Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - Episode #10.8 - full transcript

Good evening and welcome to Would I
Lie To You?, the show that separates

the truth from the twaddle.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

an EastEnders actor whose character
has gone insane, been blackmailed,

declared bankrupt, made homeless,
held hostage, been jilted and shot.

He might want to think about moving!

It's Adam Woodyatt!

And a BAFTA award winner
who started out in EastEnders

but left to pursue
a career in acting.

It's Jason Watkins!

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,



a space scientist and astronomer
who once presented a documentary

called Do We Really Need The Moon?

Of course we do. Where else
would we get all our cheese from?

It's Dr Maggie Aderin-Pocock!

And a comedian who when he
was five wanted to be a clown.

Well, I can tell you those
are pretty big shoes to fill.

It's Phil Wang!

So, we begin with
Round 1 - Home Truths,

where our panellists
each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,

they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.

Jason is first up tonight.



Once a week, I go for
a walk on my hands.

Lee's team.

Right. Why?

Because I've always
been able to do it.

How far can you go? I don't know,
well, I once went about...

..60 yards. So once a week
you do, what's an average?

Oh, I don't do that every week.

I do a little walk
around the room every week.

Please don't take this the wrong way
but you don't look like an athlete.

That's kind of you. That's very,
very kind of you.

What does an athlete look like?
I mean...

Not like you.

Well, in fact none of you,
let's be honest.

So you have this ability.

Is this something that you
do publicly or privately?

I do it... I did it at my wedding.

What, you walked down the aisle?

Afterwards at the reception,
I walked to the side of the stage

and my son put a rose in my toe and
I walked back and gave it to her.

I'm glad it was your toe.

Well, what are you
thinking about this?

Listen, I've not read this card out

but I could walk on my hands
if I had to under pressure.

No, you couldn't.

CHEERING

Is there a paramedic?

Here we go. You won't
be able to do this.

If you have not done this before...

I genuinely have never
tried to walk on my hands.

There's no way
you can do this first go.

No. Wait, wait, wait. It's not
good enough. I haven't... Shut up!

No! No. Fair dos,
it's not as easy as it looks.

APPLAUSE

So, what are you going to say then,
in light of your pathetic attempt?

Lee has now given me
the capacity to believe

so I'm going to say, yes, true.
Sorry, Lee doing THAT...

Yes. You thought Lee's on the verge
of getting the hang of it?

I thought I have
to change something...

It was closer than you
thought, wasn't it?

There was a moment
when everyone thought,

he might be able to do this.
No, there was no moment.

There was no moment.
There was a moment when I thought

you were going to kick
that gentleman in the face!

What do we think, Maggie?
I think it's true.

I'll go true as well but he'd better
do a demonstration. All right then.

Jason. Yes?

You walk on your hands once a week.
Truth or lie?

Well, it's actually...

true.

APPLAUSE
There you go.

And now of course, we have the
delightful prospect. Would you?

CHEERING

Where are you going to do it? There.

I see you copied my technique there.

Maggie, you're next.

Possession. Ah.
There's a box under the desk.

Would you first of all read out
the card that's inside the box

and then when you've done that,
place the object on the desk?

This is a piece of rock taken
from the surface of the moon

and given to me by Buzz Aldrin.

I'm currently using it to wedge
my kitchen door open.

All right. David's team.

I mean obviously this is an odd
use of the word "currently."

I mean...

Can I just ask how heavy
is that piece of rock?

Would you like to feel it?

If Buzz Aldrin's got it
from the moon, love to, yeah.

Does that strike you as moon rock?

Has it got a little shine to it?
It does, maybe it's... Yes.

LEE: Can I just say, you three
are looking at that

like you know what proper
moon rock would look like.

When in fact I can't help thinking
you don't know anyway, do you?

I've seen moon rock. Have you?

Admittedly from a very,
very great distance.

It looks just the same.

Thank you very much.

Has it got sort of some
technical scientific name

for the type of rock it is
other than moon rock?

Well, actually, because the moon is
covered in all sorts of chemicals,

which actually come from the
birth of the solar system,

so as things sort of
coalesced and formed,

this is actually sort of a throwback
to the birth of the solar system.

And how did Buzz Aldrin
come to give it to you?

Well, in my capacity at
Sky At Night,

I meet all sorts of characters.

