Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Series 10: The Unseen Bits - full transcript

CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to
a very special edition

of previously unseen clips from
this series of Would I Lie To You?

Joining David Mitchell tonight...

Claudia Winkleman.

Nick Robinson.

Nadiya Hussain.

David Haye.

Romesh Ranganathan.

Catherine Ryan.

John Simpson.



Professor Kate Williams.

Michael Smiley.

And Jason Manford.

And joining Lee Mack tonight...

Bob Mortimer.

Mel Giedroyc.

Harry Shearer.
Brian Blessed.

Diane Morgan.

Martin Kemp.

Sara Cox.

Hugh Dennis.

And Tracy-Ann Oberman.

So we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.



To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before -

they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

David Haye,
you're first up tonight...

- Possession. - Possession, ah,
there's a box under your desk.

- There's a little card in there...
- Yeah.

Just read the card first
and then show us what's in the box.

This is a dog toy I chew
to release tension before a fight.

Right, now, pop the toy on the desk,
put the box back down.

Do you chew this every fight?

Before every fight, yeah.
Like, day-of situation.

Do what you do, David, before...
Imagine it's before a fight.

TOY SQUEAKS

Can I just say, David,
that your eyes at that moment

definitely said,
"I wasn't expecting that."

- This relaxes you before a fight?
- Yeah.

When you say before a fight,
you mean the hour before?

When I'm in the hotel
before the fight.
I normally get to the hotel...

If I'm fighting at 10pm, I get to
the hotel around four or five,

just chilling out there, I'll just
lie on the bed just thinking...

TOY SQUEAKS

And it makes me feel comfortable.
Then I go to sleep, wake up,

I'm charged - feeling good.

What about the people in the room,
next to you in the hotel,

what are they thinking is happening?

Yeah, do they think you're
making love to a clown?

- Are we allowed to look at it? - Yeah.
- Yes. - Let's have a little look.

TOY SQUEAKS

- Right, it has been quite chewed.
- It has been chewed.

So, what are you going to see, Lee,
is it the truth

or has he made this up?

- I don't know. What do we think?
- No. - You don't think he...?

No, I think that's a lie.

- What do you think?
- It is well-chewed.

- TOY SQUEAKS
- But then, somebody here, backstage,
could have chewed on it

- for a couple...
- That's a hard job, isn't it?

"What am I doing today?"
"Well, it's your lucky day -

"get chewing on that for two hours."

They might have done.

"I hate this job!"

TOY SQUEAKS

"One day,
I'm going to be Director-General."

So what are you going to say?

- We'll go for a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie? - Yeah.

OK, David, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

Bob, you're up next...

I recently had to charm
a spider out of my shoe

by tooting a flute at it.

David's team...

So, where were you?

- I was at home. - So was this spider
a normal British domestic spider?

- Yes. - How big was it, Bob? - It was...

- It's black...but...
- And what colour was it?

It's not the ones that have got
a little body and big long legs.

Sorry, it wasn't the type with
a small body and long legs?

- No. - What type was it? - You can work
the rest out yourself, surely?

- Big body, small legs. - Yeah.
- Was this a gerbil?

- No, that's a bird, you idiot.
- If it was a gerbil,

I would have used a lute!

Honestly...

It's actually just
a very everyday situation.

My wife doesn't like spiders,
very scared of them.

It's kind of my job
to get rid of spiders.

I don't like them either, I'm not
going to use my hands or whatever.

Can you mime the blow moment?

- Don't fall for this. - Sorry?

He gets me with this every week,
don't fall for it, Bob.

"I've got just the thing for you
if you haven't got a flute -

"close your eyes."

Don't fall for it, do not...

- Did you blow it into the shoe?
- Yes, I blew down the flute

to bring it out into the heel area.

- These were a kind of snakeskin
elastic slipper. - Yeah.

Just under the windowsill -

above where the cat litter is...

I put them there cos I wanted to get
that height and it didn't come out.

- So you moved... - I tapped it...
- ..the slipper with the spider in it?

