host
the afternoon drive-time slot,

or as his young listeners would
call it, the breakfast show.

It's Greg James.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a columnist, presenter
and professional poker player

who took the biggest gamble
of her life

when she married David Mitchell.

LAUGHTER
It's Victoria Coren Mitchell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Round One,
Home Truths,

where our panellists
read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.



They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Greg, you're first up tonight.

OK.

To help me relax,
there's nothing I like more

than spending up to four hours...

Where is this going?
LAUGHTER

To help me relax, there's nothing
I like more than spending

up to four hours in what I like
to call one of my special baths.

Oh, God.

I rest my case.

Lee's team.

OK. What is this special bath?

A special bath is...

..when the lights are down low...

Yeah... a candle is lit... Yeah.

..there's bubbles or salts, either.

I have been known sometimes to watch
Would I Lie To You in the bath.

You watch us in the bath? Yeah.

Wow.

Can you see us in the bath?

No, no. No, he doesn't watch us
in the bath...

..he watches us, in the bath.
LAUGHTER

I didn't know anyone knew
we bathed together.

So, I mean...

It's slightly annoying that
I'm not watching this one

in the bath now, because I'm sort
of used to sitting with you all

in the tub. But you might,
in future, watch this in the bath.

At some point. So at the moment,
we're being watched by you...

It's like a particularly dull
instalment of Back To The Future.

You say that, Rob, but for me...

..this is the most erotic
conversation I've ever witnessed.

Yeah, but you are married to David.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So the special bath involves
candles, low light, iPad,

anything else?

I'll just sit there and I
sort of have...

Sometimes I have a glass of wine.

You can float it in the water
if you have a... You can...

I've perfected that.
Are we still talking about the wine?

Yes. How do you float
a glass of wine in the bath?

Well, you just balance it...
What are you resting it on?

It's simple physics. If you have
the right amount of wine in it,

it sits upright. The stem
must work as a sort of keel.

It does, it works... Yeah.

You've done this before!

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

And then, also, sometimes,
I enjoy having cheese

in there with me as well, cheeses.

Cheese?

What's that floating on?

Well...

I'm glad you asked!

I'm glad you asked, because
sometimes, I've been known

to fashion a...
What I call a foil barge.

LAUGHTER

Where the cheese sort of floats
around. It sort of orbits me,

as I'm sat there, with some
crackers, maybe, on the soap stand.

You're a very tall man. Yes.

So do you have a very,
very long bath?

No, I just sort of sit...
Yeah, four hours!

What are you thinking?

Four hours is extreme,
but I've been known to spend

two hours. I don't know.
I think four hours is too long.

Yeah, I think, yeah, four hours
is too long. I'd say lie.

It's a lie. You're saying
it's a lie? OK, so Greg,

truth or lie?

That is a...

..truth.

Asim, you're up next. OK.

To make sure I went down
as an all-time school legend,

I deliberately scored
a spectacular own goal

in our end-of-term Cup Final.

David's team? You just wanted to
make a name for yourself? Yeah.

I wanted to, you know, be memorable.

You know, no-one really remembers
the kind of average guy,

but they remember that kind of,
you know, the wacky guy

who scored an own goal. The idiot.

Yeah - the idiot.

What was the reaction to you?
What was that?

Well, first, it's like, you know, my
team were like, "What you doing?"

Like, "This is ridiculous."

But, you know, afterwards
they were like,

"That was legendary, mate,"
you know?

How long after? Sort of five,
ten years after?

But the thing is, though, the reason
why it was so spectacular

is that it wasn't just
a normal own goal.

I didn't just, you know...
It was a kind of a scissor kick.

Now, you're looking at me
and going,

"This isn't the physique
of a football player."

That's absolutely right.

But if you see me on, like,
Soccer AM or some other shows,

you'll see that I've got
tekkers, mate.

You know what they say, you know?

You either - what is it? -

die a hero or live long enough
to become a villain.

So, I was like... Who says that?

I think I got the quote wrong.

Is that the quote? Not quite.

You know what I mean.
Can I ask a question?