LAUGHTER

I'm aware that Buzz Aldrin
went to the moon.

Yes. I'm quite knowledgeable.

How much of that stuff did
he bring back with him?

He's got a chunk like that still to
give out, you know, decades later.

Does he turn up to every engagement
with a rucksack?

"Here you go, here you go..."

I mean, I think I'd be giving
out little pebbles at most.

I think they famously don't
have pebbles on the moon.

No, but you can break it up,
can't you?

Not into pebbles. I mean, you must
be able to break it up but otherwise

the only bit of moon rock you could
bring back would be the whole moon!

I'm not sure you could fashion
it into the shape of a pebble.

When was this?

Oh, so probably about
six or seven years ago.

You met him to interview
him about, you know...

Going to the moon, mainly.

And he said, and at the
end of the interview,

said, "It's been nice meeting you,
here's a bit of the moon," or...?

Well, actually, I've always
been fascinated by the moon

and so we had this conversation
and we were talking about the moon

and the effects it has on people
and he said well, you know,

here's a bit of the moon for you
to keep for your very own.

And so he gave me some.
You know before he gave it to you,

he didn't pop outside,
did he, for a minute?

Root around the garden!

You didn't see him foraging around
the bins by any chance did you?

OK, so, what do you think, Adam?

Is it adding up for you?

No, it's going to be in museums.

I once went to the Vatican City and
the lump of moon rock that NASA gave

to the Vatican State is on display
there and it's about that big

and I doubt that Buzz Aldrin
would have given you a moon rock,

you know, about 100 times
the size of the rock

that the United States of America
gave to a sovereign state.

You know a lot about the moon
and a lot about moon rock

but I don't think that that is a
piece of moon rock, that's my hunch.

So Jason says lie, Adam says lie...

I also think it's a lie.
Yeah. Right, Maggie.

Truth or lie?

It is actually...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Maggie doesn't use a piece of moon
rock to wedge her kitchen door open.

Adam, you're next.

I now practice mindfulness
and for ten minutes every day

I empty my mind of
all other thoughts

and I do nothing
but stare at a carrot.

Lee's team.

LAUGHTER

Everything up until the last word...

Why would you look at a carrot?

I would show you the picture but
this goes out before the watershed.

It's a particular shape of carrot
and it just distracts me.

What does it...? Well, you can
describe the shape, can't you?

Yes. Is it part of the anatomy?

Yes, that would be correct.
The male anatomy? Yes, it would.

And you find that
relaxing to look at?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm comfortable with that,
that's fine.

It just takes my mind
off of things and I relax.

Can I say, a carrot
doesn't last forever.

Once the carrot rots, do
you use a different carrot?

No, it's pickled.

It's in a jar? Yeah.
Where did you get it from?

Did Buzz Aldrin give it to you?

A couple of years ago,
my wife started...

She got a greenhouse and
she started growing veg

and it was around the same time
I started doing this mindfulness

and I found it was sufficient
to distract me from anything else

I was thinking about because
I just look at it,

start laughing and forget.

So you thought this was
so amusing to look at,

you were willing to
commit it to pickle? Yeah.

So this joke would last forever?

HE GIGGLES

I don't think it's a joke.

But you found it amusing?

Yeah, it's amusing but it's...

But through the amusing-ness
comes the inner peace. Yeah.

So you're looking at...

That's why so many people fall
asleep watching your DVDs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you think, Phil?
Is this adding up for you?

I practice mindfulness myself

and so I know you actually use
parsnips not carrots.

It smells a bit off to me. Maggie?

Also I think you need to get
into sort of a mind state

and I think laughing at a pickled
carrot just isn't going to do it.

So, what are we going to say?
Truth or lie?

It's got to be a lie, hasn't it?

It's got to be a lie. Surely
it's a lie. Adam, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is
called This Is My...

where we bring on a
mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them that has

the genuine connection to the guest
and it's up to Lee's team to spot

who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Matt.

APPLAUSE

So, Adam, what is Matt to you?

This is Matt.
He was my window cleaner

but I had to let him go when I found
out he was afraid of ladders.

Jason, how do you know Matt?

This is my estate agent Matt
and we once were meant

to look at a property but instead
we watched a dog give birth.

Finally David, what is your
relationship with Matt?

This is my car dealer Matt
and I once made him change

the colour of our car twice
because I was offended by its hue.

So there we have it.