I moved it, facing the cupboard
where I keep the plates -

it's got little holes in it -

and the spider emerged.

So, the spider emerged but didn't
leave the shoe or slipper?

- No, it didn't leave the slipper.
- Didn't leave the slipper...

Had a look around... Back in?

So you were no better off, were you?

I didn't feel like I was better off,

but at least I found out
that we owned a flute, as a family.

If I was scared of spiders,

I wouldn't go anywhere near
that slipper. I'd just leave it.

I'm not that scared.

- I'm ginger about them. - OK.

- Ginger? - Is that right?

- DAVID: It is. - It's a word....

I'm just not sure it's the correct
word in that situation.

You pick something up gingerly.

It doesn't just mean
the flavour ginger.

A ginger nut is not just a biscuit.

It could be a tentative testicle.

LAUGHTER

Do you now know who
the flute belongs to?

- Yes, of course, it was my son's
flute. - Is he a flautist?

No. We hoped he would be, but
he could never find the flute.

APPLAUSE

Well, what are you thinking?

- Well, what I'm confused by is
if you fear spiders... - I do a bit.

..and you believe
that there's a spider in this shoe,

- I think you would be afraid
to move the shoe. - Not at all.

I also think you would have
worried about,

as you go to take the breath to blow
it, you accidentally breathe in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I don't have to breathe in
to breathe out.

LAUGHTER

Michael, which way are you leaning?

It sounds too much like
the surreal world of Bob Mortimer

to be actually the truth,
I think it's a lie.

It's a lie? Do you think it's a lie?

Nobody in the world
owns a flute really, do they?

- We think it's a lie. - You think
it's a lie. Bob, truth or lie?

It was...

A lie.

APPLAUSE

It's John.

OK.

I once saw a six-foot goldfish
in the jungles of South America.

Lee's team.

- Were you working? - I was working.

- What were you doing? - I was filming
this village, this tribe,

and they made me drink
the hallucinogenic drug.

Are you telling us now you imagined
you saw a six-foot goldfish?

Yeah.

I don't think I imagined it -
I mean, he spoke to me.

He can't have been...

APPLAUSE

What did he say?

He said, "How's it going, man?"

And what did you say?

I didn't say very much,
because it isn't very often

that a six-foot goldfish
with a straw hat speaks to you.

It's a rarity.

- I think you'd agree. - Oh, definitely.
- It doesn't happen every day.

He had a straw hat on.

And what did you have?

This hallucinogenic drug they drink,

and I thought I could take
a little sip,

and say, "Oh, yes, how nice,
thank you very much.

"Perhaps I'll drink the rest later,"
or something.

The whole village crowded round
to watch me drink it.

Are you sure they were there, John?

Of course they were there!
I'd crowd around too if I was going

to watch an old white man get off
his face for the first time ever!

And at first, nothing happened,

and I was a little bit disappointed,

and then the moon,

there was a full moon, and it
kind of came down on a spring

right in my face, and the trees
started talking to one another.

Have I still got you with me?

"Back to you in the studio."

"John Simpson, off me face,
Afghanistan."

All right, so what are you thinking?

- I think he probably is telling
the truth. - I think it's a lie.

I say it's a lie too.

OK, they are saying it's a lie.

John, truth or lie?

Well, it's...

true.

APPLAUSE

Kate, you're next.

I used to eat so many carrots
that I began to turn orange.

Lee's team.

Have you always had red hair?

- Yes. - So it wasn't that
that caused it.

They made my face and my hands
and my arms

and this part of me go orange.

How many carrots were you eating?

Well, about 25 on a normal day.

25 carrots?!

Are you talking batons
or real carrots?

Real ones - big, hairy,
organic carrots.

If things got stressful and there
was a lot of things going on,

I could hit up to 50.

50 carrots a day?
Why were you doing this?

Why would you not?
They're really nice.

- No! - They're not THAT nice.

Have you ever tried a Twix?

If you like carrots,
a Twix will blow you away.