What were you known for at school
before that incident?

I was... Misquoting people.

I was complete, like, school clown.

I used to... I actually got
an award for bunking in school.

I was never there. They gave
me the "early bird" award.

I used to turn up in the morning,

sign in and then go out.

I did stuff like that. I was zany!
The teachers gave you a prize?

Yeah, at the end of, like, year 11.

Had they fully understood
their role?

Looking back, I don't think they did
because I was really proud

of that award. So, in a sense,
the school is at fault

if this is true, because
essentially they've established

an educational environment
where doing what is ostensibly

the opposite of the aim of
the exercise is to be rewarded.

You said, "No, I'm not going to do
the obvious thing and score

"in the opponent's goal."

And how many serial killers
went to your school?

I quite enjoy the vision
there of parents' night.

The first parents' night
for you two, I think,

that school
is going to be trembling.

You say that - if you look
at that line-up there,

doesn't it look as if they're just
dropping their Greg

off at university?

Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,

he's not your biological son.

You are David's far more beautiful,
younger, second wife...

..and you don't get on with Greg.

That's coming across.

What are you going to say?

Oh, Greg, you must know more
about football than we do.

I think it's true.
You think it's true?

I think he's a big enough clown to
have done that.

What do you think?

I think if Greg thinks it's true...
I think it's true... let's say true.

She's trying to bond
with her stepson.

Asim, was it true
or were you telling a lie?

It was...

..a lie.

Clare, you're next.

Um, I have a possession.

Oh, right. Now, then,

let's please bring on
the possession.

Aw!

Oh, yes.

This is Dexter.

When I judged a "dogs who look
like celebrities" competition,

he was the winner.

Hello, Dexter. OK. OK.

Very nice to see you... again.

Yes.

Go on - what's the celebrity?

Denis Healey.

So, you just... You need to have
a proper look at Dexter's face

and specifically his eyebrows.

There we go. Can I come and see?

Yeah, come and see Dexter.

Someone might have to tell
Greg who Denis Healey is.

That was my next question.

Denis Healey was the Chancellor of
the Exchequer under a Labour

government in the 1970s. And he
was known for big eyebrows.

He had huge eyebrows - that's the
big thing. And he used to walk round

on all fours! I have literally
never seen a dog

that looked more like Denis Healey,
I'm sorry.

Let's have a look. Uncanny.

Dexter! Oh, yes.

What a Silly Billy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Name three - quickly - three other
breeds of dog and the celebrities

they resembled. You will do
it in your own time, thank you.

A blonde Afghan hound that looked
like Tess Daly...

..a Staffordshire bull terrier
that looked like Vladimir Putin,

a Portuguese water dog
that looked like Cher...

..and obviously Dexter.

So, were you the sole judge? I was.

This is a big dog event
that I go to.

Well, what is the event?

Dogfest. Have you not been? Dogfest?

Hm. People bring their dogs
and there are lots of activities.

They've even got a diving
pool for dogs.

My job is to judge

the "dog who looks like
a celebrity" competition.

Is Denis a good swimmer? Dexter.

Yeah, but you know, Denis.

It may be that Dexter is unaware

that he's impersonating
Denis Healey.

He may not have immersed himself in
the role to the extent he's going,

"Denis is swimming now. He's
worried about interest rates."

So the dog looks uncannily

like Denis Healey?

The dog is astonishingly
like Denis Healey.

When you're told that dog looks like
Denis Healey, I agree he looks like

Denis Healey. Would you have walked
down the street and said to David,

"Did you see that dog?

"He was the spit of Denis Healey."

Or even, "I think that
was Denis Healey."

This is where I'm up to. That dog -

one - is definitely called Dexter.

Two - definitely looks more like

Denis Healey than the waxwork

that wouldn't be in Madame Tussauds,
because who would go to see it?

The question is whether
Clare knows him. Yeah.

Well, strictly speaking,
this is supposed to be a possession.

Yes. You know, the round
discipline's gone because...

..I don't think Clare is even
asserting that she owns Dexter.