Lee's team, where to begin?

Jason. Yes?

You were looking round a house at
the time, were you, to possibly buy?

I was about to, yeah.

We were going to look at a property
and as we approached that,

someone came out of a
neighbouring property and said,

you know, "My dog's in
distress, can you come and help?"

So we did. What assistance did
you think you could give?

Well, we did a
bit of looking on the phones

and working out what we should do.
You were googling it?

Yeah. That is always a
worrying sign for a midwife.

When she called you in, then,

she didn't know that the dog
was about to give birth?

No, she didn't know that
the dog was pregnant.

Wow. What did she think
was wrong with it?

I don't know, that it was sort of,

that the stomach was sort of
distended or something.

Yes. Yeah...

Was she the brightest of people?

LAUGHTER

Did you then go on and
buy that property?

No, because it had a rifle range
next to it so I didn't bother.

There was a rifle range next to this
house and he hadn't mentioned that?

If this is true, he's a
typical shifty estate agent.

And you see, he didn't even smile
or bat an eyelid then,

which means he's used to hearing it,
he's an estate agent.

What was the dog's name,
do you remember?

Penny. Penny?

Ah, the penny dropped.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But what about Adam?

Adam, he was your window cleaner
but you had to get rid of him

because he admitted to being...?
Scared of ladders.

So, how long had he been
your window cleaner for?

About two years. And why hadn't it
caused problems up to that point?

He was working with a partner,
there was another window cleaner.

Oh, he used to do the ground-floor

and the other fella
used to do the top floor?

Yeah. Oh, come on, really?

We just, we genuinely didn't realise
until all of a sudden his partner,

who was called Matt.

Oh, he was called Matt as well?

He was called Matt as well
so Matt and Matt Matt.

The other one was called
Matt Matt and he was called Matt?

No, no, the other one
was called Matt...

Matt and Matt Matt?
No, they were both called Matt,

so that we could distinguish
between Matt and Matt,

we called one Matt and
the other one Matt Matt.

But that...

But for the first half of the
second name, they're both looking.

Matt, Matt, oh.

Matt, Matt, oh, it's not me.

Wouldn't you be better
off calling him Matt

and not-Matt because then you've got
a different word at the beginning.

Matt and not-Matt would have
been a much better system.

PHIL: Or maybe Matthew?

Yes. Still a problem with the
M-A, though. Maaa-atthew.

It is such a huge waste
of time though,

that millisecond of confusion?

I mean, do you think
everyone's name

should start with
a different letter?

I'd much prefer that. Billions of
letters so that you don't have that

millisecond of, "Ooh, my name begins
with D! Oh, no, it's not David,

"it's Daniel,
I've wasted a part of my life."

I would prefer that.

So, you'd never noticed that
he was always on the ground floor?

No, because I was at work.

Why, what do you do?

LAUGHTER

How did you discover that
Matt was afraid of ladders?

The specific moment.

Because the upstairs wasn't
getting...

You examined him internally?
Oh, hang on.

That's a very strange way
of doing it.

I sense fear in you!

I don't think you'll be cleaning
my windows for much longer.

No wonder he's frightened
to go up a ladder!

I bet the coming down
bit was more scary.

"I'm here! I'm waiting!"

I have to say, it's a miracle
you could find anyone

to come near your windows.

Did you say, "Look, we're going
to have to get rid of you,"

or did he then say, "Look,
I can't do this any more"?

Obviously, you can't
have a window cleaner

who can't go up a ladder
to clean your windows.

You say like that we're the idiots,
you had one, not us.

LAUGHTER

No, he knocked it on the head.
He's no longer a window cleaner.

Right, so, you had to sack him,
basically?

I kind of ducked out of the
conversation and left it to my wife.

Right. He came back round to do the
windows and she confronted him about

the lack of attention upstairs.

LAUGHTER
And did he 'fess up, did he go...?

All right, so, what about David?

Ah yes, you didn't like,
you didn't like your...

Read it again.
This is my car dealer Matt.

I made him change the
colour of our car twice

because I was offended by its hue.
So, three times in total.

Yes, it's been three colours.

Yeah, what was the first colour?
What did you buy it as?

What colour? Grey.
What was the model?

It's a BMW and it's...

Er...

I can't quite remember the...

I think it's an... It never ceases
to amaze me how cruel it was

that you were overlooked
for the Top Gear job.