Kate, have you ever seen
the original film

The Thing From Outer Space?

James Arness plays the Thing,
about nine feet tall,

and they called him the carrot man.

Is that what inspired you?

LAUGHTER

That's what I call
a very specific question.

I'll tell you, Brian,
I did drink a lot of tea,

I used to drink 25 cups of that,

and I had to stop.

In place of the 25 cups of tea,
I ate carrots instead.

- So the carrots were your
tea methadone. - Yes.

And what did you get off
the carrots with?

Heroin!

And as soon as you stopped,
it stopped, did it?

Well, it was a fight, Lee.
It was a fight to give up

- these things that I'd loved.
- But they're not addictive, carrots.

- They're not like tea.
- How do you know? They really are.

I tell you how I know,
cos I have a few and that's enough.

You're telling yourself
you haven't got a problem, Lee!

So, Lee and team,
what are you thinking of this?

- Could she be telling the truth?
- Kevin.

- I think it's the truth. - OK. Brian?
- I think you're telling the truth.

- OK. - Two truths. - I'll go with
my team. - OK. - My team say true.

They're saying true.

So, Kate, was that the truth
or was it a lie?

My love for carrots

is absolutely true.

Wow!

- Martin Kemp, you're next. - All right.

- Here we go. - Come on, Kempy. Come on!

I was once rescued by
London Underground staff

after my New Romantic pantaloons
got trapped in the escalator.

David's team.

- Can you describe the pantaloons?
- Pantaloons are like..

Oh, he's standing up.

In those days,
they used to come up to about there,

up past your ankles, and they would
kind of bend out like this.

Like pirate's trousers.

Yeah. Like pirate's trousers.
Vivienne Westwood.

How long ago was this?

1980s. Really early, though.
This was before the band started.

So it was while I was still going to
the Blitz, which was kind of...

In the '40s?!

Listen...
LEE IMITATES AIR RAID SIREN

The last of the great pop cultures.

- So, when you say the Blitz,
this is a nightclub. - A nightclub.

And I used to wear these pantaloons.

And one night, we decided to have
a party on the Circle Line

that would completely just keep
going around and around.

Getting down to the Tube,

my pantaloons got stuck in
the escalator.

And how long did it take them
to arrive and free you?

- Oh, it was a good 20 minutes.
- Did it stop?

- Did they turn off the escalator?
- Yeah. It actually got jammed.

- It got jammed? - Yeah, there was some
kind of monitor in it or something.

- It stopped it.
- Back in what day was this? - 198...2?

I don't like the sensors.
There's no sensors back then.

People used to get their fingers
chopped off and all sorts.

- In the early '80s...
- This jammed it. It went right in...

And as soon as you jammed in it,
it stopped automatically?

Yeah, because it pulled
half of my trousers down.

I don't believe that an early '80s
pantaloon would be enough to

stop the mechanism of
the whole escalator.

What decade of pantaloon
would have been able to do that?

- Listen... - Like a real pirate hessian
pantaloon, that could stop anything.

- That is exactly what they were.
- Right.

What are you thinking?

I can see that the Haymaker
is very dismissive.

Well, I think it's a very good point
you make about the mechanisms

- of early '80s escalators. - Yeah.
- Some of them were wooden.

- Yeah.
- I think they'd just keep turning.

I don't think they'd stop
because of a pantaloon.

What year was the digital watch
made? That was like...

- Yeah, that will tie this all up
together. - No, no, no.

You're saying that the time when
they just had digital watches,

they had sensors that sensed when
someone's trousers were stuck

in a lift that stopped?
I don't buy it.

Don't underestimate
the voluminosity of

a Spandau Ballet pantaloon in '82.

They were big. There was a lot of
material in those pantaloons.

Well, there had to be.

- So, what are you going to say,
David? - You think true.

- I think true, yeah.
- And you think lie. - I think lie.

- I think it's a lie. - All right,
Martin, is it a lie or is it true?

This much is...

lie.

David, you're up next.

I've yet to find the courage
to make a contactless card payment.