So, in a way, it's not her
possession, is it? Exactly.

So, for me, the programme's
rather spoiled.

What do you think?
I do trust Clare Balding.

I think it's actually true.

I don't trust Clare Balding.

I'm going to stick my neck out.
I think, well done,

whoever found that Healey-like dog.

Remember, Healey, if it's not true,

Healey was of Clare's invention.

just now, after just looking
at the dog. There's no

Denis Healey mentioned
on the card, is there?

Was Healey on the card?
Oh, you're good at this! No.

It must be true. It must be true.

So, you think true?

Oh, I'm really confused.

Do you both think true? We do,

but I think we're confused...
We're true.

..and I feel like we're
angering you, so... No.

No. I've upset Dad again!

I've been very, very angry
for very many years.

Um... Don't look at your wife
when you say that, David.

Let's say true.

You think true? True. True.
We're going to say true.

All right. They're saying true.
Clare, was it...?

Don't scratch, Dexter.

Was it true?

He's going to have a lick now.

Oh!

He's been watching Lee.

APPLAUSE

Right, Clare,

were you telling the truth

or was it a lie?

It was...

..true.

It's true. Clare did award Dexter
first prize in a celebrity lookalike

contest, and we have a picture.

Look at this.

Denis is on the left.

Thank you very much, Dexter.

Well done. Thank you so much.

Our next round is called

This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one

of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who is telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Stuart.

So, Victoria, what is Stuart to you?

This is Stuart.

He once laughed so much

at something I said on Only Connect

he passed out.

Right, so, Victoria's fainting fan.

Greg, how do you know Stuart?

This is Stuart,

and when I opened his butcher shop,

he paid me in sausages.

Greg's butcher buddy,

and finally, David, what
is your relationship with Stuart?

This is Stuart.

He's the lollipop man...

He's the lollipop man whose
lollipop I held...

..when he was suddenly called away
on non-lollipop-related business.

So there we have it. Lee's team -

where do you want to begin?

Right. I've seen Only Connect.

First question -
what was the team called?

No, he wasn't on the show.

Oh, he was in the audience?

A viewer at home.
Oh, he's a viewer at home?

Well, you'll know, Lee,
because you've seen the show,

one of my hilarious jokes...

LAUGHTER

He actually passed out
at home from laughing.

Right. Do you want to have a little
bit of time

or do you want to tell us
that hilarious joke?

But before you do, I must
warn you, watching at home,

you might want to turn
the volume down.

What Victoria is about to say
could kill you.

It wasn't really a joke.
It was a story.

So one of the clues...

It was a picture clue
and it was Schnorbitz.

Bernie Winters' dog?
Yeah, the dog, exactly.

Very well done.

Obviously, you'd have to identify
all four to get the points, but...

And I told a story as background
to the question

about the time that Schnorbitz fell
into Terry Scott's swimming pool

and had to be rescued by
Barbara Windsor.

Control yourself, Stuart.

That story resulted in somebody
laughing so much...

Well, my God, it's the way
you tell them!

I think what really got Stuart
might have been my subsequent quip.

"That's a party
I'd like to have been at."

No.

Even with that.

Even with that, I'm...

I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's a nice, witty comment.

I could crack a smile at home. I
might even, if I was watching, go...

It's not necessarily a joke.

I think it was just...
It's a funny story.

Is it not true that the average
Only Connect audience member

may be a little bit elderly

and people are just
regularly passing out anyway?

A practical question - if this
happened in his house,

how do you know about it?
That's what I was going to ask.

His family wrote to me and said
that he was hospitalised

laughing at something I'd said.

They weren't after money, were they?

No, they said... You know, they
thought I'd like to know about it

because maybe I would send him a
get well soon card, which I did.

All right.

Who would you like to quiz next?

OK, so, Greg... What's the name
of the butcher's?

Sampson's.

Sampson's? Sampson's.

He's risking it a bit, having his
hair cut like that, isn't he?

It's Stuart Sampson, so it's his
butchers. Sampson's butchers.

Because I grew up in Bromley.