No, well I, you know, they kept...
They wanted me to learn to drive.

I've never driven this car.

I've only sat in it.

Are you telling us or the police?

Because that sounded like an alibi
to me. "I have never!

"And neither have I ever put
a dead body in the boot."

So then, did you...?
When you bought the grey car,

did you want it in grey at
that time,

or was there always an immediate...

Was there an immediate, "We want it
but we want to re-sprayed"?

It was an immediate "We want it
and we want it a different colour,"

and then we were advised not to get
it re-sprayed but to get it wrapped.

What does that mean?
It's a thing you can do to a car

to change its colour
other than re-spraying it.

I think it's called a vinyl wrap.

Are you getting mixed up with some
sort of album from the 1980s?

That's for you to judge.

What was your vinyl wrap colour?

Well, we wanted it dark green,
like British racing green.

Yeah. Can I ask a question?

This type of BMW you bought,
does it not come in racing green?

Well, I don't know, but it
was hard enough to find

that we didn't want to... They are
quite rare aren't they, BMWs?

They're very, very rare.
David, you don't drive. Mh-mm.

How did you get into the dealership?

We actually did all of the buying
and everything via e-mail

and the phone, but I will say,
my wife can drive.

Which was very much why we
were looking to buy a car.

You know, if neither of us could
drive, it's basically just a very,

very expensive shed.

OK, you said racing green,

then the car arrives or you go
to get it and what colour is it?

More of a felt tip,
more of a Kermit green.

So which colour did you go for next?

Blue. Dark blue.

And how has that panned
out for you? It's nice.

LAUGHTER

All right. We need an answer.

So, Lee's team. Is Matt
Adam's worried window washer,

Jason's puppy pal
or David's colourful car dealer?

I'm feeling Jason because he came up
with a couple of really nice details

very quickly, like the
shooting range and Penny.

What about Adam's?

He's making life hard for himself.

If he's making this up
and he's decided to call

both the window cleaners Matt

and then he has to invent another
so he called him Matt Matt.

How big is your house, Adam?

Because it doesn't look
very big on EastEnders.

And what about David and his car?

Now, David and his car's
an interesting one

because I can believe this of David.

The bit I can most believe is
a burly mechanic coming round

or burly salesman going,

"I know that's not what you
ordered, but you're having it."

And David going, "OK, thank you."

That's the bit I most believe.
So, what do we think?

I'll go for Jason.
You think it's Jason?

What are you thinking, Phil?
I'm thinking Jason.

Oh, you're thinking Jason as well.

Go on, we'll go with my
team then and say Jason.

OK. Matt, would you please
reveal your true identity.

I'm Matt

and David made me change
the colour of his car twice.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Matt.

Which brings us to our final
round, Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's Lee.

On the first day of my
holiday I lost my glasses,

so I was forced to read an
entire book

through a set of binoculars
I found in the villa.

David's team. I've been here all day
and I haven't seen you wear glasses.

Well, that's because
I wear contact lenses.

Why didn't you wear contact lenses?

Because I didn't take them
on that particular holiday.

What was the book? The book?

Well...
LAUGHTER

The Kipper.

By? Brian Fish.

A book called The Kipper
by Brian Fish?

I haven't read it or heard of it.

What's the genre of this book?

It's a thriller. Right.

The Kipper was the
codename for a spy.

Where were you on holiday?
I was actually in Malaysia.

What part of Malaysia?
Coconut Island!

LAUGHTER

What make were the binoculars?

I think you'll find I didn't have
my glasses, how do I know that?

APPLAUSE

I mean, don't get me wrong, I tried
to look through my binoculars

to find out and I even
looked into the mirror

but it just wasn't working out,
the whole thing, I was like...

Because the book had to be
a long way away from me.

Sorry, it had to be a
long way away from you?

Otherwise, it's so close to when
you get to the thrilling bits,

it's too scary.

"He got killed!"

HE SCREAMS
So I have to, it's...

How did you set it up?

The book was at the other end
of the, we had a little pool

in the villa, and it was on
the other end of the pool

and I would sit there like that.

And then...

How would you turn the pages?

I'd put it down there and then I'd
get up and I'd walk, turn the page,

crease it and back round again.

So, you got there
and you'd forgotten your glasses?

Correct. How did you manage
to get there without realising?