I considered it once,

but decided that full PIN entry
was the safer method.

Lee's team,
what do you think of that?

What do you fear, David?

- Well, it's a security risk,
isn't it? - Why is it a security risk?

Well, because you don't have
to put in your PIN.

The only security that's relevant
is that you know it's you.

If you know it's fine, contactless
and the PIN is the same thing.

Who among us can be sure of
who we really are?

Where did you consider using it,
David?

I've considered it a few times
in a few places

cos sometimes people suggest it,
which I think's rather forward.

You know, they suggest it -
"I'm sorry, am I keeping you?"

You know, "You haven't got time
for me to enter four digits now?"

- Do you have an Oyster card? - Yes.

Ah, so you're happy with
contactless there?

If the Oyster card gave you
the option of putting in a PIN,

I'd be all for it, but that's never
been set up like that.

And I'm not so weird as to go
into Oyster HQ and ask to have

a particular high-security Oyster
card issued especially for me.

It's very hard to get into
Oyster HQ, isn't it?

You have to get, like, a knife,
and prise it open.

You have to get past
Pearl on reception!

Hey! Come on!

Have you ever used it, then?
Have you used it once?

Erm...

I've yet to find the courage, so no.

- You have a mobile phone.
- I have a mobile phone.

Would you ever use Apple Pay?
We can't call it that. Orange...

Well, we can't do that.
They're a company as well.

Would you ever use, um, Pay?

Would you ever use
your mobile phone?

You can. Cos I sometimes do that.

I'm quite happy
to get my phone out in M&S.

And I feel quite cool.

I hold it and it pays it.

"Do you want the receipt? No".
LAUGHTER

No, I've never paid for
anything like that.

You've never played for anything
with Apple Pay?

- No. - What? What are you talking
about? Have you just got a new...?

Are you starting some new advert
that we don't know about, Rob?

LAUGHTER

All right, so what do you think?

- What do we think? - I'm very scared
of it, so... - Scared of...

- ..I empathise with that,
so, yeah, why not? - Yeah, OK.

It seems so obviously him.

LAUGHTER
You've got to go for a true.

I think he fears it, yeah.
OK. You are saying it's true?

David, you fear contactless payment.

Truth or lie?

It is, in fact...

a lie.

Ooh, he loves it.

APPLAUSE

Tracy-Ann, you are up next.

I have never, ever drunk a can
of fizzy drink in my life.

- What?!
- LAUGHTER

Never. Ever?

There's a limit to
what we can ask here.

- LAUGHTER
- Have you ever had a can of Coke?

- Never. - Oh! Erm...

LAUGHTER

7-Up?

Nope.

Do you not like fizzy drinks?

All the evidence is there,
isn't it?

LAUGHTER

How do you know
you don't like fizzy drink?

Because, to me, even as a child,

water was something that
was natural and lovely and pure.

- Why somebody would stick carbon...
- As a child?

- As a teenager?!
- ..with a whole load of sugar...

Even as a young child,
it just felt like the devil's work.

So, Tracy-Ann, can I tempt you to
try a sugary carbonated drink?

But... Now, would you be willing
to try one of these?

Bring it over.

And, well, let's see how far
I can get in the process.

Look, the whole thing
with the big, famous one.

It's 125 years old.
It's a secret recipe.

The fact that it is still a secret,
after 125 years,

means it was made by the devil.

LAUGHTER

This is a diet drink.
This is full sugar.

And this is also a sugary drink.

Rob, can I ask...

what is the point of this exercise?

LAUGHTER
To see if I'm lying! Well, if...

No, because obviously...
you're clearly going to be capable

of going, "Oh, no.
I don't want a fizzy drink."

You're not going to be
such a fizzy drink addict

that you can't stop yourself
from going,

- "Oh, yes, I do love it!"
- LAUGHTER

"I do love it. Absolutely!"

"Yes, it was a lie
and I'd do it again!"

LAUGHTER

Because, if she is telling the
truth, what a lovely opportunity.