It was our local family butcher and
then... He used to butcher families?

But only if they lived locally.

"I'm the local family butcher.

"Do you live locally
and have you got a family?"

He's the family butcher and then

when I left to...

And then I got onto Radio 1

Mum and Dad still know Stuart,

so he said, "Would Greg want to come
down, maybe bring Radio 1 down?"

A bit of press coverage. OK.

Do you like sausages?

Love sausages. Oh, great.

It's the perfect way of paying you

because you don't have to
pay tax on it,

you don't have to declare it.

We don't need to get into that!

But this... We're all
getting paid in sausages.

How far ahead of this gig
did you know that that was...?

Presumably, you were just doing it
as a favour to an old family friend?

Well, we did it as a wacky bit
on the radio.

Oh, it was included
on the radio show?

So, we went to his shop
and we were broadcasting live

from the butchers. OK. Right.

So we sort of opened the...
Cut the ribbon,

but it was a string of sausages.

So, that was the...

And what? Did you do a speech?

Well, I said, "Here we go.

"Welcome to..."

Did you write that yourself? Yeah!

It got better. Oh, right.

There's only one way to go,
though, to be fair.

Now, what about David?

David. Lollipop man.

So, you held his lollipop stick
so he could go and do

non-lollipop duties?

Yes.

So, first of all, what were
the non-lollipop duties?

He had to hurry home

because a sofa was being delivered.

Presumably, then,
he didn't actually return,

so it wasn't a... He didn't return.
It wasn't a short stand-in.

You were... The lollipop man.

Yeah, I was for...

I mean, I would say between
nine and 11 minutes

I was...

Let's just say, like normal people,
for about ten minutes.

Did he give you the uniform?

He gave me his hat and his sort
of fluorey jacket type of thing.

Tabard thing? Yeah,

and the all-important rod of power.

How many children
do you think you helped

cross the road?

Maybe 30. OK,

so between 29 and 31,

and did you...

Did you did you have any banter
with the kids?

No. Did you just do your usual of,

"Hurry up"?

I think I probably... You know,

I went, "Oh, right, this way."
This way?

I think they'd know the way.

Can I ask a question about emotion?

He won't know the answer.

How did you feel when you were
the lollipop man?

Holding the rod of power.

I felt a bit... a bit stressed,

but it went fine.

Only a couple of minor injuries.

Tell us about how it began.

Were you there dropping off
your own child at school

or did you just happen to be on one
of your long runs in the morning?

I mean, what were you doing?

I was dropping off.

I think what Rob's asking is,

"What were you doing within
200 yards of a playground?"

Given - you know, given the court
order. Most people are allowed.

Right.

Hold on a minute.

You... Did David tell you about
this story about the lollipop guy?

that laughed at one of my jokes.

Yes, exactly.
That's what I'm saying!

I'm completely...

Yeah. Come on.

This is new territory
on the show now.

Yeah, I'm in a slightly odd
place philosophically.

Let me say - I'll use
the conditional tense -

were this to be true -
which it isn't -

David certainly would have
come home a bit flustered

and told me what occurred.

David, you've obviously
heard Victoria telling

you about Stuart fainting. Yes.

You've heard about that?

Well, no, because it's not true.

All right. We need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Stuart
Victoria's fainting fan,

Greg's butcher buddy

or David's lollipop lender?

I think it's Victoria. Why?

I just... No, I just..

Because first...

But she told us the joke.

No, I know.

I'd like to say, "All right.

"It was quite amusing,"

but it wasn't even that.

But the punch line was, "Oh,
I would have loved to have been

"at that party."
That was the punch line?

Was that the punch line?

You haven't see my show,
have you? No.

I daren't watch it,
it's too risky. Yeah.

Victoria, how did you feel
when you heard the news?

About the injury?

No, about your husband
being a lollipop man.

I would say it was a mixture

of concerned and delighted.

Right.

To have told a story
that was so funny

someone was hospitalised.

Maybe you'll find out one day. I...

All right. Who is telling the truth?

I think it's Victoria, personally.