Because I forgot them.
I left them somewhere en route.

Right. Where?

I put them down like
this in the taxi.

I stepped out for a second, I was
literally rubbing my eyes like that.

The taxi's gone.

I know. Unbelievable.

That's the exact word
I was thinking of.

You hadn't arrived
at your destination?

I took the glasses off
for a second, like that.

To put them down in the taxi?
But there's a reason I took them,

put them down for a second. Yeah.
They're my proper glasses.

To put on my sunglasses
when I get out the car.

The sunglasses are prescription.

Yeah. I step out the car,
he drives off,

I've left the glasses in the back,

I can now see perfectly clearly
through the sunglasses.

I know what you're going to ask me,
so I'll just get that point.

During the holiday,
I then lost the sunglasses.

Another taxi? No, I just...
I was in the sea.

You were in the sea and what,

you put them on a dolphin?

Well, I didn't know
it was a dolphin,

I thought it was one
of those glasses rests.

No, I just put them down,
oh, I didn't put them down,

I put them on and then
I went into the sea,

had a little swim and then
a big wave came

like that and went, whoosh,
like that.

That's not the bit that knocked
my glasses off, though.

I just stood up and went
"Wow, look at that wave!"

And then I'd lost them. Yeah.

I'm going to have to spend the next
whatever it was, two weeks,

without my sunglasses.

So, I just stayed...

Reading a book from one
end of a pool to another

with your binoculars.

It was awful. Everything was
like that, even the foreplay.

I said, "Go over there so
I can have a good look.

"Yes, very pleasant, thank you,"
and then I'd walk over.

And she'd say, "Do
I look sexy in this?"

I think, "Oh, hang on."

So, what are you thinking?
I wear glasses.

You are so protective
of your glasses.

There are various implausible
moments in this story.

I would say the losing of
sunglasses in the sea

is not the most implausible.

I would say it is the image
of Lee sitting at one end

of a swimming pool with
his binoculars and a book

propped up at the other
end of the swimming pool,

a swimming pool he has to walk round
in order to turn the page.

So, you're saying it's a lie?

Well, I would say it was a lie.

I think we're saying lie,
I think we're unanimous on that.

All right. So, Lee, truth or lie?

It is in fact, where's the button?

LAUGHTER

Tell me when I'm close.

Yay! A lie!

Yes, it's a lie.

Lee didn't read an entire
book through binoculars.

Next...

It's David.

HE CHUCKLES

Lie by the sounds of it.

No, no, I'm just chuckling
away to myself.

I can no longer...

I can no longer drink
orange squash...

I'm telling you, I think
I've become hysterical.

I can no longer drink orange squash

because it sends me berserk.

LAUGHTER

Lee. And when did you discover this?

Oh, I discovered it last summer.

And what kind of berserk
are we talking?

Really sort of very giggly

and odd

and rude.

Imagine I'm in a garden
with you and you've just had

quite a bit of orange squash and
I say, "Hey, how are you doing?"

AGGRESSIVELY: I'm all right,
what about you?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, I'm fine. And I sort of
realise, hang on,

that was misjudged,
I was trying to be friendly

but I seemed really harsh.

I haven't seen you for a
while, is your wife here?

HARSHLY: I don't know,
why don't you look for her?

SHE'S PROBABLY OUT THERE
RE-WRAPPING THE CAR AGAIN!

Yeah!

What was this event?
It was a party of friends,

in a garden at a friend's house.

Right, how did people react
when you became berserk?

I think those people were kind but
actually it was my wife essentially

said "You've gone a bit weird

"and maybe we should go,
have a glass of water."

You've had too many, love.
So, what are you going to say?

Is he telling the truth?

Maggie, you think it's...
I think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie. Phil?

I say it's a lie.
Well, if my team says it's a lie,

then I will overrule
and say it's the truth.

You think it's the truth?

I might overrule for once,
I never overrule.

Go on, then. I'm feeling
a bit like, do you know why?

I had a small Sunny Delight
before the show

and I'm feeling a bit
like, "Yeah, whatever!"

David, they're saying
it's the truth.

Is it the truth or is it a lie?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show and I
can reveal that David's team

have won by four points to two.

Thanks for watching, good night.

Everyone's living these
amazing lives,

and I'm stuck!

It's an illusion.

Adam...? Holly.

How long's...? Oh, years.

We should catch up.