How often have you seen
a grown woman

taking her first sips of
a sugary carbonated drink?

LAUGHTER

- The best thing this can be is cruel.
- LAUGHTER

Right, OK.
Which one are you going for?

That one.

Don't... I don't want...
So, we can lose these two?

- Let's bring it here.
- You haven't sha...

I haven't... Shut your face.

You've made the most light
entertainment bit I've ever seen!

"Lose them two. Those are safe.

"That's your bus fare home".

LAUGHTER
"They're fine.

"You're just playing now
for the red can, love.

"Just the red can!"
APPLAUSE

Where have you come from tonight,
Tracy-Ann?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to give a wave
to everybody back home there?

LAUGHTER
She's gone for the red can.

So, this may or may not be
Tracy-Ann's first time

- drinking a sugary carbonated drink.
- Oh, God! - Go on, Tracey.

Don't drink it if you don't want to!

- Yeah. - You've made your point!

- Have I? Have I?
- You don't have to!

CAN CLICKS AND FIZZES

- LAUGHTER
- I'm getting better at the opening.

No. It's...it's wrong.

- Can you not even sip it? - No.
- I think that's...

So, you're definitively saying
that you are not going to drink it?

- GASPING
- She's drinking it. - Ooh!

Oh, my God! It's everything
I thought it was going to be!

It's disgusting!
LAUGHTER

Ooh, get used that phrase, Rob.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Horrible!

LAUGHTER

All right. There we are.

So, what are you going to say?

Was she acting?

- I think you are brilliant.
- She's been in EastEnders.

Would she be that good an actress

to convince you?
LAUGHTER

I instinctively... I liked the...

- The shining cans were great.
- Yes, yes.

You know, the different colours.

- I think it's a great addition
to the format. - Yes.

LAUGHTER

I think we think it's a lie.

OK. Tracy-Ann...

truth or lie?

- It's the truth. - Ah! - No!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Hugh, you're up next.

As a child,

my family weren't able
to have a dog.

So, instead, we got a cat

and treated it like a dog.

LAUGHTER

David's team?

When you say
"weren't able to have a dog",

was there a medical reason for it?

LAUGHTER

No. It was...

Essentially, there was nowhere

to exercise a dog, where we lived.

So my parents decided that it
wasn't really fair have a dog.

- Where did you live?
- So, I wasn't able...

Well, weirdly, it was called
the Isle of Dogs.

LAUGHTER

What was the cat called?

The cat was called Kisska.

- Kisska? - Yeah.

If anything,
it's quite a feline name. Isn't it?

Well, it was a cat. Of course...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

How do you treat a cat like a dog?

You put it on a lead

and you take it for walks.
LAUGHTER

Isn't that exercising the cat?

That is exercising the cat.

I thought that was the very reason
why you couldn't have a dog.

LAUGHTER

That you were unable to exercise it.

LAUGHTER

Wherever we went during the day,
the cat came with us.

- On a lead. - Yeah, on a lead,
but...but...

the lead isn't really long enough
for a cat,

so we used to tie
a 30-foot washing line...

LAUGHTER

..to the lead, and you could walk
at least 30 yards.

And dry your clothes
at the same time!

When you would take this...
You'd take the cat out in the car,

what would be the arrangement
in the car,

if you were going on a journey?

Well, my dad built the cat a shelf,

which went...

..from the dashboard
of the passenger seat...

- And slotted in... - Can I just say...?

..slotted into the metal of
the headrest.

..if this turns out to be a lie
and they get it right

that it's a lie, you have made life
extremely hard for yourself.

Why couldn't the cat
just be the on the seat?

Why does the cat need a shelf?

Cos the cat couldn't see
if it was on the seat.

So what are you thinking,
David's team?

The thing that I find very
believable, cos I don't think Hugh

would have invented it,
is the shelf.

It's not actually treating
a cat like a dog or like a cat

but just like, I don't know,
like a book.

Or like a catalogue.

- What are you going to say?
- Do you think a lie? - I think a lie.