I'm just going to put it out there -

it's Greg, and I know
you two don't agree with me.

You think Victoria, you think Greg.

Go on, captain, you decide.

Yeah, you go.
It's me or him. You decide.

It is literally 50-50.

Can I just say it might be me?

We are going to go with...

..Victoria.

Stuart, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Stuart

and I laughed that hard at
Victoria's very funny story...

Yes, Stuart is Victoria's
fainting fan.

Thank you very much, Stuart.

Which brings us to our final round -

quickfire lies -
and we start with...

It's David.

Victoria doesn't know this...

AUDIENCE: Oh!

..but on those very rare occasions

that she does something
I find irritating

I get my own back by sneaking
upstairs and moving her bookmarks.

Lee's team.

When you say Victoria doesn't know
this, surely when she goes to

the book to read the book and she
goes where the bookmark is,

there must be lots of incidents
where she's thinking,

"Am I losing my mind?
I'm not following this book."

Yes, that's exactly what she thinks.

That's your plan.

Victoria, when you're reading
a book, do you ever sometimes

have that feeling of being lost?

I have sometimes opened
a book and thought,

"I didn't think that's where I was."

How many books are you reading
at the same time?

I mean, seven or eight.

David, how many books does Victoria
read at the same time?

Oh, I put it between six and nine.

Do they tend to be fiction,
non-fiction?

What...? Yes, those are
the main two.

And one of the things you said -
sometimes - rare occasions -

Victoria does something that...
I don't want to go into that.

Fire away.

No, I don't want to go into that.

What sort of things are we talking
about? Just behavioural things.

Just the simplest things to do
with things she's said or done.

Maybe when I ask you what the
weather's going to be like and I go,

"What do you think it's
going to be?" and you go,

"I don't think anything.
I've looked at the weather forecast

"and what it says is this."

Little things like... Yeah.
Essentially she holds me responsible

for the weather forecast as if
I've made it. No, she doesn't.

She says, "What do you think
the weather's going to do?"

Perfectly reasonable.

It's not perfectly reasonable.

She's got access to the weather
forecast on her own phone.

It's just these are meteorologists -
sometimes they get it right,

sometimes they get it wrong -
I'm just reading it out.

They are physically sitting further
apart. Have you noticed?

Is there anything, Victoria,
that you might do to David

if he'd annoyed you?

What would your retaliation be
if indeed he is moving...?

Well, he might find out.

Incidentally, I've been
feeling weaker and weaker.

OK. What are you going to say?

I believe in their relationship.

I must be the most naive person here

because... You're invested in it.

I'm emotionally invested in their
relationship, and I think David's

a nice guy, and I don't think he
would do that because that really

would upset her. So, what we're
saying is, if it's true, it's a

really unpleasant thing and a really
bad indictment on their marriage.

Yes. This has taken
a nasty turn, hasn't it?

What's it going to be? I don't want
it to be true, but... I do.

You think it's...?

I want his life to fall apart!
This would be such fun.

I think it's true.
I don't want it to be true.

I'm trying to see the real person.

I... He's a nice guy.

No, the David I know - I don't
think this is unpleasant enough.

Well, you know him.

Oh!

Also, David doesn't like you.

So it's a different relationship.

That's true - yes.

But he doesn't hate me, right?

No!

Even though, Lee, you - on
television - have said you want

my marriage to fall apart, I still

find you an adequate colleague.

Can I ask you a question, David?

Are you still writing
for Clinton Cards?

It's time to decide -

what are you going to say?

I'm going to say true, but I don't
want it to be true. It can't... No.

It's a lie. It's got to be a lie

because it's an awful,
awful thing to do. It is.

You're saying it's a lie...
I really hope it's a lie.

..because nobody would do that.

If this is the truth, it's awful.

They're saying it's a lie.

David, is it true or is it a lie?

It is...

..a lie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up -
it's the end of the show -

and I can reveal that Lee's
team have won... Yes!

..by three points to two.
How did we do that?

Thanks for watching. We'll see
you next time. Goodnight.