- I think a lie. - A lie?
Well, we'll say it's a lie.

You're going to say it's a lie, OK.

Hugh Dennis, is it true
or is it a lie?

It is in fact...

- true. - Ah!

Nick, you're next.

I'm the BBC Newsroom's
rock, paper, scissors champion.

Having recently stolen the crown
from George Alagiah.

- Oh, Lee's team. - How often is
the championship?

Quite often at the end of a news
bulletin, people are there.

There's a championship at the end of
every news bulletin?

Not everyone but, you know,
if it's not been a particularly
stressful day.

How often would you say
that you've had

a championship at this
in your office?

Not every day is the championship

but there might be a particular
contest.

I'll ask you one more time,
Nick, and then...

You know how frustrated you get when
you are interviewing a politician?

I'll put it to you.

How often is what you would call
the championship?

I think it's more random
than it is regular.

See, I was often at Downing Street
doing broadcasting...

Is there a delay between
when I'm speaking

and to what your ears
are perceiving?

Cos I want to know,
an average, per year,

how many times you would have
what they call a championship.

And, trust me, I will not stop
asking this question.

- I am persistent.
- Around about 20 a year. - 20 a year.

So you are the current champion.

Who was the one that
you took over from?

- George Alagiah. - George Alagiah.

Who was the previous champion
before George?

- Huw Edwards. - And before him?

- Fiona Bruce. - All right,
let me rephrase the question.

Can you just randomly
list newsreaders?

Because I can't help thinking
that's what's going on here.

There's another easy way.

Why don't you nominate, Lee,

someone in your team to represent
your team in rock, paper, scissors?

So you want to prove he's telling
the truth, we're going to give him

a chance to have a 50-50 chance
of getting...

It's not 50-50, is it?

If you went up against Derren Brown,

I reckon he'd probably win
100% of the time.

Do you know what? Weirdly,

I'm joking but there is actually,
and this is true...

I know there is, so why don't you
try this technique now, you idiot?

OK. That's what I'm trying to
get you to do.

Oh, I see.

So we'll play now, then, between...
It'll be you representing you.

- Right, can I just...?
- You've got to work out

at what point you're going to show
your paper or your...

Because something to do with,

on the third, or they do one,
two, three, and then do it.

Thank you, Sarah.

This show does have a host.

I can guarantee that I'll win
over best of three.

What we're going to do is
I'm going to say something to you

and then you can't pause,

- you've just got to do it. - OK.
- So, are you ready?

Right, can I genuinely say I think
you're a terrible broadcaster.

Here we go.

One, two, three, boom.

- Oh! Rock beats scissors.
He's beaten you. - Oh. - Good, good.

- One-nil. - Don't let him get to you.

Are you ready for the second one?

And can I also say, genuinely,
that your glasses are awful.

One, two, three, boom.

- Oh, paper beats rock. - Yes!

So we've reached possibly the most
tense moment of this competition.

It's a decider. Lee, do you want to
try some subterfuge?

Backstage, you're a bit smelly.

One, two, three, boom.

ALL: Oh!

We've got to try again.
We've got to go again.

I'm running out of insults
and I don't want to say bald.

But you've left me no option.

I didn't know it was going to go to
a penalty shootout.

Here we go.

Can you imagine if this gives me
the draw by number 27?

"I've had your wife!"

- Here we go.
- She still remembers?

One, two, three, boom.

Yeah! Oh, my word. Come on.
That will do, that will do.

The theory still holds.

Cos it would have to be over
a longer period of time.

There has been some scientific
evidence to prove that

if you insult somebody directly
before rock, paper, scissors,

they are slightly more likely
to use scissors.

You're saying somebody got a grant
to do research on that.

- Well, Nick is obviously very good
at it. He's beaten you. - Yes.

Is he the Newsroom champion?

OK, we'll say it's a lie. OK.

Nick, truth or lie?

It is a lie.

Nice work, team. Nice work.

Well, that's all we've time for

on this special edition
of Would I Lie To You?

Thanks for watching. Goodnight.